How to change your financial situation for the better? Money disputes in the family.

Money issue- one of the most conflict areas in the relationship between husband and wife. If only because it places the family on a certain social level. However, paradoxically, the amount of money in this matter does not play the main role. Reverse side psychologist Evgenia Zotkina examines the financial issue.

– When should young spouses start discussing a financial issue in order to prevent conflicts on this basis?

– Financial issues need to be discussed before marriage - where the family will live, where to get funds to support the family, who will be responsible for this. Different families exist according to different principles of financing: both spouses or only one can work; in some families, both spouses may not work, but receive income, say, from rent. And the views of one party on financial issues may not always coincide with the views of the future spouse. Here it is important to learn to negotiate, to discuss before marriage exactly the attitude towards money: do you need to constantly save for something, put it aside, do you need to have a stable salary or can you afford to work as a freelancer...

Money is a kind of equivalent of opportunity; it allows a person to realize his desires. One family has very little money to live on, while in another family there are conflicts over money despite seemingly complete prosperity. And very often this happens because during the premarital period the financial issue remained “outside the brackets.” Many women, before marriage, only pretend that they are satisfied with the standard of living that can be offered to them future spouse: for example, it is important for them to get married at all costs, or they are afraid of conflict, so they avoid the “slippery” issue. But when a woman gets married, it suddenly becomes clear that her husband’s income does not meet her expectations, and the relationship itself turned out to be far from her fantasies. And then interpersonal dissatisfaction comes to the fore, and it immediately becomes clear how the spouses actually treat each other.

– How to build relationships correctly so that the one who earns money does not become a dictator in the family?

– Diktat in the family does not arise out of nowhere; usually one of the spouses allows themselves to be treated this way. If such a model of relationship were unacceptable for one of the spouses, the relationship simply would not work out. Often a woman who is financially dependent on a man quietly hates him for her dependence. At the same time, she does nothing to become less dependent; she finds a bunch of excuses for herself. In such situations, it is not even the question of money that comes up, but the question of realizing one’s own psychological goals - such a woman would rather prefer to obey, suffer and humiliate herself than to be independent. If a woman treats herself with respect, she will be able to build a relationship with her husband in such a way that he will see: in fact, in their family there is an equal exchange of services - the husband brings money to the family, and she provides comfort in the house, cooks food and raises his children.

– Are there basic principles by which the family budget is formed?

– If spouses want to exist harmoniously, it is important that each partner has his own material space, his own pile of money, which he could manage as he wants, without reporting to the other. Each person has his own set of needs, and these needs may differ from the needs of another person. It’s great if the family has envelopes in which the spouses put aside some amounts for life, for a house, for a child’s education, and there is also a separate envelope for small expenses. As Oscar Wilde said: “I can live without what is necessary, but I cannot live without what is superfluous!”

For many couples, it is more important to get momentary pleasure - go to a restaurant and spend money on a delicious dinner, than to save for a large purchase, limiting yourself in everything. Typically, this lifestyle is characteristic of those people who have lived in abundance since childhood. The main thing is that the spouses have the same view on spending money, then conflicts on this issue will be minimized. When a person can afford to buy what he wants, even if it is some little thing, at that moment he feels rich, it gives him childish joy, which is very important. And when a person saves, for example, for Vacation home, during this period he feels poor because he cannot afford these little joys.

– Is it worth making a reserve “for a rainy day”? What is the best way to calculate this reserve?

– It all depends on how developed or undeveloped a sense of security is between the spouses. If a person has confidence in his future, he does not have to save. He, of course, does not know what will happen tomorrow, but he is internally confident that somehow everything will work out - he lives for today and feels great. For another person, such a position is unacceptable; he cannot sleep peacefully if he does not have any savings. Again, in a couple, it is very important that the views of the spouses are similar. Of course, if the husband lives for today, and the wife considers it unacceptable to live without savings, this will affect their relationship. Therefore, it is very important to discuss these issues before marriage.

There are two categories of rich people - rich people with temporary financial difficulties and “poor” people with money who could make their lives easier, but have been taught since childhood to save every penny. Usually these come from poor families; such people have a very hard time parting with money. It turns out that for this category of people, money is a kind of symbol of power, but at the same time they cannot use it. They live like poor people, although in fact they have money. And there are people who don’t have much money, but they live as if they have a lot - such people have inner feeling wealth. They are happy that with the help of money they can realize their dream, and are ready to part with it easily, for example, for the sake of some holiday. Such people who do not save anything, who have an easy attitude towards money, as a rule, always have some options, opportunities to live comfortably. And those who are wary of life are always waiting for a catch, saving for some unforeseen event, as a rule, and all sorts of financial troubles await.

- What is the difference? easy attitude to money from a frivolous person?

– Degree of criticality. A frivolous person spends money thoughtlessly, without limiting his spending, he loses his sense of reality, and then, when his family has nothing to eat, he says “how can this be?” A person who treats money lightly does not get hung up on it - he can afford to spend a certain amount money, but he knows how to replenish this resource. He has an adequate perception of reality.

- If financial situation family has changed dramatically - income has fallen sharply or increased sharply - both with the greatest psychological comfort readjust to new image life? Stress for a family is when there is money and suddenly it is gone, and the family experiences exactly the same stress when there was no money and suddenly it appeared in large quantities.

-There is no universal laws. The ability to analyze a situation is very important. Negative emotions have one big advantage - they trigger search activity, a person begins to think about how to change the situation. IN crisis situations You should always be positive. If there is no work, it’s not a problem, it’s just a temporary difficulty that can be dealt with. In such a situation, family members do not need to “hang dogs” on each other, blame themselves for financial crisis that happened to the family, it is important to show patience and support.

Oddly enough, sudden poverty is not the most difficult situation. In the second case, it is much more difficult to cope with the changes - people are used to saving, living modestly, and suddenly wealth falls on them. When people suddenly become rich, mentally they try to return to their previous way of life, they try to become poor again. Few people can easily enter a new rich life and start living with this wealth like a fish in water. Most often, a person feels lost, embittered at himself and at those around him, loses old friends and does not make new ones. For a wealthy person It is psychologically easier to find yourself without money than for a poor person to become rich.

– Is it possible to develop such an attitude towards money in yourself – not frivolous, but easy?

– When there is not enough money, it seems that life will become more joyful and happy if there is more of it. But this is an illusion. Human nature is such that he always wants more than he has. The image of a person who is in the endless realization of his desires was very accurately described by A.S. Pushkin in the fairy tale “About the Fisherman and the Fish”. Let us remember the old woman, for whom at first one trough was enough, and then even the pillar of the nobility was not enough. In order not to get caught up in your desires, it is important to build value priorities that are not related to acquisitions. In fact, a person doesn’t need that much in life.

First. Spend less than you earn ( those. your expenses).

Second. Save and/or invest the money that, as a result of following the first rule, remained in your arms.

Everything else they tell you about money is just an unnecessary complication of these rules. Let me tell you right away that buying a TV, a car and gold jewelry is not an investment. It often takes quite a long time to explain these banal truths to some people.

So let's take a look simple steps, which will help you improve your financial situation and become a wealthy person over time.

1. Organize your desires

I want to go on vacation. The child needs braces. I want a big plasma TV. You need to pay rent. I want a new car ( cooler than the neighbor's). I want to eat ( 3−5 times a day).

Do you understand the meaning?

Pay attention to what you spend your money on. Ask yourself - is this what you need, or is this what you just want?

Only by sorting it all out on the shelves can you protect yourself from buying everything in a row, those. spending all the money you have now - then how will you make investments?

2. Reduce monthly expenses

Have you received an internet bill? For the phone? Other accounts? Stack your bills and start calling all these companies. Ask them how you can lower your monthly payment or get a discount. Take every chance to reduce these costs.

Clue : if you have been using this or that service for a long time, then they will always meet you halfway. If they don’t, then feel free to change such an intractable service provider. Now is the time buyer, not the seller!

3. Reduce interest payments

If you have credit, especially if it is debt credit card (or microcredit - such as quick credit), then you ( a-priory) pay too high interest rates.

It doesn’t matter what the interest rate is today - it can always be lowered, and by much!

What you should do:

Contact your bank and ask to lower the rate on your loan. If they suddenly refuse you, you can mention their closest competitor, who is ready to offer you much better conditions.

If this doesn't help, just find another the bank that will offer you better conditions. There are now dozens, if not hundreds, of these.

4. Save and set aside $1,000
If you do not have a reserve of money, then any unexpected expenditure ( a toothache, there was an accident, a faucet was leaking, the children had to be sent to camp, they slipped...) becomes an emergency for your family budget.

How to “lay the straw” correctly?

But if you are ready for this, then the problem can be solved without much effort. Do everything you need to do - save and save ( better on a bank deposit) money to create your own " financial cushion" And under no circumstances touch them! Only in exceptional situations!

5. Use the money collected as a result of completing 1-4 points to repay existing loans early

This will give you a lot strong feeling pride in oneself beloved (y). And, in turn, will reduce your monthly expenses.

6. Write down all your income/expenses

This will allow you to clearly see your financial successes - in the form of the exact amount of money returned to the family budget.

7. Start working on the side

In your free time from work, start making money by selling your knowledge and experience. Become a freelancer - it's fashionable now! And it’s very simple, thanks to the widespread penetration of the Internet.

Think for a moment: What will you do first on this list? What are you already doing?

The correct attitude towards money must be instilled in children with early age, carefully weighing what you can and cannot talk about with them in the financial sphere...

CHILDREN AND THE FINANCIAL SITUATION OF THE FAMILY

On that day off, when we invited a nanny to babysit our six-year-old daughter for a few hours, our clothes dryer broke down.

Hearing that I was going to buy a new one, my daughter said:

Mom, I think we're spending too much money!

In her opinion, replacement dryer and paying for the nanny hired for her is “too much.” But where does she get such thoughts? One of two things: either she is very smart and tried to take advantage of the opportunity to persuade us to change our plans, or she is truly concerned about our financial situation. Is a child of this age capable of assessing such situations? Perhaps my husband and I behaved incorrectly with her and talked in front of our daughter about things that she didn’t need to know about?

I decided to consult with good specialist and called clinical psychologist Dr. Brad Klontz, who wrote an entire book on the topic. He took the time for a consultation, during which he explained to me in detail what can and cannot be communicated to children when it comes to money.

It is impossible in front of a child, he said, to utter a phrase that is difficult for him to understand: “I just can’t imagine how to pay the bills this month!” Children cannot help us with this. But they perfectly capture the alarming notes in the parent’s voice. And they react to this, as a rule, by experiencing unaccountable fear and anxiety. In general, we must try not to overload the minds of children with financial information, without discussing in their presence circumstances that they cannot somehow influence...

The conversation turned out to be long. I will try to retell its essence here.

By saying “there is no need to overload the consciousness of children,” Dr. Klontz, of course, meant caution and prudence of parents in choosing topics of communication with each other in front of their children. But in no case should they be excluded from the family “context”.

Since the child’s psyche is a sensitive “mechanism” that senses the slightest fluctuations in the home atmosphere, hide everything from him family difficulties- it’s also impossible. Silence will give the same result - nervousness will appear in the child’s behavior. A rich child’s imagination can paint him such pictures of events supposedly developing in the house, hidden from his view, that it would never even occur to an adult.

Therefore, it is very important literally from the “cradle” to establish kind, trusting relationship. If there is trust between you and your child, then if the family is beset by adversity, you can explain the situation to him at a level accessible to his age. Calmly tell him that dad, for example, lost his job and is trying to find a new one. And be sure to emphasize: “We, of course, will cope. But we will all have to be patient for a while and not buy, for example, new toys. I'll have to give up hiring a cleaning lady. Here I also count on your help...”

Such a frank, friendly conversation will not scare the children and will unite the family.

How to behave if a son or daughter asks their father or mother about the amount of their earnings?

Personally, I would never answer this question. Of course, I wouldn’t say: “This doesn’t concern you.” But I would try to slip away from the topic raised as delicately as possible.

But Dr. Klontz has a different opinion.

Sometimes teenage patients ask me, who is essentially a stranger, about my income,” he says. - And I don’t hesitate to tell you how much I earn. There is nothing to be ashamed of...

We all know that in society it is not customary to share information about who has what income. And children, as you yourself understand, can, without attaching any importance to this, pass on the information received from their parents to their friends, who then pass on to their parents.

Well, in in this case You have to choose between two evils - the lesser. If you don't talk to your children about family income, Klontz says, they may get the impression that having a lot of money or, on the contrary, little is shameful. If such thoughts become entrenched in a child's mind, it is unlikely to benefit him in the future when the time comes to decide how he will earn a living.

The doctor is sure that the question addressed to parents about salary must be answered. Another thing is that you can tell the child that this family secret and ask him not to tell anyone about this.

Many parents, who are rarely at home because they have to work late, when their children reproach them for rarely going out and lacking parental attention, answer something like this: “I work to pay for your studies ( kindergarten), so that you can attend a club, study in sports section..." Without realizing that in this way they place a burden of responsibility on the child.

This should not be done under any circumstances. I must say: “Work is very important to me. And as soon as I have free time, we will definitely spend it together. In the meantime, think about where we will go and what we will do.”

Many disputes with children often arise before the holiday of Purim, when the child needs carnival costume. “Why do you need this particular outfit! - Mom is indignant. - No, it’s too expensive for us...”

Dr. Klontz advises solving this problem in a more peaceful way that does not force the child to suffer and make unflattering assumptions for you.

It is necessary to firmly report, using facts, that you have allocated such and such an amount from the budget for costumes for the holiday. And offer children a choice: either they will find something cheaper, or with your help, of course, they will make carnival outfit with your own hands. It’s even better if parents themselves initiate such a conversation long before the holiday and discuss the necessary details with their children.

Children,” says Dr. Klontz at the end of our conversation, “very early begin to understand that the ability to buy something is connected with money. And if you don’t discuss money problems in the family with them, they, receiving fragmentary information from the outside (from friends, neighbors, etc.) and observing how their parents behave in order to earn and spend money “wisely,” draw their own conclusions. As a rule - incorrect. After all, their analytical abilities are very limited. If parents do not correct their ideas about money in time, with age they will only become confirmed in their erroneous opinion...

If a child grew up, for example, in low-income family, he, according to Brad Klontz, may have a strong opinion that no matter how much money you earn, there is always not enough money. When such children become adults, their ingrained misconceptions about money transform into well-known behavioral stereotypes. Either they are “workaholics” who save money and are afraid to spend it, or they are spenders (“why keep track of money if it’s still not enough?”).

Regardless of the size of the family budget, it is important to instill in children from an early age right attitude to money. And the most important thing in this process is to accustom them to the idea that expenses need to be planned and that such planning is based on measuring life values.

Let's say a child asks his parents to buy him expensive toy. Even if family income allows you to do this without the slightest damage, do not rush to satisfy every demand. From time to time it is necessary to demonstrate that he cannot have everything he wants. However, when refusing, be sure to explain why his desire is now impossible to fulfill. If you, for example, are planning to travel with your whole family during your vacation, this is perfect occasion for refusing a toy. Tell your son (or daughter) about your plans and emphasize that you need money for the trip. Therefore, now you purchase only the essentials. To then provide all family members with the opportunity to have a good rest.

Experiencing such episodes, children, among other things, learn to build a system of priorities and learn a fundamental life principle: “the interests of the family (team, society) are higher than the (momentary) interest of the individual.”

Material from the MoneyWatch website

Adapted translation from English

Sarah Lorge Butler,

Every family experiences periods when money is sorely lacking. To solve this problem, someone is trying to cut costs to a minimum, someone is swearing and finding out who is to blame, and someone is trying on our own correct the situation. Perhaps my experience will be useful topics, whose financial situation temporarily leaves much to be desired.

Financial crisis

Before the birth of the child, I worked in a good job, my husband had his own established business. There was actually enough money. Well, maybe not to the Maldives 5 times a year, but for several years, without denying ourselves anything, we saved up for an apartment. And then I went on maternity leave and our daughter was born. And a couple of months later the great and terrible global crisis of 2008 broke out. To say that it was hard for me is to say nothing. Me after giving birth, in my arms infant, there is a hormonal storm in the head of a nursing mother. And my husband’s business is collapsing, which he has been building, brick by brick, for the last 12 years.

At first it seemed to me that this was some kind of horrible dream, and just a little more, and I will wake up. But time passed, nothing changed. We were sorely short of money - everything we earned in long years, was invested in the apartment. At first I'm like faithful wife, tried to be a support for my beloved. She supported and was sad with him. I even admit, we cried a couple of times out of hopelessness. But time passed, my daughter grew up. I wanted my baby to be dressed no worse than others, I wanted to study with her in a children's development center, and for myself, to be honest, I wanted new clothes and that almost forgotten feeling of confidence in tomorrow.

Finding a way out

The next stage was despair. I understood that what was happening would last for a long time, and in order to survive, I needed to radically change something in my life. The husband, with manic persistence, continued to go to work and try to earn at least some pennies as before. This income was so low that, even playing a little online backgammon, he used to receive an order of magnitude more money than in the office. He, of course, was also upset and worried. I still remember with horror how he practically did not sleep for two weeks, trying to figure out ways to adjust his business to the changed realities. But nothing worked. I cried all day long and painted pictures of future poverty. I felt sorry for my daughter to the point of tears - so long-awaited and desired, for whom I dreamed of providing a decent future.

After crying all the tears I could, I felt angry. I stayed at home and did everything in my power to ensure that my child grew and developed normally. Isn't this work? I fed, played, took to centers early development, for infant swimming and massage. For the first year of my life, literally, I didn’t raise my head, managing to create comfort in the apartment and invent delicious dinners from an incomprehensible set of products. And my husband didn’t bother too much. After serving the required eight hours in the office, he came home, played with his daughter, ate and sat down at work. computer games. And the fury woke up in me. Now, 5 years later, I am ashamed to remember how I behaved - I threw up ugly scandals with screaming and breaking dishes, I insulted my husband last words, calling him a parasite and a loser, I reproached him with every piece of bread, reminding him that he had not earned it. The only thing I can say now in my defense is that I am extremely ashamed, and I will carry the burden of this guilt in my soul for a long time. Relations with my husband began to deteriorate rapidly. He stayed late at work, trying to return home when my daughter and I were already asleep, stopped chatting with me about all sorts of intimate topics, and all those charming little little things that make the union of two adults a family began to disappear from our lives.

Begin with yourself

And then I got scared. I was afraid that I would lose his trust, friendship and love. No, I knew that he wouldn’t leave me - he loved his daughter too much, but I also didn’t want to live in an apartment with a complete stranger. There was no exit. I decided to earn money myself. At least some pennies to improve your financial situation. Alas, the first experience was unsuccessful. Without calculating my strengths, and without practical trading experience, I bought a batch of goods with a large sum borrowed from my parents, and then barely sold them at cost. Thanks a lot to our relatives - they supported us greatly then. By at least, I didn’t have to think about food for the child - the grandmothers did everything possible to ensure that the baby ate normally. And later, when I, with difficulty, bit by bit, gave back the borrowed money, no one reproached me with a word or a look, or laughed at the stupidity.

My husband met my financial collapse stoically. He didn’t reproach or scold, for which I will always be very grateful to him. But he didn’t want to make money himself. Somehow it turned out that most of our friends had a similar situation. And he, seeing that most families lived the same way, took it for granted. I didn’t try to change anything, I just felt sad and gave in to despair. I didn’t give up, looking for new options for making money. No longer risking getting involved in trade that requires large financial investments, I turned my attention to the Internet. I found an opportunity to earn money without investment. Starting your career path, I was counting on a small, symbolic income - but I was happy even with these pitiful crumbs, and was ready to work for them all my free time.

And gradually things progressed. I tore my veins, working at night, adding penny to penny, not sleeping or eating, but after a couple of months I tripled, and after six I increased tenfold the initial amount of earnings. I no longer argued with my husband - I simply didn’t have the strength for it. Daughter, home, work and blessed nap, which you begin to dream about only when you wake up. In rare free moments, I was just wondering how long I would last in this mode, and what we would all do when I finally collapsed.

Looking at how I worked, my husband even somehow became quiet. And then, secretly, without informing me, he began to look for new job. I picked up old connections, visited distant acquaintances, searched, asked, tried myself, now in one thing, now in another. For some time I even worked as a loader, because I simply couldn’t find anything else. But in the box where we kept money for the household, besides mine, his contribution began to appear. After some time, quantity grew into quality. He was offered a good position with the opportunity career growth. And only then did he admit that all this time, it turns out, he was not sitting idly by, but was looking for something suitable. Of course, the new position was not as good as his own company had been in its heyday, and the salary was much more modest. But stability and at least a little confidence in the future made this option quite attractive. And literally a couple of weeks after the start of his new labor activity, I found out that I was pregnant.

More than two years have passed since then. Our youngest daughter is already running and trying to talk. My husband works successfully, and so do I. My work, which began as a way to get rid of need, has drawn me in, and I can no longer imagine myself without sitting in front of a monitor every day. Do we have enough money? Having two little princesses, they will never be enough, but we look into the future with confidence, and allow ourselves small modest joys - rare dinners in cozy restaurants, relaxation on the seashore, a hobby that requires a lot of time and money, but also brings in return just overwhelmingly positive. And, most importantly, I believe that now that we have gone through one of the most unpleasant chapters of our lives together, everything will be fine with us. The main thing is not to blame someone else for the misfortune that has befallen you, but simply start doing what you consider necessary. And then understanding loving partner He will definitely share the heavy burden with you and try to grow to your level.