What does it mean to love yourself on a spiritual level. Don't tell others about your shortcomings

Love is the basis of life as such. Thanks to her, new people are born, she forces us to change and become better. But the most main love- This is a person’s love for himself. Only by accepting ourselves and experiencing respect can we live fully and be happy. Unfortunately, this is not always the case, and sometimes it seems to a person that it is absolutely impossible to love himself.

How can we not love ourselves?

How can you find out that you don’t love yourself, how does this manifest itself?

• When you are faced with even a small problem, you panic, and the world shrinks to the size of this very trouble;
• An obsessive desire to be loved by everyone;
• Constant self-flagellation and guilt;
• Excessive dependence on the opinions of others and the desire to hear praise from them;
• Low professional self-esteem, manifested in the fact that, even being a first-class specialist in your field, you believe that someone can work better than you;
• Any criticism is perceived as an insult;
• Willingness to work “exhaustively”, lack of attention to oneself and one’s condition;
• An acute feeling of self-pity;
• Your own thoughts and ideas seem absolutely worthless and meaningless;
• The desire to achieve an ideal in order to please everyone;
• Reluctance to seek help and solely solving all possible problems independently;
• Dislike for your body;
• The desire to be invisible to everyone and the unwillingness to communicate about one’s own discomfort;
• Inability to say no.

This is such a long list. Moreover, it can be expanded indefinitely, because there can be a great many manifestations of self-dislike. Each of us may have our own characteristics in this regard. By the way, self-dislike does not always permeate all areas human life: sometimes it manifests itself more professionally, sometimes more personally.

Reasons for not loving yourself

In order to understand how to love yourself, you need to understand the origins of this hostility. Most often, the roots of many of our problems “grow” from childhood. And this is not surprising, because everyone Small child, in fact, Blank sheet, which is filled over time thanks to the efforts and actions of others. These two roles remain in our souls forever: small child who craves love and understanding from family, and an adult who scolds and controls us.

And everything would be fine, since these two parts completely balance each other. However, if a child has problems in childhood, he is constantly scolded and criticized, then he looks for the cause of all these troubles in himself. And he comes to the conclusion that he is simply bad. But if he were good, then everything would be different. Thus, the child begins to reject some of his traits. This is how the seeds of self-dislike fall into the soil of our soul and begin to germinate.

In some cases, parents try to realize their own dreams and expectations at the expense of the child, which are not destined to come true. They don’t understand how to love themselves without this, and, accordingly, they try to raise a “normal” person out of the baby, because this is the only way they can feel sympathy for him. For example, your mother dreamed all your life that you would get married and raise children, and you chose a career. It is logical that you now feel uncomfortable because you did not please your mother, and she considers you a bad daughter.

And sometimes we do not correspond to society and the spirit of the times. Modern world is so arranged that we all, by and large, try to be similar friend against each other and compete in our success. And if any person gets out of this human flow, then there is a high probability that he will not be able to love himself. If we take the same example with marriage and career, then girls who do not want to chase success in our society, because they prefer to cook borscht for their husband, may have difficulty accepting their own values.

Finally, sometimes we drive ourselves into conditions from which it is not possible to get out. We set a bar for ourselves that even Michael Jordan and Steve Jobs could not reach - but we are trying! For example, a person wants to earn a lot of money (why?) and he goes to work for a large corporation with appropriate treatment of employees and working conditions. After a year of varying success, he begins to slowly gnaw at himself for the fact that he is unable to become an exemplary “office plankton.” Although it is generally unclear why he needs this.

Another reason why many people dislike themselves is the experience of failure. Unfortunately, not all of our endeavors end in success: the project may be rejected, your favorite flower may wither, and your beloved man may break up with you. And in this case, the temptation is very great to plunge into guilt up to your ears and indulge in self-flagellation for a long, long time. After serious failures, it can be very difficult to love yourself and start doing something again, but without this you are doomed to a very unhappy life.

How to love yourself?

Everything may be clear with the reasons and manifestations, but the question of how to love yourself still remains open. But only you can solve it, because it’s up to you state of mind depends on your self-esteem. Psychologists have developed a number of tips and recommendations that will be useful and interesting to any person, regardless of his sense of self and worldview.

Advantages and successes

You can say that you have nothing special to love yourself for. This is not surprising, since you notice only failures and shortcomings in yourself. It is not known who instilled this habit in you and when, but the fact remains that it greatly interferes with your life. But it is absolutely not necessary to feel hostility and disgust towards yourself for the rest of your days!

How to love yourself if you don't do anything? No way! Therefore, start being active in the direction that most appeals to you: work, hobbies, personal life. If at first you encounter failures, then do not be upset - give yourself the right to make mistakes, because you are doing this for the first time. And with your first success, rejoice and record this fact in the list of your personal achievements. Write down even mere trifles in it, for example, “I didn’t yell at the rude woman on the trolleybus” or “I resisted eating the second cake.”

Be sure to make a list of all your strengths and qualities that distinguish you from everyone else. Just turn off the criticism and evaluate yourself as if from the outside, as an outsider. It will soon become clear that you are pretty, smart, etc. … Don’t forget to refer to these lists at least once a day and recharge yourself with self-love from them.

Feelings

In our culture, the manifestation of such feelings as resentment, anger, anger, sadness is condemned. We get used to hiding them and slowly become disillusioned with our body, which for some reason strives to experience these emotions. Therefore, it is very important to learn to allow yourself to feel what you feel, as well as to correctly express these emotions.

For example, you are offended by your friend. Out of habit, you want to immediately hide this emotion deeper, and also shame yourself for its appearance. But you don't need to do this! Emotions are natural and voluntary, and since we react with them to some event, it is likely that it deserved it. Your friend really hurt you and you have the right to express it to her. It is possible that she could not even think about how unpleasant her behavior was to you. Or maybe it’s convenient for her to “wipe her feet on you,” but then you should think about why such a friend is needed?

Affirmations

There is one great psychological tool, who slowly teaches us self-love. It's called affirmations. Its essence lies in pronouncing special verbal formulas that program our consciousness to positive thinking and perception. By using these formulas just a few times a day, you can see noticeable improvements within a month. Example of positive affirmations:

• I am the most charming and attractive;
• The world is open to me, and I achieve success in everything;
• I have a beautiful body;
• I give people joy and light;
• The source of inspiration is within me;
• I love and value myself;

These statements are just a sample - in fact, there are an infinite number of different affirmations. The most important thing when using them is their origin within you. positive energy and joy. And, of course, regularity. You need to devote time and effort to this activity, and not pronounce them in a hurry - only then will the affirmations gain strength in your soul.

Visualization

Another psychological exercise aimed at achieving the desired state, that is, self-love. Your task is to imagine in every detail what will happen when you love yourself. We have prepared questions that will help you evoke the desired image with all the details:

• What will you wake up to in the morning?
• What will you look like?
• What will your gait and gestures be like?
• What will you do every day?
• What won't you do?
• What will your speech be?
• Where and how will you live?
• Where will you work?
• What will your man and girlfriends be like?
• What will you do in your free time?
• What traits do you have compared to today?

Having answered these and other questions, imagine this picture. Look at it from all sides. Add smells and sounds to the image. Immerse yourself in it and stay in this life for a short period of time - at least five minutes. After that, get out of it and listen to yourself and your inner sensations. By doing this exercise regularly, you will gradually become the person you imagine - confident and loving yourself.

Changes

But self-love does not at all imply humility and acceptance of those qualities that, obviously, spoil your life and interfere with the achievement of happiness. Rather, it is about how to accept those traits in yourself that seem bad, but in reality are not. How to separate the wheat from the chaff? You should analyze where your desire to get rid of this or that quality comes from. If the reason is supposed condemnation from others and rules like “it’s necessary, that’s all,” then we’re probably talking about dislike for oneself and low self-esteem.

But if certain features really bother you - for example, excess weight or the habit of sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong, then perhaps you should get rid of them. To do this, write down in as much detail as possible on a piece of paper the manifestations of the character trait that irritates you so much. Add a column that includes a description negative consequences your actions. Think and analyze why you are behaving this way (perhaps you are becoming calmer or lazy to take any action). Finally, sketch detailed plan of how you could change things. And don't forget to follow it strictly!

Adoption

Unfortunately, not all of your traits can be changed - by at least, bloodless. And it would be sad if a person could change any little thing he doesn’t like - surely then our world would consist of billions of ideal cyborgs. Agree, it’s not very interesting to live in such conditions!

However, you need to do something about your dislike for yourself and your individual traits. And the key to in this case is acceptance. After all, none of us are perfect and you may have some flaws. In some cases, they even give you personality and unique charm. Therefore, love yourself for who you are, because if you didn’t have something, it wouldn’t be you anymore.

The weight of the past

It weighs heavily on many of us. This is especially clearly seen in the example of relationships with men: how we do not trust new partners because of the deceptions of old ones, we expect from them a line of behavior similar to previous ones, and we simply think badly about them. All this is our negative baggage, and some people have so much of it that it interferes not only with living, but also with simply loving themselves. The thought cannot leave my head: “If all this happened in my life, then something is wrong with me.”

This is not always true. For example, your first connections with men are not at all indicative of relationships in general, because then you simply did not have the experience to assess and predict the situation. In the future, it was you who made them your norm, forgetting that it could be different. This is not your fault - this is how people are made. But you can analyze your mistakes and correct them - in particular, if you respond to a different type of man. Either way, it's worth letting this one go negative experience and start living again.

Sometimes the art of self-love may seem like a very complicated science, but it is not. We get used to scolding and blaming ourselves simply because sometimes good attitude to the one reflected in the mirror may seem shameful. And this is wrong, because this person is the closest, most reliable and dear. And for this alone it is worth loving him with all your heart and soul.

Another frequently asked question associated with the practice of self-love. In many books they write - love yourself! At trainings they say that the reasons for failure are not self-love. But what does it mean to love yourself? Does this mean you need to tell yourself 200 every day? nice words? Or does it mean that you need to stroke your body in front of the mirror every day? Or should you smile at your reflection?
What do you need to do to love yourself? First, let's figure out what love is.

Love is a verb
Modern women do not like the fact that in the East girls are married off as children. For those whom their parents chose for them. But there is a rational grain in this. Knowing that she has a husband, the girl is no longer looking for anyone. Just like a boy, he can study calmly and not be distracted. Indian women say “You marry the one you love. And we learn to love the one we marry.”
in his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families” he gives an example. When, after the seminar, a man approached him and said that he no longer loved his wife.

"What should I do?" - he asked

“Love her,” Stephen replied.

“You probably didn’t understand me - I don’t love her anymore”

“Moreover, you need to start loving her. Love is a verb. So these are actions. Take care of her, listen to her, try to understand her. Learn to love her"

This is exactly what is missing modern families. Understanding that love is not just a chemistry of hormones that evaporates after 18 months. Love is work, it is work, it is action.

« Love is patient, merciful, love does not envy, love is not arrogant, is not proud, is not rude, does not seek its own, is not irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends…"(Epistle to the Corinthians)

If you look at the points, then:

Long-suffering- this means that she is able to overcome feelings of resentment and dissatisfaction, and is also able to forgive offensive words, claims, misunderstandings, opposing opinions and attitudes.

Merciful- this is about the fact that love is capable of being forgiving of mistakes, is ready to understand and get into the situation, help and support. Unselfishly.

Doesn't envy- that is, Love rejoices in what is, and with the happiness of its neighbor. I have exactly what I need.

Doesn't boast or be proud- it means that loving person can easily give up being right, stop “yaking” for any reason, in any situation. And it is also about the absence of contempt and arrogance.

Doesn't act outrageously- this is about the fact that there is no love in hysterics and scandals, there is no love in shouting and assault, there cannot be love in any form of violence and cruelty. After all, sometimes cruelty can be silent - such as a boycott.

Not looking for his own- that is, Love is capable of sacrificing its time, attention, activities, comfort - for the sake of the happiness of a loved one.

Doesn't get irritated- this means that the lover is capable of being the way he is, without trying to remake him in his own way.

Thinks no evil- this is about the fact that Love is far from revenge and ideas of justice - An eye for an eye and the like. There is no love in reproaches, injections, sarcastic jokes, or jabs.

Does not rejoice in untruth, but rejoices in the truth- that is, a loving person is always honest and truthful. Although the truth is not always beautiful and easy. This behavior is the basis of trust.

Covers everything, believes everything- this is about the fact that Love does not listen to gossip and trusts completely. With all my heart. Love without trust is no longer love.

Total hopes- means that sometimes you can only hold on to hope, and this will save you Hard time. Even when it seems that there is nothing to hope for, she is able to save.

endures everything- that is, she is able to forgive truly, with all her heart. Even if a loved one does something bad, ugly, or hurts. Love is able to forgive - but not from a position of arrogance, like a mischievous kitten, but from a position of love and acceptance.

Love never ends– this means never. Under no external circumstances. No matter how the other person behaves. Love does not depend at all on how he behaves. She just is. Always.

Love for another person is when I can sacrifice my comfort and rightness for the sake of the happiness of another person (The main thing in sacrifice is not to overdo it, since sacrificing comfort is not the same as sacrificing everything).

Love is a verb.

How is love born?

Love is not a feeling, but an action. This means that it is born when we do something for it, for example, we know how to love pets. Why? Because we invest a lot in them. Care, training, training, more care, attention. And over time, a strong connection is formed when they become family to us.

The same mechanism works with children. After all, even if the child is not his own, adopted, then together with caring for him, love is born. After a few years, we love him just as we would love our own. Why? After all, there is no physiological maternal instinct here?

Love appears when we fulfill our duty to another person. When we . When we do our best. When we give it time and attention.

Love is born from everyday little things - deeds, words, actions, care.

What about self-love?

All the same. Apply all of the above to yourself and get a step-by-step guide:

• Take time for yourself. Find at least 30 minutes for yourself every day. When you can do what you love in silence and solitude. Read books, sing songs, pray, draw, lie in the bath. Consistency is key here. Don’t just go away once a month for a couple of days, but find at least half an hour for yourself every day. Even if you have small children. Even if you have a lot of work. Love is a verb.
• Take care of your body. The body plays an important role in a woman’s life. It is very important to take care of him and help him cope with stress. All women are recommended for massage. All women are shown beauty salons with manicures and pedicures. Dancing, gymnastics, petal baths, skin care. Make it a daily ritual.
• Take care of your diet. What you put into your body is just as important. After all, you want to make your loved one healthier and more beautiful. Then why do you still eat so much? junk food? Carbonated drinks, sweets, fried foods, too spicy... Why do you feed your loved one fast food and processed foods?
• Take care of your communication. You wouldn't give your loved one to the wolves. And you yourself communicate with those people who humiliate you, ridicule you, and do not consider you anything. Wouldn't you like a company that will always support and help you? Take care of yourself - find such people (at least virtually - it’s not difficult).
• Do good deeds. Improve the lives of others around you. this will give you a reason to think less about your problems. And besides, it will help raise your self-esteem.

Spare no effort in taking care of yourself. Don't forget about yourself in the flow of everyday life. Don't push yourself into the deepest corner of your life.

This is exactly what self-love is. It is not born once and forever. Love is a constant process of care and attention. But only by knowing this miracle can you bring it into the world, share it with other people and illuminate the whole world.

"How to love yourself" - The topic is perhaps very important and relevant. I stop repeating more than once that before you want something, for example, the respect of others, you must first start with yourself. That is, start respecting yourself. I often hear things like: “How can you demand love from another person if you are unable to love yourself?” Therefore, today we will learn to love ourselves, because if we want to experience love for us from others, and indeed the love of our World, then we need to start, it would seem, from the smallest (but this is not so) - to love ourselves myself. And until we do this, it is unlikely that we will be able to feel that someone loves us.

A person does not know how to love himself. Why? Firstly, he has low self-esteem (read the article: "How to increase self-esteem") And, Secondly, people often confuse self-love with selfishness. Selfishness is when a person does everything exclusively for himself and has absolutely no concern for others. Even to your loved ones. Self love implies respect and enjoyment of one's own nature. Until we love ourselves, no one loves us. And even if he loves, we doubt it. Besides, we ourselves cannot love someone with dignity. Why? Because we don't know how to do it. Maybe this person is dear to you, but how much do you love him if you cannot do even the most banal things? To love the most beloved person - yourself!!!

When a person loves himself" right love", he is confident in himself. He has enough energy to give this love of his. And in return he receives more more love from others and from the world in general. If you intend to become a confident person, if you want to live free and wonderful life if you want to have great relationship with loved ones, family, with your soulmate - it is important to love yourself.

How to love yourself?

Now let's move on to practical advice, which will help you realize your Self and help you truly love yourself. The tips are not very simple and will require a little effort and time from you, but the reward will be great!

Tip 1: Stop beating yourself up.

Let's start with what you need to stop doing. Some people engage in self-criticism every day and do not notice how depleted they are. If this has become a habit for you, you yourself have noticed how you have closed yourself off from the world, from others and from yourself. Literally every day you destroy yourself. For small failures, you are ready to humiliate yourself so much that your soul is pierced every time by a sword with the sharpest end. Maybe I’m exaggerating, but this way you will see it more clearly.

While you scold yourself, you will not get rid of your suspiciousness, will not raise your self-esteem, will not open up to the world, will not do anything useful, will not love yourself, will not give your love to the world around you and nothing useful at all. Therefore, I remind you once again, the topic "How to love yourself"- important and difficult. In this advice, you should just stop scolding yourself for all failures, small or large, for your character (work on it) and just become calmer (read the article: "How to become calmer. 5 ways").

Tip 2: Be self-aware.

You must understand what you like in life. What do you love and what do you want to do? You must set yourself a goal. As long as you have at least one goal in life, life becomes more interesting. When a person knows what he is needed for, it becomes easier for him to love himself. After all, he realizes his importance.

Maybe you work as a veterinarian and rescue and treat animals every day. This is already great!!! You love animals and give them your love and receive it in return. You may not notice it directly, but when you return home, you feel satisfied with everything that happened that day. You have heard thank you more than once from a little girl for helping her kitten. And it brings you joy.

When we are self-aware, we can do good deeds and receive love for it. There is one exercise that helps you realize and find yourself in this life. Of course, this is difficult to do and will not work the first time, but still, do it. Who knows what quick effect Can you achieve?!

Take the paper and use a pencil to divide it into two columns. In the left column write:

• Who am I?
• What am I proud of?
• What am I aiming for?
• What am I best at?
• Who do I admire?

In the right column:

• Why don't I love myself?
• What do I not like about myself?
• What do people around me not like about me?
• What's the worst thing I can do?
• What am I avoiding?

By doing this exercise, you will get to know yourself even better. You will have the opportunity to eliminate your shortcomings. Do not put up with them under any circumstances, because humility is simply observing when you can correct them. And you can fix a lot of things.

Tip 3: Point out your strengths.

This is the opposite of the first tip. Instead of humiliating yourself, you look for dignity in yourself. Every person has them and everyone has had victories in their life. It’s time for us to remember them, and not just once, but to remember them every day.

Man is such a creature: he quickly forgets his victories, but remembers his failures forever. Is this about you by any chance? All you now need to do is take the paper again and write down on it all the victories that you have achieved in life and all the qualities that you like about yourself. You can do this every day throughout the day. What did you manage to do today? May refer to this article? Hmm... for me this is like a plus for starting a new life.

Tip 4 - get started new life.

The main thing here is two things: consistency and slowness. If you have started to change yourself and your life, you need to do it constantly, and not quit right away. You wanted to change your appearance. Every day, step by step, move towards this dream, I understand that you need everything at once, but it doesn’t happen. In addition, there is one nuance here as a plus: time flies quickly, and you won’t notice how another year has already flown by. If you worked on yourself during this year, what would you be like now? Is it worth stopping then? Should we hurry if time is already running out on us?

You must understand what you don't like about yourself and start changing it. This is how you start a new life. As you become better, you will praise yourself for your achievements, and, therefore, love yourself. Remember the time. There is no need for you to rush things.

Tip 5: Be kind to yourself and others.

Good is light both inside and outside of you. Why don't you bring another light into this world? Start smiling, even if your day is not going well. Now you have to tell yourself 80% that everything is fine and life is wonderful and 20% already express your dissatisfaction (it’s better to do this on paper). Why do I advise expressing dissatisfaction? The fact is that when a person expresses his dissatisfaction, he gets rid of it. This can be done at the gym, or when you are cooking. Openly expressing yourself alone with yourself is useful thing, but only when it is no more than 20% in your life.

Now, when you go anywhere, put a smile on your face. I remember when I walked on the street, I smiled, because I had to do it and it was already a habit. I saw how passers-by also simply began to smile in response. How this lifts their spirits (although some were only amazed at my smile). She's so infectious. While you smile, you look your best attractive person, and life smiles at you!

Tip 6 - change your environment.

There are people who underestimate you. That’s why your self-esteem drops, that’s why you don’t love yourself. There are such personalities in life - suppressive . It's kind of energy vampires who feed on other people’s energy, since they quickly deplete their own.

If you have such people and you know them, you can just talk to them about it. If you love each other or are friends, then such a nuance from your life in a relationship will disappear. If not, end the relationship.

7th tip - new beliefs.

You should program yourself to love yourself. Affirmations about self-love will suit you. Every day in a state of meditation you should listen to affirmations and feel with all your heart that this is so. When you wake up in the morning, say the first words: "I love myself for who I am." In 90 days, these lines will sink into your core, and you will no longer be able to help but love yourself. No matter what they tell you, you will still love yourself.

These are all the tips and techniques that you should use. In order to completely love yourself, you will not need much time. When you do this, love yourself, you will be able to succeed more in life and become truly loving and happy man. Great love To you!!!

Are you treating yourself well? Do you pamper yourself, do you consider yourself successful, do you accept yourself with all the shortcomings and complexities of nature?

Psychologists unanimously assert that in order to solve a variety of interpersonal problems, a person must first of all love himself. Why exactly? And isn’t love for others, for loved ones, for people in general, more important? Psychologists and psychotherapists from different cities told MIR 24 about this and how to accept and love yourself in practice.

Why is it important to accept and love yourself

Psychologists agree on one thing: self-love is basic item, necessary in order to love other people too, and the whole world, and generally feel comfortable.

First of all, it is good for health. Self-love is the most reliable vaccination against all kinds of psychosomatic diseases and prevention of stress, says Oleg Kolmychok, a psychologist, author of trainings and hypnosis specialist from Krasnodar.

Psychologist, full member of the professional psychotherapeutic league Larisa Nesterova from Omsk spoke even more clearly:

It's simple... If a person doesn't love himself, he explicitly or implicitly defines himself as “not good enough” and does not feel worthy. This closes the door to his success in different areas. He often takes the position of a victim and receives pity or “kicks” from those around him.

We can fully love others and enjoy this love only when we know how to love ourselves, says Lyudmila Yushchenko, a psychologist from the city of Kamensk-Uralsky.

- “Love your neighbor as yourself” - Jesus called this commandment the second most important. A person can learn to love, accept and understand others only when he knows how to love, understand and accept himself for who he really is, she told MIR 24.

Psychologist, supervisor, Gestalt therapist from Moscow Marina Ashimikhina agrees with her.

The German philosopher Erich Fromm said that if you do not love yourself, you cannot love another person, she believes. - For me, loving yourself means feeling yourself, your desires, needs, treating yourself with care, creating your own resources and using them wisely, and not using yourself from last bit of strength when exhaustion sets in. Also, in order to see, understand and love another, you need to understand and love yourself: Who am I? What am I? How do I? If you learn to respond to your pain, joy, your desires, then you will be able to respond to the feelings of another person close to you.

Psychologist and psychoanalyst from Moscow Dmitry Basov warns that in the everyday minds of people, self-love is often confused with selfishness or narcissism.

I like that definition,” he says. - Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love. In this case, the words “give”, “do for”, “care” become synonyms for the word “love”. And not “need”, “wait”, “suffer”... The basis of self-love is the ability to take care of yourself, to satisfy your real needs. This is necessary for the survival, development and normal functioning of an adult. Without basic self-love, a person simply will not survive, or will be extremely unhappy, dependent and depressed. Only a mature person who knows how to take care of himself can love others. A person who does not love himself can only be needy and call his dependence love.

How to understand that it's time to change your attitude towards yourself

Psychologist Yulia Kupreikina believes that this is not difficult to understand.

Do you consider yourself a failure? Do you feel like there is nothing attractive about you to the opposite sex? All these thoughts are reflected not only on your face, but also in your behavior, in your daily communication with friends, colleagues, and relatives, she says.

“If a person endures something for a long time in contact with others and suffers, if he doesn’t like his own life, then it’s worth thinking about,” says Larisa Nesterova. - Only it’s hardly worth “changing yourself”, but discovering the real you and loving the real you is very much so.

This understanding comes to each person differently, says Lyudmila Yushchenko. - And it depends on the person himself. If he thinks about why he is not valued, not respected, or why someone is constantly manipulating him, then this is already obvious signs self-dislike. And something needs to be done about this.

As a rule, a state of depression reminds us that it’s time to take care of ourselves, says Dmitry Basov. - When one’s own “I” is in the shadow of the “object” in a passive position. When there is no faith in ourselves, when we think that something good can only happen thanks to the efforts of other people, and not our own. Also, a criterion that it is necessary to pay attention to self-love is the absence of loved ones and emotionally warm, stable love relationship. A person who loves himself, and does not suffer from selfishness, always finds a stable and satisfying relationship where he is loved.

How to learn to love yourself

So what to do, how to love yourself with all your shortcomings? - we asked psychologists. And how should our self-love be practically, effectively expressed?

You can imagine being your own parent. And learn to love yourself from this position - learn to feel your needs and desires, accept mistakes as experience, give yourself support, etc. But it’s unlikely that you can do this on your own better than working with a psychologist,” says Larisa Nesterova.

“Feeling myself, approving, giving myself support, taking care of myself, nurturing myself, not allowing myself to be used, etc.” - she advises taking this attitude as a basis.

Lyudmila Yushchenko suggests using very specific techniques:

First, learn to see the positive qualities in yourself and others, no matter how difficult it may be, she advises. - Secondly, give yourself and others compliments every day. Just remember: your compliments must be sincere and truthful. They should also be constantly new, and not resemble a “broken record.” Thirdly, set goals for yourself, no matter how small, but be sure to achieve them! And every time you achieve it, praise yourself and thank yourself for your perseverance, for your work, for your efforts. After all, praise inspires. But avoid general phrases like “you’re great.”

Psychologist Yulia Kupreikina also shares her secrets:

Stop comparing yourself to standards, she says. - Remember that even successful businessmen and recognized beautiful models are not without complexes. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into two columns. On the right write your strengths, on the left – what you would like to change about yourself. If you try to be objective, you will see that positive qualities You have no less than reasons for dissatisfaction with yourself and the cultivation of complexes.

At the end of each day, Julia advises summing up positive results, remembering what you did best today. And also, look at your reflection in the mirror more often and don’t forget to smile. Try to find every day good words and say them to your reflection!
Psychologist Oleg Kolmychok believes that self-love should first of all be expressed in self-care. About your health, about your appearance, about satisfying your own desires, and not someone else’s. In obligatory observance of information hygiene - it is necessary to load the brain less with all sorts of negativity.

Self-love is, first of all, taking care of your development: intellectual, spiritual, psychological, professional,” he told the correspondent World 24 psychologist Dmitry Basov. - Secondly, this is the ability to create comfort around yourself - both physical and emotional. Thirdly, this is the ability to rejoice in your achievements, successes, your development and forgive yourself for mistakes and failures.

What if the meaning of life is caring for others?

There are people for whom caring for children, family, and other people is the meaning of life. Do they need to learn to love themselves more? Do I need to change myself for this?

It’s their right to choose whether they should study or not,” says psychologist Larisa Nesterova. - But a mature person is not only someone who cares about others. And a person who forgets about himself cannot really effectively care for others. Due to the lack of such experience with himself, he misses a lot. And with his behavior he demonstrates how to give of himself without reserve. And thus he teaches his loved ones how not to love themselves. In addition, there is a life crisis called “Chicks leave their nest.” When a person who is overly concerned about his children arranges his life, he is left without meaning. How will he live further if he doesn’t find new meaning? Big question.

I frankly feel sorry for such people and those they “care about,” says Lyudmila Yushchenko. - Such people sacrifice themselves to others, and this sacrifice may ultimately turn out to be of no use to anyone. Moreover, such a sacrifice causes pain and suffering for both those who care and those who are cared for.

Psychologist Marina Ashimikhina admits that in our society it is customary to sacrifice oneself, to live for the sake of someone.

True, many of those who sacrifice themselves do not ask whether another person needs this sacrifice, she laments. - Parents often say this: “I live for the sake of my children!” And in old age, they remake this phrase into this: “I put my whole life on you, and look how you treated me!” Another person becomes the meaning of life when it is impossible to find meaning in one’s own own life. Most often, such people build emotionally dependent relationships. It is difficult for them to rely on themselves, they experience panic and fear when they are left alone. And if the one who made up the meaning of life leaves, then the person himself “disappears, stops living, freezes.” Such people, first of all, need to turn to themselves, but it is difficult for them to believe that their problem is not that someone else has left, but that the person himself does not know how to come to himself. And up to 90% of all clients come to me with such a problem.

Excessive concern about others is a problematic aspect, says Dmitry Basov. - As a rule, the stimulus for such behavior is a deep internal deficit, a lack of faith in oneself, in one’s worth, necessity and uniqueness. Excessive concern for another acts as a desire to confirm one’s importance, not to feel in need of care, but to feel strong and confident. Such people, as a rule, act on the principle: put on a sweater - I'm cold! Excessive concern for another, from a psychological point of view, is a perverted form of self-care. I cannot take care of myself because I feel shame, guilt, helplessness... Then I place my “childish” part in another person and take care of him as if he were me, while at the same time I can allow myself to feel important, needed and almighty. As a rule, people who have undergone psychoanalytic psychotherapy, having learned to love themselves, begin to care for others only at their request and do what is important not for themselves, but for the one for whom this care is intended.

Oleg Kolmychok is even more decisive in his recommendations.

How is self-love different from selfishness?

How to understand where the border lies, does self-love mean ordinary selfishness? Psychologists clearly separate these concepts.

Lyudmila Yushchenko reminds us that selfishness is behavior entirely determined by the thought of one’s own benefit, benefit, when an individual puts his own interests above the interests of others (this is a quote from Wikipedia).

A person who loves himself will never consider himself superior to others, she says. - He knows his value, and accordingly knows that every person is as valuable as himself. Therefore, he will treat others with respect and love.

Ideally, when a person truly loves himself, he generously gives it to others from the excess of love within himself. Remembers his own interests, but tries to be careful with others. An egoist “goes over his head” in the name of achieving his own goals, says Larisa Nesterova.

Dmitry Basov explains that selfishness, like narcissism, is defense mechanism our psyche.

Selfishness is designed to hide the inner emptiness through an attempt to fill oneself with external things, he told a Mir 24 correspondent. - As if candy, cosmetics, a cool car or spa treatments can compensate for the lack of love and care from childhood. As a rule, egoism satisfies false needs that make up the façade of personality. An egoist always pulls the blanket over himself, not paying attention to how others feel. It’s as if he throws out his “needy” part, placing it in others: let others freeze and starve, but I will be fed and clothed...

Self-love and true care always take into account the interests of others, because for healthy person It’s important that your loved ones around you feel good too. And most importantly, self-love helps us satisfy the real deep needs for love, understanding, acceptance, which a selfish or narcissistic person prefers to ignore in himself, since they are too painful for him.

Veronika Zhitina, a psychologist and coach from Tomsk, told a Mir 24 correspondent:

Often the search for an answer to this question turns into “swimming between Scylla and Charybdis,” between fears that others will judge, accuse of selfishness, and the desire to show one’s individuality and realize oneself. Self-love is, first of all, accepting yourself as you are with your strengths and weaknesses, a feeling of your integrity. Egoism, on the contrary, does not want to see or admit its shortcomings; there are attempts to compare oneself with others in one’s favor, emphasizing those aspects of oneself that one likes and in which one is confident; the focus of attention of egoism is focused only on one’s own needs, ignoring others. Egoism lacks a holistic perception of oneself, another, the situation, therefore, perhaps, it is better to look not for the boundary between self-love and selfishness, but to develop a different perception of oneself and the world, to shift one’s focus from the particulars to the whole. As the ancients said: I am in the world and the world is in me.

Tatyana Rubleva talked with psychologists

For about six months I wondered how to love myself. On my blog you will find things that help you develop self-love. I felt that my lack of love for myself was the source of my the main problem... I have been actively working on this very issue for six months... It seems to me that it’s time to take stock.

"Love yourself! Just love yourself!” - psychologists, smart books and TV stars shout... But how? How can I accept myself as I am? After all, they convinced me that I was imperfect.

It was suggested to me that nice girls behave completely differently. Some kind of utopian ideal was imposed on me, which I am unsuccessfully trying to follow... I don’t have enough strength, I don’t have enough patience, I hate myself, I can’t help myself!..

Are you familiar with this situation? Do you often try to be someone else? Are you ashamed of your shortcomings? Do you reproach yourself for every mistake? Are you trying to fashion yourself into some kind of incomprehensible ideal?

Most girls don't know how to love themselves. Unfortunately, this is a fact... After all, the most clear signs self-dislike - the desire to attract attention by any means, the desire to please men at all costs, the need to constantly feel approval... Do you think that this does not interfere with self-love?

But the line here is very thin... Almost all girls try to look great. But someone will do it every morning light makeup for yourself, your beloved... And every time someone makes themselves beautiful for the sake of looks unknown men... For the sake of compliments from neighbors, colleagues... For someone male attention- just a nice bonus... And for some it’s almost the meaning of life.

Because without this attention they feel incomplete. Without this attention, they feel absolutely uncomfortable, uncomfortable... Thoughts appear from the series “nobody needs me,” “I’m terrible,” “no one will ever love me.”

It seems to me that an indicator of self-love is how you feel without the attention and approval of others. Do you need your own approval? Your own love? No, this does not mean that you need to live your whole life alone, throw yourself away beautiful dresses and thick mascara...

If you love yourself, you like to look good. You enjoy being the center of attention. Nice, but not necessary. You don't need everyone to approve of your style, your principles and your tastes. No need. You won’t deliberately shock others with your extravagant views... But you definitely won’t adapt either. Except for those situations when it is really necessary.

Did I manage to love myself?

I think yes. I managed to love myself. Perhaps there is still room for improvement. And I’m not going to stop this process... But now I’m shifting the focus to other aspects of my development. Because I perfectly feel the difference between what was and what has become... What has changed?

• I stopped constantly scolding myself for the lack of cleanliness in the house, for the lack of food in the refrigerator... And so on. As a result, I fell in love with cooking. Now . The apartment has become cleaner, although there is still room for improvement... But I do not demand perfect cleanliness from myself. It's quite good what it is. Moreover, in living conditions with infant.
• I stopped trying to please everyone. Relaxed while talking to other people. As a result, it became more interesting for me to communicate, I made many new friends... I wrote about this in the article “”
• I have become easier to relate to the child, learned to enjoy motherhood and manage everything... ("")
• I learned to calmly ask for help when needed. I have no qualms about asking my husband to babysit when I’m really tired. And at the same time, I learned not to abuse the help of others. If I feel good, I can do everything myself.
• I started taking more care of myself. Make up every morning, wear at home beautiful clothes... Even if no one sees. But at the same time, an old robe will not be a disaster for me. And if I didn’t manage to paint in the morning, I don’t get hysterical.
• I found interests other than the child. Blog, lectures, books, embroidery... Perhaps I’ll start going dancing soon. But I don't know yet. The question is not how my husband will spend one and a half to two hours with the baby twice a week... The question is whether I need this, whether it will not be an extra waste of energy.
• I stopped overeating. Finally started eating right. I used to eat several buns and a pack of cookies a day. I couldn’t tear myself away from sweets... Now I don’t eat rolls at all, sometimes I eat cookies - but no more than 2-3 at a time. And not every day. ("")
• I started getting up at 6 am and going to bed at 10-11 pm. I felt that this was better for me. Although I've never been a morning person. ("")
• I forgot my childhood grievances against my sister. Probably almost everything. As a result, it became much easier for me to live with her (and we live in the same apartment), to share food, space, a bathroom...
• I have become calmer, more relaxed... I don’t expect any feats or super-achievement from myself... As a result, I have achieved much more than could be expected.

What do we have to do?

I would like to give some advice to those for whom our topic is very relevant.

1. Do not wait instant results! You haven't loved yourself for so long... It will take more than one month of work to change the situation!
2. At first, try to redirect all your perfectionism to doing the exercises. It is especially important to master the exercise "" and "". There are many more exercises on my blog, but these two can work wonders... If you do them as carefully as possible, of course.
3. Take small steps every day. Gradually allow yourself more than before. Gradually allow yourself to not be perfect. This does not mean that we strive to become an irresponsible wife and mother. But on initial stage need to allow yourself to be anyone. Be who you are.
4. Constantly work on your desire for approval. Pay attention to how you strive to please everyone. How you try to intentionally say something smart or something funny... How you get upset if you are not noticed or not approved. Believe me, it's still useless. If you are trying to please, you are not sincere. And insincerity is repulsive.
5. In the end, don’t make self-love another obsession. Don't think about how to love yourself 24/7. Relax. Fanaticism has no place anywhere. Read the article "". But remember - at the initial stage, it may be useful to give all your strength to the exercises.

Louise Hay's advice on our topic:

If you are thinking about loving yourself, you are already on the right track! You are already starting to change... Many girls never ask such questions. I wish you good luck and joy! Be happy!