How to create a happy and strong family? How to build a happy family. Interview with psychologist Olga Ladia

Do you think ideal family relationships exist? What is meant by this concept? Who among us would not like to live in a happy family... But not everyone knows how to properly build and improve family relationships. In the 90s. D.S. Wallerstein, a member of the American Psychological Association, conducted an interesting study. Usually, scientists study unhappy, dysfunctional and asocial families up and down, but he went the other way: he chose 50 happy married couples and decided to find out how their union differs from the rest. By the way, the criterion for selection was not the "facade", but the subjective satisfaction of both spouses with their life together. Indeed, who, like them, knows if they are happy in marriage ...

All of them were officially married for more than 9 years, had at least one child and spoke of their family as happy. By the way, these couples belonged to different social strata, their material wealth sometimes differed significantly. And in general, these were ordinary people who sometimes doubted their choice, sometimes got tired of each other and did not look at their partner through rose-colored glasses at all ... But still they respected and supported each other, tried to establish family relationships.

It turns out like L. Tolstoy: "All happy families are alike." D.S. Wallerstein found a certain “common denominator” common to all these families, and deduced the rules for a happy marriage:

The advice seems to be quite simple, but this is what captivates ... In addition, this apparent simplicity has a serious scientific background! That is, ideal family relationships are not a gift of fate, but the result of long and painstaking work. To establish family relationships, it will take a lot of mental strength for the right actions, kind words, gentle hugs ... Yes, it's not easy. Remember the line from the movie Sleepless in Seattle: "Marriage can be a difficult ordeal if there is no great feeling." But you have it, don't you? Otherwise, you would not have gotten married ... So, you will build the kind of relationship that you want.

Some put the equality of partners at the forefront, other families are based on authoritarian principles, but without mutual respect and joint discussion of the accumulated problems, a harmonious marriage cannot be built. Often spouses have different views, interests and moral attitudes, do not match in character, have a diametrically opposite temperament, but loving people can overcome all these obstacles.

The practical psychology of relationship building is essentially concerned with the study of people's life strategies that lead them to various outcomes: life satisfaction, success or failure. Such strategies stand out, among other things, in the field of family relations. There are three constructive strategies that are helpful in building a spouse relationship. If you adhere to these directions, or, in any case, see these guidelines, family relations will develop favorably.

Marriage strategy

The first principle of building relationships is the acceptance of the partner's value system as equivalent to one's own.

We identify our value system with our culture, with our vision of family life, and it seems to us the only correct one. However, it is only one of many possibilities. The partner's ideas can be no worse, and in any case, they are no less valuable than ours.

Such an idea is quite difficult to accept both in vital matters and in small things. Relationship building principles usually deal with people's core values. What can you do if you want to earn money, are extramarital affairs of spouses acceptable, what boundaries of self-disclosure will be appropriate, how important is it for a partner to have moral qualities that seem important to me - these and similar questions are decided by every person who is in a long-term relationship, marriage. However, questions are not always put so globally. More often, it is small everyday habits that personify for us the difference in life approaches, become a stumbling block. For example, it can be incredibly difficult for a woman who believes that the whole family should eat breakfast together, it is incredibly difficult to accept that her husband's ideas that it is better for everyone to have breakfast quickly and alone also have a right to exist. In her opinion, a joint breakfast is “good”, which means that it should be the only way.

When building a relationship between a man and a woman, your partner's system of life and values ​​is just as important as yours. Devaluation or criticism of this system, attempts to break through it often lead to disastrous results.

Building a happy relationship between a man and a woman

The second strategy for building a happy relationship is to openly discuss the differences in the views of the spouses.

Usually, spouses understand that they are different, but they cannot accurately answer the question of what exactly distinguishes them. As a rule, there is confusion among partners: who wants what, who wants what. This is often due to insufficient discussion of these issues in the family, in other words, people simply avoid talking about difficult topics. Add to this “mind reading” and the expectation that you will be understood without words, and the picture is ready.

In every area there is a whole tangle of problems, and there are many more such areas: children, entertainment, work, health, holidays, family traditions and much more. When building strong relationships, an open discussion of these issues in combination with the first strategy (accepting the spouse's world view as equal) leads to more harmonious family ties.

What to do if there is an understanding in what exactly the views of the spouses differ? After all, disagreements will not disappear by themselves just because they are named.

An accurate understanding and statement of the problem with the right building of relationships is only the beginning of the path. To go further, a third strategy is needed.

Building harmonious interpersonal relationships between spouses and children

The third strategy for building harmonious relationships is the formation of unique rules in the family.

No model brought by spouses (wife or husband) can, and in a healthy situation should not, be accurately reproduced in a new family. The new family is a new community that must develop for itself new laws and rules that can satisfy both. When building interpersonal relationships, new, unique rules that take into account the characteristics of your family are something like an unspoken constitution that is suitable for life in your microstate. In fact, this is a system of compromises and new solutions, which must equally satisfy the requirements of all its participants.

In fact, most spouses consider it a good decision to impose their picture of the world on their spouse (after all, this picture is the best!).

The crisis of the family, when it becomes clear who will do what, who will be responsible for what, who will provide what support to whom, is considered not passed if new relationships have not been born, that is, the relationship is stuck at the stage of claims and has not moved anywhere further. In family relations, during a crisis, the family faces both difficulties and new opportunities. If these opportunities are used, family members can move to a new level of closeness, unity and understanding. If not, then there is a real danger of breaking the relationship.

Let's take as an example the relationship between parents and children in a family. Suppose that a husband and wife have diametrically opposed views on a number of fundamental aspects of education. Let's try to simulate the successful outcome of this conflict, when neither side is the victim.

The main setting that will help in the process of negotiating spouses when building relationships in the family is this: differences do not make us irreconcilable enemies, but only enrich our couple. With the help of my spouse, I can see those nuances of life that are inaccessible to me, consider other life opportunities.

This setting in building family relationships can be imagined as an image of people touching each other with their backs. In this position, they, as a couple, have a much greater range of vision: they can see what is behind them - through the eyes of another. Two people with opposing views can significantly enrich each other's world if they approach this from a position of opportunity, and not with a hostile attitude, to convince and rebuild the "wrong" views of the partner.

Suppose the husband believes that the child should be brought up in a children's team so that he learns to communicate with other children. And he offers to send the child to kindergarten. And the wife is sure that mass education destroys creativity and adversely affects the child's soul due to insufficient individual attention to the child. And she intends to educate and educate the child at home, herself. How could such a situation be fruitful, in terms of family relationships, and beneficial for the child? Let's look at a few steps that couples can go through in order to reach a mutually satisfying solution.

The first stage of relationship building between spouses in a family: try to really penetrate each other's logic. They sincerely listen to the arguments, try to understand which of the arguments are more important for the partner, and which are secondary. They get to know each other more deeply, which will help them not only understand each other better, but also give a sense of sincerity and depth of relationship. In the process of talking about each other's values ​​and preferences, they can learn each other's personal stories that have influenced their judgment. By itself, this process tunes the interlocutors to each other, makes it clear that any judgment has a history, and it is as valuable for a person as your judgment is for you. In the process of a sincere conversation, the interlocutor should have the feeling that his opinion is important, that the partner really wants to understand him. So you start building not walls, but bridges.

The second stage of the relationship in marriage: spouses define critical moments. For example, a wife categorically refuses to take her child to a public kindergarten, and her husband is against 100% home education. This is how the first points of contact are indicated: the wife is ready to consider alternatives (temporary stay groups), and the husband is ready to admit that a few hours of communication a day is enough for a child to develop social skills. The positions of the spouses at this stage are no longer so irreconcilable.

The third stage of interpersonal relations of spouses and children: development of a common solution. For example, a child is assigned to a private kindergarten for three days a week.

A decision was made, which, most likely, is good for the child, as it implies a more flexible position, the rejection of categoricalness (“only a garden!” Or “only at home!”). The child gets more opportunities than with a one-sided solution. So the couple made a decision based on a broader view. The spouses are satisfied, as both feel that they are heard and their arguments are taken into account when making a joint decision.

In addition, on the example of this contradiction, the child can observe a model of how to negotiate with loved ones, and this helps him develop a more constructive character.

There are many issues related to raising children, and for most of them you can find a solution that suits both parents. But in any kind of relationship building, the spouses must abandon the position: I will be satisfied only when everything is exactly, in my opinion.

If a man and a woman do not go beyond carnal and economic relations, then their marriage cannot be considered successful. Such families, as a rule, go through 4 stages of relationships: hunger, satiety, satiety and disgust. Hunger is a strong mutual attraction when a man and a woman spend almost all the time together. At this initial stage, they almost do not notice each other's shortcomings. The hungry are ready to eat everything. But gradually saturation occurs, and the ardor of the first love weakens. Then saturation smoothly turns into satiety, when the partner's virtues are already taken for granted, and the shortcomings become more obvious. So marriage enters a critical stage. If this process is not stopped, the relationship can go into a phase of disgust and collapse.
Divorce statistics in Russia - 68%. This means that most married couples have reached the phase of mutual disgust. What to do to prevent a sad ending?
The paradox is that everyone would like to have strong families, but in ignorance they do what inevitably leads to the destruction of relationships, even if the family formally continues to exist. Often the reason for the breakdown of relationships is incompatibility for many factors. Finding the perfect partner is difficult, but the basis of compatibility is the same idea of ​​happiness standards and common ideals. This helps to neutralize problems in the material sphere. In addition, the husband and wife often simply do not understand what the partner expects, and then they are surprised at insults and scandals. What are mutual expectations?

The husband expects from his wife:
- Attractiveness and cleanliness;
- Loyalty and respect;
- Cleanliness and order in the house;
- Accepting most of the responsibility for children;
- Affectionate speech and obedience;
- Ability to cook delicious food;
- Consent to live within the family budget.

A wife expects from her husband:
- Loyalty;
- Responsibility;
- Financial and emotional support;
- Help around the house and in raising children;
- Interesting communication;
- Encouragement, inspiration, gratitude.

If the partners' expectations are not justified, conflicts arise. A woman, as a more emotionally sensitive being, has the role of a conductor of family relations. In Vedic times, long before marriage, girls were taught loyalty and humility, the spirit of service, the art of cooking and housekeeping. This was considered the basis of education for the future wife. That is, first a good character was formed, and then knowledge was given. Today it's the other way around. Education comes down to a set of information that is practically unable to save a family from a crisis if the partners do not have the appropriate spiritual qualities.
Often women accuse their husbands of infidelity, drunkenness, unwillingness to spend time in the family, etc. But if you look deeper into the anatomy of the crisis, it often turns out that the wife herself, not understanding her husband's expectations, creates these problems with her attitude. For example, for a husband, his wife is an object of aesthetic pleasure. But if, after marriage, the wife begins to neglect her appearance, it is not surprising that the husband begins to look at other women. Being beautiful is the duty of a woman, and if she neglects it, who is to blame? According to the Vedas, a woman should look very attractive at home for her husband, and go out in public in a more modest way so as not to disturb the feelings of other men. Now it's the opposite again. At home, the wife walks around at random, not thinking what kind of spectacle she is for her husband, and she goes out into the street like a beauty contest. This is the root of many future problems.

Each family is its own unique world, which lovers build themselves. But even when you yourself decide what is important in your family and what is not, when you yourself set priorities in your family and build relationships with each other, there are always certain rules that must be followed in order not to go into dissonance with human nature, to which our relations are subject.

Rules for a happy family relationship

1. Love is trust

Many couples, creating a family, begin to limit each other's freedom. So, if before the wedding a man could linger with friends after work and relax with them, and a woman could go to meet her friends, then after the wedding, the spouses begin to limit each other in this and similar hobbies. This causes quarrels and protests, as it is perceived as a restriction of freedom, it is especially difficult for men, who, as a rule, have more opportunities to lead the same way of life. There should be no such restrictions in family relationships, everyone should trust the partner and remember that each person remains an individual.

At the same time, we must say that if the spouses do not change their lifestyle and do not prioritize the development of their family, then family relations will be rather shaky.

2. Know how to forgive

3. Learn to negotiate

In conflicts, spouses often begin to play a game called "silence", this game lasts until someone takes the blame or loses patience by throwing a fight. Of course, it is not for nothing that there is a saying “darlings scold - they only amuse themselves”, and in some cases this is true, but not when it is a method of showdown. Such behavior should not be a pattern and a rule in a family, otherwise resentment will inevitably accumulate in such a family, and, accordingly, they will destroy it.

4. Give each other emotions

Marriage can turn into a swamp, sucking into the abyss of everyday problems, and your common task is to prevent this. In marriage, a young family reconsiders priorities in relationships, and, as a rule, for women they line up in the direction of children and at home, for a man in work and providing for the family. Spouses forget that as soon as they begin to think that their relationship is strong and reliable, and therefore you can devote yourself to a child, work, home, and so on, the relationship stops developing, as the spouses stop developing them. All these goals and objectives are directly related to each of the spouses, but have a minimal effect on relationships, or rather, on their development. Thus, as soon as the spouses stop communicating, as soon as they stop giving attention to each other, and switch to their duties, this destroys the relationship.

For most couples, a change in relationship is taken as a signal that their relationship is about to break down. However, changes in relationships after the wedding is a normal phenomenon, without which it is impossible to build strong family relationships. Of course, there is a possibility that your relationship will become less strong, but their development depends only on the two of you, so it is you who will regulate their change in one direction or another, depending on your goals and life needs.

We could not ignore this point, since it is a regulator of intimacy between partners, sex is a kind of indicator, a benchmark by which you can determine the favorableness of your relationship. If there is sex, it is regular and gives pleasure to partners, if sex is the same integral part of their life as at the beginning of a relationship, then this is an indicator that the partners are close to each other spiritually, emotionally, this inevitably unites the spouses. Of course, we must take into account that everything has its time, and during certain periods of the family life of spouses, their attraction to each other may either fade away, then flare up again or simply move to another level due to age. However, one must understand that without sex there can be no happy married life, at least for healthy men and women.

How to create a happy family? Harmony in relationships is a happy understanding wife and an adoring husband, a model of family relations behavior for children, which they will absorb like a sponge and transfer to their family.

Love lives only where it is created, only love exists in itself, and love is just a passion that burns out very quickly, and if there is no nourishment, relationships collapse. You need to learn to maintain love for your husband, because it's so wonderful to be a "husband's wife." Only the fact that a woman is glad to be married already leads her through the energy channel on the path to success in her personal life. If the wife is happy, good energy emanates from her, she smiles, and does not give out evil grimaces, pursing her lips, the husband intuitively feels that his wife is happy with him and tries to do even more good for his wife and his family.

Keeping the family hearth has been a woman's duty since ancient times. Because we are women, emotionally stronger than men. And the more a wife can give to her husband, the more she will receive from him and from life in general. After all, women who really know how to love and inspire their man live happily, are happy in marriage, and in general, everything in their lives goes well. These women and with a personal image are all right, and the husband does not change. To create love in a family, you need to think consciously and correctly, and the right thoughts give rise to the right feelings and the right actions that allow the couple to create and develop together.

Why is it so? At first we are happy, in love to the point of "fluttering butterflies in the stomach", a man and a woman are the most beloved and desired for each other, the best in the world, they are capable of feats for their halves. The march of Mendelssohn sounds, we got the most beautiful man in the world, whom we have been waiting for all our lives, but some time passes ... and we do not understand what is happening. The husband is no longer so wonderful and more and more annoying, the love has passed, the joy of life is gradually disappearing.

The wife understands that she has ceased to be a happy wife, both spouses begin to stare at other men and women. What to do? Divorce and look for a new husband? But where is the guarantee that the next relationship will be better, and there will be no other shortcomings, and then the next and others and thirds ... Or maybe you should look at the situation with different eyes, start acting and try to change the relationship for the better. It’s not for nothing that you chose this particular man, you loved him, and maybe you still love him, this is your dear person, you just let the situation take its course, the two of you made a lot of mistakes. But you can fix everything and rehabilitate the relationship. Let's reevaluate everything and start acting!

You need to constantly perform just a few useful practices and learn how to create good friendships and love relationships with your husband, create a favorable climate in the family.

How to build a good relationship with your husband. Algorithm of family relations.

1. First, this is the intention - the correct attitude of the woman towards the family. It is important for a woman to love her husband and understand that this particular man is the best option for her!

3. Inspire your husband and develop him for the necessary feats with the help of encouragement and proper communication. Pay more attention and show tenderness. Do not be afraid to once again come up to hug and kiss your man.

4. Correctly communicate with your husband. Take an interest in his business. Praise and Praise!!! The more, the better, even for minor right actions.

5. Write down thanks to your husband.

6. Control thinking. Do not let bad thoughts enter your head. Your husband is the best! It is very important to think that way, in advance give him support and love.

Now more. How to create friendly relations with your husband?

Every woman, wife has the abilities of the Goddess, she can create her own family! To develop the best qualities in a husband and smooth out the shortcomings, to make a man more talented and richer. The better a woman makes the life of her man and gives him more (I mean moral comfort and personal development), the more she will receive, the boomerang law operates in the Universe. The main intention, if not, then the wife ruins her husband, making him lazier, greedier and more stupid. It is important for a wife to love a man, a feeling of love gives a woman strength for creativity.

In order to love a man and maintain harmony in relationships, you need to constantly think a lot of good things about him. Remember the beginning of your relationship, how many times a day you thought about your loved one, how beautiful and the best he is, how you wanted him. So you energetically fed your man. If you again think a lot of good things about him, you will inevitably fall in love again. Think in the right direction. If you begin to sincerely rejoice that you are a “husband's wife”, you will be positively disposed towards the family, fill your husband with this positive, the family will become stronger from this. Let go of the dissatisfaction, and replace the demand and pressure with inspiration, offer and encouragement.

To develop the necessary abilities in a man, you first need to respect him. If there is no respect for the husband, the marriage will not be successful. A woman should feel that a man is smarter than her, such is nature. No need to suppress your husband, constantly argue, defending only your rights. A smart woman will never openly argue and talk with her husband! The husband should earn money, and the wife should create comfortable conditions, provide moral support, inspire, and make sensible suggestions. You must believe in your husband, and then everything will work out for him, both career and business. Send him the brightest and kindest thoughts and the necessary images during the day. For example, if you want a promotion for your husband, imagine that it has already happened and that the husband is working in a new position. Be surprised how this practice works, absolutely unexpectedly, the husband will receive the support he needs. Of course, it will be considered that this is the will of chance, but we are smart women, we know that nothing just comes into our lives.

If you need to get something from your husband, you do not need to put pressure on him. It is better to use the manipulation method and then the husband, of his own free will, will bring everything on a silver platter.

Make a rule not to yell in the family. Yes, it’s easier to flare up and yell at your husband, but you shouldn’t do this, it’s better to keep silent, think it over and then, if you think it’s reasonable, argue to your husband. This is what my grandmother did, in the family there were never any screams, let alone obscenities. If something was not for her, the granny turned away, pursing her lips (she did it anyway, as she needed), and the grandfather said that it would be better if she cursed than to be silent like that. You can’t command your husband, raise your voice and teach life, not yell and argue stupidly ... Yes, it’s hard, at the beginning of this practice. But this is ancient wisdom. Your man will become truly courageous, learn to take conscious responsibility for you, and everything will be peaceful in the family and the house will be a full cup.

You should inspire your husband to new victories. A woman who knows how to inspire makes it possible to develop the personality of a man from the material side as well. It is checked up on own experience.

Encourage and praise for everything. He took out the garbage, praise for the care, brought the salary - what a getter, the more you praise the better. “A good word, and the cat is pleased ...” If it is difficult for you to praise your husband out loud, start a notebook and write down all the good thoughts about him during the day, you need to write every day, a lot. You don’t need to show these records to your husband, let it be your little secret. This helps a lot in building relationships and infatuation with your own husband. You will see all its good qualities and shortcomings that you will work on.

A man should know that he is the best, most significant and beloved man in your life. But he also needs to know that other men also like you, this will stimulate him to continue to conquer you, as before. Healthy jealousy will not interfere with the family, but at the same time, the husband must trust you 100%. Healthy jealousy is a well-groomed appearance of the wife and her charm, understanding that men like you. Being attractive to your own husband is not easy, because he knows almost everything about you and sees you every day. A lot of personal charm and various “feminine things” are required from the wife.

Therefore, even going out to the store or for a walk together, do not be too lazy to put on make-up and put on beautiful clothes so that your man sees that men are paying attention to you.

We believe in you and your feminine charm, be a wise woman and you will increase love and prosperity in your family!