The modern world is full of conflicts and stress. Often we set our priorities incorrectly, focusing all our strength and attention on third-party things. Don't forget that the people who surround us also require time and effort on your part. Maintaining a relationship is a difficult process that always depends on both.

Concentrating on the external and forgetting about the internal, we begin to devalue the feelings of others, being convinced that we will be forgiven for any little thing or offense. However, life often demonstrates a different pattern.

A person can forgive you an innumerable number of times, but at a certain point stop all communication and disappear from your life. If we are not talking about close people, the person may not give you a second chance at all.

In the following paragraphs, we want to discuss steps towards reconciliation that are likely to make it clear to the other person what your motives really were.

Conflict Analysis

You should not perceive everything that happens to you as a coincidence. Since we have every right to control our lives and actions, everything that happens to us today is the fruit of our actions yesterday. It follows that by blaming your partner for the conflict, you avoid responsibility. What kind of sincere apology can we talk about? If it was not sincere, the offender has no right to forgiveness.

Don't try to deceive yourself. Don’t feel guilty, but ask for forgiveness because it’s more convenient to live? It’s better not to apologize at all until you understand your mistakes.

Sincere repentance

So, you have realized your guilt. However, awareness and repentance are not the same thing.

Awareness indicates that you value your relationship with a person, and repentance indicates that you value both the person and your own conscience.

We all want justice and forgiveness. However, often the desire for one's own concept of justice replaces the need to forgive and be forgiven.

Asking for forgiveness is not a vaccine against pangs of conscience. Of course, you can apologize only in order to improve relationships that are beneficial to you for one reason or another. You can masterfully learn to ask for forgiveness, but there will be no honesty in them.

A person who, just like you, finds benefits in communication, will forgive you. But those who are truly concerned about their future together will sense the fakeness.

Say what you feel

When apologizing to someone, be honest about how you feel. Talk about how uncomfortable, ashamed, uncomfortable you were during the quarrel and joint isolation.

Don't be shy about your feelings! The main thing is to believe in what you are doing.
The unfair actions on your part were worthy of much greater embarrassment. Forgiveness is a chance for both of you to feel better.

Say what your partner feels

When talking about your emotions, don't forget to mention how you might feel offended person. If you know you've let your partner down, say, “I know I've caused you a lot of inconvenience and wasted time. Moreover, I realize that it was difficult for you to survive this.”

If the person you're apologizing to understands that you feel good about the consequences of your actions, it will be easier for them to forgive you. A clear awareness of your guilt minimizes the possibility that a similar situation will happen again in the future.

This is what the offended person fears most.

Make it clear that you will not commit such actions, but not in the format: “I won’t do it again!”
It would be much better to say: “I DON’T WANT to do this anymore.”

A full apology

You need to express everything you think, carefully choosing words and expressions. Let the person know that you really want to hear his opinion and even his verdict regarding the current situation.

Forget about the word “but”! You can say an incredible number of words and say the word “Sorry” a thousand times, but criticizing the human reaction and calling whole list Any things you dislike that the second participant in the conflict did, you cross out literally everything.

If you have already set out to improve the situation, you should not look for the culprit, weighing each other’s wrong actions bit by bit.

Wait and hope

Be prepared for the fact that you will not be forgiven at that very moment. It is this reaction of the person offended by you that is a signal that the relationship has a chance to live.

Quick apologies and equally quick forgiveness are not a solution to problems, but a disguise of the latter.

In the future, they may manifest themselves at the most inopportune moment and become a stumbling block between partners.

Ecology of life. Psychology: Penitents hope their red-faced confessions of guilt will bring forgiveness, but is saying sorry really enough to restore trust?

Of six components good apology two are the most effective.

According to new research, there are six components to an effective apology:

Expression of regret

Explaining what was done wrong

Acceptance of responsibility

Voluntary confession

Offer to fix the situation yourself

Asking for forgiveness

​

However, two components are more important than the rest.

Acceptance of responsibility comes first, explains one of the authors of the study, Professor Roy Lewicki.

"Our study showed that the most an important component An apology is an admission of responsibility. Say that it’s your fault, that you made a mistake.”

The second most effective strategy after admitting responsibility is offering to correct the situation.

Professor Lewicki says:

One of the main problems with apologies is that the apology itself is not worth anything. Expressing a willingness to fix what is broken reflects acceptance of responsibility for the damage caused.

Next important thing is an expression of regret, an explanation of what went wrong, and an expression of remorse.

The very last step is asking for forgiveness, says Levitsky:

If necessary, you can skip this step.

These findings are based on a study in which people read various scenarios in which a person made a mistake for which he had to apologize.

The apology contained one, three, or six components. People rated the effectiveness various types apologies. The study tested only the effectiveness of these components.

Levitsky also pointed out another very important factor:

"It is also clear that when you apologize, it is very important eye contact and a corresponding sincere tone"

It is also very easy to overestimate the power of an apology, as I have written before.

How effective is an apology?

We assume that apologizing can help mend relationships, but are we overestimating the value of an apology?

Hardly a week goes by without another apology from one public figure or another for the incredible destruction. An endless parade of politicians, businessmen and celebrities on TV and in the press admitting mistakes and apologizing for what they did wrong.

We have come to the conclusion that as soon as day gives way to night, a public figure apologizes for one or another offense. Sometimes these apologies appear sincere and heartfelt, and sometimes they are simply perfunctory and insincere.

Penitents hope that their red-faced admission of guilt will bring forgiveness, but is saying sorry really enough to restore trust?

Thank you for adding holidays.ru to:

Forgive me if possible, because my repentance knows no bounds. My soul is restless, and my conscience has simply gnawed at my consciousness, reminding me of the strength of my guilt...

I may not be worthy of being forgiven by you. But I know how generous you are. You have a big and kind heart, which cannot remain indifferent to my requests for forgiveness.

Asking for forgiveness in words is easier than sincerely repenting in your soul. Believe me, I deeply regret what happened. Don't be angry with me, you are dear to me.

Apologies to the girl

I don’t need anything else except your forgiveness now! Just don’t get angry, let go of the offense, cool down from your anger. A smile addressed to me suits you so well!

You were offended, and my world collapsed, the sky around me darkened, and clouds of black melancholy gathered overhead. Forgive me, give me back the light and joy of life!

You are wise and kind girl, please try to understand and forgive me like a woman. And I will try never to do that again.

Hoping for the best quick reconciliation with the sweetest girl in the world, I offer my most sincere apologies.

I know you have broad soul and a huge heart in which there is no place for resentment and anger, so you will definitely forgive me, right?

Apologizing to a girl in your own words

I can’t understand how it happened that I managed to offend you! I am very sorry. Let's make peace already, please?

If only I knew how to make amends to such a sunny creature like you, but I don’t know, and so I just ask for forgiveness.

Darling, I admit my guilt, I swear that this will not happen again, and I apologize a thousand times, just stop looking at me with such offended eyes, my soul can’t stand it!

I just want to tell you: “I’m sorry.” It would be a sin to offend such a girl. I'm a sinner, I repent.

Please forgive me for upsetting you. Your resentment is a stone on my heart.

Saying “sorry” is difficult, but it is even more difficult to forgive. I hope that you will meet me halfway...

Please accept my apologies for the hurt you suffered because of me. I look forward to your step towards me more than anything in the world.

Unlike many of my previous “highly specialized” articles, this one is intended for a wide range of readers - men and women (and not necessarily those in relationships), because we'll talk about universal human values, namely, about an apology.

It doesn’t matter who you need to apologize to, your business partner or your work colleagues, the essence does not change, just as the methods and approaches to the apology process itself do not change.

Very often people do not know how to ask for forgiveness correctly and therefore cannot achieve the benefits that necessarily follow from a correctly and gracefully made apology. Let's take a quick look:

The most common mistakes when making an apology

Pride. Many people believe that asking for forgiveness means humiliating themselves, so they do not consider it necessary to apologize at all, even if they are sure that they were wrong. Usually such people try to “get away from the situation” and justify themselves by saying: “Why should I, because he (she, they) was also wrong! Let him (she, they) come first, and then I will, if I deem it necessary” or “Or maybe no one will know about what I did? Why should I apologize?" In fact, these words hide elementary cowardice, not pride.

Constriction. Some are embarrassed to apologize and therefore, while saying an apology, they mutter under their breath something similar to: “Well, you are... sorry if something is wrong” or “If I offended you, I’m sorry,” etc.

Prayer. People who consider themselves sincere and open usually apologize like this - they fold their eyebrows into a “house”, give their face an unhappy expression, and then with a breath and anguish say, sobbing and pressing their hands to their heart: “For God’s sake, forgive me for everything, for everything!”

And although in reality there are much more errors, I think that many of you recognized yourself even in these three examples.

As you already understand, none of the listed options is correct and you cannot ask for forgiveness in this way, even if you are convinced that in all cases you apologize sincerely.
The secret to a proper apology is that it must be sincere not only in your opinion and own feeling, but they also need to be MEANINGFUL to those you're apologizing to.
If you know how to apologize properly, then you:

• save the relationship
• restore (or rebuild) trust
• save your energy and save yourself from unnecessary worry
• maintain and increase your self-esteem

About guilt

Think! If you currently feel guilty about words you have said or actions you have taken, what will you lose if you ask for forgiveness?

If you know that you were wrong, or let other people down, you better forget about “saving face.” After all, you know the feeling when relationships with those whom you have harmed or offended lose their openness or do not work out, even if you try to do everything in your power to somehow justify or compensate for the consequences of your words or wrong actions.

Ultimately, you may walk away without making a sincere and meaningful apology, you may stop contacting the people you offended and try to forget about your mistake, but there is always a chance that the “skeleton will come out of the closet” sometime in the future , and at the most inopportune moment.

And yet, you probably wouldn’t be interested in this article if deep down you didn’t admit your mistakes and your guilt. That is, I want to say that if you prefer to “come out of the situation gracefully” instead of apologizing, you don’t have to read further, because the article is intended only for those who sincerely regret their words and actions and want to master the art of “asking.” forgiveness."

However, if you're feeling uneasy right now and don't know where to start, don't worry! Asking for forgiveness is a skill that can be learned, it is a noble act and an integral part of being a good communicator.

Why do you need to apologize?

Remember that sincere and meaningful apologies help build and maintain healthy relationships. Correct request forgiveness works in many ways:

• restores trust.
• prevents possible deterioration of relationships.
• can “push” relationships from a “dead point” and serve as the beginning of their renewal.
• relieves awkwardness between parties. You know this terrible feeling - not knowing how to look into the eyes and what to say to someone to whom you are guilty. Ultimately, this causes you to avoid meeting this person.
• indirectly encourages your partner, spouse, or “other party” to admit their mistake too.
• allows the “other side” to accept you as you are and treat you well with all your flaws and imperfections.

And there are many other advantages...

What is the potential outcome of an apology?

I have to say that the consequences of you admitting your guilt can be negative. Especially if your mistake becomes known only at the time of admission of guilt. You may end up being punished, relationships will be damaged, and you will have to "pay" some price in emotional, spiritual, mental, physical, or material terms. I have no doubt that you, as reasonable people, understand and are ready for such an outcome.

However, there are positive aspects:

• clarified and ultimately improved relationships—with colleagues, friends, family, or your spouse (even if you)
• a clear conscience, which potentially reduces anxiety, improves sleep and restores your self-esteem
• increasing your “power reserve” for experiencing future “dramas” in relationships with other people. Plus, worrying about the truth coming out, worrying that you've done something wrong and caused pain... all of this takes up a tremendous amount of your energy, which could be put to better use.

What do you need to apologize for?

Perhaps what will be written now is taken for granted, but I will still write about what you must definitely ask for forgiveness for. Oddly enough, not everyone knows what their words and actions can cause others to suffer.

You should apologize for any of the following (I'm not ranking by severity):

• there was a misunderstanding because you misunderstood something because you were not aware of all the facts
• you made assumptions but didn't bother to check if they were correct
• you intentionally caused harm to another person so that he would “feel the hard way”
• you were just being selfish
• you broke your promise
• in your conclusions and judgments you were based on rumors and. Gossip hurts other people and greatly undermines your self-esteem
• you simply insulted someone - at home, at work, on the street

A combination of all of the above is also possible.

Another reason why you may have hurt other people is because you were “out of your mind” in Lately. Don't even think about using this as an excuse, but it could be an explanation for your insensitivity towards other people. When you feel empty, grieving, stressed, or depressed, your ability to think about others may be significantly reduced. Although this does not relieve you of the need to apologize.

How to say "sorry"?

You may feel awkward and shy before you are ready to apologize. This is fine. That's how it should be. If you do not experience such emotions, it means that you are not ready to apologize and have not realized your guilt, and in this case your insincerity will not go unnoticed. It will bleed into your behavior, your voice, your choice of words, and your body language. Perhaps you will consciously or unconsciously “overact”, which will ultimately reduce the significance of your apology, if not immediately, then after a while, when the conversation is over and the person to whom you apologized “digests” this event.

In all circumstances, you should try to ask for forgiveness as soon as possible, but you should not act impulsively, so you should consider the following and make a plan:

1. Try to really understand, what your mistake is, how the “other side” perceives it. You may have to do some in-depth analysis. Only by putting yourself in the shoes of the person you offended will you be able to understand how he feels about what you did.

2. Decide when you're going to do it.

3. Decide how you will apologize:

• by phone
• by email
• via SMS
• in a letter
• personally

A face-to-face or absentee apology?

In principle, any option can be acceptable if different conditions and circumstances, so let's look at everything in more detail. I want you to be as successful as possible in this endeavor and to improve your relationships, enhance your reputation, and earn respect as much as possible.

“Sorry” via SMS

Forget about it! The only time you should use text message is if you are late for a meeting! ALL!!!

Apologize via email

This option is only acceptable if you do not know the person personally. For example, there was a minor misunderstanding with a supplier or with a colleague working in another city, whom you know only through correspondence via e-mail.

Apologize in a handwritten letter or card

Yes, a written apology is a potentially reasonable option. I often advise my clients to handwrite a letter to their partner or spouse, especially if you think they are unlikely to give you the opportunity to speak in person.

Writing a letter is also a good idea if, for example, you want to make a public apology to a group of people.

Before you start writing, you need to carefully think through every word and this will take you more than one day. After you finish writing the letter, reread it several times and try to imagine the reader in different moods: anger, sadness or happiness, and, accordingly, his reaction. In your opinion, it should be adequate for any mood of the reader. If this doesn’t work, make changes to the text.

Before sending a letter, read it again to eliminate any gaps or inaccuracies and to prevent misunderstanding of what you wrote as much as you can.

Below is an example of an apology letter. You can use this sample as a guide only and adapt it to your needs and style. You can change gender (he/she) and number (singular/plural) depending on the circumstances.

The example is quite general and is a very rough template, the purpose of which is to give you direction, but nothing more.

It is very important that the letter shows that it was not copied from somewhere, but that it was written by you!

Try to find a reasonable balance between demonstrating that what you wrote is the result of your work and the significance of the letter for the person to whom it is addressed. Under no circumstances use words and expressions that are not typical for you.

Sample apology letter

Dear/Dear/Beloved...

I am writing to express my deep regret and sincere apology for my [rash/rude/mean/mean/foolish] actions

(AND/OR)

for my [actions/behavior/words/ignoring/mistake/failure]

I [understood/deeply realized] that it was very wrong of me to [lash out/attack/argue/ignore/nitpick/blame/insult]

(AND/OR)

I understand that my [behavior/words/statement/silence/inaction] was completely inappropriate, inexcusable and disrespectful.

I can only imagine the [pain/frustration/embarrassment/awkwardness] that caused

and the damage I caused [to our relationship/your reputation/your chances/your trust in me (the main thing here is not to get carried away and start talking about yourself!)]

I hope that you will give me the opportunity to apologize only [in person/in front of everyone].

(AND/OR)

I would appreciate the opportunity to correct my mistake and convince you of how well I understand what I have actually done.

Of course, I realize that I may have caused irreparable damage and may not be able to do any more

(OR)

I understand that I will never be able to

With [respect/love], ...

Apologize over the phone

This option is only available if you are so far away that you cannot apologize in person or in writing within a reasonable time frame.

Now I'll give you 10 tips to help you apologize gracefully and meaningfully.

Remember that the most the best option is to apologize face-to-face.

1. Gain courage by reminding yourself of how you “survived” other “difficult conversations” or similar situations in the past.

2. Offering an apology in person can reinforce it. a small gift, which will give your words more meaning. A bottle of wine, flowers, a ticket to an event, a box of chocolates, etc. will add energy to your apology.

3. Make sure you choose right time for an apology. A person should be able to listen to you without rushing or being distracted. If he is busy, you have no right to demand his attention. Your apology is your problem!

4. Take the time to convey to the person your deep understanding of the mistake made. So that he has no doubt that you are fully aware of what exactly you did, what consequences it led to and what emotional experiences he should have.

5. Take full responsibility for your role in the situation.

6. Ask for forgiveness unconditionally by saying something like: “I now [understand/see] that my actions caused (what you understand) and I am truly sorry for that. I know that by [saying/doing/etc.], (talk about your words and actions), I have [destroyed/damaged/ruined] [your reputation/our relationship/your trust, etc. ]".

7. Ask what you can do to help your partner/spouse/colleague/“the other party” correct, compensate, or mitigate the consequences of your action.

8. As already mentioned, you can back up your apology with a small gift - concert tickets, candy, a bottle of wine, etc. Here it is necessary to make some clarifications. A gift is just a symbol, so it should not be expensive, so as not to put a person in an awkward position, and the presentation of the gift itself should be appropriate. Think about what it will look like. Perhaps you shouldn't hand it over. If you decide to give a gift, do so only after you have finished saying everything you were going to say.

9. Really try to make amends sincerely and take all necessary measures to solve the underlying problem that your mistake caused. This is the most important point, since simply saying “sorry” without taking real action will, over time (very quickly), return you to the “culprit” status again. Thus, your apology will not have positive consequences either for you or for the person from whom you are asking for forgiveness.

10. After bringing sincere apologies, you need to be prepared to calmly accept the reaction to them. This may be expressed in the following:

• the other person may need time to process what happened
• your apology will not be accepted
• you may not be heard to the end
• the other person may take this opportunity to express their anger and pain

How to say “I’m sorry” without causing an argument or a fight

This is what you should avoid at all costs when apologizing face-to-face!

• Don't expect that the person offended by you will make a “response speech.” Agree that he is not obligated to do or say anything in exchange for your apology. Based on this …
• Don't burden other person with your feeling of guilt and do not ask him either by word or look to rid you of this feeling. Only you are responsible for overcoming your feelings of guilt.
• Don't start blame the other side. Apologizing unconditionally means that you take full responsibility for your part of the problem. It may well be that the “other side” is also to blame, but it is completely inappropriate to say or even hint at this.

Is it really your fault?

I just now decided to pay attention to this issue, because the main focus of this article is how and why to ask for forgiveness. However, some people feel guilty about literally everything and it seems that they are ready to apologize even for living in this world. This is always associated with low self-esteem.

If you are below par and you have a tendency to apologize for anything, please work on your self-esteem.

Also, consider another option. Your partner, spouse or colleague may be tempted to commit emotional abuse. This is not necessary, but I want you to consider the possibility of manipulation when a situation is presented in a way that makes you feel guilty and forced to apologize for something you didn't actually do.

FROM THE AUTHOR: My responses in the comments are the opinion of an individual and not the advice of a specialist. I’m trying to answer everyone without exception, but unfortunately I don’t have time to study long stories, analyze them, ask questions about them and then answer in detail, and I also do not have the opportunity to accompany your situations, because this requires great amount I have very little free time.

In this regard, I kindly ask you to ask specific questions about the topic of the article, do not try to use the comments for correspondence or chat, and do not expect me to provide advice in the comments.

Of course, you can ignore my request (which many people do), but then be prepared for me to ignore yours. This is not a matter of principle, but solely of time and my physical capabilities. Don't be offended.

If you want to receive qualified help, please seek advice, and I will devote my time and knowledge to you with full dedication.

With respect and hope for understanding, Frederica

It happens that a conflict situation or misunderstanding arises with a client/customer. And it doesn’t even matter who is to blame: a client is a client, and if he is dissatisfied, he will vote in rubles and simply never contact your company again. Moreover, he will tell everyone around how badly you treated him... Therefore, if your company is interested in maintaining good relations with visitors, clients and customers, you must be able to apologize for voluntary, involuntary and even non-existent mistakes. The tool for this is an apology letter.

In a conflict situation, it is necessary to smooth out as soon as possible sharp corners. One of the mandatory professional qualities of a manager working with people is the ability to anticipate an official complaint, the text of which is already being quickly drawn up in the head of a client bursting with rage (it’s good if it’s addressed to an organization, but there are also the Federal Antimonopoly Service, Rospotrebnadzor and other, no less pleasant, regulatory bodies), and prevent her appearance.

An apology letter is one of the most complex letters related to business correspondence. Firstly, it is extremely difficult to maintain a balance between the desire to maintain a good relationship with the customer and so that your company does not “lose face.” Secondly, very often the author of the apology asks for forgiveness not for his own mistakes, but for the oversight of subordinate employees or even employees of another department. But in any case, it is necessary to apologize.

When do you write an apology letter?

It is advisable to send a letter of apology to the client, if possible, without waiting for complaints from him, in the following cases:

— Failure to fulfill clauses of the contract or assumed obligations.

- Violation business etiquette or inappropriate behavior of your company's employees towards or in the presence of the client/customer's company employees.

— Force majeure circumstances leading to a breach of contract. Yes, you are not responsible for a massive city power outage, flood or earthquake. But this needs to be said.

Structure of an apology letter

An apology letter is a type of business letter, so the rules for its composition and structure are not particularly different from the rules for the composition and structure of any other letter. Universal rules writing business letters are described here.

The subject line of the letter does not need to specifically indicate that this is an apology. Let it be neutral: “On delivery under contract No...”, “On signing the certificate of completion,” etc.

The text of the apology letter is written on behalf of the head of the department or, even better, the organization. This demonstrates that management is aware of the problem and is personally committed to solving it. For the same reasons, it is better to do without the “Performer” requisite.

The letter is printed on company letterhead and registered as outgoing in the general manner.

The text of the letter can be divided into several semantic parts:

Apology

This is the first paragraph or sentence. Apologies are made only once at the beginning of the letter!

For example:

Dear Alexander Olegovich!

In connection with the current situation, we would like to apologize to you for the actions of our employee...”

Explanation of reasons

In this part of the letter you write about the reasons that led to conflict situation. You should not embellish details or, especially, invent non-existent ones - this will not lead to anything good. It is also advisable to avoid phrases such as “there was a misunderstanding”, “small problem”, “accidental delay”, etc. Even if you think that the situation that has arisen is really a small misunderstanding, then you should think about the fact that this could be a big nuisance for the client.

For example:

The delivery of products was delayed due to an error that occurred in the sales department: due to an oversight, the wrong product code was entered into the application.

Expression of regret, grief

The main thing here is not to repeat yourself and not start apologizing again. This has already been done once at the beginning of the letter, it is no longer necessary. The purpose of this part is to make it clear to the client that an unpleasant incident is an exception to the general rule.

For example:

We are extremely disappointed that you had to waste your time traveling to our office.

Reporting measures taken to resolve the problem

The subtlety of this fragment of the apology letter is that the future tense must be avoided. Phrases “we will try to sort it out”, “employees responsible for this situation will be punished”, “measures will be taken”, etc. Write as if all this has already been done. And ideally this is how it should be.

For example:

A conversation was held with employees of the trading floor about the inadmissibility of inappropriate behavior with visitors. In relation to Simagin P.A. a disciplinary sanction in the form of a reprimand was applied.

Conclusion

Here it is worth thanking the client for their understanding, patience, and expressing hope that similar situations will not be repeated in the future.

For example:

We thank you for your understanding and hope that this incident will not affect our long-standing and fruitful cooperation.

The cases in which it is worth writing a letter of apology to your partners or clients can be very different. By acting competently, you have every chance of getting not a client dissatisfied with your actions, but a loyal and friendly partner.