Can't Have Children: The story of a childless couple who were able to accept this fact with humor. “I can’t have children”: how to survive my sister’s pregnancy How to live if you can’t have children

You met a person with whom you are ready to start a family. One thing - you are not destined to endure and give birth to a child. This diagnosis is a blow to most women. It is even harder when a sister is preparing to become a mother. Journalist Alyssa Lynn talks about how a barren woman feels when everyone around is talking about children. How to cope with painful experiences, advises psychologist Ksenia Ulyanova.

At the age of 12, I found out that I could not have children. Over time, I got used to this idea, but sometimes it becomes clear: I have not really come to terms with this.

Now my older sister is expecting a baby. My parents will soon have their first grandchild. My younger sister and I will be aunts for the first time. My parents are crazy about happiness, others share their delight. My sister had no other topics to talk about. Everything she says is related to pregnancy in one way or another.

It tired me out quite a bit. I'm tired of constantly hearing about pregnancy and the unborn child. But my sister sends me pictures of her growing belly every week. I am glad that I am participating in this wonderful event, but at times it becomes hard for me.

When the parents found out that their sister was pregnant, they burst into tears of happiness. Since then, their eyes have been constantly glowing. It reminds me that I won't be able to give them the same joy. I was consumed by despair and hopelessness, it prevents me from adequately communicating with others.

The birth is coming soon, so we are preparing a celebration in honor of the birth of the child. True, the further, the more this event reminds me of window dressing - relatives are trying too hard to surpass everything that they saw on this topic in social networks. And the abundance of gifts, children's things and constant conversations and disputes on the theme of the holiday and children drives me into depression. And it's getting harder and harder to get involved.

What should I do now? The only thing I can do is worry, talk and write about it. I have infertility, which is not easy to come to terms with at any age and in any circumstances. I don't blame my sister or anyone else.

Sometimes I don't even remember my infertility

Sometimes I don't even remember my infertility. At other times, it reminds of itself. Nobody is to blame for this. I am very glad that my nephew will be born soon. I love him in advance.

Now there are different options for families who cannot have their own child. I, like others like me, am not hopeless. Even if at times it seems that nothing can be changed, this is not a reason to give up. Even if there are no simple solutions for us, we can talk and share our experience. Therefore, I allow myself to mourn and talk about my trouble. You are not alone.

"You have every right to be sad"

What will help to cope and survive your own infertility? Advises psychologist Ksenia Ulyanova.

You are in a situation that you cannot change. Do not drive your thoughts and feelings deep inside. You need to understand them and accept them.
You have every right to be sad, angry, worry, despair. You are free to experience the full range of negative emotions. But do not get hung up on experiences - this is a destructive state. You don't have to think like a victim. It feeds pain and provokes psychosomatic illnesses. It is important to deal with frustration, which does not allow you to fully live on.
Do not withdraw into yourself: discuss the problem with loved ones or contact a psychologist to sort out your feelings. You can't keep the pain inside. In addition, you will have to do a lot of independent work. Rely on the tips below.

• Understand that projecting your position onto others is a vicious circle. Today the sister became pregnant, tomorrow the neighbor, then on the street you will meet a woman with a tummy - that's it, a breakdown is guaranteed. If a person has not accepted the current situation, he will experience suffering every time.
• Stop blaming yourself. Even without children, you remain a complete person and can be happy. Think about which path you want to take in the new environment.
• Write down a plan for a year, five, ten years ahead. This will help you understand that you have a choice: adopt a child, find a man with children, resort to surrogacy.
• Shift the focus from motherhood and realize yourself in a career, devote yourself to creativity or a hobby. Doing what you love is a powerful source of joy and inspiration, which makes it possible to feel the taste of life again.
• Get involved in charity work. There are many people around who need your help: children from orphanages, grandparents in nursing homes, lonely neighbors. Charitable organizations will gladly accept a volunteer, and your life will be filled with meaning.

“I can’t get pregnant, although there are no health problems” - more and more modern women complain about the inability to have a child for psychological reasons. In such cases, doctors shrug their shoulders: from the point of view of physiology, everything is in order with the woman, but for some reason pregnancy does not occur. The author Daily Baby, together with experienced specialists, figured out what psychological infertility is, who is susceptible to it and how to deal with it.

Psychological infertility is not a myth

In order to conceive and endure a baby, physical health alone is not enough. It is important that future parents deal with their psychological problems and be ready for a new stage in life. What does it mean?

Imagine: a couple dreams of a child. Within a few months, young people take tests, go to doctors and prepare to become parents. Experts issue a verdict: you are perfectly healthy and can have children. However, weeks, months, maybe even years pass, and pregnancy does not occur. From a medical point of view, a couple is considered infertile if they do not have a child within a year of regular unprotected intercourse.

So what's the deal if both partners are physically healthy? Having learned such a couple closer, you can see: the girl is terribly afraid of childbirth and the very fact of the appearance of a new person in herself. A man can worry about finances - he doesn’t get much, but you still have to pay a loan for a car. Both sincerely want a child, but somewhere deep inside they put blocks: “we can’t do it”, “it’s not time yet, we have too many problems” and “I’m afraid”.

Oksana Naumova, a clinical psychologist with a specialization in systemic psychosomatic therapy RECALL HEALING, a 2nd stage Gestalt therapist (specialization in Trauma Therapy in the Gestalt Approach), comments.

- Infertility is a complex of various psychological and physiological factors that lead to a violation in human reproduction. When, against the background of physiological health, a couple cannot conceive and bear a child, they talk about a possible psychological reason.

Infertility is both male and female. It can be caused by internal contradictions regarding the birth of children, conflicts with parents, partners, age crises, the desire to build a career.

The birth of children can interfere with such plans. The high level of infantilism of future parents, various fears become a serious obstacle to the realization of the dream of becoming parents.

A symptom is always a consequence, it is necessary to clarify what it comes from, what precedes it.

Perinatal psychologist, doula and mother of four children Yulia Plotnikova also believes that infertility often has a psychological basis.

- A self-sufficient, beloved and loving person, who has been surrounded by care and attention since childhood, has less risk of psychological infertility. If from childhood there were some problems in the family, upbringing, relationships with others, there is a possibility of difficulties with conception. Very often, a woman of childbearing age, healthy and full of strength, is simply not mentally ready for motherhood. Her parents, husband, society put pressure on her: she needs to give birth. And she doesn't seem to mind, but it doesn't work. Nature is amazingly smart. The body feels: something is not right, there is some danger from the outside, this is not the time to get pregnant. These clamps need to be removed by visiting not a gynecologist, but a psychologist or even a psychotherapist, Yulia explains.

By the way, some psychologists prefer not to use the word "infertility". They replace it with the term "unfulfilled desire to have a child." After all, psychological infertility is quite easy to treat, so this diagnosis is temporary and implies that the couple cannot yet conceive a baby.

Some experts are sure that infertility has a psychosomatic nature. The inability to conceive a child is seen in this case as a reaction to a psychological or emotional conflict.

- As long as the problem does not go beyond the scope of psychology, a person does not get sick. But as soon as it passes into the category of physiology, the brain transfers the conflict to the body, and the disease begins to develop. Many illnesses are nothing more than a biological interaction between the part of the brain that controls the problematic organ and that organ itself, which contains the biological conflict. There is a theory that there are no accidents in life. Psychological infertility often signals unpreparedness for the appearance of a baby. The body, as it were, gives people time to rethink their life priorities and realize: are we ready to become parents?

It also happens that a couple despairs of becoming pregnant and adopts a child. And after some time, the couple give birth to a joint baby. This is neither an accident nor a pattern. After all, the reasons stored inside each of the couple are resolved in due time or not resolved, says Oksana Naumova.

Why doesn't it work?

There are many psychological causes of infertility. Here are just some of them:

• fear of responsibility and unwillingness to change your life because of the baby,
• fear of childbirth
• lack of trust in a partner
• subconscious fear of spoiling the figure, getting stretch marks and tears,
• financial trouble and, as a result, uncertainty about the future,
• lack of confidence that you can become a good parent for your child,
• psychological immaturity: “I am still a child myself, what kind of children do I have”,
• pressure from others: everyone is forcing me to grow up and have an heir. The body includes protection: in principle I will not follow the lead of “everyone”.

- Each person is the keeper of all or part of the family history, what he heard, saw, experienced.

Everyone is faced with numerous family, social and mental phenomena and processes, trying to find integrity with the appearance of meaning in their existence. “I don’t want to be who I am”: this situation can be the cause of infertility, when a woman unconsciously tries to prevent the appearance of offspring in order to interrupt the lineage, of which she is ashamed. Another psychosomatic aspect of infertility may be the following: "not being the way your parents want you to be." This is such an unconscious protest against parents, says psychologist Oksana Naumova.

According to Oksana, civil marriage can become the cause of infertility, because any woman needs stability and security. And the birth of a child in an unsafe environment is a serious stress for the expectant mother.

- The events of the surrounding world in which a woman is located can affect the functioning of her reproductive system.

The phenomenon of wartime amenorrhea is known, when women did not have menstruation. The female body received a command: “not the time for conception” and stopped working as nature tells it to. Nothing seems to threaten the woman and the descendant, and the “on” button is not pressed.

In peacetime, women feel no less danger and unconsciously do not allow themselves to become pregnant, for example, during an economic crisis. Especially if a woman has financial difficulties, - explains the psychologist.

Often a woman has a fear of pain, a fear of dying during childbirth or losing a baby. This can be especially acute if such cases have already been in the family.

- The unconscious feeling that motherhood is grief can contribute to an internal rejection of it.

There are cultures in which the birth of boys is welcomed and the attitude towards a woman depends on the gender of the child she gave birth to. Unconscious fear of becoming pregnant with a girl can suppress reproduction. Religious attitudes also influence the realization of the maternal sphere. Women are emotional creatures, they clearly feel the attitude towards themselves in society and realize this through their reproductive behavior. One of the important components of the psychological factors of infertility is the motivational conflict in the psyche of a woman. She does everything to get pregnant, while there is no place for the child in her outer and inner spaces. Often it is important for a woman not to lose face, she asks herself the question: can I become a good mother? This is very unnerving for the expectant mother. Anxiety, fear - all this negatively affects the ability to get pregnant, - explains Oksana Naumova.

Julia Plotnikova is sure: it is important to solve psychological problems that prevent getting pregnant in time. After all, they accumulate and form a huge snowball, which over time is more and more difficult to cope with.

- One of the possible causes of psychological infertility is distrust of a partner. A woman either cannot choose a permanent life partner at all, or does not really trust the man who is in her life.

Many psychosomatic situations arise from this, interfering with a calm conception. Sometimes there is a vicious circle. A woman is trying to get pregnant, she doesn’t succeed right away, and fear appears: what if I don’t succeed at all. There are many questions: why does it not work? What is wrong with me? All this negatively affects reproductive function and it becomes even more difficult to get pregnant.

A woman may be afraid of a new role. What will happen when she becomes a mother? There is a fear of losing independence, freedom, status and position in society. How to deal with a child? How to survive childbirth? In what direction will my life change? There are a lot of fears. Such unconscious fears give rise to psychological clamps in the body, contribute to the production of “wrong” hormones that prevent conception. If a person subconsciously feels these fears, naturally, the body is filled with clamps and hormones that do not allow you to relax and live here and now, says Yulia.

Constant tension and the race for the result, in this case, for two stripes on the test - all this only exacerbates the situation. If a woman is obsessed with the idea of ​​getting pregnant, and all lovemaking with her husband comes down to only one thing: to conceive a baby, this can backfire. Failure leads to more fear, then the next failure happens, the fear intensifies. It turns out a snowball. Psychological infertility often arises when attempts to have a child go from quivering expectation to the category of “should” and “should”.

Do men have psychological infertility?

Psychological reasons for the inability to conceive a child in women are much more common than in men. They are more diverse and wider, but, in general, are similar.

- Men are still more often infertile physiologically. However, there are psychological reasons why a spouse may not be able to conceive a baby. A man, for example, is not afraid to give birth, but he may be afraid that his beloved woman will die during childbirth, especially if there have been such cases in the history of his family, says Oksana Naumova.

So, a man unconsciously at the right time for conception can avoid sexual contact, thereby preventing a woman from becoming pregnant.

- During meetings with a psychologist, a specialist identifies the reasons that prevent conceiving or bearing a child. It is very important to understand what exactly prevents this couple from becoming parents. Sometimes it happens that men, without realizing it and not wanting it, become the main cause of the psychological infertility of their beloved wife. Sometimes a man does not understand his wife, does not know how or does not want to support his wife at such a crucial moment in life. The indifference and detachment of the husband lead the woman to the idea that she does not want to have children. It also happens that a man subconsciously or even consciously does not want children from a particular woman or does not want to become a father at all. In this case, his body can produce antibodies that reduce the quality of sperm or sperm motility, explains Oksana Naumova.

What to do?

If during the diagnosis it turns out that from a physiological point of view, the couple is doing well, it is recommended to look for the causes of infertility at consultations with a perinatal psychologist. The specialist will reveal the true reasons for the inability to conceive a baby and help overcome fears.

- Take care of yourself, eat well, exercise, practice good sleep and rest, avoid stress. In addition to psychotherapy, other methods can be used, such as acupuncture. And be sure to work with a professional psychologist: he will help you overcome all fears and complexes, Oksana Naumova advises.

The specialist is sure: it is important to understand that a child is not only difficulties, but also a great happiness. Then the female body will “accept” the pregnancy and “agree” to bear the baby.

Psychologist Yulia Plotnikova adds: sometimes you just need to “let go” of the situation and relax as much as possible.

- As soon as a woman accepts the situation, relaxes and stops worrying about not being able to get pregnant, she succeeds. Children come at the very moment when parents are most joyful, when they are filled with calmness, peace and love. When they do not worry, but live here and now. Even physiological problems with conception can be explained in psychology. They are often associated with a woman's failure to accept her role: she is ashamed of herself, her physiology, femininity, sexuality. All these complexes and clamps must be removed, then the long-awaited pregnancy will definitely come.

• There are no more “old-timers”, but the risk of infertility increases with age
• Having a baby after seven circles of hell, or why I believe in miracles
• “The first time everyone goes to the store for a gift.” Mothers' stories about the difficulties of IVF
• "Hormones do not agree with the modern prioritization of women"
• From egg freezing to operations: what women go to so as not to remain childless

Question to the psychologist:

Hello! My name is Asya! I work from home. I can not leave the house for 5 days, lazy person). Mostly I communicate with people on the phone, there is very little live communication. My husband and I have been married for 7 years, we love each other very much, but unfortunately there are no children. We swear very rarely, but aptly). By nature, I am calm, but if I don’t like something, I can flare up, express it and get angry during the day, but then I forget this bad situation (work) forever. There are health problems, for 2 years I cannot cure viral herpes type 2, the treatment was carried out in courses, but herpes is always in the blood as in an active state, i.e. IGM. Weakened immunity (according to the results of the analysis). Tired of taking pills. There is also stress before meeting friends, all friends already have children, and I am ashamed when the conversation is about children, I notice that my husband is thinking, and my heart hurts and even sometimes I don’t want to go anywhere. In April 2018, they did IVF, the first 7 days were calm, after that I started doing tests, I read in the forum that with IVF the test shows earlier, but the test did not show 2 strips for a long time, after 2 weeks my husband and I went to take hCG, showed a small figure, the attending physician said that most likely it was an empty fetal egg, there was strong stress and bleeding began slowly, a week later she passed hCG again, it had already doubled, but could not be saved. There was a lot of stress and apathy. Now I am getting ready to transfer the embryo again, but the fear does not leave me, I have no faith that it will turn out, I don’t know what to do. Can a psychologist help?

The psychologist Pronina Tatyana Viktorovna answers the question.

Hello Asya! Yes, a psychologist can help. But you don't need help. You need to contact a perinatal psychologist who will help you identify the psychosomatic causes of your infertility and miscarriage.

I have a few questions for you on two topics:

1. How do you feel about sexual relations, about sex? Is there any shame, hostility at the mention of this topic? How do you feel when your husband asks for intimacy?

These are not idle questions. By answering them (to yourself), you can understand the nature of your herpes. If there is shame, hostility, if you consider sex and genitals "dirty", or consider sex as something sinful, then this is the cause of your illness. It is necessary to change the attitude to sex, to a partner, to yourself.

2. You wrote "... all my friends already have children, but I'm ashamed ..." What are you ashamed of? Where did this feeling come from? Maybe you heard from your mother about shame when she talked about children, in particular about you?

As I see from your story, the problem of your "I can't have children" lies precisely in the fact that you are ashamed to have children (of course, I can be wrong). This problem sits deep in the subconscious, which is why repeated work with a psychologist is needed. Finding the problem and working through it, you can easily get pregnant and bear the child yourself. What I wish you with all my heart!

Of course, couples without children are becoming more and more common these days. What can you do if people choose to live together only for their own pleasure ... Nevertheless, such couples are in the minority. Almost all family people sooner or later come to the conclusion that they need to have a baby. But not always a regular sexual life ends with the conception of a long-awaited baby. And after some time of fruitless attempts, the spouses think, what is wrong? It is most reasonable in such a situation to seek medical help, and not torment yourself with thoughts why I cannot have children, what are the reasons for this and what to do.

Doctors assure that in the absence of pregnancy for a long time, despite a regular sex life, you need to contact the doctors as soon as possible. Perhaps the cause of such infertility are factors that can be easily corrected, provided they are detected and treated in a timely manner.

I found out that I can’t have children ... Reasons

In fact, there are many factors that can cause infertility. Quite often, the impossibility of conception is determined by violations in the activity / state of the reproductive system itself:

Improper functioning of the ovaries;
- obstruction or absence of fallopian tubes;
- the state of the uterus (irregular shape, diseases);
- state of the uterine cervix.

But this is not all the reasons for the lack of pregnancy. Long-awaited conception may become impossible with:

Immunological pathologies (rejection of sperm or even own eggs);
- all kinds of disorders in the activity of the endocrine system (disturbances in the work of the hypothalamic-pituitary region, thyroid gland, reproductive system, etc.);
- genetic abnormalities.

It is worth noting that a woman may face the problem of infertility against the background of stress and other psychological factors. It is almost impossible to cope with such a factor on your own, it is better to seek advice from a qualified psychologist or even a psychotherapist.

Can't have children: man

In fact, the reason for the absence of a long-awaited pregnancy may also lie in a man. Representatives of the stronger sex are also subject to all sorts of pathologies that can disrupt their reproductive function. In principle, the basis of male infertility can be:

Insufficiently complete spermatozoa (when their mobility and viability are impaired);
- a significant reduction in the number of spermatozoa;
- defective promotion of spermatozoa.

There are many factors that can cause these situations:

Congenital pathologies, all kinds of genetic failures;
- transferred infections, inflammatory processes, injuries;
- varicocele - an ailment in which the veins of the testicles and the spermatic cord expand;
- all kinds of sexual problems (inadequate erection, untimely ejaculation, etc.);
- pathologies of the immune system (for example, the immune system attacks its own spermatozoa);
- Carrying out certain medical manipulations, for example, operations, chemotherapy, etc.

It is worth noting that infertility can be observed with lifestyle disorders:

Nicotinic, drug, alcohol addiction;
- exposure to environmental factors (radiation, pesticides);
- lack of certain nutrients;
- overheating of the testicles.

What to do if pregnancy does not occur?

Doctors recommend seeking medical help if a couple actively engages in unprotected sex for a year, but pregnancy does not occur. After consultation with a specialist, readers of "Popular about Health" will need to undergo a complete examination of the body: take tests - blood, spermogram, vaginal smear, etc. Ultrasound, endoscopic procedures, etc. may be necessary.

As medical practice shows, it is quite possible to cope with most causes of infertility if adequate and timely therapy is provided. So, hormonal factors can be successfully corrected with specially selected hormonal drugs. Such medicines are really able to normalize the activity of the ovaries and activate the production of female sex cells.

Also, modern methods of medicine allow you to cope with other factors that led to female or male infertility. But even if such treatment is not effective, spouses should not despair. You can become the parents of a long-awaited baby using artificial insemination techniques. So, today in clinics it is practiced:

in vitro fertilization (known by the abbreviation IVF);
- intracytoplasmic sperm injection (known as ICSI);
- performing insemination.

So, during IVF, female eggs are fertilized by male spermatozoa outside the woman's body - in laboratory conditions. After fertilization, doctors wait for the successful growth of the embryo and plant it inside the woman's uterine cavity, where it is fixed and develops.

The ICSI technique is usually performed for male infertility. The doctor selects the fastest sperm and implants it inside the egg. Usually the ICSI technique is combined with IVF.

During insemination, the partner's sperm is injected directly into the uterus or cervical canal. The procedure is completely painless and most often does not require any special preparation, it is simply performed on the days of ovulation. Sometimes doctors recommend that it be carried out against the background of superovulation, which is achieved with the help of hormonal stimulation.

Fortunately, modern medicine is able to help many couples who are faced with the problem of infertility.

The modern stereotype of the “correct family” is “mom + dad + children”. The rest is a deviation from the "norm". The Orthodox media have gone particularly far in this direction: the typical Christian "cell of society" strives for many children. Well, without children, a family is like not a family at all. Is it really that simple from a Christian point of view? After all, childlessness can be different: conscious and unwanted, physiological and psychological, temporary and the one that is “forever”.

In addition, nothing is written about children in the Creed. So, in the life of a Christian, they are not the main thing. In general, it is necessary to understand. Let's try...

What to do if there are no children, and the desire to give birth does not leave the woman? What if it is impossible to find the cause of infertility? How does a woman who has lost a child feel, who hears “you will still give birth healthy”? Does faith help solve the problem? How should relatives behave so as not to hurt a couple who do not have children? How to congratulate a long-awaited pregnancy?

"We are trying"

We sometimes didn’t want to live from tactless questions and advice from relatives and friends, - says Victoria (32 years old, waiting to become a mother for 6 years), - If we talk about which issue is the most painful for a childless couple, then this is certainly a question "Why don't you have children?" But after all, this is the experience of childless spouses: they cannot understand why the Lord sent them this test. They have been examined and treated for years, but there are still no children. This alone can drive you crazy.

Unfortunately, it is widely believed in society that conceiving a child is a matter of five minutes. Therefore, I stopped answering questions about children in the form of “we are thinking about it” or “we are trying.” Often you can get in response to sincere bewilderment and even laughter of the interlocutor: “What is there to think about? One or two and you're done! ”, Or completely tactless:“ You are trying hard ... ” Over time, I realized that it was ridiculous to be offended by such people. Just their own experience convinced them that children appear without any difficulty and even when you do not expect them at all.

The tactlessness of others is not the most difficult problem, but one of the most unsolvable, - says Yulia (30 years old, three difficult years in anticipation of a child, now she is the mother of a little daughter). - Still, this is the intimate life of a person, something from which children are obtained. And then you have to discuss it with others. Even the phrase “we are trying” is not always comfortable to pronounce. We experienced particular pressure from my husband's parents: my husband is the only and late child, and they already really, really wanted a successor to the family. We reassured our relatives by talking about the possibilities of our medicine, although in fact the doctors did not find any problems with us.

“The main illusion of modern people is that the issue of having a child is completely in our hands,” Yulia shares her impressions. - First of all, many people do not understand that, in principle, not everyone can have children, and no one is to blame for this! Just as not everyone is rich and super talented, so the seemingly ordinary process of childbearing is not given to everyone. At the same time, in our society, scientism and faith in progress are bizarrely combined with all sorts of superstitions.

"Hochushki"

Women who are faced with the problem of infertility form a kind of “nation” online - “hochushki” (from “I want a child”). According to the teachings of this group, the main and unconditional goal of the life of every "want" is to become pregnant.

The main content of the "hochushech" forums is a discussion of all kinds of technologies that can accelerate the onset of pregnancy. Here and the exchange of phone numbers of clinics, and "grandmother's recipes", and lists of icons in front of which you need to put a candle, and even texts of "secret" conspiracies. “Hochushki” provide each other with emotional support: “I keep my fists for you, this month you will succeed!”

The topic is very important and very reverent - and for men too. Probably, there are not only “hochushki”, but also “hotenki” ... There is also a separate big and correct question - the attitude in society towards those who do not have children now. He didn't show up right now. Probably, all our troubles arise because there is not enough Love in the world. Families without children (first of all, those where the spouses want children) are special families, not at all the same as ordinary ones. And the society, that is, you and me, must learn to be kind to such families, to help them. How to help? Be in love. And pray for them. Only ask not for a child, but for the heart to be opened to the will of God, whatever that will may be. Andrey

Mutual support in a difficult situation is, of course, the best thing that “hotchkas” give to each other. However, Internet communication contains many pitfalls. One of the most insidious reefs is that commercial medicine is actively engaged in the development of this area. Many "hochushki" are forced to regularly suffer from outright lies - fabricated reviews about the "best" clinics, specialists and drugs.

"Special Prayer"

In a sense, “hochushki” is “ghetto”. Inside it has its own traditions and rules, its own mainstream and its marginals. Orthodox families automatically fall into the number of the latter, of which there is objectively a minority in Russia. Topics for Orthodox "hochushki" exist on almost all major resources dedicated to parenthood (www.littleone.ru, www.materinstvo.ru, www.eva.ru, etc.)

There are also specialized sites for Orthodox "hochushki" (for example, www.chado-chudo.narod.ru - the work of R. B. Apollinaria). Special topics are discussed here: which saints to pray for the gift of a child, whether marital relations are possible during fasting, how not to become discouraged from a long wait and uncertainty, how the Orthodox Church relates to ART ... However, perhaps one of the most difficult topics for believers women who dream of becoming mothers - the question of their own sins that caused infertility.

According to our heroine Victoria, immersion in the world of online “hochushki” only exacerbated her feelings. She met few truly believing Christians on the net, and more than enough provocative information. The result was a tedious "self-digging".

At first, I thought, - says Victoria, - that I had sinned before God in some way, I was looking for my guilt and tormented myself with reproaches for what I had long repented of at confession. This path drove me to despair and deprived me of the strength to move forward at all. Then I imagined that I could somehow earn from the Lord His love, the manifestation of which, as I naively thought, would be the fulfillment of my desire. I began to pray and go on pilgrimages, take on obediences…

This path also exhausted me: imperceptibly for myself, I began to treat Orthodox shrines with magic and stubbornly did not want to let the Lord manifest His own will for my husband and me ... When this realization came, I even had an aversion to prayers for childbearing and consecrated relics to "oils".

Just like Vika, Julia tried to understand why the Lord punished her: “It seemed to me that I did everything right: I got married on the day of registration, I didn’t fornicate ... and soon after the wedding - a missed pregnancy, and then three years of tedious waiting . I was offended, I felt sorry for the unborn child, and I could not understand what I was guilty of.

Julia also tried to follow the “beaten path”: she went to St. Xenia the Blessed. Her husband went to the relics of St. Alexander Svirsky. Yulia's mother constantly obtained information about which shrines "definitely help." “It seems to me that many Orthodox believe that you just need to go to the right monastery, pray in a special way, and the problem will be solved by itself,” Yulia recalls.

It is even more difficult for a believing person to survive childlessness than for an unbeliever. Against the background of the usual prejudice that an Orthodox marriage necessarily involves having many children, childless spouses suffer, among other things, from the increased attention of others to their problem, but of a special, not physiological (as in secular society), but a “spiritual” nature. In addition, it is sometimes more difficult for them to build relationships with a confessor: not every priest is versed in matters of medicine and psychology, understands the difference between abortive and non-abortive contraceptives, and has minimal understanding of the causes.

I used to sincerely believe that getting pregnant is very easy. One of my classmates forgot to take a pill and got pregnant. Another, having met a boy at a disco, gave birth from him, and now she does not even remember the name of her boyfriend. I thought everything would be easy for us. We got married, prayed for a child, but… Once, in confession, the priest cited himself as an example to me: he and his mother had not had children for many years, but now their daughter is growing up. I was recoiled: “You mean we won’t have children for several years ?!”

Later I met a friend in the temple, and in the conversation she decided to reassure me: “Nothing, there will be a begged child!” I wanted to scream at her then: “What are you, a fool? I don't need what I begged for! Let him just be born, let him be happy!” After a while, I stopped going to church, because after each Liturgy I cried at home: why do they have children, but we don’t?

After a while, I stopped communicating with friends, because the first question was invariably: “Well, when will you have offspring?” Then I went to be examined: I seriously thought about IVF. But then I suddenly felt sorry for the money. I can give them away and find out later that the attempt is unsuccessful, because there is always 50 to 50 ... And we thought about adoption ... Let it be better that all this money go to a living, waiting for us, our beloved child! We are already collecting documents… Svetlana

Confession for a woman with a history of missed pregnancy or miscarriage is in itself a difficult test. “At the first confession after the loss of pregnancy, they asked me if I was married, if I lived in fornication before the wedding, if I wished death on anyone,” Yulia recalls. “All this is very difficult and drives a woman into a state of incomprehensible guilt for what happened.”

At the same time, according to Yulia, it is very good when a confessing priest, delving into the details of what happened, really understands the problem: “I am very grateful to that priest who warned me that the medicines prescribed by doctors can have an abortion effect. Perhaps this is how we avoided the death of another child.”

Zechariah and Elizabeth

The stories of most childless families show that the specific causes of infertility, as a rule, are not identified by either doctors or priests. A number of experts recognize the existence of such a phenomenon as psychological unpreparedness for parenthood, however, its criteria are not obvious.

This phenomenon can be seen as unwillingness to sacrifice the usual attributes of everyday life that exist before the birth of a child - freedom of movement, restful sleep, habits, even money, says Anna Vakhrusheva. - This is where the “rational” explanations of why the child is still missing come from - “I won’t be able to support him”, “we don’t have our own housing”, “I’m afraid to be a bad mother / father” and so on.

These attitudes can really affect the state of the reproductive sphere, the activity of which is, as it were, blocked at the physiological level. After all, the hormonal sphere is directly related to our emotions, it is very sensitive to any mood changes, and if anxiety about future parenthood “sits” inside all the time, then the so-called functional infertility will not take long.

He also speaks about the “spiritual” unpreparedness of the spouses for parenthood (Volume IV of essays - “Family”): “There are also such married couples who want to have a child as soon as they get married. And if the birth of a child is delayed, then they begin to worry and worry. How can they give birth to a child if they themselves are full of anxiety and mental anxiety? They will give birth to a child when they cast out anxiety and mental anxiety and direct their lives on the right spiritual track.

According to the elder, “sometimes God deliberately hesitates and does not give any married couple children. After all, both Saints Joachim and Anna, and the saints, God gave a child in old age in order to fulfill His eternal plan for the salvation of people.