My husband is selfish! How to re-educate? Male ego: how to re-educate an egoist man.
There is an opinion in society that women are selfish creatures who crave to be taken care of and fulfill the slightest whims. Poor men must deny themselves everything to please their beloved. This happens, but ends quickly after completion candy-bouquet period. Representatives of the stronger sex remember themselves and begin to think about their own ego, looking for personal gain in relationships to the detriment of their interests loved one. How to behave with an egoistic man and is there a chance to re-educate your lover?
What is selfishness
The desire for self-development, attempts to make life better, to achieve the goal by any means and at the same time set individual interests above the feelings of other people - this is how selfish individuals are characterized. What is the male ego? This is a focus solely on personal needs, feelings and experiences. Egoists want to have all the benefits that others have, their inner male ego is insatiable and makes them constantly think that a person is deprived of something, he feels a lack of unknown something. Often selfish men they are lonely, cannot build a normal relationship with a woman, they are completely self-absorbed, in marriage they try on the role of a tyrant and are endlessly unhappy if their chosen one does not want to devote her life entirely to fulfilling the whims of her lover.
How to recognize an egoist
The egoist man demands increased attention to his person, wants instant fulfillment of his whims, without thinking about the feelings of other people. It is not difficult to recognize the signs of an egoist; you just need to take a closer look at the behavior in a certain situation. This character trait is inherent in every person, but normal people egocentricity is balanced by other qualities.
Characteristic signs of an egoist man:
- irresponsibility towards others: it is impossible to rely on him - his own requests come first, which means he will ignore your requests if he does not see personal benefit in them;
- a selfish guy does not bother to apologize, his narcissism and pride do not allow him to admit mistakes, even if he is really wrong;
- other people's opinions do not matter, he cannot make joint decisions and is not interested in other people's thoughts;
- male egoism manifests itself in relationships emotional abuse: a partner can morally humiliate and verbally offend a partner, but no apology can be expected;
- Selfish people do not know how to express their feelings openly - they do not see the need for this, but they expect increased attention and care from their other half.
If a man shows signs of an egoist, then it will be very difficult to build a normal relationship with him. Before starting an affair or deciding to marry the owner of a hypertrophied ego, you should think many times about whether you are mentally prepared for the upcoming difficulties of re-education, and whether you can accept it if your efforts do not give the desired result.
Is it possible to build normal relationship with a selfish nature
How to re-educate a selfish man? Many women think it is very easy. The female sex often cannot imagine the extent of male selfishness, assuming that she can correct his behavior with a simple frank conversation. In fact, to overcome extreme selfishness, you will have to put in a lot of effort and patience.
The problem of “getting married successfully” has been solved, but behind it in a woman’s life there can be no less a difficult situation called "my husband-egoist" The man quickly realizes that after wedding banquet The period of feigned gallantry is officially over, and confidently returns to the usual selfishness.
Such a husband, without any remorse, will be the first to take the bathroom, even if he knows that his wife is late, will eat the last candy from the bowl, and is also unlikely to let him go ahead in the elevator.
There is only one justification for choosing an egoist - all women are confident that after marriage they will be able to rehabilitate their wayward spouse. The veil of love covers the eyes, and there are clear signs inappropriate behavior men are becoming increasingly difficult to notice. Yes, sooner or later the situation opens up in all its glory, and then you have to fight the unshakable male nature. But before you begin a comprehensive impact, understand the motives for the actions of your “domestic” egoist.
Reasons for your man's selfish behavior
The root cause of this behavior always lies in childhood. Most likely, your husband has always been real " mama's boy": Mom gave all of herself and did not demand anything in return for the sake of the happiness of her beloved child. And if everything really happened like that, re-education will be very difficult, and may not give any results at all. General formation personality is completed at the age of 16, and if this same “personality” always got what she wanted and lived in permissiveness, it will be quite difficult for her to give up benefits and learn to give.
The second reason for a husband's selfishness is his wife's behavior. You placed it comfortably on your neck on your own, then why are you complaining now? Fortunately, this situation can still be changed, but everything will have to be done gradually so that your spouse does not perceive the change in your behavior as proof that he has fallen out of love, and does not go looking for a more understanding woman on the side.
Types of selfish husbands
Before answering the question " Selfish husband - what to do? We should take a closer look at the classification of domestic egoists.
After the wedding, when the courtship is over, the man returns to his usual way of life. At this time, the woman is faced with the problem: “My husband is selfish!” Male egoism can destroy relationships and bring disappointment and resentment into a woman’s life. So what is he really like, a man - an egoist? What is its nature and psychology? Is it possible to eradicate selfishness from a man and make the relationship happy? You will find answers to these questions in this article.
Signs of a selfish man
An egoist is a person who puts his own interests above others. This is the person who forces the people around him to fulfill his needs.
It is important for a woman to understand what selfishness really is. Examples from practical psychology:
- A girl comes and says: “my husband is an egoist.” And, according to the girl, her husband’s selfishness is manifested in the fact that once a month he gets up in the morning and goes fishing to take a break from noisy city and unload emotionally.It is quite strange that in this situation the man is characterized as an egoist. The question arises: who is here and at the expense of whom satisfies their needs? A man who wants to relax at the expense of his resources, or a girl who satisfies her needs for attention at the expense of a man?
- Another situation. The girl wants to change her profession and move on career ladder, but the man tells her: “First of all, you must fulfill my nutritional needs and clean housing. Your career is secondary." This behavior of a man is real selfishness.
So are there signs of male egoism?
First of all, these are ultimatum demands. When a partner in this case a man makes demands on a woman that she satisfy his needs immediately and leave her own for later. For example, a man says: “Make me lunch first, and then go about your business.” Again, you always need to consider the context of the situation.
If a woman is in this moment is not busy, then the man can ask her to prioritize in that order. But if a woman is in a hurry, and a man makes demands on her to satisfy his own needs for food, then this is selfishness. Accordingly, if a man constantly makes demands on a woman aimed at him and always puts the woman’s interests in the background, we can say with confidence that this man is an egoist.
Reasons for selfishness
The reason for selfishness lies in upbringing. Most likely, in childhood, the mother was too protective of her son, giving him everything he wanted and not demanding anything in return.
If this is so, it is almost impossible to re-educate such a man. The formation of personality has already taken place long ago, and no one wants to voluntarily give up an easy life and permissiveness.
Another reason for a man becoming an egoist could be your behavior, when from the first minutes of meeting a man was allowed to sit on a woman’s neck. This became his habit and became a matter of course. A selfish husband should be re-educated gradually so that he does not think that he has stopped being loved.
Is it worth living with a selfish man?
The first thought of a woman faced with her husband’s selfishness is the thought of divorce. However, this is not the best idea, since all men are selfish to some extent. By breaking off a relationship with one, you can get the same result with another man.
Before you decide to divorce, you should carefully assess the degree of criticality of the situation and reconsider your own requirements for your husband (if they are too high, and you are used to being indulged by everyone, then a relationship with a mature person may indeed seem like selfishness on his part, although in this case it would rather your own egoism takes place).
Take into account the difference in the psychology of how a man and a woman perceive a situation, as well as the fact that the husband does not have a telepathic function. Therefore, the option of establishing contact and trying to tell your husband about your desires and expectations can work, turning him from an egoist into a caring spouse
Only mutual discussion of the problem with your husband can lead to a positive result!
How to live with a selfish husband
If your husband is lazy and selfish, but you still love him, then you should reconsider your attitude towards life, yourself and the requirements in a relationship.
Improve yourself
If we proceed from the fact that people meet along the path of life to learn a lesson and gain experience, then from the selfish behavior of your spouse you can organize a self-improvement practice for yourself, instead of constantly complaining to your friends about your husband.
Try to develop in a field where you can receive praise and achieve various achievements. This is necessary so that your life is morally easier, since primacy in family stories you will have to give in to your husband, and you will have to come to terms with it. Selfish people value themselves and their work very much, so when communicating with friends, your husband will praise himself and downplay your merits. To avoid a critical decline in self-esteem, provide yourself with places and people where you will have the opportunity to get real positive assessment your talents.
Love yourself
The first thing life with an egoist can teach is self-love. After all, when you complain about your husband’s selfishness, you want more help and participation, care and relaxation. So arrange them for yourself!
Take care of your body and get a massage instead of cleaning your apartment alone. In order not to adapt to his vacation, buy yourself a ticket to a place where you have long wanted to visit. When people see how others appreciate and pamper themselves, they also want to do the same for you. And when a person constantly complains, is always busy with business and worries, people just want to move away.
Allow yourself to rest
If a man does nothing around the house, and this makes you very nervous, then this is a reason to reflect on your own desires and prohibitions. What irritates us most about other people is their fulfillment of your own suppressed desires. So why not let them come true?
No one has ever died from a mess. What if this condition lasts for several weeks? Maybe. your spouse will wise up and start cleaning. The division of household responsibilities helps to normalize relationships very well - you unload yourself by doing only your own part, and do not touch his part.
The main task of such therapy for the boundaries of personality and responsibility will not be to force the other to fulfill his part of the contract, but simply to be silently responsible for the fulfillment of his duties. If it doesn’t work out in silence, and lying down and enjoying idleness together is problematic, when your soul yearns to tell an adult man what to do and demand strict compliance with what was said, then perhaps the problem lies not in his selfishness, but in your desire for control and dictatorship.
Learn to live together
Attempts to change a person do not lead to the desired goal - with strong pressure, you will ruin your relationship with your husband, and in other options, achievements will be far from the planned plan. Your task is to learn to live together, try to accept his characteristics, and if this is impossible, then get a divorce.
Learning to live together does not mean adapting to the desires of an egoist and playing the role of a goldfish. On the contrary, you need to hold tightly own boundaries, learn not to indulge his behavior and defend your own free time, desires and needs.
This kind of work requires a lot mental costs. After all, you need not to make a scandal and not pour out a sea of discontent mixed with insults on your husband, but to remain calm and impartial. In addition to constantly monitoring your own positions (a husband who is accustomed only to the fulfillment of his desires will constantly test your compliance), you will have to face your own personal maturation.
Selfishness in bed
It happens that a husband shows care and attention to his wife. He can deny himself many things, but he manifests himself as an egoist in the intimate sphere. Having barely received pleasure in bed, he turns away with a clear conscience and falls asleep.
And in this case, of course it will help you straight Talk. After all, if a man doesn’t talk about own desires, he definitely won’t read your thoughts.
You can also use some techniques:
- Join in love game, taking the initiative - this will interest the husband, and he will not want to finish the process faster
- Refuse to imitate an orgasm so that your spouse does not think that you already had a good time
- In bed, don’t think about problems so that your partner is convinced of the sincerity of your feelings and sensations. After all, if a woman treats sex as a physical need, there is no point in accusing her husband of selfishness
What to do if your husband is selfish only in bed? Become loving and liberated if you want positive change. Try not to deny your husband sex, citing headache, otherwise, if the answer is positive, after a week the spouse will again try to fulfill his duties as quickly as possible - and will again become selfish.
It is worth taking into account the differences in physiological processes when a woman takes longer to become aroused than a man. In addition, representatives of the opposite sexes have different expectations from intimacy: men chase quantity, while women value quality.
The problem of how to rehabilitate an egoist husband is typical for women, long time those who are married and want to keep their family together. When the first decision to be patient and try to get used to the behavior of a selfish husband does not work, then after years of such a relationship the woman becomes absolutely unhappy. Being in a relationship with an egoist, a woman's self-esteem drops. A previously bright and confident lady turns into a downtrodden gray mouse, and her own desires are suppressed for the sake of fulfilling those of others.
Be patient
The problem is that after living like this for a long time, it is quite difficult to change an established way of life and it does not happen overnight. Women who expect an instant change after the first conversation or scandal with their husband find themselves in the same situation the next day. Egoists hate scandals and other people's demands, so such tactics will only strengthen the husband's resistance, which is typical for an established adult who has lived his whole life in a familiar way. It is necessary to act in this situation not with scandals, but with time and a careful shift in emphasis.
In order to get off the ground, you will need patience and perseverance. It's better to start small. Start with one manifestation of selfishness. For example, if he interrupts you, then speak and focus on the interruption, without allowing him to carry out his usual scenario.
You will have to repeat it many times and hear your position being devalued many times, but you should not indulge in arguments. Just continue to confidently demand attention to the indicated point, and if your husband demands an explanation, then you can directly talk about it. own feelings when he does this. It is important not to criticize him or tell him what to do, but to talk only about your feelings at this moment.
Start small
Try asking him to do things that benefit both of you or just you. You shouldn't do this every day. To begin with, a couple of times a month will be enough, and then you can try more often. Make sure that the request is not an order, but speaks of your pleasure if fulfilled, but does not oblige you to fulfill it.
Most likely, the first few calls will not change anything. There is no need to make a quarrel out of this and remind you of an unfulfilled request. Try asking for something else. It is also difficult for an egoist to adapt to fulfilling other people's desires. Help him with this with clear formulations. Ask for dinner or tea, a trip to nature or to pick you up from work - he must understand what exactly you expect from him.
Take care of yourself
While you are slowly changing your interaction model with own husband, take care of yourself. Raise your self-esteem and restore your ability to feel your desires. To do this, you can start meeting with friends and taking a vacation. Any work with the body (yoga, massage, swimming) also helps restore sensitivity to your needs.
Solve issues together
The habit of resolving all issues on your own will have to be eradicated from yourself, replacing them from personal to general, that is, when the solution to the issue will directly affect the comfort of your husband. At first it will take a lot of time, and the desire to quickly do everything yourself will begin to appear more and more often. But once you give in, you run the risk of continuing to decide everything alone. The egoist needs to be constantly explained why his participation is absolutely necessary and why this is not only your problem. Moreover, this must be done every time, because having noticed that you are coping without him, he will no longer participate in solving problems and will go to please his loved one.
Praise the egoist
It is imperative to praise an egoist. This is the energy engine with which he is able to move mountains. When your husband was the first to help you or fulfill your request, then do not skimp on pleasant words, and in next time he will try again. Egoists' love for praise is as strong as their hatred of scandals and criticism. Only the first brings you closer to desired look relationships, and the second one endlessly distances them.
If praise does not help, and you are constantly under pressure from your husband, then set aside time for yourself when you will be apart. You can walk alone in the park for two hours or go to a friend’s house for the weekend. The main thing is that you have time to recover mental strength, which were knocked down by the spouse. Over time, he will trace the dependence of your departures, and since egoists need spectators and fulfillers of their desires, it is likely that he will reconsider his behavior towards you.
Love and harmony are possible in a family if you figure out how to live with an egoist husband. Need to create comfortable conditions for the spouse so that he cannot imagine own life without such a wonderful wife.
A little correction in behavior - and he will begin to take into account your desires. The only prohibitions will be quarrels, scandals and reproaches - an egoist will not tolerate such an attitude. In the absence of pressure and soft impact after some time former egoist can become pliable plasticine in skillful female hands.
Video: If your husband is selfish what to do
“Love yourself” is the credo of every egoist. What to do if your husband lives by the same principle? You seemed to fall in love completely normal person: well-groomed, not throwing money away, interesting interlocutor who is trying to lead healthy image life. Well, why not a candidate for a husband - an enviable gentleman.
And only after life together you begin to see the other side of the coin of these qualities of his. This love for a healthy lifestyle and grooming is real narcissism, oratory is the inability to listen to others, and economy is clean water greed. How can you shake his terrible selfishness out of your husband’s soul?
Where do egoists come from?
All problems come mainly from childhood. To understand where the husband’s whims and narcissism began, you need to find out who surrounded him, how much they loved him, and whether he had any complexes. So, all the options.
Big family favorite
The most difficult case. Especially if the child grew up alone in the family. All these musi-pusi from grandparents and throwing gifts do their dirty work. When any childish quirk is fulfilled in the blink of an eye. When the word of the toddler in the family is law. Growing up, this child still does not understand that it is not the world that revolves around him, but he is in it - and a small grain of this world. It’s already difficult to change this and it’s difficult to fight his selfishness.
Mama's boy
The option is similar to the first, but with a small addition - he will grow up not only to be an arrogant egoist, demanding everything and everyone. He will also obey his mother. If you get such a husband, then be sure that you cannot avoid whims from him. He will complain to his mother, and she will indulge him in every possible way. In general, it’s sad.
Overgrown with complexes
Grew up in dysfunctional family, almost in poverty, was small, thin and lop-eared. His peers laughed at him, humiliated him, and he didn’t have much friends. And so in adult life he still managed to gain weight, get pumped up and even get rich. And then he realized how great it is to love yourself and demand respect from others. But such an egoist can still be corrected.
The introduction to the article already said what it feels like to be disappointed in a person who at first seemed so interesting. So, to prevent this from happening, notice some of the man’s quirks that indicate his selfishness:
The egoist knows one letter. The letter "I". He only likes to talk about himself. He likes it when a large audience enjoys his speeches, and the topics are most often monotonous: about himself. About his achievements and successes.
He bad psychologist, because he is deaf to other people's problems. Deep down, he is able to empathize with someone if something like this happened in his life. He can lend a helping hand only if it benefits him.
Appearance plays an important role for him. At first, women like it - rarely will a man take care of himself this way. But soon his beloved begins to feel how she herself is lost against his brilliant background.
An egoist is a terrible womanizer. Falling in love with women is not so important to him as self-affirmation. When he's in the center female attention, he becomes sure that all the ladies are crazy about a prince like him.
He demands people to fulfill his whims - he wants to be a leader himself. Some will send him away with his demands, while others will begin to obey. He deliberately finds in his surroundings people with a soft character who will be embarrassed to refuse him. This is where he sits on their neck and dangles his legs.
Even in sex the whole gamut of his egoism is manifested. He decides what to do, what position to choose and how long everything should happen. He is not interested in the female orgasm: if it didn’t work out, it’s nothing, help yourself. But God forbid, after sex, a woman does not say words of admiration and gratitude to him: she will be terribly offended.
What to do if you have already fallen in love with an egoist
Indeed, how to behave with an egoistic spider if you are already in its web? Don’t even think about remaking it for yourself - it’s almost like “monkey work.” In some cases, this can still be done with patience and cunning, if you really value this person, but don’t expect drastic changes. An egoist will never become henpecked. So, here are some tips on what you can do.
Patience and admiration
Yes, and nothing more. If you yourself have an easy-going character and a terrible fear of losing him, let him remain the king, and you a servant. Are you prone to moral masochism, but you feel warm in the rays of his glory. Be patient, but keep in mind:
He won't show you much affection. But you, in turn, must praise him with words and actions.
He will be able to decide with whom to be friends and with whom to break ties. His parents will come first, and yours will be the way they like it.
He may disappear without explanation. And even if he has an affair with someone on the side, he will be able to convince you that he is right.
He manages the finances of the family. Moreover, be sure that “generosity” will flow like a fountain: he will buy branded shoes for himself for 10,000 rubles, and he will allocate you a thousand rubles for sandals. And God forbid, if it’s not in the fall.
Learn to be silent, not argue and listen. This way you will not fall into disgrace with His Majesty. Yes, you should be able to cook, wash and clean perfectly.
Transform the egoist with cunning
If you choose the ram tactic and butt heads with your selfish boyfriend, then know that you will quickly break up. Therefore, if you have enough wisdom, you can still somehow balance your relationship. Here are some fox tricks to tame your lion:
He continues to think only about himself - so be it. Don't be stingy with compliments about his genius and uniqueness, but give them in portions when he really deserves it. In other cases, agree with him simply by nodding.
Never say he is wrong. Say better in these words: “Yes, dear, this is good idea, but we can make it even better.” And offer your option. A true egoist will immediately begin to object, but do not rush. Having scrolled through your option in his mind, he will agree. And you know what’s funny: in the end he will pass off your thought as his own. Well, okay!
He loves his perfect body and appearance? Well, don’t be at a loss. Nature itself ordered a woman to look impeccable. Go out with him more often, and let them compliment you. Smiling graciously, accept them. Let the egoist see that you are no worse than him.
Don’t be a meek housewife; you must have a job and interests. Jealousy and resentment may arise on his part, they say, you are not paying enough attention to him, have you found any suitor. But there is also a note of cunning here. Tell him with genuine amazement: “Darling! How could you think such a thing! I'm married to the most beautiful and smart man in the world".
But never let him humiliate you and your family - you will completely sink and break ties with everyone. IN as a last resort, set the condition: “Since we have disagreements in this regard, then let’s meet with our relatives according to different sides and outside the home."
Pros of selfish men
And really, is living with a narcissistic snob really such a heavy burden? Is it possible to find in his character positive sides? But of course! Here look:
It's never a shame to go out in public with him. He won't wear a baggy, shapeless sweater with dirty sleeves, and he won't smell like garbage.
He is a diligent leader, and proudly walking over the heads of his competitors, he will achieve the highest level in his career, and this means a lot for the family.
Already in a high position, people will listen to him, since egoists are mostly choleric, and these are the greatest speakers who prove that they are right.
Even if an egoist is greedy, he will bring money to the family - again: for his own coziness and comfort. And the children will be fed, clothed and shod, because they are his children. And everything connected with it must be the best.
Finally - an unusual technique
Let's do a thought experiment.
Imagine that you have the superpower to “read” men. It’s like Sherlock Holmes: you look at a man and you immediately know everything about him and understand what’s on his mind. You would hardly be reading this article now in search of a solution to your problem - you would not have any problems in your relationship at all.
And who said that this is impossible? Of course, you can’t read other people’s thoughts, but otherwise there is no magic here - only psychology.
We advise you to pay attention to the master class from Nadezhda Mayer. She is a candidate of psychological sciences, and her technique has helped many girls feel loved and receive gifts, attention and care.
If interested, you can sign up for a free webinar. We asked Nadezhda to reserve 100 seats specifically for visitors to our site.
