Online consultations. Chatting with your father's girlfriend if you are an adult

Hello, I need your advice on communicating with my father, whom I have never met.

I'm 30 years old, I'm married, we have a daughter, a husband wonderful person and a caring father. And the older I get, the more I feel that I would also like to find a father. Also, in the subconscious there is a distrust of men, that a husband can at some point up and leave, choosing another person, as his father once did. I don’t feel resentment towards him and I’m ready to accept anyone, as long as he recognizes me. I saw him only in photos, although we live in the same city, 20 minutes away from each other. I never tortured my mother with questions about why things didn’t work out with my father, I don’t want her to feel guilty, because she did everything possible for me and even more so that I wouldn’t need anything. Yes, it doesn’t really matter to me for what reason they couldn’t become a family, that’s their business and that’s in the past. So I realized that the pregnancy was not planned by my dad because almost immediately he had a woman with whom he started a family and had two daughters. There were no alimony payments, much less meetings, I don’t even know what his voice sounds like.

So that’s the question, I found out his address, I really want to see him and perhaps establish some kind of communication, but I don’t know how to take the first step. To come to his house, in my opinion, is too aggressive and can push him away, but to call him I can’t find the words and don’t know where to start. There is a fear that he is not needed once in all the time he has not shown himself, but it is still better than living with questions and not trying to meet.

Tell me where to start? How to structure your first conversation on the phone? And is it necessary to immediately contact him, maybe try to meet his wife first?

Ekaterina Gordeeva

Krasnodar

Evgeny Mayorov

Administrator, Riga

Ekaterina Gordeeva, good day! Indeed, contact with the father is very important. In your situation he special theme that you didn’t see him, didn’t hear him. And he also did not take part in your upbringing, did not know about your first step, first word...

Your versions have a right to exist, especially against the background of the unknown that is hidden in the first conversation, the first meeting. Of course, you can't predict his reaction. Besides, you don’t know why he’s been silent all this time; there’s probably some reason for that. However, I suggest you think about what is better: to regret what you did or what you never tried?

Conversation rehearsal, of course good way prepare, but you probably have doubts that the scenario will not work out?
Will you try to tell us your version of events? Where do you want to start with this?

The psychologist will answer as soon as possible.

Father - he main man in a girl's life. Of course, it is better to make a meeting and talk. Write down meeting options for yourself, choose one option and act. Your heart will tell you what and how to tell you. Not a single psychologist will give you a ready-made script.
If a father has started a family and has daughters, then I don’t think there will be any very acute reaction. After all, time has passed, you don’t lay claim to him, you don’t demand anything from him, but you just want to see.
First, it's better to talk to your mom. Maybe he tried to do something, but your mother was against it. Of course, there is the possibility that your mother was not the one for your father.
No one can tell you exactly what to do 100%. After all, you and I don’t know the nuances of this story.
The conversation option is better with dad, not with his wife. What if your wife doesn’t know about you? And even if he knows, then this relationship concerns only you, as father and daughter.
In any case, during the conversation there is no need to blame or reproach the father for his past.

There is an established stereotype that the most important connection between mother and child is the most important for the development of a child. But it turns out that a child’s communication with his father is no less important for the full formation of his personality. So why is the father's role usually considered secondary? Sociologists have conducted interesting studies. Seven out of ten people believe that mother and father bear equal responsibility for raising a child. But in reality, fathers spend an average of less than one month a year with their children. But it has long been known that children growing up without a father study much worse. Moreover, such children are much more likely to commit crimes. But it turns out that not everyone knows how a father should communicate with his child.

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Photo gallery: How a father should communicate with his child

Why is the father-child relationship so important?

Research shows that children raised jointly by their father and mother have a number of advantages:

1. Fewer behavior problems.
2. Better academic results.
3. Better health, both physical and mental.
4. Easier to find mutual language with peers.
5. If the relationship between father and mother is good, then they themselves create strong families.
6. Are seeking best success in professional activities.

As we see, great importance has not only paternal upbringing. But also harmonious relationships between dad and mom. Many people believe that the more time a father spends with his child, the better. But this is not entirely true. The amount of time is not an indicator of love and care. Much quality is more important relationships. The father must teach something useful. Be a worthy role model, communicate with the child not “under pressure”, but according to mutual desire.

Subconsciously, a child, upon becoming an adult, will largely copy the behavior of his parents. Therefore, many parents from problematic families do not divorce in order to raise children. In fact, children are already early age They notice the falseness in a relationship if parents pretend to be happy together. But, despite this, most of them want to live with mom and dad. During a divorce, the greatest psychological trauma the child receives. And no arguments can convince him that this will be better for everyone.

If divorce is inevitable, you should find the strength to do it in a civilized manner. It is very important for children that parents continue to interact with each other. And under no circumstances should a child be prohibited from communicating with one of the parents. In Russia, ex-wives often take revenge on their “retired” husbands by prohibiting them from meeting their children. But in the end, they harm not their ex-husband, but their beloved children.

Why do fathers find it difficult to communicate with their children?

This doesn't always happen. But only when the father spends little time with his offspring. There is an excuse that men have a harder time managing their emotions when discussing sensitive issues. It is much easier for them to watch football with teenagers. Play with them computer games or take a walk in the park. That's why important questions, even on the male side, children have to discuss with their mother. Dad needs to talk and listen to the children. And not just be there. It is very important to know how a father should communicate with his child.

The man is the main breadwinner in the family. He is forced to devote more time to work. And the children grow up. And it is often increasingly difficult for the father to find a common language with them. The father is rarely fully responsible for the newborn baby. There is even a stupid belief that in the first years of a child’s life, a father is not needed at all. But it is in infancy that mental contact is established between the baby and others. It may happen that the grandmother, who is always nearby, will become more important to the child than the father. Therefore, from the first days of the baby’s life, a man should properly take Active participation in his destiny. Realizing this, especially in the West, many husbands are with their wives during childbirth.

What can a father do to improve his relationship with his children?

1. Develop a relationship with your mother. If a mother feels the love and care of her father, then the mother’s happiness is transmitted to the child. And for full development child this is extremely important.
2. Strain your father with “dirty” work. Nothing brings dad and baby together like changing a wet diaper. The father is unable to breastfeed. But he must feel responsible and involved.
3. Give them time. Perhaps the relationship will not improve immediately. Children are waiting for proof of love. And these will not be gifts, but sincere attention and fatherly care.
4. It's not what you say that matters. And what you do. Children no longer perceive words, but actions. Remember that parents are role models. Daughters will subconsciously look for a person like their dad. And sons want to be like their fathers. So be careful: they may copy the traits you hate about yourself.
5. Talk to your companion. First of all, you need to understand your relationship. For example, for a man, the feeling of jealousy is a natural phenomenon. It can cause unnecessary conflicts. Concerns need to be discussed. To overcome misunderstandings with children, father and mother must be one team.
6. Listen to your children. As children get older, they need to be given the opportunity to be heard. This will help teenagers feel important. And will increase their self-esteem.
7. And finally, take care of yourself and your children.

Father does not communicate with child after divorce

Depending on the established motive, it is necessary to build a further action plan. If the reason lies in the fact that the child feels betrayed and abandoned, then it is necessary to take action to convince the son or daughter of the opposite. They should feel the love of the parent, feel his unobtrusive presence in their lives.

You cannot force a child to see his father. After all, in this case negative reaction will only intensify. You should persistently and patiently convince the baby of your sincere parental feelings, showing perseverance and love.

When the reason is the mother’s desire to take revenge on the departed man, then it will be necessary to improve relations with her so that she does not interfere with the father’s communication with his daughter or son. It is worth trying to convince her that the interests of the child should be higher than their own grievances and emotions.

There are no “ex-dads”. communication with a child after divorce

How mothers should behave after a divorce Of course, it is incredibly difficult to survive a breakup with a once-beloved man, but you should not involve your child in your experiences, turning him against his father. The baby needs communication with both parents, because otherwise he will not be happy. You cannot speak badly about their father in the presence of a son or daughter, because in most cases they begin to copy the behavior of their mother.

It is better to speak about the departed spouse in a positive light or at least neutrally. Also, you should not interrupt the child’s relationship with other relatives through the ex-spouse. After all, it is probably difficult for a child, or even a teenager, to accept their new status.
So why aggravate childhood experiences? Mothers should also remember that a reason for refusing to meet with dad may also be his cruel attitude in relation to the child.

How to explain to a child that dad doesn’t need him?

And then it’s up to me to sort it out…” Tatyana, 29 years old, divorced for two years, son four years old: “Of course, I will be against it! Communication between the ex-husband and the child in the form in which it occurs is a disaster for the son. After all, if the ex-husband took the child for the weekend, he believes that he has accomplished a feat, and when I don’t sleep for a week because the baby has a fever, this is how it should be. Moreover, dad considers it normal to bring different girls to his place on the same weekend and, without being embarrassed by the child, show his feelings towards them tender feelings! And my son later colorfully tells me how dad first stroked Yulia’s butt, and then stroked him.

Next weekend the same story, but with Masha! Is this a normal example?!” These are just excerpts from numerous letters that come to psychologists working with couples after divorce. The father has the same rights in communication with the child as the mother.

How to correctly explain that the father does not want to communicate with the child?

Attention

So why aggravate childhood experiences? Mothers should also remember that the reason for refusing to meet with dad may be his cruel attitude towards the child. Perhaps he neglected the child, intimidated him, insulted him, beat him, and showed sadistic tendencies. Even if the woman personally did not notice this, this possibility should not be completely excluded.

Important

It’s worth talking with mutual friends and relatives, in case your terrible guesses are confirmed by someone. In such a case, the daughter or son needs protection, and not communication with an unworthy parent. What to do if the child no longer wants to communicate with his father If the child’s reluctance to see his father could not be prevented.

Then both parents are faced with an acute question about how to solve the problem. First of all, you need to find out the reasons why a child or teenager refuses dates.

What happens when a father does not communicate with his child?

It will be better if every time you appear in front of them in the image of a hero with whom you can have an active and fun time, and not in the form of a sack who constantly comes home and lies down on the sofa in front of the TV. You can agree on any other options for meeting with your children. Now society is already being restructured to a relationship format where parents do not live in the same place and do not run a joint household.

Even with this model of relationship, the child feels good, he knows that he has both parents. I personally know several examples where fathers are divorced, but at the same time continue to communicate with their children, and also support them financially, invest in development and education. In all these cases, children do not feel abandoned.
Dad lives separately, minds his own business, he has a personal life. He is not at home with them all the time. They see each other once a week, month or six months.

After divorce, children do not want to communicate with their father

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Dad may be interested in maintaining the relationship and taking the initiative, but mother interferes with him as revenge for old grievances. Here the mother likes to pretend to be a holy woman who has been wrongly treated and she will be even more willing to convince the child that his father is a bastard. This is the most Hard case, restoring the relationship will be difficult, but also possible.

This is a very serious topic for any man. What attitudes will determine the future of your children? The fact that you betrayed a child carries consequences in the form of a complex for life and can make him a failure. An adult man with a female upbringing cannot fully compete. In addition, such experience leads to the formation of a negative scenario among future generations. A boy who has experienced his father's departure often promises himself that he himself will never repeat this act. When he starts a family and finds himself in the same situation.

A difficult situation... how to explain to a child that dad does not want to communicate with him.

But we can absolutely say: the child is not to blame for this! Children sometimes fantasize that if they were smarter, more obedient and better, dad would certainly remain in the family. It seems to them that daddy time and attention can be earned, but they don’t know how. " Inner world The child is designed in such a way that he feels involved in everything, and the child can also blame himself for the fact that dad left the family, explains Daria Sorokina, a practicing psychologist-consultant. “The parents’ task is to convey: “You are not to blame for what happened.” You have nothing to do with the fact that mom and dad no longer live together." Yes, after a divorce there remains a lot of unsaidness, aggression and pain. Often a woman is very offended by her ex-husband and emotionally broadcasts to the whole world, including her child, that she ex-spouse not a very good, decent and responsible person.

The child does not want to communicate with his father after the divorce

You want to assert your feelings without trying to wave a finger in your face. Don't try to be the child's mother. If the mother is present, respect her role and be proud of yours.

• Deal with the present; “what if” gets you nowhere.
• Your work should be for you, for your man and for your son.
• It's not your job to get involved in the drama.
• Don't get involved in a shouting match with your mother.
• It will be like an episode of a telenovela and will cause conflicts between the parties.
• Don't fight your man's battles.
• When something happens, don't run to call your mother.

Psychologists say that what more parents manages to cooperate, the better the children feel. It is very important to build relationships with your child in an organized manner so that he has at least some sense of stability.

Therefore, talk about your father as neutrally as possible. If Small child asks where dad is, you can say that he is busy, but you don’t know exactly what, because you don’t communicate. You can tell children over 5-6 years old that you don’t know why dad doesn’t come, and if you yourself understood your ex-husband well, you wouldn’t get a divorce.” “Before explaining to your child why dad doesn’t appear in his life, try to calmly talk about it with him. ex-husband, - recommends Daria Sorokina. - If the dialogue is honest, it will become clear interesting details. For example, that a man does not want to communicate exclusively with his ex-wife and her family, and she really wants to with the child, but does not understand how this can be done.

Dad may have reasons why he cannot communicate with his daughter or son now: illness, long business trip, desire to be alone temporarily, collect his thoughts and recover.
What should a mother do if the father does not communicate with his child? Money can be a strain for any couple, and chronic illness can be a huge financial burden. You may have lost income because illness made it impossible to work. You have increased medical costs and even remodeling fees if your home needs to be wheelchair accessible. And whoever you are as a caregiver may not be able to leave a job you don't like because of lighting problems. It is also very important for children that both parents take care of them. It is a pity that the husband does not find either time or desire for the children. However, everything is individual and depends on what suits both of you. It is important that people reach agreement on how they see the family and their responsibilities within it. It turns out that your views on family and responsibilities are very different. And then it is important for you to understand for yourself how to live in this.

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Please advise how to behave. My father annoys me. The fact is that now he is trying to actively participate in my life, he calls and invites me and my husband to visit (we live separately). But I don’t need this communication now, and his calls are annoying. Since I was about 10 years old, he and my mother were actively arguing because he drank (he lost his job once because of it), did not want to do anything, never strived for anything. He lives in the past, remembering what happened 30 years ago. A few years ago he had a stroke, but he didn’t stop drinking. He is not a binge alcoholic, he does not row. But I can’t overcome myself. The only thing I feel is irritation. I understand that this is wrong, I’m trying to configure myself differently, but I can’t. Please advise how to learn to communicate with my father.

Lyudmila, Moscow, 25 years old / 02.22.13

Our experts' opinions

• Alyona

  Try to analyze what exactly annoys you about your father’s calls. What is their crime for your finely organized soul? I agree that the atmosphere in which you lived as a child was not very conducive to confidential communication with my father now. But you have already grown up, become independent and can well allow yourself to look at the situation from the position of an adult, and not from an offended little girl who so lacked the attention of mom and dad (because all their time was spent sorting things out with each other and mom’s complaints on dad). In fact, you are now unconsciously “revenge” on your father for everything that you did not receive in childhood, and at the same time for all the insults that he “inflicted” on your mother. Alas, parents are not chosen. But they remain our parents no matter what. And maybe right now, you, adult woman, could improve your relationship. May they not be as trusting and warm as they could have been if he had behaved differently in your childhood. But the past is the past. You need to be able to let it go and give yourself a chance to live in the present, focusing on reality today. But the reality is that your father realized that he needs contact with you. Not in money, not in any way material benefits from you, but simply in communication with your daughter. It happens. Very often, fathers (with the help of mothers, by the way) begin to take an interest in their children only when they grow up. Why does this annoy you? Only because inside you sits a little offended girl who continues to feel sorry for herself and her mother for everything that happened before. And he continues to quietly hate dad. That little Luda, not the adult Lyudmila, who simply doesn’t want to help this girl understand and forgive her dad. Doesn't want to or doesn't know how. Perhaps my mother played not the least role in this resentment against dad. But in essence, your mother is to blame for you no less, and maybe even more than he is. After all, she didn’t just choose such a husband for herself, gave birth to a child from him, she could not inspire him to heroic deeds for the sake of the family and, of her own free will, lived her whole life with such a “worthless” partner, enduring his binges, idleness and scandals (for what?) . It turns out that, despite all her dissatisfaction with her husband, this marriage suited her, and she found her interest in him. Only you really suffered. And you continue to suffer now. And completely in vain. Because now you can build your own own relationships with dad, without looking at mom. In general, just understanding that you are wrong is not enough. You need to become an adult in your relationship, forgive both parents and let go of your childhood resentment towards your father. And you can always find time to communicate with him if you want. Water wears away stones. If you stop looking at dad through the eyes of little Lyuda or her mother, then little by little you will build your own adult relationship with your elderly father.

• Sergey

  Lyudmila, unfortunately, at this age it is too late to learn to communicate with parents. Certain relationships were initially formed in your family, and now it will probably not be possible to quickly correct them. Here only time, experience and wisdom can change something. In addition, any person in his life goes through a certain period when parents are not needed, they interfere, irritate, and so on. And you, apparently, are exactly in it. Considering this fact, as well as the fact that regarding your father you still adhere to the opinion of your mother, which she expressed in front of you in the past, I think that you will not be able to correct anything in the near future. However, everything in the world is changing. And with age, just believe me, you begin to look at many things differently. Therefore, I believe that it is definitely not worth quarreling with your father. Moreover, he is sick. So be patient and learn to treat some circumstances philosophically. And if you absolutely don’t want to go visit your parent, you don’t need to force yourself. You can always refer, for example, to being busy. But sometimes you can talk on the phone. Well, then time will put everything in its place. However, I advise you not to forget that blaming and offending are the easiest things to do. It is much more difficult to understand and accept. And if your parents could not find the strength to live and communicate with each other as human beings, this does not mean at all that you should be the same. Try to abstract yourself from childhood grievances and analyze the behavior of your parents, as well as your attitude towards them, in an adult way. Exactly my own, and not from my mother’s words. Maybe this is worth having a frank conversation with your father. At least to try to understand him.

Psychologist consultations - family relationships, solving family problems. Family occupies the most important place in the life of each of us. Probably, every person most of all wants everything to be fine in his family. But, in the process of developing family relationships, various problems often arise that cannot always be solved without outside help.

If you have certain difficulties in family relationships- for example, in husband/wife relationships, relationships with relatives, etc., you can ask a psychologist a question, or read the archive of questions and answers. Perhaps someone has already had similar family problems and in the answers of psychologists you will find something useful for yourself.

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Ksenia: (28.09.2010)

Hello. My name is Ksenia, I'm 20 years old. Please tell me what should I do. I'm very a big problem in family. For as long as I can remember, my parents constantly argued with each other. My mother and I systematically left home, but then she forgave my father and we returned to him again. At first everything was quiet, and then everything repeated again. The instigator of scandals, and often beatings, was the father. Blamed my mother for everything he could. And without any reason. And it all took its toll on me. I wouldn't say that we are a poor or deprived family. Quite the opposite. My father earns a lot and, it seems to me, it is because of this that he feels his power over us. He's kind of energetic vampire. If he is in a bad mood, he tries to make everyone feel bad. He often brought me to tears. And then, as an apology, he gave a rather large sum of money. I wasn't so worried before. A child is a child - he forgets everything. But now I understand that I simply hate him for all his actions and I can’t help it. I understand that this is impossible, that it burns me, but it’s like water off a duck’s back for him. But nevertheless, I don’t know how to continue to live with my tyrant father? My emotional condition I am so shaken that I very often cannot sleep. I can lie all night, remember all the scandals, all the beatings and tremble with anger and hatred. I'm seriously shaking all over. And during the day I’m like dead. I do not want anything. I don't need anything. I go to university only because I don’t want to see him at home. And I don’t know how to get out of this emotional ditch. I understand that it’s only me who is worse off from this, but I can’t help it. We can't get away from him. We tried it many times, it can stand under the door, under the windows. And everything like that. This happened many times. But now it’s simply unbearable to live with him. And it seems to me that I might go crazy. He is very strong emotionally, manipulates people and is very difficult to deal with. I am very afraid of him, despite the fact that he has never laid a finger on me in my entire life. He skillfully kills with words. And I just don't know what to do next.

Expert answer:

Hello, Ksenia!

I understand you and your condition. It is very difficult to be, much less live, in the company of such people; it is even more painful when yours turns out to be such a tyrant. close person. No matter how sad it is to realize, your father Ksenia really belongs to the so-called type of domestic tyrant. What makes them special? I think you understand yourself, everything is described in your story. Unfounded accusations, humiliation, scandals, followed by periods of relative calm, apologies (gifts) - and again in a circle. Men who mentally and physically abuse their wives and children can justify themselves by saying that they want what is good for them - and oppress them solely in educational purposes. In fact, they experience a feeling of satisfaction from causing pain to another person, and in this regard they are no different from classical sadists. I understand that it’s hard to realize that your father is a sadist, but this is apparently a harsh reality. Which exit? The best way out if you come across such a sadist in life is to run away from him and limit communication with him to zero. I understand that in your case this is unrealistic, this is your father, you have already tried and so far without success. What to do? How to live with a tyrant father? There is a way out, but to do this you need to stop being afraid of it and start fighting it. As practice shows, all domestic sadists are afraid of publicity and concrete interference from outside people. Therefore, never hide your grievances, do not isolate yourself. There is no need to be guided by thoughts like “you shouldn’t wash your dirty linen in public,” “it’s my own fault,” “I have to be patient, because this is my father,” “learn to behave in such a way as not to irritate him,” etc. Understand, this is all that these types need. Don’t expect him to change himself or to realize what he is doing - this is most often not given to such people. Tell your father's parents, relatives, friends, neighbors about how he behaves with you. Most of his acquaintances may not even be aware of his sadistic tendencies. Talk to your mother, join forces, and develop joint strategies for behavior with your father. Contact psychological assistance centers and ask for help in this situation. The most important thing is to stop being a victim. Let him know what a “fun” life awaits him every time he offends you. Well, still, if nothing works out, then the only way out is to leave and live separately. You are already old enough to decide for yourself how to live your life. Well, you were unlucky with your father, well, maybe “to hell with him,” why do you continue to live with a tyrant? Think about yourself, because the most important thing is your moral and physical health, tranquility and peace of mind. I sincerely wish you good luck and happiness!

Best regards, Mikhail Petrov