When you have the support of a loved one. What do you need to say to support a man? Helping people in difficult situations

Tim Lawrence, a psychotherapist and journalist, wrote an article in which he talks about how you can really help a person experiencing grief. He warns that with common phrases that are customary to say for support, you need to be more careful - they can hurt even more.

We publish an article by Tim, who himself experienced the loss of loved ones in young age and knows what we really need in difficult times.

I listen to a friend of mine who is a psychotherapist talk about his patient. The woman had a terrible accident, she is constantly in pain and her limbs are paralyzed. I've heard this story ten times already, but one thing shocks me every time. He told the poor man that the tragedy had led to positive changes in her life.

“Everything in life does not happen by chance,” these are his words. It amazes me how deeply ingrained this banality is even among psychotherapists. These words hurt and hurt severely. He means that the incident makes the woman grow spiritually. And I think it's complete nonsense. The accident ruined her life and destroyed her dreams - that's what happened and there is absolutely nothing good about it.

Most importantly, such an attitude prevents us from doing the only thing we should do when we are in trouble - to grieve. My teacher Megan Devine says it well: “Some things in life cannot be fixed. It can only be experienced".

We do not only grieve when someone close to us dies. We mourn when loved ones leave, when hopes are dashed, when serious illness. It is impossible to correct the loss of a child and the betrayal of a loved one - this can only be experienced.

If trouble has befallen you, and someone tells you the following worn out phrases: “everything that does not happen is for the better”, “it will make you better and stronger”, “it was predetermined”, “nothing happens just like that”, “you need to take responsibility for your life”, “everything will be fine” - you can safely delete this person from your life.

When we say such words to our friends and family, even with best intentions, we deny them the right to mourn, sadness and sadness. I myself experienced a huge loss, and every day I am haunted by guilt for the fact that I am still alive, and my loved ones are no more. My pain didn't go away, I just learned how to channel it into right direction working with patients and better understand them.

But under no circumstances would it occur to me to say that this tragedy was a gift of fate that helped me grow spiritually and professionally. To say this is to trample on the memory of loved ones I lost too soon, and those who faced similar adversity but couldn't get over it. And I'm not going to pretend that it was easy for me because I'm strong, or that I became "successful" because I was able to "take charge of my life."

Modern culture treats grief as a problem that needs to be fixed, or as a disease that needs to be treated. We do everything to drown out, displace our pain or somehow transform it. And when you suddenly encounter adversity, the people around you turn into walking platitudes.

So what to say to friends and relatives who are in trouble, instead of "everything in life is not accidental"? The last thing a person crushed by misfortune needs is advice or guidance. The most important thing- understanding.

Say literally the following: “I know that you are in pain. I am here with you".

This means that you are ready to be near and suffer with a loved one - and this is an incredibly powerful support.

For people there is nothing more important than understanding. It does not require any special skills and training, it is just the willingness to be there and stay there for as long as it takes.

Be there. Just be there, even when you feel uncomfortable or don't seem to be doing anything useful. In fact, just when you feel uncomfortable, you should make an effort on yourself and stay close.

“I know you are in pain. I'm near".

We so rarely allow ourselves to enter this gray zone - the zone of horror and pain - but it is there that the roots of our healing lie. It starts when there are people ready to go there with us.

I ask you to do this for your loved ones. You may never know about it, but your help will be invaluable. And if you ever get into trouble, find someone who is ready to be there. I guarantee he will be found.

Everyone else can go.

All women are very sensitive, so even a minor turmoil can upset them. At this moment, support is important for girls, especially if it comes from a loved one. How to support a girl when she feels bad?

There are two ways to support a girl in Hard time. The first is moral support, that is, words. The second involves actions that allow a woman to feel the care and protection of a loved one. If everything is done correctly, then you can achieve a quick change in the mood of your chosen one.

• Seeing that the girl is upset about something, it is imperative to find out the reason for this. If a woman wants to tell, then you just need to listen to her, without interrupting, but simply nodding your head. Personal opinion should be kept to yourself. If the girl does not want to tell anything, then in no case should she be forced. You just need to let her cry and be there.
• Do not try to impose your solutions to this problem, to advise something. This is especially true in situations where the solution is complex. Otherwise, the girl will be even more upset, thinking that there is no way out.
• It is necessary to empathize, but only positive emotions should come from a young man. This moment is very important. A woman needs to be set up positive development events in the future that everything will change for the better. Thus, the girl herself will soon believe that everything will be fine.
• Whatever the problem, no matter how small, should not be underestimated. Therefore, such phrases as “it doesn’t matter at all”, “yes, it happened to me a hundred times and nothing” is not suitable. Otherwise, the woman will think that the beloved person does not perceive her problem in any way and it will seem to her that he is simply mocking. And that will create even more frustration.
• Humor is one of the most important components of human life. But it should always be appropriate. If the girl is upset, then you can try to make her laugh, distract her from her problems with an entertaining and comic story. At the same time, you don’t have to be afraid to look ridiculous and ridiculous. You can sing funny song. Even if the guy does not have a voice, it will only be a plus. If the cause of the experience was some certain person who offended her, then you can try to talk about him in a humorous tone.

Support with words through real communication or correspondence is only the first stage, then physical contact is necessary. It involves light touches, hugs. But in no case should you brazenly pester, this will not only not calm your beloved, but can also destroy relationships.

When a person hugs or touches another, the latter releases oxytocin. This is the name of the hormone, due to which the feeling of interconnection, affection, trust and intimacy increases. You can just hold the girl's hands, stroke her palm, put your hand on her shoulder. These actions will be enough.

You can also cheer up a girl by going to the cinema, bowling or some other entertaining place. Well, if you come up with something truly unusual, romantic for a woman. This will allow you to pleasantly surprise your beloved and distract from resentment.

What should be careful?

The main goal of a man is to support the girl, show her his care, love, protection. Therefore, it is important not to "go too far", but to act very carefully. You have to be careful with jokes. If it is clear that they do not affect the girl, then it is better to stop doing this.

Women always appreciate all the efforts of men to console them, but not every girl loves it, preferring to be alone in difficult moments of life. If a guy sees that she wants to be alone, or a woman speaks so directly about it, then you should leave her. But you don’t need to go far, because she must feel something loved nearby and she can speak out to him at any moment.

• When talking with a chosen one, you must be sincere, patient, kind. Don't ask her to smile or she might get angry. Therefore, you should try to make her smile not at the request, but thanks to a joke, nice compliment, good news.
• In no case should a man molest an upset woman, climb with kisses and other intimate things. In difficult times, the girl wants to be understood, surrounded by care, and not molested.
• You can not ignore your beloved in view of the insignificance of her problem. She must know that the young man supports her, whatever the situation.

How to cheer up a sick girl?

Illness is unpleasant phenomenon which every person faces more than once in his life. For the fair sex, it is perceived badly, because even common cold worsens appearance that they treasure so much. At this point, women usually do not want to be seen by a loved one, especially if the relationship is still developing.

In this case in a good way for men, there will be compliments to cheer up a sick girl. She needs to do it often. Nose nice words also need to be careful. The compliment should express a comparison of the convalescent state with the sick.

For example, you should not just say to the sick woman: “What are your beautiful eyes”, and should be paraphrased as follows: “Today your eyes radiate notes of a healthy princess.” You can also apply such compliments to a man: “Every day your cheeks are getting rosier”, “You may look tired, but you are still the most beautiful girl in the world"

If a loved one is ill with some serious pathology, then young man You can't show her your feelings. When she is sick, it is necessary to behave positively, set the young lady in the same way, make her believe that everything will be fine.

Throughout the difficult time, the girl should not feel alone for a second. It is important to surround her with care, love, always be there, show how dear and loved she is. All problems come to an end, it is worth understanding and not dwelling on the unpleasant moments of life.

And strangers. If there was no hope for help and mutual assistance, it would be difficult for people in difficult times to cope with their problems, they would not be able to survive it on their own. Not everyone can pick the right words that help show compassion. However, only your presence will replace all phrases prepared in advance.

The right words in difficult times

How to support a person with words if there is no opportunity to see him? You can advise and show mutual support by phone. The most important thing is that the support should not be fake, but sound very sincere. You can ask if you need any help. The inadequate emotional state of a person who has something happened does not always give him the opportunity to adequately evaluate everything that is told to him. IN this case important in the voice is the intonation and rhythm of the voice, while exerting on it hypnotic effect and comforting him.

They support not only words in difficult times, but also the very readiness to provide assistance and protection. Only the fact that you will be with a person next to him will add strength and a little confidence to him.

What words to support a person? There are several phrases that are customary to say in such situations: “I sympathize”, “Time heals wounds”, “I am very sorry”, “Over time, everything will calm down, everything will pass” and many others. But if a person does not feel sincerity during the sounding of these phrases, then they will not have any positive effect on him.

Choose your words carefully

Before you say something, think carefully, put yourself in the place of that person. To comfort you in this situation? It is necessary to interest him, “hook” for a wonderful future, tell him about what kind of person is waiting for changes and new good situations. Every woman, if separated from her husband after a long joint years, feels oppression, and that life is cut short. She does not see anything good in the future. And ordinary support will not help her, you should apply a special plan that will help you get out of the situation.

The phrase “Calm down, get together, everything will pass” is not worth saying, since there is no specific future in it. You can talk about the fact that at this age life is just beginning, what lies ahead good moments. At forty or fifty, with a rich life experience it is easier to find a life partner with whom you can create a strong and reliable family. Offer to go shopping, take a look at a beauty salon while shopping, restore beauty so that the abandoned wife feels like a princess again.

If a person's loved one has died, stay close to him, help organize the funeral. Very often they help a person to bring out of despair tasks and issues that need to be urgently resolved. Say that a friend's relatives need support. If you play the role of comforter, the friend himself will provide support and think about responsibility for his family.

Sympathy, indifference, empathy - these are invaluable skills inherent in the world of people.

The ability to support a person in a difficult moment makes us closer and better: it is important for both - both for the one who suffers and for the one who extends a helping hand to him. But not everyone knows how, with what words and actions to support another.

Support in action

Think about it: sometimes two words spoken at the right time can save a life. Behind a beautiful and strong facade self-sufficient personality a deep depression may be hiding, leading to terrible decisions.

Many people around you stand on the edge of the abyss and need compassion, but they are silent about it. To see someone else's misfortune, to pat on the back, to convince a colleague or friend that everything will work out is a great skill.

But it is not enough just to notice the problem, it is important to say the right words. What can they be?

1. "How can I help you?" This phrase is suitable for active, but not particularly sentimental altruists. Demonstrate your readiness to get involved in the battle for a comrade, dig headlong into his problem and together, shoulder to shoulder, resolve the issue.

Perhaps your help will not be needed, but the desire will be appreciated and will instill optimism in a person.

Support in practice - very actual thing. You can bring groceries to a heartbroken friend's house, help her with cleaning, pick up her son from kindergarten while she cleans up.

Surrounding your loved one with care, you will show that he is not alone and is loved.

In difficult situations (during the funeral of loved ones, long-term treatment relatives, knocking out free medicines), The best way support a person - take on some of the organizational issues.

You can call relatives, consult lawyers, make copies of documents, order tickets, and the like.

2. "What could cheer you up?". Take an interest in what things bring pleasure to a person, suggest pleasant thoughts, distract from problems.

A bucket of ripe strawberries, going to a petting zoo, eating a huge pizza, going to an amusement park, buying a new dress... People scoop positive energy in the most unexpected things.

3. "Do you want me to stay by your side?", “Maybe I should stay here today?”. It is harmful for a person in trouble to be alone with negative thoughts and depression. It is not necessary to sit and grind the problem in words - it is enough just to be in the next room, nearby.

4. "Everything goes and it is also". King Solomon was wise and rightly valued this slogan. Everything ends, both good and bad. Times change and bring change with them. Convince the person that you need to endure quite a bit - the finale will come anyway.

5. "What worries you the most?". Learn about true reasons sadness is useful - it gives the grieving a chance to speak out and at the same time delve into himself, setting priorities and placing accents.

It may turn out that the official reason for depression is just a cover for more deep complexes and suffering.

For example, your girlfriend is worried that she was fired. It looks like she is crying because of the financial hole she has fallen into, but in fact, low self-esteem, fear of the new, feeling like a mediocre and stupid employee who nobody needs speaks in her.

Understanding the causes of depression is the key to selection right words for support.

6. Instead of a thousand words - silence. Be silent, hug tightly and carefully listen to the confession of the suffering. Listening skills - at least valuable gift than communication.

How not to support in difficult times

Sometimes silence is golden. Especially in those moments when forbidden words and emotions are ready to fly off the lips.

What not to say, does your friend have grief?

1. " I feel so sorry for you!» Pity does not mean sympathy.

In general, self-pity is the last thing a sick, abandoned or fired person wants to feel. It is much better to radiate a positive attitude.

2. " Yes, everything will be fine tomorrow!" If you are not aware of the situation, do not express false-optimistic expectations.

It is difficult for a terminally ill person to hear your conviction that he will "definitely get better." In this case, it is worth looking for other words of support.

3. " I was fired twenty times, but I didn’t kill myself like that". Your experience is certainly invaluable, but a depressed person seems to be in a unique situation. In addition, there are no guarantees that you really got identical problems, and everyone has a special perception of reality.

4. " I feel bad too, my leg hurts, my neck is puffed up". You should not complain in response - after all, you came to support, and not pull the blanket over yourself.

A person in trouble has one consolation - to be in the center of attention, to be surrounded by care. Yes, and it looks ridiculous when you come to a person who has recently lost a loved one and complain about a cough.

With the support of a friend, lover or relative, it is important to be there even in the most difficult emotional periods.

People in grief are aggressive, blinded by rage, offended by the whole world, grouchy and critical.

Being in the same room with them difficult task but this is how the true closeness of souls is manifested and confirmed.

To begin with, understand and accept one thing: even though you have known each other for a long time and you know a person as flaky, now this does not mean at all that his behavior will meet your expectations. “There are certain general stages of grief. You may well be guided by them, remembering, of course, that each of us still needs individual approach”, explains psychologist Marianna Volkova.

Our experts:

Anna Shishkovskaya
Psychologist at the Nina Rubshtein Gestalt Center

Marianna Volkova
Practicing psychologist, specialist in family and individual psychology

How to support a person if he is in shock

Stage #1: usually a person is in complete shock, confusion and simply cannot believe in the reality of what is happening.

What should I say. If you are really close friends, it is best for you to be there without relying on the phone, Skype or SMS. For some people it's very important tactile contact, the ability to see the interlocutor in front of you live. “At this time, conversations and attempts to express condolences are not needed,” Marianna Volkova is sure. - None. Therefore, if your friend asks you to be around and at the same time refuses to communicate, do not try to talk to him. Contrary to your expectations, it will not get easier for him. It is worth talking about what happened only when the loved one is ready for this. In the meantime, you can hug, sit next to me, hold your hand, stroke your head, bring tea with lemon. All conversations are strictly on business or on abstract topics.

What to do. A loss native person, sudden terrible diseases and other strokes of fate involve not only reflection, but also many worries. Don't think that giving this kind of help is easy. It requires a lot of emotional return and is very exhausting. How to support a person in such a situation? First, ask how you can be of help. A lot depends on what state your friend is in. You may have to take over organizational matters: call, find out, negotiate. Or give the unfortunate a sedative. Or wait with him in the doctor's waiting room. But, as a rule, it is enough to at least deal with everyday issues: put things in order, wash the dishes, cook food.

How to support a person if he is acutely worried

Stage #2: accompanied by acute feelings, resentment, misunderstanding and even aggression.

What to do. It is clear that it is difficult to communicate at this moment. But right now, a friend needs attention and support. Try to come more often, be in touch if he is left alone. You can invite him to visit for a while. It is important to clearly understand whether you are mentally ready for this.

Words of condolence

“Most people, when expressing condolences, use conventional phrases that do not carry any meaning. Actually, this is a courtesy and nothing more. But when it comes to a loved one, you need something more than a formality. There is, of course, no one-size-fits-all template. But there are things that definitely shouldn’t be said,” says Marianna Volkova.

1. If you don't know what to say, shut up. Better hug once again, show that you are there and ready to help at any moment.
2. Avoid expressions like "everything will be fine", "everything will pass" and "life goes on". You seem to promise good things, but only in the future, not now. Such conversations are annoying.
3. Try not to ask unnecessary questions. The only appropriate in this situation: "How can I help?" Everything else will have to wait.
4. Never say words that might devalue what happened. “And someone can’t walk at all!” - this is not a consolation, but a mockery for a person who has lost, say, an arm.
5. If your goal is to help a friend moral support First of all, you yourself must be stoic. Sobbing, lamenting and talking about the injustice of life is unlikely to calm.

How to support a person if he is depressed

Stage #3: at this time, a realization of what happened comes to a person. Expect depression from a friend and depression. But there is good news: he begins to understand that he needs to somehow move on.

What should I say. We are all different, so the best thing you can do is ask what it is. close person waiting for you.

1. Some people need to talk about what happened.“There are people who difficult situation it is vital to speak out loud your emotions, fears and experiences. A friend does not need condolences, your task is to listen. You can cry or laugh with him, but it’s not worth giving advice and putting in your five cents in every possible way, ”advises Marianna Volkova.
2. Some people need a distraction to get over grief. You are required to talk on extraneous topics, to involve a person in solving some issues. Invent urgent matters that require full concentration of attention and constant employment. Do everything so that your friend has no time to think about what he is trying to escape from.
3. There are people who are in difficult life situations prefer loneliness - so it is easier for them to cope with their emotions. If a friend tells you that they don't want any contact yet, the worst thing you can do is try to get into his soul with the best of intentions. Simply put, forcibly "do good." Leave the person alone, but be sure to make it clear that you are there and ready to provide all possible assistance at any time.

What to do.

1. In the first case, help of a domestic nature is often required, especially if your loved one is not one of those who easily negotiates, communicates and can easily choose the best of several proposed options.
2. You have to help your friend step back a little from what happened. If you are connected by work issues, you can carry out distracting maneuvers in this direction. A good option- sports. The main thing is not to torture yourself and his grueling workouts, but choose what you like. You can go to the pool, to the court or to yoga together. The goal is to try to have fun.
3. In the third case, you only need what you are asked for. Don't insist on anything. Invite “to go out and unwind” (what if he agrees?), but always leave the choice to the person and do not be intrusive.

How to support a person when he has already experienced grief

Stage #4: This is a period of adaptation. You could say rehab.

What should I say. It was at this time that a person re-establishes contacts, communication with others gradually takes on its usual form. Now a friend may need parties, travel, and other trappings of a mourning-free life.

What to do. “If your friend is quite ready to communicate, you don’t need to try to somehow “correctly” behave in his company. Do not try to forcefully cheer, shake and bring to life. At the same time, one should not avoid direct looks, sit with sour face. The more habitually you adjust the atmosphere, the easier it will be for a person,” Marianna Volkova is sure.

Visit to a psychologist

Whatever stage a person is in, friends sometimes try to provide help they don't need. For example, forcibly send to a psychologist. Here you have to be especially careful, because sometimes it is necessary, and sometimes it is completely unnecessary.

“Experiencing trouble, sadness is a natural process that, as a rule, does not need professional help, - says psychologist Anna Shishkovskaya. – There is even a term “work of grief”, the healing effect of which is possible provided that a person allows himself to go through all the stages. However, this is precisely what becomes a problem for many: to allow yourself to feel, to meet experiences. If we try to “run away” from strong, unpleasant emotions, to ignore them, the “work of grief” is disrupted, “getting stuck” at any of the stages can occur. That’s when the help of a psychologist is really needed.”

Support cons

The tragedy experienced sometimes gives people a reason to manipulate others. This, of course, is not about the first, most difficult period. But you may be required to be present for long periods of time. Your personal life, work, desires will not be taken into account. Let's say you invited a friend to stay with you for a while - a fairly common practice. But all the agreed terms have long passed, and the person continues to visit. You are silent, because it is impolite to talk about inconveniences, but spoiled relationships will be a natural result.

No less important is financial question. Happens, time is running, everything that was needed has been done, and the need for investment does not disappear. And you, by inertia, continue to give money, afraid to refuse. " I noticed that you are starting to sacrifice yourself and your interests, which means there is a reason to talk and clarify the situation,” recalls Anna Shishkovskaya. - Otherwise, the accumulated resentment and indignation will one day provoke a serious conflict with mutual claims. It would be nice not to lead to a scandal, but to mark the boundaries in time.

Personal dramas are just one of those troubles in which friends are known. And your behavior during this period will certainly affect your relationship in one way or another. Therefore, it is worth rushing to help only if you sincerely want it.