How to come to terms with the fact that there will be no personal life and family. How to accept that you have fallen out of love and no longer waste energy on mental torment

That you have no talent at all, you can’t draw, you’re not a musician, you’re not an actor, you’re not a politician, you don’t sing like Boch, you didn’t invent anything new, you didn’t achieve success, you didn’t become an Instagram star and you don’t get clothes and other benefits for free, not a millionaire, never wrote a book, although he really wanted to, not a top model or a sex symbol, you are nothing special, not a super mother/daughter, not the most pleasant person to talk to, not the author of a detox system, you have there is no villa on the ocean, karoch, that you are nobody? - no way...

to live, realizing your mediocrity and what people do while you sleep, and do what you only dream of ... follow other people's lives, admire someone's beauty and talents, while you unsuccessfully learn 3 chords on the guitar, you draw gnarled trees or write texts that no one needs, post pictures that no one is interested in... there are so many things in the world now, and in this diversity you really sharply understand how insignificant and small you are, ugly and boring... and not because you didn’t have a good day, no ... you have everything, and arms and legs, and food and housing, and mush and cats, but no one will ever know about you, they won’t hear, they won’t admire you, buy your books, listen to your songs, remember your work... because there aren't any. because you only consume, but don’t create, and if you create, then it’s just some average local trash that even your friends and acquaintances don’t need ... and all you have to do is look at others and think that you could too, that you also wanted, that you also tried ... and time goes by, and a third of life, or even half, is behind, and dreams remain dreams, and days are filled with routine and laziness, food and scrolling through other people's instagrams ... and the time that could be spent on something valuable, important, strong, you spend on stupid and unnecessary, on what pushes you back, and week runs after week, and year after year, and you are in the same place where you were, maybe you can afford a little more, live a little more comfortably , and behind this comfortable you don’t see that you are drowning in your measured inactivity, drowned in small plans and checkboxes “buy toilet paper”, you are relaxed by the fact that something seems to be moving, that sales are coming, that the weekend is coming, and then grandma's birthday, and then a new series of another tedium will come out, and you will order sushi and boo children will drink wine, and on Thursday guests will arrive, and on Saturday you will go to the singing ... and then you will not have time to look back and you have gray whiskey, and your graduation from Univer was almost 10 years ago, and you are trying to remember what really worried you, what touched you, what did you want, except to pay rent, loans and salaries to employees, and breathe a sigh of relief until next month ... and go to bed early to sleep early, to again do unnecessary things in a company no one needs, so that it was what to buy sushi for and maybe a ticket to the sea ... and there you can revive for a while, remember how to breathe, how to walk, how to swim, how good it is when it's warm, what delicious food can be ... and after 2-3 weeks forget again , not because the sunsets have become dimmer or the sea is not so gentle, no. .. just getting used to it... wanting change again... maybe going on excursions? Or did you get bored at home? ... and look for this thrill, this delight, this feeling that everything is not in vain ... and what is not in vain? what is it all for? be happy? but it happens for a long time, this is happiness, or it suddenly appears in contrast, when it became better than it was ... when it hurt, and it passed ... I wanted it and it happened ... from winter to summer, from the worst to the best ... but then it’s forgotten and it’s like it’s always been like this, and again it’s boring, and you want something like that ... and you’re afraid of losing what you have, and it’s better not to take risks, it will pass ... maybe PMS, or Neptune in Cancer, or a midlife crisis , or the full moon ... and look around, how many people live worse, someone doesn’t have a husband, or their hair is thin, or there isn’t enough money ... and you forget, you catch yourself, you thank for everything so that they don’t take it away, and smile work, and friends, and bake cookies, scratch cats behind your ears, drink wine and go to the movies ... but this "I want something more" does not go anywhere, it sits and itches, getting out at the moment when you forget to pretend when you don’t say affirmations, when you haven’t read a psychology book at night, when you look with all your eyes on a dark night, at how the next weight comes on, and then summer, as in the endless run of time you forget where you went, who you are and why ... and there are so many of you inside, but so little on the outside ... and inside you are brave, but outside you are cowardly ... and you are beautiful there, but here you have cellulite and you have to pump your ass every day so that it doesn’t sag ... and you want to become someone, but you just can’t ... because you no longer remember who you wanted to become ... or maybe you're just one of the average piece of society, just like everyone else, who pays transport tax, stands in line for milk and writes reviews about a new coffee shop that no one needs ... you're just here to live as long as you are allotted, unable to understand and know if there is something further, or is it just really all there is? ... a journey from childhood to old age with rare stops in interesting places ... how to come to terms with the fact that you have no talents at all... that you are nobody? - no way...

Hi guys! I recently joined your spiritual company and I enjoy reading it a lot. Since you are answering all life's questions, then catch this one: I have an old (although I don’t think so) grandfather, he is only 85, and in the last month he has been getting worse and worse - he does not get up at all, loses weight and practically does not speak . I live in Moscow, and they and my grandmother live in the Urals. In recent weeks, it has been said that he doesn't have long to go. But I'm the only one who strongly denies it. But still, disgusting thoughts of the worst come to my mind. Friends, what to do, how to behave, what to switch to at such a moment so that these disgusting thoughts do not overcome me day after day? To be honest, I'm a little creepy ... Best wishes to your team, reader Ivan.

Answer

Hello, our dear reader. The question and topic that you raised is probably of concern to hundreds of other people, including us. Death in general and the death of people close to us in particular are things that each of us has thought about at least once. These thoughts are, of course, unpleasant, and in some cases even obsessive. But no matter how cynical it may sound, your experiences will not make you better or the one whose future death you are thinking about. Let's try to figure out what is best to do in such a situation.

First you need, no matter how hackneyed it may be, to face the truth. What will help? This will free you from false illusions and thoughts. We know that this is difficult to do - it requires a certain amount of determination and courage, which is sometimes lacking in such cases. But still try to pull yourself together and look at the situation soberly. As they say, believe in the best, but prepare for the worst. After all, if the critical situation is resolved favorably , it will be both a relief and a pleasant surprise for you. If not, then at least you won't have illusions that will be destroyed overnight, and your psychological health will not be undermined more than it could be when you build false hopes.

Now let's talk about how to get rid of intrusive thoughts yourself, no matter how bad they are. You can go through a hundred forums and come across advice like "go for a walk", "distract yourself doing what you love", "spend time with your girlfriend/family", "do some exercise - exercise will help knock the negativity out of your head". Well, if people write like that, then most likely it works. But it happens that even the most difficult exercises that will bring you to complete exhaustion will still not help, and obsessive thoughts will cling to you even more. Remember that it is best in this case not to try to drive this virus away. After all, if you start trying not to think about something, then by tradition you will only think about it. As soon as the first such thought crept into your brain, it is better to immediately try to ignore it. This means that you must not contact her in any way. What does it mean? No, this is not trying not to think, but, let's say, not to conduct an internal monologue or dialogue on this topic. But if you have already started doing this, then know that even if you find something that can calm you down, then most likely the problem will return after a while.

However, there is one tactic that can help. The main emotional aspect of any obsessive thought, and especially the thought of death, is fear. Naturally, this feeling causes not the most pleasant sensations. But do not rush to drive them away. It is best to try to feel the whole emotion from the beginning to the very end, without fencing off from it. With each time, the fear will decrease, and in one moment it will completely disappear, and the thought that previously caused such great anxiety in you will become familiar and ordinary for you. But if during this process you feel that something has gone wrong, we advise you to contact a psychologist. With its help, you will definitely be able to overcome your problem.

And finally, let's think about how it would be better for you to act in such a critical situation, where the probability of death of your loved one is quite high. If you have the opportunity, then immediately take a vacation, buy tickets and fly to your family. First, by being around them, you can reduce your stress levels. Secondly, if the outcome of the situation is really unfavorable, then it is better to spend your time with a loved one, trying to brighten up his last days of life, at least with your presence. Plus, this is also better for you, because if you don’t do this, then after his death you may be tormented by your conscience that you could have done something, but for some reason refused to do it. Then some obsessive thoughts will immediately be replaced by others, and this is not good. When you see a person on their last journey, you will just get used to your fear, which will pass during this time.

We hope that one of our tips will help you. Of course, we also hope that your situation ends well and that your grandpa lives for many more years. But still remember that sooner or later what you think about so constantly will happen. Therefore, you can use the technology that we talked about. Suddenly, with her help, your fear will really recede. Good luck to you!

Good evening.
My husband left me a month ago. We have been together for 15 years, married for 12. We have two daughters, 11 and 2 years old. Unfortunately, I cannot say that all these years were happy. The first crisis happened about 6 years ago, the relationship came to a standstill, I was carried away by another man, however, there was nothing serious and, by and large, did not pay attention to what was happening in my husband’s life, and there was another woman with whom , unlike my hobby, everything was serious. When she came to her senses and understood what was happening, she talked to her husband, decided to save the family, he said with his mistress that he would leave. She forgave her husband's betrayal, because she considered herself guilty and did not want her daughter to grow up without a father. I forgot about my hobby and devoted myself completely to my family and husband, but six months later it turned out that his relationship had not ended there, in the evening I was very late after work, I began to understand that something was wrong, I called him, and he was with her .
He said he couldn't forget her. I packed my things and said to leave. But already in the morning he began to call, in the evening he asked to come home to see his daughter, I allowed. He came, cried, asked to forgive him, even offered to get married, but then I only grinned in response, to be honest, there were thoughts in my head that I would take revenge on him, I would also find someone for myself. As a result, she allowed him to stay, at first they lived in different rooms, then gradually got together and began to live together, I did not take revenge on him, and he stopped all relations there.

A couple of years later, he said that he really wanted a second child, I didn’t mind either, and two years ago we had a daughter, she is very similar to him and loves him very much, I would even say she loves him. But a year after her birth, I began to suspect that my husband had someone, to questions and to my fears that he would leave me with two children, he told me not to say stupid things and this would never happen. But I felt that he didn’t need me, closed in on myself, was afraid to show my feelings for him. And a month ago I found out that my suspicions were not in vain, for a year now my husband has a new mistress, they work together, she is 3 years older than him, she has a son of 15 years. He began to say that he loves me, that he needs us, that if he wanted to, he would have left us long ago. My feelings this time were completely different, there was no desire to collect his things and kick him out.
But she couldn’t help but blame, she asked how he could do that, she said that I couldn’t forgive and didn’t want to return home (we were with the girls in the country), that I couldn’t live like this anymore, I didn’t have the strength and desire.
To be honest, I hoped that he would say that he would break up with her, that, like last time, he would ask for forgiveness. When I returned home, we talked and I realized that he had not parted with her, I asked how we would live on, to which he replied that he had always chosen me and wanted to meet old age with me.
The next day, I wrote him an SMS so that he would think and not regret the decision and did not make me regret it, now I scold myself for writing all this, saying that I could not forgive.
In the evening he was late, and I felt that everything was bad and not in vain, in general, he left me via SMS, wrote that he had better leave. I started to get hysterical, I called him, screamed, sobbed, he also cried and said that it would be better for everyone. In such a state, I told my daughter that dad was leaving us, which I later regretted very much, she cried and asked him to return. I called him, sobbed, begged him to come back, he came, but only to talk with his daughter, he didn’t go home, she came out to him. My daughter calmed down, thank God, but I didn’t. For 4 days I bombarded him with SMS and calls, begged him to return, said that I would forgive and forget everything, said that no one would need me now and my life was over, and at that time he would be happy with her. He told me to pull myself together, that everything will pass, and it will be better for everyone. He did not want to see me, he said that we need to wean ourselves from each other. After 4 days, I went to church, prayed for almost the whole day for him to return, at that time he was at home with the girls. In the evening she arrived and already calmly talked with him, offered to be friends, communicate, since he wants to see the children, asked why he chose her, and not us. He replied that at first he told her that he was staying with us, but then he realized that he could not live without her and left the family. Still told me that how can I get back to you? Where will I take her?

In general, he left, he did not part with her, but they do not live together either. Lives, like, one, at least he says so. Often after work he comes to us, we communicate, walk with the girls, seemingly an ordinary family.
Only after the girls fall asleep, he leaves. Every evening I wait for him like a fool, and when I understand that he will not come, I sob. I realized that I love him more than I thought, every day I pray that he will return, but he decided that this is the end and it’s better that way.
I don’t know how to come to terms with the fact that he left, I don’t know how to stop waiting, I’m waiting with horror for the moment when he talks about a divorce or finds out that he lives with her, I don’t seem to survive this.
I can’t stop hoping that he will return, as long as there is hope, I can do something, somehow live, as soon as hope fades, I just cry and pray that he will return.

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Responses:

Dear Olga! I understand very much your feelings, for me this situation, fortunately, is behind us.
You know, it's very hard, but the best thing to do now is to kill hope. Your condition will normalize much faster, you will be able to soberly assess the situation. Unfortunately, until you calm down and wait for it, you run the risk of being stuck in this painful moment for months or even years. Prayers and tears will not help bring your husband back, if you try your best to be good and join in the competition for him, he may really like it and he may take advantage of the situation and sit on 2 chairs.
This is terrible! This is a humiliating role. I'm not saying that this will be the case, but the probability is high.
First, it is very difficult, but it must be done - accept the situation as it is at the moment, try to build your life without him. Think, you have 2 daughters, it’s just as hard for them as it is for you, pull yourself together for them first, if you can’t do it for yourself yet. While you can not file for divorce, perhaps he himself does not want to. Just don't take it as hope. Everything will definitely be fine! Happiness to you!

Lica, age: 32 / 24.09.2014

Olga, I think you need to forget about your husband. There will be no life after this. People do not change. Everyone here has been through it. Miracles don't happen.
Now habit speaks in you. It's really difficult and you're in different positions, but time puts everything in its place. If you leave, new people will appear in your life. And if not, you will wait at the window and waste time.

Alla, age: 36 / 09/24/2014

Honey, you are still so young! Don't think that all good things are behind you. Do not make your life dependent on the love of just one man. It is impossible to achieve love from a person by calling him to pity and putting pressure on his conscience. I would be very glad to reassure you that he will return and everything will be fine ... but, I'm afraid, this is an illusion !!! When a man begins to "hang out" in his attitude towards a woman and is no longer afraid of losing her, there is no longer a question of love. I myself have been in such a situation. He returned, the relationship improved, and after 4 years he found a very young one, and left, but my years have passed (I'm 47) !!! In 99%, a man leaves in such situations, not now, then in a couple of years. Don't prolong the agony. They "cut the tail" in parts, it is very painful. He does not think about you at all ... He has doubts, and feelings of guilt, and fear of losing what he is accustomed to, but everything is about himself, his beloved !!! Appreciate yourself! Look around, well, is yours the only man in the whole world?! But why are we women so dependent on men (emotionally, I mean).
Read this forum, it helps a lot!

Love, age: 47 / 09/24/2014

Olenka!
Despite the fact that life seems destroyed, and the soul is torn to shreds, life goes on. And the world around is full of extraordinary beauty. It is clear that around you now is emptiness and darkness. We must live on. To raise girls, you have a huge responsibility, to be able to teach your girls to live with their heads held high, despite the trials that fate sends. And live happily. Stop sitting at the window waiting for your idol. You have more important things!
Well, why shorten your life, what are you wasting your youth, beauty, health on?
Girls need a happy and beautiful mother, not a crushed one with perpetually red eyes.
I understand that it is difficult to listen to other people's exhortations, but your life is yours!
You need to stop waiting and suffering. As soon as you begin to live a normal life, you will feel that the pain will begin to let go.
Calling, persuading, appealing to feelings is useless.
Your husband has been afflicted with the bacillus of infidelity for a long time, and this is not curable.
You can pull him by the ears, give birth to a bunch of children, believe me, everything is useless.
You are young, full of energy, learning to live anew.
What happened happened, understand, you have to put up with it.
Don't wait, live now, learn to be happy.
As soon as you change the attitude towards yourself, you will see that the attitude of others will also change.
Dear Olenka, strength and patience to you.
Clara.

Clara, age: 60 / 09/24/2014

Thank you very much for your responses. I re-read it several times, it gives strength and a desire to fight my apparently already painful attachment to him. The support and opinion of people who have gone through this and understand how you feel is very important. I read and begin to understand that I have painted myself into a corner. I will fight and try to learn to live in a new way. Thanks again.

Olga, age: 09/33/24/2014

Dear Olga, imagine for a moment that you liked another man. How do we communicate if we want to make a pleasant impression on an unsuspecting man? Somehow it turns out by itself that we radiate beauty, femininity and tenderness, beautifully express our emotions, there is a special grace in our movements and soft intonations in our voice, we show our best personal qualities, upbringing, intelligence, if any (just kidding) to ANOTHER PERSON felt that it was interesting, warm and calm with us, that we have something to GIVE to another (EXCHANGE). And we also show that we respect ourselves, that we have self-esteem, this is a clear signal that in the same way we will respect the other person if we continue the relationship. Well, something like that. And do not tell me that you have never seen how, as a result of your behavior, a man loses the thread of the conversation with delight, and then his head.
We do not pounce on an unfamiliar man with screams, give ME your love and attention, otherwise I will never get along with anyone, you are MY last chance, I feel bad! And we don’t delay this bullying for four days, because we know that from such behavior a man will run and lose only his slippers. Where does it go then. With husbands, you can not observe politeness - this is my husband, the father of my children, he will endure where he, the poor fellow, should go.
Olga, I'm sorry, I'm not in condemnation, but to look at it from the outside. How is that woman doing?
Stop crying, your husband is not the only man in this city. Here and on related sites, thanks to their creators, there is everything and even more in order to understand yourself, your mistakes and see new perspectives. A feminine woman will not be alone at any age and with any number of children.

In my humble opinion, communication with your husband, walks and the appearance of family should be replaced by communication and travel with friends, training in a fitness club, dancing, cross-stitching, rowing, pole training, learning languages, professional development, you have a lot to do. Let him walk with the children without you and communicate with the new lady, you have more important things to do. You will soon go to work and meet new people, you have a new life. And thanks to my ex-husband for the opportunity to prepare for this.
Happiness to you!

Sincerely, Victoria.

Victoria, age: 36 / 09/25/2014

Olga!!! It hurts a lot, it's a shame, I want to do everything so that this pain goes away, anything.
Do you want your husband to come back to you? Let him go .. As long as he sees "hearts" in your eyes, eyebrows with a "house", while he feels that HE is the director of this action - it will only get worse .. It can be very long .. Write your script, become the main one in it heroine, you are a woman!! They write to you correctly: you don’t need to walk with him, you don’t need to discuss anything that goes beyond your daughters. Any interest: where he lives, with whom and for some reason will only aggravate the situation, only elevate your husband in his eyes. Stop showing interest in him, in his life.
Yes, it’s hard, incredibly hard, but it’s necessary. Become a mystery, become a coquette, arouse interest in him: change your hairstyle, manicure, buy clothes, take care of yourself. Love yourself and then, believe me, your husband himself will not want to lose you. Miracles happen! But only by changing your attitude towards yourself, you can change the attitude of your husband towards you. Go to the mirror and say: "I thought I quit? But no, I lost it !!!"
All the best to you, strength and firmness of spirit, with God!

Semmi, age: 09/32/2014

A mistress appears when a husband has an irreparable "deficiency": borscht, love, respect or care. There can be a huge number of reasons. There is only one question: how to proceed?

When everything is OK with borsch, the problem is most likely in the emotional part of your relationship.

If the question came to your mind - how to put up with your husband's mistress, then I want to say right away - no way. Of course, there are different types of cheating. But now we will talk about the "stationary" mistress.

Imagine that you have grown a third leg. Walking is uncomfortable, it looks unaesthetic, passers-by look askance and discuss behind their backs. But you hobble in half with grief.

It will take time and effort to cut off the communication channel “you-lover-husband”. I don't mean fast and throw it off the balcony. In this love triangle, everyone is connected emotionally and mentally.

To truly break the connection - stop draining energy into nowhere.

More than sex

Remember, cheating is not just a bed. These are fresh emotions, euphoria, adrenaline, feelings, like on a first date. Perhaps his mistress recognizes his manliness, excellent or massage.

Do you compliment your husband? Write in the comments what.

With the presence of a mistress, a woman is usually ready to put up with an insecure woman, bottled up in complexes, fears and limiting beliefs. not ready to develop.

These are the wives who are cheated on. You yourself allowed him: he walks to the left, but he will not get anything for it.

• You're used to "he's like that."
• You are afraid that you will be alone.
• You hope that he is about to come to his senses.

Or maybe your husband is a millionaire? In this case, someone will say: "Be patient!". But it will be clear that the material benefit in this in the first place, and self-sufficiency with self-respect away.

But even if you were given a yacht for another unmasked night with some Lucy, you are still offended as a woman.

Why do women suffer?

• fear of loneliness (“I will be left alone, the children will be without a father, who will move the closet in difficult times”, etc.)
• self-doubt (only he likes my full legs / long nose / stretch marks on the skin)
• dependence on a spouse (financial or moral - whoever is “lucky”)

“I know examples of a strong family where husbands walk”

Ever heard such a phrase? If a man is cheating, the family is a priori already in disintegration. No need to save .

What is the husband doing?

• leaves, but returns (all the same, I love you more). Remember, as in Prostokvashino: “No, I choose you. I have known you for a long time, but this is the first time I see this cat.

• does not want his wife to find another man. In 98%, not from great love, but simply because he is a hypocrite, jealous, or just a rogue in life.
• promises no more , but ... today the star of Andromeda is in the constellation Leo. So I swear it was the LAST time.

All these manipulations roll with a woman who does not know how to love herself. Grabs a man's trouser leg, like the last saving straw.

"I won't need anyone else"

Each case of betrayal is unique. It's like Tolstoy, where "all happy families are happy in the same way, but unhappy in their own way." But if the wife has a question, how to come to terms with the fact that her husband has a mistress, there is still one similar feature.

You both love consistency: he constantly cheats on you, and you constantly complain.

But it's not hopeless. There is a person who needs you in this world - it's you. And the current situation is your springboard for development.

When you dig out your “I” in a pile of complexes, resentments and fears, brush your feathers, go through personal growth trainings, pump yourself up like a woman, I guarantee you will have .

Now you have low self-esteem

The husband feels it. And he understands that whatever he does, you will endure, and he will go further and further.

3 steps to take

1. Write down on paper the phrases that he most often says to justify cheating.

2. Talk to your husband. Calmly!

3. Now evaluate - how much you heard from this list.

Do you want to listen to his unoriginal excuses, embroidered with white thread, for the rest of your life?

Love triangle

If you feel bad in this relationship, do not pretend that everything is in order. Do not play joy - men feel false.

Better do your best to find real things that bring pleasure. You yourself will not notice how good things will begin to be attracted into your life.

You don't need to know how to deal with husband. Sometimes it seems that the whole world has come together like a wedge on one situation. But it's not! Expand your horizons, become that irresistible woman who is loved and appreciated.

With faith in you
your Yaroslav Samoilov