I'm a bad mom: what should I do? How I stopped considering myself a bad mother: a mother’s story.

A woman raises three children, gets tired, yells at them, sometimes spanks them (we deliberately do not consider dads here; “maternal neurosis” is less common among dads). Is this really good mother?

How can I answer this without knowing the context? Maybe this woman is already working hard on herself, and what we see is great result for her? Who knows what she went through, what injuries and internal fears has she already had to overcome?

We see only one thing: “Spanking. Screams."

And the woman herself often sees only this. And then the cats scratch inside: “Am I really a bad mother? Maybe my child would be better off with another mother?” It’s hard to think about this, these are difficult doubts and thoughts. And it is much easier to choose the path of improvement - try to be better and better every day. New methods of education, refraining from screaming and breakdowns - just so that cats don’t scratch their souls. But the more she tries to stop herself from being “bad,” the more difficult it is to cope with her own emotions.

The famous psychotherapist Donald Winnicott introduced a special term - “good enough mother”. This is the kind of mother who proceeds from the child’s needs, correlates them with her capabilities, and then determines the maternal style.

In every situation when you have doubts about the quality of your own motherhood, think:

• What needs does my child/children have here and now?
• What needs do I have here and now – as a woman, a person?
• Can I provide for these needs (both children's and my own)?
• To what extent can I provide them?
• What help can I get?

Maternal neurosis

Since pregnancy expectant mother receives a large number of reasons to feel bad. And with the birth of a child, she is bombarded with information. How many times on the street strangers Do you allow yourself to speak out about your belly, your stroller, your baby?

No matter what a mother does, she can never satisfy all the demands because they contradict each other.

There are mothers who were taught in childhood to defend themselves and protect their boundaries, but more often such advice seriously hurts. And it is impossible to do everything as needed. Any parenting style is subject to scrutiny and criticism daily and hourly.

Why are we offended by all these “Oh, mother, why didn’t you put a hat on your child?” Here are three reasons.

1. Parental anxiety

They say these are troubling times - you can no longer let a child go for a walk alone in the yard. And many mothers are really worried about their children. And then any nuance becomes a cause for concern - “Is it really possible to take off the hat?”, “What if I haven’t thought of everything?”

And out of nowhere a feeling of guilt grows. It is useless to suppress it; it can turn into psychosomatics or more serious disorders. It is better to consult a psychotherapist with an anxiety problem.

2. Fatality of educational mistakes

Nowadays women read a lot about pedagogy and education. Many people know about generational family scenarios. And this knowledge helps in some ways, but it also burdens us. A feeling of irreparability appears - all our mistakes with children are fatal, a breakdown will certainly lead to injury, lack of attention will lead to bad relationships, spoiling - to an unworthy future.

And when the thought “Nothing can be fixed” in your head, shame and guilt grow by leaps and bounds.

Errors in education can be corrected. The child will even benefit from this.

For example, there was a breakdown. What's the use? All guilt and bitterness.

But you can:

• separate the situation and the breakdown itself and solve separately emotional problems and the tasks of the situation that led to the breakdown,
• apologize to the child - because humiliating and offending is bad, and because it teaches the child that a breakdown (both yours and your mother’s) is not the end of the world, but an everyday situation from which you can get out of it with dignity.

3. Demanding society

We are surrounded by many contradictory attitudes. For example: “The child needs to be dressed warmly” or “The child needs to be hardened, he cannot be wrapped up.”

No matter what the mother does, she can never satisfy all the demands because they contradict each other.

And the advice falls into a blind spot - where the mother has not yet made up her mind. Maybe she herself already regretted that she had not put on a hat. Maybe the kid put on a show because of that hat. To feel confident, it is useful to form your own judgment. For example: “At a certain temperature, a hat is not needed” or “I always put a hat on my child, but if it gets hot, I’ll take it off.”

The more such own judgments are contrasted with other people’s attitudes, the easier it is to be confident in your motherhood.

Mom's medicine

A good mood, a resourceful state is a cure for a mother who suddenly feels bad. Remember that in the recipe for a “good mother” there is a question about her own needs? This is a must-have ingredient!

Sleep, relax, take a walk, draw, call a friend - find an opportunity to pamper yourself every day, this will make motherhood more calm and kind.

about the author

System family therapist. Her website.

Hello! My daughter is 3.5 years old. The daughter is welcome and long-awaited, very beloved. During pregnancy, a pathology was found in the kidneys. On the third day after giving birth, my daughter was taken for examination to a regional hospital, and I was allowed to go see her only 4 days later. The babies lie there separately from their mothers; you can only come every three hours for feeding. We stayed there for two weeks. At 3 months they went there again for surgery. We stayed there for 3 weeks, the first day I cried a lot because I was hand-trained and breastfeeding. In the hospital I started sucking my finger. At home, I decided to continue the guard according to the regime, because... I had to take a lot of medications. I consider this my first omission.
Further. Every month for up to a year we go to the hospital with pyelonephritis, and this heat and injections. My mother-in-law began to say that we bad parents because the child is constantly sick. In fact, the reason for this was the discontinuation of a certain medication, but even the doctors did not immediately guess that. So now we continue to take this medicine without stopping. Then, starting from 11 months, we constantly went to the hospital for kidney problems, 3 more simple operations were performed, now we need a major operation, but we cannot do it yet because we are getting sick. IN overall child constantly on medications and in hospitals. Favorite game is doctor)) This is a brief general picture about us.
Further. I grew up in a large family, 5 children, I am the second to last. Dad died early from cancer, I was 3.5 years old. Mom quietly started drinking, quit her job, and lived very poorly. Mom was not the last alcoholic, she didn’t take things out of the house, she drank heavily, once a month. Naturally, we suffered, but our mother loved us very much. But I considered myself a disliked child, I grew up unsure of myself, although I graduated from school with a medal and graduated from college with honors. So, in light of this, I really wanted a child and wanted to give him a lot of love. Since birth, she has been kissed by me and constantly in my arms. We sleep together, on our chest, until we are 2 years old. I think that I have attached her very much to me, she also loves to hug, she constantly strokes my hand, even in her sleep. I think that I gave her little independence, she still asks me to feed her and put her on the potty, but I’m gradually moving away from this, and she’s already sitting on the potty herself.
We live with my mother-in-law, we weren’t very good from the very beginning a good relationship, but we never fought, we just didn’t talk heart to heart, just hello and goodbye. She doesn’t love me and admitted this more than once in conversation. After the birth of her daughter, she began to tell my husband and me that we are bad parents, our child is constantly sick , then she cries, then why are we carrying her in our arms, holding her in the wrong way (she herself did not take her son, my husband, into her arms until she was a year old, well, in the sense of except for the need to change clothes and bathe her). IN general attitude they didn’t work out, they never left their daughter with her, with the exception of once a year, to go to a New Year’s corporate party at her husband’s work, i.e. only three times.
My daughter is always with me, to the store, to the hospital, everywhere. I pay her a lot of attention, we play together, personal time I have only during her sleep. She is very attached to me, especially for some time, after the next treatment. Previously, I could walk with my dad alone, go to the store with my grandfather to buy a toy (my grandfather doesn’t live with us). IN Lately We couldn’t go anywhere without me, we didn’t even go to a corporate party this year, I cried a lot. This is another moment of my unsuccessful motherhood.
Further. A year ago, after a course of taking prescribed medications that have a tonic effect on the nervous system, I stopped sleeping during the day and began to stutter a little, or rather, even stretch out the letters. Then it seemed to calm down, but after the next course it intensified. Canceled. Tenoten and B6 were prescribed. It calmed down. At the end of the year I started stuttering very badly, it lasted about 3-4 days and then went away. I’m very worried about this, and now this moment He has been stuttering again for three days now. Is it from the medications, because they have already been discontinued. At first I thought it was a developmental stutter, she is very inquisitive and smart, she started speaking early and immediately clearly, she didn’t lisp. Naturally, we’ll go to the doctors and hire a speech therapist.
I don’t even know if I wrote here clearly, I think I need to get treatment myself, I’m very anxious, but my daughter feels it. I used to be afraid all the time that she would die, I even had dreams a couple of times, I couldn’t live without her.
I always try to speak softly, I don’t shout, I don’t practice hitting the butt and I don’t allow my husband to do it. All prohibitions are spoken in a strict but quiet voice. She is very obedient, she always asks if she can? Even take off your socks in bed, I think maybe I covered it up like that? Of course I spoil her, this is also bad, there are a lot of toys. We read a lot, she knows all the letters and tries to read herself. My daughter is very sociable, she immediately makes friends on the playground, she has 3 permanent favorite girlfriends, the kids follow her, if we go somewhere, she immediately finds someone to make friends with. I try not to forbid her anything, we cook together, she once even asked if something was possible? I answered yes, but she said: Mom, why do you allow me to do everything? But he will always ask permission first. She really doesn’t like criticism, she wants to be the first in everything, she doesn’t like to lose.
We don’t go to kindergarten due to our health, but here he says: Mom, I won’t go to kindergarten at all, I want you to play with me all the time. You might think that she doesn’t have enough attention, but she is there all the time and not just, but we play, read, draw, sculpt, hug, kiss.
Another problem is that he falls asleep with the light on, it started after stopping the guard, and if he wakes up at night, he doesn’t ask to turn it on, and he’s not afraid of the dark, he can go into a dark bath and close himself when we’re playing hide and seek.
In general, something like this, I seem to have written everything, I think I’ve overdone something in my upbringing, where should I start correcting everything? It’s clear that it’s okay, but how? The first thing that worries me, of course, is stuttering. Thanks in advance for your answer!

Answers from psychologists

Hello, Nadezhda. You are far from a bad mother. And you even deserved an order for your great love for your daughter. But, I think, your tremulous love comes from a source of anxiety (no matter what happens). And then your daughter can see your love as saving. (no love, no life). That is, you lingered with your daughter in the phase of her omnipotence. Normally, children go through this phase in the first year of life. For obvious reasons, your heightened symbiotic, merging love for your daughter dragged on. This is beyond guardianship, which now your daughter takes not for love, but for helplessness (If my mother is with me all the time and doesn’t leave my side, it means I’m incompetent, unadapted and worthless).And since the daughter’s horizons grow and expand, she sees her independence as more and more terrible. After all, she understands that her mother will not always be able to be with her. And she has no skills to live without you. Moreover, the daughter he sees an anxious mother. That is, if the mother is anxious, it means the world around us is dangerous for life, unpredictable and full of surprises. Therefore, I think that my daughter’s growing up is associated with the fear of survival (what if I can’t cope alone). Therefore, a stutter appeared. But and the trauma of the first months of life, when the daughter was separated from her mother, I think, also occurs. The way out is to carefully begin a strategy of abandoning suffocating love. Everything time to talk - I I know that you are already big and brave, and you can do it without my help. And so on for each subject of addiction. If it doesn’t work out, help. But tell me anyway - You see, you did almost all the work yourself. You are strong for me. and dexterous. And you are not afraid of anything. And repeat these words often ad nauseum. But do not put pressure, do not insist too much, do not create unexpected fears. Plan in advance what your daughter will do in the experiment herself. It is important for you to smile and laugh more often with your daughter, which If only she would forget the anxiety of life. This kind of work of growing up and adapting needs to be spread out over a year so as not to traumatize my daughter. Now she is not at all comfortable with herself. trusts and trust through awareness of her strength, it will return to her slowly. In a few months, I think, stuttering will stop its intensity, and then disappear completely. At the same time, give her more right to her opinion, let her win verbal fights with you, achieve her desires in disputes and ask less You have permission for your actions. Build relationships on equal terms, giving her faith that she can handle it (you can handle it, there’s nothing complicated). So, step by step you will straighten out the situation. Believe in yourself, and your daughter will believe in herself too.

Mother of two children, speech pathologist and gestalt therapist Inna Vaganova shared her own story of victory over.

Anxious thoughts "I bad mom, what to do!?" ruin the lives of many young mothers. Everyone who is not too lazy is ready to strengthen our complexes and tell us exactly what we are doing wrong and how we are ruining the child. And my own perfectionism haunts me.

We are afraid of becoming a bad mother, or a mother who is not good enough. Especially against the backdrop of bright and, for whom everything is always an A+.

What does a mother psychologist, who herself went through these fears, think about this? We are sure that her experience is useful for every mother.

I have never seen a single area of ​​human activity where self-deprecation, guilt and fear are as widespread as in motherhood.

The first time I felt like a bad mom was when my oldest child was born. Right in the maternity hospital, when during childbirth they told me that I was pushing poorly and that I was suffocating the child. And I gave birth for the first time!

As he grew and developed, I found out that I was feeding him incorrectly - he gained little or gained a lot. I dress incorrectly, develop, walk. He doesn't even sleep right with me. In short, as a mother I am insolvent and I am ruining my son.

It’s one thing when such things are said by some “mimicrocodile” who can be sent and forgotten. And it’s completely different when parents, doctors at the clinic, teachers say this, best friends- people whose opinions I always listened to.

I believed them: yes, I am a bad mother, my child is unlucky with me. And this feeling stayed with me for almost 6 years.

My son grew up next to me, hugged me, gave me touching bouquets of dandelions, slowly learned to read, adored me with all his heart. younger brother, and I was still sure that I was a bad mother.

I didn’t seem to think about it. But when teachers complained about my son, or doctors complained about being too thin, or I put an unironed T-shirt on him - that’s it, I was literally bombarded with self-recrimination. And a nasty voice in my head hissed: “Oh, poor child! And why does he need such a mother?!”

That was until I paid attention to what I actually do for my children every day.

I woke up my son for kindergarten and a set of clothes was ready for him. Whole year I prepared a thermos of tea for him every day for kindergarten, because he was allergic to garden compote.

I dug through a mountain of specialized literature to support my sons’ health: the eldest son spent only one day in the hospital in his entire life, and the youngest son had never been there.

Every day I cook food for the children and wash their clothes, I walk with them and apply cream to my broken knees. And I also listen to them, they cry calmly in my arms, they tell me their secrets. The eldest son can ask me any question, and I don’t turn gray with horror and shame, I find words with which I can explain.

Today I saw my cry younger son from fatigue. For 40 minutes I held the kicking baby in my arms and stroked his hair until he fell asleep.

Mothers often devalue what they do for their children every day, but, as if through a magnifying glass, they examine their every mistake and mistake.

. Every day I do simple maternal feats that I previously considered insignificant. But it turns out that these are the things that make up my children’s childhood.

The smell of pancakes in the morning, my spoonfuls of jam, my hands that hug them when they are hurt, my words when I help them understand their feelings and the world around them.

My kids call me “healing mom”, every time they fall and get hurt, they run up and just apply sore spot to me and it turns out that it helps them! My one touch will relieve their pain! My touch!

It just so happens that accusations and reproaches rain down on many of us endlessly. But if we start to notice, simply notice and acknowledge what we do every day, this will become a small straw in saving our self-esteem, our value.

Just to see how we wake up every day and do a lot of things for our children, love them, live with them. And now I already notice how much I differ from my mother. I allow my children to feel and I feel a lot myself, it’s as if I’m unfreezing and becoming alive.

Situations often arise in which new mothers or experienced mothers sadly admit: “I feel like a bad mother.” We should immediately make a reservation: a person who has thoughts that he is bad is not such.

We all know the truth that foolish man he will never admit that he is stupid. And if the mother analyzes and worries about where and in what she could be wrong, reproaches herself for shortcomings, then she good mom who knows how to admit mistakes and will definitely try to improve in the future.

This feeling of inadequacy arises in different cases:

• when mothers are angry that the baby does not calm down for a long time and cries;
• when a child is scolded for his behavior at school;
• when mothers are forced to leave the baby with another person for a while;
• when mothers lose their temper and yell at the child, or even spank him a little;
• when children start being rude to their parents, etc.

Constantly crying baby can make almost every woman feel like a bad mother

Such thoughts, the so-called bad mother complex, are inherent in almost all women without exception who have children. Some new mothers sometimes even experience some rejection of their child: they do not realize that their baby is really their child.

Often similar thoughts about their failure as a mother come to those women who are “helped” to take care of their little one. older generation. They will definitely tell you, modern mixtures, the latest techniques education. mother-in-law or dear mother will remember how they raised their children, what they didn’t have unpleasant situations that they never took it out on others or the child.

If the help of your older relatives consists only of criticizing your behavior, try to protect yourself from communicating with them. Otherwise, they will not only convince you that you are a worthless mother, but will also lower your self-esteem in general.

How to deal with this?

All these negative thoughts a la " I think I'm a bad mom”, which sometimes interfere with communicating with children and raising them correctly, gradually go away. But if you have a lingering feeling of failure as a mother, try using the following recommendations, which help many women facing similar problems:

• Have a rest

Yes, mothers always have a lot of responsibilities related not only to the baby: cleaning, cooking, washing, etc. To do all this, you need to hire a housekeeper, but often there is no money for this. Therefore, sometimes let your husband prepare breakfast for himself, put off cleaning up the apartment until better times, etc., while you sleep.

It is more pleasant for a child to be with a kind and rested mother, even if some things have not been ironed for the whole family for a week, than with a tense, always on edge mother, but with a sterile apartment and order in everything.

• Ask for help

If you can’t cope, don’t hesitate to ask close relatives, neighbors, single friends, etc. for help. Moreover, this may not be a request to babysit, but, for example, to go to the store for the necessary products or pick up your coat from the dry cleaner.

This won’t take up much time from your friends, but you will be able to avoid stressing yourself over even such minor issues. And the life of mothers, in addition to caring for the child, consists of little things.

• Make time exclusively for yourself

Monotonous activities and tasks 24 hours a day will drive anyone into depression. Therefore, leave the child with grandmothers, girlfriends or your husband (and drive away the thoughts that he is a bad father and will not cope), and go ahead: play sports, English language, embroidery, dancing, etc. Come up with something useful to do, pay for it in advance, and then you will definitely not miss a single lesson.

• Take a sedative if necessary

Now there are medications that can be taken by nursing mothers - they do not affect the baby in any way. Typically these are herbal based products. It is best to consult your doctor before taking any medications.

• Count to 10

Psychologists recommend this technique to anyone who needs to calm down. Even if yours has been going on for a long time, and you can’t calm him down, don’t “boil.” Go out into the kitchen or hallway for a couple of minutes and count to 10. The child will still cry, and this time will help you calm down, pull yourself together and not do anything stupid.

• Have a positive attitude towards life!

This is difficult, especially when something doesn’t work out, but imagine how surprised your child will be when you simply laugh at his remark about a forgotten diary and tell him how you yourself once forgot not only a diary, but also a shift and notebooks , and even “head”.

Know the main thing: ideal people no, like ideal mothers. It is important to try to be ideal only for your children, and not for the entire world around you. Children value love, not generally accepted ideals.