The modern world is full of conflicts and stress. Often we prioritize incorrectly, focusing all our strength and attention on third-party things. Do not forget that the people who surround us also require time and effort on your part. Maintaining a relationship is not an easy process, which always depends on both.

Concentrating on the external and forgetting about the internal, we begin to devalue the feelings of others, being convinced that we will be forgiven for any trifle and insult. However, life often exhibits a different pattern.

A person can forgive you countless times, but at a certain point stop all communication and disappear from your life. If we are not talking about close people, a person may not give you a second chance at all.

In the following paragraphs, we want to discuss the steps to reconciliation that will most likely make the other person understand what motives you really pursued.

Conflict analysis

Do not take everything that happens to you as a coincidence. Since we have every right to control our lives and actions, everything that happens to us today is the fruit of our yesterday's actions. It follows that by blaming your partner for the conflict, you avoid responsibility. What is a sincere apology? If it was not sincere, the offender has no right to forgiveness.

Don't try to deceive yourself. Do not feel guilty, but ask for forgiveness, because it is more convenient to live this way? It is better not to apologize at all until you realize your mistakes.

sincere remorse

So, you have acknowledged your guilt. However, awareness and repentance are not the same thing.

Awareness says that you value the relationship with the person, and repentance - both the person and your own conscience.

We all want justice and forgiveness. However, often the desire for one's own concept of justice replaces the need to forgive and be forgiven.

Asking for forgiveness is not a vaccine against pangs of conscience. Of course, you can apologize only in order to establish relationships that are beneficial to you for one reason or another. You can masterfully learn to ask for forgiveness, but there will be no honesty in them.

A person who, like you, finds benefit in communication will forgive you. But those who are really concerned about the future together will feel the falsity.

Speak what you feel

When apologizing to the person, be honest about how you feel. Tell me about how uncomfortable, ashamed, uncomfortable you were during the quarrel and joint isolation.

Feel free to feel! The main thing is to believe in what you are doing.
Far more embarrassing were worthy of unjust actions on your part. Forgiveness is a chance to feel better for both.

Talk about how your partner feels

When talking about your emotions, don't forget to mention how you might feel. offended person. If you know you've set your partner up, say, "I know I've caused you a lot of inconvenience and wasted time. Moreover, I realize that it was difficult for you to survive this.

If the person you are apologizing to understands that you are well aware of the consequences of your actions, it will be easier for him to forgive you. A clear awareness of one's guilt minimizes the possibility that a similar situation will happen again in the future.

This is what the offended is most afraid of.

Make it clear that you will not commit such actions, but not in the format: “I will not do it again!”.
It's much better to say, "I don't want to do this anymore."

Full apology

It is necessary to express everything that you think, carefully choosing words and expressions. Let the person know that you really want to hear their opinion and even a verdict on the situation.

Forget about the word "but"! You can say an incredible amount of words and say the word "I'm sorry" a thousand times, but criticizing the human reaction and naming whole list objectionable to you things that the second participant in the conflict did, you cross out literally everything.

If you have already taken it upon yourself to improve the situation, you should not look for the culprit, weighing each other's wrong actions bit by bit.

Wait and hope

Be prepared for the fact that you will not be forgiven at the same moment. It is this reaction of the person offended by you that is a signal that the relationship has a chance for life.

Quick apologies and equally quick forgiveness are not a solution to problems, but a disguise of them.

In the future, they can prove themselves at the most inopportune moment, and become a stumbling block between partners.

Ecology of life. Psychology: Penitents hope their red-faced confessions will bring forgiveness, but is it really enough to say sorry to restore trust?

Of six components good apology two are the most efficient.

There are six components to an effective apology, according to new research:

Expression of regret

Explanation of what went wrong

Recognition of responsibility

Voluntary recognition

Suggestion to rectify the situation

Asking for forgiveness

​

However, two components are more important than the others.

Responsibility comes first, - explains one of the authors of the study, Professor Roy Lewicki.

"Our study showed that the most important component an apology is an acknowledgment of responsibility. Say it's your fault, that it was you who made the mistake."

The second most effective strategy, after the recognition of responsibility, is the proposal to correct the situation.

Professor Lewicki says:

One of the main problems with apologies is that the apology itself is worthless. Expressing willingness to fix what is broken reflects the acceptance of responsibility for the damage caused.

next important thing is an expression of regret, an explanation of what went wrong, as well as an expression of remorse.

The very last step is asking for forgiveness, says Lewicki:

You can skip this step if necessary.

These findings are based on a study in which people read various scenarios in which a person made a mistake for which they had to apologize.

The apology contained one, three, or six components. People rated the effectiveness various kinds apologies. The study tested only the effectiveness of these components.

Lewicki also pointed out another very important factor:

"It is also clear that when you apologize, it is very important eye contact and an appropriate sincere tone"

It is also very easy to overestimate the power of an apology, as I wrote before.

How effective is an apology?

We assume that apologizing can help mend relationships, but do we overestimate the importance of an apology?

Not a week goes by without yet another apology from a public figure for the incredible destruction. An endless parade of politicians, businessmen and celebrities on TV and in the press admitting their mistake and apologizing for what they did wrong.

We have come to the conclusion that as soon as day follows night, a public figure apologizes for this or that offense. Sometimes these apologies look sincere and heartfelt, and sometimes they are just formal and insincere.

Penitents hope that their red-faced confessions will bring forgiveness, but is it really enough to say sorry to restore trust?

Thanks for adding holidays.ru to:

Forgive me, if possible, because there is no limit to my remorse. My soul is restless, and my conscience has simply gnawed at my consciousness, reminding me of the strength of my guilt...

I may not be worthy of being forgiven by you. But I know how generous you are. you have a big kind heart who cannot remain indifferent to my pleas for forgiveness.

Asking for forgiveness in words is easier than sincerely repenting in your soul. Believe me, I am extremely sorry for what happened. Don't be angry with me, you are dear to me.

Apologies to the girl

I don't need anything more than your forgiveness right now! Just do not be angry, let go of resentment, cool down from anger. The smile addressed to me suits you so well!

You were offended, and my world collapsed, the sky darkened around me, and clouds of black melancholy thickened over my head. Forgive me, give me back the light and joy of life!

You are wise and kind girl please try to understand and forgive me like a woman. And I will try never to do that again.

With hope for the most speedy reconciliation With the cutest girl in the world, I offer my most sincere apologies.

I know you have broad soul and a huge heart in which there is no place for resentment and anger, so you will definitely forgive me, right?

Apologizing to a girl in your own words

I can’t understand how it happened that I managed to offend you! I am very sorry. Let's make peace, please?

If only I knew how to make amends with such a sunny creature as you, but I do not know, and therefore I simply apologize.

Darling, I admit my guilt, I swear that this will not happen again, and I apologize a thousand times, just stop looking at me with such offended eyes, my soul cannot bear it!

I just want to tell you, "I'm sorry." It's a sin to offend such a girl. Sinful, sorry.

Please forgive me for upsetting you. Your resentment is a stone on my heart.

Saying "I'm sorry" is hard, but it's even harder to forgive. I hope that you will meet me...

Please accept my apologies for the hurt you endured because of me. Your step towards me is waiting for more than anything in the world.

Unlike many of my previous "highly specialized" articles, this one is intended for a wide range of readers - men and women (and not necessarily in a relationship), because we will talk about universal values namely, an apology.

It doesn’t matter who you need in front of, a business partner or work colleagues, the essence does not change, just as the methods and approaches to the very process of apology do not change.

Very often, people do not know how to ask for forgiveness correctly and therefore cannot achieve the benefits that necessarily follow a correctly and gracefully made apology. Let's take a quick look:

The most common mistakes when making an apology

Pride. Many people think that asking for forgiveness means humiliating themselves, so they don’t consider it necessary to apologize at all, even if they are sure that they were wrong. Usually such people try to “get away from the situation” and justify themselves by saying: “Why should I, because he (she, they) was also wrong! So let him (she, they) first, and then I, if I see fit” or “Maybe no one will know what I did? Why would I apologize?" In fact, elementary cowardice, not pride, is hidden behind these words.

embarrassment. Some are embarrassed to apologize and therefore, during the apology, they grumble under their breath something similar to: “Well, you are ... sorry if something is wrong” or “If I offended you, I'm sorry”, etc.

plea. People who consider themselves sincere and open usually apologize like this - they fold their eyebrows in a “house”, give their face an unhappy expression, and then with aspiration and anguish say, sobbing and pressing their hands to their hearts: “For God's sake, forgive me for everything, for everything!”

And although there are actually many more mistakes, I think that many of you recognized yourself even in these three examples.

As you already understood, none of the listed options is correct and you cannot ask for forgiveness in this way, even if you are convinced that in all cases you apologize sincerely.
The secret of a good apology is that it must be sincere not only in your opinion and own feeling, but they should also be MEANINGful to those you're apologizing to.
If you know how to apologize properly, then you:

• save the relationship
• rebuild (or rebuild) trust
• save your energy and save yourself from unnecessary worry
• maintain and increase your self-esteem

About guilt

Think! If you are now feeling guilty about the words you have spoken or the actions you have done, what will you lose if you ask for forgiveness?

If you know you were wrong, or let other people down, it's best to forget about "saving face." After all, you know the feeling when relationships with those whom you have harmed or offended lose their openness or do not add up, even if you are trying to do everything in your power to somehow justify or compensate for the consequences of your words or wrong actions.

Ultimately, you can walk away without making a sincere and meaningful apology, you can stop contacting the people you offended and try to forget about your mistake, but there is always a chance that the “skeleton falls out of the closet” sometime in the future and at the most inopportune moment.

And yet, probably, you would not be interested in this article if, deep down in your soul, you did not admit your mistakes and your guilt. That is, I want to say that if you prefer to "get out of the situation nicely" instead of apologizing, you can not read further, because the article is intended only for those who sincerely regret their words and deeds and want to master the art of "ask forgiveness."

However, if you're feeling awkward right now and don't know where to start, don't worry! Asking for forgiveness is a skill that can be learned, it is a noble act and an essential part of being able to communicate.

Why do you need to apologize?

Remember that sincere and meaningful apologies help build and maintain healthy relationships. Right Request Forgiveness works in many ways:

• restores trust.
• prevents possible deterioration of relations.
• can "push" relations from the "dead center" and serve as the beginning of their renewal.
• removes the awkwardness between the parties. After all, you know this terrible feeling - not knowing how to look into the eyes and what to say to the one you are guilty of. Ultimately, this causes you to avoid meeting this person.
• indirectly encourages your partner, spouse, or “other party” to admit their mistake as well.
• allows the “other side” to accept you for who you are and treat you well with all your flaws and imperfections.

And there are so many other benefits...

What is the potential outcome of an apology?

I have to say that the consequences of your admission of guilt can be negative. Especially if your mistake becomes known only at the time of admission of guilt. Everything can end up with you being punished, the relationship will be spoiled and you will have to "pay" a certain price in emotional, spiritual, mental, physical or material terms. I have no doubt that you, as reasonable people, understand and are ready for such an outcome.

However, there are positives:

• clarified and ultimately improved relationships - with colleagues, friends, family or your spouse (even if you are)
• a clear conscience, potentially reducing anxiety, improving sleep, and restoring your self-esteem
• increasing your "reserve of power" for experiencing future "dramas" in relationships with other people. Also, the worry that the truth might come out, that you did something wrong and caused pain... all of this takes a huge amount of your energy, which can be put to better use.

What do you need to apologize for?

Maybe what will be written now is taken for granted, but I will still write about something for which you must definitely ask for forgiveness. Oddly enough, not everyone knows what their words and actions can make others suffer.

You should apologize for any of the following (I don't rank by severity):

• there was a misunderstanding because you misunderstood something because you didn't know all the facts
• you made assumptions, but did not bother to check their correctness
• you deliberately harmed another person so that he "felt in his own skin"
• you were just being selfish
• you broke a promise
• in your conclusions and judgments, you were based on rumors and. Gossip hurts other people and greatly undermines your self-esteem
• you just insulted someone - at home, at work, on the street

A combination of all of the above is also possible.

Another reason you may have hurt other people is that you were “out of your mind” in recent times. Don't even think of using this as an excuse, but it could be an explanation for your insensitivity towards other people. When you feel empty, grief, stress, depression, your ability to think about others can be greatly reduced. Although that doesn't relieve you of the need to apologize.

How to say "I'm sorry"?

You may feel awkward and timid before you are about to apologize. This is fine. That's the way it should be. If you do not experience such emotions, then you are not ready to apologize and have not realized your guilt, and in this case your insincerity will not go unnoticed. It will seep into your behavior, your voice, choice of words, and body language. Perhaps you will consciously or unconsciously “replay”, which will ultimately reduce the significance of your apology, if not immediately, then after a while, when the conversation is over and the person to whom you apologized will “digest” this event.

Under any circumstances, you should try to ask for forgiveness as soon as possible, but you should not act impulsively, so you should consider the following and make a plan:

1. Try to really understand what your mistake is, how it is perceived by the “other side”. You may need to do some deep analysis. Only by putting yourself in the place of the person offended by you, you can understand how he is going through after what you did.

2. Decide when you are going to do it.

3. Decide how you will apologize

• by phone
• by email
• via SMS
• in a letter
• personally

Apology "face-to-face" or "in absentia"?

In principle, any option can be acceptable under various conditions and circumstances, so let's look at everything in more detail. I want you to be as successful as possible in this business and to improve your relationships, increase your reputation and earn respect as much as possible.

"Sorry" via SMS

Forget about it! The only time you can use a text message is if you're running late for an appointment! ALL!!!

Ask for forgiveness by email

This option is acceptable only if you do not know the person personally. For example, there was a minor misunderstanding with a supplier or with a colleague working in another city, whom you know only by correspondence via e-mail.

Apologize in a handwritten letter or card

Yes, a written apology is a potentially reasonable way. I often advise my clients to write a handwritten letter to their partner or spouse, especially if you think they are unlikely to give you a chance to speak in person.

Writing a letter is also a good idea if, for example, you want to publicly apologize to a group of people.

Before you start writing, you need to carefully consider each word and it will take you more than one day. After you finish writing the letter, reread it several times, and try to imagine the reader in different moods: anger, sadness or happiness, and, accordingly, his reaction. In your view, it should be adequate for any mood of the reader. If this does not work, make changes to the text.

Before you send (give) a letter, read it again to eliminate "blank spots" and inaccuracies, and to prevent misunderstanding of what you have written as much as you can.

Below is an example of an apology letter. You can use this pattern as a guide only and adapt it to your needs and style. You can change gender (he/she) and number (singular/plural) as appropriate.

The example is quite general and is a very rough template, the purpose of which is to give you direction, but no more.

It is very important that the letter shows that it was not copied from somewhere, but that it was you who wrote it!

Try to find a reasonable balance between demonstrating that what you write is the result of your work and the significance of the letter for the person to whom it is addressed. In no case do not use words and expressions that are not typical for you.

Sample letter of apology

Dear/Dear/Beloved…

I am writing to express my deep regret and sincere apologies for my [rash/rude/low/mean/stupid] act

(AND/OR)

for my [actions/behavior/words/ignorance/mistake/failure]

I [understood/deeply realized] that it was very wrong of me to [lash out/attack/argue/ignore/nag/blame/insult]

(AND/OR)

I understand that my [behaviour/words/statement/silence/inaction] was completely inappropriate, inexcusable and disrespectful.

I can only imagine the [pain/frustration/embarrassment/embarrassment] that

and the damage I have done [to our relationship/your reputation/your chances/your trust in me (the main thing here is not to get carried away and start talking about yourself!)]

I hope that you will give me the opportunity to apologize just now [in person/in front of everyone].

(AND/OR)

I would appreciate the opportunity to correct my mistake and convince you how well I understand what I really did.

Of course, I am aware that I may have done irreparable damage and may not be again.

(OR)

I understand that I can never

With [respect/love], …

Ask for forgiveness over the phone

This option is only available if you are so far away that you cannot apologize in person or in writing within a reasonable amount of time.

Here are 10 tips to help you gracefully and meaningfully apologize.

Remember that the most the best option is a face-to-face apology.

1. Take courage by reminding yourself of how you "survived" other "difficult conversations" or similar situations in the past.

2. By offering an apology in person, you can back it up. a small gift, which will give your words more meaning. A bottle of wine, flowers, a ticket to an event, a box of chocolates, etc. add energy to your apology.

3. Make sure you choose right time for an apology. A person should be able to listen to you anywhere slowly and without being distracted. If he is busy, you have no right to demand his attention. Your apology is your problem!

4. Take the time to convey to the person your deep understanding of the mistake made. So that he does not have any doubts that you are fully aware of what exactly you did, what consequences it led to and what emotional experiences it cost him.

5. Take full responsibility for your role in the situation.

6. Ask for forgiveness unconditionally by saying something like, “Now I [understand/see] that my actions caused (what you understand) and I sincerely regret it. I know that by [saying/doing/etc.] (tell me about your words and actions), I [destroyed/damaged/spoiled] [your reputation/our relationship/your trust, etc.]. ]".

7. Ask what you can do to help your partner/spouse/colleague/"other side" correct, compensate, or mitigate the consequences of your action.

8. As already mentioned, you can back up your apology with a small gift - concert tickets, candy, a bottle of wine, etc. Here it is necessary to make some clarifications. A gift is just a symbol, so it should not be expensive, so as not to put a person in an awkward position, and the presentation of the gift itself should be appropriate. Think about what it will look like. Perhaps it shouldn't be given. If you decide to give a gift, do so only after you have finished saying everything you were going to say.

9. Really try to sincerely make amends and take whatever action is necessary to address the underlying problem that your mistake caused. This is the most important point, because just saying "sorry", without taking real action, over time (very quickly) will return you to the status of "culprit" again. Thus, your apologies will not have positive consequences for either you or the person you are asking for forgiveness from.

10. After bringing sincere apologies, you need to be ready to calmly accept the reaction to them. This can be expressed as follows:

• the other person may need time to "digest" everything that happened
• your apology will not be accepted
• you may not be heard to the end
• the other person may take this opportunity to express their anger and pain

How to say "I'm sorry" without causing an argument and skirmish

Here's what you should avoid at all costs when making a face-to-face apology!

• Don't expect that the person offended by you will make a “return speech”. Agree that he doesn't have to do or say anything in exchange for your apology. Based on this …
• Don't burden another person with your guilt and do not ask him with a word or a look to relieve you of this feeling. You alone are responsible for overcoming your guilt.
• Don't start blame the other side. To apologize unconditionally means that you are fully responsible for your part of the problem. It may well be that the “other side” is also to blame, but to say or even hint at this is completely inappropriate.

Is it really your fault?

I just now decided to pay attention to this issue, because the main focus of this article is how and why to ask for forgiveness. However, some people feel guilty about literally everything and it seems that they are ready to apologize even for the fact that they live in this world. It is always associated with low self-esteem.

If you are "below the floor" and you have a tendency to apologize for anything, please work on your self-esteem.

Also, consider another option. Your partner, spouse or colleague may be prone to commit emotional abuse. This is not required, but I want you to consider the possibility of manipulation when the situation is presented in such a way that you feel guilty and forced to apologize for something you didn't really do.

FROM THE AUTHOR: My responses in the comments are the opinion of a private individual, and not the recommendation of a specialist. I try to answer everyone without exception, but unfortunately I do not have time to study physically long stories, analyze them, ask questions about them and then answer in detail, and I also do not have the opportunity to accompany your situations, because this requires great amount Free time, and I have very little of it.

In this regard, I kindly ask you to ask specific questions on the topic of the article, do not try to use the comments for correspondence or chat, and do not expect me to advise in the comments.

Of course, you can ignore my request (which many do), but then be prepared for the fact that I will ignore yours. This is not a matter of principle, but exclusively of time and my physical abilities. Don't be offended.

If you want to receive qualified assistance, please contact me for advice, and I will devote my time and knowledge to you with full dedication.

With respect and hope for understanding, Frederica

It happens that there is a conflict situation or misunderstanding with the client / customer. And it doesn’t even matter who is to blame for this: the client is the client, and if he is dissatisfied, he will vote with the ruble and simply never contact your company again. Moreover, he will tell everyone around how badly you treated him ... Therefore, if your company is interested in preserving good relations with visitors, customers and customers, one must be able to apologize for free, involuntary and even non-existent mistakes. The tool for this is an apology letter.

In a situation of conflict, it is necessary to smooth out as soon as possible sharp corners. One of the mandatory professional qualities of a manager working with people is the ability to anticipate an official claim, the text of which is already being briskly drawn up in the head of an angry client (it’s good if it’s addressed to an organization, but there are also OFAS, Rospotrebnadzor and other, no less pleasant, regulatory bodies), and to prevent her appearance.

An apology letter is one of the most complex letters relating to business correspondence. Firstly, it is extremely difficult to keep a balance between the desire to maintain a good relationship with the customer and the fact that your company does not “lose face”. Secondly, very often the author of an apology asks for forgiveness not for his own mistakes, but for the oversight of subordinate employees or even employees of another department. But in any case, you need to apologize.

When is an apology letter written?

Send a letter of apology to the client, if possible, without waiting for claims from him, preferably in the following cases:

- Non-fulfillment of clauses of the contract or obligations assumed.

- Violation business etiquette or incorrect behavior of employees of your company in relation to or in the presence of employees of the company of the client / customer.

— Force majeure circumstances that led to the breach of the contract. Yes, you are not responsible for a massive power outage in the city, flood or earthquake. But this must be said.

Structure of an apology letter

An apology letter is a type of business letter, so its rules and structure are not particularly different from the rules and structure of any other letter. Universal Rules writing business letters described here.

There is no need to specifically indicate in the subject line that this is an apology. Let it be neutral: "On the supply under contract No. ...", "On the signing of the certificate of completion", etc.

The text of the letter of apology is written on behalf of the head of the department or, even better, the organization. This demonstrates that management is aware of the problem and is personally committed to solving it. For the same reasons, it is better to do without the props "Performer".

The letter is printed on the letterhead of the company and registered as outgoing in the general manner.

The text of the letter can be divided into several semantic parts:

Apology

This is the first paragraph or sentence. Apologies are made only once at the beginning of the letter!

For example:

Dear Alexander Olegovich!

Due to the current situation, we would like to apologize to you for the actions of our employee…”

Explanation of reasons

In this part of the letter, you write about the reasons that led to conflict situation. You should not embellish details or, moreover, invent non-existent ones - this will not lead to anything good. It is also desirable to avoid such phrases as “there was a misunderstanding”, “a small problem”, “an accidental delay”, etc. Even if you think that the situation that has arisen is really a small misunderstanding, then you should think about the fact that this can be a big nuisance for the client.

For example:

The delivery of the products was delayed due to an error that occurred in the sales department: an incorrect product code was entered into the application due to an oversight.

Expression of regret, grief

The main thing here is not to repeat yourself and not start apologizing again. This has already been done once at the beginning of the letter, no longer needed. The purpose of this part is to make it clear to the client that an unpleasant incident is an exception to the general rule.

For example:

We are extremely sorry that you had to waste your time traveling to our office.

Message about the measures taken to solve the problem

The subtlety of this fragment of the letter of apology is that the future tense must be avoided here. The phrases “we will try to figure it out”, “the employees responsible for this situation will be punished”, “measures will be taken”, etc. Write as if it has already been done. And ideally it should be.

For example:

A conversation was held with the employees of the trading floor about the inadmissibility of incorrect behavior with visitors. With respect to Simagin P.A. a disciplinary sanction in the form of a remark was applied.

Conclusion

Here it is worth thanking the client for their understanding, patience, expressing the hope that similar situations will not be repeated in the future.

For example:

We thank you for your understanding and hope that this incident will not affect our long and fruitful cooperation.

The cases in which it is worth writing an apology letter to your partners or clients can be very different. Acting competently, you have every chance to get not a dissatisfied client with your actions, but a loyal and benevolent partner.