How to understand a relationship with a friend and understand her true intentions. You notice manipulation and controlling habits
“It's time to talk about the future. It seems to me that our relationship is reaching a dead end. Just a little more, and it will be time for us to run to a psychologist.” Great conversation! With your loved one? No, with a girlfriend!
What is more valuable - friendship or love? Of course, love, you say, armed with the experience of previous generations, a pack of sentimental novels and a stack of DVDs with a collection of the best melodramas of all times.
All the more surprising will be the results of a study conducted at the University of Manchester: it turns out that for women, breaking up with a friend is much more traumatic than breaking up with a lover.
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We will not start a holy war, staging fights without rules between friendship and love. For what? After all, these manifestations of spiritual sympathy (let's say) go hand in hand, often flowing into each other. And there is so much in common between love and friendship that they should not be opposed, but rather compared.
START: lightning and daisies
In a good way, the first meeting with a potential husband should be like a lightning strike, during which you will understand that it is with this person that you are ready to wander through the chamomile meadows at sunset, go to the altar, take consumer loans and have a pair of twins a year. In a good way. But more often serious relationship grow out of quiet sympathy, neighboring desks in the office, one-night stands and, let’s not be afraid of this word, friendship.
Exactly the same mechanisms work when we make friends. First, we meet at a class in a yoga studio (on a dog park, during a flight in a wind tunnel), then we take a closer look at each other, are happy to be convinced of the similarity of interests and understand: this is the person with whom I am ready to wander through the chamomile meadows at sunset, go to the altar... sorry, on sale, buy one cheesecake for two in a cafe and have long conversations in the kitchen. At this stage, there is no difference between friendship and love. And then the relationship itself begins - equally important.
You didn't pay attention to the fact that Lately Have we begun to actively replace traditional friendly vocabulary with love? We may well go on a date with our friends, but we will only have a meeting with our boyfriend. What is it for? If you wish, you can play psychoanalyst in your spare time and think about what this trend says.
SEX: yes or no
Let’s stipulate a simple standard: in a relationship with a loved one there is sex, in a relationship with friends there is no sex. And enough of that. Although we all know about marriages in which the cat cried about the joys of bed, and about the fact that friends with benefits (sexual in this case) come in handy.
RELATIONSHIPS: Efforts and Requests
Any relationship, no matter what it is, is worth working on. The first thing to do is to treat both your loved one and your friend with unwavering honesty.
When the time for falling in love for the first time (whether with a friend or a boyfriend) passes, we are finally able to appreciate all the advantages and disadvantages of our loved ones.
There are two possible ways here. Either you are an angel of forgiveness and know how to accept people as they are. Or (which is most likely) you are a demanding person and begin to ask much more from your loved ones than from strangers.
There is a significant amount of injustice in this: while we surround our colleagues and neighbors with a cloud of indifferent positivity, we place inflated demands on our loved ones (boyfriend and select circle of friends). Precisely because they are close. And also because “I don’t demand from others what I don’t demand from myself.” Well, of course!
Let's agree: we will evaluate ourselves realistically, and, of course, not forget that honesty has never harmed anyone.
CONFUSION: Substitutions and Compromises
There is one important aspect: if on this moment you are not drawn into a romantic relationship, it is not surprising that you begin to project onto your friends certain patterns of behavior that you cannot implement with your loved one (of course, he is not there!).
Do yourself and your friends a favor: don’t turn into a fifth-grader, don’t say the phrase “either you go to the movies with me, or we’re not friends anymore,” don’t demand your friends to constantly be in your life and don’t throw a tantrum “why don’t you tell me?” Have you been calling back for 15 minutes?” However, you will do no less a favor to your boyfriend (when he appears) if you save him too from this emotional collapse.
Always remember that respect for someone else’s personal space and the ability to compromise are the key to any (we emphasize: any) successful relationship.
Quarrels: scandals and silence
We quarrel with men with gusto. We throw the scoundrel’s things out of the sixth floor window, slam the door in his face, and organize a demonstrative deletion of his contacts from all instant messengers and phone memory. But it’s hard to imagine something similar in relation to your friend Nastya, with whom you go to the gym and arrange detox weekends. Still, pathetic cries of “You’re not my friend now!” - the lot of very exalted natures.
We must admit: with our friends, we are less likely to swear “about aortic rupture,” but also, sadly, we are less likely to be ready to fight for the relationship if difficulties arise.
However, when a relationship with a loved one becomes problematic, we are ready to make active efforts to cope with the troubles. We say: “Darling, we need to talk.” We change ourselves and demand the same from our partner; we find ourselves with a specialist called upon to understand our psychological traumas, starting from the breakdown of our favorite rattle at the age of six months. But let's be honest: for the sake of our friends, for some reason we are not ready to make even part of these efforts. It is much easier for us to “merge” these relationships, pushing a person out of his reality into some parallel one. Maybe we should fight for our friendship the same way we fight for our love?
IN THE FINAL: different possibilities
Life offers a million options: some relationships degenerate into strong ties that warm the soul for decades (remember some happy couple who recently celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary, or a bosom friend with whom your mother has not parted since college), others turn into a habit ( these are dull marriages that have long become mutually beneficial cohabitation, or friendships in the format “How are you?” - “Everything is ok!” - “Me too.”).
But no matter what relationship you are in at the moment, you always have a choice: leave or stay, change nothing or work on the situation.
The main thing is to remember one beautiful thing: you are not doomed to invest all the hurricane power of your emotions into your boyfriend. Remember that your ideal soulmate may not be your lover, but your friend (and this does not make the lover less wonderful) and that you need to work on relationships with friends with the same care as on relationships with your loved one.
Whom you can choose
“Katya and I failed exams together, came to retakes together after a night at the club, together we fooled senior students. In my fourth year, I found my first permanent job and there I met Sasha, a computer specialist from the neighboring department. Coffee breaks, trips to the cinema and weekends together - to the limit banal story absolute happiness. While I was getting used to life with Sasha and learning to cook, Katya was still having fun. Sometimes she would call me drunk at night, asking me to pick her up from the club, and I would immediately rush to help. Sasha thought that Katya was a bad influence on me. I myself felt that I had already grown out of this relationship. The choice was obvious to me. “I am completely happy with my beloved, but I can’t help but feel that I bore some kind of responsibility for Katya, and then abandoned this responsibility.” Olga, 24
“Sveta is more than just a friend to me. We spend a lot of time together and can never talk enough. Therefore, when another boyfriend gave me the phrase “Either me or her,” my reaction was clear: “You know, honey, play domestic tyrant with someone else." In honor of my newfound freedom, Svetka and I went on a trip to Europe, and it was my most best vacation!» Lina, 26
“Misha is the son of his mother’s best friend, he still remembers how I put a yellow bucket on his head in the sandbox. It’s clear that our mothers dreamed of getting us married. Love didn't work out, but wonderful friendship did. But when Alex, a blue-eyed blond and an ideal candidate for future husband, appeared in my life, Misha became seriously jealous. I had to reconcile the two men. My friendship with Misha has cooled down a little, but I’m still happy that I was able to keep both my beloved and my friend.” Ksenia, 27
“Somehow it turned out that my friends did not accept my man, and he basically did not want to communicate with them. Each side of the conflict tried to reveal as many nasty things about the other as possible, and I suddenly found myself at the epicenter of the “Maximum” program. It was a difficult period, but as a result I understood one thing very important thing: I don’t need either such friends or such a man. As a result, I broke up with everyone and completely renewed my social circle. An amazing feeling of freedom!” Rita, 25
Ksenia Andreeva
Photo: RUSSIAN LOOK
Question to a psychologist:
Hello. I would like to tell you about my problem with my friend. My friend's name is Nastya.
Nastya and I have known each other for three years; we met at sports section. Last year we communicated very well, Nastya became my first best friend(there was none before). She and I constantly called each other on the phone and corresponded, gave each other gifts, and spent all our time together. I loved her very much.
After about 10 months of our friendship, Nastya left the sports section, and it became difficult for me to communicate with her. We began to see each other very rarely, slowly moving away from each other. At the same time, I found myself in the company of very good and pleasant people who became my friends. We went to college together and I saw them almost every day. I felt very comfortable in this company.
With Nastya, we began to move away from each other. It's hard for me to communicate with her. She stopped understanding me. We don't have so much fun together anymore, they constantly arise awkward pauses in conversation, etc. I tried to tell Nastya that I needed time to think, but she only began to consider me a bitch and herself a victim. We managed to make peace, but communication is still a burden, I regret that I hastened to call Nastya my best friend.
Psychologist Alina Evgenievna Litvinenko answers the question.
Hello, Tanya.
Whether or not to break off relations with your friend is, of course, up to you. Changing your circle of friends when you change interests is not uncommon. This happens many times throughout life. But difficulties in relationships with existing friends can arise not only against the background of disunity of interests, but also due to misunderstandings accumulated between you and negative emotions. Therefore, you should not rush into radical decisions.
To understand how best to handle this situation, ask yourself the following questions:
Am I interested in communicating with Nastya now?
Do we have common topics for conversation?
Is she interesting to me as a person, and how important is it to me what she thinks and feels?
What do I and don't get from our friendship?
How do I feel when communicating with Nastya?
What do I think about her now, what does she look like in my mind? Why do I think this about her? How much of what I think about her is true?
Is there anything I could check with her to find out for sure? Is there something that I am unhappy with and that I would like to change for the better in our interaction?
If, after answering all these questions, you realize that everything is not as hopeless as it seems, you are still interested in your friend in some way, but perhaps you are not satisfied with the quality of communication itself, then this difficulty can be solved by talking openly with her and jointly deciding what you both don’t like and how it can be changed for the better.
If you still decide that you need to say goodbye, then, again, The best way- say directly. It is important not to blame your friend for ending your friendship because of her, but to say, first of all, about your own reasons. Perhaps apologize for doing this if you really feel guilty. For your part, be as sincere and correct as possible. Her feelings and emotions are no longer your responsibility. She will still see the situation the way she is used to seeing it.
You can also simply communicate less often, for example, once every six months. If not close communication based on interests, then such a transfer of friendship into the category of acquaintance with the preservation of good relations will be quite appropriate. Perhaps you simply don’t have time to accumulate common topics for conversation, and this is annoying, but it’s no one’s fault. Communication should, first of all, be natural. When you have something to share and sincerely want to do it. Creating it artificially and beyond what is necessary is a waste of energy, which ultimately leads to a feeling of emptiness and irritation. It’s better less often, but more productive, than often because “this is my best friend,” but it’s pointless.
Question to a psychologist
Hello Natalya, you are 25 years old and you have close girlfriend. I read your letter with great attention and suggest, firstly, to calm down, and secondly, to look at your situation as if from the outside.
You have had affairs with men, and this already speaks of your attractiveness and the fact that men like you. The fact that your relationship does not move into a more intimate, sexual stage is exactly the problem that you need to solve. Perhaps you are right that the root cause lies in your childhood and that childhood self-doubt remains in you and makes itself felt more and more every time.
Now about your friend - you have been friends for a long time, you know her best, share your joys and sorrows with her, in response she also talks about her romances with her fans.
Due to the fact that your sexual energy does not find a way out or satisfaction naturally, it begins to transform into something else - into your fantasies, and sexual pictures with violence, and who main character in these fantasies? Of course, your friend, about whom you know almost everything.
What are these fantasies and how good or bad are they?
If you embodied these fantasies in your sexual relations with a man, then this would be normal, since such pictures seem to add spice to sex.
If these fantasies are not supported by real sex, then you seem to transfer them to your friend and thereby become isolated on her, and this is already manifested by the fact that you begin to consider her your partner (as in your fantasies) and this is a departure from Reality.
You don’t have to worry about the fact that you are betraying your friend in some way, that’s not true. Your friendship cannot suffer from this, But... You should urgently start your therapy with a psychologist in order to solve your childhood problems associated with those unpleasant memories that prevent you from building relationships with men. This is first of all.
Secondly, you should try self-satisfaction not only from the sexual pictures that you imagine, but also in other ways, and for this you should study your body and give yourself pleasure with your touches. This will help relieve excessively accumulated sexual energy.
Working with a psychologist will help you raise your self-esteem, let go of childhood grievances and fears, which will definitely lead you to the ability to build long term relationship with men and possibly starting a family.
Your friend will again become your close friend and in her person you will always have a reliable and faithful comrade who will always be able to listen and support you. Best wishes.
Bekezhanova Botagoz Iskrakyzy, psychologist of Astana
Good answer 5 Bad answer 0Natalya, hello!
It's wonderful to have someone in your life you can trust and feel supported by. But there is one caveat. This is personal space. Your friend managed to clearly set boundaries in areas of her life. She has communication and friendship with you, but is not fixated on your relationship. And also, she quite successfully gains experience in relationships with the opposite sex.
You experienced a kind of dissolution in her, as in a person. You have limited yourself exclusively to communicating with her and the importance of your relationship has become excessive.
As for your fantasies. There is nothing “criminal” about them. Moreover, there is nothing wrong with the fact that you do not share them (fantasies) with her. You have the right to something personal that only you know.
Complexes that come from childhood require therapy. Contact a psychologist personally.
And one more thing: the simpler and more non-judgmental you treat your fantasies, the faster an object of the opposite sex will appear in them, the center of attention of which will be focused on you. It’s worth imagining and wishing for changes in life for some time, they will come. Believe it.
Don’t blame yourself for anything and expand the circle of people with whom you communicate. Among them, true love will be found and everything connected with it will be not only in fantasies, but also in reality.
I sincerely wish this for you!
Sincerely,
Snegireva Inna Vladimirovna, psychologist Astana
Good answer 4 Bad answer 1As they say, friendship is a sacred thing, and happy is the person who has a true friend. But for some reason it is generally accepted that when we talk about friendship, it means male friendship. No one denies that men are very different from women in essence and, accordingly, men's friendship is different from women's. Some people believe that “there is no such thing as female friendship.”
However female friendship still exists. And of course, like everything that concerns women, it has many facets and shades. In practice, relationships between women, girls, girls, such a courageous word “friend” is replaced by another, more generalized word “girlfriend”. As you know, for men, a friend is a person close in spirit, with whom he can go through thick and thin. And for us girls, a girlfriend is a girlfriend. That is, a friend, a vest, my other self, and the keeper of my secrets. But sometimes it’s just an acquaintance or even a rival. Let's try to understand the psychology of relationships between friends.
1. We all come from childhood,
and all our relations with different people begin to form in childhood. Each of us remembers how carefree we played in the sandbox with other children in the yard or kindergarten. But among this noisy flock, we gradually developed a closer relationship with one girl. And now other children no longer matter: we go for a walk when our friend is walking, we play those games that we both like, we get bored when we can’t talk to her. This is how female friendship is born. Some people manage to carry it through their entire lives, while others outgrow it. Relationships between friends are tested by time and circumstances. And this is all good because by meeting and communicating with new people, we better understand ourselves, evaluate our new and old friends and our friendship.
2. Why we are friends. “Even though I don’t have a sister by blood, I consider you my sister.”
Friendly, close relationships do not always arise between sisters. At the same time, reliable, almost family ties. Friends have something that unites them, something that creates the preconditions for friendship. It is important for them:
- Have common interests.
In order for girls to become friends, they must have common interests. As they say: tell me who your friend is, and I will tell you who you are. If they look at the world the same, if they have the same life values and priorities, if their character suits each other, then such friendship can be permanent and successful. We girls, for the most part, are very sociable and therefore we have many girlfriends. But still, among everyone there is one single best friend, the most reliable and faithful. It often happens that one of the friends takes a leading position in the relationship, that is, she is more active and efficient by nature. If the other friend is happy with this, then there will be friendship. If not, then there is no friendship. - Communicate.
It is very important for girls to communicate. The slightest impression or news is discussed with your best friend or in a circle of friends. And girls really need to gossip, or just chat about “nothing.” Even being among friends without accepting active participation in conversation, this is also a certain buzz, a kind of ladies’ meditation. Well, talk about fashion trends or romantic adventures - this is generally a barrel without a bottom. - Share secrets.
Naturally, no one will share what is in your heart with just anyone. This question implies closer contact between friends, mutual trust, tested by circumstances and trials. If one of the friends does not know how to take care of other people’s secrets, then the friendship collapses forever according to the principle of a broken cup: you can glue it back together, but it’s not the same... - Consult.
Girls love to give and, in turn, listen to someone’s advice. In any - both simple and difficult situations, - to make a decision we need an outside view. Of course, the authoritative point of view for us is the point of view of a friend, as a person who knows us well, loves us and is ready to help, suggest, push us to a decision. - Spend time together.
This is one of the most important prerequisites for relationships between friends. After all, shopping, relaxing and walking together is a necessary and irreplaceable part of every girl’s life.
3. Seven colors of the rainbow of relationships between girlfriends
Friendship between girls can arise at any age and under any circumstances, but relationships develop in different ways, and, unfortunately, not always rosy. In life we come across different people. Some of them may become ours true friends, and some teach us lessons about false friendship. How to figure this out? The psychology of relationships between girlfriends determines some common features.
1) Friend for communication
Each of us has a friend with whom we can go somewhere from time to time and chat about something. But friendship does not become close, we do not miss each other, do not worry about each other, do not share secrets. There is not yet the necessary degree of trust. This feeling will either develop over time, or it will not exist at all.
2) Friend by coincidence
Such friendship arises when we find ourselves in a certain place for a while. For example, during vacation, vacation, business trip or while studying in another city. Under such circumstances, we have new friends with whom we can go through life together, or we will separate at the end of our time together. Friendship can be both strong and superficial, we can share problems and secrets, and be like water. Over time, time takes us apart different parts Svetlana, we still correspond and call each other for a while, but then all relationships, unfortunately, dry up.
3) Friend-rival
And such dark sides there are women's friendships. They appear in cases where a guy appears in a circle of friends that they both like, or one of the girls dates him. The situation is explosive! Sometimes you have to choose: either a girlfriend or a boyfriend. The only positive way out is to introduce your friend to another guy she likes. Otherwise, rivalry will destroy friendship.
4) Envious friend
Sometimes among our friends there is such a girl. If we are good at something, or we are lucky in something, then a friend, unfortunately, does not rejoice at our successes, but tries to belittle them. “Just think,” “nothing special,” “nothing worked out for you,” and other similar exclamations disappoint us and deprive us of self-confidence. And even if everything was “ok” between you before, you should think about whether you need such a friend.
5) Gossip Girlfriend
This option in relationships between friends is also possible and no less unpleasant than the above. Imagine that a secret that you entrusted to only one person became known to many. Terrible condition! It becomes clear that the friendship has come to an end. But this is also your fault - before you trust, you should get to know the person well. Learn a lesson for yourself.
6) Manipulative girlfriend
If in a relationship between friends one of them is the leader, then this is probably not a bad thing. However, it happens that one friend suppresses another with her authority, conceit, and narcissism. And this is no longer friendship, but ordinary manipulation. You should notice this behavior of your friend in time so as not to become dependent and get out of this situation in time. Have your own opinion, be able to insist on your own, and maybe everything will work out. Otherwise, we ourselves have a mustache...
7) Girlfriend guardian angel
Finally we have reached the finish line. That is, we got to the real unselfish true friendship. Meet often in life different girlfriends, but only that one (or those in in rare cases), which is real. How to determine this? Yes, each of us knows how, especially since the answer is in the title: guardian angel. Therefore, take care and love such a friend, if you have one. And if not yet, then try to find it. To do this, become yourself and a real friend, and a true friend.
You should also remember that you need to work on any relationship, improve it, learn to take with love and give with love. And then everything will be fine with you!
Of course, friendship between women exists, although it is somewhat different from men's. And this is understandable, because men and women are also different creatures. There are many discussions, disputes, and questions surrounding female friendship, but this phenomenon still remains unexplored.
We do not set ourselves the goal of getting to the bottom of the truth and dotting all the i's. But we can still illuminate this issue from a psychological point of view. So, today we will talk about relationships between girlfriends, the psychology of which is somewhat different from the manifestations of male friendship.
Features of relationships between women
Female friendship can be different; it is also complex and multifaceted, like any human relationship. It often begins in childhood and then continues long years, now weakening, now flaring up with new facets. But it can go out in an instant if there is no one to support the fire.
Relationships between women are always unpredictable, just like themselves. Therefore, the relationship between them reflects the character of their friends. They can carry a connotation of nobility and treachery. They can be warm-hearted, reliable, or bitchy.
Every person needs a friend who will come to the rescue, comfort, and support. Women are no exception. We appreciate our friends for this, too. But in character female relationships In addition to spiritual closeness, there is also jealousy, envy, and treachery.
To maintain your friendship for many years and avoid these negative, painful emotions, remember one thing: important rule: Your friend is only human. And all people are different, ideal people No. Therefore there is no ideal girlfriends. Accept her as she is, don't demand more than she can give you. If you value your relationship, be tolerant of her shortcomings.
Children's friendship
It has been noticed that the longest friendly relations originate in early childhood. First, the girls play together in the sandbox, then they sit at the same school desk. At this time, the girlfriends trustingly whisper their first naive secrets to each other. And so - joint gatherings in the evenings, discos, boys, falling in love. There are no secrets between girlfriends. Relationships are discussed, rivals are ridiculed. Girlfriends go to parties together, choose cosmetics, fashionable clothes.
Conversations last for hours, there is always something to talk about. And my friend knew everything that happened on the first date down to the smallest detail, empathized, was sincerely happy, or could advise something.
But life does not stand still. Life changes, people change, relationships change. Girls have serious relationships with young men, and then one of them gets married.
We talked about true friendship. let's consider psychological aspect imaginary friendship, those relationships that should be avoided:
Envy in relationships
Envy is generally inherent female. Each of us, obviously or in our hearts, considers ourselves, if not the most beautiful, then certainly the smartest. But, unfortunately, not everyone is lucky in life. If you and your friend are deprived of luck, then together you will be happy to share your troubles and feel sorry for each other.
But if one of you is lucky, it may happen that your friend turns into an envious person and then she can easily ruin your life. After all, she considers herself no worse, and sometimes better, than you. Why then were you lucky and not her? She will consider it fair. Most likely, she will want to ruin your happiness in order to eliminate this injustice. Run away from girlfriends like these right away. Why do you need a person next to you who can put a knife in your back if you are lucky in life?
Gossip
If you trust your girlfriend, and this is most likely the case, you will definitely tell her about your experiences, problems in the family, conflict with your husband. You will tell her about your new romance or that your husband has a mistress. And suddenly, after a while, you begin to catch sympathetic or mocking glances from mutual acquaintances. Your secret is discussed among colleagues, acquiring more and more new details.
It becomes clear that the source of the gossip is your chatterbox girlfriend. Leave such a person without looking back. Why do you need a man whose tongue is like a sieve and doesn’t hold anything. Having betrayed once, he will betray again.
A few words in conclusion
In any human relations It is very important to observe the psychological principle of preserving the energy of mental balance. This means giving as much as you receive, no less. Therefore, if you value your friendship, often tell your friend sincere, warm, sincere words. Better be a donor, not a vampire. Only those relationships that are not stained by the poison of hostility, envy, and gossip will bring joy and peace of mind.
And remember that female friendship is always parity, a balance of personal interests, relationships based on mutual respect. And if your relationships begin to be built precisely on these principles, they will be filled with that natural harmony that is now so difficult to find among people.
