How to support a child when a second one is born. How to support a child in a stressful situation
If you think that your child lives in constant tension, torn between studies, sports section, doing homework and participating in extracurricular activities, observe his behavior. The signs we'll discuss below may indicate stress.
Signs may be constant or short-lived
All these symptoms may appear for a short time, then go away, return again, or remain for a longer period. A stressful situation manifests itself as follows:
- The child has a change in eating habits (lack of appetite or passion for overeating).
- Fear of separation from parents appears.
- There are nightmares, whims and regular crying.
- The baby bites his nails, sucks his fingers, or pulls out hair on his head.
- He complains of constant headaches and digestive problems.
- The child has a habit of chewing clothes and gnawing stationery items.
- He often remains alone in the room and avoids communicating with friends.
- The child shows increased aggressiveness towards peers and is rude to adults.
How to help children overcome stress?
Parental support is crucial in coping with stress in a child. Stay close to your son or daughter and encourage any expression of feelings. Remember that keeping accumulated problems inside is destructive to the emotional health of children. Tell me what hard times All people have them, and it’s normal when someone craves solitude.
Lower your demands on your child if you see that he is suffering. This will help relieve some of the pressure. Provide your baby with nutritious food rich in vitamins and macroelements. Don't forget to control your daily routine. If your child needs extra rest, introduce a nap routine.
Do some relaxing exercises with your baby using deep breathing. Play meditative music, but avoid the stimulating effects of busy graphics.
Encourage drawing, painting, writing poetry, and sculpting. Creative directions best reflect feelings. Invite your child to release tension through movements: dancing, screaming, playing sports. Encourage the desire to play. When children recreate reality through dolls, they see that they can control the situation.
Psychological support for the child
Psychological support is one of the the most important factors that can improve relationships between children and adults. If there is insufficient or absent adequate support, the child experiences disappointment and is prone to various misconduct.
Psychological support is a process:
In which the adult focuses on the child's positive aspects and strengths in order to strengthen his self-esteem;
Which helps the child to believe in himself and his abilities;
Which helps the child avoid mistakes;
Which supports the child in case of failures.
In order to learn how to support a child, teachers and parents may have to change their usual style of communication and interaction with him. Instead of paying attention primarily to mistakes and bad behavior child, the adult will have to focus on positive side his actions and encouragement of what he does.
Support the child – means believing in him . Verbally and non-verbally, the parent tells the child that he believes in his strengths and abilities. A child needs support not only when he feels bad, but also when he feels good.
Let us emphasize once again: an adult seeking to support a child considers not only the events (action) as a whole, but also tries to highlight individual aspects that are positive for the child. Support is based on faith in the individual's innate ability to overcome life's challenges with the support of those whom he considers significant to him.
In order to support the child, parents and teachers themselves must have confidence; they will not be able to support the child until they learn to accept themselves and achieve self-esteem and confidence.
An adult needs to understand the role of psychological support in the process of education and know that, while providing it, he, without knowing it, can disappoint the child by telling him, for example, the following: “You could not get dirty!”, “You could be and be careful!”, “Look how well your brother did it!”, “You should have watched when I did it!” As a rule, negative comments from parents have no effect. Constant reproaches like “You could do it better” lead the child to the conclusion: “What’s the point of trying? I still can't do anything. I will never be able to satisfy them. I give up".
Adults must learn, when helping a child, to see the natural imperfection of a person and deal with it. To do this, adults must know what forces in school, family, kindergarten, and in the child’s wider environment can lead to disappointment. According to many psychologists, these forces are:
1. Excessive demands from parents.
2. Sibling rivalry.
3. Excessive ambitions of the child.
Excessive parental demands on a child will make success impossible and disappointment quite likely. For example, if parents previously expected their child to be “the most capable” in kindergarten, then they expect the same from him at school; They want to see a child who can tumble well in the future become a good gymnast.
When it comes to siblings, parents may unintentionally pit children against each other, comparing the brilliant successes of one with the lackluster achievements of the other. Such competition can lead to severe disappointment and destroy previously good relationships.
The child's behavior is influenced by excessive ambitions. Excessive ambition is clearly manifested, for example, in cases where a child, playing a game poorly, refuses to take part in it. Often a child who cannot stand out through something positive begins to behave defiantly negatively or turns into a “stone around the neck” of the entire class.
How to support a child?
There are false ways, so-called “support traps”. Thus, typical ways for parents to support a child are overprotection, making the child dependent on an adult, imposing unrealistic standards, and stimulating competition with siblings and peers. These methods only lead to worries for the child and interfere normal development his personality.
Let us repeat once again: genuine support by adults for a child should be based on emphasizing his abilities, capabilities - his positive sides. It happens that an adult does not like a child’s behavior. It is at such moments that he must make it very clear to the child that “although I do not approve of your behavior, I still respect you as a person.” For example, if a child fails to behave as the teacher would like, it is the teacher who must help the child understand why this is happening. It is important that the child understands that his failure may stem from a lack of willingness or ability to behave appropriately. It is necessary to show the child that his failure in no way diminishes his personal merits. It is important that an adult learns to accept the child for who he is, including all his achievements and failures, and when communicating with him, take into account knowledge of such things as tone, gestures, etc.
In order to provide psychological support to a child, an adult must use those words that work to develop the child’s self-concept and sense of adequacy. During the day, adults have many opportunities to create in a child a sense of his own usefulness and adequacy. One way is to show your child your satisfaction with his achievements or efforts. Another way is to teach the child to cope with various tasks. This can be achieved by creating in the child the attitude: “You can do this.”
Even if the child is not coping with something completely successfully, the adult must let him know that his feelings towards the child have not changed. The following statements may be helpful:
I would be very pleased to watch what happens.
Even if something didn't happen the way you wanted, it was a good lesson for you.
We are all human and we all make mistakes, after all, by correcting your mistakes, you also learn.
This way, the adult is more likely to learn how to help the child achieve self-confidence. As one parent put it, this is like inoculating a child against failure and unhappiness.
A central role in the development of a child’s self-confidence is played, as already noted, by the faith of parents and teachers in the child. The parent must show the child that he is an important member of the family and means more to her than all the problems associated with him. The teacher - that the child is a necessary and respected member of the group, class.
Adults often focus on past failures and use them against the child. Examples of such evaluation are statements like:
“When you had a dog, you forgot to feed it, when you studied music, you quit after 4 weeks, so I don’t think it makes sense for you to take up dance now.” This emphasis can create a feeling of persecution in the child. The child may decide: “There is no way to change my reputation, so let me be considered bad.”
To show faith in a child, an adult must have the courage and desire to do the following:
Forget about the child’s past failures;
Help your child gain confidence that he can cope with this task;
Allow the child to start from scratch, relying on the fact that adults believe in him, in his ability to achieve success;
Remember past successes and return to them, not to mistakes.
It is very important to take care to create a situation for your child with guaranteed success. This may require the adult to make some changes in the requirements for the child, but it will be worth it. For example, on pedagogical council the teacher may propose to specifically create a situation that will help the student develop a sense of adequacy and self-worth. He can help the student select tasks that the teacher believes he can handle, and then give him the opportunity to demonstrate his success to the class and parents. Success breeds success and increases self-confidence in both the child and the adult.
So, in order to support your child, you need to:
1. Rely on the child's strengths.
2. Avoid emphasizing the child’s mistakes.
3. Show that you are satisfied with the child.
4. Be able and willing to demonstrate love and respect for the child.
5. Be able to help your child break large tasks into smaller ones, ones that he can handle.
6. Spend more time with your child.
7. Introduce humor into your relationship with your child.
8. Know about all the child’s attempts to cope with the task.
9. Be able to interact with a child.
10. Allow the child to solve problems himself where possible.
11. Avoid disciplinary rewards and punishments.
12. Accept the child’s individuality.
13. Show faith in the child and empathy for him.
14. Show optimism.
There are words that support a child and words that destroy his self-confidence.
For example, words of support:
Knowing you, I am sure that you will do everything well.
You do it very well.
Do you have some thoughts on this matter? Are you ready to start?
It's a big challenge, but I'm sure you're up for it.
Words of disappointment:
Knowing you and your abilities, I think you could do it much better.
You could do this much better.
This idea can never be realized.
It's too difficult for you, so I'll do it myself.
Adults often confuse support with praise and rewards. Praise may or may not be support. For example, too generous praise may seem insincere to the child. In another case, she may support a child who fears that he does not meet the expectations of adults.
Psychological support is based on helping the child feel needed. The difference between support and reward is determined by timing and effect. A reward is usually given to a child for doing something very well, or for some achievement he has achieved during a certain period of time. Support, as opposed to praise, can be given for any attempt or small progress.
When I express pleasure in what the child is doing, it supports him and encourages him to continue the task or try again. He enjoys himself.
You can support through: individual words (“beautiful”, “neat”, “wonderful”, “great”, “forward”, “continue”); statements (“I’m proud of you”, “I like the way you work”, “This is really progress”, “I’m glad for your help”, “Thank you”, “Everything is going great”, “Okay, thank you”, “I’m glad , that you participated in this”, “I’m glad that you tried to do this, although it didn’t turn out at all as you expected”); touch (pat on the shoulder; touch the hand; gently lift the child’s chin; bring your face closer to his face; hug him); joint actions, physical participation (sit, stand next to the child; gently lead him; play with him; listen to him; eat with him); facial expressions (smile, wink, nod, laugh).
Developing an Effective Communication Style
Very often, adults, when communicating with children, strive to compete with them.
An adult may think: “It is important for me to insist on my own.” It would be useful to replace such a philosophy with the understanding that “the real winner is the one who knows how to treat other people.” Barriers between an adult and a child will collapse, the feeling of one’s own usefulness and need will increase, relationships in the family and at school will noticeably improve.
The proposed style of communication between an adult and a child is based on mutual respect. Mutual respect implies that both the child and the adult
– will allow each other to honestly and openly express feelings and thoughts, without fear of being misunderstood and rejected.
Effective communication is: acceptance of what the partner communicates; acceptance of his feelings; refusal to judge your partner.
In other words, we must show the other person that we understand his thoughts and feelings. Remember that you may not agree with your child, but you can accept his feelings. Acceptance can be demonstrated through tone and appropriate words. Developing this communication style takes patience and practice. This also includes mastering communication skills such as
“reflective listening and reporting.”
What is reflective listening?
Reflective listening is an important communication skill because we cannot send our thoughts and feelings directly to the other person. We must use a code: words, tone, gestures, postures, etc. As a listener, we interpret messages with a greater or lesser degree of accuracy. In order to understand the message as accurately as possible, it is useful to use one of the skills necessary for communication - feedback.
Feedback is nothing more than a message about what exactly you heard. In turn, the interlocutor may say: “Yes, that’s exactly what I meant” or “No, that’s not what I meant. I'll try to explain again."
These components—messages, feedback, and confirmation checks—make up the feedback process.
“SENDER” – MESSAGE – “RECIPIENT”
- FEEDBACK -
– CONFIRMATION – The effectiveness of reflective listening and the use of the feedback process can be seen in the following example.
A mother heard her son return from school and say, “What a bad day! The teacher got angry at me and called me a liar because I forgot to bring my homework. She screamed at me! Here is a note from her."
To check that she has understood her son correctly, and to make sure that he is really upset about the school incident, the mother may say: “It looks like you really had a terrible day today.” This will serve as a signal to the son whether the mother understood what he wanted to say. IN in this case the mother understood her son correctly and he says: “You can repeat it again.” This time the mother, after thinking, says: “It must be terribly embarrassing when they shout at you in front of the whole class. The child, in turn, agrees: “Of course I’m ashamed and I feel very bad.” The rest of the conversation might look something like this:
MOTHER. I'm willing to bet you're hurt and offended by her criticism.
SON. Yes! Just like I’m willing to bet that she too has forgotten something and, perhaps, no one “pecked” her for it.
MOTHER. Most of us think this way when someone hurts us.
SON. Well, that's somewhat reassuring.
This example clearly shows that reflective listening with feedback helps to clarify and understand the problem and find a solution.
If feedback cannot be established, misunderstanding, irritation and frustration arise.
Understanding the difference between a closed and an open response is important to mastering the skill of reflective listening. A closed answer shows that the adult either does not hear or understand the child, or prefers to ignore his story. In other words, it limits the message.
An open response indicates that the adult hears the child and is interested in what he is talking about. Open answers encourage the child to continue his story. In addition, open-ended responses reflect the child's feelings behind the story.
Open responses can be classified into the following categories:
"Starters"; “I understand,” “Oooh,” “Mmmm,” “I’d like to know more about this,” “Tell me something else.”
Silence: don’t say anything, but show your interest in the conversation.
Open questions instead of closed questions.
Open questions are designed not just to inform an adult about something, but to help the child clarify his problems. On the contrary, closed questions are inherently close to a statement and can only be answered “yes” or “no.” The difference between open and closed questions It's easier to understand with a concrete example.
OPEN QUESTION: “Could you tell me what happened at school today?” or “How do you feel about your friends ignoring you?”
CLOSED QUESTION: “Did you have a good day today?” or “Are you angry at your friend because she doesn’t notice you?”
Reflective listening requires parents and teachers to understand the variety of feelings of the child and the ability to establish emotional contact with him. As a result, the child feels that he is being listened to and strives to continue the conversation.
Reflective listening involves certain attitudes and behaviors. First of all, this is the general attitude of an adult towards a child: “I worry about you, and I am interested in everything that happens to you and what you do,” as well as verbal and non-verbal forms of behavior, as if telling a child: "I am listening to you".
The attitudes and feelings needed to engage in reflective listening include:
The desire to listen to the child and the understanding that this will take some time;
The desire to help this particular child;
Accepting both negative and positive feelings of the child;
Recognizing that the child's feelings are his true feelings;
Treating a child like independent personality with his individual identity and feelings;
Deep belief in the child’s ability to manage, overcome, and find solutions to their feelings;
Understanding that feelings are transitory, not permanent, but expression negative feelings has as its ultimate goal to help the child end them.
Behaviors required for reflective listening:
NONVERBAL:
Eye contact: look at the child you are talking to, but do not stare at him;
Body language, natural and free poses;
VERBAL, stimulating the child to continue the story and helping him understand what was said:
Feedback that lets your child know your interpretation of what he said;
Reflection of feelings;
WARNINGS:
1. Know when to use reflective listening.
It is most effective in cases where the child has a problem and you have enough time to solve it.
2. Know when not to use reflective listening.
If you, as a teacher or parent, feel that the child does not accept you or is pushing you away, you should not try to use this method, in which case it will not be successful.
3. Develop your listening skills. With practice, reflective listening will become a routine and habitual activity for you. Don't be afraid of disappointments, try again.
4. Accept that reflective listening will not be easy to use at first.
Mastering any new skill is always accompanied by a feeling of uncertainty at first. This is also true for reflective listening.
5. Try to combine other interpersonal skills with reflective listening.
Use reflective listening in combination with exploring alternatives, determining who “owns” the problem, etc.
Read also
Rules of behavior at a children's party
Bows, beautiful dresses, fancy suits- your baby at his first matinee in kindergarten is so sweet and touching. It’s his first time on stage, and you and the rest of your parents are in the auditorium. Of course, every parent knows how to behave children's party but getting ready to go on festive event V kindergarten, you should still remember some of the rules.
Young children remember well and consider as “theirs” those people whom they see regularly. Every day is best. One-year-old children are able not to forget relatives and do not shy away at each new visit if they meet with them 2-3 times a week. How older baby, the longer he will remember the person, what he played with him and what he talked about.
Previously, in order to keep relatives living far away in the child’s memory, they mainly used photographs and reminded the child of certain events related to the person. The youngest children, of course, over time knew by heart who’s name and what they were and were happy to show everyone off. family albums, but this had virtually no effect on the quality of live meetings. Children perceive communication with a person who speaks and moves completely differently, even if they constantly hear about him and look at his static image - a photograph. If a relative visited one year old child once a month, it still took time to establish contact.
IN last years many parents began to use video communication via the Internet. And even babies under the age of one year participate with great interest in communicating with the person on the screen. Children respond with sounds or, if they can, with individual words, imitate the movements of an adult on the screen, listen to songs and fairy tales. And what’s most interesting is that later, when a relative comes to visit “for real,” the children recognize him and don’t long period addictive, like a stranger.
Thus, modern technologies, allow you to maintain contact with loved ones, even very young children. This good example using gadgets for the benefit of the baby. I'll tell you a little about what you can play and communicate with your baby via video call.
The game of "get along". This game does not require physical contact; hand movements are active and clearly visible. And also, it is very good for starting communication from the screen, because most often, it is already known to the child and he will willingly begin to repeat the movements.
Singing nursery rhymes and songs familiar to the baby can also help organize mutually pleasant communication.
A lullaby and a few words of sleep can become a pleasant nightly ritual.
You can tell the baby simple tales. If there themed toys to fairy tales, then you can show them. But this, of course, is not necessary.
Such “sessions” of communication with the baby do not need to be long; children quickly get tired and switch attention. To maintain contact with your child, regularity is more important than the duration of the conversation.
Inspired by yesterday's visit to the neuropsychologist.
Wikipedia tells us that
neuropsychology- an interdisciplinary scientific direction, lying at the intersection of psychology and neuroscience, aimed at understanding the connection between the structure and functioning of the brain and mental processes and the behavior of living beings.
This is not very clear, of course. Professionals can throw a slipper at me)) From my mother’s perspective, I see neuropsychology quite narrowly: the science of the interaction of the left and right hemispheres.
And specialists have a bunch of wonderful exercises that allow you to harmonize this interaction. At first glance they are very simple. But you never know what you will succeed right away and what will be difficult.
So yesterday I was sitting and watching how my neuropsychologist was working with younger son(he's turning 5 soon). I see that he is trying. I see that not everything works out. And certainly not everything is as it should be (as the specialist shows).
What does a girl psychologist do? First it shows. Then they do it together. Then he looks and CORRECTS IF SOMETHING IS WRONG.
Matvey does a lot of things wrong. She corrects a lot. He tries. He tries very hard. And when finally everything comes out more or less correctly, she says: “Okay. Now, look and do this,” he gives the next task.
And when it was necessary to crawl backwards on the shoulder blades, moving them one by one and helping himself a little with his legs, Matvey specifically stalled. Well, he couldn’t manage to move his shoulders back and forth in a circle. They had already sat him down, divided his movements into components, and moved his hands so that he could feel the movement. No way!
And so I watch: Matvey makes another attempt, the girl looks on. He starts moving. She: “No.” He tries differently. She again: “No.” Well, he’s really doing the wrong thing, I see. And I also see how with every “no”, not even melancholy grows in his eyes - doom.
She didn't scold. This “no” was absolutely neutral, just a statement of fact. But for Matvey at that moment the most better support was to hear WHAT HE ADVANCED. This would allow him to understand WHERE TO TRY NEXT. After all, every time he did it a little more correctly or at least a little differently, I could also clearly see this from the outside.
In defense of the specialist girl, I would like to say that she seems to be new. And she tried really hard too. The trouble is that she tried to do everything RIGHT. The ability to HELP THIS PARTICULAR CHILD IN THE BEST WAY (even if this means not everything, not everything correctly and not everything in full) is the next level. Comes with experience.
My personal and professional experience confirms that criticism is often demotivating. A the right support allows you to move mountains. Yesterday I was in Once again I was convinced of this.
There was another specialist in the class. She hardly interfered. But at some point (between exercises) she came up and said: “See how well you did.” Matvey was clearly grateful to her for these simple words.
And when he couldn’t figure it out with his hands, she sat down next to him and suggested: “Let’s imagine that you’re in a boat. On the oars. Can you row? Here you go! And the pirates are catching up with you. Show me how you row!” And things slowly moved forward.
Lively participation, support, focus on achievements - this is what helps us move forward, overcoming difficulties.
And another game. Have you noticed how much for Lately Are there trainings in game format on the Internet? The game helps even adults overcome resistance, inertia and achieve results. Children certainly need it like air! And don’t doubt it – it can help teenagers too. Try with your teenager or for a teenager to PLAY the boring – you will see that your efforts will not go unrewarded!
Please tell us, how do you support your children in things that cause them difficulties and/or resistance? And what helps you move forward?
A child has to learn a lot of things when he has a younger brother or sister. No matter how old the oldest child is, they usually have a lot of questions about the newborn. Some of these questions are easy for parents to answer, such as: “Why does the baby sleep so much?”, “Why is he breastfed?” etc. Other questions may remain unspoken, but the child is very interested in them: “Do the parents love their brother more than me?” or “Why do parents need another child when they already have me?”
Let's consider how parents can explain the appearance of a brother or sister to their child and answer similar questions.
For parents, the birth of a new child means that the family has become larger, and everyone in it loves and cares about each other. Parents often hope that the older child will be able to see the situation through their eyes, but children usually view the birth of a sibling through the prism of their own emotional experience. Confidential conversations and discussions can help the child perceive this situation more softly, give him a feeling of comfort and an understanding that he has been heard.
Explanations and discussions
One way to explain to your child what may be bothering him or her is to always be open to discussions on any topic and give your child the opportunity to express both positive and negative emotions. negative feelings. Parents can easily fall into the illusion that if the child does not raise any issues, then they are not bothered. However, it is often quite the opposite: children are concerned about many more issues than they voice.
Families with children from different marriages
The advice discussed is also suitable for families in which children come from different marriages. However, in this case there are a number of other things to consider additional factors to prepare the child for joining the family younger brother or sisters.
Most children whose biological parents do not live together feel supported and communicate with both of them. However, the arrival of a younger brother or sister makes it clear to the child that life goes on. And this should be taken into account by parents when they help their child accept the fact of a new addition to the family.
Changes – This opportunity For development
Every family is unique. For small child what matters is what he learns and feels in his family. Therefore, if your children are stepchildren, or one of the children is adopted, or there are some other peculiarities in the family, talk about it with your child. IN strong families family members support each other in difficult times. Appearance youngest child in the family can become a valuable life lesson for the elder. It will also convince the child that real values will remain unchanged, despite the addition to the family.
