Childish jealousy - small problems with big consequences. Childish jealousy - what is it? Is it possible to prevent child jealousy

What is childish jealousy and how does it manifest itself. What methods exist to prevent and reduce the child's uncontrollable feelings.

Every family with small children sooner or later faces the problem of jealousy in a child. Psychologists believe that children's jealousy arises from a lack of maternal attention and a lack of understanding by the baby of what is happening to him. Therefore, if these tasks are solved, then the manifestations of destructive feelings will significantly decrease.

The presented advice of experts will help to solve this problem and achieve harmonious relations in the family.

Children's jealousy: features of manifestation

In most cases, childhood jealousy occurs in children under 5 years of age. They compete with younger brothers and sisters, dad or stepfather, trying to attract maximum attention from their mother's side. And there is an explanation for this.

Up to 3 years, a mother is the most significant object for a child, providing care and love. Therefore, any third-party encroachment on maternal attention deprives him of a sense of comfort and security. As a result, a feeling of anxiety and fear develops, the desire to defend personal territory, which is accompanied by screaming and crying.

At the age of 3, the baby develops awareness of his own "I". He comprehends his desires and intentions, learns to consciously achieve his goal. At this age, childhood jealousy can develop into a category of manipulation.

Often, the mother is pleased when the baby is jealous of her, so she unconsciously reinforces this reaction of the child. And he, in turn, learns to achieve what he wants by manipulating maternal feelings.

Manifestations of childish jealousy are usually accompanied by such actions:

• whims, all kinds of whims that act as a means of fighting for the attention of the mother;
• aggression towards a second child or an adult who takes away maternal attention;
• constant reproaches that his mother does not love him enough, but loves the other more;
• isolation in oneself and actions contrary to parents;
• a negative reaction to the praise of other children or adults in his presence.

Very often children's jealousy arises to younger child, father or stepfather. Let's consider all these situations in more detail.

At the birth of a second child

The appearance of the youngest member of the family adds to the mother's trouble. As a result, the amount of time previously devoted to the firstborn is significantly reduced. He often blames his mother for the lack of attention and love for him. As a result, the older child develops a sense of rejection by the dearest person.

What should parents do in such a situation:

1. Catch a favorable moment. Children's jealousy is easier to prevent than to deal with it. To do this, you need to catch the moment when the child wants a brother or sister. Children closer to 4 years old have an unconscious desire to take care of someone. If the birth of a younger child coincides with this period, then the likelihood of developing jealousy is significantly reduced.
2. Teach your child to expect. It is advisable to prepare the child in advance for the birth of a baby. Explain that a baby is growing and developing in the tummy, which will soon be born. And from that time on, gradually instill care for the mother and the future family member. Then there will be three like-minded people in the family who will expect the birth of a second child.
3. Entrust the child to hold the newborn. This moment allows the older child to feel responsible for the baby, and to feel a special closeness. If the child is still too small, you can seat him on the sofa, and put the baby on his lap. At the same time, it is imperative to control the process and explain how to behave with a newborn.
4. Engage your child in caring for a newborn. Very often, an older child is jealous of a mother for a baby because babies require round-the-clock attention and care. Because of this, the first-born feels offended, because the parents cannot devote as much time to him as before. Jealousy towards the younger child can be eliminated if you make it clear to the older one that he is a full-fledged member of the family who is trusted with “adult” affairs: take diapers, give a bottle, look after the baby during sleep.
5. It is important to listen to your children. And if the older child gets tired of the chores for the younger one, then it is necessary to give him the opportunity to do his own thing: play with toys, watch cartoons or draw.
6. Be sure to talk to your child alone.. You need to find at least one hour every day to spend it together with your older child, read a fairy tale to him, play or just talk.
7. Preserve justice for children. As children grow up, there are various situations under which they interact. From time to time, screams or crying can be heard from the nursery. Most often, such circumstances arise in the weather, which cannot share the toy they need, quarrel for this reason, or even fight.
8. Do not immediately blame the firstborn because he's older. Sometimes it is enough to switch the attention of the kids to any other activity. And if you need to understand what is happening, then do it fairly, so as not to accuse the innocent in any way.
9. Don't compare children to each other. Circumstances that involve comparing children should be carefully avoided, especially in big family. Every child compares himself with his peers all the time, and being the last one in his family is a significant trauma for him. Therefore, parents should in every possible way refrain from comparisons, comparisons, and not evaluate one child above the rest.

To a new man

Because recent times Divorce statistics are on the rise remarriages also increases. And often harmonious relationship in new family do not add up because of children's jealousy of the stepfather.

It is important for both the mother and her new man to know what to do in order to form a positive relationship between the stepfather and the child:

1. Lay the foundation of friendliness and trust. It is necessary to thoroughly prepare for the first meeting of the child and the new man, to create a special atmosphere so that their acquaintance is friendly and trusting. Calm family evenings, field trips, trips to the zoo or to the attractions will help to cope with the likely stiffness.
2. explain to the child why mom needs a new relationship. For a child, the appearance of a new man in the house most often becomes a complete surprise, childish jealousy develops with various consequences. It is necessary to speak seriously and confidentially with the child that a person cannot be alone, and he definitely needs support and support.
3. Establish interaction. To become the head of the family, a new man will need quite a lot of time. The problems that appear will help to overcome the pronoun "we". You can involve the child in joint activities, help him in solving his children's issues.
4. Exclude negative emotions . The relationship between a stepfather and a child is a continuation of his relationship with his mother. A man must not forget that he is under supervision. The child should not hear harsh words, observe harsh facial expressions or an indifferent reaction.
5. Accept the child for who he is.. The relationship between the stepfather and the child will mainly depend on the relationship between the mother and the child. Do not remake and re-educate the child in your own way. The mother will still take the side of the child, and the balance in the relationship will be disturbed.
6. Do not fight for the love of a child with his own father. Over time, the child will understand everything, since the child's heart is very sensitive to the purity of thoughts.

To dad

Many children aged 1.5–3 years are jealous of their mother for their father. So children defend their own right to have the attention of their mother.

What to do if the child does not let dad to mom:

1. Under no circumstances should a child be abandoned.. It is better to prevent a tantrum and involve the child in fun game involving all three family members. During the game, you need to create conditions that show that the parents love the child, and at the same time each other, and no one is depriving anyone. A child introduced into the community of parents feels jealousy much less and it is not so destructive. Also, the child feels better connection with dad, which is important for the development of a healthy personality.
2. explain to the child that daddy takes too important place in family. Mom should gently and unobtrusively say that she loves both the child and dad equally, and belongs to both of them.
3. Cuddling with a child. It is impossible for dad to show coldness to mom, just because the child is jealous. Therefore, the baby can be attracted to the arms of the parents. This will prevent possible aggression.
4. One day a week to give to dad. So that dad, together with the child, went to the park, circus, and rides. Let the father feed the baby, put him to bed. This helps to reduce the spirit of competition and the emergence of interaction. Father and child have common interests, shared memories and topics for conversation.

How to react

Most parents are completely unprepared for any manifestations of childish jealousy, despite this they must be aware that all sensations are dictated by nature to man. In this regard, it is impossible to exclude the emotions that have arisen, which sometimes cannot be explained or controlled.

Childish jealousy is one of such healthy and natural feelings, so there is no need to be afraid of it.

Manifestations of jealousy in a child are due to the fact that the mother is the most main man at a certain stage of life. And you should not react violently to them, as parents can only exacerbate the problem.

Even with severe attacks of jealousy, when the first-born offends the youngest, takes away toys, tries in every possible way to harm him, one should not psychologically press the offender and punish him.

It is better to ensure the absolute safety of the younger by being constantly nearby. And with the older child, you need to talk confidentially and explain that the mother understands, accepts and loves him the way he is. And also hopes that he, too, will understand, accept and love little brother or sister.

The most important thing is to learn how to respond correctly to the expression of children's jealousy, it is unacceptable to ignore and prohibit it. The child is overcome by a hurricane of incomprehensible and uncontrollable feelings. Therefore, the goal of parents should be to teach the child to be aware of own feelings, not feel embarrassed and ashamed because of them, and further direct them in a positive direction.

A confidential conversation can help with this, during which it is necessary:

• try to explain to the baby what and why he feels;
• reassure the child, say that it is completely natural, and it will pass by itself;
• be sure to convince the baby that his mother loves him very much, and will always love him.
• At right approach the child will eventually be able to manage his own jealousy and accept all other family members.

According to experts, it makes no sense to fight jealousy, because the task is impossible. However, to reduce the serious consequences of this destructive feeling is main goal parents.

The following practical tips will help you accomplish this task:

1. First of all, you need to understand that children's jealousy is a mandatory component inner world child. Therefore, you can not scold or reproach the baby for the feelings shown, especially since they arose because of love for the mother. Instead, you need to try to defuse the situation - hug, smile, take a nap, tell the child about your love for him.
2. Manifestations of love. Psychologists have proven that for a comfortable mental well-being, a child, in addition to kisses in the morning and before bedtime, needs to receive at least eight hugs during the day. With a lack maternal love the child will seek it in all possible ways. He will certainly track how much attention is paid younger brother or sister, will be jealous of mom for friends, hobbies and work.
3. You have to leave that way of life, which was present in the child before the appearance of a new family member. However, you need to stick to the golden mean. Sometimes parents try to appease a child's jealousy with gifts and permission to do things that were not allowed before. Such behavior will not save from childish jealousy, but will enable the child to manipulate parents.
4. Every effort should be made to bring closer family members among themselves. Think over common affairs and joint rest.
5. Teach your child to talk about their emotions. Very often, children's jealousy becomes hidden. It is necessary to agree that if the child feels any dissatisfaction or injustice, he should report his concerns. True, most children do not dare to start such a conversation, for this they need help. The method of conversations is usually used - questions are asked and it gradually becomes clear whether everything is fine with the child, what he is worried about in given time and does not hide any internal resentment.

fairy tale therapy

This method helps to gently explain to the child what is really happening to him, and whether it is necessary to develop such a feeling within himself. In addition, the tale helps to find mutual language between an adult and a child. Since most of the time they speak different languages, moreover, problems with communication are noted precisely in an adult.

Fairy tale therapy is more effective than ordinary conversations. Fairy-tale heroes, analogies, metaphors and symbols help a child to open up, to understand an adult what is happening in a child's soul.

It is desirable that a psychologist or psychotherapist work with the child and parents. It is he who will be able to choose a fairy tale that best reproduces the situation, and form questions that contribute to solving the problem.

It is important to understand that jealousy is a stage of normal age-related personality formation. It is impossible to overcome children's jealousy, it can only be reduced by showing your love and care. It is important to confirm the words of love for a child in practice, and not to distinguish between older and younger.

Also great importance have joint classes and pastime. The more things the whole family does together, the more united and stronger it will be.

Video: Children's jealousy

Sibling rivalry

Born in a family new baby. And the first-born has to change the title of "The Only One" to a more modest "sister" or "elder brother". For a small, still largely insecure little man, this is a real disaster. It seems to the child that, having become a baby again, he will be able to "return everything." Although this is by no means the only manifestation of jealousy.
Myth 1. The biggest misconception of parents expecting a second baby is the belief that childhood jealousy can be avoided. To smooth, maybe, but that it was not at all, almost unbelievable.
"The manifestation of children's jealousy is a normal and healthy phenomenon. Jealousy arises from the fact that children love. If they are incapable of love, then they do not show jealousy," wrote Donald Woods Winnicott, a world-famous child psychiatrist and psychoanalyst. The child needs to be helped to avoid feelings of guilt for his jealousy, hostility towards the newborn. Don't act like you don't notice anything, rather talk about it and explain that you understand his feelings and won't scold him for jealousy, because you know that it will pass soon. Give your child "laurels on credit", praise him a lot and exaggeratedly. If you believe in you, you want to live up to expectations!The child must go through a feeling of jealousy, and the most difficult moment is when a "competitor" appeared in the house and the elder realized that it was for a long time. Jealousy may be stronger if the children are of the same sex or the older child is a boy. This is not surprising, because girls have a subconscious need to take care of the little one, which means that it is easier to involve them in caring for him. Over time, if parents help by smoothing over and forgiving rough moments, children will cope with their feelings and become devoted friends and support for each other.
Myth 2. The worst manifestation of jealousy is open aggression. An open manifestation of jealousy-aggression ("No sister, take her back!") Is not so bad, if you look at it. It is much more difficult to see and understand how the baby suffers when outwardly everything is fine. If the elder says that he loves the little one, but starts to get sick, for example, wake up at night and cry from fear or stealthily, when no one sees, under the guise of tenderness, he tries to hurt the younger one: bite under the guise of a kiss or strangle in an embrace. Watch the elder, perhaps he began to feel sad more often and study worse at school, or his long-forgotten diathesis suddenly intensified. He "asks" you if you love him like before. Try to explain to the child that with the advent of the second baby, another love is born into the world, and there is no need to share the one that already exists. If the difference between the children is small, the elder is still small, it is much more difficult for him to express that. what he feels. Most likely, the baby cannot understand his feelings at all and understand what is happening. You can talk to him about this topic in the spirit of active listening. "You are very angry with your little sister, you would even wish that she was gone again..." With pauses, giving the child, if not to speak out, then at least to realize his feelings. And after "listening", turn the emotions in a positive direction and in the process of talking, bring the baby to how his mother loves him. You can tell a story about a baby who had a sister, he thought that she would always be small, but she grew up and began to play with him, loved him very much. And although at first he was very angry, he thought that his mother did not love him anymore ... and so on.

Myth 3. You can avoid jealousy by preparing your child in advance. But sometimes the effect is just the opposite. Jealousy appears even during "preparation": the baby begins to demonstrate hyper-attachment to parents, does not leave mother's hands, constantly trying to attract attention to himself, declares that “I don’t need to lie”, You need to approach this issue very carefully, considering what exactly YOUR child is, what will suit him. In any case, if you decide to "cook", do not tell him that he will have a playmate. The kid will be very surprised to see a squeaking lump, instead of the same as him, a little one. Tell us what a newborn looks like, show photos where he himself was small, and then grew up and learned to sit, walk, etc. How much attention was paid to him, taught various wisdom, and now you will teach this to his brother or sister together. If you decide to give the elder to Kindergarten, transfer to another room, wean, etc., it is better to do this a few months before the appearance of a brother or sister.
Myth 4. You need to protect the younger from the older, so that out of jealousy he could not harm. Sometimes it is useful, on the contrary, to "protect" the big from the small, for example, to say three month old baby. "Don't pull your brother's hair, it hurts him!" (The elder will understand that you are also worried about him.) Take the elder "your own corner" where the younger cannot (without the permission of the owner), you should not insist that he give the little one his toys and bed, etc. "You don't play with those toys anymore!" Imagine if someone told you: "You don't read these books anymore, and you don't work at the computer now ... Let's give it away." It probably wouldn't be very nice. Respect the property and interests of each child. Tell the elder something like: "I forbade the little one to offend you, and you don't offend him either!" Don't rush to pass on to the younger one" sweet words", which used to belong to the elder: "baby", "my sun", "kitten". Better come up with new ones for the little man.
Myth 5. Everything should be divided equally between children; time, toys, kisses, etc. Usually this is almost impossible to achieve: the smallest, as a rule, is given more warmth and care. This happens on a subconscious level. Trying not to give preference to anyone, of course, is necessary. But this is not about consumer equality: five minutes for one means the same amount for another. It is important that the elder knows and has confirmation that his place in the hearts of his parents still belongs to him, so that he does not feel superfluous, deprived. Even if you are busy, keep in touch with your child. Loving look one of the main sources emotional eating. Squeeze and push him, hug him tight, tell a story. Quite often, some psychological role is imposed on a child in a family, this is especially dangerous when there are two children in a family, because the roles are never the same, they are different, even opposite: a hard worker and a lazy person, a merry fellow and a gloomy one, a pedant and a blunderer, a favorite and Cinderella. Try to avoid this, help the kids organize the games so that they change roles from time to time. The child needs time to realize his feelings. It happens that children are compared, emphasizing the shortcomings of one and the dignity of the other: "Take an example from your brother!", "Look what an obedient sister!" "This, of course, exacerbates the feeling of jealousy, hostility between children. And twins are not the same, and even more so ordinary brother and sister: different in appearance, temperament, reactions, interests. What is not difficult for one, grows into a problem for another. There is no point in comparing two different people. No matter how hard the child tries to fulfill his mother's strict order, not to sit with lessons for more than an hour, he is not able to do it. He needs an hour and a half, or even two hours for lessons. And it is useless to set as an example a brother who manages homework in half an hour. They have different temperaments.
Myth 6. If a child behaves badly, for example, harasses and offends his brother or sister, he should be punished. How often, when we are especially exhausted, we have problems at work, etc., children begin to behave very badly. And since a brother or sister is closest, the chaos grows like snowball. The first impulse: to punish the guilty, maybe even spank. But sometimes it's good to stop and ask yourself, "What does he mean by his behavior?" Usually the child asks eternal question: "Do you love me (still, now, after...)?" Ross Campbell, a child psychiatrist, wrote: "When one son begins to harass another, this is one of the first signals for me and my sweet wife that the emotional reservoir of children needs to be replenished." If, instead of satisfying the child's urgent need for love and attention, punish him, he is likely to behave even worse.

Myth 7. To be fair, you need to find out who is to blame (in a quarrel, fight, etc.), and then punish the bully. If the kids are fighting, stop them. It is not always worth trying to find out who is to blame for what happened, all the more so if someone is trying to sneak around. "And Masha said ... And Basya broke it ..." Hearing several times in response: "Well, she said, why complain? Broke, try to fix it together, and I'll come and see .. -" - the children will try to fix everything themselves. And you set an example of a compromise solution to the conflict. Teach the kids to play together and give them common assignments more often, even if only one held the rope, but praise both for the work done. Avoid punishing one child in the presence of another, it is better to smooth out the conflict. The older brother does not give the ball, the mother is in a hurry to help: "You can't give in to your little sister. Look how you waved and you don't understand. Don't cry, come to me, we won't give the ball to this nasty boy." Better say: “Watch how your brother throws the ball, don’t cry, he will teach you too. Will you teach? Don’t be capricious, otherwise how can you teach?”
Myth 8. Do everything together. More time alone with each of the children. Universal advice hardly exists here. You will have to try both and find out by experience what "acts" in your family, which extinguishes the feeling of jealousy between children. As they grow up, their interests differ more and more, so you don’t have to be afraid to enroll them in different circles, and sometimes spend time with each separately: go to a concert with one, and go to a football match with the other.

Myth 9. The pride of the first-born should be that he is the "eldest". Some children really really like to feel like "almost adults": "I can already ... and this is only for little ones" or "He still doesn't know how, but I help my mother." Therefore, sometimes it does not hurt to emphasize the benefits of age. But do not go too far, because the little ones are more taken care of, protected, and often the elder believes that his "adulthood" is the source of all misfortunes, if he were smaller, he would have been paid just as much attention. Let him be small sometimes, because no matter what behavior he shows you, he is still a child. Sometimes it is useful to talk about the small in such a modality as, for example, about a toy or a personal achievement of the elder, emphasizing that he has a sister ("What a good little sister Petya has"). Sooner or later, a sense of legitimate pride must spring up, and the child will feel that this is not so much his mother's daughter as his sister.
Myth 10. Grandmother, nanny or someone else can take care of the elder. Often grandmothers rush to help mothers, sometimes they even take them "to live with them until the little one grows up." At the same time, the older child "baths in attention," but on the other hand, feels cut off from the family, his uselessness. Such communication, as a rule, cannot compensate for the love and care of parents. When the child "returns to the family" you have to catch up. Sometimes the resulting gap can be very difficult to overcome. It is better to deal with problems together. With two children, you will need twice as much tact, patience and ingenuity, but you will also have twice as much joy and amazing discoveries.
Natalya Kulakova, teacher

Note to you
These books will help you learn more about childhood jealousy and perhaps suggest ways to smooth it over.
Leonidova B.L. "When there are two of them." M.: Knowledge, 1987. Sh Monina G., Lyutova E. "Problems small child". SPb., 2002.
Kline V. "How to prepare a child for life." M.-L., 1991.
Dolto F. "On the side of the child." M.: Agaf, St. Petersburg: 21st century, 1997.
Spock B. "The child and care for him." L., 1991.
According to the materials of the magazine "My child"

Afonaseva Natalia (NOTY) specially for website

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A family with two or more children is familiar with children's jealousy firsthand. Whatever the difference between the children - two years or ten, the older child will definitely find a reason to be jealous of the younger. Although psychologists and educators say that in order to avoid manifestations of jealousy, the child must certainly be prepared for the appearance of a baby in the house, this does not guarantee that the older child will not know this feeling. Parents will still face certain manifestations of jealousy.

My husband and I began to prepare our daughter for the appearance of her sister or brother from the beginning of pregnancy. We tried for 9 months not only to convey to her the idea that we will have another baby, but try to make it so that she would get used to this idea. Together they went shopping with their daughter, choosing a “dowry” for the baby. She liked to stroke her mother's tummy, listen to the baby move. The daughter was waiting for the appearance of her brother with the same impatience as we parents.

But as soon as a little man appeared in the house with whom I had to share my mother's attention, love and care, that feeling arose that my husband and I were very afraid of - feelings of childish jealousy. At first, she offered to everyone who came to visit us to take Vanechka with them. Breastfeeding the baby turned into a nightmare. The daughter began to throw tantrums demanding to put her brother in bed and not give him "tity". If he cried in the crib, then she tearfully asked not to take him in her arms. If my son was sitting on my lap, Sasha strove to climb onto my lap too. Moreover, no one deprived her of attention, on the contrary, seeing such a reaction from her daughter, they gave her a lot of it. We even had to go to a consultation with a psychologist, but the implementation of his recommendations did not work. Moreover, the daughter became whiny, excitable, there were problems with the psyche, which manifested themselves as onanic spasms. As a result, jealousy of younger brother took us to the neurologist's office. Both the psychologist and the neuropathologist did not see in our actions and principles of education negative factors. There was just a small difference in the age of the children - 2.5 years and my daughter was very attached to me. In addition, children at this age are owners to the marrow of their bones. Their main property is and will be mother .

After 7 months, from the date of the birth of the son, there were significant changes in the attitude of the daughter to the brother. She already normally perceives when I breastfeed him. Finally, we were able to explain to her that Vanya has no teeth yet, and he only knows how to eat his mother's “titya”. The same approach was used when explaining why mother is holding Vanechka in her arms - because her brother still cannot sit and walk. In giving such explanations, we have constantly emphasized that: “Sasha knows how to do it, but Vanya can’t”, “Sasha is a big girl, and Vanya a little boy”, “Sasha is smart, never cries, and Vanya cries, Vanya is still small” etc. Every toy in our house has an owner. This is either Sasha or Vanya. This is also very important to her. We never give toys to Sasha's son without her consent. If he accidentally crawls to her "wealth", loud screams and tears are inevitable. But if you ask to let Vanya play with her toys, she easily shares them. Naturally, at every opportunity we tell her that toys should be shared, one should not be greedy, etc. And also, despite the fact that her daughter is only three years old, she perfectly remembers those items of clothing that belonged to her for a year - one and a half ago. Here, too, you have to use cunning. Together with my daughter, we begin to look through her wardrobe. In order to “transfer for use” Vanya T-shirts, T-shirts and tights, from which Sasha has grown, one has to play a whole performance. The action begins with a fitting. I begin to complain about the fact that Sasha has grown so big that these things are already small for her. Action two. I ask her, what are we going to do with these things, throw them away or give them to Vanya? It's a shame to throw it away. And Sasha from the master's shoulder presents his T-shirts to his younger brother.

Someone may say that all this is nonsense, you should not sharpen the problem so much. He will grow up and there will be no trace of jealousy. Maybe. All children are different, and therefore situations are different. We are still seeing a neurologist with my daughter, once a month we invite a psychologist home. She watches her daughter, her behavior, the situations that arise in the process of communication between children. And already on the basis of the pattern of behavior and communication seen, the psychologist gives us recommendations and advice on how we should behave in this or that case. By the way, such home visits by a psychologist had a greater effect than consultations in the office. child in home environment behaves naturally and naturally, therefore it fully reveals its essence.

Children grow up, learn to communicate and contact with each other. We, parents, also learn to treat the problems and feelings of our children with understanding and love.

Comments:

Yes-ah-ah-ah! Little kids, little troubles. At one time we did not encounter such a problem, the difference between the children is 4 years. For that, there was a disaster when the eldest son, becoming an adult, decided to live separately with the girl. Here we have known jealousy younger son in full. He did not want to share the attention, care and love of his older brother with someone else. As time passed, he even began to communicate normally with this girl, but very jealously follows their communication when they come to visit us. It seems to him that the girl loves her brother less than he deserves. Here! And such is childish jealousy!

Children's jealousy very often outgrows and transforms into adult life. I have an example of two brothers, one of whom was my husband. So the jealousy of these adult foreheads extended not only to the parents and their attention and indulgence, but, oddly enough, to me! The constant rivalry in everything and the desire to become an informal leader simply did not allow them to live in peace! Here you go kids ;)

The topic of childhood jealousy is considered relevant when it comes to the relationship of brothers and sisters. Here it is obvious, clear, manifests itself dramatically and lasts a long time. It emotionally affects parents, so it’s simply impossible not to pay attention. Other cases of jealousy are not so noticeable, but they are nonetheless many. Children are jealous of mom to dad and vice versa. Jealous of both of them to work and friends. The grandmother is jealous of her other grandchildren, neighbors and grandchildren of these neighbors. They get jealous when a friend in the sandbox moves to another team of builders and when the teacher says too often: “Oh, what a good fellow Petya! You should all take a cue from him." Children are generally jealous. In general, even more jealous than adults - simply because of age egocentricity. They feel that they are part of any relationship between their close people (“If a grandmother praises someone else’s child, then she doesn’t like me,” “if mom comes home late from work, it means she’s better there than with me”), but they still don’t know how to take the situation logically. Parents who do not pay attention to such “nonsense”, believing that everything will pass by itself with age, do big mistake. Their children become very jealous adults, suffering from their own feelings and haunting others.

vital feeling

Jealousy refers to negative emotions, but in reality it is simply necessary. Its primary function is self-preservation. Creatures weak, vulnerable must feel the loss of attention to themselves and return it in order to ensure their survival. That is why manifestations of jealousy can be observed in very early age: if a mother starts talking on the phone while breastfeeding, the baby is already starting to get nervous. Dissatisfaction is even greater if someone from the family enters the room. Some children even refuse to eat and cry, wanting their mother to stop all extraneous activities. Growing up a little, they begin to make sure that mom and dad are not too “carried away” by communicating with each other, they can stop attempts to hug, kiss, sometimes they don’t even allow them to hold hands, invariably standing between their parents. "I'm here - take care of me. Because I am small, weak, in need of continuous care. You never know what can happen while you are looking at each other here ”- this is approximately the message of the zealous behavior of young children. Of course, getting older, everyone understands perfectly well: nothing bad will happen if attention loved one will be lost for a while. Neither mom nor dad will forget about their parental responsibilities, even if in this moment they are passionate about work or socializing with friends. But jealousy still remains - to a greater or lesser extent - and persists for life. Why is it necessary for adult independent people who do not need guardianship at all? To maintain one's position, to provide social security. Feeling jealous, we understand that something is wrong in our communication, we strive to figure it out and fix everything.

“I myself am very jealous, and my son is the same. “That's it, Maxim is no longer my friend: today he played cars with Misha, but they didn’t invite me. I won't talk to him tomorrow." It hurts me the most when I hear that from him. But I already know that just jealousy in itself does not give anything. "Come up with new game and invite them to play together tomorrow, then everyone will be interested. The next day, the child was just happy: “Mom, we played together all day!”. “You see,” I told him, “and you were going to be offended all day.” Galina, Leva's mother

What does jealousy look like?

The behavior of a child in a state of jealousy can be very different - depending on his character, family relationships, situation. Some children do not do anything in particular, but begin to behave fussyly: they walk around, rearrange objects, open and close doors, start looking for some toys. “I don’t understand anything,” my mother says, “he just calmly worked on the designer, so I decided to call you. Well, let's talk another time - I'll go see what he rustles there. Mom enters the room, and a minute later the child sits down again and is engaged in the designer. AT this case the feeling of jealousy was not very pronounced - just at the level of anxiety. In this state, a person (both an adult and a child) simply looks and listens, and does not seek to attract full attention.

“We often go to the doctor with little Masha all three of us - the eldest child is also at home. I’m just starting to talk about Masha - how she sleeps, what she eats, how she holds her head, - Pavlik immediately interrupts. Once I took him an album and pencils, so as not to interfere with the conversation. Exactly a minute he sat quietly and drew, and then how he screams: “Mom, look, I drew how I pee in a flower bed!” The doctor laughed, and I was terribly ashamed. I had to justify myself and explain that this was a joke. Surely everyone thought that the child did not know how to behave. Elena, mother of Pavel and Masha

Sometimes a significant component of jealousy is resentment, and in this case the child closes, becomes depressed, sad. Five-year-old Ksenia was very happy when a neighbor girl began to come to their house: her grandmother agreed to look after her sometimes. However, within a week these visits began to bring more problems than joy. The girl did not play with Ksyusha, but she had fun with her grandmother with might and main: she taught grandmother's songs to dictation on French, played with her in two hands on the piano. " Wonder child You can envy her parents. Really, Ksyusha? Grandma said one evening. But Ksyusha did not hear: she had been sitting in the closet for an hour already, weaving a braid from scarves and imagining how upset her grandmother would be when she discovered that her own granddaughter was not in the house. How she would regret spending time on someone else's child, while her own was suffering so much. How he will repent, and how he will cry, and how he will look for his beloved granddaughter until the very night. Grandmother found Ksyusha quickly (the closet had been a favorite place for offended children since her own childhood), but she nevertheless understood her mistake. She told Ksyusha that she loved her more than anyone in the world and that no, even the most talented girls could replace her.

When jealousy is strong feeling, with which the child cannot cope on his own, he strives to do something unusual, something that will surely attract attention (on purpose he will scatter toys, climb into the mud, hit his sister). Because even punishment for misconduct is better than indifference!

Learning to be jealous

Parents definitely need to learn to "see" jealousy, understand it from the behavior of the child and find the cause. But then this reason must be - no, not eradicated, but preserved! If we exclude all situations of jealousy, then in the future it will only be harder for the child, because he will still have to face it in life.

"I am the one and only long-awaited child in family. To the question "What is the name of the daughter?" my parents didn’t just say my name, but always added: “Because she is our best gift". The attitude was exactly the same - as a jewel. But I realized this only at the age of six, and before that I had nothing to compare with. I heard only compliments and praise, did only what I liked. My preschool education was at home, and before school they began to take me to a training group. I was shocked... by everything! From the fact that the teacher praises other children, from the fact that they make comments to me, from the fact that the boy with whom I sat for the first week asked the teacher to transplant him (he said that I was fat and took up a lot of space). I cried all day and decided not to go anywhere else at all. Thanks to the teacher - she understood what the problem was and helped me get used to the team. To be honest, even now, at thirty, I am very worried if I do not feel attention. On the one hand, this makes me constantly improve, achieve something, and also work on my character, on the other hand, I continue to suffer from jealousy. I will try very hard to make my daughter have a correct perception of life. You can’t think that the world revolves only around you.” Darina, Anya's mother

The situation of the manifestation of jealousy by the child should be treated calmly. However, it is worth bearing in mind the emotionality of children and the fact that their self-esteem is up to school age almost completely dependent on adults. That is, the child really feels bad when he hears how close people admire someone else. What to do? Immediately say something good about him, in the form of a positive comparison, his expectations associated with him (“Olya, when she grows up, she will also study well - she is still very inquisitive”). Sometimes, if you see that a child is having a hard time coping with feelings, you need to talk, kindly and frankly. “I know you think we love our brother more. In fact, it is just very small and cannot live without us at all. When you were like that, we spent even more time with you.” But the main thing is to show more often warm feelings, both about (praise for success, for the ability to behave well), and without it (stroking, touching, calling affectionate names express admiration, give compliments).

The most unpleasant manifestation of jealousy is aggression. Moreover, sometimes it is not aimed at the object that caused jealousy. A child every morning in the kindergarten starts with a fight, throws toys, tears other people's drawings. At home, he behaves calmly and benevolently. Team problem? Not necessary. Perhaps at home he is simply not allowed to show discontent or is too insistently urged to love. little brother or sister.

Children's jealousy is a frequent guest in families with two or more children.

Even if the child is alone, he still experiences this feeling, for example, a jealous mother for his father, or vice versa.

Well, when a stepfather or stepmother appears in the family, this problem is inevitable.

How to deal with manifestations of jealousy in children? This will be discussed in this article.

Why are children jealous of their parents for younger brothers and sisters or for each other?

Jealousy is nothing but the fear of dislike. The kid is afraid that he will no longer be loved so much. Because of this, he is offended and jealous.

With the advent of a new family member, the child feels bewildered.

He does not understand what to do now that he has a "competitor". And does this mean that mom or dad, or even both at once, suddenly stopped loving him?

If you do not pay attention to this problem at the very beginning, then the child’s bewilderment sometimes develops into hostility towards a new relative and a desire to get rid of him, and if it doesn’t work out, then at least get attention to himself. At the same time, any means are used: from pranks and the habit of doing out of spite to simulating a serious illness.

Never put a child before a fact. Before the appearance of a new family member, explain to him that, despite the appearance of a newcomer in the house, they will not stop loving him. In this case, manifestations of jealousy may be avoided.

The reasons

The causes of children's jealousy are divided into two types:

• External - not dependent on the child.
• Internal - formed taking into account the characteristics of the character, upbringing or health of the baby.

External causes occurring in the family or in the life of the child, due to which he is deprived of some of his privileges. These include:

• birth little brother or sisters;
• Start life together one parent with a new chosen one;
• the appearance in a group or in a class where the child is studying, new pupils or students.

It is hard for a child to come to terms with the appearance of stepbrothers and sisters, which happens when a mother or father remarries a person who has their own children. In this case, the child decides that those other children receive more parental attention and love, even if this is not the case.

A child may be jealous of a father or mother for their work. He does not understand why his parents devote so much time and attention to this incomprehensible "work", and thinks that they are "stealing" them from him.

Internal causes of children's jealousy:

• Egocentrism. Children under 10-12 years old consider themselves the center of the universe, therefore, when new member families, they are simply not ready to share with him the attention, care and parental love that used to belong to them alone.
• Responsiveness. It occurs when the baby is deprived of attention, which he regards as an injustice towards himself. This causes a stormy protest on his part.
• Inability to express feelings. When the baby still does not know how to express the feeling of love in words or deeds, he often attracts the attention of his parents to himself with defiant behavior or resentment, and this is also one of the manifestations of his jealousy towards them.
• Unwillingness to take responsibility. It happens when, after the appearance of a new baby, the child perceives “seniority” not as a privilege, but as a burden and infringement of his own rights.
• Increased anxiety. The child doubts himself and that he is worthy of love, because of which he worries and worries all the time. Whatever happens in the family or in life, for everything he will find explanations that are far from the real reasons for what happened, but invariably connected with the child himself and with his shortcomings, and, as a rule, far-fetched.
• Creating Competition. This is not without parental intervention. They compare the child with other children, and this comparison is not in his favor. This spoils the relationship between the siblings, causing them to hate each other.
• Feeling helpless. It occurs in children who see that changes are taking place in the family, but cannot influence their outcome.

Main features

• Aggressiveness. It manifests itself in the desire to hurt the “competitor”: hit, push, pinch, and sometimes with the help of fists make it clear “who is the boss in the house”. At the same time, psychological pressure is also not uncommon: a child can offend, call names, talk over or persuade a “competitor” to do a bad deed, and then set him up.
• Hyperactivity. In the event that before calm child suddenly began to show immoderate activity, his parents should think about the reasons for this behavior of the baby, since it can also indicate his jealousy.
• Neurotic reactions. In some children, who are distinguished by sensitivity, the manifestation of jealousy is sometimes not behavior, but reactions from the side. nervous system. For example: hysteria, stuttering, nervous tic.

It happens that a child experiences a feeling of jealousy inside, not taking it out “on public view". But the absence of visible manifestations at the same time does not at all mean that this problem does not exist.

In this case, the signs of childish jealousy are:

• Anxiety. It is manifested by sleep disturbances, problems with digestive system, change taste preferences, the emergence of fears and the deterioration of academic performance in schoolchildren.
• Mood change. If suddenly a cheerful and active child before became sad and began to constantly cry, this may mean that he is experiencing stress caused by jealousy.
• lack of independence. Sometimes older children “unlearn” with the appearance of a younger brother or sister to do what they knew how to do before. The child is likened to a baby, because he thinks that in this case he will receive as much parental attention as his brother or sister.
• Health problems. Due to stress, the child often gets sick, he has no visible reasons exacerbated chronic diseases.

Sometimes children use simulation or even trauma to draw attention to themselves, thus blackmailing their parents.

How to deal with jealousy

Jealousy is a destructive feeling in the first place for the jealous person himself.

In addition, children's jealousy intensifies the situation in the family and sometimes causes quarrels between children, their parents or other relatives.

Below will be considered ways to deal with three types of jealousy: to a younger brother or sister; to a father or mother; to a stepfather or stepmother.

All of these types have their own characteristics related to what caused jealousy, and each of them requires a special approach.

To the youngest child

When a second baby appears in the family, a problem arises due to its increase: the reaction of the older child to the birth of the youngest.

What to do in this case?

• You can’t give the firstborn a reason to think that the newborn baby is his rival in the fight for parental love. Parents should convey to him the idea of ​​the inevitability of the appearance younger child. You can’t ask the first-born: “Do you want a brother or sister?”, But you just need to put him before the fact. Then the older child will think that this is how it is necessary for a second baby to appear in the family and will perceive his appearance as an inevitable given.
• It is necessary to explain to the older child that the parents will not stop loving him and that the appearance of the baby will not change anything in the attitude of mom and dad towards him.
• Parents need to prepare their son or daughter to take care of the baby when he was not yet born, and say that they will certainly need the help of an older child in caring for a newborn baby.
• To avoid jealousy of the elder to the younger, after the birth of the second baby, you can not say: "I love you equally." Each of the children must be treated in a special way - as if he were the only one in the family.

The older the first child, the easier it is for him to accept both temporary deprivation and parental explanations about the appearance of a second baby in the family. At proper preparation such a child has a minimum of problems with jealousy for the upcoming event or they do not appear at all.

When children grow up in a family with big difference aged, it is important to avoid two extremes:

• Increased attention given to only one child. In this case, parents may face pronounced jealousy from another son or daughter.
• Demand that the firstborn take care of the youngest. At the same time, dad and mom should remember that the eldest is also a child who needs parental attention and care. You can involve the firstborn in the care of the baby and household chores, but you can not deprive him of his own life.

Parents should gratefully accept the help of the eldest of the children and invariably praise him for it.

To one of the parents

It happens that even without the appearance of a younger child in the family, childish jealousy cannot be avoided. The eldest of the children is not ready to share the love and care of mom and dad or vice versa, which is why he is jealous of one parent to another.

Ways to avoid jealousy of one of the parents:

• Talk to the baby and explain to him that love for him and love of parents for each other are different feelings that do not replace one another. And that the love and attention of dad or mom is enough for all family members.
• If, when showing feelings from the other parent, the child is naughty or, worse than that, throws a tantrum, in no case should you move away from your husband or wife and run to calm the baby. Try to involve him in the process: for example, offer your husband and child at the same time or take turns kissing you or hugging them both yourself.
• Abstraction. In the event that no persuasion and tricks work, and the child continues to scream and cry, it is necessary to divert his attention and, if necessary, take him to another room. And only after he calms down, it will be possible to discuss the reasons for the hysteria with him.

To a new dad or mom

If people who already have children get married, the problem of jealousy for the new chosen one of mom or dad is almost inevitable.

Due to the fact that the father and mother have different functions in the family, the attitude of children towards new adult family members is built differently depending on who came to the family: stepfather or stepmother.

First, consider the situation when the child has a new mother.

To avoid the manifestation of jealousy of the husband's children, you must be guided by the following rules:

• A new mother needs to be prepared for the fact that the spouse's children will react negatively to her appearance in the family.
• You can’t immediately show dissatisfaction with the behavior of your husband’s children or, moreover, scold them for it. First you need to gain their respect and sympathy by caring for them and showing them attention.
• New mom is expected constant comparisons with the mother of the child. Most often, these comparisons are not in favor of the stepmother. In this case, she just needs to be patient. similar situation. After a while, her relationship with her husband's children will become more trusting. In the meantime, the new mother should make it clear to her husband's child that she is not an enemy, but an ally and, perhaps, even a friend.
• The child probably dreams of being native mother, if she is alive, returned to the family. He may be aggressive towards his father's new wife, be rude to her, or simply disregard her. In this case, it is worth telling the spouse about the behavior of his son or daughter, but at the same time it is unacceptable to blame the child or his real mother.
• If the husband's child "entered the warpath" - complains to his father new mother, provokes her or snaps, and sometimes attracts other relatives to her side, in no case should one succumb to these provocations. You need to show the child that his plan to expose the stepmother in a disadvantageous light has been unraveled, but no retaliatory action should be taken. You can not transfer the negative from the actions of the child to her husband or spoil relations with other relatives. This will not solve, but only exacerbate the problem.

Mother and father, not only in words, but also in deeds, need to make it clear to the child that their marriage is unshakable, and no provocations on his part will destroy the family.

A different situation develops if the family comes new dad.

Children sometimes feel not just dislike for their stepfather, but real hatred: after all, he “stole” their mother, and they cannot forgive their mother for “betrayal”. In this case, you must use all possible ways in order to build relationships with children, such as:

• To convey to the child the idea that every person has the right to love and be loved. It is necessary to explain to the children that mother's love is enough for them and for her new husband.
• You cannot allow yourself to be manipulated. It is necessary to stop all attempts to make the mother feel guilty. The child must learn for the rest of his life that blackmail is unacceptable under any circumstances.
• It is necessary to pay attention to a son or daughter for at least an hour a day. Let it be a time that belongs only to the mother and to him or her: for example, the tradition of talking heart to heart before going to bed. Otherwise, the emotional losses of the child will be prohibitive.
• You should not discuss the family situation too often, showing excessive concern that the child and his new dad become friends. Usually this happens by itself.

How older child, the more time it may take for him to recognize the new adult in the family as “his”.

Children's jealousy arises from the fact that the child is afraid of losing the world familiar to him, where he is loved and cherished. You can not ignore the manifestations of childish jealousy: you need to notice them in time and deal with them. It should be remembered that the jealousy of children is those feelings and emotions that can stay with them for life and greatly complicate it in the future.