Why you shouldn't save your marriage for the sake of your children. Exaggerating the value of marriage for children

Consultations and practice in Syktyvkar - psychologist Nadezhda Yuryevna Yasinskaya, tel. 79-28-12 or 8-909-124-96-88.

The topic is not new. It has long been said that maintaining a marriage for the sake of children is a utopia. In our social circles, we often come across cases in practice where spouses live poorly with each other, but do not separate, convincing themselves that they are traumatizing their children by divorce.

Let's look at the situation from the children's point of view. Yes, full-fledged family is preserved, living conditions, the usual place of residence and study are also preserved, which, of course, is very important for life. But children grow up in an atmosphere of lies and tension.

The spouses lie to the child that everything is fine between them and these are temporary difficulties. The spouses lie to themselves that the child will grow up, and then we will each live our own lives. In some families, such an atmosphere sometimes persists for years, in best case scenario"peace agreement". Children grow up watching their parents communicate with each other, without love, without warmth, without interest in each other. One way or another, such a picture of relationships is deposited in the conscious and unconscious little man. Of course, the child experiences discomfort and learns to manipulate adults, because in such families there is often a hidden and irreconcilable war between parents, and they try to win children over to their side, using them as intermediaries in negotiations or compromises.

As children grow up, they are likely to reproduce similar relationships in their families. These children also develop a feeling of guilt for the sacrifice their parents made for them. It can be hidden very deeply, and they themselves do not recognize it, but they build their relationships with others through the prism of this guilt. It happens that parents out loud blame their child for their Misfortune, saying, “I endured it for your sake.”

>>Should I save my marriage for the sake of my children?

Should I save my marriage for the sake of my children or should I get a divorce? Is it necessary to live with a husband or wife for the sake of a child?

There is a widespread belief in society that children can serve as a holding factor for a family on the verge of divorce. And many women and men who find themselves in a similar situation become very topical issues: Should you live with your husband or wife for the sake of the child?? Should I save my marriage for the sake of my children? or is it better to get a divorce? It is these questions that torment many spouses who stand still and cannot decide whether to completely break off this relationship, or try to eliminate everything and improve it.

Is it possible to save a family by saving the marriage just for the sake of the child?

In the article "" we talked about this common belief that having one or can help. In fact, this is a common myth and nothing more.

Of course, the desire to live with children, the desire to make children happy can prevent, or, but this is only a temporary measure. Children cannot prevent divorce. How will they do this? Only the parents themselves can, if they want, of course, avoid divorce in the family, but to do this, they must do concrete steps in this direction. Moreover, both spouses should take such steps, trying to get closer to each other, and not completely move away.

Living together or living separately, which is best for the child himself?

Opinions on the question: is it worth living for the sake of children? Some believe that it is better for a child to live in a family, no matter what happens. Others believe that constant quarrels in the family will serve as a bad example for the child and develop an incorrect model of family behavior.

Next we will give one example of a real family. Twelve-year-old Vlad - . He stayed to live with his mother, and his father had his half-sister in . Although Vlad lived with his mother, he came to his father for the summer. The relationship between the child and new wife his father's life turned out well. He helped her with his sister. I changed her diapers and went to the store. For the stepmother it was very good support and help and, of course, she treated Vlad very well.

When the summer was ending and Vlad had to go back to his mother, his father asked him: “Will you go to your mother or stay with me? Which of us do you want to live with?” To which the son replied: “I don’t want to live with any of you. I want you and mom to be together and I would live with you.”

The above example is very illustrative. And it shows that the children themselves want to live in, with mom and dad. Even despite good relationship a child with a stepfather or mother, he will not love them the same way he loves his own parents. If the children have reached school age, i.e. When they become old enough, it is difficult for them to accept “someone else’s aunt” or “someone else’s uncle” and perceive him as a mother or father.

Of course, it is good for a child to live in a family if the relationships there are good. If mother and father constantly swear and quarrel, then he will also feel unhappy. Because his parents are unhappy with each other. And for the child this is a tragedy. He feels their strained, tense relationship and for him this is a very strong chronic stress that negatively affects his development.

So, we can conclude that it is better for a child to live in a family. Because during a divorce, children most often remain with their mother. And the man doesn’t do his part. Or it does it, but not fully. The role of the mother in raising a child, of course, is also great, but without a father, for example, it becomes very difficult and not all women cope with this.

True, there is one more “But”. As we have already said, the family in which a child grows up should be happy. Well, or at least, the relationship in it should be strong and friendly and the spouses should not hate each other. Do you understand what the point is? For a child, not only the parents’ love for him is important. For him, the love of his parents for each other is also important.

As we wrote in the article: "", a family is a team. And life is, accordingly, a game. And to win a prize from life called " family happiness", is necessary team game at one gate, not at different ones. And if the spouses are at odds with each other, then they will try to win over the child to their side. different situations and gain his support. But it is unlikely that a child will consider it happiness to be a judge for his own parents.

If you decide to stay married for the sake of the child

If the spouses have decided to stay married for the sake of the child, then they need to improve their relationship with their significant other. Questions: “Is it worth living with a husband or wife for the sake of children” must be brushed aside. After all, the decision to save the family has been made, and as the well-known wisdom says: “If you do it, don’t doubt it. And if you doubt it, don’t do it.”

If you decide to raise happy children while maintaining your family, then why not make yourself happy by improving relationships in this family? Believe me, it’s easier than building a new relationship with a new person, to whom you still have to get used to and you still don’t know how things will end with him. Often changing partners does not help. After all, if I don’t know how to fish, then changing the river won’t help me.

Also here. If we don’t know how to build relationships, then changing our partner won’t help us. Because in new family We will be required to do the same work to build relationships with our new husband or wife. And if we do not fulfill it, just like in our first marriage, then remarriage will not bring us happiness. After all

If we do not take as an example such situations when, in essence, there is no family at all - the relationship between the spouses has reached a dead end, and divorce will rather serve as salvation for all participants in this process - divorce is always a tragedy. Even if the decision to finally break off relations is made by completely adequate people who have maintained good relationships, but cannot move past past grievances or come to terms with the boredom and routine of family life.

How valuable is a parent's marriage for a child?

You have to sacrifice a lot for your children. Having become parents, most subordinate their lives to the interests of the child. Everything is now for him and his future. And personal happiness as well. But it’s one thing to go to someone you don’t love, but who gives good income work, and another thing is to live for years with unloved person.

Even if spouses who lost interest in each other, but decided to live together “for the sake of the child,” managed to avoid becoming family home to the “military training ground”, the child’s feelings should be taken into account. Yes, he feels everything. “The game of silence”, the eternal restrained discontent of parents is no less difficult for a child than scandals and divorce.

Parental divorce is traumatic for children, but is it as traumatic as is commonly believed? The main thing for ex-spouses- be able to understand that they will forever remain close relatives, and share their roles as father and mother. It is important that the child understands that, despite the fact that mom and dad live separately, he will always find love and support from both.

Is it worth saving a family for the sake of children?

It is worth seeing whether this family actually exists, or whether there are only two adults left, annoying each other only with their appearance. Will the child be able to unite them, or will he be the chain that chains the convict to the cart? And he will suit the role of such a “chain”.

Often hidden behind the parental “for the sake of the child” own desire spouses to save their marriage. Yes, old feelings no, but the alternative is loneliness or building new relationships, which may also not be better, plus habit, plus material well-being. For the sake of all this, parents stay together, assuring themselves and others that this is being done only for the sake of the children. The main thing is not to convince children that their parents’ personal lives were sacrificed for their “happy childhood.”

But wouldn't the realization that their parents gave up their personal happiness for their sake be even more traumatic for the children than the divorce? Moreover, it is very difficult to live for a long time without love, and a moment may come when one of the spouses is seized not by ordinary fatigue or a desire for change, but by real great love. Then all the brakes and chains may not hold, and divorce will be inevitable.

For the sake of the children, it is worth doing everything possible, not to save the marriage and the appearance of a family, but to save and revive old love. But if this is impossible, then for the sake of the children we should let each other go towards new happiness. After all, the best thing parents can do for their children is to be happy.

From a conversation at a bus stop:

It's been so long since I've seen you, Larisa! Since the institute itself? Twenty years! How life flies...
- Yes, somewhere like that...
- So how are you? Are there any children or grandchildren?
- I'm single.
- Why so? Didn't work out?
- Not really. It’s just that when I was a child, my sisters and brothers saw enough of how our mom and dad squabble from morning to evening: they either fight, then make peace, sometimes don’t speak for days, sometimes they open their mouths only to say that they tolerate each other as long as we are small. So, none of the five of us ever created our own family; even in childhood, we drank our fill of “family happiness”...

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Agree, in our society, where an unwritten law has taken root since ancient times: “Do not get divorced for the sake of the children!” the very idea that divorce can be, precisely, “for the sake of the children” sounds almost blasphemous. Thousands and thousands of women are ready to endure the yoke bad marriage, believing that their duty is to “preserve the children’s own father.” And one more thing more women ready to condemn the one who leaves her husband without “justifiable reasons.”

That is, if he cheats you with anything or drinks everything in the house, then you can still think about divorce. But if “your husband is no worse than others,” then come on, dear, look for the reason for your discord with him in yourself. Maybe you need to buy lace lingerie or smaller ones everyday problems Should I load my spouse? After all, he gets tired at work, and you start talking to him about a broken tap or about your son’s failing grade in chemistry! Is this what a smart wife does?

In a word, look for the reasons for family discomfort, work on yourself and don’t forget that children need a father...

Throughout many years I managed to meet many “problem” families and already divorced couples. Not being a psychologist, I, of course, cannot claim any smart, scientifically based conclusions and conclusions. I simply tried, from the position of an ordinary outside observer, to summarize everything that I have heard and seen over the years. So...

I LOOK LIKE I'M MARRIED...

It’s amazing how rich the Russian language is! It seems that there is not much difference in how to say “I’ll get married” or “I’m going to get married,” but in practice this means completely different life positions and guidelines. For some, marriage is a responsible step, it new status, and for life. And some people treat marriage (and marriage too!) as a “test of the pen”: if you don’t like it, you can always get a divorce.

A frivolous attitude towards family and marriage in general devalues, in general, any relationship between a man and a woman. Family traditions, fidelity in marriage, “my home is my castle,” etc. are becoming almost archaic these days.

Cohabitation, slyly called “civil marriage,” at a certain stage was considered as a way to avoid mistakes when entering into an official marriage. Like, let’s take a closer look at each other, try to live under the same roof, and then we’ll decide whether to go to the registry office or not. Moreover, there is even an opinion that families created after grinding into a “civil marriage” are stronger. However, over time, this myth dissipated, because objectively speaking, “civil marriage” has simply turned into a kind of nesting in mating season, when at any moment he or she can fly to build a nest at a new address.

Psychological unpreparedness of people for cohabitation living under one roof and running a common household leads to the fact that the very first difficulties in a young family (most often, domestic ones) today can become a reason for divorce. Not to mention the fact that after the wedding another problem is often discovered: girls simply do not know how to run a household, from cooking to distribution family budget, and the guys do not feel responsible for their family - neither material nor moral.

They quickly got married - they quickly separated, and failed spouses often remember about children only when they sort out issues with alimony and other obligations to them ex-husband(less often - wives). The argument in such hasty divorces is unbreakable: “The children will soon grow up and start their own families, but I have one life.”

LET ME LIE UNDER THE BENCH, BUT I WILL LOOK AT MY CUTE...

Based on the above, one could conclude that divorce is a consequence of the immaturity of the “marrying couple” and miscalculations in the home education of future mothers and fathers. Therefore, they say, we just need to force people to continue living under one roof (“If you endure it, you will fall in love”). But is this always the case?

Of course, immaturity and miscalculations in upbringing have their place. And it is possible that in some specific situation, it is sometimes enough for the older generation, wise in life, to simply stop the younger generation, who are already ready for divorce, in time, make them understand the reason for the disagreements, give advice, or even help improve their life. But sometimes other circumstances arise in families that require a radical solution.

It is clear that if a husband (wife) turns out to be a drug addict or a drunkard, then, having become convinced that all efforts to correct him (her) are unsuccessful, the wife (husband) has only one option left - divorce. The same applies to cases of domestic violence - not only physical, but also moral: normal person will not tolerate beatings, humiliation and bullying. Although there were times when women were ready to endure this for the sake of “married” status. It was then that the saying “Let me lie under the bench, but I’ll look at my dear one…” appeared.

What should you do if your husband neither drinks nor beats you, but living with him under the same roof becomes unbearable? What to do if every day (no matter for what reason) two people are rapidly moving away from each other, they begin to get irritated over little things, and own house perceived as a prison? And no amount of effort can change this state of affairs?

Surprisingly, but in similar situations many people continue to save their marriage “for the sake of the children.”

TORMENT FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN... OR FOR YOURSELF?

I once asked my colleague, who once again before the end of the working day, she openly “played for time” in order to return home later, just to communicate less with her husband - what makes her live in this marriage? The thirty-five-year-old woman replied: “I’m saving my son’s own father”...

How, after all, is this stereotype tenacious in our enlightened age: “ My own father no one can replace"! Although there are examples all around of wonderful stepfathers and useless fathers. And the word “native”, implying the participation of this specific man in conceiving a child, unfortunately, does not automatically mean his reverent attitude towards his own offspring.

You don’t have to have a huge intellect not to understand obvious things: your own dad who starts drunken fights at home or gives out money for diapers “on payment” needs to be driven out of the house by three necks. It is better not to have any father than to live with a usurper, an egoist, a pathological miser, a “dad” worthless in all respects.

It makes sense to think about divorce even when normal relationship things just don’t work out with a partner when there is a tense atmosphere in the house, and discomfort in the soul when family life turns into hard labor.

Of course, here they may object to me: “If the husband (wife) does not have critical shortcomings, then for the sake of the children one should endure. Once the children get back on their feet, then we can get a divorce.”

I personally fundamentally disagree with this: “for the sake of the children” you can give your life, “for the sake of the children” you can sacrifice some of your personal interests and hobbies, “for the sake of the children” you can quit your favorite job and become a housewife, but “for the sake of the children” save marital relations, turned into a yoke, and thereby deprive their children of a normal childhood, willy-nilly, dragging them into adult problems - only a stupid person or someone who thinks only about himself can.

By the way, psychologists note that most often the position “I’m saving the family for the sake of the children!” There is a woman’s (sometimes unconscious!) reluctance to remain without her husband, fear of loneliness, social discomfort (the status of a “divorced woman”), and children have nothing to do with it. It sits in her, drilled into her head for centuries, that “a woman should be with a man.” And the fact that the children will live in an atmosphere of, at a minimum, dislike between mom and dad is not taken into account, because they won’t tolerate this for long - they will grow up and move away, but their mother will remain in the status of “married” and not “ divorcees."

When I hear this notorious “I’m saving the family for the sake of the children!” I immediately remember my favorite novel “The Enchanted Soul” by the French writer Romain Rolland. The heroine Annetta addresses her friend:

You remind me of that mother who told her daughter that for her sake she did not leave her husband, although their family life was hell. And her daughter answered her: “So you thought that hell was suitable family hearth for the child?

Perhaps this brilliant remark is the answer to the question posed in the title of the article. Children, indeed, grow up very quickly and very quickly begin to understand that mom and dad don’t even have respect for each other.

Therefore, over time, the painful atmosphere of the parents’ unsuccessful marriage becomes a poison for children, corroding not only their soul, but also their attitude towards their parents. And subsequently, mothers who maintain an unhappy marriage supposedly “for the sake of the children” should not be surprised that the children run away from the “family nest” at the first opportunity, carrying away in their memories all the parents’ quarrels and a persistent reluctance to return, even on vacation, to the roof of a house where, in addition to ersatz -family, tears and childhood fears were nothing in their lives.

So, before you proudly say: “I’m saving the family for the sake of the child!”, you should think: does the child himself need this?

But there is one essential point that cannot be forgotten, no matter how family themes We didn’t argue: any opinion is just someone’s personal opinion. Each of us can only say for himself what he will do in a given situation. But giving advice or using your own story as an example for others who are faced with a similar situation is smart man never will. If only because we are all different, we all have different upbringings, starting positions, current status and specific circumstances.

Lida:
- Nina! I absolutely don’t understand you! Did you find yourself in the trash heap? He cheated on you, and you didn’t slam the door and leave him! For example, I didn’t stay under the same roof with my traitor for a minute! She left immediately!

Nina:
- You went to your mom and dad’s five-room apartment with your suitcase. And dad immediately got you a job in his company. But I have nowhere to go and no dad to help me find a job. But the most important thing is that in addition to my suitcase, I have three more children, one of whom is a student, the other is a schoolboy, and the third recently turned one and a half years old.

P.S

In light of the problem under consideration, the recent revelation of one 80-year-old grandmother became very revealing for me personally:

I still cannot forgive my mother for forcing us children to live with a father who did not respect or love her. She said she was saving us dear dad. And as I grew older, I realized that she was saving not our father, but her husband. I suffered, feeling the coldness between them, and I didn’t need all these candies, gifts and care from both of them towards me. I dreamed that at least once dad would hug mom tenderly, give her a compliment, and ask how she was doing. We, children, ran away from home as soon as we turned 16. And she continued to live with him, and even arrogantly declared her younger sister- "old maid":
- I’m not sowing in the field, I have a man...