What to do if your love is not mutual. How to deal with unrequited love

Non-reciprocal love can either inspire you or drive you into depression. In some cases, unrequited feelings turn into real addiction. It is not easy for a person, especially at the very beginning of the formation of attachment, to understand how to deal with himself if there is no chance of reciprocity. Not only insecure individuals and young girls suffer from love experiences, but also accomplished and self-sufficient adults.

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Why does non-reciprocal love arise?

Love is a deep affection that naturally develops from falling in love after long term relationship, however, many people admit that they have loved unrequitedly at least once. There are several reasons:

What is the prospect of the relationship

Tendency to non-reciprocal love depends not on gender or age, but on the temperament of the individual. Both a young girl and an older man can unexpectedly fall in love without an answer.

A person who understands that he is adored is able to behave differently. Some will stop communicating, some will have an explanatory conversation and offer to remain friends, some will simply laugh. In the latter case, it will be easiest, since this is how the person will present his negative sides.

For unrequited lovers, even reciprocity comes as a shock, especially for those who are prepared for refusal and rejection. It often turns out that a person did not dream of a relationship, he just liked the feeling itself.

For a girl, non-reciprocal love is more stressful than for a guy, because it is more difficult for her to take the initiative. A man experiencing unrequited feelings can achieve reciprocity through courtship and persistence. A woman has to act with cunning and hints.

Unrequited passion can only last a few months. Then, without receiving an answer, the hopelessly in love loses interest, especially if the object disappears from sight. But non-reciprocal love in rare cases can last for many years or even a lifetime. This happens to people who are fixated on monotony and order, who are not accustomed to change and the implementation of plans. These individuals prefer to go with the flow. They usually avoid and are afraid of new relationships.

How to find a solution

Time often helps to cope with unrequited love. Sometimes circumstances do not allow you to start a relationship with your loved one: he is married, lives far away, or his family is against it. WITH family people not everything is so simple. It happens that a couple is on the verge of divorce, but the person in love is afraid to take the first step. The couple eventually separate, but the chance is lost - the loved one has already found someone else.

Everyone must decide for themselves whether to talk about attraction. Refusal is not excluded, they may even laugh at their experiences, but in this case there is reason to think about whether a person is worth such suffering. Sometimes confession is the cure. Some lovers behave so ugly that the love fever goes away on its own.

Psychologists advise filling your life with new meanings, so that achievements and hobbies gradually crowd out thoughts of unrequited love. But before that, you definitely need to cry and grieve, so as not to push the sadness deeper.

Ways to forget unrequited love:

• Analyze your attitude towards your loved one. Find negative traits. Look at a person without embellishment.
• Ask friends and relatives to give an impartial assessment of your lover.
• Get rid of things that are associated with the object of passion. From social networks the person will also have to be removed.
• Devote time to study, work, hobbies.
• Clean up your appearance.
• Give other people the opportunity to achieve their affection, but do not rush to start an affair, as there will be an obsessive need to constantly compare a companion and a lover who needs to be forgotten.

Bridges must be burned decisively and irrevocably. Only in this case can you recover from addiction. Over time, feelings burn out, especially if a person in love works on self-development.

But, as you know, it happens the other way around. You are burning with unearthly feelings, and he/she categorically ignores the love happiness that has fallen on him and shrinks away at the sight of just your shadow. And there is no way to explain to the unlucky one that you are the very light in the window and the guiding star. You begin to realize the simple but unpleasant fact that here it is - Unhappy Ordinary Love, or Unrequited Love.

The victim of love feelings is easily identified. The look has a sad, haunted look, a tortured, pale look. The taste for life has been lost. Shopping is not fun; chocolate and other harmful carbohydrates are consumed in industrial quantities. Well, or suffering is accompanied by a total hunger strike, and the body does not require bodily food, but to serve it on a platter. At the sound of sad romantic ballads, an intensified tearing process begins, and the phone, waiting for a call, becomes hypnotized, in the manner of a boa constrictor looking at a rabbit before eating it with great appetite.

In principle, there are not many ways out of this situation. Either fall out of love urgently, or starve out the object of desire and conquer it with cunning strategic maneuvers.

Let's consider the first option - “To stop loving!”. Simple and logical, according to the principle that something that bothers us, we get rid of it at a high speed. But the catch is that the more we engage in auto-training and self-hypnosis on the topic that we don’t need him/her, the more we want to get the object of passion into our tenacious paws. The principle works: “Don’t think about the polar bear” (they tell you: “Don’t think about the white bear for at least 5 minutes!”... I assure you - it won’t work, thoughts creep into your head in the very first seconds). No matter what logical arguments are given, all cleverly constructed arguments pale before the simple “I love you, I can’t!” Because there is a huge complex involved here complex mechanisms, which is quite difficult to fight.

Of course, we often confuse the present bright feeling with temporary passion, hypertrophied wounded pride, or simple childish egoism and the desire to possess the object of one’s dreams now, immediately and completely. Whatever it is the real reason, Anyway, best medicine and the healer is time. The only thing is that the time interval can vary from several weeks (yes, there are such rapid recoveries) to several years (a special clinical case of love fever). Scientists from some award-winning British university said that even the most unearthly feeling begins to wane after three years. So, even if you cannot imagine life without Him and cry at the mere mention of the name of the subject, you will suffer for a maximum of the notorious three years.

Knowledgeable people recommend trying to distract yourself, for example, becoming a pronounced workaholic and putting all your love fervor into moving around. career ladder. Oddly enough, often an unrealized feeling really becomes the strongest stimulator of creative and labor impulses. It is not for nothing that many great artists, poets and writers created their imperishable works at a time of deep spiritual torment. And the desire to prove how much someone who did not appreciate you has lost makes sufferers, spurred on by wounded pride, make their way through thorns to the stars, earn millions and accomplish feats. Using the energy of unrequited love, ladies lose weight and become prettier, gentlemen make money, and are generally strong emotional outbursts increase general civic and social activity. As they say, there would be no happiness... Of course, everything is good in moderation, and most importantly, in the struggle for the right to prove your worth, do not let real life pass by.

Many try to follow the proverb “wedge with wedge” and, trying to drown out mental pain, with the despair of a kamikaze warrior they rush into the abyss of new relationships. IN in this case evokes more sympathy new passion, for she will have to courageously endure all the mental tossing and bucking of the unfortunate sufferer, and they will certainly be present. Usually, new partner remains blissfully unaware of what is merely a means of silencing heartache, and therefore will be forced to endure mood swings and unreasonable breakdowns, coupled with increased irritability.

Often, a victim of unhappy love naively assumes that a new relationship will serve as a lifeline, but in reality everything turns out to be much worse - you quietly hate an innocent person, unable to overcome the quiet disgust for the unloved/unloved, you desperately feel sorry for yourself, because... you yourself become a hostage to your own intrigue, plus you are unable to appreciate the candidate who has appeared next to you for a place in your heart. A person can be the concentration of all conceivable and inconceivable talents, spiritual qualities and virtues, have a lot of advantages, but at the same time there is one major disadvantage - he is not the One. In another situation, you might have been captivated beautiful eyes and other delights, but, alas, the image of another looms before your eyes, which, in fact, distracts from an adequate assessment and ability to understand that happiness is nearby.

The worst thing is that, suffering from unrequited feelings, we ourselves become absolutely ruthless towards others, losing the remnants of humanity and philanthropy. And how many marriages are concluded solely on the desire “I’ll show him!” As a rule, what starts badly ends badly: it is still not possible to drown out mental suffering, but the remains of someone else’s and one’s own deteriorate. nervous system, is wasted precious time, and everything returns to where it started. There is no happiness, but my soul is sick. Although, of course, history also knows optimistic examples when practical comparative analysis proves that the new is better than the old, and your love of your life gradually fades, loses its romantic-tragic charm, and it turns out that everything that was is stupidity, whim and sheepish stubbornness, and happiness is nearby.

And finally, if you have a certain degree of obstinacy and have set a goal, you can still have unrequited love transfer to the category of divided. The option is the most complex, time-consuming and requires remarkable mental resources and endurance. But, as they say, the stronger the nerves, the closer the goal. There are many practices and examples of psychological manipulation, and in the absence of persistent physiological rejection in the seduced person, you can still win the object of your desires. Because in most cases, reactions to certain actions are quite standard and predictable; most of humanity thinks in similar stereotypes and dreams of the same thing. That is, by applying psychological warfare skills and activating strategic talents, you can still achieve your goal.

After all, if you can’t imagine your life without specific person, and without it - even if you lie down and die, it makes sense to fight for happiness. So self-confidence, a book on NLP under your pillow and a resourceful mind prone to intrigue increases the likelihood that you will restrain your victim. But there is a catch here too. As a rule, having reunited in happy ecstasy with the object of your dreams, after some time you discover that the celestial being, whom you were afraid to even breathe, lives a simple life. human life: eats a lot, talks on the phone, stuffs candy wrappers in inappropriate places and - oh God! - throws out his socks! Opens the harsh truth life, you begin to understand the full meaning of the saying that waiting for spring is better than spring itself. The rest of the time is spent thinking about the topic: “Why did I need it!”

So, no matter what path you take, it is important to realistically assess the picture (difficult, but possible) and understand that the process of suffering and languor, in principle, is final, and partly in your power to speed up recovery. And, of course, the proverb that everything that is done is done for the better does not lose its relevance. At a minimum, you will learn the power of real feeling, and this is a lot, because the ability to love strongly, passionately and selflessly is not given to everyone.

So you can and should love, ideally mutually, and if not, then just know and believe that your happiness is somewhere nearby. And you will definitely come to him!

Many guys and girls, as well as men and women, are interested in how to get rid of being in love. There can be many reasons for this: lack of reciprocity, lack of time, emotional imbalance, and so on. Fortunately, psychologists know remedies that will help cope with this condition.

The difference between infatuation and love

Not everyone is able to determine the line between a passing hobby and serious feeling. Moreover, even scientists and psychologists who were seriously engaged in research this issue, could not come to a common conclusion. However, a number of characteristics can be identified to determine the difference between infatuation and love.

Do you need to get rid of being in love?

Before you figure out how to get rid of being in love, you need to understand whether it’s worth doing. Unfortunately this wonderful feeling not always suits the man for good. It is worth fighting it in the following cases:

• if the object of your adoration does not reciprocate your feelings;
• if falling in love negatively affects your mental and physical state;
• if you are driven by pathological jealousy;
• if you are experiencing manic attachment to a person;
• If romantic feeling interferes with your studies or career growth.

Unfortunately, not every girl or young man in love can cope with the problem on his own. Or rather, they will in every possible way deny its existence. It is friends and family who can notice deviations in time.

Treatment methods for falling in love

If you are looking for a cure for love, try taking the advice of psychologists. So, the most popular methods are:

• Prevention will help you prevent an unwanted condition. If you think that now is not the time for love, try to fight all its manifestations: do not read novels, do not watch tearful TV series, do not listen to sad music, and most importantly, limit communication with the opposite sex.
• Logical comprehension implies that you need to look at the current situation from the outside. Try to evaluate all the pros and cons of your condition.
• In accordance with the method, it is recommended to critically evaluate the object of your adoration. It is quite possible that negative qualities it will contain much more than positive ones.
• will allow you to look into the future. Imagine how your relationship will develop in a week, month, year. If you don’t see positive things in the future, get rid of your crush immediately.
• To sort your thoughts into categories, enter correct image life. You must have duties, responsibilities, hobbies. It is quite possible that there will no longer be room in your head for romantic fantasies.
• A frank conversation with a friend, relative or psychologist is the best cure for love. Having told your story in detail, you will most likely come to the conclusion that the feeling is to your detriment.

Sigmund Freud became famous for his bold theory that all human actions are driven solely by sexual instinct. It is precisely because of this position that many do not take his recommendations seriously. But it’s still worth listening to his advice on how to get rid of falling in love.

Freud paid Special attention such a feature of the psyche as sublimation. Falling in love gives a person energy. If this feeling for one reason or another is undesirable for you, try converting it to another form. Direct this energy, for example, into art, sports, education and other areas. It is quite possible that you will be able to achieve amazing results.

The best medicine is change

As you know, to cope with this or that state of mind, you need to change external circumstances. So, a girl in love can get rid of obsessive feelings by resorting to the following measures:

• cardinal (hairstyle, wardrobe, etc.);
• finding new hobbies (or you can return to hobbies that occupied you as a child);
• new interesting acquaintances(possibly with the prospect of a romantic relationship);
• change of scenery (if you don’t have the opportunity to travel, try to explore your city in search of new routes and places to walk);
• making changes in everyday life (for example, you can rearrange furniture or learn how to cook new dishes).

You can’t do without the help of loved ones

If you are looking for ways to get rid of falling in love, enlist the support of family and friends. The fact is that it is very difficult to cope with heartfelt feelings alone. Sometimes the problem is so acute that only with the help of those around it becomes possible to solve it. That is why you should not be shy to ask for help.

Most the best option- this is a sincere conversation. With a friend, relative, work colleague - it doesn’t matter. The main thing is to openly talk about all your experiences. You will be surprised, but it will immediately become easier. In addition, it is quite possible that your interlocutor was previously in similar situation. It is possible that by the end of the conversation you will laugh together at a problem that seemed insoluble just a couple of hours ago.

Confession

How to get rid of obsessive love? Sometimes shock therapy is needed. If your lover is not yet aware of your feelings, then why not say them directly? Of course, this is not easy, but there will be certainty in your life. There are not many options for the development of events:

• he (or she) will reject your feelings, which, of course, will be a great disappointment, but will help you free yourself;
• It may well turn out that the object of your affection, just like you, is in love, but is embarrassed to admit it (in this case, you will have a chance to build strong relationships with prospects for further development).

conclusions

How to get rid of being in love? At first glance, this question may seem stupid and frivolous, because everyone goes through romantic experiences. However, it is worth considering individual psychological characteristics each individual. Sometimes falling in love not only interferes with study and work, but can also lead to serious psychological problems and even suicide attempts, which should never be allowed. That is why modern psychology pays such attention close attention this issue.

True love involves mutual feelings, but sometimes emotions go unanswered. Many people have experienced unrequited attraction in their lives. Most easily passed through the suffering and let go of the object of worship. But often unrequited love becomes an unbearable burden, a strong feeling does not let go. Psychologists give advice to break a one-way relationship. How to survive unrequited love?

Causes

To know how to cope with unrequited love, it is worth finding out the reasons for this feeling.

1. Internal state. Fatigue and depression affect the overall energy, and disappointment in love becomes an addition to the general emotional background.
2. Low self-esteem. Lack of self-confidence is reinforced by attitudes: “I’m too ugly for him,” “I don’t match him,” “No one will ever love me.” The lower a person evaluates himself, the more difficult it is for him to achieve reciprocal feelings. There is a strong belief that “I will always have it worse than others.”
3. The benefits of unrequited love. Sometimes such feelings have benefits, but the person is not aware of them. This is a way to hide from life; subconsciously a person does not want to be in a relationship, and a one-sided feeling allows him to escape from them.
4. The illusion of love experiences. Unrequited love creates a bright picture emotional life. It contains suffering, hopes, internal events associated with the object of love. I don’t want to leave this illusion into problematic reality.
5. Usually, people who do not see an example of a happy relationship in childhood do not cope with falling in love. Parents didn't set an example for them trust relationships. It's hard to imagine such a person mutual love, it seems to him that intimacy does not exist. The consequences of this are the choice of unrequited feelings or complete closure from love.

These reasons may not be recognized, but accepting them can answer the question: “How to deal with unrequited love?”

Unrequited love is like an addiction

If a person cannot for a long time, then psychologists sometimes use the term “love addiction” or addiction. Love addictions are often compared to alcohol or gaming addiction, only instead of alcohol or games - a living person.

When he is not around, the dependent person experiences real torment. He may get sick, gain weight, lose weight, and look exhausted. When dependent on love, a person directs all his thoughts and actions to the object of passion. He can write letters to him, keep watch at his house, stalk him on social networks.

• Signs of love addiction:
• a feeling of love arises towards a person who experiences indifference;
• A woman or a man experiences unhappy love for a very long time, sometimes for years;

In severe forms of addiction, your career suffers, hobbies and friends disappear. Psychologists note that people often come to appointments with the question: “How to cope with love addiction?” In most cases, their condition is already very serious. Unhappy love is often glorified in literature, the most striking example being Petrarch and his Laura.

On a note! Psychologists advise using love addictions writing down suffering, thoughts, and keeping a diary is one of the techniques of psychotherapeutic practice.

First experience

In their youth, many are faced with unrequited love. The first experience, an attempt to build relationships and feelings is usually accompanied by self-doubt, increased emotionality, idealization of the object of worship. Sometimes unrequited love is useful for outgrowing most complexes and fears in adolescents. But it happens that young people are disappointed; first love leaves a negative imprint on all subsequent relationships. Unhappy love is difficult to forget; your thoughts always return to it.

What to do? How to survive first love? To begin with, we should thank life for the lessons; love comes to us for a reason. We learn to build relationships, observe, become better and improve for our loved one.

You should also sift the wheat from the chaff. No need to glue imperfections ex-lovers for a new loved one or beloved. It is useful to give up the habit of comparing. Yes, it's not easy to do. Negative experience often comes to mind, but you need to thank the universe that you found out who you really need.

Surviving rejection

Sometimes, in order to receive reciprocity, you need to make a confession. It's scary to admit your feelings, get rejected and kill hope. How to survive rejection? But psychologists recommend not to be afraid to talk about emotions. This is better than dreaming about reciprocity for years and not making an attempt to try to be together.

Open recognition allows you to get out of the vicious circle, get mutual relations. Even if the answer is no, then you need to contact new stage and build a different level of relationships, taking into account all past mistakes. Don't forget to praise yourself for your courage!

Video: psychologist Natalya Tolstaya about unrequited love

How to help yourself

But how to survive unreciprocated love? Let's look at the advice of a psychologist. Masters of psychological science recommend the following actions.

Investigation of the cause

If you cannot cope with unrequited feelings for more than 6 months, then there are reasons that incline you to love one-sidedly. Try to answer the questions honestly. What makes you continue to suffer? What is the reason behind the unrequited feeling and desire to be loved? Could this be due to fear that you will be offended or lack of confidence in your own attractiveness? What is the main fear in a relationship? If you manage to find out the reason, then you need to deal with it.

"Light a fire"

The poet Ovid advised treating unhappy love by lighting fires. Psychologists also recommend this appointment today. May you have many resources that will allow you to escape from unrequited feelings. New job, passion, hobby, volunteer help. It could be yoga, dancing, driving courses, a reading group - anything. If you scatter the firebrands of a love fire in this way, you will soon see that it has gone out.

This strong remedy helps reduce stress, since the feeling of melancholy goes away along with sweat - adrenaline is produced. Nadezhda Babkina and many other stars cope with stress this way.

Make lemonade

A good method was recommended by Carnegie. He advised making lemonade from sour lemons. love feeling can be aimed at creating rather than destroying oneself. There are many examples of people coping with stress and rising above their worries.

Finding flaws

Feelings for a man or woman are often based on idealization. A loved one is given only positive qualities, only good is visible in him. Try going the other way. Write down all the shortcomings on a piece of paper, remember all the flaws, even if they are fictitious. This powerful remedy is suitable for people with a developed imagination.

Video: psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky, about unrequited love:

Conclusion

The feelings of a person experiencing one-sided love are similar to hopelessness. It seems that there is no way out of the situation. If you have fallen in love and don’t know how to get over unrequited love, you should consider contacting a specialist. IN severe cases may I help family psychologist or a psychotherapist.

They say loving is good. But what if you love, but you are not there? As if there is nothing good in this. And I agree with you. It's hard when your feelings are not reciprocated. Let's figure out why this happens and what to do if such a story happens to you.

People meet, become friends, fall in love. But very often such feelings are not mutual. This is a natural process that lasts for thousands of years and is unlikely to ever end. But a person who experiences such strong feelings Like love, I want to understand why it is not mutual. To know the answer to this question, you need to understand what love is?

Love is deep mutual sympathy, emotional attraction to another person and a feeling of attachment.

With love it is now clear. But how does a person begin to love and the most important thing is why he falls in love. More than one scientist has worked to solve this question. And they came to an interesting conclusion.

A person falls in love because his soul mate:

1. Compared to other people, he looks unusual in appearance. Indeed, it is not uncommon for a girl to be dressed in completely modest clothes, but the guy’s eyes have already lit up. Or the most fashionable guy stands out for a girl against the background of her company. That is, no matter how idealistic we are, the first thing that attracts us to another person is their appearance.

2. Smell. Each person has their own individual scent. People often use perfume to make the smell more pleasant. It’s not uncommon for girls to fall in love with a guy’s perfume or, over time, to buy perfume for their lover. But if you like the body odor of the opposite sex without perfume, then this means that you are, at least a little, in love.

3. Character compatibility. A person can dress beautifully and smell good, but if the person’s character does not suit him, then what kind of love can we talk about? Therefore, your life partner should suit your temperament and energy. This doesn't mean you have to be the same. It may be quite the opposite. You must complement each other.

4. Communications. Of course, you can fall in love at first sight. But what next? Next comes communication, and if the person is pleasant to your ears, then your feelings only become stronger. It’s not uncommon when, at first glance, it seems a common person. But when you start communicating, you gradually fall in love with him. In conversation, people get to know each other and develop relationships.

5. Passion. How can you imagine love without this feeling? But I hasten to stop your fantasies right away. Passion also needs to be in moderation. Love is like a fire with wood. And it’s up to you to throw all the wood into the fire at once or maintain this fire for the rest of your life.

Now understanding, we will move on to solving the problem posed. Namely, what to do if the love is not mutual? And here, as in W. Shakespeare’s play, there are two options: “To be or not to be.”

1. If you tried to make a person fall in love with you, and it didn’t work, then maybe you should give up on your plans before it’s too late. And don't waste time on a person who isn't worth it. Calm your senses and see how much there is in the world wonderful people of the opposite sex.

2. But if you decide to act, then you should be well armed. Namely, it will outwardly stand out from other people. Use pleasant perfume and talk to your love about interesting, pre-prepared topics.

Remember: Most people fall in love on the first date. And how it goes depends directly on you.

Therefore, I advise you not to lose heart. Set yourself up to win and invite your target to take a walk. As a result, use this time and have your first unforgettable date.