Examples of conflict situations and their solution in the family. How to prevent a family quarrel

Conflicts in the family, as in love relationships, are natural. The cause of many conflicts in family life is the desire of each spouse to encourage the rest of the family to live by his rules. Indeed, it is so convenient when other people agree to act in a way that is comfortable for a person. However, others are not obliged to obey, which is why science is forced to look for ways to resolve disputes that often arise within the family.

You need to be calm about quarrels that arise between spouses:

1. First, they are normal. Two people each have their own views, opinions, desires, which do not always coincide with the other point of view.
2. Secondly, spouses must communicate with each other in order to agree on something, to come to some kind of compromise.

The problem is not in what the spouses did not agree on, but in the fact that they do not try to agree. The difference of opinions and inconsistency of desires is actually a quickly eliminated phenomenon. The problem always arises where people do not want to hear each other, they turn to screams and insults, drag out, and do not solve.

A person's inability to keep emotions under control is often an indicator of an immature soul and an unhappy lifestyle. A person is indignant, afraid of something, dissatisfied, capricious and wants everything to be brought to his feet. This causes some tension within the individual, not allowing him to feel calm in any situation. And if you are nervous in any situation, even with a petty quarrel, then you should think not only about the problem of communicating with other people, but also about why you feel irritated and restless in relation to the world.

Do not quarrel, but speak calmly. Adult, self-confident people always remain calm. This allows them not only to listen to the interlocutors who also want to be heard, but also to calm them down, because if you do not go on screaming, then your interlocutor will soon stop screaming. Speak calmly, express your opinion, but do not impose it. Understand that no one will force you to do anything without your desire. Be calm: nothing will be taken away from you and they will not force you to do what you do not want.

Do not quarrel, but speak calmly! This is useful for you. You are not nervous, you are not worried. You understand that a certain problem has arisen that needs to be solved, but you do not lose anything from this and do not become a bad person. A calm state and a sober look will help you see the problem at the root and quickly solve it.

Remain calm during a controversial situation, and then your interlocutor will also be able to remain calm, because you are not attacking him. This will also help to quickly resolve the issue, since both you and your opponent will listen to each other, analyze and try to find a way out of the situation.

What are family conflicts?

The website of the psychological help site considers conflicts in the family to be a natural process when two people clash with opinions or desires, as a result of which they want to find a common direction. It can even be said that quarrels indicate the unity of the spouses, despite the fact that at the time of the conflict they are arguing.

• Firstly, if the spouses quarrel, then they have something to share. And people do not always share common property, but also freedom, personal territory, children, etc. In other words, spouses quarrel only when the subject of the dispute is important to them. Moreover, conflict occurs when a person does not want to quarrel with the opposite side. Such a paradox: people quarrel because they do not want to offend each other, while not infringing on themselves.
• Secondly, the quarrel suggests that the spouses are still moving along the same path. Conflict is the absence of the path that two people are willing to take. It is at the moment of the dispute that they try to find him. This shows that people want to go further together, which is why they are so fiercely trying to get each other to do what seems to be the best option for them so far.

Psychologists consider quarrels in the family to be normal. It is already abnormal that, due to conflicts, spouses begin to hate each other and even more so get divorced. That is why the question of how to resolve conflicts in the family, which will always arise, becomes very important.

Conflict in the family is one way of interaction between spouses and even children. This process also has a positive side: a quarrel encourages relationships to develop, transform, go in some direction. Sometimes people quarrel because this is the only way they have something in common. Each family has its own quirks, which have the right to be if it unites the spouses.

It's natural when people fight, especially if those people are spouses and loving partners. It is foolish to hope that there will never be quarrels in your relationship, since there are no two identical people in the world. No matter how close and loved you are, there will always be issues in which your opinion will not coincide with the opinion of your partner. And this must be remembered so as not to be surprised why a scandal erupted in your ideal relationship.

How do people usually resolve disputes? They shout, criticize, condemn, scandalize, even beat the dishes and come running. It's no secret that these methods of solving problems only leave scars in the relationship of lovers. However, people keep shouting and shouting when they cannot agree on some concepts. But one truth should be remembered: the one who screams cannot be heard! That is why, after quarrels and screams, the problem is not solved until the partners begin to communicate with each other in a calm tone.

Any relationship where partners want to strengthen bonds and love needs the ability of partners to quarrel peacefully. By this type of quarrel, it is understood that you resolve the conflict situation in the most beneficial way for both parties, while showing respect for each other. You do not give up what is important to you, but at the same time you accept what is important to your loved one.

Usually spouses quarrel because they want to prove the correctness of their opinion and do not want to hear that it is possible to resolve the issue in some other way. However, the opponent is trying to do the same. So, how, in this case, can the issue be resolved if neither side hears the other, but tries to instill only its own point of view into the mind of the opponent? In a peaceful quarrel, the principle is important when you respect the difference between your opinions and your partner. You understand that your loved one thinks differently from you, but you respect both yours and his point of view.

A peaceful quarrel in the family involves:

• that partners are able to discuss differences in each other with respect;
• that partners allow each other to have their own opinions and their own characteristics that are not inherent in the other side;
• that partners are worthy of respect, despite the fact that their opinion seems erroneous and wrong.

No two people are the same. Therefore, your opinion can be just as right or wrong as the opinion of another person. Learn to respect the difference between your own and someone else's point of view. Seek not to make the other person think like you, but to find a solution to the problem that started the argument, so that it suits both you and your beloved partner.

Why do family conflicts arise?

There are a large number of reasons for the emergence of a family conflict, because marriage involves not only running a joint household and having children, but also the desire to fulfill one's desires, satisfy needs, and live happily. A man and a woman continue to be people who also want to improve their lives by creating a marriage.

However, conflicts arise when spouses have a clash of opposing or non-coinciding views, desires, interests, needs, etc. Common reasons for quarrels between spouses are:

• Drunkenness of one of the spouses.
• The difference in views on the conduct of family life.
• Marital infidelity.
• Egoism of spouses.
• Excessive jealousy.
• Disrespect for partners.
• Unmet needs.
• Non-participation of one of the spouses in the upbringing of children or housekeeping.

Of course, every family has its own reasons for conflict. And often there are several of these reasons. Thus, all conflicts are divided into:

1. Creative - when partners are ready to endure, find compromises, negotiate, conduct constructive dialogues. This requires a conscious approach to the process, a willingness to give up something small in order to make progress in the relationship. Such alliances are only strengthened through the joint efforts of both partners.
2. Destructive - when in a conflict everyone does not want to listen to the desires and interests of the other side, he insists only on his own version of solving the problem. As a result of such disputes, the respect of the spouses for each other is lost. Communication between them becomes forced. Often partners begin to act in spite of each other. The result is often a divorce, in which everyone blames only the opposite side, ignoring those actions that were committed personally.

Thus, the following causes of family conflicts can be distinguished:

• The desire of each person to realize only their desires and needs in family life.
• Desire to self-assertion and self-actualization.
• Inability to conduct constructive dialogues with relatives, relatives, children, friends.
• The unwillingness of a person to participate in the conduct of a joint household, life.
• Excessive material needs of the spouse (s) in the absence of the opportunity to earn a lot of money.
• Divergence of opinions regarding the upbringing of joint children.
• Indifference in the upbringing of children.
• Differences in views on the roles of husband/wife, mother/father, head of the family, etc.
• Unreasonable expectations of partners.
• Temperament difference.
• Unwillingness to understand the other, which leads to a lack of constructive dialogue.
• Excessive jealousy, the presence of betrayal, neglect of intimate relationships.
• Household disorder.
• The presence of bad habits or the consequences associated with them.
• Material disadvantage.
• Difference in material, spiritual, family values.

Conflicts in a young family

Conflicts often arise in the first year of a young family. To eliminate them, partners must be willing to:

1. Moral and social. Here the education of partners, age, social standard of living become important. Thus, a favorable age for marriage for women is 22-23 years, for men - 23-24 years. A woman should not be older than a man. A man can be no more than 12 years older than his wife. People must clearly understand what marriage is, what is expected of them in marriage, and the willingness to fulfill their obligations, and not just demand the fulfillment of their rights. The spouses should be willing to lead a healthy lifestyle that will strengthen the family and raise healthy children. Housing and material well-being do not always affect the longevity of relationships, but sometimes they become an intensifying factor for the development of quarrels.
2. Motivational. The family should be based on love, willingness to take on responsibilities, raise children and make them self-sufficient people, to be independent.
3. Psychological. The presence of such qualities and behaviors that will contribute to the strengthening, development of the family and the resolution of conflict situations.
4. Pedagogical. The presence of certain knowledge in various areas of family life and the willingness to apply this knowledge.

There is not a single family in which quarrels would not occur. However, the willingness of the spouses to resolve any disputes that will arise not only between them, but also within each of them is important.

Family conflicts between children

When a second child appears in a family, this often leads to frequent conflicts between children. This is quite normal, because children are fighting for the attention and love of their parents, the desire to win them over to their side, supremacy and power over others. Conflicts between children are normal. Parents try to interfere with them, but this often leads to the fact that children simply stop conflicting in front of them.

It is necessary to solve the cause of a quarrel between children, and not just punish someone, protecting the second, which only increases the hatred of children for each other.

Parents should not be upset because of the presence of conflicts between children, since even in happy families they can arise. Sometimes ignoring the conflict is the best tactic, because often children work "for the public."

Resolution of conflicts in the family

To resolve conflicts in the family, you need to strive for understanding. If both spouses try to hear each other, then a compromise is possible. There is no need to win here, because victory implies the presence of a loser. A union is a union of two equal partners, not a slave and a master. Two spouses should be comfortable in a relationship so that in the end the marriage union does not collapse due to the fact that someone's desires are not realized.

When solving family quarrels, one should not run away from problems, but solve them. Engage in constructive and calm dialogue with the goal of deciding rather than winning or defending. It is not advisable to involve third parties in the dispute, as they can become a catalyst for the conflict to flare up even more.

Divorce often becomes one of the ways to resolve the conflict. Psychologists distinguish three stages:

1. The first stage occurs at the level of an emotional divorce, when partners simply cease to appreciate, respect, love each other, reach out.
2. The second stage is marked by a physical divorce, when partners begin to sleep in different beds and even live separately.
3. The third stage is the legal divorce.

Often, divorce really becomes a way to resolve conflicts that simply cannot be eliminated in a particular family due to the incompatibility of partners.

Ways to resolve conflicts in the family as a result

What will be the atmosphere in the family depends on the behavior and communication of partners. Only with the efforts of both is a happy joint future possible. Partners must adhere to some rules to resolve conflicts in the end:

1. Accept each other for who they are.
2. Realistically look at the existing differences and do not harbor hopes that they will pass by themselves.
3. Get to know your partner and accept his features, uniqueness.
4. Try to overcome difficulties, not increase them, in order to get even closer.
5. Know how to forgive and forget insults.
6. Learn not to impose your opinion, but to negotiate. Argument your point of view if you consider it important, but accept that the other side wants something else.

Every family has conflicts. Often there comes a time when the spouses want to get a divorce. But the family becomes strong and happy in which the spouses decide to accept each other, not to infringe on freedom and rights, and also to resolve problems more constructively.

How often do you find yourself in conflict situations?

Why do conflicts occur between people and how to resolve the conflict? Let's figure it out.

In the modern world it is difficult to do without conflicts. A conflict can happen with anyone, anywhere and anytime: at home, at work, in a store, on public transport and even on the Internet (although it would seem that strangers have something to share?).

The slightest minor conflict can spoil the mood for the whole day. A bad mood is very difficult to hide from others, and therefore it is easy to spoil the mood of others. This can lead to a series of new conflicts. But forewarned is forearmed. Having studied the specifics and causes of conflicts in more detail, you can try to avoid them.

Conflict is an intractable contradiction. This is a situation in which each of the parties seeks to take a position that is incompatible and opposite to the interests of the other side.

Family conflicts can be divided into 3 types:

conflicts based on an unfair division of labor (- Why didn't you take out the trash? - Why should I take out the trash?)

conflicts based on the dissatisfaction of any needs (- Why don't you cook anything? - Why didn't you buy me a fur coat?)

quarrels due to lack of education (uncivilized behavior at the table of one of the partners, words used by one of the partners that the other does not like)

Causes of family conflicts

Let's turn to statistics. A survey was conducted among 266 American family counselors. As a result, among others, problems were identified, due to which conflicts and disagreements most often arise in married couples. It …

The main thing, when conflicts arise, is to understand how to behave in such situations and not let conflicts spoil your relationship. Here are some behaviors:

adaptation (agree with a partner, have an opinion, but do not express it)

avoidance (avoidance of a conflict situation)

cooperation (an attempt to reach a compromise, a joint solution that satisfies both parties)

It is important to recognize that there is conflict in the family - this is the first step to solving the problem. Then, you need to discuss with family members possible ways to resolve the conflict and choose the best one. If you can’t resolve the conflict on your own, then the best solution is to contact a family psychologist. Qualified help from a psychologist will definitely not hurt you.

Conflicts in the organization

With conflicts in the labor collective, things are somewhat different.

Conflicts are possible for several reasons:

related to the labor process

related to human relationships

due to the injustice of the employer, according to subordinates

There are several steps to resolve such conflicts:

understand the cause of the conflict

find out if there is a secondary cause of the conflict (after all, often the main cause of the conflict is just an excuse to move on to open confrontation)

find ways to resolve the conflict

make a mutual decision to get out of the conflict

eliminate the causes of conflict

and the final step is the reconciliation of the parties

Any conflicts in the team fall on the shoulders of the employer. After all, productivity decreases when relationships are strained in the team. Conflicts disorganize workers. People begin to think more about the conflict that happened, and not about work. Therefore, the employer himself should first of all try to resolve the conflict between employees.

But if the conflict occurs with the employer himself, then the problem is much more serious. Such conflicts by mutual agreement are resolved much less frequently: only 62% of conflicts between employers and subordinates are resolved. In such cases, it is important to think about other people's interests, but also not to forget about your own. In general, it is not for nothing that they say that it is better not to argue with the authorities. Of course, when it comes to hurt pride, when reputation and professional status are at stake, it is difficult to control oneself and not react to provocations. But once having avoided conflict, you will understand that it is much more pleasant and effective to negotiate and compromise. You just need to give yourself a clear setting: “Work is not a place for conflicts and showdown!”

Ways to resolve conflicts

Summing up, it can be noted that any conflicts have a bad effect on our mood and our health. Remember, nerve cells regenerate very, very slowly. And when a person is angry, he produces the hormone of aggression - norepinephrine, and when he smiles - the hormones of happiness serotonin and endorphin.

It is also important to remember that in no case should one go beyond the scope of this conflict and drag past disagreements and grievances into it. Otherwise, it will accumulate like a snowball, and each time it will be more and more difficult to get out of the conflict. Don't forget to weigh the pros and cons. Indeed, sometimes the game is simply not worth the candle, and it is better to give in than to waste time arguing. You have to pull yourself together. It is better to simply transfer the conversation to another topic or move the conversation to another time. Perhaps the cause of the conflict will already become irrelevant, and it will be settled. Most small conflicts after a while seem to us meaningless and ridiculous. Try to distract yourself, let go of the situation and think about something good and pleasant. Always remember the famous Confucius quote “The best war is the one that has been avoided.”

If you are studying conflicts, books and specialized literature that you can read are presented below. Here is a small list of books that you can read to improve your conflict avoidance and resolution skills.

• Coren, Goodman- "The Art of Bargaining or Everything About Negotiations"
• Lixon— “Conflict. Seven Steps to Peace"
• Egides -"Labyrinths of communication or how to get along with people"
• Schwartz, Gerhard"Management of conflict situations: diagnostics, analysis and resolution of conflicts"

Take care of your family and friends, maintain good relations with colleagues, try to think positively and smile more often!

Family conflicts: prevention and treatment. Conversation 2

Constructive conflict is better than a "good quarrel"

So, my beloved brethren,

let every man be quick to hear,

slow to speak, slow to anger.

An unconstructive way of behaving in a conflict situation leads either to a quarrel or to an unresolved situation, that is, to that very “bad world”. The contradictions are not resolved, but the parties are temporarily reconciled and are, as it were, in a state of "cold war". An unconstructive conflict is often accompanied by "forbidden forceful methods": mutual insults, pressure, blackmail, etc. With this way of conducting a dialogue, opponents sometimes forget at all what the original subject of the dispute actually consisted of.

The absence of visible contradictions and clashes in any group of people sometimes does not at all indicate that love and harmony reign here. It is known, for example, that in American communes, hippie settlements, there were very few conflicts that are inevitable in a community of people living closely in a limited area. The almost complete absence of quarrels and conflicts in hippie colonies is explained by the very easy attitude of hippies to life and to each other. They preached love and freedom, but in fact the fate of their brethren was deeply indifferent to them. The philosophy of the hippies is this: while you are with us, we feel good, have fun, we share food and drugs with you, but you are free to leave, leave us, and no one will remember you much. If a person from the colony suddenly disappeared, no one was looking for him, and everyone was not very worried about what happened to him: whether he went to prison, was killed, or died of a drug overdose. In the 1960s, a girl from a hippie settlement went mad after an unsuccessful LSD ingestion. She was taken to a psychiatric hospital, and none of her brothers tried to get her out of there or even visit her in the hospital.

A conflict-free society, practically controlled by no one, was based on an indifferent attitude towards each other and indifference to one's neighbor.

Often in couples where a man and a woman are united for cohabitation outside of marriage, outwardly very peaceful coexistence is also observed, but as soon as such a couple enters into a legal marriage, conflicts begin. Why? People connected by irresponsibility and mutual pleasure do not build real relationships, they are not connected by real feelings. While we are well together - we live together, tired - fled. People, by and large, are indifferent to each other. The neighbor is not very dear to them, they are not particularly rooting for him and therefore easily reconcile with his shortcomings. They seem to be saying: we have come together not to do a common thing together, to work on ourselves, but to have a rest together, so we will not interfere with each other in this. In this situation, when people are united by the sin of fornication, and demons do not really tempt them: why destroy the union created in the name of sin and lawlessness?

Therefore, when clashes and disagreements arise between spouses, this does not mean at all that they do not love each other. They, perhaps, on the contrary, want to improve their relationship, root for a loved one, but, unfortunately, they often do not know how to act correctly in a situation of disagreement.

Of course, we should all try to keep conflicts to a minimum. Engage in prevention and prevention. But if a conflict situation nevertheless arose, it is necessary to be able to resolve it constructively and productively for both parties.

The most general, but also the most important rules of behavior in a conflict situation are set out in the epigraph above. In a conflict, a dispute, the worst adviser is anger. Anger, irritation cloud the mind and paralyze the will of a person, so that a person is simply not able to make the right decisions in this state. “A quick-tempered man can do foolishness” (Prov. 26:27), says the wise Solomon. There are many proverbs on this topic: “From one word to a century quarrel”; “Keep your tongue in conversation, but your heart in anger”; “Empty dispute before a quarrel is soon”, etc. And so the Apostle James gives this instruction: “let every man be” “slow to anger” and “slow to speak,” so as not to say something superfluous that can only confuse the conflict and offend the neighbor. A careless, thoughtless word can be very harmful in a serious conversation. Therefore, you need to learn to listen, listen to your opponent (be “quick to hear”) in order to understand what he wants to tell us and what he wants from us, and only then answer him, thinking about your own words and not only about the meaning, but also about form of our response. After all, it is known that it is not so important what say it's important how to tell. One and the same thought can be said in such a way that a person will be offended seriously and for a long time, or it can be so that he will listen to our words.

So, let's move on to ways to resolve conflicts.

Conflict Resolution: Strategy and Tactics

The education of a man or woman is tested by

How do they behave during a fight?

In the 70s of the last century, experts in conflictology identified five styles of behavior in a conflict situation: avoidance, adaptation, confrontation, compromise, cooperation.

Let's take a look at each of these styles one by one.

Evasion . The very name of this style suggests that the participant in the collision seeks to get away from the conflict, to evade it. At the same time, the evader does not have the desire to make active efforts to defend his position or to cooperate with the opposite side, working to find a solution that satisfies all parties to the conflict.

Evasion is usually chosen in several cases:

- when the subject of the conflict is not important and essential for the evading party. A person believes that there is no need to conflict over such trifles;

- when there is an option to achieve your goals in a non-conflict way;

- when a conflict occurs between people of equal strength and position who want to avoid complications in their relationship;

- when a conflict-avoider knows he is wrong or sees that his counterpart has b about greater power, higher position, rank, or is in an emotionally unbalanced state. Dodging is sometimes necessary in order to delay a sharp collision and get time to make the right, informed decision.

Evasion is not always acceptable as a way of behavior in a conflict situation. Sometimes the problem that caused the conflict requires a really serious discussion and search for a joint solution. But very often evasion helps to avoid an impending quarrel, especially if its subject is insignificant, and one of the opponents is in a state of anger and irritation. Such a case is described in the Fatherland by St. Ignatius (Bryanchaninov): “There were two monks, brothers in the flesh and brothers in spirit. The evil devil worked against them in order to separate them. One evening, according to their custom, the younger brother lit the lamp and placed it on a candlestick. Due to the malicious action of the demon, the candlestick fell, and the lamp went out. The crafty devil arranged a pretext for a quarrel between them. The older brother jumped up and began to beat the younger brother in a rage. This one fell at his feet and persuaded his brother: "Calm down, my lord, I will light the lamp again." For the reason that he did not answer with angry words, the evil spirit, being put to shame, immediately departed from him.

Adaptation. Another style of behavior in conflict. It has much in common with evasion, but differs from it in that the parties do not avoid joint actions to resolve the conflict. With this style of behavior, the interests of the conflicting parties are more taken into account. When adapting, the participants seek to mitigate, smooth out the conflict through mutual trust, compliance, reconciliation. They are accommodating and ready to yield to each other, taking into account the interests of the other side.

Adaptation as a way of behavior in a conflict situation is acceptable in several cases.

First of all, when the conflict has reached a boiling point, passions are running high, and in order to maintain peace, mutual concessions and steps towards each other are required.

As an example, the following case can be cited: “Two brothers, wanting to live together, settled in the same cell. One of them reasoned with himself like this: "I will only do what pleases my brother." Equally, the other said: "I will do the will of my brother." They lived for many years in love. The enemy, seeing this, wanted to separate them. He came, stood at the door, and introduced himself to one as a dove, and to another as a crow. One of the brothers said, “Do you see this dove?” “It is a crow,” answered the other, and they began to argue among themselves. One says one thing, the other says something else. Finally they fought, to the full delight of the enemy, and dispersed. Three days later, they came to their senses, asked each other for forgiveness, told one another how each of them introduced themselves to the bird they saw, and recognized in this the temptation of the enemy. After that, they lived inseparably until their death.

The adaptation can be used where the participant in the conflict considers the problem that has arisen not very important, essential for himself and therefore is ready to take into account the interests of the other side, to give in to it.

In conflictology, adaptation is considered the most acceptable way to resolve conflicts. Under him, the conflicting parties do not shy away from the solution, but strive for reconciliation, work together on the problem, appreciating good relationships and friendly disposition. They make concessions, but at the same time remember their interests.

Confrontation as a way of behaving in a conflict, it is characterized by the fact that the person who uses this style seeks to impose his point of view on other parties, acting tough and independently, without taking into account the interests of other parties to the conflict. At the same time, forceful pressure, official position, blackmail, intimidation, coercion, etc. are used in order to get the better of the opponent, to win the conflict.

Confrontation is used when the conflicting party is absolutely sure that its position on solving the problem is the only correct one. In her higher position, she acts from a position of strength and wants to force the other side to make the decision she needs.

In a confrontation, force and power cannot always be used. But this is always a very firm and uncompromising upholding of one's position, one's interests.

Confrontation is, of course, the most undesirable style of behavior in conflict situations. As an illustration, we can give an example of some kind of marital conflict, where the husband wants to solve the problem using his power as the head of the family.

A young family lives: husband and wife, they have children. You can even give the spouses some names, for example, Vladimir and Irina. I knew several married couples, where the spouses were named Volodya and Ira. But let them not be offended by me: our heroes are fictional, so to speak, universal, and therefore all coincidences are pure coincidence. My conversations are devoted to how to acquire peace in the family, and therefore the names Vladimir and Irina are the most suitable, because Irina is translated from Greek as “peace”, and Vladimir is a Slavic name, and it means “owning the world”.

The couple are discussing whose parents to go after the festive service to celebrate Christmas. Vladimir offers to go to his parents: they live on the other side of the city, and therefore young people rarely visit them; In addition, his mother is a very tasty cook. Ira, on the contrary, wants to visit her parents: they supposedly live close, and small children will be tired after the service anyway; besides, Irina, to be honest, did not have a very good relationship with her husband's mother, and, of course, it is more pleasant for her to spend time with her parents. Word for word... The situation is heating up. Nobody wants to give in. Finally, Vladimir uses "heavy artillery". "Ira! he says in a threatening voice. - Who is the head of the family? Who has the final say? As I said, so be it. I forgot what was read at the wedding: “And the wife should be afraid of her husband”? Irina has to reluctantly reconcile herself, but the festive dinner for her is already ruined. But this, in principle, a simple situation could be resolved in another, peaceful way, but more on that later.

It has already been said that brute force is not always used in confrontation; sometimes confrontation can be expressed in a firm and stubborn upholding of one's position. The party declaring such a position uses persuasive arguments and steadfastness in its decision, because it knows that the issue under discussion is very important to it. For example, it is not uncommon for one of the spouses (for example, a wife), a believing church person, to want to take children to church and raise them in Orthodoxy. And the husband is not only indifferent to matters of faith, but is also very hostile to the piety of his wife: he forbids her to go to church, pray and give communion to her children. Here, obedience to her husband cannot be higher than obedience to God, and the wife must stand firm in her position (without losing, of course, respect for her husband) and not compromise her Christian principles. Love for God is higher than kindred love: “Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me” (Matthew 10:37).

Or such an example. Wife wants to have an abortion. My husband is totally against it. Here no compromise is possible. If the wife does not listen to her husband and still commits infanticide against his will, he even has the right to divorce her, according to the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church, adopted at the 2001 Bishops' Council.

But confrontation is almost always not the best way to resolve conflicts, and this style can only be used in very rare cases.

Compromise . With this style of behavior, the parties to the conflict are ready to resolve their differences through mutual concessions; they are looking for a middle solution that will satisfy all parties. Compromise is one of the most preferred ways to resolve conflicts, as it leads to overcoming hostility and allows to some extent to satisfy all participants in the conflict.

When the parties to the conflict resort to compromise to solve the problem, this speaks of their high culture of behavior and sanity. However, before applying this style, it is necessary to weigh everything very well, not to rush into making compromise decisions and to check well whether a compromise is suitable in a given situation or whether one should resort to evasion, accommodation or cooperation. Compromise may not always be a solution to the problem and is not always able to resolve all contradictions and satisfy all the interests of the parties, but sometimes a compromise can be applied even when the conflicting ones have mutually exclusive interests, but are aware of the need to find a temporary solution and come to terms with this state of affairs until then, until a better solution can be found. Also, a compromise is very desirable as an intermediate option if the conflict threatens to turn into a quarrel and is fraught with a break in relations and great losses.

Considering confrontation as a way of behavior in a conflict situation, we did this on the example of one family. Let us turn to these spouses again to understand how the same situation can be resolved, but with the help of a compromise.

So, each of the spouses wants to celebrate Christmas with their parents, there is a clash of interests. The husband, Vladimir, wants his wife's interests to be satisfied as well, but he also wants to visit his parents. Here is an option. Vladimir says to his wife: “Irisha, I have great respect for your parents, I am always pleased to visit them, but we haven’t visited my relatives for a long time, because they don’t live close, and yours were recently. Let's still spend the holiday with my parents, but I promise you that we will definitely visit your dad and mom in a couple of days, at Christmas time, because the Christmas holiday is celebrated for more than one day. Seeing the sincere disposition of her husband and the desire to resolve differences peacefully, Irina agrees to this compromise. She shows obedience to her husband, and the husband, taking into account the interests of his wife, promises to visit her parents, although, perhaps, he does not really want to.

Cooperation It is characteristic that the parties to the conflict want to maximize their interests, but, unlike confrontation, they jointly seek a solution that satisfies all parties. They work together, cooperate to achieve a common goal.

This style is acceptable when the issue is important to all parties, and no one intends to shy away from resolving it.

At the same time, the parties take into account the interests and needs of each other. This style is not simple, because the discussion of the problem requires great wisdom, patience, friendliness and the ability to make joint decisions. After all, it is necessary to take into account as much as possible all the wishes of the participants in the conflict and come to an agreement.

For example, let's turn to our spouses again. Volodya and Ira's eldest son went to school. They sent him to an Orthodox gymnasium, which is not very close to home: it takes several tram stops to get there. But they have two more children, and their upbringing also requires a lot of time and effort. And so Irina asks Vladimir to pick up the child after work from school (he stays for an after-school program). Vladimir works a lot, gets tired and still takes work home (he writes articles for a popular science magazine). And he does not want to stay somewhere else after work, because he will have less time to rest, and besides, he has to edit several articles. There are two options here. Either Vladimir will use the method of confrontation and categorically refuse to help his wife, which she is unlikely to like, or they will look for a way to solve this problem together. For example, Vladimir says to his wife: “Ira, you know how tired I am after work, and I still need to correct mistakes in the texts. But I understand that you are also completely wrapped up with children, so let's try to find some solution. Irina answers her husband: “If you left your articles to me, I could help you: look through them during the day and correct stylistic mistakes, then you will have free time to pick up the boy from school and stay with us. I really appreciate what you are doing for us, and I know that you need to rest after work. This decision suits both spouses, and the conflict is settled.

Summarizing all of the above, we can conclude that the most constructive, productive styles of behavior in a conflict situation are cooperation and compromise, since they involve active, joint actions of all participants. Evasion and accommodation can also be used in some situations, although they involve passive actions.

In family life, it is especially important to remember that the main thing is the preservation of peace and love, and therefore it is necessary to choose a style of behavior in a conflict in such a way that family peace is not violated, even if the spouses have to sacrifice their own interests. We must always separate the important from the secondary. Calmly discuss the main issues, and be able to give in to each other on secondary ones.

Family conflicts examples and their solutions

Dronova A.M., Stupakova O.A.

Scientific adviser: Andrienko L.K.

Donetsk National University of Economics and Trade

named after Mikhail Tugan-Baranovsky

Family conflicts and ways to resolve them

With the growth of conflict situations in the family, family relations are considered to be one of the most popular topics today, since the institution of family and marriage is an integral part of the social life of society. In everyday life, it often happens that a husband and wife who love each other cannot find the main thing - understanding, which leads to a large number of conflicts in the family. Complete understanding between spouses is most often found in families of the older generation, mainly those that have gone through the war period. The modern generation, which is in constant motion, has to either accept the current situation or look for ways to resolve family conflicts.

The purpose of the article is to consider the causes and ways to resolve a family conflict.

The family is the oldest institution of human interaction, a unique phenomenon. Its uniqueness lies in the fact that several people interact in the closest way for a long time, numbering tens of years, that is, for most of human life. In such a system of intensive interaction, disputes, conflicts and crises cannot but arise.

Conflict in sociology is understood as a conscious collision, confrontation between at least two people, groups, their mutually opposite, incompatible, mutually exclusive needs, interests, goals, types of behavior, relationships, attitudes that are essential for the individual and groups.

Conflicts cannot be avoided, they appear under any life circumstances and accompany a person from birth to death.

Scientists have found that conflict situations between spouses can arise for the following reasons:

1) early age of marriage;

4) the attitude of parents to the marriage of children;

6) duration of acquaintance before marriage, etc.

All of the above reasons come down to one thing - the incompatibility of life positions regarding various aspects of the functioning of the family (in raising children, disagreements in financial matters, etc.).

The emergence of conflicts is associated with the desire of people to satisfy certain needs or create conditions for their satisfaction without taking into account the interests of another spouse or family member.

The choice of means of interaction by conflicting spouses depends on the level of culture, type of temperament, character traits, degree of psychological and pedagogical readiness for family life, age, etc.

Depending on the means chosen by the spouses to resolve the conflict, it can play both a destructive and constructive role. The means that destroy family relationships include insults, humiliation of human dignity, the desire to teach a lesson, to offend. As a result, mutual respect disappears, marital interaction becomes an unpleasant duty. In the second case, when the conflict plays a creative role, the spouses seek to choose means that help clarify the causes of conflicts, look for them, first of all, in their actions and deeds, and express mutual readiness to change the existing relationship.

Based on sociological research, scientists have identified the following principles for avoiding family conflicts:

1. The need to establish the cause of the conflict. To do this, a constructive dialogue between the conflicting parties should be held. Most often, it is the initiator of the conflict - the offended spouse who is the first to compromise, thus trying to improve relations in the family. At the same time, the other side should support this initiative and treat it with maximum understanding. A clearly articulated position of the parties makes it possible to quickly resolve the conflict.

The conflict in the family has a special impact on the emotional state of the child and his psyche, since the child can project a similar form of relationship in his future family.

3. Concentration on the existing problem. In a conflict, you need to concentrate on solving a specific problem, rather than trying to solve everything at once. It may take a long time to clear up all disagreements. The discussion should concern not only the conflict as a whole, but also consider in detail all the nuances and errors.

4. Respect for the opinion of the spouse. Be tolerant of the position of the opposite side, even if it seems absurd and wrong to you. It is important to understand each other's position in order to positively resolve the current conflict situation.

4. Finding a compromise. The conflict arises because the spouses have different opinions, interests and have no desire, and sometimes they cannot give in, refuse them. It is necessary to get out of the situation at least partially accept and fulfill the requests of the spouse, on the other hand, do not insist on the ideal, maximum fulfillment of claims. Stubbornness and selfishness should be avoided, which can lead to great disagreements.

5. A sense of humor helps to smooth out the conflict, but does not eliminate the discussion of the problem. You can also sometimes remain silent or ignore your spouse's attempt to initiate a conflict, feeling that he is upset and anxious. You can not aggravate the conflict because of a trifle, as it can turn into a protracted war.

6. Relationships should not be idealized. Do not build illusions, so as not to be disappointed, since the present is unlikely to meet the norms and criteria that were planned in advance.

7. Avoiding difficulties. Overcoming difficult situations together is a great opportunity to quickly find out how ready both partners are to live according to the principle of bilateral compromise.

8. Have a sense of proportion. The ability to calmly and kindly accept criticism. It is important to emphasize first of all the advantages of the partner, and then point out the shortcomings in a friendly manner.

Conclusion. So, if you think about a conflict that happened well, you can no doubt resolve them in the family without resorting to humiliation and insults, which will further strengthen relationships and quickly solve accumulated problems.

The resolution of family conflicts, first of all, depends on the person, his self-control, endurance, patience in relation to each family member. The application of the principles of avoiding family conflicts will allow relations in the family, and, accordingly, in society, to become more harmonious, since each individual family is a cell of society.

1. Elizarov A.N. Conflict and dynamics of family development // Bulletin of RATEPP (Russian Association of Telephone Emergency Psychological Assistance). - 1995. - No. 2. - S. 32 - 37.

2. Family conflicts involving children. B.G. Khersonsky and S.V. Dvoryak (Electronic resource) http://adalin.mospsy.ru

3. Aleksandrov I.F. Family as a primary cell and as a subject of law//Actual problems of behavior, №3, 2003 - C . 13-19.

Typical family conflicts and ways to resolve them (p. 1 of 2)

2.1 Typical family conflicts and ways to resolve them ………………4

Family conflicts are a hot topic in modern society, unfortunately. I would like, as a young family, to figure out what conflicts exist, what are the ways to resolve them, and how to prevent these family conflicts. After all, family is the most valuable thing in the world. This is mutual understanding and mutual respect for each other. And I don't want it all to fall apart.

2. Main body

2.1 Typical family conflicts and ways to resolve them.

Any family in the course of its life is faced with problem situations, the resolution of which is carried out in conditions of inconsistency of individual needs, motives and interests. The conflict is defined as a clash of oppositely directed goals, interests, positions, opinions.

Family conflicts are divided into conflicts between spouses, parents and children, spouses and parents of each spouse, grandparents and grandchildren. The main role in family relations is played by marital conflicts. They often arise due to dissatisfaction with the needs of spouses. It is possible to single out the causes of marital conflicts: -psychosexual incompatibility of spouses; — dissatisfaction with the need for the significance of one's "I", disrespect for the sense of dignity on the part of the partner;

— dissatisfaction with the need for positive emotions: lack of affection, care, attention and understanding;

— addiction of one of the spouses to the excessive satisfaction of their

needs (alcohol, drugs, financial expenses only for themselves);

— dissatisfaction with the need for mutual assistance and mutual understanding in matters of housekeeping, raising children, in relation to parents, etc.;

— differences in leisure needs, hobbies.

In addition, there are factors that influence the conflict of marital

relations. These include periods of crisis in the development of the family.

The first year of married life is characterized by conflicts of adaptation to each other, when two "I" become one "We". Feelings are evolving.

The second crisis period is associated with the appearance of children:

Opportunities for professional growth of spouses are deteriorating.

- they have fewer opportunities for free realization in personally attractive activities (hobbies, hobbies).

- wife's fatigue associated with caring for a child can lead to a temporary decrease in sexual activity.

- there may be clashes of views of spouses and their parents on problems

The third crisis period coincides with the average marital age, which is characterized by conflicts of monotony. As a result

repeated repetition of the same impressions, the spouses become saturated with each other.

The fourth period of conflict between spouses begins after 18-24 years of marriage. Its occurrence often coincides with the approach of the period of involution, the emergence of a feeling of loneliness associated with the departure of children.

External factors have a significant impact on the occurrence of marital conflicts: the deterioration of the financial situation of many families; excessive employment of one of the spouses (or both) at work; impossibility of normal employment of one of the spouses; prolonged absence of your home; the inability to arrange children in a child care institution, etc.

In modern society, on family conflicts and society itself, this is the growth of social alienation; decline in moral values, including traditional norms of sexual behavior; a change in the traditional position of women in the family (the opposite poles of this change are the complete economic independence of women and the housewife syndrome); the crisis state of the economy, finance, social sphere of the state.

The resolution of marital conflicts depends primarily on the ability of spouses to understand, forgive and yield. One of the conditions for ending the conflict of loving spouses is not to seek victory. Victory at the expense of the defeat of a loved one can hardly be called an achievement. It is important to respect the other, no matter what the fault may lie on him. You need to be able to honestly ask yourself (and most importantly, answer yourself honestly) what really worries you. It is better to come to an understanding yourself and not involve others in your conflicts - parents, children, friends, neighbors and

acquaintances. The well-being of the family depends only on the spouses themselves.

Separately, it is worth dwelling on such a radical method of resolving

marital conflicts like divorce. According to psychologists, it is preceded by a process consisting of three stages:

a) emotional divorce, expressed in alienation, indifference of spouses to each other, loss of trust and love;

b) physical divorce leading to separation;

c) legal divorce, requiring legal registration of the termination of marriage.

For many, divorce brings deliverance from hostility, hostility, deceit and that which has darkened life. Of course, it also has negative consequences. They are different for divorcees, children and society. The most vulnerable in a divorce is a woman who usually has children. She is more than

male subject to neuropsychiatric disorders. The negative effects of divorce on children are far greater than

consequences for spouses. A child loses one beloved parent, and in many cases mothers prevent fathers from seeing their children.

The child often experiences peer pressure regarding the absence of one of his parents, which affects his neuropsychic state. Divorce leads to the fact that society receives an incomplete family, the number of adolescents with deviant behavior increases, and crime grows. This creates additional difficulties for society.

The family may also have conflicts between parents and children.

One of the most common problems in everyday life.

So why do conflicts arise between parents and children?

1. Type of intra-family relations. There are harmonious and disharmonious types of family relations. In a harmonious family, a moving balance is established, which is manifested in the formation of the psychological roles of each family member, the formation of the family "We", the ability of family members to resolve contradictions.

Family disharmony is the negative nature of marital relations,

expressed in the conflict interaction of spouses. The level of psychological tension in such a family tends to increase, leading to neurotic reactions of its members, the emergence of a feeling of constant anxiety in children.

2. Destructiveness of family education. The following features stand out

destructive types of education:

- disagreements of family members on issues of education;

- inconsistency, inconsistency, inadequacy;

guardianship and prohibitions in many areas of children's lives;

- increased demands on children, frequent use of threats, condemnations,

3. Age crises of children are considered as factors of their increased conflict. The age crisis is a transitional period from one stage of child development to another. During critical periods, children become naughty, capricious, irritable. They often come into conflict with others, especially with their parents. They have a negative attitude towards previously fulfilled requirements, reaching stubbornness. The following age crises of children are distinguished:

- crisis of the first year (transition from infancy to early childhood);

- crisis of "three years" (transition from early childhood to preschool age);

- crisis of 6-7 years (transition from preschool to primary school age);

- crisis of puberty (transition from primary school to adolescence 12-14 years old);

- Adolescence crisis 15-17 years.

4. Personal factor. Environment of personal characteristics of parents,

contributing to their conflicts with children, allocate a conservative way

thinking, adherence to outdated rules of behavior and harmful

habits (drinking alcohol, etc.). Among the personal characteristics of children are such as low academic performance, violations of the rules of conduct, ignoring the recommendations of parents, as well as disobedience, stubbornness, selfishness and egocentrism, self-confidence, laziness, etc. Thus, the conflicts under consideration can be presented as the result of mistakes of parents and children.

There are the following types of relationships between parents and children:

- the optimal type of relationship between parents and children;

Family conflicts and their solutions

There are three sources of human attraction

Soul, mind and body.

Attraction of souls breeds friendship.

The combination of all three creates love.

This essay is almost entirely devoted to family problems, but I will also try to analyze the main mistakes, as well as write about ways out of their crisis situations. To begin with, I would like to touch on the topic of love.

The values ​​that a person aspires to are largely determined by the group where he learned to communicate, where his personality was formed, where he developed his views and according to the norms of which he evaluates his activities in the future. The first and most significant group for a person is the family. In the family, the child for the first time masters various ways of communication, and this contributes to his success in the future. The style of communication prevailing in the family, views and ideals are for the child those guidelines that shape his future aspirations and often remain a model for an adult.

“The emergence of a family usually involves mutual love. At the same time, many are subject to the illusion that happy love falls from the sky and does not require any mental effort from a person. They do not realize that even “love at first sight” is impossible without the coincidence of the previously formed ideal with the qualities of a new acquaintance, or at least the appearance of the illusion of such a coincidence. Oddly enough, most people believe that the happiness of love lies in being loved, and not in being able to love oneself. From their point of view, love is easy, but finding the object of love is a difficult task. They consider the main thing to be loved along with all the obvious and hidden flaws and virtues. (Love us black, and everyone will love us white). This is how one of the misconceptions is manifested, which is that love is something that does not require effort - manna from heaven. Here, a very important idea is obscured - love is a verb, not a noun, and the essence of love is an active responsible action. ”

But there is true love, which makes you forget about yourself. That is why it is said “and Jacob served for Rachel for seven years, and they seemed to him like a few days because he loved her.” He loved her and not himself, and his love clung to her and did not bother him. No wonder they say that in mature love, the center of gravity of relationships and feelings is concentrated not on oneself, but on a partner. A person begins to think and care, first of all, about whom he loves about his conveniences and interests, and not about himself. He gives more than he takes. He wants happiness and self-expression for his beloved and tries with all his might to think first of all about his beloved. about his comforts and interests and not about himself. he gives more than he takes. He wants happiness and self-expression for his beloved and tries with all his might to contribute to the development of his personality. The ability to think first of all about the other person, the ability to receive joy, giving it away are indispensable companions of mature love.

Love means that the shell of egoism has been pierced and another one has been admitted into the sphere of the Self. It can be said that in this way the “I” produced the self-negation of egocentrism and took the first steps towards understanding others and the world. It is clear that love eliminates the egoistic feeling caused by self-love. Values ​​are being exchanged. Overcoming his limitations, a person becomes able to comprehend the infinite. This leads to an increase in conscious interests and to an increase in the field of vision. Love rebuilds personality. There is an idealization elimination of contradictions in the perception of the ideal. This restructuring is detected and at the psychophysiological level, vision, hearing, taste, smell, and touch are sharpened, giving all sensations ringing and strength.

Definition and functions of the family

According to the definition of Solovyov N. Ya., the family is a small social group of society, the most important form of organizing personal life, based on marital union and family ties, i.e. relations between husband and wife, parents and children, brothers and sisters and other relatives living together and leading the same household” it is not necessary to say what role the family plays in the life of an individual and society as a whole, its importance is great. Let us dwell on the most important integral characteristics of the family. They are its functions structure and dynamics.

Family functions. These are spheres of family life directly related to the satisfaction of certain needs of its members. Let us characterize the personal and social significance of the seven most important functions in society.

1 educational function is to meet individual needs in fatherhood, motherhood in the upbringing of children and self-realization of children. In relation to society, this function, implemented by the family, ensures the socialization of the younger generation.

2 economic function is to meet the material needs of the family. In this sense, the family ensures the restoration of the forces expended during physical labor.

3. emotional function. It is implemented in meeting the needs of the family for sympathy, respect, recognition of emotional support, psychological protection. This function ensures the emotional stabilization of members of society, helps to maintain their mental health.

4. spiritual communication - this function is manifested in meeting the needs for joint leisure activities, mutual spiritual enrichment and plays an important role in the spiritual development of members of society.

5, the function of primary social control ensures the fulfillment of social norms by family members, especially those who do not have the ability to build their behavior in full accordance with social norms.

This applies to the elderly, children and those family members who suffer from some kind of physical ailment.

6. The sexual-erotic function is realized in the sexually erotic needs of family members. In this sense, the family regulates the sexually erotic orientation of the behavior of family members, and also ensures the biological reproduction of society.

Over time occurs in the content and significance of the various functions of the family, depending on social conditions. In the modern family, the importance of such functions as emotional spiritual communication, sexual, erotic and educational functions has significantly increased. Marriage is seen in our time as a union based on emotional ties more than economic material ones. .

The functions described above, of course, do not provide a guaranteed explanation for the life of the family, but they at least somehow determine it.

Attention should be paid to violations of the functions of the family, which impede or prevent the family from fulfilling its functions, and represent one of the features of its life. We list the main factors contributing to the violation of the implementation of family functions:

personal characteristics of family members (character, temperament, value orientation, etc.)

relationships between family members, as well as the level of cohesion and mutual understanding in the family

certain family conditions.

For example, consider the factors that contribute to the violation of the implementation of the educational function of the family. K. Such factors can be attributed

incomplete family composition

insufficient level of knowledge and skills of parents in raising children

negative relationship between parents

family conflict (not only on issues of education, but also on other issues related to family upbringing)

intervention by relatives in the upbringing of children

STRUCTURE OF THE FAMILY allows you to determine how duties and rights are distributed among its members, who is in charge and who is in charge. From the point of view of the structure, we can distinguish such families in which the leadership and organization of all its functions are concentrated in the hands of one of its family members (centralized authoritarian style) seven where all family members take part in solving certain problems (democratic system of relations)

The most common age structure of families in our society is that of a husband, wife, children, and someone from the older generation (grandparents)

The family is most often focused on the equal distribution of rights and duties, as well as equal participation in solving all family problems.

Violations of the family structure are such features of its structure that impede the performance of its functions. This may be an uneven distribution of household chores between the spouses, because it interferes with the satisfaction of the needs of one of the spouses in the formation of physical forces in satisfying spiritual needs. Another reason is family conflict.

Family dynamics. The structure and functions of the family change at different stages of family life. There are several periodizations of the family life cycle based on the presence or absence of children in the family, as well as their age. The periodization of E.K. Vasilyeva, which includes five stages of the life cycle, has become widespread in our country:

The birth of a family (from the moment of marriage to the appearance of the first child). The most important tasks to be solved at this stage: the psychological adaptation of the spouses to the conditions of family life and the psychological characteristics of each other; Acquisition of housing and joint property; building relationships with relatives. The complex process of forming intra-family and out-of-family relations, the convergence of habits, ideas, values ​​at this stage proceeds very intensively and intensely. An indirect reflection of all these difficulties is the number and causes of divorces.

The birth and upbringing of children is an indirect stage of the life cycle - an established mature family, which includes minor children. In the life of the family, this is the time of the greatest household activity and the active transformation of the function of spiritual communication and emotional function. The spouses face the task of preserving the emotional and spiritual community in new conditions that differ from those in which the family was created. The formation of relationships took place in the field of leisure and entertainment. In the conditions of the workload of both spouses with household and professional duties, the spiritual and emotional community is much more manifested in the desire to help each other, mutual sympathy and emotional support. The educational function is especially significant at this stage. Ensuring the physical and spiritual development of children is felt by family members as the most important task during this period.

At this stage, various problems and violations arise. The main sources of family disruption are

Overload of one of the spouses or both, overstrain of their physical and moral forces

the need to restructure emotional and spiritual relationships

It is at this stage that various appearances of emotional cooling are especially often observed - adultery, sexual disharmony and divorce due to “disappointment in character” and love for another person. The main violations here are related to educational difficulties.

End of family life. This period includes the following moments: the end of the family's educational function, the beginning of the labor activity of children, the beginning of an independent family life for children, and the care of the older generation for the younger. All these processes determine the qualitative content of family life. Particularly obvious are the shifts in everyday life associated with the peculiarities of the return. The gradual weakening of physical strength increases the role of the restorative functions of life, rest becomes important. With the deterioration of health problems associated with it come to the fore. The members of the seven become actively involved in household work and childcare. new roles of ‘‘grandparents’’ appear, especially in the first years of the life of grandchildren. Part of the problems that children face in the first stages of their 2nd family life is passed on to the older generation. completion of the main life cycle, labor activity, retirement, narrowing of the circle of communication and opportunities exacerbates the need of the older generation for recognition from children. A particularly noticeable role at this stage is played by the feeling of being needed, important for children and loved ones.

Factors causing family disorder

And now let's look at the main points characteristic of the emergence and manifestation of a family conflict. All the difficulties that a family faces can be divided by the duration and strength of their action.

overpowering stimuli. For example, the death of one of the members of the social status. Illness of a loved one, etc.

long-term (chronic irritants). Such difficulties include, for example, physical and mental stress in everyday life, at work, difficulties in solving housing problems, long-term and persistent conflict between family members

there are two more types

Difficulties associated with a sharp change in family lifestyle. These are mental difficulties that arise at the border of the change of stages of the life cycle, which were mentioned above. Such transitions are accompanied by a drastic change in lifestyle.

Difficulties associated with their summation and superimposition on each other. for example, the need for a practical solution to the problem at the beginning of the second stage, that is, after the appearance of the first child in the family, the completion of education, the development of a profession, child care, the initial acquisition of property, the solution of a family problem.

According to the source of origin, family problems are divided into three types.

Associated with the stages of family life, that is, primary difficulties that are experienced by all families in a more or less acute form, adaptation to each other, the formation of relationships with relatives at the first stage; the problems of raising and caring for a child running a labor-intensive household on the second. These difficulties at certain moments in the life of the family lead to crises. the first crisis is possible at the end of the first year of marriage. The second is between the third and seventh years. The third between seventeen and twenty-five.

Difficulties caused by unfavorable life cycle options are those that arise when one of its members (spouses, children) is absent from the family. The reasons may be divorce, long-term separation of the spouses, the presence of an illegitimate child.

Situational disturbances are difficulties, relatively short in duration, that pose a threat to the functioning of the family (serious illness of family members, large property losses). A special role is played by the factor of surprise (unpreparedness of family members for a particular event), exclusivity, a sense of helplessness (uncertainty that seven can provide a safe future).

The most important consequence of all these disorders is the adverse effect on the mental health of individuals, which subsequently only exacerbates the family's unviability, the state of dissatisfaction, neuropsychic stress and inhibits the development of the individual.

Any family seeks to counteract and prevent adverse consequences. sometimes difficulties have a mobilizing, integrating effect, and sometimes weaken, strengthen the contradiction. Such unequal resilience of families in relation to difficulties is explained in different ways.

Most often, the mechanism for solving problems is considered in relation to families who can do this (identify them, realize, put forward the most appropriate solution)

There are also groups of families that easily adapt to adverse conditions. This is facilitated by the flexibility of relationships, not too rigid and not too “vague” degree of clarity in the formulation of role expectations, family cohesion, openness in the perception of the world around us, and indeed the ability to resolve

All families where happiness reigns are similar, but every family has its own hardships - this idea was once formulated by Leo Tolstoy, and even in his years it was not news. And over time, the situation does not change - conflicts, quarrels, scandals, "debriefing" happen in almost every family. And these conflict situations are almost always followed by grief, depression, depression, new nervous breakdowns ...

It seems that the reason in each case is different and that it is impossible to understand these reasons. But is it really so? Maybe if the positive aspects are similar, then in the negative manifestations you can find something in common? But it is known that if you know the real background of troubles of any scale, then you can find a way to counter these troubles.

Family conflicts

When talking about conflicts in the family, it seems that misunderstanding between parents and children, quarrels between husband and wife, fights between schoolchildren, resentment of old people on younger generations are completely different from each other. In addition, external circumstances can be very different, ranging from the place of residence, living conditions and material well-being and ending with the educational level and individual characteristics of the character of each person.

However, in any case, we are talking about relationships between people, and here it should be understood that honesty, nobility, disinterestedness, desire and willingness to help do not depend on wealth or place of residence, and on age or on having a diploma too.

It turns out that people are actually driven by some other reasons, and that the stumbling block is not a broken cup, not a small salary, and not old boots. But what actually causes screaming, tears, swearing, tantrums, threats, and sometimes fights?

Attention! Psychologists consider negative emotions and feelings that have accumulated over time or arose spontaneously as the ground for conflict.

For many, it may come as a complete surprise that almost always any misunderstanding and any conflict can be resolved in a completely peaceful way, without hurtful words and loud sobs. The main thing that is needed for this is to understand the psychological background of what is happening, and really want not to conflict.

Psychologists say that people, regardless of age, quarrel only when they have no idea how to get out of the current situation without raising their tone, or when they need a conflict situation for some reason. What for? For example, to manipulate another person.

And one more important circumstance can be singled out: if a conflict arises, then each participant in this unsightly situation blames the other, but few begin to understand themselves. But often it is the internal contradictions of a person that form the basis of his relations with others, including the basis of quarrels. And now let's take into account that absolutely everyone has internal contradictions ...

3 most important causes of conflicts in the family

Every conflict has a reason. But you should not confuse the reason with the reason, because anything, any little thing can serve as a reason for the conflict, but there are few real reasons. The main causes of conflicts in the family can be grouped into three groups.

1. Firstly, people often want to get some information. But before you fight for this information, you should think carefully about whether they are really needed.
2. Secondly, conflicts are often aimed at changing something, especially when it comes to changing behavior.
3. Thirdly, often a conflict is needed in order to determine the main, leader, master in the house. That is, it is the conflict in this case that should demonstrate who is stronger.

Attention! In the vast majority of cases (exceptions are very rare), the conflict will not give the desired result.

Striving for power

The first cause of conflicts in the family can be considered the desire for power and, as a result, the desire for maximum control over everything. It should be noted that the desire for power is a completely instinctive desire, since in wildlife in any flock the strongest commands, and unconditionally.

It is known that a person is largely guided by instincts and that many human actions can be explained precisely by instinctive behavior. The desire to gain power and the right to dispose of at least in your small home flock is the underlying reason for many family conflicts. Dispose of all family members - and their age does not matter at all.

It is human nature to strive for power, even if it is the smallest power over the weaker ones (over children or over aged parents). Of course, civilization has smoothed this instinct a little, but it has not gone away and cannot go away.

What to do? Just think, and think very well. If a person cares about relationships in his family, he will not create an atmosphere of fear around him, because fear kills all other feelings. Relationships can only be built on mutual understanding, on respect, on sympathy and on love - and none of these feelings has anything to do with fear.

In the end, millions of years of development of a reasonable person should have taught them to cope with instincts and control their behavior. Leader of the pack? It is perfectly! But is it the leader who decides all the issues in your pack? Maybe it's time to share power, that is, the right to decide?

Guilt

Another cause of conflict is guilt. It would seem that this is completely unrealistic: what kind of conflict can there be with a person who pleads guilty. But guilty of what?

Can a person be always to blame for everything? And if someone constantly agrees to take the blame for absolutely everything, even for the fall of the Tunguska meteorite that fell on the taiga in 1908? This, you know, sooner or later begins to annoy ...

Of course, any person can make a mistake and any person should be able to take responsibility for their mistakes, but a constant feeling of guilt for absolutely everything that happens will not lead to anything good. As a result, a "whipping boy" may well form. But this upsets people, people do not understand this, and some are happy to vent their bad mood, irritation, and accumulated negativity onto such “eternally unhappy” people.

What to do in this case? First, never take the position of a victim, never blame yourself for everything that happens. Guilty - answer. But only for what is to blame in this particular case. Secondly, to instill self-esteem in your children.

Feeling of revenge

Sometimes conflict arises because someone wants to satisfy their sense of revenge, because of the desire to avenge something, to punish, to put in place. But this will not lead to anything good, but will only become the basis for new insults and for a new misunderstanding.

The saddest thing is that revenge entails a desire to take revenge in return - and it becomes very difficult to break this vicious circle. If we are talking about a large family, then more and more people are gradually drawn into this conflict, and everyone is already taking revenge on everyone, sometimes even forgetting what caused the conflict and the reason for revenge.

The most annoying thing is that a person who understands that his actions are caused precisely by the desire to take revenge will never be fully satisfied and will not feel the triumph of justice. Often in families, not only spouses take revenge on each other, but also children to parents, and parents to children. Worst of all, in such families, growing children form the wrong stereotype of behavior, which they will transfer to their family.

What to do? Perhaps the most correct thing in such situations is to learn to forgive. Because if this does not happen, then the family is doomed and will certainly collapse. If the family is dear and means a lot - forgive the offense, if it is impossible to forgive, then it is better to leave, because the path of revenge is not only very difficult, but also very dangerous.

Sense of justice

Unfortunately, the cause of conflicts in the family is often a sense of justice, or rather, what people take for this feeling. Unfortunately, grievances and quarrels on this basis are completely unfounded.

Is it fair that Masha has a larger apple? Is it fair that I have to do the cleaning myself? Is it fair that I have to earn for my summer holidays? To any of these questions, as well as to many others, quite reasonable and motivated answers can be given, and most importantly, it turns out that it is fair exactly as a particular person thinks, because everyone has their own point of view, and it is she who seems right.

What to do? In the family, one should not be lazy to discuss everything and not be sorry for this time. We must try to leave no room for speculation and assumptions in the family: “Probably, Masha was given the biggest apple, because she is more loved.” It is better to immediately explain that Masha is already thirteen years old, and Olya is only three, so Olya will not be able to eat a whole apple. Olya is smaller - and the apple is smaller. Is that fair?"

Desire to win

One of the causes of conflicts in the family is competition for any reason and the desire to be sure to be a winner. Moreover, the desire to prove one's case by all means often has very negative consequences. In fact, this is one of the forms of striving for leadership.

However, it is often overlooked that leadership implies not only the right to make decisions, but also the obligation to take responsibility, that is, the obligation to be responsible for the decision made and for the results of its implementation. Unfortunately, with regard to responsibility, it is precisely this that often attracts the least, and the main thing is simply to win in any dispute and in any situation.

Of course, if the desire to win is supported by both skill, perseverance, and the ability to be responsible for the result of one’s decision, then this may not be bad, but if there is nothing behind the desire to compete, then the results may turn out to be sad, because a conflict is quite possible. .

What to do in this case? In order not to provoke conflicts by insisting on the correctness of one’s opinion, and still win, one must not only insist, but also motivate one’s proposal or decision, it is necessary to explain why this decision is correct and why one should act in this way.

Feeling angry

Conflict in the family can be provoked by anger or bitterness. Moreover, these feelings, like any other negative emotions, devastate a person, take away energy, create an atmosphere of oppression.

As a rule, anger provokes either active or passive aggression, that is, an angry person either tries to provoke a conflict (scandal, tantrum, or even a fight), or tries with all his might not to take part in the conflict and avoid it (is silent, closes in his room , leaves home).

However, in any of these cases, the conflict is not resolved, anger and bitterness accumulate, tension increases. Neither scandal, nor shouting, nor any accusations, as a rule, reach the goal, but misunderstanding continues to grow, driving the conflict situation deeper.

What to do? The only way to resolve this conflict is through conversation. Unfortunately, this method of conflict resolution is not very popular, although it is the most effective. If people living in the same family want to continue living together, they should listen to each other and try to find a way to resolve the current conflict situation, which is provoked by anger.

Narcissism and egocentrism

It is quite clear that the desire and aspiration of one person to put himself at the center of the universe can cause irritation and indignation of other family members, provoking conflict situations.

Of course, you can start with the fact that the parents who raised such a child are to blame for everything, but no accusations will help in this case. However, it is often people who put only their own interests above all that become the cause of both misunderstandings and serious conflicts.

What to do? If a person knows that he is prone to narcissism and narcissism, then he should strive to control himself. The environment of such a person should help him realize the wrongness and irrationality of his actions.

True, in this case, the egocentrist is in the center of everyone's attention, which he achieves. It is very likely that in this case the help of a psychotherapist will be needed.

Willingness to Blame

Very often, the cause of conflicts in the family is the desire to find someone to blame for all the troubles and not take responsibility. In any case, it turns out to justify oneself, because someone did something wrong, at the wrong time, said the wrong thing. However, in most cases, if you carefully consider all the circumstances of the fact that caused the charges, you will find that both parties are to blame.

How to get out of the situation? To get out of this situation, we must remember that almost always there is no one person to blame. And it is quite possible that by blaming someone else, a person is trying to relieve himself of responsibility for what happened or his part of the blame. But another option is also possible, when a person completely takes all the blame. But that doesn't happen either.

Apparently, in order to avoid conflicts in this case, one should simply analyze the situation well and draw appropriate conclusions. It is very important to understand that no scandal and no accusations will change the situation, and in order to avoid such overlays and failures in the future, it is necessary to analyze the real reasons for the previous failure.

"Scapegoat"

Sometimes the cause of conflicts in the family is the presence of a “scapegoat”, who is always to blame for everything. Of course, on the one hand, it is very convenient to blame all the troubles and troubles on one person, on the other hand, this person develops discontent, which can spill out at any moment.

This outpouring of emotions can sometimes become similar to the uprising of slaves in ancient Rome and even lead to the destruction of the family. On the other hand, there are people who prefer to constantly feel like a victim and convince others of this: it is easier to manipulate their environment.

How to deal with it? It is very important that neither a "whipping boy" ever appear in the family, on which anger is simply driven away, nor a "scapegoat", which is very easy to make guilty of all the troubles.

Talk to each other, help, listen, treat each other with respect - and then horned artiodactyls will only appear in the zoo.

Feelings of pride and shame

Strange as it may seem, however, feelings of shame and pride can be the cause of conflicts in the family. Something done wrong and ashamed of it?

Therefore, in order not to listen to unnecessary reproaches and unpleasant reminders, a person begins to fence himself off with a wall of silence or, conversely, to attack in order to prevent possible attacks on himself. Positive, by and large, feelings become the basis on which the conflict is built.

Or a feeling of superiority over the interlocutor because of the firm belief that they are right - the vast majority of people want their position to be accepted as correct, even if someone has to give up their own opinion. And no one wants to give in... The conflict is in full swing.

What to do? If we are talking about wounded pride or a sense of shame, especially false, it is very important not to leave a person alone with his thoughts, but to talk with him, then the possibility of conflicts decreases significantly.

Defense of the Truth and Righteousness

Oddly enough, but the cause of conflicts in the family is often the desire to protect the correct position, the truth, the rightness. Unfortunately, this is completely futile, because people look at each situation from different points of view, having different life experiences and different goals.

The same glass can be half full or half empty, as you look at it. But sometimes, defending the truth, people can reach not only scandals, but also divorce. And often this is the truth - do you need potatoes in a hodgepodge ... However, the desire to prove one's case is much stronger than common sense.

How to proceed? You should never argue and fight for the truth if the interlocutor is extremely agitated, because this will surely end in a quarrel. It would not hurt to remember that any medal has two sides and that you can look at it from all sides. In a word, one must hear, one must listen, one must speak, but one should never stamp one's feet.

Hidden motives of conflicts in the family

Sometimes the motives of conflicts in the family are hidden so deeply that even the closest people cannot understand what is wrong. A person's mood may depend on such factors that no one in the family knows about, but does not even guess. Moreover, a person is not going to devote anyone to the causes of a bad mood ...

How to find a way out? If the motives of family conflicts are hidden and it is impossible to understand them, then again and again you should talk with a person and try to find out what worries him and does not suit him.

Attention! Sometimes help is needed to resolve a conflict. This can be a conversation with a loved one, and professional help from a psychologist or psychotherapist.

Psychology about conflicts

Psychology defines conflict as a lack of agreement between people, if it concerns individuals. And the lack of agreement can provoke a clash of interests, a clash of contradictions and a further aggravation of the situation.

Anything can become the cause of the conflict: politics, culture, religion, material condition, interests, expectations - absolutely anything. Add to this pride, determination, emotionality - and here it is, the conflict. And then off we go: old grievances are remembered, things that were not there are thought out and composed, wrong conclusions are made.

Do you want to end the conflict? Learn to give in. Most likely, it will soon be possible to return to a painful topic in a slightly different setting, and then it will be possible to return to our previous position.

It is very important to understand that it is flexibility, the ability to listen to a loved one, the desire to find a compromise solution, the search for common ground that will help resolve the conflict. Is your interlocutor right about something? Tell him about it, but gently and with respect for his opinion, because it is tolerance and goodwill that make it possible to extinguish the conflict much easier than anything else.

Even if an ordinary dispute has turned into a conflict, you should control your emotions, because uncontrolled emotions can completely destroy any relationship. And it is equally important that a civilized, calm and reasonable dispute never turn into a real conflict.

It is extremely important to understand that the conflict can be resolved only through a calm dialogue, that is, a conversation. Only if all parties to the conflict can formulate their claims, their vision and communicate their expectations, only then can the conflict be ended and extinguished.

Of course, it is very important to be able to formulate your thoughts, impressions, wishes, but it is equally important to be able to listen to the other side. It is quite possible that you will even have to change your point of view on some issues - this is normal, because only in this way is truth born in a dispute. Notice, in a dispute, not in a conflict.

What is dangerous conflict in the family? Any conflict awakens in people who yesterday were the closest, dearest and loved ones, resentment, distrust, irritation, anger. Conflicts have a bad effect on health, and not only on the work of the nervous system, but also on the work of all systems and organs of the body. There are cases when conflicts ended in suicidal attempts with a fatal outcome.

Do you want to blame someone close to you? Do you feel that you can offend any of the household? Stop. Someone must stop any conflict sometime, but some conflicts drag on “forever - until dinner”, while others drag on for decades.

Think about children and grandchildren, think about the atmosphere in which they will grow and develop, think about all that a strong family gives and what makes loving relatives happy. What kind of conflict and what showdown can be more important than the smile of a loved one?

And this is not surprising, because it is in the family that the closest contacts between people occur. And at the same time, each of the family members wants to live in accordance with their own ideas and views, and it is not always possible to correlate them with the habits and beliefs of other family members. On this basis, family conflicts occur. From time to time, spouses, parents and children, or people of the middle and older generations find themselves on opposite sides of the “barricade”.

Conflict can occur not only when family members have different views and beliefs. Sometimes confrontation occurs when people cannot understand each other and because of this they come to the wrong conclusion. This gives rise to claims and resentment, and it is not always possible to resolve the problem peacefully. What else can cause a tense situation leading to a quarrel?

Common causes of family conflicts

Leo Tolstoy wisely remarked that "... every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Each of us could give examples of this. This is about unhappiness. It is the same with conflicts - their causes in different families can be completely different. Even the very passage of marriage through different stages of its existence can create conflict situations. What types of stages of family development can be called crisis?

• The "grinding" period, when the newlyweds learn to live like a married couple;
• The birth of the first child and the development of the role of mom and dad;
• The birth of subsequent children;
• When the child goes to school;
• Children enter adolescence;
• Growing up children and leaving the parental home;
• Marriage midlife crisis;
• Spouses' retirement

Each of these stages can create various stressful situations, which, in turn, can serve as a potential cause of family conflict.

Changes in marital status and family affairs can also contribute to tension. It could be:

• Divorce or separation of spouses;
• Moving to a new place of residence;
• Business trips over long distances and for a long time;
• The need to work in another state;
• Change in the financial situation of the family

So it turns out that family conflicts and their causes can be completely different. The attitude towards each other, the values ​​and needs of each family member may change over time, and they may feel incompatible with the rest.

Types of confrontations within the family

Psychologists distinguish different types of family conflicts:

• Actually conflicts. Even in a happy, healthy, well-functioning family, quarrels happen from time to time. Confrontations can be caused by inconsistencies in the views and goals of different family members. Conflicts can be resolved, and then they do not threaten the stability of family ties. Contradictions in the family can arise at all levels, that is, brothers and sisters, spouses, as well as parents and children can quarrel among themselves.
• tension b. Psychologists call tension long-standing, unresolved conflicts. They may be obvious and overt, or they may just be temporarily suppressed. In any case, they accumulate and cause negative emotions, leading to constant irritability, aggressiveness and hostility, which ultimately causes a loss of contact between family members.
• A crisis. It can be spoken of when conflict and tension have reached a stage in which all models of negotiation that have been operating so far begin to fail, and, consequently, the real needs of individuals or a whole group of households remain chronically unsatisfied. Crises often lead to disorganization of the family, that is, certain obligations of the spouses to each other, or the obligations of parents towards children are no longer performed properly. And the disorganization of the family, in turn, often ends with its disintegration.

These are the main types of conflicts. What can cause them? What roughness in relationships between loved ones can lead to disaster?

Search for "faults" in relationships within the family

Family conflicts and their causes are always closely related. We are ready to provide, although not complete, but a detailed list of those shortcomings in intra-family ties that can significantly affect both the quality of relationships and the further psychological well-being of the family. Here are some examples:

• Inability to express your feelings. In families with an unhealthy psychological climate, its members, as a rule, hide their feelings and reject their manifestations by other people. They do this mainly to avoid mental pain and psychological trauma.
• No connection. In dysfunctional families, open communication between relatives very rarely occurs. If family conflicts arise, family members begin to avoid each other, emotionally moving away and withdrawing into themselves.
• Manifestations of anger. If there are any problems, the unhealthy family tries to hide them, instead of meeting them face to face and trying to solve them. In such a family, there are often disputes about who is responsible for the occurrence of a particular problem, and such disputes most often lead to outbursts of anger and even to the use of force. Such relationships cause complete chaos and causes the participants in the conflict to become deaf to other people's feelings. Prevention and resolution of family conflicts at this stage of the relationship becomes very difficult.
• Fuzzy boundaries of "personal territory". In dysfunctional families, relationships are unstable, chaotic. Some family members suppress others with no respect for their individuality. Such violation of personal boundaries can lead not only to conflict, but also to actions that can be summed up under the definition of “family violence”.
• Manipulation. Manipulators express their anger and frustration in the only way they can: they try to pressure others to make them feel guilty and ashamed. In this way, they try to get others to do what the manipulators themselves want.
• Negative attitude towards life and towards each other. In some families, everyone treats the others with some suspicion and distrust. They do not know what optimism is, and they usually have no sense of humor at all. Relatives have very few common interests and rarely find a common topic for conversation.
• Twisted relationships. It also happens that family members understand that something is going wrong, but they do not have the courage to try to change something and start acting in a new way. This creates great difficulties in relationships, households cannot feel free to develop as individuals. They prefer to live in the past because they cannot cope with negative changes in the present.
• social isolation. Most of the members of a psychologically unhealthy family are lonely. They are isolated from each other, and all their relationships develop (if they have not already lost the ability to develop interpersonal relationships) outside the family. Most often, this isolation affects children growing up in a family with unhealthy relationships. Sometimes antisocial behavior becomes characteristic for them, which ultimately leads to even greater personal isolation - in such a situation, even friends do not remain.
• Stress and psychosomatic illnesses. Unexpressed emotions can adversely affect health and cause psychosomatic illness. Such a person gradually loses energy and can no longer take care of the family, as before. As a rule, he himself does not even realize that he is unwell; It is not surprising that his relatives do not understand this either. They perceive his apathy as indifference to family problems, and this serves as an impetus for conflicts. But the real definition of these conflicts is a simple misunderstanding!

If you find in your relationship at least one of the above signs of impending trouble, then there is no need to panic; but to draw serious conclusions and try to fix the relationship is very much worth it! Prevention and resolution of family conflicts largely depend on your desire to find a common language with loved ones.

Although, in fairness, it must be said that one desire is still not enough. You also need to know how exactly you can resolve the conflict and establish healthy relationships. That's what we'll talk about now, given the different types of conflicts.

How can relationships develop

As we have already said, family conflicts between generations are possible when there is misunderstanding between different age groups and / or lack of respect, as a rule, among the younger in relation to the elders. It can be difficult for the younger generation to understand that the elders were also so young, that they contributed to society, and that although they have become less active due to their age, they are still smart and have a wealth of experience that can be useful to others.

The older generation may find it difficult to put up with the behavior of some young people. They see that young people now have more opportunities than they had in their time, and that the younger generation does not have the hardships that they once endured. Older people cannot understand that young people today face various problems related to the peculiarities of modern society, and cannot recognize that these problems are also very difficult in their own way.

But there are examples of generational conflicts that occur on other grounds. Some may be annoyed by the need to care for a sick elderly relative. They can love this person very much, but you have to constantly make some sacrifices in your life in order to fulfill this care. In addition, the elder relative himself may feel guilty and will consider himself a burden on his family. This can lead to depression and serve as an additional source of complications in relationships.

Aging often brings with it discrimination or prejudice against people of a certain age, and this is the main cause of conflict between generations.

Young grandparents

And here's another example for you: children of young parents grow up, create their own families, grandchildren are born. The birth of the first grandchildren usually takes many middle-aged people by surprise. They are not yet ready for a new role, because they live their own, full and active lives, and are still full of ambition. And daughters or sons, having created families and given birth to a child, suddenly realize that they were shackled hand and foot at the wrong time. They still need to study, they need to work, and youth takes its toll - they want to continue to communicate with friends, go to the cinema, run to dances, go on an excursion ...

And conflicts begin. Young people do not understand that the entire responsibility for raising a child lies only with them, it is hard for them to be locked in four walls. They also do not understand that grandparents are also full of energy, they have some plans of their own, and almost all “ancestors” still work at this age.

Another example is the exact opposite of the first. Grandmother reaches out to her grandchildren, but her daughter-in-law does not let her mess with them. All advice from the mother-in-law is rejected because the daughter-in-law does not agree with them. And this applies not only to children. Habits and rules in different families can differ even in small things, not to mention more important issues. But conflicts often begin with trifles ... Here's another example: the mother-in-law always served her son a bun smeared with butter for breakfast. And the young daughter-in-law, most likely, advocates a healthy diet, and therefore transferred her husband to yogurts. The mother-in-law will worry that the son remains hungry, and the daughter-in-law will be nervous that the mother-in-law spoils her husband's health. Discontent will accumulate, and one day it will develop into conflict.

How to solve these problems?

The coexistence of generations does not have any fixed rules, but a solution to the problem can still be found.

The most important thing on which the prevention and resolution of family conflicts between people of different ages is based is the ability and desire to find out different points of view, experiencing the situation, taking into account the interests of both parties.

How can we better understand each other if we are so different? How can we make others more sensitive to the situation? And how can we help people expand their understanding of youth and old age?

It all depends on the specific situation and the specific family. Here are the main "tools" with which you can fix a difficult situation:

• Problem identification;
• Clarification of the reason for the position taken and the manifestation of empathy (empathy);
• Taking measures to eliminate the conflict;
• Change of attitude to a similar situation: understanding the position of the opposing side eliminates possible conflicts in the future. Understanding is the best prevention of conflicts.

Children and conflict

These examples, of course, do not exhaust all possible variants of conflicts between generations. Growing children also often become a source of conflict. Only one transitional age - even in quite prosperous families - how many problems it brings with it! True, we will not consider the prevention of conflicts between parents and adolescents now, this is a separate issue. But we cannot say that any quarrel between parents has a strong adverse effect on the child.

Even if the child is very small and still does not understand anything from what adults say, he starts crying almost immediately after the parents start to quarrel.

Children perceive raised tones of parental conversation as a threat to their well-being.

Those older children are also very sensitive to the conflicts of their parents. And if the children themselves become the perpetrators of the conflict? If they were guilty, and they themselves have to be scolded and punished?

Of course, life is life, conflict can arise at any moment, and it is not always possible to protect our children from the negative effects of stress. And here the prevention of nervous diseases in children comes first. How, you ask? You have to learn how to fight properly. And children should also be scolded correctly.

This means that parents should not resort to humiliation and ridicule, in no case should they use profanity or allow physical violence, even if it is only a slap or a slap on the back of the head. It also means that rational arguments should be used during conflict. Parents should never forget that every minute children learn from them how to behave and communicate with other people, therefore, even in the moment of the greatest anger, you should not set a bad example for them.

In addition, after a quarrel with your offspring, you need to find an opportunity to reconcile with him, and you must definitely express your love for the child. Your child should feel that everything is fine, the crisis has passed, and he is still dear to you.

Settlement of family conflicts

Prevention, prevention and resolution of family conflicts depends on your attitude towards them. First of all, learn how to act correctly during a quarrel:

• Define the problem. Discuss it clearly and calmly with your family, paying attention to your tone and the words you choose to express your feelings;
• Discuss the identified problem;
• If the discussion heats up and starts to escalate into a fight, take a break so everyone can cool down and return to a calm discussion;
• Come up with a solution to the problem and collectively agree on it;
• Put your decision into practice. You must act on the decision in order for the conflict to be truly resolved.

Today, for some reason, family is not a priority. Business, success and money have become the number one goal for many. But we must pay attention to the most important thing in our life - our family and friends. Everything else can wait. Only then will a family conflict become a very rare "guest" in your home.

According to experts studying the family, the compatibility of marriage partners is not always achieved and usually not immediately (Kovalev S.V., Sysenko V.A.). Any, even the most private aspect of internal, deep incompatibility will inevitably manifest itself on the surface in the form of behavioral conflicts.

According to the definition of N. V. Grishina, a conflict is a bipolar phenomenon (confrontation of two principles), manifesting itself in the activity of the parties aimed at overcoming contradictions, and the parties are represented by an active subject (subjects).

Conflict- this is a common feature of social systems, it is inevitable and unavoidable, and therefore should be considered as a natural fragment of human life. Conflict can be accepted as one of the forms of normal human interaction. It does not always and everywhere lead to destruction; it is one of the main processes serving the preservation of the whole.

The value of conflicts is that they prevent the ossification of the system, open the way for innovation. Conflict is a stimulus for change, it is a challenge that requires a creative response. In a conflict, no doubt, there is a risk of destruction of relations, the danger of not overcoming the crisis, but there is also a favorable opportunity to reach a new level of relations, constructively overcome the crisis and gain new life opportunities.

Kovalev S.V. notes that happy families are distinguished not by the absence or low frequency of conflicts, but by their low depth and comparative painlessness and lack of consequences.

Types of conflicts.

In social psychology, an objective conflict situation, on the one hand, and its images among the participants in disagreements, on the other, are singled out as components of the conflict. In this regard, the American psychologist M. Deutsch proposed to consider the following types of conflicts:

1. A genuine conflict that exists objectively and is perceived adequately (the wife wants to use the spare room as a storage room, and the husband as a darkroom).
2. A random, or conditional, conflict that can be easily resolved, although this is not realized by its participants (the spouses do not notice that there is still a square).
3. Displaced conflict - when something completely different is hidden behind the “obvious” conflict (arguing over a free room, the spouses are actually in conflict over ideas about the role of a wife in the family).
4. An incorrectly attributed conflict is when, for example, a wife scolds her husband for what he did, following her own order, which she had already firmly forgotten about.
5. Latent (hidden) conflict. It is based on a contradiction unconscious by the spouses, which nevertheless objectively exists.
6. A false conflict that exists only because of the perception of the spouses, without objective reasons.

The real causes of the conflict are difficult to detect due to various psychological factors. First, in any conflict, the rational principle is usually hidden behind emotions. Secondly, the true causes of the conflict can be reliably hidden and psychologically protected in the depths of the subconscious and appear on the surface only in the form of motivations acceptable to the Self-concept. Thirdly, the causes of conflicts can be elusive due to the so-called law of circular causality (causation) of family relations, which also manifests itself in marital conflicts.

Causes of marital conflicts.

V. A. Sysenko (1981) divides the causes of all marital conflicts into three broad categories:

1. conflicts on the basis of unfair distribution of labor (different concepts of rights and obligations);
2. conflicts on the basis of dissatisfaction of any needs;
3. quarrels due to deficiencies in education.

Regarding the first reason, it should be noted that the main thing in the distribution of family responsibilities is precisely their consistency, as a result of which both traditional and egalitarian family models can be quite acceptable for family well-being if they satisfy both spouses. The search for this consistency can be fraught with conflict. Husband and wife may expect very different things from marriage and have different views of their family life. Moreover, the more these ideas do not coincide, the less stable the family is and the more dangerous situations arise in it. In such a case, one can speak of a mismatch of role expectations, a role conflict, or more generally, a conflict of ideas.

If family members understand their roles in different ways and present each other with inconsistent, rejected by others, expectations and corresponding requirements, the family is obviously incompatible and conflict. The behavior of each that meets his individual ideas about his family role will be considered by him as the only correct one, and the behavior of the other partner that does not meet these ideas, as incorrect and even malicious.

Closely connected with these expectations and ideas are the needs that spouses would like to satisfy in marriage. If the ideas do not match, then the needs are in mutual disagreement: we strive to satisfy not those needs that are relevant for another, and accordingly, we expect him to satisfy those of our needs that he is not going to satisfy. Such a disagreement turns first into a hidden, and then into an open behavioral conflict, when one of the spouses with his expectations and needs becomes an obstacle to satisfying the desires, intentions and interests of the other.

It is known that the family and marriage needs of men and women are very different (Harley W., 1994). Age differences in family and marital needs were also found: if at a young age (20-30 years) the emotional, sexual, spiritual side of relationships (sincerity and openness in communication) is most important for women, then in the interval of 30-40 and 40-50 years, along with on the communicative side, the husband's devotion to the family becomes more and more significant (the fulfillment of fatherly duties by a man in relation to children), and after 50 years - financial support from the husband and help around the house (Andreeva T. V., Pipchenko T. Yu.

Conflicts in the family are also affected by inadequate and conflicting family and marriage ideas and expectations. In the psychological literature, there are three main reasons for the discrepancy between the family and marriage ideas of young people (Kovalev S.V.).

The first reason is related to the fact that our ideas about marriage and the family are more and more refined, saturated with details, since the family is less and less consistent with the pattern of functioning that has developed over the centuries.

The previously existing scheme of transferring family experience from parents to children began to fail more and more often. Thus, according to a survey conducted in Estonia back in the mid-1970s, only 12% of the newlyweds were determined to fully follow the example of their parents in their relationships, about 60% are going to do this partially, and the rest see their family as completely different from the family of their parents. (quoted by: Kovalev S.V.).

The second reason is that family and marriage ideas are currently very far from ideal. Studies conducted in Vilnius have shown that these ideas are often limited to one aspect of life, predominantly domestic or sexual. It turned out that in most cases, the duties of the opposite gender were discussed in more detail. The greatest discrepancy between young men and women was revealed in the ideas of how to maintain good relations in the family. Representatives of the stronger sex saw their main task in her material support, forgetting about the moral and emotional support that a husband is obliged to provide to his wife. In contrast, the representatives of the weaker sex emphasized the importance of this support and discussed it in detail.

The third reason is that the conflict of ideas of young spouses can be aggravated and aggravated due to very poor knowledge of each other's ideas. This happens, firstly, because during the period of premarital courtship, they prefer to discuss any topic other than those that directly relate to family relationships. Secondly, the very short duration of this premarital courtship prevents them from clarifying each other's ideas.

In marital relationships, the role of marital communications, skills and culture of communication is very large (cited by: Kovalev S.V.). V. Satir (1992) drew attention to illusions and traps in communication, often leading to conflicts.

American researchers V. Mathews and K. Mikhanovich identify the 10 most important differences between happy and unhappy family unions. It turned out that in unhappy families, spouses:

1. do not think alike on many issues and problems;
2. poorly understand the feelings of another;
3. say words that irritate another;
4. often feel unloved;
5. do not pay attention to the other;
6. have an unsatisfied need for trust;
7. feel the need for a person who can be trusted;
8. rarely compliment each other;
9. often forced to yield to the opinion of another;
10. want more love.

S. V. Kovalev argues that a fairly limited set of purely psychological conditions is necessary for the happiness of a family:

• normal conflict-free communication;
• trust and empathy;
• understanding each other;
• normal intimate life;
• having a home.

V. A. Sysenko divides all relatively dysfunctional families into three types: conflict, crisis and problem families.

Conflict marital unions include those in which there are areas between spouses where their interests, needs, intentions and desires constantly clash, giving rise to particularly strong and prolonged negative emotions.

To crisis ones - those where the opposition of the interests and needs of the spouses is especially sharp and captures important areas of the family's life.

Troubled marital unions- who are faced with particularly difficult life situations that can cause a significant blow to the stability of marriage: lack of housing and a prolonged illness of one of the spouses, a long sentence, etc. However, the objective circumstances of the family's life affect its well-being only through their subjective assessment by the spouses. In special medical literature, there is the concept of "neurotic family", used to characterize a family in which one spouse or both suffer from certain neuroses, and the latter leave a very noticeable and significant imprint on marital relationships.

A. N. Kharitonov and G. N. Timchenko developed the author's concept of the essence (definition and signs) of the difficulties of family relations. According to the authors, difficult family relationships (family difficulties) are negative, destructive interpersonal relationships in the family, associated with the dissatisfaction of basic needs and requiring additional efforts of each family member and the entire family group on the path to achieving harmony, maturity and normal functioning.

Generalized sign of family difficulties expressed in dissatisfaction or fragmentary satisfaction with the basic needs of family members (or at least one spouse) in the process of communication difficulties, dissatisfaction with marriage, family life in general. The main single signs of a difficult relationship:

1. Insufficient psychophysiological compatibility of spouses, including sexual, negative or unclear perception of physical attractiveness, acceptability of family members to each other.
2. Insufficient personal maturity of parents, children (or only spouses) in accordance with gender, age, role in the family. Indicators of a personal indicator: the presence of intrapersonal conflicts, anxiety, immoderation, mental stress, symptoms of neurotic reactions, neuroses; behavioral difficulties, accentuated features; insufficient adequacy in the level of maturity of various personal spheres of a family member; incomplete adaptation in microsocial processes; difficulties in self-regulation of their states, feelings, behavior, etc.
3. Lack of mutual desire to meet the basic needs of the husband, wife, children on the part of the spouses-parents.
4. The prevailing presence in contacts sleeping within the family of negative, destructive emotions, feelings, along with the presence of positive, constructive emotions, feelings.
5. Cognitive mismatch in perception, understanding, coincidence of values ​​of spouses, parents and children.
6. Rigidity, conflict, competition, uncompromisingness, weak adaptability in the interpersonal behavior of family members.
7. Difficult search for methods, ways, types of solving various problems in the process of the family life cycle (Kharitonov A.N., Timchenko G.N.).

The perception of conflict situations in married life, first of all, depends on the personal qualities of each of the spouses. Difficulties in controlling one's own behavior also arise in situations of constant overwork. So, married working women in the home environment have inadequate reactions when they react sharply to the usual pranks or misconduct of children, husband's activities, etc.

Many conflicts can be chronic. Usually, chronic conflicts are associated with the socio-psychological attitudes of the individual, which develop throughout life. This may be a fundamental disapproval of some features of the lifestyle and behavior of a husband or wife. Behind chronic conflicts are unsatisfied needs and fundamental incompatibility of characters, socio-psychological attitudes, views, and life positions. They are characterized by depth and constancy. Most often, from the point of view of spouses, chronic conflicts are practically insoluble and almost always represent a dangerous situation for marriage (V. A. Sysenko).

Many authors associate conflicting relationships with behavior patterns in the parents' family. So, S. Kratochvil notes that an individual learns a male or female role to a large extent from his parents and tends to unconsciously use the model of parental relations in his family, regardless of whether he likes them or not. Conflicts in young families are associated with the difference in the rules that each of the spouses took out of their parental family. So, in some families it is customary to resolve conflicts immediately and emotionally, while in others it is rational and cold-blooded, having previously dispersed and calmed down. As a result, people learn different ways of resolving conflicts in their ancestral families and behave in the same way in their family, while each believes that he resolves the conflict correctly, and the other side does not. Each thinks the other is breaking the rules. The same applies to rules regarding housekeeping, financial expenses (to save money or spend immediately), raising children and many household trifles (Richardson R.W.). This also applies to the views adopted in pro-families regarding the priorities of household chores (ideal order, comfort, cooking) or the upbringing of children, their development, activities with children, their education. Many authors noted greater stability and lack of conflict in families formed by partners from similar distribution of power, duties, and, in general, the lifestyle and values ​​of families (Kratochvil S). This can also partly explain the great stability of families formed by "natives" from the village, noticed by many authors: in many aspects of everyday life (who should do what, how to run the household, what is important and what is not).

Tactics for resolving marital conflicts

Speaking about the resolution of marital conflicts, V. A. Sysenko believes that it is necessary:

• maintain a sense of personal dignity of husband and wife;
• constantly demonstrate mutual respect and reverence;
• try to arouse enthusiasm in the other spouse, restrain and pacify manifestations of anger, anger, irritability and nervousness;
• do not focus on the mistakes and miscalculations of your life partner;
• do not blame the past in general and past mistakes in particular;
• a joke or any distraction to remove or suspend the growing mental stress;
• resolve emerging conflicts by diverting to other safe topics;
• do not torment yourself and your partner with suspicions of infidelity and treason, restrain yourself in manifestations of jealousy, muffling the suspicions that have arisen;
• remember that in marriage and family, the manifestation of extreme patience, condescension, kindness, attention and other positive qualities is necessary.

With regard to family conflicts, it is useful to listen to the recommendations of specialists in conflictology and interpersonal communication training. Destructive tactics (ignoring, belittling the partner's personality, egocentrism) should be avoided and positive ones should be used. For example, to use the so-called active listening in interpersonal relationships - a system of actions that help the listener focus on the partner, activate the partner's self-expression, perceive and understand what was said (and not said by him). Very relevant in family and marriage relations is the use of emphasizing the importance of a partner (statements conveying to the partner messages that his contribution is valued, respected, grateful to him, admired by him), as well as emphasizing commonality with a partner (statements stating the similarity between the speaker and his partner, common features, common positions, experiences, experience, etc.).

Dean Delis, an American family therapist, demonstrates an interesting approach to conflict resolution. In his opinion, conflicts caused by the so-called "imbalance of objective circumstances" are the easiest to correct. By this term, he understands tense situations that droop in families that find themselves in stressful situations, which D. Delis understands in a broad sense. This includes any changes, such as a move, the birth of a child, a wedding, changes in professional status, an accident, a teenage rebellion, etc. The author refers to the tactics of resolving the imbalance of objective circumstances as follows: first, one should blame the situation, not each other ( that is, it is necessary to realize the regularity of the changes in relations themselves); secondly, you should empathize with your spouse (try to take his position and express understanding of his difficulties); thirdly, one should agree on the restoration of balance, avoiding indefinite sincerity. It is necessary to draw up concrete and effective short-term and long-term plans for joint change in the situation that has arisen. D. Delis believes that there is always a way to improve a bad situation if the partners take responsibility for finding the best way out and at the same time use the tactics of non-accusatory communication.

Structured family therapy techniques: “Memories” (with memories it is revealed that a person is worried at the moment), “Family photos” (family structure, role behavior, etc.), “Family puppet interview” (the story played is associated with conflicts in family), “Draw a Dream” (good for kids), etc. Sociometric techniques: “Family Sculpture” (family members show intra-family relationships by depicting a sculpture), “Family choreography” (family scene without words), etc. Behavioral techniques: "Matrimonial Conference" and "Family Council", etc.