A pause in a relationship - a lifeline or the beginning of the end? Break in the relationship: how to behave? You need a break in a relationship.

"I do not know what to do next. Let's live separately for a while, sort out ourselves and our feelings for each other. Let's take a break, ”is the solution resorted to by some couples who, at a certain stage of their relationship, face problems that cannot be solved by peaceful negotiations. Misunderstanding, a quarrel in a quarrel, the feeling that there is a stranger nearby - because of all this, many people seem to run out of steam, do not feel the strength to continue to fight for relationships, but they are also afraid to put an end to it - they hope that they can still return to circles its.

When relationships come to a standstill, you involuntarily ask yourself the question: reanimate feelings or break up? But neither decision, as a rule, comes easily. Tired of the unknown and mental anguish, people come to the conclusion that a pause is the best option. After living separately for a while, you can weigh the pros and cons, consider the future prospects of the relationship and, most importantly, understand whether you need this person, can you imagine your life without him. However, it is worth considering the fact that they often take a break when they do not know how to provoke a breakup. Not all people have the courage to say, "I don't love you anymore."

What you need to know about a pause in a relationship?

Psychologists warn that a pause is not a panacea for all ills. If you think that the problems will disappear by themselves after a month spent apart, then you are greatly mistaken. Your meeting will also bring memories of why you once decided to run away for a while. Therefore, if now you have an unresolved problem, it is better to make an effort and dot all the i's.

However, sometimes a pause in a relationship is simply necessary, if only because, being constantly close to the "irritant", you do not have the opportunity to understand the deep psychological processes that occur exclusively in your mind. It is in order to calm down, to sensibly evaluate your behavior and the behavior of your partner, analyze his mistakes and, possibly, forgive them - you need a short break in the relationship.

In addition, when thinking about the pause, answer yourself honestly if you are looking for an excuse to break up in this way. If you absolutely do not expect anything from this relationship, then most likely it is not worth reviving them. It will be more honest to directly tell your partner about your feelings.

When should you take a break from a relationship?

1. When you stop understanding each other in small things. It would seem that there is no serious problem, no one cheated on anyone, but day by day you torment each other with mutual claims, make scandals from scratch and, having calmed down a little, you cannot answer why the fuss.

2. If you get bored with each other. You don’t know what to talk about, how interesting it is to spend time together, and any attempts to somehow diversify your joint leisure time fail - you start arguing even at the stage of choosing a “cinema or cafe”.

3. If you don't see feedback from your partner. You are ready to compromise, but he stubbornly bends his line and does not listen to your desires and requests at all. You feel offended, incomprehensible, tell him about it, but he does not seem to hear.

4. If you understand that absolutely all problems are in your head. He has not changed his attitude towards you and has not changed himself, but you want something different, new. Do not immediately cut off the shoulder, it is better to take a couple of weeks to think.

5. When you feel like you are living in a cage. The partner controls your every step, suspects infidelity and is jealous of all the men in your environment. Of course, before you pause in a relationship, you should talk to your loved one, explain what hurts you and upsets his distrust. If these heart-to-heart talks aren't working, it might be worth taking a short break.

A few rules of pause in relationships

1. Never take a break without discussing it with your man. Tell him about everything that worries you, and let him know that at the moment you do not see another way out of the situation.

2. Convince your partner that you are not leaving him, that this is not a breakup. Agree that you are just taking time to think, not to start a relationship with someone else.

3. Do not try to look at other men. Even if you understand that you want to break up with your partner, do it only after the end of the pause. Then you can start a new relationship, not before.

3. During the break, occupy yourself with something useful and interesting, fill your days with hobbies and hobbies, chatting with friends. Try to be alone as little as possible, so as not to end the pause solely because you are bored. In this case, problems may remain problems.

This article is addressed primarily to those who are thinking of asking their partner to take a break for a while, but do not know how to do it right. Such an offer can seriously hurt your soulmate, and if breaking off a relationship is not your goal, you need to arrange a break in the relationship very carefully. It is not uncommon for such a pause to lead to, but there are also examples of the positive impact of rest from each other on relationships. Today we will analyze in detail all the nuances of a break in a relationship.

Why do you need it?

The first and main question is why take a break in a relationship. If you have already firmly decided that you will not continue with this person, but you cannot tell him about it, you do not need to offer to pause. Type and dot the i, otherwise, you will only delay the inevitable and bring unnecessary unrest and negative to your partner. I'm sure he or she doesn't deserve this. There are many reasons to take a break in a relationship, and here are the main ones:

1. You need to sort yourself out. In close relationships, especially if you live together, it is often impossible to find time for yourself: to think about your future, solve your own problems, or just get distracted. Feeling for another person, we often suppress our desires and feelings, postponing them for “later”. As a result, a crisis of self-determination and choice of goals may be brewing, when a person ceases to see a whole picture of his future and becomes unhappy in the present. Such a state is completely unsuitable for making decisions about the fate of relationships (meaning separation), but if you do not resolve your internal conflict, they can deteriorate on their own. Here, a pause in the relationship will be very useful and, with a high degree of probability, will help to save them.
2. There is a crisis in the relationship. When the relationship between two people who still love each other deteriorates, this is the most annoying thing that can happen. After all, there are feelings, they are strong, but for some reason it doesn’t work out to be together. As a rule, in such a situation, a break in a relationship becomes a litmus test - after it, you will clearly understand either that it is time to leave, or that you want to continue to be with this person. Sometimes relationships work out on their own after a break, but don't count on it too much. They need to be worked on, consciously improved, and during the break, problems and a strategy for solving them can be formulated.
3. Do you doubt. If you have doubts of the following kind: “I’m not sure that this is the person I need”, “I’m not sure that I’m ready for such a serious relationship”, “I’m not sure that I will keep my freedom”, or there is an open situation with another person, take a break in a relationship is also necessary. Feeling free again, alone and able to make a choice, you will understand what kind of choice is relevant for you now.
4. You are out of breath. If your relationship is 24/7 communication: personal, telephone, text, etc., if you have become the center of the universe for your partner, a relationship break is unlikely to solve the problem. He will only give you time to be alone with yourself, but when you return, the situation will not change if you do not take specific actions. What - you can think about it, productively using the break time.
5. And finally, if relationships have lost their momentum and they became like living next door, if the feelings have cooled down, then a break in the relationship will help stir up both passion and love, and return.

Relationship Break Rules

When you offer your partner to pause your relationship, you should explain to him in as much detail as possible and in an accessible way how you came to this decision. Leaving him in a misunderstanding or ignorance, you will doom your loved one to torment, because his consciousness will slip a variety of reasons of a negative nature. Make sure that you are not only heard, but also understood - this is a prerequisite.

Set clear deadlines and rules for the break. Yes, it is difficult to say in advance how quickly you will understand yourself, but in order for the break not to turn into a breakup, it must have certain deadlines. Name intuitively as much as you need, for example, one month, but indicate that an extension of this period is possible.

As for the rules, they need to be set together, taking into account the views of both parties. It can be either a complete lack of contact with each other, or a limit of meetings and calls, say, per week - it's up to you.

Alternative option

I would advise before discussing a break in a relationship with a partner, try arrange it yourself. For example, you can go to live with relatives in another city or just go on vacation, ask for a business trip, live with your sister or mother. You can also achieve the goals that you planned for a relationship break, while the damage to the other side - your partner - will be minimal. Still, hearing that your loved one wants to take a break from a relationship is a serious test that not everyone can withstand.

This applies to relationships with a loved one, parents, children, etc.

What to do? In this case, it's best. It is needed in order to move a distance, to cool down, to think and understand what is happening and why.

Many are very afraid of this phrase - "take a break in a relationship." Consider this almost the final break. But it's not. After all, if everything is left as it is, then the relationship will only get worse. If you do not take a break and do not move away from each other, then they will actually reach a dead end and become so unbearable that there is nothing left but to break them.

When you are constantly near a person who annoys you, then you will not be able to understand your feelings and emotions, what is happening in your mind. That's what a break is for, distance. It is necessary to "turn off" the relationship, as we turn off the TV, computer, eliminate and be without them, in peace and quiet. Only in such conditions will you be able to reasonably assess your behavior and the behavior of your partner, understand your own and his characteristics. When this inner work is done, you may be able to realize a lot and forgive him and yourself.

So relax and let go. Let everything take its course. At a distance, thoughts calm down, new understandings come. Get distracted, do other things, let your mind work on its own.

Don't be afraid and don't panic a break can do you good. She is able not only to improve your relationship, but also to strengthen them, bring them to a higher level.

A friend of mine told me that there was a time when he and his wife stopped communicating with their daughter's family because they could no longer endure how she was rude to them and treated them disrespectfully. This went on for eight months. They did not call and did not come to their daughter, and she did not come to them. True, communication with the grandson was not interrupted. The boy himself called them, so there was a connection with the child. But with my daughter, no. But eight months later, their son-in-law called them and said that they want the whole family to visit their parents. Of course, the friend's wife prepared a good meal, and the meeting was warm. Nobody remembered what happened. Since then, their relationship has improved. Apparently, both sides understood a lot during this pause and began to build their relations based on what was meaningful.

Psychologist Ksenia Gorchakova talks about a similar case. One of her clients happened. They made the decision to leave. For a while, the couple lived separately, but met regularly. According to the client, it was like a second honeymoon. After a while, the couple moved in again.

According to the psychologist, a pause is useful because at a distance it is easier to realize what these relationships give you and what you lose when this person is far away. Some things that seem to be taken for granted, such as care, a feeling of closeness and warmth, take on a special value at a distance. It's like air that you don't notice while it's around you, but once you lose it, you start to suffocate and acutely feel its lack.

The point is also that there are many even a good, beloved person, ”continues Ksenia Gorchakova. - Distance helps to see what you have in common and unifying. But it also allows you to understand that you are different, in which you are not similar. In moments of aggravation of relations, it seems to you that there is nothing in common between you at all, and you will never be able to understand each other. And the distance will allow you to see what unites you, what you are similar in, and what it is worth keeping. Sometimes, in order to realize the value of relationships, you need to lose them, at least for a while.

But there are also nuances. At a distance, the impressions soften, and the person seems better. But as soon as you get close to him again, they can arise again.

The reason is that at a distance we are dealing not so much with a real person as with memories of him, his idealized image. This fantasy often turns out to be better and more pleasant than the reality of coexistence. It is much easier to love and accept an idealized image than a living person. And it is easier to communicate with him than with a real partner, the psychologist believes.

But still, a pause in a relationship helps to understand the measure of communication, the optimal mode that is comfortable for both. You can find a measure and dose communication without crossing certain boundaries. This will only benefit the relationship.

80% of couples believe that a pause in a relationship is essential, as it makes it clear where to move on. 30% tend to think that the pause may end in a break. What to do?

Psychologist Ksenia Gorchakova told whether it is necessary to part for a while and who is suitable for this method of settling family problems:

There are many ways to spice up a relationship, pause or breakup is one of them. For some couples, this method may work, for others, not so much. It all depends on how long this pause is, how complex and intricate the relationship is, whether there are children and other subtle points.

One of my clients separated from her husband when they had a relationship crisis. They lived separately for some time, but met regularly. She says it was like a second honeymoon. After some time, they again began to live as one family, and lived together for several more years. But the deep problem of their relationship did not go away, parting alone could not solve it. Therefore, they nevertheless decided to get a divorce.

What gives distance to a couple?

At a distance, it is easier to discover what the relationship gives and what you lose when this person is far away. Some things that seem to be taken for granted, such as caring, heartfelt conversations or heated quarrels, a feeling of closeness and warmth, take on special value at a distance. It's like air that you don't notice while it's around you, but if you lose it at least for a while, you start to suffocate and acutely feel its lack.

The sweet and beautiful illusion that loved ones can be together all the time and be happy at the same time, unfortunately, or fortunately, is far from reality. Even a loved and good person can be many. It's good if you have the ability to notice yourself, your needs and desires while staying close to others, but often, this is difficult. And then the distance can help to see that I am not he or she, that we have a lot in common and uniting, but there are also different things that make us not similar, but at the same time interesting for each other. Or, on the contrary, in moments of crisis, when it seems that there is nothing in common, and it is not possible to understand each other, the distance will help to see these unifying things, to see how they are similar and what is worth saving.

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What problems will a pause not solve in a couple?

A pause is unlikely to help solve those problems in relationships that are associated with ambiguity, where it is necessary to talk with each other and negotiate, share what is important and what is missing, see and hear each other. From a distance, one can realize what the difficulty is and approximately imagine how one can try to solve it, but one can decide and negotiate only while remaining in contact with a significant other.

Are there couples who just need a break?

Small pauses are especially needed in long-term relationships in which people have been around for too long, and may have lost that sense of freshness and novelty, which is just as important as stability and predictability. Sometimes, to add freshness to a relationship, you need to lose them. At least not for long. After all, a meeting is so wonderful when you have time to get bored. And a familiar and familiar person seems to be some kind of stranger, a little different, and this, among other things, allows you to maintain the partner's sexual attractiveness and sharpens the perception of his or her attractiveness.

It's important to understand that separation is not a panacea, she is likely to show and make more convex what is in the relationship at the moment, and what is not. And this is exactly what a pause is useful and necessary for when the situation seems to be a dead end. But looking for ways out of it, discussing ways to get what is missing or how to build relationships further is definitely better in a dialogue. A pause in a relationship can be used as a litmus test, a time-out, a stimulator of the creative process, but not a cure for relationship problems.

When to take a break in a relationship:

• when it seems that you are lost in a relationship and no longer feel the difference between what you want and what he wants;
• when relations with a partner suddenly become boring and painful, although in general everything is fine and suits a lot
• when sexual relations became more of a duty than a pleasure
• when you can't see a partner behind scandals and insults
• when it seems that love has gone and will never return
• just to prevent burnout in relationships with a certain frequency, comfortable for both partners

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What could be the distance?

It all depends on the nature of your relationship. It is enough for someone to spend one weekend with a friend in order to have time to miss their loved one, and for someone, even six months is not enough.

True, if the pauses are too long, then this is fraught with other difficulties. One of my clients had a husband who regularly went on business trips and spent several months away from home. During these periods, their love was especially tender and ardent. But as soon as he stayed at home longer, their relationship deteriorated, they began to hate each other and fight.

Indeed, at a distance, you are no longer dealing so much with a real person as with memories of him, or fantasies about him, or with some idealized idea of ​​him. And this fantasy is often better and more pleasant than the reality of living together, where there are scattered socks, snoring at night and fishing on weekends. An idealized image is much easier to love than a living person. And it is easier to communicate with him and control this image than a real partner. And this is the danger of the pause and its disadvantage.

Everything was fine: he said that he loved you, that he didn’t need anyone else ... You talked about how many children you would have and where you would spend your honeymoon ... So to speak, nothing foreshadowed trouble, and you were in seventh heaven from happiness. But suddenly he said that you need to take a break in the relationship - these words were like a bolt from the blue! What do these words mean, and how to behave now?

Let's think rationally

So, the first thing you need to do after such news is to pull yourself together and not give in to panic. Do not try to sob, fall at his feet, or, even worse, demand from him explanations or reasons for such behavior. Just smile and agree, and best of all, if you are a few steps ahead, and in response to his statement, you will say that he is absolutely right, and you yourself have thought about it.

Now, when you return home, do not throw yourself on the pillow and shed tears, as they say, this will not help the case. It’s better to make yourself tea with mint and linden and think, what, after all, happened?

In such a complex issue, it is best to trust the experts and listen to what they think about this.

So, let's turn to specialists in the field of personality psychology and here's what they say about this: a man who offered to pause in a relationship is a weak-willed, spineless creature who cannot make an important decision on his own, putting everything on your fragile shoulders.

No need to entertain yourself with empty hopes: a pause in a relationship is also parting, no more, no less.

It's just that your young man is so spineless that he cannot tell you this in person, as he is afraid of debriefing and showdown. Therefore, he found a way out, saying that you need a pause in the relationship - after all, this is, as it were, not a break, but not a couple either. And he did all this in the hope that you would be the first to freak out and leave him - in this case, he, in general, will come out dry and good from the water - he didn’t leave you, did he? And now think about whether you should be upset and worried about such a guy who cannot even make a decision on his own!

Why did he do it?

Yes, you can rack your brains and scroll through the options for why he did this, you can indefinitely. Only he knows the truth, but you, in fact, do not need it. Of course, you can analyze his behavior, who knows, maybe you will get to the bottom of the truth, but the fact remains: he left you.

Now it is very important to maintain emotional and mental peace. And this can only be done if you recognize this fact, will not deny it and come to terms with the fact that now you are alone. Puzzling over the question of why he did this, and what was wrong with you, you will get absolutely nothing but your shattered nerves and eyes swollen from tears.

In fact, now you will find yourself at a crossroads, as in that fairy tale, where there will be a stone with sentences in the middle. Let's look at the possible ways, as well as the consequences that will then arise:

1. You will keep a pause in the relationship, in the hope that he will return to you, and everything will be as before - the most stupid decision. Firstly, it will never be like before, because he wanted to part with you, and you will never forget this. And, secondly, even if he walks up and returns, what is the certainty that he will not do this again?

2. He returns with declarations of love, with words of repentance, and you forgive him. Great solution, but what's next for you? You already know that this person is not capable of making serious decisions, and is also not constant in his choice. And also, think about it, because now he can sit on your neck. And what? After all, you forgave his weakness once, so you will forgive again and again. But he will not take you seriously, as he will believe that you cannot live without him and will do anything if only he is there. Rest assured, such a relationship has no future.

3. You start a new and happy life, but without this person. It means that as soon as he suggested that you take a break in the relationship, you can safely switch your attention to the rest of the stronger sex. And, if suddenly his friends see you arm in arm with a new young man - it's even better, let him see that a holy place is never empty. Oh yeah, do not forget after you stop getting upset and pull yourself together, tell him that you no longer need a pause, since you are breaking up.

There is always the other side of the coin

Of course, it will be hard for you to go through a breakup, but in this case it is best to turn to the old and wise proverb that says that “everything that is not done, everything is done for the better.” And it's true, even if you don't believe it now.

And one more thing, the world has not converged like a wedge on this guy. It is possible that fate deliberately upset your union so that you meet a real man who can make you happy.

Just imagine what horizons are opening before you from now on: you can go wherever you want, and no one will make you jealous scenes, you can return home in the morning from a nightclub, and go on new dates every day. The main thing is not to close yourself in, do not acquire complexes, and throw out the negative thoughts that prevent you from living happily.

So let's sum up all of the above. Let's start with what a pause in a relationship really is. It means that it’s far from a pause, but a real break, it’s just that your young man doesn’t have the courage to admit it.

If your relationship is over, this does not mean at all that you are somehow different, that the reason is in you, and you are not worthy of a happy relationship. The reason, just the same, is in him, but not in you. And, the last thing - do not wait until he breaks off the relationship, do it yourself and start a new happy life. Be happy!