Do not leave the thought of the former. Let's clear our living space for new relationships

Enough time has passed, and I still feel very bad from time to time. When I see his photos or mentions in social networks, I just start shaking insanely and I shed tears. We met more than 5 years ago, by chance. We went for a walk a couple of times and, it would seem, this could have ended, because in those days this person did not attract me either physically, let alone in conversation. A year passed, during which I did not think much about this person and I had my own affairs. But suddenly he showed up again, began to come to me every day, write to me 24 hours a day. He literally did not give me a pass, but he did not say anything about feelings, covering it all with close friendship. Of course, I knew from the very beginning that he at least liked me, but I was not interested. So it's been a little more more than a year. And then something clicked inside me, and for some reason I decided that I really like him. We started dating. You can omit the details of the relationship, but mention that he often had no money, he did nothing and constantly whined that everything was bad. I worked and studied, and if not for me, then at the very beginning, it is quite possible that he would not have eaten anything and he would have had nowhere to live. Despite this, at first I was happy. And then something started to go wrong. He constantly reproached me for something, he did not like everything that I do, everything that I want to do. He criticized my parents, treated them with no respect and demanded that I not listen to them in anything. Every time he met them, he behaved as if he had met servants, but he was afraid to talk to them about serious things, shifting all the responsibility onto me. Every time I had problems, he rolled his eyes and reproached me for having them. But he could whine all the time, and together we sat down to solve his problems. He did not like my appearance, although he constantly wanted sex. But I didn’t want to anymore, and each time it only hurt more. It got to the point where we had almost nothing in recent months, and those few times were so terrible that I basically wondered if I would ever want to experience it again. For more than a year I have been tormented by the question of whether I feel anything for this person. I wanted to end the relationship several times. And in the end, one day I realized that everything, I can’t do it anymore. And we parted ways. I took my things and we didn't talk anymore. After some time, he wrote to me, and having received confirmation that I didn’t really want to see him and didn’t feel anything for him, he broke off contact. I moved away from this relationship for a while, I learned to smile again and just communicate with people. I improved my relationship with my parents and my health. I now have a wonderful young man who supports me in everything, who loves me and whom I love. I no longer want to return to that hell that was in the past and that killed me and killed everything good in me, turning me into a driven sheep. I don't understand why I, even after making sure that the former is not particularly burdened with intelligence and behaves extremely disrespectfully towards girls in general, still remember him. I know that after that, he followed my life, and now, it turns out, I follow his life? Although I do not want it at all, I do not need these details, but in last month every night I dream about him, and I can't anymore, I constantly think about it and already, it seems, I'm starting to go crazy. It seems to me that soon I will not stand it, and I will write something to him. I have already read dozens of books on psychology, but I can not understand what to do and how to get rid of these obsessive thoughts.

Marina, Novorossiysk, 25 years old / 11/24/17

Opinions of our experts

• Alyona

  Marina, your erudition (a dozen psychological books inspire awe and respect) and your hanging on someone else's account on social networks, coupled with rich dreams and a desire to enter into correspondence with the former (and this is in the presence of new relationships that also involve some kind of involvement, including and free time) - all this suggests that you have a lot of free time. It's just catastrophic. And you got so bored that you decided to look for adventures in your soft spot. The only proven specialist who will give you these emotions in the middle of a nice and quiet swamp is your ex. And he will also give you the opportunity to take care of him again, like a little one, wipe his snot, pity, sympathize, solve his problems, including financial ones. That is, you will again have something to do in a big way. But only my advice to you - if you have so much free time - get a dog. Not a cat that walks on its own, but a dog that will need to devote time, and even daily. There are a couple more recipes for the state of “so good that it’s already disgusting, and there’s nothing to do” - study (a second higher education will not hurt anyone) and volunteering. The second is a great cure for the desire to take care of an adult healthy man, when there are so many people in hospices, orphanages, nursing homes who really need care and participation. Well, or kick your positive young man already and report that you are ripe for a family and your own children.

• Sergey

  Marina, I would suggest that you analyze your feelings about a former friend. After all, you don’t feel love for a man. Physically, as a man, you don't want to. So? However, you worry, remember, worry. Why would? No, it is clear that both the time spent on it, and the total memory is present. But after all, as a man, sexual partner, husband, you can’t imagine him. Now think about what male representative women can worry about so much, while not even thinking about sexual relations? In my opinion, you're just mature enough to have children. You want to take care, protect, protect, educate. However, in the absence of a natural place for the application of the maternal instinct, one has to use available material. And the closest "undergrowth" is just your ex-boyfriend. So it “wedges” you on it. What to do with it? Well, the most reasonable option is to get married and have children. After that, there will simply be no time to think about past relationships. Although, of course, you can try to return former relationship, and once again put an overgrown "baby" on your neck. But is it worth it? In the event that there is absolutely no way with children, but you don’t want to return, get a dog. And take a small puppy from serious parents with great prospects. So in one fell swoop you will realize your maternal instincts, and you will find new ways of development. Most importantly, remember that we are always responsible for those we have tamed. By the way, your ex does not fall into this definition as a representative of "taming". And if he has the "brains" of tamed, that is not your problem.

Good afternoon! My name is Diana. I am 21 years old. I dated a guy for 2 years, we broke up 2.5 months ago. At his request! Soon he wanted to return again, but I rejected him in everything! Now we don’t communicate in any way already 2 or 3 weeks! this moment I think about him every day I don’t know what it is, but he never leaves me even in a dream! He is very offended by me and so am I! I want to leave soon to another city to live forever! Advise what to do to stop thinking! I don’t know I love whether I am it or it's just affection, but I can't forget. Thank you very much!

Hello Diana, you met a guy for 2 years and this is not short term. You managed to get used to each other, become close people, but disagreements and misunderstandings appeared between you on the part of the guy who suggested that you leave. Maybe he has reasons for that, maybe he lost his feelings for you, or maybe he just got confused and cannot understand himself. Either way, you've decided to leave. After some time, he decided to renew relations with you, perhaps realizing how dear you are to him, but he met with a refusal from your side. What is your reason for not wanting to make peace with a guy - you are offended, you cannot forget the offense, he has ceased to be interesting to you ?. You are both free people and even your relationship cannot forbid everyone to leave if such a desire arises. It is only through the freedom of each that relationships can be built. You, like your boyfriend, have the right not to accept his offer to be together again, but it should not go as revenge, not as an insult, but as yours. own wish and only then does it have its value. Judging by your words (At the moment I think about him every day, I don’t know what it is, but he never leaves me even in a dream!) You still have feelings for him and you, rather, out of resentment, refused to reconcile him. Then you write (I don’t know if I love him or it’s just affection, but I can’t forget) and I see that you yourself have not yet fully figured out your feelings for him. What's stopping you from understanding it better? You could now go for reconciliation and already in a new relationship with him to the end to understand how you feel about him, see his attitude after parting and draw your own conclusions from this. People meet, part, and this is normal when there is no pressure on each other, when there is freedom and in this freedom there is one's own opinion to be together with someone. Let go of your grievances, they are not appropriate, maybe just this parting was the biggest test of your feelings for each other and you will be able to go through one test together, and not run away immediately at the first difficulties. In any case, you have the right to choose - either you make contact with him, or you leave. In both cases, you will be right if the decision comes from your heart, and not from a feeling of resentment towards him. Good luck.

Bekezhanova Botagoz Iskrakyzy, Astana psychologist

Diana, hello!

I'll comment on some of your lines...

"I dated a guy for 2 years, we broke up 2.5 months ago. At his request!"

He was the initiator of the quarrel.

"Soon he wanted to come back again, but I rejected him in everything!"

If you rejected him because of a sense of pride and hurt pride, then there is still a point in talking. If, on his part, there were acts for which you cannot forgive him, then this is your right.

"At the moment I think about him every day, I don't know what it is, but he never leaves me even in my sleep!"

It would be strange if you didn't think... But emotions prevent you from understanding your situation and seeing it from the outside.

This is possible if you apply in person.

"I want to leave soon for another city to live forever!"

If moving to another city has other motives, then this is your right.

If this is a departure from reality, then this will not give you anything.

"I don't know if I love him or if it's just affection"

More like an addiction. But it can also be dealt with.

Ready to be of service to you.

Sincerely,

Snegireva Inna Vladimirovna, psychologist Astana

What are "obsessive thoughts" and why do they settle in the head?

The mechanism of obsessive thoughts is formed under the influence of constant internal dialogue. Discussing problems with oneself is often inherent in anxious natures, who are used to taking events and words to heart.

obsession - just one word already repels a man, not to mention that he will notice such behavior in a woman. Thoughts are the basis of action. By planting obsessive thoughts in our heads, we build the wrong foundation for future actions, because the picture of the perception of the situation is initially violated.

Scrolling through images, fragments of past moments leads to the fact that fear appears, addiction arises - a person becomes a hostage to an obsessive state, which is accompanied by a number of neurotic manifestations:

• insomnia, sleep problems;
• exacerbation of VVD symptoms;
• feeling of anxiety;
• tachycardia (rapid heartbeat);
• a decrease or increase in blood pressure;

But how to force yourself not to think, that is, to get rid of obsessive thoughts about a man or a situation / object of our attention? You can learn more about this in the second part of our article.

How to get rid of obsessive thoughts about a man?

As psychologists note, obsessive thoughts about a man, an obsession with his personality are manifestations of self-doubt. This is where the roots grow from - from the persistent thought that "I am not worthy of happiness, therefore I must grab the very best that I received." As you know, men are conquerors. They do not like it when the "prey" itself goes into the hands. Of course, not all men are the same, but we consider universal option gender relations.

How to get rid of obsessive thoughts about a man:

• stop thinking (if possible, then you are the queen of your mind);
• rationally argue why you are "obsessed" - find ways to get rid of attachment;
• remove irritants (dialogues, photos, do not go to his page, do not check messages and mail);

Ways to get rid of obsessive thoughts:

1. Take responsibility for your own happiness, but leave the ways of realizing the female idyll in the hands of a man.
2. Mentally relax - do yoga or meditation to create a sense of peace within and silence in the ether.
3. Get distracted or switch your attention to more productive positions: work, self-care, hobbies that attract any man to you like a magnet.
4. Read books or information about anti-self-hypnosis, practice regularly.
5. Hidden benefits - in the bin. We often want something from a man, so desires haunt us, stepping on the heels of daily thoughts. Let's go, ladies. Yes, by at least, the head does not boil.

Summing up

obsessive thoughts about a man pathological manifestation disrespect or self-doubt. You need to get rid of them by removing the irritant (and this is not about a man), and then introducing the main driving secrets of how to be interesting for a man a priori. Perhaps, the etiquette and behavior of ladies of the 19th and 20th centuries should be adopted.

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How to stop thinking about the past, today the site Koshechka.ru will tell you. Perhaps this method is controversial, but 98% effective. Proven in practice!

Things vs. Thoughts

So, very often it is advised to clear the space around you - to return, throw away or give someone everything that reminds of Him! Photos, your general bed sheets, gifts, postcards and other things.

Why shouldn't this be done? Let's go straight. When you call or write to him to return things, you still hope for this meeting, you want to hurt him or prick him, you are waiting for some kind of response. And by doing so, you only hurt yourself, because usually he doesn’t run towards you with an armful of daisies and doesn’t return the teddy bear, but is cold, indifferent, and can even simply ignore you. It won't help you stop thinking about ex boyfriend but it will only irritate the soul.

When you throw away all his things, the long-awaited freedom from thoughts and happiness does not come. On the contrary, emptiness around creates emptiness inside. That's why things and your thoughts about a guy should not be identified. Of course, there is no need to arrange photographs throughout the apartment and look at his gifts with tears in the eyes. Just take it to a safe place. Maybe now it will seem to you from the category of fantasy, but then you will reconsider things with tenderness and remember only the good. Without pain in the soul. No matter how fate unfolds. If he still comes back - great, but if not - later you will understand that it was necessary!

Out of sight!

But this advice, albeit common, but effective. In order to stop thinking about your ex, it is very important to cut off all contact with him. First of all, delete his phone number. So you will not be tempted to once again dial the cherished numbers and tearfully ask for the return of the past. Or write SMS with angry or "vanilla" content.

It would also be very correct to remove him from "friends" on social networks. And if possible, do not go to his page. Of course, it will be quite difficult, because it is so interesting to find out what is going on there. But try to show willpower and not look!

You can stop thinking about the past if you start thinking about the future!

Get yourself busy!

Perhaps this is the most interesting, correct and - most importantly - effective advice How to stop thinking about the past. Immediately after the breakup and even after for a long time(if you misbehave, but the classic way) it may seem to you that you have so many lonely evenings and weekends.

Fill in free time exciting things. Finally start learning Spanish, sign up for strip plastic or driving courses, start learning some interesting art, to which the hands did not reach before. After all, right now is the time to pay more attention to the development of your own personality.

Register on a dating site

Here are many women's magazines do not advise the first time to rush into the pool of other relationships. And the site also does not offer you to immediately enter into a serious relationship with a new man. just communication and light flirting will help you perk up, raise your self-esteem, just take your mind off obsessive thoughts and stop thinking about your ex.

Go on dates, hang out with your friends, have fun and don't get hung up on any one problem. Let it now seem to you that the fact that the former left you, especially if to another, is just an iceberg and a block that cannot be overcome so easily. But this is a temporary difficulty on the way to your happiness.

Think about it, why do you, so young and beautiful, need him, this traitor? Perhaps you were wrong about something, but after all, relationships both build and destroy both. Now you just need to stop thinking about the former and how you were to blame and how unhappy you are. Don't be sorry, don't feel sorry for yourself, but rejoice in what you already have. Appreciate the simple pleasures!

How to stop obsessing over your ex: make him think about you!

Tearfully beg him to return, to remember your pleasant moments and reminding him of himself, asking friends and mutual acquaintances how he is doing, or turning them against him - all these are banal mistakes. And yes, you all perfectly understand that you are doing wrong, but you can’t help yourself.

Being selfish is bad and loving only yourself is a fact. But there is a period in life when you can be selfish. And this is the time of separation from a man. Fall in love with yourself, have fun, take your time, sign up for a photo session, buy yourself beautiful things that you have always dreamed of. And use social networks right - not to track down the ex and his new passion, but in order to "PR" their own person.

Remember - no reposts with tearful poems and caustic remarks, pictures about a "strong and independent" woman. Only yours bright photos where you smile and rejoice! Believe me - he will not be able to calmly watch how you, having parted with the Tsar and God, do not sob and do not fight in hysterics, but bathe in compliments. And they will, for sure!

Speaking of which, by this point, your beloved ex may be back on his knees begging for the past. But in such a scheme of actions there is one “danger” - you will no longer need this!

So the sooner you stop obsessing over him, the better. Use the tips above and life will soon sparkle with new colors!

Smile - to someone with all your heart, and to someone - out of spite!

Eva Raduga - especially for Koshechka.ru - a site for those in love ... with themselves!

“Out of sight - out of mind” - it would be good if a person could be forgotten so easily. In fact, the more you want to not think about someone, the harder it is to do it. Thoughts stubbornly return to the unwanted object.

One oriental parable tells about a young man who asked Khoja Nasreddin how to know the future and become immortal. The sage replied: "It's simple: don't think about white monkeys!" "Only?" the young man rejoiced. But since then he could not think of anything else but white monkeys.

Having given free rein to such thoughts, it is easy to “think” into obsessive states when the help of a psychotherapist is needed. So it's better to try to get rid of them on initial stage before they get stuck in our heads. But first you need to figure out:

What prevents you from forgetting the other person?

Psychologists speak of three types of such causes. These are emotional, installation and behavioral.

Among the emotional

1. repressed emotions. A person is trying to seem strong, “hold on”, therefore he suppresses, which the separation caused him. This is especially true for men, because from childhood their parents inspired: “A man must be strong. It's embarrassing to cry." But then the pain sitting inside will constantly remind him of the person he wants to forget. You need to allow yourself to give vent to emotions, grieve, cry;

2. Unexpressed. After parting, many continue to mentally sort things out, argue, prove their case and make claims against the person who left them. To stop this mockery of oneself, it costs everything unspoken grievances set out in the form of a letter to him, but do not send the letter, but burn it;

3. Remorse, feelings of guilt. For some people, friends and loved ones easily become former, while others cannot calm down in any way that someone else is suffering through their fault. They are not going to return the former and at the same time reproach themselves for the evil they voluntarily or involuntarily caused. Mental excuses turn into obsessive states. How to get rid of such exhausting conversations with yourself? See point 2.

Among the set reasons

1. Persistent conviction that this man is the only one, he is our destiny, we will never we won't meet anyone better. Or maybe you should take advantage of the opportunity to make sure of this?

2. Confidence that together with him we lost the ability to love And ahead of us is a bleak existence. Let's check?

3. Linking your hopes and plans with this person. On the one hand, it's natural. On the other hand, these were probably only our plans, and he himself doubted the strength of the relationship. We have already come up with a honeymoon route and names for future children, and suddenly loneliness, longing, emptiness. Everything will have to be canceled - meetings, walks, trips. We do not do this: the last thing we need now is to isolate ourselves from people and immerse ourselves in memories.

The main behavioral reasons that do not allow us to forget a person

1. Forced contact with him. We work together, we learn, we mutual friends and one company. The only way out is to change everything. Otherwise, obsessive-compulsive disorder, hello!

2. Separated man and woman continue to have sex from time to time. This is often found in divorced couples where there are common children. At the same time, if for one partner it’s just sex without obligations, for the other, hope for recovery is revived past relationship. However, here you need to follow the rule: “She died so she died”;

3. Dive into depression . Despite the desire to withdraw into oneself, not to go out anywhere and not to see anyone, one should not indulge him. Alone with ourselves, with masochistic pleasure, we will begin to dig into the wound, not allowing it to heal. Thus, we will only strengthen the emotional attachment to the person who should be forgotten with minimal loss to our psyche.

Ways to help you forget a person

The question of how to stop thinking about a person has been relevant at all times. Our ancestors in such cases relied on magic, in particular on:

1. Conspiracies and rituals

They need to be performed on a waning moon: feelings should also decrease with it. It seems that there is a rational grain here, because with their help a person gives himself a positive attitude, programs himself for positive result. In any case, there is no crime here, and the attempt is not torture.

All we need is a source from clean water, lemon balm leaves, solitude and a little imagination. Let's focus on our emotions - resentment, mental pain, which prevent us from forgetting the other person. Let us mentally transfer them to the leaves of lemon balm, representing them with our tears, and we will tear them off one by one and throw them into the water. Leaves float away - memories float away. We leave when we feel peace and tranquility, having previously washed our face with water from a spring. This ritual can be repeated every week.

Finding the source can be a problem. In its absence, we will use fire: we state our obsessive thoughts on paper, and then we set fire to it, imagining how they forever fly away from us along with the ashes.

These methods are harmless and will not harm anyone. However, it is strictly forbidden to turn to fortune-tellers for help in order to inflict damage or a love spell on the departed.

2. We give ourselves the installation: “Everything that is done is for the better”

It may very well be that life has closed some doors for us, having previously opened others. But we resist with all our might, cling to old relationships, trying to revive what has long died. Ahead - discoveries, surprises, new people and new acquaintances.

And, as the old song says, "If the bride goes to another, then it is not known who is lucky."

3. Let's clear our living space for new relationships

Apathy, devastation, disappointment, loss of faith in long strong relationship, unwillingness to make new acquaintances - you can not let these feelings take over. Breaking out of their captivity will not be easy. Let's fill the void interesting things things we always wanted to do but didn't find the time for. At first, it will be difficult to completely switch to them, but gradually we will get involved and we will think less and less “about the former”.

This may be a repair - even if you have to get into a loan, but your head will not be occupied with fruitless thoughts, but with the search for new earnings. At the same time, we will remove from sight away, give away or throw away things bought together or suggestive of memories.

They say you can't run from yourself. Nevertheless, after a month or two, we will notice that the pain, if not gone, has dulled. However, this is not yet a reason to relax - we do not lose vigilance, we are not yet ready to meet this person. The slightest occasion is enough for the memories to play out with renewed vigor.

4. We do not discuss ended relationships with everyone in a row.

Discussing the current situation, we want to hear words of support, of our own rightness, condemnation of a person who has left us. Talking about him creates the appearance that he is still present in our lives.

At the same time, we are doing ourselves a disservice - the people with whom we were so frank, now with their very appearance will remind us of what we would like to forget. Perhaps one of them will begin to constantly take an interest in our personal life, believing that he has the right to do so.

Quickly erase from the memory of the person to whom they got used to, with whom they were associated bright events, plans for the future, which has become near and dear, will not work. It takes some time to heal from emotional dependence and affection. How long the healing will take and how complete it will be depends on the efforts made.

Unfortunately, many people want this only in theory, without taking practical action. One gets the impression that heartache from such memories gives them pleasure, compensating for the loss. Memories now seem to them the only thing that still connects them with the departed, and they are in no hurry to break this connection.