What to do if there is no love for your child. What to do if your son or daughter doesn’t love your mother? The ideal child - myth or reality

Hello. This will probably seem blasphemous to you, but I am writing to you asking for
help. My problem is this: I don’t love my children. they just irritate me
I have the strength to talk to them, explain them, read books. And it wasn’t always like this...I grew up
in the family, the second child, my father, in principle, never loved me, he called me names all the time and
humiliated me, which I didn’t do in relation to my older brother, my mother sometimes
She defended, but our father’s dislike for her was clear, she gave her love to her son. Even
Now, already at this age, all this continues. I found a husband like myself. he seems to be
tries to give me all the love, but I just need strokes, kisses, but he
very quickly breaks down, sends me.....I gave birth to a daughter at 24 years old, very active with her
I was studying, there was some kind of frantic instinct towards her, I didn’t even want to give her
to my parents....But I was very tired....then I became pregnant with my second child, he died
in the womb at 7 months - entwined with the umbilical cord..... I experienced severe stress, although probably
I was to blame for this myself, because during pregnancy I was always afraid of how we would be
live, because We have a 1 room apartment. After what happened, I overcame this fear and after 4
a month later I became pregnant again and gave birth to a son with a difference of 1 year and 1 hour with my second child.
It was some kind of rebirth of the second child.....I was happy, BUT my love for
the first child was extinguished....I, like my mother once upon a time, began to repeat the appeal to me
daughter....I yelled at her when she approached my son....In general, I’m even embarrassed to write...Son
he has grown up, he is now 3 years old, but he is uncontrollable, my daughter doesn’t listen, I can’t with them
cope with. I yell, I beat, I humiliate (just like my father did me), then from powerlessness
I’m sobbing....realizing what will come of this, that the children will grow up and hate me. And from mine
anger, it even seems to me sometimes that a demon has possessed me, because I even grind my teeth.
I went to a psychotherapist, in addition to antidepressants, it was like drugs, the state was intoxicating,
it got even worse later... I beg you, help me, what should I do.... It seems to me
I'm quietly going crazy......I understand that everything stems from childhood, I tried to forget everything, BUT NOT
My father’s love for me continues to this day, he is such a person. His love for his parents
was only to my mother, father, our grandfather, we even knew him, he did not recognize him. Don't know
What should I do, I feel sorry for my children, my husband... Help. Please....
Support the site:

Lilu, age: 29/10/24/2011

Responses:

You don’t have a dislike for children, you have a transference of your relationship with your parents onto the children, you are yourself
understand. Do you still think that love is a pie, the more you give to one, the less
goes to someone else. So I decided that because of the baby I stopped loving my daughter. And you're just plain tired.
After all, you simply didn’t have time to recover after pregnancy and childbirth, and even take care of
girl, she's only 5 years old? Well, what did you want, what powers can you have? And a lot more
advisors around, who “in their time raised five people at the same time, and in production
worked hard, etc." Therefore, initially you need to try to restore your physical shape,
put the body in order. Your irritation has a completely normal basis, but how are you
decent and scrupulous mother, you are punishing yourself for the fact that your mental strength at the end of.
Stop. You wonderful woman, You wonderful mother who LOVES her children, otherwise
I didn’t write here and didn’t look for reasons. Of course, you had a difficult childhood, and the stress after
loss of a child, but think about how God loves you if he gave you, as it were, a “rebirth” of your
baby. But in your letter I didn’t see even a hint that you were turning to Him! You go to
to a psychotherapist, you're taking medication, you're doing great, but why don't you go to the temple and ask
about His help? You have a family, children, husband, parents, you have everything to hold on to.
and rejoice. Turn to God as best you can, as best you can, as long as it is sincere. And you will see - first
It will become easier, and then little by little everything will get better.

Marina, age: 34 / 10/24/2011

Lilu, I think you need to first forgive your parents for the pain you suffered
experience. The fact is that unforgiveness is very often the cause of internal conflict. Forgive
It’s always difficult, but do it at least for your own sake. Just let go of all your grievances, and you will see
It will become easier! It works much better than antidepressants.
Unfortunately, it very often happens that we hate the behavior of our parents, in the future everything
Let's copy it anyway...
Look at your children. Do you want all this to be repeated ad infinitum in your family?! You
Do you want your children to be happy and proud of you and not hate you?! You should
think. Ask God for patience, because educating really good people of children
akin to art. May God help you in your difficulties. Love your children, then your husband will
love you.

kit, age: 30 / 10/24/2011

Hello Lilu!
The Bible says: Judge not, and you will not be judged, for with the judgment you judge, you will also be judged.
you will...You simply condemned your dad, and therefore came into action spiritual law and you became
do exactly the same. It is possible that your dad, at one time, also cried quietly from
powerlessness that cannot treat you differently. You need to go to church, repent,
talk to the priest, let him pray for you, and pray yourself and ask the Lord to
He gave you the strength to forgive your dad, and filled you with love for your husband and children. As written in
Bible: ask and it will be given to you...So you ask, and the Lord will definitely answer yours
prayers. And also, bless your children in your prayers, because a mother’s prayers are the most powerful.
Good luck to you and may God bless you!

Aleana, age: 41 / 10/24/2011

You have to fight your temper, of course. And you know, if you reproach yourself that you
bad mother, then this is not so. You are just a living person and you do not have nerves of steel. Should you talk to
someone needs to discuss their problems. Ideally with your husband, but if that doesn’t work out, then you can with a loved one
a friend, for example. Another great opportunity is to talk to the priest. And I don't think you
I need antidepressants, just a sedative to make it easier to relax. Better see a doctor
go pick it up. Best wishes to you.

F, age: 24/24.10.2011

Baby, I think the point is that your nervous system now exhausted, she needs
reinforcements, she needs time. Pregnancy is serious work for female body, and death
child - the most severe grief, regardless of whether the baby was born or not. Lilya, I express to you
deepest condolences. After all, regardless of whether the mother will have more children or not, the wound from
losing a child hurts... In order to still understand what happened, how to let go of a baby who has flown away from
you to eternity, read the materials of this site: http://www.memoriam.ru/ Maybe it’s worth
and speak out there on the forum, ask those who are grieving to help you survive your grief. You didn't have time
survive the grief... And then a load fell on your nervous system (hormonal changes in everything
organism). This is where the body stalled and asked for help.
You did the right thing by going to the doctor. But since medications don't suit you,
ask your doctor to change your treatment tactics. see another doctor. You must now
I need to somehow improve my health. Children do not need intellectual activities as much as they need calm
smiling mother. Leave your studies for now. Try to sleep during the day for at least an hour. Necessarily
walk with your children. And your body will slowly come to its senses.
And be sure to ask Mother of God give your soul rest, peace and love. She is the Mother Herself, She
will help. And, of course, go to Her Son yourself. Ask your husband to help you once a week
bring the little ones to the temple and give them communion. Confess yourself and receive communion more often. Nursing
Mom doesn't need to fast. And the Lord will arrange everything in your life for His glory.

Elena, age: 54 / 10/24/2011

Lilu sincerely support you in your experiences, I sympathize with the fact that everything in your life
this is happening, and I believe that the situation can change.
And she can change - only through your efforts. You yourself understand that there is no other way
- how to change yourself - to solve the situation no. There is another one - to send children to Orphanage. But
We immediately reject this path. It is so?
Drugs and antidepressants won't help either. They can extinguish some emotions, but they will not give
love. No way.
What then?
If you have faith in God, then of course first of all - prayer, the participation of children and you in
Sacraments of the church. This is what effective remedy- which has been tested by many for thousands of years
people. When children and mother live with God, everything is peaceful in their family and everyone loves each other
friend.
The second remedy - which must be taken along with the first, or instead of it, if there is no
faith in God is constant control of one’s thoughts, so as not to lash out at children, even
before sealing your mouth. It is possible that love for children will return to the heart, if it existed - in this
option. She must be fueled by an ardent desire - to love her husband and children, and do everything for
their benefits (even if such a desire is just theoretical for now).
Try to find in your life and in your feelings - all the brightest, kindest - and
focus on this. Share the responsibilities of raising children with your husband - and not for long
"take a break" from them.
Write in your diary - victories over your anger and enjoy them. Set new guidelines
for every day - to change yourself - and achieve this. Read spiritual literature, teachings
Holy Fathers, who greatly help the soul to rest. Or at least fairy tales.
So, try every day to conquer yourself and learn to love others.

Sveta, age: 29 / 10/24/2011

Lilu, your children actually feel bad because you scold and shout at them. Now they don't
can express it, but when they grow up and understand that it could be different, they will feel HOW it is
when everything is different in the family (for example, they will see other children when they are visiting) very
they will probably resent you for it. On the other hand, it’s very good that you
You understand that you behave badly with children. Many parents who hit and yell at their children
They don’t even consider themselves guilty, they don’t see anything and think that this is the norm. Whereas all these
calling names and beatings can sink very deeply into the soul (depending on what kind of child, what kind of
psyche).

You say they are uncontrollable. In what sense? You see, you can be uncontrollable
differently. It’s one thing when a child sets something on fire (even though he’s too young for that),
swears (not uncommon among small children, unfortunately), hits other children (not
fights, namely hits: the first one starts), hits you... Here we need to take some serious
educational measures.

It's another matter if he's just too capricious. Crying: I want this toy. He says: I won’t go
there, I won’t do this, I don’t want to eat porridge, I’ll tie my shoes myself or fasten them
jacket, mischief: decorates wallpaper, cuts curtains, scratches furniture, drags homeless people
kittens, gets dirty... This is a completely different case. This is just the norm for such young children.
If a child is not mischievous, this is a cause for concern. If the child has a normal psyche, then
he will climb everywhere, get dirty, scratch something, disobey, show his ego.
child. Psychologists say that by the age of 5 years the basic character of a child is formed.
throughout his life, he begins to understand himself as a person. The main thing for a child at this age is not
break.

But even if a child does something truly terrible, then at that age his behavior
This is in any way a reflection of the behavior of the parents. Children copy and adopt everything, and
Name-calling words are absorbed like a sponge. Plus your children might have been born too much
emotional, nervous, restless. Of course, mother’s illnesses are often passed on to children. From
This makes them suffer even more.

My opinion is this. In your case, no one is to blame. The children are not to blame. It's not your fault either
the situation. Anyone in your place would have found it very difficult. And I think they could stand it
units so as not to break loose. I can only wish: God grant you patience. Go to confession and
for communion. It should get easier. Bring the kids.

And your excess aggression may indicate that you have neurosis or something similar, and not
depression. With neurosis, the symptoms are also as you described. But take antidepressants when
they are not really needed very harmful. I read a lot on the Internet, how people wrote that
Antidepressants didn't help them or that they only made them worse.

And you are simply tired, very exhausted. But the children are growing up and in two years you will
it will become much easier. And after another two, the children themselves will begin to help you. Think how much
It will become easier when they can take care of themselves: wash, brush their teeth, get dressed.

At the age of 13, your daughter may be able to cook you lunch, at least soup)

Now, of course, they are looking for your attention, they want you to read books to them. You are very
tired and you don’t have time for this. I don't know what to do in this situation. I just feel sorry for everyone.
It's nobody's fault.

Well, about “a demon has taken over” this is nonsense. If that were the case, you wouldn't be talking to us right now.
It’s just your nerves. When the nervous system is exhausted, stress, the body is weakened, the head
foggy bad thoughts get into your head. Go to communion. Drink lighted water. She
It really helps improve your health. Cross yourself often.

Well, I think it’s okay to swear at children if they do something that threatens their life.
For example, they will go into someone else’s yard and will not warn you; they will go to someone without asking if they get into
socket, will spin around the stove, or (there was a case) the older one wants to bathe the younger one - this
terribly dangerous, a child could, God forbid, choke.

Lilu, honey, it feels like you are very good man. Patience to you. Ask God for
help. Well, love for children will come. Sometimes God sends illnesses so that we can understand that
we love someone.

My mother, when mine was born younger sister I cried for an hour because I thought I would never
will not be able to love this girl (my sister) as much as me. And my mother loved me very much, I
the first child in the family. And she felt so sorry for my sister that she lay in the room and sobbed an hour
cried. Well, nothing) time has passed. And she really, really loved her. Just like me. So
It even seemed to me that my mother loved her more than me)) All my childhood it seemed like that. She's the youngest
she gets all the attention.)

Good luck to you!

Rainbow, age: 24 / 25.10.2011

Something in Lately I almost always agree with Elena. Indeed, just your body
Now under heavy pressure of responsibility. You are just very tired. You will understand yourself
try to talk to your husband, explain what is bothering you, and what you expect from him. What's in it
is it bad that you need his understanding and affection? Try to build your relationship with your husband on
trust, otherwise it will only get worse. He should know about your problems. Now I'm trying
take the grandson away from his parents more often, so that they can “take a break” from him, get bored, so that they can feel
It's interesting to work with him. Your son is just so old that he seems out of control.
They are all uncontrollable at this age. I look at mine and see that he doesn’t understand that it’s possible
, and what is not allowed, they just need to be taught. It would be nice, of course, if your parents could give you
a break. Do not despair! God bless you! Sorry.

Oleg, age: 49 / 10/25/2011

Watch the movie “The Help”, it’s online on the Internet, I recognized myself when I watched it, although there didn’t seem to be any such problems, but then it will be very difficult for you when the children get older. Don’t worry, the fact that you are aware of the problem is half the solution. Good luck.

Olga, age: 51 / 06/05/2012

IN modern society It seems strange to be indifferent to other people's children. Although breeding communities do not show much sympathy for other people's children and many animals are aggressive against other people's offspring, people still continue to reproach others for the lack of expected affection.

When the Adult Prevails

According to the theory of Canadian scientist Eric Berne, our “I” can be in three different states: Child, Parent and Adult. We either copy the behavior of our parents and act out the scenario of their life, or we behave as we did in childhood, or we act consciously as a mature adult.

It is quite possible that behind the hostility towards children lies an Adult who, in every possible way, restrains such manifestations of the Child as spontaneity and emotionality. The reasons may be different: lack of example caring parent in childhood, discouraging the expression of these traits in childhood, etc.

Thus, when communicating with a child, a person faces an alternative choice: either to immerse himself in the state of a Child, entering into a child’s game, or to remain in the state of an Adult, putting on a serious appearance. It is uncomfortable for such a person to be in the Parent state. On a subconscious level, the individual refuses to give what he did not receive in his childhood, and even envies an overly spoiled child. And if through his children he can try to get rid of old traumas, giving the child something that he himself did not have, then other people’s children are only an unpleasant reminder of “sick” episodes.

How to solve a problem?

Be more tolerant of yourself first. Think about what childhood activities would make you happy and do them. Even though it may seem silly, this approach will help you resolve your inner conflict.

When a person is afraid of being exposed

As a rule, children are open in showing their emotions, while most adults hide true feelings and diligently control their behavior. Moreover, sometimes true desires can be hidden even from ourselves. Children are very perceptive and can easily embarrass us by exposing us. And if we can still silence our own child, we cannot influence someone else’s. Hence the discomfort: when a person wants to hide something, he feels on a subconscious level that the child sees right through him and will not remain silent.

How to solve a problem?

Give yourself a break. You don't have to feel "right", emotions are your own business. And if in your actions you are obliged to obey the rules of the society in which you live, then in your feelings you do not. Give yourself freedom, and there will be nothing to expose you for.

When a person realizes his imperfection

Often, when we are around other people's children, we realize our failure as a parent. We become defensive out of fear that another child's parent, who is gentler or stricter than us, will judge us. That's why we see someone else's baby as ill-mannered, too noisy and disobedient.

When reasoning, we rely on this logic: if someone else’s child behaves badly, it means that his parent is raising him poorly, and we are raising our child differently and, therefore, we are doing well. And in this case, dislike for other people’s children serves as an indicator of low self-esteem and the desire to find confirmation of the correctness of one’s actions.

How to solve a problem?

Stop worrying about judging your parenting method. Ideal parents no, your task is to give your child everything possible, and most importantly, love and care. Figure out why you are so afraid of criticism as a parent addressed to you and get rid of this fear.

Nutrition for a child is its source vitality for development and growth. Very often, children's appetite worsens and they refuse to eat. In this case, parents need to find out the cause of their child’s poor appetite as quickly as possible.

Instructions

A baby's loss of appetite may occur due to stress, such as a shift. familiar surroundings or quarrels between parents. Therefore, feed your baby in a calm environment, be patient and do not rush the child if he eats slowly. There will be an opportunity for a family meal ideal solution, because the presence of companions always improves appetite - and even children who are indifferent to food become good eaters.

Poor appetite in a child may be caused due to sudden changes in the menu. Introduce new foods into your diet gradually, starting with small amounts. Give time for your baby to feel that change is permanent. It is very important that the child eats well, and that the food is as varied as possible. But what's even more important is that he feels loved.

Video on the topic

Men are considered by the majority to be polygamous, and having a mistress in addition to a wife has become the norm for many. But, despite the youth and attractiveness of the hunter-seductresses, the majority of “faithful” husbands, having had a good time, return to their spouses.

Many men are cowardly by nature, and they are often unable to change anything radically. Having a small affair on the side - yes, because it increases self-esteem, excites the blood, and generally makes the “hero of the novel” feel that he is still quite Attractive man. But as soon as the problem of choice arises, he is terribly frightened by changes: after all, he will have to build everything anew, meet new relatives, and in general, live differently.

Another reason, in addition to cowardice, which is a point in favor of choosing a wife, is her reliability. The wife is a person who has been tested over the years; she is not able to present any surprises; her character, habits, reactions and actions have been studied to the smallest detail. A mistress, in this sense, is like a “pig in a poke”; it is still unknown what her character really is and what her hobbies are. After all, during the “candy-bouquet” period of courtship, everyone wants to show their best side.

A weighty argument is that a man and his wife are often connected by serious trials that they went through together. It was together, holding hands, overcoming them together. This brings people closer together and promotes strong attachment, which is much more valuable than love that flared up with lightning speed and just as quickly died out on the side.

The fact that his wife is the mother of his children is also taken into account when making a choice. Common children, raised by joint care and love, connect two people much more powerfully than anything else. Therefore, a mistress can very often hear from a man: “Sorry, but I have children...”

The man’s feelings towards his wife also play an important role. Some spouses are able to maintain love throughout life together and just at other women. Unfortunately, there are few such men, but they do exist, and to the question: “Why does a wife better than a mistress? They answer quite simply: “Yes, because I love only my wife.”

Video on the topic

I don't understand at all what's happening to me. I should be happy because my daughter is finally with me, but I don’t even have the strength to smile. It seems to me that life has turned into a routine: ironing, cleaning, walking, feeding, bathing... that's all I see. I understand that I shouldn’t think like that, but I can’t help it. I’m angry with my husband, I’m annoyed by the child’s crying, and I cry all the time myself.

Ekaterina, 22 years old

Many mothers during the postpartum period experience a condition postpartum depression. This is a very common mood, especially if the child is the firstborn. A woman may give up, she may become indifferent even to to your own child, there is a feeling of depression and oppression. This condition is accompanied by constant fatigue from sleepless nights and the cycle of household chores. And although this is a completely natural and sometimes necessary stage of adaptation to motherhood, it is most difficult for women who have not had time to psychologically prepare for a new role during pregnancy. Mood instability, irritability, confusion can last from several weeks to months, so it is better not to wait until it is temporary the condition will pass of course, but take action and help yourself cope with the oncoming depression.

Postpartum depression: what to do?

First of all, to avoid similar situation, try from the very first days after the birth of the baby to be close to him and take care of the baby yourself, otherwise after returning from the maternity hospital you will be like snowball can roll and everyday problems, and misunderstanding your child, and complete absence skill to care for it. Of course, this does not mean that you need to be left alone with the baby and all the troubles. On the contrary, accepting and realizing your duties and responsibilities, attract helpers. There is nothing wrong if dad or grandma walk with the child for a couple of hours while you read a book, lie in the bath or get a manicure. Don't forget that many things can wait, while others can be simplified. It is absolutely not necessary to iron all children's things on both sides; it is always useful to have a supply of frozen vegetables and pre-cooked and frozen cutlets in the refrigerator in case you do not have enough time to make dinner. Allow yourself to be "not perfect mom", and motherhood will begin to bring joy.

Don’t keep your emotions to yourself: if you understand that tears are choking you, allow yourself to cry for a few minutes, kick the pillow, tear plain paper into many small parts. This way you will give vent to negative emotions and will not “break” at your husband or child. Get enough sleep with your child (while the baby is small and often sleeps) to feel rested, go for a walk even if it’s hard sunny days(vitamin D and Fresh air will improve your mood), do not neglect your hobby, especially if it is related to creativity. Perhaps this way you won’t be able to clean the apartment and wash the dishes, but you will transform irritation and apathy into the desire to live and enjoy the present moment. And most importantly, remember that the cure for any sadness is your baby. Look at him differently, because a child is not only an object ongoing care and worries, he also little man with his own character, emotions, constant desire for communication and development. It grows and changes every day, and watching this amazing process can bring joy and pleasure.

“I don’t love my child!”

After the birth, I was offered to take the baby in my arms. Looking at my son, I tried to feel a surge of happiness and unconditional love, about which I read so much, but felt nothing. And when the baby began to demand constant attention, often cried and slept poorly, I was completely horrified to discover the appearance of negative emotions to the child: “I’m a bad mother! I can't love my own son! I don’t understand what to do, I feel hostility towards him, and there is no tenderness, no matter how hard I try to force myself..."

Polina, 25 years old

The feeling of hostility towards your own child is a very alarming phenomenon, but in fact, from a psychological point of view, it is not so rare. Many mothers do not want to acknowledge these socially disapproved feelings, others try to hide them, and only a few find the courage and strength to admit them openly. And this is already good sign, this means that the woman is ready to cope with the problem, she has a desire to establish harmony in her inner world and love your baby. There are many reasons for the occurrence of such negative emotions. Perhaps the baby was born of the wrong gender as expected, and the mother feels guilty, and the child is perceived as unnecessary, or perhaps the woman has serious problems in the family or with the child’s father, or pregnancy and childbirth caused the destruction of pre-constructed life plans. Be that as it may, many mothers, without even realizing it, blame the child for causing such changes. However, you should not reproach yourself for these thoughts; self-flagellation will only make the problem worse.

“I don’t love my child!”: what to do?

The expert in the article on the Lady.ru Internet portal was Mikhail Strakhov, a psychologist and psychoanalyst at the European Medical Center.

"Bad and good mother equally bad. A good enough one is necessary,” Donald Woods Winnicott, English psychoanalyst, pediatrician and child psychiatrist.

It is generally accepted that such a problem simply cannot exist, however this question exists and causes a lot of controversy. Sometimes you can meet a woman who directly states that she does not love her child. And this is not a “degraded person,” but a woman who has everything - a home, a family, a job. The reaction of others to such a statement is absolutely ambiguous. Some people think that she is worthy of reproach, others think that this is quite appropriate. But the questions always remain: “Is this normal? What should we do in this case? What about maternal instinct?

In such a situation, it cannot be said that only the child suffers, because the mother, by recognizing the problem, thereby shows that she is not satisfied with this situation. Of course, this becomes something that leaves its mark on the relationship between the mother and her child, and in the entire family, and which undoubtedly has its consequences.

Mom, who is she?

If you ask the question: “Who is a mother?”, it turns out that there is no universal definition for this concept. All mothers understand that their first priority is to care for their child. However, at the same time, everyone, consciously or not, always asks the question: what is it “really” to be a mother? After all, you can just take care of the baby and not be a mother. In this case, the concept of “mother” cannot be reduced only to the biological fact of a woman giving birth to a child. There are many examples when a baby becomes family to the woman who adopted him, and there are those for whom their own child is a stranger. Also, in the life of any woman there is always someone else besides the child - husband, family, friends. And it is in relation to someone else that the woman asks the question: “What am I as a mother?” We can say that what makes a woman a mother: firstly, her own child; and secondly, someone else, in whose eyes she becomes a mother. That is why the very question of a negative attitude towards a child refers her to what it is to be a mother. That is why the simplest justification for love and hatred is the myth of “maternal instinct.”

No two mothers are alike

Man always strives to simplify everything and define all aspects of life. That is why such a concept as “maternal instinct” was born. However, it is worth understanding that the word “instinct” is not applicable to a person by definition. What is instinct? It is an innate ability, the ability to do something. In nature everything is very simple. The female of any animal instinctively knows how to bear, give birth and raise her offspring - this is an innate quality in animals. In humans, this concept is very conditional, since people have to learn absolutely everything. Any woman (even having several children) learns to be a mother, because no one knows exactly what needs to be done and how to do it correctly, which is why there is so much controversy even about care and education, what to say about love. There are no two absolutely identical mothers on Earth who equally care for the child, raise him and love him.

The norm is somewhere in the middle

Many quite agree that we are all different, but they argue that such a situation when a mother has a negative attitude towards her child is not normal. But how to determine the norm and who is a “normal mother”? At one time, psychoanalysis made a discovery: it is bad when a child is not loved, that is, there is no one next to him who could listen to him, answer his questions, pay attention to him, and so on. But! It is no less dramatic, and sometimes even more dangerous, when a child is loved and cared for too much. Therefore, a “normal mother” is at the intersection of these two extremes. The English psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, who devoted one of his works to the definition of a “good” mother, identified such a concept as a “good enough mother”. It was thanks to him that it became clear that it is equally bad if the mother is both “bad” and “good”.

Beyond the line

Everyone has their own perception of the norm, which is why this issue causes such resonance. Of course, there are very few of those who propose simply lynching “such” mothers, but the majority still think negative attitude mother to her own child with pathology. However, it is very difficult to identify the lower threshold of the norm; it is different for everyone. There are cases that clearly demonstrate an abnormal reaction, but for the most part the mother tries to cope with the growing negativity and does not abandon her child.

Why did this happen?

Negative emotions are most often generated by depression, and in our case this is not only the so-called “postpartum depression”. In the absence of psychological illnesses in a person, depression is generated by a feeling of loss of something, both physically and psychologically. After giving birth to a child, a woman faces three main losses. Firstly, she loses unity with the child. During pregnancy, a woman perceives the fetus inside herself as her object, a part of herself, and during childbirth the child is “separated” from the mother. Secondly, the woman loses her “imaginary child.” While carrying a child, the mother does not have the opportunity to see and hear her baby, so she invents his image, character, and voice. However, the child is not always what a woman imagines him to be. Third, she loses herself. Having given birth to a child, a woman becomes different. She can no longer devote all her time to herself, her husband, or work; her world is closed around the baby. She also loses her old body, the way it was before giving birth. The woman sees the child as the cause of her losses, and therefore directs negative perceptions towards him.

What to do?

A woman takes the first step by recognizing the problem. She understands that something is wrong, these emotions prevent her from communicating with her child, or due to this situation she feels like a bad mother in the eyes of others. In this case, a woman should seek help from a specialist. On her own, she will not always be able to find the reasons for negative emotions towards the child, and, accordingly, without professional help can't cope with the problem. The main thing is not to force or try to force a woman to see a doctor, this method can harm her even more. She must make the decision to seek help herself.

There are places in life different shapes dislike. For one it is irritation, for another it is physical violence. Therefore, it is important that the woman herself understands the problem. You shouldn’t strive to be an “ideal” mother, because sometimes a refined attitude hides deeply hidden negativity that a person does not want to admit. A "normal" mother is always ambivalent, she a common person, which is characterized by anger, fear, and other feelings. Don't be afraid of your negative emotions. If a mother is irritated towards her child, it means that she wants something other than her child, that is, the child is not an absolute for her, and this, in its way, even protects the baby from becoming an “object” of the mother. The problem is always hidden in the unconscious. When a person talks about his complicated feelings- this is always better than when feelings are hidden deep inside.