Why children shouldn't sleep with their parents. Stable mental health of the child

Recently a woman approached me and asked a question: Is it normal for an 8 year old child to sleep with his mother?

We talked to her and it turned out that the situation was like this.
The woman talked about ex-wife her husband and was perplexed when she learned that her husband's 8-year-old child continued to sleep with his mother. Talked a little about the past. That mother divorced the child’s father after 15 years of marriage (the reason for the divorce is a separate story) and was left with two children. IN in this case we'll talk about my youngest, 8-year-old son. From birth he slept with his mother and she did not want to put him in her crib, she kept delaying this question, because she felt so good sleeping next to him. When they asked her when she would give him separate bed, Mom answered that he was still small, he didn’t want to, he was afraid to sleep alone.

Since my mother did not contact me directly, I could not communicate with her. But I would like to think a little about the situation itself. I think the thoughts will be useful to those parents who have started using or have been continuing coslipping (co-sleeping) for a long time. Where is the norm here, and where is it worth taking specific actions to sleep separately?

I'll start from afar. Before us is a newborn.

Look at him. He is helpless in front of the whole world and he needs only one thing - a loving and calm mother who can take care of him, feed him on time, lull him to sleep, change clothes, bathe him, etc.
Here sleep is closely intertwined with feeding. That's just how babies are made. His stomach capacity is too small to sleep for a long time without food. So he wakes up often to eat. Then he falls asleep. With this regime, it is critically important for the mother to be near him. And here sleeping together helps both to rest in safety, and for the mother to feed the baby without straining. And if there are difficulties with feeding, then “nesting” is even recommended for mother and baby - staying together with each other and the baby having free access to the breast for a certain time until breastfeeding improves.

But now time passes - baby is 5-6 months old. During this period, most often, mother and child have already adapted to each other, established a routine, sleep and feeding. The baby is more awake and sleeps longer without waking up. And although the connection with the mother is still very strong, the baby is able to be distracted for a while by toys or sleep in his crib while the mother is busy with household chores nearby.

Time is running out. Recent The baby is already a year...one and a half years old. He is active, expends a lot of energy, has many new developments behind him, and new achievements ahead. He is completely different from that cute little bag lying across the bed, flapping his little eyes. This is a little man already crawling, getting to his feet, who is about to run, scream with delight, and jump on one leg! He comes up with funny phrases and even whole words from previously known ones. And he can sleep either together with his parents, during the period of a surge in neoplasms that can disrupt the usual nighttime routine, or separately, when routine and sleep are restored.

So, month after month, a miracle happens before your eyes! Helpless just yesterday, the baby is becoming more and more independent and big! 2 years... 3 years... How everything should change in the attitude towards him on the part of his mother, father and other relatives! They no longer babysit with him, but speak in normal language. They no longer cradle him in their arms like a baby, because... oh, cough... cough... the guy is a bit heavy... (girl), but they gently put him in a crib, they say good fairy tales, tuck the blanket in, kiss and say goodbye until the next morning.

It is difficult to comprehend what a huge path a child goes through in this independence! And the happier he will be, the before parents will understand that a lot depends on them: will they create an appropriate developmental environment for him, conducive to the development of new skills, or will they, in blind love, stifle in the very bud the natural impulse to conquer the unknown, to become one step stronger, smarter, bolder and more independent?

Of course, any parent dreams of being proud and happy for their child! But when performing this or that action, making certain decisions in relation to your son or daughter, think about what their consequences and echoes will be in the future? And how will it affect children?

Do they become calm and self-sufficient or anxious and dependent on us?

That mother from the story above, who was unable to separate the child into her bed in time, can hold on to a variety of excuses: “he is small and afraid”, “he is bored alone”, “I am in close unity with him”, “we hug, he it’s so nice and I feel good”... in fact, she doesn’t want to change anything, because it’s easier for her. With this attitude towards her son, she involuntarily programs his future. And taking into account her complex personal life, it becomes clear how she runs the risk of psychologically replacing her departed husband with her son.
There is one big BUT here. So what is next? How will events develop and how will they end? It's impossible to predict. It's good if it's a story with almost happy ending, as it happened with one of my school friends.

From a friend's story:

“I was already 10 years old when my mother once told me: “It’s time, daughter, for you to sleep alone in your crib.” I was offended, I thought that my mother stopped loving me, because before that we slept together and I thought that this was how it should be. The first night I cried. I was scared, I felt like there was a vacuum around me. I closed my eyes to quickly fall asleep. But then gradually I got used to my bed and my room. I know one thing for sure: if I had my own crib as a child, I would not have known such fear.”

This friend slept with her mother for so long because they lived in a cramped dorm room with only room for a double bed and a closet. Three people slept on this bed: dad, mom and daughter (this friend). And then they were given an apartment and the girl had her own room for the first time. Her shock was understandable. We can say that she learned to fall asleep in her bed “from scratch,” since she had no such experience before.

Many more examples can be given from practice. Then it will be a very long article. But I still want to end it with the words:

In raising children (not just in terms of sleep) everything is good to do on time, especially since the development of a child presupposes such sensitive (favorable) periods. Then, with tension and difficulty, correct what was missed.

By the way, on this topic I have methodology: " " . It will be useful to you if your child is 2.5-3 years old or older, and he still sleeps with you. You can see the contents in more detail and place an order.

When he's very little

Falling asleep in the same bed with the baby is very convenient for a new mother, because it is easier to breastfeed, for example, it is easier to get enough sleep on your own, automatically continuing to stroke the baby’s back or head while half asleep. It is natural for a baby to be so close to his mother, because for 9 months he listened to his mother’s breathing, heartbeat, and her soothing voice. And it’s quite normal that the baby needs these sounds and sensations that are familiar to him.

Let’s not now remember the horror stories about when a mother crushed her child in her sleep, these are exceptional cases. As a rule, parents' sleep in the first months after the birth of the baby is very sensitive. But the rule changes if the mother took sleeping pills or alcohol before bed, which dull sensitivity.

Many psychologists are categorical in their judgments - it is necessary to teach your child to fall asleep in his crib as early as possible, otherwise you will regret it! Just like that. They threaten that, each time clinging to the mother, the child will not learn to cope with the difficulties that arise. However, there is no need to uproot, everything happens gradually. The best solution is to place the baby crib close to the adult one and remove the side. So the baby seems to be close to his mother, and at the same time on his own territory. The crib should be gradually moved further and further, while monitoring the child’s reaction. It is assumed that one day the day will come when the constant presence of the mother will no longer be required. It will be enough to kiss the top of the child's head before bed and, perhaps, sing a lullaby.

When he gets older

By the age of 3, as a rule, the child develops a need for independence; sometimes this period begins earlier. And it’s just great if one of the baby’s own decisions is the decision to sleep separately from his parents. Don't interfere! Better buy him a bed, even if he chooses it in the store himself, sew a new one bed sheets. And at home you can play out the ceremonial move into a new “adult” bed. Hang pictures or posters of your favorite cartoon characters on the wall nearby.

If a child is afraid of the dark, a good helper will become a night light, regular or projecting images onto a wall or ceiling. And drawn curtains will create additional comfort and a feeling of protection from what is happening outside the window. If fear is caused by “monsters living under the bed,” then a “magic” ritual that is guaranteed to drive away all monsters will help: a pinch of magic powder ( powdered sugar, powder), sprayed over the bed, magic elixir (water with diluted essential oil lavender, mint or vanilla) sprinkled around sleeping place. A good option- a bed, the walls of which reach the floor on all sides. This way the monsters will have nowhere to hide.

The child feels comfortable next to his mother. But a feeling of comfort can be achieved in other ways. A favorite toy will become a reliable sleep guard if you first tell your baby how well toys can do this. Living pets - a dog or a cat - also successfully perform this function, if you find a way to keep them within the children's bedroom for at least an hour.

If the baby fell asleep, but returned to his parents’ bed in the middle of the night, return him to his place. Just find out first why the child woke up - because bad sleep because he wanted to drink or relieve his natural needs. If something frightens him in the room, turn on the light, show him that it is actually a shadow from a chair or big toys. Put him in his crib, calm him down, sit with him until he falls asleep. And so every time. Yes, this requires patience, but the baby will know that mom cares, mom will always understand and protect him.

When he's all grown up

The problem of falling asleep affects not only babies, but also children over 7 years old, and sometimes adults. Psychologists agree that the whole problem here is fear. A specialist will help identify their causes. But you can also help your child isolate himself from unwanted frightening factors at home.

• For example, you should not hang mirror opposite the bed. And the point is not mysticism, but the fact that the mirror reflects any movement that in the dark can take on frightening forms.
• It is not recommended to cover the walls of the nursery with wallpaper that is too dark. With the lights off, the room will seem like one continuous, bottomless darkness.
• Should limit large areas of darkness– close the windows, the door to the corridor, especially if the bed is opposite it.
• By itself, no horror movies at night. The wild imagination of an impressionable child will see in every object a creepy image from the film.
• Perhaps complete silence also brings discomfort when the child is left alone in the dark. Leave the TV on, but turn down the volume and set a timer so it turns off after a while.

What will help before bed

Mode. It is very important for children. Let this not be a soldier's drill, but compliance with certain established rules. Believe me, everyone will be calmer this way: children - because it is easier for them to follow an established ritual than to quickly adapt to changes; parents - because it’s easier to do this children's ritual how to calm a hysteria offended baby. It is better to go to bed at the same time, following a certain procedure. This relaxes the child and puts him in the mood for sleep.

Sweets It should not be given to children before bedtime. Sugar excites you, but in the evening there is absolutely no need for it.

Tea and other tonic drinks in the evening are not recommended for children. Not only will you spend a long time trying to calm your child down, but you should also not forget that tea provokes physiological needs body and will make your baby wake up frequently. It is better to replace tea with chamomile infusion.

And here glass of warm milk a couple of hours before bedtime will be very helpful. Milk calms the nervous system and prepares the body for rest. Just use it without cookies and buns.

An hour before bedtime should not be no noisy games. It is advisable to turn off the TV. Reading books with a not too exciting plot - the best choice. And conversations and discussion of the day will even be useful for the child.

Some children find it difficult to calm down before bed, in this case a light massage. Start with a foot massage (provided that the child is not afraid of tickling), then move on to the back, arms, shoulders, head, and finally lightly rub over the forehead, cheeks and chin.

Many children like audio tales. Just choose recordings that are narrated in a pleasant, calm voice, without harsh sounds or too loud music.

Don't expect a miracle to happen. Getting used to falling asleep on your own is an educational moment, which consists of developing a habit, and this is not quick. Remember that persistence is key here, and all adult family members must act together. Of course, there is no need to slam the door and leave the child alone with his fears, risking creating a situation where only a specialist will be able to help. But also give yourself some slack, repeating every evening “ Last time, and tomorrow you’ll sleep on your own,” it’s also not worth it. But with small steps and gradual habituation, you can achieve success and wean your child from just running into his parents’ bed.

Laying without tears

Get used to your bed

Stop sleeping with your parents

Now many parents practice co-sleeping with their baby, especially in the first months of the baby’s life. This method of positioning not only makes it easier for mother to feed at night, but also has other advantages. Are there any disadvantages to sleeping a baby next to their parents and how easy is it to wean a child from the habit of sleeping in his parents’ bed?

Benefits for the baby

• The baby falls asleep faster and sleeps more peacefully, hearing his mother's heartbeat and feeling the warmth of his parents. In such an environment he feels safe and protected.
• The baby does not have to leave her parents for sleep, which is stressful for many children.
• The newborn's breathing, as well as his heartbeat, become more rhythmic when near his parents. In addition, carbon dioxide exhaled by adults, entering Airways crumbs stimulate the baby's respiratory center. These factors reduce the risk of sudden death syndrome.
• Next to mom and dad, the baby can more easily tolerate poor health.
• The child does not overheat next to his parents, since part of his heat transfers to the cool bodies of adults.
• Little one gets more tactile contact with mom and dad, which is important for his full development nervous system.

Next to mom and dad, the baby is calm, closeness to parents ensures harmonious development his nervous system

Pros for parents

• The child is always under supervision, because the parents hear and see the baby.
• It is much easier to calm a baby who is hungry by applying it to the breast if the mother is lying nearby. Mom does not have to get up and interrupt her sleep, which helps her rest better at night. In addition, sucking at night is important for adequate lactation.
• Co-sleeping will help out when parents spend little time with the baby during the day, for example, if the mother starts working and goes away for a long time during the day.
• Thanks to sleeping with the baby, the mother learns the baby's needs well and can quickly respond to them.
• Sleeping a baby in the parent's bed helps the mother cope with postpartum depression, anxiety and fears.

Sleeping together with the baby has a positive effect on the psycho-emotional state of the mother

Minuses

Parents may not get enough sleep if they are afraid of disturbing their baby's sleep or have limited space to sleep. A young mother may be prevented from falling asleep next to her baby by the fear that she might crush the baby in her sleep. In fact, if the mother's brain is not affected by alcohol, sleeping pills or drugs, she will be sensitive to the baby's movements in her sleep. But there is such a danger from the dad’s side, so it is better to choose a place near the wall to lay the baby.

The little one nearby makes it impossible sex life in my parents' bed. It happens that a mother specifically puts the baby in her bed to avoid intimacy with husband. This can develop into serious problems between spouses.

There is an opinion that babies who sleep with their parents are more dependent on them. Indeed, such children have a stronger attachment to their parents, but with age their needs become normalized. Moreover, opponents co-sleeping We are sure that sleeping in your parents’ bed at night is simply not hygienic. However, this problem can be easily solved if you put a diaper on the bed for the baby, which can be washed frequently.

When is it wrong to sleep together?

• Smoking or drinking alcohol by either parent;
• Severe fatigue of parents.

In some cases, sleeping with the child is not recommended, as this can be dangerous for the baby

At what age should a child be taught to sleep in his own crib?

Optimal age It is considered 2-3 years to transfer a baby, accustomed to sleeping on the parent's bed, to his own crib. After three years the child already feels a separate person and begins to need personal space. In addition, by this age many infantile fears pass.

How to wean it off?

It is not difficult to prevent your baby from sleeping in his parents’ bed if you are patient and take things gradually. You should immediately prepare for the fact that weaning may take more than one week or even more than one month.

To make the transition to their crib easier for the child, parents can be advised to do the following:

• Make sure the nursery is safe for your child and there are no scary objects in the room.
• Choose the bed your baby likes together with your child, beautiful pillow and a blanket, as well as bed linen.
• On nap put your baby in his own bed.
• Let the baby choose his favorite toy that he wants to sleep with.
• Develop a specific bedtime ritual, for example, sing a lullaby to your baby or read a fairy tale.
• If your child is scared in the dark, you can leave the door to his room open and leave the night light on.
• First, place the baby's crib next to the parent's and gradually move it further and further to the opposite wall, and then move it to another room.
• A child over 3 years old can be arranged fun party moving on to sleep in your own bed.
• Talk to your child and tell him that he is old enough to sleep in his own crib.
• Be prepared that at first the little one will often come to your bed.

When weaning off co-sleeping, prepare the room and be patient, because most often this process is not the easiest

In almost all families, sooner or later it becomes topical issue: “How to wean a child from sleeping with his parents.” The only exceptions are those lucky ones who did not initially teach their baby to sleep together. But there are very few such parents, since on a physical and psychological level it is quite difficult to “tear” them away from themselves. small miracle who needs love and affection so much.

For every family, the first months of life infant can be very difficult, because you don’t always want to go up to the crib several times a night. Therefore, the question arises: “When to wean?” Ideally, it is better not to teach. If the situation is different, then already at one year of age when put to daytime and night sleep It's time to get used to your own crib.

Positive aspects of co-sleeping

In modern young families, a common problem is weaning a child from sleeping at night with his parents. Almost every family faces this. But before you decide to urgently wean your child from sleeping with his parents, you should weigh the pros and cons.

Comfort for the mother of the baby

Co-sleeping infant with mom or dad is very convenient for both parties. Having finished the night meal, the baby falls asleep near the breast, and the mother herself, tired from daytime worries, sleeps longer if she does not have to get up and transfer the baby to the crib. The sleep cycles of mother and child become almost identical, they are “on the same wavelength,” which is very convenient for both.

Increased lactation

An important positive point is increased lactation in nursing mothers. The closeness of the baby physiological level stimulates milk production and makes it possible to feed it at the baby’s first request.

Convenience of artificial feeding

But this does not mean at all that mothers who artificially feed their baby do not have such an attachment to him. Artificial feeding often both parents share equally. And night feeding of the baby several times a night tires parents and it is easier for them to put the baby next to them than to jump up half asleep at his every demand. With dad next to him, as practice shows, children sleep no less peacefully than with mom.

Stable mental health of the child

The emotional connection that arises between parents and children not only in daytime, but also at night, has a beneficial effect on comprehensive development child. As a rule, such children, growing up, are not afraid of the dark and are less susceptible to various kinds phobias.

Extra attention for the baby

There is another factor in favor of co-sleeping at night. This applies to mothers who go to work very early and who, due to being busy, cannot pay attention to their baby during the day, filling “this gap” at night, hugging, kissing him and simply breathing the same air with him.

But what if the child grows up, and his parents’ bed remains preferable for him even at 2 years old and even at 4 years old? Little man I sincerely don’t understand why I need to sleep separately if it’s so cozy and good with my parents.

Cons of sleeping with parents

For a child sleeping with mom and dad, there are many disadvantages that adversely affect his development.

Death in a dream

Among the most frightening disadvantages are isolated cases of infants being suffocated by the body of the mother or father. Of course, such situations do not happen so often, but they still exist and theoretically cannot be excluded. Mothers, tired during the day, can sleep very soundly and not react to anything except the cry of the baby, and if he is silent, then there is no need to wake up...

Do not think that such tragic situations are typical only for dysfunctional parents.

Child's poor sleep

A child who sleeps with his parents at 2 years of age or later will wake up frequently to check if his parents are nearby. Because of this, his sleep will be inadequate, the baby will not get enough sleep, which can lead to many psychological problems.

The process of developing a child’s independence is inhibited

Every baby should have his own personal space, and the bed in this sense is no exception. Mine desk, your own play corner, your own bed, your own toys, etc. – all this allows us to lay down the individual qualities of the child.

“The entire history of a child’s growth can be represented as a transition from absolute dependence to its gradual decrease and to the search for independence” - this is a quote from the book by D.V. Winnicott's "Little Children and Their Mothers", confirming this idea.

Excessive attachment to parents

A baby who has crossed the threshold of 1 year and continues to sleep at night with his parents becomes overly attached to them (especially to his mother), which can negatively affect his later life. His mother’s opinion will become paramount for him, and he will not be able to make important life decisions on his own.

Hygienic aspect

Parents may be carriers of certain diseases that, through bed dress will be passed on to the child.

Parents co-sleeping with their children may also have problems.

Parents' lack of sleep

Disturbed sleep, restless and superficial, is characteristic of mothers up to the age of one year. And if a daughter or son sleeps in their parents’ bed at the age of 3, then it is not surprising that one of the parents may not get enough sleep.

Lack of full-fledged intimate relationships between husband and wife

The big disadvantage of co-sleeping is the lack of adequate intimate relationships husband and wife. Sex or regular hugs and kisses are inappropriate if there is a baby sleeping nearby who could be disturbed. Such a seemingly harmless fact can cause a deterioration in the spouses’ relationship.

If you believe the statistics, about 40% of couples who practice co-sleeping with children under 3-4 years old get divorced.

TV presenter Tutta Larsen, together with psychologists, examines the problem of co-sleeping

How to wean your baby from sleeping with his parents at 1 and 2 years old

If sleeping with a newborn baby can still be explained by the convenience of breastfeeding, then a 1-2 year old child in the parent’s bed is a problem. Its origin may lie in psycho-emotional state baby or physical illness.

Before weaning a child from sleeping with a parent, you need to make sure that he is healthy and is not bothered by night fears, such as fear of the dark or “monsters under the bed.” Otherwise, the child will receive enormous stress.

If there is a need for training one year old baby to sleep in a separate crib, then you need to act gently, and at the same time, be persistent.

There are 3 ways to carry out weaning.

1st method - Ignoring

Children are good manipulators. It doesn’t matter how old the child is, he will achieve his goal in every possible way. This will be screaming, hysteria, persuasion and other methods. If the baby understands that all his attempts are in vain, then after a few days he will retreat and accept the position of his parents.

Ideally, teach the child to independent sleep it is necessary when he is still sleeping in a crib with high sides, so that he cannot come to his parents at night. For example, you breastfed or read a story and the baby fell asleep in his crib, but a few hours later he woke up and you were not there. Naturally he will cry. And here you just need not to react to crying, without saying a word. If the baby hears you, he will cry with renewed vigor.

But isn’t it harmful for a child to cry alone, doesn’t it reduce his sense of security?

Alison Schaefer, a Canadian psychotherapist and author of Leading Well Can't Be Cranky, writes in defense of this method: “Some parents want a “tearless” solution to any disciplinary problem. Once a child starts crying, we can’t find a place for ourselves! I recently read about two year old baby from Thailand who smokes 40 cigarettes a day. His parents say they have to give him cigarettes or he cries. Well, they're crazy, aren't they?

If a child sleeps in a crib without sides and can easily sneak into his parents’ bed at night, then you need to lock your room. Important point: not to lock the child in his room, but to lock himself in his own. The baby will cry under the door, but this will not last long. It will last much longer gradual method weaning.

2nd method - Gradual

If parents do not agree to put up with half an hour of roaring and lamentation of their own child, they need to be patient and gradually, with persistence, teach them to sleep independently.

To begin, move the baby's crib next to the parent's bed. In this case, the baby will be nearby, but not with mom and dad.

A little later, move the crib to another room and sit next to it until the baby falls asleep. You can give your baby a toy with which he will feel comfortable falling asleep.

The next step might be to have your child fall asleep alone in his room while you sit in the hallway or outside the door. After that falling asleep independently not far away.

If the baby is used to falling asleep on his own, then when he wakes up at night he will no longer come to his parents’ bedroom, but will fall asleep alone again.

3rd method - Explanations

The benefits of a separate sleep can already be explained to a 2-year-old child.

First of all, the baby needs to be told why he needs to sleep separately. There can be a million arguments: you are already an adult; Misha (Sasha, Uncle Vanya) at your age were already sleeping in their crib; you can put a bear (doll) next to you and they won’t be scared with you. Each case may have its own reasoning, because by the age of one year, parents know well the tastes and preferences of their beloved child.

Irina, mother of Roma (2 years old): “Roma never wanted to go to bed in separate room. We tried all the methods: persuasion, promises, reading a bedtime story, the presence of toys in the crib - nothing helped. Big sister managed to play on the stubborn little guy’s love for the cartoon “Masha and the Bear.” For every night in his own room, the baby received a sticker with his favorite characters in the morning. She was solemnly glued to the crib, the ritual was accompanied by praise and delight, “everyone wanted the same, but only Roma got it, he’s a great guy.” A couple of days later, the son went to his room without persuasion, knowing that in the morning he would be rewarded. Over time, he lost interest in Masha and the Bear and began to sleep in his room with desire, because he is a real man.”

How to wean a child aged 3 years and older from sleeping with his parents?

If it turns out that mom and dad didn’t show firmness in time, and at 3 or 4 years old the child still goes to bed with his parents or migrates to them at night, you shouldn’t let things take their course, but start urgently weaning them off. It's obvious that:

• The child does not listen to you;
• You are inconsistent in your position;
• You do not realize what harm you can do to the formation of the child’s personality and the relationship between spouses.

Why does a child sleep with his parents after 3 years?

It is necessary to find out the reason why the baby refuses to sleep separately.

"I want it that way"

If he motivates his action “I want it this way,” then the parents will have to act more harshly. There must be a categorical answer to his position: “no!”, and not a step to the side. Having encountered resistance and consistency, the child will understand who is more important in the house and will humble himself.

"I'm afraid"

In response to the explanation “I'm afraid,” parents need to eliminate the causes of children's fears: turn on the night light; put his favorite toy next to the baby; leave a walkie-talkie or telephone for communication. If fears have a certain localization, then you need to go with your child and make sure that there are no monsters in the closet, and there are no spiders or other children’s fears under the bed. It is extremely important for the baby to know that mom or dad will always come to his aid, so you should not ignore the child’s request to come to him, but it is important to explain: “I’m nearby, so you’re safe, but now it’s night and the parents are tired, so everyone needs to rest.” " Be prepared for the fact that the words “independent nights” will have to be said to your child several times a day.

Overwork

Excess information before bed, especially watching TV, negatively affects the child’s psyche. You cannot watch cartoons or play on your phone or tablet 3-4 hours before bedtime.

Olga, Verochka’s mother, 3.5 years old: “We had the following problem: Vera fell asleep listening to a fairy tale while one of her parents was sitting next to her. But she woke up at 3-4 o’clock in the morning and came to us. Of course, my husband and I did not have the strength to put it back to bed and we slept together until the morning. Neither we nor our daughter got enough sleep. Then we (on the advice of a neurologist) ruled out the only reason - cartoons before bed. We allowed her to watch TV until 16:00, and then there was a strict ban. Neither her screams nor her tears helped, because let her be more capricious during the day than at night. And it helped! Vera began to sleep all night without waking up.”

How to wean

How to wean? Reasonable and persistent!

Find the right moment

To move your baby into your own personal space, it is important to choose right moment, connect it with something pleasant, long-awaited: buying a favorite toy, grandma’s arrival, going to the circus. In the baby’s life at this moment there should be more bright emotions and events, then the “relocation” can pass almost unnoticed.

Gradual move

It is important to follow the “gradual move” principle. First, a daytime nap in your own crib, but in the parent’s bedroom, then a daytime nap in your own crib, but in your own room.

Promotions

Don't forget about small joys and concessions. If the baby is emotional for one or two days, from some bright event, slept separately, then later he will realize that his parents did not act exactly as he wanted. Don’t miss the moment of “small incentives and concessions”; ask your child:

• what bedding will you choose today;
• what toy will you take with you to bed;
• what bedtime story to read;
• do you want dad or mom to read it?

Connect influencers

Involve people who are authoritative for the baby in the process of weaning off co-sleeping with parents. It doesn’t matter that it could be a seven-year-old neighbor or a distant relative. If a child’s opinion is important, then start the process of “random” dialogue: “I hope you are resting in your crib? At the age of three I was already sleeping alone!”.

Celebrate the victory together!

Does your baby sleep on his own for several nights? There is a reason to celebrate this by going to a children's playground, family holiday etc. Show the person dear to you that you are proud of his achievements.

Follow the ritual

Follow a certain algorithm:

• drinking milk at night;
• fulfillment of necessary hygiene procedures;
• turndown service;
• choosing a toy;
• reading a fairy tale;
• and, as a logical conclusion, an independent dream.

Avoid activity before bed

It is important to remember that games before bed should be calm. The active and noisy activity of the baby contributes to overstimulation of the child’s nervous system, which negatively affects the process of preparing for sleep. In this case, the baby may develop protests, whims and tearfulness.

In order for a child to always be comfortable, it is not necessary to put him to bed with his father and mother: more attention, understanding, support - and the baby will understand that there is nothing to be afraid of, the world will not turn upside down while he sleeps independently in his crib.

Watch the video on how to wean your child from sleeping with his parents.

Video on the topic

Surely, many parents have had to deal with nightly visits of a child to an adult’s bed, when you wake up from the fact that the baby is either crying or shaking your shoulder and whispering: “Mom, can I sleep with you and dad? I'm scared!"

It's pretty long period in a child’s life, such requests can last for two or three years, and if they become entrenched in his behavior, then even up to adolescence! It is difficult for a parent who is awakened in the middle of the night to refuse this child’s request; it is much easier to move and let the baby into bed than to get up, take him to the nursery, listen, calm him down and persuade him to fall asleep again. Still, it is the second option that is considered correct. “Why?” - you ask.
Why children shouldn't sleep in bed with their parents
1. It’s impossible for three of us to sleep in one bed - it’s cramped and uncomfortable. And sleeping like this for several years is out of the question!
2. Parents have their own adulthood, which includes sexual relations. Refusing it because the baby is always nearby (I repeat, in some cases right up to adolescence!) is very bad for the relationship between spouses. Sometimes the situation can lead to divorce. It is absolutely forbidden to wait until the baby falls asleep in your bed and then begin mutual caresses. The child may suddenly wake up and remember part of the sexual intercourse. Having no idea about this area of ​​\u200b\u200blife, small children draw their own conclusions, for example, the following: dad offends mom, mom is hurt, etc. This harms the child psychological trauma, the consequences of which can be the most negative.
According to S. Freud, a child early age A person who accidentally sees sexual intercourse perceives it as an act of aggression and enslavement. In the future this may lead to close intertwining sexual desire with sadism.
3. Once allowing a child to stay overnight in his bed means provoking his further nightly visits.
4. Allowing a child to constantly and for a long time sleep at night with his parents means making him timid, fearful, and infantile.

Should a child sleep with his parents?
The child must learn to deal with his fears and anxieties on his own. In the fight against them he will gradually gain inner strength which will help him in his future childhood life.
Dear parents, remember yourself as a child. What did you do when you were afraid of something, lying in bed before going to bed? Mentally you calmed yourself down, convinced yourself that there was no danger at home, everything bad only seemed to you. And at the same time, they used all sorts of “magic” means - so that a leg or arm would not hang from the bed, so that all parts of the body would be tightly covered with a blanket, and you would feel like you were in a “house”. So as not to open your eyes, not to look in the mirror when you walk past it in the dark to the toilet, etc.
This is the same behavior your child should learn. But this cannot be done, each time escaping from your “terrible” thoughts in your parents’ bed and relying only on your parents to resolve your fears!
The above does not mean that the baby should be left alone with his fears! Children's nightmares and parental reactions to them are a separate topic, vast and complex.
The child came to the parent's bed: what to do?
What should you do if you wake up to your baby laying down next to you? Get up and find out what happened. Together with your child, slowly move into his room so as not to wake up your spouse, who will have to get up early in the morning for work.
In the nursery, you can listen carefully to the baby and reassure him by presenting your arguments.
If your baby complains that he is scared, hug him and kiss him and reassure him that he is completely safe. Put her in the crib, cover her, tell her it was just a dream. And if horrible dream If you dream about it again, you just need to roll over onto the other side and not think about it anymore, try to fall asleep again. After that, return to your room. If your baby is too anxious, stay in his room a little longer or until he falls asleep.
Of course, it's not easy to do this every night. This strategy requires enormous patience and consistency from parents. But the reward for this work there will be a speedy relief from the child’s nightly visits to your bed (for about a year) and his full development- independence, self-confidence, ability to cope with anxieties and fears.
Some parents feel that sending a child back to his crib is cruel, and that allowing him to stay in his bed will serve as proof parental love. It's a delusion! It’s cruel to drive a frightened baby back to his bed, but carrying him in your arms or walking him back to the crib, listening to the baby and helping him cope with fear is the RIGHT DECISION!
In fact, proof of love for your child would be giving him his own place to sleep (in this case, a comfortable crib), as well as overcoming your reluctance to get out of a warm bed in the middle of the night and spend effort on calming your baby, helping him learn to fall asleep in your bed.
Oksana StazI