Do you need a second adopted child in your family? Adopted children - age features of adaptation

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Nowadays, many families are raising adopted children. The main reason for this is physical health spouses and their inability to have children of their own. In some cases, childlessness becomes real tragedy. In order to save the family and find the meaning of life, most steam is coming to adopt other people's children.

Taking on the upbringing of a child with medical contraindications, one must be prepared for some difficulties. Although children develop much faster in a family atmosphere than in an orphanage, parents are not always ready to raise a foster child, to create for him certain conditions, patronize. Sometimes, having adopted an adopted son or daughter to raise and discovering serious health problems, the spouses refuse the orphan, trying to relieve themselves of responsibility. This attitude is a cruel blow to the baby.

Features of the foster family

If you have adopted a foster child in a family, then preparation for important event the appearance of the baby was somewhat different than for other couples. His arrival was not accompanied by pregnancy and childbirth, but by long and exhausting adoption procedures. You realize that your son or daughter has biological parents, other relatives. Perhaps your child is completely different from you. He has a different eye color, hair, temperament and character. All these features are inherited by the child from his biological parents. He can grow restless, sociable, feel a constant craving for communication, and you have a calm, balanced character. In most families there is a distinction between children and parents, but in foster family it takes on a special dimension.

Presence of an adopted child in the family school age may create some difficulties. They have already learned certain stereotypes of behavior. He might not receive even the most basic care, perhaps he knows what hunger is. Many orphans have previously experienced violence from adults and peers. Psychological trauma V young age render a huge impact for further moral and mental development personality. In some cases, it is enough just to provide support and surround the child with love. You need to do what you would do for your own child. If care and attention do not contribute to the speedy return of behavior to normal, you should seek help from a specialist. A child psychiatrist can deal with mental trauma so that they do not lead to sad consequences.

Raising a foster child in a family is a responsible step. You need to be very sensitive to the child's psyche, then the baby will quickly become attached to new parents. He will feel great in a foster family. Sometimes such spouses and their children may find themselves in social isolation. This must be taken into account. Understanding and patience will help to cope with all temporary difficulties.

Raising foster children up to a year

Some couples are afraid to adopt a baby. At this age, it is almost impossible to create accurate forecast health status of the child in the future. Men and women do not think about the possibility birth defects in native children. This could help treat the adopted baby as if it were your own. Alas, the world is created in such a way that some parents abandon their seriously ill children. And few people decide to take on the upbringing of someone else's unhealthy child.

Psychologists recommend adopting children in infancy. In this case, the lag in development will be minimal. You need to understand what the child was deprived of in the orphanage. And he lacked parental warmth and care.

If a newborn is taken for upbringing, then he cannot have a lag and developmental delay. Features of care will be the same as those of the family that raised own baby from birth. Mom's responsibilities include proper care And frequent communication. Such a child will not differ in any way from his peers who are brought up by their own parents.

A baby around 6 months of age may have some developmental delays. They are accompanied by the following manifestations:

1. Limited motor activity, lack of concentration and unsmiling.

2. When treated by an adult, the reaction of the child may be delayed.

3. The baby reacts only to a certain impact. Revival does not occur on its own initiative.

4. No reaction to toys.

Each child has its own personality and development. When an adopted baby lags behind in formation from peers, you do not need to give up. You just need to give him more attention and communication. If the child rejoices at your appearance, calls out, is interested in the toys offered by you, then you are doing well. You are doing everything right. It is advisable to communicate more with the little one, to feed him in your arms.

Raising a foster child in a family older than six months implies the formation of a personal connection. It is necessary to determine the stage of its maturation. In orphanages, babies who are over 6 months old continue to be at the level of emotional communication. Then you need to behave with such a child, as with a six-month-old baby. Then it is desirable to move to the stage of situational business contact. It is recommended to start playing "Ladushki", "Magpie-Crow", "Horned Goat". If the baby resists, do not be upset and do not insist. You need to give him some time to get used to.

Raising foster children older than a year

The development of children older than one year has its own characteristics. These kids already know how to play with objects. They have good tactile development, but they are reluctant to contact with adults. The process of the game is alienated from communication. The baby may not respond to words and imitate your behavior. All this is a consequence mental delay development. There is a high probability of the absence of babble or its limited manifestation. Need to find mutual language with a child, offer him new games and toys, unobtrusively connect emotional contact. All actions should be gradual and delicate.

When raising an adopted child in a family, you need to praise him for good deeds and scold for the bad, like a native. If he did something wrong, show him what to do in this situation. Teach your child to repeat the words after you. If he fails, be patient and do not scold. Over time, he will learn. Show your child pictures, read a book. Have fun with him. Take pity on him when he's sick. Do not forget that happy children grow up in a happy family, regardless of whether it is native or adopted. If you create warm and harmonious relationship in the house, adopted child quickly catch up with their peers in development.

Adaptation of adopted children in a new family

Before you bring a foster child to live in your home, you need to study all the features of raising such children and decide if you can do it. A child is not a toy. You cannot take a child to live with you today and take it back tomorrow, because it is capricious, naughty and uncontrollable. You will become the cause of another betrayal, which will affect his attitude towards the world around him.

Before adopting, try to get to know the child well. Chat with educators. He will do everything to please his future parents. All children want to have a mom and dad.

Getting used to new parents will take more than a month. Spouses will also need time to adapt to changes in the family. If adopted child is not the firstborn, you need to equally share attention to all children. It is important that no one feels disadvantaged. It’s too early to talk about full adaptation when the baby is trying with all his might to please his new mom and dad. He may experience increased activity, because for a child this is such happiness.

The next period of adaptation will not be so rosy. Getting used to new environment. On the part of the child, a manifestation of character, rudeness, rudeness is possible. Observing the reaction of parents, he determines the boundaries of what is permitted. The couple needs to be patient and understanding. It should be calm to explain to the baby the inadmissibility of certain actions. Don't yell at him. Close your eyes to bad behavior also undesirable.

Bad behavior of the child can cause depression in the mother and self-doubt. In no case should children be told about the obligation to foster parents for being taken away from the orphanage and being in complete family. Such reproaches can cause hatred on the part of the child.

After finishing this difficult period a time of calm and goodwill will begin on the part of the adopted baby. He will begin to trust his parents and share his thoughts with them. The fear that mom and dad will betray him and leave him will begin to pass. Get used to the new way of life. Full adaptation of a foster child can last up to 5 years. The main thing is to stock up on love and patience, surround the child with affection and care.

The main problems in education

You need to prepare in advance for the problems that may arise when raising a foster child. First, you must make a decision about whether the baby should tell the truth about his adoption. The best option in this matter is the truth. If you decide to hide it, you need to weigh everything and make sure that the child does not learn anything from other sources. The accidental discovery of a secret is fraught with severe stress for him and a loss of trust in his parents.

If the baby has not forgotten his biological mom and dad, then perhaps he will compare them with you. In this contest, you will not win. Even heavy drinkers and completely uncaring for their offspring, they will remain the best for him. Perhaps he will try to find them. It is not recommended to give an unflattering description of his biological parents, otherwise the child will perceive you as enemies. Just humble yourself and continue to take care of your child.

Sometimes foster parents are faced with the problem of theft by a child who has reached school age. Theft can happen at home, at school, or at a store. You can't close your eyes to this. Calmly explain to your child why he misbehaved. To prevent such actions, try to provide the child with the most necessary things, but do not indulge.

At first, adopted children do not understand what can be taken and what not. In orphanages everything is common. Today you put on these shoes, and tomorrow they may be on another boy or girl. It is necessary to explain to the child that there are things that belong to him, but there is the property of another person. He can take his toys, clothes, shoes and use them whenever he wants. Other people's personal belongings must be inviolable, they are taken only with permission. The child will soon get used to this state of affairs.

Reaction of relatives to adoption

If you decide to adopt a child, the whole family and next of kin must accept the orphan as a full member. There is a possibility of a situation developing when the baby is simply ignored or treated unkindly. This must be crossed at the root. When you accept a child as a full member of the family, he will truly feel loved and happy.

Have a conversation with other relatives. Tell your parents, brothers, sisters about how important it is to make the baby feel like an outsider. In this case, it is better not to compromise. You have now become a mom and dad, caring for the well-being of the child should be a priority for you, as for all parents.

Adopted and natural children

Some families have both natural and adopted children. In such cases, rivalry, enmity and resentment between them is possible. It will not be difficult for children to find a reason to quarrel. It is desirable that each child knows their origin and, despite this, you treat each of them equally.

Differences can occur in both physical and intellectual sphere. If your native child studies well, but the adoptive one can hardly cope with school curriculum, then this difference will be negatively reflected in their relationship. Having a child with a physical disability will further exacerbate the situation. The adopted baby sees his difference from his brothers and sisters and feels like a stranger. If they surpass him in science or sports, then he may develop an inferiority complex.

Adoptive parents are encouraged to look for strengths and abilities in each of the children, regardless of whether the child is native or from orphanage. Education should be based on positive aspects character. Wise Mom always support your child and give him self-confidence.

At first, it will not be easy with an adopted boy or girl in the family, many difficulties will have to be overcome. Love, mutual understanding and patience will help you with this. When the problems of upbringing are left behind, you will have a child who is able to bestow you with his warmth and affection.

Raising children is a very responsible process that requires parents to be patient, to be demanding and loving, strict and affectionate at the same time. For children left without parental care, the possibility of being placed in a foster family is provided. What it is? What problems are to be faced? Let's figure it out together.

What is a foster family?

A child left without the care of mom and dad for one reason or another can be determined to live, study and educate in a specialized institution. However, the institutions of adoption and foster families are still considered preferable. Thanks to them, children have the opportunity to grow up in normal family receive the upbringing, love and care of parents.

Many people believe that an adopted child and an adopted child are one and the same; in everyday life, such concepts are considered identical. In fact, the rights and obligations of children and parents in such families have their own specifics, this should be taken into account when deciding to accept a child left without the guardianship of his father and mother into his family. The main features of the foster family:

Common Problems of Adopted Children

Foster parents should remember that when accepting a child from an orphanage or other institution of the appropriate profile, they may face a number of problems. If mom or dad is not ready to overcome difficulties through joint efforts, it is better for them to abandon the idea of ​​​​taking up a child.

Health status

The state of health of the adopted child should be asked in advance, carefully study the medical record, given that the information provided in it may be incomplete. Having adopted a minor into the family, it is recommended to organize a comprehensive examination for him in order to avoid serious problems with his health in the future.

During adaptation to the family, new living conditions and education, foster children experience severe stress. This often causes exacerbation of diseases chronic nature even if the disease had previously been in stable remission. In addition, children often get sick in the first months. colds- due to emotional overstrain and weakening of the immune system.

Psychological features

Children from prosperous families who have lost their parents due to the tragic death or untimely death of the latter from illnesses rarely end up in foster families - such kids, as a rule, have other relatives who are ready to take care of orphaned children. Foster parents should be prepared for the fact that a child from among social orphans will get into their family.

The main psychological trait of children from this category is distrust of others and a constant (not always conscious) fear of betrayal. At first, children usually show isolation and alertness. Aggression and other forms may be manifested antisocial behavior In this case, you will need the help of a psychologist.

Some children, on the contrary, show excessive sociability, try to please their new mom and dad in everything. In any case, it will take a lot of patience and try very hard to keep the relationship in new family became warm, friendly and trusting. If problems arise, you should immediately seek help from specialists.

Interaction with native children

If there are native children in the family, especially when the native child is the only one, one must be prepared for manifestations of jealousy and even aggression on his part. The decision to accept an orphan into a family must be discussed with your child, this can only be done with his consent.

It is important to explain that they will not stop loving their own child, they will get the same amount of love and care. Children must be taught to joint work, mutual assistance, praise and blame in accordance with their actions, and not the status in the family, evenly distributing both affection and attention.

Mutual understanding of the adopted child and new parents

Children are usually placed in foster families at a conscious age; for infants and infants, the institution of adoption is preferable (besides, the chances of finding adoptive parents for them are much higher). To build rapport with an adopted child, new parents should be aware that the following qualities will be required:

Who should adopt a foster child?

Psychologists recommend taking adopted children into the family only on the condition that all relatives and close friends share and support the aspirations of the married couple. Mom and dad should have experience interacting with children, that is, spouses who have their own or adopted children, who are guardians or work (worked) with social orphans are optimally suited.

Adaptation of the adopted child in the family

Many adoptive parents make common mistake: when a child is adopted into a family, literally all relatives, friends and acquaintances meet him. The child is already experiencing severe stress, and the crowd strangers in an unfamiliar place simply plunges him into a state of shock. Psychologists recommend gradual adaptation.

According to statistics for 2016, more than 148 thousand children from orphanages were brought up in foster families. Five thousand of them returned to the orphanage. Women who abandoned foster children, what it is like to be the mother of a non-native child and what prompted them to make a difficult decision.

Irina, 42 years old

A daughter was brought up in Irina's family, but she and her husband wanted a second child. Spouse by medical indications could no longer have children, the couple decided to adopt. There was no fear, because Irina worked as a volunteer and had experience in dealing with refuseniks.

- I went against the wishes of my parents. In August 2007, we adopted a one-year-old Misha from the house. The first shock for me was the attempt to rock him. Nothing worked, he rocked himself: he crossed his legs, put two fingers in his mouth and rocked from side to side. Later I realized that the first year of Misha's life in the orphanage became lost: the child did not form an attachment. Children in the baby house are constantly changing nannies so that they do not get used to it. Misha knew that he was adopted. I conveyed this to him carefully, like a fairy tale: I said that some children are born in the stomach, while others are born in the heart, so you were born in my heart.

Irina admits that little Misha constantly manipulated her, was obedient only for the sake of profit.

- In kindergarten, Misha began to change into women's clothes and masturbate in public. He told the teachers that we do not feed him. When he was seven, he told my eldest daughter that it would be better if she had not been born. And when we forbade him to watch cartoons as a punishment, he promised to kill us.

Misha was seen by a neurologist and a psychiatrist, but no medication worked on him. At school, he disrupted lessons and beat his peers. Irina's husband ran out of patience and filed for divorce.

- I took the children and went to Moscow to work. Misha continued to do nasty things on the sly. My feelings for him were in constant disarray: from hatred to love, from the desire to kill to heartbreaking pity. All my chronic diseases have worsened. The depression set in.

According to Irina, Misha could have stolen money from his classmates and spent the funds allocated to him for lunch in a slot machine.

- It happened to me breakdown. When Misha returned home, in a state of passion, I slapped him a couple of times and pushed him so that he had a subcapsular rupture of the spleen. They called an ambulance. Thank God no surgery was needed. I was scared and realized that I had to abandon the child. Would I break down again? I don't want to go to jail, I still eldest daughter lift up. A few days later I came to visit Misha in the hospital and saw him in a wheelchair (he could not walk for two weeks). She returned home and cut her veins. My roommate saved me. I spent a month in a psychiatric clinic. I have severe clinical depression and take antidepressants. My psychiatrist forbade me to communicate with the child in person, because all treatment after that goes down the drain.

After nine years of living in the family, Misha returned to Orphanage. A year and a half later, legally, he is still the son of Irina. The woman believes that the child still does not understand what happened, he sometimes calls her and asks to buy something for him.

- He has such consumer attitude to me, as if calling a delivery service. After all, I don’t have a division - mine or adopted. For me, everyone is family. It's like I've cut off a piece of myself.

After what happened, Irina decided to find out who Misha's real parents were. It turned out that he had schizophrenics in his family.

- He is a nice boy, very charming, dances well, and he has a developed sense of color, he chooses clothes well. He dressed my daughter for prom. But this is his behavior, heredity crossed everything out. I firmly believed that love is stronger than genetics. It was an illusion. One child destroyed my entire family.

Svetlana, 53 years old

There were three children in Svetlana's family: her own daughter and two adopted children. The two elders left to study in another city, and the youngest adopted son, Ilya, stayed with Svetlana.

- Ilya was six when I took him to me. According to the documents, he was absolutely healthy, but soon I began to notice oddities. I'll make a bed for him - the next morning there is no pillowcase. I ask, where are you going? He does not know. For his birthday, I gave him a huge radio-controlled car. The next day, one wheel was left of her, and she doesn’t know where everything else is.

After several examinations by a neurologist, Ilya was diagnosed with absence epilepsy. The disease is characterized by short-term blackouts of consciousness.

- All this could be dealt with, but at the age of 14, Ilya began to use something, what exactly - I never found out. He started freaking out more than before. Everything in the house was broken and broken: the sink, sofas, chandeliers. If you ask Ilya who did it, there is only one answer: I don’t know, it’s not me. I asked him not to use drugs. She said: finish the ninth grade, then you will go to study in another city, and we will part on a good note. And he: “No, I won’t leave here at all, I’ll bring you.”

After a year of quarrels with her adopted son, Svetlana ended up in the hospital with nervous exhaustion. Then the woman decided to abandon Ilya and returned him to the orphanage.

- A year later, Ilya came to me for new year holidays. He asked for forgiveness, said that he did not understand what he was doing, and that now he does not use anything. Then he went back. I don’t know how guardianship works there, but he returned to live with his own alcoholic mother. He already has his own family, a child. His epilepsy never went away, sometimes he gets weird over little things.

Evgenia, 41 years old

Evgenia adopted a child when her own son it was ten. That boy was abandoned by previous adoptive parents, but despite this, Evgenia decided to take him into her family.

- The child made the most positive impression on us: charming, modest, smiling shyly, embarrassed and quietly answering questions. Later, as time passed, we realized that this was just a way to manipulate people. In the eyes of those around him, he always remained a miracle child, no one could believe that there were real problems in communicating with him.

Evgenia began to notice that her adopted son was lagging behind in physical development. Gradually, she began to learn about his chronic diseases.

- The boy began his life in our family by telling a lot about his previous guardians scary stories, as it seemed to us at first, quite truthful. When he was convinced that we believed him, he somehow forgot what he was talking about (a child, after all), and it soon became clear that he simply made up most of the stories. He constantly dressed up as girls, in all games he took female roles, climbed under the covers to his son and tried to hug him, walked around the house, lowering his pants, answered the comments that he was so comfortable. Psychologists said that this is normal, but I could not agree with this, after all, my boyfriend is also growing.

While in the second grade, the boy could not count to ten. Evgenia is a teacher by profession, she constantly studied with her son, they managed to achieve positive results. But communication between mother and son did not go well. The boy lied to the teachers about being bullied at home.

- We got a call from the school to understand what was going on, because we have always been in good standing. And the boy just felt good weak spots those around him and, when he needed to, beat them. He simply brought my son to hysteria: he said that we did not love him, that he would stay with us, and that his son would be sent to an orphanage. He did it on the sly, and for a long time we could not understand what was happening. As a result, the son, secretly from us, hung out in computer clubs, began to steal money. We spent six months to bring him home and bring him to his senses. Its OK now.

The son brought Evgenia's mother to a heart attack, and ten months later the woman gave her adopted son to rehabilitation center.

- With the advent of the adopted son, the family began to fall apart before our eyes. I realized that I was not ready to sacrifice my son, my mother for the sake of a ghostly hope that everything would be fine. The fact that he was sent to a rehabilitation center, and then they wrote a refusal, the boy was absolutely indifferent. Maybe he's just used to it, or maybe some human feelings have atrophied in him. New guardians were found for him, and he left for another region. Who knows, maybe things will work out there. Although I don't really believe in it.

Anna (name changed)

- My husband and I could not have children (I have incurable problems in the female part) and took the child from the orphanage. When we took it, we were 24 years old. The child was 4 years old. He looked like an angel. At first, they could not get enough of him, he was so curly, well-built, smart, compared to his peers from the orphanage (it's no secret that children in the orphanage develop poorly). Of course, we did not choose on principle who is prettier, but this child clearly had a soul. Almost 11 years have passed since then. The child has turned into a monster - GENERALLY does not want to do anything, steals money from us and from classmates. Visits to the director have become a tradition for me. I don’t work, I dedicated my life to the child, I spent all the time with him, I tried to be a good, fair mother ... it didn’t work out. I told him the word - he told me "go to ***, you are not my mother / yes you are ***** / yes, what do you understand in my life." I don't have the strength anymore, I don't know how to influence him. My husband has retired from education, he says that I should figure it out myself, because (I quote) “I am afraid that if I start talking to him, I will hit him.” In general, I saw no way out but to give it back. And yes. If this was my child, dear, I would have done exactly the same.

Natalia Stepanova

- Little Slavka fell in love with me right away. lonely and shy kid stood out from the crowd of children in social center helping children. We took him on the first day we met. However, two weeks later the alarm was sounded. Outwardly calm and kind boy suddenly began to show aggression towards pets. First, Slava hung the newborn kittens in the kitchen, after wrapping them with wire. Then small dogs became the object of his attention. As a result, at least 13 ruined lives were on the account of the juvenile murderer. When the series of these cruel acts began, we immediately turned to child psychologist. At the reception, the specialist reassured us and advised us to devote more time to Slava and make it clear that we love him. We met halfway and in the summer went to the village, away from bustling city. But there the situation got even worse. At the next consultation, the psychologist explained to us that Slavka needed specialized help. And since I am in a position, we decided that it would be better to send our son back to the orphanage. We hoped to the last that the boy's aggression would soon pass, and with it the desire to kill. The last straw of patience was the three bodies of torn puppies. Like a horror movie script Once again taking advantage of the absence of adults, the baby single-handedly brutally beat the quadrupeds to death.

The article is based on a clinical case. From the story of the parents - the adopted child does not obey:

“Vasya was two years old when we adopted him. Now he is seven. He was a healthy, cheerful kid, we immediately liked him. We have been trained in parenting by adoptive parents. All was good. The problems started when he went to kindergarten. Didn't want to go there, threw tantrums, stubborn. Then he began to steal other children's toys and bring them home. I hid these toys under the mattress. How embarrassing in front of the parents of these children!

They made him apologize! Had to search it every time they took it from kindergarten. He did not listen to what they asked, he did everything the other way around. He even stained his clothes on purpose. We talked to him in an amicable way, but he does not understand. They put me in a corner, punished me with a belt sometimes. Lost the computer. He doesn't care, he even began to steal and hide food.

Now I'm in first grade. Stole money, stole it from the closet. I bought sweets and ate them. We figured out for a long time where he put the money, we had to beat the words out of him with a belt. Found chocolate wrappers - hid at the table. Then they believed that they spent it on sweets. He also steals from shops. He does not want to study at school, he is rude to the teacher, he shows aggression towards other children. The teacher caught him and a boy from the senior class with a cigarette. He's only seven, and he already smokes! And already a thief! What to do? We can't handle it!"

Families and adopted children - is there a difference? Why there are problems raising foster children

When a woman gives birth to her child, she does not know what it will be, she does not choose either sex or mental features baby. Naturally, a child is born as it is, and a woman has a maternal instinct for him. This natural mechanism, it is necessary for the preservation of offspring in both animals and humans.

In the presence of maternal instinct, the life of the baby is evaluated by the mother as a priority over her own life. The mother takes care of the child, invests the best in him and unconsciously does not expect a return from him. They love their own child, no matter what he is and no matter what he has done.

When adopting, people can choose the child themselves. When people adopt, they are guided by their own mind and preferences. Choose the one you like. Those who do not like it are not taken, and if they are adopted, then with the aim of making him one that they would like. There is no maternal instinct for adopted children. Consciously adoptive parents do everything for the baby, but something may not go the way they want. If, in the presence of maternal instinct, the mother naturally aimed by nature at giving the child everything she has, even own life, then a different attitude is formed towards foster children.

When adopting, the natural mechanism of the priority of the child over the parents does not work. Everything is planned by nature correctly, because the future is children who must survive and get all the best so that the human species continues to exist and develop. Therefore, a mother is ready to give her life for her child. Adoptive parents act differently.

The very best motives can push people out of the orphanage. Some cannot give birth to their child and take it into the family to love him as his own. So that there is someone to transfer the family business, the inheritance. Others want to give a destitute, abandoned child a home out of compassion. One way or another, people act from their desire, that is, from their unconscious egoistic desire, which they are not aware of. And this means that they perform an action with the expectation of a return, that is, a receipt. Give in order to receive in return. There is no unconscious regulation between adopted children and parents, as happens with a native baby through maternal instinct. Adoptive parents are guided by their minds, which may be wrong.

Own children can delight in achievements - excellent study, obedience, help, success in sports. But they may not please, but rather upset. Nevertheless, they remain their own, and even if the son is a juvenile thief and criminal, the mother will protect him and justify him.

From the adopted child, we expect returns. This is an internal attitude, and it is unconscious. It turns out me: "I to you, and you to me." If the adopted baby does not live up to expectations, behaves badly, then the parents do not get what they want unconsciously. Not receiving the desired obedience and development of an adopted child, parents punish him in a way that they would not do with their own children. The unconscious expectation of return from the adopted baby makes the relationship with him very difficult. Therefore, there are so many problems in raising foster children - they can start stealing, showing aggression, expressing protest different ways. It is not uncommon for parents to return a child back to an orphanage because they could not cope with it.

Seven-year-old Vasya was beaten, humiliated in front of the public, punished. Parents acted so involuntarily, because even their own children are often punished and beaten. In the same case, the child became so uncontrollable that the parents turned to a psychiatrist for help.

How to solve the psychological problems of raising a foster child in this family?

Any child, natural or adopted, needs a sense of security and safety, and Vasya is no exception. This is necessary for the development of his psyche. The kid unconsciously feels that the parents, first of all, the mother, preserve his life and health, including mental balance. This means that he can develop calmly and subsequently begin to maintain himself on his own when he is mentally mature for the puberty period.

The psyche develops adolescence, and until that time, the child manifests itself as not yet mature, not an adult. You can't ask him like an adult. As they did with Vasya - “steals”. He didn't steal. Vasya, being deprived of a sense of security and safety, was forced to preserve himself, that is, mentally he had to behave like an adult with an immature psyche.

So there are delays in the development of the psyche - both in foster children and in native children. The difference is that the adopted child does not initially receive a sense of security and safety based on maternal instinct. If a native child loses security and safety when he is shouted at, beaten, humiliated, then the same actions at the adoptive Vasya aggravated his developmental delays more and more. That's why wrong upbringing foster children, ignorance of the psychological nuances and peculiarities of raising adopted children can lead a family to disastrous consequences.

There will be no maternal instinct for an adopted child. But it is possible to create an emotional connection with him. It's sensual confidential communication. You can start by reading bedtime stories.

Emotional connection will allow you to create and maintain strong relationships with a child for life. And reading bedtime stories, joint family reading is the education of feelings, the key to the future ability of a child to perceive the world as beautiful, to see the beauty of the soul of another person, to create happy pair relationships.

The tradition of the common family table strengthens relationships. When people share the pleasure of food and at the same time share their sensual experiences about something, this brings them even closer. Joint dinners should be in all families, and not only where a foster child is brought up.

For right upbringing adopted child, as well as in order to avoid problems in the upbringing of both adopted and native children, it is necessary to know the characteristics of their psyche. The baby is born with predetermined abilities. According to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, the psyche consists of parts (vectors), there are eight in total. This means that the child already has some of the eight innate vectors that make up his psyche. Each vector is endowed with its own special properties and talents.

They are in their infancy and need to be developed. In the process of development, the child himself, by his behavior, shows where the mistakes of upbringing are made. Vasya did this many times. Theft is a sign that a child is physically punished, who from a small thief is able to develop into a talented engineer, manager, representative of the law.

Feeling of safety and security emotional connection, family traditions, proper development according to innate properties (vectors), it will allow solving problems in the upbringing of not only the adopted Vasya, but also his own child, too.

How to avoid problems when adopting a child and raising him in a foster family?

First of all, it is necessary to realize that by adopting a child, we take responsibility for his life upon ourselves. He needs to feel. When parents stand over him, like strict censors, ready at any next moment to punish him for not living up to what is invested in him, this is the path to parenting problems and developmental delays in the adopted child.

The question arises: how to choose a child for adoption? This, from which parents have nothing to get, but you can only invest in it - you can adopt. It's about physical disabilities. Those children who cannot please us with achievements in anything, even grandchildren. Thus, adoptive parents deliberately put themselves in a situation where they will only invest in the development of the baby and will not expect anything in return for it. Unconsciously it will work and it right choice. Mentally ill children cannot be adopted - they can be patronized, but not taken into the family.

When a child is adopted deceased relative, the mechanism of giving back to the child and its priority over the parents also works. Such a child is unconsciously perceived as his own, he can and should be adopted.

To learn more about raising children according to their innate abilities, start studying the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. Register for free lectures here.

The article was written using the materials of Yuri Burlan's online trainings " System-Vector Psychology»
Chapter:

Not all married couples can have children, so the only way to experience the joy of motherhood and fatherhood is to adopt a baby. Raising a child in a foster family difficult process, associated with psychological difficulties for both parents and for the adopted baby himself.

Psychologists identify three stages of child adaptation:

1. Acquaintance;
2. Return to the past;
3. Addictive.

Eight tips for new parents are given on how to make the baby's adaptation in a new family as quick and soft as possible.

First days in a new home

When all bureaucratic formalities are settled and a happy family rejoices at replenishment, then parents need to be extremely attentive and courteous with a new family member. In the first days and weeks, the baby may show oddities, they should not be considered any kind of deviation. This is a normal adaptation to new conditions, do not take these oddities as a deviation from the norm, and even more so scold the child for them.

Separation from the environment familiar to the child and a sharp change in routine often lead to anxiety, loss of appetite, sleep disturbance, inadequate reactions to words and actions appear. foster parents.

Features of education in boarding schools and the imprint on the child's psyche

In boarding schools, orphanages and other institutions of this type, children are usually treated impersonally, while their individuality and desire to express themselves are suppressed in every possible way. This is necessary for the development of discipline, strict accustoming to the rules and norms existing in the institution.

Another problem of orphanages is practically complete absence men. They do not take part in education, and excessive female tenderness can be bad for character development. This is especially true for boys who need a firm male hand when raising them..

How can you help your child adjust to a new environment?

1. Find out what daily routine the baby had before moving to your family. Try not to change this daily routine much, give your child liberties for a while. For example, if he went to bed later than everyone else, at 11 pm, then give him such an opportunity at home.
2. Take an interest in food preferences, what the child liked to eat most of all. Do not insist if the baby does not want to eat foods that you think are familiar. For example, white bread. Who knows, maybe during the years of stay in the boarding school, the baby ate bread for several years to come, since there were no other products. Treat adopted children with indulgence, at least temporarily. Do not immediately show your parental ambition.
3. Do not overload the child emotionally; in the first couple of weeks of the move, noisy banquets and feasts regarding the replenishment of the family will be superfluous. Let the baby get used to the new environment, it is better to introduce him to his friends and relatives later. It is better to organize an evening of acquaintances gradually, do not invite a large number of guests straightaway.
4. It will be superfluous to buy a child a lot of toys at once and expect wild delight from him. It is better to ask in the institution where he was, one or two of the baby's favorite toys. They will create a feeling of familiarity and pleasantness, together with a toy it will be much easier to adapt to a new home.
5. Eliminate all sources of harsh sound from the house, remove sources strong odor. Strongly smelling perfumes, loud music, too odorous plants will be superfluous.
6. If the child really liked something in your house - for example, playing on the computer or homemade cakes, then you should not satiate the child with this particular product or entertainment. There must always be moderation in everything, it’s not worth compensating the child for a couple of weeks for all the hardships which he endured all his life in the boarding school.
7. Conduct cognitive loads moderately. It is not necessary for the first month of the child's stay in a new family to try to show him everything at once. For a child's psyche, it can be detrimental to receive immediately a large number pleasures. The same goes for new information. If the baby has obvious gaps in knowledge, then you should not load him with the study of encyclopedias and demand knowledge of everything at once.
8. You should not hope for instant emotional attachment that the child will immediately become the same as if he grew up with you all his life. There may be tears, bouts of crying with tantrums, indifference, detachment. All this is a normal process of getting used to a new family, getting used to a new home.

The most important thing for the process of adaptation to a new home is to be with the child as much as possible. Look into his eyes, communicate more, try to set him on a trusting wave in a conversation. Speak on topics that are interesting to him, do not scold for rude words, obscene vocabulary. Just then try to convince the child that you need to slowly wean yourself from old life get used to normal communication.

Three stages of adaptation of a child to a new family

The transfer of a child to a foster family is carried out at once, but the process of getting used to it can take years. Much here depends on the age of the baby, his character, the ability of adoptive parents to create morally comfortable conditions for life.