Out of control child. How to teach yourself not to yell at a child? Controlling our emotions

Water temperature during hardening

Contrary to popular belief, hardening does not require a low temperature. It requires temperature contrast. Cold causes blood vessels to constrict, heat causes them to dilate. And the main thing in hardening is the training of blood vessels.

Emotionality is not a bad character trait at all. But it still becomes an obstacle to normal communication with others if the child reacts violently to any trifle and falls into a rage or tears. How to teach a child to develop self-control and the ability to control himself?

Many children are naturally very emotional. They may sob at the unwelcome ending of a cartoon or squeal with delight at the sight of a cute dog. This in itself is not bad. But such kids, alas, do not take root well in the team. Stormy emotions are still forgivable in kindergarten, but as soon as a child goes to school and behaves there as impulsively, the glory of “strange” is assigned to him among his classmates.

Expressive children always have many conflicts with their peers simply because they cannot restrain themselves in time and ignore some kind of joke or action. Such girls are usually called "crybabies", and boys are considered aggressive. Although neither one nor the other can be called the truth, because the whole thing is just a quick temper and impressionability. So how do you teach your child to control himself in public?

"Good" and "Bad"

Try to clearly and distinctly explain to the child which manifestations of emotions in public are considered appropriate, and which ones are already indecent. You can clap your hands softly when you are happy about something, but you can’t shout, even if it’s a cry of delight. You can express your dissatisfaction with someone's act by saying it calmly, but you can't wave your arms and cry. Of course, words alone are not enough.

The main job of parents is to find good examples from the surrounding world. When watching cartoons, pay attention to overly emotional characters and say that their behavior from the outside looks stupid and ugly - the baby will surely agree with this. Also point out the expressive reactions of passers-by and discuss with your child why their actions seem repulsive. Speak directly when assessing someone else's behavior: “Is it possible to shout like that? I would very much not want you and me to look the same in the eyes of other people.

Control and encouragement

Monitor the situation of the child's emotional behavior at each possible case. Don't wait until the conflict is over to make a remark at home, but approach the baby right on the playground and gently express your disapproving position. This is necessary not in order to arouse a feeling of guilt in him, but in order for him to understand what kind of expression of emotions is unacceptable. Subsequently, in home environment, talk about the incident again, so that there are no misunderstandings.

In this case, the rule works in both directions, that is, when pulling for bad behavior there should be encouragement for good. If you notice that your emotional baby restrained himself and kept calm in a difficult situation for him - reward him affectionate words.

Also, in order to maintain emotional balance, come up with activities during which the child can purposefully throw out all the accumulated feelings. Pillow fight, active games on sports ground, home theater - anything, if only the kid could show the most different emotions knowing that it will be appropriate.

Control... yourself

It is no secret that the main role model for every child is his parents. Therefore, if it seems to you that your child does not always adequately respond to little things, ask yourself - do you always remain calm? Think over in your mind situations when you yourself responded abruptly to not too good service or got angry because of bad weather outside the window. It is likely that the baby responds violently to everything that happens simply because he takes it as the norm, because mom and dad do the same.

So, if your child is too emotional, behave with him with more restraint, trying to become a model for him. On different examples show positive and negative behavior from the point of view of expression, and also analyze situations that you have witnessed. Pull the baby for excessive emotionality, not allowing the conflict to flare up. And finally, do not forget to praise him for his endurance and self-control.

How to teach a child to express emotions and restrain aggression? It is easy for an adult to understand what it means to "hold back emotions."

Few people are pleased to communicate with an annoyed boss, but no one will allow themselves to give that slap in the face.

And it's a damn shame when the last size stylish blouse taken away from under the nose in the midst of a sale. But this is not a reason to fall to the floor and fill it with burning tears.

Life in society imposes a lot of restrictions, including the expression of one's emotions. As we grow older, we become stronger emotionally and learn to restrain anger and other negative impulses. But how do you explain this to children?

How can I help my child express emotions correctly? How to explain that yelling at the whole store is uncivilized, and telling your parents “I hate you!” Does it mean to offend them to the core?

It is very important to teach the child to control emotions in time, and then it will be possible to avoid problems in his adult life.

Sometimes clumsily educated boys turn into infantile men stomping their feet “I want and I will!” and waving their fists for no reason.

1. First of all, you need to constantly explain to the child his feelings.. Sometimes he himself does not understand what he feels. The task of an adult is to sort out the emotions of the baby.

Situation:
The child was promised to go to the Zoo, but dad was called to work, and family holiday cancelled. Your child scattered toys, pushed dad, burst into tears, spewed out a lot of curses picked up on TV, slammed the door and left you in a stupor.

You need to approach the child and just talk. The words of the parents are something like this: “Are you probably very upset that you won’t go to see the animals? You really wanted to see the hippopotamus and missed your dad, but everything was canceled, and now you're angry?

Are you just furious that they promised you and didn't keep the promise? Do you feel cheated, betrayed by your own parents?

The child will compare sensations and agree with you. And when he begins to better understand his emotions, he will even be able to object if you went too far.

“No, I’m not furious, I’m just sad that dad left for the day off again, and I’m jealous of his work.”

2. Also, the parent is obliged to explain to the child that he hurts the feelings of other people.. When we have dealt with what the child himself feels, we move on to what others feel.

Let's go back to the canceled trip to the Zoo. To teach your child to restrain aggression, explain your experiences and emotions to him: “What you said to mom and dad when you got angry was very hurtful and sad to hear.

It was very unpleasant and painful for me and dad when you said that you hated us. After all, we love you very much, and hatred is a very bad feeling.

When you tell people bad words you're hurting them a lot."

3. It is necessary to teach the child to speak about his emotions without hesitation, to encourage, stimulate communication about the inner and sore.

Sometimes a sincere conversation works wonders, women are familiar with this.

If the child does not have the opportunity to talk about his pain and annoyance, he will throw it out in a different way - he will push the offender, break the toy, bite his mother, and so on.

Often innocent people suffer as a result. For example, if a child hits a toy because of his own awkwardness, he, realizing that he cannot harm the toy, most likely will approach another child or relative and hit him.

Or another situation: absolutely Small child out of curiosity, he grabbed the older one by the nose, it didn’t hurt, but he got scared.

Parents, not seeing the problem, did not react in any way, did not talk with the older baby, did not regret it. And then, without expressing emotions now and harboring resentment, after half an hour he approaches the younger one and beats him without regret.

And this is perceived by the mother as groundless aggression, while the “victim” has every reason for revenge.

4. Teach your child to splash out negative emotions without causing damage - moral and material. Partly, this is emotional development child.

Tell him that being angry is, in general, normal. But you need to splash out the negative in “cultural” ways.

You can go out onto the balcony and shout loudly about your feelings: “Aaaaaa! I really wanted to go to the Zoo! I won't see a giraffe! I'm offended!"

Instead of screaming, you can teach him to abruptly switch to a whisper and whisper about his displeasure. You can tear paper, scatter Stuffed Toys, crumple newspapers, stomp, clap, jump.

Someone likes to furiously spray flowers with a spray bottle.

But never let him hit younger offenders, push parents and break toys. And, most importantly, you yourself should be an example for him and not arrange violent family showdowns with breaking dishes.

5. Never pass by an upset child. Always ask who offended him and what happened - in kindergarten, at school, on the sports ground.

Discuss contentious issues, give advice and teach to forgive instead of looking for the guilty.

Nothing helps to cope with aggression and resolve internal problems like the sincere participation of caring loved ones. This is what can teach a child to control their emotions.

At some point, parents notice that their child is completely out of control. This can happen at three years old, and at five, or even at nine. It is difficult to endure whims, tantrums and other manifestations of disobedience. Few of the fathers and mothers are ready to endure this. How to explain the uncontrollable behavior of the child and what to do with it? Find the answers in our article.

View from the outside

What is an out-of-control child? This is a child who does not fulfill the requirements and rules of the parents, who does not obey them.

Let's remember what the uncontrollable behavior of a child looks like from the outside. For example, imagine that a child is rushing like a tornado through a children's psychological center. It seems that he is in several places at the same time. He climbs everywhere, touches everything, pulls, pulls, turns to those he meets, without waiting for an answer. When grabbing valuable items and receiving comments, it reacts inadequately, aggressively, rushes into a fight or brushes it off and rushes on, threatening to break and break something. In such situations, mothers are usually completely at a loss: they don’t want to be heartless and cruel towards the child, but they can’t do anything to stop the mess.

It happens that the child seems to have calmed down, showed obedience, but after a while everything becomes the same again: the baby does not obey, others are dissatisfied, parents are in shock.

And it happens that children behave quite quietly and peacefully at school or at a party, but at home they turn into real hooligans and practically kill the whole family with their behavior.

What could be the reason for such demonstrative behavior?

Consider the reasons

The causes of children's uncontrollability are different:

1. Congenital features of development (psychophysiological). Specialists most often point to hyperkinetic syndrome, which is expressed in excessive involuntary movements. This pathology manifests itself in the form of behavioral disorders. Unfortunately, in such cases, parents do not always rush to the doctor, although in this case treatment is simply necessary.
2. age crisis. If you notice that the child regularly, does not obey at all, and reacts to comments with hysteria, then most likely the reason for his uncontrollability is age crises(from one to three, six to seven years, adolescence). crises associated with age characteristics occur in all normal children. Reacting to events in your life with tantrums and whims (in younger age), stubbornness and laziness (at an older age), the child grows and learns the world, discovering its new understanding, realizing the limits of permissibility. During these periods, parents just need to be more attentive to their children.
3. Unhappy child. Internal trouble can cause uncontrollability of the child. In this case, the child's behavior, which is difficult to control, is the child's cry for help. By his behavior, the little rebel demonstrates to adults that he has problems.
4. Misbehavior of parents. Parents who do not have enough pedagogical knowledge and experience may behave incorrectly towards a rebellious child: provoke him, encourage whims, etc. A child is not born bad. He just behaves the way his parents allow him to. The behavior of the child is affected by whether we allow or forbid, allow or restrict, whether we are attentive to him or indifferent.

“It might be helpful. Parents' confidence in their actions and consistency in the requirements for the child, a clear idea of ​​​​what is possible and what is impossible is the key to obedience and adequate behavior.

Most often, it is the pedagogical illiteracy of parents, their unwillingness to devote time to raising a child, that underlies children's uncontrollability.

What to do about hyperactivity?

It happens that the reason for the uncontrollability of the child lies in his hyperactivity. For a child with increased activity, the state of uncontrollability is a common thing. Such children, even with all their desire, cannot restrain themselves.

What to do with hyperactivity?

1. We study the issue of hyperactivity. First, parents should understand this issue by learning what behaviors are inherent in hyperactive children. Such children differ from ordinary ones in too free behavior, disobedience. They do not respond to prohibitions and requests, and also do not know how to control emotions and desires. These characteristics are the basis of their restlessness, contradictions and fears. Being in constant logical stress causes emotional damage to the child, which makes both the baby and his parents feel bad.
2. We show calmness. Remember what breeds aggression. If you do not restrain yourself in relation to the child, you will not be able to agree with him, but only exacerbate the scandal. Restrain emotions (after all, we are adults), be consistent in actions and decisions. Seeing your calm behavior, the baby will cry and calm down.
3. We introduce a clear daily routine. Hyperactive children need to be busy all the time. Make a small bright poster with the schedule of the day and place it in the child's field of view. Decide how much time you have for each activity. Don't forget to remind him of his responsibilities.
4. Let's go to sports. The best way find a use for excess energy hyperactive child- write it down sports section. The child should like to play sports. In the process of training, he will not only throw out negative energy and accumulated aggression, but also learn to observe discipline.

If none of the described methods helps or is not suitable, it is better to consult a psychologist or doctor: the cause of uncontrollability may lie in congenital disease brain.

Parenting patterns

“Do you know that there are no uncontrollable children, but there are parents who cannot cope with their child?”

When the baby grows up, he begins to fight for attention to himself, for. Most often this happens in the form of various protests against guardianship and supervision, demands, strictness, or, conversely, the indifference of parents. These patterns of parental behavior only stimulate the insubordination of children and develop their moodiness.

One of the most common causes of uncontrolled and demonstrative behavior child, is insufficient attention parents. The fact that parents do not pay attention to the child or do not spend enough time with him may encourage him to behave inappropriately. For children, there is nothing worse than indifference. So they are trying to get attention.

Problems arise in those families where father and mother are inconsistent in their requirements: they do not keep their promises; today they allow, and tomorrow they allow; dad says one thing, mom says the exact opposite, and grandmother says the third. A child from such a family will easily manipulate adults, arranging whole performances. Parents must agree on a common upbringing tactic, decide what is allowed for a child and what is not, and outline the boundaries of what is allowed.

"Advice. An adult must remember that he is the main initiator of building relationships with a child.

Sorry mom

So sorry for those parents who can not cope with out of control child. Often you can hear unpleasant words addressed to the mother little fidget. Others consider such mothers indifferent to education own child, unable to influence him, to calm him down, to explain the rules of behavior. It's easy to say that: it's someone else's child. It is difficult for others to put themselves in the place of the mother. And having put - you can feel only insane tension, fatigue, despair.

Depending on the psychological characteristics mother, she may perceive an unruly child in different ways. One of them will react to stress with protective inhibition, outwardly showing indifference, but inside - very worried. The other mother, on the contrary, will control every step of the tomboy, feeling annoyed and showing irritability. Both styles are far from the best options.

When a mother is ashamed of her child's violent behavior, this is sure sign. She is aware of the problem, trying to find a way out of it, looking for reasons in herself. If the mother justifies the child in everything, no matter what he does, blaming educators, teachers, children and other environment in existing problems, then she inadequately perceives the situation. Such a mother has a distorted idea of social norms behavior, she is not able to change the situation for the better. This mother will easily inspire the child with the idea of ​​the hostility of the world, sowing fears in his soul. And hyperactive children already have increased anxiety.

In any case, others should be sympathetic to a mother who has such a problematic child, because this is not an easy test. AND the best option The beginning of the entrance from the problem for the mother should be love for the child, however, not thoughtless, but aimed at positive upbringing.

What to do if the child is out of control

In most cases, uncontrollable behavior can be controlled, albeit with difficulty. Let's see what can be done at each specific age:

1.5-2 years. Better right from the start early childhood make a list of your requirements for the child and monitor their implementation. At this age, the child can be influenced by any method that works: distraction with a bright toy or sweets, interesting game. , does not remove toys - this will continue until you change his attitude towards these matters. Remember: you do not depend on the baby, but he depends on you. For kids, the rule of “absolute prohibition” should work, which must be strictly observed. For example, in no case should you approach the stove or iron.

3-4 years. At this age, the baby learns to be independent, he wants to do everything himself. Children explore what is possible and what is not. If they behave well, their parents approve with smiles. If not, no big deal. Pay attention to the fact that the baby is doing well, and praise him more often. With the help of encouragement, you can change the baby into better side. The task of parents is not to scold (and in no case beat) children, but to gently guide them, showing them how to behave well.

6-7 years old. This is a period of intensive development cognitive processes child, as well as entering a new society - the school. The child begins to study intensively, gets used to the new daily routine, tries to establish relationships with classmates. Parents need to be attentive to the child, help to get involved in studying proccess, overcome communication difficulties, support.

9 years and older. Around this age, they begin hormonal changes that may influence the behavior of the child. The student grows, his interests change, he develops physically and emotionally. You need to work with teenagers in a special way, because the solidarity of parents, understanding is important to them. Nurture in optimistic spirit. Find common hobbies, spend weekends together. Be an authority on your child.

If parents work not only on their children, but also on themselves, thinking about the methods of education, then they will achieve success and overcome the uncontrollability of the child.

How to find an approach

In order to prevent or correct the uncontrollable behavior of the child, we propose to be guided by a system of rules:

1. Be consistent. Learn to keep your word given to the child and deliver what was promised. Do not violate the established.
2. Be firm in prohibitions. A child may feel weak if something is impossible in the morning, but in the evening it is already possible.
3. Communicate with the child on an equal footing. Respect the opinion of the child, appreciate his personality, reckon with his opinion. When you say no to something, explain why.
4. Develop a daily routine. And make sure your child follows it. This will teach the child to discipline and order, and will reduce protests to a minimum. Be with the baby by teaching him daily activities. Repeat the steps over and over. It will take a long time until he learns to observe the regime of his own free will.
5. Do not Cry. A child is a small person who wants to be respected too. Therefore, be respectful to the baby, do not raise your voice, do not scold, do not blame, do not beat.
If a tantrum happened

• The baby can be seated on his knees, hugged, affectionately talk to him, looking into his eyes, until it passes.
• It is necessary to distract the child with something neutral, use humor and affection. When the child calms down, you need to calmly explain to him that this cannot be done.
• Leave the room during a tantrum. The performance is always designed for the viewer.

The main thing in working with children's uncontrollability is that your efforts, restrictions and prohibitions must be united by force. parental love, care and confidence that you are raising a child for good.

findings

Faced with child uncontrollability, parents need to think about what worries the child, what true reason behavior to help him. If parents are attentive to the problems of the child, his behavior will return to normal. Don't forget your behavior. The child learns everything from the parents. Therefore, try to become a role model.

While scientists and educators are debating ways to deal with children who have fallen under the sway of destructive feelings, parents are looking for ways to teach children the skills of emotional self-control.

Control over emotions is a human privilege

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, an authoritative expert in the field of intra-family relations, is convinced that the desire to control one's emotions is a fundamental property of a person. It encourages people to constantly analyze their experiences and the feelings of others before doing something. Parents and other members of society responsible for children can and should teach the rising generation this art.

The latest research shows that the ability to "self-regulate" the inner life is inherent in human offspring. "Self-control" means potential opportunity children to “slow down” their reflex emotional reaction to external influences to turn it into meaningful action. The skills of "self-regulation" are important not only in interpersonal communication, but also in the process of improving the personality, bringing it to a more high level development. Parents are required to use every contact with their children to teach them the principles of "self-government". Mary advises parents where to start in this case:

Set clear standards of behavior

The child must have clear criteria for evaluating their actions. For example, if his behavior harms him, other people, or environment, then he must stop and think about what he is doing wrong. When rules are not set or difficult to understand, it is very difficult for children to control themselves.

Pause

If you hear from your child not the words that you expected, pay attention to them. Take a deep breath. Do not get angry in any way. You should be not only a mentor, but also a role model. Just pause and say back, “Let's try again. I'm listening carefully. I understand that you want to tell me something important. Say it in a way that I can help you." If your baby's vocabulary is still being formed, teach him expressions that are “comfortable” in your opinion.

For example:

“Please let me do it differently…”

“Dad, could you give me…”

"I'm starting to worry, I beg you - help me..."

"Pay attention to me, please..."

Only calmness

After birth of a child, many kind and calm women turn into a nervous and hysterical person, reacting to every little thing with an "explosion" negative emotions. constant sleep deprivation, nervous tension due to various health problems of the baby, lack of help from loved ones and household chores that no one has canceled, lead to the fact that the mother begins to drown in her emotions. She regularly yells at the child if she cannot calm him down in any way, yells at him if the baby does not do what she asks him to do.

Even the calmest balanced a mother cannot control her emotions if she decides to give birth to a second when the first is not even 3 years old. At the same time, the younger one begins to starve her out, and the older one is already showing his character. No requests and persuasion of the older child to play quietly so that the baby falls asleep does not help. Only those women whose husband does not disappear from morning to late evening at work or who are helped by their parents can adequately cope with the task of a mother of many children. And if you alone are trying to become a caring mother and a good wife, then breakdown and irresistible desire shouting at a child is inevitable. Therefore, it is best to give birth to a second child 5-6 years after the birth of the first child, this will save nerves not only for the woman herself, but also for the first child. Otherwise, from constant screams and threats, he will be afraid to step the wrong way again, suffer from an inferiority complex and be sure that his mother does not love him.

scream- this is a signal of a woman's helplessness, and not a fit of rage and not a desire to cripple the child's psyche. Every woman wants to raise her child as a self-confident person and suffers from the inability to control her emotions in moments of irritation and anger. How not to let the child wind the thinned nerves of the mother on his little fist?

After all, the children unconscious level, they themselves provoke their mother to scream in order to understand how much she loves them and is able to protect them. And when there are two children, they check which of them the mother loves more. And it is very difficult to withstand this every minute check, but it is within the power of each of us to analyze our behavior in those moments when we want to yell at a child. As you know, in order to achieve some result, you need to have good motivation. For example, in order to effectively lose weight, you need to set a goal to become slim by some important event. The same goes for raising children. In order not to yell at the child in the future and keep your emotions, you need to know what consequences this can lead to. And every time you feel like scolding a child, remember that your screaming can cause:

1. Serious illnesses . Parents who regularly yell at and punish their children are putting their child's health at risk. high risk. The hysterical cry of the mother can frighten the baby so much that he will begin to stutter and be afraid of everything. According to psychologists at the University of Plymouth in Devon, raising your voice and physical punishment increases the risk of developing cancer in a child by 1.7 times, asthma by 1.6 times and heart disease by 1.2 times. The more often your child is exposed to stress, the more various changes in the work of organs and systems occur in his body.

2. Child mental disorders. Most children do not take in information when they are yelled at. A screaming mother means one thing to them - you need to be quiet and stop showing your emotions. In the future, this child will be afraid of everyone, it will be very difficult for him to find mutual language with adults. Some children react to their mother's cry with crying and irritation, which also causes a broken child's psyche. As known, nerve cells are not restored. With this psyche, the child will have to live forever. He will become an adult, you will no longer be able to yell at him, but he himself will break loose on his loved ones and yell at his children in order to educate.

3. self-doubt. A child will forgive his parents everything, even if they punish him with a belt, but he will grow up to be the kind of person that his parents showed him as an example. By educating, they lay in the child what kind of life he will have and how he should behave in different situations. If parents are accustomed to screaming to force a child to refuse to perform any action, then he will never become successful person able to defend themselves and defend their positions. He will be afraid of anyone who turns to him, raising his voice, or who seems to him stronger than himself.

To teach yourself not to yell at your child, always keep in mind what your child is. He deserves the same treatment as we do. After all, we can not yell at our mother, husband or girlfriend, although their behavior also sometimes does not suit us. Teach yourself to respect the child as an individual and behave towards him in the same way as with other family members. If the child is furious and does not obey, try to calmly stop him and divert his attention.

Watch all the time intonation, do not raise your voice during communication with the child and do not insult him. Remember the instructions of the great classic writer A.P. Chekhov to parents: "Children are pure and holy, like angels. They are in many ways better than adults. Even among crocodiles and robbers, children are angelic rank. Therefore, we must envelop them in an atmosphere worthy of their rank, even if we ourselves climb into some kind of hole. You can’t make a child a toy of your mood and be obscene with impunity in his presence ... You can’t stomp your feet furiously at him, and then gently kiss him ... "