home › Children › Katerina Murashova - about the most painful problem of education. “They paid their son for grades, and then they found that he was taking out the pots of a paralyzed grandmother for money”

Katerina Murashova - about the most painful problem of education. “They paid their son for grades, and then they found that he was taking out the pots of a paralyzed grandmother for money”

questions: Svetlana Fomina

Ekaterina Murashova is a family and developmental psychologist, author of books on child psychology and ADHD. Her new book"Treat or Love" was recently released by the publishing house "Scooter". In an interview with Letidor, Ekaterina talks about the questions most often addressed to a child psychologist, how modern parents not be afraid of "hyperactive" children and mixed marriages, and why rumors about the optional family are greatly exaggerated.

- When and with what questions do parents most often turn to you?

Parents of children of all ages contact me - from 6 months to 18 years old (then the children leave our clinic, but sometimes “ former children”come back to me at an older age, of course, already without parents). Moreover, since I have been working in the same polyclinic for 17 years, my grown-up patients who have become parents themselves have repeatedly come to me. Usually their first question is: “Do you remember me? My mother and I were with you when I was thirteen years old ... ”- confuses me. And only then, having seen somewhere below the little one from two to five, I understand that it was just imperceptibly for me that a generational change took place.

However, according to my observations, in children it is really possible to distinguish several age periods which increase the likelihood of a family going to a psychologist.

This is, firstly, a period of around two years - the age of setting boundaries, when the child abruptly and unexpectedly for the parents ceases to "obey" them. Inexperienced parents perceive this as spoiledness, neurology, or even “he is mocking me!” and run for advice.

Next up is elementary school. At this age, children with ADHD and others come to me from among those who, for one reason or another, do not fit into the system primary education. Primary School usually comes with family problems: divorce of parents, jealousy between children, psychological trauma etc. From proper school problems: "he is not accepted in class" "she has no girlfriends" or "he does not want to study."

But the high school again gives a sharp surge of parental anxieties: “it’s as if he doesn’t need anything but a computer (hanging out with friends, music, TV), what will happen next ?!”

In addition to those already mentioned, enough common causes there are appeals - childhood fears, frequent illnesses of a child without specific diagnoses, aggressiveness in young children, parent statement“we don’t understand each other” (the age here can be very different, there were parents who “didn’t understand” already two-year-old children).

Quite often, adolescents themselves apply (much more often - girls). Their problems are conflicts with parents, with classmates, unhappy (or happy) love, sometimes questions of career guidance or the meaning of life.

We at Letidor have already addressed the topic of ADHD more than once - we have discussed both the classic ones and the connection with "", which means that such people have an increased "thirst for novelty", which can take different forms. What do you think, if a child has been diagnosed with ADHD, what should parents of such children do?

Parents of children with ADHD should:

a) to understand that their child is not sick with some kind of disease that can be cured with pills, procedures or electric current. He's not sick at all. It is a syndrome, a state, a way of functioning of it. nervous system. Sometimes (often) it can be corrected, but it will take a long time (maybe years) to correct.

b) learn to carefully separate the real manifestations of the syndrome (for example, a child cannot sit still for two hours at a concert or in a theater) from manipulation attempts (for example, a child with intact intelligence does not want to comply social norms or sit down for lessons at the "lesson" time).

c) master the available literature and choose from it those recommendations and methods for correcting the syndrome that seem acceptable to this family and (this is important!) Do not contradict each other.

d) get used to not noticing a lot and “passing past your ears” a lot (for example, the daily complaints of a teacher primary school to the fact that the child “runs and pushes during breaks” and the child’s pictorial surprise at the fact that for some reason “everything is lost” for him). If this is not learned, then adolescence the child is like a cucumber, and his parents are ready clients for the clinic of neuroses.

e) be sure to use humor, because with its help you can reduce tension in no less than eighty percent of conflict or simply annoying situations, and such situations arise around a hyperdynamic child almost every day.

f) find a suitable specialist with whom it will be possible to “just talk” from time to time about what is on this stage happens to the child and to the family as a whole. It can be a psychologist, psychoneurologist, teacher or even Social worker. The main thing for him to understand is that parents of children with ADHD need support no less (and often, according to my observations, more) than a child who, as a rule, “everything is in order, but why are they pestering me.”

- And what do today's parents lack in general?

It seems to me that today's Russian parents lack an understanding of what exactly they would like to bring up in their children. Kindness or grip? Patience or the ability to defend your interests in everything? Striving for high earnings or the primacy of the spiritual over the material? Political correctness or integrity?

Undecided within themselves, parents look for landmarks outside - in TV, the Internet, books or magazines. And, of course, they find it. But the problem is that these landmarks they found point in different directions, and it is impossible to implement opposite (and soundly reasoned) recommendations at the same time.

When my parents and I discuss this problem, I usually tell them that the world is beautiful in its diversity, there is nothing unambiguously “right” in raising children, and they should focus only on themselves. I give an example: a child can be born in a royal palace or in a Kazakh yurt in the middle of the steppe. By the age of five, the prince and the little Kazakh will have such and such (we find out which ones) specific rules and boundaries. Can you say that children are brought up correctly in the palace, but not correctly in the steppe? Not! parents answer. And vice versa? Also no! In the steppe - right for nomads, and in the palace - right for kings. There you go, I say. - No matter how sophisticated you are with your upbringing, you will still succeed somewhere between the Kazakhs and the kings, you will not outdo either one or the other in originality. And about them, we have already decided that everything is in order with them. Therefore, everything will be all right with your upbringing too, if you manage not to rush between various recommendations, but consistently rely on yourself.

- Are our parents different from parents in other countries?

It is difficult for me to judge about parents from other countries, I know little. But, judging by the literature and the stories of close acquaintances, our Russian parents are among the most caring, ready to help their children almost until retirement.

Although this is again, depending on what to compare! A couple of years ago I traveled around Uzbekistan. My peers there still speak Russian and willingly entered into a conversation with me. They told me that the average Uzbek family has 4-6 children and the task of parents is not only to marry off their daughters, but also to build a separate house for each of their sons (the parents themselves live in the house that the husband’s father built for them). Is it good or bad? I don’t know for sure, but it seems to me that in a traditional society such close connection generations is a big plus and a guarantee of sustainability, but in a mobile and dynamic society, the psychological and material dependence of children on their parents can also become a brake.

- How did you decide to write the book "Treat or Love"?

- "Treat or love" is just such a combination of favorable circumstances and pleasant meetings. I am a practical psychologist, I have been working in a children's clinic for more than 15 years and for three years I have been talking on the website of the Snob club about interesting cases from your practice. During this time, of course, I have already formed my own circle of readers who have repeatedly asked: why don't you make a book out of these stories? After all, it would be:

a) convenient (everything in one place)

c) traditionally, because all sorts of "doctor's notes" have been occupying a completely rightful place in our literature since the 19th century.

Being a fatalist, I answered something like this: if something is destined to be, circumstances will adjust. And so it happened. The small but wonderful Moscow publishing house Samokat, which publishes books for children, teenagers and their parents, is interested in these stories. And so the book “Treat or Love” turned out. Of course, not all of my stories are included in it, and if the book turns out to be necessary and readers like it, then it will have a sequel.

- What do you think about mixed marriages when spouses are from different countries?

The world is not as big as before. Distances are easily covered by planes and internet connections. Differences are leveled out. Traditions often take on a carnival tinge, and traditional communities use their idiosyncrasies to entertain tourists. It seems to me that in modern world interpenetration of cultures, individual differences of people in terms of module already overlap intercultural ones. If people really want to, they will agree, regardless of what culture someone grew up in. My practical experience as a family psychologist confirms this - often interethnic marriages turn out to be even stronger than the marriage of people of the same nationality who grew up in the same yard and studied at the same school.

Maybe the point here is that when people from different cultures, they are aware of the existence of the “other” problem in advance and are preparing to seek compromises. Russians and Slavs in general are historically not very isolated cultures, and very well (better than many other nations) are able to adapt to the most different customs and circumstances. I have never seen a case where a marriage, a family broke up with the wording: “the thing is that he (a) is Russian and therefore we were unable to find a common language ...”

- What is a family in Russia today?

It seems to me that the family in Russia today is still a community of equals. The stable traditional family hierarchy is a thing of the past, although separate families may well be arranged according to a patriarchal pattern. The composition of the family can be any, and society's tolerance for family variations increases exponentially. An extended family with grandmothers and aunts, a mother or even a single father, a sister with a child living with her brother, a family in which its members live in different cities or on different continents - all this is quite accepted by society today.

Of the negative trends, I would note the desire of today's young people (both girls and boys equally) to "not strain" to build family relations. Everything should turn out as if by itself, but change yourself and look for compromises ... Is it necessary? In means mass media often talk about the crisis of the family, even about its optionality for modern man. It seems to me that such a formulation of the question is fundamentally wrong. Yes, the family is evolving. Yes, the economic independence of modern man has increased significantly. But it is still better for children to grow up in a family where they can observe and try on themselves. different models behavior, experience different love and different requirements, at the time of growing up to see yourself different eyes and get different advice. To eat the sweet candy of non-loneliness in this world, to find your "soul mate", you have to try.

Ekaterina Murashova has been working as a family psychologist for more than 25 years, taking children and their parents in one of the children's clinics in St. Petersburg. In addition, she writes adventure and non-fiction books (Correction Class, Mattress Children and Disaster Children, Love or Nurture, We All Come from Childhood) and maintains a popular blog on the Snob website. . In an interview with Anews.com, the psychologist told what problems people come to her with modern families why today's children - " dull creatures”, and what exactly should be avoided when raising a child.

“The Soviet family had lower expectations, children were not seen as a project”

You work a lot with children and their parents as a psychologist. The most common problems that patients come to you with - what are they, what are they connected with?

The most common today are the same as yesterday and the day before yesterday. A discrepancy between expectations and reality .... Let's just say that the children do not meet the expectations of their parents: “I thought she would study well, but she studies poorly”, “I thought it would bright joy, and she brings me to a rabid”, “I so dreamed of a child, I thought she would become my friend and we would be “friends passionately”, but she doesn’t tell me anything”, “I thought he would, like me, do hockey, but he generally refuses to go somewhere, ”and so on.

- It turns out that over time the problems do not change at all?

Dominant - no. That is, to say that 25 years ago, when I started working, some other problems prevailed, no, there is no such thing. Naturally, time runs. When I started working, no one came to me with computer addiction due to lack of computers.

- If we consider modern family and the Soviet and their problems ...

At Soviet family expectations were much lower. Children were not considered as a project. Children were seen as a natural extension. If they brought joy - good, if they didn't - well, okay. No one thought of the idea of raising children. Some individual families, perhaps, thought, but there was no mass phenomenon to raise children. Children went to some circles, if they had to pay for them and their parents could, then they paid for them. But most of it was free. Parents did not even always know what clubs their children went to.

Today there is a kind of race between parents. "How? Your child does not take integrals yet, he is already four years old! Where are you looking?" The mother comes home, begins to burst into tears, searches the Internet for someone who would teach her children to take integrals ...

“Until 10-11, the child has no problems of his own”

Child psychologist– who needs it more today: the children themselves or the parents who often initiate the referral to a specialist?

Only parents! The fact is that my firm conviction (not even all my colleagues will agree with me), however, I believe that before the age of 10-11, a child does not have his own problems. He only has family problems. That is, any psychological problem that exists in a child up to 10-11 years old, it concerns the family. Accordingly, it is not isolated. And to do something specifically with the child, without touching the family, is almost impossible.

After the age of 11 - yes, when a child enters adolescence, he may have his own problems, his problems as a person. They may be related to social contacts, with his relationships somewhere outside the family. And before that, it is always a problem that is solved (if it is solved) through the family.

“The first existential crisis forms the question: “Mom, are you going to die?”

In your articles you mention age crises faced by children. Do all children experience them? Do I need to explain to the child what it is?

Yes, of course, all children, moreover, all adults are experiencing age-related crises. That is, we have stable periods development... This has nothing to do with childhood, it has to do with ontogeny. Ontogeny is from conception to death. So, everyone is going through all the necessary crises.

You need to tell your child about this! I would it in high school, in the senior classes I would simply teach. How does it work? What crises await you next? You see, some people, let's say, about an existential crisis - forty years, middle life - they write about it, they talk about it.

But about what you yourself had and, accordingly, your child had, somewhere between 4-6 years old - the first existential crisis that forms the question “mom, will you die?”, they don’t talk about it at all . And there is a very high chance that a person will dismiss his child at this moment, and, in fact, an unresolved crisis then has very serious consequences. So I would just teach this as a separate two-month course in high school, say, "Predictable Crises of Human Life."

“Modern children are terribly dull creatures. They are ready to present what they are being forced into"

Is there something that parents are embarrassed to talk to a psychologist about and try to hide? What are the children afraid of?

Most ordinary children do not want to talk to a psychologist at all, especially teenagers, and this is normal. Modern children- terribly sad creatures. They come and begin to show, at the slightest request, the knowledge, tutorials, developmental tools that their parents stuffed into them ... It's terribly boring, especially since everyone presents the same knowledge.

I remember one time (they all apparently read the same encyclopedia about dinosaurs) they all came and tried to tell me what dinosaurs are. At some point, I said to another boy very unpedagogically: “You know, if you start listing dinosaurs for me now, I will squeal!” Because it's just impossible...

That is, the children are ready to present what they are fed. Rare teenagers are capable of talking about themselves, about something important. As for adults, it depends on, let's say, the internal locus of control and the external one. People are divided into two equal halves. Some say - I'm bad, I don't see something. And others say - this is a teacher or friends, but he himself is good, kind. It's all passed down from parents to children.

If parents tend to blame the political system, teachers, school curriculum, then the child copies them.

"No specialist understands the child better than the mother"

How can parents understand that they cannot cope with the problem on their own and it is time to seek help from a specialist?

First, duration. If the problem continues and continues. Suppose you have already transferred your child to a second school or a third kindergarten, but the same situation is repeated. For example, he cannot find contact, or vice versa, he is superficially sociable and does not build relationships, or the same conflicts with teachers, with adults. The repetition of events means that we have a problem in which we must at least understand what is at stake. Here you need to consult with someone.

Duration means a long time. Let's just say that my child is hysterical, hysterical, well, everyone was somehow hysterical at the age of two, but he is already four and still he falls to the floor. Probably, here we should already try to understand what is happening.

I believe that no specialist knows, does not understand the child better than a man who is with him throughout his life, that is, the mother. If the mother feels anxiety, it seems that everyone says - “this is usually, this is age-related” - and the mother feels that something is wrong, at this moment you need to go. Trusting your feelings is the right thing to do.

“Such parents should be immediately sent out the door”

- With whom is it more difficult for you to work: with a kindergartener or with a teenager?

You know, I don't work with kindergartners as such. I have such an ideology - they play with toys, I watch what they do. The most difficult thing is with parents who came in advance for confirmation of something. Not only is it difficult to work with them, it is impossible to work with them. In principle, they should be sent right out the door. But I somehow... Professional ethics, I don't do that, but, in general, they can be right out the door.

"There is no right parenting"

Is there a clear distinction between “correct” and “wrong” upbringing in the minds of people today?

If someone exists, then he is wrong to such an extent! Proper upbringing does not exist! The world is so diverse... We are not now within the framework of any tradition. We don't represent ourselves traditional society where "how" was known. And the variations themselves that the world offers us - to feed the child by the hour, to feed when necessary; put the child to sleep with you, put separately; play with him all the time, not play at all; take him with you, leave him…. And I'm just promoting the point of view that there is nothing right, there are some reasonable things, but their variability is such that it is quite difficult to go beyond them.

A person who has a very clear system of beliefs, for example, he knows for sure that you need to raise children according to Dr. Spock (famous American pediatrician, author of the book "The Child and Care for Him" - ed.) he doesn't come to me. What for? He has a book "Classics" where everything is written. If the book is disheveled and the dog ate it, you can look it up on the Internet. Just those people come who are looking for their own, who understand that somehow you need to think for yourself, but do not really understand what to start from.

“We lie with feelings, we lie with words, deeds. This is bad"

What common parenting practices are the most dangerous? What do parents absolutely need to give up so as not to lose the child's trust and contact with him?

There is only one principle, it is absolutely universal. You should try to lie to the child as little as possible. Moreover, to lie with words, feelings, lie with actions, we are different ways and notice, I did not say - do not lie at all! It is impossible not to lie at all - we are living people. You should try to lie as little as possible. Consciously. That is, you understand, when a mother shouts to a child in a zoo who is climbing somewhere: “If you don’t stop doing this now, I will never go to the zoo with you at all!”. Do you understand that this is a lie?

When a mother says to a child: “Oh, this is Aunt Sveta calling, tell me that I'm not at home” ... We lie with feelings, we lie with words, deeds. This is bad. It shakes relationships. The less it is, the better the relationship will be, the more baby will respect their parents.

“They paid their son for grades, and then they found that he was taking out the pots of a paralyzed grandmother for money”

What do you think about such a popular technique as financial stimulation of a child: if you graduate from school with an A, keep your iPhone?

This method usually does not work. That is, it works for a while, but then stops. We must be aware that by doing this, you give the child carte blanche: it is quite possible to buy something within the family for money. This is your signal. For a long time people came to me who once sold grades and forgot about it, and then, to their colossal horror, they discovered that their grown-up son was taking out the pots of a paralyzed grandmother for money. And somehow you can’t blame the boy for this at all ...

Last year, a big scandal erupted in Moscow School No. 57: one of the teachers was accused of intimate relationships with the students. How do you assess this situation? What advice would you give to parents who are suddenly aware that this can happen in schools, and to teenagers who may experience similar things?

It's such a multi-factorial, strange thing that I'm not at all… far from it. But here's what struck me. At some point, someone sent me links, I read a story about how these guys were at some teacher's dacha, completely drunk. And then there this teacher either patted someone on the ass, or didn’t pat, or slept with someone, or didn’t sleep. I was left completely bewildered and didn’t understand at all why it was discussed whether the teacher slept with someone, whether he slapped someone on the ass, and it was not discussed at all that the children at the teacher in the country drank with him.

What to advise parents? Well, I don't know... Sit down and cry. What could be their actions? If they came to the conclusion that this can happen in any school, and did not teach the child to distinguish good from evil ... Probably sit down and cry.

You know, I remember very well our first port wine in the alley, I perfectly remember our interactions, including falling in love with teachers and even our teacher's interest in our boys. But the system itself meant that it would be separate. That is, we, the students, will drink port wine separately in the gateway, and some amorous, semi-platonic things will be separate.

"Teenagers are vulnerable, disgusting, they annoy everyone and walk on the edge"

Some time ago in the media with new force began to discuss the topic of teenage suicide. Do you think this problem is getting worse? Are there any ways to deal with this phenomenon?

No, it doesn't. It becomes more "fried". She is being prepared. And, by the way, the only sensible statement about this 57th school is not how it was there, it's awry, but the way it is prepared is disgusting!

But the problem was, is and will be. Because teenagers are very vulnerable physically, existentially. They are disgusting, they annoy everyone, they annoy themselves first. They walk on the edge. And, thank God, most of this region passes, and enters adulthood. But someone breaks off this edge - it has always been like that. And the more complex the society, the higher its information transparency, its saturation, the higher the risks. And we can't do anything about it. We cannot make it as wooden as it was once traditional. We can't play back.

And today, from any extraordinary event - "the teacher slept with the student, the girls jumped from somewhere" - they make a fried pan. It's disgusting.

There was such a story in the Middle Ages. In one city, an epidemic of girl suicides began. Very young girls who had not yet married committed suicide, and before that very young girls got married, so they were teenagers. They ended up with themselves in different ways, then everyone wept and the girl was buried in a white dress, and even the coffin was carried around the city, strewn with white flowers. And then there were few spectacles: executions, funerals, weddings ... And it turned into an epidemic. And the mayor of the city solved this problem - he forbade them to be buried like this, to wear them around the city, to wear white dresses and announced this officially. And the suicides stopped. Teenagers - what can you take from them! it historical fact. Somewhere in the chronicles.

“You can be anyone, but by the age of four your child will acquire at least some kind of worldview”

AT last years many laws are adopted, designed, according to the official version, to protect children from dangerous influence and "harmful information". How do you rate these steps? And what can a parent who is concerned about these things do for their children?

I believe that children should be protected from some negative impact. True, I'm not sure that the state should do this in the current situation. Still, our state is quite secular, we are not some kind of religious republic. Children need to be protected, that's true. But the choice of what and how to do it is the focus in the current situation - at the present stage of the development of civilization - a family, maybe a school ... The state is trying something, but I don't think it's effective.

And to parents, I usually say: you can be anything, but by the age of four, your child will acquire at least some kind of worldview.

If, for example, I adhere to the Christian worldview, then I have answers to some questions. I understand what is good and what is bad. Being Orthodox Christian I tell the child how I see the world. By adolescence, a child has this - he may or may not agree with this, but he knows that there is such a system.

Therefore, advice to parents who want to teach their child to distinguish between good and evil - first learn for yourself! Be aware of who you are and how, from your point of view, the world works.

– Early development- many parents put so much effort into it that others are scared - are we too late if the child is already nine months old, and he does not go to any developmental classes, does not listen to the music of Chopin and Bach?

- We're late. In utero, of course, it was necessary to take him to classes. At nine months too late, you don't even have to try.

In principle, we can build our relationship with the child as we like. We have every right to do so. You need to proceed from this: if you like to play a lot with your child, glue cards continuously, and you see it as something so significant in your life - glue as much as you want.

If you want to be an animator - be one. Nobody is your judge.

- And if, on the contrary, you don’t particularly want to play with your child?

- Then you don't need to. Gotta look for this joint occupation which gives you pleasure.

You may be fine with your child, but sick of the cards. But I like to feed the ducks in the park. Take a loaf, go to the park in the morning and feed the ducks, watching how the flowers first grew, then the berries formed, then the leaves fell off, and the ducks first hatched, then raised the chicks. At this moment, you feel good, and the child is happy to feed the ducks.

The assertion that there is correct behavior- absolutely illegal. If we look at history in the volume of a school course, we will see a variety of ways to raise offspring.

Since now there are no traditions as such , you need to start from yourself, not from fashion, worrying that everyone has already cut Doman cards for their children and bought kinetic sand, but you don’t like cards or sand. The child does not read Doman's cards from the mother. He reads interest, sincerity. How older child, the more it reads.

- All the same, it is impossible not to think about the fact that in the end the child does not have either English or Doman's cards.

- We feed the ducks. Of course, the parent is responsible for the educational path of the child. By at least up to a certain stage. But during classes, positive things should go from parent to child. So it makes sense to look for something that causes the parent positive emotions. Those who enjoy feeding the ducks don't really care that everyone has already cut the cards.

One of the most, perhaps, painful problems today is related to the fact that modern mothers very often (before this did not exist at all) place their own unfoundness in their children. They don't know what they love - feeding ducks, cutting cards, working with kinetic sand. If a mother knows for sure that she loves to sing in chorus with her child in the morning at dawn, like two baboons, then, in fact, she has found herself.

Lots of people not found. Therefore, they give birth to a child, place themselves in its reality and interact with themselves: what else could I do for myself there?

Thus, the main task is to find oneself, and the child will adapt, as it happened in all historical periods and everywhere.

– I have come across statements that today children, who were educated a lot at home, later did not learn school curriculum, because everyone already knows, and at first they are not interested, and then they can no longer integrate into the self-educational process, since they are not used to studying. Have such situations occurred?

- Yes, we met. If you plan your child's educational itinerary so that he learns to read at age three, then you should be thinking about what you will do with him at age seven. A child does not need to be able to read at the age of three. At the age of three, he needs to solve completely different psychological problems. Nobody canceled the Lomonosov-Lavoisier law: if something is added somewhere, something will decrease somewhere. If you teach a child to read, then at the expense of something. We don't get extra stuff anywhere.

To praise or not to praise?

- Of course, praise.

- Praise: "Well done!" - or: “You have washed all these dishes very well now”?

- Praise if you like something. From myself and praise: “God, how I like your drawing. This especially pissed me off. What's this, sewing machine or a bird? Birdie? It has such an expression, I’m so high.” Do it sincerely. Without positive reinforcement, there will be no development.

- How do you feel about the idea of such praise, when we deliberately praise those qualities that we want to see in a child? For example, we want the child to draw or share his toys. And at the very moment when he suddenly suddenly shared, we say: “Vanya, you’re just like ...” - and those qualities that we need are noted.

- Time in the sandbox, when children are digging through the sand, and parents are immediately sitting in mobile phone, read social networks - not wasted? Isn't it better to go with a child to feed the ducks or talk to him about life?

- And what prevents you from sitting in the sandbox, and then go to feed the ducks, quote something to the child?

- Sometimes it seems that, now, I’m not developing the child in any way, he is there by himself in the sandbox, and here I am suffering from nonsense ...

- Come on. In general, in this life, to one degree or another, we are waiting for everything to end. You might think that we are not sitting in a sandbox. We sit like we're cute. I am only against the fact that at this time, mother, instead of studying for herself, was looking on the Internet, how else to develop the child. So that she puts self-realization in the child.

- Why is that bad?

– Because the situation is looping. There is no development vector. And there is a very big danger that she will say: “I gave you my whole life. In kinetic sand, which I did not give up, I played with you. And he will very reasonably answer: “Did I ask you?” This will happen because the child separate person, and this person at some point will surely cease to satisfy her desires.

Whether to give back

- How to give back and is it possible to give back? And in general, what to do with a child in a school atmosphere of fights.

- At school - nothing at all.

- Before?

- Yes. In school, act only in one case - if the child is tried for a scapegoat, and they succeed. Immediately grab and pull.

– To another school?

- Anywhere. First, get them out of there, then analyze with a psychologist and with yourself what happened.

- What if the child is being started, but the child does not tell us about it?

“You can't do anything, you don't know about it.

– But there are some signs by which it can be determined.

– If you have a feeling that the child is vulnerable: for example, he went to the fifth grade at new school, where the class is already well-established, and your child is by no means a leader, while the boy is very closely monitored. Ask the teacher, have a party. If he says that he has no one to invite a few months after the transition to school, go to the teacher and find out what is happening.

When it comes to bullying, not high school, the child closes as long as he hopes that he will be able to cope. At the moment when the situation becomes peak, he most often refuses to go to school. In high school, 4th, 5th, 6th grade, closing doesn't always happen. At some point, the child breaks down and talks. The older ones are completely different. But in high school, parents can hardly intervene.

To fight or not to fight at school?

- Demanding that a child fight if he does not fight is almost always unconstructive. It makes sense to talk about your position and your vision of the situation. But for this you need to have your own position and be clearly aware of it.

There are some children who do not raise their hand to hit another. Naturally, such a child must be stimulated. And vice versa, there are children who are basically aggressive. Then we are talking about curbing aggression, at least within the limits of "fight with an equal or superior."

Don't lose touch...

- Before my eyes there is a very different stories my classmates - someone's parents simply forced them to get the education they wanted. Some people let everything go by itself. How do you think it is right to build relationships with a child when there is some kind of life definition?

- You should not shift the responsibility to the child, but take it upon yourself and inform him about how you intend to behave and what can come of it. For example: “My bunny, I made a decision. I will not interfere with your choice and give you the opportunity to make it yourself. If you do something, I will support you. I can finance paid education in a certain amount. If you don't, then you join the army. Returning from the army, you are looking for yourself. I will support you no matter what."

Option two: “Bunny, we have all been doctors for five generations. Whether you like it or not, you will become a doctor. I will only pay for medical expenses. You choose to become a film actor - go ahead, bunny. If you don’t enter, the army won’t shine for you, you have a “white ticket”, you will go to work.”

- Many parents are afraid to miss the moment when they lose inner contact with the child. What are the main ones that lead to this?

- At the moment when adolescence begins, do not climb. On the contrary, quickly take two steps back with the words: “You know, bunny, I’m crawling away. I feel something went wrong. I’m waiting for you to come out, ”and leave. If this is done early, the "bunnies" get scared and come running on their own. And if you push, seek frankness, the child will close.

When contact is already lost, it remains only to wait for the end of adolescence and then try to establish an adult-adult relationship.

- A child can make mistakes and ruin a lot of things in his life.

- Yes, I agree, there is such a danger. But it is not prevented by the fact that you will climb to him, knock on the door where you are not allowed.

- And how is it prevented?

- The child's awareness of the usefulness of the parent, his non-interference and, at the same time, his readiness to provide support. It won't help 100 percent, but 80 percent yes.

One parent is wrong...

- If parents have disagreements regarding the same situation - did one scold the child for an act that the other considers normal?

- Voice your opinion. Say how you feel - that in your opinion there is no guilt. Separately, not in the presence of the child, discuss this with your spouse. The child lives in the polar world. If at home it is allowed to climb with your feet on the table, then at school you will receive the same in full. When we walk with dad, we always go to the wine glass, where dad buys himself a glass of vodka, and crackers for me. When we walk with mom, we never go into the wine glass, we feed the ducks all the time. It’s the way it is, my mother has such psychotherapy.

- During the time that you work as a psychologist, the children have changed?

- Yes. They have become more different. If, when I was a child, all twelve-year-olds were approximately the same, with approximately the same set of knowledge and skills, now the spread is many times greater. You can meet a twelve-year-old child with whom you talk like an adult. He is motivated, imagines the world as a system, sees his route, is ready to discuss. And you can meet a twelve-year-old who wants to offer a pacifier.

- Do you get the impression that children are more gadget-oriented?

– Yes, there is, of course. But this is how the world develops. We cannot say that the previous generation grew up less gadget-oriented, because there were no gadgets. No parent wants their child to go into the matrix. Well, work on it.

- But as?

- Law of Lomonosov - Lavoisier: somewhere something will be added - somewhere something will decrease. I see parents who live in real world and they are great. And I see their friends who also live in the real world, and they are cool. There is a chance.

How can I get in touch with you for a consultation? And is it possible at all?

- Can. I consult at the 47th children's clinic in St. Petersburg, nowhere else. It is very difficult to get in, because I mainly accept those who are attached to my clinic. My primate, of course, is the northwesterners who don't have any other psychologists. I ask you to write them down first.

Muscovites in this regard are completely happy people, you have psychologists, like uncut dogs, you can always find a specialist, and dragging yourself from Moscow to St. Petersburg for one consultation with a woman whose book you liked is stupidity. And how to choose a psychologist is, of course, a very serious issue for Moscow.

How to find a good psychologist for a child?

- Having decided to turn to, first of all you need to understand that until about eleven years old, all the problems of the child are considered only in the context of the family. From the idea to take somewhere four year old so that a psychologist can work with him, you can safely refuse.

After eleven, their own problems associated with interaction in society may appear, which already have a rather weak relation to the family. But for the majority, psychotherapeutic opportunities open up in another year and a half.

Where to go with family?

Now it is at the point where medicine was in the 17th century. As in medicine of that time there was no general concept of diseases, so in psychology there is no general concept of personality. That's why different psychologists will name their versions of the problem.

For each kind, a separate direction of psychology is effective. If, for example, a child was locked in a refrigerator, he sat there, almost died, now he is afraid of everything locked up - he does not stay in the toilet, does not ride the elevator, this problem is solved with the help of behavioral psychotherapy. If the problem is misunderstanding between people, inability to pronounce some things, this is a humanistic direction.

If a person is confused, does not know what to do - cognitive psychotherapy.

If he feels that something is wrong with his personality, wants to become different - this is for analysts.

Under the problem we are looking for a direction. Inside the direction, we are looking for people who say so: I do cognitive psychotherapy, I solve such and such, such and such problems.

If the psychologist’s website says: “I correct fate, solve all the problems of child-parent relationships, and also help underachieving children become successful,” this does not suit you.

- Can you understand in advance whether a good psychologist? Distinguishing a professional from a non-professional?

– Universal good psychologist- from the realm of fantasy. For example, someone who helped your friend change her life for the better may not help you. It's impossible to predict.

- It is scary to take a child to a person who may turn out to be a non-professional.

- You do not take the child. The fact of the matter is that a professional, if it is not a teenager, will work with the family. You will know what is happening. Is not game lessons, where you handed over the child and after a while discovered changes. A psychologist can talk separately with a child, although he will not talk with a four-year-old.

Apply for psychological help in recent years, it has ceased to be something unusual - the advice of psychologists is listened to, friends are advised to consult a psychologist in case of any problems. However, the work of a psychologist will be useless if those who turn to him are only ready to receive " magic pill', but they are not going to do anything. How it happens, Ekaterina Murashova tells in her book “The Comfortable World”.

Readers of my columns and books often say (or write): how cleverly you unravel all sorts of complex psychological cases, and how easily and smoothly everything turns out for you!

The range of feelings with which this is said (written) is diverse: from sincere admiration (there are professionals!) to completely frank distrust (the psychologist is probably lying, but he will never admit it!).

When the remark is not rhetorical and implies my answer, I diligently and monotonously answer that I, of course, choose the brightest and most revealing cases for my column (books), and besides, I always compile each story from several:

to comply with ethical standards;
to make it more interesting to read.

In itself, the everyday work of a psychologist is much less bright and interesting, and there are much more failures in it than is obtained in the journalistic-literary version of its description.

But still, the amount of these remarks and surprises is such that it seemed to me useful and informative for my regular readers to describe a typical unsuccessful day for a psychologist.

Moreover, we will deliberately go here not about bright, complex cases in which the psychologist has not been able to figure it out (I regularly describe this), and not about extremely difficult cases, when nothing really can help (I also wrote about this more than once ), - this is exactly the routine, everything is quite simple and understandable, but, alas, to me, failure after failure.

So, a typical bad day practical psychologist, that is, me. Evening reception, four families.

Pedagogical neglect or ...

The first person to arrive by appointment is a woman with a girl who is less than five years old. The family is assigned to our clinic. The girl says almost nothing - separate words plus waves her arms. Seems to understand instructions. Obviously developmental delay, but of what nature?

“I don’t know how to communicate with her,” the mother complains. She doesn't listen. You speak to her, you speak, and at least she henna. The lore told me to go to you.

- Okay, let's talk about it. But first, give me your card, I say.

Mother hands me a notebook, in which ten pages are written on the strength.

Where is the main card? I need to know how the girl developed, the verdicts of neurologists in the first year, subsequent ...

- And she's at home, I didn't take it.

- Bad, but okay. Then tell us yourself: pregnancy, childbirth, the first year of life, how you slept, ate, when the cooing appeared, the first words ...

“We had adenoids removed,” the mother says after thinking. - Oh, and we suffered! And you also know how difficult it is to collect all the tests! We came to the clinic one day...

Fifteen minutes of vain attempts to find out something on the merits of the case.

— How do you play with your daughter?

Yes, she is playing. She doesn't need anyone...

The girl, meanwhile, is arranging the dishes, trying to imitate food and drink.

- She needs, you see, these are the elements role play. But what do you guys actually do together?

- We go to the store ... I sometimes roll the ball with her.

For another half an hour I try to explain to my mother how and what could be done.

- I single mother, - she finally says importantly and with some resentment. “All by yourself, do you understand that? I don’t have time for this, I treat her all the time, that’s when the adenoids were removed, you know ... I thought you would tell me how to make her obey me, and you ... well, all the best to you, let's go ...

Gone. I still didn’t understand even the main thing: does the girl have a real violation or pedagogical neglect?

"Five" for raising a child

Next comes a woman from the self-supporting department - she came from the other side of the city, brought her thirteen-year-old son. Well-groomed, taut. He smiles dazzlingly.

I have read your books and articles. I really liked it. I am generally interested in psychology. It's a pleasure to meet you personally.

- Thank you for the kind words. I'm pleased too. What are you with me?

He talks for a long time about his successes in his son. He studies at the Mathematical High School. I was never fond of mathematics, but "it's a good education, an adequate team of children and parents, you understand.” With the help of tutors, he copes with the program quite well. On vacation abroad, language camps, skiing with the whole family, still fitness, also together with mom: “We were told about, you understand, you can’t miss it.”

I'm trying to talk to the guy himself: what do you like, what do you do with friends, what do you remember from the last trip? There are some formal, colorless answers, there is no time for anything, there is no TV in the family either (it's a zombie box, it's harmful for a child), one answer is clearly sincere.

What would you do if you were alone and there was nothing to do?

- Went to sleep. Or just lie down and look out the window at the sky.

Mother herself was an excellent student, "everyone in our family has a university education." Now she needs a “five” from me (according to the books, it seemed to her that I was fit for the role of an expert): well done, you are doing everything right, you raised your son well, keep up the good work, take a pie from the shelf.

I can't put it that way - the guy has dull eyes, and she herself scientifically complained in passing: we provide all the opportunities, but he has no motivation for anything. As soon as I start talking about it, they immediately leave: she is not going to change anything, she will look for confirmation of her position somewhere else.

Will do nothing anyway

The third is a nice young couple with two boys who have already visited me recently. Boundary setting and aggression were discussed in the older boy. Decided what to do and how. They cheerfully greet, sit down and ... present exactly the same problems as last time.

- So, guys, stop: did you do what we agreed on last time?

“Yes, of course we did, but nothing came of it!

- Tell us how and what exactly you did.

- We agreed, and then he took and bought him that toy in the store.

- Well, yes, but I forbade him to take sweets before dinner, and she said: nothing, one is fine.

- And I tell him: taboo is a taboo, you have to withstand it, otherwise it doesn’t work, the psychologist said, and he: well, he asked for forgiveness ...

For some time such a conversation (practically without my participation), then the mother throws up her hands: oh, I understand, we ourselves are all the same again ...

“That’s right,” I sigh.

“Oh, what are we to do?

- Yes, that's exactly the same thing that we talked about last time. Let me repeat again...

Father (angrily):

- Yes, you tell her as many times as you like, she will not do anything anyway!

- And you yourself! ..

— Break! Guys, why did you come to me?

“Yes, last time we talked so well, it’s interesting, and then we discussed it together,” both of them smile.

They clean up the toys that their sons scattered and leave. They won't do anything anyway.

They live not for joy, but for ...

Finally, a mother with a gloomy 14.5-year-old girl is brought in: we want her to be more responsible. And she can study (teachers say), and she could also help around the house, but she does nothing. Everything must be forced. The age is already such that it is time for the most, definitely. The world is cruel now, it doesn’t let anyone down, you have to try, make your way. Here we are at her age...

“More details from here,” I ask.

father from alcoholic family but got out. The mother is the eldest of three children. Parents worked, she was busy with the younger ones. I commanded, of course. The first marriage is unsuccessful, also alcohol. In a late-formed family, two strong character, converged, dispersed, but held on, got used to it. However, the feeling of a continuous battle has not gone anywhere.

“I don’t want to go home, I’m ready to go anywhere,” the girl admits. They are always dissatisfied with everything. I think they hate me.

No, they love and care so much. They don't know how to do otherwise.

She also fights younger brother(native to a man) is also already starting.

“You have learned to cooperate with each other,” I tell the adults. “Maybe you can try it with kids too?”

- Why should I cooperate with them if I feed them, and they live on everything ready? the father asks. - She lost her phone, I bought her a new one, but I might not have bought it, by the way - it’s my own fault ...

“She must understand…” echoes her mother.

- What about joy? I ask. - The joys of life? Maybe we can try as an experiment?

- You know, I have enough experiments at work.

They went into their struggle, the same gloomy, alienated. But after all, if something happens outside, they will stand back to back and, just as grumbling and snapping, will defend their own and their own to the last. A family. 19th century, critical realism.

Reception completed. It's already getting dark outside the window, I quietly drag myself home. Unlucky day. It happens.

Ekaterina Murashova

Discussion

Psychologists are not gods either. They can give advice, but magic wand They dont have. They go to them for advice, and then you need to do it yourself. Good article.

My grandson is 12 years old, aggressive towards the youngest (2 years old), does not help, does not understand that his mother is disabled, there is no half right hand. Until the age of 8, she tied his shoelaces with his teeth, you see, he can’t, he just whines, a weakling, maybe because his mother is strong. The psychiatrist says that he does not have a disease, but such a character, and what to do?

me too! Only at the end - 21st century)

Comment on the article "When a psychologist's consultation is useless: 4 stories"

Section: Study, exams (Psychologist consultations via Skype). Looking for a psychologist, urgently. but to simplify the scheme to "since some are hiding behind depression, then just in case we will not help and sympathize. The work of a psychologist: a bad day - from Ekaterina Murashova.

Discussion

Last year, my three sons were first-year students, the adaptation was difficult. Among other things, for the first time, our sons ended up at the place of study separately from each other, studied together at school, and here there are three different universities in three different sides They also had to get used to it. Now the second course, used to driving, got involved in learning processes, got acquaintances - it became much easier. Although last year there were thoughts of changing universities, transferring and all sorts of other throwing. Relief came after the 2nd session was passed.

I have a daughter in her first year at HSE. At their faculty, there are many students who transferred from other universities or from other faculties, that is, they were disappointed in their previous elections. This in our time was from the realm of fantasy, but now they are easy-going. By the way, my daughter doesn’t like it either, she is thinking about transferring or re-entering through the completion of the required exam.

Discussion

Osin Elisey, Borodina Lyubov, psychiatrists seem to be the best in this business

I would strongly suspect autism from the described. For diagnostics to the defectologist. For real help- to the family psychotherapist. Maybe one mom. And a homeopath to both. Well, if you need real progress. If nothing is changed at all family system if they are not ready and enough to observe the socially “correct” picture “we do what we can”, then a psychiatrist and defectologist.

At a remote consultation, the psychiatrist did not advise putting her in the hospital, but treating her on an outpatient basis. He himself is not anorexic. Therefore, he advised me to contact the 13th mental hospital, to the head of the department in which anorexia is treated, so that he ...

Discussion

I wouldn’t rack my brains, I called the manager. department or senior m / s and would agree on a consultation. Further on the situation. And I would have relied on the opinion of the doctor at the internal examination, i.e. preferably outpatient treatment, but if the doctor insists on a hospital, she would act in the interests of the patient, not relying on the opinion of the doctor who did not see the girl.

As for non-Muscovites - if a policy with a Moscow stamp is critical, then this is to the insurance company. By the way, ask your doctor if it is possible to treat a non-Muscovite with a non-capital stamp on the policy. If it is enough to re-register the policy, then this is to the insurance company.

ELENA NOVOSELOVA psychologist. ... I find it difficult to choose a section. About his own, about a girl's. ELENA NOVOSELOVA psychologist. Has anyone used the services of psychologist Elena Ekaterina - a well-known children's and family psychologist. ELENA NOVOSELOVA psychologist.

Discussion

She recently hosted a program on a well-known radio station. Now I don’t know, I stopped listening, because in my opinion, it’s impossible to listen to her!!! Even on the radio, even for free. Nothing. You can read the same advice in a magazine for teenage girls. She still loves sex very much. God forbid to follow her advice... There are good psychologists in Moscow. Elena Novoselova is not one of them, IMHO. Rain promotes her, that's the cost of admission.

Please consult a neuropsychologist. It is desirable that not just a consultation, but also with follow-up sessions. The fact is that I already took the child to psychologists and to a neuropsychologist. buzzwords they will say, but things are still there.

Discussion

and someone studied with Lebedeva Ekaterina Sergeevna, at the university, now they really have moved. there, for some reason, their primary course is designed not for 9 months, but for 4, and it somehow annoys me and they do it once a week - the rest, as usual, is at home. Ekaterina Sergeevna gave us the opportunity to study with a neuropsychologist with whom she collaborates (she herself does not conduct classes) Yanina Sergeevna Barinskaya. Has anyone dealt with them?

Treatment by a psychotherapist. You need to consult a psychologist. Child psychology. Is a consultation with a psychologist a one-time event or do you have to go to him regularly (I saw the figures - 20 sessions at least 1 time per week)?

Discussion

You in the subject very sensibly nastya_sh answered, and the rest too.
Here you don’t need a psychologist (and if you need it, then YOU, not the girl), but either help-remind-control, or pick it up now, and give it back to the first one in the fall.
And in general, it’s not such a problem that the girl does not collect a portfolio. The deputy director of the school told me in the 9-10th grade that I should collect a portfolio together with my son, although the boy was one of best students class with a heap of certificates from the Olympics. Now in graduate school.
So calm down, learn to mix things up with your daughter without scandals ...

When a psychologist's consultation is useless: 4 stories. I consulted with a wonderful psychologist who works in a lecotheque. Yes, it was hard and embarrassing How to build relationships with classmates. How to stop bullying at school. Story from Ekaterina Murashova.

Discussion

I use this skill regularly in my life. There are all sorts of people, someone can simply be ignored, and it is useful to crush someone in the bud. Everything depends on the circumstances. Bullying is like a scalpel for a doctor, it is neither good nor bad, just one of the levers of influence on a person. It all depends on how and when to use it.

Not in an organized manner, but personally, on her own initiative, she teased and harassed one classmate in the 6th or 7th grade. She was an upstart, and even the head teacher's son. Well, that's how I saw it at the time. And the reins fell under my tail - while we were sitting with him, I had no peace, my tongue always itched. remember me class teacher alone shamed and sanded ...

Theory is theory, and practice is practice. Saying that screaming won't help is one thing. This psychologist in worst case taught for five years, and at best he has two educations. Even if you have family history there were cases of "sperm donors" instead of "father" (but there were, otherwise you would ...

Discussion

I came up with a clever practical advice :-))
A psychologist telling parents how to yell / not yell at their children is, by definition, ineffective.
Because in practice the problem is not with the screaming/not screaming/spanking/not spanking, but psychological problems in a child (well, I don’t know why you applied, but usually hyperactivity, absent-mindedness, aggression, less often isolation, inability to build relationships in a team, etc.) + PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS IN THE PARENT, problems that, in fact, cause psychological problems in child :-)) Moreover, until the environment (parents) seriously changes, almost ANY therapy for a child is useless. After all, he “returns” to the family and everything starts again (or crawls out the other side.
Therefore, it is considered effective therapy both the child and the parent (a child by a child psychologist - a parent by an "adult") And the direction of work of an "adult" psychologist is not so much RELATIONS with this particular child as the "parent" himself :-)) This direction is PRIORITY. If you have to choose, then you have to choose it, because. "Treating" a child when you yourself do not change and do not "grow" is a waste of time and money.
PS There is such a psychologist Menneghetti, in one of his books he wrote: never take your children to psychologists, if possible, go to a psychologist yourself - it will be more beneficial for children. The opinion is very categorical, but not far from the truth :-))
PPS By the way, I thought... a 35-year-old psychologist without children and not married would probably also arouse suspicion in me, especially if she also took 100 rubles for a consultation. For me, the best "indicator" of a psychologist is personal success. Health, a strong family, talented children, big flat and a good car :-)) There are, as venereologists wrote here without syphilis, and this does not prevent them from working, but venereologists with advanced syphilis - thank you :-))

And how did you know that the psychologist does not have children of his own?

Katerina Murashova, practicing developmental psychologist:

Early development

- Early development - many parents put so much effort into it that others are scared - are we too late if the child is already nine months old, and he does not go to any developmental classes, does not listen to the music of Chopin and Bach?

- We're late. In utero, of course, it was necessary to take him to classes. At nine months too late, you don't even have to try.

If you want to be an animator - be one. Nobody is your judge.

- And if, on the contrary, you don’t particularly want to play with your child?

- Then you don't need to. You need to look for a joint activity that gives you pleasure.

The claim that there is some right behavior is completely wrong. If we look at history in the volume of a school course, we will see a variety of ways to raise offspring.

Since now there are no traditions as such , you need to start from yourself, not from fashion, worrying that everyone has already cut Doman cards for their children and bought kinetic sand, but you don’t like cards or sand. The child does not read Doman's cards from the mother. He reads interest, sincerity. The older the child, the more he reads.

- All the same, it is impossible not to think about the fact that in the end the child does not have either English or Doman's cards.

- We feed the ducks. Of course, the parent is responsible for the educational path of the child. At least up to a certain stage. But during classes, positive things should go from parent to child. Therefore, it makes sense to look for something that causes positive emotions in the parent. Those who enjoy feeding the ducks don't really care that everyone has already cut the cards.

Lots of people not found. Therefore, they give birth to a child, place themselves in its reality and interact with themselves: what else could I do for myself there?

Thus, the main task is to find oneself, and the child will adapt, as it happened in all historical periods and everywhere.

– I have come across statements that today children, who were educated a lot at home, later did not learn the school curriculum, because they already know everything, and at first they are not interested, and then they can no longer integrate into the self-educational process, because they are not used to study. Have such situations occurred?

To praise or not to praise?

- Of course, praise.

- Praise: "Well done!" - or: “You have washed all these dishes very well now”?

- Praise if you like something. From myself and praise: “God, how I like your drawing. This especially pissed me off. Is that a sewing machine or a bird? Birdie? It has such an expression, I’m so high.” Do it sincerely. Without positive reinforcement, there will be no development.

- Time in the sandbox, when children are digging through the sand, and parents are immediately sitting on a mobile phone, reading social networks - is it not wasted? Isn't it better to go with a child to feed the ducks or talk to him about life?

- And what prevents you from sitting in the sandbox, and then go to feed the ducks, quote something to the child?

- Sometimes it seems that, now, I’m not developing the child in any way, he is there by himself in the sandbox, and here I am suffering from nonsense ...

- Why is that bad?

– Because the situation is looping. There is no development vector. And there is a very big danger that she will say: “I gave you my whole life. In kinetic sand, which I did not give up, I played with you. And he will very reasonably answer: “Did I ask you?” This will happen because the child is a separate person, and this person at some point will certainly cease to satisfy her desires.

Whether to give back

- How to give back and is it possible to give back? And in general, what to do with a child in a school atmosphere of fights.

- At school - nothing at all.

- Before?

- Yes. In school, act only in one case - if the child is tried for a scapegoat, and they succeed. Immediately grab and pull.

– To another school?

- Anywhere. First, get them out of there, then analyze with a psychologist and with yourself what happened.

- What if the child is being bullied, but the child does not tell us about it?

“You can't do anything, you don't know about it.

– But there are some signs by which it can be determined.

- If you have a feeling that the child is vulnerable: for example, he went to the fifth grade in a new school, where the class is already well-established, and your child is by no means a leader, while a boy, monitor very carefully. Ask the teacher, have a party. If he says that he has no one to invite a few months after the transition to school, go to the teacher and find out what is happening.

When it comes to bullying outside of high school, the child shuts down as long as he hopes he can handle it. At the moment when the situation becomes peak, he most often refuses to go to school. In high school, 4th, 5th, 6th grade, closing doesn't always happen. At some point, the child breaks down and talks. The older ones are completely different. But in high school, parents can hardly intervene.

To fight or not to fight at school?

Don't lose touch...

- I have very different stories of my classmates before my eyes - someone's parents simply forced them to get the education they wanted. Some people let everything go by itself. How, in your opinion, is it right to build relationships with a child when some kind of life definition is going on?

- Many parents are afraid to miss the moment when they lose inner contact with the child. What are the main mistakes that lead to this?

When contact is already lost, it remains only to wait for the end of adolescence and then try to establish an adult-adult relationship.

- A child can make mistakes and ruin a lot of things in his life.

- Yes, I agree, there is such a danger. But it is not prevented by the fact that you will climb to him, knock on the door where you are not allowed.

- And how is it prevented?

- The child's awareness of the usefulness of the parent, his non-interference and, at the same time, his readiness to provide support. It won't help 100 percent, but 80 percent yes.

One parent is wrong...

- If parents have disagreements regarding the same situation - did one scold the child for an act that the other considers normal?

- During the time that you work as a psychologist, the children have changed?

- Do you get the impression that children are more gadget-oriented?

- But as?

- Law of Lomonosov - Lavoisier: somewhere something will be added - somewhere something will decrease. I see parents who live in the real world, and they are cool. And I see their friends who also live in the real world, and they are cool. There is a chance.

How can I get in touch with you for a consultation? And is it possible at all?

In this regard, Muscovites are completely happy people, you can always find a specialist with psychologists, like uncut dogs, and dragging yourself from Moscow to St. Petersburg for one consultation with a woman whose book you liked is stupidity. And how to choose a psychologist is, of course, a very serious issue for Moscow.

How to find a good psychologist for a child?

- Having decided to turn to a psychologist, first of all you need to understand that until about eleven years old, all the problems of a child are considered only in the context of the family. You can safely refuse the idea of taking a four-year-old kid somewhere so that a psychologist can work with him.

Where to go with family?

Psychology is now at the point where medicine was in the 17th century. As in medicine of that time there was no general concept of diseases, so in psychology there is no general concept of personality. Therefore, different psychologists will name their versions of the problem.

If a person is confused, does not know what to do - cognitive psychotherapy.

If he feels that something is wrong with his personality, wants to become different - this is for analysts.

Under the problem we are looking for a direction. Inside the direction, we are looking for people who say so: I do cognitive psychotherapy, I solve such and such, such and such problems.

If the psychologist’s website says: “I correct fate, solve all the problems of child-parent relationships, and also help underachieving children become successful,” this does not suit you.

- Can you understand in advance whether a good psychologist? Distinguishing a professional from a non-professional?

- A universal good psychologist - from the realm of fantasy. For example, someone who helped your friend change her life for the better may not help you. It's impossible to predict.

- It is scary to take a child to a person who may turn out to be a non-professional.

- You do not take the child. The fact of the matter is that a professional, if it is not a teenager, will work with the family. You will know what is happening. These are not play sessions where you handed over the child and after a while discovered changes. A psychologist can talk separately with a child, although he will not talk with a four-year-old.

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