Emotional addiction how to get rid of. Emotional Addiction: The Danger of Close Friendships

I can't live without him because I love him! Surely you have heard this phrase many times in the movies, and perhaps you have said it yourself. In fact, this is how many understand the real ones and at the same time they are very mistaken.

This is not love, but dependence - emotional in the first place. She replaces herself and disguises herself quite well as them, but she has one serious difference. Love is a bright, creative freedom. It is always mutual, because it grows only in relationships, it does not give torment.

Unrequited love is the wrong definition. This does not happen in our world. If the relationship causes suffering, then - emotional, material or otherwise - this does not change the essence.

Addiction is a substitute for love

Most often this is manifested in the relationship between a man and a woman. We are all looking for love, it is vital for us to experience with a loved one. But that's the way it is with a healthy person. If a person has an unhealed psychological wound, a gap in his emotional field, he will passionately need love, but is not able to experience it. All that is subject to him is to find himself an object that will feed him with the necessary vital energy.

What is characteristic: the thirst for this love or energy (call it what you want) will never fade away. As if there really is a gaping hole in the soul of a person, through which a feeling flows, and he greedily grabs his source, demanding more and more. This is what is called emotional addiction. Your relationship is sick and doomed until you can heal yourself.

The manifestation of dependence in relationships

If you want, you will find a large number of examples around you. The constant concentration of thoughts on the "beloved" person is exactly that notorious addiction. Emotional in the first place, because these feelings now determine the life of the addict, his relationship with other people, performance, emotional and physical state.

The whole life of an addict is in these relationships. It would seem that the object of such "love" should be happy. It happens, but then you can give an example: young people decide to live together, while the girl devotes herself to her chosen one, puts aside all dreams and plans for the sake of it, works and provides for her family while he receives a prestigious education and builds a career, and then ... he leaves her.

What are the reasons

Why is this happening? Because a person had to not rush into a relationship like a whirlpool, but go to a psychological help center. Instead, he, feeling that he is unhappy in loneliness, connects his hopes for happiness with this relationship.

But how could it be otherwise, because all mental suffering and all complexes disappear under one glance of a loved one! At first, this seems to be the case. But this is only an illusion, which, unfortunately, does not last long. Gradually, conflicts and misunderstandings begin, dissatisfaction with the partner and with oneself.

A person, without realizing it, suffers more and more, and this inevitably leads to the collapse of relationships, separation and even greater pain. And ahead, perhaps, new relationships, into which a person will throw himself with even greater zeal, believing that he has finally found exactly that one. It is easy to assume that the result is quite predictable.

Why is this happening

What is the essence of this phenomenon? Dependent behavior is primarily an attempt to compensate for one's own inferiority. The meaning of such a relationship is that the dependent person is trying to fill the void within himself with a partner. And this emptiness is quite scary. It manifests itself as an endless cold, as an excruciating discomfort, the filling of which is a matter of life and death.

A good psychological help center is what a person needs in such cases, but instead he continues his desperate attempts to find a soul mate and become happy.

The roots of psychological addiction

The above are the reasons for building "sick" relationships, but this phenomenon has its origins. To understand the reasons, you need to go back to deep childhood. When a baby is born, he is in a dependent relationship with his mother. Ideally, they do not feel separate from each other. This guarantees the child care, a sense of trust and protection. If a person normally passes this stage - receives a sufficient amount of love - he will be open to the world and normal relations. If the mother was aloof, gave the child little love, he grows up with her eternal thirst, which will be reflected in dependent relationships.

Second milestone falls on the age of 18-36 months. Now main task the child is the separation, the formation as a person. He tries to do everything himself and should hear “yes” much more often than “no”. The parent should provide security, but not interfere with the exploration of the world. The child must feel that he himself is valuable and the fruits of his activities are also valuable.

It is now that the opportunity is born to feel complete and to enter with other people into a deep, emotional contact. If the development went wrong, if the child's activity was suppressed, scolded, overprotected, then he would get bogged down in a dependent relationship, the whole world would be poisoned by fear and distrust.

Development does not end there, that is, the wounds received can be healed, however, the older we get, the less chance that it will happen. If a person’s need to receive love, acceptance and care was not satisfied in childhood, then he will “stick” to relationships with other people. The basis of dependent relationships is fear of life, self-doubt, a sense of inferiority, increased anxiety.

How dependencies are built

These relationships are a separate topic that can become material for an entire dissertation. Dependent behavior is manifested in the fact that a person is ready to endure anything, just not to be rejected and not to be left alone.

As already mentioned, love in a dependent relationship is a way to compensate for one's own insufficiency. The partner is an object that is designed to complement it to a holistic self. As you can see, such relationships are doomed to failure. The psychological state of both partners will only worsen, although the secondary benefits can save the relationship for a long time.

Development of such relations

In fact, dependent relationships are very limited, in which the psychological territory of one person is completely dissolved in the psychological territory of another. His "self", sovereignty disappears, he ceases to live his own life, completely dissolving in the life of a partner.

However psychological condition under such conditions can only worsen. The task of filling oneself with another person is impossible, since internal integrity is achieved only as a result of the development of internal resources. Addiction is putting another person in the place of God. However, the creation of an idol and serving him to self-forgetfulness does not relieve one's own insufficiency. Addiction is a rejection of oneself.

Different dependency scenarios

There are quite a lot of scenarios according to which the described relations develop. We are all very different, and everyone is trying to get their own benefit. The more emotional person, the more passionately he rushes into such relationships and the faster he burns out. More restrained people, on the contrary, will test their strength, hesitate, but as a result they still won’t be able to get out of them what they need.

Let's look at the main scenarios of dependent relationships, none of which has a place for true intimacy, responsibility and love. Emotional Features people determine which option they will choose:

1. Reflection in a partner. The benefit of a dependent person here is obvious: he chooses for himself such a partner who will constantly show him that he is extraordinary. It is difficult to say who loses more in these relationships. A dependent person will constantly demand that his chosen one express his love, satisfy his desires, every day would seek his location. That is, dooms to constantly prove that he is better than others and worthy of love. As soon as the partner gets tired of serving as a mirror, the relationship falls apart.
2. Relinquishing your own sovereignty. This is the dissolution of one's world in someone else's. The feeling of affection in this case is so great that a person lives in the interests of his chosen one. All responsibility for life is transferred to him, and with it for desires, goals and aspirations. That is, the addict plays the role of a child. And the more emotional child, the more difficult it will be to build such relationships.
3. There may also be a reverse situation, when a dependent person seeks to absorb his partner himself, deprive him of sovereignty, subdue him. The emotional-volitional person in this case plays the role of a parent. He guides him, relying on the idea: "He can't do it himself, I know better what is best for him."
4. Absolute possession and destruction of the psychological territory of the object of love. That is, a partner for a dependent person in this case is perceived as a thing, and complete possession of him allows you to feel strong and significant. Moreover, responsibility for the life of a partner is declared, but not carried out, they are simply used. On it you can test your own ability to rule.

The main symptoms of emotional dependence

Only at first glance, strong attachment (read - addiction) is a synonym for love. In fact, this is a destructive relationship that you need to be able to see. How to see dependence behind numerous masks? First of all, in this case, partners often conflict, sort things out, quarrel. At the same time, the dependent partner seeks to maintain these relationships at any cost. Despite insults, humiliation, beatings, jealousy and betrayal, he will find hundreds of reasons for himself to stay together.

It is noteworthy that the addict is constantly striving to save his partner, to change him for the better. This can be seen most clearly in the example of a chronic alcoholic and his wife. At the same time, the addict refuses to perceive reality, he continues to be in the illusion that everything will work out. For him, the whole world narrows down to a single object, he stops communicating with friends, stops doing what he loves.

Internal changes depend on how emotional personality. But most often his mood changes to depressive and depressed. He is more and more convinced of his own unattractiveness, self-esteem falls before our eyes. The addict tends to hide from others problems in relationships with a partner.

Moreover, he can simultaneously earn for himself one or more types of addiction. Not necessarily it will be alcohol or drugs - someone will become a shopaholic, the other will get hooked on sweets. Finally, completes the list of symptoms of violation physical health. It's sleep disturbance and indigestion, skin diseases and psychosomatic illnesses.

How to get rid of emotional addiction

A qualified psychologist can help you get out of the described situation. If you live in Moscow, you can contact the Gestalt center, where they are waiting for you the best specialists in your area.

In fact, any therapy is an appeal to oneself, a return to the roots, to early childhood, to healing himself with the power of love, which was not enough then. This is what the psychologist will offer you.

The next step is to do a very important thing - to recognize the existence of dependence. One of the signs of this is its complete denial. Until you stop and turn to face it, you will be doomed to run from it for the rest of your life, pretending that you simply do not see it. Only after that you can move on to a new stage, to studying yourself, to deepening contact with yourself, feeling own desires, long atrophied and forgotten, their feelings, needs and boundaries. Now it becomes possible to work with self-esteem and the ability to accept yourself.

Experience strong emotions dependent people are usually blocked. Often we fall into addiction precisely when we are unable to accept our anxiety and fear, shame and guilt.

Repression of feelings is not freedom, and you already know where this path leads. Therefore, an important direction in working with a psychologist is the gradual discovery of the entire spectrum of feelings. You have to allow yourself to live them, to feel them, to change with them. From here, another path opens - taking responsibility for your life. And this is at the same time a denial of responsibility for the lives of other people, for their fate and decisions. This is the only way to establish healthy boundaries in a relationship. This immediately resolves great amount problems, conflicts, resentment and pressure.

Deep Level Healing

When all the previous steps are completed, the opportunity to move to a new level will open. A therapist can help you regain your ability to feel vulnerable and attached, your need for intimacy. The release of the inner child is a long and difficult process. Usually, in order to complete this process, it is necessary to work out the consequences psychological trauma. Working with traumatic experience is the need to mourn and say goodbye to unfulfilled childhood happiness, to those dreams that have remained unfulfilled. As a result of such grief, we grow up.

Finally, the last task remains - to learn constructive communication without manipulation. We must learn to accept ourselves and others, to endure reality and its discrepancy with our expectations, to accept own emotions accept and share responsibility. And at the same time stay in touch with your inner child. Psychological help will be invaluable for acquiring new skills.

Emotional dependence on a relationship with another person can be redirected from one partner to another. They say, "a wedge is knocked out by a wedge", in my opinion - this is about dependent relationships. There is such an idea that in order to quickly forget one partner, you need to meet another. From my observations, this really works, you can forget about a partner, carried away by another. But here's what's sad emotional dependence while not going anywhere.

Emotional dependency is dependence on a relationship with another person. Emotional dependence can be very difficult to recognize, as its presence is often confused with strong love feelings. Culture strenuously plays with the images of those who loved and died on the same day or suffered in the name of true love, and thereby elevates the psychological deviation to the rank of the norm. In science, a person who cannot live without another person is called a child (or disabled person). However, in the eyes of most of the globe, the experiences of one person who cannot live without another are called love. I have repeatedly heard the phrase: “If I didn’t love, I wouldn’t worry like that” or “I suffer because I love.” Suffering, the impossibility of being oneself or being happy without another sometimes completely abstract “person who would love me” or “person who would be next to me” are inextricably linked with love. Many people live in unsatisfactory, destructive relationships, believing that this is how it should be - "in order to strong feelings and it is impossible to be without each other for a long time ”- and not realizing that it could be different.

healthy, harmonious personality able to create relationships with many other personalities. This is due to the fact that “the central motivation of a person is an internal need to achieve rich, complex and passionate relationships with oneself, parents, peers, community, animals, nature, the outside world and the spiritual world” (L. Marcher, Danish psychotherapist). it's not someone who doesn't experience emotional experiences and the need to form close relationships with others. This is the one who is not destroyed by them, who does not make another person a pledge of his happiness or misfortune.

Signs of emotional dependence:

1. Happiness is possible only if there is a relationship and another person who loves or who is nearby;

2. Love, friendship are impossible without complete dissolution in each other, without complete surrender of life at the disposal of another person;

3. Relationships become destructive, accompanied by intense jealousy, numerous heavy conflicts, a constant threat of rupture, but the real, final rupture does not reach;

4. It's hard in a relationship, it's impossible without a relationship;

5. The absence of a relationship, an object of love / affection, or the thought of absence causes severe pain, fear, depression, apathy, despair;

6. Relationships cannot be broken off on their own: "Until he leaves me himself, we will not be able to leave."

Relationships in which there is emotional dependence are always very tense, conflicting, difficult relationship. This is due to the fact that if one person is so significant for another person that all his “good”, all his well-being, all his happiness depends on him, then all his “bad”, all his misfortunes also depend entirely on the other person. . On this account, you should not flatter yourself. Love coupled with emotional dependence is always associated with hatred in the end, since the hunger of an emotionally dependent person cannot be satisfied.

Another feeling that always accompanies addictive relationships is resentment. Resentment is a feeling of sacrifice, a feeling that is born when a person cannot show his primary feelings - anger and pain and adequately respond to the pain caused to him by another person.

The development of a tendency to emotional (and any other) dependence occurs during infancy, from one month to one and a half years. During this period, the child develops an idea of ​​how his interaction with the outside world is arranged (and will be arranged in the future). He forms an idea of ​​whether the world hears him (at that time in the face of mom and dad) or not, whether he satisfies his needs for security, nutrition, bodily comfort, communication, acceptance, love or does not satisfy, and if he satisfies, then to what extent, how completely. Developmental Disorders in given period give rise to a person’s feeling of “hunger” for relationships, for love, for affection, for emotional and bodily intimacy. Such a person is in constant search ideal parent”, a person who would compensate him for what he once did not receive: unconditional love, unconditional acceptance, reading his needs without speaking them out loud, immediate satisfaction of his needs - and would saturate him with his love. Of course, in this form it is impossible to obtain. There is only one period in life when our needs can be met in this way. perfect way- it's childhood. The inability to receive it from another person generates intense anger, pain and despair. And again, the hope that someday someone will love us so much that they will understand everything we want and do it for us, will be with us all the time and will always be within reach for contact.

Dealing with emotional dependency

1. Working with emotional addiction consists of constantly separating yourself from the object of addiction, from constantly addressing yourself with questions: “what I want that to me do I need?”, “Does the other want or do I want?”, “What exactly do I need?”, “How do I understand whether I get something or not?”, “By what signs will I understand that I am loved and accept?" An emotionally dependent person needs to learn to distinguish between his own feelings and the feelings of another person, his own and other people's needs. It is important to understand that you and your object are not the same, you cannot and should not without fail experience the same feelings, have the same desires. This type of relationship is needed by the mother and the child so that the mother understands and satisfies the needs of the infant until he can say about them himself. But for adults, this type of relationship is a dead end, it does not give the development that occurs when differences come into contact. Work with emotional dependence should be constantly aimed at distinguishing yourself from another person: “Here I am, and here he is. Here we are similar, but here we are different. I can have my feelings, my desires, and he can have his, and this is not a threat to our intimacy. We don't have to give up relationship, contact, to satisfy our various desires."

2. Important point- this is the recognition of one's own needs and desires and the search for ways to satisfy them outside the partner. Getting love and support is possible not only from one person. The more sources of their receipt, the less burden falls on the partner. The more a person is independent in meeting his needs, the less he depends on another person.

3. It is important to remember that the source of love and acceptance can be not only external, but also internal. The more such sources you find, the less you will depend on the people around you and their acceptance or rejection of you. Look for what nourishes, supports, inspires and develops you. These can be spiritual values, interests, hobbies, hobbies, personal qualities and personal characteristics, as well as own body, feelings, sensations.

4. Notice the moments when you are loved and supported, even if these are small signs of attention. Speak to yourself that at this moment you are seen, heard, accepted. And be sure to address the body and physical sensations, since the period of formation of addiction is infancy, the period of dominance of the body and its needs. It is through bodily contact with mom and other loved ones, through nutrition and bodily comfort, the child understands that he is loved, and the first to learn to recognize his bodily needs. At the moment when you receive love and support from those around you, turn your attention to the body, notice how the body reacts to this, where and how in the body you feel that you are loved, what kind of sensations it is. Memorize them and refer to them at the moment when you need it, without involving other people for this.

5. Learn to face the fact that other people cannot be around you all the time, cannot recognize without words what you want or do not want, cannot express their love all the time. Each person has his own rhythm of intimacy and alienation, activity and peace, communication and solitude, giving and receiving. Having their own rhythm, and periodically leaving close contact, they do not stop loving you less and do not become bad. The most prosperous child faces loving family(not to mention the surrounding world) with the fact that not all of his needs can be satisfied, or satisfied immediately, or in the form in which he wants. This is really impossible. You can regret this, be sad, but it is not at all necessary to collapse from this.

6. Imagine what happens if you lose your external source emotional well-being- partner (friend, group of friends or associates). It will probably be painful, unbearable, bitter, scary, hard. Try to get through it. It's not easy, but it's your experience, your life. At the same time, rely on the resources that I talked about in paragraphs 3 and 4. Remember the period when this person was not yet in your life. You lived without it, although it may have been difficult for you. Nevertheless, life went on as usual.

7. What is the most beautiful thing in your relationship with another person (or maybe in a relationship with another person)? Describe it in as much detail as possible. What do you most need from him? Describe this feeling or ideal condition. Remember it or recreate it. Try to feel it with your whole body. Where in your body does it originate? Remember this place and these feelings. Stay in this state for a while. Then think about other ways you can get it in life.

Addiction is an attempt to live off other people's resources (or substances). The best medicine from addiction is to live your life.

(c) Elena Sultanova, counseling psychologist, trauma therapist, trainer
Source

Emotional dependency is negative pattern of behavior leading to serious personality disorders.

Such a state has characteristic features.

How to interest a girl or a guy by correspondence? Learn about it from ours.

Concept and types

What it is?

Emotional dependency is a state of expression psychological dependence from another person, whose opinion and words completely determine emotional condition the subject itself.

Similar unhealthy attachment leads to the fact that a person is completely immersed in a relationship with the subject, whom he has chosen as a "deity" and ceases to live his own life.

There are several types of emotional dependency.

From a man

In the presence of a strong attachment to another person, this other person is appointed as an “idol”, which must be worshiped.

All words, deeds, actions of this person are standard. They completely determine the views of the victim of emotional dependence, her behavior, desires.

As a result, completely the person's identity is lost. He ceases to objectively evaluate himself as an independent subject. There is a merger with one's "deity", whose life and interests come to the fore.

From approval

A person can be dependent not only on the opinion of a particular object, but also on public opinion generally.

Desire to make a positive impression on others win approval These are typical traits of an emotionally dependent person.

Such a person may initially choose an inappropriate type of activity for him, take on many extraneous responsibilities, forget about own plans and desires for the sake of other people's interests, etc.

Often such individuals do what no one demanded of them and did not even expect. out of a desire to please and impress. At the same time, they act in this way not only among acquaintances, friends or colleagues, but also among absolutely strangers.

Desire to win the approval of others most often is based on the following aspirations:

• avoid loneliness;
• become in demand;
• fill the void in the soul with emotions received from other people.

Main danger similar behavior lies in the fact that self-esteem is based not on their own ideas about themselves, but on the opinions and attitudes of other people.

From relationships

People who are in love relationships, are always dependent on each other to some extent..

But with a pronounced emotional attachment of one of the partners, the relationship ceases to be healthy.

A person experiencing from a relationship, makes your partner the meaning of your life.

There is a constant need for communication, attention, telephone conversations etc. If the object of affection for some reason becomes inaccessible, a feeling of fear appears.

A person who is in does not feel the fullness of life without his partner and does not feel complete. This kind of thinking ends up harms not only him, but also the object of his passion.

The second member of the couple has the burden of responsibility for the happiness and peace of mind of his dependent partner. He is forced to constantly be in touch, control his emotions, answer endless questions, etc.

The reasons

The main reasons why emotional attachment occurs:

How to get away from emotional attachment?

Because the similar condition is negative, it is important to find ways out of it.

Treatment Methods

Reach effective results You can use the following auto-training methods:

If you cannot solve the problem yourself using these methods, you should seek help from specialists.

In particular severe cases emotional dependencies can lead to serious depressive conditions that pose a danger to human health and life.

If necessary, the psychotherapist develops a treatment program that includes not only sessions, but also the appointment of antidepressants, tranquilizers.

Drying technique

You can remove the dependency with drying technique. Its use allows you to break the connection with the object of attachment.

It is necessary to retire to a quiet place and carefully consider the connection that exists with another person. You can try to visualize the image of this connection.

How she looks like? Where does it start? What emotions does it evoke?

The answers to all these questions will understand true feelings The that the anchor object calls.

Then it should be imagined that the connection was abruptly cut off. Most likely, similar image will cause discomfort. After that, it is important to indicate the purpose of the connection. What does this connection provide?

Next you need imagine yourself from the position of "Super Me". This is an improved version of the personality, in which all the desired features of the "idol" are collected. It is important to feel this version of yourself and realize the possibility of its existence.

Now you need to re-imagine the disconnect and instantly replace it with new connection- with his "Super Me". As a result, it appears new object on which you can rely.

It is important to feel gratitude for the connection left and imagine that part of it goes to the past object of affection. This will allow him to reach the state of "Super Me". In the end, the break will be a good thing for both parties.

Last step - integration. Here there is a merger with its improved version, the transition to new level self perception.

How to get rid of addiction?

Methods of getting rid of addiction are universal for men and women, but there are some differences, taking into account the characteristics of the psychology of the sexes.

From a man

women by nature created for families and children.

For this reason, they consider any relationship with a man from the point of view of creating a family in the future.

The increased emotionality of most women, their need for love and care often lead to strong affection to the chosen one.

How to break emotional connection with a man or husband? You can get rid of it like this:

1. Remove responsibility from the man. It is important to realize that a man is not a source of stability and confidence.

   He is only a partner who complements the life of the original whole, versatile woman.

2. Get rid of fears. Constantly important (achievements, hobbies, self-care). Then the fear of losing a man will be replaced by calmness, self-confidence.
3. Avoid negative expectations. Often past negative experience hinders building full relationship in future. Should be blocked bad thoughts and don't overthink the situation.

From a woman

Men, unlike women, are more focused on external achievements (career success, wealth etc.). Therefore, most often those men who are emotionally dependent are who have not been very successful.

Because of their incompetence, they don't feel confident afraid of losing a partner. How to get out of emotional dependence on a woman?

Solutions to the problem:

In this way, get rid of emotional addiction really. It is important to realize that existing relationship carry negativity and take steps to change the situation.

Emotional dependence in relationships - advice from a professional psychologist:

Emotional dependence is a type of relationship that is not built on love and respect, but on constant feeding on the feelings of a partner. To receive each other's emotions is as necessary for such couples as it is for a drug addict to take a dose on time.

Each of us can remember such acquaintances, or even see it in ourselves, who either hate or also fanatically adore each other. In their free time from love, they constantly complain to their acquaintances about the shortcomings of their partner. They complain but don't leave. Sacredly believing that by your actions, you can tune another person to the right wave. However, these are already clinical cases that can end quite sadly. In a small percentage, almost everyone has such an addiction. It is expressed even in such "little things" as the imposition of one's way of life, as the only correct one. An article from psychologist Svetlana Ananyina you can find out " »

I know how to!

Indeed, why are we firmly convinced that it is our position that is the standard correct. Why, for example, we are sure that in the morning you need to eat porridge, and meat not before dinner. Or vice versa, in the morning you need to thoroughly refresh yourself. After school, you must go to college. No, it’s right to immediately go to work and be financially independent. We can accept and moreover respect other people's opinions, but to be honest, for ourselves, we are always right.

Where do all these truths come from? Psychologist Xenia Gzoim explains that all these life principles are just attitudes and patterns that we received in childhood, and successfully pumped into adult life. Yes, nothing new, everything comes from childhood, and whether in the future a person will be dependent on relationships, in the hands of his parents.

“If you don’t finish your meal now, mom will be upset, mom’s heart hurts because you misbehave” are the seeds from which emotional dependence germinates. Some strategies are being adopted. It turns out that someone depends on how the other person feels. How, a little baby, who is five years old, can know that this is not true? How can he determine whether his mother's heart hurts or not? And if it hurts, from him specifically or for other reasons. He doesn't try, he just believes. Every child unconditionally trusts his parents. Since mom and dad said so, then this is the truth. From that moment on, it begins to be postponed for him as a kind of pattern, as an attitude in a relationship. This attitude is emotional dependence.

Templates for the subconscious

Gradually, the child begins to accumulate his life experience, observe how relationships are built in his family and acquire new attitudes. If parents say: “If you don’t know how to cook, no one will love you, or that only people with higher education succeed” - all this is deposited in the subconscious in the form of life guidelines. Children do not yet know how to collect and analyze information and do not know how other families live. Therefore, it seems to them that, as is customary in their home, so it is in the rest of the world.

When a person grew up, these patterns were already so rooted in him that they became part of his personality. Get into his mindset. And this is the most important thing. It seems to him that these inoculations of upbringing are himself. Such a person can say as much as he likes, how to do it and not to do it, and what it will lead to, but he will only brush it off, confident in the correctness of his actions. He believes that this is who he is, but in fact these are his habits. This is how he was taught as a child. Has been affected limbic system brain*, which, among other things, plays an important role in learning. Roughly speaking, a man, like a dog, was trained.

Presentation for a partner

Having come into adulthood, he begins to put his patterns into practice. Including in personal relationships. When meeting, because of the desire to please, a more advantageous part of the personality is presented. Some pretty signage. It is chosen naturally, based on instilled beliefs. The one who is sure that his opinion should be kept to himself will step on the throat of his own song, for fear of being rejected. And all because his parents once inspired him that he did not understand anything and "listen to what we tell you." Formerly a child adjusted to mom and dad as significant adults, but now, the partner acts as a “big” person. If the presentation went well and the patterns matched, the man and woman continue to communicate. In love with each other's qualities, tempting prospects for a joint future open up.

real side

But the closer the couple gets together, the more the real side comes out. People become who they really are. Every person has an inner "I". The real essence cannot be knocked out by any installations. As they get closer, a woman and a man show each other their true nature. Because 24 hours a day, no one can act according to a pattern. Including not the most open the best sides. And as he says Xenia Gzoim - this is normal. Man is built on the principle of a battery; it has pluses and minuses. Depending on the situation, different poles of personality appear. You can't be good or bad all the time. Although many people try. This is a direct path to an appointment with a psychologist.

The only snag in such a relationship is that they liked each other precisely with their attitudes. One was satisfied with the pliability of a partner, and the other was the status of a successful careerist. And with the newly opened facets of the personality, the chosen one is not clear how to contact. At this stage, many new and unexpected events occur. For example, a person who is always compliant can have a tantrum out of nowhere. Even, because of three spoons of sugar in coffee, instead of two. - "How could you forget" - shouts the offended side. The other does not understand why so many emotions because of a trifle. Of course, it's not all about the coffee.

Psychological carousel or I need to punish you

Noticing something was wrong, each of the couple believes that if a person seemed different to him at first, then this image can be returned. It just needs to be done. At this point, the trap closes and they fall into a vicious circle called emotional dependency. Dances on feelings begin; if I do so, then he responds by doing that. When I see his behavior, I react in this way. You get hung up on your reactions. Each of them has its own installation, which is sacredly observed. If a partner violates adopted rules he should be punished. All this happens unconsciously. Everyone is 100% sure they are right. They were brought up that way, which means it's true. It happens that out of guilt, the partner returns the behavior that his half likes. But he can't stay there forever. This means that his actions will again upset the other side. Punishment, as usual, will not keep you waiting, and behind it the feeling of guilt. Again and again, they spin the psychological carousel.

Being in constant stress, a person thinks about his every step, and is afraid to give new occasion for scandal. But this is in vain, because in this state of affairs, there will always be a reason for a scandal.

Fantasy world

Another indicator of emotional dependence is thinking for a partner. Each participant in the relationship knows in advance how his chosen one will behave. With a sharply opened gift of clairvoyance, a person “sees” what awaits them in the future. Statements of the second half can be supplemented with new words. - “I didn’t say, but I thought, but I’m afraid to say it out loud” - this is how mystical thinking tells people. The fulcrum is past experience and information from outside. For example, many women, the answer to the question - how to be happy in a relationship, like to look for female forms. Taking a piece of everything, the "foreteller" finds himself in a fantasy world of the alleged development of events. Being in it, he spends all his energy on coming up with “cunning” moves to restore harmony in relationships. Leaning naturally, on the picture of reality created by him. It is very difficult to bring such a person back to reality.

Of course, this state brings suffering. But they are familiar and understandable. The new line of conduct and view of reality is frightening and frustrating. In this case, you will have to face unpleasant facts. For example, that the partner is not at all what he seemed. It was just a template appearance. This will have to do something and decide, and this is more difficult than running in circles. The unknown is scary. Plus, it takes effort to change the situation. In suffering, everything is simple and understandable; all of them, solely through the fault of the partner.

Problem of two

What to do? And how to get rid of addiction? To begin with, admit your mistakes, and turn off the victim syndrome. The task is not easy, but feasible. The success of the process depends on internal development personality.

When embarking on the healing process, it should be remembered that there are always two who are emotionally dependent. That’s why they are relationships, you can’t participate in them alone. If one partner has pronounced patterns of dependence, and the other is more adequate, then such relationships will quickly fall apart. Because the conditionally normal side will not allow you to exploit your emotions. Instead, there is an open conversation, which is very scary.

the other side. Emotionally dependent, afraid of talking directly, they prefer manipulation. To solve problems with an honest dialogue, no one taught them. Here is another way to get rid of addiction - to kill it with the truth.

It happens that one in a couple is addicted, and the other is struggling with his illness, while becoming counter-dependent. But in this case, he, like his partner, is fond of vicious circle not healthy relationships. One way or another, but emotional dependence is always a problem of two.

Feeling of loss

As a rule, in most of these couples, there is no need to talk about love. In the beginning there is love, and then the emotional rush begins. It is she who brings suffering, and not love itself, as it seems to people. Love is a bright and positive feeling aimed at creation, not destruction. loving person able to let go, emotionally dependent clings to relationships by all possible ways. He can do this, even after parting.

“He (a) left me (a) - such phrases can often be heard from both men and women. Although, if you think about it, it becomes obvious that you cannot leave an adult and capable person. You can only get away from it. In the very formulation of this phrase is hidden psychological problem. Language very clearly reflects the type of thinking. Threw - this is the installation. The person actually thinks and feels that he has been abandoned. There was someone nearby, big and great, into whom a lot of significance was "crammed". Against the background of his importance, the other partner seems weak and helpless to himself. According to the description, this relationship is a child - an adult. The adult left, but I "child" remained. A child cannot survive without an adult. So it seems to the “abandoned” that he has no future without his lover who left him. His feelings correspond to the hysteria of the baby, left without attention. The only difference is that the adult is free in his movements. For example, he can go to a bar and drown his sadness with alcohol.

Such people feel inner emptiness. This happens because, it seems to them that the other person has qualities and functions, without which successful life impossible. Naturally this is not true. It is possible that some functions were really performed for two by one participant in the relationship, and with a break, the loss of these functions is perceived as a huge loss. How did he live before the fateful meeting,

"left to the mercy of fate", happily forgets. There is a loss of touch with reality.

Stress as a way of life

However constant stress harmful to the body, and any suffering must have its end. But not for the emotionally addicted. Such people can maintain their experiences for years. This happens because a person has found a positive side in the role of a victim. For example, having stopped suffering, you will have to face the real picture own life and start solving problems to improve it. And while you are suffering, there is a reason to do nothing. It is the fear of facing what lies ahead.

Rescue of the drowning

But back to the issue of recovery. The answer, how to get rid of emotional addiction, is the same as with other types of addiction - a person must want to overcome it himself. Intervention from outside is useless. Moreover, in such situations, the principle works in reverse; how more human you try to save, the more comfortable he is in his problem. But as soon as he realizes that there is nowhere to wait for help, the brain begins to work actively, and at least the addict stops aggravating the situation.

With regard to emotional dependence, here the two must work as a single organism. Unless, of course, they care about their relationship. One person cannot change the situation. He may leave, but since he has no experience in building healthy relationships, there is a high probability of repeating old mistakes. It is impossible to get such experience without a partner. A person has acquired patterns in relationships with parents, and he can also get rid of them, through relationships, only with a partner. If it fails without outside help, you should not look for a recipe for happiness in dubious sources. It is better to seek help from a specialist. The acquisition of a new relationship model through psychological therapy is the work of psychologists, not philosophers from the forums.

Advice from the Author: The main thing in our life is love, without it any relationship is not healthy. Therefore, look for a person in a partner, and do not be deceived by his skills and functions. Build your happiness on truth and mutual respect.

Limbic system * - (from lat. limbus - border, edge) - a set of a number of brain structures. envelops upper part brain stem, asbelt, and forms its edge (limb). Participates in the regulation of functions internal organs, smell, automatic regulation, emotions, memory, sleep, wakefulness and others. Receiving information about the external and internal environment of the body, the limbic system triggers vegetative and somatic reactions that ensure adequate adaptation of the body to the external environment.

Emotional dependence in psychology is considered as an unhealthy attachment to another person, manifested by the strongest emotional reaction to all forms of contact with the object of dependence. In a dependent relationship, a person experiences contrasting swings of emotions from brightly positive (euphoria, admiration, happiness) to sharply negative (jealousy, anger, resentment, anger).

In such a relationship, there comes a time when negative emotions begin to prevail, but getting rid of painful relationships seems impossible to the dependent person. All spheres of life go by the wayside for him, giving way to unhealthy relationships. Breaking free from addiction on your own is impossible. A sharp break can lead a person to severe depression and even suicidal thoughts. Only a professional psychologist can help in this case.

How does emotional addiction occur?

Psychologists say that the causes of emotional dependence should always be sought in childhood. Particularly prone to this form of interaction are people who in action were rejected by their parents. At the same time, it is not at all necessary that the mother or father abandon the child - it is enough not to show interest, not pay due attention and ignore his requests in order to grossly violate emotional contact. Further, in the process of upbringing, the child seeks to earn the love of his parents with "good" deeds, suppressing his desires and interests.

Having experienced negative experiences in childhood, such people already in adulthood strive for maximum intimacy in building relationships, losing their identity and following the interests of a partner. Most often, an emotional dependence on a man or woman in a love relationship is established. Children's fear being rejected makes a person do everything to please a partner, losing freedom and not listening to their own desires.

Signs of Addiction

Psychologists have found that emotional dependence in a relationship on a partner always develops according to one scenario and makes him co-dependent. This scenario is "rapist and victim". And it doesn't have to happen in pairs. physical violence. Often this is manifested by the high interest of one partner, against the background of indifference and coldness of the other. In addictive relationships, people experience a wide range of different emotions, which makes it difficult for them to fight addiction.

Characteristic signs of dependent relationships:

• an obsessive feeling of jealousy, manifested by distrust and hypercontrol;
• the desire to spend every minute with the object of addiction;
• the development of apathy and depressive states in case of forced separation from a partner;
• lack of own hobbies and interests in favor of the life priorities of another person;
• concentration of all plans for the future, hopes and expectations on the object of dependence;
• readiness to forgive and endure insults, betrayals, violence and other manifestations of sacrifice;
• lack of interest in work, friends and other areas of life.

How to get rid of emotional dependence?

Overcoming emotional dependence on a husband or wife means more than just breaking up. Practice shows that a person prone to dependent relationship, will repeat the same scenario with each partner. Psychotherapy in this case is aimed at using the method of deep psychoanalysis to return to a person the lost personality and self-love. Only the study of problems and childhood traumas helps to feel like an independent unit, worthy of love and respect.