Marital Relations: Where Has Love Gone? Where does love go? What are the stages of a relationship that a couple goes through?

Where does love go? Male look

Love lives for three years - so says a number of psychologists. A French publicist Frederick Begbeder even contributed to the popularization of this topic by devoting an entire novel to it about the primordial doom of any attachment. Is this true? Is it really, after just some three years, that which was so strong and all-encompassing just takes and dies? Perhaps yes. But maybe love does not go anywhere, it just takes on a completely different form?

First year- this is the so-called "candy-bouquet" period, full of euphoria, enthusiasm, happiness, joy, when the world, together with a loved one, is painted exclusively pink tones, and emotions and adrenaline overwhelm so much that, at times, it is impossible to eat or sleep. Such a period was in the life of almost every person and most of us can say that this is the best thing that has ever happened to us.

But, of course, constantly being in pink glasses impossible, and closer to second year changes are taking place. Euphoria gradually disappears, emotions are no longer a storm, but just a slight excitement, and the heart at the sight of a loved one no longer jumps out of the chest, but only starts to beat a little faster. The feeling of novelty is gradually erased, and the partner’s shortcomings also begin to emerge, the first quarrels arise.

Yes, of course, she is insanely beautiful, but why didn’t you notice before that she was getting ready for such an impossibly long time and chatting so loudly on the phone with her friends for some reason at the very moment when you called her on a date? And he, although he still remains charming and interesting, in fact turned out to be not so attentive and courteous as he thought at first: he stopped giving flowers, and no, no, but forget about joint dates.

However, the second year of relations also has advantages: more and more common memories and experiences appear, people become closer friend friend, the excitement and stiffness that may still be present in the first year go away. It is in the second year of a relationship that people most often begin to live together and create a family.

But the second year is followed by third, crisis, after which, again, according to psychologists, love should burn out in agony. What happens? Probably, the whole point is that there is a gradual getting used to everything good that is in a relationship, getting used to each other. Good turns into ordinary and everyday, is taken for granted and ceases to bring the joy that it used to bring. And the bad, which, of course, happens in any relationship, becomes more noticeable, because it is more difficult to get used to it. This is where the endless conflicts begin.

It is at this moment that people think that love is gone. Maybe it is. And that's exactly what happens to most couples.

But there are those who overcome this crisis and stay together. What happens to their love? Is she really that alive? Their love does not die, it changes and is reborn, becoming something more than just passion and love, the most real affection and kindred spirits.

Of course, this is an idyllic picture, and, unfortunately, love can die much later. more years than three years. And even mature love is the kinship of souls (the ancient Greeks called it Agape) also, unfortunately, may end.

So who is to blame for this? Probably ourselves. We are too accustomed to obsessing over the bad, not seeing the good, we are too rational about what we just need to feel, we are too focused on ourselves, and not on the one who is next to us. We are getting used to. And we forget to be sincere, we forget to please each other, we forget to cherish each other and appreciate every moment spent together. But for some reason, we never forget to note shortcomings, be offended, get angry and defend "our rights." It turns out that often we ourselves kill love, which could live for a very long time.

Or maybe if love died, then it was not real or it was not destined to live long? Maybe so, then you should simply be glad that everything happened so timely, and ahead of you is a new feeling that will certainly be real and for life "until death do us part."

All of us, at least once, at least somehow experienced love - this is a burning feeling. All of us experienced the feeling when love for us disappears, leaves - when "everything is gone", "when you don't want to live." Or the feeling when we left, lost love - when it's just, "yes, what I found in her, in him, found, found."

That is, ladies and gentlemen, the question is: Why and how did it happen that I loved, loved, but "now"? - standing or standing in front of everyone.

Just like the question: Why did they stop loving me? In front of everyone who has ever loved and who was loved, but are there others among adequate, and even not very, people?

What is the problem? If we love and are loved, then we rise to the heights of our life - we live, feeling the fullness of life - feelings, passions, a feeling - "this is life."

If we feel and see, we understand that love is disappearing, leaving, we are plunged into the abyss: from “she, he, does not love me”, to, excuse me, “there is no happiness in life”.

Question: Why does love disappear, leave?

Love disappears, leaves - is it feelings or relationships? - I personally see it as a philosophical question.

But, ladies and gentlemen, let's agree that, even without having the “philosophical dialectic” way of thinking, based on purely our everyday and life experience, we can all think: What is love? Feelings or relationships?

And not only to think, but also, if desired, to answer. Well, like, like this:

1. What was in the beginning, love - a feeling or a relationship? And how does it happen in life? And feelings and love relationship, suddenly, all at once, they come. So it is, isn't it? BUT, here it is.

2. Disappears, love leaves. Why!? - after all, if there was no feeling of happiness, then, “everything was so great!”.

3. My feeling of love disappeared, and I stopped (I stopped) treating him, her, as a loved one.
Stop! - because, right here, we are approaching the truth: Why does love disappear, go away?

4. My feeling of love for this person: husband, wife, lover, mistress, or has my attitude towards my husband, wife, mistress, lover changed?

That is: I stopped, stopped loving them? Or: I no longer treat them with LOVE as a wife, husband, lover, mistress?

Disappears, leaves love, feelings and reality

Let's, ladies and gentlemen, women and men, think with realities, and not with what we have been thrust into our consciousness in the form of herd propagandized thinking and what we ourselves imagined, due to our stupidity and limited knowledge.

What is love? It's a feeling, that's for sure. What is love? This is a relationship with a loved one, definitely. What is the situation when love disappears, leaves? - it's either feelings or relationships that have disappeared.

That's all: from this and you have to dance.

1. Feelings have disappeared. It does not matter in connection with what: the hormones stopped playing or you found that "love was a mistake." The main thing is that the feeling of love is no more. There is no love, you don’t feel it anymore, which means that there will be at least some relationship with this person: from hatred to indifference, but not love.

2. Relationships have deteriorated. It doesn't matter what you imagine about your feeling of love: love or hate, or something close to it. The important thing is that your relationship has changed: I no longer love him, her! - and, most importantly, I no longer act like a loving and loved one.

3. You feel that love is disappearing. What disappeared feeling or relationship?

4. If you are in your mind, then any of your feelings are adequate - they correspond to your attitude towards the object of feeling. That is, if you feel your love or love for yourself, then this corresponds to your loving attitude or loving attitude towards you.

5. But, the existential reality of the relationship between a man and a woman is, most often, that they cannot, are not able, or do not want to show their love relationship. This is the essence of the question: Where and why does love disappear, leave?

6. Everything turns out to be simply outrageous: Husband, wife, lover, mistress CANNOT behave like loved ones and loving, in their existential incarnation.

7. And since they don’t behave like that - they don’t show, they don’t show their love in a relationship, then love disappears, leaves.

8. After all, feeling is a reaction to reality. There is no love relationship - love is not visible in actions, in words - in life: love disappears, leaves as a feeling, and is replaced by some other feeling for this person.

For example: indifference, hatred, contempt, and the like. And already this new feeling will form new relationships between the former loving and beloved men and women.

Love disappears, love disappears, because relationships kill it

Love is a strong feeling.

Why? Because it establishes close and intimate, personal and gender - sexual relations between men and women.

Therefore, by the way, it is strong in its antagonisms: hatred, contempt, indifference, if the feeling of love has turned into its opposite.

And here it is, the truth - tragic, topical, relevant for most men and women: Love disappears, leaves, because love relationships disappear - love relationships.

That is, stupidly and primitively, a husband, wife, lover, mistress, cease to treat the husband, wife, lover, mistress, as LOVED AND LOVING.

And they begin to treat, under the pressure of everyday life and their own stupidity and thoughtlessness, as a hostess, as a source of money, as sexual partner as the father of his children, and so on and so forth.

And that’s all: love disappears, leaves, as a feeling that does not correspond to real relationships: they don’t love either the wife, as such, or the husband, as such, if they manifest themselves in relationships with anything, but not loved and loving people.

Love does not live in any relationship other than love - that's the whole essence of the problem, where does love disappear, go. That is: either you love - you feel love and, accordingly, build a relationship of love, or you do not love, and do not build a relationship of love. No other is given.

Where does love go, why and why .

Wedding. Young people happily look at each other with loving eyes. Cries of "Bitter!". A sea of ​​guests, gifts, everyone wishes happiness and love ...

A year and a half passes. There is no loving look, two almost strangers do not even want to communicate, and cannot understand how it happened at all that they are together.

It is important for young people to understand that family life completely different from the period of meetings and courtship. Essentially two different person, each with their own character, habits and rhythm of life, begin to live together, with one life, common finances and family responsibilities.

Do not start family life by setting your own rules. Try to distribute family responsibilities together. Of course, this does not mean that only the wife should do all the housework, learn to do everything together, cook dinner, tidy up the apartment, go shopping. Let each other choose.

So before you say bad word, or to commit an offensive act, think, would you like to be treated like this? Of course not. Therefore, periodically put yourself in the place of a loved one, try to think the same way.

Support each other. Be interested in success in work, study. Advise, worry, sympathize ...

Where does love go

It does not go anywhere, you just need to constantly maintain this “fire”.

An important role is played intimate relationship. Surprise each other, experiment, come up with something “new”. Your partner (partner) will always appreciate it. Innovations in intimate life will bring a new zest to your relationship.

Spend more time together. You don't have to lie on the couch all weekend. Travel, have fun, go out into nature. No need to spend time boring and gray.

Live to the fullest! Love! And then love will not go anywhere!

psycho- olog. ru

AT recent times, the question is why does love leave? - is becoming more and more common. Probably, many people in life have been touched by such a misfortune. Some experienced it in their youth, others in adulthood, but everyone who was touched by it still feels, remembering this, pain, a nagging feeling of loneliness, maybe longing for lost love and once close person. Someone experiences resentment, not understanding why this happened to him, why another person caused him such pain. Why did love leave, what is the reason for parting, divorce?

When we remember our love, then every happy and unhappy person in it most of all likes, probably, the beginning of love. The purest moments when we first looked into each other's eyes, first dates, amazing moments of revealing one person to another. Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and some have years of trust, this amazing intimacy, when we consider a person the most extraordinary, the most irresistible.

And suddenly this amazing feeling disappears. On the one hand or on both sides, in place of trust, almost deification of the other, comes, to put it mildly, very sober look on the one whom we considered our soulmate. At first it is a sober look with an understanding of the features, shortcomings, dependencies, weaknesses expected human responses. And then suddenly - once, and a completely distinct consciousness arises that this person is not just the same as everyone else - ordinary, but maybe in some way big flaws It has. And now, imperceptibly for us, our blindness or deification of the other passes, and the rational negative perception of the other remains. We stop seeing another person, he is already either something incomprehensible, unpredictable for us, or something with a minus sign. We lock ourselves in our resentment lockers, and seeming love goes nowhere. At this moment, the other person suddenly discovers that he is no longer so comfortable in the field of our relationship.

I often come across complaints from women that are very similar to each other. In these complaints, there is usually a motive that the beloved man is not at all what he seemed, he did not live up to expectations at all. The wife is waiting for him to bring her roses or bread from the store, and he comes sick and drunk.

If initially there was an acceptance of the other, simply because he is, he is with you, then suddenly another phase of the relationship suddenly sets in. We begin to perceive the other person based on what he does for us, how he meets our expectations and requirements. This is the threshold beyond which there is no more love.

I, as a person who also experienced something similar, now, already at my 48 years old, want to ask myself the question - what do we mean by the word "love"? What exactly is leaving? I remember wonderful words Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh, Paisius Svyatogorets about true love. And when we compare their definitions with our love, we are often surprised to find that what we call love is more like blindness. We usually do not have true love, as a willingness to accept the other whole, work to understand and forgive him, work to change him and ourselves.

We would like love to be only joy, emotions, only a gift. But now I look around, and I see very few among my friends. happy families. And all happy couples who has been living together for more than one year, who appreciates, loves, understands and accepts the other half, almost all have survived crises, but these people work every day. That is why their love is real.

So when I return to the question of why love leaves, I say: I do not believe that love can leave if it is love.

It leaves something else, and you need to think about what is happening to you yourself? How to love yourself? And how to learn to love another?

Irina Karpenko

In all happy stories, it is implied that if family happiness has already been achieved, then there is nothing more to wish for. What else is there to wish for? Only stormy joy, love fusion, unity of hearts - and nothing else awaits the young.

Since childhood, we have been fascinated by the wonderful tales of beautiful love their heroes. We worry when the heroes cannot unite for a long time, when they are separated by greedy brothers, cruel villains and wayward kings. We sincerely rejoice when a stately prince accomplishes his feats and wins the main award of his life - a charming princess. And we always do not attach importance to the fact that usually all fairy tales end with the reunion of the young after long ordeals and hardships, with the fact that they lived happily ever after, at the wedding of the young prince with the princess and with words about honey and beer. And not only the people in their work, but all the classics of the genre are in no hurry to continue the plot after the climax. The most striking examples of such stories are: Captain Gray with his girlfriend, the charming Bear with a suicidal tendency with the Princess from Ordinary Miracle, and all other happy paired plots, up to the history of Gena's relationship with Cheburashka.

In all happy stories it is understood that if family happiness already achieved - then there is nothing more to wish for. What else is there to wish for? Only stormy joy, love fusion, unity of hearts - and nothing else awaits the young. And we, brought up from childhood on love stories from these fairy tales, books, films, we accept the culminating idyll as a completely understandable norm of life. How else? After all, the main thing is to find this very REAL love. And then you will be happy all your life! And the fact that Captain Gray, maybe a year after the wedding, drove Assol around the deck, beat her with a mortal battle, and then drank the ship and left the unfortunate Assol, history, together with the author, bashfully silent. We are not supposed to know this. After all, if you loved and then suddenly fell out of love, then it was not real love. because Real love- ETERNAL! So you got it main task your personal life? LOOKING FOR ETERNAL LOVE! We don’t buy into false, fake “loves” - and we are tirelessly looking for our “soul mate” and eternal love.

Remember the legend of androgynes? In ancient times, the gods, in order to avenge their disrespect, divided people into two parts and scattered them around the wide world. Since then, people have been looking for their soul mates, and not everyone is destined to find their soul mate. But there is a chance! Search - and find! Handsomely? Do you believe? Not? And in the depths of your soul? Well, it is precisely this hope that drives us in search of true love. I have repeatedly met people who, in plain text, voice this mythical belief:

Yes, I broke up. And it seemed like he loved it a lot. But he was deceived. It wasn't true love! And not mine real half. The real one is out there somewhere. What do you think, meeting? There is nothing to do, I will look.

I believe that the legend of androgynes is one of the most harmful myths of mankind. There are countless people who regularly fall for this hook and become disappointed in people and relationships over and over again. How many destinies and hearts have been crippled by this legend and other similar tales! It is they who bring up in people a naive belief in eternal and HOLY love! To some extent, every person is a victim of this mythology. Didn't you have a big and pure love at least once in a lifetime? Many have had it multiple times. And every time I sincerely believe that I met that very one of my own / my only / only. And you fly on wings, and you love enthusiastically, you become attached, and you can’t live without your beloved / beloved, and everything is fine, and everything is wonderful, and everything ... everything ... everything ... And then ... Where does everything go? Where does love go? After all, it was so beautiful just recently, wasn't it?

As a psychologist, I constantly receive letters like this:

My husband and I loved each other very much all the time after the wedding, we simply doted on each other. We spent everything together free time, he said how much he loves me, gave flowers every day, our sex brought incredibly strong sensations. But at some point, everything began to change. He gradually stopped paying attention to me, although over the past year and a half I have not become worse, but even better. Further more. At first I only suspected, and then I was convinced that he had a mistress. After a serious conversation and my tears, he began to say that he broke up with her, but I'm not sure, because our relationship is not improving. But now our life is becoming more and more like hell. What should I do? How to restore relationships? How can I get his love back?

The reflection of the theme of love in art is very interesting. At least half of the popular songs are dedicated to happy love on the topic "Oh, my love, how good it is with you!". The other half of the songs are unhappy love with the same, apparently, characters, but on the other main theme: "Why are you, you bastard, out of love with me?".

So does REAL LOVE exist? Let's look at human relationships through the eyes of a psychologist.

Cyclical development of relations

Love is a deceitful country, and every inhabitant in it is a deceiver.
Why am I crying in front of you, and smiling so inopportunely.
Wrong country - love, where every person is a traitor.
But the grass will sprout again, through all obstacles and misfortunes.
Love is a beautiful country, because only in it there is happiness.

Observations of human relations lead to the following important conclusion.

Any significant relationships There are five main stages of development:

birth
development
climax
destruction
death

These stages are very clearly illustrated on your splayed five. Look at her with inside. And counting from left to right. Thumb- this is the BIRTH of relationships. Index - development. Middle - climax. Nameless - destruction. Little finger - death.

We take into account that this is a relationship model. And real relationship, of course, is more complicated than any model, but nevertheless, the model reflects the basic patterns, like the model of the Earth (globe), reflects the location of the continents. You can easily mentally test this five-stage model on your own relationships that have already ended. If you don't lie to yourself, you will be able to see how these relationships match the above model.

The birth of a relationship is the making of the first acquaintance, the first glance, the first conversation, the first interest in each other. A timid invitation to a date and modest consent. During this stage, people understand that they are interesting and at least like each other and that they have something to do together. At the end of this stage, the two already understand that they are already slightly “hooked” on each other, they no longer want to leave. The dating stage ends with a strong desire to develop a relationship.

Development of a relationship. Among the people - the "candy-bouquet" period. The most romantic period in a relationship. Both lovers strive to show their partner their best qualities and hide their shortcomings. A man gives flowers and gifts, exudes compliments, does not spare money - he is the very care and gallantry. A woman enjoys this period like Eve in paradise, like a bird in spring, like a snowdrop in the sun. In addition, a woman is especially pleased that the entire responsibility for the development of relationships is on a man - and she plays the game "try, catch up." It is clear that the princess does not run too fast and gets maximum pleasure from it.

For full-fledged sex at the stage of development, a woman usually does not mature (a man is always ready), but she can already allow some liberties. It was during this period that a woman especially monitors her appearance (otherwise she “will not love”) and even, one might say, “blooms”. So if you notice that your friend, employee or ex-wife transforms before our eyes sure sign the fact that a woman is in the phase of falling in love and developing relationships.

Climax. The most emotionally vivid period is the flowering of relationships. This, in fact, is what this is all about. This is a complete sexual fusion, a fusion of souls and hearts, complete harmony in relationship. It is joy, happiness, flight and bliss. It is pleasure, inspiration and REAL love. By at least, during the climax, a couple in love is sure of this. If you ask them about it, they will exhale with one voice: “YES! THIS IS LOVE!"

This is a time that will forever remain in our hearts. This is a time that we often remember and nostalgic about. The climax is the honeymoon of the relationship, and it doesn't matter if it's official or not. Unfortunately, the climax doesn't last as long as people expect. Yes, yes, this paradise always ends unexpectedly (as for Adam and Eve) and cannot continue forever for reasons that we will consider below.

Destruction. Lovers smoothly enter this stage after the climax. Usually there is no sharp border and a clear watershed. And there is a slight sobering up, small problems and misunderstandings, which become larger and larger over time. It's called after honeymoon weekdays have begun. The lovers no longer have that trepidation and trembling at the sight of each other, they are already calmly naked with each other, they no longer always spend time together and almost do not go to parties and to the theater. The destruction of relationships does not always mean obvious scandals and breaking dishes on the head.

More often, destruction means simply COOLING towards each other. Slow as an Australian tortoise and as sure as a merchant's word. Less sex, less common interests, gifts take on an exclusively ritual character, compliments no longer sound, flowers are not visible, but curlers are visible (tomorrow I will surprise my colleagues), an old dressing gown (I must wear it) and a holey T-shirt (I have been living in it for ten years and will live).

Often say:

But I know people who love each other all their lives!

I will be very happy if you show them to me. Better yet, take a closer look at their lives, if you are one of them. Most of the so-called "prosperous" long-term relationships are already going on simply by inertia. And in essence, such relationships are simply an existence next to (but not together!) With each other - with separate interests, separate feelings, separate deeds and a separate life of each of the partners.

Often the stage of destruction in a solid married couple very slow, stable and similar to just "normal" relationships and human affection. But this is already a different feeling - which is rather called friendship! And let it be, anything is better than complete indifference.

And already before the very final part, the stage of destruction can reach the blows, mostly psychological ones.

You ruined my whole life!
- Yes, who will marry you like that!
- Look at yourself!
- Where have you been, whore, all night?!
- Mom was right, you are not a couple for me!

And this is already the agony of relationships.

Death. And all meaningful relationships die in order to be born in this place to something new. And this too inevitable stage, at least with the death of one of the partners. But in reality, this stage comes much earlier - even during life. And the death of a relationship does not necessarily mean that people are breaking up. They can live together because they have children, an apartment, a household, again, a dacha. Something new is vague and dangerous, but people are simply afraid of loneliness and the fact that they will not find anyone in return. And they live in the same apartment - but practically communicate at the same time. Or communicate on a superficial, ritualistic, meaningless level. In fact, people almost cease to be significant and exist for each other in a psychological sense - often they communicate warmer with employees than with such a “former”. Relationships become sluggish, which can be equated with their death. Formally, relations continue, but in fact they have already ceased - compared to what they were before.

Interestingly, for the outside world, their relationship can be quite presentable, so as not to become the subject of condemnation or compassionate participation from others - ashamed in front of friends and relatives. And sometimes we can convince ourselves that everything is in order and that it should be so ...

How long does it take for all these stages to pass? Answer: in any! The whole cycle can fit into one day, for example, short-term a holiday romance. Or maybe at fifty, for example, a long family life before a golden - platinum wedding. But the stages of the relationship will still be the same!

If it's about short novel, then this is the birth of a relationship on the beach (“Girl, is the water warm?”), The development of relationships in the evening in a bar (“Can we dance?”), The climax on the seashore (“Let's go, we'll see the moon”), destruction in the morning waking up (“Ah who am I with?") and the death of a relationship ("Sorry, but I'm already on a plane").

If this is grandparents, surrounded by children and grandchildren, then the difference is that the entire period takes years and, accordingly, the culmination will be long and the process of destruction will be delayed. But do not overestimate the duration of the climax stage, it is unlikely that it will take more than six months (I promise to consider the reasons again below).

I already hear the voices of those who anathematize the author for trying to discredit real relationships, the sanctity of family ties, and even the most sacred thing in a person's life (it's scary to say) - LOVE !!! So I want to inform the hurt lovers that this is just a reasonable (i.e. from the mind) view of a psychologist from the outside on the feeling of love. And any strong feelings in this case reason is not a friend - they do not allow a sober and impartial attitude to any phenomenon - therefore, you must first cool down. Of course, we, naive, want love to be eternal. Do you think I'm against it? I even vote YES with both hands! But little can change from our vote. Our wisdom will consist in seeing all these processes from the height of time, when it becomes obvious that which is not seen in the very flow of time. And if this succeeds, then at least something can be changed and corrected.

Let me remind you that for those who doubt this theory, but want to figure it out, the author once again suggests analyzing their already completed relationships. With your exes. I am sure that you can easily find all the indicated stages, the culmination period and the duration of the entire cycle.

How to analyze the current relationship, because they continue? Then find out whether they are on the rise, on the decline, or at the level of stabilization - and the picture will be approximately clear. To do this, you need to mentally compare their comparative level some period of time ago and now. For example, estimate whether two months ago the relationship was warmer or colder? More attention or less? Did you spend more time or less? If it seems that the relationship is in a period of stabilization, then this is a sluggish destruction, hard to see with the naked eye.

Or maybe it's a sine wave? We indulge ourselves with thought. I agree, sometimes our relationship resembles a sine wave - then takeoff, then landing. But the plane also has the most high point trajectory, although it can fly either higher or lower. And any plane eventually lands on the airfield (or, God forbid, falls into the forest).

Of course, in long term relationship there are always stages of relative decline and rise - periods of temporary cooling and warming. For example, a man has trouble at work, he is unsettled - a temporary downturn in a relationship. Then together we went to rest - that's warming. Then the woman gave a reason for jealousy - that's a cold snap. Then we went to the theater together - that's warmer again.

But these fluctuations in the level of relationships are only relative. Relative to the central line, inevitably drawing its fateful circle. And all this sinusoid still fits into the overall final cycle of relations.

So why does love leave?

“Time strengthens wine and weakens love,” said the ancients. This is done by nature itself, by life, or rather, by our biological defense mechanisms. Let's take a closer look. The physiology of our body has defense mechanism adaptations. What it is? Adaptation is the dulling of sensitivity, and then the complete disappearance of sensation in the process of prolonged action of the stimulus. How does this process take place? The nerve centers of our brain have the so-called protective inhibition. If the signal from the external environment continues to arrive sufficiently for a long time, the nerve centers reduce their sensitivity and the signals from the receptors are generally no longer perceived by the brain. Carry out the following experiments.

If someone constantly and with the same force strokes your hand in the same place, then at first the sensations will probably be pleasant, after 3 minutes neutral, after 10 minutes. hardly noticeable, and after 20 minutes you will stop noticing them. There was a tactile adaptation.

You stepped out of the dark room into the light. At first you will go blind - you can't see anything, but after a few seconds your vision will return to you. Returned from the world dark room- gouge out your eyes, absolute darkness. An no. After a few seconds, you already guess the contours of the table. This is a visual adaptation.

What happens if you are constantly fed your favorite food? Correctly. Get used to it. And you will even push away from yourself, as in the "White Sun" Vereshchagin pushed black caviar away. Another example. Older people remember the shortage of exotic products that seemed incredibly tasty to us. Bananas were bought green and lovingly stored for a month before have a nice day maturation. And now? Who considers bananas to be a particularly tasty fruit? Well, nothing special, the norm of life. Taste adaptation has taken place.

You entered the room with bad smell- paint, footcloths, the mouse behind the closet has died or the owner has not washed for a long time. It is clear that the smell will hit the nose sharply. But imagine that you can not leave! What will happen to your sense of smell? I assure you, after a while you will no longer notice this smell. The organs of smell will adapt.

There is even pain adaptation. To some extent, the body is able to adapt to pain and reduce its sensitivity to it.

Adaptive mechanisms protect us! If not for them, a person could not survive in the changing conditions of the external environment. These are examples of sensory adaptations. But not only they, but our entire psyche, all emotions and feelings have this ability to adapt. There is even such folk wisdom: Man gets used to everything!

Our EMOTIONS have the same adaptation mechanisms. Remember, as a child, the world was especially bright, the sky was especially blue, and the grass was especially green! What now? Used to! Well, peace and peace. Always like this. What's special here?

Now remember your puppy delight when you first saw the sea! It seems that now this meeting is taking place much more modestly. And on the second day of rest, we already take all the exotic for granted, get used to it and stop admiring it.

At a new place of work, at first, maybe, you don’t like a lot, everything is wrong, and then it seems like nothing, you got involved - and it’s normal.

And the euphoria of the first love among all other "loves" is the strongest, brightest and most enthusiastic feeling in a person's life - adaptation mechanisms have not yet fully learned how to smooth this feeling.

How long does your delight last wonderful gift? And the joy of the desired meeting? And the euphoria of receiving the Nobel Prize for you? No matter how strong the event is, the body will still adapt. In ten minutes, the delight from the gift will pass, the joy of the meeting will smooth out in an hour, the euphoria of triumph will last until the end of the banquet. Maximum a week.

Everyone knows the wise saying: “Time heals”. This saying is also about the process of adaptation. Only adaptation not to joy, but to grief. Any negative experience is also smoothed out by the psyche of the individual, just give it time. The wisdom of nature consists in protecting the body from destructive influences - and grief goes away. Maybe not right away, but psychological comfort gradually recovers.

Incredibly, even in prison and a concentration camp, a person gradually adapts to inhuman conditions of detention, and over time can feel quite comfortable! A vivid example is the famous story by A. Solzhenitsyn "One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich". About one day in the life of a prisoner in the Soviet Gulag, a day saturated with almost the same joys, experiences, delights and disappointments as the days of a person in ordinary life. The depression and longing are long gone. The body has adapted.

And what is the feeling of love for our body? Psychology defines love as "an intense, intense feeling, a high degree of emotionally positive attitude towards an object." And she lives not in the heart, who has forgotten, but in the nerve centers of the brain, like any other emotion. Love is a period of a long emotional upsurge and a constant increased energy tone of the body. This is a huge consumption of resources of a biological object called "man" - and it is dangerous for the body to constantly experience such a consumption. After any expenditure of resources and emotional upsurge, a period of relaxation is required - and, according to the law of the pendulum, adaptive mechanisms are turned on again! They react to a prolonged feeling of love as real danger for survival.

The body adapts and gets used to the feeling of love!

As a result, love leaves gradually, slowly and inevitably, like the sunset. Love is gradually smoothed out, and, in best case turns into just human affection and warm feeling. And at worst... You know, from love to hate - one step.

Is it possible to stop a beautiful moment?

How we would like sometimes to stop love, like a wonderful moment! Is it possible to? Possibly, but it will last love in your life. There is a well-known biological experiment on unfortunate rats, in which electrodes were implanted in the brain's pleasure centers. By pressing the lever, the animals received a dose of narcotic pleasure close to orgasm. So the rats died of emotional and mental exhaustion after a few hours, unable to stop the process of pleasure. If, for some reason, our adaptive mechanisms were destroyed, the body would not be able to cope with the load. If we loved each other forever without a period of relaxation, we would turn into a cold corpse, and love would be disposable, like drone bees.

Love cannot be made eternal, but it is possible to prolong it!

You can extend the climax of the relationship - and extend it. How? Consciously using what are called love languages ​​is what love is fed and sustained. Namely:

The words. Touch. Time. Communication. Present.

Let's look into them.

Words - admiring reviews about your beloved or beloved, psychological stroking, warm feedback about his actions, appearance, importance for himself. These are phrases about love that will never get boring, especially if they are said with a sincere attitude. Any person, even a man, is ready to listen to sincere compliments endlessly - and even if he pretends that he doesn’t care or laughs at it. Don't believe. Everyone loves admiration and recognition. By the way, when last time did you admire your loved one?

Touch. These are touches not only in sex itself, but also outside of it. And in sex - absolute diversity and all sorts of, excuse me, perversions. The best way kill sexual interest to each other - to make all the nights similar and faceless, like cloned twins. Change everything that is possible and impossible to change: the meeting place, erotic games, sexual scenarios, improvised means and tools. Some advanced couples even experiment with invited partners. Why not?

Outside of actual sex, it's just an occasional hug, neck kiss, stroking, light massage and biting. Often we restrain ourselves, they say, not the time, people are watching. Or we are just tired and do not want to make any effort. If a person is close - give him affection just like that, for no reason, and he will always feel your closeness. Another harmful question: How many months ago was the last time you gave your beloved a massage?

TIME. Or rather, spending time together. Time is you. If you do not spare a person your time, you do not spare him yourself. How much time per week did you spend together? Did you go to the theatre? Walked in the park? Have you visited friends? All this is an indicator of indifference to the life of another person, even if you are very busy and your time is worth a hundred thousand pounds one minute.

Communication. As a luxury, not as a means of conveying information. How well do you know how to live the life of a loved one? Is there really a deep spiritual intimacy between you? Do you know what he breathes? Can you share and support his interests and values? The true art of communication must be learned English language- constantly and diligently.

PRESENT. Not a ritual, planned bouquet of flowers for March 8, but unexpectedly and suddenly. And just like that and for any reason: Day of the Tanker or Day of the Paris Commune. Remember, Alice in Wonderland had the character Humpty Dumpty. So he called for giving gifts on the Unbirthday Day 364 days a year. Maybe this is too much, but the way of thinking is correct. Gifts are stimulating. Cheer up. They evoke feelings of gratitude. And just exciting.

If a person does not receive enough nutrients, he shortens his life.

Feed love - and you use all its resources!

And now it's time to consider one aspect that prevents us from ending our relationship on time:

We are responsible for those we have tamed!

These words of a French pilot, in terms of their harmfulness in people's lives, take second place. Exupery said - and we believed, and even build our life scenarios on it! Or maybe we are also responsible for those with whom we parted? And maybe also for those who were NOT tamed? And also for the famine in Ethiopia? And also for the earthquake in Mexico? And a hurricane in California? Maybe we can immediately take on all the sins of other people and all of humanity? And we will experience the most severe feeling of guilt all our lives?

If everyone makes himself happy first of all, then the whole world will be happy.

And why do we easily believe in this wonderful phrase and still build our life scenarios on it? Because this pilot knew how to create beautiful texts and create literary masterpieces. And, as you know, everything that is consecrated " magic power art" acquires magical power over our minds. We are ready to take beauty at its word, without proof or verification.

You can remember some more elegant phrases from this series:

Whoever remembers the old - that eye out. (Our vengeful countrymen)
- Today you play jazz, and tomorrow you will sell your Motherland. (Musicologists from the Politburo)
- Who does not work shall not eat. (Those who know exactly how everyone should live)
- Touched a girl - get married. (Guardians of public morality)
- A good Indian is a dead Indian. (Young Pioneers of the United States of America)
- To each his own. (Orders of mankind from the Third Reich).

Maybe this too beautiful phrases shall we also begin to mindlessly follow?

So what are we to do now? I propose to adopt at least one constructive belief, it is also a belief - especially for those who still want beauty. "Constructive" means that this belief will work for you, not against you. This is an old Indian proverb:

The horse is dead - get off!

In reality, we do not want to believe in her death and forget that you cannot step into the same river twice. What are we doing instead of getting down?

We come to the stable every day.
We are trying to persuade her to stand up in an amicable way.
We're trying to get her to drink water.
We bring her especially fragrant hay.
We buy her golden horseshoes.
We're trying to pick her up by the neck.
We threaten her with a drop of nicotine.
We drag her by the tail.
We beat her hard.
We're signing up for a course on reviving dead horses.

All this instead of going out and finding another horse. Do not revive a dead mare!!! Let the horse die in peace! Her holy place will not be empty! There will definitely be another horse. But on one condition - if you do not cling to the past and let a new feeling occupy this stable. If you do not want to believe in it - well, suffer. Your life. And the choice is yours.

All this would be very sad if it were not so wisely arranged by nature. But we will finish our investigation of the feeling of love and human relations still life-affirming - a brilliant phrase from the masterpiece film "Ordinary Miracle":

Glory to the brave ones who dare to love, knowing that all this will come to an end!

Glory to the madmen who live for themselves as if they were immortal!

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