Difficult psychology of family and family relations. Family relationships are
family relationships
While working with all family members at the same time, it becomes noticeable how diverse and inconsistently their activity manifests itself. It is expressed in all kinds of movements and gestures, in ambiguous phrases and reticence. Most of all, this picture resembled a jar of worms. It is difficult to determine where one worm ends and another begins. All this chaotic movement left the impression of liveliness and expediency. But this is an aimless movement. This comparison seemed so successful that they called the totality of intra-family relationships "a jar of worms."
You can draw a picture of your family by circling each one. If there was someone else in your family who no longer exists, you can designate this person with a shaded circle (deceased relatives, deceased husband or wife). Everyone who was once a member of the family but then left it for any reason, forever leaves a deep imprint in the minds of their loved ones. If the rest did not come to terms with separation, then the “spirit” of the deceased will hover over them and interfere in the life of the family. But as soon as the family finally realizes the loss and comes to terms with separation, the adverse influence of the "spirit" will disappear.
It is impossible for a family to remain an independent island for a long time. All family members are connected by a whole network of people, they are invisible, but certainly exist.
Now you need to make changes to the map that couples are going through, they have their own role names.
Roles and couples in the family are divided into:
1. Married - husband and wife.
2. Parent-child - father-daughter, mother-daughter, father-son, etc.
3. Children - brother - sister, brother-brother, etc.
Roles are always paired in the family. You cannot play the role of a wife in the absence of a husband and the role of a brother in the absence of a sister (brother).
The same role comes with different expectations. Therefore, it is important to find out what this role means for each family member.
Most often in families, the roles are slightly mixed up. Sometimes a husband and wife have their own ideas about marital roles, which are far from each other. They never discussed these issues and believed that their ideas about family roles coincided.
What can you say about your family? What are your ideas about family roles? Why don't you all discuss together your views on your own role in the family, the role of your spouse, children?
You can think of all the roles that your family members play in terms of hats they put on depending on the situation and throughout the day they constantly take off and put on their hats. And if you have to put on all the hats at once, it will be very difficult.
Now let's draw on the family map the lines connecting the family members to each other, and think about the nature of the relationship of each couple, imagine how these two feel.
Now consider the triangles in the family, they appear with the advent of the child, and now the family map will look like this: it is already difficult to distinguish individual parts here. The connections between triangles are intertwined and complicated. In families, we do not live in pairs, but in triangles.
When a child appears, 3 triangles are formed at once, and not one. Triangle - this is a couple + one more person, and since two can contact at the same time, the third often seems to be superfluous. The essence of the triangle changes depending on who is currently on the sidelines. These triangles are: mother, father, son (daughter), etc. The level of tension in relations within a particular triangle depends on who is currently in the position of an outside observer, and how uncomfortable he feels in this role. The "superfluous" always has a choice: either to intervene and disrupt the relationship of the other two, or to maintain their communication, while remaining an interested observer. This choice will be decisive for the nature of ties within the family. Between people in a triangle, all sorts of relationships can develop and situations arise. When two are talking, a third may interrupt them in an attempt to draw attention to themselves. If disagreements arise between two members of the triangle, one of them can call on a third as an ally. Thus, the triangle changes, - someone else is always on the sidelines.
Can you recall a recent time when you were in an observer position with respect to two other family members? How did you behave? What did you feel? What triangles do you have in your family?
And a family of 5 people has 13 such triangles. The success of family relationships depends on how these triangles are organized. To improve relationships within the triangle, one must recognize the fact that one person cannot give equal attention to two other people at the same time. If you find yourself out of the triangle, say so so that the other members of the triangle can hear you. Prove in practice that being superfluous for you is not a reason for anger, resentment or irritation; problems arise when people begin to think that since they are on the sidelines, it means that they are bad or no one needs them. You just don't know how to appreciate yourself.
To feel good in the triangle, you need to be self-confident and independent. If you are superfluous in a triangle, you need to be able to wait calmly, without being offended, to speak directly and honestly about your feelings and thoughts, not to hide your emotions.
Family ties did not arise immediately, it takes several years, including the period of courtship, but this process sometimes does not end, because the core (married couple) continues to develop and change.
When a family gets together, many different systems begin to function: people, couples, triangles.
The same systems exist in your family, each person perceives them in his own way, a husband in the eyes of his wife may look different than in the eyes of his son. And all these views should form a single whole, regardless of whether family members are aware of it or not. In a dysfunctional family, the ideas of each person are not realized and they prefer to remain silent about them. In a harmonious family, everything is discussed openly and honestly.
In dysfunctional families, when they get together, there is a feeling of disunity, discomfort.
When family members see the complex interweaving of connections on their map and realize how diverse family life is, they experience great relief. Now they understand that they simply cannot always be on top. Well, who is able to control all the systems at the same time? If people recognize the individuality of each, then it becomes easier for them to live, since the need to constantly control each other disappears. Each family member can find their own way to fully participate in family life, but it is important not to be a victim of low self-esteem, as in some families it is generally difficult to maintain one's individuality. The larger the family, the more interacting systems, the more difficult it is to cooperate with each other. This does not mean that large families are always dysfunctional, but here a great burden falls on the shoulders of the parents and, therefore, relations between them become more complicated. In a family of 3 people there are 3 triangles, in a family of 4 people there are twelve triangles, in a family of 5 people there are 30 triangles, and out of 10 people there are 280 triangles. Plus couples. And in one period of time you can hear only a certain number of chapters, no more, otherwise complete chaos arises in your head!
It often happens that the pressure of the family becomes so strong that the spouses cannot express themselves as a person and their relationship begins to deteriorate. At such a moment, many couples drop everything and disperse. They did not feel like individuals in the family, they stopped communicating with friends, they did not take place as parents. And irritable adults cannot properly build a family.
It's not that difficult to become good parents: you just need to have certain skills and share a marital relationship, even if the "can of worms" overflows. If spouses are capable of such changes, then the internal pressure inherent in each family is directed into a creative direction.
Family ties bind all family members in such a way that everyone is dependent on each other. Any family member can be at the epicenter of these interactions. And the question is not how to avoid them, but how to treat them and how to live constructively in such conditions.
For example, if a husband comes home from work, everyone demands his attention, and you can imagine what position he is in, how he is torn between family members. But it is better not just to imagine this situation, but to conduct an experiment, defining each family member's role.
The husband is standing in the middle of the room. Let the wife take him by the right hand, the eldest child by the left, the second by the front, and the third by the back. If there are more children, let them cling to their knees, and so on, until each one clings to the head of the family. Now pull each of them slightly towards you, slowly but persistently, so that everyone feels the fight that has begun. After a few seconds, he will feel torn apart, unhappy and tired. He may even think he is losing his balance. He has such a feeling when at the same time they want too much from him. He cannot remain in the same position for long. He needs to do something. It should iterate over several options:
· The path of humility until it loses all sensitivity at all;
· Having fallen into a stupor, he will await the denouement with indifference. Finally, he will be left alone with the feeling that dad "doesn't care";
· May use force to free himself, while some family members may suffer from blows and shocks;
May fall to the floor, confused and exhausted. Then the family will feel guilty for mistreating him;
· Release by bribery, i.e. Giving various promises that may not be fulfilled, but now they will give him the opportunity to get out of a difficult situation. But at the same time, the distrust of the whole family grows towards him;
Can call for help from others: his mother or father, neighbor or friend. And if it is a skillful, strong, dexterous person, then he will be saved;
He must realize that those who are trying to take possession of him are very necessary and tell them how difficult it is to be in such a position and ask for help, but he must speak directly without any hints.
There are 3 ways to avoid this situation:
· Leave your family and become a hermit;
· So plan communication in the family so that no one dares to approach without prior permission or agreement;
· Do not pay attention to anything and do not worry about anything.
But none of these methods brings satisfaction. And the one who uses them continues to complain about life. It is necessary not to avoid, but to try to resolve such situations: talk to the rest of the family members and ask them for help in this situation. And people always answer the call for help.
There are always times when a person has to endure pain, fight, feel tired, need help, there is nothing special here. All these states become destructive when a person uses them to avoid dependence on others.
Put yourself at the center of family influences. What pressure does each family member put on you? Try to feel this pressure and the torus that you feel.
You can deal with family entanglements through discussion, but it is equally important what happens next: the choice that this person made always has certain consequences and, first of all, affects his reputation in the eyes of other family members.
If we imagine all the ties in the family in the form of ropes that are stretched from each family member to another, then one can easily see what will happen when they interact.
Let's look at the lines of the family map that represent the relationship of love - care - duty - comfort that exist between people in the family. It is easy to see that it costs nothing to break this system. And to prevent this from happening, we must learn to recognize the right of everyone to a better life.
If the ropes between husband and wife are stretched, the same happens with the ropes connecting the parents and each of the children.
But now the time has come when one of the family members decides to leave her. Let it be the marriage of one of the children. What happens to this person's connections? Do the parents give their rope ends to him and let him go? Or, having untied the rope, you still leave it to yourself as a memory of a small child. But now it's an adult.
And what does the former child do? After all, it is necessary that not only the parents let him go by untying their ropes, but he must also let them go.
Often there is a situation when major changes occur simultaneously with several family members. There is a "normal group crisis of the parent." Everything in the family is interconnected. And it is not so rare that a woman is pregnant with her third child, the first child has just started kindergarten, the second has barely begun to speak, and the father has recently returned home from military service.
Suppose that in a year the following changes will occur in a certain family:
The older child needs to choose an independent path (graduated from school)
Daughter has first suitors
The mother is approaching menopause
· The father tries to reconsider the past dreams of youth.
As everyone goes through these deep but natural crises, conflicts and tensions within the family may intensify. In such a situation, someone in the family can, for a while, sort of move out of the spotlight. Everyone feels overwhelmed, and for a while the family can turn into a group of strangers.
These events set the stage for the emergence of misunderstandings and "traps" in the family relationship.
And although all such situations reflect the need for individual development, they are often perceived differently by other family members.
There are stages that a family must go through as each member of the family grows. All of them are accompanied by crises and increased anxiety, and therefore a preparatory period and subsequent redistribution of forces are required.
1. Conception, pregnancy, childbirth;
2. The beginning of the child's development of human speech. Few people know how serious preparation is needed in this case;
3. The child builds relationships with the external environment, most often this happens at school. Elements of another world penetrate into the family, new for both the parents and the child. Teachers usually play the same role in education, and this also requires adaptation from parents and the child;
4. The child enters adolescence;
5. The child becomes an adult and leaves the house in search of independence and independence. This is often felt by parents as a loss;
6. Young people get married, and daughters-in-law and sons-in-law enter the family;
7. Menopause occurs in a woman's life;
8. Reduced sexual activity in men. This problem is not physiological, but psychological;
9. Parents become grandparents;
10. One of the spouses dies, and then the second.
The family is the only social group that has adapted to so many changing events in such a small living space and in such a short time. When 3 or 4 of these crises occur at the same time, then life really becomes tense and more disturbing than usual. But, if you understand what is happening in your family, you can calm down and relax a little, and looking around, clearly imagine in which direction these changes should be made. You are mistaken if you consider these crises to be pathological, they are natural processes experienced by most people.
The idea of family ties, a deeper understanding of the roles of each allows us to understand the causes of conflicts. The role played by each member of the family reflects only part of the relationship, and their nature is definitely limited.
Each member of the family should have a living space, he really needs it.
Each member of the family influences the others and is himself influenced by others. This means that everyone takes part and contributes to what happens to other people, and accordingly can help him change.
Each member of the family may be at the center of influences from other family members, because each is included in the chain of relationships with each other. It is important not to avoid these influences, but to learn how to manage them.
Because the family develops all the time, then the new arises on the basis of what has been created. We find ourselves on top of what has been built before, so it is necessary to know the past well in order to understand the present.
Remember: each family member has at least 3 roles in family life.
Family engineering is slightly different from any other kind of engineering. At seven, as in an enterprise, certain conditions are required to do a certain job. In order to build something, you must first find out what resources you have, compare them with your needs and determine the best ways to achieve the desired result. Having thought everything through, you will find out what you still lack, and you will look for what is missing. This process is called family engineering.
One of the many common complaints from family members is that they have too much work to do, too many responsibilities, and very little time to complete them. To make the family burden not so heavy, you need to look for more effective ways to do household chores. Pay close attention to how you work around the house.
From time to time, the responsibilities of each family member need to be reassessed. This needs to be done more often, because a person becomes older, smarter and more experienced, and the established procedures become outdated and do not correspond to the real state of affairs.
Most people willingly help each other, but not under duress or duress.
Children, even small ones, can actively participate in housework.
In some families, it is necessary to divide responsibilities into male and female. In fact, there are very few strictly separated household chores.
Thus, most often, many opportunities of family members remain unused. Children are considered "too small" and their abilities are never given a chance to manifest. As a result, the burden on some family members is very heavy, and children do not acquire the necessary household skills. Children need to be encouraged for their desire to help their parents. One of the few human experiences is the ability to be creative. And you won't be able to know how talented your kids are until you give them the opportunity to prove themselves in business. It is necessary to clearly consider the responsibilities of everyone, even the smallest family members.
Housework is perceived as something unpleasant, imposed, but it is very important and constitutes the main part of family affairs. The people on whose shoulders it rests should be given special attention.
Sit down all together and make a list of those things that need to be done to create family comfort and well-being. The list should include absolutely everything (laundry, ironing, cleaning, etc.). Now look at the list of how those things are done. Perhaps you will discover something new for yourself. Maybe find out that not all things are done or some things are done in a hurry, it’s bad that one person has too much work and the other too little. If this is the case, then it is not scary that one of you feels left out or offended.
Now you need to think over a plan of action and choose the most suitable case for each individual person. This moment can be the most difficult. How to decide who, when and how should or can better perform this or that duty? You can use various methods:
1. Order. Parents use their power and authority to tell them what to do. "It must be done like this, and that's it!" It should be approached with great care. But if you still took advantage of it, try to control the situation, otherwise discontent and a “revolt on the ship” await you.
3. Expediency method.
All these methods must be used, taking into account the specific situation, time and state of affairs. But in any case, one must count on the fact that everyone will definitely fulfill their promises. And this, in turn, will teach everyone to be responsible for their actions.
If you always use only one method, then family members are tied hand and foot. This leads to a well-known situation in which overt or covert conflict is brewing.
Parents must be able to say yes or no firmly, but also to ask from time to time what the child wants to do, and have special insight to feel the situation in which they must allow the child to decide everything for himself.
There are families where parents do not make any decisions individually, leaving the choice to the children. In other families, no one manages anything at all. There are families where parental power reigns supreme.
A varied and constant change of housework contributes to the fact that homework becomes not so tedious and difficult. Children should be encouraged to help. A child's self-esteem will suffer if they often say: "This is bad, sloppy done."
Another difficulty is that a plan once conceived cannot remain in force forever. Any plans need to be revised, because. become obsolete. All plans must contain precise deadlines for their implementation.
While the child is small, he must often be picked up, and as soon as he learns to walk on his own, his independence must be encouraged, he must learn to serve himself and help others. It is important here to avoid distortions. When a child is just starting to walk, he does everything slower than we would like. You are tempted to pick up the baby in your arms and carry it yourself.
Many children say that adults often make them do dirty work. And leave yourself a pleasant one. If so, then this situation should be changed as soon as possible. Your efforts will not be in vain. No matter how tedious homework is, everyone can do it with pleasure if they approach the matter creatively, with humor. But it is unnecessary to demand that the one doing boring work look happy and cheerful at the same time.
You need to be flexible and imaginative. You need to go through a thorny path of trial and error until everyone feels like a worthy participant in the common cause. Each person needs to feel that he is needed, that he is respected, that there is his share in family well-being. A child who actively participates in the life of the family feels that his contribution is appreciated, that he is considered by the surrounding adults, and those who need help will certainly turn to him.
Now we need to talk about "family time". We work, we go to school, we are busy with other things that take up time from the family. How much time does each of you give to your family? How much time is spent on homework?
In some families, most of the time is spent on household chores and family members do not have time to enjoy each other. In this case, family members feel that - the family is a place where they are pressured, loaded with work. In this case, family engineering requires revision.
Look back at your to-do list and ask yourself two questions. Is this work really necessary? If so, can such work be done efficiently? Maybe this work is not necessary, then it would be wiser not to do it at all.
This brings us to the question of priorities. If almost all attention goes to homework, and not enough to communication, you need to decide what is more important to you?
You need to start from the most important. Choose the types of work that are vital for your family. Then, if time allows, you can do everything else. All cases are divided into two categories urgent and those that can be done later. If more than 5 cases fall into the urgent category, this is a lot.
How do you spend your family time? How much time do you communicate with each other? Does this communication give you pleasure?
It is bad when communication does not bring joy. There are families where, even after doing all the work, its members rarely spend time together and look tired and indifferent in each other's eyes.
Every person has the right to be alone. But many complain that they do not have enough time for themselves, and if the mother wants to be alone, then in this case she feels guilty. It seems to her that in this case she is taking something away from the family.
Family time can be divided into 3 parts:
1. Personal time when you can be alone.
2. Time to communicate with each other.
3. Group time when the family gets together.
And it is very important that every member of the family can use every piece of time every day. To do this, you need to want and think about how to do it. Due to the many activities outside the family, we do not always manage to spend time usefully for her.
Sometimes the use of free time does not depend on a number of external circumstances: the nature of the work (a day on duty, a day of rest). Such people must organize their own time in order to take a proper part in the life of the family.
There are families where one of the parents is absent for a long time (business trips, tours).
The larger the family, the more difficult the distribution of household chores.
Let everyone follow where he is at a certain time during 2 days - a weekday and a weekend. Divide a sheet of paper by hour, starting from the moment the first family member gets up. From bed, and continuing until the last one goes to bed. Let everyone mark where he was in a given period of time. Then have a family member pull the data together and visualize the others how much social time each family member has.
It is very rare to find families where family members would gather together for more than 20 minutes. But more often, general meetings happen once a week. Misunderstandings are possible if one of the family members is not present at the family meeting, so he must be told everything. Everyone should be aware of family affairs and in this way we will save loved ones from excuses like “I didn’t know” and “You always decide to back her up.” If family members do not trust each other, then it is better to discuss all matters in the presence of everyone, at least until the atmosphere changes.
If not all family members attend general meetings and you have little time to communicate with each other, then you need to maintain contact through a third party. The only problem here is that most people forget that they only hear someone else's opinion and accept it as fact. In this case, the game "damaged phone" appears. Families often play this game. This happens when families do not use "group time" to discuss family issues. This is the most common type of communication in dysfunctional families. Nothing can replace your own perception of those events that you hear with your ears and see with your own eyes. The type of communication adopted in the family strongly influences family engineering. The presence of "group time" does not guarantee family well-being. What do you do when you are going to a place? What are you talking about? Does your conversation consist mostly of rebuking others or pointing out the right thing to do? Is time wasted listening to endless complaints from one of you? Or maybe silence reigns in the council? Or do you not speak at all? Or are you fidgeting in your chairs, waiting for the right opportunity to leave?
Maybe you use this time to get to know each other better, to understand what is happening now in everyone's life and how was everyone's day today? Maybe at this time a person rejoices and reflects, shares his failures, pain, insults, and the rest listen to him attentively? Do you talk about your new plans, problems, etc.
Some families understand that every day the family, as a group, goes through processes of disintegration and rebuilding. We break up and then meet. When family members separate, they live their own lives. Gathering together at the end of the day, they get the opportunity to exchange impressions about what is happening in the "outside world" and take a fresh look at each other.
Basically, the whole life of the family consists of fragmentary contacts between family members. The connection between close people is lost. Alienation occurs, as a result, they feel as if isolated from each other.
Family members in crisis begin to realize that although they live in the same house, there is no warm human relationship between them. It will be useful to get together once a day for friendly communication. Given our hectic lives, such meetings should be scheduled. You don't have to let them run wild.
Family members live in a world of illusion rather than reality. This leads to misconceptions about what really happens in the family. Drawing up a schedule of "time of presence" is the first step towards understanding what is fiction in your family and what is reality.
Another important aspect for the implementation of family engineering is the sense of time for each person. For example, when you are waiting for something, time goes slowly, when you are busy with something interesting, it flies quickly. Perception of real time does not always coincide with individual perception. The perception of time by each member of the family depends on the general atmosphere prevailing in the house. It is connected with the ability to organize your life. Different timing is the basis for fulfilling promises and intentions. Many people have conflicts if one of them is constantly late for a meeting. This often leads to the conclusion that he does not respect the other, does not always happen, is correct in his assessments. Although sometimes this is evidence that everyone perceives and plans time differently. Children often get caught for being late. In most families, they try to solve this issue with punishment, not clarification. Children do not know how to organize time, they comprehend this wisdom for quite a long time. Learning to plan time is a difficult task. Many adults experience difficulties here, what to say about children.
We are constantly faced with a process of constant selection and planning of today's affairs. How do we get the most urgent things done? Can we take into account possible accidents? Or are transport delays inevitable? etc. We must have a very good idea of how today will turn out, if at 8 in the morning we can confidently tell ourselves and others that at a certain time we will be at the appointed place.
If people realize how important it is to plan time, then there will be more understanding and less conflict between them. As a rule, in most families, children have a rigid time schedule that is difficult to follow even for an adult.
The perception of time in a person depends on the level of reflection, motives, knowledge and interests. These factors are individual for everyone. Getting to know how a person uses their time is an important aspect of any relationship - after all, no two people can manage their time in the same way. If the daily routine is perceived as a desirable guide to action and taken seriously, then we will be a little closer to solving the problem. You need to make every effort to plan your time. When all this is done, you can safely do your business. But if the plans cannot be implemented and you are unable to change the circumstances, then you should not blame yourself for what happened.
We do not always understand how powerful the clock is over our lives. Instead of being our helpers, they often become our masters. Our attitude to time affects the successful completion of the tasks that we set for ourselves.
It rarely happens that 2 people at the same time would like the same thing. When people understand that they can be in different states at different times, they look for compromise options. Instead of being offended at each other, they try to negotiate and come to some kind of agreement. It can not always express the interests and desires of everyone, but there is an opportunity to satisfy both sides in some way. The belief that the desires of 2 people are not roughly the same can lead to emotional unpredictable outbursts. It is impossible for two people to feel the same at the same time. And if we demand from others that they want the same as we do, then there is a threat of serious conflicts. If we delve into what others want, tell about our desires and try to reach an agreement together, take into account the real situation of each, then as a result we will be lucky.
Often we hear complaints that someone took our things and did not put them in their place. It is important to be able to manage things and decide for yourself how and when others can use them. In this way, you will always feel that those around you are considered. If a person has a well-developed sense of self-esteem, then he is not afraid to share his things with others. If a child does not have the right to privacy and possession of property, then conflicts arise in the family.
Family engineering aims to make family life better.
The main connecting thread of all family engineering is an effective and accessible information system created in an atmosphere of trust and humane attitude towards each other.
To make it all clearer, you can start a "family thermometer". To do this, it is necessary to express in words those important problems for each of us that we rarely discuss. You can call them "topics for discussion":
2. Negative manifestations(complaints, worries, anxieties, etc.). Those who like to grumble accompany your complaints with specific proposals about how and what to change so that life's discomfort disappears. Then ask those around you to help you make those changes.
3. Difficulties of collective communication. Often problems arise because people misunderstand what is said or what is happening. Everything must be properly understood. Only then can success be achieved.
4. New information coming from outside. It appears as a result of communication of family members with the outside world and among themselves.
5. Hopes and desires. Do not forbid yourself to tell about your hopes and desires, fearing that they will not come true. People who love you can help you. You, too, try to help them when they share their dreams. Alone, there is little we can do.
On the "thermometer", which measures the temperature in our family, 5 indicators are indicated (see above). Make a big "thermometer" with these 5 indicators, put it in the room where your whole family gathers, and mark the "temperature" indicators.
Regular discussions of pressing problems will strengthen trust, increase the self-esteem of everyone, and help to get to know each other better. As a result, you will become closer to each other.
“We choose our friends ourselves, but we get relatives.” Relatives exist in our lives, whether we want it or not, forming part of a kindred clan. If you like them, then you treat them as close people and communication is a pleasure.
Often we get to know them after we heard someone's opinion about them, often unflattering. Sometimes parents give direct instructions to children how to behave with this or that family member. It can be understood that in this way they acquire a one-sided view of their relatives. The child sees them through the eyes of his parents, and this prevents him from developing a personal attitude towards them.
Relations between relatives are built very difficult. Sometimes they turn into a real war, in other cases, relatives simply avoid each other. Sometimes people try to convince everyone that they do not interfere in intra-family relations. Sometimes people not only do not respect the individual characteristics of adult family members, but also do not take into account that each of them has its own positive and negative qualities.
Husbands and wives make the same mistake about their parents, calling them old people. One has only to put a label on a person, how it is quite easy to perceive him as a person. Such labels form the atmosphere that reigns in relations between relatives. The conflict of generations exists between parents and grandparents, between parents and children. The conflict of generations is that circle of problems, in relation to which a single view has not yet been developed, mutual understanding has not been reached.
When spouses can establish equal relations with their parents, both of them will feel like full-fledged people. Everyone will see in the other a unique amazing personality. They will be able to respect the life of each family member, rejoice in each other's successes, and try to overcome the difficulties that arise together.
All roles: husband, wife, child, grandmother, grandfather, etc. These are not roles that all people play during their lives. In this case, 2 main points must be taken into account:
1. What kind of relationship does a person have with other people;
2. What should he do in accordance with the role assigned to him in the family.
Who meets at the meeting of 2 relatives? People or roles? Roles are unambiguously defined and stereotyped, while people are multifaceted and humane. While this difference is quite obvious, in many cases the roles and people get mixed up. Behind every role is a person who plays that role. Roles are like different clothes or hats worn depending on the weather.
When husband and wife are together, they play the roles of husband and wife with each other; when they are with their children, they play the role of parents, and so on. But there are people who always play only one role: for example, the role of grandfather, while the roles of father-in-law, husband, etc. somehow fade into the background. Sometimes old people are called only "grandmother" or "grandfather" "forgetting that they have a name, which means they forget about them as a person, remembering only their role. There will be no respect and cooperation.
Any role is quite conditional. Why shouldn't a person be himself and do what he wants, no matter who he is: aunt, uncle, cousin, parent? First of all, he is human. There is no universal maternal, matrimonial style of behavior. To live, always playing some role, means to constantly destroy the personality in oneself. To live feeling like a person means to feel the fullness of being and to be able to adapt in any situation.
Family members think they know each other well, but in such cases, more often than not, people turn out to be complete strangers to each other. What they take to be a manifestation of personality is actually role behavior.
To avoid this, family members should just really get to know each other, see each of his individuality. It is necessary from time to time, as if anew and quite consciously, to look at each other. This is very difficult, because everyone is convinced that they know people who are related to them by blood or legal ties very well. It's not very common to share your really deep feelings with those you know well.
Family members become so accustomed to one of their roles that it is difficult to understand where the role is and where the person is. Most of the problems between seniors and juniors are due to the fact that seniors get used to the role of old people. They themselves and everyone around them forgot that they also have a heart and soul, that they still need love and care, that they also need to feel the meaning of life.
What we see the meaning of life, as well as dreams, determines our daily actions. Personal development continues until death. And if we directed our efforts to always be harmonious, full-fledged people, the problem of age would be solved.
Family traditions and rituals, like unchanging roles, can also be a burden if treated as a burden rather than a shared joy. They reflect the lifestyle of the family. Some rituals exist to emphasize the family's belonging to a particular clan. The ritual does not always provide for the exemplary presence of all births. But even in those families where the presence of everyone is mandatory, very big problems and troubles are possible. It is possible to completely spoil the pleasure of Christmas if it is necessary to be present at the same time with the parents of the husband and wives. Getting into such situations, young couples get real stress: they feel pressure from both sides and at the same time want to spend the holiday in their own way. If they decide to act at their own discretion, then they often expect trouble. But even this can be gradually settled, even if at first these changes are met with hostility.
Adults have many problems if they maintain a "parent-child" relationship with their own parents. They are difficult to change. Between two generations, relations of equality should arise, in which each family member respects, first of all, the personality of the other person and can always come to the rescue if it is required. In this situation, it will be easier to raise your own children.
It happens differently: elderly parents ask to get rid of the dictatorship of adult children. And some children are surprised to learn that their parents are unwilling to follow their advice.
Many traps are fraught with the need we realize to “brighten up the loneliness” of someone who, in our opinion, is lonely. Feeling at home can turn into a burdensome duty. When you courageously sit out the time of the visit or advise a lonely person to do something (it can be a mother or father, or one of the relatives), and then you are upset that he does not want to do anything. Many people do this, and then pay for it with irritation and guilt towards loved ones.
There is a problem of assistance. Many weak and sick people need the support of their children. How can 2 people help each other or accept help and at the same time feel equal. It happens that these attempts lead everyone into a betrothal trap and end in extortion: “he must help me, I am so weak,” etc.
Such relationships can arise between people who have not gained independence and in communication with each other tend to lead each other, and not cooperate.
If you look at modern families, you can see hundreds of examples of blackmail and extortion, covered by helplessness or willingness to help. Parents only feel comfortable when their children appreciate them, take care of them, love them, and do not squeeze them into a vise with their attention. The same is true for children.
Of course, sometimes people really need help. But much more often it turns into a simple means of manipulation.
Change will happen, but not as fast as you would like. Not everyone can treat each other equally well. But many will be able to live and cooperate in a new way if everyone feels that no one wants to force you to love what you do not like. In addition, the character may change from time to time.
It is very easy to transfer some of your own problems to another person, and then assure him of the correctness of your opinion, so that once again you yourself will be affirmed in it. Many family troubles arise precisely as a result of this.
Quite different problems arise when the older generation assumes only the role of assistants. If they do not want to do this, then cracks can begin. Sometimes adult children simply exploit their parents. In this case, the elders are forced to limit themselves to the roles of grandparents only.
There is nothing wrong with helping each other, but the decision about it should be taken by the one consent of both parties and with the opinion of the capabilities of each. A statement like, “You have to do this because you are my mother,” the mutual contract for help is replaced by violence and control. Most often the victims are children. Some family members blackmail each other, hiding behind love and family relationships. For the same reason, resentment arises.
There is nothing surprising in the fact that the happiness of a full-fledged family in our time has become the lot of a few. The science of building a family is forgotten. It's like with ancient crafts. For example, the Aztec tribes once knew how to build walls from huge stones. Now no one can lift such stones with anything, therefore no one manages to build such walls. The rules for building a family are also forgotten.
The difference between a family and ancient crafts is that a stone wall can be replaced with a concrete one. Though not so long, but it will serve. But there is nothing to replace the family. Few can be happy being alone. Other forms of the union of two people have shown that they are not suitable for a traditional family.
The family has huge advantages over all other forms of arranging love relationships: the ability of all family members to be happy, the ability to keep love indefinitely for a long time, the ability to raise children as full-fledged, harmonious personalities.
Why are we talking about the possibility - because a person is free to destroy any of his work. But at least in the family there is a chance to achieve all these benefits, the highest benefits available to a person. And in such forms of relations as “guest marriage”, “civil marriage”, homosexual “marriage”, the chances are a thousand times less.
To create a family, you need to know how to build it. This is big, serious science. In this chapter, we will consider only some of the fundamental points of the art of building a family.
The main goal of family life
If you ask young people who are not yet married what the purpose of starting a family is, most likely they will answer something like this: “Well, what is the purpose? Two people love each other and want to be together!”
Basically, the answer is good. The only problem is that there is a long distance from “want to be together” to “to be able to be together”. If you start a family with the sole purpose of "being together", a moment that is shown in many films is almost inevitable. He and she lie in the same bed, she sleeps, and he thinks. And now, looking at the body sleeping next to him, he is surprised: “What is this person completely alien to me doing here? Why do I live with him? And can't find answers. That moment may come after ten years of marriage, or sooner, but it will come. The question "WHY?" will rise to its full, enormous height. But it will be too late. This question should have been asked before.
Imagine you have a friend. This person is of interest to you. You invite him to go on a journey with you. If he agrees, naturally, you will set yourself the goal of the trip - among the different places where you can go, you will choose for yourself the one that, in the eyes of the two of you, is attractive.
It happens that people are so good with each other that they are ready to board any plane, ship or train that comes along. And it's wonderful in its own way. But what are the chances that this plane, steamship, or train will take you to as good a place as you can consciously map out? Maybe you will come to some bandit land, where your friend will simply be killed, and you will be left alone? After all, real life, unlike the dreamy one, is full of dangers.
Family life is also like traveling. How can you go into it without setting any goal? Not only should there be a goal, it must be high enough, significant, so that you can go towards this goal all your life. Otherwise, you will reach this goal after a certain number of years - and automatically your journey together will end. Whether after that you will be able to come up with a new goal and whether this person will agree to go with you on a new journey is another question.
For this reason, another common goal of family life - to give birth and raise children - cannot be the main one either. You will give birth to children, raise them, and as soon as they become adults, your marriage is over. He has fulfilled his function. It can end in divorce or continue to exist like a living corpse... A real family, thanks to the right goal, never becomes a corpse.
The purpose of the journey is absolutely necessary and for another reason. Until you determine the purpose of the trip, you will not understand what qualities your companion should have. If you are traveling, say, for the purpose of a beach holiday, a person with the same talents and skills will suit you. If on a road trip through ancient cities - with others. If you go hiking in the mountains - the third. Otherwise, you will be bored on the beach, while traveling around the cities there will be no one to drive a car, and in the mountains with an unreliable comrade you can even die.
Without knowing what the purpose of family life is, you will not be able to properly assess the prospective partner. How good is he in order to go along with him exactly the path that is planned? “Like” is an absolutely necessary, but far from sufficient quality of the chosen one. How many disappointments, broken lives because of the false belief that in a relationship of love reason is an ugly atavism! On the contrary: without using reason, you cannot save love.
So, what is the purpose of making a family real?
The ultimate goal of the family is love.
Yes, family is a school of love. In a real family, love grows from year to year. Thus, the family is an institution ideally suited for people to achieve their true, only true meaning of life - to achieve perfect love.
As we have already said, according to a number of psychologists, love begins after 10-15 years of married life. Let's not take these figures too seriously, because all people are different, and measuring love is not so easy. The meaning of these figures is that love is achieved in the family, and not immediately.
As Mikhail Prishvin said, “Real life is the life of a person in connection with his loved ones: alone, a person is a criminal, either towards the intellect, or towards the bestial instinct.” Simplifying, a man alone is almost always an egoist. He only has the ability to take care of himself. Living in close contact with other people forces him to think about others, sometimes to give up his own interests for the interests of those who are nearby. And the closest communication is between spouses. We get to know a person very closely, with all his shortcomings, and despite his shortcomings, we try to continue to love him. Moreover, we strive to love him as ourselves and generally overcome the division into “I” and “you”, having learned to think from the position of “we”. To do this, we have to overcome our egoism, our shortcomings.
The ancient sage said: "One does not argue with those who deny the foundations." When spouses have one goal, it is much easier for them to agree with each other: they have a single basis. And what a base! If the measure of all our great and small deeds is whether we act out of love or not, and whether our deed leads to an increase or decrease in love, we act really beautifully and wisely.
When we begin to understand things correctly, we find that the world is whole, beautiful and harmonious: the purpose of the family is fully consistent with the purpose of human life! This means that the family was invented in order to help a person achieve his main goal. God divided people into men and women so that it would be easier for us to love each other.
A family consists of two adults
Only two adult, independent people can form a family. One of the indicators of adulthood is the overcoming of dependence on parents, separation from them.
This is not only about material dependence, but, above all, about psychological. If at least one of the spouses continues to be emotionally dependent on one of the parents, it is not possible to create a full-fledged family. Especially big problems arise for the sons and daughters of single mothers: single mothers often establish a strong, painful bond with their children and do not want to let go of their child even when he has already registered his marriage.
Basic functions of the family
To love and be loved is a basic human need. And it is easiest to implement it in the family. But for the well-being of the family, it is necessary that the other needs of the spouses, the fulfillment of which relates to the functions of the family, be realized. The functions of the family, which is quite obvious, include such tasks as the birth and upbringing of children, the satisfaction of the material needs of the family (home, food, clothing), the solution of household tasks (repair, laundry, cleaning, shopping for food, cooking, etc. .), and also, less obviously, communication, emotional support for each other, leisure.
It happens that, while focusing on some of the functions of the family, the spouses lose sight of the rest of the functions. This leads to imbalance and problems. After all, even such a seemingly secondary function of the family as leisure, is of considerable importance, since it helps to replenish the "energy" balance of the family. A family in which everyone is constantly busy with the performance of material and household functions, and perform these functions excellently, but do not relax together, may encounter unexpected problems.
Many Western researchers say that the most important thing to maintain a relationship is communication- the ability of two people to talk heart to heart with each other, sincerely and with confidence to express their feelings and listen carefully to the other. “One of the indicators of a healthy relationship is the emergence of a large number of insignificant phrases that only make sense to spouses,” says Josh McDowell, author of the acclaimed book Secrets of Love. Oddly enough, the cause of adultery on the part of women is often their dissatisfaction with not the physiological side of marriage, but precisely the lack of communication with her husband, insufficient emotional closeness.
emotional support is a type of communication that performs a separate function. We all need emotional support, comfort, approval from time to time. It is generally accepted that only women need a “strong shoulder” of a man, a “stone wall”. In fact, the husband no less needs the psychological support of his wife. But the support that men and women need is somewhat different. This topic is very well and in detail disclosed in the book by John Gray "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus."
The role of sex in family life
In "easy" relationships, sex is just a physiological pleasure caused by the stimulation of erogenous zones.
Sex in a real marriage is an expression of love, a union not only of two bodies, but at some level of souls. The sex of loving people in marriage is spiritually beautiful, it is like a prayer, a prayer of gratitude to God and a prayer for each other. The pleasure of sex in an "easy" relationship is nothing compared to the pleasure of marriage.
But the mere fact of registering a marriage does not guarantee that the couple will fully receive this pleasure. If people before legal marriage “practiced” in irresponsible sex for a long time, and not always with loved ones, they have fixed certain skills, these people are used to the fact that sex is a very definite thing. Will they be able to reorganize themselves internally, discover new heights of this pleasure? The longer they cohabited outside of marriage, the less likely it is.
The unity of loving people is not only a physiological process, but also a spiritual one. Therefore, the role of physiology here is not as great as in premarital "sport". The myth that sexual compatibility is one of the fundamental points for creating a family was not born by sexologists. Experienced and honest sexologists, who are not concerned with proving the importance of their own profession, put sexual compatibility in its proper place. Here is what sexologist Vladimir Fridman says:
“We must not confuse cause with effect. Harmonious sex is a consequence of true love. Loving spouses almost always (in the absence of diseases and the availability of relevant knowledge) can and should achieve harmony in bed.
Moreover, only mutual feelings can keep satisfaction in sex for many years. Love is not a consequence, but the cause (the main condition) of intimate satisfaction. The desire to give rather than receive drives her. And vice versa, “love”, born of enchanting sex, most often a short-lived chimera, is one of the main reasons for the destruction of those families where spouses have not learned to give each other real physiological satisfaction.
On the other hand, intimate harmony nourishes love, one who does not understand this can lose everything. The pursuit of orgasm outside of marriage without deep feelings gives rise to sexual dependency, when partners want only to have fun.
Giving, not receiving, is the main slogan of love!
One can argue for a long time about the magnitude of the power of sexual desire given to each. Indeed, there are people with a weak, medium and strong sexual constitution. It’s easier if the needs and opportunities in the family coincide, and if not, only love can help reach a reasonable compromise.”
Saul Gordon, psychologist and director of the Institute for the Study of Family and Education, says that, according to his research, sex ranks only ninth among the ten most important aspects of relationships, far behind such traits as caring, communication, and a sense of humor. Love takes the first place.
American psychologists also calculated that spouses spend less than 0.1% of the time in a state of sexual games. That is less than one thousandth!
Intimacy in family life is a precious expression of love, but not the only expression, and moreover, not the main one. Without a complete match of all physiological parameters, a family can be full-fledged, happy. Without love, no. Therefore, to arrange premarital checks for sexual incompatibility means to lose more for the sake of less. It is natural to desire sex with a loved one before marriage, but truly loving behavior will wait until marriage.
When does a family start?
There are different situations in life ... And yet, for most people, the family begins from the moment of its state registration.
State registration has two useful aspects. First, legal recognition of your marriage. This removes important questions about the paternity of children, jointly acquired property, and inheritance.
The second aspect is perhaps even more important. This is your official, public, verbal and written consent to be husband and wife to each other.
We often underestimate the power of the words we speak. We think: "The dog barks - the wind carries." But in fact: "The word is not a sparrow, it will fly out - you won't catch it." And “What is written with a pen cannot be cut down with an axe.”
How, throughout the history of mankind, have people consolidated mutual obligations? A promise, a word, a mutual agreement. The word is a form of expression of thought. Thought, as you know, is material. Thought has power. A promise made even to oneself, especially in writing, is already showing its strength. For example, if you make a promise to yourself not to repeat a certain bad habit of yours, it will be much easier not to repeat it. There will be a barrier before its repetition. And if we do not fulfill the promise, the feeling of guilt will be much stronger.
A solemn, public, oral and written oath of two has great power. There is nothing loud in the words spoken during registration, but if you think about it, these are very serious words.
If, for example, we were asked during registration: “Do you agree, Tatyana, to spend the night with Ivan in the same bed and enjoy it together until you get tired of it”? Then, of course, there would be nothing terrible in this obligation.
But they ask us if we agree to take each other as wives (husbands)! This is a great thing!
Imagine you came to sign up for the sports section. And there they tell you: “We have a serious sports club, we work for the result. We will accept you only if you make a written commitment to take at least third place at the World Championships or the Olympics.” Perhaps you, before signing, think about how hard and long you have to work to achieve such a result.
The obligation to be a wife (husband), and not some ideal person, but this one, alive, with flaws, means in fact that we take on even more work than that which makes people champions. But our reward will be immeasurably more pleasant than the golden round and glory ...
The modern wedding ceremony was composed a hundred years ago by the communists as a replacement for the sacrament of the wedding of the Church they were destroying. And what was in the arsenal of the communists that would correspond to love? Never mind. Therefore, this whole ceremony, its standard phrases really look miserable and sometimes funny. One of my friends was a witness at the wedding. The receptionist says, "Young people, come forward." My friend later told me: “Well, I don’t consider myself old” ... And so the three of us went forward ...
But behind all these funny, stupid or boring moments, you need to see the essence of registering a marriage, which strengthens the strength and determination of loving people to really be together all their lives and puts up barriers to the temptation to betray that may arise in the future.
These barriers are surmountable. But still, they help us to get the better of our weaknesses.
What is a wedding
Couples whose marriage has already been registered by the state are allowed to get married in the Orthodox Church. This is due to the fact that until 1917 the Church also had obligations related to the registration of births, marriages, and deaths. Since now the registration function has been transferred to the registry offices, in order to avoid confusion, in the interests of those who are getting married, the Church asks them for a marriage certificate.
The wedding has that beauty, that grandeur, which state registration is deprived of. But if you want to get married just for the sake of this external beauty, I think it's better not to do it. Perhaps, over time, you will become more aware of what a wedding is, and then you will be able to get married for real, consciously. After all, this is not an external procedure, but something that requires your mental and spiritual participation.
I can hardly reveal even a small part of the significance that a wedding has. I will only mention a few points briefly.
Unlike the state, the Church gives priority to love and marriage. Therefore, the sacrament of marriage is so solemn and majestic. This is indeed a great joy for all the members of the Church present.
Normally, those who get married are virgins. Therefore, the Church honors their feat of abstinence and, as conquerors over their passions, crowns them with royal crowns. Who lives by passions is a slave. Whoever conquers passions is the king of himself and his life. The white dress and veil emphasize the purity of the bride.
But at the same time, the Church understands what a difficult undertaking marriage is. The Church is aware of visible and, most importantly, invisible forces that will seek to destroy this marriage. No wonder the Russian proverb warns: “When going to war, pray; going to the sea, pray twice; if you want to get married, pray three times.” And possessing the power that alone can resist the forces of invisible evil, the Church in the sacrament of marriage gives those who are married God's blessing on their marriage as a force that will strengthen and protect their love. This marriage is truly made in heaven. That is why the wedding is not a rite, but a Sacrament, that is, a mystery and a miracle.
In the words of the prayers read during the wedding, the Church wishes the spouses such great blessings that even the closest relatives will not wish them at the wedding.
The Church believes that marriage is something that goes beyond death. In Paradise, people do not live a married life, but some connection, some closeness between husband and wife can remain there.
To get married, you need to be baptized, believe in God, trust the Church. And great happiness for those who are getting married if they have many believing friends who can pray for them.
What is the difference between the roles of husband and wife in marriage?
A man and a woman are not the same by nature, so it is natural that the roles of husband and wife in marriage are also different. The world we live in is not chaotic. This world is harmonious and hierarchical, and therefore the family - the most ancient of all human institutions - also lives in accordance with certain laws, a certain hierarchy.
There is a good Russian proverb: “The husband is the shepherd to the wife, the wife is the plaster to the husband.” Normally, the husband is the head of the family, the wife is his assistant. The woman feeds the family with her emotions, the husband calms the excess of emotions with his world. The husband is the front, the wife is the rear. The man is responsible for the interaction of the family with the outside world, that is, he provides the family financially, protects it, the wife supports the husband, takes care of the home. In the upbringing of children, both parents participate equally, in household issues - to the extent possible for each.
This distribution of roles is inherent in human nature. The unwillingness of spouses to play their natural roles, their desire to play the role of another makes people in the family unhappy, leads to material distress, drunkenness, domestic violence, betrayal, mental illness of children, family breakdown. As we can see, no technical progress cancels the operation of moral laws. "Ignorance of the law is not an excuse".
The main problem of the modern family is that the man is gradually losing the role of the head of the family. There are women who, for some reason, do not want to give a man his primacy. There are men who for some reason do not want to take it. If you want to be happy in family life, both parties need to make an effort on themselves so that the man is still the head of the family.
Everyone is free to have his own point of view on this issue, his own passions and can do as he sees fit. But there are facts. And they say that families in which the head is a man practically do not turn to family psychologists: they do not have serious problems. And families in which a woman dominates or fights for power turn to psychologists in huge numbers. And not only the spouses themselves apply, but also their children, who then, due to the mistakes of their parents, cannot arrange their personal lives. On our dating site znakom.realove.ru in the questionnaire of participants there is a question about who was the head of the parents' family. It is significant that the vast majority of women who cannot create a family in any way grew up in families where the mother was the commander-in-chief.
The viability of the family depends on the faithful observance of their roles by husband and wife. The vitality of society depends on the viability of the family. The famous American family psychologist James Dobson writes in his book: “The Western world stands at a great crossroads in its history. In my opinion, our very existence will depend on the presence or absence of male leadership.” Yes, the question is exactly this: to be or not to be. And we are already very close to not being. But each of us himself can determine the fate of his family, to be or not to be a real family. And if we choose to "be", we will contribute to the strengthening of our society, to the power of the country.
There are families in which a clearly strong and organized wife and a weak slob husband. The leadership of the wife is not even disputed. These are families created according to the so-called complementary principle, when people coincide with their shortcomings, like puzzles. I know relatively successful examples of such families, where people live together and, perhaps, will not part. But still, this is constant torment, hidden dissatisfaction on both sides, and considerable psychological problems in children.
I also observed an example of how you can build a healthy family, even if the natural data of the spouses do not match. The wife is a phenomenally strong, domineering, tough and talented person. Her husband is younger than her and by nature much weaker, but kind and intelligent. Both are university professors. The wife fully shows her strength in the professional field, where she has achieved great success (she is a psychologist, her name is known to almost everyone in Russia). In the family, with her husband, she is different. The palm is deliberately given to the husband. The wife "plays the retinue". Children are instilled with respect for their father. The husband's final decision is the law. And thanks to such support from his wife, the husband does not look unworthy of his role, he is the real head of the family. This is not some kind of acting, deception. Simply, being an experienced psychologist, she understands that it is so right. Perhaps this understanding was not easy for her. Her first two marriages failed. They have been together with their current husband for about 40 years, they have three children, the family feels warmth, peace and true love.
In the family, the retinue makes the king not only in outward respect, but also in the most genuine, psychological sense. A wise wife, choosing femininity and weakness, makes her husband more courageous and stronger. Even if the husband is not very worthy of respect, a wise wife tries to respect him for the sake of respect for spiritual laws, which, as she understands, she cannot change. She takes care of the house, that her husband and children feel good in it, and above all, psychologically. She tries to control her emotions. She does not humiliate, does not reproach, does not nag her husband. She consults with him. She does not “climb ahead of the father into hell”, so that both the first and the last word when discussing any issue are hers. She expresses her opinion, but leaves the final decision to her husband. And he does not bully him in cases where his decision was not the most successful.
Husband and wife are two communicating vessels. If the wife with patience and love shows her husband her sincere attitude towards him as the head of the family, he gradually becomes a real head.
Of course, it is necessary for the husband himself to take care of being the head of the family. Do everything you can to provide for the family. Do not be afraid to take decisions in serious matters, and responsibility for these decisions. A husband can also help a woman become more feminine, help her take the place that befits her in the family and in which she will feel like a woman.
The main strength of a man that conquers a woman is calmness, peace of mind. How to cultivate this peace in yourself? Like love, peace of mind grows as passions and bad habits are overcome.
The role of children in family life
Truth is always the golden mean. In relation to children, it is also important to avoid two extremes.
One extreme, especially characteristic of women: children come first, everything else, including the husband, comes second.
A family will remain a family only if the wife and husband always come first for each other. Who at the table should get the best piece? According to the saying of the Soviet era - "All the best for children"? Traditionally, the best piece has always gone to the man. Not only because the task of a man is the material support of the family, and for this he needs a lot of strength, but also as a sign of his seniority. If this is not the case, if the child is taught that he is the king of the family, an egoist grows up, not adapted to life, and to family life in particular. But, what is primary, the relationship between husband and wife suffers. If the wife loves the child more, the husband, as it were, becomes the third superfluous. He then seeks love on the side, and as a result, the family breaks up.
The other extreme: "children are a burden, as long as we can - we will live for ourselves." Children are not a burden, but such a joy that nothing can replace. I am familiar with two large families. One has six children, the other has seven. These are the happiest families I know. Yes, my parents work there. But how much love, joy, warmth!
In a normal family, parents do not "plan" and "regulate" how many children they have. First, many contraceptives work on the abortive principle. That is, they do not prevent conception, but kill an already formed embryo. Secondly, there is something above us that knows better than us how many children we need and when they will be born. Thirdly, the constant struggle for “non-conception” deprives the intimate life of the spouses of the freedom and joy that they have every right to enjoy.
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We continue a series of publications of excerpts from the book of the Greek psychologist Pavel Kyriakidis "Family Relations", the translation of which was made by the nun Ekaterina especially for the Matrona.RU portal. How are roles distributed in the family?
A person lives in a variety of systems (for example, in a social, political, philosophical system, etc.), depends on them, is directly or indirectly influenced by them. But, perhaps, the only system that most directly and significantly affects a person from birth to old age is his so-called
The family is a system of relationships
In a family, not only its members themselves are important, but also the relationships and connections between them. In other words, what matters to the family not only its structure, but also the organization, which depends on the ways in which its members interact. Moreover, not a single phenomenon of family life can be studied and interpreted as a separate element, but always only in relation to the entire system of a particular family.
Family members are usually very interconnected with each other. strong bonds. These connections are much stronger than it might seem at first glance. The influence of the family occurs even after removal from it: a person can leave the family, but this distance will be only “physical”, bodily. In psychological and spiritual terms, he will never leave the family from which he comes from. From a psychosocial point of view, a person throughout his life is part of the family from which he came, as well as the family that he himself created. This succession of generations is called by birth.
One of the distinguishing features of the family as a system is the fact that marriage and family life, of course, place certain restrictions to the freedom of each of the family members, but at the same time, the family, in turn, is responsible to each of its members. It is impossible to be absolutely “autonomous” in a family, since its members are in constant physical, social and psychological interaction, they depend on each other, need each other. At the same time, the family must provide its members, first, personal space in which they would be cozy and comfortable, where they would feel free and could relax and unwind, and secondly, confidence in receiving emotional warmth, protection and support, without which it is difficult for a person to mature and prove himself as a person.
The second most important quality of the family as a system is its dynamism and variability. The family is by nature not static. Any change that happens to one of the family members directly affects all the others. In the same way, the change that has taken place with the whole family as a whole affects each member of the family individually. One of these changes is changing roles family members.
family roles
According to the sociological definition, social role is a set of patterns of behavior that others expect from a person. Each person plays many roles, depending on the social environment in which he lives. From the point of view of sociology, the roles are divided:
- pertaining to "natural status"(gender, age and, in general, everything that relates to the biological essence of a person) and
- those related to "acquired status"(for example, profession, membership in a club, etc.).
By entering into marriage, each person receives a new role, which becomes dominant in relation to those that he had until now. The roles of a son or daughter, closely associated with the parental home, are weakened, because the children have grown up and are now themselves spouses. With the birth of children, it becomes especially important parent role both spouses, which is of great importance for a normal family life.
The family is a system that can only function correctly if each member of the family knows his role well or learns to fulfill the roles that other people expect from him. In the "extended", traditional family, the younger members of the family learn not only their own role, but also the roles of many other family members.
Each person in the family receives identity. He realizes who he is, what other people expect from him, understands what he himself would like to receive from others, how he can achieve recognition first within his family, and then in society. The family should take on the main task education and socialization child. At the same time, in modern conditions, other social institutions - the media, kindergarten, school, etc. - give their own patterns of behavior. From an early age, children can be influenced by a mentality and ideas about life that are alien to a particular family. And yet, no matter how society influences a person's ideas about his identity, it is in the family that the boy is preparing to become a man and father, and the girl - a woman and mother. The example of the older members of the family helps the younger ones to gender identity and learn to play appropriate social roles.
In the family, as in other social groups, there is role interdependence e.g. father-son, mother-daughter, grandfather-grandson. Without grandchildren, there can be no grandfather, and without a son or daughter, a person cannot play the role of a father or mother.
Proper distribution of roles and responsibilities between family members helps her to function normally. It is very important that each member of the family is well aware of his own role, the role of others, and that his behavior is consistent with this knowledge. No role can be separate and independent from the other. All the roles of each family member are connected to all the roles played by other members. How much clearer are boundaries of each role in the minds of all members of the family, the more effectively people can communicate with each other, without leaving room for confusion or attempts to misinterpret the behavior of a person in the family.
Denial or confusion of roles often leads to big problems. For example, many conflicts between spouses arise from the fact that another family member is fully responsible, which, in fact, is a common duty. Family conflicts have their background in the fact that people do not know how - or do not want - to distribute family roles and perform them well.
Happens over time changing society's perceptions about a particular family role, also a person during his life physically, mentally and socially develops, due to which his social family roles are changing. This is an expected and natural process, which, however, is associated with a number of problems and is not always positive.
The German philosopher and sociologist Max Horkheimer wrote: The Perfect Modern Mother plans to raise his child in an almost scientific way, starting with a strictly balanced diet and ending with the same strictly defined and calculated amount of praise and punishment that all popular books on psychology advise. The behavior of the mother towards the child is becoming more and more rationalistic, women perceive their motherhood as a profession. Even love becomes a means of pedagogy. Spontaneity, natural boundless care and maternal warmth towards children disappear. 
The modern "nuclear" family assigns to a woman - a spouse and mother - a number of complex and difficult roles that she can not cope with alone. A man - a husband and father - begins to participate in various household chores. As a result, the boundaries between the roles of men and women in housekeeping less and less noticeable, although this role is still traditionally considered female. That is why in the family, when discussing problems related to household duties, a sense of responsibility and love of a man should prevail.
I would like to pay special attention to father role in the modern family. Many men play this role in a very "fragmentary" way. Why is this happening? A man can devote himself too much to work, as a result of which the family is “lost”. Or he is not attracted to family leisure, rest with the whole family. Perhaps he “runs away” from the family because of the behavior of his wife, some family problems that he is unable or unwilling to solve, etc. Sometimes a man is infantile, he still considers himself part of the parental family, depends on her and does not have personal autonomy. Poor living conditions can also become a reason or a reason for a man's desire to be away from home. about most of his time, and therefore, to his failure to fulfill his duties in relation to the family.
In some cases family members do not play the roles that, theoretically, they should, but those who force them to play the circumstances(for example, the work of young children, the parental role of grandparents, etc.). When a part of the parental role is transferred to one of the children in the family, this can be both a necessary help to the family in certain circumstances and the beginning of great psychological problems between this child and his brothers and sisters. A child “acting” as a mother or father will have to overcome envy, unwillingness to obey, and sometimes hatred of other children ...
Another problem associated with role reversal or confusion is communication with older people in the family. Communication between grandchildren and grandparents is a necessary and joyful aspect of family relationships. At the same time, communication between older family members and a young married couple is usually filled with friction and conflict.
Grandparents, as the oldest members of the family, occupy today an honorable, though not the most important, place in the family hierarchy. And yet, often their behavior is interpreted by family members as not quite adequate and causes their own children to feel bewildered or annoyed. Most often behind such actions and a similar reaction one hundred and Again, the inability of each family member to correctly distribute family roles or to recognize and adapt to the change in their roles in time.
One of the problems of changing roles in the family is the so-called "generation gap". In the broadest and most ancient sense, it personifies the eternal struggle between the old and the new. It is natural to expect that children will have their own ideas about the world and their place in society, which differ from the opinions of their elders. Perhaps this conflict can be called not a "clash of roles", but "clash of points of view" available in every generation. Parents and children seem to look at the world "from different bell towers":
|
PARENTS |
CHILDREN |
| 1. More conservative. | 1. Open to everything new. |
| 2. Keep traditions. | 2. Initially set against tradition. |
| 3. Worried about the future of their children. | 3. They are interested in the present. |
| 4. Defenders of traditional morality. | 4. Consider any morality possible for themselves. |
| 5. More distrustful. | 5. Trusting. |
| 6. They need safety first. | 6. They are attracted to adventure and risk. |
| 7. Strive for peace and quiet. | 7. They like noise. |
| 8. Learned from their life experience. | 8. Ready for any new experience. |
| 9. Take care of order, etc. | 9. Differ in carelessness and carelessness. |
| 10. Limit themselves to religious values. | 10. They are characterized by liberty and licentiousness. |
| 11. Worry about "what society will say." | 11. They don't care about social control. |
| 12. The first priority is “family benefit”, even when it is not achieved in a completely honest way. | 12. Do not accept dishonorable and ignoble deeds. |
One of missions each families- help children set your goals in life and teach them to be persistent in achieving them. Parents who give their children nothing but money and pleasure create in them a great psychological emptiness especially dangerous in adolescence and post-adolescence.
How happy the young people are at the wedding, how happy they are that they met each other. Everyone wishes them: “Advice and love!” And the people who lived together say: “Patience to you!” Young - again: "Love you, love!" And those who have already lived: “Patience to you!”
It always surprised me at a wedding. “What kind of patience are they talking about? - I thought, - Love, love! And so I want those couples who create a family to be happy. So I want their happiness to be preserved for life.
Have I seen such families? I saw! And not only in photographs of the royal family. It is possible, but it has become rare. Why? Not ready. We now very often have the following attitude: “Take everything from life! Make the most of today! Don't think about tomorrow."
Family is something else. The family presupposes sacrificial love. It involves the ability to listen to another person, to sacrifice something for the sake of another. This goes against the grain of what the media is now suggesting. Now the maximum that is said: "they began to live and make good." And that's it. Good to live! How to treat each other in family life? Unclear. We'll see how it goes.
Why does a young family begin to fall apart? What is she facing, what are the challenges?
Trying out new statuses
Before marriage, during the so-called "conquering period", young people are always in a good mood, look good, smile, and are very friendly. When they have already signed, they see each other every day as they are in real life.
I remember how one psychologist said this: "It is impossible for a person to walk on his toes all his life." In the premarital period, he walks on tiptoes. But in the family, if a person walks on tiptoes all the time, sooner or later his muscles will cramp. And he will still be forced to stand on his full foot, start walking as usual. It turns out that after marriage, people behave as usual, which means that not only the best things begin to appear in our character, but also the bad that, unfortunately, happens in our character, which we ourselves would like to get rid of. And at this moment, when a person becomes real, and not like standing in a shop window, some difficulties arise.
But it is not normal for a person to always be in a blissful state. That is, loving people begin to see each other in different states: in joy, in anger, and looking great, and not very much. And it happens in a rumpled bathrobe, and it happens in sweatpants. If earlier a woman always looked beautiful, then after marriage, in the presence of her husband, she begins to bring beauty and the like. That is, those things that were previously hidden became visible. There is irritation, and in a sense, disappointment. Why was there a fairy tale before, and now gray everyday life has come? But that's okay! There was simply no need to create castles in the air.
Now you need to understand, to accept a person completely as he is. With its advantages and its disadvantages. At the moment when a person begins to show not only his virtues, but also his shortcomings, new roles of husband and wife appear. And this state is completely new for a person who has just entered into a marriage union. Of course, before marriage, before marriage, each person imagined what kind of husband or wife he would be, what kind of father or mother he would be. But this is at the level of mere ideas, ideals. Being married, a person behaves as it turns out. And compliance with the ideal is either obtained or not obtained. Of course, not everything works out in the best way from the very beginning.
For clarity, I will give an example. One woman said very wisely: “There is no such person who would get on figure skates for the first time and immediately go and begin to perform complex elements.” Well, that doesn't happen. He will definitely fall and fill bumps. It's the same with starting a family. People entered into an alliance and immediately became the best husband and wife in the world. It doesn't happen. You still have to endure pain, and fall, and cry. But you have to get up. That's life. This is fine.
The husband is expected to behave differently than the groom. And the wife is also expected to behave differently than the bride. Please note that even the manifestation of love should be different in the family from the manifestation of love in premarital relationships. Answer this question for yourself - if the groom puts a bouquet of flowers to his bride before marriage, climbing up the drainpipe to the third floor, how will this be perceived by other people? “Wow, how he loves her, he just lost his head from love!” Now imagine that the husband who has the key to this apartment does the same. He climbs up to the third floor to put a bouquet of flowers. In this case, everyone will say: "He's kind of strange." In the second case, this will be perceived not as a virtue, but as an oddity of his thinking. Think if he is sick.
It would seem a trifle, how to present a bouquet of flowers. But the expectations from the groom and from the husband are completely different. Why? Yes, because love is something in marriage, it is completely different. Here everything is more serious, more demanding, tolerance, prudence, calmness should be shown much more. Completely different qualities are expected. Returning to the original question, premarital relationships and the beginning of family life are completely different stages in the life of a family. But the beginning of a family, it seems to me, is more interesting, because this is already real life. Premarital relations are a preparation for a fairy tale, and family life is already a fairy tale beginning. Which will be happy or unhappy, but it's up to you.
The difference between a man and a woman in understanding love and family
A man and a woman feel differently at the very beginning of family life. Many women have a desire to maintain the style of premarital relations, so that a man always compliments them, gives them flowers, gifts. Then she believes that he truly loves her. And if he does not give gifts, does not say compliments, a suspicion arises: "Probably fell out of love." And the young wife begins to peer into him, to ask questions. And the man does not understand why the woman is so restless, what happened.
When psychologists began to study this issue, it turned out that at any stage in the development of a family, it is important for a woman that a man say something good and kind to her. A woman is so arranged that she needs verbal support. And men are more rational. And when men are asked about the faded feelings, they are surprised, and most say so: “But we signed, the fact is. After all, this is the most important proof of love. It's clear, what else is there to say?
That is, a different approach for men and women. A woman needs proof every day. And so the man does not understand what happens to her every day. But after all, it doesn’t cost him anything to bring and give a flower. And the woman will blossom after that, the mountains will turn! It is important to her, but the man does not reach. One man said that when a woman gets angry, he does not attack her, but says to her: “Despite the fact that you are angry, I still love you. You are so beautiful!” What happens to the woman? She melts and says, "It's impossible to talk seriously with you." You just need to feel each other and say the necessary words. Since a woman is more emotional, you need to give her this emotional support.
They began to look further, and it turned out that even the very concept of “love and be together” is understood by a man and a woman in different ways. There is such a family of psychologists, husband and wife Kronik. They explored how men and women understand what it means to be together. When concluding a marriage, a man and a woman say: “I marry for love. I love this person. And I want to always be with him.” It would seem that we speak the same language, we pronounce the same thing. But it turns out that a man and a woman put different meanings into these words. Which?
The first and most common. When a woman says "to love and be together", her presentation can be depicted in the form of the following model. If you draw circles (they are called Eller circles): one circle and inside it a shaded second circle. This is what it means for a woman to be together. She tries to be in the center of the life of her beloved man. Such women often say: "I love you so much that if you are not in my life, then it loses its meaning." This is the same type of relationship when a woman in family life begins to cry or runs to a psychologist. She doesn't understand what's going on. “But we agreed to be together,” she says.
If you look from an Orthodox point of view, the law is violated here: in the Gospel it is written "Do not make an idol for yourself." This woman makes her husband not just a husband and a loved one, she puts him above God. She says to him, “You are everything to me.” This is a violation of the spiritual law!
From a psychological point of view, such a woman takes the role of a mother in these relationships, and makes a child out of her husband. She re-educates her husband to the level of a capricious child. “Watch how I cook. You have porridge, you have soup. Look how good I clean. How about this or this? You only love me! And let me rock you, I'll sing a song. And the man gradually from the head of the family becomes a child. Who would refuse to be carried in their arms?
Several years pass, and the woman begins to scream: “I gave you my whole life, and you are ungrateful!” “Listen,” the man says, “I didn’t ask you to do this.” And he is absolutely right. She grabbed him in her arms, carried him, and then burst into tears. Who is to blame here? A man should be the head of the family, and the wife should behave in such a way that he feels like the Head. She should not raise a capricious child out of him. You have to know how to love!
The second type of family, common in godless Russia, depicted with the help of Eller's circles. One shaded circle. Style "do not leave a step from me, and I will not leave you." This family is like a prison. Once, in a student sketch, one student described this situation as follows: the wife, as it were, says to her husband, “To the leg, to the leg!” She says this to the head of the family, her husband! But he's not a dog! Why "to the foot"? At the same time, a woman comes to a family consultation and says: “You know, I suffer so much, and he is so ungrateful. He doesn't appreciate me at all! At the same time, she sincerely believes that she is suffering. And she does not understand that her strongest love is for herself. The attitude towards the husband is humiliating, not as to the head of the family, but as to the one to whom you can say “Silence!” and "To the foot!"
The next version of love and interpretation of the concept of "being together." This option is the most normal and humane. If you depict relationships in the form of wedding rings, they will overlap each other a little. That is, the husband and wife are together, but not like in the second case, when the family is like a prison. Here the woman understands that her husband is an independent person, he has the right to his experiences, his actions. They do not always have to walk toe to toe and look in one direction, there must be respect for each other, trust. If a man is not at home for some time, this does not mean that he is doing something indecent. No need to tell him “Where have you been? .. And now again, but honestly!” There must be a certain freedom, trust in each other. And a woman feels more comfortable, comfortable when a man is not always in front of her eyes. I want to pay attention, love is still giving another person the opportunity to do something without you. From this, the other person does not become a stranger, from this he grows up, he gains new information, his life becomes richer. A person communicates at his work, he reads books that he likes. Having processed all this, he becomes more interesting in the family, becomes more mature.
Now let's see how men understand what it means to be together. It turned out that the most common option is the following. If you draw two circles, then they will be at a distance from each other, and will be united by something in common: basically, a man and a woman are united by their place of residence (apartment). What does it mean? The man is more independent. He needs more freedom in life. This does not mean that he is not a domestic person. A man appreciates family life very much. He just needs a normal environment in the family. He does not need a hysterical wife, rushing about, who sees her life in raising her husband as a student. He doesn’t need the one who reproaches all her life, and then says, “Why don’t you appreciate me?”
This misunderstanding between a man and a woman, when they understand differently what “being together” means, is felt especially sharply in the first year of marriage. Because of this, women suffer more often. Therefore, I turn to them. If a man is not always in front of your eyes, do not take it as a tragedy. Moreover, a man must necessarily assert himself at work. If he asserts himself in work, in his profession, he becomes much softer in the family. If something does not work out for him at work, then he behaves tougher in the family. Therefore, do not be jealous of his work. This is also a mistake. Husband and wife should not breathe in and out at the same time. And in life, too, everyone should have their own rhythm, but they should be together. Unity should occur at the level of trust and respect for the other person.
I sometimes suggest to some women: “Imagine that a man would tell you trouble from morning to evening, teach you something from morning to evening.” Such things never occur to women. Women do not understand at all that she is not a teacher in the family, and her husband is not a loser. Quite the contrary: he is the head of the family, and she should be his assistant. Teaching him is not according to the commandments, it is a violation of spiritual laws.
There are physical laws and there are spiritual ones. Both those and others are God's. Both those and others are not cancelled. There is a law of universal earth gravity. A stone is thrown, it must fall to the ground. A heavy stone is thrown, it will hit very hard. The same is true of spiritual laws. Whether we know them or not, they still work. The elders write that "The dominion of a woman over a man is a blasphemy against God," theomachism. If a woman does not behave according to the commandments, she will suffer. Women, beware! Start acting like you're supposed to. Everything will come to life and line up as it should.
Monotone
In the first year of family life, there is such a difficulty as monotony. If, before marriage, they met occasionally with each other, there were dates, and at that time both were in high spirits, everything was festive. In family life, it turns out that they see each other every day. And they already see everyone, both in a good mood and in a bad one, they see ironed, ironed and not ironed at all. As a result of monotony, monotony, emotional fatigue accumulates. We need to learn how to celebrate. Just drop everything and go out of town together. Another environment, nature, and you both calmed down. Just a change of mind. And when people return from such a trip, everything is already different. Many problems no longer seem as global as before, and everything is simpler. The most important thing is that it be together, and that they rest together, throw off this monotony, get rid of the monotony.
Minor hypertrophy
As a result of monotony, emotional fatigue sets in, the so-called “hypertrophy of small things” begins. That is, trifles begin to annoy.
A woman is annoyed that a man, returning home, does not hang his jacket on a coat hanger, but throws it somewhere. Another woman is annoyed that toothpaste is squeezed out not in the middle, but from above or below (that is, not where she is used to). And it starts to irritate to a nervous chill. A man also begins to annoy some things. For example, why is she talking on the phone for so long. And before marriage, it touched him. “Wow, how sociable she is, how they love her, how many people are drawn to her, and she chose me.” In marriage, the same thing irritates to a nervous tremor. “What can you talk about for so many hours on the phone? he asks. - No, you tell me - about what? When married couples come for a consultation, you see that they are not ready for a compromise, they can hardly restrain themselves physically. Husband and wife often turn to each other with the question: “Do you understand that these are trifles? Well, if it's not that important, why is it so hard for you to give in to me?"
First, the attitude that someone else has to realign for me is not a smart attitude. Even in ancient times, people said, "If you want to be happy, be happy." This does not mean that the whole world should be rebuilt for the sake of our convenience. There must be elementary patience and self-control. Well, what difference does it make how the man squeezed out the paste? It's not a global tragedy that he hung his clothes on a chair and not on a hanger. You can react differently without getting hysterical.
What else is starting to happen? There is a need to run a business. If earlier at home it was possible to do nothing, or to do occasionally, because you were a child, now everything turned out differently. Previously, they told you: “You will gain more in life, you can rest for now.” And when families are created, the classic version is as follows: a young wife can only boil an egg or potatoes, fry scrambled eggs, heat cutlets, and the husband can do about the same thing. Is it readiness for family life? The elementary preparation of dinner becomes a feat. Remember the movie, Munchausen says "Today I have a feat on my schedule"? Then everything in the family becomes a feat. Even simple cooking. Everything used to be done by my mother, but then some duties fell. It is very annoying if you are not ready, if you are used to using it.
What to do in this situation? Grow up! Rebuild! You need to make an effort on yourself. It's elementary, if you remember the stage when children move from kindergarten to school, and they have new responsibilities, new lessons, it takes so much time to prepare. Well, that's why they don't drop out of school! Learn, go further and further.
Just laugh at this little thing, turn everything into a joke. This is on the one hand. On the other hand, go towards each other. This is not such a global problem, because you can listen to another person. This is the most reasonable. There is a phrase - "I will die, but I will not worship." Well, why die standing when it's so easy to come up and hang your jacket in the right place, if it's so annoying to another person, especially a loved one? After all, he will be grateful to you, and the evening will turn out to be happier and there will be no scenes. The same for a woman. If she feels that her husband is annoyed by her long conversations on the phone, she must give in to him.
Who is the head of the family or Caesar - Caesar's
In the first year, it is determined who will be the head of the family. Husband or wife? Very often, women who marry for love begin their family life by pleasing their husband. It is so natural: when you love, to do good to another person. Many women are carried away. They begin to behave in the spirit of “I will do everything myself. After all, the main thing is that you feel good.” If you need to clean up, of course, she herself. To the store? No need, she's on her own. If the husband offers help, immediately “no need, no need, I myself.” If a man begins to decide something, a woman also tries to take an active part, “but I think so,” “let's do as I say.” She, simply put, does not understand at this moment that she is unconsciously (and sometimes consciously) trying to take on the role of the head of the family.
A lot of women who get married behave the same way at a wedding, when the newlyweds are supposed to bite off a piece of the loaf. They try so hard to bite off more. They shout to her: “Bite more!” And the woman tries to swallow to the maximum. According to the Moscow proverb: "The wider you open your mouth, the more you bite off." So they try to open their mouth wider, up to a dislocation. They do not even know that a family tragedy begins here. This is the beginning of family pain in several generations. Why? It is normal for a man when he is the head of the family (whether he understands it or not). The woman is weak. The man himself is more rational, cold-blooded, calm. He has a different mindset. Women are more emotional, we feel more, but we capture more in breadth and not in depth. Therefore, the family council should be in the family: one takes more in width, the other in depth. One is more at the level of a cold mind, the other is at the level of the heart, feelings. Then there is fullness, warmth, comfort.
If a woman, without realizing it, intercepts the role of a leader from a man, the following happens: she changes, loses her femininity, becomes masculine. Pay attention, a woman in love and loving can be seen from afar. She is very gentle, the embodiment of femininity and motherhood, calm, peaceful. If we take the emancipated modernity, then in many families matriarchy now reigns, in which the woman is the leader of the family. Why?
Very often, women come for a consultation and say, “Yes, where can I get them, real men. I would love to marry someone like that, but where can I find him?” When you start to analyze the situation, it turns out that with her attitude to life and her behavior, only the man who will shut up and step aside can survive with her without a heart attack. Because someone has to be sane. He thinks: “I’d better keep quiet, because she can’t be shouted down.” She shouts to him: “What kind of husband are you ?!” And he was simply already deaf from her scream. “Yes, here I am. Take it easy. You see that you are not alone. Just you feel that you are a woman.
A woman should be feminine, soft and not hysterical. It must radiate warmth. The task of a woman is to keep the hearth. But what kind of guardian is she, if it is a tsunami, a typhoon, a small Chechen war within the family territory? A woman needs to come to her senses, remember that she is a woman!
Women ask me the question “What should I do if he does not take on the role of head?” Firstly, I must say that we do not prepare boys for the role of the head of the family. It was earlier, before 1917, that the boy was told: “When you grow up, you must become the head of the family, you will answer to God, as your wife was behind you (she is a weak vessel). You will answer how the children felt behind your back (they are small, after all). You will have to answer to God what you have done so that they all feel good.” They told him: “You are a protector! You must protect your family, your homeland." Orthodoxy teaches us that there is no higher honor than laying down one's life for one's friends. It's an honor! Because you are a man. And now they say: “Yes, you think! Do you want to join the army? You will die there! Are you crazy or something?!” Now they are brought up in the spirit: “You are still small, you still have to live for yourself.”
And this “little one” creates a family. And everything would be fine, he could become the head of the family if there was a feminine woman nearby. Nearby there should be a wife who was brought up in Orthodox traditions, who knows that her task is to be such a wife that she would want to return to her house, because she is there, because she is kind and loving, and not shy away from her with the words “Lord have mercy. She should be such a mother that the children can come to her for help, and not run away from her, seeing how bad her mood is. She should be a hostess so that it would not be a feat for her to cook food. You see, when a man marries a feminine woman, the family structure is different. And in a family with an emancipated woman, the following situation often occurs. She says: “Last time you did not listen to me, and it turned out badly. So be smart, listen to me now! Haven't you realized yet that you're complete (knock-knock-knock) compared to me?"
When I studied at the institute, our teacher once said: “Girls, remember for the rest of your life: a smart man and a smart woman are not the same thing.” Why? A smart person has erudition, extraordinary thinking. A smart woman does not stick out her intellect when communicating, especially in a family. She tries to carefully find the very solution, the softest, most painless, which would suit everyone in the family, to help her husband, and so that everything is peaceful and calm. Many of our women do not behave smartly. They go on a frontal attack, they act like wrestlers in the ring, women's boxing starts. What does a man do? He steps aside. "If you want to fight, well, fight."
A Moscow psychologist (God rest her soul) Florenskaya Tamara Alexandrovna said a wonderful phrase: “In order for a husband to be a real man, you must become a real woman yourself.” We must start with ourselves. This, of course, is difficult, but without this, a real man will not work nearby. When a woman is constantly torn and hysterical, a man tries to step aside so as not to go deaf.
It's so simple. When a woman catches her breath and begins to change, at first the man tensely waits for the usual scenes, begins to ask: “Are you all right?” But then, when it really changes, then the husband finally begins to behave like a man, because he is given the opportunity to behave not like a whipping boy, but like a real man. And then, because the parents behave like a normal husband and wife, and the children calm down. Peace comes to the family, everything falls into place.
Some women say, “How can I act like a helper? I can not! Neither my grandmother nor my mother behaved like this. I've never seen this before my eyes."
Really, how? Everything is trite and very simple - it is not necessary to stick out your “I” and put it at the forefront, but simply love the other and take care of it. Then the heart begins to tell.
For example, a woman says, “Here I am discussing family issues with him, but still I make the right decision. Why lie then? Why waste time on this? This is how an intelligent person behaves, but an unintelligent woman, because she is digging a grave for her family. She seems to be saying: “I don’t see you point-blank. What did someone say? Are you? What did you squeak there?
Is this how they behave with the head of the family? Here, for example, one very smart woman answers my question: “How do you talk to your husband?” She says: “I will tell you the options that came to my mind, but the decision is up to you. You are the head." She told him how she sees the situation, and he makes the decision. And it is right!
I understand it's hard to say. A modern woman is more likely to break, and will act on the principle of "I will die, but I will not bow down." And the family is falling apart.
It is normal for a woman to turn to a man for advice. And the man begins to get used to the fact that he is in charge, what will be asked of him. When there are children, it is normal to say to the child: “Ask dad. As he says, so be it. After all, he's our boss."
When the children are naughty, it’s right to say: “Quietly, dad is resting. He was at work. Let's be quiet." These are small things, but it is from them that a happy family is formed. This must be learned to do. This is how a smart woman behaves, the keeper of the hearth. Next to such a woman, a man from an inexperienced boy becomes the head. It is such a family, according to a survey of sociologists and psychologists, that is strong, because everything is in its place.
The relationship of a young family with relatives
Family psychologists who have studied so many young families have come to the conclusion that it is better to live separately from their parents. With modern upbringing, if a young family begins to live separately, it does not affect how they master their roles as painfully as if they lived with their parents.
I'll explain why. Modern people are very infantile. Very often, people who create families, they are still determined to be children, so that mom and dad carry them on their hands, so that mom and dad solve their problems. If there is not enough money to help them. If you can't buy clothes, buy more clothes. If the decor isn't good enough, they can help with the furniture as well. And if there is no apartment, they should rent an apartment. This setting is selfish. Their parents, like small children, must be carried on the handles, they must be rolled in strollers. This is not right, because when you create your own family, these are two adults who may soon have their own children. They already have to carry someone on their hands. When creating a family, it is necessary in advance, before marriage, before the wedding, to think about where the young people will live. It is better to find an opportunity, try to earn money in advance. It is desirable that not at the expense of the parents, but at their own expense, at least for the first six months, rent an apartment and live separately.
Why did psychologists come to the conclusion that with modern upbringing, it is better to start family life separately? When a family is formed, young people must master the role of husband or wife. These roles must be consistent. But it doesn't work out that everything goes smoothly. And to become a good wife, a woman must feel for herself what it means to be a good wife. For her, this is still an unusual state. The same is true for a man. Being a husband is unusual, but he is the head of the family, a lot is expected of him. More recently, there was so much freedom, and now there are only responsibilities. A man needs to get used to it. Young spouses need to coordinate their actions so that communication between husband and wife is a joy. And in these painful moments, when everything does not always work out, it is better for young people to live separately. When one person after the wedding comes to another family, he must not only find a common language with this particular person. He will have to join the life of another family in which they lived without him for very many years. For example, consider the relationship in the classroom when a new student arrives. Everyone had been together for a long time, and then a new one came. At first, everyone looks at him. And it happens, like in the movie "Scarecrow". If a person is different from others, then repressive measures will necessarily begin against him, he will be tested for strength. See how he behaves. Why? He is different, and we need to see how much we can find a common language with him.
The Japanese even have a saying: "If a nail sticks out, it is driven in." What does she mean? If a person stands out in some way, they try to fit him to the general standard so that he becomes like everyone else. It turns out that a person who has come to another family, in which all relations have already developed, experiences more difficulties. He has to build relationships not only with one person, husband or wife, but also with other relatives. He is no longer equal, it is more difficult for him.
When young people get married, they look at each other and think that the family is two people. And there are still numerous relatives, and everyone has their own idea of how to behave with this family: what time to come to visit them and leave, in what tone to talk, how often to interfere. And these problems with new relatives are quite painful.
How are today's youth behaving? Very often she was brought up in a system of democracy, in the values of universal equality. Elderly people have lived their lives, they have a rich experience. What is the equality here? What a familiar pat on the shoulder? There must be respect for adults! But even adults now have their distortions. It is written in the Gospel that "and a man will leave his father and his mother, and the two will become one flesh." A person must leave his parents. They have the right to intervene in the life of a child when he does not have his own family. When he has his own family, he is, as they say, "a cut piece." The family must make their own decisions, in their own family council. Climbing up to them so actively with advice is not allowed.
Especially often there are problems when a mother interferes in the life of a young family. A man, unlike a woman, rarely intervenes in the family of his child. What is the mother's mistake? The only mistake is that it helps incorrectly. Help, of course, is needed, but not at the level of humiliation and reproaches. The same thing can be said at the level of a reprimand, a public slap in the face. And the same can be said very carefully, one on one. "Daughter, I wanted to talk to you." When it is said with love, the heart always responds. When this is said with the wrong inner attitude, the person starts to reject. We must learn to help another person. Not at the level of the sovereign, who beats with a whip, but at the parental level, having many years of experience behind her and instructing them, fledgling chicks, helping with advice. They will definitely listen!
And another feature: very many young people now, when they are creating families, they begin to call their new parents not “mother” and “dad”, but by their first name and patronymic. Their motivation is as follows: “Well, you know, I have a dad and a mom. And it’s hard for me to say “mom” and “dad” to strangers.” This is not true! We have formal and informal style in clothes, there is a classic suit and there are home clothes. The official style also implies official communication by name and patronymic, here it is indecent to call by name. This style of communication sets the distance. If in a family where there are close relationships, communication takes place at the level of an official reception, then a distance immediately appears. And then the question: why do they treat me with arrogance? It's okay to call your new parents "mom" and "dad" if you're well-bred. “Mommy”, “daddy”, and the answer will be involuntarily - “daughter” or “son”. As it comes around, so it will respond. There is such a law in psychology: if you want to change your attitude towards yourself, change your attitude towards this person. We must feel with the heart of another person.
This is very difficult. Many women in consultations say: “He has such a mother! It's impossible to bear it. Why should I love her?" You understand, if you lack so much kindness, love at least her for the fact that she gave birth and raised such a son to you. She gave birth. And she raised. And now you're married to him. For that, you should be grateful to her. Start at least with this, and the other person will feel it. Necessarily! As it comes around, so it will respond. You need to love your relatives, and not immediately arrange transformations: “I came, and now everything will be different. Here we will rearrange, here we will plant flowers, we will replace the curtains.” If this family lived in its own way, and you came to this family, you must respect it. You need to start by loving other people and learning how to give love. Do not demand, but give!
This is the task of the first year of family life. It's very hard. If a person is brought up in Orthodoxy, it is natural for him. If he was brought up in a modern way: in the spirit of “live, take everything from life”, then these are continuous problems. As a result, the first year ends, and you think, “Before that, life went on calmly, like in a fairy tale. And there are so many problems. Let's get divorced." And people get divorced without realizing that family life can be very happy, you just have to work hard, and then the return can be huge. If at the very beginning of family life this sprout is broken off, then there will be a point, thorns for the rest of your life. That is, you need to let the family get stronger, gain strength so that it gives you warmth.
This painful moment of the formation of a family is common. For example, a baby learns to walk, he gets up and falls, gets up and falls. But this does not mean that now he should not learn to walk. A young family, she also learn to walk. But there is such a feature. When a baby learns to walk, it is necessary that an adult stands nearby, constantly insures, takes by the hand. In the case of a young family, they should hold each other's hand. Together, husband and wife. Psychologists recommend starting to learn to walk separately from other relatives. When they learn to walk with one foot, figuratively speaking, then it turns out that they can already move to the next step. It is possible after some time, after they have lived separately, to move to their parents. And the money that was spent on paying for an apartment can already be spent on other things.
In addition, a separate life helps young spouses grow up. I started with the fact that we have some young people, and even for the most part, when they start family life, they also have consumer attitudes. “Give it, give it, give it! I am still a child, I am still small and there is no demand from me.” But imagine if a person ended up on a desert island. Who will pay attention to whether you are small or rather big, whether you know how to cook or not? You will be forced to look around so that you can eat it, and then you will have to look for a way to cook it. After all, you will not eat raw fish, such as it was thrown ashore? You have to find opportunities, learn how to cook food, how to arrange your life. When young people begin to live separately, they seem to be on that same desert island. It depends only on them what they will eat, how they will live, how they will build relationships. It helps you grow up much faster. And infantile attitudes, such as “carry me in your arms,” must be removed. This is reasonable, and I think parents should not interfere with this. Of course, I want my children to do well, I want to pick them up in my arms. But it's time for them to grow up. Listen to this. Of course, there are times when young people are already internally mature, when they can build their relationships while being in the family of their parents. But for most young people it is very difficult. These are additional problems.
The appearance of a child
The second stage, the second step. First year. A child appears in the family. I do not take the case of so-called "feigned" marriages (that is, when the bride is pregnant and therefore the marriage takes place). Previously, in Russia it was considered a shame. Why? The word "bride" means - "unknown", synonyms - mystery, purity. Her clothes are white, a sign of purity. In our case, which bride is the unknown? Recently I was shown a fashion magazine for a pregnant bride. Different types of wedding dresses for pregnant brides. Simply accustom deliberately, systematically to debauchery. Previously, it was at the level of shame, but now it is in the order of things.
What happens if the bride is pregnant? The first crisis of family life is superimposed by another - the child. And the family is bursting at the seams. If you look psychologically. And if you know the spiritual laws, then things are already obvious here. The fact is that when a person lives according to the commandments of God, when he is covered with grace, everything happens by itself for him. He goes with thanksgiving. There is a sense of security. Feeling that God is love and He cares about each of us. When a person starts to sin… there is such a thing as “sin stinks”. The guardian angel departs because our sin stinks. Grace departs from us, we begin to suffer, to suffer. We ourselves have departed from God. We chose this path and suffer ourselves. When the bride becomes so “experienced” (and sometimes more than one man), and then she asks: “Why do I suffer so much, why do my children suffer?” Well, open the Gospel, read it!
When a child was born earlier, they prayed, asked God to send that child who would be a joy to the family, a joy to God. Now often "holiday" children are born. When people get drunk on holidays and in this state they conceive a child. And then the baby is born, and the parents ask: who did he go to, didn’t we have such a family?
Before, when a woman was carrying a child, she always prayed. She confessed often, took communion. Through this, the child is formed. The body of a woman is a house for this baby. She is cleansed, and her condition affects the child. Naturally, everything also affects the relationship with her husband, physical relationships cease. Because this is a hormonal earthquake for the baby. Why do they say "imbibed with mother's milk"? When the mother was feeding the baby, she prayed. And if a mother during feeding with her husband cursed or watched a film of semi-pornographic content, which is now constantly shown on TV, then what is laid down for the baby with mother's milk? Remember how you behaved when you carried a child and fed. And why be surprised after that?
There are no dead ends in Orthodoxy. God is absolute love and He is waiting for our repentance. Only. And as in the parable of the prodigal son, only the son returns, the father ran to meet him. “Father, I am not worthy to be called your son,” says the son, and the father runs to meet him. Here you just need to realize and repent, and repentance means correction. And repentance should not only be at the level of “now I won’t do this.” It is necessary to go to confession, to take communion. We heal then soul and body.
We often would like to cope with our strengths, but we cannot. I remember that in the Soviet period there was a slogan: "Man is the blacksmith of his own happiness." And in one newspaper I read: "Man is the grasshopper of his own happiness." Exactly! A person jumps, chirps, thinks that he is jumping high. What a blacksmith! After all, without God, man cannot do anything. Therefore, you need to go to God, repent, ask for strength, say “I have already done so much in my life, help me, fix it, I can’t, you can. Help! Wise me, direct and fix everything. You could revive four-day Lazarus when he was already a stinking corpse. You revive me, revive my family, which is already stinking, disintegrating, my children who have suffered, you help them yourself. And, of course, you need to start improving yourself. It's all possible.
What happens when a young family has a baby? They expect him and think: now everything will be fine. And it begins that they must assume the new roles of mother and father. There is a feat of motherhood and fatherhood. This love is sacrificial, you have to forget about yourself. But how can you forget about yourself? It's so hard when you're selfish. And when you love, it's not difficult at all.
When a baby is born, how is the load in the family rebuilt? Firstly, if we take statistics, the workload on household chores sharply increases for a woman, the time for cooking is doubled. For adults, cook for a small one. And all by the hour. In addition, the time for washing increases many times over.
Farther. A newborn baby should sleep 18-20 hours a day. But now in our city, and throughout Russia, only 3% of absolutely healthy babies are born. In children, the diagnosis of hyperexcitability has become traditional. What modern baby sleeps for 18-20 hours? He cries and cries. As a result, when crying stops, a woman can fall asleep both sitting and half standing. The woman has such an emotional overload. What about the man? He thought it would be such a blessing. But it turned out to be the opposite: the wife rushes about, the child cries. And that's what family life is all about.
What happens next? An offer comes in: “Let's get a divorce? So tired! But why get divorced? You just need to grow up. A child will not be a baby all his life. In a year, he will begin to walk, grow, and then the baby has an amazing ability (up to 5 years old) to bring joy. They are such suns in the family, they are so happy with everything. "What is there to be happy about?" - we think. And they are so happy: “Mom, look at the house here, and the house here, and around the house.” And he's so happy. “Oh, mother, look at the bird!” And he is happy. For them, everything is the first time in their lives. This is a lesson for us, adults, how to get joy from everything.
Recording of the conversation - Center for the Protection of Maternity "Cradle", Yekaterinburg.
Transcription, editing, headings - website
A distance (online) course will help to find family happiness .
(Psychologist Alexander Kolmanovsky)
The ship of the family crashes on the ice of selfishness ( Crisis psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky)
The family needs hierarchy Psychologist Lyudmila Ermakova)
Commitment keeps people together Family psychologist Irina Rakhimova)
Marriage: the end and the beginning of freedom ( Psychologist Mikhail Zavalov)
Does a family need a hierarchy? ( Psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky)
If you create a family, then for life ( Yuri Borzakovsky, Olympic champion)
The country of the family is a great country ( Vladimir Gurbolikov)
Apologia for marriage ( Priest Pavel Gumerov)
Relationships in the family cover the relationship of all participants in a previously formed small social group, united by a common way of life and interests. Love, family, relations between relatives, what could be more significant in life?! However, often relationships in married couples are quite unfavorable. To create strong family ties and strong relationships, a comfortable microclimate, it is necessary for all members of the existing group to move in one direction.
Often, problematic aspects and conflict situations that arise in the relationship of marriage partners appear as a result of the inability to form a healthy relationship, due to the fact that no one has previously taught them how to competently build healthy relationships, get out of conflicts, and interact correctly. Also, the moral climate and psychological atmosphere in family relations, the social activity of the family and the structure depend not so much on the spouses themselves and general patterns, but on the specific circumstances that influenced the birth of the family and its further functioning.
Family and family relations
Among the circumstances affecting the life of the family and favorable relations in it between its members, the level of education of the spouses and the degree of their culture, financial situation, instilled traditions and life guidelines, place of residence, social status, moral convictions. All of the above factors determine the desire of the family to unite and consolidate, to constructively resolve conflict situations, move in one direction, thereby determining the specifics of family relationships.
Families can be, depending on the number of members, large and small. Today, in modern society, a small rather than a large family is considered the norm, although not in all countries. A small family usually consists of spouses and one or a maximum of two children. Spouses and their children are the core of every family. Often their parents live with them. Each member of family relations is in stable interaction with each other and plays a specific role in the family, worries about meeting the interests of society, the needs of each member individually or the family as a whole. The personal qualitative characteristics of the spouses, the specifics of their relationship determine the appearance of the family and the direction of the implementation of its inherent functions.
Communicative interaction ensures the coherence and purposefulness of the efforts of partners in order to achieve important priorities for the family, to meet the individual needs of subjects in emotional closeness with their loved ones. In the process of communicative interaction, partners exchange confidential and important information only for them, while empathizing with each other, which leads to a better understanding of each other, intellectual and spiritual enrichment. Intimate communication among partners is inextricably linked with the spiritual.
A family is considered a socio-economic entity, within which a joint life and budget is maintained, the acquisition or production and consumption of various types of goods and services takes place. For example, the satisfaction of the need for clothing. This function of the family is called economic. Its implementation is the task, first of all, of the spouses. A deep mastery of professional knowledge and skills of the spouses will allow the full implementation of this function.
Another key function of the cell of society is the organization of cultural leisure. A typical feature of leisure is a special atmosphere of warmth and emotionality, which allows you to fully open up and be sincere.
Equally important is the educational function of the institution of the family. After all, children are born in it, and then children are brought up.
The listed functions implemented by the family are extremely important and irreplaceable. A social group organized into a family should show equal concern for all its members, both older and younger.
They also distinguish between the representative function of the family, which means actions in the interests and on behalf of the family in contacts with friends, neighbors, and various public institutions.
The marriage union will function better only in cases of extensive interaction of the spouses.
The composition of functions in a particular family can be diverse. It depends on the degree of formation and level of development of the family, the circumstances of its existence. Failure to perform certain functions by the family may not affect the strength of the union only if both spouses have lost interest in a particular type of activity. If only one of the partners has lost interest, and the desire of the second to work together in some area of the functioning of the family does not find the right response, a constant source of conflict will appear.
Families, like family relationships, can be diverse and depend on many different factors. Below are the types of families and family relationships that are observed in society today.
The most democratic type of family relations is considered to be a partnership way of building relationships. In such a family, relationships are built on trust, equality and constructive communication. In a partner family, it does not matter who earns more, the budget will still be common. Problems and conflict situations are resolved through discussion and joint search for the best ways out of the situation. The main difference between such a family is a joyful atmosphere and a healthy environment in the family.
The next, no less common type of relationship in marriage is the patriarchal type, in which the wife and children obey the man (husband). The husband is the head of the family. He is fully responsible for the members of the group and independently makes all decisions. The role of a woman in such a family is reduced either to housekeeping and raising a child, or to work, but in combination with housekeeping and caring for a child. The typology of family relations also contains a category called the traditional family, which is characterized by maintaining close ties with relatives up to the “seventh generation” and subordination to the elders in the family. The foundation of the traditional family is the inviolable laws of the strength of relationships, responsibility and nepotism. In such families, most often, partners enter into a marriage union once. Traditional families do not accept divorce. The advantage of creating just such a family is mutual understanding and a clear delineation of responsibilities between all members of the group.
The matriarchal type of family relations is also quite common today. With this type of relationship, either a woman earns more than a man, and as a result she influences him, or she is an activist who loves to take care of children, budget, repairs, and any other family problems on her own, i.e. to everyone who succeeds. Often a man allows his wife to dominate the family due to his own natural laziness, unwillingness or inability to resolve domestic problems. There are also families in which the wife fully provides for the family, so the man assumes the duties of a housewife.
Today, one more type of family relations can be distinguished, which is new for society - the modern family. This type of relationship originated in the second half of the 19th century in European countries and spread throughout the world within a hundred years. It is characterized by the prevalence in relations of individual desires over the general ones. In such families, personal life becomes more important, more significant than family life. In a modern family, the interests of partners can be completely different, and the intimate aspect of marriage prevails over others. Children in such family unions become objects of excessive affection of parents. The desperate desire of spouses in modern families to give their own children everything is a negative feature of such relationships. After all, this prevents children from self-improvement, it is not easy for them to get on their feet, since they are freed by their parents from the need to get something by their own labor, protected from any difficulties.
Types of families and family relationships can be all kinds, but in each individual marriage there are positive aspects and negative features.
Attitude towards family and parents
The characteristics of relationships in the family is determined by several factors that determine the quality of relationships between relatives. Such factors include: the adaptation of spouses, their dependence on parents, the type of family rituals and the nature of family rituals, dependence on relatives of a spouse or spouse, behavior in resolving conflicts with relatives on one side or the other, interpersonal models of establishing relationships.
There is a close relationship that combines the adaptation of spouses and adaptability to relatives on one side or the other. Some people are satisfied that they excluded new relatives from their own family life or cut themselves off from them, while others will do everything possible to strengthen ties with new relatives and build interdependent relationships. The effective level of interaction can also be different for a married couple at different stages of family life.
Unfortunately, it often happens that the attitude towards the baby in the family overshadows all feelings for the parents. But before, for each individual in childhood, parents played the most important role. They were the most dear, dear and beloved people. But as they enter adulthood, especially after the birth of children, close relationships with their parents are lost. Although this does not mean that parents have become less close to grown-up children or have begun to love them less, but with each meeting there is less and less time to spend together, and endless problems, constant conflicts and misunderstandings can only aggravate the situation.
Building good family relationships is not easy. After all, children and parents have different views, beliefs, preferences and tastes. As a result of various trifles, conflicts and misunderstandings arise.
In order for relations with parents to remain the same, you need to try to understand what has gone wrong, what has changed. You should try to please your parents more often, give them, albeit small, but gifts, and not only on major holidays. After all, in childhood, parents spoiled their children with gifts not only on holidays, but for some reason when children grow up, they forget about all the joyful moments that their parents gave them, move away from them, do not consider their opinion.
Good relations in the family to parents will not be possible without communication. You need to talk with your parents, not sparing this time. If adult “children” are annoyed by constant parental reproaches and unnerving advice, then you should simply ask them about the details of life at the age at which their grown-up children are now. All people make mistakes, and all parents strive to protect their own children, regardless of their age, from any mistakes. Therefore, one should not neglect the advice of parents or judge them harshly. Parents should be given the opportunity to take care of their grown children.
Social relations in the family
The most complex social education today is the family. It is based on a holistic family-wide interaction of a community of individuals who are bound by marriage and carry out the reproduction of offspring, the succession of family generations, and the socialization of children.
The family is both a social institution and a certain small group. A relatively unchanged type or stable form of social practice through which social life is created and organized, the stability of relationships and relationships within the boundaries of the social formation of society is guaranteed, is called a social institution. In sociology, a small group means a small social group of individuals whose members are united by joint activities and establish personal communications with each other. This is the foundation on which emotional relationships in the family are born, the basis for the formation of special group guidelines, values, rules and norms of behavior.
The family, as a social institution, is purposeful to satisfy the most important human need for the reproduction of the genus. And as a small group, it is the foundation on which the formation of the personality takes place, plays a significant role in personal development, socialization. The family as a small social group is a kind of conductor of the rules of behavior, values, moral and spiritual norms that prevail in society.
The following types of family ties should be distinguished, depending on the characteristics of marriage, the characteristics of parental roles and kinship: monogamous and polygamous marriages, patrilineal and matrilineal unions, patriarchal and matriarchal marriages, homogeneous and heterogeneous marriages.
Monogamous marital ties are a marriage union of two people: a female representative and a representative of the strong half of humanity. A polygamous marriage is a marital union of one man with several spouses or one woman with several men. In patrilineal marriages, the inheritance of social status, property, and surname occurs through the paternal line, and in matrilineal families, it is carried out through the mother. In patriarchal marriages, the husband is the head of the family, and in matriarchal families, the wife is considered the highest authority. In homogeneous marriages, the spouses are natives of the same social group, and in a heterogeneous family union, the husband and wife come from different social estates, castes, groups, classes.
Today, the most common in today's urbanized cities are the so-called nuclear marriages, in which the family consists of parents and children, in other words, two generations.
Social relations in a family union are divided into formal relations, i.e. conventional and informal relations, i.e. interpersonal.
Sustainable social relationships, ties between family members, close relatives, other relatives, friends have a positive sustainable impact on mental state and health.
Child-parent relationships in the family
Healthy parent-child relationships in the family contain two components. Love is the first ingredient. The attitude towards the baby in the family should be based, first of all, on love for him, and not on control and educational methods of influence. The child needs to feel that mom and dad feel love for him simply for the fact that he exists, and not for his behavior, actions or good grades. The love of parents is a guarantee that the baby will grow up with a normal level of self-esteem, feeling and trust in the world around him. Children who are simply loved accept themselves exactly as they really are, which is of great importance in his entire subsequent life. After all, if you enter adulthood, considering your personality "unworthy" or "bad", the chances for a decent and successful life are reduced to zero.
The second component of the parent-child relationship is freedom of choice. Giving it to a child is often much more difficult than giving love. It is quite difficult for parents, and sometimes very scary, to let the baby make his own choice. Since they are always sure that they know better what to do, and the child wants to do it his own way only out of pure stubbornness. However, one should delimit the freedom of choice from lack of control and permissiveness.
Even if the baby feels love, excessive control by dad and mom leads to the risk of developing various forms of addiction. Reckless parental love, reinforced by total control, is an explosive mixture. Such a "cocktail" suffocates and does not allow breathing. Women with increased anxiety and overprotectiveness are prone to such overprotection. They control every step of the child, every new hobby. As a result, the baby can grow up either fragile and vulnerable, unable to withstand any life difficulties, or simply try to avoid such love by any means. The nature of relationships in the family, based on total control, according to most psychologists, causes children to often escape from reality into “chemical addiction”, mainly drug addiction.
Control, multiplied by the dislike of parents, can destroy a child's personality, which as a result can lead to.
Excessive freedom given to the child, combined with dislike, provides an opportunity for the formation of a child's personality, but at the same time leads to a great risk of physical injury. Such relationships are most often observed in dysfunctional families, such as families of alcoholics or drug addicts. In such family unions, children receive almost absolute freedom of choice, since, in principle, no one needs them. In such relationships, children are more likely to die, but along with this, children have the opportunity to grow up as an independent, purposeful person.
For the purpose of educational measures in family relationships, parents can turn to various methods of influence, such as encouraging or punishing the child, the desire to demonstrate behavior patterns by example. Parents' praise will be more effective if the child is in warm friendly relations with them, and, conversely, if the relationship between the participants in the seed process is cold and indifferent, then praise will not carry practically any incentive for the baby. Thanks to the use of incentive methods of education, the development of the baby as a person can either be accelerated and made more successful, or slowed down. Do not abuse punishment in the process of education. It should only be used if it is practically impossible to change the child's behavior in any other way. If there is a need for punishment to increase the educational response, the punishment should follow immediately after the misconduct. Very harsh punishments should not be abused, as they can cause the baby to become angry. Children who are often shouted at and who are constantly punished become emotionally indifferent, show increased.
The psychology of family relations boils down to the fact that everything that happens to a child is entirely the merit of his parents. Therefore, parents must learn that after the birth of a child, they have the opportunity to either help the child in the processes of socialization, personality development, learning, etc., or, on the contrary, interfere. Refusal to participate in the upbringing of children is also a kind of contribution to his future. But whether it will be positive or bad, time will tell.
Interpersonal relationships in the family
Achieving coherence and harmony in marital relations is quite difficult. The most important period in the family life of partners is considered to be the initial one, when young people for the first time face not love problems, but family and domestic ones. The stage of grinding characters, coordinating views on life, establishing a family way of life is a very difficult and important stage in relationships, which can cause both ups and downs in the mood of the newlyweds. This period is full of the most dual experiences. This stage of married life is remembered by the young for a lifetime, and in the future is reflected in the fate of the family and spouses. Indeed, in a relationship, each of the spouses discovers the world not only of his life partner, but also discovers something new in himself.
The basis of healthy family relationships should be a feeling of love, i.e. the highest level of emotionally positive attitude of the individual to the individual. Also known phenomenal selectivity in choosing a companion in a relationship built on love.
The psychology of family relations in the real life of subjects is much richer, more diverse and more complex than what people imagine before marriage.
The problem of relationships between subjects who have entered into marriage is relevant and one of the fundamental topics in family psychotherapeutic practice. In particular, this applies to young families created recently, where spouses are just learning how to live together. This stage of family life is considered a kind of grinding and an indicator of how their joint married life will develop in the future. The grinding period is characterized by a lot of problems in the interpersonal relationships of partners.
Basically, protracted conflicts, grievances, quarrels are caused, at first, by joint housekeeping. At this stage, you need to learn how to build a life together and treat the habits of another with understanding and patience. It is with the ability to find a common language in the process of building a joint life that many problems are associated. After all, earlier, even before marriage, the partners spent all their free time together and enjoyed it. They forgave each other for each other's small shortcomings, such as impracticality, some forgetfulness, absent-mindedness, and so on. Previously, these qualities were perceived as a little funny, harmless and sweet character trait. Now it is annoying and begins to be compared with unreliability.
Difficulties in mutual understanding and interpersonal relationships between spouses are often inextricably linked with differences in temperaments. Often, problems in interpersonal interaction are caused by the impact of the biological rhythms of the spouses. Also, the intimate life of a young family and its spiritual comfort depend on fluctuations in the biological rhythms of partners.
Emotional relationships in the family are the most important integrating mechanism, thanks to which the participants in family relationships feel like a single integrity and feel warmth and support from each other. Relationships based on love and mutual sympathy contribute to the reduction of frustrating experiences.
As a rule, emotional relationships in the family successively go through five stages. The first stage is characterized by a deep and passionate feeling of falling in love with the individual, when the spouse takes all the attention at the same time, coloring the perception of the reality of the partner in iridescent colors. At the second stage, there is some cooling, which is manifested in the fact that the image of the spouse rarely pops up in the mind in his absence, but when you meet him, there is a strong surge of positive emotions, feelings of tenderness and feelings of love. The third stage is characterized by continued cooling in emotional relationships. In the absence of a spouse, the partner experiences some psychological discomfort, but when meeting with him, tenderness and a feeling of love no longer flare up. For a flash of tender relationship and love, a kind of incentive is now needed - the partner must do something pleasant to prove his love. At this stage, habituation occurs. If at this stage mutual understanding is not found and the intensity of interpersonal communications is not reduced, then it will move to the fourth stage, which is characterized by unconscious irritation caused by the presence of a spouse. At the fourth stage, habits or character traits, appearances are perceived not as minor flaws, but as reasons for conflicts. At the fifth stage, the individual is completely in the grip of a negative attitude. It is characterized by the fact that the spouses have already forgotten all the pleasant deeds and words, and all the bad things are brought to the fore. Partners come to a misunderstanding why they live together. This period is the most difficult in interpersonal relationships.
Relationships of spouses in the family
As a rule, the nature of relations in the family, the cohesion of its members or the disintegration of the family, depend on the set of personal qualities of the partners, the moral principles they profess, worldview beliefs and life attitudes. When the ideological beliefs or worldviews of the spouses are incompatible, the family breaks up. The difference in ideologies determines the dissimilarity of needs, goals, objectives, ideals, dreams, therefore, leads to a difference in actions, behavior, the result of this will necessarily be the spiritual incompatibility of the spouses and even hostility. A true rapprochement between a man and a woman who adhere to different worldviews is possible only if both partners or one of them refuse their original positions.
The moral qualities of the spouses, such as tolerance, the ability to understand, attentiveness, kindness, tact, compassion, etc., are essential for family relations. All these qualities make the subject more “suitable” for living together in a marriage union. And vice versa, such qualities as unreasonable anger, excessive resentment, capriciousness, arrogance, selfishness make people incapable of long-term relationships and unsuitable for family life.
Also, individuals entering into a marriage union should look in the same direction, have similar views on moral standards and value orientations, such as the position of a man and a woman’s position in marriage, equality between the sexes, mutual respect, justice, responsibility and duty to the family, society. Since any confrontation with each other in this regard will only contribute to undermining the foundation of relations.
A rather important orienting quality of a person is the ability to make and implement decisions. If this quality is absent in an individual, then the worldview, life goals and attitudes become purely declarative and rather shaky, and the personality of the subject becomes unreliable and infantile. The behavior of such an individual is characterized by impulsiveness and unpredictability, as a result of which long-term cooperation with him becomes impossible.
Of great importance for the individual is also the assimilation of legal norms and moral guidelines that regulate relations in family life, the role of husband and wife, father and mother. The result of the assimilation of such norms will be the formation of a sense of duty, which, together with the will and a sense of love, pushes partners, their parents and other participants in family relations to fulfill their duties exactly and strictly.
Speaking about how to improve relations in the family, strengthen its internal ties, improve relations between partners, one should not underestimate the intimate relationship of spouses. The main thing in the physical relationship of the spouses is that intimacy should satisfy both spouses.
Also, to ensure the cohesion of the participants in family relations, their ability to improve economic activities is very important. Partners should not be afraid and avoid everyday life. Joint housekeeping will only bring spouses together if not avoided.
Love, family, relationships of individuals in the family are the fundamental factor that worries everyone, since in many respects the degree of success and satisfaction with life depends on it.
Relationships in a young family
The harmonious union of two individuals, the coherence of emotional reactions in a young family are created gradually. The prospect of union and further happy family relationships depend on the development of harmony and mutual understanding. That is why special emphasis should be placed at the initial stage of the formation of a family union, since it is at this stage that the psychological compatibility of two completely different people is established. This is the foundation of the emerging multi-story structure of marriage relations. The durability of the entire structure of family life depends on how strong such a foundation turns out to be.
Ideally, a family is the closest people in the world, always ready to support each other and come to the rescue, they are always there in a difficult moment. However, even between native people there are conflicts or misunderstandings.
Perhaps today the question of how to improve relations in the family is considered one of the central and most pressing issues. An effective method of avoiding misunderstandings in family relationships is the ability to find mutual understanding in any situation with your family. Therefore, from how diplomatically an individual is able to behave in various conflict and ordinary life situations, life together will be so cloudless. In the course of the development of family relations and the maturation of the family itself, it develops its own unique atmosphere. Unfortunately, today it is quite common to meet families where the spirit of alienation and the atmosphere of misunderstanding between household members dominate. The results of such intra-family relationships can be completely different, ranging from the breakup of the family and ending with the psychosocial problems of children.
Naturally, it is impossible to live without conflicts. You need to understand that conflicts are different. In family life, destructive conflicts should be avoided. It must be remembered that each individual has pluses and minuses, so you should learn to forgive and make concessions.
Healthy relationships in the family of the newlyweds will help to avoid the breakup of the family. All emerging problems should be discussed, trying to find a joint solution, and not shunned.
Unfortunately, in our time, the value of relationships in the family is gradually being lost. To prevent this from happening, individuals entering into marriage should be aware of the reasons that prompt them to enter into a family union. If both spouses love, respect each other and understand, if they are ready to make concessions to each other and have a common interest, then the relationship in the young family will develop favorably.
The characteristics of relations in the family of newlyweds is determined by the psychological compatibility of partners, the ability to create an optimal moral microclimate in relations.
Family relationship problem
In our time, one of the fundamental problems of the modern family is considered to be a sharp decline in the status of the family as a social institution of society, a decrease in its importance in the hierarchy of value orientations.
It is the solution of family problems that usually comes first for people. Among the most common categories of problems in family life, one should single out conflicts arising between partners, parents and a child, sons and daughters. The value of relationships in the family should be the highest value of individuals who form the social cell of society.
Love, psychological compatibility, spiritual harmony and communicative interaction of parents are considered to be one of the main factors that prevent protracted conflicts, the emotional basis for raising a child in a family. In a relationship where spouses treat each other with love, the relationship between children in the family will be friendly and benevolent, based on love and a sense of belonging to one family.
At the very beginning of family life, the first problem that arises before the newlyweds is the division of responsibilities, which in any case have to be performed. Often, partners have a different idea of who should do household chores, as a result of which conflicts arise on this basis.
The next problematic situation is the development of family values and moral guidelines from those that are really important for each of the partners.
In the process of solving family conflicts, the partner is recognized from a new side, the discovery of such traits of his character that were previously not noticeable.
Also, after the birth of a baby, family life is threatened by conflicts and problems. After all, when a woman, in addition to the role of a wife, also acquires the role of a mother, her attention switches from her husband to the baby, which is very much experienced by men.
A conflict or sharply negative attitude between children in the family also provokes quarrels between spouses who do not understand that the reason for the cool relationship between children is often the parents themselves.
