I'm a bad mom: what should I do? I am a bad mother.

I'm a bad mother!

How often do women grieve over this? Site expert Maria Dyachkova explains what causes such self-flagellation and whether it is worth worrying about your mistakes.

How often can you hear this from women. Reasons to be "bad" will always be found at any age of the child:

• I don't feed him breast milk, he is forced to eat the mixture!


• I walk a little with him and develop. Instead, I watch TV.


• I took a nanny / gave it to the garden and went about my business. He doesn't feel well without me. The baby needs a mother.


• I do not have enough strength to play with him, to draw. I don't like it and I can't.


• He studies poorly, there is absolutely no motivation. And the ratings are bad. This is how I raised him!


• He got sick because of me! I didn't close the window and it blew out!

And a million other reasons to be a bad mother. Where does it come from in us?

There are many reasons for such active self-flagellation. Firstly, many people have an excellent student complex: to do everything on the top five and without mistakes. Many were brought up in strictness and in the format that mistakes are terrible, that they must be corrected immediately, and for deuces, triples and even fours they were punished or even beaten. Women from such families simply do not know how to be relaxed in their motherhood. Instead of being attentive to themselves and the child, they try to do everything well and perfectly: even pregnant women read smart books about childbirth, care and upbringing, without filtering information and not checking how someone else's experience suits her, they try to do everything according to the rules. Feeding - by the hour, sleep - on schedule, walks - 6 hours a day in the fresh air. Perfectionism in motherhood is hard work. Children of all ages live and feel according to their needs. They are not interested in maternal concepts at all. More recently, studies have been conducted on anxiety in children. early age. It turned out that children who were raised “by the clock” (fed every 3 hours, and if they wanted to eat after 2, cried hungry for an hour) are more likely to perceive the world as a continuous threat, develop distrust in their mothers, and later - in others their significant adults.

In other words, our deeply rooted cultural feelings of guilt for our actions and shame for ourselves break through into the motherly sphere. Many try to cope with feeling like a “bad mother” by making even greater demands on themselves and the child. As a result, it turns out like this: an exhausted mother and a child who is correct in everything, who, by the way, grows up with the conviction that he is loved not unconditionally, but only for his successes and victories. Therefore, any mistake for him is a terrible failure, a reason for loved ones to reject him. Such children often learn to hide their true attitude towards life deep within themselves. They have a beautiful facade - well-fed, well-groomed, smart, well-read. But you have to push yourself deeper, lazy, naughty, capricious, indignant, alive. The cost of such education is distorted view about yourself, inability to treat mistakes as an experience and necessary stages in life, loss own desires and replacing them with others.

The lack of requirements and any framework in education is also fraught. Absolute adherence to the interests of the child is also a utopia. Mom puts the baby on a pedestal, lives by his needs, rhythms. He is in chocolate, but her life, as a rule, is given as a sacrifice to her son or daughter. And living for the sake of children is also not an option. Such children grow up with a sense of irrevocable debt, and mothers are left with complete devastation and the collapse of all meanings when their children leave the parental home.

So how to be? What kind of mother to be, if in any way it turns out "bad"?
In 1965, family therapist Donald Wyncott introduced the concept of "enough good mother". That is, a mother who herself is a living person. And she can make mistakes, correct, be mistaken. Build rapport with your child by trying different ways. With the acquisition of maternal status, a woman does not cease to be herself. She, like any other person, has the right to her experience, difficulties and crises. And the child will pass them next to her, learning to adapt to different circumstances of life.

The mother, whatever she is, is the model of life. Mom works a lot - for a child an example of a realized life. On the contrary, a lot and constantly with him is an example of closeness and care. Mom goes to a beauty salon or a fitness club, sometimes forgetting to take a walk with her baby or gives a snack in fast food - an example of satisfaction and her desires.

Children don't know your concepts about proper motherhood, because you do not know what kind of example in life your contact with them will be.

By the way, for skeptical and incredulous people, I recommend reading Winicott's book Little Children and Their Mothers. The book puts things in order in understanding what a “good mother” is for a child, and also helps to get rid of unnecessary fuss and anxiety about yourself and your child.

Good luck to you!

Maria Dyachkova, psychologist, family therapist and leader of personal growth trainings

Every young mother at least once in her life asks the question “May I bad mom what to do in this case. Of course, this does not mean at all that you are a bad mother, but it is worth understanding the situation that has arisen.

And so, if at least once you thought “I feel like a bad mom”, then this article is for you.

And so why do thoughts arise: “I’m a bad mother, what should I do”:

1. The first reason for such thoughts occurs when the mother cannot calm crying baby over a long period.

2. Similar thoughts arise when a child regularly brings bad grades in behavior and academic performance.

3. Some mothers are too worried when they have to leave the child with another person.

4. The bad mother syndrome appears when the child has to be scolded, and sometimes slapped on the soft spot.

Some women think about this when taking care of a child helps them. older generation which will tell about the dangers of diapers, artificial feeding And modern techniques education.

In order to get rid of such thoughts, we offer you a few recommendations that will forever allow you to get rid of the “I am a bad mother what to do” complex.

1. Try to get as much rest as possible. In connection with the appearance of a new family member at home, which requires a lot of attention, you may not be able to keep up with something. It's not scary, you should not fall from fatigue, rest at any convenient moment. This will allow at least a little to restore strength.

2. Do not hesitate to ask relatives for help. Despite the fact that a woman can cope with many things, you should not exhaust yourself. Ask relatives to help you around the house or with the child. Nothing wrong with that. Grandmothers are always ready to babysit their grandchildren.

3. Be sure to make time for yourself. The monotony of classes can piss anyone off. Find yourself some hobby for at least an hour a day, which will allow you to escape from everyday life.

4. If you're too irritated, try counting to 10. If that fails, then try a sedative. Although you can only take a sedative if you have completed breastfeeding.

5. Try to take life easier and with a smile. This is of course difficult and not always possible. However, in some situations it will help not only to save nerves, but also to get out of conflict situation. Remember yourself in childhood, this will help to understand the child.

Remember that your child appreciates your love, care and understanding, and not how strangers will appreciate your upbringing.

Mother of two children, teacher-defectologist and gestalt therapist Inna Vaganova shared her own story of victory over.

Anxious thoughts “I’m a bad mom, what should I do!?” spoil the lives of many young mothers. All and sundry are ready to strengthen our complexes and tell us what exactly we are doing wrong and how we are ruining a child. Yes, and own perfectionism does not give rest.

We are afraid of becoming a bad mother, or not being a good enough mother. Especially against the background of bright and, in which everything is always five plus.

What does the mother-psychologist, who herself went through these fears, think about this? We are sure that her experience is useful to every mother.

I have never seen a single area of ​​human activity where self-abasement, guilt and fear are so widespread as in motherhood.

The first time I felt like a bad mom was when my oldest child was born. Right in the hospital, when during childbirth they told me that I was not pushing well and the soul of the child. And I gave birth for the first time!

As he grew and developed, I found out that I was feeding him incorrectly - he added little, or added a lot. I dress incorrectly, develop, walk. He even sleeps wrong with me. In short, as a mother, I am insolvent and ruin my son.

It's one thing when such things are said by some "mimocodil" who can be sent and forgotten. And it’s completely different when parents, doctors in the clinic, teachers, best friends- people whose opinion I have always listened to.

I believed them: yes, I am a bad mother, my child was not lucky with me. And this feeling was with me for almost 6 years.

My son grew up next to me, hugged me, gave me touching bouquets of dandelions, slowly learned to read, adored with all his heart younger brother, and I was still sure that I was a bad mother.

I didn't seem to think about it. But when the educators complained about my son, or the doctors complained about excessive thinness, or I put on an unironed T-shirt on him - that's it, I was literally bombarded with self-accusations. And a nasty voice in my head hissed: “Oh, poor child! And why is he such a mother?!”

So it was until I paid attention to what I really do for my children every day.

I woke up my son in the kindergarten and a set of clothes was ready for him. whole year every day I prepared a thermos of tea for him in the kindergarten, because he was allergic to garden compote.

I shoveled a mountain of specialized literature to keep my sons healthy: the eldest son spent only one day in the hospital in his entire life, and the youngest never went there.

Every day I cook food for the children and wash clothes, I walk with them and smear cream on my broken knees. And I also listen to them, they calmly cry in my arms, they bring me their secrets. The eldest son can ask me any question, and I do not turn gray with horror and shame, I find the words with which I can explain.

Today I saw my crying younger son from fatigue. For 40 minutes I held a kicking child in my arms and stroked his hair until he fell asleep.

Mothers often devalue what they do for their children every day, but, as if through a magnifying glass, they consider their every mistake and mistake.

. Every day I do simple maternal feats that I used to consider insignificant. But it turns out that it is from these things that the childhood of my children is formed.

The smell of pancakes in the morning, my spoonfuls of jam, my arms around them when they're hurt, my words when I help them understand their feelings and the world around them.

My kids call me "healing mom" every time they fall and get hurt they run up and just hit sore spot to me and it turns out to help them! One touch of me relieves their pain! My touch!

It so happened that the accusations and reproaches pour on many of us endlessly. But if you start to notice, just notice and recognize what we do every day, this will become a small straw to save our self-esteem, our value.

Just to see how we wake up every day and do a bunch of things for our children, love them, live with them. And now I already notice how much I differ from my mother. I allow my children to feel and feel a lot myself, as if I unfreeze and become alive.