What to do if the husband does not help around the house? Tips from a family psychologist Angelina Lazarenko The husband does not help around the house what to do.

You will be surprised, but most women have complaints about their husbands because they do not support them and do not help to lead a life. After all, this is far from simple and extremely troublesome. Women complain about their husbands anonymously on forums, someone prefers to pour out their hearts to a friend, mother, or even colleagues at work. However, such conversations are unlikely to help change the situation. If a woman wants to convince her husband to take an active part in household matters or raising children, she must act cunningly.

Why the husband does not help his wife: the main reasons

So, why does the stronger sex shy away from doing household chores, preferring to put it on the fragile shoulders of the wife? If we discard the laziness inherent in many men, then we can distinguish the following reasons for unwillingness to help:

• Learn to share responsibilities into "male" and "female". This happens if a man grew up in a family where his mother was an uncomplaining slave, while the main, only task of the father was to provide the family with money.
• Grew up in an incomplete family. If a man was brought up only by his mother, then for sure she “pulled” everything on herself all her life, without perplexing her son with everyday problems, because he already has a difficult life.
• Doesn't want to look like a "henpecked". Sometimes, a man ignores household chores, because he believes that because of this, friends, brothers or father will brand him a weakling.
• The wife told her husband that she could handle everything herself. It happens that at the initial stage of a relationship, a woman, trying to impress her husband, takes on all the housework herself: she maintains cleanliness, looks after her husband’s clothes (washes, irons), cooks dishes, and even manages to work and look great. A man gets used to this state of affairs, not wanting to change anything.

As you can see, husbands do not help women because of those around them, because of the fault of their parents, or because of the mistakes of the wives themselves.

Should a husband help his wife around the house?

The answer is unequivocal - yes, it should. The family is a team in which everyone responsibilities should be shared equally. If only one of the spouses is engaged in everyday life, and the second simply uses it, there can be no talk of any harmony in a pair.

Sooner or later, the fatigue of one partner will become a catalyst for divorce. Everything will start with claims, quarrels, squabbles, scandals, and end with the breakup of the family. If the spouses do not divorce, then the woman will have to live in constant stress, languish from fatigue and accumulate resentment.

Husband doesn't help with baby at all

It just so happened that in our society the care of children falls solely on women's shoulders. Sometimes grandmothers can help. This is wrong, because a small person needs the care of both parents. Especially when you consider that the mother and child already have a strong bond, while the father has to do a lot of work to establish contact with a new family member. It is the care of the father for the newborn that will help to “build bridges” correctly, to establish a connection, awakening paternal instincts in a man.

With the advent of a child in the house, the mother develops unconditional love for him. Fathers, on the other hand, can experience a gamut of very different feelings - from joy to coldness and detachment.

A woman should carefully involve a man in caring for a child from the first weeks of a baby's life. This is very important, because it is care that will be the first step for a man to realize the responsibility of what is happening. If this stage is passed, then later it will become easier for him to connect to the process of education.

A man may refuse to help take care of a child, because of the banal fear of harming a small person, doing something wrong. A woman should always be close to her husband, insure, give advice and inspire confidence that he is doing everything right.

How to teach a husband to help with the housework: psychology

Any psychologist will tell you that you need to negotiate "on the shore." That is, it would be nice to distribute roles and responsibilities in the family even before marriage. For example, a husband always takes out the garbage, since it is not worthwhile for a beautiful wife to defile to garbage cans, and for this, after a hard day, a man is supposed to have a delicious dinner, do shopping and clean up together. Your task is to distribute responsibilities without reference to the concept of "male" and "female", but trying to make both partners feel comfortable in a relationship. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. What to do if the moment is missed and the man ignores household chores? In this case, a woman should act to connect her trick:

• Praise and motivation. A wife should train herself to notice even the slightest help of her husband and always mark it with praise. So in the head of a man a causal relationship will be formed that he will definitely receive a pleasant bonus for his useful deeds. This will encourage him to do even more. Husband vacuumed - praise, washed dishes for the whole family after dinner - thank you at night, washed - earned an evening with friends with a glass of beer, without reproach.
• Compromises. Just imagine, the spouse assures you that he simply does not know how to hammer nails, is not able to wash the floors, stick wallpaper, repair the toilet. Well, don't try to take it all on yourself. Try to offer him a compromise, if you can’t do it yourself, hire workers, buy new equipment. You will see that after a short mental operation, a man will come to the conclusion that it is much cheaper and easier to start fussing on his own.
• Argumentation. Men are very logical creatures, so sometimes, women's requests to help them around the house are perceived as ordinary whims. A wise woman should not just ask her husband to get involved in household chores, but correctly argue her request. Proper argumentation will help you quickly "get through" to the faithful.

What to do if a man does not help at all

If your husband has completely abstracted from everyday life, deciding that you should deal with absolutely everything, then compromises, arguments and motivation may be useless. Well, what kind of encouragement and praise can there be if he does nothing, from the word “absolutely”. In this case, again appeal to male logic and pragmatism. Try to make a clear schedule for him for the week, asking him to follow this plan as a work schedule, that is, a must. Each item completed and crossed off the list will be associated with a solved task. This approach is accepted and understood much faster than requests, tears, reproaches, scandals.

The husband does not help with the child and household chores: the family is collapsing?

In fact, a family can exist in a regime where all domestic issues are handled exclusively by a woman. However, how happy and harmonious this union will be is a very big question ...

In any family, each of the spouses has their own specific responsibilities, which usually arise somehow automatically.

A woman almost immediately begins to engage in, for example, cooking, and a man throws out garbage in the morning. But sometimes the division of these responsibilities does not suit everyone.

Very often, the wife begins to feel that too much is hanging on her and it turns out to be difficult to cope with this. At the same time, she is waiting for help from her man, but does not receive it. Because of this, discontent is accumulating, which can then develop into a serious scandal.

Why does the husband not participate in the household?

Men are absolutely sincerely sure that they are the head of the family, and their main task is to earn money. Therefore, as a rule, they do not pay attention to all other duties that may exist.

The breadwinner comes home and expects that everything around will shine with cleanliness, and there will be a delicious dinner on the table. At the same time, he does not think about how much time and effort his wife spent on it.

At first, it is pleasant for a woman to take care of her man, and she herself takes on a mountain of responsibilities in order to make her chosen one pleased.

This alignment suits everyone at first, but later it becomes obvious that the wife cannot constantly drag everything on herself and she really wants help from her husband. However, she does not receive support.

Much also depends on the model of the family in which the man grew up. If his father never helped his mother in anything, then the man will not do this either, because this was not accepted by his parents.

How to encourage a man to help with the housework?

• No need to silently wait for a man to come home from work one day or get up on a day off and immediately pick up a vacuum cleaner to start cleaning.
• If help is required from a loved one, then you need to talk about it, and not hope that sooner or later he himself will come to this. It will not come, and this has already been proven by time! Yes, and the man is satisfied with everything. Why would he want to change things?
• You need to start a conversation not with hysteria and screams about how tired the woman is and how tired she is of everything, but with a calm explanation. It is necessary to make it clear to the chosen one why it became difficult, and what exactly his help is needed.

If the conversation is built correctly and without pretensions, then the man will not only not resist, but, on the contrary, will gladly do it.

After all, the most important thing for him is happiness in the eyes of his beloved woman and her good mood.

Everything is fine in your family, everything is clean, tidy, comfortable. But that's all - your handiwork, the spouse did not participate here at all. And you are already tired of such "non-intervention". There are three things that will bring equality back to your family.

The habit of a spouse to refer to "not a man's" business can charge you with all the chores around the house and raising children. But such an argument is no longer convincing - men no longer run after mammoths and do not fight with each other. Times have changed, and you need to take care of yourself. Therefore, it's time to shame the lazy person and force you to release you from the burden of some household chores. The following three steps will help you with this.

Use his "male brain"

Start with a clear statement of the problem and justification of the reasons, thereby referring to his logic - this is how men build their actions, remember this. Tell how difficult it is for you, there is not enough time, and ask for help with the housework. Build a clear and consistent chain of why you need help. And if you do it calmly and convincingly, he will definitely respond.

But try not to order, but to ask. Imperative appeal causes resistance in men, because it hurts male pride. Use neutral phrases, adding a note of plaintiveness to them: “please help with the dishes”, “could you start the washing machine”, “fetch the children to the kindergarten, be so kind.” Well, or just don’t scream during requests, remember about his “masculinity”.

Use another innate feature inherent in the male sex - the thirst for freedom and defiance. How exactly? Let him choose the task that needs to be done around the house. The fact that he himself decides what to do will allow him not to resist help around the house, and he will do it with all his diligence.

Stimulate with positive reinforcement and scare with negative

Explain what threatens him with your fatigue from all household chores. Colorfully describe what state you will be in if you again have to do everything alone, and what he will not receive. And then tell him what good he can get if he deigns to help you. Again, use his male direct logic, but with hints of motivation.

Encourage all his success in housework with positive reinforcement - this is a basic technique for developing the right behavior, which is worth adopting for solving many problems. Vacuumed the rooms - kiss, took out the garbage - stroke your neck and say a compliment, cleaned the bed - hug and kiss. And so with every action that satisfies you.

If he still tries to evade doing chores, then again use reinforcement, but this time negative. Say straight out that you will no longer wash dishes and look after the children, and he will have to start earning more to buy a dishwasher and pay for a babysitter. Such stimulation will not be to the liking of many men: rarely does anyone agree to additional expenses if they can be avoided. Again male logic in action. Therefore, he will probably stop shirking and start helping you around the house.

Divide the responsibilities

When your husband begins to help you almost without reminders, sit down at the negotiating table and distribute all the responsibilities around the house. Write everything down and divide it equally and according to your capabilities, you can even draw up a schedule and hang it in a conspicuous place so that there is no desire not to fulfill them sometimes due to forgetfulness. Fix the distributed responsibilities in his mind, let him feel responsible for them. This does not hurt his male pride in any way, it is simply the most optimal and fair solution to a family problem. Reinforce the agreement with something good, for example, go to the cinema or a restaurant.

Many women complain about the lack of any help around the house from their husbands. And the wife alone has to do a lot of household chores, while her faithful finds another reason for refusing. What to do if the husband does not help around the house and is it possible to involve him in housekeeping?

If you turn to your man for help over and over again, and “things are still there,” be sure that you are being manipulated. Consider the three most common types of manipulative husbands and learn how to deal with them:

Men are well aware that women are greedy for compliments and use it shamelessly. Even in childhood, begging their mother for an extraordinary candy or car, many of them understand that the words: “Mom, you are my best, I love you so much!” - work wonders.
In adulthood, they remain - they do not skimp on compliments about how the wife cooks well, washes the floor, hammers nails ...

And damn it, it works! Husbands continue to stay away from household chores, and women - inspired by compliments, with an even greater sense of pride and inner satisfaction, continue to work alone for the good of the family.

What to do?

• the husband does not help around the house - do not hesitate to master the role of "switchman". When he turns the arrows on you, return them back to him. Take another compliment on your amazing housekeeping, like, thank you, I really fry potatoes mind-blowingly, but you do it just as well - please cook it for dinner tonight YOU.
• Another method is the illusion of choice. Ask what is more convenient and easier for him to do now - go grocery shopping or wash the floor? Freedom of choice, albeit imaginary, will not hurt his male pride so much.

2. Manipulator - loser

A common life situation is when a wife asks her husband to vacuum the floors, but after “cleaning” him, he finds dust behind the nightstand or under the bed. What does a woman do? Cursing, she redoes everything herself, noticing along the way that she cannot be trusted with anything. And the man is just waiting for this: “If you don’t like it, do it yourself!”

Another kind of similar behavior - the husband does not refuse directly, but postpones everything for later. As a result, after a month and a half of constant reminders and expectations, the woman herself takes up the repair of the crooked cabinet door.

What to do?

• let your husband understand that you do not have to control everything in the world and. Moreover, you can do something wrong. For example, three weeks my husband does not get around to repairing the faucet in the bathroom. Start repairing the crane with him, not forgetting to fill up with questions “what and how” - a rare man will withstand such a test and, in the end, will do it himself!
• an important point - praise him for all economic impulses, without focusing on minor flaws. He is your knight and savior, and everything else will come with experience.

3. Manipulator - simulator

A man comes home from work, and responds to any request from his wife for help that he is tired and completely powerless - familiar? Many women encourage such behavior and take on all the housework: “Poor thing, he is so tired, let him rest, but somehow I myself ...”

Of course, we are all people and it happens to everyone that there is an emergency at work, but if “I'm tired, I can't do anything” wanders from day to day, it's worth considering.

What to do?

• do not try to become a helpful mother for your husband. Remember! you build relationships on an equal footing, like two adult responsible people.
• “mirror” the husband’s behavior, because, as you know, you can’t see a log in your own eye. Husband does not help around the house during the week and is going to spend the whole weekend on the couch? Great, then keep him company! Say that you, too, are tired of the week - to rest is to rest.
  Perhaps this will spur him on and he will offer you, for example, to cook dinner together. Do not refuse his help in anything, because joint activities have a great effect on relationships, and a man feels more needed and significant.

How to teach your husband to work at home? Women's tricks with real life examples

We hope that our useful tips will help you and you will finally find male help in household chores!

Good afternoon!
Oh, obviously, in your family, of course, there was a sharp division of responsibilities into “male” and “female”. Moreover, “female” means cleaning, cooking, washing, etc., that is, taking care of the family hearth, coziness, comfort in all its senses. And for men - this is the extraction of funds (if possible) and the preservation of strength in case of "what if there is a war" :))
But, in fact, you can analyze the situation a little deeper and see that your husband simply does not have the skill of caring for himself in everyday life, and even more so, for someone else (for example, for you). And this is half the trouble, since you could “instill” (provoke) this skill in him with your own requests, quarrels, notes, etc. But the “complete trouble” is that your husband does not have independent decision-making skills either.
I assume that your husband was brought up in a hyper-custody system (on the mother’s side), when all decisions were made either for him, or for him, and were made, or simply given instructions on what and how he needs to do. And this system (no matter how strange it sounds) leads to the formation of good "performers" both in the profession and in the family, but not leaders (when you need to control, analyze, set tasks and do it).
Such people are able to adapt to different living conditions, and to unwashed dishes too, but in their thinking such a link as “task / goal” (the house should be clean) falls out of focus. Nobody taught them to set tasks on their own. After all, they were always put by mom.
“Is it really necessary to write notes “clean, wash, buy”, is it really necessary to talk and quarrel over obvious things?”
Yes it is. You need to write notes because of things that are obvious to YOU, but not obvious to him. “The dishes will not disappear from the sink until you wash them ..”, this is true, but there is no ability to make an independent decision that “it needs to be washed for me and right now, and why.” There is a skill of waiting for instructions (at best).
“But why should I praise if no one praises or pities me when I come and put everything in order until nightfall, so that everyone is comfortable and comfortable?”
You are not praised or pitied, obviously because they do not try to instill in you new forms of behavior and reinforce them. Praise, compliments, rewards - there are ways to support the "necessary" behavior in any person and consolidate it.
"What kind of injustice is that?"
I believe that this injustice is a consequence of different systems of education in parental families.
And if you want to get some new, unusual qualities from your husband (and you must understand that independence and self-service are not characteristic of him), then you first need to form them with him. And this is a process, it takes time, patience and method. It is foolish to think that after living in the all-inclusive system for many years, a person will suddenly, on his own, even after quarrels and instructions, begin to be able to do something (!) ... no matter what incentives you create for him :)) Skills and abilities are formed in his head (based on repetitions), and his brain, unfortunately, does not yet have the habit of even thinking in the way you think. Therefore, I recommend starting to eliminate the gaps in education from the stage at which they arose, and this is 3-5 years, I think ... and begin to pronounce in detail (create “multiple repetitions”) what YOU think about when you see dirty dishes (should be clean - the dishes need to be washed - you need to turn on the water, take a sponge, detergent, etc.), and explain this to your husband in the same detail. This will form first automatic thinking (the habit of thinking"), and then the practical implementation of tasks.
Good luck! MG.

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