Dropped by a young man. Cut off all ends? I was dumped by a young man whom I dated for six years Review of the consultation
Marinusya
Hello! The young man left me. I am 32 years old, he is 28. We met at work a year and a half ago, he was married, there is a child from this marriage. We began a relationship, at first non-committal flirting, later affection, which grew into stronger feelings. Six months after we met, he broke up with his wife, or rather, she left him after learning about his betrayal. A month later, he rented an apartment and I began to stay with him almost every day. There were several times talking about living together, but it didn’t end with anything, I was on guest mode. Six months later, I became pregnant, at first he said that he did not need a child, he was not ready to become a dad again, but there was no talk of an abortion either on his part, or even more so on mine. We quarreled a lot, but after a couple of weeks we began to communicate again, after some time he offered to move in with him and I moved. When I went on maternity leave, I often stayed with my mother, because there were conditions for sleeping, walking and preparing for childbirth. A month before the birth, we had a big fight, there were attempts to explain and somehow improve relations mainly on my part, because I felt most of the guilt in the quarrel. After the quarrel, I stayed with my mother. We rarely talked. After the birth, he did not come to be discharged, the child and I were discharged to my mother, he arrived a week later and said that he was not ready for us to live together and that he was better off alone. A week later he brought my things. I have a feeling that I destroyed the relationship and left the child without a father, because he has an ambiguous attitude towards the child: he said that he does not consider himself a father, because I recorded the child in my last name (this issue was agreed with him). And now I don’t know what to do: accept his infrequent visits to the child and put up with it, or cut all the ends, because it’s hard for me to communicate with him?
Marina, hello! Firstly, congratulations on becoming a mom! Who is your son or daughter? How much time has passed since the birth? Do I understand correctly that after that big quarrel before the birth, you didn’t really communicate with the father of the child? Have you already issued a birth certificate? Who is the child's father? Could you explain why it is difficult for you to communicate with this man and for what reason did you quarrel on the eve of the birth?
What would you like to get as a result of a consultation with a psychologist?
Marinusya
Thanks for the congratulations!) We have a daughter. From his first marriage, he also has a daughter, and when the ultrasound showed the girl, he was very happy, he said that there would be a father's daughter. Childbirth was on March 19, discharge after 5 days, now 6 weeks have passed, respectively. Yes, that's right, a month before the birth, we had a big quarrel, in fact, because of nonsense, he was going to go to his parents and told me before leaving (my parents live nearby), and I was preparing a surprise for him for the evening and was offended that he would visit he didn’t agree with my parents, they recalled some old grievances to each other, my hormones played a lot, now I understand that all this was wrong, and yes, after that we rarely called up and wrote off on social networks. I issued a certificate, in the column father - a dash. In fact, before the birth, I said that it would be possible to register the child in my last name, because the marriage was not registered and bureaucratic red tape could be avoided, he said nothing, I decided that this option suits him. And then, after that quarrel, in the process of sorting out the relationship, he said that I had deprived him of parental rights. And after the registration of the certificate, he also said that I spat in his soul, putting a dash. It is difficult to see and communicate with him, because there is a strong attachment to him. I miss him, I miss communicating with him, physically I miss hugs and kisses. Before giving birth, thoughts are busy with others, but now I want his support and attention. Thank you very much for your answer, I want to understand myself and understand how to communicate with him further.
Marinusya, in my opinion, the most important issue now is the paternity of the child. Could you explain why you put a dash? In fact, by this you have accepted the status of a single mother, do we understand the situation the same way? By doing so, you effectively waived your daughter's paternity rights, including the father's financial contribution. Did you do it consciously? If yes, what is behind it for you? If not, do you agree that this is the case?
Marinusya
Yes, Ekaterina, now the most important issue is paternity. My dad died when I was 10 years old, and I would really like my child to have a dad. There was no awareness for this: the only reason is bureaucratic issues: for example, it is easier to take a child abroad, there is no need to issue a father's permission. I had no idea that for a young man it could be so important. Maybe I'm wrong, but I treat the evidence just like paper, nothing more.
Marinusya, as you saw from the behavior of your man, this can be perceived quite differently. Have you ever discussed this issue with him, explained your motives? Does he participate at least somehow in the child? Does it provide financial support to you?
Marinusya
To be honest, I still don’t understand if this is really so important to him or just an excuse to break up. When I mentioned for the first time that it is possible to register a child with my last name, he did not react in any way, he simply remained silent. Later he mentioned that the child would have my last name, I argued, there were no discussions on his part, and until the last moment I said that the issue was open, that is, I categorically did not insist, but I thought that this option suits him. Everything was decided when he arrived after giving birth and said that he was not ready to live together and that he was better off alone. I asked how we would enroll the child, but my last name, he said yes. Over the past week, asked only once in the social. Networking like a child. He didn't show himself anymore. Before that, he was interested, but I called or wrote first, I wanted to somehow establish communication with him, hoping that something else could be returned, of course, without tantrums and clarifying our relationship, for example, I asked to take me and the child to the clinic. He drove, and the child did not let go, he was kind. But on the same day he called and said that his help did not mean anything and that he did not consider himself a dad, because he did not live with us. It doesn’t help financially, but I didn’t ask, he said that he would help as much as possible.
This is the question, that after our rare meetings and communication, memories of our joint past flood over me for another two or three days, a feeling of guilt rolls over that I failed to save the relationship, I understand that I miss him. And I can’t figure out how best to proceed: to completely break off all communication or give him time, perhaps he will change his attitude towards the child.
Marinusya
Ideally, I would like to create a family, the one that we talked about while we lived together, because there were plans and dreams together. But I'm not sure that he needs it. When he brought things, I asked: maybe it’s worth giving the relationship another chance, he said that now neither I nor he need it, let’s leave everything like that at least for a while. It seems to me that he has another woman or he is actively searching. The conclusions were drawn on the basis that I began to take care of myself: I made a fashionable haircut, went in for sports, bought new things.
Marinusya, if this is true, and he is not interested in restoring your relationship now, what option do you see for yourself? Would you like to establish his paternity? Is it important for you that your daughter has a father whose name is known and who can be called to financial responsibility?
Marinusya
There are two options: either break off all communication with him: as you know, out of sight, out of mind; or endure infrequent communication and wait for him to return. Of course, the fact that my daughter has a dash in her certificate, I consider my biggest mistake, and, of course, I had to insist all the same that the child was recorded in the father's surname. It’s a pity, but nothing can be done now: I suggested, the answer was such that, as always in my repertoire, I first spat in his soul, and then I try to fix something.
Ekaterina, what does "if it's true" mean, do you think that he could be cunning?
Marinusya, I do not agree that nothing can be done. You can admit your mistake and ask him to acknowledge paternity. If he refuses, you can claim paternity through the courts. What matters most is whether you want it for yourself and for your daughter. From my point of view, this is a very important question, not only about your relationship with a man, but also from the point of view of the future of your child. She will definitely want to know who her father was and she will ask these questions to you, and it is possible that she will blame you for depriving her of the opportunity to communicate with her father. It is most likely not in your power to maintain a relationship with a man who has cooled off towards you, but it is absolutely in your power to provide your daughter with a father in her life. In any case, if you do everything in your power, you yourself will be able to look your daughter in the eyes with a clear conscience, and all responsibility for this will not be on you.
If you are really without emotions and for the sake of your unborn child, try to discuss this issue with a man, then I think a lot will become clear to you. When a person admits his mistake and asks for the opportunity to correct it - not even for himself, but for the future common child, only a person who avoids responsibility very much will respond with the phrase about "spitting in the soul." If I were you, I would say this: “You can consider me anyone and think whatever you want, but you and I simply have to take into account the future of our daughter. I made a mistake and I regret it, I ask you not for your own sake, but for her sake to reconsider your decision.
By “if this is true”, I meant that he does not behave so negatively with you for educational reasons, but really, he has found or hopes to build new relationships, and now it is more interesting for him, and therefore becoming an official father is not very convenient.
Marinusya
Catherine, thank you very much for the detailed explanation. Let me clarify: but even if a man agrees to reissue a child's birth certificate, this cannot affect his desire to see and communicate with his daughter. I'm afraid that time will pass and he will never develop attachment to the child. And then, if my arguments regarding his new relationship are correct, do you think this will prevent him from recognizing the child, did I understand correctly?
Marinusya
Not really. Ekaterina, for me, the interests of the child are above, and after our communication with you, I am more inclined towards another option.
Marinusya, I agree with you that there are no guarantees that a man will turn towards his daughter. But for me, at the same time, it is quite obvious that getting a man to recognize himself as the father of your girl is a feasible task. Although, if he seriously resists this, it can be very unpleasant for you. That's why I'm asking you, do you need it? You rightly wrote at the very beginning: that organizationally it will be easier for you, for example, you will be able to use help from the state as a single mother, and also you will not have to get the consent of a man to travel abroad. In a situation where he explicitly refuses to participate in the upbringing of the child, this may be a rational choice. But I draw your attention to the fact that now he blames you for the current state of affairs, and it is possible that he will behave the same way in the future, for example, when his daughter is an adult. Can you explain to her that it was not only your choice? If this risk seems significant to you now, then perhaps it is really worth making an effort to go your part of the way and make efforts to return him to the role of a father (at least at the official level). In this case, all other decisions will already be in his area of responsibility.
I understand that the direction of our consultation deviated somewhat from your original request to re-establish an emotional connection with your daughter's father, but for the time being I believe that this aspect cannot be ignored.
As for your relationship in general, do you feel the strength in yourself to make another attempt to clarify something with a man and indicate to him your wishes to return the relationship, or do you think that it is useless?
Marinusya
Ekaterina, thank you very much, I re-read and re-read our correspondence with you and the situation opened up for me in a slightly different perspective. You are absolutely right that it is impossible not to take into account the relationship between a man and a child, it turns out such a closed triangle. For me, first of all, it became important to take into account the communication of the child with the father, I will not hide that I really would not want to feel guilty in front of the child that she grows up without a father, but it is already there. But if we consider the question of my relationship with a man not for the sake of the child, but for myself, then I still, probably, would have found the strength. Based on previous experience: a break in relations should bring a feeling of freedom and inspiration or something, as if getting rid of something heavy, but now there is no such feeling, there is only a feeling of pain and lack of a loved one nearby.
Marinusya, I understand you and I sympathize with you very much. Do I understand correctly that you yourself are not quite sure whether a man is offended by you and expresses his negative feelings with his distance, or that he has long had a desire to leave the relationship, and he used some events as a reason for this?
Do you have mutual friends who could shed light on this issue? Perhaps someone from your environment communicates with him or with those who know him? Could you try to collect more information about how your child's father lives now?
It also seems to me important information about his previous marriage: as I understood from your story, your relationship with him began while he was still married, and in a sense, he moved from a relationship with his wife to your relationship without interruption. What do you know about how he broke up with his wife? Was he involved in the life of his first daughter? Did you keep in touch with her and your ex-wife? How were property issues resolved? Do you know anything about why he was not satisfied with his marriage, what he himself considered the reason for parting with his wife?
Do the man's parents know that they have another granddaughter? Did you know them?
Who is helping you now? Whose support can you rely on, who provides for you and your child? Since you met him at work, perhaps there are common colleagues who can help you with information about the man?
Marinusya
No, Catherine, I'm not sure. But I think that if a man wanted to end the relationship for a long time, he would have done it. In principle, I am an emotional person and during pregnancy I was often irritated by trifles and tears could shed for no apparent reason, and the quarrel that happened between us apparently became his last drop of patience. We have common acquaintances only at work, but I don’t think that this will somehow clarify what he lives now. Exclusively only from his words, because in those rare meetings when we see each other, he willingly talks about his affairs.
Yes, that's right, our relationship began when he was married, it was just flirting, nothing more: he doubted, then reconciled with his wife, then quarreled again and again ran to me. With his wife, they parted very hard, with a scandal. The reason for their constant quarrels that led to the divorce was her frequent hanging out with friends in clubs, etc. (this is from his words, but I can’t doubt it, because his wife posted photos on social networks and I saw them). He has a strong affection for his daughter, he took her all weekend and introduced me to the child almost immediately, at that time the girl was 2 years old, in the summer her ex-wife took her to her parents, where the child still lives, now they only communicate by phone, but regularly. There was no property issue - the apartment was rented, respectively, they dispersed to different apartments.
Marinusya, I feel that it would be very difficult for you to break off relations with a man, although you have not only positive feelings for him now. Maybe a frank conversation could help you, in which you would express what you understood about your relationship, admit some mistakes, say about your desire to make an attempt to build a relationship again and be good parents to your common child and a good partner for a man? Perhaps it would be important for him to hear it from you? Do you feel ready for such a conversation, even if he cannot give you the desired answer?
Marinusya
I can’t say that he is closed: he showed his dissatisfaction with something, but casually, without conflicts and stormy clarifications. As a rule, if I doubted some of his feelings or something embarrassed me, then I initiated the conversations, but he did not shy away from answers and, as a rule, we managed to understand each other. The value of relationships is the very fact of having a loved one to whom you can turn for advice, he is kind, sympathetic and caring. Parents, like his other relatives, know about our child. I only know my mother. The father often travels, relatives live in another city. Now we with the child live at my mum. Financially, I can only rely on myself, because there are small savings.
A frank conversation is definitely the way out, but I'm afraid to seem intrusive, because I already asked him if his decision to break off the relationship was final and after a while asked for another chance. There was only one answer: now it will be better for you and me. Although perhaps it was necessary to be more confident: to ask for forgiveness, admit mistakes and talk in more detail.
Review of the consultation
Marinusya
Great psychologist! She felt the situation very accurately, examined it in detail and helped to solve it. Thanks a lot!
In fact, he tried to leave last year, but I asked him to stay and give us a chance. He stayed. All holidays together, constant calls, meetings, etc. But he kept repeating that he was with me, because I persuaded him, but he doesn’t reach out to me (yes, of course, I myself am very drawn to him, but a man always needs space, all my friends say that he reaches out, all the time together, and he says one thing, and he was there all the time). Now he once again said: “I don’t reach out, we shouldn’t be together, we need to leave. And the fact that I follow your lead is that I am a rag, I shouldn’t pick up the phone when you call and follow your lead at all. Previously, there were such ignores, and a few days later he called or wrote himself, as if just like that. And now - another ignore. Only at the last meeting, he very much insisted on parting, I tried to keep it by all means and still cursed at him strongly that he was doing this to me. When he realized that there was no way to get rid of me (and apparently I had already finished him), after some of my phrases, he gave me a slap in the face. I began to cry and scream (I did not expect, this is the kindest person I have ever met). Apparently, in order to silence me, he began to choke me (not much) and beat me with slaps on the head. I realized that it could end badly and with some effort of will I forced myself to shut up (it turned out to be not easy, this cry seemed to be to itself). In general, now from him a total ignore. I understand that he himself is afraid of me now, after he could not restrain himself.
But. 1. I've been looking for a job for more than a month, it doesn't work, some kind of stopper. The money is over. I turned to him for help, against the backdrop of all the latest quarrels, he said that I was divorcing him for money (I asked for the first time in a year of relationship). With curses, he gave me 900 rubles (his salary is no less than 70 thousand). The next day, I put this money on his phone so that he would not say that I was swindling for such “huge” amounts. 2. I rent an apartment that he enjoyed visiting all this year. When the owners said that they were selling housing, he began to say that maybe I would move in with him later (lives with my mother). After all the quarrels, of course, this conversation calmed down with him. The property has been sold. Deal today. I can't find a new one. Even if I found it, there is no money (it's a lot of money, I'm in Moscow). 3. I have already borrowed money from friends for life, I have a psychologist, but now I have stopped meeting, again because of the money issue.
Mom has an anniversary next week, I’ll go to her, I should please her, and I’m completely “out”. Relations with her have always been not very good, it seems to me that she will again start talking about returning to my hometown, but I want to live here.
I know that I am a masochist, that I need to distract myself, pull myself together, etc. I talked with friends, but this support is just to talk once and still I remain alone.
I call him and write. I ask you to just stay around, talk, I say that it’s not up to swearing, etc., and that I don’t ask for a relationship, I ask you to just support me in the situation (no money, no apartment, no job, it’s clear that this will all change, but now the most critical moment). And he ignores. Blacklisted and all. And I can't even call/text him for a day. I don’t understand, is it really impossible to just humanly support a person who was dear (and I am still dear to him, it’s just that he holds on to his decision “not to be a rag”, but is supporting a person a rag?). I don't believe in people. How can you believe in men and in relationships (and this man is very good, we had a very good relationship), if they can then calmly write to ignore?
I'm stuck in this state. I tried to go to sports, have fun, watch movies, pray, but still a new wave covers. It is clear that this will pass. I just need to get through this time ... Why can people we trust afford to leave us alone in the most critical situation? (although yes, I understand, others are worse, it's not death, etc., but it's hard unrealistic). And now I hate spring, we met last spring and everything was so beautiful. I have neither strength nor desire. Someday this will pass. How to survive it? And how not to stop believing people?
- the worst thing is that I understand that if he comes after a while, I will forgive him (I always forgive everyone, I'm weak, I fall for every kind word) (what if he doesn't come ???) ... But why now, when you need him, he can't be there? why do I forgive later when you have to hate for leaving you alone like this ...
Elena, I understand how painful it is for you now, because any separation due to emotional stress is approximately equal to the state of experiencing the loss of a loved one who literally passed away. However, you need to give yourself time to get through all the emotional stages of the breakup. No matter how strange it may sound, but in order to restore inner balance, you now need to start spending energy on developing a new feeling called love ... Only to love as much as you once did this person, now you need to have to yourself, not allowing, so that your life remains focused only on the guy, on memories, sad emotions. Begin to restore yourself from within, believing that you yourself are worthy of investing energy in yourself, that the most important value for you is yourself. So far, it looks like you are still living it. If this is true, then you yourself keep it in your living space, allowing it in this way, albeit indirectly, from memories, to constantly influence your life and nervous system, and driving yourself into a depressed state, which you want to get rid of with the help of medicines. What for? All this takes energy from you, which you could better spend on yourself, your beloved. Now, in order to start enjoying life again, to build new relationships that you will definitely have, you should put an end to these, emotionally, mentally, and informationally distance yourself from the guy completely. A person broke up with you, in this way he improved his life for himself, rebuilt, as you see, he knows how to live without you. You need to do the same - you have every right, you just have to become happy, for yourself, your beloved, start living, because he does not value you, he made his choice, you do yours. Stop directing attention, and therefore energy, in his direction, try to immediately switch to something else at the first thought, recollection of him, do not be interested, do not communicate at all, and when forced to communicate with him, be calm, independent, natural , self-sufficient, without demonstrating anything with your appearance and behavior through force, without proving, without asking, without expecting, do not go into personal conversations. Start building your new happy life, realizing that without him it is quite possible. You deserve to be happy, loved, for nothing, just for being you, without doing anything specifically for this and without deserving, without making memories, suffering the meaning of your being. Thinking about him, you yourself do not allow a worthy man to appear next to you. Let's accept what happened as a life experience, as a chance to change everything for the better, let's get rid of the misperception of ourselves and negative emotions, start to become ourselves and realize our worth as a person, a beautiful woman, beauty, intelligence, kindness, responsiveness, humor and all others positive qualities (you have a lot of them, add them yourself! This is a psychological exercise). No means of effect will give until you create the necessary harmony within yourself. Start living for yourself, in joy and pleasure, in the full sense of these expressions, allow it to yourself, this will be the first significant step towards letting go of a person, to shifting the focus of attention from him to improving your life as a whole. You should pay attention to yourself, stop dwelling on what happened, pondering the motives and consequences of his behavior, observing him, if any, in any format, and completely refocus solely on yourself - life is too short to spend it on illusions and those who do not values you. The meaning of life has not gone away, there is always something and someone to live for, even those who have a few days left to live find meaning. Stop worrying, it won't help you. Also, do not look for a quick escape from loneliness, and support in other people, men, find an inner source of vitality. Give vent to your emotions: cry, scream, beat a pillow or a pear in the gym, smash it, tear it apart, write on a piece of paper everything you want to part with forever, all the negativity and tear it up, burn it - it will become easier, verified by experience. Use physical exercises that are pleasant and acceptable for you, even walks in nature give a huge boost of energy, if you really feel the sensations you get, watch comedies and funny shows (this is laughter therapy) - find your own way to recharge yourself with positive, your own method of self-regulation. Look at the situation from this point of view: this person performed a certain function next to you, gave experience, there is no point in being with him anymore, and parting and being alone with yourself are not only sad emotions, they will pass, it is also freedom from someone / something, but for something, and the opportunity to understand yourself, set new goals for yourself, look at the world through the eyes of a person freely managing his time and himself, meet a man who will love you and give you an understanding that you - the best, because it is. Never dissolve in another person and relationship, maintain your integrity, do not let the feeling of happiness and fullness of life depend on you from another person, his opinion or behavior. Just pay attention to yourself, allow yourself to be yourself. What to do next with your life - the choice is yours. Yes, you will have to change it, but it does not mean that for the worse. Start looking for opportunities to get new experiences (not just be distracted, but consciously do something pleasant for yourself, feel it), joyful emotions - now for you this is like a spa treatment, rest, doctors and medicines combined. Love yourself, appreciate and respect - people and men will treat you the same way. Allow yourself to be happy regardless of the presence of other people in your life. All love begins with self-love, so love yourself for who you are, and other people's attitude towards you will also change for the better. Self-love is the unconditional acceptance of yourself as you are, understanding your desires, feeling that you are good regardless of the opinions of others, age, education, finances, appearance, status. Everything will be fine with you, believe me, everything will fall into place as soon as you start treating yourself carefully and respectfully (this is self-love). Never wait for someone to help, prompt, make a decision for you, make your life happy - build it yourself, fill it with new desired content. Be good first of all for yourself, become your own main value, an object of effort, a life guide, you are worth it, you will never abandon yourself, do not offend, do not betray. Believe in yourself, you can, you will achieve everything, you will succeed, do not be afraid of anything - live with these thoughts. Each person chooses whether to be happy or unhappy - allow yourself to be whatever you want. Take action. This is a very short answer. If you want to get support, professional advice, to communicate - contact us, we are always happy to help, support, find acceptable ways to solve the situation. Good luck, love and harmony with yourself. Thank you for your response, I'd be grateful.
Good afternoon. I was interested in your answer "Elena, I understand how painful it is for you now, because any separation due to emotional stress is about p ..." to the question http://www.. Can I discuss this answer with you?
Discuss with an expertHello!
I am 35 years old and live in a small village. I know that no one can help me now, I am writing only to relieve my soul a little. Everything is trite. For others, it may seem that everything is not so serious and there are many such stories. I was dumped by a young man whom I had been dating for six years. And I should not have any complaints about him, he never promised to be with me until the grave ..
I liked him at first sight. Handsome, smart, versatile, athletic, skillful. In addition, it turned out later that he was noble and decent. He treated his parents with great respect. There are few of them now.
They began to meet. True, he does not live in our village, so we met more on weekends, we always spent holidays together. I got more and more used to it. It seemed that the soul in heaven soars and laughs when he was near. I tried my best to surround him with care and attention. Everything seemed to be fine, if not for one "but". From the very beginning, he could never call for several days in a row. There were never compliments and beautiful words, sincere conversations. Like I'm just a friend. When, over time, she began to hint at this to him, he said “I’m not like that and I won’t”, and “what to talk about every day”. I was bored and could even just be silent with him for hours ... I was tormented by doubts, whether he really was “not like that” himself, or he simply did not love me. Now I don't know anymore. Against this background, they often quarreled and I was offended. Or rather, I always spoke out, he remained silent, then I did not talk to him. But nothing has changed. And it all piled up. She worried about it all the time, but she didn't want to lose him. It seemed that in everything else we fit together, when we are together, we feel good and interesting together, and I loved him very much.
In November last year, he told me that he was tired, that he wanted to decide already in life, and we, as he had long understood, could not be together. And left. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I didn’t eat anything, I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t sit or lie down, she was in total hellish pain. She called, wrote, begged - silence. It’s a shame, because I was once proud, I condemned obsessive girls, but now I didn’t care, as long as I was there. The month of hell, the worst month of my life. Then somehow met, persuaded him to "try again." They rarely met, I understood with my mind that everything was useless, I was terribly worried, but I didn’t show it. On a nervous basis, serious problems began in gynecology, now it is not known whether I will have children, and even my age is already.
He left for good two months ago. He said that it was not even about quarrels, he realized that he needed a girl of a different type.
For me, life is now over. Without food and sleep, she lost weight up to 45 kg, her tears, her hair turned gray in a month. I can’t talk to anyone, do anything, like a living corpse, only this constant terrible pain in my chest and mortal longing for him.
Some women on the site complain that they were left alone with small children when they were abandoned. They do not understand what happiness it is - that there is a child, the meaning of life, which you can take care of and love, educate. Now I would give anything to have a piece of a loved one ...
Why live now? Who needs me now? Yes, I myself will not be able to love anyone like that, I know for sure. And there is nothing to be distracted by in a small village. And I can't do anything.
And he will soon have a new wonderful girlfriend, they will love each other and be happy, have a family and children .. I understand that he is not to blame, but it hurts so much.
He also wanted us to remain friends, to be able to communicate later. He knows about my condition, calls periodically, copes. I even came a couple of times, worried, saying that I was acting stupidly, that all this would pass with time. And after that I feel even worse...
I don't know how to live on.
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Albina, age: 35 / 07/19/2013
Responses:
Hello dear Albina! I read your story .. I experienced about the same thing .. or not quite experienced .. I don’t know yet .. I only know that no matter how trite it sounds, life goes on and it is given to a person only once and if you are now literally do not force yourself to live fully .. the pain will not go away. Just try to learn to rejoice, as a baby learns to walk, and now you need to learn to rejoice at every dawn, not to regret the sunsets and that you will not return, love yourself, give yourself and those children who can have at least one a chance... I don’t know, of course I’m just a person, not even a psychologist, it’s just that for some reason your pain is like mine... I know for sure that the pain of the soul is being treated, you just need to try to fill it, this very soul with light, joy, faith .. Living in the past means reliving that pain over and over again.. let it go! ENOUGH! To be honest, I would try not to see this person at all, believe me, it will be easier this way ... In any case, everything is in your hands! "The kingdom of God is within you..." do not despair, soon, very soon you will feel better...
dreamka , age: 32/20.07.2013
Albino!!! You are so kind, warm, sweet))) Your whole letter is permeated with such warmth .... I empathize with your misfortune! I cry with you!
I want to hug you and sit quietly next to you. It is a pity that men rarely realize what treasure is next to them.
Hoping that the man will return is not worth it. You won’t be forcibly sweet .... From the outside, it seems that he maintained relations with you in reserve, so if he left, then let him not return. While it's so hard for you, transfer your love and warmth to your loved ones, maybe someone needs it more...
Pray for everyone, forgive him, if people were fully aware of how much pain they can bring, then they would not do this ... And your man did not know what he was doing. Forgive him. Perhaps he is under pressure from the outside, you did not mention his age. You understand, relatives are trying to marry, marry, etc. Maybe he didn't have a choice...
Try to think less about him and do not blame yourself, you are not to blame for what happened ... God help you. I will pray for you, everything will be alright
Tatyana, age: 30 / 07/20/2013
Hello. What can I say to you - hold on, time heals everything. But why are you killing yourself right after this person that you just turned gray after his departure, you lived only for him, and at the same time you understood that you didn’t have happiness and consent. After all, you yourself say that he was quite cold, especially since you only saw each other on the weekends, this also alienates people. Now you just need to pull yourself together and wait, time will pass and you will not be so bitter about his departure, believe me, I have experienced it myself. By my 30s, I have also experienced enough breakups, and I know how painful it is to be left alone without even having children. I don't have them either, and I also have health problems. But we must fight, as it is said here in one article - life is a war, and whoever leaves it (suicides) is desertion. Therefore, you need to live on, move forward!
anna2013, age: 30 / 07/20/2013
Dear Albina! I really want to support you, but at the same time help you see that you need a different type of person. Just like he said about you. Believe me. This is visible from the side. And he will. You are suffering, therefore you cannot see it in an elementary rational way, it is as clear as two or two. But everyone is talking about it. This person behaves decently at first glance, but he also does not understand (perhaps he is pursuing his own goals) that such simplicity is worse than a fool: after all, he said that he needed another, broke his heart, what else does he need ??? He visits, look ... Tell him not to come again. And did not tear the remnants of the soul. You are completely on the floor. Well, that's not possible! It is necessary to get a grain of feminine dignity from the reserves and stop these meetings by force! What are you? Is it possible? You can live without another person. You can't live without yourself. And it is impossible without faith. Everything else is nonsense) and is given in due time. She doesn't love anyone. Ha! Everyone said it. Or maybe a person will need your love and he wants to become one with you? Or maybe it will be 10 times more suitable for you? What about compliments? For a woman, this is important, life is made up of little things. And if you heal and fall in love MUTUALLY and FOREVER? And if he WANTS a child from you? And if it was simply not your person? This may be. Do not let your selfishness blind your eyes at the moment! Listen to what people are saying to you!
Alena, age: 31 / 20.07.2013
Dear Albina! I totally understand how you feel right now. Went through all of this. I am your age, no children yet. I will not write much, but I can tell you unequivocally - there is life after parting! No one is worth this kind of suffering. I personally am very sorry for my wasted time on tears, suffering, worries, etc. Moreover, we have no right to destroy our own health. The man you describe, with all his positive qualities, is not an idol, and not an ideal. But an ordinary, and also irresponsible and infantile person. Yes, and God be with him. Do not follow his life, let him live with whomever he wants. He doesn't deserve you. Rejoice that you will not be watching his throwing and other incomprehensible actions. Let him go - and thoughts and heart. You are not already 35, but only 35 - and the family and children are still ahead. God doesn't give us trials that don't make sense and that we can't bear. Our mistake is that we often cling to unworthy people out of a desire for love, a desire to have a family, etc. You need to wait for your man. And for this, for a start - to become yourself again and not dissolve in anyone. Wipe your tears and walk away from this person. Experienced advice - do not continue any friendship with him. In such cases, they do not become friends. For you it will be - masochism. For him - a way to amuse his egoism and assert himself. And don't say you won't love anyone like that anymore. Love - and even more. Man proposes, but God disposes. Just start - with a good attitude towards yourself - eat, walk, relax, meet loved ones, remember your hobbies, take care of your health and appearance. Now it hurts. But... It will pass. Return to yourself. Do not allow despair and despondency. I went through all this exactly the same way. And happy. Everything will be fine. Read this site, come to God, appreciate, love and respect yourself. And then your real full-fledged love will come into your life, and not some man who may not call for several days and not be interested in your life. God bless him, and you rise, look at the world with different eyes, live, rejoice (at first even through force) and be happy! Everything will be fine!
Lana, age: 35 / 07/20/2013
Dear Albina! I'm afraid that you drew a picture in your imagination about this person. It's good that he cares about his parents. But sometimes egoists hide from life behind the back of their parents so much that their whole life goes like this. Forty years have already changed, and my mother serves everything, and often also helps with money. Therefore, judging by your story, your friend is clearly not suitable for the role of a noble hidalgo. It is your imagination that draws it like this. One day, the ex-husband told me in our only conversation about us, when we were trying to figure out the relationship, that I look at life in rose-colored glasses and at him too, but he has changed a long time ago and is not the same as he was. I cried, did not want to believe it, and I can be understood. My love, it seemed to me, saw him at his best, at his best. I did not want to believe in his changes for the worse. And now I understand that I was wrong. This is how I understand love. But love is not blind. She sees very well, and therefore remains a love that trusts and covers. This does not mean that he does not see the negative, but in the negative he tries to dig a pearl. If I loved, I would act like an experienced surgeon with a wish for recovery to the patient and do everything for his own happiness. And I was mumbling with hysteria. Meanwhile, maybe there was a chance to save the family, it was necessary to cut, and I whined and hid from the situation. And you have more "closed eyes". Here he is perfect, and that's it, although he acts obviously meanly. And this friendship of his, as it were, is not just in case in reserve. And what if the girl of your dreams is never found ... It seems to me that you need to cut if you love him and love yourself. Don't give him a chance to screw up. "No, it's not like that, dear. Happy birthday, maybe I'll congratulate you, but there's no need for visits." Oh, if I had your years! You can also build something. My friend got married in her thirties, now she has three children, a good family. But you won’t build it if you don’t cut it off now, because you are still not 17 to fight a duel because of you. "Cavalier with a hint", such as a friend, will scare away any sensible man. Choose.
Vera, age: 43 / 07/20/2013
And you will be fine, Albina :) I understand that my emoticon may seem inappropriate now, but it is. This relationship was not happy for you - you were tormented, doubted, and "but" were from the very beginning. It’s just that you didn’t have the spirit to face the truth, and because of the seemingly correct guidelines - family, children - endured this burden.
So tell yourself now: stop! And take care of yourself. Look for happiness within yourself. You will see, interest in life will appear, in other people. Everything will be fine. Just do not pull on, do not make yourself worse.
Tatyana, age: 40 / 07/20/2013
Albino dear! Maybe my advice will seem "dry", but try not to worsen your condition now. He walks and wanders somewhere, and you are tormented by this strange person and harm yourself first of all. 6 years is a lot of time and he could decide MUCH earlier. Well, not 7 or 8 or God forbid 10 years! It's the hardest thing to put an end to, yes, yes, no, no. He said "no", that's all, let him go on. If he still comes or asks how things are going, then let him clearly know how and why. I would ask every time, what do you want from me? This question is a sign of healthy self-esteem. If you want to be with me, then be, and if not, then roll, decide at least until the end of your life. "Wrong type," he says, strange, very strange! It does not take 6 years to determine a soul mate, he is either a manipulator, or scoffs, or just not a man yet, or all together. Tormenting a loving woman is not a sign of love.
Regarding children - have you thought about adopting or adopting? Quite a real option, and the baby will be happy! You can take several children gradually, and still be a beloved and friendly family. Unlike his abstract "love" which caused him so much pain, you will have REAL LOVE in ACTION. You will be a loving mother! And there will be something to focus on, education, study, you can give your love to a little man who will really appreciate it and be grateful for life! This is true love!
The third option is to turn to God, Who is that same boundless Love, Who will never leave her own. The second and third options are very organic and related to each other!
Happiness to you, Love, Get well!!
Katya, age: 29 / 21.07.2013
Hello!
Thank you very much for your support. You read and it seems a little easier.
But he's really decent, he just doesn't like what to do. He does not need me at all as a backup option. He just worries about my condition, he feels guilty. Even though it's all my own fault.
Came again today. Didn't leave until I opened it. Find yourself a man urgently, he says, you are wasting time, you don’t have him at all. And I will find myself. As if it’s not with me, just someone’s words behind the scenes.
She seemed to have died once more when the door slammed shut behind him.
Albina, age: 35 / 07/21/2013
Good evening Albina!
For some reason, I remembered the words of Chanel: "Genuine happiness is inexpensive: if you have to pay a high price for it, then it's a fake."
From your story, I realized that from the very beginning, your man behaved mysteriously. To your quite natural desire to communicate every day, understandable to any normal person, he replied that he was "not like everyone else." And from what, I wonder, is its "uniqueness" area? Did he save drowning children or carry out a burning house in the hands of disabled old people, did he build the Temple or made at least one person happy? I'm sure not.
You write that he is "Handsome, smart, versatile, athletic, skillful. In addition, it turned out later that he was noble and decent." Did it not occur to you that if this person were such, then the first would follow from the last?
From your story, one gets the impression that your loved one is a rather cold-blooded, prudent and cynical person. Such people always have their own plan in their heads and, carrying it out, they do not think about others. As in the famous book "they broke things and people, and then ran away and hid for their money, their all-consuming carelessness ... leaving others to clean up after them."
I would also like to warn you against "saving" communication with him. Do you really think that he "cuts off your tail piece by piece" out of nobility and concern for you? Well, in that case, my dear, you are not good at understanding people ... And I say this without at all wanting to offend you. It's just that no scoundrel wants to admit it to himself. And then, having committed an obvious betrayal, treason, etc. he begins to play an even more vile game - a game of indulgence and generosity.
Tip of the day: get out of this relationship. "Better an end once than an end without end." If you have health problems, deal with them. Because it really matters.
Now about age. You do not listen to these gasping and gasping gossips, who will put a label on everyone: at thirty "old", at forty "washed", etc. This is all from the category of deep complexes of our society. These conversations are absolutely groundless and destructive. It’s better to think that you still have 20 years before retirement. During this time, you can do a lot of good, useful and significant things! And fill your life with joy and light!
Julia, age: 43 / 07/21/2013
Albinochka! This person betrayed you, he acted treacherously towards you. Yes, he is weak, weak-willed, following the lead of his egoism. We must accept this as a fact. An ordinary child of God, imperfect and not knowing how to live properly, looking for some kind of illusory "happiness". I beg you - have pity on yourself! Love yourself, make a promise in this. You have you: and now more than ever you need support and the most careful handling. Allow yourself this. You'll see, then you'll get a taste, and you won't be able to do it any other way. You are a beautiful young self-sufficient woman. The second halves are in oranges, pop and something else there, as Ranevskaya said. Be aware of yourself as a little girl in dire need of help to be loved, even pampered. Do not listen to anyone, now you are the most important thing. The visits of the young man will only destroy. Stop this immediately!!! And if he insists on "his help" in this situation, threaten him with reprisal, which will not seem enough. Let him offer his services on the side, and in general do anything. He is not your assistant, but vice versa. I know it's hard. All this has passed. My advice: pay attention to yourself. Love with all your heart. It is needed now as the most effective medicine.
Mila, age: 30 / 07/22/2013
Hello Albina! I am writing a response on this site for the first time, although I have been "treated" from love addiction on this site for more than six months. Let's just say, Albina, let's immediately decide that self-pity and despondency are from the evil one, so LIFE is given to us by God for joy. Because everything that happened to us, to you and to me was ALL God's providence! And the meaning of what God gives us is not completely clear to us. And also about what made me write this opus. Your phrase Albina, about the fact that women left with children do not know their happiness ... In my opinion, you simply do not know what you are talking about. Try to re-read everything you wrote and you will understand that the very fact that God did not give you a child conceived in sin, and even from an "unreliable" person, is a manifestation of God's mercy, Albin. Just imagine how you would explain where dad went, why he doesn’t call for several days, why he is so cold with mom and why .. a lot more)) And moreover, your child, seeing all this, would consider everything that happens NORM. I think it would be worse, think Albin, there is a grain of truth in my words. Believe me, you will have a husband and children, and your age is not a hindrance. I have friends who gave birth even later and everything is fine with them. You just need to trust God, because everything is His will! And stop falling into despondency and self-pity so as not to waste your precious life on these empty experiences. Therefore, you yourself, understanding everything, write that we are not so much assistants to you as people who can listen, and even advise something. Albina, get up from your knees before the idol you made and turn to God! Then you yourself will thank him for taking you away from this person in time! And finally, about the fact that you have no one to take care of, love and educate. Go to the volunteers, I don’t even see the point in adopting. Look around and see how many people you can give your love and care to... How many people are even worse than you and they are just as lonely and defenseless... and here it's not you, but you can help them!!! And you will no longer be stopped by the fact of a small village and other conventions, since those who want, are looking for an opportunity, those who do not want, are looking for reasons, Albina. You only have a choice.
I wish you strength of spirit, and unshakable faith in the correctness of God's will! Good luck Albina in your endeavors!
Marina, age: 28 / 22.07.2013
Albina! The horror is not that he is gone. He didn't promise you anything anyway. But what's going on in your head.
"Why live now? Who needs me like this now?"
"I don't know how to live on." What are these thoughts? Albina, don't you represent yourself? Have you all flowed into it? Some psychologist on the site said: "If you associate your happiness with another person, you will not get it." So you were convinced of this. And, in general, a rare family does not go through the betrayal of a spouse. So he left and there was a void. Many women are left alone with their children and also suffer at first. Because children also cannot fill this void completely. And then, after all, over time they will create their own families. Only God can fill the void. Go, Albinochka, to church, confess, take communion. Gradually everything will work out. God knows better what kind of husband you need.
Yuliya, age: 48 / 07/22/2013
Albina, forgive me, but you are toiling from idleness!! An adult woman is already killing herself about something that was not there, but she didn’t promise ... You have such a "grief" that it seems that you have lost your whole family! Are you killing yourself like that? You dream of children, but you have already earned yourself a bunch of sores. It is unlikely that having children from this man, you would experience this situation less painfully. Are you crazy???? Start up, what kind of disrespect for yourself ?? There was nothing ... what could be so grieve!!!
Victoria, age: 38 / 07/22/2013
How much I cried, asked him to come back, start all over again. I thought I would not survive, I lost weight to the state of the skeleton. And he was also very noble, he called every week, asking how I felt. I gained strength and broke everything, got divorced. And as soon as I put an end to it, it became easier for me, I took care of myself, began to go to the gym, go to rest. And he suddenly appears, but he did not come to me, but to my friend, began to tell her that he loves me and cannot live without me. After that, I realized what he is still an egoist! And I became so ashamed of myself, for wasting time on self-destruction. I understand that I am so smart, beautiful, all the best is ahead of me and even without it (and this is for the best). So you do not waste time on it, then you will also be ashamed! The sooner you get up off your knees, the sooner you will learn to live without it. And I'm sure you're just getting started! Do not doubt yourself, say nice words to yourself every day and you will soon begin to believe in it yourself!
Ekaterina, age: 25 / 25.07.2013
It's not all that scary!
Pray to God to give you comfort. And believe He will help.
You fixated on the person, and pushed yourself aside. You are the same person as everyone else, and therefore you need to check yourself out. Turn your attention to yourself.
The first thing I would advise you to do (along with prayers, communication with God) is to force yourself not to think about him and walk a lot.
Imagine that you are sick and this is the medicine you have to take. Go ahead. I believe in you and love you. You are not alone. I will pray for you every day for a whole month. During this time, try to come to your senses and write on the site how things are going for you. I will be interested.
P.S. And color your hair!!! Are you a woman)
gopaska, age: 30 / 26.07.2013
Hello!
Thank you all again. They asked me to write how you are doing. I don’t know ... It seems that for several days I walked more or less normally. "Tomorrow" postponed all sorrows. I take care of myself, of course. And then a simple SMS from him "how are you." After that, everything is new.
Questions “why am I like this”, “why is life like this”, and such a strong fear of loneliness, how to deal with it.
Write, please, who can, scold me or something, I really need support. Weak and unsuccessful. It all dragged on like it was never going to end.
Albina, age: 35 / 08/03/2013
Albina! From the letter it is felt that you are a good and kind person, so you see the same people you treat well. Believe me, you have already been told about this, that this young man is simply using you in some of his own interests. Change your phone number and forbid him to come, otherwise it will not be easier for you. He will come and demand to let him in, drive him away, say that you do not want to see him. My BM also demanded to be friends with him, wanted to be aware of my life. At first, by inertia, I kept in touch with him, but it only got worse. Then I nevertheless gained strength and drove him away, he got angry, tried to put pressure on the psyche: if I were a good person, I forgave and talked with him, and since I drive him away, I’m angry and bad. As long as you take it, it feels good and noble. And if you stop talking to him, it turns out that he is not so decent. He is simply fueled by your energy, he needs your feelings about him. His concern is not sincere, if he wished you well, he would leave you alone. To begin to calm down, you need to put a firm end to these relations. And stop blaming yourself, your condition is adequate to the situation. At first I also thought that if I had a child, it would be easier for me. Now I understand that it is better not to have children from such men. They, like unnecessary ballast, will drag behind us, so as not to let us live an independent life without them. Emptiness and fear will pass, any state of a person changes over time. Trust me, it won't always be as hard as it is now. These relationships have become a habit, you will wean for a long time. Over time, the attitude towards this person and the situation in general will change, you will perceive less and less emotionally. You will see, in a year you will feel much calmer! Everything will get better, there will be other people in your life worthy of your love.
Vekcha, age: 35 / 08/05/2013
Hello albino!
Hold on!!! How fate will turn out, no one knows ...
Live freely and don't be afraid of change...
When the Lord takes something away, don't miss out on what he gives in return!
Relief will come, ask for help from our Lord, he always helps his children, go to church, talk with the priest, confess and take communion and you will feel relief (even if not the first time, but it will be)
God bless you!
Lyudmila, age: 52 / 08/06/2013
Albina! You can't be discouraged! My situation is almost the same, only I'm 37, and he was "my last hope" ... Hope to realize myself as a wife and MOTHER. He left - I still love, I don’t understand ... And I know your biggest fear (he is the same as mine) - loneliness until the end of my days ... My peers send their children to college, and I haven’t even given birth yet ... It's scary, I'm more worthy of them ... Are your thoughts the same? So, for myself, I decided: there are two ways out - to go into the void (suffering, torturing yourself, alcohol) or "come to your senses", a bicycle, beauty salons, the joy of communicating with loved ones ... We can give them so much joy! !! And the main rule: If God does this, then it's for the best! Is always!
So... If on my way I don't meet ONE who can become a husband and father... I will try my best to make this world a better place! (and still I will hope that I will have time to become a beloved wife and mother) Move! Live! Give joy!
168 wonders, age: 37 / 08/20/2013
Albino, how are you? I sincerely believe that you will survive. You are not alone. I worry about you and as promised I pray.
gopaska, age: 30 / 08/24/2013
Previous request Next request
I recently had an unfortunate affair with a boyfriend of a friend's husband. We did not meet for long, the young man behaved ugly: having lost interest in me, he simply disappeared. I wrote to him on social networks asking for an explanation, but he answered briefly and casually. I was greatly hurt by the attitude towards myself as a used thing. I told my friend about this, but it seemed to me that she did not see anything terrible in his act. It upsets me. I feel that I have been treated low and I need support. I'd like to discuss this with a friend, but I don't want to turn her against this young man.
Yanina, 27 years old
Really it is not necessary to adjust the girlfriend with the husband against their acquaintance. They will be able to understand from their own experience what kind of person he is. They introduced you but are not responsible for your relationship. Try to focus on your feelings: a short romance that didn't develop didn't have to leave a negative mark on the soul. At the beginning, relationships are always very fragile, and their development depends on whether there is enough mutual interest. Both of you need to be willing to invest more energy, emotion, and time in them.
Obviously, you failed to move to a closer level of relationship. It can be quite frustrating if you've opened up more than he has. Perhaps the very situation of acquaintance gave false hopes: since this is a person of your circle, you expected more from him than from a random stranger. You are hurt and hurt that the relationship did not work out. It is unpleasant when a person suddenly interrupts communication.
Try to understand what in the behavior of the young man from the very beginning indicated the impossibility of developing a relationship. Try to incorporate this experience into your interactions with others. If you find it difficult to deal with strong emotions, you can write him a detailed letter, telling him about your feelings. It is not necessary to send a letter. Writing text often helps to better understand your own experiences.
