Divorce relationship with the former. ex-husbands

Investigating the reasons for the breakup of families, psychologists found that women initiate divorce for many reasons: the husband abuses alcohol, uses physical strength, walks halfway. While the representatives of the stronger sex most often leave when they have a new relationship on the side. In any case, for most women, the post-divorce period turns into stress and can even result in depression.

Let yourself cool down. The separation period is usually filled negative emotions. For some reason, at the moment when the last thread connecting the former spouses breaks, each of them tends to look worse than they really are. This is both protective for stress, with a gap, and a kind of disguise, because no matter which of you initiated the breakup, sadness and doubt visit both. In the first months after, keep communication to a minimum. Until you find balance, and your life enters a new direction, you should not try a relationship with an ex.

Don't blame yourself. Often, left in legal loneliness, a woman is too fond of reflection and introspection. After analyzing their life together with their ex-husband, most come to the conclusion that the relationship did not work out ... through their fault. Grumbled too much - he drank, screamed too much - he drank, didn’t bake pies, didn’t wear fishnet underwear under a dressing gown, his mother didn’t like him - he went to another. Of course, the responsibility for a broken relationship is always shared by two, but in this case it is worth forgiving yourself all the sins.

If you are parents. Many divorced women are overcome by the desire to start life over and never see again. ex-spouse. However, this scenario is not possible if joint child. After all, the baby will suffer the most. familiar to the child the way of life is collapsing, but he cannot understand why mom and dad no longer love each other. Many children blame themselves for the divorce of their parents. That is why it is important to maintain not only the appearance of a good relationship with your husband, but really try to avoid negative thoughts about him. If you feel that a wave of irritation and resentment towards your ex-husband is about to overwhelm you, try to focus on pleasant memories. For example, related to first dates or funny events that happened during the years of your life. life together.

If you are colleagues. It's a tough test to work next to an ex. Often work turns into real hard labor, because it is incredibly difficult to see, hear and feel him next to you, realizing that you are now strangers. Moreover, most of the employees are probably aware of your divorce. First, refuse to discuss a sore subject with anyone. Otherwise, you risk remaining an object of pity and the heroine of local gossip for a long time to come. Secondly, minimize communication with the once loved one. Always speak in presence strangers, because left alone you can move from work topics to personal ones. The consequences can be the most deplorable, because it’s not a fact that having torn up the old

Separation and parting is one of the saddest endings of a relationship. But is this really the end? Or is it possible to keep in touch? Sometimes people have a quite reasonable question: was separation really the only way out, or could you still do without it and stay together? If questions like this keep coming up and becoming more and more intrusive, maybe it's time to consider whether you need to get along with ex-husband and what it will eventually lead to. Here are a few questions to ask yourself before you turn things around. First, it is worth considering why the relationship ended with ex-husband. And who ultimately was to blame. Why did this happen and is forgiveness possible from one side or the other. If it was his behavior that caused the separation, it is worth remembering that actions mean more than words. Secondly, it is worth asking yourself the question: is it possible to forgive ex-husband for the wrong he did. If the separation was due to his infidelity, then is there a chance that a man can be forgiven and is there enough strength and courage for this? After all, you will literally have to start living together anew, again cultivating trust in a person. And by the way, did he really repent? Third, was there anything in his actions that was offensive. It could be constant emotional conflicts, or economic infringement, or even physical. If all this was present, then it is unlikely that a person will change. It is rare for people to eradicate their habits of abuse in relation to others. Even if they promise with regular frequency that it won't happen again. Domestic violence only increases with time. So, it is hardly worth re-establishing relations. Fourth, are there any benefits to reconnecting? How much was good versus bad? There are times when relationships fizzle out. This may be due to the fact that people have lived together for too long. And sometimes the cause can be different life circumstances. If you breathe into relationships new life then everything can go well. However, sometimes the same factors again lead to a vicious circle. Fifth, it is worth honestly assessing for yourself the reasons why everything ended like this. Sometimes it is very easy to remember only the good, forgetting all the bad, especially since time heals spiritual wounds. And especially when in relation to ex-husband there are still some warm feelings. Will things only get worse and will old grievances resurface? Sixth, you can, in the end, consult with your close friends. What do they think for their part? After all, it is much easier for outsiders to evaluate a complex stop and put everything on the shelves impartially. Most often, such people have an honest and objective view. That's why you should trust close friend and ask her how she imagines further relationship building. Seventh, it would be nice to connect your own subconscious. After all, as you know, many people can feel inwardly whether it is worth doing one way or another in a given situation. If a inner voice literally shouting: run wherever your eyes look, and do not get involved in this, then maybe it would be nice to listen to him. Or maybe, on the contrary, he will say that yes, getting together is the best way out. Eighth, decide that the reunion is not only because it is the easiest. One of the most common reasons why people converge is that such a move is much easier than finding someone else. But simpler does not mean that it is more correct and more expedient. Ninth, if both partners decide that living together again is in the interests of both partners. Most likely, converge in this case will be the most optimal step. However, you need to remember one thing: you should leave the past and give a new start to the relationship. Tenth, if there is any doubt that living together is not the most best idea. Then you need to break off relations completely and irrevocably. It is worth getting rid of all reminders of ex-husband or partner. You need to work on maintaining self-love, as well as growing your own interests, reminding yourself that getting together is a bad idea, being open to new relationships.

Our life consists of meetings and partings. The latter takes place various reasons, and the most common of them - marriage has outlived its usefulness. It is difficult to argue with the statement that divorce is stressful for both spouses, that it is almost always accompanied by scandals and the division of property. Of course, there are exceptions, but happy occasion you can’t name it, since no destruction can be happiness, even when former spouses live better in new families. However, ex-wives, most often, turn to their ex-spouses for help in domestic matters, either out of loneliness or out of habit. How a man relates to this, we will talk in today's article.

High relationship or addiction?

Let's start the conversation with the very situation when marriage has become obsolete. It happens that spouses lose interest in each other. If there are no children in this marriage, if they have nothing to share, then everything is simple: they leave and each lives his own life. However, these are not all points of intersection of men and women. There are years that they lived together, there are mutual friends. You can’t offer your friends the choice of “either me or her,” thereby embarrassing them.

If there was no great resentment during parting, if you meet your ex-wife on the street and at the same time do not experience excitement, if you are not tormented by memories of your life together, then it is quite possible to continue communicating with her, but on a slightly different level. Over time, many former spouses are able to maintain friendly relations, well, or create the appearance of them. Rejoice for happy life"former" in a new family. Sounds like an idyll?

But, as a rule, it happens differently in life: one of the former spouses wants to quickly forget about life together and not maintain any relationship, and the second looks like a dog in the manger. Now it will be appropriate to recall the film “Pokrovsky Gates”, in which the ex-wife took care of her husband after her divorce, perceiving him as her property. Dear men if you realize that you have fallen into such a trap organized by your ex-wife, immediately run away, break off all relations. Indeed, over time, they will turn into a pathological addiction, which will certainly lead to depression. Do not pay attention to requests for help in everyday matters, there are professional masters for this. Remember that you no longer have obligations in relation to her and you are a completely independent and independent person.

Common children are the link.

Everything that was written above applies to families in which there are no common children. If you have common children, then with your greatest desire to never see your ex-wife, you won’t be able to say goodbye forever. Common anxieties, common joys you'll have long years experience together. In this situation, it is necessary to try very hard to build right relationship, since one of the most important parental tasks is to create the greatest possible spiritual comfort for the child.

To begin with, place all the accents correctly. If a ex-wife continues to attack you with calls and requests, you need to understand that this is not only about household care she wants you back. If your decision to live separately is unshakable, then you will have to talk frankly with her one day and call a spade a spade. And do not naively hope that the problem will resolve itself. Every time you agree to help, the ex-wife takes it as your desire to start over.

What could be worse and more dangerous than false hope? Talk to her calmly and firmly, outline your responsibilities in relation to the child, as well as your material contribution to its maintenance. Show her that now you only have business relationship. However, do not try to start this conversation immediately after the divorce, when passions are still raging and spiritual wounds hurt. It's better to wait until things calm down.

What to do if the previous marriage is a hindrance to the current one.

As a rule, current wives get nervous and annoyed if an ex-spouse calls. Scandals begin, colored with jealousy, a woman is jealous of ex-wife her husband. And she, in turn, blames her rival for the fact that her ex-husband does not want to communicate with her. You can say at least a hundred times that forbidding a husband to maintain friendly relations with his ex-wife is a possessive demeanor that arises from insecurity in a relationship. The current wife does not prohibit it in plain text, but it noticeably annoys her. Clever man will do right choice between peace loved one and " high relations with ex-wife.

Again, it should be clarified that we are talking about those families where there are no common children. So that children, if any, do not suffer, you need to create new family dot all i's and tell your woman that she will have to put up with the fact that you will be in the same family and maintain at least business relations with ex-wife. If your current wife is sincere towards you, trusts you, she will most likely agree with you.

Similar situations happen in the opposite situation, when your wife continues to communicate with her ex-husband. On the part of a man, it will be worthy to show that he trusts his half, at the same time, without hurting his self-esteem. However, it is rare for a man to succeed. You should take a closer look at their relationship and make sure that everything that connected them is in the past, they are now rather relatives. Therefore, do not be nervous. And if you can’t cope with your emotions, then it’s better to tell her honestly about it. A woman, if you are dear to her, will certainly make the right choice.

Although they say that life is like a book, however, it is impossible to tear a page out of it. Even if it’s unpleasant for you to remember your family life, or you don’t want to see your ex-wife, but you can’t avoid it, try to build the right relationship with her and don’t give her the opportunity to manipulate you.

How to deal with your ex wife.

Be sensitive to divorce.

Of course, if people come to a divorce, then passions are heated, they irritate each other, and their differences are not resolved. That is, they both reached the boiling point. In such a situation, it is difficult to control yourself and not express your claims and opinions about your ex-wife aloud. In response, of course, you will receive the same thing, since she, too, has accumulated dissatisfaction with you. But it's better to speak up if this happens, if you've remained on friendly terms. If this is not the case, then you can contact a psychologist and talk to him. And postpone the conversation with your ex-wife for the time when the passions subside, and you will calmly treat each other, her shortcomings and your claims and insults.

This is especially important if you have children in common. It should be remembered that the absence of children is not an excuse for hurtful words to his wife, to humiliate her. After all, once there was love between you. If your wife has changed for the worse as a result of your family life, then it's not only her fault, as a rule, two are to blame.

Do not immediately change one woman for another.

The desire to recoup for the grievances that your spouse allegedly inflicted on you is understandable. And many men sin by defiantly changing old wife to a new one. Moreover, trying to finish off the “former”, explaining his departure by the fact that new wife much better than her. And they are not even shy about voicing the dignity of the rival on points. Having been married for several years, you certainly know her well. pain points and weak spots. In this case, it is very doubtful that you will ever be able to reconcile with your ex-wife and, moreover, build friendly relations with her. I hope everyone understands that such behavior does not paint a man, rather, it looks like a manifestation of weakness of character.

To avoid such excesses, go to "nowhere". Even if your future wife has no problems with housing, it is better for you to live for some time alone or with relatives or friends. Psychologists believe that from the moment of divorce to the public appearance of another woman in your life, and even more so, the creation of a new family with her, at least six months should pass. It is easier for women to accept and forgive the fact that she was abandoned because of “they didn’t get along” than the fact that she was exchanged for someone.

If your new passion does not understand your careful attitude to the feelings of the ex-wife and requires that you, at a minimum, pay visits to friends, relatives shared with the ex-wife, go to in public places where she can see you. And, as a maximum, an immediate wedding, then you should think about her sincerity towards you. It is much more important for this woman to take revenge on her ex-wife for your secret relationship, for the hardships that she endured, than for her man to experience spiritual comfort.

Pay attention to your wife.

It doesn't obligate you to anything. Is it difficult to wish your ex-wife a happy birthday or a happy new year, because you congratulate your friends. Or take care of your common child. You can take an interest in her child, born in a new marriage, call for no reason, just in a friendly way. You can emphasize something good in your former relationship: some of her culinary masterpieces or a master's vein. Or, for example, ask her for a favor. Women are very hard to endure the emptiness in the soul. It will be much easier for her to recover if she feels male attention and care. Besides, phone call there is no reason for her to believe that you have capitulated and want to return. And you find yourself in a win-win situation, since your ex-wife will not say unpleasant things about you to mutual acquaintances, and will not turn the children against you.

The most difficult thing here is to clearly explain to your current spouse why you continue to communicate with your ex-wife. You can explain this by the fact that you, as a decent man, do not leave to the mercy of fate the people with whom you have been associated for many years of living together. But it should be remembered that in no case should you go beyond friendly communication with your ex-wife.

Caution - female friendship!

It happens that both your wives (former and current) want to make friends, because they have a lot in common - you. As a rule, this can only happen if the ex-wife is no longer single, and she has a man, and she is happy with life. Where this friendship will lead, how it will affect your new relationship - this is complex issue, the answer to which depends only on you.

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It is always easier to destroy than to create. But after the dissolution of the marriage, some couples have the question of whether to renew the relationship after the divorce.

Indeed, in some cases, the separation of the spouses occurs under the influence of emotions, and then they begin to regret what they have done. Some immediately begin to understand that they have lost their love, while for others, insight comes after many years.

Practice shows that it does not matter how much time has passed since the dissolution of the marriage and what reasons led to this decision.

Often, neither new families nor children from other marriages can serve as an obstacle to reunification. That's just waiting for the family after the reunification?

Not one forum on the Internet is busy discussing this issue. And all the advice that is given there is rather contradictory. If you wish, you can improve relations with your ex-husband after a divorce, but it is rather difficult to imagine how long they will be.

Typical situations

Couples who, after a divorce, have decided to get back together can be roughly divided into the following categories:

• unfinished relationship
• Infantile position
• power struggle
• Fear of being alone
• Inability to cope independently with life's difficulties
• The first group includes married couples who could not survive the separation. After a break between such partners on an emotional level, everything remains the same. They continue to actively communicate, think about each other. Even if the separation was accompanied by negative emotions or they managed to enter into a new relationship, the thought of starting all over again regularly visits them.
• The second category of divorcees operates from the point of view of an infantile position. In the first marriage, such spouses are quite often set up only to take, not to give. Some adhere to the principle that everything should come into their own hands.
• The third group spend years in marriage, in a constant struggle for power. Each of the spouses seeks to prove to his soul mate that he is worthy to occupy a dominant role. Sometimes this situation is provoked by subconscious copying of the family model of their parents.
• Growing up, such people learn to take responsibility for their actions, begin to listen to the wishes of loved ones and compromise. In this case, over the years, the wife has a desire to improve relations with her ex-husband after a divorce, and the man, in turn, aspires to his former family.
• Fourth type married couples terribly afraid of loneliness. Moreover, a woman usually believes that it is better to be with someone than alone. A man doesn't want to serious relationship with other representatives of the fair sex, motivating their behavior by the fact that all new relationships are much worse than the previous ones.
• The fifth category includes spouses who do not know how to deal with life's difficulties on their own. It’s hard for some to raise children, others have lost their jobs, and still others are in debt on a loan. They are all trying to get along with former halves thus avoiding trouble.

Is it worth rekindling a relationship?

Even more desire resuming a relationship with an ex-husband after a divorce or with a wife is not a guarantee of success.

In some cases, such actions are obviously doomed to failure.

If there is no way to get to him for a consultation, then it would be nice to visit the forum on the Internet. This will allow you to consult with people who have already experienced a similar situation, and analyze other people's mistakes.

To start, each married couple must honestly answer to himself the question of the reason for the intention to renew the relationship.

If one of the spouses is guided by the fear of being alone, the aspirations to change the partner in better side or simply annoyance that there is no one better, then such a family reunion is doomed to failure in advance.

Nothing good will come of the intention to create for a child complete family. It is unlikely that he will be happy, because children very subtly feel insincerity. The kid will simply notice the suffering of adults, and then transfer this family model to his own marriage.

You need to understand that both ex-spouses should strive to renew the family, otherwise they will not succeed. The likelihood of a happy outcome can significantly increase a new round of relationships. In some cases official registration marriage is a great stimulus for civil husband and wives.

Divorce for every married couple is mental trauma. After a divorce, ex-spouses think about the question of what kind of relationship to stay with a person with whom nothing worked out? Forget all grievances, make an effort and maintain friendly relations, or immediately break off all contact with this person?

Now we live in a civilized world where friendly relations after a divorce are not only welcomed, but also promoted. The main argument for maintaining a good relationship after a divorce is the presence of children. The presence of children imposes a certain responsibility on the parents. If they wish well for their children, they will by no means involve them in their conflict, but will make every effort to maintain normal relations.

But this is ideal. In life, very often everything happens exactly the opposite. And then the children suffer. Parents after a divorce, one way or another, have to meet. In addition to children, they can be connected by business, property, an apartment and other factors. However, each meeting in most cases develops into a scandal with mutual reproaches and insults. As soon as one raises his voice, the other begins to practically scream. In such cases, psychologists recommend that all attacks from the former spouse (wife) be answered with calmness. When a person sees that the interlocutor is in a positive mood, then he tunes in a positive way.

How to save healthy relationships with your ex-husband?
What does a healthy relationship mean? Such relations are more typical for Europe and America. For Russia, divorce and relationships after it are terrible. What needs to be done, how to behave in order to maintain normal, friendly relations with the person you once loved? When people have already physically, psychologically separated, they need to pause the breakup in order to understand how to behave in the future, so as not to injure at least the children. To comprehend what you did wrong in order to build on your mistakes a different model of relationships with your ex-husband and father of your children. For many people it is psychologically difficult to adjust themselves to positive relationship with an ex-spouse, as resentment, bitterness, humiliation, and the like are fresh in the memory. In such cases, it is necessary to contact a psychologist or psychotherapist who will help eliminate all negativity, negative emotions in relation to former partner and tune in to positive moments in the relationship. Most importantly, after a divorce, you should not focus on ex man Don't get depressed, need to re-evaluate own life. And most importantly - do not put an end to your personal life.

It must be remembered that you yourself choose whether to continue communication after a divorce or not. Nobody is forcing anyone here. If there is a reason why you have to communicate, and you don’t really want to and don’t really like it, just change your attitude to the situation. You now owe nothing to your spouse, you have become a free person. Another thing, if communication is a pleasure, do not stop it, just do not cross the border. No need to dream about a joint future, you are now not a husband and wife.

And then, who guarantees that, obsessing over the old, you will not miss a new relationship?