When the 3 year old son said. "I do not want! I won't! No need! I'm on my own!" - Crisis of the age of three: signs of a crisis and how to overcome it

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Many parents are familiar with this picture: the child literally says everything and does the opposite. Moreover, it seems that he is acting out of spite on purpose. This can be encountered in the behavior of a preschooler, and even more so a teenager.

The kid is offered to go for a walk, but he cries, shouts that he wants to play at home. Can at the moment of irritation throw toys, objects at a person, anywhere. It can be capricious, rude, destroy something, or it can withdraw into itself. And often the reasons for this resistance are incomprehensible to others. This behavior is called negativism.

Why is the child protesting?

Negativism is a child's resistance to influences, deprived of reasonable grounds (Pedagogical Encyclopedic Dictionary).

So the child protests against the circumstances of life, against the attitude of different people towards him: relatives, peers, other adults. Objectively, these circumstances or relationships may not be unfavorable. The main thing is how the child or teenager perceives them.

Often the reasons for this behavior are not obvious to others, because the child himself carefully disguises them. For example, anxiety and fear: “I can’t do it, it’s better to refuse altogether” or “I will look ridiculous.” Sometimes children protest against some life circumstances. This may be the birth of a younger brother or sister, a divorce of parents, a forced relocation, a change of school, etc.

In fact, negativism is a reaction to some unmet need. For example, in understanding, approval, respect, independence. This is one of the ways to overcome a difficult situation, although not the most constructive.

They say about passive negativism when a child simply ignores our requests and demands. The active negativist tries to do the opposite of what is asked of him.

Parents often say that the child is stubborn. We can say that stubbornness is a weak form of negativism. And they are similar in behavior. But the reasons for such behavior are still different. The stubborn seeks self-affirmation. A negativist protests against an unfavorable situation for himself.

They also talk about such a trait as perseverance - this is the desire to achieve one's goal in spite of obstacles.

A child can show negativism in relations with one of his relatives or with the whole family, only in the family or almost everywhere he appears.

Can anything be done about it?

The most universal remedy is to take into account children's needs, desires, opportunities, and abilities.

Do not pass off your desires as the desires of a child or teenager. Try to understand his condition, mood.

More often, children's negativism is a transient phenomenon. But it can become fixed and become a stable personality trait - if adults behave too harshly and the child constantly experiences emotional stress.

How to help a negative person?

In almost all children, parents note protest reactions at certain periods. There are so-called crisis periods of childhood - one year, three years, six-seven years and 13-16 years. A child (or teenager) at these moments tries to move to a new stage of his development, to take another step towards independence, to establish himself in his own eyes and in the eyes of those around him.

It is important to understand here: the child refuses to fulfill the request not because he does not want it. It is much more important for him to show independence, not to obey the will of an adult. By adopting flexible tactics, you will help your child not only avoid unnecessary conflict today, but also become more self-reliant and independent in his future adult life.

When raising a negativist, try to keep the following points in mind

• Rules should be clear to children.
• The child should have not only duties, but also rights.
• Communicate requests and reminders calmly but firmly. Irritation of an adult will only increase the negative reaction of the child to the ban.
• For any problems in the child's behavior, keeping a diary helps. Firstly, observation helps an adult, as it were, step back, look at the situation more objectively, and reduce emotional intensity. Secondly, to understand what exactly causes a protest in a child. It rarely happens that negativism lasts from morning until late at night.
• The child needs to have a choice. Give him this opportunity. For example: “Are you going to shower or take a bath today?”
• Don't punish your child just for saying the word "no". A child who does not have the right to object will not be able to defend his point of view in the future.
• It is worth paying attention to whether the word “no” sounds too often in communication with a child. Try to reduce the number of bans - perhaps some of them are unnecessary. Let the word “can” sound more often, denoting desirable forms of behavior. For example: “You can’t draw on wallpaper, but you can on paper.”
• Call on a sense of humor and play to help. In dealing with a stubborn baby, the opposite method can be effective: “Just don’t even think about going to bed at 8 o’clock today.” Or the game of boy-girl-“vice versa”: “Today you do everything the other way around when I ask you for something. Tomorrow I will be the other way around.” Some tricks will not work - come up with something else. The main thing is to experience as many positive emotions as possible from mutual communication.
• Encourage activity, search for something new, independence. You do not want your son or daughter to grow up passive, dependent on other people, unable to make a decision?

Be patient and don't expect immediate results. Just remember that this is a very important period in a child's life.

Just yesterday, your baby was so soft and obedient, but today he throws tantrums, is rude for any reason, and categorically refuses to fulfill his mother's requests. What happened to him? Most likely, the child entered the so-called crisis of three years. Agree, it sounds awesome. But how should adults react to such children's behavior and what should parents who are tired of whims do?

What you need to know about the crisis of three years?

In the psychological literature, the crisis of the age of three is called a special, relatively short life period of the child, which is characterized by significant changes in his mental development. The crisis does not necessarily occur on the third birthday, the average age of occurrence is from 2.5 to 3.5 years.

"I do not want! I won't! No need! I'm on my own!"

• The period of stubbornness begins at about 1.5 years.
• As a rule, this phase ends by 3.5-4 years.
• The peak of stubbornness falls on 2.5-3 years.
• Boys are more stubborn than girls.
• Girls are naughty, more often than boys.
• During the crisis period, attacks of stubbornness and capriciousness occur in children 5 times a day. Some have up to 19 times.

The crisis is the restructuring of the child, his growing up.

The duration and severity of manifestations of emotional reactions largely depend on the temperament of the child, the family style of upbringing, and the relationship between mother and baby. Psychologists are sure that the more authoritarian relatives behave, the brighter and sharper the crisis manifests itself. By the way, it can intensify with the start of the visit.

If recently parents did not understand how to teach children to be independent, now there is too much of it. Phrases "I myself", "I want/I don't want" heard regularly.

The child is aware of himself as a separate person, with his own desires and needs. This is the most important new formation of this age crisis. Thus, for such a difficult period, not only conflicts with mother and father are characteristic, but also the emergence of a new quality - self-awareness.

And yet, despite the seeming adulthood, the baby does not understand how to get recognition and approval from their parents. Adults continue to treat the child as small and unintelligent, but for him he is already independent and big. And such injustice makes him rebel.

7 main signs of a crisis

In addition to the desire for independence, the crisis of three years has other characteristic symptoms that make it impossible to confuse it with bad behavior and childishness.

1. Negativism

Negativism forces the baby to oppose not only his mother's, but also his own desire. For example, parents offer to go to the zoo, but the baby categorically refuses, although he really wants to see the animals. The fact is that the proposals come from adults.

A distinction must be made between disobedience and negative reactions. Naughty children act in accordance with their desires, which often go against the wishes of their parents. By the way, negativism is often selective: the child does not fulfill the requests of an individual, most often the mother, and behaves with the rest as before.

Advice:

You should not speak with children in an orderly tone. If the child is negative towards you, give him the opportunity to calm down and move away from excessive emotions. Sometimes asking the other way around helps: "Don't get dressed, we're not going anywhere today".

2. Stubbornness

Stubbornness is often confused with perseverance. However, perseverance is a useful strong-willed quality that allows the little man to achieve the goal, despite the difficulties. For example, to complete the construction of a house of cubes, even if it is falling apart.

Stubbornness is distinguished by the desire of the baby to stand his ground to the end only because he already once demanded it. Let's say you called your son to dinner, but he refuses. You start to convince, and he replies: “I already said that I won’t eat, so I won’t”.

Advice:

Do not try to convince the baby, because you will deprive him of the chance to get out of a difficult situation with dignity. A possible way out is to say that you will leave the food on the table, and he can eat when he is hungry. This method is best used only during a crisis.

3. Despotism

Most often, this symptom occurs in families with an only baby. He tries to force his mother and father to do as he pleases. For example, a daughter demands that her mother be with her all the time. If there are several children in the family, then despotic reactions manifest themselves as jealousy: the baby screams, stomps, pushes, takes away toys from his brother or sister.

Advice:

Don't be manipulated. And at the same time, try to pay more attention to children. They must realize that parental attention can be attracted without scandals and tantrums. Involve the baby in household chores - cook dinner for dad together.

4. Symptom of depreciation

For a child, the value of old attachments disappears - to people, favorite dolls and cars, books, rules of conduct. Suddenly, he begins to break toys, tear books, call names or grimace in front of his grandmother, and say rude things. Moreover, the baby's vocabulary is constantly expanding, replenishing, among other things, with various bad and even indecent words.

Advice:

Try to distract the children with other toys. Instead of cars, take up the designer, instead of books, choose drawing. Often look at pictures on the topic: how to behave with other people. Just don’t read moralizing, it’s better to play the child’s reactions that disturb you in role-playing games.

5. Obstinacy

This unpleasant symptom of a crisis is impersonal. If negativity concerns a specific adult, then obstinacy is directed at the usual way of life, at all actions and objects that relatives offer the child. Often it is found in families in which there are disagreements on the issue of education between mom and dad, parents and. The kid simply ceases to fulfill any requirements.

Advice:

If the baby does not want to clean up the toys right now, take him to another activity - for example, draw. And after a few minutes, you will find that he himself will begin to put the cars in the basket, without your prompting.

6. Riot

A three-year-old child is trying to prove to adults that his desires are as valuable as their own. Because of this, he goes into conflict for any reason. It seems that the baby is in a state of undeclared "war" with others, protesting against their every decision: "I do not want and I will not!".

Advice:

Try to remain calm, friendly, listen to children's opinions. However, insist on your decision when it comes to the safety of the child: "You can not play with the ball on the roadway!".

7. Willfulness

Willfulness is manifested in the fact that children strive for independence, and regardless of the specific situation and their own capabilities. The child wants to independently buy any product in the store, pay at the checkout, cross the road without holding on to his grandmother's hand. It is not surprising that such desires do not cause much enthusiasm in adults.

Advice:

Let your child do what he wants to do. If he fulfills the desired, he will receive invaluable experience, if he fails, he will do it next time. Of course, this only applies to situations that are absolutely safe for children.

Video consultation: Crisis 3 Years, 8 manifestations of the crisis. What parents need to know

What should parents do?

First of all, adults need to understand that children's behavior is not a bad heredity or a harmful character. Your child is already big and wants to become independent. It's time to build a new relationship with him.

1. React calmly and calmly. It should be remembered that the baby, with his actions, tests the strength of the parental nerves and looks for weak points that can be put pressure on. Also, do not scream, break loose on children, and even more so physically punish - harsh methods can aggravate and prolong the course of the crisis ().
2. Set reasonable limits. No need to clog the life of a small person with all sorts of prohibitions. However, you should not go to the other extreme, otherwise, because of permissiveness, you risk raising a tyrant. Find a “golden mean” - reasonable boundaries that you absolutely cannot cross. For example, it is forbidden to play on the road, walk in cold weather without a hat, skip daytime sleep.
3. Encourage independence. Everything that does not pose a danger to children's life, the child can try to do, even if several mugs break in the process of learning (). Baby wants to draw on the wallpaper? Attach a piece of paper to the wall and give a few felt-tip pens. Shows genuine interest in the washing machine? A small bowl of warm water and doll clothes will distract you from tricks and whims for a long time.
4. Give the right to choose. Parental wisdom suggests giving even a three-year-old baby the opportunity to choose from at least two options. For example, do not force outerwear on him, but offer to go outside in a green or red jacket :). Of course, you still make serious decisions, but you can give in to unprincipled things.

How to deal with whims and tantrums?

In most cases, the bad behavior of three-year-olds - whims and hysterical reactions - is aimed at attracting parental attention and getting the desired thing. How should a mother behave during the crisis of three years in order to avoid constant tantrums?

1. During an affective outburst, it is useless to explain something to a baby. It is worth waiting until he calms down. If the tantrum caught in a public place, try to take it away from the "public" and divert children's attention. Remember what kind of cat you saw in the yard, how many sparrows were sitting on a branch in front of the house.
2. Try to smooth out outbursts of anger with the help of the game. The daughter does not want to eat - seat the doll next to her, let the girl feed her. However, soon the toy will get tired of eating alone, so one spoon for the doll, and the second for the baby (watch the video at the end of the article).
3. To prevent whims and tantrums during a crisis, learn to negotiate with children even before starting any action. For example, before going shopping, agree on the impossibility of buying an expensive toy. Try to explain why you can't buy this machine. And be sure to ask what the baby would like to receive in return, offer your own version of entertainment.

To minimize the manifestation of tantrums and whims, necessary:

• remain calm without showing irritation;
• provide the child with attention and care;
• invite the child to choose a way to solve the problem ( "what would you do in my place?");
• find out the reason for such behavior;
• postpone the conversation until the end of the scandal.

Some parents, after reading our article, will say that they have not observed such negative manifestations in their three-year-old children. Indeed, sometimes the crisis of three years proceeds without obvious symptoms. However, the main thing in this period is not how it passes, but what it can lead to. A sure sign of the normal development of a child's personality at this age stage is the emergence of such psychological qualities as perseverance, will and self-confidence.

Thus, the crisis of the age of three is an absolutely normal phenomenon for a growing child, which will help him become an independent person. And one more important point - the more trusting and softer the relationship between the baby and the mother, the easier it will go through this stage. Irritation, categoricalness and screams of adults will only aggravate the negative behavior of the child.

How we survived the crisis

Games to overcome the crisis 3 years

Psychology lessons for moms

Who is entitled to allowance for the care of a child up to 3 years. What is the size of the allowance for the care of a child under 3 years old today and what are the prospects and amounts of increasing this allowance from 2020?

Benefit for caring for a child up to 3 years: what are the prospects and the size of the increase?

The authorities of the Russian Federation, as part of stimulating the birth rate, provide support to parents and other relatives caring for the younger generation. The following types of state support are accrued and paid to them:

• The existing system of state support for families with children in 2019 provides citizens of the Russian Federation who are on parental leave for up to three years with a monthly allowance in the amount of 40% of average earnings only for the first year and a half.
• After the child reaches the age of 1.5 years, for two decades, care allowance will be provided only in the form of compensation from the employer in the amount of 50 rubles. per month.
• At the same time, given the large-scale shortage of nursery groups, a child can be sent to kindergarten only from the age of 3, while the bulk of the Russian population does not have the opportunity to hire a nanny for a one and a half year old child, who will need to pay a salary.

In this regard, regional governments are developing their own measures to support parents. We will analyze who and what types of state support can count on in 2018. Where to apply for them, what documents to collect.

General concept of child benefits

The state develops and implements measures aimed at supporting families with children. Most of them are financial in nature. So, women who have given birth are entitled to receive money until the baby is three years old.

Child benefits are divided into two types:

• up to one and a half years;
• up to three years.

At the same time, the size of the first type of state aid is significant. The payment allows a mother who has received parental leave not to experience financial difficulties. When the baby turns one and a half years old, the situation changes.

• In 2019, an allowance for mothers (or other family members) up to three years old is assigned in accordance with the decree of the President of the Russian Federation No. 1110 of May 30, 1994. It is compensatory.
• The amount of this type of state aid is 50 rubles.

Who is entitled to child care allowance up to 3 years

Monthly for 50 rubles from one and a half to three years can receive:

• employed mothers (other family members):
  • on leave for care;
• women:
  • are invalids of 1 or 2 groups;
    • full-time students;
• dads or other adult family members caring for the baby;
  • adoptive parents and guardians;
• female military personnel serving within the Russian Federation or abroad;
• mothers dismissed in connection with the liquidation of the enterprise;

Attention: the law applies to citizens of the Russian Federation

Where to go

The application is submitted to the body involved in the calculation and payment of assistance.

The addressee depends on the circumstances, namely:

• employed must write an application at the place of service (to the head);
• students - to the rector of the university;
• military personnel - to submit a report to the authorities;
• provide assistance through the social protection authorities at the place of residence:
  • dismissed on reduction;
  • individual entrepreneurs.

Reference: financing of this type of social assistance is carried out from the funds of the Social Insurance Fund (FSS) or the state budget.

What documents are needed

The following documents are attached to the application:

• a copy of the birth certificate of the baby;
• a copy of the work book;
• certificate from the employment authorities that the applicant does not receive unemployment benefits.

If a allowance for child care up to 3 years is issued not for the mother, then you still need to bring a certificate stating that other family members do not receive it.

Attention: you need to have original documents with you for verification.

You can apply in the following ways:

• bring in person
• send by letter with a list of attachments and a notification (certification of copies is required);
• transfer through an intermediary (a power of attorney is needed);
• through the State Services portal (an account is required).

Application processing procedure

The received package of documents must be reviewed within ten days.

After the payments start:

• employed - on the day of payroll for employees of the company;
• through social insurance - on the date of the next transfers.

Attention: an application can be written within six months starting from the date of execution of a child of one and a half years.

Theoretically, the appointment of state support may be denied. In practice, this happens due to the failure to provide any document. In this case, the applicant is notified of the need to deliver the paper. As a rule, the specialist uses the phone number specified in the application.

Money by law must be paid for the entire due period. Therefore, if the mother declares her right before the baby's second birthday, she will receive the first tranche for six months in one amount.

For information: the benefits are transferred to the recipients specified in the application in the following way:

• to a bank card;
• postal transfer.

Can payments be terminated early?

Under certain conditions, compensation assistance may be canceled.

The law describes the following conditions for termination of payments:

• dismissal of the recipient;
• granting him unemployment benefits;
• interruption of parental leave (return to full-time work);
• new births (from decree to decree);
• transfer of the baby to full state support;
• deprivation of the recipient of parental rights;
• death of a newborn.

Reference: the termination of accruals begins from the next month after the date of occurrence of one of the circumstances.

Proposals for changing legislation

The allowance for children under three years of age needs to be reviewed. This was stated by the Prime Minister of the Russian Federation Dmitry Medvedev, reporting to the deputies of the State Duma for the work of the government on April 17, 2019.

"This allowance was established in 1994 and needs to be revised," Medvedev said.

• The amount of the allowance may change from 2020, Dmitry Medvedev said, the government has prepared proposals.
• “We consider it right to consider the issue of a significant increase in the amount of this allowance, to do this starting next year,” the prime minister told the deputies.
• He did not name the size of the indexation of benefits, but noted that the payments could be targeted.

Regional support for mothers up to 3 years

While at the federal level there is a discussion of changing the legislative procedure for providing assistance to mothers of babies under 3 years old, in the regions they are creating their own programs. Subjects of the federation have the right, if funds are available, to finance social support for needy citizens.

Reference: the authorities of Crimea and Sevastopol faced the problem of the need to introduce new mechanisms to help families with newborns. The fact is that in Ukraine the allowance for mothers is paid until the baby's third birthday. After the transition of the regions to the Russian legislative field, the authorities had to solve the problem of loss of income for this category of citizens.

In the capital and the region, additional measures have been established to support families with newborns up to their third birthday.

They are formed on the following principles:

• targeting, that is, they are assigned to a specific recipient, and not to a category of citizens;
• need - is provided to families whose average monthly income is below the subsistence level established for the region.

Reference: support on the same principles is organized in some regions of the Russian Federation (more details should be found on the official websites of the respective governments).

Types and amounts of benefits for families in the capital

Mothers and other relatives of babies under three years of age may qualify for various payments. The main criterion is the place of registration of the recipient: one of the parents must have a residence permit in Moscow or the region.

The types of benefits and their amounts are as follows:

Recipient Category	Description (monthly)
single mother	Allowance - 4,500 rubles; for food - 675 rubles; in connection with the increase in prices - 750 rubles.
Disabled parents Low-income families	1 600 rub.
Disabled parents	6 000 rub.
students	1,600 rubles; for food - 1,875 rubles.
Large families
Three or four minors	1,600 rubles; food - 675 rubles; utility bills - 522 rubles; telephone - 230 rubles; price increase - 600 rubles.
Five or more	1,600 rubles; groceries - 675 rubles; price increase - 750 rubles; utilities - 1,044 rubles; telephone - 230 rubles; purchase of children's goods - 900 rubles.
foster families	12 000 rub. at a time; 1,600 rubles; for utilities 928 rubles.

Tip: to find out the amount of payments in other regions, you should contact the appropriate social security authority at your place of residence.

Age after two years often becomes the age of inexplicable stubbornness and negativism. This is a very important period in the development of the baby.

During the period, the baby is aware of himself and strives for independence. He discovers for the first time that he is the same person as others, for example, like his parents. One of the manifestations of this discovery is the appearance in his speech of the pronoun "I". Prior to this, the child speaks of himself only in the third person or calls himself by name.

The new self-awareness manifests itself in the desire to imitate adults, imitate their behavior and try in various ways to assert their equality with them.

The child begins to form a will, which is called "autonomy" or independence. Children do not want to experience excessive control from adults and tend to make their own choice in many, even minor situations.

If the parents noticed this moment and realized that it was time to rebuild and change their previous attitude towards the child, the crisis of three years can go quite smoothly and painlessly. In the case when there were warm, friendly relations between parents and the child before, and a benevolent atmosphere reigned in the family, parents will even be surprised if someone tells them that their child is at a difficult stage of development. But if the parents have not realized that the old methods of communicating with the child are no longer relevant at the new age stage, then the child can turn into a completely uncontrollable little tyrant.

The child begins to realize himself as a separate person, with his own desires and characteristics. At this age, the child has new favorite words and expressions “I AM”, “DO NOT WANT” and “NO”.

The kid often acts the other way around: you call him, and he runs away; ask to be careful, and he deliberately scatters things. The child screams, may stomp his feet, swing at you with an angry, angry face. Thus, the baby shows his activity, independence, perseverance in achieving the desired. But the skill for this is still not enough. He begins to dislike something, and the child expresses his displeasure very emotionally.

The crisis can begin as early as 2.5 years, and end in 3.5 - 4 years.

Parents are horrified: something terrible has begun to happen to the child! Frequent tantrums, sometimes on the verge of seizures: try not to buy a toy, falls to the floor and screams like a cut! Incredible stubbornness, disobedience… “Get off! This is my chair, I sat on it!” - shouts to dad, and in the eyes of genuine anger. What happened to the baby? “We missed the moment, and we have some kind of monster growing!” - parents state in alarm. "Dismissed utterly!" - Grandparents grumble.

“Nothing of the kind, everything is in perfect order!” say child psychologists. It's just that a child has a crisis of three years, which is necessary for him to grow up like air. It is in the third year of life that the baby for the first time persistently informs us: “I myself! I'm already an adult!

The crisis of three years must take place in the life of every child. If not, then something is wrong with the baby. Crisis is good! Yes, parents are in for a difficult period, but it defines a new, very important stage in the development of the child.

There are several such crises in a child's life, and each of them can become a creative and progressive stage of growth. It is at the age of three that it is important to support the baby's desire for self-affirmation and adulthood! If your baby is two years old: expect a crisis! It will grow gradually, reach a stormy peak - with those very tantrums and conflicts, and then come to naught, becoming a great school of life for the baby.

Seven signs of a three-year crisis.

It is important to distinguish normal growth problems from being spoiled or from the baby's whims associated with a lack of mother's love and warmth.

1. Negativism. The child gives a negative reaction "no!" not so much on the action that he is asked to perform, but on the demand or request of a certain adult. He doesn't do something just because a certain adult suggested it to him. In this case, the child ignores the demands of one family member or one teacher, but can obey others.

At first glance, it seems that a naughty child of any age behaves this way. But with ordinary disobedience, he does not do something because he does not want to do exactly this, for example, go to bed on time. If he is offered another occupation, interesting and pleasant for him, he will immediately agree.

Negativism is an act of a social nature: it is most of all addressed to specific people. With a sharp manifestation of negativism by a child, communication with an adult can take on an extreme form, when the child replies in defiance to any statement of an adult: “Eat soup!” - “I won’t!”, “Let’s go for a walk” - “I won’t go”, “Hot milk” - “No, not hot” and so on.

At the age of three, the child for the first time becomes able to act contrary to his immediate desire. The child's behavior is determined not by this desire, but by relationships with an adult. The motive of behavior is already outside the concrete situation. Remember: negativism is not a pathology or a sophisticated desire of a child to annoy an adult.

Of course, negativism is a crisis phenomenon that should disappear with time. But the fact that at the age of 3 a child gets the opportunity to act not under the influence of any random desire, but on the basis of other, more complex and stable motives, is an important achievement in his development.

When a child is told “yes” and he repeats “no”, the baby makes it clear that he has the right to his own views and wants to be considered. The child is fighting for his autonomy, the struggle for his right to choose, which is an absolutely necessary condition for personal development. Faced with a categorical rejection of such behavior on the part of the parents, the baby finds himself in conditions unfavorable for gaining experience that is vital for the formation of his personality.

If at this stage of life the "no" of the little man is completely ignored by adults, then the boy or girl may not learn the best life lesson for himself. The meaning of this lesson boils down to something like this: if you want to be good, you must always agree with external opinion, especially authoritative opinion. Having made such a decision in early childhood, many boys and girls, who please their parents and teachers with obedience, are far from always able to say “no” when older comrades invite them to take part in unseemly deeds.

An adult who causes flashes of negativism in a child should analyze the nature of the relationship with the baby. Perhaps he is too demanding of the child, too strict with him or inconsistent in his actions. Sometimes an adult, unwittingly, can provoke outbreaks of negativism. This happens when an authoritarian model of interaction with a child is used.

Negativism can disappear very quickly if adults do not indulge in lengthy disputes with the baby, do not try to “eradicate sedition” in the bud and insist on their own. At the same time, negativism can be turned into a game that teaches the baby to express his desires and intentions differently. You can, for example, play the game "I don't want to." Moreover, the mother could play the role of a naughty child. And then the child himself will have to find the right solution for the “capricious little mother”, thereby suggesting how best to behave.

This example clearly shows that the correct position of the parents is certainly important. But the techniques by which they can “honorably” get out of a difficult situation in their relationship with the child are also important.

2. Stubbornness. The kid insists on something only because he himself suggested it.

Buy a ball!

Mom buys, but after a minute the balloon is no longer needed.

Buy a car!

Do you really need her?

A minute later, interest in the machine was gone, and she was lying around without wheels. The explanation is simple: in fact, the child is not interested in both the ball and the machine, but it is important for him to insist on his own. If mom doesn't buy - hysterical! But stubbornness must be distinguished from perseverance: at other times, the car is of real research interest, and your baby will play with it for a long time.

Stubbornness is the reaction of a child who insists on something not because he really wants it, but because he himself told adults about it. He demands that his opinion be taken into account. His initial decision determines all his behavior, and the child cannot refuse this decision even under changed circumstances.

Stubbornness is not the persistence with which a child achieves what he wants. Stubbornness differs from persistence in that a stubborn child continues to insist on his decision, although he no longer wants it so much, or does not want it at all, or has long lost his desire.

Domestic psychologists give the following example of stubbornness: “Grandma asks three-year-old Vova to eat a sandwich. Vova, who is playing with the constructor at this time, refuses. Grandmother asks him again and again, begins to persuade. Vova does not agree. Grandmother comes up to him after forty minutes and again offers to eat a sandwich. Vova, who is already hungry and is not averse to eating the proposed sandwich, rudely replies: “I said - I won’t eat your sandwich! I won't do it for anything!" The grandmother, upset and offended, begins to scold the boy: “You can’t talk to your grandmother like that. Grandma is twenty times older than you. I know better than you what you need to eat.

Vova lowers his head down, his nostrils flare noisily, his lips are tightly compressed. Grandmother, seeing her grandson's lowered head, thinks that she "won", and complacently asks: "Well, Vova, will you eat a sandwich?" Vova, instead of answering, throws the details of the designer on the floor, tramples them with his feet and shouts: “I won’t, I won’t, I won’t eat your sandwich!” He cries because he wants to eat for a long time, but does not know how to adequately get out of this situation and give up his word.

Adults who are next to the child at such a moment should teach the baby what to do in this case, and not drive him into a corner with their demands. Of course, the grandmother can "win the battle" by making the child do what she demands. But it is better for an adult not to take the position of "who wins." This will only lead to increased tension and possibly hysteria in the child. In addition, the child can learn the adult's non-constructive behavior, and he will act in a similar way in the future.

How to deal with a stubborn child?

• Be sensitive. Intervene less in the actions of the child, do not rush him. Sometimes it is more convenient for a mother to do something for the child, for example, to dress, feed, clean, etc., but do not rush. Let him dress and undress to his heart's content, clean up spilled toys, and comb his hair in front of a mirror. Be patient. This period in a relationship with a child is not only his growing pains, but also an exam for adults.

• Be more flexible and resourceful. For example, a child refuses to eat, although you know for sure that he should already be rather hungry. Don't beg him. And, for example, set the table and put a toy next to it. Pretend that she came to dinner and asks the baby, as an adult, to try if the soup is too hot and feed her. The result is amazing: many children, carried away by the game, sit next to the toy and somehow imperceptibly eat the contents of the plate with it.

Or another example: “I will not wear mittens (take off my pajamas, wash my hands, etc.!” A parent can say in a calm voice: “Yes, of course, I DO NOT ALLOW you to wear mittens for a walk (take off your pajamas before dinner, wash your hands with soap and dry them with a towel)". The child usually immediately begins to put on mittens, take off pajamas, etc. These are the "little tricks" that allow you not to bring communication to a conflict!

• Three-year-old children expect close people to recognize their independence and self-reliance. Therefore, expand the rights and responsibilities of the baby. Allow him to exercise his independence within reasonable limits.

The child wants to help his mother put things in order - great! Give him a rag, a broom or a vacuum cleaner in his hands and do not forget about praise. If parents during this period begin to give the baby more freedom, then by doing this they support his new idea of ​​\u200b\u200bhimself and teach him to distinguish between those areas of life in which he can really behave almost like an adult, and those in which he still remains a small child, in need of help and guidance.

3. obstinacy. The kid suddenly rebels against the usual things that he used to do without problems. She categorically refuses to wash, eat, dress. For example, a child already knows how to eat with a spoon, but he may flatly refuse to eat on his own.

Unlike negativism, obstinacy is not directed at a person, but against the former way of life, against the rules that were in the life of a child up to three years old. Obstinacy is expressed in a kind of childish discontent, causing a reaction with which the child responds to everything that is offered to him and what is being done. Authoritarian upbringing in the family, when parents often use orders and prohibitions, contributes to a vivid manifestation of obstinacy.

From the usual insufficient compliance of the child, obstinacy differs in tendentiousness. The child is rebellious, his dissatisfied, defiant behavior is tendentious in the sense that it is really imbued with a hidden rebellion against what the child has dealt with before.

Very often, parents of three-year-old children complain that the child suddenly begins to show his independence. He shouts that he will tie his shoelaces himself, pour soup into a bowl himself, and cross the road himself. Moreover, often he does not know how to do this, but, nevertheless, requires complete independence.

Parents, depending on the situation, on the individual characteristics of the child, on family traditions, can solve the problem in different ways: to distract the child, to persuade him, to allow him to act independently. But if this action is dangerous for the life and health of the baby, adults must definitely prohibit the child from doing this (for example, crossing the road, turning on the gas).

4. willfulness. Now the same, painfully familiar, “I myself!” always comes to the fore. He strives to do everything he can and cannot do. Much has not yet worked out, he understands that he needs to turn to an adult for help, but pride does not allow, because he himself is already an adult! The poor little man is torn apart by an internal contradiction: I myself can’t, and I can’t ask adults. Conflict, grief, hysteria, roar ...

5. protest, riot. The kid goes into conflict with everyone, and it seems to his parents that he is maliciously mocking them. Throws a toy:

Pick up, I can't! - commands mom.

No, just pick it up.

I can't! You lift! - and hysteria.

6. Depreciation. Defiantly breaks toys, turns out a cosmetic bag and draws on the walls with her mother's best lipstick. It can call names, screw into speech rude and even obscene words heard somewhere. Psychologists explain: by doing so, he reminds: "I'm in charge here!".

What is devalued in the eyes of a child? What used to be familiar is interesting and expensive. A three-year-old child can discard or even break an adored toy (favorite things in the past are depreciated). Such phenomena indicate that the child's attitude to other people and to himself is changing. He is psychologically separated from close adults.

7. Despotism and jealousy.

I said that dad would sit in this chair, not in the chair!

Try dad to move - hysteria! If there are other children in the family, the little despot will spitefully throw away their toys, push the "rival" off his mother's knees.

In a family with an only child, the despotism of a son or daughter can often manifest itself. In this case, the kid, by all means, wants to ensure that any of his desires is fulfilled, he wants to become "master of the situation." The means that he will use in this case can be very diverse, depending on the “weak spot” in the behavior of the parents.

If there are several children in the family, the same symptom can be called jealousy. The child is forced to share power over others with a brother or sister. This situation does not suit him, and he fights for power with all his might. Jealousy can manifest itself openly: children often fight, quarrel, try to subdue an opponent, to show that one of them is better, “more important”.

To prevent this from happening, parents should be more sensitive to the needs of each child in the family. Sometimes it is better to postpone some household chores, but be sure to give at least a few minutes of undivided attention to each of the children, no matter what age they are, during the day. Any child needs mom or dad for, even the shortest, time “belongs” only to him alone, when you don’t have to share parental love with anyone.

These are the main symptoms of the crisis of three years. It is not difficult to see, having considered these symptoms, that the crisis manifests itself mainly in such features that make it possible to recognize in it a kind of rebellion against authoritarian upbringing, it is like a protest of a child in the logic “No!”. This is a protest of a small person who demands independence, who has outgrown those norms of interaction and forms of guardianship that developed at an early age.

All symptoms are around the axis "I" of the child and the people around him. These symptoms indicate that the child's attitude to the people around him or to his own personality is changing. In general, the symptoms, taken together, give the impression of an emancipation of the child: before, adults "led him by the hand", but now he has a tendency to "walk on his own." Personal action and consciousness “I AM”, “I WANT”, “I CAN”, “I DO” appear (it is during this period that many children begin to use the pronoun “I” in speech).

The crisis of three years (as, indeed, any other crisis) will be acute only if adults do not notice or do not want to notice the changes taking place in the child, if the parents, by all means, strive to preserve the former nature of the relationship in a family that the child has already outgrown. In this case, adults try to restrain the activity and independence of their child. The result can only be a growing mutual misunderstanding, frequent conflicts.

The crisis of the third year of life is the period when the child first begins to realize: he has grown up and also already represents something, can influence other people and circumstances, decide for himself what to do, what he wants and does not want. He feels like a big person and requires appropriate attitude and respect! And we, parents, still dictate and command - what to wear, when to eat and sleep, how to play and what to do. That's why rebellion is born: I decide everything myself! Moreover, the conquest of the right to self-determination takes place not only in the struggle with adults, but also with oneself.

It is infinitely difficult for parents to withstand stubbornness, screams, tantrums. But remember: your baby himself is much harder in these contradictions of his! He does not realize what is happening to him, and is not in control of his emotions, the storm overtakes him from the inside. This is how the formation of the psyche occurs in agony.

The peak of the crisis - tantrums. Moreover, if up to two years they also sometimes happened, but were associated with overwork, which means that it was necessary to calm and help, now hysteria has become a tool of manipulation. The child seems to be testing his parents (not on purpose, of course!), whether this method will help to achieve his desire or not. By the way, tantrums require spectators - that's why the kid loves to make a scene in a store, on a playground or right in the middle of a city street.

By the way, the crisis of three years is similar to the teenage crisis. And on how wisely the parents behave, it will largely depend on what the teenage period will be like - a severe catastrophe with bad companies and mother's tears or a successful, albeit difficult, attainment of adulthood.

How to behave so that everyone is a winner?

• Change the tactics and strategy of communication with the child: it's time to recognize that he is an adult (well, almost), respect his opinion and desire for independence. It is not necessary to do for the child what he can do himself, let him try as much as possible - everything that is not life-threatening: washing the floor, setting the table, washing. Well, he will carry water, break a couple of plates - not a great loss ... But how much he will learn and how he will be able to assert himself!

• Constantly offer choice (or the illusion of choice). Let's say mom knows - it's time for a walk, and suggests: "Kostya, shall we go for a walk on foot on the stairs or on the elevator?" (Options: In a black jacket or green? Will you eat borscht or porridge? From a plate with a flower or with a typewriter? With a spoon or a fork?).

• Do not force, but ask for help: "Seryozha, take me by the hand across the road, otherwise I'm scared." And now the son tightly clings to his mother by the hand - the situation is under control and without conflict.

• It is necessary to expect that a child needs more time for everything than an adult, because he still has a different type of nervous system and rhythm of life. Let's say that a mother needs a few minutes to dress herself and dress the child, but now he dresses himself, which means that the process must begin half an hour earlier.

All this will help prevent tantrums. And yet they inevitably happen, and very often in public. What to do then?

• To the ultimatum demand of the child, we say a firm and tough “No!”. And we turn away. The main thing is to maintain external calmness and impassivity - no matter how hard it may be. The kid screams, falls to the floor, knocks with his feet, passers-by look accusingly ... We'll have to be patient. You follow the lead, and hysteria will become a child's habitual tool for manipulating parents.

• If the little shrew defiantly fell into a puddle or onto the roadway, we take it in an armful, transfer it to a safe place and put it as we took it - let it scream there. Alas, exhortations at such a moment may not help, you just have to wait until the storm has passed.

• Creating pleasant perspectives - sometimes this also helps to calm. For example, mom says: “Kolya, you screamed because you really wanted to watch a cartoon. But now we're going to buy bread. On the way we will buy felt-tip pens, we will draw.

• Finally the baby calmed down. At the same time I realized that the method does not work. Do not criticize him: "Why are you yelling, I'm ashamed, people are looking at you ...". It’s better to say bitterly: “It’s very unpleasant for me that such a cry turned out ...” or “I’m so angry at what happened that I just want to scream myself!”. Such phrases teach the child to express their emotions. Later, he will also say something like this: “I’m sorry that you didn’t notice my efforts!”. And it’s easier for yourself when you speak out your feelings, and it’s clear to others what the causes of the outbreak are.

Typical mistakes of parents during the crisis of three years of their child is their lack of a firm position, a clear definition of what and how to demand from the child, how exactly to take into account the characteristics of this age stage. Often different family members cannot agree with each other on the principles of upbringing, which creates additional difficulties. An approach that requires the child to obey his parents completely and breaks his will is also mistaken. The consequence of typical parental mistakes is the formation of a "vicious circle": mistakes "spur" the child's negative emotions, and their increase leads to an increase in parents' confusion, self-doubt, and emotional breakdowns.

The correct actions of parents imply an understanding of the behavior of the child, the meaning of his actions. They are based on a clear position that determines when, how and what to insist on, what to put up with in the child's behavior, what educational methods are useful to use.

In order to successfully pass the crisis of three years, we must remember the principles: firmness in intentions, but flexibility in actions. It is important to take into account the individual characteristics of the baby. It is useful to have in reserve various pedagogical techniques that allow parents to help their child successfully overcome the crisis and ascend to a new age stage of personality development.

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