Grigory is sharp, not harmful advice. Grigory Oster
1.
Lost Child
Must remember that it's
They'll take you home as soon as
He will tell you his address.
We need to act smarter
Say: "I live
Near a palm tree with a monkey
On distant islands."
Lost child
If he's not a fool,
Will not miss the right opportunity
IN different countries visit.
2.
Hands never anywhere
Don't touch anything.
Don't get involved in anything
And don't go anywhere.
Move aside silently
Stand modestly in the corner
And stand quietly, without moving,
Until your old age.
3.
Who hasn't jumped out of a window?
Together with my mother's umbrella,
That dashing parachutist
Doesn't count yet.
Don't fly like a bird
Above the excited crowd
Don't put him in the hospital
With a bandaged leg.
4.
If the whole family goes swimming
You went to the river
Don't bother mom and dad
Sunbathe on the shore.
Don't start a scream
Give the adults a break.
Without pestering anyone,
Try to drown.
5.
There is no more pleasant thing to do
What to pick your nose with.
Everyone is terribly interested
What's hidden inside?
And who is disgusted to look,
Let him not even look.
We don’t get in his way,
Let him not bother you either.
6.
If your mom caught you
For what you love,
For example, while drawing
In the hallway on the wallpaper,
Explain to her what it is -
Your surprise for the Eighth of March.
The painting is called:
“Portrait of my dear mother.”
7.
Don't take someone else's if
Strangers are looking at you.
Let them close their eyes
Or they’ll go out for an hour.
Why be afraid of your own people?
They won’t tell about their own people.
Let them look. Grab someone else's
And drag him to yours.
8.
Never stupid questions
Don't ask yourself
Or even more stupid
You will find the answer to them.
If the questions are stupid
Appeared in my head
Ask them straight away to adults.
Let their brains crack.
9.
Visit often
Theater buffet.
There are cakes with cream,
Water with bubbles.
Like firewood on plates
The chocolates are lying
And through a tube you can
Drink a milkshake.
Don't ask for tickets
To the balcony and to the stalls,
Let them give you tickets
To the theater buffet.
Leaving the theater
You will take it with you
Under a trembling heart,
In the stomach, a sandwich.
10.
Born a girl - be patient
Trips and pushes.
And put your pigtails on everyone,
Who wouldn't mind pulling them?
But someday later
Show them the fig
And you will say: “Figurines, for you
I won’t get married!”
11.
If you and your friends are together
Have fun in the yard
And in the morning they put it on you
Your new coat,
You shouldn't crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb fences
Hanging from nails.
So as not to spoil or stain
Your new coat,
We need to make it old.
This is done like this:
Get right into the puddle
Roll on the ground
And a little on the fence
Hang on nails.
Very soon it will become old
Your new coat,
Now you can calmly
Have fun in the yard.
You can safely crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb fences
Hanging from nails.
12.
If you're down the hall
Ride your bike
And towards you from the bathroom
Dad went out for a walk
Don't turn into the kitchen
There is a solid refrigerator in the kitchen.
Better brake like dad.
Dad is soft. He will forgive.
13.
If you are united forever,
Illuminated and lead,
Don't try to dodge
From movement to celebration.
Still will raise to work
And it will inspire you to heroism
You are great and mighty,
And our reliable stronghold.
14.
The main business of your life
Any trifle can become a problem.
You just have to firmly believe
There is no more important matter.
And then it won't hurt
You are neither cold nor hot,
Choking with delight,
Do nonsense.
15.
Hit frogs with sticks.
It is very interesting.
Tear off the wings of flies,
Let them run on foot.
Exercise daily
And a happy day will come -
you to some kingdom
They will be accepted as the chief executioner.
16.
Girls should never be
Not to be noticed anywhere.
And don't give them a pass
Nowhere and never.
They need to put their feet up
Scare from around the corner
So that they immediately understand:
You don't care about them.
I met a girl - quickly
Stick your tongue out.
Let her not think
That you're in love with her.
17.
Starting a fight with dad
Starting a fight with mom,
Try to surrender to your mother, -
Dad takes no prisoners.
By the way, find out from your mother,
Has she forgotten?
Beat prisoners on the butt with a belt
Prohibited by the Red Cross.
18.
If you are the whole world of violence
Are you going to destroy
And at the same time you dream of becoming
Everything without being anything
Feel free to follow us
Along the paved road,
We will give you this path
We might even give in.
19.
Don't settle for anything
With no one and never
And those who agree with you
Call them cowardly.
For this everyone will start you
Love and respect.
And you will have it everywhere
Full of friends.
20.
If there are cockroaches in the kitchen
Marching around the table
And the mice are happy
There's a practice fight on the floor,
So it's time for you to go
Stop fighting for peace
And give up all your strength
To fight for purity.
21.
If you are going to a friend
Tell me your troubles
Take a friend by the button
It's useless - he'll run away
And it will leave you with a souvenir
This button is a friend.
Better give him a kick
Throw on the floor, sit on top
And then in detail
Tell me your trouble.
22.
If you came to see your friends,
Don't say hello to anyone.
Words: “please”, “thank you”
Do not tell anybody.
Turn away and ask questions
Don't answer anyone's questions.
And then no one will say
About you, that you are a talker.
23.
If anything happened
And no one is to blame
Don't go there or else
You will be to blame.
Hide somewhere on the side.
And then go home.
And about the fact that I saw this,
Do not tell anybody.
24.
If they didn't buy you a cake
And they didn’t take us to the cinema in the evening,
You need to be offended by your parents,
And go without a hat into the cold night.
But not just like that
Wander the streets
And in the dense dark
Forest to go.
There's a wolf right there for you
The hungry will meet
And, of course, quickly
He will eat you.
Then mom and dad will know
They will scream, cry and run away.
And they will rush to buy cake,
And to the cinema with you
They'll pick you up in the evening.
25.
Look what's going on
In every house at night.
Turning his nose to the wall,
The adults lie silently.
They move their lips
In the pitch darkness
And with eyes closed
They jerk their heels in their sleep.
Don't agree to anything
Go to bed at night.
Don't let anyone
Putting you to bed.
Do you really want
My childhood years
Spend under the blanket
On a pillow, without pants?
26.
Eat the right remedy appeal to adults:
In the morning, start yelling and littering,
Eavesdropping, whining, running around the house
Kicking and begging for gifts from everyone.
Be rude, cunning, tease and lie,
And in the evening suddenly stop for an hour, -
And immediately, looking with a touched smile,
All the adults will pat you on the head
And they will say that you are a wonderful boy
And there is no child nicer than you.
27.
If you came to the Christmas tree,
Demand your gift right away
Look, there's no candy
Santa Claus has not healed.
And don't you dare carefree
Bring home leftovers.
How mom and dad gallop -
Half will be taken away.
28.
If punishment awaits you
Behind bad behavior,
For example, for being in the bathroom
Have you bathed your cat?
Without asking permission
Neither the cat nor the mother,
I can suggest you a way
How to escape from punishment.
Hit your head on the floor,
Beat yourself in the chest with your hands
And weep and shout:
“Oh, why did I torture the cat!?
I am worthy of terrible punishment!
My shame can only be redeemed by death!”
Not even half a minute will pass,
How, crying with you,
They will forgive you and, to console you,
They will run for a sweet cake.
And then calm the cat
Lead me by the tail to the bath,
After all, a cat is a tell-all
He will never be able to.
29.
For example, in your pocket
It turned out to be a handful of sweets,
And they came towards you
Yours faithful friends.
Don't be scared and don't hide,
Don't rush to run away
Don't shove all the candy
Along with candy wrappers in your mouth.
Approach them calmly
No extra words not talking,
Quickly taking it out of his pocket,
Give them... your palm.
Shake their hands firmly,
Say goodbye slowly
And, turning the first corner,
Rush home quickly.
To eat candy at home,
Get under the bed
Because there, of course,
You won't meet anyone.
30.
Take a thick one Cherry juice
And my mother's white cloak.
Gently pour the juice onto the cloak -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's cloak,
The entire cloak must be put in
Into thick cherry juice.
Take your mother's cherry raincoat
And a mug of milk.
Pour the milk carefully -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's cloak,
The entire cloak must be put in
In a saucepan with milk.
Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white cloak.
Lay carefully...
31.
If you broke a window,
Don't rush to admit it.
Wait, won’t it start?
Suddenly there is a civil war.
The artillery will strike
Glass will fly out everywhere
And no one will scold
For a broken window.
32.
Beat your friends without a break
Every day for half an hour,
And your muscles
It will become stronger than a brick.
And with mighty hands,
You, when the enemies come,
You can in Hard time
Protect your friends.
33.
Never wash your hands
Neck, ears and face.
This is a stupid thing to do
Doesn't lead to anything.
Your hands will get dirty again
Neck, ears and face,
So why waste energy?
Time to waste.
It's also useless to get a haircut,
There's no point.
By old age by itself
Your head will go bald.
34.
Never allow
Set a thermometer for yourself
And don't swallow pills,
And don't eat powders.
Let your stomach and teeth hurt,
Throat, ears, head,
Don't take any medicine anyway
And don't listen to the doctor.
The heart stops beating
But for sure
They won't stick mustard plaster on you
And they won't give you an injection.
If you are hospitalized
And you don’t want to lie there,
Wait until they come to your room
Most chief physician will come.
Bite him and immediately
Your treatment will end
That same evening from the hospital
They'll take you home.
35.
If mom is in the store
I just bought you a ball
And he doesn't want the rest
Everything he sees, buy,
Stand straight, heels together,
Place your arms to the sides,
Open your mouth wider
And shout the letter "A"!
And when, dropping the bags,
With a cry: “Citizens! Anxiety!"
Buyers will rush
Led by sellers
The store director is here to see you
He will crawl up and tell his mother:
"Take everything for free,
Let him just shut up."
36.
When you birth mother
Leads to dentists
Don't expect mercy from her
Don't shed unnecessary tears.
Be silent like a captured partisan
And grit your teeth like that
So that she won’t be able to unclench them
Crowd of dentists.
37.
If you stayed at home
Alone without parents
I can offer you
An interesting game
Titled "The Brave Chef"
Or "The Brave Cook".
The essence of the game is preparation.
All kinds of delicious dishes.
I suggest for starters
Here's a simple recipe:
Need to wear daddy's shoes
Pour out my mother's perfume,
And then these shoes
Apply shaving cream
And, watering them fish oil
WITH black ink in half,
Throw in the soup that mom
I prepared it in the morning.
And cook with the lid closed
Exactly seventy minutes.
You'll find out what happens
When the adults come.
38.
If your friend is the best
Slipped and fell
Point your finger at a friend
And grab your stomach.
Let him see, lying in a puddle, -
You're not upset at all.
A true friend does not love
Upset your friends.
39.
If you're not sure yet
We have chosen a path in life
And you don't know why
Start your labor journey,
Break the light bulbs in the hallways -
People will thank you.
You will help the people
Save electricity.
40.
To kick you out of your apartment
Various flies and mosquitoes,
I need to pull down the curtain
And spin it over your head.
Pictures will fly off the walls,
There are flowers from the windowsill.
The TV will tumble
The chandelier will crash into the parquet.
And, escaping from the roar,
Mosquitoes will fly away
And the frightened flies
The flock will rush south.
41.
If you decided in the morning
To behave,
Feel free to go into the closet
And dive into the darkness.
There's no mom or dad there,
Only daddy's pants.
No one will shout loudly there:
“Stop it! Do not dare! Don't touch me!
It will be much easier there
Without disturbing anyone,
Behave all day long
And lead decently.
42.
Decided to fight - choose
The one who is weaker.
But the strong can fight back,
Why do you need her?
The younger the one you hit,
The more joyful the heart
Watch him cry, scream,
And he calls mommy.
But if suddenly for the baby
Someone stepped up
Run, scream and cry loudly,
And call mommy.
43.
Eat reliable way dad
Drive you crazy forever.
Tell your dad honestly
What did you do yesterday.
If he can
Stay on your feet
Explain what to do
Tomorrow you think.
And when with a crazy look
Dad will sing songs
Call an ambulance.
Her phone number is “03”.
44.
If you were walking around wearing a hat,
And then she disappeared
Don't worry, mom is home
You can lie about something.
But try to lie beautifully,
To look in admiration,
Holding my breath, mom
I listened to lies for a long time.
But if you lied
About the lost hat
What is it in an unequal battle
A spy took it from you,
Try to mom
I didn’t go to be indignant
To foreign intelligence
They won't understand her that way.
45.
“We need to share with the younger ones!”
“We need to help the younger ones!”
Never forget
These are the rules, friends.
Repeat very quietly
Theirs to someone older than you
So that the younger ones about it
We didn't find out anything.
46.
If your hands are at lunch
You got the salad dirty
And you feel embarrassed about the tablecloth
Wipe your fingers,
Lower it discreetly
They are under the table, and it’s calm there
Wipe your hands
About the neighbor's pants.
47.
If you're in your pocket
I didn't find a penny
Look in your neighbor's pocket, -
Obviously the money is there.
48.
If your desk neighbor
Became a source of infection
Hug him and off to school
You won't come for two weeks.
49.
To spontaneous combustion
Didn't happen in the house
Leaving the premises
Take your iron with you.
Vacuum cleaner, electric stove,
TV and floor lamp
Better, with light bulbs together,
Take it to the neighboring yard.
And it will be even more reliable
Cut the wires
So that throughout your area
Immediately the light went out.
Here you can be sure
You're almost certainly
What from spontaneous combustion
The house was reliably protected.
50.
Matches - best toy
For bored children.
Dad's tie, mom's passport -
Here is a small fire.
If you throw the slippers
Or put a broom
You can fry a whole chair
Cook the fish soup in the nightstand.
If adults are somewhere
The matches were hidden from you,
Explain to them that matches
For the fire you need.
51.
If you wash your son
Mom suddenly discovers
That she is not washing her son,
And someone else’s daughter...
Don't let mom be nervous
Well, does she care?
There are no differences
Between dirty children.
52.
When you get old, go
Walk along the street.
Don't get on the bus, anyway
You'll have to stand there.
And nowadays there are few fools,
To give way,
And to those distant times
There won't be any of them at all.
53.
If you played football
On the wide pavement
And, hitting the goal,
Suddenly we heard a whistle,
Don't shout "Goal!" maybe
This is a policeman
Whistled when hit
Not at the gate, but into him.
54.
Running away from the tram,
Don't rush under the dump truck.
Wait at the traffic light
Won't show up yet
Ambulance car -
It's full of doctors
Let them crush you.
They will heal themselves later.
55.
If you want enemies
Win with one blow
Rockets and shells for you,
And there's no need for cartridges.
Drop to them by parachute
***********************
(Fill out this line yourself.)
An hour later the enemies, sobbing,
They will come running to surrender.
If you are the last one on the council
You don’t want to insert a line yourself,
Choose any one for yourself
From those offered to you.
Drop them by parachute:
yours little sister,
Dad, grandma and mom,
Two bags of rubles and three rubles,
The headmistress of your school,
The full staff of teachers' council
Engine from "Zaporozhets"
Dozens of dentists
Chernov's boy Sasha,
Little Masha Oster,
Tea from the school canteen,
The book “Bad Advice”...
An hour later the enemies, sobbing,
They will come running to surrender.
56.
If you are called to dinner,
Hide proudly under the sofa
And lie there quietly,
So that they don’t find you right away.
And when from under the sofa
They will drag you by the legs,
Break out and bite
Don't give up without a fight.
If they still get it
And they will seat you at the table,
Tip the cup over
Pour the soup on the floor.
Cover your mouth with your hands
Fall down from the chair.
And throw the cutlets up,
Let them stick to the ceiling.
In a month people will say
Sincerely about you:
“He looks thin and dead,
But the character is strong.”
57.
If you decide first
Join the ranks of your fellow citizens -
Never catch up
Rushing forward.
Five minutes later, cursing,
They will run back
And then, leading the crowd,
You will rush ahead.
58.
If to dad or mom
Adult aunt came
And someone important leads
AND serious conversation,
Need from behind unnoticed
sneak up on her and then
Shout loudly in your ear:
“Stop! Give up! Hands up!"
And when aunty gets off the chair
He'll fall out of fright
And he'll spill it on his dress
Tea, compote or jelly,
It's probably very loud
Mom will laugh
And, proud of my child,
Dad will shake your hand.
Dad will take you by the shoulder
And it will lead somewhere.
It'll probably be there for a very long time
Dad will praise you.
59.
Get yourself a notebook
And write down in detail
Who's who at recess
How many times have I sent it to where?
Who is the physical education teacher with?
I drank kefir in the gym,
And what does dad say to mom at night?
He whispered quietly in his ear.
60.
If sharp objects
You caught my eye
Try them deeper
Stick it into yourself.
This is the most The best way
See for yourself
What dangerous items
We must hide it from children.
61.
Are you being held accountable?
Well, know how to answer.
Don't shake, don't whine, don't mumble,
Never hide your eyes.
For example, my mother asked:
“Who scattered the toys?”
Answer that it's dad
He brought his friends.
You got into a fight with younger brother?
Say he's the first
Kicked you in the neck
And he swore like a bandit.
If they ask who is in the kitchen
I bit all the cutlets,
Answer that the cat is the neighbor's,
Or perhaps the neighbor himself.
No matter what you've done wrong,
Learn to answer.
For each one's actions
I must answer boldly.
62.
If you are determined
Steal a plane to the West,
But you can't think of it
How to scare pilots
Read passages to them
From today's newspaper, -
And they go to any country
They will fly away with you.
63.
It's better to tease from the window,
From the eighth floor.
From a tank is also good,
When the armor is strong.
But if you want to bring
People to bitter tears,
They're the safest
Tease on the radio.
64.
When a guest drops his cup,
Don't hit your guest in the forehead.
Give me another cup, let me
He drinks tea calmly.
When this cup is a guest
Will fall off the table
Pour tea into his glass,
And let him drink in peace.
When will all the dishes be a guest?
In the apartment he will interrupt,
I'll have to pour some sweet tea
By the scruff of his neck.
65.
If you are on the phone
Called a fool
And they didn’t wait for an answer,
Throwing the phone down,
Dial quickly
From any random numbers
And to the one who picks up the phone,
Tell me - I'm a fool.
66.
Address of the school where
I was lucky to study
Like a multiplication table
Remember firmly, by heart,
And when will it happen to you
Meet a saboteur
Without wasting a minute,
Please provide the school address.
67.
Don't be upset if
Calling mom to school
Or dad. Do not be shy,
Bring the whole family.
Let the uncles and aunts come
AND second cousins,
If you have a dog,
Bring her too.
68.
If you decided to sister
Just to scare as a joke,
And she’s down the wall from you
Runs away barefoot
So the jokes are funny
They don't reach her
And you shouldn’t give it to your sister
Live mice in slippers.
69.
If you caught your sister
With the grooms in the yard,
Don't rush it quickly
Give it to mom and dad.
Let the parents first
She will be given in marriage,
Then you'll tell your husband
Everything you know about your sister.
70.
If he's chasing you
Too many people
Ask them in detail
What are they upset about?
Try to console everyone.
Give everyone advice
But reduce the speed
Absolutely no use.
71.
Don't be offended by
Who hits you with their hands?
And don't be lazy every time
Thank him
For sparing no effort,
He hits you with his hands
And I could take it in these hands
And a stick and a brick.
72.
If a friend's birthday
I invited you to my place,
You leave the gift at home -
It will come in handy yourself.
Try to sit next to the cake.
Don't engage in conversations.
You're talking
Eat half as much candy.
Choose smaller pieces
To swallow faster.
Don't grab the salad with your hands -
You'll scoop up more with a spoon.
If they suddenly give you nuts,
Place them carefully in your pocket,
But don’t hide the jam there -
It will be difficult to take it out.
Previously, scientists believed that bad advice you can just read it obedient children, which do everything the other way around. Such a child will hear bad advice, do it differently - and it will turn out just right. But recently scientists realized that obedient children also need harmful advice. It turns out that on obedient child bad advice acts as an inoculation against stupidity. Now scientists allow harmful advice to be read to all children - both obedient and disobedient.
1.
Before your parents
Begging for something good
Ask yourself: “Do I deserve it?
Was I an obedient, sweet boy?
If yes, ask for twice as much.
If not, ask twice as pitifully.
2.
When you wake up, the first thing you do is
Promise not to start
Nothing like what you will
Continue today you.
Before going to bed, ask for forgiveness
And promise not to do it
Nothing like what I did
You're here all day today
When you wake up, the first thing you do is
Promise not to continue...
Before going to bed, ask for forgiveness
And promise not to do...
3.
Often mom promises
Doesn't work
But don't be upset
Be offended and grumble.
If you have to do it
Mom everything I promised
That, I'm afraid, is a living place
You won't find it on your butt.
Grigory Oster
HARMFUL ADVICE 1, 2, 3, 4
Bad advice 1
A book for naughty children and their parents
Scientists have recently discovered that there are naughty children in the world who do everything the other way around. They are given helpful advice: “Wash your face in the morning” - they take it and don’t wash it. They are told: “Say hello to each other” - they immediately begin not to greet each other. Scientists have come up with the idea that such children should be given not useful, but harmful advice. They will do everything the other way around, and it will turn out just right.
This book is for naughty children.
Lost Child
Must remember that it's
They'll take you home as soon as
He will tell you his address.
We need to act smarter
Say: "I live
Near a palm tree with a monkey
On distant islands."
Lost child
If he's not a fool,
Will not miss the right opportunity
Visit different countries.
Hands never anywhere
Don't touch anything.
Don't get involved in anything
And don't go anywhere.
Move aside silently
Stand modestly in the corner
And stand quietly, without moving,
Until your old age.
Who hasn't jumped out of a window?
Together with my mother's umbrella,
That dashing parachutist
Doesn't count yet.
Don't fly like a bird
Above the excited crowd
Don't put him in the hospital
With a bandaged leg.
If the whole family goes swimming
You went to the river
Don't bother mom and dad
Sunbathe on the shore.
Don't start a scream
Give the adults a break.
Without pestering anyone,
Try to drown.
There is no more pleasant thing to do
What to pick your nose with.
Everyone is terribly interested
What's hidden inside?
And who is disgusted to look,
Let him not even look.
We don’t get in his way,
Let him not bother you either.
If your mom caught you
For what you love,
For example, while drawing
In the hallway on the wallpaper,
Explain to her what it is -
Your surprise for the Eighth of March.
The painting is called:
“Portrait of my dear mother.”
Don't take someone else's if
Strangers are looking at you.
Let them close their eyes
Or they’ll go out for an hour.
Why be afraid of your own people?
They won’t tell about their own people.
Let them look. Grab someone else's
And drag him to yours.
Never stupid questions
Don't ask yourself
Or even more stupid
You will find the answer to them.
If the questions are stupid
Appeared in my head
Ask them straight away to adults.
Let their brains crack.
Visit often
Theater buffet.
There are cakes with cream,
Water with bubbles.
Like firewood on plates
The chocolates are lying
And through a tube you can
Drink a milkshake.
Don't ask for tickets
To the balcony and to the stalls,
Let them give you tickets
To the theater buffet.
Leaving the theater
You will take it with you
Under a trembling heart,
In the stomach, a sandwich.
Born a girl - be patient
Trips and pushes.
And put your pigtails on everyone,
Who wouldn't mind pulling them?
But someday later
Show them the fig
And you will say: “Figurines, for you
I won’t get married!”
If you and your friends are together
Have fun in the yard
And in the morning they put it on you
Your new coat,
You shouldn't crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb fences
Hanging from nails.
So as not to spoil or stain
Your new coat,
We need to make it old.
This is done like this:
Get right into the puddle
Roll on the ground
And a little on the fence
Hang on nails.
Very soon it will become old
Your new coat,
Now you can calmly
Have fun in the yard.
You can safely crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb fences
Hanging from nails.
If you're down the hall
Ride your bike
And towards you from the bathroom
Dad went out for a walk
Don't turn into the kitchen
There is a solid refrigerator in the kitchen.
Better brake like dad.
Dad is soft. He will forgive.
If you are united forever,
Illuminated and lead,
Don't try to dodge
From movement to celebration.
Still will raise to work
And it will inspire you to heroism
You are great and mighty,
And our reliable stronghold.
The main business of your life
Any trifle can become a problem.
You just have to firmly believe
There is no more important matter.
And then it won't hurt
You are neither cold nor hot,
Choking with delight,
Do nonsense.
Hit frogs with sticks.
It is very interesting.
Tear off the wings of flies,
Let them run on foot.
Exercise daily
And a happy day will come -
you to some kingdom
They will be accepted as the chief executioner.
Girls should never be
Not to be noticed anywhere.
And don't give them a pass
Nowhere and never.
They need to put their feet up
Scare from around the corner
So that they immediately understand:
You don't care about them.
I met a girl - quickly
Stick your tongue out.
Let her not think
That you're in love with her.
Starting a fight with dad
Starting a fight with mom,
Try to surrender to your mother, -
Dad takes no prisoners.
By the way, find out from your mother,
Has she forgotten?
Beat prisoners on the butt with a belt
Prohibited by the Red Cross.
If you are the whole world of violence
Are you going to destroy
And at the same time you dream of becoming
Everything without being anything
Feel free to follow us
Along the paved road,
We will give you this path
We might even give in.
Don't settle for anything
With no one and never
And those who agree with you
Call them cowardly.
For this everyone will start you
Love and respect.
And you will have it everywhere
Full of friends.
If there are cockroaches in the kitchen
Marching around the table
And the mice are happy
There's a practice fight on the floor,
So it's time for you to go
Stop fighting for peace
And give up all your strength
To fight for purity.
If you are going to a friend
Often mom promises
Doesn't work
But don't be upset
Be offended and grumble.
If you have to do it
Mom everything I promised
That, I'm afraid, is a living place
You won't find it on your butt.
If you don't know arithmetic,
Your parents may deceive you.
They will say: “Eat, son, four spoons,” -
And they’ll slip in eight and a half.
This is the reason why many
Strong, well-fed boys
Since childhood they hate arithmetic.
If mom doesn't immediately
He will recognize you
Look who
Today you look like
And remember it
If you meet me in the forest,
You don't even need to get close
Approach such people.
If adults are sitting at the table
And they eat strawberry jam with cake,
And you were told to go to bed
And no one stood up for you,
Tell me goodbye, how in the yard
You found a mangy dead cat.
Yes, this cat won’t save you from sleep,
But it will spoil their appetite a little.
Be polite to your friends' mothers.
Say hello as you enter.
Don't say angry words.
Don't argue over trifles.
Stomp your feet and scream
You can't look at other people's mothers,
After all, each of us has
For this purpose its own.
If your mother took you to work,
So that you are not left alone in the apartment,
Try to behave in such a way that she
In parting, the chief boss said:
"I'm like children
Never saw it.
Of course you can't
Go to work.
You, with a child like this,
I need to stay at home
And hold his hands
Tied my legs."
From smoking you can mother
Wean it literally in a day,
If there are cigarettes in the morning
Dip into the chamber pot.
If grandma is tired
And sat down to rest,
Rumble over her loudly
A couple of pot lids.
Old lady dozing off
We need to cheer up in time -
Grandma will wake up right away
Lots of new, fresh energy.
If you're afraid at night
Stay in the dark
Take matches with you,
Before going to bed.
Set fire to the mattress, pillow
Blanket, sheet -
And you won't be afraid:
The room will become light.
If in old age
Are you going to die someday
And you will appear before God,
Tell him about
How did your mother drag you?
Early in the morning in kindergarten…
And to you for these torments
All your sins will be forgiven.
Take your walks
Go to another area
Because if at home
You will do them
Shocked neighbors
They can take an example from you,
And then on your block
It will become impossible to live.
If the girl gets a note
Send in “Russian”
And, having missed, you hit,
Suddenly the teacher in the forehead,
They might force you
Right in the classroom, at the blackboard,
Show everyone your way,
“Kiss” with Y.
If you fall head over heels in love,
Beware of unhappy love.
Why do you have to fall in love?
Definitely one?
It's better to fall in love with several -
Straightaway more likely,
That one of them will appreciate
Your heart is true.
If asked in class,
Where homework,
Answer what's wild
And off into the dense forest.
Don't wear a coat or jacket,
Don't wear socks
Run out into the cold and slush
Light from home.
Go without a hat, but shorts
Always take with you
So that if you suddenly catch a cold, you can
You can blow your nose in them.
Before you get on the bus,
Bandage your foot every time
And then the old lady has a place
You won't have to give in.
If you have dirty nails
Walk for two weeks
That's under every dirty nail
A terrible poison will start.
And when during a fight
Scratch the enemy
Silently he is in terrible torment
He will die before your eyes.
For example, you were stripped
And they want to soap
Wait, don't break out
Don't try to sneak away.
Expose your stomach and legs,
Let them lather up to your ears.
The more lathered you become,
The faster you'll slip away.
More often in the evening for dinner
Eat juicy watermelons
Washing them down with fizzy drinks
Sparkling water,
And then you constantly
Well, almost every night,
It will be a pleasant dream
About a babbling brook.
If dad's shirt
You decided to pet
And a little shirt
You're burned out
Can be done with scissors
From an unnecessary shirt
Cook for dad
Handkerchiefs.
If you were going to throw it away
Anything from my head
Look first, don't you?
There are small children nearby.
If behind your ears
The neighbors brought me home
To show mom
Why did you throw yourself at them at the windows?
Say that's all
Fell from their apartment
And, throwing yourself, you wanted
Honestly give them back what they lost.
Can little brother
Hit the brain with a scoop,
But then don't be surprised
That he won't understand you
If in fifteen years
Or let's say twenty years
Kindly ask your brother
Lend you a lemon.
If your shortcomings
It catches everyone's eye
So you haven't learned
To behave.
You about your behavior
It's time to think about it.
To catch everyone's eye
And scratching is not allowed.
No, well-mannered child
Doesn't catch your eye.
He behaves more modestly -
He will pinch and run away.
Leaving friends
Don't forget to say goodbye...
If they never forgive you,
You can shrug your shoulders.
Well, just think, a sofa
I splashed myself with ketchup,
You don’t put ketchup on the sofa -
They poured it on their plate.
Well, a little on the carpet
The eggplants are trampled
Is it really a carpet?
Them more expensive than a person?
And the jam on the wall
You didn't draw pictures,
They remember you as theirs
They only wrote the name.
Here are the salads from the table
You really pushed it.
But this is not out of malice,
And accidentally - with elbows.
They break the TV
Of course you didn't want to
They had him anyway
Not particularly good.
And hit the mirror with a ball
You never hit
It has a long crack
It was there from the very beginning.
And traces on the ceiling
You didn't leave anywhere,
You are your shoe
They threw it up a little.
AND computer mouse
You didn’t give it to the kitten,
They just let me play
Not for long and with a return.
And the phone from the balcony
They didn’t throw it at passers-by.
He fell into the street
Because it was heavy.
And no one kicks into the cake
I didn't intend to attack
You just needed
Remove from the chandelier balloon.
Who thought that she
It stuck so loosely...
It was necessary to strengthen
She wouldn't have fallen
On firefighters when they
Suddenly they came running through the window,
To put out the hanger
Near the door in the corridor.
There's a coat on the hanger
You didn't set anyone on fire,
Just for beauty
The candles were put in their pockets.
In the toilet with a hammer
You didn't break the tank.
It wasn't a hammer
And a bottle with something blue.
She's very slippery
For some reason it turned out.
That's why their toilet split.
And to those who are so touchy
And vindictive acquaintances
You yourself never
Don't visit again.
You have a wonderful, obedient child living at home who eats everything that is offered to him, cleans his bed and toys, takes a shower and brushes his teeth every day and regularly goes for a preventive examination to the dentist... which means you sleep and dream. There are no such children. Wake up. Take this book. And take it to your one and only bully. And all will be well.
There is no more pleasant thing to do
What to pick your nose with.
Everyone is terribly interested
What's hidden inside?
And who is disgusted to look,
Let him not even look.
We don’t get in his way,
Let him not bother you either.
If your mom caught you
For what you love,
For example, while drawing
In the hallway on the wallpaper,
Explain to her what it is -
Your surprise for the Eighth of March,
The painting is called:
"Portrait of my dear mother."
Born a girl - be patient
Trips and pushes.
And put your pigtails on everyone,
Who wouldn't mind pulling them?
But someday later
Show them the fig
And you will say: “Figurines, for you
I won't get married!"
If you and your friends are together
Have fun in the yard
And in the morning they put it on you
Your new coat,
So you shouldn't crawl in puddles,
And roll on the ground
And climb fences
Hanging from nails.
So as not to spoil or stain
Your new coat,
We need to make it old.
This is done like this:
Get right into the puddle
Roll on the ground
And a little on the fence
Hang on nails.
Very soon it will become old
Your new coat.Now you can calmly
Have fun in the yard.
You can safely crawl in puddles,
And roll on the ground
And climb fences
Hanging from nails.
Girls should never be
Not to be noticed anywhere.
And don't give them a pass
Nowhere and never.
They need to put their feet up
Scare from around the corner
So that they immediately understand:
You don't care about them.I met a girl - quickly
Stick your tongue out.
Let her not think
That you're in love with her.
Starting a fight with dad
Starting a fight with mom,
Try to surrender to your mother, -
Dad takes no prisoners.
By the way, find out from your mother,
Has she forgotten -
Beat prisoners on the butt with a belt
Prohibited by the Red Cross.
If they didn't buy you a cake
And they didn’t take us to the cinema in the evening,
You need to be offended by your parents
And go without a hat into the cold night.
But it's not easy to wander the streets,
And go into the dense dark forest.
There you will immediately meet a hungry wolf,
And, of course, he will quickly eat you.
Then mom and dad will know
They will scream, cry and run,
And they will rush to buy cake,
And they will take you to the cinema in the evening.
Look what's going on
In every house at night.
Turning his nose to the wall,
The adults lie silently.
They move their lips
In the pitch darkness
And with my eyes closed
The heel is jerked in your sleep.
Don't agree to anything
Go to bed at night
Don't let anyone
Putting you to bed.
Do you really want
My childhood years
Spend under the blanket
On a pillow, without pants?
There is a sure remedy
appeal to adults:
In the morning, start yelling and littering,
Eavesdropping, whining, running around the house,
Kicking and begging for gifts from everyone.
Be rude, cunning, tease and lie,
And in the evening suddenly stop for an hour, -
And immediately, looking with a touched smile,
All the adults will pat you on the head
And they will say that you are a wonderful boy
And there is no child nicer than you.
If you came to Yolka,
Demand your gift right away
Look, there's no candy
Santa Claus has not healed.
And don't you dare carefree
Bring home leftovers:
How mom and dad will run into you -
Half will be taken away.
If you broke a window,
Don't rush to admit it.
Wait - won't it start?
Suddenly there is a civil war.The artillery will strike
Glass will fly out everywhere
And no one will scold
For a broken window.
Never allow
Set a thermometer for yourself
And don't swallow pills,
And don't eat powders.
Let your stomach and teeth hurt,
Throat, ears, head,
Don't take any medicine anyway
And don't listen to the doctor.
The heart stops beating
But for sure
They won't stick mustard plaster on you
And they won't give you an injection.
If you're not sure yet
We have chosen a path in life
And you don't know why
Start your labor journey,
Break the light bulbs in the hallways -
People will thank you.
You will help the people
Save electricity.
If you were walking around wearing a hat,
And then she disappeared
Don't worry, mom is home
You can lie about something.
But try to lie beautifully,
So that, looking admiringly,
Holding my breath, mom
I listened to lies for a long time.But if you lied
About the lost hat
What is it in an unequal battle
A spy took it from you,
Try to mom
I didn’t go to be indignant
To foreign intelligence
They won't understand her that way.
If, while washing my son,
Mom suddenly discovers
That she is not washing her son,
And someone else’s daughter...
Don't let mom be nervous
Well, does she care?
There are no differences
Between dirty children.
