How to decide to move away from your parents. Dependence on parents
Hello, dear psychologists. My problem is that I cannot live with my parents: we are people of completely different generations and different upbringings, worldview. We manage to avoid conflicts only if I agree with them in many respects and do not contradict them. About myself: I’m 20, I graduated from medical school, I’m studying at the institute to become a psychologist. Financially, I am completely dependent on my parents; working as a nurse (after graduating from college) will not bring any income, the salary is 5-8 thousand. I have a young man, we plan to start with him in a year family life, but this is a big question, I’m not sure about it. It turns out like this - in best case scenario I still have to suffer for about a year and I’ll move out, at worst I don’t know how much longer. And I think I’m getting depressed, apathy, all because I don’t have enough “air”, I want to live alone. I agree to live anywhere, even in a communal apartment, even far from Moscow, as long as I’m not with them. I treat my parents with respect only because of the principle “you can’t choose your parents, you have to love anyone.” And so there is no pity for them, no feelings of any kind, even now, the mother is having a relapse again chronic disease, my father has arthritis - his legs hurt, but I don’t care. Of course, I supposedly sympathize with them, I pretend to be more precise. Since childhood, my parents kept (and now sometimes try) me with a tight rein, suppressing any self-expression. At the age of 15, I left home, became friends with a bad group, fell head over heels in love with one goat, walked with them for 3 days, after which my parents and the police returned me home, stopped my communication with the outside world completely: they sent me to and from school They took me away and took away my phone and computer. That's mine psychological trauma. So many years of depression.. There can be no talk of any trust. Please don't tell me to change my attitude towards them. I don't want to know them.
Hello, Olya! and it’s useless to change relationships - you just accept THIS as a FACT - wow, that’s the kind of relationship you have with your parents, YES, that’s what THEY are! BUT now - YOU are already responsible FOR yourself - and YOU need to make decisions, and if you are NOT satisfied with living with your parents, the solution is not to blame THEM, but to look for ways to resolve this situation, to look for a way to LIVE ALONE and independently ( and NOT getting married in order to move away from your parents - this way you will NOT get a family, but extra problem- YES!)
Are you a full-time student? then you can't work! YOU WANT to move out - you need money - you need a job - then the way out is to transfer to evening, part-time, work and study, rent a corner that you can afford!
YOU need ACTION, not just thinking! You yourself need to set priorities, set goals and outline ways to achieve them, of course you will have to sacrifice something (after all, you will have to pay FOR every choice in life!) and prices - you choose yourself! or study full-time, don’t work, and continue to live with your parents! or you work and rent a separate home!
Good answer 3 Bad answer 0Olya, you can’t even imagine what it’s like to live in a communal apartment: you have some kind of your own housing, and renting a room means being subservient to the owners, putting up with a shower and toilet for several complete strangers, someone will make noise at night, there will be dirt somewhere, even a Tibetan monk will not manage without conflicts in this situation, believe me :)
Yes, it’s very difficult for you, I have no doubt that you are deeply depressed, but if you don’t want any relationship with them, then the only way out is to provide for yourself financially. There are no evening/correspondence courses in medicine, but you can try to get a job and agree that you will not attend something. Then you will have to work a lot and at the same time also study on your own, at night, apparently. Any of these exits is possible, but it is very difficult. Just think and weigh what would be easier for you: go to work and, quite possibly, drop out of school, get very tired, or somehow emotionally isolate yourself from your relationship with your parents?
Golysheva Evgenia Andreevna, psychologist Moscow
Good answer 3 Bad answer 0 
Olya, hello. As a future psychologist, I think you understand how important emotional condition. And it is important now to find a comfortable inner state when you can desire and achieve. Regardless of the salary, I think you can find a psychoanalytic psychotherapist who can help you; each specialist has a place for a preferential appointment. I can help you in your search if you are ready to change something with the help of psychotherapy. You can call or write, I will send you contact information. Good luck to you.
WITH Best wishes, psychologist Nadezhda Zharinova, Moscow
Good answer 4 Bad answer 0I myself lived with my parents and relatives. Moved to a rented apartment. Sharing personal experience. I look at the topic of separation deeper than just territorial separation.
For those who do not yet know, “separation” in psychology is the separation of an adult child from his parents and his formation as an independent person.
Separation from parents is a very broad topic from a psychological point of view. Living with parents greatly influences a person's thinking. I won’t reveal all the subtleties here, but will write more superficial points so that everyone can understand and try them on for themselves.
When I was studying the topic of separation, I heard that many people who are not separated are social phobics who have a lot of fears. I didn’t have such a problem, so I don’t have my own experience in solving such issues. It is better to solve such questions with a psychologist or on your own, studying articles and videos of other people. For example, there are webinars by Denis Burkhaev - and. I haven’t studied these webinars specifically, but I’m familiar with other materials from this psychologist, he says very intelligent things.
My separation experience
The issue of separation from my parents affected me personally. When I finally decided to move, I was not 18, but not yet 30 years old. My view on the topic of separation may be useful to people of this age.
I didn’t have any strong psychological fears. There was no need to move from my parents to another city. The financial issue is not that much of a concern, but spending money on a rented apartment is a significant part of the expenses for me.
I've been thinking about moving away from my parents for a long time. I don't only child in the family, my brother has different views on life. He lives with his parents and it doesn't bother him. I always wanted better life, I was stressed by everyday inconveniences, the inability to create a personal life, and the lack of responsibility.
I had doubts about whether to move out or not, but I weighed the pros and cons of living together and separately from my parents. I share my thoughts with you.
Pros of living with parents
1. I don’t spend 25-35k a month on renting housing.
This is really a big plus. This is the average salary in my city.
But I decided for myself this way: I allocate 60k to live in a rented apartment for 2 months. I spend this money and forget about it. If I don’t like living separately from my parents, I’ll go back. I am ready to gain experience of living separately from my parents by paying this amount.
2. No need to cook food
Living with your parents you can always have something to eat.
But I can cook my own food. In addition, I will also learn to cook - this is a good skill.
3. No housework
You need to clean your room, but you don’t need to wash the floors in the hallway, wash the sink, toilet, or stove.
But it's not a problem. I'll wash everything you need. At the same time, I’ll find out what to use to clean the toilet, what’s there, there seemed to be some kind of “Duckling”. It’s not good at my age to have no experience in such everyday matters.
4. Parents’ experience: how to iron, wash, tie
Parents can be asked how to make creases on trousers, how to wash things: inside out or not.
But this is not a problem at all. Now all this can be found on the Internet.
5. You can count on your parents' help
There were cases when I ordered something to be delivered by courier to my home, but I was not at home. It's good when someone can help in such a situation.
But such situations do not happen often. And in general, sooner or later parents will not be able to help with this; you need to become independent.
Disadvantages of living with parents
1. Frequent noise in the apartment
It is impossible to work productively and engage in self-education. Work requires concentration. Reading books also requires a calmer atmosphere.
2. The toilet, bath, and kitchen are often busy
I wake up and instead of going to wash myself and cook something to eat, I wait until all this is free. Often my “morning” begins in the afternoon. And life passes.
3. Dirty dishes in the sink, other people’s things scattered around the apartment
I don’t like dirty dishes in the sink when there’s no water in the kettle. I don’t like it when other people’s personal belongings are scattered around the apartment.
4. It’s uncomfortable to bring a girl
Of course, we can bring you, but we won’t feel comfortable here. And a girl may not want to go to an apartment where there are other people behind the wall.
5. Overprotectiveness
A child will always be a child for his parents. They want to make their child better, protect him from some worries (not everyone is like this, on the contrary, some are burdened). I had guardianship. When your parents try to do everything for you, you grow up to be a dependent person. Being independent is important, especially for a man.
6. You can’t build your life
If you want to invite someone to visit, it’s inconvenient. Making improvements to the apartment is inconvenient; parents are against changes. There are many restrictions due to living with my parents.
7. The influence of parental thinking
Our environment influences us. People who watch TV say that you can’t earn big money honestly, that all the rich have stolen, that you have to go to work like everyone else for a meager salary - this has a negative impact. I have a different mindset.
Pros of living separately from parents
1. Independence, responsibility for your life
Yes. This is what I want.
2. Personal territory, order in the apartment
Yes. This is what will make me happy when I walk around the apartment.
3. You can bring a girl
Whenever you want, as much as you want, as much as you want. Comfortable conditions.
4. Calm atmosphere
You can work productively and study useful information and don't get distracted.
5. Gaining experience of everyday life
Learning to do things around the house is a rewarding experience.
6. Household comfort, freedom
I wanted to go to the toilet, bath, kitchen - everything was free. You can invite anyone, anytime.
Disadvantages of living separately from parents
1. Cash expenses 25-35k per month
The amount is, of course, not small.
But I’ll spend money, but I’ll gain experience. If I don't like it, I'll come back. I'll still earn money.
2. You need to cook food
I will spend my time preparing food.
But boiling potatoes, buckwheat, frying a cutlet is not difficult and does not take long. I can handle it. But I will learn to cook.
3. Housework
I will spend time cleaning the house.
But I’ll learn to take care of the house, I’ll learn about all these housekeeping, mops, rags.
4. No one will help
He won’t back you up, he won’t give you worldly advice.
But sooner or later you will still have to cope on your own. It’s better now than if everything falls apart later. And in general, now you can find out a lot on the Internet.
5. It’s sad that you’re not around parents who might need help.
The parents are not young, anything can happen.
But I don’t leave my parents, I don’t fly to the other side of the world. You can contact us by phone. If they need help, I will help.
6. It may be unsafe to leave expensive items in the apartment.
Maybe the landlord will turn out to be a thief or the apartment will be raided by burglars.
But the only valuable thing in the apartment will be a laptop. And what is more valuable is not the laptop itself, but its contents. Backups solve this problem.
These are specifically my pros and cons of living together and separately from my parents. Some points may coincide with you, but there may be others. Think through your list of pros and cons, and then it will be easier for you to decide whether to move out from your parents or not.
After compiling my list, I clearly understood that I wanted to live separately from my parents. If you don’t move out forever, then at least try. Money spent is just money to be earned. And I won’t get back the time of my life.
In the end, I found a rented apartment and moved.
What did I gain from separation
- The days have become longer, even despite the fact that I need to go to the store and cook food. I have time to do more things. I wake up early in the morning happy with life, I do all my morning chores. Nobody interferes.
- Learned to cook.
- Gained experience in planning purchases.
- Learned how to do household chores around the house.
- Personal life.
Thoughts stopped arising: “I’ll meet a girl, go on a date, but what next, where should I take her?” Internal state has changed. And a guy who does not live with his parents is more attractive to girls. I met more girls. - Responsibility.
Every day I make small decisions: what will I eat today, whether I need to go to the store, whether I need to defrost the meat, whether I’m out of food household chemicals, washing, ironing, house cleaning. When a person makes a lot, even such small decisions, then his psyche gets used to being independent. - New thoughts in my head.
Probably everyone can have their own thoughts. Both good and bad. I won't talk about mine. - Felt it complete freedom and a lot of possibilities. Here are my rules.
- The pleasant feeling of “I can provide for myself.” Here I am on my territory, I cooked my own food and ate well.
What did I lose when moving?
- Money to pay for the apartment.
This is all. The benefits of moving are obvious.
Results of the move
The time I spent on cooking, shopping, etc., I consider not lost, but invested in my skills. But the situation with money is different, because paying that kind of money for rent is still a bit much for me now. But this is a reason to earn more.
Renting an apartment is not financially profitable, but psychologically beneficial. In general, living separately, more possibilities to make good money, but it takes time. They say that you need to get used to living separately from your parents, then you will be motivated to provide for yourself, and you will earn as much as you need.
Now I see a good temporary option for jointly renting a 2-3-room apartment with like-minded people. So that this is not a communal apartment with drunks, but with developing personalities. People who want to separate from their parents are precisely those who strive for the best in life. It will be pleasant to live in the same apartment with such people. The result is a triple benefit: separation, economic benefit, good environment. Therefore, those who cannot afford to rent a separate apartment can rent an apartment with like-minded people. You can find an ad or create your own on the page.
So should you move away from your parents or not?
Haven't you answered this question for yourself yet? Haven't opened websites with apartment rental advertisements yet?
If you want to realize yourself as a person, then of course move!
If possible, move out. At least for a couple of months. Spend that money on maybe best stage in your life, do not spare money for it. Spend it and forget about it. Having lived separately, you most likely will not want to return to your parents.
Find out how to avoid typical mistakes during separation, how to tell your parents that you want to live separately and answers to many other questions can be found in the webinar by Denis Burkhaev -.
According to statistics, a quarter of young adult Russians still live with their parents, and most of them are men aged 18 to 30 years. I don’t know what is the reason for this distribution of indicators. Maybe it’s all about the boys’ late maturation, or maybe their natural laziness. Be that as it may, for girls the question independent life gets up much earlier than for guys.
A girl’s decision to live separately from her parents is perhaps one of the most significant steps on her path to an independent and independent life. But many of them cannot even imagine a life freed from vigilant parental supervision, and the first difficulty they face is informing their “ancestors” about their decision.
I. Difficulties of independent living
Before you decide to live separately, you should be clear about the difficulties you will face. If you haven’t done anything around the house before, and your skill as a chef doesn’t extend beyond scrambled eggs and sausages, get ready to fail in the culinary field. But don’t despair: a couple of broken plates, a cut finger, overcooked potatoes, and soon you will be able to delight yourself and your guests with delicious food.
Second important point household- This regular cleaning. Many women mistakenly believe that the work of a housewife is easy and simple, and therefore look at them somewhat arrogantly and self-confidently. In fact, not every such woman is able to keep the house clean and tidy throughout the whole day, and in her free time from cleaning, stand at the stove.
Be prepared for the fact that at first you will have to break a few nails before you learn how to cook more or less edible food and keep the apartment clean, befitting a well-mannered lady.
If you have taken on the responsibility for paying bills, then do not forget to regularly check your mailbox for notifications about payment of housing and communal services (water, electricity, heat, gas) and telephone bills. You will have to find the time to pay off debts, the strength to stand in line with grumpy grandmothers and the patience to learn how to fill out receipts.
I would like to assure you that these are all difficulties that will have to be faced, but I cannot, because there are truly fundamental problems that cannot be ignored. I'm talking about the eternal spirit of good neighborliness.
Every time you, God forbid, pour water on someone or throw them away garbage bag in the wrong place, or unwittingly disturb your neighbors with loud music, be prepared that your front door an indignant neighbor may come knocking and furiously attack you with threats of complaints and eviction. Excuses like: “Parents are not home right now” will no longer work. Now you are the mistress of the house and you will have to resolve all the troubles personally.
As a consolation, I will say that these problems are exclusively everyday problems and sooner or later everyone goes through them. Another, more significant issue deserves much more attention.
II. Parents and children
As experience shows, great difficulties arise not when you lead an independent life, but when you inform your parents of such an intention, since each family treats such things differently. It all depends on certain family values, outlook on life, upbringing and other social factors.
Some parents are firmly convinced that the child, upon reaching adulthood, should live separately in order to quickly comprehend the harsh realities of life. They themselves, most likely, began such a life early, and therefore try to instill similar concepts in their offspring.
Unfortunately, the percentage of such people is very, very small. There are many more of those who do not see the point in children living separately, and therefore any intentions for separation will be met with reluctance, and sometimes even with hostility.
Your task is to understand what type your parents are. If it's the former, then you may not need to do anything. Just when the time will come, they themselves will offer you to move to a new apartment.
If your parents belong to the second type, then you must not only explain to them the reason and expediency of your decision, but also convince them that you are sufficiently independent and capable of taking responsibility for your actions. Remember, they love you and are concerned about your life. Treat them with understanding and compassion. Explain to them that you want a separate life not because you are tired of them or you no longer love them as before, but because the time has come to take on some responsibility and become more mature. Try to understand them and maybe they can understand you.
III. Material support
If you intend to move away from your parents with the expectation that they will be responsible for accommodation, food and additional expenses, then such a decision can hardly be called serious and wealthy. Your maturity as a person is evidenced not by age, but by material independence.
It’s good if your parents are able to provide for you until you find a job, or if you plan to live with your boyfriend, but this is not always possible and before declaring independence, you need to make sure you are able to support yourself.
And remember, wherever you are, home you are always loved and expected.
Deya Consuelo
Discussion of the article “How to move away from your parents?”
Neima
Completely uninformative. How to rent an apartment? Underwater rocks? How much money should you save monthly? What will you need to buy when moving? In general, how to calculate whether I can afford it? What to consider in terms of future spending? How much money d.b. in reserve in case of force majeure?
The article is disgusting.
Duchch
Indeed, why is this significant percentage forced to live with their parents... when they reach the age of majority, they arrange housing, but they fucking refuse, apparently, they are lazy. pc no words
Some parents calmly accept their child’s desire to leave the nest, while others grab their hearts and defiantly drip valerian into a glass. In any case, you need to gather courage and inform your mother and father about your decision. If your parents belong to the second type, reassure them that you did not make this decision because you consider them boring and uninteresting people, and you are burdened Cohabitation. Assure worried relatives that you love them very much and will call and visit them regularly.
Counting expenses
Count your expenses and show your parents that you have enough money for everything and you will not die in poverty. The distribution of funds will help you understand what you can count on: an apartment or a room, whether you can look for housing in the center, or is it better to pay attention to inexpensive apartments in the periphery. Remember that, at a minimum, you should have money left over for rent, food, travel, and the purchase of household supplies. It is advisable that some amount be spent on clothing and entertainment. If your parents support your idea of moving, they may offer to help you financially at first until you get back on your feet.
Meeting roommates
If you are moving out from your parents with a loved one or planning to rent a place with friends, introduce your future roommates to your mother and father. They will be able to see who exactly will live with their precious child, and will probably be convinced that these are serious and responsible people who, in case of temporary difficulties, will not let you go to waste.
Studying home wisdom
Those young people who know how to cook and are not afraid to clean their room will obviously have some less problems. By at least, their parents will not worry that the child will die of hunger, unable to prepare a simple dinner. To those who, living with caring mother, did not bother yourself with household chores, you will have to learn household tricks. If you want your loved ones to feel calmer, start doing this even before moving. At the very least, mom and dad will make sure that you are not hopeless, and you can always ask them for advice if necessary.
Don't be afraid of the difficulties that may arise when moving. Perhaps the apartment will not be found right away, the father and mother will be upset and feel old and unnecessary, and the first self-cooked meals will burn. If you decide to live separately, be persistent, and then the desired move will come true.
If something is constantly bothering you or you are afraid to communicate with people, then I recommend paying attention to Denis Burkhaev’s webinars - and. Perhaps this will help you and you won’t have to spend money on many sessions with psychologists.
I do not consider options when a student leaves his parents for a university dormitory or his own apartment. Not everyone has this opportunity. This article discusses the option of renting an apartment.
Plan for moving from parents to a rented apartment
1. Write down the pros and cons of joint and separation with parents.
I shared my thoughts on this in an article.
Once you've written down the pros and cons, you'll likely realize that you really need to move out of your parents' home. It is important that you understand this for yourself.
2. Work through your fears and concerns.
If you are afraid that you won't be able to handle something on your own or that you won't have enough money, then write down your fears. Determine for yourself what you will do if you fail. Understand that if something goes wrong, you will simply move back to your parents.
3. Set aside a budget for 2-3 months of rent.
Use it to find out how much you need to earn per month to rent an apartment.
If you have a stable salary and you are confident that you can handle it, then you can skip the stage of allocating a budget.
If you don’t have money for rent, but want to move out from your parents, then you need to decide financial issue. There is no need to take out loans. Find a job or part-time job. For example, you can earn extra money on the KWORK website. There you can perform different tasks and receive at least 400 rubles for them.
Consider the option of renting not a whole apartment, but a room or part of a room.
If you have money, but you think that you won’t have enough for food, then count everything. Start saving so that it will last for a while.
Consider additional expenses: household chemicals, bed sheets, dishes, etc.
4. Think about what you will do after you move out.
You will need to earn money to pay rent for the apartment. Prepare for this. You need a source of income: work, business.
If you run out of money, you will have to move back to your parents.
5. Start looking for apartment options.
See advertisements, call landlords. Find an apartment that suits you and move. I wrote about how to find an apartment in an article.
6. Move your things.
If we talk about complete separation, and not just territorial separation from parents, then it is important to take into account the following points:
- Don't transport all your belongings. Take only the basic ones. It's better not to take the things your parents give you. Buy it for yourself.
- Do not call your parents when you don’t know how to cook food, wash things, or for other household issues. Figure it out for yourself.
This is due to the fact that when you take your parents’ things or ask them for help, they feel that you are still dependent on them, and complete separation does not occur.
Once you have done all these steps, you will move and other difficulties will begin. Do not give up! Re-read your list of pros and cons so you remember why you are doing all this.
You can find out how to prepare for separation psychologically and how to avoid common mistakes in the webinar by Denis Burkhaev -.
