Apologies to the girl in your own words. Message about the measures taken to solve the problem

Ecology of life. Psychology: Penitents hope their red-faced confessions will bring forgiveness, but is it really enough to say sorry to restore trust?

Of six components good apology two are the most efficient.

There are six components to an effective apology, according to new research:

Expression of regret

Explanation of what went wrong

Recognition of responsibility

Voluntary recognition

Suggestion to rectify the situation

Asking for forgiveness

​

However, two components are more important than the others.

Responsibility comes first, - explains one of the authors of the study, Professor Roy Lewicki.

"Our study showed that the most important component an apology is an acknowledgment of responsibility. Say it's your fault, that it was you who made the mistake."

The second most effective strategy, after the recognition of responsibility, is the proposal to correct the situation.

Professor Lewicki says:

One of the main problems with apologies is that the apology itself is worthless. Expressing willingness to fix what is broken reflects the acceptance of responsibility for the damage caused.

Next important thing is an expression of regret, an explanation of what went wrong, as well as an expression of remorse.

The very last step is asking for forgiveness, says Lewicki:

You can skip this step if necessary.

These findings are based on a study in which people read various scenarios in which a person made a mistake for which they had to apologize.

The apology contained one, three, or six components. People rated the effectiveness various kinds apologies. The study tested only the effectiveness of these components.

Lewicki also pointed out another very important factor:

"It is also clear that when you apologize, it is very important eye contact and an appropriate sincere tone"

It is also very easy to overestimate the power of an apology, as I wrote before.

How effective is an apology?

We assume that apologizing can help mend relationships, but do we overestimate the importance of an apology?

Not a week goes by without yet another apology from a public figure for the incredible destruction. An endless parade of politicians, businessmen and celebrities on TV and in the press admitting their mistake and apologizing for what they did wrong.

We have come to the conclusion that as soon as day follows night, a public figure apologizes for this or that offense. Sometimes these apologies look sincere and heartfelt, and sometimes they are just formal and insincere.

Penitents hope that their red-faced confessions will bring forgiveness, but is it really enough to say sorry to restore trust?

The ability to recognize one's wrong is half the battle. Another 45% of the effort goes into forcing yourself to say "I'm sorry." Why, then, are we so rarely forgiven? Because most forget about the remaining 5% - simple, but important. 9 simple rules will help you learn to ask for forgiveness in such a way that it would be impossible not to forgive. Or almost impossible.

1. There is no “but” in a real apology.

Otherwise, everything that you said before the word "but" automatically loses its meaning. The last phrase is remembered, and in your verbal construction, the last one will most likely be a critical remark or justification. No wonder forgiveness is so hard to earn.

2. A true apology focuses on your actions, not your partner's reactions.

"I'm sorry that my yesterday's joke hurt you" - this is not an apology, but a joke about Vovochka. The apology itself contains a hidden accusation of a partner in an "inadequate" reaction. If you really want to be forgiven, try reframing the phrase: "I'm sorry about what I told you last night. It was an inappropriate joke." Be responsible only for yourself and your actions, do not judge the "appropriateness" of other people's reactions.

3. Don't be too pushy

Sorry don't get carried away own emotions remorse. Your main task is to reduce the pain that you caused the other person, and not admiring how you sincerely suffer and suffer from guilt.

4. Apologizing is not about finding the "guilty" or "who started it all"

Suppose you are only 14% to blame or even a miserable 3%. Maybe someone else provoked you. You can still apologize: "I was wrong too and I sincerely regret the spat."

5. A real apology must be backed up by action.

For example, your sister or friend hints that she is unhappy with your behavior: she has already paid for your joint dinners several times in a row. Apologize, say that you intend to "catch up" and pay for both at meetings for the next month. Most importantly, do not forget to do what you promised.

6. A real apology implies that you will do your best not to repeat your mistakes.

What's the point of apologizing if you keep doing the same thing you did? Your sincere repentance, accompanied by a fiery speech, is worth nothing if you do not try to prevent the same situation that led to the conflict from repeating. Yes, it is not always possible to change behavior immediately. But you should definitely try.

7. A real apology is not used to silence the other person.

"I've already apologized 10 times, what more do you want from me?" If you sincerely repent, this does not mean that a difficult conversation or argument can be avoided.

8. Apologies don't have to ease your conscience at the expense of others.

You don't always have to apologize. Perhaps you want to ask for forgiveness in order to get rid of the pangs of conscience. But if you offended a person so much that it is even unpleasant for him to talk to you - make an effort on yourself, be patient with your apologies. First, you will not be heard and not forgiven. Secondly, your importunity and inappropriateness will cause even more pain to the offended by you.

9. A real apology isn't always just "I'm sorry"

Learn to recognize when a formal apology is not enough, and additional efforts and specific actions will be needed to earn forgiveness.

Only 9 rules that sound very simple. But to follow them in real situations is much more difficult. IN next time at least try to apologize not for your own peace of mind, but with the goal of comforting another - and really getting forgiveness.

Unlike many of my previous "highly specialized" articles, this one is intended for a wide range of readers - men and women (and not necessarily in a relationship), because we will talk about universal values namely, an apology.

It doesn’t matter who you need in front of, a business partner or work colleagues, the essence does not change, just as the methods and approaches to the very process of apology do not change.

Very often, people do not know how to ask for forgiveness correctly and therefore cannot achieve the benefits that necessarily follow a correctly and gracefully made apology. Let's take a quick look:

The most common mistakes when making an apology

Pride. Many people think that asking for forgiveness means humiliating themselves, so they don’t consider it necessary to apologize at all, even if they are sure that they were wrong. Usually such people try to “get away from the situation” and justify themselves by saying: “Why should I, because he (she, they) was also wrong! So let him (she, they) first, and then I, if I see fit” or “Maybe no one will know what I did? Why would I apologize?" In fact, elementary cowardice, not pride, is hidden behind these words.

embarrassment. Some are embarrassed to apologize and therefore, during the apology, they grumble under their breath something similar to: “Well, you are ... sorry if something is wrong” or “If I offended you, I'm sorry”, etc.

plea. People who consider themselves sincere and open usually apologize like this - they fold their eyebrows in a “house”, give their face an unhappy expression, and then with aspiration and anguish say, sobbing and pressing their hands to their hearts: “For God's sake, forgive me for everything, for everything!”

And although there are actually many more mistakes, I think that many of you recognized yourself even in these three examples.

As you already understood, none of the listed options is correct and you cannot ask for forgiveness in this way, even if you are convinced that in all cases you apologize sincerely.
The secret of a good apology is that it must be sincere not only in your opinion and own feeling, but they should also be MEANINGful to those you're apologizing to.
If you know how to apologize properly, then you:

• save the relationship
• rebuild (or rebuild) trust
• save your energy and save yourself from unnecessary worry
• maintain and increase your self-esteem

About guilt

Think! If you are now feeling guilty about the words you have spoken or the actions you have done, what will you lose if you ask for forgiveness?

If you know you were wrong, or let other people down, it's best to forget about "saving face." After all, you know the feeling when relationships with those whom you have harmed or offended lose their openness or do not add up, even if you are trying to do everything in your power to somehow justify or compensate for the consequences of your words or wrong actions.

Ultimately, you can walk away without making a sincere and meaningful apology, you can stop contacting the people you offended and try to forget about your mistake, but there is always a chance that the “skeleton falls out of the closet” sometime in the future and at the most inopportune moment.

And yet, probably, you would not be interested in this article if, deep down in your soul, you did not admit your mistakes and your guilt. That is, I want to say that if you prefer to "get out of the situation nicely" instead of apologizing, you can not read further, because the article is intended only for those who sincerely regret their words and deeds and want to master the art of "ask forgiveness."

However, if you're feeling awkward right now and don't know where to start, don't worry! Asking for forgiveness is a skill that can be learned, it is a noble act and an essential part of being able to communicate.

Why do you need to apologize?

Remember that sincere and meaningful apologies help build and maintain healthy relationships. Right Request Forgiveness works in many ways:

• restores trust.
• prevents possible deterioration of relations.
• can "push" relations from the "dead center" and serve as the beginning of their renewal.
• removes the awkwardness between the parties. After all, you know this terrible feeling - not knowing how to look into the eyes and what to say to the one you are guilty of. Ultimately, this causes you to avoid meeting this person.
• indirectly encourages your partner, spouse, or “other party” to admit their mistake as well.
• allows the “other side” to accept you for who you are and treat you well with all your flaws and imperfections.

And there are so many other benefits...

What is the potential outcome of an apology?

I have to say that the consequences of your admission of guilt can be negative. Especially if your mistake becomes known only at the time of admission of guilt. Everything can end up with you being punished, the relationship will be spoiled and you will have to "pay" a certain price in emotional, spiritual, mental, physical or material terms. I have no doubt that you, as reasonable people, understand and are ready for such an outcome.

However, there are positives:

• clarified and ultimately improved relationships - with colleagues, friends, family or your spouse (even if you are)
• a clear conscience, potentially reducing anxiety, improving sleep, and restoring your self-esteem
• increasing your "reserve of power" for experiencing future "dramas" in relationships with other people. Also, the worry that the truth might come out, that you did something wrong and caused pain... all of this takes a huge amount of your energy, which can be put to better use.

What do you need to apologize for?

Maybe what will be written now is taken for granted, but I will still write about something for which you must definitely ask for forgiveness. Oddly enough, not everyone knows what their words and actions can make others suffer.

You should apologize for any of the following (I don't rank by severity):

• there was a misunderstanding because you misunderstood something because you didn't know all the facts
• you made assumptions, but did not bother to check their correctness
• you deliberately harmed another person so that he "felt in his own skin"
• you were just being selfish
• you broke a promise
• in your conclusions and judgments, you were based on rumors and. Gossip hurts other people and greatly undermines your self-esteem
• you just insulted someone - at home, at work, on the street

A combination of all of the above is also possible.

Another reason you may have hurt other people is that you were “out of your mind” in Lately. Don't even think of using this as an excuse, but it could be an explanation for your insensitivity towards other people. When you feel empty, grief, stress, depression, your ability to think about others can be greatly reduced. Although that doesn't relieve you of the need to apologize.

How to say "I'm sorry"?

You may feel awkward and timid before you are about to apologize. This is fine. That's the way it should be. If you do not experience such emotions, then you are not ready to apologize and have not realized your guilt, and in this case your insincerity will not go unnoticed. It will seep into your behavior, your voice, choice of words, and body language. Perhaps you will consciously or unconsciously “replay”, which will ultimately reduce the significance of your apology, if not immediately, then after a while, when the conversation is over and the person to whom you apologized will “digest” this event.

Under any circumstances, you should try to ask for forgiveness as soon as possible, but you should not act impulsively, so you should consider the following and make a plan:

1. Try to really understand what your mistake is, how it is perceived by the “other side”. You may need to do some deep analysis. Only by putting yourself in the place of the person offended by you, you can understand how he is going through after what you did.

2. Decide when you are going to do it.

3. Decide how you will apologize

• by phone
• by email
• via SMS
• in a letter
• personally

Apology "face-to-face" or "in absentia"?

In principle, any option can be acceptable under various conditions and circumstances, so let's look at everything in more detail. I want you to be as successful as possible in this business and to improve your relationships, increase your reputation and earn respect as much as possible.

"Sorry" via SMS

Forget about it! The only time you can use a text message is if you're running late for an appointment! ALL!!!

Ask for forgiveness by email

This option is acceptable only if you do not know the person personally. For example, there was a minor misunderstanding with a supplier or with a colleague working in another city, whom you know only by correspondence via e-mail.

Apologize in a handwritten letter or card

Yes, a written apology is a potentially reasonable way. I often advise my clients to write a handwritten letter to their partner or spouse, especially if you think they are unlikely to give you a chance to speak in person.

Writing a letter is also a good idea if, for example, you want to publicly apologize to a group of people.

Before you start writing, you need to carefully consider each word and it will take you more than one day. After you finish writing the letter, reread it several times, and try to imagine the reader in different moods: anger, sadness or happiness, and, accordingly, his reaction. In your view, it should be adequate for any mood of the reader. If this does not work, make changes to the text.

Before you send (give) a letter, read it again to eliminate "blank spots" and inaccuracies, and to prevent misunderstanding of what you have written as much as you can.

Below is an example of an apology letter. You can use this pattern as a guide only and adapt it to your needs and style. You can change gender (he/she) and number (singular/plural) as appropriate.

The example is quite general and is a very rough template, the purpose of which is to give you direction, but no more.

It is very important that the letter shows that it was not copied from somewhere, but that it was you who wrote it!

Try to find a reasonable balance between demonstrating that what you write is the result of your work and the significance of the letter for the person to whom it is addressed. In no case do not use words and expressions that are not typical for you.

Sample letter of apology

Dear/Dear/Beloved…

I am writing to express my deep regret and sincere apologies for my [rash/rude/low/mean/stupid] act

(AND/OR)

for my [actions/behavior/words/ignorance/mistake/failure]

I [understood/deeply realized] that it was very wrong of me to [lash out/attack/argue/ignore/nag/blame/insult]

(AND/OR)

I understand that my [behaviour/words/statement/silence/inaction] was completely inappropriate, inexcusable and disrespectful.

I can only imagine the [pain/frustration/embarrassment/embarrassment] that

and the damage I have done [to our relationship/your reputation/your chances/your trust in me (the main thing here is not to get carried away and start talking about yourself!)]

I hope that you will give me the opportunity to apologize just now [in person/in front of everyone].

(AND/OR)

I would appreciate the opportunity to correct my mistake and convince you how well I understand what I really did.

Of course, I am aware that I may have done irreparable damage and may not be again.

(OR)

I understand that I can never

With [respect/love], …

Ask for forgiveness over the phone

This option is only available if you are so far away that you cannot apologize in person or in writing within a reasonable amount of time.

Here are 10 tips to help you gracefully and meaningfully apologize.

Remember that the most the best option is a face-to-face apology.

1. Take courage by reminding yourself of how you "survived" other "difficult conversations" or similar situations in the past.

2. By offering an apology in person, you can back it up. a small gift, which will give your words more meaning. A bottle of wine, flowers, a ticket to an event, a box of chocolates, etc. add energy to your apology.

3. Make sure you choose right time for an apology. A person should be able to listen to you anywhere slowly and without being distracted. If he is busy, you have no right to demand his attention. Your apology is your problem!

4. Take the time to convey to the person your deep understanding of the mistake made. So that he does not have any doubts that you are fully aware of what exactly you did, what consequences it led to and what emotional experiences it cost him.

5. Take full responsibility for your role in the situation.

6. Ask for forgiveness unconditionally by saying something like, “Now I [understand/see] that my actions caused (what you understand) and I sincerely regret it. I know that by [saying/doing/etc.] (tell me about your words and actions), I [destroyed/damaged/spoiled] [your reputation/our relationship/your trust, etc.]. ]".

7. Ask what you can do to help your partner/spouse/colleague/"other side" correct, compensate, or mitigate the consequences of your action.

8. As already mentioned, you can back up your apology with a small gift - concert tickets, candy, a bottle of wine, etc. Here it is necessary to make some clarifications. A gift is just a symbol, so it should not be expensive, so as not to put a person in an awkward position, and the presentation of the gift itself should be appropriate. Think about what it will look like. Perhaps it shouldn't be given. If you decide to give a gift, do so only after you have finished saying everything you were going to say.

9. Really try to sincerely make amends and take whatever action is necessary to address the underlying problem that your mistake caused. This is the most important point, because just saying "sorry", without taking real action, over time (very quickly) will return you to the status of "culprit" again. Thus, your apologies will not have positive consequences for either you or the person you are asking for forgiveness from.

10. After bringing sincere apologies, you need to be ready to calmly accept the reaction to them. This can be expressed as follows:

• the other person may need time to "digest" everything that happened
• your apology will not be accepted
• you may not be heard to the end
• the other person may take this opportunity to express their anger and pain

How to say "I'm sorry" without causing an argument and skirmish

Here's what you should avoid at all costs when making a face-to-face apology!

• Don't expect that the person offended by you will make a “return speech”. Agree that he doesn't have to do or say anything in exchange for your apology. Based on this …
• Don't burden another person with your guilt and do not ask him with a word or a look to relieve you of this feeling. You alone are responsible for overcoming your guilt.
• Don't start blame the other side. To apologize unconditionally means that you are fully responsible for your part of the problem. It may well be that the “other side” is also to blame, but to say or even hint at this is completely inappropriate.

Is it really your fault?

I just now decided to pay attention to this issue, because the main focus of this article is how and why to ask for forgiveness. However, some people feel guilty about literally everything and it seems that they are ready to apologize even for the fact that they live in this world. It is always associated with low self-esteem.

If you are "below the floor" and you have a tendency to apologize for anything, please work on your self-esteem.

Also, consider another option. Your partner, spouse or colleague may be prone to commit emotional abuse. This is not required, but I want you to consider the possibility of manipulation when the situation is presented in such a way that you feel guilty and forced to apologize for something you didn't really do.

FROM THE AUTHOR: My responses in the comments are the opinion of a private individual, and not the recommendation of a specialist. I try to answer everyone without exception, but unfortunately I do not have time to study physically long stories, analyze them, ask questions about them and then answer in detail, and I also do not have the opportunity to accompany your situations, because this requires great amount Free time, and I have very little of it.

In this regard, I kindly ask you to ask specific questions on the topic of the article, do not try to use the comments for correspondence or chat, and do not expect me to advise in the comments.

Of course, you can ignore my request (which many do), but then be prepared for the fact that I will ignore yours. This is not a matter of principle, but exclusively of time and my physical abilities. Don't be offended.

If you want to receive qualified assistance, please contact me for advice, and I will devote my time and knowledge to you with full dedication.

With respect and hope for understanding, Frederica

Thanks for adding holidays.ru to:

Forgive me, if possible, because there is no limit to my remorse. My soul is restless, and my conscience has simply gnawed at my consciousness, reminding me of the strength of my guilt...

I may not be worthy of being forgiven by you. But I know how generous you are. you have a big kind heart who cannot remain indifferent to my pleas for forgiveness.

Asking for forgiveness in words is easier than sincerely repenting in your soul. Believe me, I am extremely sorry for what happened. Don't be angry with me, you are dear to me.

Apologies to the girl

I don't need anything more than your forgiveness right now! Just do not be angry, let go of resentment, cool down from anger. The smile addressed to me suits you so well!

You were offended, and my world collapsed, the sky darkened around me, and clouds of black melancholy thickened over my head. Forgive me, give me back the light and joy of life!

You are wise and kind girl please try to understand and forgive me like a woman. And I will try never to do that again.

With hope for the most speedy reconciliation With the cutest girl in the world, I offer my most sincere apologies.

I know you have broad soul and a huge heart in which there is no place for resentment and anger, so you will definitely forgive me, right?

Apologizing to a girl in your own words

I can’t understand how it happened that I managed to offend you! I am very sorry. Let's make peace, please?

If only I knew how to make amends with such a sunny creature as you, but I do not know, and therefore I simply apologize.

Darling, I admit my guilt, I swear that this will not happen again, and I apologize a thousand times, just stop looking at me with such offended eyes, my soul cannot bear it!

I just want to tell you, "I'm sorry." It's a sin to offend such a girl. Sinful, sorry.

Please forgive me for upsetting you. Your resentment is a stone on my heart.

Saying "I'm sorry" is hard, but it's even harder to forgive. I hope that you will meet me...

Please accept my apologies for the hurt you endured because of me. Your step towards me is waiting for more than anything in the world.

The ability to admit guilt and apologize is one of the characteristics of a mature personality. But sometimes they are mistakenly perceived only as an important part of socio-cultural norms, and we are taught from childhood to say: “Forgive me, I didn’t do it on purpose.”

Unfortunately, this skill does not always develop throughout life and often gets stuck at the very level that we were taught. Therefore, the apologies of adults sometimes sound untenable, like baby talk.

Why is it so hard for us to apologize?

It means admitting that you are wrong and wrong, and it takes courage to show that you are not perfect. As children, we were required to apologize, forcing us to go think about our behavior or threatening to deprive us of sweets or cartoons. As a result, socio-cultural norms were not realized, but implanted from the outside, and accompanied by their misunderstanding, infringement, resentment.

Adults in authority demand what the child does not want or cannot yet understand, and many of us learn this feeling of humiliation for a long time along with the habit.

Between "I'm sorry" or "I'm sorry" and "Excuse (forgive) me, please" - a big difference

In an attempt to avoid feelings of humiliation, adults do not always choose the really right wording. Surely you are familiar with the phrases: “I'm sorry if I offended you (a)”, or “Forgive me, but I think ...” - sometimes we pronounce them unconsciously, without realizing that these “if” and “ but" speak of insincerity. They hide the uncertainty of the speaker that he really repents and understands how he offended the other.

There is a big difference between "I'm sorry" or "I'm sorry" and "Excuse (forgive) me, please." In the first case, we appeal to ourselves, and this is more like a formal fulfillment of social conventions. In the second case, we turn to a person whose feelings are hurt. This is much more difficult because it makes us vulnerable: the other person is free to not accept the apology.

Why do it

Why do we ask for forgiveness at all? Try asking this question to yourself or someone you know, and you will probably hear in response something like: “Because I was (a) wrong (a) / was mistaken (s)”, or “That was the only correct / mature/responsible decision". And therein lies the problem: such motives do not reflect what the apology is supposed to achieve.

It is believed that if you do this, it means that you have offended, upset, let down someone, disturbed someone's emotional balance. Therefore, the main goal should be to try to restore it, repair the emotional damage and receive sincere forgiveness. For apologies to be effective, they must be focused on the other person's feelings and needs, not our own. Often we are not trying to help others feel better, we are trying to make ourselves feel better.

The Key to an Effective Apology

The most important of these components, which we often forget about, is the expression of sympathy. In order for the other person to forgive us, he must see that we were able to realize and feel for ourselves all that we forced him to go through. Doing this convincingly is more difficult than it might seem. Let's look at this with an example.

Example

Situation

You've had a hard day at work, and you're in a terrible mood when you return home. It's late and you feel too overwhelmed and annoyed to go to a birthday party close friend. In addition, it seems to you that in this state it is better to stay away from people and there is no need to spoil the mood of others. You wake up the next morning with an agonizing sense of guilt that gets worse when you analyze the situation and realize that you didn't even call a friend to tell you you weren't coming.

Solution

What do you need to consider for an apology to be effective? Before you continue reading, make your own list of items you would mention in a conversation with a friend.

Made up? Five key points effective apology:

1. Excuse me please.
2. I'm really so sorry! I didn't come to your birthday party yesterday.
3. I had a terrible day, I was literally exhausted and just went home to sleep. But that doesn't justify the fact that I didn't show up without even telling you about it.
4. I can only imagine how upset and disappointed you were, how hurt you were and how angry you could be with me. I know how important this holiday was for you and how much effort you put into its preparation. You must have been waiting for my appearance and worried. I hope that you were able to enjoy the holiday, but I feel guilty that my selfish behavior could affect your mood. I regret that, as a friend, I could not be there and share the holiday with you.
5. I understand this may take some time, but I hope you can forgive me.

Although admitting your mistakes may seem difficult, it will not only help to improve relationships, but also alleviate your feelings of guilt. Remember that expressing empathy takes practice and is worth learning. In addition, if you remember that you should not do this, as you were once forced to do as a child, but you want to, because you are sincerely sorry and the relationship is dear to you, it will be easier for you to find the right words.