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Sincere attitude towards. Sincerity in relationships

Three years ago, when my grandfather died, many people came to say goodbye to him and express their condolences to us. I knew who was truly shocked by his death and who came only because they felt obligated to come. I remember one an elderly woman. She sat next to me and her mere presence irritated me. She said put in similar situation words as if she had learned them by heart: “I’m sorry,” “He was a good man", "Time heals wounds" - and so on. I was surprised that the same words from the lips of others sounded differently. Someone could convey their participation, sympathy and sorrow without words. What was the difference? The state in which I was in, allowed me to understand who spoke from the heart, and who - only out of necessity. What does it mean to “speak from the heart"? And why is it so important in relationships between people?

It is easy to determine the interest of your interlocutor by the way he listens to you: by his gaze, by his concentration, by his sensual reaction. “Speaking from the heart” means speaking openly about your thoughts, feelings and ideas. It seems simple, but it's not that simple in reality. Openness and sincerity need to be developed, as well as other positive character traits.

Look at lovers at the beginning of a relationship: they are sincere, open and extremely attentive to each other. The world shimmers with all the colors of the rainbow, there is happiness in the eyes, love on the lips. But where does all this go after some, most often short, time?

Something happens, and one of the lovers, most often a woman, begins to doubt the sincerity of her chosen one’s feelings; it begins to seem to her that he does not value her at all. Although this is not true. Not yet.

There is an opinion that all good things come to an end, including love. Some psychologists claim that love has 4 phases: spring, summer, autumn, winter - and even describe these phases! Doesn't this seem very familiar to you? Stop! Yes, this is the theory of the historian Toynbee! But it only relates to the development of civilizations and peoples, but not to our feelings and work on them.

Have you ever wondered why some people managed to keep their love for life? How did they do this? There are cases when a person, having visited a psychologist, returned to the period of his love.

Our life is full of routine things that can kill love. Even princesses do what all people do: eat, drink, sleep, get tired and don't always look good. Communication based on sincere open relationship, a connection from the heart, can save us from routine and preserve our feelings for each other.

Subconsciously, we write a behavior script that we then follow. And sincere behavior does not need any script. Sincerely what we do not because we are obliged to do it, but out of personal aspiration, from feelings that change every minute. When we behave openly, our behavior is inconsistent: now we say that we are happy, and half an hour later we are sad for some reason.

Think about people who live together and meet after a long day at work: to what extent are they honest with each other and do they really pay enough attention to each other? Most often, they go about their normal daily activities, paying little attention to emotional condition another: putting shopping in its place, preparing dinner, putting the children to bed. Each of them, of course, had pleasant and not pleasant moments during the day, but who can spare the time and energy to listen to the ups and downs of another in the evening?

We ourselves build walls and erect barriers of insincerity in relationships with the people closest to us, and then we wonder where the love goes? At the same time, in sincere relationships, people feel the emotional state and mood of the other without words, through behavior and even gestures, which is not as simple as it might seem. After all, people often INDEPENDENTLY and VOLUNTARILY close their inner world. And this prevents you from building open relationships.

Why is this happening?

We are all very delicate and sensitive, we all protect our inner world from “dirty boots” that can trample there, we are all afraid of getting mental trauma. Most of us are on different stages lives were wounded by other people and then for a long time and carefully erected walls around themselves to protect their Self from outside incursions.

And in open relationships, people don’t even need to talk: they themselves, without unnecessary prompting, understand the emotional state of their partner and try to help him. In such relationships there is the main thing - attention! And what is very important is mutual attention!

Openness-based behavior is spontaneous behavior, but many of us are simply afraid of it. We like to do everything as usual, without unnecessary changes and surprises, but over time we suddenly discover that our relationships have withered, become boring, insipid and artificial. We do everything only because we have to do it. And the relationship begins to desperately need something to survive.

Tolya and Olya are a couple over 30. Both were divorced. They have been together for 2 years, their relationship is dear to both, they both feel happy because they found each other. The first year of their dating was exciting and romantic, they managed to be together almost every night and talked a lot on the phone. Both loved the openness and honesty that characterized their relationship because both had suffered from loneliness in a previous marriage, and each was looking for a more emotional, deep and meaningful connection.

After a year of dating, they decided to start a family and moved to live in Olya’s apartment, where her two children from previous marriage. However, very soon they noticed that they began to move away from each other. The most surprising thing is that this began to happen precisely after the start of life together. Suddenly, various problems appeared that required solutions.

Remember yourself - many couples living together contributes sudden changes into a relationship. Although the reasons are different for everyone. Olya wanted to prove to the children that she had not left them, had not forgotten them, and as a result, Tolya felt lonely in the evenings, although Olya was always with him at night.

Tolya was offended, but fearing that Olya would think that he wanted to alienate her from the children, he tried with all his might not to get angry and tried to figure out where we could all go together. Soon all this reminded him of his relationship with ex-wife. She removed the children from him because he worked a lot and often came home late. This was her revenge. She created a coalition against him. Tolya began to feel that he was living again past life, but when I tried to talk to Olya about my feelings, I did not find understanding on her part. Instead of trying to understand him, she suddenly became defensive.

Olya also understood that they were moving away, and she felt that this was what could ultimately destroy their relationship. Because of this, she had to behave in exactly the opposite way: on the one hand, she tried her best to pay attention to Tolya, but at the same time she understood that then he would feel like another child, and did not want to allow this. On the other hand, she was angry and accused him of being jealous of the children and of taking her away from the children. Olya felt that she was torn and that she could not satisfy the desires of both the children and Tolya. As a result, thoughts began to come to her that the past was returning to her life. Former spouse He also used to say that she didn’t pay enough attention to him.

In the life of every couple, for example, a couple of months after the start of a close relationship, serious problems, which this couple must cope with. Otherwise, parting with stormy scenes and showdowns is inevitable. Strong feelings, such as anger, irritation or fear of loss, only increase the problems. As a result, two in general loving friend A person's friend allows their feelings to control their destiny.

And this happens because we close ourselves off, hide behind walls that were built a long time ago, and beyond which we only allowed ourselves to go. a short time. Of course, this is easier than being open and sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings, because in this case there is a danger of not meeting the expected understanding and reliving past grievances and disappointments.

Let's see how the conversation takes place between Tolya and Olya. Both had already closed, each hid behind their own fence. Please pay Special attention on the subtext of each remark:

Olya:“What happened, Tolya? Have you been in a bad mood all evening?”
(This is the usual behavior of a woman; she knows well what the reason is, but is afraid to touch it.)

Tolya:“No, I was in a normal mood.”
(Tolya avoids answering; he prefers to hide his anger and dissatisfaction.)

Olya:“Perhaps you can still tell me what’s the matter? You've been sad all evening!"
(Olya attacks, and Tolya, like all men in this case, especially if he is angry, angry or dissatisfied with something, strikes back.)

Tolya:"How would you know? You spent all this time with Vera, didn’t you?”
(Tolya really attacks her, but at the same time makes her understand the reason for her behavior)

Olya:"All the time? I was with her for a maximum of an hour! But I saw that you were not in a good mood.”
(Olya defends herself, but at the same time tries to show that, despite everything, he was in the field of her attention)

Tolya:“Really? I don't think that's true."
(Here Tolya closed himself off. He prefers not to see that Olya paid attention to him)

Olya:“I don’t know what you want from me, but you know that I have to help her with math.”
(Here Olya shows herself as real woman, she is already defending herself from the bunker)

Tolya:“Yes, I know I have to help, it’s okay.”
(Tolya climbs into his bunker and ends the conversation)

Both are closed and defensive, instead of talking openly and finding out what the other really cares about. A frank conversation might not have solved the problem, but strangely enough in in this case it doesn't matter at all.

There are many problems that have no solution. IN frank conversation Olya would talk about her unsuccessful attempts to pay attention to both the children and Tolya at the same time, she would talk about her fear of losing him and the relationship that exists between them.

Tolya, for his part, would talk about his desire to be with her, about the understanding that she should pay attention to the children too, he would tell her about his fear of reliving his old life with his ex-wife.

Neither of them expects that there will be a way out, because there simply isn't one, but both of them will make room for common feelings, even if most of the time we are talking about feelings of fear, disappointment or anger.

When people tell each other about their fears, and they are most often the main cause of discord in relationships, the partner strives to help overcome these fears and dispel empty doubts. Anger only closes hearts. Open and sincere people know that although there is no solution for many problems, their severity is significantly reduced when your spouse is ready to listen and understand you.

In the case of Tolya and Olya, the problem was that Tolya had not yet managed to build a relationship with Olya’s children; they had not yet become his own. But the system of relations with them will still be built later. And this should not be hindered by Tolya’s mother’s dissatisfaction. After all, children subconsciously copy their parents’ reactions, and with people who are dissatisfied with you, they have a chance to build normal relationship- very, very small.

However, Tolya and Olya managed to talk sincerely, opening their hearts, thoughts, and souls, and both understood when they had this conversation - conversation open hearts- that although nothing has changed, everything has changed dramatically. Their attitude towards this union changed, the feeling of trust increased, and the problem, although it remained, simply ceased to be a problem, in any case, it ceased to be so dangerous. Because when people speak from their hearts, even about negative feelings and emotions, such as fear, for example, the connection between them only intensifies.

But this is the goal.

Research materials
Israeli psychologists
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Everyone says:
"Want to sincere relationships?
Do you want a close relationship?

How to build these sincere relationships?
And what is sincerity?

Sincerity is the ability to trust, to open your soul, heart, and thoughts. This is the ability to speak honestly and openly about what worries and excites you.

1. First important point sincerity - TRUST.

This is when you are confident that you will be understood. When you have in your thoughts the file “I repeated it 1000 times, but they didn’t hear me,” then sincerity will not happen, and fear will take its place - that nothing will change.

To be able to trust, it is important to learn this all the time. How to build muscles in the gym. If you don’t know how to trust and talk about your feelings, this is often due to the fact that you once opened up and were misunderstood or ridiculed.

Everyone has this experience, especially in childhood. But someone moves on and tries to trust again, while someone decides: “everything is clear, everything is useless” - and closes the issue.

When we tell our partner about something, it is important to 100% want him to hear it. It doesn’t matter how many times you failed... the main thing is to start trusting again. There is an Italian film starring Giulietta Masina, how she is deceived - she believes again, she is deceived again - and she believes again.

While we live, we perform actions, deeds and receive new experience. It doesn't matter what it was past experience- it is important to close the doors to the old and go into something new.

Trust is something that is important to continue to learn and train.

2. A very important point in building trust is “I respect you, I respect myself.”

It's like a platform for life. If you have decided on a partner and decided to build a relationship with him, respect for yourself and for him are 2 measures that are equal all the time. It’s not like I’m white and fluffy here, and you’re all brown and smell unpleasant. There is never such division when there is respect. We are just different, but we are both ALWAYS worthy of respect.

If you don't understand something, you can ask. Sincerity, it implies mutual respect. Both in one direction and the other.

If you see your partner showing disrespect for you, this is only an echo of the fact that you lack respect for yourself. When you respect yourself and something hurts you, offends you, you say about it directly: “You know, I hate to hear this, now you’re saying such a disrespectful tone or unpleasant words. I want to cry, why are you telling me this? I was never told this. I beg you to speak to me with more respect.”

We always talk about what hurts us, what is important to us in our priorities. But we say this without reproach, but with respect. All the time a common platform, all the time a common territory.

If your partner treats you rudely, insults you, he does everything only to make you respect yourself. It's like a provocation. So that you learn to defend your personal boundaries, declare yourself, respect yourself. At that moment, he doesn’t respect himself, of course, but you wouldn’t have found such a partner if you respected yourself.

3. It is important to be interested in his feelings.

For example, you saw that some problem was brewing. You offer something and he says NO. And then you can say: “This is very important to me, but I see that you don’t care, tell me a little more about it.”

BE INTERESTED all the time - “What’s happening to you?”

Or you say: - Let's talk about it...
“No, I don’t want to say,” he answers.
- You’re probably busy right now, but when will be convenient for you?

But when we pester our partner, and at the same time he is in bad mood, we make it clear to him that we do not respect his feelings, we are not interested in him. “It’s important for me to talk now, and I don’t care what else you’re doing.”

4. Focus on all the good things in your relationship.

This also leads to sincerity, as to trust and security. Talk more often about the good things that are happening in your relationship:

Our children are so good, our son is as attentive as you...
We had such a good time visiting yesterday, it was so much fun with you.
I am very pleased when you give flowers.

You yourself always emphasize the good things that unite you. And you fill the space of your relationship with everything good that happened, remembering pleasant moments, and there are a lot of them. And for this you need to be able to see it, to focus your attention on it.

It is important to develop this skill. To do this, ask yourself questions every day:

What's good in our relationship today?
What did I enjoy?
What nice thing did I do for my husband?

Is sincerity really necessary in relationships? If it makes sense to tell your loved one that the carnations he gave you (it’s good that he gave you flowers in general - this is now a rarity among men) are not your favorite flowers, do you prefer roses or chrysanthemums?

Or, for example, do you hate watching action movies or football? Where is the guarantee that by acting honestly, your partner will stop loving and respecting you? Or you don't eat meat and stick to healthy eating, and he loves meat and fried potatoes. What should I do?

What is the right thing to do when you are invited somewhere, but at that very moment you have very important things to do? Or do you simply have no desire to go anywhere or go exactly where your loved one invited you? Maybe you just want to be at home?

And what to answer if your loved one is interested in your relationship with former partners? Should you rejoice at his attentiveness to you or wonder what caused this interest? And what might your frankness mean to you in the future?

Question, Is sincerity really necessary in relationships with loved ones and where are its limits?? Is it necessary to tell everything about yourself and your life or is it better to leave something in the shadows?

Yet sincerity is necessary. Yes, it is sincerity and honesty, but not pretense and coquetry, not an attempt to put on someone else’s mask and hide one’s essence.

If you don't want to eat something that disgusts you for the rest of your life, get unnecessary gifts, flowers from which you are allergic, watch a movie after which you cannot fall asleep for a long time, waste your time attending boring events, communicate with people who are indifferent or disgusting to you, then learn to tell the truth.

Ask yourself a question you can live with a person and be happy, If to you necessary will pretend and play someone else's role every day? And he will not love you, but he perfect image, which you created yourself. And your partner, how will he feel when you can’t stand your own pretense and fall apart? When he asks you to go to the cinema or theater, you will start a scandal about how much you hate all these plays or action films. You will tell him everything that has accumulated over the years, that everything that you endured all this for his sake, so that he would like him and therefore simply forgot about yourself and your soul.

And the worst thing is that you will blame your man for your insincerity. You will forget that you yourself made the decision not to tell the truth for fear of losing the relationship. But it’s a lie, like snowball will only grow and put more pressure on you.
Why do so many girls and women still do this?

Perhaps it's self-doubt. We are afraid to be as we are, thinking that no one needs us this way and men will not love us. Which means
you need to surround yourself with an aura of mystery and lie in order to seem better and thereby attract a man.

And after the wedding, unable to withstand the weight of lies and insincerity, the woman changes. Perhaps this is why men have the opinion that all women change after marriage. But in fact, a woman becomes natural, as she is, it is a man who took another wife, whose image she herself came up with. And not every man can accept the fact that he was simply deceived and betrayed.

Learn to say “no” or “yes”, depending on the circumstances. And never make excuses if you don’t like something or, on the contrary, really like it. Perhaps not everyone will appreciate this and leave, and perhaps your man will not be ready to accept you as you are, then he was not your man. This means your meeting is still ahead.

Or, for example, do you hate watching action movies or football? Where is the guarantee that by acting honestly, your partner will stop loving and respecting you? Or you don't eat meat and stick to a healthy diet, but he loves meat and fried potatoes. What should I do?

Honesty and sincerity in relationships Many people want honesty in their relationships with their partner, their family and friends. However, only a few seem to be able to establish honesty forever in a way that feeds them. This is mainly due to the fact that we often present ourselves as honest. This is an outdated perspective that prevents us from sharing what is really going on inside us, how we feel and what our needs are. We've learned something about honesty, which prevents us from truly being connected to other people and providing the intimacy of intimacy.

And what should you answer if your loved one is interested in your relationship with your former partners? Should you rejoice at his attentiveness to you or wonder what caused this interest? And what might your frankness mean to you in the future?

But what exactly is this general opinion about honesty? Honesty is often seen as offensive, impolite and inconvenient because it old point In terms of honesty, it means that you say what you think in an unfiltered way. In this case, you are pretending to honestly tell the truth while you are drilling a dagger into the other person's heart. The Gremlin part then acts unconsciously and serves irresponsible shadow principles such as destruction, revenge, manipulation, or the boss. Gremlin's favorite food is the destruction of intimacy, closeness and relationships, and the Cloak of Honesty is apparently good for that.

Yet sincerity is necessary. Yes, it is sincerity and honesty, but not pretense and coquetry, not an attempt to put on someone else’s mask and hide one’s essence.

If you don’t want to spend your entire life eating something that disgusts you, receiving unnecessary gifts, flowers that make you allergic, watching a movie after which you can’t fall asleep for a long time, wasting your time attending boring events, communicating with people, which you are indifferent or disgusted with, then learn to tell the truth.

Thus, honesty smacks of unpredictability and feels dangerous and difficult. Honesty mainly comes from the mind and is based on phrases, beliefs, opinions and value systems. Honesty often relates to what another person does good or bad, right or wrong, or what is positive or negative about their behavior. This rating in itself is already a shadow principle and paves the way for the so-called low drama, which is mainly about right, winning and knowing better.

What did I do after I learned how to create genuine relationships?

Often the person "receiving" the honesty plays the victim and forces the person to speak honestly about the stalker. Honesty attempts to understand, comprehend, analyze and is often seen as criticism, judgment or blame from the outside. This is because most seemingly honest conversations usually involve messages from you that can often be seen as an attack by the other person. The focus is on the other person, not the speaker. Honesty is therefore often seen as manipulative and attempts to control or change a situation or another person.

Ask yourself a question you can live with a person and be happy, If to you necessary will pretend and play someone else's role every day? And he will not love you, but the ideal image that you yourself have created. And your partner, how will he feel when you can’t stand your own pretense and fall apart? When he asks you to go to the cinema or theater, you will start a scandal about how much you hate all these plays or action films. You will tell him everything that has accumulated over the years, that everything that you endured all this for his sake, so that he would like him and therefore simply forgot about yourself and your soul.

How to create sincere relationships if we do not respect other people's opinions and do not compromise?

In certain situations, honesty is even considered stupid or naive. Think, for example, of a situation in a supermarket where the cashier incorrectly counts in your favor. If you kindly flag the error to the cashier, it won't take long until you hear the sentence Why did you say that? This is incredibly stupid. Honesty is often limited, limited, and has the meaning of “It’s okay to be honest, but not too honest.” If you are, for example, too honest with yourself and share personal things, you are easily attacked.

And the worst thing is that you will blame your man for your insincerity. You will forget that you yourself made the decision not to tell the truth for fear of losing the relationship. But a lie, like a snowball, will only grow and put more pressure on you.
Why do so many girls and women still do this?

Perhaps it's self-doubt. We are afraid to be as we are, thinking that no one needs us this way and men will not love us. Which means

you need to surround yourself with an aura of mystery and lie in order to seem better and thereby attract a man.

In fact, you cannot predict how another person will react or what they will think when you are honest about how you are doing. Additionally, you might be a burden to them or considered unreasonable, in addition to the fact that the upcoming intimacy will be really intense. Honesty is often associated with heaviness. Modern society trained people to wear masks and not be vulnerable to people. Honesty often means saying as much as you can still control. Honesty is okay as long as you are still in control of the situation.

It can also mean "hiding part of the truth." Some readers may know this sentence from their business or personal lives because our society promotes distant professionalism and a state of dispassion. The general consensus is that as soon as you share and thereby reveal something about yourself, you become vulnerable and attackable. In general, honesty doesn't seem to be very attractive. But the fact is that our relationships suffer from this old perspective on honesty, and the part within us that craves connection and true humanity is starved.

But how can we take this part into account and allow for greater humanity and connection in our relationships? It can work if we move to a new perspective on honesty. One possibility would be to take the word “honesty” to the next level and use the word “radical honesty.” However, since the word honesty itself is attached to the above characteristics, it is useful to use another word for new perspective: Sincerity! Exists a big difference between honesty and sincerity in relationships.

I remember one elderly woman. She sat next to me and her mere presence irritated me. She said the appropriate words in such a situation as if she had learned them by heart: “I’m sorry,” “He was a good man,” “Time heals wounds,” and so on.

I was surprised that the same words sounded different from the lips of others. Someone could convey their participation, sympathy and sorrow without words.

Sincerity allows you to be completely authentic and humane, while at the same time conquering new territories of your joint relationship with the other person in a respectful and whole way. True sincerity nourishes you, your colleague and your joint relationship. Sincerity does not involve judgment, but is instead neutral. It's about authentic sharing and making difference. Although honesty comes mainly from the mind, sincerity arises in the being and includes all four bodies.

An important factor regarding sincerity is the communication of feelings, i.e. e. an authentic exchange of information about how you are feeling in the present moment. We don't learn anything about feelings at school, we don't think about work. The general consensus is that feelings are not okay. When you feel and express anger, fear, joy or sadness - these are four huge areas of feeling - you are quickly labeled as unprofessional and immature. Anger, for example, is seen as destructive, childish and uncontrollable, while sadness is seen as weak, unhappy, something that sucks and makes you cry.

What was the difference? The state I was in allowed me to understand who spoke from the heart and who spoke only out of necessity. What does it mean to “speak from the heart”? And why is this so important in relationships between people? It is easy to determine the interest of your interlocutor by the way he listens to you: by his gaze, by his concentration, by his sensual reaction. “Speaking from the heart” means speaking openly about your thoughts, feelings and ideas. It seems simple, but it's not that simple in reality. Openness and sincerity need to be developed, as well as other positive character traits.

You should also avoid fear because fear blocks you, can cause panic, is weak and is definitely not characteristic of honest man. Joy may be ok, but if you sit in the office smiling all day, you are asked if you smoke something or if you don't have enough work. Then suddenly you are naive not to take it seriously and stupid. All four senses are wrong. Honestly showing them is not all right. Given this assumption of feelings in the background, it is very easy to be honest and not honest at the same time.

This way, you are not only focusing on yourself and avoiding messages, but you are also showing up in a vulnerable way. This vulnerability in turn opens up space for closeness, intimacy, and trust. The more authentic you are to yourself and others, the more secure and comfortable you are. This sounds paradoxical at first and dangerous for the ego, because the ego retreats and does not begin its normal survival mechanism. Instead, you drop the separation mask so your creature can appear. You need courage because sincerity comes from ignorance.

Why is this happening?

You can be sincere when you are present in the here and now and directly sense and experience what is happening within you. Unlike honesty, sincerity has nothing to do with the concept. You do not think ahead of time about what you are going to tell the other person, but instead feel what is inside you in each moment, what you feel and how you perceive things. While honesty can easily destroy relationships and therefore unconsciously serve shadow principles, the purpose of sincerity is to create and deepen intimacy and intimacy.

Have you ever wondered why some people managed to keep their love for life? How did they do this? There are cases when a person, having visited a psychologist, returned to the period of his love.

Our life is full of routine things that can kill love. Even princesses do what all people do: eat, drink, sleep, get tired and don't always look good. A connection based on a sincere, open relationship, a connection from the heart, can save us from routine and preserve our feelings for each other.

In this way, sincerity serves the so-called “Vivid Principles.” Below you will find a list with different characteristics honesty and sincerity. Honesty Sincerity  Stupid. Not helpful  Creates clarity  Disturbance. Power  Tool to create clarity and tool opportunity  Often irresponsible. Looking Inward  Difficult to bear  Needs courage  Often serves shadow principles  Serve conscious purpose and bright principles.  Creates distance. Separates  Creates openness and vulnerability  Destroys closeness and closeness  Opens spaces of intimacy and trust  Is a burden.

Sincerely, Anastasia Gai

Heavy  Creates a connection  Narrow and limited. Only good for  Stands for width. Make sure you still have control.  Not attractive.  Very attractive. The point is that when you desire more sincerity and thus intimacy and intimacy in your relationship, you need to go first. When you wait for your partner, your friends, colleagues or family to make the first move, you become a victim of circumstances.

What does openness and sincerity give in relationships?

How can you take the first step? Or are you afraid that you are no longer considered “professional” or “normal”? It is important that you communicate your feelings with sincerity. This is a completely different answer to the question My day? And your? Yes, sincerity requires courage. However, fear is just fear, one of the four basic feelings. You can trust fear and go into the unknown without knowing. Our being longs for genuine, deep connection that allows us to be authentic, human and vulnerable.

Think about people who live together and meet after a long day at work: to what extent are they honest with each other and do they really pay enough attention to each other? Most often, they carry out their usual daily activities, paying little attention to the emotional state of the other: putting shopping in its place, preparing dinner, putting the children to bed. Each of them, of course, had pleasant and unpleasant moments during the day, but who can devote the time and energy to listen to the other’s ups and downs in the evening?

We ourselves build walls and erect barriers of insincerity in relationships with the people closest to us, and then we wonder where the love goes? At the same time, in sincere relationships, people feel the emotional state and mood of the other without words, through behavior and even gestures, which is not as simple as it might seem. After all, people often INDEPENDENTLY and VOLUNTARILY close their inner world to others, even those closest to them. And this prevents you from building open relationships.

Why is this happening?

We are all very subtle and sensitive, we all protect our inner world from “dirty boots” that can trample there, we are all afraid of getting mentally traumatized. Most of us, at various stages of our lives, have been wounded by other people and then have long and carefully built walls around ourselves to protect our Self from outside incursions.

Openness behavior is spontaneous behavior, but many of us are simply afraid of it. We like to do everything as usual, without unnecessary changes and surprises, but over time we suddenly discover that our relationships have withered, become boring, insipid and artificial. We do everything only because we have to do it. And the relationship begins to desperately need something to survive.

After a year of dating, they decided to start a family and moved to live in Olya’s apartment, where her two children from a previous marriage lived with them. However, very soon they noticed that they began to move away from each other. The most surprising thing is that this began to happen precisely after the start of life together. Suddenly, various problems appeared that required solutions.

Remember yourself - for many couples, living together brings drastic changes to their relationships. Although the reasons are different for everyone. Olya wanted to prove to the children that she had not left them, had not forgotten them, and as a result, Tolya felt lonely in the evenings, although Olya was always with him at night.

Tolya was offended, but fearing that Olya would think that he wanted to alienate her from the children, he tried with all his might not to get angry and tried to figure out where we could all go together. Soon all this reminded him of his relationship with his ex-wife. She removed the children from him because he worked a lot and often came home late. This was her revenge. She created a coalition against him. Tolya began to feel that he was living his past life again, but when he tried to talk to Olya about his feelings, he did not meet with understanding from her. Instead of trying to understand him, she suddenly became defensive.

Olya also understood that they were moving away, and she felt that this was what could ultimately destroy their relationship. Because of this, she had to behave in exactly the opposite way: on the one hand, she tried her best to pay attention to Tolya, but at the same time she understood that then he would feel like another child, and did not want to allow this. On the other hand, she was angry and accused him of being jealous of the children and of taking her away from the children. Olya felt that she was torn and that she could not satisfy the desires of both the children and Tolya. As a result, thoughts began to come to her that the past was returning to her life. The ex-husband also used to say that she did not pay enough attention to him.

In the life of every couple, for example, a couple of months after the start of a close relationship, serious problems arise that this couple must cope with. Otherwise, parting with stormy scenes and showdowns is inevitable. Strong feelings such as anger, irritation, or fear of loss only make problems worse. As a result, two people who generally love each other allow their feelings to control their destinies.

And this happens because we close ourselves off, hide behind walls that were built a long time ago, and beyond which we allowed ourselves to go only for a short time. Of course, this is easier than being open and sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings, because in this case there is a danger of not meeting the expected understanding and reliving past grievances and disappointments.

Let's see how the conversation takes place between Tolya and Olya. Both had already closed, each hid behind their own fence. Pay special attention to the subtext of each remark:

Olya:“What happened, Tolya? Have you been in a bad mood all evening?”
(This is the usual behavior of a woman; she knows well what the reason is, but is afraid to touch it.)

Tolya:“No, I was in a normal mood.”
(Tolya avoids answering; he prefers to hide his anger and dissatisfaction.)

Tolya:"How would you know? You spent all this time with Vera, didn’t you?”
(Tolya really attacks her, but at the same time makes her understand the reason for her behavior)

Tolya:“Really? I don't think that's true."
(Here Tolya closed himself off. He prefers not to see that Olya paid attention to him)

Olya:“I don’t know what you want from me, but you know that I have to help her with math.”
(Here Olya shows herself as a real woman, she is already defending herself from the bunker)

Tolya:“Yes, I know I have to help, it’s okay.”
(Tolya climbs into his bunker and ends the conversation)

Both are closed and defensive, instead of talking openly and finding out what the other really cares about. A frank conversation might not have solved the problem, but oddly enough, in this case it is not at all important.

There are many problems that have no solution. In a frank conversation, Olya would talk about her unsuccessful attempts to pay attention to both the children and Tolya at the same time, she would talk about her fear of losing him and the relationship that exists between them.

When people tell each other about their fears, and they are most often the main cause of discord in relationships, the partner strives to help overcome these fears and dispel empty doubts. Anger only closes hearts. Open and sincere people know that although many problems have no solution, their severity is significantly reduced when your spouse is willing to listen and understand you.

In the case of Tolya and Olya, the problem was that Tolya had not yet managed to build a relationship with Olya’s children; they had not yet become his own. But the system of relations with them will still be built later. And this should not be hindered by Tolya’s mother’s dissatisfaction. After all, children subconsciously copy the reactions of their parents, and with people who are dissatisfied with you, the chance of building normal relationships is very, very small.

Sincerity in relationships– this is what each of us needs, this is a universal desire. But by a strange coincidence, all of us, wanting to be sincere and expecting sincerity, are so rarely rewarded with this happiness. Why? The answer seems strange: we do not know what sincerity is. Unfortunately, what we ourselves and other people often call sincerity turns out to be not sincerity, but banal cruelty. Let's speculate.

When the pain in a relationship reaches its limit, when there is no longer any strength to endure, a moment comes that we are accustomed to calling “sincerity,” although in fact, this is nothing more than an attack of despair or an attempt at revenge. “Do you want to be honest? I think you never loved me. You constantly lie to me, deceive me. Do you think I don’t understand that you feel bad about me? What don't you like? But I endure everything,” says the young man to his girlfriend. And ask him: “Well, what did you say to her?” And he will answer: “What did I “say”, I didn’t say anything. I just told her everything as it is, frankly, told the truth.”

And now the question is: did he tell the “truth” or did he try to take revenge on her for his grievances and disappointments with what he called “the truth”. Telling the “truth” does not mean being sincere; such “truth” is a weapon, it is a warhead. If the relationship had started with this “truth,” it would have been different, but now, after pain and hatred have accumulated, it is no longer the truth, but a way to hit harder, a way to take revenge. And although we have considered male example, this means of revenge is used by representatives of both sexes and all ages.

If we want to be sincere, then we must first of all be sincere with ourselves. If the person with whom we establish a close relationship is truly dear to us, then we will easily give up our claims (expectations and demands), and we will do it sincerely and with all our hearts. If our principles and views, our idea of life are dearer to us, then there is no need to suffer, this is a disastrous strategy.

Forming a sincere and truly intimate relationship with another person is a lot of work. But this is by no means a labor of making compromises, This is the work of determining priorities: what is more important - he or I with my desires, views and claims? If we are honest with ourselves, then we will not have this terrible internal tension that so often destroys relationships.

Sincerity is not something that should be sought, sincerity is a state in which I must be myself if I really want such a relationship. Otherwise, my sincerity will turn out to be not sincerity, but cruelty, with which I pay for the injuries inflicted on me, through my own fault, however.

Sincerity in relationships – this is when each of the two people in this relationship is sincere with themselves. Sincerity is the completeness of my attitude towards another person; if I am sincere, there is not and cannot be a “second bottom” in me. So what is the work of creating sincere relationships if not my inner work? Yes, this is precisely internal work, work on abandoning one’s own demands and determining priorities. We must realize the main thing: what we do in a relationship with another person is not a courtesy on our part, it is our work for our good. I wish you happiness and love! Your Leah

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