What does the financial well-being of a family depend on? How to change your financial situation for the better.
Financial issue in the family
Every couple faces the problem of resolving financial issues in their family. Many articles have been written on the types and forms. Partners can have either a joint or separate budget. And what else can we talk about? About the energetic and spiritual component of money. Why are not all partners happy with how their family budget is distributed? Why do some people prefer to have a joint “piggy bank”, while others prefer to have separate ones?
Money doesn't smell
Money is a symbol of power and freedom. The more money you have, the more powerful and free you feel. The partner who earns more money, feels more influential than his significant other. Therefore, it happens that the one who earns less seeks to limit the freedom of his partner in order to have the right to dispose of his money at his own discretion. Those who earn more do not strive for restrictions in the form joint discussion spending money, which causes conflict.
Wife doesn't give me money
My husband doesn't give me money
Money is a symbol of care, especially for men. If a man cannot spend his money on a woman, it means that he is not interested in her and does not want to take care of her as his beloved. Money contains all the care and protection that a man can give to his woman. And if he is a miser and cannot spend money on the partner with whom he is in a relationship this moment in a relationship, it means he doesn’t feel for her deep feelings and does not consider her as his beloved woman.
In this case, a woman can act very subtly and wisely; shouting and scandals will not help here. You need to learn to ask a man for money for your needs, but at the same time do it in such a way that it does not look like a request, but is presented as his own desire.
You can read about how partners can distribute their money in any article. But what lies behind the particular motives of people who want to have a joint or separate budget cannot be read everywhere. But now you know that money also carries its own energy, which encourages a person to behave this way and desire what he actually experiences inside himself in relation to his partner.
Whatever you say, paradise with your loved one in a hut will quickly lose its charm if it is not fueled by something material. To provide for themselves, spouses work, and the result of their work will affect not only themselves, but also relationships in the family. It has long been proven that only a financially secure woman who does not need to think about what to buy tights with, and a man who knows that he is able to provide for his family financially can be happy.
How to distribute financial issues in the family? Which spouse should control in cash? Is it true that stereotypes that are firmly established in society can influence family relationships? How to build correct model behavior of spouses in monetary matters?
How does this happen most often? Traditional situations
In the average family, small financial problems, such as buying groceries, paying rent, resolving issues at school and hospital, are decided by the wife. At the same time, it is believed that her husband brings her a salary, and they discuss large purchases together. Many people think this ideal model families where the man is the breadwinner, and the woman, accordingly, is the keeper of the home.
Recently in ordinary family Another model of financial relations between spouses is also flourishing. The man earns money, gives the woman some money for small needs and food, and decides larger issues himself. At the same time, a woman, especially if she is a housewife, has to beg for money for new clothes, and not only for herself, but also for her children. And the man, like a king, decides whether it is worth his wallet or not.
It also happens the other way around, when a woman works, and a man runs the house, takes care of children, and decides minor problems. Today, for some reason, many men do not consider it shameful to live like this, but let’s leave this fact on their conscience. As a rule, in such a family a woman is in charge of financial affairs, but, like any other representative of the opposite sex, she wants stability and security from a man, and sometimes hands her husband the keys to the family piggy bank.
The best option has always been considered to be one in which there is enough money in the family, and the spouses trust each other, and both have the right to manage the money they earn.
What problems exist? How to cope?
Very often the biggest problem is the lack of financial resources. Resentment begins: the wife believes that the husband does not want to earn more, the husband - that the wife cannot spend less. Both of them do not understand that it is impossible to spend less than the minimum, just as it is impossible to earn more than you can.
Remember not to:
1. Blame your significant other for financial problems. If financial situation you are not satisfied, look for a way to earn money yourself. In addition to making money easier, your spouse will be proud of you.
2. Living beyond your means, namely spending more than you should. You may not be able to look fashionable this summer. It's okay, just be patient. next summer will appear more favorable. But you will keep the love.
3. Don’t drag yourself into a debt routine: loans, debts, etc. are evil for a person. It’s better to save money to buy something in six months.
Psychotherapist highest category,
family psychologist, Gestalt therapist
Almost every time a couple comes to therapy, a money issue comes up in one way or another regarding a dispute over family budget, sometimes leading to divorce. Moreover, most often this iceberg is hidden by the surface in the form of a completely different request: “My husband doesn’t love me, doesn’t appreciate me”, “my wife doesn’t understand how difficult it is for me”, “My husband stopped helping me” and so on.
The issue of money is not usually discussed easily and openly. Introduced Institute marriage contract regulates financial relations in the family, but after the divorce. And the percentage of families entering into it is not so large.
Lovers consider direct discussions about the financial structure future family a manifestation of commercialism, and most often guess this from the behavior of their partner. Judging by the appeals of couples, ideas about the financial part diverge greatly before and after marriage.
Common causes of money disputes in families
1. Spending not agreed upon with the spouse.Chaotic management of the family budget, unsystematic accounting of cash receipts and expenses in themselves create the prerequisites for the questions: Where did the money go? How to survive until the end of the month? Again there was not enough for..?
Example:
The family has a joint budget and is saving for a down payment on the mortgage. At some point, the husband decides that right now he needs to buy a car for work, especially since his neighbor is offering it cheaper. The deal took place in one day. Almost the entire accumulated amount has been spent. A pregnant wife, returning from work, not only does not share her husband’s joy at an acquisition that is unnecessary in her opinion, but also decides to pack her things and go to her parents, filing for divorce.
2. Different attitudes towards money.
Each of the spouses was brought up in a family with its own rules and they can have different attitude to money. A conflict arises if this difference in a couple is not taken into account.
Example:
Oleg: “You work all the time, the children and I miss you. I stopped feeling like a man, because you decide everything, you earn more than me.”
Inga: “I have good career, yes, I earn good money, and this allows our family to live fully. You are a caring husband and father, I don’t care that you bring in less money than me, but I am calm about our life and the well-being of our daughters. And I love you for it. My mother always brought more than my father. This is normal for me."
Oleg: “In our family, it was customary for mothers to be with their children, spend more time at home, and meet their husbands. And the men earned money and decided family problems. I feel like a wuss. We don’t need so many expensive things and vacations, we could live more modestly, but be together more often.”
Here two beliefs collided: “a man should earn in a family” with another family driver, where this value does not exist, but, on the contrary, a woman earns more, and she is satisfied with this.
3. Monopoly on family budget management.
As they say, he who pays calls the tune. The sole breadwinner often disposes of what he gets. It happens that the second non-working partner takes control of the distribution of funds. Conflicts arise if decisions are made by a partner alone, without taking into account the opinion of the second, especially if the second earned the money. It is logical if the controlling stake in the distribution of funds belongs to the main breadwinner in the family.
Example:
Olga: “You stopped giving me good gifts, you save on my vacation! Before the wedding I courted, but now I have stopped. You do not love me anymore?"
Ivan: “Dear, now we are a family, and we have a lot of expenses: an apartment with a mortgage, a car requires expenses, we are building a house, vacation twice a year, my education, your leisure time. I earn money alone, I have to take everything into account so that I have enough money. I was more generous to you, I wanted to please you, but now we have other tasks. I love you just as much and I’m ready for anything!”
Olga: “I thought that you wouldn’t skimp on your wife! I don’t work, you know my position, dad provided for the whole family and mom never worked, everyone was happy. You should try to earn more if we don’t have enough, you’re a man!”
Ivan: “Darling, I’m trying my best. It’s difficult for me to handle so many of our projects alone. My mother worked equally with my father, supported him and they lived together. Maybe you can do something? You have an education."
Here, in addition to the monopoly on budget management, there are also different family drivers: “the man provides for the family” and “both work equally.”
The wife is in a childish position, she demands and is capricious, takes offense if people do not give in to her. The husband, being gentle, tolerates and gives in. There would be no problem if her father’s position was convenient for her husband (giving, caring for a child, indulging his whims). But a conflict forms within the husband: to increase momentum in his work and provide for all the whims of his wife, or to defend his interests and involve his wife in the formation of a joint budget, which is more familiar to him.
There was no talk of an agreement between this couple. After some time, thanks to therapy, Olga managed to take a more realistic look at the possibilities of the family budget and demand less, and Ivan was able to be firmer in his decisions.
4. The only breadwinner in the family.
This situation in itself is not easy for all family members, since everyone depends on the performance, condition and mood of the main breadwinner. The responsibility of the earner is also high.
Sometimes this is the only possible situation, for example, when the wife is on maternity leave, or the second partner is sick. It would be good if this did not last long, and the second partner could also contribute. Conflicts arise from high tension in relationships, dependence of everyone on one family member, and failure to take into account the opinions, interests, and needs of a non-working partner.
5. Claims about low earnings, insufficient investments in the general budget.
Example:
Maria: “I don’t like that you, while earning a lot, allocate only 20 thousand to the general budget. I have to save on good products to fit into the budget."
Semyon: “We agreed that I would contribute this amount. You earn good money yourself, you can spend your money if you want to live better. I’m happy with everything.”
Maria: “Yes, but you live in my apartment and rent out yours. And since then I began to earn much more than when we just started living together. Let's make the overall budget larger, because there is an opportunity!
Semyon: “Then I will have to save on my leisure and hobbies.”
This couple managed to agree on an increase in the total budget. The partners turned out to be open to each other’s needs, respected each other’s feelings, and were able to come to an agreement without reproaching or judging.
Types of family budget
- General (fully joint)
- Separated
- Mixed (partially shared)
How to resolve family conflict over budget?
The algorithm is simple. At any conflict situation there is a reasonable chain of actions that involves:
1. Recognition of the fact of the problem by both spouses.The more concisely, more accurately and specifically the problem is named, the easier it will be to find its solution.
2. Discussion of the problem.
In short, there is a lot that you will have to deal with: your partner’s feelings and beliefs, willingness to compromise or stubbornness, lack of desire to establish financial relations and take responsibility.
3. Finding solutions to the problem.
The constructive part of the work of two partners with a mutual desire to improve relationships in a couple.
Feelings and logic. How to talk about money?
A little more about working in pairs, expanding the above algorithm.
It is important for each partner in a marriage to understand their attitude towards money. In the beginning, this is the story of financial relationships in parental family. With which family rules and your beliefs have grown. What words did you hear most often from parents: “we’ll buy whatever you want”, “we can’t afford it”, “money is evil”, “never borrow”, “money is not a problem” and so on.
How do you feel about money and spending it? Is money a resource and energy or something that drains you? Do you spend happily or with difficulty? What do you easily give money for? What will you never pay for? How do you manage to accumulate? Are you saving, and is there a reason for it? real reasons? What is the first thing you start saving on? Are you planning your expenses for the near future? Or does the money suddenly run out?
How do these questions and their answers make you and your partner feel? When talking about your preferences and feelings, it is better if you do it respectfully to your spouse, from I-messages (I feel anxious; I get upset when you...; I get offended), without judging your partner and with the desire to hear him in response.
Then it is important for the two of you to discuss your beliefs in order to understand where you agree and where you do not, and how fundamental your differences are.
Choose for your family suitable look family budget.
Discuss with your partner your joint financial priorities for the long term: real estate, education, health, recreation, as well as immediate tasks, for example, buying a car, furniture or renovation.
The ability to negotiate comes with experience, so if you make it a rule to arrange periodic financial meetings, this will only add clarity and trust to your relationship.
I wish you good relationships, including financial ones!
Financial problems are unhappy marriages and divorces. You can argue with each other, blame your partner for failures, and withdraw into yourself. Only all these actions will not solve your problems, but will only worsen them. Marriage is a partnership and problems need to be solved together as a team. .
Mistake #3 - Lack of a financial plan.
I won’t get tired of repeating this like a parrot, from article to article! Spouses must work on their financial present and future as a team. There is no financial future until the two of you sit down and talk about where you as a family see yourself in 15-10-5-3-1 years. These plans may include the purchase of an apartment or house, cars, education of children, the formation of a financial cushion and savings for themselves and children, travel and other important things for the family. life goals and dreams. Next, you need to arrange these goals by year and month in your. A regular Excel spreadsheet will do for this. Such discussions about your future will be very useful not only for the family wallet, but also for strengthening your family as a whole.
Mistake #4 – There is a plan, but nothing goes beyond that.
One plan is not enough; it is important to regularly check and analyze it. To do this, once a month, every quarter or six months, the two of you will need to sit down and analyze whether your plan is being fulfilled or not. This is not a very romantic thing, so you can try to decorate it somehow, for example, you can arrange such a mani day in a cafe, ending it with lunch or dessert.
Mistake #5 - Trying to change each other.
In the above example, as in the example above, the couple must agree on a minimum, for example, that each spouse will put aside a certain percentage for savings and for family needs (utilities, rent, car, food, etc.), and all the rest of the money will be spent as each spouse wants. Whoever wants to save will save, whoever wants to spend – let him spend. But we will have to come to an agreement.
Mistake #6 – Trying to control each other.
It's unpleasant to be controlled. Men perceive this especially painfully. Agree on the minimum - this is “mine”, this is “yours”, “this is ours”. We control “ours” together and don’t interfere with “mine” or “yours.” You can also agree that we control and discuss all large purchases.
It is important that each spouse has his own money, which he can spend as he wants and not have to answer to anyone.
Mistake #7 – Trying to impress someone.
Don't give a damn about how other people are doing. Don’t try to compare yourself and catch up with someone - this is a stupid and thankless task, leading to depression and poverty. It's important to be yourself and live within your means (and without debt!) Financial decisions need to be made thoughtfully, relying only on your capabilities and in accordance with the family financial plan that the two of you must agree on.
The classic example is dear wedding when young people and parents, in an attempt to impress relatives, friends or each other, or following the stereotypes “How it should be” or “It must be no worse than what friends had,” spend on one wedding evening amounts commensurate with the family’s annual income or even more. An even more stupid decision is to get into debt because of this.
Mistake #8 - Stereotypical thinking.
“A man is the breadwinner, he should earn more, and in any case, he should manage the money.” This is of course nonsense! Let the two of you manage money (strategy, investing, big purchases) by the one who does it better. The size of your wallet and earnings have no effect on this.
As I've gotten older (I'm 38), I've come to the conclusion that family is a partnership, it's a team, emotionally and financially, and that involving your wife in financial decisions is a very good thing. This completely synchronizes your goals, gives a woman a sense of security, gives you a general understanding of what we invest our time, effort and money in and what we don't. You understand your life goals, and don’t just live together and go to work for some reason.
Mistake #9 - Giving or borrowing from relatives.
Failure to comply with agreements often leads to serious problems in relationships between spouses and relatives. If you absolutely cannot do without it, record all agreements on paper. Otherwise, in a few months you will argue about who said what to whom and how much they owe. If for some reason you cannot repay your debts to your family, hold off on expensive purchases until you repay the debts and, of course, honestly tell your family about the problem.
Mistake #10 - Combining your finances with a partner who has a completely different money management style or different goals in life.
If your spouse likes to gamble, it is not wise to pool your finances because... he can ruin not only himself, but also your family.
Mistake #11 - Combining family finances with a partner you're not sure about.
Mistake #12 - I earn money, so I decide!
It doesn’t matter whether the wife works or not, whether she earns less or more, the wife has a say in financial matters. This especially applies to women with children. It is impossible to evaluate the mother's contribution to the family, because... he is priceless. Any money compared to this is simply ridiculous. That's why, dear women, get rid of feelings of inferiority or guilt (if any) about not working or earning less. Everyone has their own role and contribution to the family and it is not measured by money.
Mistake #13 – Finding someone to blame.
Never attack your partner over money issues. It doesn't matter who is to blame. Insults, feelings of guilt and shame, irritation and humiliation will not solve your problems. Your overall goal is to solve the problem, not to find and humiliate the culprit.
If you find it difficult to talk about money without emotion, try changing the time and environment. You can move the conversation to the morning (the morning is wiser than the evening and there will be fewer emotions) and talk, for example, in a cafe, where you will be forced to control your emotions.
Mistake #14: Trying to “buy” relationships or love with money.
Research shows that couples where commercialism prevails have worse relationships in all respects. Shared time, experiences and impressions strengthen relationships more strongly and remain in the memory much longer than material gifts.
Mistake #15 – Lack of safety net, savings and insurance.
According to statistics, 78% of people, every 10-15 years, experience some very serious negative event (list of 15 emergency events). Problems like this can ruin you for years. financial well-being family and, as a result, destroy the marriage and the future of your children. When you live alone, do what you want! But when you have a family and children, pretending that nothing will happen to you and not having an airbag and insurance (life, car, apartment, health) is simply irresponsible.
Mistake #16 - If you get married, you can relax.
“I have a lot of work”, “I have children”, “I don’t have the energy and time”, “I have renovations” and therefore “I have no time for myself, no time for sports, etc.” . From personal experience I know 1000% that playing sports is just a matter of desire! Unhealthy lifestyle and nutrition, lack of exercise will sooner or later lead to health problems, which are very expensive, as well as a lack of interest in each other.
“According to statistics, both men and women gain several extra pounds in the first years of marriage, and also play sports much less often.”
Mistake #17 - Failing to celebrate small victories.
Saving money, counting income and expenses, drawing up a financial plan - all this is very, very important, but quite boring and dreary at first!)))) It is important to be able to celebrate small victories! If you gave up some habits and saved several tens of thousands of rubles a year as a result, go to a restaurant and celebrate this victory with a romantic dinner (read how to do it) and a bottle of wine (about wine)! Make each other small and nice gifts. Money should bring joy!
Conclusion
It doesn't matter whether you will pool your finances or not and who will take charge financial solutions in your family. It's critical that you start talking honestly about your family's long-term plans and how you will achieve them. At the same time, there is no need to try to change or control your partner or, even worse, look for someone to blame for the problems. You need to agree on small rules that will move your family towards your goals. It is important to discuss your plans together.
👋 And I wish you well-being in finances, family and in life!
Timur Mazaev was with you, aka MoneyPapa - an expert on family finances.
Money is a vital resource; managing money gives people confidence in the possibility of survival and well-being. The loss of the ability to manage money is psychologically perceived as a threat not only to social, but also to physical well-being. At the same time, it is not so important whether you actually face death from hunger or deprivation of housing, since the historically established program “money = survival” works unconsciously.
There are several reasons for difficulties that prevent spouses from resolving financial issues within the family.
Different values of spouses
Money is a tool for maintaining and maintaining your values. We exchange money for what we consider important to ourselves: pleasures, appearance, things, status, obligations to loved ones.
Thus, by buying theater tickets, we serve our aesthetic or entertainment needs; by buying expensive accessories, we serve our needs for social status When traveling with our family, we follow our family values.
In a family, spouses do not always have exactly the same values, and the hierarchy of these values is more likely an exact coincidence - rare case. If the values are different, then a situation arises when a single monetary resource needs to be spent on servicing the different values of the spouses. Talking about money is often a conflict of interest:
Expensive clothes or savings for a rainy day?
The spouse may have a priority for his image and the status impression that he makes on people; he is ready to spend a serious cash flow on this. But the wife is most concerned about stability, and she feels calm only when there is a tidy sum of money in the stash. There is a conflict of values: image versus confidence and calm.
Vacation or car?
A wife may want to go on vacation, even on credit, because it is important for her to get away, spend time away from routine, and get new impressions. The value of pleasure may be a very high priority for her. And the husband may want to buy an expensive car, because he feels the need to meet the level that is established at his job.
Please note that we are not simply dealing with a clash of interests, but with a deeper issue, a question life values that are satisfied through money. This is why it is not easy to give in in financial disputes, since we must sacrifice our values, and not just our immediate desires.
Of course, the whole point is that your “wants” are seen as reasonable and necessary. And if not necessary, then forgivable. And other people’s desires... well, how can you even want this?? Or is it so insignificant that you can tolerate it.
Exercise "My values"
This psychological practice is done together with a partner:
- take two sheets of paper and write a list of your values
- number the values according to their importance in your life
- next to each value, write two or three ways in which you realize or can feel the presence of this value in your life.
Example:
- Value: close people. How I implement it: I spend time with my family, help my parents
- Value: health. How I implement it: I go for checkups, play sports, eat right
- Value: career. How I implement it: I work with full dedication, study additionally, explore opportunities for promotion
Compare your list with your husband's (wife's) list.
It’s good if the value systems of the spouses coincide or are very close. In this regard, marriages of people from the same cultural environment have always been valued. This is not a prejudice, but a reasonable basis. It is easier for people brought up in similar coordinate systems to agree on important issues, including financial. If spouses were brought up in different cultural, educational, religious, and financial environments, then their value systems and understanding of what to spend money on can vary greatly.
Different ideas about how to live are often the basis for family conflicts. The more similar the spouses' ideas about how life should be, the fewer problems there will be. For example, if both consider frugality and financial responsibility to be a value. Or, on the contrary, both feel great, treating money frivolously (perhaps such spouses will start out purely financial difficulties, but there may not be conflicts around finances). Spouses’ ideas about who manages the family’s money are also important. So, if both spouses believe that the husband controls the money in the family, there is no ground for discord.
However, this is not always the case. Spouses' different ideas about how life should be structured are a normal, common occurrence, a typical picture. One of the natural and obligatory tasks of marriage is to reconcile different systems two views different people, without trying to “break” or educate a partner.
Naive and dangerous for family life believe that if your partner loves you, then he will want the same thing as you: he should, since he loves you!
Different vectors of spouses’ goals
Marriage is a union of two people, only partially connected to each other by factual and psychological obligations; in any marriage, even with very fused relationships, there remains a territory free from the partner.
People living together have:
- Individual goals
A person needs something for himself personally: things, entertainment, etc. The second may need this only for the peace of mind of the partner. If calm and good mood the spouse is not seen as important, then the individual goals of the other do not concern the person at all, they are only an obstacle to satisfying his own needs.
Individual goals of spouses often become an arena of fighting; the most popular topics for clashes here are:
- Children from previous marriages
- Parents
- Toys, accessories, hobbies, passion for which your partner does not share. These things, despite their obvious optionality in life, can consume significant financial resources.
- Joint goals
Traditional joint goals include, for example, children's education or real estate.
Joint goals can also become a point of contention due to different guidelines and values. For example, a joint goal - renovating a house - can cause heated debate due to different presentation about how much to spend on things like interiors (values relative to lifestyle).
Also bad relationship in a couple they constantly become the cause of conflicts in the area of joint goals. In this case, the relevant question is who will own the common property in the event of a likely divorce.
Money is a contested territory
The difficulties of talking about money include the fact that money is always a contentious area in marriage.
Whose money? The one who earned it? But the second often provided such an opportunity, caring, for example, for children in which both partners were interested.
Money in marriage equally? But often the one who earned more claims greater rights in deciding where the money will go, and this is understandable.
There are no clear frameworks and rules for dividing financial territory in a family.
When talking about money, it is important to take these subtleties into account; a good tactic is to directly ask your partner how he sees finances in the family - common, partially common or separate.
Psychological fusion of spouses
The psychological fusion of partners in marriage has Negative influence on people's ability to negotiate constructively about money issues. A person in a merger, as it were, “appropriates” his spouse and believes that his thoughts and intentions should be identical to his own. In this case, there is no readiness to see reality and understand that in front of you is really ANOTHER person.
While people are just meeting, a common future and mutual obligations are not defined, everything is calm. People feel the border between their own and someone else's monetary territory. Although women tend to lay claim to a man's financial territory even before marriage: a woman, as a rule, expects a man to spend money on her even during the courtship period.
When a couple gets married or simply begins to live together, the future begins to be seen as common, personal boundaries shift. After this, the partner’s spending “on himself” seems to be a threat to personal well-being, since the financial resource is seen as a common one.
However, the changes of each spouse are not always symmetrical with the changes of the partner. That is, one often still thinks in terms of “my” and “your” money, while the other already has completely “our” money.
- Spent money on fishing gear?? How? This, knowing that my son has no winter clothes!
- Did you buy a new coat? This is despite the fact that I'm saving to pay off the mortgage and working like hell! And why, by the way, does she need a new coat if she doesn’t leave the house, sits with the child...
- Wants money for stage acting lessons? I would prefer to save at least something for a rainy day, rather than spend it on all sorts of nonsense.
- Expensive bag? And he criticizes my spending on equipment...
When spouses have united boundaries and become not “I” and “you”, but “we”, the partner’s spending, his manner of handling financial resources becomes critically important to him. Money is seen as shared, even if it is clear that someone has earned more. When a partner spends money “on himself,” that is, on what he personally (but not you!) considers important, you feel that your needs are being infringed and your personal well-being is being threatened.
When boundaries merge, spouses may develop an infantile need for their partner to understand your impulses (the tendency to buy shoes, buy expensive accessories, equipment, live in expensive hotels, give money to relatives). Ideally, the partner should even share them. A theme that often comes up in family counseling is that people want their spouse to want what they want.
Desire in itself is neither good nor bad. Problems arise when there is an expectation that your needs should be the focus of attention, but there is no willingness to see and meet the needs of another.
- So a wife may want her husband to be lenient with her spending on jewelry, but be intolerant of his spending in restaurants when meeting friends.
- A woman may expect family money to go towards her education (personal development needs), but resent if her husband gives a lot of money to his family (need to follow his family values).
- A man can demand from his wife an understanding attitude towards spending m on your own sports hobbies, but be intolerant of her desire to spend money on stupid things like personal care or clothing.
Limited financial resources
The basis of monetary conflicts - the multidirectionality of interests and needs - is based on the main basis - the limited monetary resource.
The monetary resource is always finite, no one has access to the limitless cash flow. Even if there is a lot of money, other people besides you are vying for this piece of life resource and want to use it in their own way.
In any amount of money there is an idea of a shortage of funds, since the needs on which the money is spent are growing all the time. We cannot, while earning more, remain at the same level of consumption. Big money requires lifestyle changes; the more money, the higher the needs and expenses. Yesterday you didn’t have enough money for a decent suit, and today you didn’t have enough money for luxury real estate. Money has become many times more, problems in psychologically essentially the same.
In rich families, there can be the same struggle for a vital resource - money, as in poor families, only on a different level. Small pearls can be as frustrating as thin soup.
When a monetary resource is limited (albeit within a wide framework), the gain of monetary territory by one person (large expenses on it) can be perceived by members of his family as damage. Since the amount of money and material goods limited, then something can only be won through redistribution at the expense of another. It's good if it's in the family a good relationship, and partners are able to receive altruistic pleasure from the joy of the other. But this does not always happen, and the division of a vital resource in the form of money can turn into a real war.
Money as a symbol of relationships
Money politics in a family is always associated with relationships of love and power. Often people express their love using a monetary resource, and often people tend to judge their attitude towards them by the amount of money allocated.
So, for example, a wife may nervously calculate how much money her husband spent on gifts for a child from his first marriage and compare these amounts with spending on her.
The mother-in-law can estimate the price of her birthday gift and compare this amount with the estimated income of her son's family.
Siblings may jealously watch how their parents distribute money among them, and always guess behind it different attitude parents.
Measuring love in monetary terms is cynical only at first glance. In fact, it's quite natural. A person usually receives money for work, that is, for investing his physical or intellectual energy. So yours vitality and he exchanges the time of his life for a “bio-survival resource” - money. And he gives this money (or does not want to give it) to his loved ones. Behind the return of money (equivalent to invested forces) there is a return vital energy. So the measurement of relationships “in money” ultimately has good reasons. Who will you give your life energy to?
Money is a resource that ensures life and status in society. Historically, ownership of a life-sustaining resource was a guarantee of human physical survival. That is why the right to manage money is valued so highly, and the absence of this right is felt so acutely and painfully, despite the fact that modern society you may not be in danger of physical extinction.
The monetary, “bio-survival” resource accumulates among the most viable and active members of society, which is completely natural. The same applies to the primary unit of society - the family; financial leverage ends up with the more adapted, active members of this family, capable and willing to act, influence the situation, and take responsibility. If you are dissatisfied with the distribution of finances in your family, then most likely you are dissatisfied with your hierarchical position and status in the family.
© Elizaveta Filonenko
