Set rules and limits for your child. Etiquette for children

1. Rules should flow naturally from what parents think is RIGHT.

The rules for children are not universal, they are born in each particular family, unique for each child. An attempt to apply someone else's rules prescribed by someone to your child usually ends in failure.
Some family will teach their child to stand up if women are standing in his presence, for another family such a rule will seem archaic. In some family, you can only eat in the kitchen and strictly certain time, in the other it is permissible to eat where and when you want. So for almost any life phenomenon there are various instructions on how to act correctly. You should not look for a single answer about what the rules should be, the task of the family is to develop their own charter! IT IS RIGHT FOR YOUR CHILD TO DO WHAT YOU THINK IT IS RIGHT!

It is impossible to say how to properly explain religion, life or death to a child. He needs to explain it the way you think. It will be correct and harmonious. The same goes for the rules - if you broadcast the natural rules of your family, they are accepted by the child. Other rules, alien, will be feigned, strained!
2. Discuss the rules with older family members.
In order for the rule to be respected, it is desirable that everyone support it. An example that has already become commonplace, when a mother does not allow a candy, and a grandmother gives it away, has not lost its relevance. If adults cannot agree on rules for children, then it is almost impossible for children to accept these rules, as they are contradictory.

3. Analyze your internal settings.
Internal contradictions can have a huge impact on the position of the parent. The uncertainty of the parent, his doubts about his own rightness and leadership role are always read by the child. Whatever correct form you have not clothed your demands, if you yourself are not sure of them, the child will feel it. You can read more about this
Children are much more than adults tuned in to the intuitive perception of reality, since they have little developed adult methods of analysis and rational thinking. Children, as locators, capture your inner mood and act accordingly.
Traditional complaints of parents of small children: it is impossible to put the child to sleep in the evening, force him to brush his teeth, wash his hands after a walk. The mother is often exhausted in such seemingly elementary tasks, tired of forever flirting with the child or forcing him. At the same time, parents report that a child with a grandmother or a nanny behaves completely differently - he calmly fulfills the requirements, the child is being replaced ... At the same time, it is imperceptible that the grandmother used some special tricks read in books. Everything seems to happen by itself. It is obvious that the problem is not in the child, but in the adult who interacts with him. Most often, the question is not that this adult does not own any special methods of communication, but in his internal attitudes. If the adult is sure where the boundary should be, the child accepts it.
4. Be predictable and consistent.
The child will be calmer if he knows what and when is required of him.
The child often climbs into the mother's bag, pulling out something to have fun with - a phone, lipstick, comb, etc. The mother reacts differently depending on her mood and circumstances. With her mother, she strongly scolds the child, she can spank him for encroaching on her things. With her husband, the woman loudly demands that he should stop the child. With her friend, when she wants to chat, she simply does not pay attention to the actions of the child - she is busy with something and that's fine! When a mother is in the company of strangers, she can smile tenderly, admiring how smart her baby is.
IN this example a child will never accept the rule that before taking mother's things, you need to ask. The reaction of the mother is UNPREDICTABLE, the child is in an uncertain position. At the same time, the mother can sincerely believe that she has tried all the tricks to wean the child to get into the bag. The variety of responses can be seen by the mother as creativity to the task, but in fact she did almost everything so that the baby got into her bag all the time.
Compare the situation of uncertainty with the rules traffic. If you go out on the road and know exactly what rules apply on it, you will be calm, because you know how to behave in order to be safe and not get a ticket. In addition, you understand how other road users will behave, which also reduces anxiety. The more often you go out on the road with predictable traffic rules, the less alarming the situation seems to you. If you drove onto the road, the rules of which are completely unknown to you, you do not understand how to behave and what other road users will do. In this situation, you will be extremely tense and spend a lot psychic energy for any decision you make. If you go out on a road every day, where the rules are different every day, then you will never be calm on such a road. This is how a child feels in a situation of indefinite, ever-changing rules.
Increased ANXIETY is what distinguishes children living in unpredictable rules. When determining what is and is not allowed for a child in your family, try to achieve certainty and predictability.
Certainty, of course, should not reach the point of absurdity, otherwise it will turn from a blessing into a punishment. Of course, in exceptional cases, you can deviate from the rules. It is only important that in itself this digression does not become a rule.
5. Leave only the necessary rules.
One of the typical difficulties in setting rules is their excessive number in a child's life.
Many rules do not always reflect the severity of the parent, they often give out his increased anxiety. The anxious parent may not even be aware of the palisade of rules surrounding the child.
Such a parent may worry about the health of the child and surround him with prohibitions:
Can't run fast
You can’t gasp for air and eat in large pieces
Can't land on the ground
You can't slide down the hill
Can't handle snow
Can't go out into the sun

In another case, the parent may gravitate too much towards order, strive for control, and then the child:

You can't kick snow with your boots
You can not drip on the tablecloth
Can't walk in mud
Do not disturb the order in the house or in the clothes of the parent
You can't get your clothes dirty in the game
"Children can be either clean or happy!" - this is how one mother of three children formulated her educational position. There is a lot of truth in this joke.
Valid for high demands to a child, you can not see the child at all, perceive him as a mechanical executor of your great plan.

On the other hand, a lot of rules and requirements for a child very often give the opposite result - a child who cannot go all-in breaks all prohibitions, no longer considering their degree of importance. In such cases, parents may not even realize that their child's stubbornness is simply due to the fact that he is too limited by the framework that exists around him.
6. Always encourage following the rules.
Perhaps, main principle The one thing that will allow you to make following the rules enjoyable for the child is to reward the child when he follows these rules.
Reward your child with your attention, praise, appreciation of his actions if he follows the rules. Reward is one of the most powerful ways you can shape a child's behavior.
Following the rules is not an easy task for a child, so do not ignore the efforts that he makes to follow the rules.
A person is controlled by anxiety, his attention is always automatically tuned to the search for flaws, danger. Only special work, a certain philosophy of life, conscious control of one's thinking can change this process. Automatically, we will always focus on shortcomings, flaws. In the role of a parent, a person is calm and indifferent when his child behaves “normally”: he does not rage, he obeys, he does not contradict. It goes without saying, you don't need to pay attention to it. But if something is wrong, then the person turns on, begins to manage, scold the child, in general, “educate”. And so it turns out that the “normal” behavior that no one particularly notices becomes unattractive for the child. A bad behavior, which attracts so much attention to him, sometimes becomes a way out of isolation.
“Good”, “normal” behavior of a child from the point of view of an adult is not so easy for him. He makes an effort to restrain his activity, to resist impulses, to behave "politely". If you see this work, show your child that you appreciate his efforts, he will definitely cooperate with you. If you take it for granted that you follow the rules, then you can soon become very frustrated.
7. The rule is valid regardless of whether the child understands its meaning and the reason for which it was established.
Many parents have a question - how much is it necessary to explain to the child the reason for prohibitions and instructions, is it important that the child understands why this or that is required of him. This question is most related to the age of the child. IN early age(up to 3-5 years old), the child, due to the limited experience, is simply not able to understand most of the rules. However, many parents treat their children like little adults, not realizing the huge difference that exists between an adult and a child. A great many parents of children under 3 years of age are under the illusion that the child "understands everything", simply does it often to spite them. The understanding of the situation by a three-year-old child is fundamentally different from the understanding of the same situation by an adult.

If you tell a child that you shouldn’t put your hands in your mouth because they have germs on them, he will get sick, then he is unlikely to understand you adequately. What are invisible microbes? And what does it mean to “get sick” for a child who has neither coherent memories of his past, nor an idea of ​​\u200b\u200bwho he himself is (both are absent in children younger age)? If a child repeats after you: “You can’t go on the road, a car will hit you” - does this mean that he understands what this phrase means, what are the consequences of a collision with a car? The fact that the child can repeat after you or nods to the question: “Got it?” - does not mean at all that he really understands something like an adult.
Some parents of very young children see success in setting rules in the long and detailed explanations reasons for the rule. And instead of physically establishing a ban on certain actions that are dangerous or grossly offend the interests of other people, parents rely on explanations. The problem is that parents operate with words behind which there is a whole system of concepts. Due to poor command of the language, inability to abstract thinking and limited experience, the child simply does not know this system, does not think in terms of those concepts with which he is trying to explain the situation. The parent seems to be trying to rely on something that is not in inner world little person. Children up to at least 5 years old can only think about what they see and can touch, as if they “think with the body”. Yet the concepts that they cannot pass through the tactile experience are empty words for them. This is the reason why explanations don't work on children unless they are accompanied by actual physical actions.
Little children need not so much words as GESTURES that set the rules. If you do not want a child to beat you, you need to limit him at the moment he tries to hit you. This applies to most other situations as well. It is very important to accompany prohibitions with a gesture precisely at an early age, then, growing up, the child will already be aware that the prohibition is something that needs to be fulfilled, these are not empty words of parents. If the child is repeatedly given instructions that he violates, he will not be able to accept the restrictions.
Some parents are intimidated by the idea of ​​physically restricting their child's activities, as they see it as a form of unacceptable violence. However, physical restraint is not the same as physical punishment.
You firmly take the child's hand, despite his protests in places where it is dangerous to go alone.
You are restraining a child who is throwing heavy objects or hitting others.
You can keep your child in bed with an arm around his shoulders, despite his desire to go for a walk after lights out.
You remove the child and do not let him climb on cabinets and window sills.
You buckle the child in the seat belt even as he breaks free and protests.
It is precisely such soft, but certain influences that ultimately become the key to the fact that the baby understands words, prohibitions. At first, these prohibitions are physical, only then they move to the level of words. If the physical restriction stage is not passed, small man does not meet any boundaries in his path, subsequently he will not listen to a word.
It is certainly necessary to explain the rules, but the rules must be followed regardless of whether the child understood the essence of the rule or not. explain in simple terms, preferably concise, friendly and adjust your explanations depending on the level of development, the age of the child.
8. When setting the rules, be friendly.

For many people, rules and boundaries are associated with rigidity and strictness and are therefore unattractive. They don't want to make rules because they don't like strictness and rigidity.
In fact, effective leadership (including in a parent-child pair) is not built on the rigidity of the leader (in this case parent). Effective management is just friendly and takes into account the interests of the governed.
When setting rules for your child, be friendly. Say "No!" You can definitely, but not aggressively.
A two and a half year old boy was reading a book with his mother at the moment when his father entered the room. The boy probably wanted to be alone with his mother, and he was not happy with his father. The kid jumped up and tried to push his father out the door. The father, realizing that the child's behavior was unacceptable, was at a loss as to how to respond. Retreating is wrong, and the father decided that the boy needed to set boundaries. He abruptly lifted the boy off the floor, shook him, and with a terrible expression on his face loudly told the kid that he was not allowed to push his father.
In this case, the father's reasonable thought that the boy should not have been allowed to push his father out of the room had an inadequate embodiment in the form of cruelty. Feedback is given to the child in an overly aggressive manner, which is bound to increase the confrontation. It would be enough to definitely hold the baby, not letting him push, wait until the storm passes and calmly tell him that pushing is not customary in the house and adults walk around the house where they need to.
Setting the rules does not require aggressiveness, if the rules are implicated in the anger of the parent, then the child will experience depression, or be angry with the parents, constantly fight with him.

© Elizaveta Filonenko

Tatyana Nikitina, psychologist:

Is it necessary to punish

It is believed that the most effective punishments are always based on the fear of experiencing unpleasant physical or moral sensations. But the times when children were beaten with rods or put their knees on peas for misconduct at the end of the week, fortunately, are in the past. Gradually, after the rods, the belt disappears, which means that one can hope that insulting slaps, and offensive slaps, and humiliating words will sink into oblivion. By at least, in civilized families.

However, there are still few families that have raised a child who no longer needs any punishment by adolescence and only a heart-to-heart talk is enough. There are few teenagers who do not lie (well, almost), maintain order in the room, skip school only with the consent of mom and dad, come home on time and do not make their parents go crazy because "the subscriber's phone is turned off ...". How to respond so that the misconduct of teenagers is no longer repeated?

Can punishment be avoided? And if you punish, then how to avoid insults, psychological trauma, and simply worsening relations with a teenager?

There are families where adults apply the type of education that is called "cooperation" in pedagogy. Parents tend not to patronize the child, but to support him in all areas, especially in the emotional. The child is given enough independence, but an adult is always nearby, ready to come to the rescue in time, support, calm, explain. Members of such families are united common values, traditions, they experience an emotional need for each other. When children raised in such families reach adolescence, the problem of punishment, as a rule, is not worth it. Enough conversation, clarification and awareness of their guilt. But in most families, and especially in those where such as authoritarianism or overprotection (or both at once), or the child grew up in conditions of conflicting instructions received from different family members, there are problems with awareness of guilt and mutual understanding between parents and children. And therefore, parents can achieve the desired behavior only with the help of a system of control and restrictions - in other words, punishments.

Of course, there is a choice. If you don't want to punish, don't punish. Repeat a hundred times, do everything for the child yourself, hope that it will pass with age, explain to infinity and speak heart to heart. Is it really difficult for you to clean up the mess in his room? Not the first time? Doesn't brush your teeth? Doesn't wash your hair? Nothing, fall in love - this problem will disappear. Skipping school? His business! Can't you, after all, quit your job and accompany him everywhere? It's time to take responsibility for yourself.

This style of parenting is sometimes called "permissive", but it also has a right to exist.

Yes, parents turn a blind eye to many undesirable moments in the behavior of their grown children. And hope that with age, everything will change by itself. It doesn't always end in something bad.

The time comes, unorganized teenagers suddenly change, stop being late, begin to pay attention to household chores. Usually such changes occur when the adolescent actually takes responsibility for his behavior, and often coincides with the emergence of his own (rather than imposed by parents) goal. Or a teenager, “having been ill” with protests, suddenly, on one basis or another, approaches his parents.

But there are teenagers with whom it is dangerous to use the “permissive” parenting style. According to the classification of the famous psychologist Julia Gippenreiter, these are, first of all, children with clearly expressed features of an unstable, intensely affective and demonstrative character. With such teenagers, one cannot do without strictness in education. That is, without clear rules, instructions and punishments for their non-compliance. And then there are offenses that even the most advanced parents cannot help but respond to (for example, theft, fights, drinking alcohol, drugs).

How to punish

There is no universal recipe for “correct punishment” that would suit a family with any value system and a child with any type of character. What works in some cases turns out to be useless in others. But still there is one general rule, which is important to follow in the context of the application of any sanctions against a teenager: the system of rules and punishments should be very clear to the teenager. Rules and sanctions for non-compliance should be transparent, unambiguous and known in advance. So if your child adolescence is not easy to find mutual language seems impossible, and you keep running into protest behavior, try creating your own intra-family rule system.

Inside family rules behavior is a kind of traffic rules. The traffic rules clearly spell out what is allowed, what is prohibited and how non-compliance is punished. If there were no traffic rules, chaos would reign on the roads.

Chaos begins to reign in some families where there is a difficult teenager, conflicting instructions from the parents, but there is no set of clear and unambiguous rules of behavior

If there is not enough respect for each other in the family, and the child is not ready to take responsibility for his behavior, then it is not easy to force the child to obey the rules. Often, a teenager simply learns to bypass the system of rules, stay uncaught, dodge, and so on. Still, it makes sense to clearly define the rules.

The reaction of adolescents to intra-family rules in many respects resembles the attitude of drivers to traffic rules. There are drivers who observe traffic rules and rarely violate them and, accordingly, are rarely fined. These drivers internally agree with the rules and consider them fair enough (or are afraid of sanctions, which is also not uncommon). Other drivers do not consider all the rules fair and are not always ready to comply with them, but "accept the rules of the game" - that is, they agree to be punished if they are caught in violation. And then there are drivers who do not want to accept the rules of the game, classify themselves as a select group of those who can do what others can not. Here, all kinds of ksivas, flashing lights and other attributes of exclusivity are used. There is something similar in the behavior of some teenagers who are capable of incredible tricks, just to behave as they see fit. But even for them, the existence of rules is some deterrent.

How to make an intra-family system of rules

Here is a sequence of steps that is important to use if you decide that words are not enough and your child still needs "frames". These steps minimize the possible Negative consequences punishment, and also allows you to negate the ignorance of the rules you set.

First, make a list of rules for yourself that you would like your child to follow. Perhaps in the future you will want to supplement or make changes to them, but for now, outline the main ones.

2. Clarification

Specify your requirements. The child needs to be specific. For example:

Incorrect: "Don't go out late."

Correct: Come home no later than 22.00.

Wrong: "Always be in touch."

Correct: “Call back every three hours. Call back after missed calls no later than 20 minutes.

Your rules should be as clear as possible, because sanctions are expected for non-compliance.

Incorrect: "Don't skip school."

Correct: “Don’t skip school without a good reason. A respectful reason agreed."

Decide what will be considered absenteeism. For example, he left school because the last lesson was canceled - is this considered absenteeism? Agree on how to act in controversial situations and for whom the last word. “I didn’t go to physical education because my knee hurt.” Was it necessary to call you and get consent for this pass? Or maybe you are a loyal parent and allow your grown child to miss five lessons a month without explanation. The point is to be as clear as possible about what you want.

3. Discussion

Discuss with your child each of your requirements, explain, try to find words, why this is so important to you. Be sincere about what worries you. Why do you want it to be like this and not otherwise. What are the other reasons for this. For example, being at home after 22.00 is also a legal requirement for children under 16 years of age.

It is important that the child understands that this is not your “whim”. Although you have the right to "whim". Just like him. He wants coca and pizza on Saturdays (even though he knows it’s bad), and you want his room to be tidy, dirty things in the laundry bin because you feel bad when everything is a mess, and you don’t want to spend half a Saturday cleaning .

Listen to the child's opinion and be sure to make adjustments to the rules you proposed. Let it be a little, let it be in small things. But it is important for a teenager that his opinion is taken into account. There will be much more motivation to follow the established rules.

4. Sanctions

Assign sanctions or punishments for violations of the rules. This item is important to compile with the child. It is better if the sanctions are differentiated (secondary violation is punished more severely). Use the “Imagine yourself in my place” technique more often: “What would you do if you were a parent? How would you behave in such a situation? What punishment did you apply?"

Do not deviate from agreements. For the psyche of a child, including a large one, it is very harmful when he is sometimes punished for the same act, sometimes not.

5. Consent

Read over your set of rules together and get your child to agree on each point. If it's more convenient, put a plus sign at the end of each item (ideally three - both parents and a child). This is the hardest and most important part.

6. Rules for parents

For many parents, this step is unthinkable. And another part of the parents consider this "flirting with the child." But teenagers deserve that we reckon with their opinion, and not answer in the spirit of “this is my business”, “it’s not for you to tell me”, “create your own family, and there you will command”. So this step is optional. But to an obstinate teenager, this approach seems more honest. Try it.

Ask your child what he strongly dislikes about your behavior. For example: entering a room without knocking, calling 10 times when he is with friends, smoking in the kitchen (or smoking at all!), promising and not fulfilling, excessive control, and so on. Include in the list items that you yourself undertake to fulfill (with sanctions, of course).

Why rules are not forever

There are tidy children who hate clutter, so they themselves maintain cleanliness and order without any problems. And then there are the parents who taught their children to clean up without reminders a long time ago, in the pre-adolescent period. These parents consider the lack of order to be a flaw in their negligent “colleagues”: they didn’t have to give up on education earlier, they had to work on it every day. And now the child is not to blame. This is what my friend Fyodor told me every time I complained to him about the mess in my children's rooms and complained that I could not force them to keep order. Fedor boasted about the order that his children's rooms always had when they were teenagers. And I felt guilty for previous omissions in my upbringing, reproached myself for the weakness of character and inconsistency in the application of the promised punishments. Oh, to return to the time when, because of a cup of coffee or a pleasant chat with a friend, I was too lazy to check what was happening in the room of my son or daughter, and then I found them sleeping in the middle of chaos (and did not wake them up to get out). Yes, my husband and I are to blame.

And then one day Fedor and I came to the apartment of his exemplary son, which he rented during an internship after graduation from the university. The son knew about the visit of the pope from yesterday evening. Nevertheless, the picture that appeared to our eyes impressed me, apparently in contrast to expectations: scattered clothes, randomly arranged piles of books, magazines and papers, empty beer bottles everywhere, and in places tin cans mixed with worms in socks and even ashtrays with cigarette butts! I must say that Fedor himself is not manic, but neat, and any woman would envy the order in his bachelor closet! The meeting between father and son was associated with the transfer of a spare car key and lasted 15-20 minutes. We drank coffee (for which the son had been looking for cups for a long time). The father did not ask, and the son did not think to apologize for "some mess." It was strange to me why he didn’t at least superficially clean up before the arrival of the pope, with whom he has a very close and trusting relationship.

I confess that in my heart I was in a sense rejoicing. After all, Fedor constantly cited his children and his teaching gift as an example. To my question “why,” Fedor replied: “He probably likes it that way. He's already big, and that's his business." And I asked myself: how did Fyodor achieve order in the rooms of his children? Or did they just have great respect for their parents, so they obeyed their instructions? I did not draw any definite conclusion from this story. But still I thought that family rules, even if children follow them (as in the described example), are not always a guarantee that the behavior that parents want to achieve will take root and become part of an adult personality.

A few years ago, Western psychologists conducted this experiment: 4-year-old children were left alone in a room where there was a plate of sweets on the table, while adults forbade the children to take sweets. Many toddlers struggled with temptation with all their might - and successfully. But most of the children could not stand it and, while their parents were not in the room, ate sweets on both cheeks.

After 20 years, psychologists collected data on those guys, and it turned out that children who could not resist the temptation, having matured, could not overcome more serious temptations and became hostages of destructive addictions.

Why don't all of us grow up? bad habits? Why do we know how to wait, endure, behave in accordance with the situation and do not “bend” under unforeseen circumstances? Within us, a mechanism has been developed that allows us to adapt to what is happening. This is the regulation of behavior that we learn from childhood.

It's good when parents instill this skill in their kids. But if your child is still rebelling when something goes against his rules, if he cannot resist temptations, take our recommendations into service.

Four reasons for

Why does a child need self-regulation at all? Many believe that "life will teach him", so let the baby's childhood be carefree. However, the ability to control oneself will bring many advantages to the child.

Self-regulation helps to refuse something seductive, but harmful.. For example, climb onto a neighbor's plot and pick other people's apples (at best).

Behavior control teaches you to be polite even in cases where the child feels that he is being treated unfairly. For example, in relations with teachers at school.

Behavior regulation allows you to remain calm in stressful situations x (for example, during tests), helps to manage emotions, attention, one's behavior during fatigue, to concentrate when solving complex problems.

Thanks to regulation, we can wait and endure, suppress outbursts of anger listen to the end of other people's points of view. And if you see around people who do not succeed in all of the above, be sure that in childhood they had problems with mastering the basics of self-control.

Developing endurance

Put your child in situations where he has to make a choice. while feeling close to your support. These may be situations where he encounters difficulties, worries negative emotions… The ability to make choices and the realization that you have a choice brings to life a sense of control over the situation and your behavior.

Watch your child when they are most stressed. If you can't name his weaknesses, make it a rule to observe him and his behavior every day.

Show your endurance. When you travel with your baby on business and find yourself in a stressful situation (standing in line for a long time or riding in crowded transport), show him how to be patient and tolerant (explain at the same time what these concepts mean). Tell me what useful deeds can be done while waiting. And how can one relate to the fact that sometimes the situation changes and we are forced to spend more time waiting than planned.

Teach your child words that will allow him to express emotions. Let it not be derogatory, offensive words that can be heard everywhere. And the expressions with which he could simply define his feelings (and not give an assessment of the situation and others - most often we teach this).

Explain to the offspring that he must always remember his original purpose.. If he is standing in a huge queue with you and is nervous, tell him why you are standing. And let him always understand the motive of his or your actions. It calms and adjusts to achieve the final result.

Encourage active interaction child with other children. When children play, they learn social roles adults, many of which involve behavioral regulation (the role of a mother, the role of a teacher). By the way, creative games V family circle also help develop this skill.

Exists close connection between the regulation of behavior and the development of the child's speech. Children with large vocabulary and high level literacy skills are more effectively developed self-regulation skills.

Introduce rules into your child's daily routine. Children must understand that everything in the world, the course of life itself is subject to certain rules which must be observed. Make up your own set of rules, hang on the refrigerator, opposite the bed, make them in the form of a set of pirate rules or rules of conduct young princesses- doesn't matter. Let them be non-boring, suggesting encouragement. And make sure they are always done. Rules teach responsibility, discipline and regulation of behavior.

It's good when there is sport in a child's life. sports training Like nothing else, they teach behavioral regulation, fortitude and self-control!

It is not enough just to love children and be touched by their whims and eccentricities. One must be able to direct and monitor so that the beloved boys and girls do not stray from the set course.

In any family with children, there always comes a point when parents are faced with the question of how to set boundaries for an overactive or even a child. But far from always, mom and dad correctly understand what exactly needs to be banned, in what form, what should be the punishment for violating the prohibitions, and whether it is necessary at all.

About how to set boundaries correctly so that this does not negatively affect the psychological, says I am the Parent.

Why are restrictions needed?

Undoubtedly, restrictions are necessary, since children, due to their inexperience, passionately desiring something, can unconsciously harm themselves. The baby's world almost completely coincides with the mother's, but the problem of delimiting the physical and psychological spaces of parents and the child plays one of the main roles. This is an important part educational process: children with a correct understanding of their own and others' "possible" and "impossible" in the future are less likely to suffer from various kinds and easily converge with people.

How to set boundaries correctly: 8 rules

Many parents adhere to a standard boundary-setting scheme that clearly distinguishes between the child's good and bad behavior and the corresponding response. Done well - praise, done poorly - punishment. At the same time, very often parents do not even explain to the child why he was punished, believing that he himself must understand what kind of act provoked such a reaction.

In fact, such a scheme is considered by modern people to be ineffective and even harmful, since a child who does not realize what he was punished for begins to experience constant anxiety. own actions which is fraught with serious psychological problems. Some children also develop anger at their parents, who punish him, in his opinion, for no reason.

How to find a compromise between “possible” and “impossible”, so that the child understands the validity of the prohibitions?

1. Prohibitions should always be age-appropriate.

A two-year-old kid may not understand why, for example, it is impossible to pet a stray dog ​​on the street, but by the age of three or four years, the explanation of this prohibition will be clear to him. Therefore, punishing a child for something that he still cannot understand due to his age is simply pointless.

2. When setting bans, you must definitely explain your motivation

Why you can’t cross the road at a red light, pick up sweets on the street, talk to strangers, put your fingers in the socket, take away toys from peers - all this can be easily and intelligibly explained to children in a simple and understandable language.

3. When placing bans, always ask yourself if they are justified enough.

Is this ban really necessary?

Some parents find it easier to forbid their child something simply because it will be calmer for them. For example, a mother does not want her child to get dirty or tear nice clothes, and she forbids him to play football with his peers on the playground. Or, for example, fearing that the child will break expensive toy, she does not allow the baby to let other children play in the kindergarten. Such prohibitions can lead to the fact that the child will either obey you and not trust you at all, or show aggression and defend his interests.

4. Punishment should be only for the conscious violation of the prohibition by the child, which he fully understands

If the baby reaches for the outlet with his hands, but his mother never told him that it was dangerous, you should not punish the child - it is better to calmly take him away from the dangerous place and explain what such an act is fraught with and why this should not be done.

If the child is the instigator of fights in kindergarten, the primary measure should not be punishment, but an explanation why his act is considered bad, what exactly he did wrong. The punishment should follow only when the baby, despite the explanation of the parents and the established prohibition, again does it his own way.

5. When setting limits, discuss them with all family members.

If, for example, the mother does not allow ice cream to be eaten on the street, but the grandmother, on the contrary, happily buys a treat for the baby on a walk, citing the fact that “we won’t tell mom about this,” the child will not form a stereotype correct behavior. The same thing happens if the parents do not allow the child to watch TV before bedtime or eat sweets before dinner, and the father does not consider this a ban and, in the absence of the mother, does not refuse the child's request to watch another cartoon or eat a chocolate bar.

In most of these cases, children begin to understand that with different people can behave differently, and quickly learn to benefit from this knowledge, which may negatively affect their behavior in the future. For example, the child will believe that breaking the prohibition when no one sees it will not lead to bad consequences, which means you can violate it without fear of punishment. Therefore, prohibitions should be uniform and all family members should monitor their observance by the child.

6. Be consistent in what you forbid

Be consistent in what you forbid your child. In the book, Catherine Dumonteil-Kremer advises parents to establish several axioms-prohibitions:

“These are decisions that are not discussed. It may piss you off that the child does not feel the difference, but it is. The only way you can help him is to listen carefully. After all, you say “no” not to injure your child, but due to circumstances beyond his control.

If your ban is some social norms, then the author advises parents to acquaint their child with them: show him excerpts from documents that are posted in in public places, talk about the fact that in any country there are laws that cannot be violated.

7. Adjust the list of restrictions

Do not forget that as the child grows up, some prohibitions will remain in force, and some not only can, but will need to be canceled. If, for example, you allowed a child at the age of seven to sit at the computer in free time only an hour or two, then at the age of 10-12 years, the time spent at the computer will probably have to be increased due to school assignments. The same applies to other prohibitions.

The kid helped around the house, painted beautiful drawing in the garden, did with my own hands grandmother's birthday card, learned to say "thank you" and "please", shared new toys - all this is undoubtedly worth your attention. Pay attention to it, tell him that you love, just hug. If parents scold the child for every violation of the ban, but do not pay attention to his efforts and achievements, he will constantly feel guilty, unloved and bad, which will lead to real problems with.

And remember that the establishment of boundaries should contribute to the harmony of the relationship between parents and the child. It should ensure his safety, form the principles of correct behavior and social skills, and not turn his life into a series of continuous prohibitions and fear of independence.

Victoria Kotlyarova

(12 votes : 3.83 out of 5 )

People know from childhood
What is etiquette...

And do you know what it is? The rules of etiquette for children are magic rules that will help you become a well-mannered, polite and friendly person. Knowing these rules, you will be able to communicate more easily and simply with your friends, parents, relatives and people completely unfamiliar to you. You can easily learn how to greet, give and receive gifts, how to visit, talk on the phone and much more ...

So, are you ready to learn? Then get to work!

Greeting rules

Rules of conduct with adults - For educated children

Friendship Rules - For Kids and Teens

It is very important to know the rules of conduct in the theater, cinema and at a concert not only for children, but also for adults. Since in our time there are also adults who behave not quite culturally at such events.

When going to a theater or a concert hall, you must remember a very strict rule established by etiquette regarding clothing in which you can visit such institutions. Take it seriously, so as not to look like a black sheep among the people present there!

It is not customary to come to the theater in jeans and sneakers, and even more so in tracksuit. Men usually wear a dark suit, light shirt and tie. Women, as usual, come in evening dresses.

You need to come to the theater or to a concert early so that there is enough time to put yourself in order, put your outerwear in the wardrobe, and just take a walk in the lobby.

If your place is in the middle of the row, try to take it in advance so as not to disturb those who are sitting at the beginning of the row. But if such a situation has already happened, go facing those sitting, and do not forget to ask for forgiveness for the trouble.

During the performance is in bad taste something to eat and drink

It is better not to go to the theater with a cold. With your cough, you will interfere with both the audience and the performers, and you yourself will find yourself in an awkward situation.

At a concert, do not sing along to the performer, understand, because people did not come here to listen to you sing.

At musical concerts, in order not to look stupid, do not rush to applaud if you do not know the piece of music very well, because a pause in the performance may not mean the end of the performance, but a break between parts.

In the cinema, the rules are simpler than in the theatre. However, you still shouldn't relax too much. There is no need to turn the cinema hall into a dumping ground for popcorn, candy papers and cans of drinks. Behave yourself.

Movie theaters don't usually shoot. outerwear. However, you must always remember about the people sitting behind you. Take off your hat before you are asked to. Not only boys should do this, but also girls.

If the person in front did it for you, be sure to thank him.

It's a sign of bad manners to predict what's going to happen in a movie. Do not comment on what you see, do not express your opinion about the film and attitude towards the characters in the course of viewing. It disturbs others. And if someone thinks otherwise, there can be an argument or a noisy discussion, which does not belong in a movie theater. Don't forget that people came to watch the movie, not to listen to comments and arguments.

Theater visit in Lately is becoming more and more popular among both young people and adults. That is why it is very important to know the rules of behavior in the theater, like the multiplication table. After all, if a child behaves provocatively in the theater, it will certainly attract condemning glances at his parents. In order not to blush and not feel awkward, you need to teach the child these simple rules in a timely manner.

How to give gifts

Not everyone knows how to give gifts correctly. But this event also has its own special rules of etiquette that should be learned and remembered.

The holiday is coming ... and we, as always, are at a loss ... But what ... to whom ... and how ... can we give?

So let's get started. How to give gifts according to the rules:

- When preparing a gift for your relatives, you can draw something, embroider something, do something with your own hands. For the birthday of your mother or father, you can learn a poem or learn a song.

If you are buying a gift for a friend in a store, ask an adult to help you choose it.

- It is indecent to give money to a friend and advise at the same time "to buy yourself whatever you want." If you really care about the gifted person, then you should work hard and come up with the right gift that will bring joy.

- First of all, it is important to take into account the tastes and hobbies of the recipient. Remember what this person loves and what he is fond of!

- It is best to pack a gift - unwrapping it is very nice!

- You can attach a card with a wish to the gift.

Don't forget to remove the price tag from the gift.

- You can not give animals, if it is not discussed in advance! Your friend will most likely be very happy, but his parents may be against it.

— New Year- This magical holiday when everyone is waiting for miracles and surprises! Therefore, gifts should be made to all relatives and friends, and gifts can be inexpensive, but pleasant trifles. In preparation New Year's gifts try to show a sense of humor - it will greatly please and amuse your friends and family.

- Remember, well-chosen and heartfelt gift a person will enjoy, and will remember well about you. No one will use a gift that is boring or made for a mere formality, such a gift will be given to someone, or even simply thrown away.

Now you know how to give gifts, which means you can safely wait for the next holidays to congratulate your loved ones according to all the rules of etiquette!