Psychologist's opinion. Frequent quarrels in a pair between a man and a woman

Discuss the problem, find a way out and calmly figure it out - no, they haven’t heard. But parting with the scandal, removing each other from social networks, sharing friends and reconciling in a few days (or months) is what the doctor ordered. PEOPLETALK talked to Dasha, who broke up with her boyfriend all the time, and at the same time found out from a psychologist Nadezhda Rimskaya(life coach, creator of the Anti-Cinderella movement and the author's program "Royal Club"), how to get out of this vicious circle.

"Why is he calling you so late?" (2009)

Our relationship began by chance, there was no particular passion between us, but for some reason from the very beginning the romance was stormy - he was jealous of me for all males, and I (proud and independent) was not going to make excuses with whom I go to the cinema or why I went alone to my best friend's birthday. As a result, the entire first year of our relationship, we parted because of jealousy. No real reasons, but passions were seething, and they needed a way out - parting and conciliatory sex became such a way out (as without it!). It is such a pleasant feeling - just recently you were so bitter (life is pain), and here you are again “together against the whole world”, and the problem does not need to be solved (it fades into the background for some time). Everyone around did not understand what we were doing together, neither did we. But there were no objective reasons to end the relationship.

Psychologist: There were no special feelings between the partners, they rather agreed out of boredom. They had no particular reason to get together, but there were no serious reasons to end everything. In such a situation, you need to communicate more with your partner, clarifying his expectations and reporting your own.

"Take off that skirt immediately!" (2010)

By some miracle, we survived the year. Gradually we got used to each other, learned to guess each other's mood, but jealousy scandals took on a new form - now they were about ... my clothes and lipstick color. “Are you going out in this? No, in this dress, walk only with me. I tried to become an ideal - less makeup, dresses not so short (I already have a man, why should I attract the attention of others). At some point, a friend called me and said that Dima(let's call it that) asked for the number of her friend (by the way, she wore short dresses). Then it turned out that she "just herself is jealous of you for me and wants to quarrel with us." We reconciled quickly, because we should be together. Who should? I still haven't figured it out.

Psychologist: Quarrels and scandals have already become the norm for them. They are united only by the fact that both of them are not confident in their partner and, like small children, continue to “rock the boat”, checking each other. At the same time, the man begins to realize that, no matter how far he goes, his partner will not go anywhere from him.

"Why don't you introduce me to your mother?" (2011)

Three years is already a long time. So the fact that I never got to know his mom was starting to make me a little nervous. Slightly. Little bit. I thought about it a couple of times a day. Maybe three. Not more. We broke up three times because of this. But he himself did not get along with her, so he simply did not consider it necessary to introduce us. A couple of scandals (“You are ashamed of me!” “I am an empty place for you”) - and they got back together again. After all, other people (even mom) are not the main thing, our relationship is a matter of two.

Psychologist: It is strange that only after three years the girl begins to think about why her partner does not choose her. The relationship did not develop until marriage. Getting to know your mother is certainly not the only problem. At this moment, the man once again fixes in his mind that “everyone is happy with everything,” which means that the style of communication “fuck off - come here” continues.

“We have less sex!” (2012)

We both became more mature, calmer, less and less sorted out the relationship and already thinking about a joint future. We started looking for an apartment (how long you can spend the night with each other), and I looked in the direction of the jewelry store (well, as I looked, I slightly squinted in that direction with my eye). True, he had a lot of work, I also disappeared in the office, we began to see each other less often (and sleep together), and this was a little annoying (a young body, after all).

Psychologist: The intimate side of relationships is not the most important thing for many couples. If both partners are satisfied with the frequency and quality of their intimate life, then everything is in order. But our heroine begins to be overcome by doubts.

"We're in Trouble" (2013)

“You know, I have been to the doctor, I may have problems conceiving in the future,” I can’t doom him to IVF or even adoption. Let him know what to expect. “We can handle it,” he replies unexpectedly. Wow! It turns out that I was not mistaken with the choice of a man. I am so grateful that in the coming months we do not quarrel, I lower everything on the brakes.

Psychologist: By the way, problems with conceiving a child can be psychosomatic. The body thus signals that the partner is not suitable for procreation.

"Oh this wedding" (2014)

“Of course, you have a lot of cockroaches,” he gently began a conversation in the car on the way to Sokolniki Park, where we were going to ride bicycles. “I’m not a gift either,” he quickly added (learned, the infection, for so many years to feel my approaching outbursts of anger). “In short, let's go to the registry office and sign. You're right, it's time to decide," he proudly concluded his romantic monologue. “Uh… ok,” the happy bride managed, frantically trying to remember the last time we had sex. But the offer seems to have been made, but for a gift horse, as they say ... I began to choose a dress and a restaurant.

Psychologist: A vague sentence is evidence of vague intentions.

“Hello, I’ve been waiting for you for an hour,” I say into the phone. "Hello, a Dima now in the shower, who is it? I hear in response. Very, very banal. Downright indecently banal. There is only one thought in my head: “He is so jealous, so he himself should not change” (impressive logic, right?). In general, we met. Julia turned out to be a nice girl who has been living with him for six months (in the second apartment), knows nothing about me (he is often on business trips) and for the sake of him gave up her dream - the job of a flight attendant (“She will fly, and men will pester her” ). Once he broke her face, but she herself is to blame (who would doubt it). I still decided to fight for him and this time not to part - I won’t say that I was jealous (although it hurt, whatever one may say), rather, I regretted so many years spent on this relationship. But it turned out differently.

After three days

"Hi. I'm in full * opera. Yesterday I just got drunk on firewood, and now I woke up in my apartment in bed with Denis(his acquaintance) and some naked chick. I don't remember if we had sex or not, what should I do?" - I hear all this from the handset. The pipe, however, is not mine. The mobile belongs to his best friend, on whose shoulder I just woke up and now, thanks to the loud speaker, I hear this incredible story (this is not revenge, we are just all people). "Soon Dasha must come," the "love of my life" panics. “I don’t even know what to advise you, I’m busy,” replies Kostya. Today we have Dima it would have been a six year relationship. As you might guess, he did not wait for me that day. And the next one too.

Psychologist: Quite a predictable ending for such a relationship. It is a pity for both young people who, from the very first day they met, kept putting off their separation, eventually dragging out the relationship for many years. The habit of going back to where it's bad is found in many couples. This is how our parents lived, this is how we live. But do not be afraid to change your life and part with those with whom it does not work out (even if you have feelings). You need to take a breath, make up your mind and, leaving, leave, otherwise, as we see, the relationship can last for many years, but not bring happiness. We must try to understand that in other relationships (with other people) both of you will be much happier, and let go. And if you still decide to stay together, then be prepared to compromise, change for the sake of a partner and not run into the bushes at the first problems. Perhaps you should consult a specialist together.

Put yourself in your partner's shoes. A simple rule that really works. Before you blame or criticize, think about how your loved one feels. Perhaps he could use a little understanding and support.

Don't forget to praise your loved one. We all know how to criticize, but we often forget to praise.

Don't go to bed in a quarrel. To wind yourself up during the night, then go to work, get angry - who needs it? Stretching the scandal over several days is a bad idea.

Do not take dirty linen out of the hut. No need to swear in public or in the company of friends. Solve the problem in private and in a calm environment. By the way, it’s also better for girlfriends not to know everything - you will forgive him, and they will remind you that he forgot about your anniversary (seven months and two weeks is a serious date, by the way).

Avoid insults. Try to solve the problem calmly so that later “fat”, “alphonse” and other unpleasant statements do not pop up in your head.

Don't Postpone the Problem. Conciliatory sex is always nice, but you must first solve the problem, and then put up as many times as you can.

Don't forget to apologize. And most importantly, it is important to understand for yourself what you are asking for forgiveness for.

Do not be silent. You don’t have to go through every little thing, but learn how to talk with your partner and discuss situations that are unpleasant for you.

Don't Compare. Don't compare your partner to a previous lover (especially out loud) or your best friend's husband. All couples have their problems.

Don't fight for the sake of fighting. If you're having a rough day or you're having a fight with a friend, don't take it out on your loved one.

k / f "The habit of parting" (2013)

Text: Alexey Karaulov
Illustrations: Sergey Radionov

How to distinguish a life partner who will be with you in wealth and poverty until the latter separates you from a casual acquaintance? Eating a pound of salt together is a dubious test of the strength of a future relationship. As a result, both of you will only get swelling of the face, which will have a bad effect on sex appeal. For a long, and most importantly, happy life together, it is not at all the ability to absorb sodium that is required, but other quite specific qualities: constructiveness, mental stability, the ability not to fall into the delirium of jealousy. Wanting to make your life easier, MAXIM, with the support of family psychologists from the Moscow branch of the Professional Psychoanalytic League, has compiled a list of situations in which you simply must visit with a girl. Until you have gone through the whole list, do not even think of calling her the mother of your children, or the trembling of your loins, or the moon of your life. To understand, she is the one or just a protracted adventure, you simply have to ...

Quarrel with her for a good reason

Of course, it's useful to know in advance if she can throw a waffle iron across the room and how long she can pull your hair out of your back. But first of all, something else is interesting. A quarrel is a tool for reaching a compromise, and you need to know how to use it. There are two main rules here. First of all, a good fight always contains a message. “You never put a cup in the sink”, “I, like a fool, sit alone all evening”, “Could you slam the door even harder tomorrow morning, otherwise I don’t wake up today?” are all examples of messages. They are easy to recognize by their pronouns and the words "always" and "never". Messages can be answered with counterarguments or a promise to fix things. If, during a skirmish, she simply shouts that you are a goat, it means that the quarrel failed. Frequent conflicts without messages are an alarming sign: you are clearly dealing with a hysterical woman who does not seek the truth, but indulges her quarrelsomeness. At a minimum, ask her leading questions: “Did I understand correctly what is bothering you ...” or “Maybe I need more often ...”, or even immediately run.

The second rule: it is better when the quarrel comes to an open confrontation. If a girl locked herself in the bath, went to her mother or sent you a text message “I know everything”, and then spent the night somewhere from Thursday to Sunday - this is an avoidance of the problem. The point of a good fight is not to make someone feel guilty, but to find a solution together. You can sometimes get a message out of a closed person by constantly repeating “Let's talk about it” and “What happened?”, But in general it is difficult to deal with a suppressed or interrupted quarrel. Buffer behavior is also bad when one of the partners tries to extinguish any conflict in the bud. If you have lived together for several years without quarrels at all, things can go as far as neuroses or buying an ax, a shovel and a large plastic bag. Jokes aside. A girl who does not let a quarrel flare up, flooding the fire with sex, jokes, more and more concessions (oral sex), is unlikely to become a good wife.

True and vice versa

The result of a quarrel is usually some kind of improvement, or at least an attempt at it. If a friend starts every evening with the mantra “I work all day like a damned woman, and you came and buried yourself in the telly!” “Perhaps you don’t quarrel with her like that. You certainly don't need to put out quarrels, even if they seem like riots to you, by banging your fist on the table or using force in some other way: this is also a kind of buffer behavior. Better try to understand the essence of her discontent. Does she not like being alone? Is she tired of housekeeping? Scared that love is leaving? It is worth getting to the roots - and everything will work out.

Leave her alone with the problem

How many times have you cursed her with the most port words, and then got out from behind a warm computer and rushed to the other end of the city - take the cat out of the hood, change a punctured tire, take her forgotten wallet to her ... So, next time - no need! Yes, we know the meaning of the word "gentleman", we understand that it is "not in a boyish way", and yet. No matter how nice it is for you to help her and no matter how much sex it promises as a reward, one day you have to do nothing. The keeper of your hearth should be able to independently get out of unforeseen situations. And do it without tantrums, resentment (“Scoundrel! While you were sitting here, I was looking for a phone on the Internet! The phone of this office!”) And shifting worries onto someone else’s shoulders: her ex, father or work colleagues. If today she can’t cope with the fact that her luggage was lost, her car was scratched at the car wash, and the ATM swallowed her card, imagine what will happen when you decide to have children. Can you leave her alone with a child if you are afraid to leave her even just alone? By the way, a special case of independence is the ability to take a hit. Have you ever been present when a stranger unfairly offends her? And it should. If she doesn’t sit down to roar in the middle of the street in response to rudeness, doesn’t beat the waiter with a pepper pot and doesn’t resort to cursing, this is a good sign. Otherwise, you will have to educate her for a long, long time. Do you need it?

True and vice versa

If you treat the woman with whom you live as a machine for performing tedious but necessary work (and at the same time she is not your mother; although if she is a mother, then things are really bad) - this is also a form of dependence. It is possible that once you come home, you will not find there not only freshness, cleanliness and dinner, but also the girlfriend herself.

Try not to have sex

God forbid that the sun of your passion never sets, and the moon of erectile dysfunction does not look out the window, but still anything can happen. It is useful to find out how your candidate for life companion will endure a week or two without sex. There are many ways to do this: a business trip, a simple operation (sex is contraindicated even after laser vision correction), and finally, you can also have a headache! There are two bad scenarios: having lost the core, the nymphomaniac can go rogue, up to accusations of impotence or treason, and the nature prone to anorgasmia will not notice deprivation at all. All this is fraught with problems in the future: the absence of an alternative relational cement will not allow you to normally survive either pregnancy or, if it comes to that, her menopause. A positive reaction to forced celibacy is languor, jokes with subtext, etc. And in general, a bright head will always find something to fill the sexual vacuum with!

True and vice versa

A man who is unable to live on porn products for a couple of weeks is doomed. Yes, of course, sex with prostitutes in some primitive cultures is not considered treason, but still ... If, with her words “Darling, the doctor said, we can’t do it yet,” you start mentally looking for a replacement for her - perhaps you should not be together.

provoke jealousy

Maybe women don’t flock to you like flies to pheromones, but the jealousy factor will arise sooner or later. To your ex, to your secretary, or to the ghosts that your friend wove herself out of thin air and suspicion. It is the delusion of jealousy (an obsessive desire to be jealous of you from scratch) that represents the greatest danger. If you encounter him, get ready for the appearance of a family psychotherapist in your family life: the delirium of jealousy does not go away by itself. Another unhealthy symptom is overreactions to your punctures. If you are deprived of sex for a month because you wrote to someone in “Contact” “Cool stretch! Can you do this without clothes? - get ready for the feat of self-denial and lies. In general, it is quite difficult to be jealous properly. At a minimum, you and your girlfriend should have a conversation that clarifies the boundaries of permitted flirting. And she should never deprive you of the concessions already made. If you were once allowed to drive anyone to work, as long as there are condoms in the glove compartment, then you can’t say: “No, I thought that you weren’t allowed to do this after all.” At least, the ideal future wife behaves that way.

True and vice versa

Concessions in matters of jealousy are not uncommon in the early stages of a relationship. Never tell her, “Of course, go dance with him, sunshine, while I lie under the table,” no matter how much you want to seem like a generous and open-minded person. The boundaries of permitted flirting are difficult to redraw. Keep this in mind and be honest with your friend about your reactions to her behavior.

Get to know the parents

If there are two parents, it's already good. Daughters of divorcees quite often grow up to be secret furies simply because their childhood was poisoned by stories about what bastards all men are. But much more than a father, you should be interested in her mother and the relationship of your chosen one with her. Firstly, it is dangerous when a girl, for any petty reason, turns to her mother for advice, constantly seeks her support and climbs on her knees with her legs, while being a candidate of science and a master of sports in skiing. Psychologists in such cases would say that your chosen one has not passed the stage of "alienation" from the parent. Torn from her mother after marriage, guess who she'll cling to just as hard? If you don’t want to answer calls eight times a day with the phrase “No, I’m not going home yet,” try not to choose your mother’s daughter as your life partner. Or at least be prepared to take her to a family counselor. Secondly, be on your guard, noticing any deviations from the usual polite goodwill. Is your betrothed cold with her mother? Do they manage to quarrel in half an hour of communication? Constantly poking each other across the table with stingers oozing sarcasm? Be sure that this behavior will certainly be transferred to your children. Decide in advance whether you are ready to raise a notorious hysteroid or neurotic. And at least point out to your friend the pattern of behavior that frightens you. Awareness is halfway to solving a problem.

True and vice versa

For the time being, you may not notice anything like that in yourself, but if your parents practiced sexual hypocrisy, henpeckedness and libations, at least tell your friend about it. And ask them to pull you up when you step on the path of your ancestors.

Involve her in a stressful situation

“I didn’t turn there?! You have a map! You said it!..” In the era of early GPS, such conversations with girls happened quite often. Today, there are fewer nervous situations that require your coordinated actions, but that makes them more valuable. Trying to assemble a closet together or get out of the riot police cordon at an opposition rally, people often reveal their unsightly essence. Hysteria, panic stupor, an attempt to blame you, aggression, unjustified accusations of impotence - all this can doze under a bushel for the time being and crawl out to the surface just at such a stressful moment. Why would it be good to know in advance about her transformation into the Hulk, confusing right and left? That's right, after the birth of a child, the number of such situations will increase, and hormones will certainly not make your chosen one more calm.

True and vice versa

If at such moments the merger of two souls, one of which all the time tilts the cabinet wall, although you told her a hundred times “Keep it straight”, - well, if at such moments she really infuriates you and seems like an impenetrably armless dumbass ... It’s not up to us to decide, is it true. Just keep in mind that getting along with you may not be easy.

Get through the crisis together

The phrase “We can’t afford it now” can freeze other relationships cleaner than leaving the air conditioner on all night. But in addition to the financial crisis, there are others: you can get sick, temporarily lose your job, lose a loved one, get caught by robbers. What, in this case, potential love-to-the-death absolutely should not do is exacerbate your situation with subterfuges, even if very witty, or phrases like "You're to spite me." A couple always goes through crises just as a couple. If one of you is looking for solace not in the other, but in the drug addiction of the problem (meaning any displacement of grief by an obsessive habit - from alcohol to playing the console) or on the side, things are rubbish. The real chosen one will understand everything and take care of you herself. There can be no exceptions to this rule.

By the way, some psychologists suggest considering any crisis as a "temporary drop in the level of attractiveness." In marriage and cohabitation, couples are usually stable, in which these levels were initially approximately equal. And not only external sex appeal counts, but also any attributes of strength: financial position, intellect, ability for moral and personal growth. If the levels are unequal, the crisis will be permanent: one of you (okay, why just one, maybe one) will feel inferior, and this will slowly undermine the relationship.

True and vice versa

Can't get over the fact that she put on a few pounds while waiting in line for a kidney donation? Alas, you are the weak link in this pair. The correct reactions to a crisis are sympathy, generosity, readiness for self-sacrifice, readiness to develop a plan of joint action ... If you don’t notice anything of this in yourself, perhaps you shouldn’t make an offer to this particular girl. When she gives birth and will meet you from work shouting: “Look, look! Do I really look like a hippopotamus with these legs?” Your cold heart can't take it. It's better not to bring it up.

Find an irreparable flaw

In our age of bioimplants and invisaligns, almost nothing is a sentence. And yet, your girlfriend certainly boasts at least some shortcomings - otherwise why would she date an ordinary you? Before you decide to live happily ever after with her, find at least one truly irreparable flaw. It can be non-melodious laughter, the habit of fainting after sex in a stuffy heated bathroom, always cold feet - in general, you understand. Something fundamentally not corrected either by willpower or by the efforts of a surgeon. Be sure: when the passion subsides and you cease to be each other's walking factories for the production of oxytocins, any "factory" defect will enrage you much more than in the first months of dating. You have to be aware that this is not going anywhere. If you can't live with it now, it will only get worse. If you can, then the girl is perfect.

True and vice versa

In the first months or even years after we meet, we tend to play the role of people who are somewhat better than they actually are. A little more faithful, with a little less hair sticking out of the ears, without the habit of waking up in the middle of the night and stealthily eating. Perhaps the best tactic at first is to let the flaws show up. Moreover, neurolinguists have a hypothesis that women often make mistakes in assessing someone else's personality, because they are used to thinking cataphatically, that is, descriptively: "My beloved should be tall, brunette, in a suit and with a large balance." Men are more often characterized by exclusive, apophatic thinking: "She should not burr, be dirty and drag dogs into the house." Simply put, thanks to this difference in the perception of the world, it is easier for a woman to see your shortcomings. Help her not to be deceived.

Go on vacation together

Think about it, does a joint vacation remind you of anything? You can’t get away from each other, sometimes you have to get out of bed to get food, come to spend the night in the same place and share the budget. That's right, this is family life in miniature! Can you bear it twenty-four hours a day? Does she start acting up when the unique entertainment ends and you say: “Maybe we should go sunbathing again?” Do you have common topics of conversation after the third time in a night? And after the fourth? What is there! Vacation allows you to test even her inner mistress. The fact that invisible Vietnamese elves are putting things in order only contributes to your companion revealing herself in all her slovenliness. Does she toss the towels on the floor, knowing that they will be removed anyway, or does she fold them, knowing the same thing? Does he leave the mangosteen skins on the bedside table, or does he go out onto the balcony and leave them for the geckos? From a drop of water, a sage can guess the existence of the ocean. And now, on vacation, it is in your power to see an ocean of problems on the horizon.

True and vice versa

If the missus shows too obvious independence, leaving you to drink in the company of newfound Australian friends, it is possible that your union did not stand the test of communication. And not because of her at all. Most often, the split line runs through the absence of a common hobby. She likes to climb the reefs with a camera, and you like to wallow in the shade? She invites you to the Dali Museum, do you like to wallow in the shade? She loves to wallow in the shade and read... oh my! However, different interests in themselves are not a verdict on relationships. What matters is how you respond to this difference. If one of you, having taken off his T-shirt with the inscription "sex instructor", reluctantly compromises - posing, looking for shells, meekly walking around the market - then everything is not so bad. In the end, family life will consist of compromises. And if the irritation overflows, you can always quarrel! Fortunately, this is also useful, as we have already found out.

see her drunk

The behavior of a drunk person depends not only on the mood at the time of the onset of drinking. In many ways, demons rushing outward are determined by the psycho-constitution. So getting drunk together is perhaps the easiest of the psychological tests. In essence, alcohol destroys verbal and ethical superstructures, exposing the ins and outs of a person. It’s not a fact that what you see will scare you or turn you away from the girl, but it will certainly give you food for thought. For our part, we will provide you with a reminder. Exalted, demonstrative and hyperthymic persons are usually always ready for dancing, fun and self-promotion. They do not pose a long-term danger. True, a cyclothymic girl (extremely dependent on mood swings) can also dance on the parapet and lean out topless out the car window, and this is already a risk group. Fortunately, it will be easy to recognize her after throwing tequila a few more times: in dysthymic types, drunken antics are never alike. Excitable and emotive natures are also at risk, but they themselves, without our prompting, will alert you with a tendency to abuse and aggression. Falling asleep by the end of the evening, psychasthenics and pedants are the most pleasant in communication, even when they sober up. In general, the behavior of a drunk person is just a marker. With good self-control, a girl may never give you anything like that in ordinary life.

True and vice versa

No matter how you behave after nine shots of tequila, the main thing is your desire to sometimes sober up and return to normal life. If you're drinking yourself unconscious, it's best to let your friend know ahead of time (and check your kidneys, by the way). For the rest, let her judge for herself whether she likes you drunk. Although what are we ... Of course, you like it! How else would you have sex for the first time!

Program minimum

If you are too lazy to go through all of the above tests, pay attention to at least these three points. You can understand a lot about a girl by knowing how she behaves ...

In the bed

Trite, but true. The incompatibility of temperaments has destroyed more than one marriage. If you need a lot, and she is miserable once a day, then this can still be corrected: over the years, your appetites will decrease, and hers will grow. It's worse if you mess with a nymphomaniac. The discrepancy between “roles”, as Fromm defined them, is also dangerous: if you are authoritarian in sex, only a secret or overt masochist will suit you. Although these are already subtleties.

In company

For the first time, being in an unfamiliar party, a girl may wither or, conversely, go too far with self-promotion. But what she definitely shouldn't do when she finds herself at a dacha or a yacht in the company of your family friends is sleeping with one of them, hiding in a corner or asking to go home. Normal socialization lies somewhere in the range between lukewarm politeness and becoming the soul of the company.

During PMS

Another check from which there is no escape. Before turning into a grandmother, your missus will remain a woman for some time, which means that something like this will roll over her every month. Either tears, or rage, or all together (and sprinkle chocolate on top, please!). It's in your best interest to somehow get her home in one PMS before she moves in with you.

The fact that you are quarreling shows that you care about what happens between you. You still care about each other. Otherwise, you would not react so violently to what is happening, there would be no heat of passion. However, the quarrel also indicates that not everything between you is as perfect and smooth as we would like. There is some problem that is causing the conflict.

A quarrel indicates a change in the situation and that yours are developing. It is the controversial issues and conflict situations that arise between loving people that force them to work together to find a solution to the problem, to try to change and become better in order to keep their love.

If it so happened that you can no longer hold emotions in yourself and feel that it is necessary to sort out the relationship, you should know a few, following which you will be able to avoid a break with your loved one and successfully resolve the problem that caused the conflict.

1. Learn to listen.

To be able to hear the arguments of the opponent during the showdown is a very expensive quality. Make an effort to interrupt your angry tirade. So you will have the opportunity to hear the arguments of your loved one and understand him.

2. Choose the right place and time to sort things out.

Do not allow your quarrel to take place in front of strangers, especially when it comes to your guests. If they witness a domestic scandal, they will want to leave your home and never come back. As the popular proverb says, “little linen is not taken out of the hut”, it is worth listening to it - gossip is useless to you. Also, do not start a quarrel when you and your loved one are in a hurry in the morning, going to work. Lack of time and haste will only increase irritation and raise the degree of conflict. And especially you should not quarrel during intimacy with your loved one.

Photo: Depositphotos

3. Stay in control.

When, in the midst of the proceedings, you get the feeling that you are no longer in control of the situation and irritation, anger is increasing and increasing, tell yourself “stop” and try to slow down so as not to overstep the limit. Anger is not the best adviser. Usually we later regret the words spoken under the influence of negative emotions.

4. Feel free to talk to your loved one about what worries you.

If something in your relationship worries, irritates or upsets you, do not be afraid to tell your loved one about it. Silently hiding your discontent and putting up with what you don’t like is wrong. Firstly, most likely he does not even know that you are unhappy with something. Secondly, irritation and resentment will accumulate in your soul until they reach their limit and rush out, causing a grandiose scandal. If you are truly loved, they will listen to your words, try to understand how you feel, and will do everything possible to solve the problem, find a compromise. If not, then it's probably not worth holding on to a person who doesn't care about your feelings and experiences.

5. Feel free to ask when you don't understand something.

Do you think that you can read the thoughts of your loved one and understand him well? You are wrong. If you do not ask questions about what is so important to you, if you communicate little with each other, then there is a risk of remaining misunderstood. If you see that your loved one is upset about something, let him speak out, explain the reason, and do not speculate and do not invent something that is not there. Listen carefully, try to understand.

Photo: Depositphotos

6. Try to see the problem through his eyes.

We are so arranged that everyone is completely sure that he is right. Quarrels arise because we evaluate the situation from our side, without thinking about how a loved one sees it. Try to look at what is happening through his eyes, this will help you figure out why he does it, what he feels. Put yourself in his place, and you will understand why he is in conflict with you. Do not exclude the fact that in this situation there is your fault.

7. Do not allow yourself to insult your loved one.

No matter how passions boil during a quarrel, never allow yourself to insult and humiliate your partner. It often happens in life: quarreled - reconciled, but the words spoken by your loved ones in a temper and humiliated you will live in memory for a long time, poisoning your feelings. Respect your loved one even when you are angry or offended by him. Take care of each other and your love.

Photo: Depositphotos

Every fight helps us get to know each other better. We have an incentive to improve, to work on making the relationship stronger. Quarrels help to identify vulnerabilities. Thanks to quarrels, all the differences and contradictions that exist between you come to the surface. By joint efforts, you can always find a way out of the problem, eliminate what prevents you from harmonizing your relationship.

If you are lucky enough to find “your person”, if this is true love, then no matter how much you quarrel, still make every effort to save the relationship and make peace, and love each other even more.

Frequent quarrels in a relationship make both sides of the couple suffer. And not infrequently the thought arises to quit everything so that it finally ends. But it doesn't make sense to change the boat if you can't handle the oars. So, learn to avoid conflicts and make your life happier!

High expectations

Often one of the partners of a love relationship thinks that later he will cope with the shortcomings of his beloved / beloved. However, after unsuccessful attempts, it begins to strain both.

Sometimes it's just enough to start accepting a person for who they are and stop changing them.

Tired of each other

It starts when people spend a lot of time together. Then all interesting topics are reduced to a minimum, there is more silence, disagreement, irritation, etc. That is why psychologists advise sometimes to take a break from each other.

Jealousy

Everything seems suspicious to the jealous: the second half returns from work for a long time, unfamiliar numbers call, too revealing outfit, etc.

Often this can be eradicated by greater openness with such a person and the exclusion of those moments that annoy him so much:

• stop communicating with people of the opposite sex;
• call back unknown numbers together;
• talk on the phone on the way home if you are late, etc.

stress

They can arise in connection with an emergency at work, poor health, misunderstanding with parents, fatigue, lack of sleep, etc. In such cases, there is often unreasonable criticism and a sharper reaction to everything that happens around.

Living with such a person, you just need to be patient and start taking action: give more time to rest, send for treatment, help with business.

Outside Influence

It also happens that others are not happy with your choice, so they try their best to “open your eyes”. While you are defending your loved one in front of them, you still unconsciously begin to pay attention to what they have been talking about so hard. There is irritation and frequent quarrels.

You can eliminate this by forbidding discussion of your partner, or by minimizing communication with strangers.

What to do

Frequent quarrels are, in principle, the norm. This means that people are not indifferent to each other. And if your partner still stays with you, despite the systematic abuse, then this says a lot.

Don't bring up the past

If you have already tried to do this, you probably noticed how you began to react sharply to moments that are somehow connected with the past, although before you lived and did not think about anything.

It is rightly said: the less you know, the better you sleep. Forget about what happened before you and do not be interested in it, and you will not have any jealousy, no “troubles”, or other “headaches”. This person is already with you. What else is needed?

Don't leave questions unresolved

It would seem that sometimes it’s better to just end the quarrel, bringing it to “no” with silence or assent. Indeed, this can be done, and life is much calmer. However, this only applies to cases where you will not return to these situations.

If you would like to subsequently exclude such actions of your partner, then it is worth talking. But this also needs to be done correctly:

• talk about what made you nervous: “It was unpleasant for me when you ...”;
• ask, if possible, not to do this again: “Please don’t do this again - don’t make me nervous”;
• offer an alternative (what a person should do so that it does not cause you negative emotions).

Important!
Do not forget the proverb "If you like to ride, love to carry sleds." This means that you cannot constantly ask without giving something in return. This can be expressed in gratitude, pleasant words, care, tenderness and readiness to fulfill the partner's requests in response.

Forget the words "You must / must!"

Nobody owes you anything. You are an accomplished person with arms, legs and brains. Even your own parents don't owe you anything. Take it for granted. A person helps - good, no - well, okay, then you can handle it yourself.

A very simple solution is to replace the words "You should / should" with "I would be pleased if you ...". Believe me, the effect will be completely different! A person who did not even want to do something is likely to meet you halfway.

And do not forget about the elementary rules of ethics - use the word "please" more often.

Lower the bar on expectations and demands

Most often, the reason for frequent quarrels in a relationship is that one of the partners demands too much, and the second cannot give it. In this case, it is worth remembering once again that there are no ideal people. Therefore, you do not need to strive to remake a person so that you are comfortable. This is the lot of egoists.

Do you know why in calm couples there are much fewer quarrels than you? Because they do not require that the boots do not constantly get in the way in the hallway - the one who does not like it simply silently removes them himself; they think: if the dishes were not cleaned after dinner, it means that the person did not have the time or mood to do it, well, or he doesn’t bother with it at all.

Don't stop accepting each other

Here are examples of how a person's worldview changes over time:

• The guy is the "soul" of the company. He knows a lot of jokes, is always in a good mood, and will support any conversation. At first, for a girl, he is an attractive and charismatic young man who does not want to reveal his problems in public. Then, when the couple lives together for a long time, the capricious lady begins to perceive his behavior as "show off" and carelessness, which is expressed in the fact that the man does not care about everything. As a result, he begins to annoy her, so she begins to “nag” him.
• The girl is able to fight back, she is bright and obstinate. Her partner is attracted to this, he considers this trait special, he says: “Damn it, my kitty is releasing her claws again!”. After a couple of years of marriage, she becomes for him "a bitch who just wants to tame him."

So why are we... You need to periodically return to those feelings and sensations that you had before - at the first stage of the relationship. At a time when you considered all these shortcomings to be virtues that make you smile and say: “Well, yes, that’s how he is - my beloved person.”

Important!
If you don’t like something in a person, it’s not his fault, but your whim. What annoys you may be attractive to other people.

Learn to fight the right way

So the fight starts. What does each of the interlocutors often do? He starts to defend himself. And not in the most friendly way. Such a conversation almost never leads to anything.

There are ways to make conflict more fruitful. For this you need:

• speak only calmly;
• if you see that the interlocutor is heated, say that you will not talk to him in that tone, it is better to wait until both of you "leave";
• you do not need to prove your opinion, but you need to voice it and back it up with facts, arguments;
• you can’t interrupt your partner, as this is often annoying, which leads to a bad reaction;
• remember: it is better to remain silent than to yell and offend the interlocutor.

Control what is said

Do you like to get excited and say a bunch of nasty things during a quarrel with a girl or a guy? Then don't be surprised when your relationship deteriorates.

The fact is that no matter how you later deny that, they say, it was said from evil, your soulmate will remember all those offensive words for a long time.

After this, there is often a cooling towards a person, because we all want to be idolized, not humiliated.

Know how to ask

This point is very important, because, most often, it is here that the “dog is buried”. Take a look at yourself. How you communicate? Would you like to be spoken to in the same way? It is not certain that the answers to these questions will satisfy you.

Know how to admit to yourself if, indeed, there are claims, instructions, etc. from your side.

If this is your case, then remember:

Start communicating with your significant other the way you would like to be communicated with you. See how your relationship will change! And almost immediately, as soon as you start to succeed!

Most importantly, be gentle. No one likes it when there are claims, reproaches, direct criticism, etc. in the conversation.

Here are examples of what was said of the same meaning, but in different words:

- Badly:“How do you cook? Well, there is always a lot of salt! It's impossible to eat!"

Good: May I ask you to add less salt next time? Salt, please, less - so, it seems to me, it will be even tastier!

- Badly:"You're so lazy you can't even babysit!"

Good:"Could you babysit? And I would like to do some things. And by the evening I won’t be so tired, well, you know what I mean ... ”.

Learn to accept rejection. If you received a "no" in response to your request, try to understand the person why he did so. Maybe he doesn't feel well, he promised to meet/help a friend, he's just tired, or he even thinks it's not his responsibility - these are all NORMAL explanations.

If they do not suit you, either put up with it, or try to act cunningly. For example:

1. If the wife stopped taking care of herself, tell her about how beautiful she was before, especially in that outfit and with such and such a hairstyle, and as soon as she "conjures" herself, admire her appearance, make a lot of compliments.
2. Also in the case of a man: not everyone considers it normal to help his wife around the house. However, you can also involve him in this. For example, when rolling out dough for dumplings, ask him to help you. You need to base your request on the fact that you are doing so badly, and it’s a little hard for you, and he, so strong and “handy”, will definitely help you make perfect dumplings!

In the end, I would like to wish every reader to start applying these tips in their lives. There is no need to be afraid to make concessions, because this is not a weakness, but a strength, a talent that everyone can acquire!

And one more thing: before you collect things after another quarrel, think about whether you will really be fine without this person? Is there such a weighty reason why a quarrel occurs? Is she worthy of your nerves?

Video: How to quarrel so that you no longer quarrel

Check out the information from certified psychologists and relationship experts to find out why most couples fight most often and how to deal with such problems.

Money

Expenses are the most common cause of skirmishes between partners, so the statistics say. This is not at all surprising when you consider that so many people share income with their partners these days. We all have different financial levels. Some are from a rich family and some are from a poor family. No matter how your couple is doing, you both probably have clear ideas about how finances should be distributed. To stop fighting over pay and expenses, try discussing how each of you handles money and how you can manage a mutual fund.

intimate life

If you have been together for several years or even decades, you have probably already noticed that over time, relationships lose the heat that overwhelms them in the early stages. This is especially noticeable if you live under the same roof and have a similar schedule. Then it starts to seem to you that you spend too much time together. In this case, intimate life may suffer. This is a serious problem that often causes discord in relationships. If you notice that intimate contacts are becoming less and less, and you also lose understanding of the importance of such experiences, relationships become unpleasant and tense. Discuss what your intimate needs are and what you think is healthy in a relationship. Love is like a plant that needs to be watered and you should always work towards the happiness of your union.

Spending time apart

No matter what stage you are in a relationship, you may find it difficult to find a balance between the time you spend apart and the time you spend together. It's okay if you have your own friends and interests outside of the relationship, you need a partner who understands and supports that. Discuss what you consider a healthy balance, support your partner's individual efforts as well as their professional life. This will help you appreciate the time you spend together.

Lack of communication

People in relationships often suffer from the fact that they cannot discuss various problems with each other. In this case, even the simplest plans, like what you want to do on the weekend, can become difficult. Talking about the future of your relationship, about living together, about sex, children, financial problems and the like will become an even more serious problem for you. Both should have developed basic communication skills: learn to listen and speak as clearly as possible, otherwise it will be difficult for you to ensure that your needs are met. You will not be able to achieve mutual understanding if there are omissions and a lack of communication on the way. As a result, communication deteriorates and a vicious circle is obtained.

Problems with managing emotions

Communication is very important, but it is equally important to be able to clearly identify your own emotions. This is essential for a successful and lasting relationship. When one or both partners have trouble identifying and expressing their emotions in a constructive way, this leads to problems at the level of understanding. As a result, there are omissions that interfere with how to get close. In addition, as a result, one of the partners often feels that the other does not perceive him in the right way and does not understand. A situation arises where only one person is forced to constantly adjust to the mood swings of another and understand his emotions. For some couples it works, but not for all. The problem can arise because a person who has difficulty expressing emotions ends up keeping their thoughts to themselves. In this situation, working with a therapist can help. The sooner you go to family therapy, the better, because over time, more and more negativity and problems will accumulate. Resolving them will be much more difficult.

Separation of household duties

Determining who takes out the trash, washes the kitchen surfaces, does the laundry, and the like is not always easy for couples. Statistically, even people who are not in a romantic relationship have conflicts over this with their roommates. It can be very difficult to determine who has what responsibilities. Try making a list of all the things you need to do, note how often, and assign each of them a portion of those things. Stick to a well thought out plan. Sometimes you can delegate part of the responsibilities, because it is better to spend money on a housekeeper than to get a divorce.

Communication with friends and relatives

When you live alone, you can always decide who and when to invite. If you share a home with someone else, their opinion matters, and it can be very different from yours. In addition, your partner may have a completely different schedule, which leads to the fact that he needs silence when you would like to do something else. In addition, we all have our own characteristics and desires in terms of communication. Discuss how much time it would be appropriate for each of you to spend in the company of friends or loved ones. This is especially important if you work different hours or if you have your own personal space preferences. Try not to violate the boundaries of the other person and go to meet him.

Sleep at the same time, together

This problem is related to different schedules, but sometimes people just have different biorhythms: someone is an owl, and someone is a lark. Because of this, you can start to move away from each other. If you sleep in different rooms or at different times, your intimate life suffers. People feel the distance growing between them and their partners when they go to bed alone and don't experience intimacy. Discuss how important this is to you personally. For some it doesn't matter, but for most it does matter. If you want to sleep together, explain to your partner why this is important to you. If your schedules match, make an effort to go to bed as often as possible.

Unresolved Issues

There are two types of unresolved issues that can negatively impact your relationship. If you are able to deal with them, they only strengthen the bond and lead to personal development. Firstly, emotional problems can often be associated with previous romantic relationships or some kind of conflict in the family. Let's say a person has experienced infidelity in the past and now cannot fully trust his partner. Second, there are unresolved issues in the past of current relationships that no one has ever discussed. For example, the partners broke up for a while, and then got back together, but did not discuss the reasons that pushed for the breakup. This leads to problems in the stability of relationships and makes it difficult to trust a partner.

sexual difficulties

Many people have a fairly satisfying sex life, but some people never deal with their problems, although they constantly experience them. People live in discontent and say nothing. This can lead to serious problems in the long run. Do not have sex that does not bring pleasure, and do not talk about your needs. Normal sexual relations are an important component of a healthy union. If you have problems related to this, seek help from a therapist.