Obsessive-compulsive disorder. An obsessive feeling of guilt
Translate, please, if it's not difficult)
On the situation: I have not encountered such a case as yours, so I can’t say anything. However, I can assume that you are driven by the fear of the unknown and the fear that, being next to him, anxiety with new force will overwhelm you. Here
And yet! Exercises! Exercises! Don't forget about them.
Thanks a lot! Really very useful article) and how are you doing in general? Have you dealt with the relocation situation?
Hello! I think you can already)
Matters of medium severity. When a spike is found (usually in the morning or in the evening), anxiety intensifies and it begins to seem that life cannot be lived this way, in such thoughts. That I'm ruining his life, that I already think too often that I need to leave, that it's not fair. I can hardly keep myself from talking about my thoughts, I don’t want to get hurt because of some kind of OCD. And in general I behave like moral freak. I analyze every small emotion, EACH, if it is assessed as wrong or negative, the thoughts are even stronger. It seems that we are already different, and it is not always interesting for me to listen to him - and in general we are doomed.
Although somewhere in the background I understand that I have no reason to leave and everything is in absolute order. My main reason to break up is that I'm just thinking about breaking up (which is kind of dishonest and I'm lying, it turns out), which in itself is quite stupid to take as a reason. Well, it seems that if I leave, everything will immediately become easier - and this is the most disgusting thought. Some doom.
Well, then it goes away. But all the same, somewhere in the background sits that this is all there is, these doubts and thoughts. Although in general the feeling that I was just very tired of them. Well, I'm very tired. The move just caused stress, well thought stress.
And how are you doing?
Oh, wow, you're screwed. So what about postponing exercises? Do you make them? It’s just that I also sat like this and constantly thought and thought until almost a year had passed. And then I decided that I am the master of my brain and I want to think about what I want, and not about what the brain imposes on me. So I made up my mind to change. It's very difficult, but I choose it rather than rambling thoughts a hundred times a day. And I recommend it to you too!
Everything is ok with me now) I mark on the calendar when spikes occurred and I had only 4 of them in a month, I consider this already a victory. But I understand that I need to keep working on myself.
By the way, I'm on time this year I even broke up with mine for 2 weeks.
And how did this separation affect?
You know, such anxiety covers at some events in life usually. Now I try to stay calm, I also began to count spikes, mark them in a blocktone. You're very right, you can't let your brain take over. You're really good, as far as I can see)
I try to be calm about the manifestations of “stabilization” of relations: the fact that I don’t get bored during the day or don’t tell something, that I get annoyed. My friend from work, who has three children, recently said that she often gets tired of her relationship with her husband, often thinks - as much as possible. However, he believes that they happy marriage generally. And she has a healthy mind. So it's surmountable, I think.
It is also important to cope with depression in parallel. If it exists, if there is a negative outlook on life in general, something must be done. And it is unlikely that the reason lies in personal relationships rather the opposite.
The breakup had such an impact that I was even more confused and did not understand anything. So, of course, it’s impossible with a person, I barely returned him, because I didn’t talk about parting at all for the first time, but this was already the third time.
In fact, getting tired of a young man, especially a husband, is generally in the order of things, do not get bored, get annoyed. Almost everyone has it. Over time, after all, relationships become dull and this is the picture. I also have such moments and he has even more in relation to me. This is an absolute norm, and by such things, I believe, love cannot be measured. So it will be with everyone in any case!
Thanks for the good guy)
I read the topic.
There are intrusive thoughts. But my diagnosis is not OCD, I have panic disorder.
In partners, I do not just look for flaws .... I see them, and exaggerate, and with great difficulty I can find advantages.
But... In this case I do not really understand the essence of the fear of falling out of love. Everything happens in life, well, fall out of love - you will decide how you should be, stay with this person or move on. It feels like you want to force yourself to love the same person all your life. Why??? Are you sure that he will not stop loving you, as an option? And don't you yourself want to be with those to whom you really will have feelings in 5,10 or how many years there? And long-term relationships are not built on love alone.
I understand many fears, including those that I don’t have - transport, spider bugs, all sorts of diseases, and so on ... But here I really don’t understand.
However, this is probably easy to judge from the outside ....
Well, do you understand the fear of killing your relatives, for example? you won't understand either. this is the same
Haha, but I can theoretically understand the fear of killing my relatives - by analogy with the fear of falling out of love, it is very easy to understand this)))
Ladies, stay strong! Be sure to understand the mechanisms of how the brain works during spikes, do the exercises without fail, and I tell you for sure - everything will pass! Since 2011, I have not had anxious thoughts about falling out of love, dissatisfaction with a partner, sadness, melancholy, vague anxiety are not perceived as “falling out of love”, because the exercises teach me to identify OCD anxiety and deal with it correctly. OCD doesn't bother me anymore (t-t-t), it's real and you can all do it too! The main thing - once again - understand and do the exercises !!!
There were already people on this forum who also came with the words "I don't understand what's wrong here." In my opinion, we are not your audience, because in this matter we speak different languages We can't explain to you, no matter how hard we try.
But it's great that you don't have those fears. you are a happy person
Thank you very much for your support!
I've made an appointment with an OCD therapist, and I have some hopes.
Yesterday I had already reconciled myself and was ready to part, I even found reasons (my brain searched for them for a very long time and eventually found a couple of weighty ones), I was even calm and thought that OCD had nothing to do with it, that there really was justification for these actions. But after talking with myself, a girlfriend and a young man, I realized that it was all some kind of garbage - to destroy what you have been building for a long time, for some far-fetched reason, for the sake of OCD, for the sake of your egocentric whims and emotions. In general, it's not worth it, of course.
The main thing is to work on yourself. The main thing is not to be lazy)
And how long are your spikes in time? and how long are you and martyr together?
Actually, I know your feelings. it's terrible, I know. I really tormented myself, it was even difficult to live at some moments. and dug into young man of course! and God forbid he makes some joint that I do not like! it even got to the point that I found fault with words and it seemed to me that everything, he was not my person.
This needs to be overcome! as soon as I feel that these thoughts come again, I immediately begin to do postponing exercises.
Well, we've been dating for more than 1.5 years, we know each other almost 3) and spikes have been going on for 9 months, in recent times felt a strong deterioration already.
Yes, this phrase "not my man", it is, of course, deadly. because you will never know for sure - yours or not. There are no rules to define. There are ups and downs in a relationship and vice versa. And just in recessions, this treacherous phrase "not mine" greatly interferes with life. But it's all in my head, because there is no such thing as "not my person")
I occasionally come to this topic, read ....
I don't have OCD luckily and I probably don't understand...
But didn’t you think that since the psyche so stubbornly resists these relationships, then maybe this is really the wrong person and you are trying to persuade yourself to live and love with him in vain?
So you better just rarely go to read, but do not write anything. You really will never understand this if you don't get it yourself (and I really hope you never get it). What you wrote now will cause many in this topic extra pain and whip up ruminations. And you are very wrong in your theory. Just about the fact that this is not the same person they constantly think. You better not read their soul effusions here, but science articles about okr relations. I have been registered here since 2010 and regularly several times a year a person appears in the topic who "of course does not have OCD, but it seems to him ..." Do you think 34 pages were written and no one before you thought about what you wrote? We are here an anonymous bunch of lovers to convince ourselves to live with the unloved))))
Question 1: why are you reading this topic if you are not worried about this issue?
Question 2: Do you read English? if so, please explain how your words are argued against what researchers and doctors write (link: http://www.ocdla.com/blog/rocd-relations...of-the-one-3665 or http ://www.ocdonline.com/# !i-think-it-moved/c1n7y) How do these talks to yourself compare with psychologists' research on OCD?
Question 3: I will not answer for others, but for myself I will answer your question - no, I don’t think so.
And in turn I will ask - why are you writing this if you "occasionally go into this topic"? You probably read what the main problem is. You understand that your short and not very thoughtful messages can have a very negative impact on someone's health or someone's fate.
Wow, so much aggression. I go and read, because I have been on the PR forum for a long time. And because now I need it in connection with training as a psychologist, it is not known who I will have to work with ... I am writing because the topic is open and the discussion is open, so anyone can express an opinion and if you write something here, you need to be prepared for because the answers can be very different.
Yes, I don't, fortunately. And I can say that I'm not afraid to stop loving my husband. If I fall out of love, it means that I should torture myself with this, convince myself that this is not so, and I definitely won’t imagine it. Yes even after 20 years life together, stupid to talk about some kind of hyper love. A person simply becomes native and thoughts like, don’t like, don’t actually arise.
Psychological disorders can manifest themselves in different areas of life.
Love and relationships are just one of many, emotional and exciting.
Relationships with someone who suffers from a psychological disorder can be extremely difficult and exhausting.
I propose to discuss what is Love Crazy or 4 common types of “sick relationships”:
- Erotomania,
- all-consuming love,
- Obsessive Compulsive Relationship Disorder
- Dependency Disorder.
Some of them can be mistaken for the love of a lifetime. Ever since Romeo and Juliet, art and culture have distorted and glorified many forms unhealthy love as if one had to strive for this in order to know true love. Such delusions make us prone to build relationships with sick people who have a detrimental effect on our personal lives and involve us in their painful process.
- Erotomania("Syndrome de Clerambault" or "Erotomania Clerambault")
It's great to feel loved.
The only problem is that many of us don't get it every day of our lives—perhaps our partners aren't as passionate as they used to be, or we're just lonely. There is nothing unusual in the fact that people are waiting for love and attention, but erotomaniacs are infinitely convinced that a particular person has long and selflessly loved them.
To make the object of their adoration even more attractive, they choose special people. Their web of insanity often includes celebrities or someone with a higher status than the sufferer himself. They claim to confess their love through telepathic messages, special views, and secret messages in the media.
If an erotomaniac decides that you are their secret admirer, it is pointless to deny your "feelings" - they will not believe. Instead, they will decide that you are trying to hide your love for them from the world. Be prepared for them to want to reciprocate: expect phone calls, text messages, midnight visits, all to keep “your love”. They may deliberately set dangerous situation to have a chance to save you later.
This obsession can last for a very long time, much longer than a "normal" crush. About ten percent of fans suffer from erotomania, and most of them can be aggressive.
- Possessed by all-consuming Love
The image of the object of love does not go out of my head, and strong feeling passion is usually early period romantic relationship. It is also normal that over time, the passionate feeling for each other evolves to something less passionate, but more stable.
Mature love is associated with commitment and respect for each other's needs, including the need for privacy. Unfortunately, people with manic love disorder behave differently, trying to stay in a state of passion and emotional intensity. The obsessed are afraid of the slightest cooling of their partner's feelings, they retain an obsessive desire to undividedly possess his attention, in spite of everything and without accepting any explanations. If they are denied such enslavement, or even more rejected, they may maim or even kill themselves.
In some cases, people in the grip of obsessive love persecute their loved ones, manipulating not only them, but everyone around them, through refusal of food, the threat of suicide, or blaming them for the collapse of their careers and their miserable situation.
In the case when they themselves are the breadwinner, they can demand attention and obedience, leaving the beloved without food, freedom of movement and means.
They become so unable to focus on anything else that it eventually affects their social and professional lives. I know many stories when, having received multiple refusals, the sufferer intimidated relatives and friends, demanding the return of the object of love. They are willing to make any sacrifice to possess the victim of their toxic love.
- Addiction Disorder (AD)
Take care of yourself and your loved ones.
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Obsessive-compulsive disorder became widely known after the movie As Good As It Gets, where Jack Nicholson's character is a walking example of this diagnosis. The baton was picked up by Leonardo DiCaprio in The Aviator. Remember the bathroom scene when main character couldn't get out, afraid to touch the door handle? Why is this now great attention to OKR? Have there been more cases?
“Today, in general, there is a growing understanding and acceptance in society of the problems mental disorders. For example, about panic and depression now we can talk quite freely. And 10 years ago, people were afraid of the reaction of others, - explains clinical psychologist Yakov Kochetkov. - At the same time, OCD is a less clear story even for specialists, which is still in the shadows. It is more difficult for people to talk about it, they experience burning shame. At the same time, OCD is less common than depression: from 1 to 2% of people suffer from its clinical forms. Therefore, we can calculate that in our country at least 3 million people suffer consistently from obsessive-compulsive disorder and quite rarely receive help.”
Contrasting obsession
It often happens that in the philistine mind, in movies, in magazines, the disorder is presented through the simplest understandable things - the fear of contamination when people wash their hands many times, or the desire to arrange things symmetrically. But that's only part options. Approximately half of people with OCD actually fear pollution. As far as symmetry is concerned, this is a rather small part. Two important types of OCD sufferers remain in the shadows. The first is more or less known: these are people who constantly check whether the gas is turned off, whether the lights are off, whether the door is closed correctly. We all do it sometimes, but it's a matter of balance, the balance between healthy security controls and an obsessive state.
“If you check gas in such a way that you yourself do not believe your test, then it is worth considering. People with OCD may experience the reality of their actions dozens or hundreds of times. They cannot leave the house for hours. They are late for work, disrupt meetings. Communications are broken. Often they social life gets complicated."
What are these conditions that force a person to be very anxious and awaken in him excessive obsession?
And finally, the fourth type - a fairly common option - is the so-called contrast obsession. Obsessive thoughts exist in contrast with the true beliefs of a person, they come to the head "by themselves", and they do not like the "owner" of the head. We all have strange thoughts from time to time, but we do not pay attention to them and send them to "spam". But people with OCD give too much importance to their thoughts.
“An ordinary young mother, only very anxious and responsible, suddenly watched a TV show about a woman who killed her children. And then she asks herself, am I not like that? She begins to have images in which her child is bloody, murdered. She begins to be frightened of her thoughts, tries to suppress them, to do something so that they do not climb into her head. But the more she does it, the more they come. And gradually the situation comes to the fact that the woman winds herself up and develops a plan on how not to stay near the child, hides knives and everything that can “kill” him, asks others to watch her, because she considers herself abnormal. It is important to understand that such a woman will never harm her child and her "danger" exists only in her head.
A believer comes to church and finds blasphemous thoughts in his head. He tries to drive them away, but fails. “Or a person suddenly begins to think that he is not traditional orientation, while it is very important for him to be a person of a traditional orientation, - explains Yakov Kochetkov, - And he constantly checks himself: does he have an attraction to the representatives of his gender. The main component of the problem is that people try to fight these thoughts, but the more they fight them, the worse they get.
family message
But why suddenly yesterday an ordinary person has such features? “There is evolutionary conditioning. We have genes for repetition and cleanliness. They were useful to our ancestors. If you are clean and clean up after yourself, do not live near excrement, then much less likely that you get sick with something. Our ancestors checked everything related to safety a lot: whether the entrance to the cave was closed, whether they covered their tracks well. The scientists say that genetic predisposition 30% explains the appearance of OCD in humans, and 70% is the influence of environmental conditions.
What are these conditions that force a person to be very anxious and awaken excessive obsession in him? Education plays a huge role. In some families, the fear of infection is instilled from childhood, which means that increased hygiene is necessary. In many families, the message is broadcast: the world is dangerous and unpredictable - check everything many times.
Relationship patterns in the family also have an impact. “We have a very common symbiotic relationship between mother and children, especially sons. And often this also contributes to obsessive-compulsive disorder, says Yakov Kochetkov. Every second call to our center is not from patients, but from their parents, who say that their “boy is sick”. And when we ask how old the boy is, it turns out that he is 20 and 30 and 40.”
It is very difficult for a person in a symbiotic relationship to trust himself, to be responsible for his actions and even thoughts. Parents patronize with the best of intentions - they just do not know how to behave correctly: for example, to allow a teenager to gradually separate. Understand what he needs separate room, their secrets, their own thoughts - good or bad. In symbiotic families, parents usually actively intervene in the treatment process. And psychologists have to conduct therapy not only with patients, but also with parents, so that gradually they give their grown children more independence.
Features of national thinking
Ordinary people control their actions. A person with OCD also tries to control their thoughts. For him, thought is identical to action. We very often get angry on the road when someone cuts us off. Who in their hearts did not wish all the misfortunes on the head of the offender? The OCD patient believes that his words will materialize and he - bad person, which means, as a consequence, shame and guilt, and again torment and self-abasement.
The prevalence of this disorder also depends on cultural characteristics and traditions. “OCD responds very subtly to the cultural situation. For example, now people have begun to ardently rush into pseudo-religiousness. And there are much more cases associated with the fear of “bad”, blasphemous thoughts. A man comes and says that he is a believer. We begin to understand, it turns out that he does not understand the basic religious postulates very correctly. “God will punish me, because I have in my head bad thoughts. I have to get rid of them." But this is more about superstition than real religion, the expert believes.
Self-help methods are unlikely to help here - this is too complex a disorder.
“I recently spoke in Germany with a report on the cultural characteristics of the Russian ROC. We have a very widespread so-called magical thinking, more than in the countries of Western Europe, - says Yakov Kochetkov, - It is strongly supported by means mass media. Faith flourishes in the omnipotence of otherworldly forces, in the fact that it is possible to act with energy on some objects. If I burn a neighbor's hair, then the neighbor will burn or die. And this leads to the fact that in Russia a person with OCD finds support for his fear with thoughts of harming someone. If I thought now that my mother has cancer, then she can really get sick, because thoughts are material. I have to do many, many rituals to prevent this, to present a bright positive image or knock on wood. How can OCD not arise here? Perhaps this is due to the fact that in Russia there are regions where magical thinking has become a part of national culture- for example, Altai, Far North, Mari El Republic.
How can a specialist help?
Self-help methods are unlikely to help here - this is too complex a disorder. And how can specialists - psychotherapists, clinical psychologists help? “We do two central things that have been proven to work in research around the world. First: exposure. The term means moving towards your fear. Is the client afraid of pollution? For example, after careful preparation we agree with the client that he will try to touch things that he considers dirty. After that, he will not wash his hands, but in our presence he will wait until the anxiety itself begins to decrease. People with OCD feel like this hell will never end. Our task is to show him that even with dirty hands he will soon calm down, that his anxiety is finite.”
The second important focus of attention of the psychologist: work with errors of thinking. The client is shown that thought is not equal to action, thought is not equal to reality. If the client believes that his thoughts can harm other people, he is invited to conduct a series of behavioral experiments: can he force the flower in the therapist's office to wither with his mind or can he guess the number conceived by the psychologist. Experiments show that no matter how hard the client tries, his thoughts do not affect either the psychologist or those around him. Gradually, psychotherapy helps to get to the most “terrible” thoughts of the client and make sure that his relatives or friends do not get sick or die from the fact that a person thinks badly of them.
About the expert
Director of the Center for Cognitive Therapy, candidate of biological sciences, clinical psychologist. President of the Association of Cognitive Behavioral Therapists.
Approximately 4 million people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Many of them have never been to a psychotherapist and do not know that they are sick. OCD generates automatic obsessive thoughts (sometimes frightening, sometimes shameful), from which only rituals - compulsions - save. However, rituals eliminate obsessive thoughts only for a while, so the patient is forced to repeat them over and over again.
The Village talked to Muscovites who live with the disease about their daily struggles, treatment methods and society's attitude towards mentally ill people.
Anastasia Povarina
21 years old, student
Strange rituals appeared in the tenth grade. I associate their appearance with stress before passing the exam. At that time, I began to knock on objects before leaving the house, step over all the cracks in the street, shift objects until I began to consider their position to be correct. It seemed to me that the objects were not in the right place, and this gave rise to a feeling of anxiety, which disappeared only when all the objects were in the right place. Right place it can be anything, I just have to feel where it is.
I used to think that my rituals are a revelation that helps me get out of trouble, but in my first year at university, I read in a magazine “ Big city» material about people with obsessive-compulsive disorder and realized that my behavior is not unique.
After school, I entered the Higher School of Economics. University is a new place, new people and circumstances, and for me such things are always stressful. Because of this, in the first year of university, I had a lot of new rituals - compulsions. I went around certain hatches, walked only in a certain place on the road, and also stroked the walls. It seemed to me that people offend the walls, touching them with elbows and bags, so I stroked them.
At the sight of every church, I was baptized - I think this is also a compulsion. I think that any religion is built on an obsessive-compulsive mechanism. You come to church with an experience - an obsession, and you are offered a certain number of rituals to overcome this obsession. If you are afraid that your relatives will get sick, pray, drink holy water, and everything will pass. I believe that my belief in God was not very sincere - in fact, I was just trying to give my rituals a generally accepted form. That is, then I didn’t just stroke the walls like crazy, but prayed along with millions of people, so I thought that everything was fine with me.
Another big obsession of mine is the fear of getting sick and, as a result, a passion for cleanliness. I wash my hands in every establishment, I always carry antiseptics with me, and at home I wipe things with chlorhexidine. Frequent washing hands is the most common form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. The disease has so subdued me that I cannot refuse rituals. If I don’t touch all the toys and figurines in the apartment before leaving the house, I will feel panic. This process usually takes 20 minutes, and I often end up late for university because of it.
Often I have terrible thoughts that something bad is about to happen, like my family will get sick, I will fail my exams, or someone will die. In such cases, I definitely need to look into any window and throw into it negative thoughts. If there are no windows in the room, I feel panic, I have to throw off my thoughts at the doors, at the ceiling and at the ventilation shafts.
It seemed to me that people offend walls by touching them with their elbows and bags, so I stroked them
I convinced myself that OCD wasn't that great. terrible disease that many people live much worse and against the background of their diseases, my rituals look simply ridiculous. I did not go to the doctor until the summer of 2016. Then I broke up with a guy, and against this background, I developed depression. I felt so bad that I went to a psycho-neurological dispensary. The doctor prescribed me antidepressants and antipsychotics.
Thanks to the medication, my sleep was restored and state of mind However, the rituals remained. In the fall, I entered my fourth year of university, and due to stress, I began a new depression. I didn't leave the house because I was afraid something bad would happen to me, like the person in front of me would turn around and shoot me, or my subway train would derail.
This time, in addition to pills, I was assigned a visit to a day hospital, which is small room in the building of the psycho-neurological dispensary. Day hospital is Kindergarten for adults, the same people come there every day, they communicate with doctors and among themselves, undergo various trainings, do exercises, walk, listen and read lectures to each other. A positive atmosphere reigns there, everyone is happy for each other and there are no indifferent doctors who, like in a clinic, can be rude. In the hospital, everyone takes care of you and praises you for every painted house.
I went there every day for a month from nine in the morning until one in the afternoon, after which I went to classes at the university. the main objective visits to the hospital - the establishment of pharmacotherapy. Every day I told the doctor about my state of health, about the past day. About how certain medicines affect me. Based on my stories, the doctor decided which antidepressants and how much to prescribe for me.
I am still on the antidepressants and antipsychotics that I was prescribed at the time. Medications help me regulate my mood by reducing the amount of stress that obsessions cause. With rituals, too, it becomes easier. I no longer open and close the door nine times, do not touch all the corners and toys in the apartment before leaving, do not cross myself and do not touch the walls.
However, I could not refuse some rituals, for example, obsession with the number 9. I always go around the entire station and go through the ninth turnstile in the subway, I go only on the ninth step of the escalator (usually I let all the people in front of me, waiting for my step), I love ninth tables, I try to get the ninth locker in the pool and buy the ninth seat in the train car. I want to get rid of this ritual by force of will. When I pass through not the ninth turnstile, I am proud of myself. But sometimes I can deceive myself - for example, go through the third turnstile: this is not the ninth turnstile, but nine is three times itself.
Friends know about my illness and treat it with understanding: they remind me about the pills and support me. And here's mom for a long time did not acknowledge my illness. She had this position: someone does not eat meat, someone does not like black, and I go around all the cracks in the road. Mom believed that everyone has their own quirks, and denied my illness. She changed her mind last fall when I fell into a deep depression. Then my mother realized that my illness was serious and gave me great support. I wouldn't have made it without her.
Mom believes that the fact of OCD should remain private, that it is not worth talking about it publicly, so she tried to dissuade me from interviewing.
In our society, it is believed that only patients who rush at people with knives go to psychotherapists. But it's not. People with mental disorders many, they all live among us, and most of them are not dangerous to society. Because of this attitude, many sick people self-medicate and trigger their illnesses. Therefore, I believe that it is necessary to overcome the denial and stigmatization of the problem. You don't have to be afraid of your mental problems you just need to go to the doctor.
Alexander Mekhnetsov
26 years old, design engineer
I was born in a small provincial town, graduated from high school there, and then moved to Vologda. I moved to Moscow in September last year. My childhood was not easy: my father drank, often quarreled with my mother, and, of course, I saw it all. I remember that I was always afraid to screw up and do something wrong, so I constantly double-checked that everything was in order.
The symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder began to manifest in the fifth grade - primarily in the constant washing of hands. It was as if I was flying somewhere and did not control myself when I washed my hands. I constantly felt like my hands were dirty, and I washed them again and again. It was important for me to repeat washing a certain number of times. I developed a passion for the number 3, and I did everything three times. Or the number of repetitions had to be a multiple of three. Before leaving the house, I checked for a long time whether the gas pipe was closed, constantly opened and closed the doors, pulled their handles. I have never adhered to Orthodoxy, but, most likely, my love for the number 3 is connected with the Holy Trinity.
I understood that something was wrong with me, and my parents noticed it, but they did nothing about it. The disease progressed, its peak was in the eighth grade, then I lived like hell. I began to spend a lot of time performing rituals: I constantly checked whether I had taken everything to school, before leaving the classroom, I alternately looked at the desk and under it at least three times. I was also worried about the arrangement of objects on the table. I touched each item three times, and they all had to be in perfect position.
Another compulsions concerned the road to school and back. I went around all the hatches, followed a strictly defined path and constantly looked to see if I had dropped anything. For example, the sidewalk I was walking on ended, which means I need to turn around and look into the distance in search of a possibly fallen thing. Then I turned back and looked at the road in front of me for a long time. Then he looked back again, and so on. I could stand outside and turn my head for 20 minutes. Of course, I was embarrassed that everyone was looking at me, but I could not stop. If I failed to complete the ritual to the end, I fell into a stupor and could not do anything further.
I was not the most popular student at school, so when my classmates noticed my strange behavior they started to bully me. At the same time, I realized that I was not like other people, and from this I closed myself even more. From all this, I became a terrible social phobe.
It always seemed to me that my hands were dirty, and I washed them over and over again. I was important repeat washing a certain number of times
The compulsions disappeared in the 11th grade, unexpectedly and by themselves. I don’t know what it is connected with, I only remember that I wanted to become a normal person, like everyone else, but I don’t remember that I somehow struggled with the disease. In that year, all the rituals disappeared from my life, but obsessive thoughts remained with me, in a different way - mental chewing gum.
I constantly thought about some everyday things and scrolled through the same thoughts for hours. Some patients with obsessive-compulsive disorder think about something bad or embarrassing, but I just remembered the recent moments of my life: I wondered if I had forgotten something, and I replayed the actions I had done over and over again. For example, I scattered sugar, and then simulated the past situation in my head: I remembered how I approached the closet, how I opened its door, took the sugar bowl, and so on. In other words, I was trying to understand why I spilled the sugar. Such thoughts took a lot of time and effort. Because of them, I had a fog in my head: I could not read normally, do my homework and generally concentrate for a long time.
AT school time I did not have a constant opportunity to go online, and it was only at the age of 22 that I first found information about obsessive thoughts on Google. I came across an article about OCD and realized that it was written about me. Nobody diagnosed me then, but I understood everything without doctors. After the institute, I got a job, and I began to have a depression that lasted a year and a half. I continued to go to work, but I was extremely passive and did not want anything. To get rid of depression, I decided to go to the open department of neurosis and borderline disorders of the psychiatric hospital in Vologda.
At the time of hospitalization, I did not talk about the disease, I did not tell anyone about it at all, because I was afraid of condemnation. However, when they put me in the department, I told him everything at the first appointment with the psychotherapist. That doctor was the first person I told about the illness. After this conversation, it became much easier for me: I was no longer shy about talking about obsessive-compulsive disorder.
I spent a month in a day hospital, drank a six-month course of antidepressants, but obsessive thoughts did not go away. In the provinces, the doctors don't know how to treat my disease, and they stuff everyone with the same drugs.
In the hospital, I rested and talked with doctors, but I can’t say that the treatment helped me, I didn’t feel any difference in my state of health. By the way, during the treatment, I found out that one of my cervical vertebrae was pinched, and because of this, blood does not flow well to the brain. This may be a physiological explanation for the disease and poor functioning of my brain in general.
At one of the appointments, the doctor told me: "Find a girl, and everything will be fine with you." I was skeptical about his words. No, of course, it’s good to find a girl, but on the other hand, I thought - what kind of girl needs such a guy? Although, maybe the doctor was right, because not so long ago I started dating a girl, and I really got better. She gives me hope for a cure, thanks to her I became more open and decided to move to Moscow. Sometimes obsessive thoughts go away and I even forget that I am sick. For example, I recently lived for three weeks as normal person. However, I still do not know how to completely get rid of intrusive thoughts.
Now my life is hard work, I work on myself every day and I know all my inner demons. Of course, I dream that one day I will live a normal life.
I don't want to see a doctor in Moscow. I'm not ready to dig into myself again. In addition, I am afraid that if I start thinking about it a lot, then I will get worse and the compulsions will return. Moreover, the doctor is not a magician: what if he makes a wrong diagnosis or sends me to a closed hospital department, where they will stuff me with medicines? And I don't have time to go to the doctors either.
For 15 years, I have gone through several stages of relationship with the disease. At first I felt denial and anger - these emotions are absolutely useless and did not help me in any way. Then came the bargaining stage, where I tried to compromise with my frustration. I agreed to perform some rituals, but others did not disappear, so this tactic did not work either.
Then I fell into depression, which eventually turned into a feeling of guilt and self-pity, but now I realized that I don’t have to feel sorry for myself, because the disease sees my weaknesses and puts pressure on them. Do not consider yourself poor and unhappy - this only makes you weaker.
Right now I feel like I'm in the last stage, the stage of acceptance. I understand that life flows like water and in order to fully live, you need to go with the flow and let go of the disease. Does not exist universal way to recover from OCD - it all depends on the desire of a person to be cured and his faith in a brighter future.
Evgeny Chataev
26 years old, student
I think everyone on the planet has OCD in one form or another. I have had the disease throughout my life. As a child, I loved to bite my nails, avoid the joints between the tiles on the road and repeat my whispers. last words. And I didn’t even notice that I was repeating the words, my friends told me about it. This behavior is typical of many children, and usually with age it disappears, but it was different for me. Up until 2011 I lived as a common person but then things slowly started to change.
Then I met a girl, and we often spent time in my room. We often spilled tea, put our feet on the table and scattered crumbs, but after a while I realized that I could no longer behave like this. I started obsessing over cleanliness and after a while I stopped even putting the cup on the table in the room, because it could leave a mark.
At the same time, an important fad appeared in my head, which is still there. It sounds like this: “If I want to do some kind of activity, then everything around me should be clean.” And the whole house should be clean. Before I did my homework or sat down to watch a series, I carefully cleaned the apartment and did it in a strictly defined order: first the kitchen, then the toilet, the corridor, then one room and another. If the order was disturbed, I experienced a strong sense of discomfort. Cleaning soon became the only way start working or studying. Without her, I felt uneasy and thought only that the apartment was dirty.
I decided to look into the motives of my passion for cleanliness and realized that the basis is a sense of guilt towards myself. I began to demand more discipline from myself than before, and in case of non-compliance with my requirements, I had to clean up. If I didn’t do my homework, spent time incompetently, smoked or drank, then as a punishment I had to clean the whole house. I thought that this was the only way I could return to my previous “high” level. It doesn’t matter if the apartment is clean or not, I still cleaned because I messed up. At the peak of my illness, I cleaned five times a week, and each cleaning took two to three hours.
Over time, the area of my cleaning increased, as well as the number of details that were worth paying attention to. For example, I adjusted the jars in the kitchen so that they stood at a certain angle to the sunlight. I also checked the arrangement of applications on the phone, launched each of them, checked SMS messages, deleted unnecessary ones, and so on. All the folders on my computer also had to be put in order. In addition, I went to VKontakte: I checked the wall, audio recordings, videos, messages, photos and constantly deleted unnecessary ones. I loved only even numbers and believed that everywhere there should be a beautiful number, like 21,500 messages, and not a disgusting 21,501.
After cleaning, I analyzed the entire process: I remembered in what order and what I did, did I forget anything. I had to mentally say every little thing, and it took half an hour. If I was distracted at that moment, I had to start over. Sometimes debriefing brought me to tears, because I was sure that I had forgotten something, but I could not remember what it was.
As a result, the recitation of the performed rituals itself became a ritual.
After several months of cleaning, I decided that I would clean on one specific day - on Sundays. This led to the fact that if I accidentally committed any violation, it was followed by violations quite conscious. For example, I could forget myself and accidentally eat at the computer desk, and then consciously indulge in all serious things: I smoked in the apartment, made a mess and walked for a long time. By the way, only in these moments I really liked to live. Thus, I could live freely all week, knowing that on Sunday I would clean up anyway.
When I planned the cleaning, I understood that it would be an important and big event for me, something like New Year. I always thought that after cleaning I would start a new one, right life. If for some reason I did not clean up on time, then the next day was a nightmare for me. I thought only about the mess at home and could not concentrate: even at work I was shaking because the house was not cleaned. In such cases, I canceled all plans for Monday and cleaned out.
So I lived until 2012, not considering my rituals as something serious, but at some point my behavior became even more strange. Once I was walking down the street and missed the chewing gum in the trash can. After that, I couldn't help but think about this chewing gum and decided that the most important thing was to get to the subway, because leaving the subway to pick up gum is completely absurd. As a result, I entered the subway, went down the escalator, but could not stand it and still went back to the trash can. At that moment, I realized that I was completely sick and since I was doing such a game, I could afford other things that would make me feel better.
For example, it became important for me to keep track of which foot I enter the entrance from. It often happened that I entered the entrance, went up to my door and felt discomfort from the fact that I did not notice which foot I entered from. Then I left the entrance and entered again, but I was so absorbed in the thought of tracking which foot I entered from, that I simply could not concentrate and missed this moment again and again.
I only liked even numbers and believed that everywhere there should be a beautiful number, for example, 21,500 messages, and not disgusting 21,501
In addition, I began to hold my breath while turning off the computer or phone. It seemed to me that this gives the action purity. Even in my life, for some reason, I felt uncomfortable with the numbers 4 and 6. If I had lunch at McDonald's and these numbers were in the order number, then I did not pick up the food and just left. Although in the company I behaved normally: I still don’t want to look like a fool.
I began to have thoughts that one of my friends would die. Basically, these thoughts concerned my mother. I think if I was a homophobe, I would be afraid of becoming gay, but something else scared me: sex with the elderly. I looked at some granny and thought: “Oh, no, no, no, not that.” I'm not a pervert, but these thoughts were unstoppable, so I tried not to make eye contact with the grandmothers. For a while, I was rescued by a mantra that I spoke to myself. Something like “Enough! You are a free man, breathe deeply."
Another important point- it's perfect to close front door to the apartment. I had to concentrate as much as possible on the process of closing the door and feel satisfaction from this. One day in 2013, I closed the door for about an hour. Mom noticed this and began to ask me what I was doing. It was the worst thing that could happen to me, because when you do this kind of thing, you have to be in vacuum conditions no one should disturb you. And then they not only interfered with me, but also put pressure on me. I remember that I stood all sweaty and asked my mother not to distract me. I put the brakes on the conversation that followed, and my mother did not delve into my quirks too much.
However, that day I seriously thought about my problems. At night, I began to search the Internet for information about neuroses and found an article about OCD in which every line was about me. I was shocked and relieved at the same time. Of course, I considered going to the doctor, but after I learned about the existence of OCD, it became easier to relate to my rituals. It seemed to me that it was not so serious illness. I always thought that my illness was illusory and I could deal with it myself.
On the Internet in various forums and in thematic groups advice to fight OCD with willpower: "Fight back your rituals, try not to do them." I remember thinking, “Great, challenge accepted.” But it quickly became clear that it was impossible to fight. I need to work and study, and in order to do this, I should not have any psychological struggle inside. It is much easier to succumb to the disease, perform the rituals and live peacefully on.
AT last time OCD was most pronounced during hard parting with a girl at the beginning of last summer. However, after parting, the disease receded for two months! I fondly remember the time when I did not perform a single ritual and felt free. This life is nothing compared to my previous life with rituals and cleaning.
In the fall, the disease began to return, but I realized that it was pointless to fight it. I decided to love myself in any manifestation and accepted the disease. OCD has a serious effect on you only as long as you treat it negatively. No need to be angry either at yourself or at the disease, you don’t need to get hung up on the fact that this is a problem. It's just one of those must-have things that take time, like brushing your teeth.
Gradually rituals began to evaporate by themselves. Now I don't leave an order if it has a 4 or 6 in it, my cleanings aren't as thorough as they used to be, and I no longer check to see if I've done everything. Once every three months I open and close the front door, but I don't do it out of painful feeling, but for fun. I stand above the rituals and can postpone them for a convenient time for me. They have become like a sweet habit for me, although I admit that if a serious one arises stressful situation the disease may return.
