Raising a child respect for parents. How do you instill respect for elders in your children? Where does self-respect come from?
Recently I watched a scene in transport. A mother of 35-38 years old was talking to her teenage daughter. More precisely, she tried to talk, but in response from her native blood she received only irritation and very unpleasant attacks.
“Yeah, you still say that you yourself would wear this and walk in this!”. "Oh, shut up already." “Yes, stop dripping on my brain!”
Respect equals safety
To be honest, when I listened to how this young schoolgirl insults her mother, several times I wanted to intervene in the conversation and put her in her place. Barely held back. Still, this is someone else's relationship, and my intervention would not change anything. These things take years to develop – you can’t fix them in a minute.
Here we often talk about love between children and parents, but it seems to me that mutual respect is an equally important component of our relations in the family.
It is out of respect for parents that the child will not allow too frivolous treatment of them, will not be rude or rude, even if he does not agree with their opinion, will not put him in an awkward position in front of strangers, and most importantly - will not offend with his words and behavior.
In a family where everyone treats each other with respect, you feel comfortable and safe. One can really say about such a family: “my house is my fortress”.
And vice versa, there is no respect - and some kind of threat hangs in the air. Everyone is forced to be on their guard in order to be able to “worthily” respond in the event of another attack.
And what about love?
Can a person love, but not respect? It is a paradox, but this happens, and it is increasingly becoming a distinctive feature of our time.
Daughters and sons can hug and kiss you in one minute, saying how much they love you and what a good mom you are. And the next minute - snap, call names, or simply mockingly disrespectfully speak out about your views or principles.
I think that love is also under a big question mark. This is love with signs of selfishness and consumerism. It is good to love when you are indulged in everything and agree with you in everything. Well, if one of the parents makes a remark, it seems that love is hiding behind the wall.
“Television is to blame for everything!”
Someone might say: how can there not be a disrespectful attitude when there are a lot of stories and films around - both on television and on the Internet, where children are smart, and mom and dad are fools? Do you respect such parents?
I cannot fully agree with this. I know some wonderful families that have both a TV and a computer connected to the World Wide Web, but the children in them are very respectful of their parents. And the media failed to spoil them.
So, then, you can’t blame everything on the “pernicious influence”? 
“But we didn’t teach them bad things!”
Words, words, words... See how much and often we say something to our children. We teach, read morals, "educate" - and we hope that sooner or later it will bring results. But why are there no results?
In relation to the lessons, this means that until the student learns to solve problems in his notebook, then no teacher's explanations of how to solve them will help him.
And in relation to the family, this means that we can even talk about respect from morning to night, but if we ourselves do not do this, then our children will not learn this either.
As always, just a personal example
Yes, it turns out that we are again coming to the truth we have known for a long time: set an example, and the children will follow it.
If we come home from work and angrily tell how we were unfairly offended, the child hears this and learns not to respect the bosses.
If we come from the store and are indignant at how we were once again weighed down, the child learns not to respect the sellers.
If we were pushed on the bus and we grumble or swear in front of the child, our child receives another lesson in disrespect.
If a child comes home from school and starts complaining about his teacher, and we support him and say yes, they are all like that, these teachers, then we teach the child to disrespect not only the school mentor, but also themselves.
We can teach forgiveness and respect
But you can think, feel and speak in a completely different way. We can use our own words to show that we forgive others for their mistakes or shortcomings, thereby demonstrating respect for them.
They stepped on the foot - smile and say in response: “Yes, it's okay! It’s hard not to step in such a crowd!”
They hung it in the store, and you noticed - with a smile and without superiority, softly say: “Oh, I sympathize, you have to work with such old scales! After all, you can unwittingly weigh someone. ”
And to say to the child about the teacher: “But you know how difficult it is for her to manage all of you! She is so good that she agreed to work with you. If I were in her place, I would have run away from you loafers long ago!”
"Do you respect me?"
And the last. If we are to be completely frank, then will each of us with a clear conscience say that he himself has never committed acts, has not said words that showed our disrespect for children?
“Forever you, lazy (dunce, loafer, klutz) scatter everything (break it, drop it), and then go and clean it up for me (repair it, buy a new one) after you!” “But where do your hands grow from?” “Well, yes, where in your mind do you get good grades?”
So we get a boomerang that was thrown into the air. On our disrespect for children - their disrespect for us.
I think many of us have something to think about and what to change in our relationship with children, with others, in general in our attitude to this world. Then the children will respect us and other adults.
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How to teach children to respect their parents? What mistakes do parents make in raising children? What are they doing wrong? Why do parents see the selfishness of children instead of honor and respect? Modern children are not familiar with the concept of "authority". The authority of parents has long been destroyed. What can be done?
I think these questions concern everyone who has children. Very often, in relationships with children, we feel their affection and love, but we do not see respect for ourselves.
We all subconsciously understand the difference between love and respect, although it can be difficult to explain it in words.
I would like to start by saying that children are our mirrors, whether we want to admit it or not, but it is true. And if our children treat us disrespectfully, dismissively and stop caring about us, it is only because we once treated them in the same way.
I foresee the indignation of many mothers who are ready to object to me - I, they say, devoted my whole life to a child, and what in response?
So who told you that a child needs you to devote all of yourself and your life to him?
Let's try to understand the concepts of "respect" and "love". And how can children be taught to respect their parents?
What is respect and love? This is the same?
Many people know how to answer the question:
- "Do you like?"
- "Yes".
And here is the question: “Do you respect?” - confuses many.
The problem of modern marriage, just lies in the lack of respect for each other.
Basically, everyone creates families for love, but no one at this moment thinks about respect.
It is the presence of respect for each other that helps to maintain love for many years and helps to raise children in a favorable atmosphere.
Love is a feeling peculiar to a person, it is a deep affection for another, deep sympathy. Love is born in the heart, it accepts everything and forgives everything.
Respect - the position of one person in relation to another, recognition of his merits. Respect is born in the mind, it is selective.
This feeling implies justice, equality of rights, attention to the interests of another person, his convictions.
Respect implies freedom and trust.
Every culture has its own set of ideas about it. In an Eastern family, a woman respects a man only because he is a man, she is brought up in respect for a man and elders.
A woman must unquestioningly look after her husband, obey him, serve him.
In India, a woman shows great respect when she washes her man's feet.
In Egypt, to appear in front of a husband in an inappropriate form - in an old dressing gown and unkempt hair - is a sign of disrespect. The most terrible offense in the Egyptian family, after which the husband has the right to kick his wife out of the house forever, is to tell him that he does not provide for the family. Indeed, by doing so, the wife questions the masculinity of her husband.
In the modern family, respect between a man and a woman has ceased to occupy an important place.
A woman does not respect a man at all and rightfully believes that there is nothing to respect him for. The man also has no respect for the woman. In modern marriage, the boundaries between a man and a woman have been erased, we have ceased to treat each other with respect.
Of course, in the modern world, the role of men and women has changed a lot, and this has only created problems so far.
The wife no longer sees a man in her husband, and the husband no longer sees a woman in his wife.
If a woman does not respect a man, how can she respect her son? She will love him, but she will not respect the man in him, because she does not respect the male sex.
How will a father respect his daughter if he does not respect his wife?
He will love his daughter and be tenderly attached to her, but he will not respect the woman in her.
The son, seeing the attitude of the mother towards the father and other men, will try on this attitude on himself and his male identity, the same will happen with the daughter.
Respect is a respectful attitude to each other, to the mind and abilities, to interests and hobbies, to the decisions made, desires.
By the age of 3, the position “I myself” begins to form in the child.
For the first time, he begins to test his abilities to perform certain tasks.
If at this moment the parents disrespectfully treat his position “I myself”, laugh, do not let him do anything, emphasize that he is too small or he has “leaky hands”, what kind of respect can we talk about? Teach children to respect to parents is possible only when the parents will respect each other and the child.
If it is customary in a family to make fun of each other, to be sarcastic, to make sharp remarks, to belittle, to doubt one's abilities, this becomes the norm.
If the parents do not respect the child and each other, then the child will never respect the parents. He may be afraid of them and, out of fear, show respect, but real respect will be far away.
To respect a person means to respect his personal boundaries (phone, computer, diary, diary).
Parents do not consider it necessary to knock on the door of their children, thinking that they cannot have their own secrets. And it's an invasion of privacy.
Parents can shamelessly interrupt the child when he is doing his own business, demand that he leave everything just because it's dinner time, unceremoniously change the channel on the TV.
How will a child respect their parents with such an attitude?
Respectful attitude towards relatives and friends can also serve as an example of respect for the child.
If the door closes behind the guests, and someone starts to discuss them, what kind of respect can we talk about?
Each family should have its own rituals that show respect for holidays and traditions.
Serve your husband the first plate, bring tea when he looks through the newspapers, meet at the door, hug and kiss - this is respect. And if the wife, not looking up from her affairs, grumbles with displeasure: “Heat it yourself, dinner is on the table,” where is the example for respect?
The husband should have the same respectful attitude towards his wife - thank her for dinner, kiss, hug, offer his help around the house.
Only such relationships in the family will bring up respect for parents in the child.
Respect is a feeling that is least influenced by time, unlike love.
For many, the concepts of love and respect are closely intertwined, and a person thinks that if he loves, he automatically respects.
No, it's not.
Love is born from feelings and lives in the heart.
Respect is born of the mind, lives in the head and implies a certain distance.
Obeying reason, respect always finds qualities for which a person can be respected.
Respect does not arise in a vacuum. Respect always for something.
You can and should love just like that.
We respect people for their character, for some personal qualities, for achievements, for everything that a person is given as a result of his own efforts and work. This is what a person acquires during his life or what is given to him from birth.
You need to know your child very well, be able to see in him qualities and character traits worthy of respect, try to respect his features.
If he is slow, then do not ridicule this quality, it can be very useful when doing some meticulous work.
If, on the contrary, the child is restless, then this can be useful to him in his active life.
Another reason for the lack of respect is the inability to respect the boundaries of another person, especially a child.
We perceive the child as our property and do not want to hear anything about his desires.
As soon as the boundaries between you and your child are erased, then there can be no question of any respect on his part.
Respect is, first of all, keeping a distance and respecting personal boundaries.
Respect is born only in a certain distance in a relationship.
And if you need to be as close as possible to the child, you do not have your own life, then the child will not respect you, because you are too attached to him. For respect to arise, distance is needed, emotional remoteness, space is needed.
True respect is not a neutral and cold stance, it is the presence of everyone's personal space.
True respect in the family is the unity of love and respect. And although these concepts are very different, they complement each other.
Love without respect turns into an uncontrollable feeling that seeks to subjugate the other, to deprive him of his freedom.
The destruction of human boundaries can have very devastating consequences.
Without love, respect loses its soul and becomes a dry observance of rules and formalities.
In order for children to respect their parents, it is necessary to restore respect for all family members, including the child.
When you respect a child, you don't use snarky words, you don't sound contemptuous in your voice, your face doesn't twist as if you see something extremely unpleasant to you.
Every year it is more and more difficult for parents to find mutual understanding with their growing children. And not just with teenagers. child of four or five
years, too, is often far from a gift. Parents often complain that children absolutely do not obey them, do not respond to comments, and ignore requests.
As soon as something goes wrong - screaming, crying, hysteria. And there is no need to talk about respect for parents. Parental authority and does not smell. How should you raise your children so that they grow up loving, attentive and caring.
In this article, we will discuss this issue.
Let's start "by planting potatoes" ... Finally, our long-awaited baby was born. The whole family is delighted. Dust blows off. Fulfills all desires, it is only necessary for the baby to frown. The crumb does not know anything. Everyone is in service: not only mom and dad, but grandparents. The baby is growing ... Now he is already six or seven years old. And one can often observe such a picture in public transport: a grandmother with her granddaughter entered; grandmother grabbed the handrail, but still throws it from side to side - weak arms and legs; the man gives way. What do you think grandma does? She sits her granddaughter, and she herself settled down next to him, covering him with her weak body, as if someone had pushed her beloved child.
I don’t know about anyone, but I hate to look at such a picture. And I don't feel sorry for grandma. I see that the boy is completely healthy - he has roller skates in his hands. Probably, the poor thing was tired, roller-skating. And they will come home - they will rush to chase the ball on the court. I would like to ask my grandmother: how does she think, what kind of person her grandson will grow up. And not only his relatives, but also the people around him will suffer from such an upbringing. It is unlikely that this boy, having become an adult man, will give way to a woman or an old man, not to mention more significant help to his neighbor. But I am silent. I understand that you cannot re-educate such a grandmother, you will only run into a scandal.
I hope this article will be read by young parents who want to raise a worthy person who will surround them with love and attention in old age.
And in order for this to happen, you need to remember a simple rule: the child must know what discipline is. From a very early age.
I'll tell a parable. Not literally, maybe something is not quite accurate, but the meaning will not change from this.
Once young parents asked the sage:
At what age should you start raising a child?
The sage answered with a question:
- How old is your baby?
“Nine months,” the parents replied.
“You are nine months late,” the sage surprised them with his answer.
So the child should know the word "discipline" from the first day of birth. If not to know, then to feel.
Don't think that I'm asking you to be cruel to your child. By no means, no.
How to instill respect for parents in a child
Discipline - does not mean keeping the child in "hedgehogs". Your child must learn that life is a certain order. And the child will be able to learn this rule only if you personally strictly follow it. You are his idol. You are a role model. After all, children are very observant and literally copy their parents. So, if you yourself are not disciplined, then it is unlikely that you will be able to discipline your child. Improve, develop, do good deeds.
So, the first rule: become a role model for your little man in everything.
Watch the animals: how little kittens, puppies, ducklings and other "yata" copy their mothers. The same thing happens with people. Be disciplined yourself, and the children will not let you down.
Just as important as discipline is communication. Many believe that the baby does not understand speech, therefore it is useless to talk to him. And they are deeply mistaken. From the very first day, the baby, even though it does not understand verbatim what is being said to it, deeply feels the emotional mood of the person who speaks to it. Therefore, it is very important to constantly speak tender, affectionate words to the little one, sing calm, melodious songs, and touch him more often. In the first days of his life, the baby begins to realize himself and his presence in this world.
As the child grows and develops, communication with parents becomes more and more important for the child. And if you want your child to consult with you in adolescence, share his experiences and joys, devote as much time as possible to daily communication with him. Will have to patiently answer endless questions at the age of 2-5 years. We'll have to read books together, watch cartoons, and then share our impressions. You will have to remember your childhood and play with your child those games that he likes. And then learn lessons and so on and so forth.
Some mothers may now be indignant: when to do household chores. Believe me, it's easy. If you show imagination and patience, you can communicate with the child and do the work. You can also attract a baby by entrusting him with some business - and small children are very willing to help their parents - and at the same time communicate. There would be a desire. And the desire should be if you want the child to respect you.
So, the second rule: communication. Communication is always and everywhere: at home, on the road, doing work together, playing, traveling, going to bed.
How to instill respect for parents in a child
Remember, communicating, you lay the main character traits of your child. And the more love you give him during communication, the more you will receive from him, not only at the moment, but also in the future. Show your love openly. The child must not only feel your love, he must constantly hear that you love him. The more attention and love you surround the child with, the more obedient he will be, because it is through your attentiveness and love that the child perceives care for himself. And later he will take care of you with love and respect. But in no case do not think that you can replace communication with toys or expensive things, justifying yourself with a lack of time. Such "parental love" is unlikely to turn into respect for you. Children feel very subtly - this is sincere love, or purchased, and it is impossible to compensate for the true love of parents with anything. Remember this once and for all.
The rest of the rules, which I will write about below, follow directly from those already described. The basis: love, attentiveness and respect.
In order for the child to respect you, remember the saying: "As it comes around, it will respond." Never yell at a child.
Try not to scold him if he did something wrong or "naughty". Children do not yet know how to think about their actions and their consequences, so you must remember that experience and skill come with time. Who does nothing, he does not make mistakes. Children may not be able to assess the possible consequences of their actions for a long time. Be patient, explain what will happen after this or that action.
How to instill respect for parents in a child
Reasonable control is also one of the assistants in raising children in respect for their parents. But not the control that I would like to call "under the escort of care." Supervise the child unobtrusively. It is desirable that he does not notice that you control him. If you have managed to establish a trusting relationship, then you should not have problems with control. The child himself will share with you everything that happens in his life.
Do not rely on the school: the main function of the school is to teach. The main function of parents is to educate. No other aunt will be able to influence the personality of the child in the same way as moms and dads.
Show interest in what your child is interested in. And do not forbid even when you do not like his hobby. Try to delve into his hobby and understand what attracts the child so much in this. So it is much easier to achieve mutual understanding with the child and his respect. If the child will trust you, there will be a respectful attitude.
And further. Loving your child and trying to cultivate a respectful attitude towards you, do not be afraid to refuse. If trust and mutual understanding are firmly established in you, if the child knows and feels that you sincerely love him, he will perceive your refusal correctly and with due understanding. He will not respect you less, especially if you thoroughly argue your refusal. But do not be stubborn, yield to the child yourself. This will encourage him to give in to you.
Last but not least, respect your child. Let him see you as a friend. Remember that he is, first of all, a person, and only then is your child. Respect your husband and let your husband respect you. As a rule, if family members are happy, if harmony and tranquility reign in the house, it is much easier for a child to cultivate respect for parents.
Good luck in building a trusting relationship with your children, and then the respect and love of the child will delight you all your life.
It's hard to teach children to be respectful of others these days. And not only because someone is deliberately discredited. Although, of course, and therefore, too. For example, in a family where grandparents treat their adult daughter as a silly child and “sand” her in front of the child, indulging his whims, it is difficult for the mother to maintain her authority. Nowadays, this is a fairly common maternal complaint in a conversation with a psychologist. Often, the husband, without ceremony, points out to his wife her shortcomings in the presence of children. Wives also do not remain in debt ...But even if nothing like this is observed and everything in the family is decorous and noble, it is not so easy to maintain the authority of adults. The child is not closed in the circle of the family. Even if he does not attend kindergarten, he still walks the streets, looks around, absorbs impressions. And in today's world, a disrespectful spirit rules. Pervasive irony, ridicule, mockery, arrogance and cynicism. In other words, the spirit of postmodernity. This spirit is trying to convince us that there is nothing sacred in the world, that there are no forbidden topics and deeds, and whoever dares to object is a fool or a hypocrite. Or both at the same time.
In such an unkind environment, naturally, the weak suffer first of all: children, the elderly, women. After all, no matter how emancipated and imitate men, women are still the weaker sex. And even in the fact that alcoholism and drug addiction in them lead to the degradation of the personality faster, and female crime is more cruel, weakness is also manifested. Such gross perversions of female nature turn out to be too heavy a burden for the psyche, and women rapidly "fly off the coils."
In the modern world, which is moving further and further away from Christianity, as a result of this departure, the cult of power is more and more openly implanted. The strong and cruel are feared, weakness is despised, other people's compassion and generosity are ruthlessly manipulated. Women and here are much more likely to be in a losing position.
How to cultivate respect for the mother in such unfavorable conditions? (I once wrote about the formation of the image of the father, so I won’t focus on this topic now.) The easiest way is to say: “Let it correspond, then there will be respect.” But it depends on what to focus on. Every person has advantages and disadvantages. If you think like that, it turns out that only an ideal person is worthy of respect. But then why did the apostle Paul urge slaves to show respect to any master, not only the kind and merciful? And the Lord's commandment to honor the father and mother is given without any reference to their behavior. And when communicating with other people, one should not forget that each person is created in the image of God. (Although he can greatly defile this image with his sins.)
Why is respect needed?
When we are faced with any more or less serious problem, it is first of all necessary to comprehend and only then look for solutions. Today, however, many want to immediately, without straining, get ready-made recipes, but in this way you will not go far. Life is extremely diverse, and without understanding what is happening, a person with a high degree of probability runs the risk of being in the position of a fool from a popular fairy tale. Remember? The poor man could not orient himself in time and applied specific advice to the wrong circumstances: at the wedding he began to cry bitterly, and at the funeral he rejoiced and congratulated the relatives of the deceased. For which he constantly fell cuffs and slaps in the face.
So, let's try to understand. First of all, let's ask the question: is it really necessary, this respect? The question is by no means idle, because if the need for a respectful attitude towards each other was obvious to everyone, people would not adopt opposing behaviors so easily. Of course, playing on passions is very important here: pride, vanity, ambition, selfishness. Captured by these passions, a person tries to rise above those around him, showing them his “fairy”. But passions have always been; This is, so to speak, a personal matter for everyone. But the ideological justification for rudeness and the destruction of the God-established hierarchy under the brand name of the struggle for equality is a relatively new and much more widespread phenomenon. This is work with the public consciousness. And, as we know from history, it can be very successful. Especially if the ideas are dressed in an attractive shell and consonant with what society vaguely, unconsciously desires. And it is subject to different mindsets in different eras. What once had no chance of popularity, after a certain number of years, may well be met with a bang.
Take, for example, the so-called partnerships between parents and children. It would seem like utter nonsense. Well, which of the child is a "partner"? A partner is an equal, companion, comrade. And a child, even in the game (another meaning of the word “partner” is “participant in the game”) often cannot be an adequate partner: he cries, losing, wants to be succumbed to him. Especially in life! If equal rights, then if you please, have equal duties, otherwise this is not a partnership, but pure swindle. But what are the responsibilities of a child, not even a very small one? Clean up the room, wash the dishes and sometimes go to the store for bread and milk? (Serious purchases are usually not trusted to children.)
But after all, the ideology of partnership, despite its obvious absurdity, appealed to many adults! (After a while, they, however, see that the situation has reached a dead end: no equal, that is, involving an equal degree of responsibility, relations with children can be obtained, but it turns out to be a one-sided game, and the child grows up impudent and irresponsible. But unpleasant consequences come then, and at first, adults think that it’s smart and right to behave with children like that. Say, you never know what happened before? Now is a different era, everything should be new!) They fall for the bait of partnership because, firstly , it gives the illusion of friendship and intimacy, which people lack so much in the current atomization of society. Secondly, when you are on an equal footing with a child, then you yourself are almost a child. This means that you correspond to fashionable standards, because the preservation of youth to the grave is downright a fixed idea of modern society. Yes, and the element of the game that is present in partnerships with a child impresses many. The "civilized" world in general is trying to turn everything into a game. Even a person is already proposed to be called not “sapiens” (reasonable), but “ludens” - playing. Allegedly, this is almost its main characteristic.
And yet: is it necessary or not necessary? Proponents of a "non-authoritarian" approach naturally say no. What is much more important is not to lose the trust of the child. That is why they propose to act exclusively by the method of persuasion. And that is only until the child is ready to listen to you. If he gets tired, he has the right to turn his back and demand that he "not be loaded." In countries where such methods of interaction with children are not just promoted by individual enthusiasts, but are already legally obligated to parents and teachers, all types of punishment are gradually prohibited. In the Netherlands, for example, according to local sources of information, "pedagogically acceptable punishments" are "penalty chair", a reward calendar and highlighting positive qualities. That is, in fact, the punishments have been canceled, because the "penalty chair" for hooligans of school age is simply ridiculous. And with the abolition of rewards and praise (after all, only in such a context can it be written down as punishment), everything is not so simple. Juvenile justice, which guards the rights of the child, obliges parents to provide their children with pocket money (so that the child cannot be deprived of them as a punishment), provide the child with a personal computer and TV, guarantee leisure and communication with friends. So you can’t ban partying as a punishment. And there is nothing to stutter about the influence on the choice of friends!
The very posing of the question, when a child fights with his relatives for his “rights”, and other people’s uncles and aunts incite him: they say, dad and mom don’t offend you, baby? and then you just say it! we will show them... - the very formulation of the question indicates that there is no longer any talk of any respect for parents. These are miserable, contemptible little people, who, moreover, must be tormented by a sense of guilt because, being in captivity of barbaric, archaic prejudices, they dared to consider children their property and claim - what a laugh! - some kind of respect there! While the destiny of modern parents is to slavishly please their offspring, whom they, having neither moral nor physical grounds for it, dared to bring into the world.
As a result, since equality in nature is impossible, a new, perverted hierarchy is quickly created, in which children dominate their parents. And the children are commanded by officials who try to alienate them as much as possible from the family and bring them closer to the perception of the anti-family values of the “new beautiful world”. A world in which debauchery is no longer considered depravity, but a very effective way of self-expression, drugs “expand consciousness”, promote creativity and overcome depression, abortion helps to cope with poverty and overpopulation of the planet, euthanasia stops the suffering of patients. And Christianity, with its moral norms and commandments, is declared inhumane, intolerant, provoking hostility, and therefore - for the good of society - subject to a ban. This has not yet been declared quite openly, but de facto it is gradually happening, which, especially in recent years, is already full of evidence.
In such an environment, depriving parents of authority is extremely dangerous, because when a child is his own head, soulful ideas very easily penetrate into this immature head. Here is what psychologist Arina Lipkina, who lives in the USA, writes about this: “When a teenager grows up, there are more and more chances to get out of control. Dangerous temptations stand in the way: early sex, drugs, weapons, sects. At this time, wealthy parents, as a rule, transfer their children to private schools. Such risks are minimized there. In any case, they try to pay more attention to teenagers. Spend more time with them. This is a difficult time. It is important for parents to keep the previously won positions. It takes a lot of moral strength, love and patience. It is necessary to break loose, as immediately there is a danger of losing contact with the child. Or even worse, his appeals for help to the “authorities”.
In other words, no matter how much the parents tried to win the child’s trust (and for this they turned a blind eye to many things, did not punish, did not scold, did not prohibit, everyone always tried to explain and put up with the fact that if the explanations did not work, they gave the child all the best, lived his interests, etc.), no friendly, trusting relationships in the juvenile coordinate system still work. Because friends are not reported to the “competent authorities”, no matter how they offended you. Friendship is incompatible with betrayal. And trust too.
So why bother gardening? Why deprive a child in childhood of a sense of security, which gives the belief that mom and dad are the most important people? And that special quivering childhood love, children's adoration of parents, the memory of which will be the more precious the further and which is impossible in partnerships, because partners are not adored? For the sake of what to expose one's flesh and blood to all these terrible risks associated with joining the "culture of rock-sex-drugs"? And helplessly watch how a son or daughter, who gave so much hope in early childhood, degrades before your eyes, because you are not a decree for them, and those whom they want to listen in every possible way encourage and justify degradation?
Without the authority of adult children it is impossible to teach and educate. These are the basics of pedagogy, and, probably, everyone had the opportunity to verify their truth from their own experience. In any school there are kind, but too condescending teachers who do not know how to put themselves with children. And the children, not feeling any hostility towards them, do not obey these women at all. And often they even scoff, testing their patience. It is not difficult to guess that the explanations of the lesson are passed on deaf ears. There is such a noise in the classroom that even those rare children who, in such an environment, still want to learn, are physically unable to fulfill their desire.
So respect for elders is essential. Children - for the normal development of their personality. And parents - in order to feel like normal people. After all, living when you are constantly humiliated is incredibly difficult. And to endure rudeness and humiliation from children is simply immoral. Of course, humility is the greatest virtue, and Christians should cultivate it in themselves. But the humility of parents before their children does not at all mean indulgence in sin. On the contrary, parents are obliged to instill high morality in their children, to keep them from sin with all their might and to guide them on the path of salvation. They will answer for it before God. The humility of parents in front of their children is expressed in a completely different way: in the fact that with the birth of a child a person radically changes his life, many of his habits, is forced to work more and sleep less, endure children's crying and whims, refuses many previously beloved activities, significantly reduces chat with friends. In short, for no one else do most people perform as many altruistic acts as for their children. Therefore, the school of humility in the family is very serious. And the honoring of parents commanded by God is a necessary condition for maintaining harmony and justice. Without this, parenting becomes an "unbearable burden" and many people shy away from it by choosing childlessness.
Do we respect others?
“So in everything you want people to do to you, do the same to them; for in this is the law and the prophets,” said Christ (Matt. 7:12). This moral imperative is so important that it is repeated twice in the Gospel, almost word for word: “And as you want people to do to you, so do you to them” (Luke 6:31).
But we still forget and often do not transfer, because, according to our egoism, we often want some special relationship with ourselves. It is difficult, very difficult, to love your neighbor as yourself.
However, it is impossible to instill respect in children if you yourself do not respect others. Children are not at all such good psychologists as many people think, but they perfectly capture the violation of the hierarchy and vibes of rudeness. The child adopts the style of behavior in the family even before he learns to speak. Therefore, it is very important to think: how do we treat our parents and the parents of a wife or husband, grandparents? Do we respect them as much as we would like to be respected? Are we shrugging off our mother's advice, are we not wry faces in annoyance: how long can you teach me how to live, I'm not five years old anymore ?! Are we irritated with old people who develop sclerosis? Don't we say (including in front of a child) that they "have gone crazy"? Do we not make claims to relatives (even if only mentally): they didn’t get enough, they didn’t like them? Do we implicitly settle scores when we see that the child does not obey his grandmother, is rude to her, and we do not interfere, are not in a hurry to call him to order?
What kind of image of the world of adults do we form in a child, and what specific images of a father, mother, grandparents and other relatives arise in him on the basis of our stories, remarks, actions? When reading works written at a time when respect for elders was an integral feature of any normal, and not just highly cultured person, pay attention to the fact that even when describing unworthy parents, a certain line is still respected. There is no self-exaltation and ridicule, no malice and desire to get even. Such an expression of their feelings was then considered shameful. And even if a person was very angry with his mother and father, he was in no hurry to tell the world about it, because the world would not support him. God's formidable warning has not yet been blotted out of people's memory: "He who speaks evil of his father or mother, let him die the death" (Mark 7:10).
Now, even quite worthy relatives are often evaluated very critically, and the child knows much more about what they did “wrong” than about their merits and merits. How many women (according to my observations, this is more characteristic of the weaker sex) cannot get out of the vicious circle of old childhood grievances, on which new ones, seemingly adults, but in fact - still childish!.. The claims of mothers to their own mothers as would be in the air and set the children in the same way. What positive image of a mother can we then talk about?
A small child is closest to the mother. So, it is from her that he "reads" the primary information about the attitude towards people. Therefore, his attitude towards them and towards herself will largely depend on how she treats others. So it is absolutely necessary to critically evaluate two points: firstly, what example does the mother set for the child and, secondly, what kind of attitude does she herself want to achieve from him.
If a mother sets an example of a polite, caring, generous attitude to her husband, to her parents, to her father-in-law and mother-in-law, then this alone will set the children in the right mood. It is very important that the child hears as much good as possible about relatives (and distant ones too!) And then we ourselves, sometimes without noticing it, even manage to mix a fly in the ointment into a barrel of honey.
For example, you can say: “Let’s clean up when dad comes to make him happy, he loves order so much.” And you can, speaking about the same cleaning, emphasize that otherwise dad will swear. And to add that he already comes home from work angry, and here - "such a mess."
In general, it makes more sense to look at ourselves from the outside more often and think about how certain of our words and actions can be perceived by children, what lesson they will learn from them, what memory we will leave about ourselves. Years will pass, children will understand and re-evaluate a lot. What will the grown child then tell about how his mother treated loved ones?
It is important for a child to see and copy the mother's respectful treatment of elders, especially the elderly. Unfortunately, this is by no means the norm now. You often come across the fact that children do not even know the basics of cultural behavior. The old woman drops something on the floor and picks it up herself, groaning. And it doesn’t occur to the grandson standing next to him to bend down to help her. Not because of laziness, but simply because he does not see an example at home and does not know how to behave in such a situation.
The magazine "Vinograd" (2009. January-February) published an interview with a daughter-in-law who wished to remain anonymous. According to the wisdom that shines through in her words (and from the text itself), it is clear that she already has quite a long life behind her shoulders. But now she recalls the first years of her marriage and, admitting that it was very difficult for her to get used to life in her mother-in-law's house, she explains: “You understand, someone else's house! What, can I sleep in a strange house, how much will fit into my lazy flesh ?! I cant! The mother-in-law has already got up, she washed herself ... So I'm younger, I have to get ahead of both my husband and her breakfast. It would be a shame for me for a young and healthy woman to lie down when the old mother-in-law walks outside the door. It's a shame to be lazy."
How many young women today think this way? But it is precisely this traditional attitude towards elders that forms the child's concept of hierarchy. And, in turn, it serves as a guarantee that the mother also has the right to count on respect from the younger ones.
What is our goal?
Now, as they say at the meetings, "on the second question": about what the mother actually achieves by behaving in one way or another. Sometimes a person either incorrectly defines the goal, or sees only one side of the coin. Therefore, he is discouraged and disappointed when faced with the consequences of his own actions.
Suppose a mother teaches a child to call her by her first name. She thinks it's original. And indeed, such an appeal, even with the current fashion for outrageousness, is not often seen. When she hears that in this way she deprives herself of her uniqueness in the eyes of the child, the woman will be quite surprised and, perhaps, even outraged. What kind of stupidity?! On the contrary, she is special! All children call their mothers in a standard way - “mother”, and she is Alena (Tanya, Natasha)! But this is only at the most cursory, superficial glance. If you dig deeper, it turns out that the originality of this approach is illusory. After all, mother is the only one for every person (although the word is the same for everyone). But Alain, Tanya and Natasha in the life of a child will be arbitrarily many.
This was also noticed by such an outstanding thinker as K.S. Lewis. He, as the well-known American culturologist and publicist Joseph Sobran writes in an article dedicated to Lewis “Happiness in the Home”, “was indignant at the unnecessary application of purely civil fictitious equality to the private situation in the family.” Parents who allow their children to call them by their first names “want to instill in the child a ridiculous view of their own mother as just one of their many fellow citizens, to deprive the child of the knowledge that every person knows and the feelings experienced by all people. They are trying to drag the faceless stereotypes of the collective into the more full-blooded and concrete world of the family... Equality, like political power, should never be applied praeter necesitatem (Latin for "unnecessarily". – T.Sh.)».
Or take the already mentioned "partnership" with the child. Mom does not want to grow old, but she wants to remain a girl almost until retirement. (Such mothers in our "theatre" classes, showing themselves, often even choose a girl doll with ponytails or pigtails.) But a girl can be treated patronizingly at best. What about respect for the mother?
And others subconsciously look for a “solid male hand” in a child, which for one reason or another they lack in life. And they allow their son not only to command himself, but also to flirt rudely. Surprisingly, now sometimes it is necessary to explain seemingly obvious things: what is absolutely unacceptable when a son slaps his mother on the backside, grabs her breasts. Not everyone now understands that these are signs of sexual disinhibition, which is very dangerous for the child's psyche, and instead of stopping such behavior, they giggle. And some adults (including the father of the child or those who are used to seeing something else on TV grandparents) can even provoke the boy, believing that a real man is growing in the family. But to expect respect from such "real" people is simply ridiculous. Especially if you indulge their "gallant courtship."
(Ending follows.)
I think that all parents dream that their children fulfill our requests, that they listen to our opinion and know that if we talk about something, then this is really useful and necessary information.
But very often we are faced with the fact that when we say something to a child, if he hears us, he very rarely reacts. And if he reacts, then for the tenth, hundredth time.
What to do? How to build such relationships so that children respect us and consider us an authority, listening to our opinion? We read the article obedient child in 10 steps.
1. Respect your child
No phrases like “You are so-and-so!”, “Only people like you!”, “How can you?!”, “Look at others!” and other things that may affect your child's personality.
The human brain is designed in such a way that if someone insults us, respect for this person automatically disappears, and it is almost impossible to hear and perceive the information that the person who insulted us says.
In fact, this is a protective function of the brain. If someone tells us something bad about us, we stop considering this person as an authority. And accordingly, all the value of his words for us disappears.
2. Be a source of interesting information
70% of interesting, informative, new and only 30% of corrections and some kind of moralizing.
It is very important that if you want you to become an authority for your child, and he really voluntarily listens to your opinion, you must keep up with the times. Your child must understand that he can turn to you in any situation, that you can always prompt, and that you have the information he needs.
If you see that his focus of attention is decreasing, know that you went too far in moralizing and in some information that is not very personal for him. Return again to interesting information, return to what will help you build your relationship with your child and, accordingly, naturally achieve obedience and respect for you.
3. Set an example, don't be groundless
It is very important that your words do not diverge from your actions.
I think that if you see any person who declares some very important truths to the public, but then you find out that he lives in a completely different way, your respect and trust in him will drop very sharply.
The same is happening with our children. If a mother tells for a very long time, with instructions, how bad it is to say bad words, and then the child sees that the mother, in a conversation with someone or on the street while driving, when she was cut off, uses these words, then he understands that not everyone, what mom or dad says is important, not everything should be followed because mom, telling me one thing, herself acts differently.
The classic situation is when parents smoke, and the child is told that smoking is not allowed. I'm not talking about the fact that you need to come and smoke a cigarette in front of him.
But if your child has grown to the age when he asks you: “Mom, is smoking bad?” you tell him: “Bad!”, if he asks: “Mom, do you smoke?”, then a much better effect will be to say: “You know, this is really a huge problem for me. I smoke - it's very bad. I have such and such consequences, and I really hope that you will never do this!”
4. Don't Ask Rhetorical Questions
A very common situation, which, unfortunately, I also encountered at the birth of my first child.
When we enter the room, and toys are scattered there again, or when we come to school, and there again the teacher says that he did not prepare for the lesson or did something wrong, or did not do his homework the way it was supposed to to do, and not because there was no time. And because he simply did not consider it necessary.
And the parent in such a situation begins to say: “How many times can I repeat to you!”, “When will this finally end?”, “I have already told you 180 times!”, “All children are like children, and you!”, “ Why are you behaving like this?”, “Will it ever end or will it not end?!”.
What should a small child answer when they come to him with such an offer? “Mom, you told me this already 25 times! For the 26th time, I realized that I would not do this again and this would not happen again!
But it's not real, is it?
Often, if a mother enters a room and it’s not cleaned there, and she starts to say: “Toys are scattered again, things are lying around in the closet again!”, She says all this at the same time, and collects it all herself. Because the child, focusing on these rhetorical questions that do not require an answer from him because he does not understand what to say, he skips all further information.
Not only that, he understands that mom can talk just for the sake of what to say. And again, our words become just a background for him. He only hears these first phrases, and further concentration of attention absolutely falls.
Much better, if you want to get things done, is to speak in clear and understandable sentences: “I want you to clean the room. I will be pleased, please do this and that!”
Don't be afraid that it will seem like authoritarian phrases. These are clear and understandable instructions for what we want to achieve from our children. If you say them politely, it is much clearer and much more realistic for children to figure out what their parents generally want from them.
I want to reveal another secret that the same formula will help women communicate better with their men, because very often, if we also begin to address our men with such rhetorical questions - how many times do you have to tell? - they just like the children, they do not hear us.
5. Don't expect the impossible
Do not demand that your child, after your first request, immediately follow all orders, tasks, and simply obey you after the very first word.
We are not soldiers, and our children are not soldiers either.
Moreover, I want to say that the brain of a small person up to 14 years old is for sure! - is arranged in such a way that if he is busy with something - he reads, he watches some kind of program, he draws something or he just sits and thinks about something - then his concentration to everything else drops very much.
Indeed, a child really doing something may not hear us. While this causes a very violent reaction in us, some kind of resentment, and in the end we repeat it once, a second time.
When we are already losing our temper and screaming, this irritating factor is very strong, the child shudders, reacts, starts to do something, and in the end it seems to us - a standard phrase for many mothers - “You only need to shout at you in order to you did it!"
It is much better if you see that your child is busy with something, go up and touch him. Such a tactile touch, a tactile appeal to the child immediately draws attention to you.
You come up, patted him on the shoulder or on the head, hugged him and said: “Please do this or that!” - the reaction to such an appeal will be much faster, much more willing, and the child will really understand what you want from him.
6. Don't manipulate your feelings
When a mother, trying to force a child to act in one way or another, wants to arouse pity in him, or, as we say, awaken conscience by telling him that “... dad has two jobs, I'm spinning like a squirrel in a wheel, still a little brother, don't you see how hard it is for us? Can't you do your elementary job - do your homework?
Unfortunately, very often this is all mixed with a feeling of guilt that parents try, perhaps even unconsciously, to arouse in a child, saying that “... we are doing this for you, dad, everything works so that you go to a good institute entered!"
What's happening? A small person cannot cope with a sense of guilt. He still does not understand this whole importance that dad goes to work so that he has something in the future. He lives here and now, he is not able to endure and somehow regret or somehow, perhaps, accept all the pain experienced by the parent, all the burden of his life or some questions.
And the child unconsciously begins to move away. His psyche begins to defend itself against what can destroy it. How is the psyche protected? Ignore, unwillingness to communicate, lack of any contact. When we ask, "How are you?" - "Fine!"
So if you want to get something out of your kids, tell them honestly and without too much emotion that "I need your help right now." "I would be very pleased if you could help me." "I can't do it without you now!" “If you can, I will be very grateful to you!”
Such things are much more effective than if we try to put pressure on pity and induce some kind of guilt from our children.
7. Don't use threats
Sometimes, if our children don’t do something right away, and time is running out, or we have repeated the tenth, twentieth time, many parents resort to threatening: “If you don’t do it now!” or “If you don’t shut up in the store right now, I don’t know what I’ll do to you!” “I’ll give you this ... Come home, you will get it from me!”
What happens? It turns out that children, who naturally should see guardianship, care and protection in their parents, begin to see us as a threat, and act out of fear.
I don't think any parent wants to have a relationship with their children based on fear. Because if the obedience of our children is based on fear, it always leads to only 2 things:
- This is that sooner or later there will be a rebellion, and at the age of 14 we will receive complete disregard, snapping, rudeness already on the part of children. It will seem to us - where do they come from? But this is all the spring that we squeezed with such threats, disrespect, some kind of aggressive behavior towards children.
- Or the second point - if we pressed hard, and our child was not so strong emotionally at this age, then we just broke him.
In this case, he will already respond not only to our threats and succumb to them, but also to the threats of any people on the street. He will not be able to stand up for himself because he will simply have this function of defending his opinion and his desires broken.
If you need to achieve something, it is better to offer cooperation, some other alternative to threats.
Let's say, "You do it now, mom can buy butter in the store, and we'll make cookies with you!" or “If you help me now, then I will be happy to collect toys together with you later and we can play something together!”
It's even better if we offer some kind of barter. For some reason, many people do not like this scheme, but in fact it is not scary that we offer our child a trip to the cinema or some gifts in return. It is important that in the end, if we have achieved what we want, the parent should focus not on the gift, but on what the child did.
He did some action, tell him: “I am so pleased!” "It was so great!" "You did it anyway." “You did so well—much better than I could have expected!”
If we act in this way, then over time the child will understand that it also gives him pleasure to please you, and no additional mechanisms will be needed.
8. Be grateful
Very often we take the good deeds of our children for granted, especially if they have already grown from a very early childhood.
In fact, it turns out that if he does something - a good mark, or he did something, or he himself folded the toys, made the bed - there is no reaction. The child sees the reaction from the parents only when he did something wrong.
What happens? The natural need of children is to please us. Why? Because through the reaction of parents to themselves, the child forms his attitude towards himself. Through this reaction, he is differentiated as a person. If he hears only negative from us, this feeling of being as a person - self-confidence, a desire to be good, an understanding that you are important to someone who loves you, it is not filled.
In the future, the child can fill this function in other places: on the street, in some company, where it will be easy for someone to say: “You are so good!” And then for this "Well done" he will be ready to do anything.
Therefore, thank your children, say thank you to them, and do not be afraid that this will be often.
I'm not talking about putting on a chair and clapping your hands for every spoonful of porridge eaten. But I'm talking about the fact that it's worth noticing the little things that our children do every day, because in fact, what seems ordinary to us is often hard work for another person.
9. Remember what you want to achieve
Always remember what you want to achieve by saying this or that phrase to your child. Ask yourself - what kind of reaction do I expect? Why am I going to say this now?
If you ask yourself about this, then in many cases you will understand that you are going to say this phrase solely in order to throw out your negativity, your irritation, your fatigue.
As we have already said before, doing this to a person who is younger than you, whose psyche is even more touching and much weaker than yours, is simply unacceptable.
Therefore, if you can always ask yourself this question, you will, I am sure, avoid very many conflict situations and say very many words that you would not like to say.
This formula sometimes seems just some pipe dream. It's a skill—the ability to ask yourself that question—it's really a skill. When you learn to do this, it will help you not only in communicating with your children. It will help you in communication at work, in communication with your husband.
Before each phrase, you can take a breath inside yourself and ask: “This reaction now - what will it lead to? What do I want to achieve?
Often this question, like a cold shower, relieves our irritation and we understand that at this stage we do not want to behave in the best way, which gives us the opportunity to choose the right strategy for behavior and communication with our children.
10. Don't expect perfect behavior from children.
Shouldn't we expect perfect behavior from our children? because we will never get it.
Our expectations will always lead to irritation, resentment and displeasure. Children in life, just like adults, will have their own stages, their own: 3, 7-8, 14 years old, when no matter how we behave, at some point they will say “No” all the time, they will snarl.
All we have to do at this moment is to love them, because when a person is good, it is very easy to love him. Especially we need love precisely when we do not the best deeds.
I am sure that in the life of every adult, if we are wrong, there will be at least one person who will always believe in us and say that “Yes, you are wrong. But I know that you are different. You are really good, and we will cope with all the difficulties!”
Therefore, I wish you to become just such people for your children, and then they will always respect you, not just listen, but hear and fulfill your requests and wishes with pleasure.
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