Why is the child aggressive? What to do about aggressive behavior? types of aggressive children

There are 2 opposing opinions in the article. At the beginning it is written that you need to “not notice” hostility, and at the end, on the contrary, if you ignore these manifestations, then it will become a habit. And how to understand it? For me, as the mother of the aggressor, which path should I choose?

Hello! My daughter will be 9 years old! Since her mother's birth, the girl is active and independent! But we can't get along with her! We have constant skandami’ and seriki. The child does not hear me at all. Constantly yelling 'pulls on his younger brother! Outside the house, she is an ideal child’ neither in the garden nor at school they complain’ but on the contrary they praise! They tell me that Lera cannot be such a disobedient child! As soon as we come home, a scandal starts again because of something! But after half an hour, as if nothing had happened, she is talking to us!

1. Good day, Oksana. There is such a thing as an “emotional rear” for a child. This is when a child does well at school or is praised in the garden for good behavior, but when he comes home, he relaxes. This is manifested in whims, tantrums, disobedience. Try to listen to your daughter, talk about her successes and failures during the day, play quiet games alone, devoting at least 20-30 minutes a day only to communicate with her, putting aside all household chores. It is recommended to seek an internal consultation with a psychologist for a more detailed analysis of the problem.

Hello. Son is 5 years old. Shows aggression towards all family members. Outside the house he is an angel. If something is not on it, it instantly flashes. Can hit, starts screaming, says hurtful words.
I'm worried about what's going on in his garden. He absolutely does not want to go there. To all the questions what is happening, is someone offending you? The answer is no, the garden is boring. When I take him to the garden, he cries and I have to literally drag him.
I can't understand - maybe I'm doing something wrong? Am I raising him wrong? Or is there something bothering him?

Adaptation of a child in a new family, sometimes, takes a certain amount of time, much depends on the child's age and character traits. Joint family sessions with a psychologist will help in this matter. If necessary, an aggressive child may need to be treated with sedatives after consulting a neurologist.

Hello. I do not beat my daughter and treat her kindly. She is 5 years 8 months old. She beats me with strong aggression, clenching her teeth. He bites and pinches, angrily asks: “Well, what hurts you?” I say yes. And it pleases her and she starts to beat even harder. How can I be in such cases? I give a sedative + magnesium B6.

1. Most likely, the child is driven by curiosity, but what will happen if you pinch, hit your mother? Or the child seeks your attention in such a way, because it does not know how to do otherwise. In such cases, it is necessary to hug your daughter as often as possible, to say how much you love her, to kiss her. Clearly and without shouting to indicate that you do not like this behavior, you can’t do that. You also need to limit the viewing of cartoons, TV in general.

2. The child begins to bite his nails when he experiences increased anxiety, emotional stress. You need to think in what situations does this most often occur? Perhaps there are factors due to which the baby experiences stress. Try to provide a friendly atmosphere at home, captivate the child with some interesting activity (dancing, swimming, drawing), do not scold, do not threaten that the fingers will be crooked in the future, this will not work, but can only cause additional nervousness. It would be right to visit a child psychologist for a more detailed discussion of the problem.

My daughter is 11 years old - we are in the fifth grade - a change in teachers and requirements! She is constantly worried that she will be scolded for bad grades. I also have a 3 year old son. She is very jealous of him. As a result, there was aggression and unwillingness to go to school, hatred for teachers, not understanding why to live. I don't know how to help her!

My child has a moderate VR, behaves aggressively. He was lying down 2 times a day from drugs Tizertsin, but he got used to the pills, they do not work on him, daily complaints about behavior, aggression, according to the teacher and teachers, he does not sit in the classroom, and prevents other children from studying. When contacting, he makes a reservation, in the dining room he eats ugly ... At home he behaves better, but basically the same. I don’t want him to be transferred to individual lessons, otherwise I think he will run wild. Help please, advise something. Thanks in advance!!

My daughter is 10 years old, half a year ago we returned from abroad, where we lived for 5 years, that is, from the age of 4 she did not have enough friends, a lack of communication, especially girls. In the last year, she was friends with two boys a year older and a year younger than her, the boys are very calm, compliant, their daughter led them. Now it is difficult for her to find a common language with her peers, she can swear, be rude, and after that she herself suffers from this, I try to talk to her, explain that you need to go to the guys with kindness, a smile, a positive, but this adaptation is somehow hard for us ((. She is a late child in the family, we love her, we can spoil her somewhere, we have good relations with my husband, we don’t swear, we don’t shout, where does she get this negativity and aggression? I don’t know what to do with it (

Daughter 2 years old, she attacks children, pushes, bites, what to do. I explain to her what you are doing, then she apologizes and kisses, promises that she will not do this again, but still.

In the fifth grade, there are two twin girls, one of them has had frequent mood swings, whims, and aggression towards her sister since the first grade. In the 5th grade, there were problems with teachers, one of the sisters does not want to go to the blackboard at the teacher's request, she simply ignores the teacher's request. What can be done in this situation?

My son is 11 years old, they gave him a welcome phone for the new year, the son promised to obey and improve his performance at school. He downloaded the game to his phone and constantly plays, his academic performance has decreased, he does not want to do anything at home, he snaps at comments, screams. Tried to pick up the phone, shows aggression in actions and words. I can not convey his words just ashamed and insulting. He has always been a kind boy. Since childhood, he was spoiled, corporal punishment was not used, sometimes he was scolded. I don't know what to do with it.

My 10 year old daughter is being aggressive and boorish towards me, my grandmother. She doesn’t want to do her homework, denies obvious things, says that she doesn’t need it, that she’s lazy ... I always begin to understand her behavior in a good way, but all my arguments always lead to conflict. It is very hard from impotence before what is happening. The daughter grows up in a prosperous family, does not need anything. Help to understand the reasons for her aggression.

I have a 14 year old son. Studying in 7th grade. Studying is not bad. But he stopped communicating with classmates, there are constant conflicts at home, offends his grandmother and younger brother, dad does not live with us. Constant scandals. And it gets worse and worse. I think maybe he is jealous of his younger brother, he is 8 years old.

My son is 9 years old, almost 10. Recently he has become aggressive, lying, skipping school and training. When I try to talk and figure it out, he freaks out, stomps his feet, snaps. They don't get bullied at school. Studying well. What to do?

Advise how to be, at school my ten-year-old daughter behaves aggressively towards her classmates, beats, kicks. I tried to calmly talk to her and explain that you can’t do this. If I punish you physically, there will be no result. I don't know how to help her, where to start?!

One of the urgent problems that all parents undoubtedly have to face is children's aggressiveness. Unfortunately, today, aggressiveness in children is manifested more and more. And this, of course, cannot but puzzle both parents and psychologists and teachers. After all, this is a real problem that must be fought by joining forces.

But in order to overcome and defeat children's aggression, it is necessary to know the key points associated with this concept: what is aggression, what leads to its appearance, is it possible to fight it and what are the ways to do this.

All these important aspects will be discussed in this article.

Catastrophe of the 21st century

Today, every person, even who is not a specialist in the field of psychology and pedagogy, can easily notice how rapidly the number of aggressive children is growing. Naturally, many factors contribute to this:

• social conditions;
• Gaps in family education;
• Birth pathologies leading to brain damage;
• Parents and teachers indifferent to the problems of the child;
• Media, films and computer games that actively promote violence.

In fact, there are a lot of reasons. However, the problem is so serious and urgent that today it is necessary to pay special attention to it.

Indeed, at birth, a child has only 2 ways to respond to different stimuli: pleasure or displeasure. And when the baby is full, clean and has no pain, the child shows only positive emotions - it can be a smile, calm observation of others and even a peaceful sleep. In those cases when the baby has some kind of discomfort, then he has discontent: he starts crying, screaming, and the like.

In fact, in the course of growing up, the child retains those manifestations of his discontent that he already shows with the help of destructive actions, this can be both beating other people and harming things that are valuable to them.

Aggression and man

The very manifestation of aggression is characteristic of a person. Since aggression is a subconscious form of individual behavior aimed at defending and surviving in a world where there are many dangers. It's been that way for centuries.

However, a person understands that it is impossible to show aggression in a civilized world and with age begins to exercise control over his aggressive instincts and apply more acceptable ways of responding.

The problem is that this (controlling one's aggressive instincts) needs to be taught to a person from childhood. Otherwise, he may have various difficulties in establishing contact with other people. Consequently, in the manifestation of aggression in children, the key and most important factor is the reaction of adults, especially parents.

Many parents mistakenly believe that it is necessary to suppress aggression in a child. This is a big mistake, because, as mentioned above, aggression is a necessary and natural feeling for an individual. And when you suppress the manifestations of aggression in your child all the time, then he may have another type of aggression: auto-aggression, which is a more serious problem. Indeed, in this case, the child harms himself.

Or the suppression of aggressive behavior in a child can lead to the development of a psychosomatic disorder in him.

So, what should a parent do if their child uses aggressive behavior? The most important thing to understand here is that your main task as parents is to teach your child how to control the outbreak of his aggression. You must teach your child how to channel conflict into a peaceful direction. Show them and teach them how to protect themselves and their interests in ways that are acceptable in society. After all, it is important to convey to the child that it is possible and necessary to defend oneself, but at the same time not infringe on the interests of another and not harm him.

Why does a child develop aggression?

The reasons for the manifestation of aggression in a child can be varied. Of course, brain diseases or specific diseases can also cause aggression in a child. But still the key factor is the family and the upbringing of the child.

Studies have shown and proved that those children who were abruptly weaned from breastfeeding, or children who had limited communication and communication with their mother, become suspicious, cruel, aggressive, anxious and selfish people. In those cases when the mother was always there and gave the baby her love and care, such qualities may never manifest in a person.

Another important reason is the punishment that parents use in response to the aggressive behavior of the child. Here, two types of reactions from parents are possible: great severity towards the child or excessive indulgence. It is a proven fact that aggressive children can grow up in families where parents are too cruel and strict and in those families where parents are soft and compliant.
But, after conducting a series of studies, scientists have found that in cases where parents suppress the aggressive behavior of their children too sharply, their aggression not only does not disappear, but even increases. In these cases, the child will show aggression in adulthood.

However, this does not mean that if the child shows aggressive behavior, and the parents do nothing to reason with the child, then the child will "correct." Indeed, in this case, the child will think that such behavior is normal and gradually he will direct his aggression towards the people around him.

It sounds like a paradox, but still parents must find the very middle ground in order to properly influence the child and control the aggression of their child.

Yes, and it is important to keep in mind the fact that in most cases, the aggression shown in a child is a copy of such behavior of their parents. So, if your child sees flashes of aggression, incontinence in you, then do not even try to correct him. First of all, correct yourself.

What is he, an aggressive child?

In order to understand and help an aggressive child, it is necessary to be able to recognize him among others. After all, an aggressive child has distinctive features that both parents and specialists working with children should know about.

At present, there is probably not a single team (class, group in the kindergarten) in which there would not be an aggressive child. This is a child who will provoke all conflicts, he can attack other children to take their toys, he can call others names, fight with them and the like.

Of course, it is not easy with such a child, because he causes a lot of grief to both parents and educators and teachers. But still, it is important to understand and accept one fact: a child who constantly shows aggressive behavior needs help, understanding, affection and love from an adult more than others.

It is important that adults understand that this behavior is a cry for help. In this way, the child shows his inner discomfort. And, since he simply cannot adequately respond to all this, he resorts to aggression.

Often an aggressive child perceives himself as an outcast, it seems to him that no one needs him. And this comes from the cruel attitude or indifference of the parents to the child. When the relationship between parents and the child is violated, then he gets the feeling that no one loves him. The consequence of this is the child's attempts at all costs to attract the attention of adults around him in order to feel needed. Of course, for us, adults, it is clear that this path cannot bring the desired results to the child, but the child himself cannot understand this. And he does not know other ways to satisfy his need for love and attention.

An aggressive child is also characterized by suspicion, caution. They can easily try to pin their own blame on others. They cannot understand their aggression and do not understand that they are causing fear and anxiety to others. Instead, it seems to them that all the children are against them, that they want to offend and hurt them. And all this leads the aggressive child to a dead end: he is afraid and angry with other children, and the children themselves are afraid and hate him. And in this case, the role of an adult is very important, who will understand and intervene in time to help and improve a difficult situation.

Another characteristic feature of an aggressive child is his weak emotionality. Such children almost do not react to different situations, and in those cases when they show feelings, these are mostly gloomy emotions and feelings. Experts are sure that this is a kind of protective mechanism of the child.

Be that as it may, it is important to understand that the child does not see himself from the outside and cannot control his behavior. And this means that when adults see a manifestation of childish and even adolescent aggression, they must intervene. Adult intervention should be aimed at eliminating conflict situations and reducing aggression in a child or adolescent.

The disappointment of all parents

My child has become aggressive, what should I do? This is the question that every parent is sure to ask when they see how their child's behavior has changed. And in truth, often, when the baby begins to go to kindergarten or when he changes his usual atmosphere, he begins to show aggression. And this, in turn, is very upsetting for parents.

So, what to do if your beloved child began to show aggression?

The first and most important thing that every parent should do, despite the circumstances, is to show their love, attention and affection for him. Remember, if your child has done some bad deed, then you should show your dissatisfaction with the deed, and not with the child.

There are also a few things that you should never do when your child has shown aggression. It:

• In no case do not threaten the child that if you see such behavior even once, you will no longer love him or find yourself another child.
• Never insult him, call him names, or do anything that might offend him as a person.
• You can not brush aside the baby who comes to you with this or that request. Don't yell at him, don't insult him. Just show how much you appreciate him, how much you love him and explain that you simply cannot fulfill his request in this situation.
• And, of course, if you do not want your child to show aggression, then you yourself watch yourself, your emotions and your own manifestations of aggression. Do not forget that parents are an example for their children and they always copy the behavior and even reactions from them.

Seeing changes in your child's behavior, do not rush to suppress aggression. Since this can lead to more serious problems (this has already been discussed above). Instead, teach your child ways to express their displeasure, aggression, and defend themselves in socially accepted ways. Fortunately, today there are many such ways: drawing, modeling, various games, sports, and the word should not be underestimated. That is, for this, any methods are suitable that will not harm other people and at the same time help not to constrain their aggression. If a child’s aggressive actions gradually turn into words, then the child will understand that this is much better than immediately getting into a fight.

In addition, with age, the child learns to recognize and talk about his feelings. For example, when he is offended or upset about something, he will not behave aggressively or disgustingly in order to attract your attention to himself. Developing this skill: Declaring your feelings and concerns is an important step. And parents, in turn, should give the child the opportunity to speak, listen to him and show how to behave in certain circumstances. This will not only restore calmness and confidence to the child, but also further strengthen the bond between the child and parents.

When your child starts to get angry, naughty and screaming, it would be best if you hug him and hold him close to you. This is the best way to calm the baby. And when he calms down, talk to him about what happened, let the child talk about his feelings. It is important to understand that during this conversation you cannot reproach or read morality to the baby. Since in this case the child can withdraw into himself. Instead, let him know that you are always there and always ready to listen and hear him.

In your arms, the child feels calm and he begins to understand that you are able to withstand his aggression. And soon you will see that your child begins to restrain his aggressive impulses and control his own aggression.

In addition, try to show your child that aggressive behavior is an ineffective way to communicate and resolve conflicts. Explain to your child that he may benefit from this behavior in the beginning, for example, he can take a toy from another by force. But this will lead to the fact that no one will play with him and he will eventually be left alone. If taught correctly, the child will definitely not like this picture and he can change his behavior.

When you see that your baby hit another, you need to react to it in the following way: first you need to approach the child whom your child offended. If he fell, then pick him up and say that your child did not want to offend him. Hug, kiss the injured child and escort out of the room. Thus, your child understands that he can really be left alone, not only without a friend, but also without you and your attention. If you talked to him about it and explained everything in advance, then after a few such episodes, he will begin to change his behavior. After all, no one wants to be alone.

It is important for everyone to know

A child needs praise from adults, especially from parents. And this means that you need to praise your baby when you see that he is working and trying to behave correctly. Expressions such as "I am very proud that you shared toys with a friend instead of fighting him again", "I was very pleased to see how you behaved", or "The way you did today was very good” and the like can work wonders. Remember, when a child sees satisfaction, he perceives praise much better.

And when you talk to your child about his behavior, then do it separately, without any witnesses. Do not use emotional words during a conversation, such as "ashamed", "shame" and the like.

And of course, the duty of every parent is to eliminate such situations in which aggression in a child may manifest itself. For example, if you see that your child has become aggressive after attending kindergarten, then you need to figure out what the problem is and what led to such behavior. After all, it is likely that he is treated badly or offended there.

Today, in the fight against the aggressive behavior of the child, fairy tale therapy works perfectly. If you see a manifestation of aggression in your child, then you can compose a fairy tale with him, where the main character will be the baby. And, like all heroes, he must behave correctly in a fairy tale in order to earn the praise of others and win the title of hero. Of course, fairy tale therapy is best done when your child is in a calm state.

In addition, we must not forget that the child should be able to carry out emotional discharge, so sign him up for some kind of active sport, let him play active games and the like, there are many options.

It is also important that the child develops such feelings and qualities as sympathy, empathy, trust. And all this is instilled in them in childhood, with the help and participation of parents and educators, teachers. After all, no matter how important the role of parents is, the role of teachers in raising children should not be underestimated.

The child as a person

Many parents fail to see their children as individuals. That is why it can be difficult for them to understand that children can also have their own opinion, point of view, feelings that need to be accepted and considered. In other words, for many parents, taking their child seriously can be a difficult task.

Learn to let him feel free and independent. A child must understand from an early age that he is responsible for his behavior, for his actions and misconduct. In other words, the child should have a sense of responsibility.

But at the same time, the child must know that you are standing behind him with a mountain. He must be sure that if he needs something, you will rush to help: just by listening, giving the right advice or providing the necessary help.

As a person, the child should have his own corner in the house, where an adult should not invade without his consent. Not understanding the importance of this, many parents think that since this is their child, then he should not have secrets. So they begin to rummage through the things of their children, read letters, check mail, eavesdrop on conversations and the like. All this in turn causes manifestations of aggression in the child. Do not make such mistakes, because if you have a trusting relationship with your child, then he himself will tell you everything and come running to you as the closest person and authoritative adviser. And the child himself will respect you much more if you treat him as a person.

One last thing

Children's aggression is a real problem, which, if not eradicated in time, can cause many troubles in a child's life.

Therefore, if you have tried all the methods mentioned above and still did not achieve any results, then you need to contact a specialist. The psychologist will help find a solution to this problem and will be able to establish contact with the child, while establishing the child's attitude towards both parents and others.

It is important to remember that every child is a mirror image of their parents. So, if your child becomes aggressive, angry, always builds conflicts, then you should reconsider yourself and ask yourself the question: am I like that / like that? By honestly answering this painful question to yourself, you will no longer make hasty conclusions about your child. Sometimes, when parents change themselves, then the child himself begins to behave more calmly, with restraint.

If aggressive behavior is manifested in approximately the same way in all children, then the causes of aggressiveness can vary significantly. Conventionally, it is customary to divide the causes of aggressiveness into biological (those that are due to hereditary factors) and social (related to the style of upbringing and communication in the family, in kindergarten and school, etc.).

Biological prerequisites for aggressiveness

Is it possible to explain the aggressiveness of a child only by genetically programmed qualities? Abroad, there are various scientific theories in which the innate qualities of a person are called the main and only cause of aggression. In one theory, scientists argue that genes are to blame. A person allegedly behaves aggressively with those people with whom he is not related, and, on the contrary, promotes those with whom he has similar genes. Another well-known theory - the theory of drives - belongs to 3. Freud. In it, he writes about the innate preconditions for aggression. According to the theory of drives, a person has two opposite instincts: the “life instinct” (creative, associated with love and care, it is provided by libido) and the “death instinct” (destructive, destructive, expressed in anger and hatred, in passion for destruction). From what instinct prevails in a person, his behavior depends. Moreover, psychoanalysts believed that aggression is difficult to manage, it cannot be overcome, but can only be temporarily restrained and sublimated (translated into creative activity, for example). The well-known Austrian ethologist K. Lorenz (ethology is the science of animal and human behavior) believes that aggression is the basis of dominance and determines the hierarchy of relationships that is built in the struggle for power. It is a natural instinct that serves to preserve life and the species.

In domestic psychology, the theory of B. Teplov about the types of temperament is known. The type of temperament (choleric, sanguine, melancholic or phlegmatic) directly determines what character traits the child will have. And, despite the fact that there are no “pure” types of temperament, there is always a leading, basic type that determines the nature of emotional response and behavior.

Phlegmatic children least likely to be aggressive. They are emotionally balanced, calm, practically nothing and no one can piss them off. Such children are slow, they think everything over for a long time, and only then they begin to act, behave judiciously. The only thing that causes them a stressful state is the lack of time, as well as changes in their usual environment.

Phlegmatic people are very rigid (conservative, prefer the same ways of thinking and behaving). In extremely rare cases, phlegmatic can be driven to rage. If you regularly demand the impossible from him (“Get dressed faster!”, “Eat soon, we are late!”, “Well, why are you such a mess!”), Then even a peaceful phlegmatic person can “boil”.

melancholic children are also considered non-aggressive. They are very emotionally sensitive, any little thing can upset them or scare them. Such children do not tolerate any innovations, a sudden change of scenery, noisy games and competitions with other children. All this causes them an acute stress state. In stress, the melancholic becomes isolated, withdraws into himself and practically becomes incapable of any productive activity. Inclined to blame himself for everything, it is the melancholic who is prone to bouts of auto-aggression (aggression directed at himself). A typical monologue of a melancholic first grader: “I'm the only one to blame for everything, everyone wrote down their homework, but I forgot, let them give me a deuce! Or get kicked out of the class forever! Because I'm the worst!" It all ends in tears. Suicide attempts in adolescence are characteristic of melancholics.

Sanguine children cheerful, optimistic, easily make new acquaintances, sociable, are the initiators of various games. Sanguine people love a change of activity, they quickly get carried away and can just as quickly quit a boring activity. In a stressful situation, they behave actively, boldly defending their own or other people's interests. Emotionally sanguine people are balanced, and therefore they rarely openly show aggression, trying to solve everything peacefully through compromise. Only when it is not possible to calmly resolve a difficult situation, a sanguine person can show aggression.

Choleric children are the most active, emotionally unbalanced, and therefore, naturally, more prone to aggression than others. By nature, they are irritable, quick-tempered, impatient, subject to frequent mood swings, it is difficult for them to do one thing for a long time, they quickly get tired. Poorly endure the waiting situation.

Cholerics quickly navigate in a new environment, instantly make decisions. However, as a rule, they act first and think later. This gives rise to many conflict situations that choleric people try to resolve with the help of a scream or a fight. Aggressive behavior in choleric people is due to their high emotional instability.

The girl, who dreamed of professionally practicing ballet, received a serious knee injury before entering the Vaganova School. The verdict of the doctors was a shock for the girl: she can never again do what she loves.

Arriving home, in a rage, she tore all her ballet costumes, threw away her pointe shoes, scattered all her things around the room and flatly refused to go to school.

In the heat of passion, choleric teens can commit suicide or delinquency.

Social prerequisites for aggressiveness

Aggressive parental behavior. We rarely realize that we are trying to raise our children the way we ourselves were raised in childhood. Therefore, if the father (or mother) of a child was beaten in childhood, then, naturally, he will consider physical punishment necessary.

One man said with a laugh that at school the teacher beat them on the hands with a ruler. Didn't learn the lesson - by the hair and head on the board! He still believes that this is the right thing to do and supports the desire of some countries to return to physical punishment in schools. He often beats his son. The boy became angry not only at his father, but at the whole world.

Let's consider another situation, when parents have accumulated a lot of unresolved problems, life did not work out as they wanted, and they throw out all the irritation and negativism on the child. The child then gets it every day, any little thing infuriates such a parent.

One mother, after the birth of her second child, was forced to leave her beloved highly paid job and sit at home with two small children. The eldest child was very mobile, inquisitive, did not sit still for a minute. One day, going out for a walk in a new expensive suit, he slipped and fell into a puddle, hitting his knee painfully. The clothes were all dirty. Mom immediately cursed, yelled at her son, and when he started crying, she hit him hard in the face, breaking his lip. This woman has a higher education and a loving husband. I knew this boy from birth and saw that the older he gets, the more aggressiveness is manifested in his behavior, both towards people and towards animals.

Parents who humiliate their children by publicly insulting them form a child's low self-esteem, self-doubt and self-doubt. Remember: later on, the child will compensate for this with his aggressiveness.

Rough words, harsh tone, irritability and assault on his child embitter him. The child learns this model of parental behavior as the only possible and correct one.

Authoritarian parenting style. Some parents believe that the child is a helpless creature, and therefore it must be controlled and directed all the time. The child is driven into the framework of strict rules and norms, not allowing a single independent step. All this is done for the good of the child, as parents think. In reality, the child is deprived of the opportunity to be himself, to take the initiative. Some children react passively to such dictatorship; such children are usually shy, timid, insecure, choosing strong personalities as friends (later - a marriage partner). Another part of the children reacts actively, accumulating displeasure and anger, splashing it out in the form of outbreaks of aggression and protest behavior. It is these children who can subsequently commit offenses, run away from home in spite of their parents, who oppressed and suppressed them.

Family conflicts. In every family, even the happiest and most harmonious, conflict situations sometimes arise. In such cases, how they are resolved and what role the baby plays in this is very important. Unfortunately, the child is often the cause of family quarrels in one way or another (adults hold different views on education, or the baby serves as a tool for one of the parents to achieve their goals). In a family where conflicts between parents occur regularly, children do not feel safe and are constantly in suspense. They become nervous, fearful or aggressive, irritable. The most powerful shock for the psyche of the child is the divorce of the parents. The world familiar to him is collapsing, he loses a sense of security and trust in loved ones.

Serezha's parents divorced a little over a month ago. Previously, he was a calm, reasonable child who actively communicated with the children in kindergarten. After the divorce, caregivers began to constantly complain about sudden outbursts of aggression towards other children. The boy often shows irritability and stubbornness, refuses to participate in games.

Divorce. This is very stressful for a child. Parents should help the child adapt to the changes that have taken place, by demonstrating to the child that, despite the current situation in their family, he remains loved and significant in the life of each of them. It is sad that most parents are not able to cope with their emotional experiences. Being in nervous tension, they solve only their own problems and cannot pay attention to their son or daughter. Continuing to sort things out in the presence of the baby and blaming each other for the current situation, parents often try to attract the child to their side, and he, trying to draw attention to himself, often behaves defiantly and aggressively. It happens that parents splash out their irritation on the baby, pointing out those negative traits of character or appearance that the culprit of breaking up the relationship has: “You are as sloppy as your father!”, “You are as stupid as your mother!” etc. At the same time, children in most cases tend to blame themselves for what is happening. “My parents separated because I misbehaved,” the kid suggests. In this case, the child may experience outbreaks of auto-aggression. Parents should explain to the baby the main thing: despite the fact that dad and mom will live separately, they love him and will communicate with him in the same way as before. It should be borne in mind that the reactions of girls and boys to the divorce of their parents sometimes differ: girls are more likely to have internal experiences, fears, irritability and increased anxiety, boys become aggressive and conflict.

unwanted child. Unfortunately, if the parents (especially the mother) were internally against the birth of a child, then in the future the child will always have emotional problems. Feeling unwanted, the child will try with all his might to prove that he is good, that he can do a lot. Usually such children, feeling that attempts to win parental love are futile, become nervous, embittered and easily commit aggressive acts.

Lack of attention from parents. Modern, always busy parents who pay too little attention to an active restless baby also run the risk of facing the problem of child aggressiveness quite early. Not wanting to remain unnoticed and abandoned, the child attracts the attention he lacks by all available means.

Loaded with work and their problems, parents usually react to the child only when he "did something." The child argues like this: “It is better for them to scold me than not to pay attention at all,” and behaves aggressively, protesting against the indifference of their parents.

By the way, aggressiveness in children can also manifest itself in the opposite situation, that is, with an excess of attention. If parents inspire the child that he is the “center of the universe”, anticipate any of his desires, indulge and indulge beyond measure, then the child, deprived of this at one fine moment, gives out an outbreak of aggression. The hardest thing for such children is in the children's team. Not getting what they want, children can fall to the floor and start screaming heart-rendingly, waving their arms and legs. This situation is perfectly described by A. Kuprin in the story “White Poodle”: “A boy of eight or ten years old jumped out onto the terrace from the inner rooms like a bomb, uttering piercing cries.<...>without stopping his screeching for a second, he fell on his stomach on the stone floor with a running start, quickly rolled onto his back and, with great ferocity, began to jerk his arms and legs in all directions.<...>Despite his extreme excitement, he still strove to get his heels into the stomachs and legs of the people fussing around him ... ".

Restrictions and prohibitions. If at home or in kindergarten a child is constantly restricted in movement or in self-expression, then by the end of the day uncontrollable aggressive behavior will be quite natural. If a child is forbidden to run, jump and make noise at home, he will do it in kindergarten, and vice versa. That is why he will be an "angel" in one place, and "God's punishment" for adults in another. Energy must find a way out. It is unnatural and extremely harmful to the health of the child to block it. “Sit quietly, don’t interfere, read, draw, calm down, finally!” An active, mobile child simply does not hear all these shouts. If you haven't given your child the opportunity to release stress naturally, they will be nervous, irritable, and aggressive.

We have examined in such detail the causes of a child's aggressiveness related to the family only because in early and preschool childhood it is the family that determines what the child's character and behavior will be like. At the same time, it cannot be denied that children's aggressiveness also depends on other causes. The formation of aggressiveness is influenced by the behavior of peers and teachers in kindergarten (school), the media (in modern society, the impact of the media on the child's psyche is very high), computer addiction, background noise (it has been proven that people living near busy roads, airports, etc., the level of aggressiveness is much higher than that of residents of quiet areas), fatigue (especially chronic), lack of personal space (for example, when several generations live in a small apartment at once, and the child does not have the opportunity to retire), and many others. others

Computer games. I would like to pay special attention to the most urgent problem today - "The child and the computer." This topic does not leave the pages of newspapers and magazines, they talk about it on radio and television. No one doubts that the computer is not only a useful developmental thing, but also a system that, if used incorrectly, causes irreparable harm to health. Computer addiction has long been included in the ICD-10 (International Classification of Diseases) as one of the diseases.

The son of my acquaintances from the age of 7-8 began to sit at the computer for a long time, over time he began to understand it well. Once he read a lot, talked with friends, but gradually the computer replaced everyone and everything. Now that he is 13 years old, he is ready to spend at the computer 24 hours a day. Naturally, parents try to regulate this process. However, if parents forbid sitting at the computer for more than an hour, the teenager experiences outbursts of rage and anger, he can start destroying everything in the apartment and doing everything in defiance.

This is a problem faced by at least every second parent. But the germs of this problem begin to ripen already at preschool age. Parents often ask whether it is necessary to buy a computer for a five-six-year-old child, how much time a day can a preschool child spend on it, and what can a child do at a computer? These are not idle questions. Unfortunately, the answers to them can change little in a modern life full of various electronic technology. It is convenient for a parent who is tired after work (who will argue with that!), When their child watches cartoons on a computer for 1-3 hours or more. This gives parents freedom and peace after a busy day at work. It is curious that even parents of one and a half year old children use such a “happy” opportunity to take a child!

It is believed that it is too early to buy a computer for a preschooler: he has a high need for movement, in communicating with peers, do not deprive him of these values. A preschooler can spend at the computer no more than 30 minutes a day. And the younger the child, the less time he should sit in front of the screen.

I can’t understand why the authors seek to endow the negative character with fangs, sharp teeth, horns and other attributes of aggression? Why does the outside take precedence over the inside? For example, in the old Soviet cartoon "Gray Sheika" there is a negative character - the Fox. There are other accents in this image: the children are afraid of her not for her threatening appearance, but for cunning and deceit, intonations of her voice and bad intentions. "Masha and the Bear" is a witty, funny modern cartoon that is interesting to watch for both adults and children. By the way, it perfectly reflects the psychology of the child.

Don't neglect the classics. Watch with your child kind, beautiful, bright cartoons that teach goodness: "Heron and Crane" by Y. Norshtein, "The Snow Queen", "Cinderella", "Thumbelina", "38 Parrots", "Eared and his friends", " Crocodile Gena and Cheburashka”, “The Adventures of Brownie Kuzi”, “Shake! Hello!”, “The Bremen Town Musicians” and many others. others

Parents themselves are tired of aggressive, meaningless television for children. With the advent of the Internet, they have a wonderful opportunity to choose what their children will watch and listen to.

Do not chase fashion, do not be afraid to be behind the times, because the main thing that your child should see from computer and TV screens is kindness and beauty.

Foreign scientists have calculated that, on average, physical or verbal aggression occurs on television screens every 4 minutes. Russian scientists have also found that children who watch TV for more than 3 hours a day are more aggressive and more vulnerable to aggression from others than those who spend less than 2 hours watching TV. It is up to you to decide and choose how best for your child to spend their free time, but you should not forget about the connection between your child's aggressiveness and the content of media products.

Age crises

Outbursts of aggressiveness are closely related to age-related crises that a child goes through. If an adult has age-related crises every 8-10 years, then a child experiences them more often. The peak of aggressive behavior can be observed at 3-4 years and at 6-7 years. These are natural and passing moments. How do crises unfold and how to respond to them?

Crisis 3 years

I have a mother of three-year-old Lisa at the reception. She is at a loss, her husband is indignant: the child seems to have been replaced. “About her,” says my mother, “she immediately throws herself on the floor and screams, says “I don’t want” and “I won’t” to everything.

Mom doesn't know it's okay. Whims and outbreaks of aggression at 3 years old is an indicator that the child is growing, developing and making attempts to assert itself. And he should not be punished for this, he should be helped.

Especially often the aggression of a three-year-old child is manifested in connection with the dissatisfaction of immediate desires. The more difficulties encountered in their implementation, the stronger the emotional outburst of the child, especially if he wanted to do something on his own. At this moment, the baby especially needs the emotional support of an adult. The child needs to be allowed to express his negative emotions: this is an important part of his development and growing up. You should not try to immediately extinguish negative experiences, and even more so emotionally react to the affective outbursts of the baby, which happened out of place and out of time.

The crisis of 3 years has very conditional age limits. It can begin at 2-2.5 years and proceed rapidly and rapidly, or it can go unnoticed by parents even at 3 years. The form, duration and severity of the manifestation will depend on the individual characteristics of the baby, the style of upbringing, family composition, etc. It is well known that the tougher the parents behave, the more acute the crisis phenomena are. The beginning of attending a kindergarten also has an unfavorable effect on the passage of the crisis. It is believed that it is better to send a child to a preschool until the age of 2, or about 4 years.

The crisis of 3 years begins with the growth of the child’s independence (“I can already do a lot myself”), when he tries to assert his “I” and establish new relationships with an adult. As a rule, adults do not have time to quickly reorganize and continue to communicate with the child as with a helpless little creature, limiting his independent attempts to achieve any goal. It is at this time that all the crisis phenomena characteristic of this age manifest themselves. It must be remembered that the more trusting and calmer the relationship of the child with the mother, the milder this crisis will be. Screaming, irritability, authoritarian parents will exacerbate the aggressive behavior of the child. Do not forget to praise the child even for small, but independent attempts to achieve results in any business - this is the key to the child's high self-esteem in the future. The child must necessarily have a feeling and experience of success, then the crisis will pass unnoticed and the child's behavior will even out.

In the unfavorable course of the crisis, associated, for example, with the wrong behavior of parents, the child may have undesirable character traits and aggressiveness, which will lead to a complication of relations with the child.

Crisis 7 years

The crisis of 7 years is a difficult period in the life of a child, when all his stereotypes change, all his ideas about the world that were formed earlier. The child, who previously behaved naively and directly, begins to comprehend his actions, to think them over in advance, the usual impulsiveness is replaced by internal concentration and the desire for even greater independence. Playing activities in kindergarten are replaced by educational ones at school, there are more rigid frameworks and rules that regulate all the activities of the child. All these transformations cannot but affect the behavior of the child. Therefore, he can often show aggressiveness in response to misunderstanding on the part of adults, failure in any activity, etc.

What to do?

Try to support and praise the child more for real successes and achievements, emphasizing that he can do a lot on his own.

Eliminate the commanding tone, be friendly.

It is necessary to jointly discuss the causes and consequences of certain actions, mistakes and ways to correct them.

Show sincere interest in the inner experiences and doubts of the child, do not ridicule his fears.

Spend more time doing art, reading, etc.

Do not focus on negative manifestations - and the child will not be interested in demonstrating them.

The most important thing is to try to be more attentive to your child, show more love, warmth, affection, tell him more often that you love him and miss him when you are not together.

Based on the materials of the book by E. I. Shapiro

To understand the causes of aggressive behavior in a child, you first need to understand what aggression is. Psychologists say that aggression is not an attitude, not a motive, and not even an emotion. Aggression is not a healthy pattern of behavior that is laid down in early childhood. The reasons that provoke the development of an aggressive model of a child’s behavior have a very real basis, so it is extremely important not only to know about them, but also not to ignore the possible consequences.

We have selected the most common causes of aggression in children, according to experts:

Reason #1 - Rejection by parents

This reason is one of the basic ones, since according to statistics, most often aggressive behavior patterns appear in unwanted babies. If a child appeared with parents who were consciously or subconsciously not ready for this, he not only intuitively senses a catch, but also “reads” this information from intonation and gestures. Such a child tries to prove that he is good and has the right to exist. However, it does so, as a rule, rather aggressively.

Reason #2 - Hostility

It is very difficult for a child whose parents are hostile to him. Over time, this kid transfers the attitude of his parents to the world around him, which seems to him far from being friendly. If parents allow you to take out your negativity on a child or blame the kid for their own failures, the child not only loses self-confidence, he develops fears and phobias. Over time, the lack of a sense of security and stability leads to bursts of aggression that are directed at parents.

Reason #3 - Destruction of emotional bonds

If a child is forced to live with parents who treat each other with disrespect or hostility, his life turns into a nightmare. It is especially sad when a child is not just a witness to family quarrels, but also a participant in dramatic events.

As a result, the baby is either in constant tension, suffering from family disputes and an unstable situation in the house, or begins to harden in soul and become a subtle manipulator with a very aggressive behavior model.

Reason number 4 - Disrespect for the personality of the baby

Aggressive behavior can be caused by tactless and incorrect criticism, humiliating and offensive remarks, especially if they were made publicly. Disrespect for the personality of the baby, and even more so his humiliation, can cause serious complexes that destroy self-confidence.

Reason #5 - Over control

As a rule, excessive control over the behavior of the child is established by parents who are tough and domineering. However, in an effort to control every step, mom and dad should not forget that by doing so they suppress the personality and hinder the development of their child. In addition, overprotection causes not so much love as fear and a desire to run away. The end result of such a tough upbringing will be the aggressive behavior of the child, aimed at others (adults and children). A kind of veiled protest against the “oppression” of the individual, rejection of the situation of subordination, the existing state of affairs, the struggle against prohibitions. In an attempt to protect his Self, the child chooses an attack as a form of defense, even when he is not in danger.

Reason #6 - Too Much Attention

When a child is given a lot of attention in the family, he quickly gets used to it and becomes spoiled. Over time, the desire of parents to please the baby turns against them. If the next desire of such a child is not fulfilled, in response, the parents receive an outbreak of aggression in the form of a rolled up tantrum or “quiet” meanness.

Reason #7 - Lack of attention

Eternal employment of parents also generates aggressive behavior in babies. In this case, aggression is used as a way to attract parental attention, even in a negative form. The child feels lonely and defenseless, he is frightened by the indifference of his parents and, as a result, aggressive, inadequate actions.

Reason #8 - Feeling afraid

It should also be remembered that bursts of aggression can be caused by the baby's anxiety and are dictated by fear. Quite often, aggressive behavior is a child's cry for help, behind which there is a real tragedy and genuine grief. As a rule, a frightened person acts and thinks inappropriately to the situation. A frightened child also releases the situation out of control and ceases to understand who is his enemy and who is his friend.

Sergey Vasilenkov for the Women's magazine "Charm"