Rubric “Psychology of relations. Is it possible to quickly cope and survive a divorce

How to recover after a divorce? This question is asked by many men and women who have experienced divorce for various reasons. Divorce is a very common occurrence in the modern world, and it is important to choose the right tactics of behavior in such situations, although it is impossible to predict further events after a divorce. It is better to immediately clarify for yourself how to live on and how to prevent such a situation from happening again in the future.

Divorce can be prevented by giving each other another chance. At the same time, it is important for the couple to feel their responsibility for this, the desire to restore everything. It is worth restoring relations only when both the man and the woman want to save the family, are ready to make compromises, changes.

Each couple has its own story, but there are some common principles for everyone. What should be taken into account?

• Do not blame yourself for the breakup of relations with only one partner. In such situations, both are to blame. When filing for divorce, realize that the relationship can no longer be saved.
• Give yourself a chance to make a difference. It should not be an emotional decision that you will later regret. By choosing the right tactics, you will be able to avoid the heartache of divorce.
• If the decision to divorce is made, do not withdraw into yourself. You need to be ready for further moral "healing". If you cannot do this on your own, contact a psychologist.
• In order to prevent such a mistake in the future (after a divorce), you need to not only seriously approach the search for a future partner, but also rethink your behavior and requirements. Think over all the mistakes that were in the first marriage, and try not to make them in the future.
• Forgive and let go. This is not easy to do, because in most cases nothing good about the ex-husband (wife) comes to mind. This does not mean restoring communication or trust. This is done on a subconscious level, although some forgive only after years.

Recovery phases that women and men go through after a divorce

To recover and survive adversity, women and most men need to go through several stages.

Women are more emotional and can experience these phases much longer than men. Their condition is often characterized by stress. Although men are no less morally affected by divorce: they are just used to keeping all the pain and emotions in themselves.

To determine the condition that indicates depression after a divorce, psychologists recommend paying attention to some factors.

The participants in the divorce begin to feel sorry for themselves, they are at a loss, they do not know what to do next, they do not take any action. They can ask themselves the question: “Why do I have such grief?”, Experience and express their hatred for the former second half. There is a desire to quickly take revenge, and even minor grievances and claims pop up in my head.

A man who is depressed after a divorce repeatedly declares that he will cope with everything on his own and show what he is capable of. On the one hand, such a desire is positive, but often all actions are performed out of spite. The result is unjustified effort and wasted time, which will lead to new stress.

How to restore your personality after breaking up with your husband?

Tips to help you recover and not “wither” after a divorce:

• Do not hold back sadness, anger and tears (especially for women). If you throw out all the emotions that have accumulated after the divorce, relief will come to your soul. If you hold back emotions in yourself, sooner or later you can earn at least a nervous breakdown.
• Do not forget about family and friends after a divorce. It will be useful for you to communicate with them, to hear their opinion on the situation. If the topic of divorce is taboo, then there is always something to talk about. This is an occasion to unwind and muffle the pain for a while.
• If the decision to divorce is irrevocable, do not look for meetings or conversations with an ex-man. They can end with a mass of negative emotions, new experiences, memories of the divorce process itself.
• Do not drink and do not seize grief from a divorce. Such a step will radically change life, not for the better. It is better to find a hobby and completely immerse yourself in it. Hobbies will become part of a kind of therapy. You can make repairs that were planned for a long time, but your hands never reached it, or just a rearrangement, go to rest.
• Contact a psychologist. It is desirable to do this when, after a divorce, there is insomnia, constant anxiety, a long-term problem with appetite, and headaches. Sometimes psychologists are the only right way out after the separation of a man and a woman.
• Become a protection and a reliable friend for. Tell them in a calm tone about the situation. At the same time, you do not need to say bad things about their father (mother). It will not be any easier for them: the children will be left not only without additional finances, but also without a father's shoulder. It is very good when both the child and the father want to meet and spend time together. No matter how difficult it is, but you need to realize that if the father and the child have a desire to meet, then they should do it. Moreover, this can also be a help for a woman: you can distribute the days when dad takes the children to circles, picks up from school, plays (especially if mom does not have a very convenient work schedule). Psychologists advise children to talk about divorce delicately, having considered all the details of the conversation before that. They should be given special attention, because it is the child who will become your comfort, support and a ray of sunshine in your life in the future.
• Do not dwell on the past, divorce, realize that this cannot be changed and you need to make plans for the future and implement them. Do not refuse meetings and walks with friends and family, do not reject their proposals for joint holidays. "Coming out" will only benefit. But do not overdo it with noisy parties and discos. This will help to distract from the divorce only the first time.
• Do not equate all men "one size fits all". Distrust of the male sex in women after a divorce is a common occurrence. Especially if the reason for the breakup is. Most ladies build new relationships over time, and trust in a new relationship will play a key role. You should never equate a new man with the former and his actions. So you can sink in his eyes. Remember: new man, new happiness, new life.
• Visit a beauty salon and please yourself with different procedures, good cosmetics, change your hairstyle. In extreme cases, you can risk a radical change in style. No matter how long this period lasts, you should not forget about your irresistibility. And to keep your skin in good shape and figure in order, you can sign up for fitness classes.
• Do not build illusions about the return of the ex-husband. Many women, and even men, after a time of independent living, try to forgive everything and return the relationship. This desire is very strong. But in most cases, it does not lead to anything good. An exception may be if the longing and desire to be together again does not pass even after 6-12 months. In this case, the decision to restore relations should be mutual.
• Psychologists do not recommend starting a new relationship immediately after breaking up (if the new man was not “prepared” in advance). You need to recover mentally after a divorce. This applies to both women and men, who will transfer all the sins of a previous marriage to a new passion.
• In order to quickly restore your state of mind, do not forget about healthy, full sleep and a balanced diet. Forgetting about these factors, plunging into stress, you can specifically spoil your health.

In such situations, the position of a man is especially important, who should think, first of all, about financial assistance for his ex-wife (if there are common children). In such cases, it is necessary to soberly discuss the wife’s living with children and helping them. Whatever the position of a man, a woman must remain calm. No scandals or tantrums can change the situation.

But a woman must also understand that it is impossible to lay all the financial responsibility for providing for children on her ex-husband.

Grief and loss from divorce only provoke stress at first. Recovering and surviving the period after a divorce is difficult, but possible. One has only to gather all his strength and forget about weaknesses. Don't give up on yourself. It must be remembered that divorce is not only the end of marriage and family happiness, but also a chance to build a new life, to acquire new happiness. Most women, having gone through this difficult period, remember it with a smile and quite calmly.

In addition, after a few years, many women regret only one thing: that they did not decide to get a divorce earlier, but only spent precious time and nerves on a marriage that was doomed.

The article was checked by a special psychologist Gryzlova Olga Yurievna

Divorce is a difficult topic, even if both voluntarily and consciously decided on it. It is always unpleasant and painful. Rarely, when both partners are happy after such a case. And if the couple also had children, then the echo of the divorce will come back to haunt the squeeze inside for a long time to come.

Some couples are so attached to each other by their fears and expectations, feelings of guilt and resentment, claims and unhealthy responsibility that their divorce is delayed for several years. And now they live with each other, accumulating more and more negative emotions, increasing tension, so that when they eventually get divorced, they no longer experience happiness, but feel great fatigue, both physical and emotional.

Or one partner wants to leave, is already ready, but the other is not ready, still loves (or just very attached), suffers from the upcoming separation and asks for a second (third, fifth or tenth) chance. Tension is also accumulating in both, destructive emotions are accumulating.

It doesn't matter how you break up. It is always stress and anxiety about the future. This is a blow to self-esteem and self-confidence for many. And you need to somehow survive and recover after that.

We always live in relationships. Meeting, acquaintance, interest in each other and falling in love. Deepening relationships and passion, fusion. Conflict of interest, misunderstanding, quarrels. Parting, breakup, separation. And the last phase is loneliness. Of course, after the conflict, it is not necessary to leave, but you can deepen the relationship. I will immediately write about parting and loneliness, when the conflict revealed the impossibility of being together for any reason.

So, you still broke up. You feel squeezed, empty inside. You are tormented by resentment or guilt, claims and anger. Doubts and a lot of questions “why” torment. Your self-confidence and faith in Love has been shaken. I want you to be hugged, sorry, told that everything will be fine. I would like the wizard to come, wave his wand, and everything will work out for you both in your heart and in your relationship. Or you don't want anything at all. I want to be left alone, to hide from everyone, so as not to be touched.

What should be done to feel the ground under your feet, to return peace and happiness, confidence in yourself, in your abilities? How to survive all this, let go and remain whole (whole), so that the heart would be light and free, ready to Love and give Love?

First of all, I will say that neither alcohol, nor a new (urgent) relationship, nor a double dose of entertainment or a triple dose of work will help, but will only postpone the living of all the accumulated burden of emotions to a later date. So you just suppress all the pain in yourself, hide it from yourself. And then it will get even worse.

The first thing to do is We go through this in detail at the FALL IN LOVE AGAIN marathon. But in short, you need to forgive your partner and yourself. You need to cry, sob and accept the situation as it is. Accept yourself and the one with whom you parted. Stop winding up and aggravating your condition with thoughts about him (her), reasoning on the topic “what else could it be” or “here I am a loser (loser)”, or “what a goat he is (what a bitch she is)”, etc. . Stop judging him (her) or yourself. Stop asking why this happened to me. To accept the situation means to relax in what is and begin to see the resourcefulness of one's position.

Second, since you are left alone, it means Give yourself all your attention. And this is the most positive thing that can only be! Until you return to yourself, you should not go into a new relationship. Until you are filled, you simply have nothing to give in a new relationship. And you can confuse the desire to consume (to be loved and given to you) with Love, and again step on the same rake.

You have probably seen this picture before. This is especially common among women. While she was married, she was a gray mouse, confused and indistinct. As soon as she got divorced - she got prettier and younger, and even built - she simply became a star. Take care of yourself. But not for the sake of a new relationship, which is sure to be. And for their own sake. If you have not had such an experience as loneliness (not to be confused with loneliness), then you will see that you have more time for yourself, for self-development. Your attention energy is now distributed more harmoniously, as it is not spent on a lot of things that you cared about when you were in a relationship. You will even feel the lightness of freedom.

Oddly enough, but problems in relationships help people to know themselves, open up, start creating, and even embark on a spiritual path. So take advantage of this resource while you can. This is part of recovery and gaining self-confidence. While we are closed on each other, on relationships (especially if they are conflicting), we spend a lot of energy on maintaining this system, and there is no time and energy left for self-knowledge and self-development. Especially if the theme of competition and jealousy is strong in a couple. In such relationships, it is difficult to blossom and open up. Left alone, you can finally examine yourself, your inner world carefully. Determine what you are really interested in, what really pleases you and what, exactly, you want. And most importantly, answer the question: “Who are you?” and "What are you for?"

Here, self-confidence does not depend on the presence of a partner nearby, it is acquired as you find yourself. And it's worth it!

Recovery begins with the fact that we relax, and ends with a feeling of Love, which does not depend on anything. And it would be nice to understand and experience this firsthand before jumping into a new relationship. Your new relationship will be the way you come into it. If you come empty, with a load of expectations and claims, with a desire to consume and that you would be filled, with a load of grievances, then the relationship will be like that. And if you come filled with Love and the desire to share free of charge and increase Love in your heart, then the relationship will be Loving and complete.

how to survive a divorcewith the least emotional loss and in what ways possible quickly and effectivelyrecoverduring this difficult period.

Despite the fact that the rupture of relations does not happen at once, but lasts for months and even years, not everyone succeeds in preparing for it and not always. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to predict in advance how this event will affect your life. Therefore, it is necessary to look for the optimal way out of a difficult situation after the fact.

Is it possible to deal with a divorce quickly?

What conditions indicate stress after a divorce?

Three such states can be conditionally distinguished, and their figurative characteristics are approximately as follows: continue reading

1. “Why am I so sad?!” It is dominated by self-pity, confusion, helplessness, inaction, fears of the future, perhaps the onset of depression, thoughts that you don’t want to live. It is this condition that reinforces the widespread belief that it is much more difficult for a woman to survive a divorce than for a man. But the point is that women are much easier to take out their experiences, and men try to remain persistent, hiding all the bitterness after a divorce inside.

2. "How I hate you !!!" This is the peak of exacerbation of all negative feelings about a partner. Everything pops up in my memory, starting with minor grievances and claims and ending with burning anger and a desire for revenge. Someone allows himself to pour out all this bile around, not embarrassed and not caring about the consequences, someone tries to show decency and stifles all negative thoughts in himself. We will talk about how to find the "golden mean" below click .

http://rosiemccaffreys.com/map192 3. "You'll see, everything will work out for me without you!" In a sense, this state is more progressive than the previous two. It activates the internal forces of a person, turns life into a new direction, mobilizes both men and women. But there is also a downside to this state of affairs. Vigorous activity in spite of someone often turns out to be not a joy to the person himself. In excitement, he wastes too much energy, makes unjustified efforts, and then suddenly comes the realization that all this was empty and alien. Thus, a new stress is added to the stress after a divorce, caused by a sense of lost time, ineffectiveness of actions, dissatisfaction and even more disappointment.

This is how the picture emerges. Of course, in life it will not be possible to draw clear boundaries of these states, but knowing them will help you better understand yourself in a difficult period, more meaningfully direct your life towards effective rehabilitation after a divorce and avoid depression.

Now let's talk more about how to avoid depression after a divorce by concentrating on the right forms of behavior and meaningfully experiencing each state.

What are some ways to help you recover after a divorce?

I think that in difficult life situations you often heard from close people a wish to calm down, not to worry, not to attach great importance to what happened. Sometimes this is really good advice. But to think that going through a divorce will be easier without acknowledging your feelings, without thinking about what happened, without giving vent to painful emotions, is a big delusion.

First and foremost - allow yourself to experience the divorce in full force with all the feelings that accompany it. What does it mean? Cry as much as you want, talk about what hurts, mope and act up if necessary. Perhaps someone will now decide that it is impossible to become so limp, that it is necessary to “keep up the mark”, otherwise such weakness will inevitably lead to depression ...

It should be remembered that according to the laws of the structure of the world, any action causes a reaction. This means that the more violently a person tries to cope with a divorce, the more difficult the process of its recovery is. Therefore, it is much more effective to notice your feelings, give them the right names, and live by observing internal changes. Then the recovery process is much faster.

For example When you find yourself feeling very sad, say to yourself: Now I am very sad, I do not want to see anyone, I am so bitter and lonely, and I allow my sadness to be with me for a few more minutes ... or a few days". It seems a trifle, but very soon your mood will begin to change, and the company of people will no longer seem so burdensome. Yes, and your sadness will know exactly how much you intend to be in its power.

If you understand me correctly, I am saying that you should not go with the flow, helplessly plunging into the ocean of your experiences, just as you should not put on the mask of a happy person, trying to adequately cope with the consequences of a divorce. Be natural and attentive to yourself during this period. And it doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman, you are a living person who has found himself in a painful situation. Pretending that the door to the past has immediately slammed shut and everything is fine with you is pointless, so just help yourself calm down and get through the divorce as soon as possible.

Second, no less important - allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself if you feel that you really need it now, but your strength is not enough. But first, clearly define from whom at the moment you can take such care. Yes, yes, it’s definitely not worth crying about your fate in front of everyone you meet, but complaining about the injustice of the world is sometimes very useful. Therefore, trust your pain to those who can sincerely support or simply listen calmly.

Third . Some people find it very embarrassing to emotionally burden their loved ones, and they prefer to withdraw into their experiences and problems. Believe me, your loved ones from this is not easier! Therefore, either find a good psychologist, or communicate with loved ones, talking about what worries you. Just warn them in advance that you are not expecting a miracle from them, some magical solutions and smart sayings. You just need to speak up. After all, often, speaking aloud, we hear ourselves in a completely different way than in mental reasoning. In this way, many difficult questions are answered, which will help you calm down more quickly after a divorce.

Now let's turn our attention to more aggressive feelings.

Feeling yourself in the role of a victim, there is a very great temptation to blame him or her for all your troubles, to present him or her as a real monster in the eyes of mutual friends and to inject more painfully in some way to drown out your pain and justify your failure. Women are especially inventive in this, but this is not about that now.

The fourth rule of life after divorce . Never look for allies to create a "black image" of a former partner. And even more so, do not waste your energy on thoughts of revenge or retribution. Remember that you created any situation together, your mutual contribution to the divorce is 50/50. And stop looking for the guilty! Everything has already happened.

Fifth . Instead of discussing the negative circumstances of your former life with someone, learn to express your anger and hatred in special physical exercises. If this is not possible, trust your feelings to paper. It is absolutely safe for others and very environmentally friendly for you. Waking up in the morning, for 20-30 minutes, without hesitation, write down in a notebook everything that appears in your head or gnaws at your soul. Even a week of such work will bring noticeable changes in your condition.

Remember that all suppressed negative experiences sooner or later begin to destroy your health. Don't let this happen!

sixth . To restore inner balance, connect meditation. Find at least one beloved one that will inspire you, help you relax and switch your mind to the positive, for some time will take you to another world, far from any problems.

seventh . Do energy exercises. It took you a lot of energy to restore mental strength, work with feelings. It's time to restore it. In addition, it is time to start living in a new way and return to some discipline.

Eighth. Think about forgiveness. If you managed to curb your feelings, then your soul is already beginning to brighten. Try to re-evaluate the situation with your divorce and begin to forgive both yourself and him for what happened. This is important, first of all, for you personally, for your future life and new relationships.

Recognize that none of you planned to destroy the family in advance, and each of you now has to go through a divorce in your own way. Gradually, the understanding will come that everything worked out in the best way, that the trials you experienced have opened up completely new paths and opportunities for you.

And this means that you are already on the threshold of a new state and are ready to take the next step towards your new life.

ninth . Get creative! Remember what brought you joy in childhood or adolescence and focus on your new hobbies and achievements. Remember that you live your life and you should not spend it looking back towards the one you broke up with. It is possible that he or she no longer cares about you, and you will still try to prove something. In vain.

Tenth. Remember gratitude. Find a few circumstances of your life for which you are already grateful to the world, the Creator, your parents, yourself and, of course, your ex-husband or wife... And then smile at your future, bright and joyful. And be sure that in response to your sincere gratitude, the Universe will send you new blessings, new relationships and a new happy state.

And since life after divorce is not over, as some assumed, live happily ever after!

With an open heart for you, Natalya Semenkova.

• Updated 17 January 2018

All life is now a gray everyday life, in which not the one who gave a smile on your face, because now you are divorced. How to cope with a divorce, how to live on and what is the meaning of this very life? Finding answers to these questions will be difficult for anyone who has just gone through a divorce. The first months will undoubtedly be accompanied by a depressed mood and bouts of melancholy, soon a person simply falls into a severe depression.

How to get out of a state of depression after a divorce?

It is extremely difficult to accept that your feelings, which were so strong, have come to an end. A feeling of emptiness appears and a person simply needs to change his life. To begin with, you should not withdraw into yourself, you need to continue communicating with your surroundings. Continue to take care of your children and loved ones. Try to splash out negative emotions as they accumulate, you should not blame yourself for what happened. Most importantly, you need to accept the situation, let go of your loved one, and get over the divorce. You won't be able to do this quickly, so you'll have to take it step by step. Do not dwell on the pleasant memories of past love and do not try to start a new relationship instantly, they still will not bring you anything good.

Is it possible to quickly cope and survive a divorce?

Unfortunately, the stress during a divorce is not much weaker than the stress after the death of a loved one, so you won’t be able to survive such a blow quickly. Psychologists around the world claim that it takes at least 3 years to recover from such an emotional shock, and some even have to turn to psychologists for help. Divorce changes the life of any person and does not go unnoticed. Of course, you can meet a person who in a couple of months will enjoy life and behave as if nothing had happened, but you should not trust the outward manifestations of such carelessness.

How to recognize anxiety after a divorce?

After a divorce, a person is characterized by a number of behaviors and states:

1. Some begin to feel sorry for themselves and think about what will happen to him next. These people are afraid to live and look into the future.
2. The next stage may be ardent hatred for your partner. A person begins to remember everything that happened in their family, whether it was petty quarrels or real scandals.
3. The state when a person wants to prove to his former lover that he can do everything himself is perhaps the most indulgent to himself. But often any activity through force, in order to prove to everyone what he is capable of, does not bring pleasure to the person himself and is a burden to him.

Ways to recover after a divorce

Each of us, being in a difficult situation, heard from our loved ones the words that we should not pay attention to problems and continue to live on. In the case of a divorce, such advice is not very effective, since keeping emotions and feelings in yourself will be a big mistake.

First, do not hide emotions in yourself, experience your divorce the way you feel. If you feel like crying, cry, if it hurts, talk about it. Many people think that it is not worth falling “face in the dirt”, you must definitely keep the brand and not become limp. Then do not forget that the more violently you experience the divorce process, the more difficult it will be for you to recover.

Secondly, if you need to be pitied, do not deny yourself this. Clearly understand from whom you want to receive support and empathy. It’s definitely not worth revealing your soul to everyone you meet, but crying to a loved one can be very useful.

Thirdly, do not hide your problems from your relatives, being afraid to load them with unnecessary negative thoughts. From the fact that you become isolated in yourself, it will not become easier for them, but it will be much harder for you. Do not be afraid to speak out to your relatives, warn them that you do not expect a miracle from them and help in solving the problem, you just need a vest in which you cry. In extreme cases, you can use the services of a psychologist.

How to recover after a divorce

The most important thing that can help you is a large number of friends and constant communication with them. Gather your friends and spend a fun evening with gatherings in the kitchen with delicious wine. You should not remember your former relationship and think about what should have been done differently so that you would not suffer such a sad ending. What's done is done and there's no going back. Try to forgive your ex-husband or ex-wife, it may not be easy, however, without this step, your soul will not be healed. Think about the bright future ahead of you.

In the first days after a divorce, it is especially painful and difficult for a person, how can you help yourself cope with emotions during this difficult period? First, stop thinking about how bad you feel. Decide what makes you the worst? Maybe it's self-pity or it's pity for children who are forced to grow up in a defective family, or maybe you remember the betrayal of a partner, because of which there was a discord. Try to get the most out of the situation. For example, if you're afraid of being alone, think about how you longed to read your favorite book or visit an exhibition in silence. Further, only the path forward awaits you, but not back. Your life should be built for yourself and only so that you enjoy this life.

Recovery after a divorce is much more difficult for a woman due to the fact that she is more prone to feelings and fears of being left alone, without her loved one. During this period, a woman simply needs to have a person nearby who can listen to all their experiences and help with friendly advice. Such a person may be a friend, sister or mother. For men, the divorce process is a little different. It is hard to find a representative of the stronger sex in a state of hysteria or crying into his friend's vest. Most often, men simply plunge into the pool headlong into parties with friends under strong alcohol, or they are closely engaged in work or hobbies.

To become a truly happy person after a divorce, you must follow certain rules:

• start setting goals that you can achieve;
• try not to accumulate negative thoughts and emotions in yourself;
• do not withdraw into yourself and remain open to society;
• do not try to take revenge on your partner;
• do not start a new relationship quickly;
• completely forget about the past life;
• do not put an end to your personal life and yourself;
• don't criticize yourself and don't let others do it.

Sometimes, the stress after a divorce is so strong that people start doing stupid things that ruin their lives and aggravate their morale. There are a number of actions that should not be taken after a divorce:

1. do not call your ex significant other under any pretext;
2. stop complaining about your ex-spouse to your friends and relatives;
3. you should not let yourself go and give up on yourself, forgetting about your own dignity;
4. you can not continue sexual relations with a former partner;
5. Don't follow your ex-husband or wife.

Many women cannot accept that they have been abandoned. Not a single representative of the fair sex even wants to think that she is now in the status of an “ex-wife”. However, this situation can be viewed in a completely different way. Now you are your own mistress, you no longer need to report or make excuses to anyone. Try to turn all the negative aspects of divorce into positive ones and you will see that divorce is not the end of life.

How to survive a divorce? Psychology of love and sex.

The sad outcome of the divorce process is the psychological state of both partners. Each of them is going through this period in their own way. The very reason for this situation makes a person suffer - a break with a loved one, which will not disappear on its own, it will remain in any case. In order to ease the pain of loss, you need to start treating your ex-lover differently. You need to stop thinking that you cannot live without him, that after leaving your life went downhill. This is absolutely not the case, our body and psyche are capable of not only killing themselves with suffering, but also forgetting about unpleasant situations over time.

Divorce is the end of a relationship, but not your life. It is impossible to live with a person while being in discomfort and discord with oneself. There are a huge number of other people in the world and with one of them you will definitely feel good and comfortable, you should just not be afraid to change your life for the better. Each person experiences such a tragedy in their own way, but each of us must remember that loving ourselves is much more important than surrendering to feelings that can only bring pain for you.

Mar 24 2017

Marry

Hello. I'll introduce myself. My name is Maria, I am 26 years old (I will be 27). I am currently divorced. I don't have children. They met for 3 years, but did not live together, married for another 1.5 years they lived together for a total of 4.5 years with her husband. After the divorce (January 2016) she returned to her parents. I didn’t have a job then (they made it redundant, which once again pushed me to a divorce). When she returned, she could not find a place for herself, so she went to work. I worked almost seven days a week - I didn't think about it. Received astheno-depressive syndrome. She underwent medical treatment, turned to a psychologist. Now I feel much better. But a year has passed, and the pain has not gone away. I drink mint, valerian, a vasodilator, since I have VVD. Emptiness inside and like a slight depression. I take care of things as much as I need to. She left work. I entered the institute for part-time (I always wanted to study). I went to get piano lessons (I always wanted to too). I am going to move with R. to live together (more on this below). And everything seems to be back to normal, work is brewing. But still, my heart is not calm. My head still hurts (literally). Now I want to ask a question and ask for help, as time goes by, and the pain from the soul does not go away - it's not even pain, but severe sadness, loss of faith in yourself and in happiness and love around. Concentration on oneself - others do not interest me. I want to understand what this condition is now connected with and how to remove neurotic states, both physical and psychological?
This is general information, I would like to tell my story in more detail so that you can understand what is at stake.
Let's go back to the very beginning. To childhood. I am the second child in the family - the youngest daughter. I don’t know if they wanted me because I was born immediately after my brother with an early 7 month period. Everyone in the family loved my brother very much, I was in the second role. My father is always at work, he is cold and demanding with me. My desires are not taken into account, as well as opinion too (and so on until the age of 18). Now, having returned to my parents, I blame my father for such an upbringing towards me. But I don’t tell him to tell - he won’t understand - he himself comes from a dysfunctional family, he married his mother in order to somehow improve his situation and find a family and a home. Mom is a very sincere, kind person, a believer, from a good full-fledged family. She has always been by my side even now. But the vision of my problems is different with her. I missed my father (now I understand). I replaced him with my husband. Because my husband was a child himself at heart (more on that later), but caring, and morally gave me protection and support - what I lacked, which attracted me to this relationship. Do not ask me to improve relations with my father - I only now feel anger, resentment and annoyance with him and I cannot forgive him, maybe in the future I will succeed. My husband was a year older than me. I must say, I did not need to get married, since he grew up alone with his mother without a father, and his mother, a despotic woman, suppressed him and kept him to herself. But the husband himself was a psychologist and intellectual, charismatic with a strong will. I must say, my ex-mother-in-law hated me, because she didn’t want her son to meet with anyone at all - she is disabled, with a broken leg (one shorter than the other - bone crushing), and she wanted him to always be with her (probably until her death) . The ex-husband himself (I am writing the former, but I think that he was the only one, I still don’t love him now, but the pain is probably connected with the feeling of losing a person who understood me and cared for me, considered him a kindred spirit then), was young and unsure that he I need to get married, this is more my decision, since the relationship was marking time and I had to somehow move - leave or get married - the choice was given to him and he agreed to get married. Whereas I was ready for this, because the family of my parents was not prosperous due to the torment of my father, I wanted to create my own happy family, as a goal, I went to any lengths for this, and my ex-husband seemed to be a good person (well, he in his spirit, if you take images, he always embodied the moral qualities of a knight). They got married, his mother forbade him to live with her, he did not want to go to me (like my authoritative father would suppress him morally, put him in second place in the service). They lived in a rented apartment. Mentally, we were like brother and sister. Somehow they lived in peace soul to soul. At first it is. Then he began to show that I don’t want a family, I don’t need children, they say I’m a psychologist, besides (it turned out) he was interested in the occult, they say, he will provide help services to people and build a business on this. I quit working like that. I then realized that I had to leave. But it was hard for me to do this, because I became attached to him (he morally compensated my father). I became in the position of a child, I was in the position of a parent - I decided everything myself, worked, tried to stretch the two of us. I gave up. Decided to leave. She filed for divorce herself. Even then, he did not understand why all this was necessary and why a divorce, it seems that we do not live badly (by my efforts). I must say about imtim, somehow after marriage we did not agree with him on this issue. They were expelled and lived like brother and sister. All the years I talked with a guy (first love) and we had warm friendly relations, but I was always somehow disposed towards him (I was interested in him, worried). We with the first love, let's call him R., let's say so began to communicate and I somehow wished to return to him. But she acted honestly. She divorced her husband and started dating him. I must say, over the years, R. and I have changed a lot, and here disappointment awaited me and the removal of rose-colored glasses. After the divorce, she communicated with her husband by correspondence, sometimes in the company of mutual friends. The ex-husband found a girlfriend a week later, and they still live together. She returned to her parents after the divorce. Received coldly. She suffered from the fact that she did not understand what to do next and from the fact that with R. The relationship did not work out. I sat at home in emptiness, loneliness and meaninglessness. Girlfriends - infantile girls about entertainment and boys - which did not please, but weighed down. (Now I don’t communicate with them, I don’t regret it). There is no work, because before the divorce they laid off. Well, I spent the winter like that and went to work in the spring. I wrote above that I did not spare my legs (since there was nothing more to do - emptiness outside, emptiness inside). I received the money, I didn’t know where to spend it - everything is always for the family, but I don’t need a lot for myself. I had terrible dreams - demons, the apocalypse. (The apocalypse from which I always escaped always dreamed - what does this mean?). She stopped communicating with her husband in the summer of June 2016, as she began to communicate with R. And our relationship is very harmonious and good. Now we want to move in together. I can’t say that I love R very madly. But I love him as a sincere person, with whom I feel good, who himself wants us to have a family, that is, revives my hopes for the future, I love him as a wife, just as a wife with warmth in soul, but without euphoria and any childishness. Let's go back - in the summer of 2016 I was diagnosed and treated. Addressed to the psychologist. I understood a lot. But physically I still feel anxiety, rarely (last time in the autumn on the bus) I had a panic attack. I can't stand screaming and negativity - I'm not resistant to stress, it causes anger as a response, my head hurts. Choleric herself.
I wrote a lot, but in order to try to provide more information about myself and the possible influences on me. A year has passed since the divorce (a little over a year), but anxiety, bad dreams (dreams about work, about demons and persecution, very vivid dreams sometimes, sometimes not waking up from a dream - false awakenings), poor health - slight nervous irritability, uncontrolled anger , pain or painful sadness in the soul, social non-adaptation - as if the world is pulling around, but I am not moving - persists. How can I get rid of these feelings? Regain peace of mind and mental health? I now think that moving away from my parents will help me, getting a job and a new life with R. But my health so far shows me that mentally, I have not gone all the way to parting with my ex-husband and somewhere stuck at the stage of Sadness and depression. Help me please. I will be very grateful.

Mar 24 2017

Hello Marry. I am sorry that you have been in a destructive state of sadness and apathy for more than a year. How long have you been visiting a psychologist? Why did you stop visiting if negative emotions continue to take over you now? Apparently, with the help of a specialist, you understood what your father did not give you, but did not work out the forgiveness of your parents, which is why now there is a lot of resentment and anger against your father, which interfere in personal relationships.
Probably, your expectations from finding a father in your husband and from building relationships other than parental were not crowned with success, and now you carry with you a load of unfulfilled expectations and feel angry at others and at the whole world because the hopes for a happy union did not come true. The fact is that just as it is impossible to completely repeat the family relations of the parents (if their marriage becomes a positive example), the opposite is also impossible - to create a family that is radically different from the parent. Both options are natural due to the fact that you bring the experience of your own family into the relationship, and the husband brings the experience of his parents, and together you create a unique relationship pattern (burdened with parental behaviors and attitudes). Despite the fact that you were looking for a father in your husband, you yourself became a Rescuer parent for him (like your kind believing mother is the Father's Rescuer). Now, it feels like in R. Are you also looking for a father?

Marry

Thank you for your reply, it's important to me.
I visited a paid psychologist and at that moment I was sick, did not work, that is, I could not go through therapy completely. And now, I am changing my place of work (it must be said about the problem of student employment), and I do not have the means to go to a psychologist. Well, I realized that I need to change a psychologist, since she helped me in many ways, but more, she can’t do anything for me according to her methods.
With her, we sorted out my relationship with my husband and R. The position of a parent and a child in my marriage is the result of consultations, we tried to relieve anxiety, but her method, through increasing stress stability, did not suit me, since it’s good for healthy people to improve it , and the sick, I would like to remove the burden from the soul, which is expressed through anxiety.
No, in R. I see only a spouse. In my feelings, I lost my father and I don’t try to look for him anymore in anyone. Perhaps my negative feelings are connected with disappointment - I had a lot of hopes for this marriage, and with a feeling of orphanhood - I lost more than my husband, father, brother - a very dear person. A year ago I was frightened that R. A completely different person than my husband, then I realized that there was no need to compare and I liked that R. was different.
We didn’t talk to a psychologist about my father, I recently came to such feelings, because now my father is interested in my life, and a feeling of interference, pain and anger flares up in me. I remember a lot of bad things from him, and nothing good.

Tell me please, do you think that I need to work out the relationship with my father? If it takes away everything I feel, I'm ready to do it.

Mar 25 2017

You understand a lot about yourself, Marri. And I am glad that now you do not compare R. with her husband: he is really a completely different person, relations with whom can enrich you and give you that peace of mind and happiness that partners strive for.
You are absolutely right about the need to work through resentment and anger at the father and finally forgive him. It is difficult to do this on your own, but you can try: the text of my colleague Olga Shmeleva -
“It would seem ... what a strange question! How can you forgive those who gave life? Who cared, loved as best they could? years have a terrible resentment against their parents in their hearts .... And they don’t want to forgive! So what - you ask! Maybe they have a right to it! Who knows how their parents treated them? And indeed, during work I have to hear terrible stories about how my father ran drunk with an ax, and my mother brought me up exclusively with a belt!
But why is the whole world psychotherapy based on the fact that acceptance and forgiveness of one's parents is the main condition for self-understanding, self-knowledge and inner maturation! Because whether we like it or not, we are made up of parents! Nobody canceled genetics! And if I do not accept my father, mother, then I will never accept myself!
It is through the parents that the unconscious identity of the child occurs! In simple words, the boy takes from his dad an example of what a man should be! And the girl, respectively, from her mother! And if the role models are very far from perfect... For example, dad is an alcoholic, then the son needs to make a lot of efforts not to become one... because he has been watching his father's behavior strategy since childhood and absorbs it like a sponge! To rebel against the father and become different, this is a challenge that not everyone can do! But on the other hand, each of us has all the resources to achieve this!
If, for example, a grown-up daughter continues to hold grudges against her mother, when the opportunity arises, she reminds of them! And as a rule = these are childish insults! - ”Little attention! Little love! Does this young woman become feminine, affectionate, beloved? How is it possible to open up to the world, love, if there is a deep resentment for your feminine, i.e. mother's nature!? Do you understand? It's like throwing stones at your soul and complaining that there is no female happiness! Conclusion! It is necessary to forgive parents first of all for the sake of Yourself, your Health and happiness!
Everything will change for the better when you forgive your parents! It is useless to wait for your parents to give you the attention and love that you did not receive as a child ... If you don’t forgive them, you simply won’t let them do it, won’t let them take care of you when you are adults! Get into the position of a capricious child and everything will not be enough for you! This is the position of the Victim! And the victim, as you know, can not be helped! Therefore, the next. Tasks and recommendations for those who will be freed from children's grievances against their parents!
How to forgive? Where to begin? To get started, write therapy letters to mom and separately to dad, follow up. scheme.
Thank you for what
Why I apologize
For what I forgive
Thank you for what
These are quite painful letters. You need to write them with your soul in order to remember all the negative and positive details of your childhood! Let all emotions remain on paper! After writing, letters can be burned! Of course, do not show anyone!
Then I would advise you to see in parents - a little girl in mom and a little boy in dad ... how did they feel in their childhood? How did you live? Did they get the attention and love of their parents? Analyze their childhood to understand that mom and dad loved us the best they could! The very best for them! All they could give, they gave! This is the MAXIMUM they were capable of when they were young when they raised you! Look at them not through the eyes of a capricious child, but as an ADULT person who is able to look at their parents with understanding, sympathy and GRATITUDE!
And the final task. It's take your baby photo and start asking questions.
- How are you feeling?
_ What are you thinking about?
- What are you afraid of? What you want?
And most importantly, we write questions with our right hand, and answers with our left! (Who is left-handed - vice versa)
This is a challenge to understand the needs of your inner child! Talk to your little self from the position of the most loving PARENT! Calm him down and give him what he asks for! If you are over 21 years old, then you have every opportunity to take care of the spiritual comfort of your "inner child" AND BECOME THE PERFECT PARENT FOR YOURSELF!!! This is the position of an adult, a mature person! This is the responsibility for your life and your happiness! And thanks to your parents for giving YOU the most important gift - THEY GIVED LIFE!!! And just for this fact alone, you can be infinitely grateful!
I remember one of my clients who was "unlucky" with her parents - both drank. Dad beat mom. When she grew up, she hated her parents! She didn't have a personal life. At that time she was 33 years old. She despised men, believed that they all looked like her father. She put an end to her female happiness! And you should have seen how she changed from the inside when she forgave her parents! At the 3rd consultation, she already began to defend her father, justify her mother ... Now she has a serious relationship with a young man for the FIRST TIME ... and career growth! She's happy!
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting grievances ... because if the opportunity arises, they will be remembered! Forgiveness does not mean accepting what was done to you! Forgiveness is FOREVER letting go of the pain from the heart and freeing your soul from stones in order to let in the healing energy of love and wisdom!"

Mar 25 2017

Marry

Thank you! You have given me good guidance - I not only know what I need to work with, but also how. This is very important to me - you gave me direction, joy, hope. I will work on my relationship with my parents. Thank you very much!
I felt that I needed to see a specialist, because my psychologist still has a marriage agency, and her interests regarding the family are a little skewed in this direction. She did not reveal anything from what is in this thread. Although, we made a tree with her before my grandfathers and grandmothers. My uncle drowned himself after the death of my grandmother, just like my grandfather drowned while drunk (from my father's side). Looking at my life (and I must say, this is not the first marriage - the first was a civil one, after R. left to study at the age of 17, I probably started these first cohabiting relationships out of resentment. Now we are set with R. For marriage and even a wedding), she said that I had to go through a lot in my 26 years and it is not surprising that I was affected by mental illness (asthenia depressive syndrome). But more than that, she didn’t understand anything in my family that could improve my life, although she tried to sort out my fears, but the fear of death, which became very strong after the illness, like the fear of getting sick again and others, seemed to her natural fears, ( I agree, everyone has them as a standard, but not everyone causes anxiety). So she did what she could, and your help was, in my opinion, the most professional. For which a big THANK YOU! FROM SOUL!

Mar 26 2017

Marri, I'm glad to hear that the information about the forgiveness of parents was useful to you. If necessary, write at any time - we will work. I wish you success and family happiness!