Divorce and its severe psychological consequences. Psychology of men after divorce

Psychological assistance during a divorce is necessary for all parties to the process, including children. What is important here is not so much a legal assessment as a personal one, since the law cannot be changed, but the attitude towards what is happening is still possible. Therefore, it is important to understand the whole essence of divorce as a socio-psychological phenomenon and take into account all the subtleties of this period of life.

Also, the result depends on the position of a person in society and a particular social group. You can go through the stage of a psychological divorce alone, or invite a psychologist or close people who will make it possible to overcome some barriers of prohibitions and discontent.

Getting Started with Divorce Support

The psychological reasons for divorce are different, but each of them has one characteristic similarity - both spouses need help and preferably for more early stages. As a rule, divorces are divided into two types:

1. mutual consent of the spouses - when there comes a moment of tension in the relationship, both parties understand that it is impossible to save their family and will have to move on, regardless of habits and way of life. At the same time, the parties, even ready for changes in life, still experience awkwardness or even fear.
2. unilateral dissolution of marriage - and for no apparent reason for the second party, who fully trusts the spouse as before and loves him. Here it is impossible to talk about which of the spouses is more or less prone to stress and aggressive actions. Both sides are experiencing the situation in their own way, and each of them needs support.

The time that is usually taken as the moment of the start of providing support is from the beginning divorce proceedings. At the moment when one of the parties decided to terminate the family relationship, even if they were not registered, she needs help to inform the other half about her decision. This will require the support of either friends or a reliable psychotherapist.

Participants in psychological care

Women feel stronger, and they are the first to come for psychological help in a divorce. Because of their nature and temperament, they are more likely than others to become victims of their husbands, who leave no choice, cause a lot of inconvenience in order to show an imperious attitude.

Men are less sensitive, but more aggressive. That is why in disputes and quarrels they try to attack and offend, which is not recommended. Due to the contradictions of characters and a different view of the psychology of each spouse, divorces in most cases, even mutual ones, fail. Financial issues and disputes about raising children often become a "stumbling block" even in wealthy families.

A special place in the conversation should be given to psychological assistance to children, who are the main participants in manipulations and “forbidden moves”. When parents divorce, it is very important to emphasize that the reason for the divorce was not a child, but only adults. It is necessary to prove to the kids that they will always be loved and will be able to turn to any of the divorced spouses. Standing up in this matter, in the hope of hitting the opponent harder, will only hurt young children worse, and therefore should by no means become a progressive trend.

Well, and, of course, a psychologist. The main areas of psychological assistance in a divorce situation are selected by them in accordance with a specific situation and for a certain type of people. So what may be good for one may not always be good for another. Professionals can easily identify the problem and help in its quick resolution.

A little about the psychology of people who are in the process of divorce

The psychological aspects of divorce involve the division into certain stages / stages of the state of a person who is in the process of divorce, as a socio-psychological phenomenon of society.

Each of them can vary in time, in degree of completion and in the need for social or psychological support of a person.

Stage 1. Stupor situation

This stage is characterized by suddenness and a more stressful state. Divorce as a socio-psychological phenomenon leaves no one indifferent. It is very difficult to understand that since today the relationship has been terminated, and no one can return it.

At this time, you need to focus as much as possible in order to minimize the consequences. You can’t be alone, try to get out of the house and cheer up as much as possible. Do not dwell on your spouse, try to push off the situation before the onset of the second stage.

Timely psychological support can help to get out of the state of frustration and bring a person back to his usual way of life.

Stage 2. Resentment and depression

Next comes difficult period in life. A person gets angry, blames the spouse who left the family for all the troubles and tries in every possible way to put obstacles to communication between the parties. It is not easy, but you need to pull yourself together and try not to make certain mistakes, defined by psychologists as critical and erroneous:

1. do not interfere with the communication of the father with the child - a significant number of judges leave the minor child with the mother, since the psychology of children is designed for constant maternal support and love. But at the same time, the communication of children (especially boys) with their fathers should not stop for full development and proper upbringing. Turning a child on by a mother against their father, in the end, can lead to a harmful relationship with peers - boys or getting children into bad company, where they try to find their authority.
2. do not swear in front of children - this way they will look less for the reason for the divorce and less likely to stumble upon the idea that they are the very reason why mom and dad cannot get along together.
3. share property without hysterics and with understanding - psychologically, a man who has earned money for an apartment will not want to give it away out of pity for himself and for the money that was given to him with difficulty. Therefore, try to find a compromise, especially if a woman has to live alone with a child, or even with two or more.

Stage 3. Awareness of the problem and a way out of it

The socio-psychological consequences of divorce are more visible to others than directly to spouses. After a year following the breakup, people begin to realize that they now have to be alone and continue to live for the joy of the children and themselves. Do not be afraid to start a new relationship, but do not look for people who are similar to your previous partners.

The subconscious search for a person who is at least a little, but similar to the former spouse, leads to the repetition of mistakes and problems in his personal life. There is no need to look for a replacement, it is better to try to look for a spiritual companion who can support you in a difficult period and will not repeat the same mistakes.

What is Help for People Going Through the Divorce Process?

Divorce as a socio-psychological phenomenon predetermined the profession of people who are engaged in supporting people who are in the legal stage of termination of marital relations.

Such people specialize both in conducting divorce proceedings in court and in providing mediation services (a preliminary court agreement on property, children, alimony). They help people overcome the barrier of communication between themselves, and reduce the cost of legal costs.

The basics of the work of a psychologist in divorce proceedings

Help after a divorce is necessary for each participant in one way or another. In Western countries, they often practice joint trainings and classes that help people understand the essence of their situation and remain not alone in their society. The consequences of divorce are experienced quite hard, but it is important to understand that this is a passing phenomenon, and it is impossible to stop in a past life. Therefore, if for a long time you cannot calm down and get used to the idea that your life does not bring pleasure, and you cannot live without a loved one, you need to contact a professional psychoanalyst.

Adoption urgent action, such as therapy, hypnosis, massage, training and other mechanisms of influence on a person can help to study the problem in detail and try to “pull out” a person who has applied for moral support from it.

Having gone through all the stages, while enlisting the support of professionals, we can safely say that the divorce was not a big stress for its participants. The main thing to know is that this problem is not isolated, and you need to take it for granted in the course of changing events.

Family life is different for people. Not all families are able to withstand the test of strength. Many family functions are violated over time, the psychological attitudes of the spouses to preserve the marriage undergo significant changes, and life plans collapse. Therefore, in some cases, it is not only impossible, but also inappropriate to keep the marriage as a union that does not bring satisfaction to the partners. Often the only way out in such a situation is divorce.

A happy marriage, based on love and mutual understanding, of course, is good. What about divorce? Some consider it evil, while others consider it a deliverance from evil. And he is like rain: when necessary - good, in all other cases - evil, and not a little. Perhaps this metaphor captures the psychological essence of divorce most clearly. For some, this is the only way out of the current conflict situation in a family, when the presence of another person nearby causes acute irritation, even hatred, and for someone - a strong emotional and mental shock that leaves a bitter mark on the soul.

Before us is the abyss of human relations with their complexity, where the objective state is closely intertwined with the subjective, the biological with the social, the psychological with the moral and ethical, the necessary with the accidental. That is why there is reason to believe that not all divorced people understand well why their family happiness did not work out, whether a divorce was really necessary, what awaits them and their children after a divorce. It is not for nothing that divorce is often compared to an iceberg in the sea: only a small part of the complex of dramatic experiences is visible on the surface, while the bulk of them are under water - in the depths of the souls and hearts of the divorced.

Even the ancient sage Plato (V-IV centuries BC), understanding the imperfection of human marital relations and thinking about the origins of these sufferings, suggested creating a "separate community". To this end, he developed a project of a familyless state, since it is in the family that possessive instincts are cultivated. Everyone here claims everything and everyone. Husband to wife and vice versa, parents to children and vice versa, and all generations to jointly obtained or inherited property. Therefore, greed and exploitative inclinations persist in society, because they are not eliminated in its original cell - in the family.

To destroy this "citadel" of vices to the ground, Plato suggested that men and women choose their partners by lot and not for long. Otherwise, they can “grow” to each other in soul and body. Children are completely torn away from their parents and brought up all together at the expense of the state. Thus, children, having ceased to be “their own”, will cease to be strangers for every citizen and citizen, will cease to be a bone of contention in the disputes of parents.

The philosopher saw a way to deal with the torment caused by marriage and the breaking of family ties, in the elimination of this very institution. There will be no family joys, but there will be no suffering. As you can see, even the greatest minds of mankind got into a dead end when they tried to discover the secret of the universal conflict-free existence of a man and a woman.

The right to divorce has long been a subject of discussion in any society. Recognition of the right to divorce, that is, the freedom of people not only to enter into marriages, but also to dissolve them, is one of the proofs of the democratization of society. In legislation and in relation to public opinion towards divorce, towards divorced people and their children, both the socio-political system of a given country and cultural, national traditions, and social psychological features people.

Even A. Bebel in the book "Woman and Socialism" noted that the divorce figures in each country in themselves say little, they cannot be compared without knowing exactly the customs and laws of the country. So, for example, in countries where the influence of the Catholic Church, which, as you know, prohibits divorce, is strong, these figures will be significantly lower than in countries where there are fewer obstacles to divorce. However, these figures do not say anything about the true strength of marriages.

The same applies to statistics on the most common causes of divorce. In one country, divorce is carried out on the basis of the "guilty principle", that is, the court must prove the guilt of one of the spouses on the following grounds: adultery, intentional departure of one of the spouses from the family, refusal to perform marital duties, etc. In some Muslim countries it is enough for a man to publicly say three times that his current wife is no longer his wife, as the marriage is considered dissolved.

At all times and eras, the prohibition of divorce has had the most severe effect on women, aggravating their already powerless, subordinate position. The well-known French writer of the eighteenth century, Germaine de Stael, wrote: “The prohibition of divorce puts its full weight only on the victims: it tries to rivet the chains without affecting the conditions that make them soft or cruel. It seems to say: I cannot bring you happiness, but I ensure the strength of your unhappiness ... How crazy to say: there are bonds that despair cannot break! Death comes to the aid of physical suffering when there is no more strength to endure it; and public institutions make a prison out of our lives ... from which there is no way out! .. Children suffer as much as parents ... ".

Divorce - this is the dissolution of marriage, that is, the legal termination of it during the life of the spouses. Divorce is a non-normative crisis of the family, the main content of which is the state of disharmony, caused by a violation of the homeostasis of the family system, requiring the reorganization of the family as a system. Divorce is the result of a crisis in the development of a married couple's relationship.

Divorce, as a rule, is preceded by repeated attempts of the spouses to disperse. Divorce and its psychological consequences represent an urgent problem of modern Russian society. According to statistics, today every fourth marriage in Russia breaks up, and, according to research, 67% of men and 32% of women believe that divorce could have been prevented.

In modern society, divorce as a phenomenon is evaluated ambiguously. If earlier it was interpreted unambiguously negatively - as a threat to the family, today the possibility of divorce is considered as an integral component of the family system, necessary for its reorganization in cases where it is impossible to keep the family in the same composition and structure.

The increase in the number of divorces, according to researchers, is in a certain sense predetermined by the transition to a new way of marriage, when the free choice of a spouse based on a feeling of love and personal selectivity is of primary importance. The freedom to choose a partner necessarily presupposes the free dissolution of a marriage in conditions where marital relations are unsuccessful. For many young people, divorce is no longer perceived as a tragedy, but as a good opportunity to get rid of an unbearably dull and deceitful love relationship.

Divorce, unfortunately, is a serious social problem that has engulfed the whole world. Moreover, it appeared when mankind invented the first, still imperfect in legal terms, formula declaring marriage legal. Along with this, someone has already begun to think about how to destroy the legal ties between husband and wife.

The first mention of divorce is found in the code of laws of the Babylonian king Hammurabi, who lived in the 18th century BC. Almost four thousand years have passed since then. Divorce rules have changed many times. different parts world and in different historical periods, there were and continue to be different provisions on divorce. It happened that somewhere divorce was extremely difficult, but somewhere, on the contrary, it became a ridiculously simple procedure.

Of course, this could not but affect mass consciousness which has always responded to the most significant social problems. This, in our opinion, is the problem of divorce. Therefore, it is not surprising that, as before, public opinion today regards the trend towards an increase in the number of divorces differently. On the one hand, it protects the human right to personal freedom, unanimously recognizing the right to be freed from a failed or unbearable marriage. On the other hand, he condemns him as causing irreparable harm children.

Such an ambivalent attitude towards divorce in society in a certain way affected the character scientific research about this question. Some researchers consider divorce as a negative, pernicious phenomenon, a form of manifestation of family destruction, pointing out that in the mass consciousness, divorce is often associated with shame, a symptom of personal failure, with a manifestation of one's own weakness, with an inevitable break. normal relationship with children, etc.

Some researchers believe that divorce can play a positive role if it leads to a real solution to the family problem, promotes emotional balance and "moral rebirth" of the spouses. They justify this point of view on divorce by the fact that in some cases it is not only impossible, but also inappropriate to keep the marriage, because destructive relationships between parents can have a traumatic effect on the psyche of children and a desocializing effect on the formation of their personality.

The development of women's economic independence and social equality creates conditions for the dissolution of marriage in cases where the family becomes an obstacle to a woman's free self-development and self-realization. In a family with children, divorce does not mean its liquidation and the cessation of its functioning. The family keeps at least one, but the most important function is the upbringing of children. Divorced spouses cease to be husband and wife, but always remain the parents of their children.

Divorce is a very controversial social and moral phenomenon, which is defined in the family education dictionary as “a way to end a marriage during the life of the spouses.” Divorce is only the finale of a family drama, the legal registration of broken marital relations.

There are several stages in the process leading up to the final dissolution of a marriage. Everything starts with emotional divorce, which is expressed in the emergence of a feeling of alienation, indifference of the spouses to each other, in the loss of trust and love. Then comes physical divorce: spouses are already thinking about the possibility of a legal divorce, but do not consider it the only and best way out of the situation. Marital relations during this period are limited, marriage partners begin to live separately.

At trial divorce the issue is discussed openly. Spouses live separately or, if this is not possible, keep separate households. Most often, such a “trial” divorce is tried (often unconsciously) to facilitate the transition to a break in relations in a broken family. legal divorce This is the end of a long process.

In the view of many experts, divorce, forced or voluntary, no matter what external reasons it may be caused and no matter what laws it regulates, socially is not an event, but a process. This process begins when the spouses begin to view divorce as real opportunity, and ends when it comes to establishing an independent (individual for each) lifestyle.

Divorce, in the legal sense, is only part of a larger process, the first stage of which ends with the decision to divorce, and the second consists of five separate processes, which proceed for the most part in parallel. These include the emotional, legal, economic, parental, and social aspects of divorce. This process ends with the achievement of independence from the former spouse and former family At the same time, it is important to achieve the proper level of cooperation of former marriage partners in matters of material support and upbringing of children who live with one of them.

In proper divorce three phases can be distinguished:

1) contemplating and deciding on a divorce;

2) planning for the liquidation of the family system;

3) separation.

Let us dwell on the characteristics of each of the phases of divorce.

The pre-divorce stage begins with phases of reflection and decision on termination of marriage family relations as the optimal resolution option under the current conditions family crisis. Throughout it, there is an increase in the destructiveness and disharmony of the family. Confrontation of partners and quarrels become chronic. Anxiety prevails. Bad mood, a feeling of disappointment, dissatisfaction, alienation and cooling, disbelief and distrust.

A decrease in the level of subjective satisfaction with marriage, a feeling of loss of love lead to the emergence of coldness, hostility and distance in the relationship of spouses, which is an indicator of the beginning of the process of emotional divorce. In most cases, there is an asymmetry in the dynamics of emotional divorce among partners: for some, the feeling of love is preserved, for others it fades. Thinking about and making a decision about divorce by one or both spouses lasts from several days to several years and is based on their awareness of the impossibility of further existence within the family system. The confrontation with the partner acquires a purposeful character: deliberate claims and demands are expressed, and finally the question of the expediency of divorce is raised.

The message to the partner about the decision made sometimes causes shock, despair, a feeling of emptiness and chaos, the ambivalence of the experience in the other. All this constitutes a characteristic pattern of emotional experience by the rejected partner of the divorce decision. The decision to divorce is either made by the second spouse immediately, or negotiations and a “time-out” follow with a delay in making a final decision.

One of the options for a “civilized” decision to divorce is more or less long-term separation of spouses while maintaining the educational and economic functions of the family. Separation creates favorable conditions for the emotional stabilization of the spouses, their reassessment of the real state and future of the family, and the final decision on their future fate. Since the problem of divorce has been objectified, emotional divorce has become more and more conscious and takes the form of a conscious purposeful reorganization and reconstruction of emotional relations between spouses.

Planning Phase for the Elimination of the Family System begins with the final decision on divorce by one or both spouses. The negatively disturbing emotional background of the existence of the family, the high emotional tension and frustration inherent in her, pose a serious threat to a reasonable way out of the crisis. The elimination of the family system is associated with the need to change the role structure of the family, redistribute its main functions and build a new way of life. At this stage, there is:

1) emotional divorce- disillusionment in married life, feeling of dissatisfaction, psychological alienation of spouses, fear and despair, attempts to control a partner, disputes, the desire to avoid problems. It involves the emotional separation of spouses; transformation of emotional attachment to a partner;

2) physical divorce, which includes territorial separation and leads to the separation of former spouses;

3) economic divorce– conclusion of an agreement and agreements on the division of property and housing, on the forms of economic support by the former spouses of each other, on the contribution of each of them to ensuring the material well-being of children and planning, if necessary, steps to change the place and work schedule of each of the spouses;

4) social divorce represents a reorganization of relations with the extended family and a restructuring of relations with a significant social environment, a common circle of friends and colleagues. To resolve a social divorce, spouses must inform the grandparents and other members of the extended family on both sides of the decision.

The explicit rejection of the divorce by the grandparents, their condemnation and accusation of the spouses, attempts to pressure them to cancel the decision create a risk factor for the stabilization of the family after a divorce. It is necessary to work out an agreement on the forms of interaction and participation of the grandparents in the future life of both spouses after the divorce and the upbringing of children at the stage of planning the breakup of the family. Another task is to inform, as necessary, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, the administration of enterprises where the spouses work, about their decision to dissolve the marriage;

5) parental divorce involves the achievement of agreements between spouses on responsibility and specific forms of custody and participation in the upbringing of children; preparing and informing children about the upcoming divorce and new living conditions;

6) religious divorce- coordination with religious canons and obtaining permission from the confessor or hierarchs of the confession to dissolve the marriage, if one of the spouses or both are believers.

Thus, planning for the disintegration of the family system is carried out through negotiations on solving material, domestic and property problems associated with the termination of the functioning of the family as an integral system. If the emotional divorce is completed or its dynamics is positive and reflects decision about the advisability of terminating marital relations, then a constructive dialogue between the spouses is possible. If not, and the emotional relationship of the spouses is colored with a sense of resentment, anger, hostility, then the negotiations come to a standstill and take on a destructive character. Everyone seeks to hurt the other, the idea of ​​"punishing" the guilty party dominates, children become a bargaining chip in the "bargaining" of rights and privileges and are involved in the struggle as a means of pressure and blackmail on the other side.

Divorce is finalizing separation phase - termination of the spouses' joint household and cohabitation. Often, already at this phase, the physical separation of the spouses occurs - leaving for the grandparental family or for another place of residence. Even if the spouses continue to live under the same roof, there is a division of the "household", rooms, the budget ceases to be common, etc. The process of emotional divorce intensifies - there is an affective reassessment of the nature of the relationship with the partner and the partner himself, differentiation of the boundaries of "I" and "You » and establishing new rules and norms of interpersonal interaction. Even after a divorce, "We" as an integral structure is preserved, because even then the former spouses remain the parents of their children, maintaining the unity of "We as parents."

The period of divorce is associated with the legal registration of the new family status, the recognition of the termination of the former rights and obligations of the spouses in connection with the dissolution of the marriage, and the acceptance of new obligations to preserve parental functions. The duration of this period is determined by legal norms (from 2 to 5–6 months, depending on the presence of children in the family and the voluntary decision to divorce by both spouses). Divorce is not just a stamp in the passport as a procedure for legal registration of a new marital status, but also an economic gap, as well as an agreement on the participation of spouses in raising children.

If the parents do not reach mutual agreement on who the children will live with and how the realization of the right of a single parent to raise children will be ensured, the decision is made by the court. It is he who decides with which parent the children will stay, taking into account various factors:

Age and gender of parents;

Emotional attachment of children to parents and other family members;

Financial and economic conditions that each parent can provide to children (naturally, subject to the financial support of the other parent);

Opportunities for parents to implement the educational function;

The state of somatic (physical) and neuro- mental health parents and their legal status (capacity, citizenship, administrative offenses, being under investigation or in a correctional labor institution, etc.).

If necessary, a psychological examination is carried out, the conclusion of which is advisory in nature. The cornerstone of deciding who the children will stay with is child mental health and development principle. The guardianship authorities, which are entrusted with the control of its implementation, are involved in the adoption of such a decision. Often, the decision to exercise parental rights is delayed for for a long time, up to several years, and his practice is based on an analysis of the nature of the primary attachment of the child.

Usually, until adolescence, the question of who the children should stay with is decided in favor of the mother. Until a child reaches adolescence, it is not recommended to put him directly before the choice of the parent with whom he would like to live. For the sake of well-being, health and mental development child, it is highly desirable to continue the negotiation process between the parents until the conclusion voluntary agreement based on the protection of his rights and interests.

As a rule, at this stage, the process of territorial and economic separation takes place or continues, new relations are established between the former spouses.

When the divorce itself becomes a fait accompli, the former spouses will have to go through another, no less difficult - post-divorce period during which the family system is restructured and stabilized. It consists of three phases:

1) actually post-divorce (up to one year);

2) restructuring phase (2–3 years);

3) stabilization phase (2–3 years).

Each is characterized by its own tasks, duration, characteristics of emotional experiences and typical difficulties in functioning.

Metaphorically post-divorce phase can be called a "destroyed house". All family members are going through a crisis that comes after the legalization of a divorce. The family may be unable to function normally for some time. The main problem of this phase is loneliness and conflicting feelings experienced by separated spouses: indecision, optimism, regret, sadness, curiosity, excitement. The duration of this phase varies (from several months to a year) depending on family resources and social support.

The main goal of the post-divorce phase is to build a new style and lifestyle in an incomplete family. Accordingly, the tasks of family development are:

1) overcoming the emotional deficit and the lack of business cooperation that arose after the departure of one of the spouses;

2) the restoration of the economic functioning of the family, the achievement of financial and economic independence of the divorced spouse, which makes it possible to bring the level of family functioning as close as possible to the previous, “pre-divorce” level;

3) the acquisition of the necessary competence in the upbringing of children by each of the divorced spouses;

4) building a new system social relations with friends, colleagues, grandparents; reconstruction of ego-identity, that is, awareness and acceptance of oneself in the new social status of a divorced person.

Restructuring phase is a turning point in the development of relations between the former spouses. Their emotional divorce is coming to an end, which involves the transformation of the emotional connection towards a stable, benevolent or neutral attitude towards the former spouse. At the same time, sharp fluctuations in the emotional status of divorced spouses can be observed - from depression to unreasonable euphoria.

Often, the experience of rejection and emotional emptiness pushes the ex-spouse to an immediate search for a new object of affection. The feverish desire to “heal the wounds” as soon as possible and find peace of mind is a compensatory reaction of the individual to the loss and the focus on replenishing it.

There are two scenarios for the development of events. In the first case, activity is directed to the search for a partner as a substitute spouse in a love relationship. In the second, the child-parent relationship becomes the search zone for the object of affection. The parent transfers to the child all the unspent power of his love, making the child its hostage. From a psychological point of view, such a coping strategy crisis situation post-divorce is ineffective, since the final break with the former object of affection has not yet occurred.

Marriages entered into at this stage quite often also end in divorce, since the main motive here is the desire to restore ego-identity or to gain a sense of security. The partner is considered instrumentally, there is no attitude towards him as a unique and valuable person. In these cases, it is usually men who marry, since the woman remains with the child, which creates significant difficulties for her in remarriage. According to statistics, about 65% of men remarry within five years of a divorce.

The insistence of divorced spouses, including women, by all means to find a new partner, get married, create a new family reflects the desire to compensate for the loss and, on this basis, reintegrate their personal identity. To prevent hasty and unreasonable decisions to remarry, it is necessary to work on expanding the system of social and interpersonal ties of divorced spouses in order to provide emotional support, empathy and understanding.

At the same phase, the stabilization of the financial and economic situation of the family, adaptation to a new level of income and a change in the family's lifestyle in accordance with it take place.

In the sphere of parent-child relations, the restructuring phase is characterized by a change in the system of family education, taking into account the new realities of family life - the mother's employment and a decrease in the degree of father's participation in the upbringing process. Changes in family upbringing can occur in the form of increased guardianship of the child and increased moral responsibility for his current life and future fate. Often there is an increase in the requirements for the child, giving him greater independence.

Against the background of the objective expansion of the boundaries of the child's autonomy in business cooperation, there is often an increase in the emotional symbiosis of the child and the mother, who seeks to "attach" him to herself and sees in communication with him the only source of emotional support. In such cases, the mother tries to limit the child's communication with peers and his right to choose his own friends. In adolescence, this is fraught with rebellion, protest, expressed reactions of emancipation, symbolic (and sometimes real) leaving home. Often for teenagers, the divorce of parents is perceived as the collapse of the ideal of romantic love. In the case of insecure attachment, the adolescent crisis may prompt the adolescent to enter into a sexual relationship in which the partner is seen primarily as a source of security and emotional support.

The final phase of the post-divorce period is stabilization phase. At this stage, the problems of family restructuring have been successfully overcome, equal partnership relations are established between the former spouses, and their effective cooperation in raising children becomes possible. Now you can think about concluding a new marriage union - the insults of a broken marriage remain in the past, the motives for “revenge” on the former spouse lose their relevance. openness social contacts and communication, overcoming the anxiety associated with the fear of new close relationships and failures, create good starting conditions for the formation of a new harmonious family.

Unfortunately, it should be stated that remarriage is the fate of only a few divorced women. Russian statistics show inexorably that the remarriage of a divorced woman with children is the exception rather than the rule. For men, re-creating a family turns out to be an incomparably easier task. The simplicity of her decision is balanced for men by the risk of loneliness after a divorce: after all, a woman remains a single mother, and a man is just a lonely person. The psychological criterion for stabilizing a family after a divorce is the willingness of the former spouses to accept the past, acknowledge the happy moments of their marriage and express gratitude to the partner for all the good things that they had a chance to experience together.

An American psychologist, a representative of the humanistic direction A. Maslow, considers divorce as a complex process of restructuring previous family relationships and identifies seven main stages:

1) emotional divorce(collapse of illusions in married life, dissatisfaction with marriage, growing alienation, fear and despair, loss of a sense of love);

2) a time of reflection and despair before divorce(shock, pain, fear of the future, feeling of emptiness and chaos, attempts to return a partner and former relationship love);

3) legal divorce(legalization of divorce, separation, depression, suicide attempts, threats, desire to negotiate);

4) economic divorce(establishment of economic, financial, household relations in the conditions of the realities of the termination of previous marriage and family relations);

5) strike a balance between parental responsibilities and the right to custody;

6) self-exploration and establishment of a new intra-personal, interpersonal and social balance(loneliness and the search for new friends, sadness and optimism, conflicting feelings, the formation of a new lifestyle, the definition of a new range of responsibilities for family members);

7) psychological divorce marks the restoration of self-confidence, self-worth and personal autonomy, the search for new objects of love and readiness for long-term relationships.

The Czech psychotherapist S. Kratochvil, based on practical experience in providing counseling or therapeutic assistance to divorced spouses, divided divorce into three periods:

1) pre-divorce period;

2) the period of divorce;

3) post-divorce period.

The practice of counseling work with spouses who are divorcing or on the verge of divorce indicates that these three stages are most often distinguished in the relationship of marriage partners who have decided to leave.

Pre-divorce period It is characterized by the fact that the spouses have not yet come to a final decision on the dissolution of the marriage, therefore it is still possible to prevent the filing of an application for divorce or take it back if it has already been filed. In this case, perhaps the crisis is temporary and can still be overcome. Therefore, it is very important to open the prospects for meeting the needs of both spouses and achieving positive changes in the relationships and functions of the family in terms of caring for children and the consequences that divorce can cause for both spouses and especially for children.

Spouses can live in an atmosphere in which the mood for divorce prevails. The reason for this may be the effect of myths about divorce, which support behavior that promotes divorce. This refers to statements that are presented as well-known truths (despite the fact that they do not correspond to reality). Such myths supported by public opinion include statements of the following order:

"the second marriage is better than the first";

“if the marriage fails, then only a divorce can improve the situation”;

“for a child, divorce is not something exceptional, since there are many other children from single-parent families around him”;

“after the end of the divorce period, everything will fall into place for the children as well”;

"If new partner loves me, he will be happy with my children.”

If one of the partners is under the influence of these or similar myths, then it is very important to help him abandon them and eliminate their influence on decisions. However, the solution of the controversial issue of divorce during this period, among other things, depends on the intensity and duration of family conflict, on the degree and nature of the pathology of the personality of one of the parents, the features of the emotional attachment of spouses to each other and children, as well as children to their parents.

If the problems that have arisen in the family have not received a solution that suits both spouses, then they make a firm decision to dissolve the marriage and enter into divorce period. A distinctive feature of this period is the manifestation of difficultly restrained negative emotions by divorcing marriage partners.

The emotional state of the spouses is characterized by feelings of anger and sadness, fear, guilt, anger, desire for retribution. In this situation, it is very important to extinguish unwanted emotional tension, help spouses learn to restrain their emotions and direct their energy to jointly resolve specific issues related to divorce, which is the most appropriate for both parties, as well as in terms of taking into account the interests and problems of children.

Negative emotional reactions of the spouses can be countered by the desire to come to terms with the loss, a sense of self-responsibility, the development of independence and the formation of new goals. Both spouses must agree to the divorce. If the decision to divorce was made unilaterally, then the partner considers its initiator guilty, and again there is a feeling of loss, neglect, impotent rage or helplessness. The subject of disputes and contention may be questions of property division or care for children. In this situation, it is very important to unite and solve emotional problems, so that they do not affect the rational solution of issues related to the everyday side of divorce.

IN given period the solution of some legal issues is also of significant importance: the division of property, the payment of alimony, the assignment of children to one of the parents and the conclusion of an agreement on meetings with their ex-spouse. It is best to resolve these issues on the basis of mutual agreement. Spouses should realize that all their actions should be aimed at facilitating the child's transition to new living conditions so that he can maintain an emotional connection and respect for both parents, do not lose a sense of security and gradually overcome his confusion.

After the legal registration of the divorce, the former spouses enter into post-divorce period, the main purpose of which is to stabilize the situation and achieve independence for both spouses in the new living conditions. First of all, each of them needs to master the new situation that arose during the breakup of marital relations, to prevent possible neurotic and depressive reactions that tend to be fixed in these conditions.

If a woman does not have a strong extramarital relationship with the prospect of marriage just before a divorce, then, depending on her age and the presence of children, her chances of finding a partner more attractive than her former spouse are not very great or not at all. For a divorced man, despite his obligation to pay alimony, the situation is more favorable. Most divorced men do not consider marriage profitable for themselves. In their opinion, new marriage should not be an escape from loneliness and responsibility, a manifestation of the tendency to transfer the need for dependence from one person to another. The decision to enter into a new marriage should be based on an autonomous decision, on the experience of previous elections and the wrong strategy in a previous marriage.

The specific problems of the post-divorce period proper include the continuation of the conflict situation between the former spouses. This is especially facilitated Cohabitation after a divorce in the same apartment. Another important issue that arises in the post-divorce period is the regulation of meetings between children and parents who have left the family (in most cases, fathers). Such meetings should in all cases be provided, but the problem of their duration and frequency must first be resolved. At the same time, it is important to take into account two aspects of organizing these meetings: when the father can meet with the child (by agreement with the mother) and when the child wants it. This will create a situation close to the conditions of the normal functioning of the family.

At the same time, the child should not be used as an instrument of revenge on the former spouse or a means to get closer to him. It must be remembered: if the former spouse no longer has an interest in living together, except for meeting with children, one should not console oneself with the hope of his return. The main task in this period is the achievement of a new, satisfying balance in relations with the former marriage partner (endless disputes, a sense of injustice, the desire for revenge), the elimination of the possibility of generalizing negative experience and, therefore, maintaining the ability to enter into a new satisfactory marriage.

Taking into account psychological trauma, which the partner who seeks to avoid divorce receives, the following stages are distinguished:

1. Protest stage: an emotionally traumatized partner increases his activity to avoid divorce. However, at the same time, he often acts chaotically and indiscriminately, thereby worsening his already unenviable position.

2. Stage of desperation: the defending side feels that the situation is no longer in control and becomes depressed, sometimes it comes to self-accusations.

3. stage of denial: the abandoned spouse hardens and comes to the conclusion that it is not worth keeping the marriage with such an unsuitable person.

4. The stage of reconciliation with the situation: a partner traumatized by divorce is already getting rid of the feeling of injustice and sees the situation more realistically.

Close to this is the classification of the stages of the divorce process based on the dynamics of experiences. Within the framework of this approach, the following stages of divorce are distinguished.

1. Situation of denial. Initially, the reality of what happened is denied. Usually a person spends a lot of time, energy and feelings on intimate relationships, so it is difficult for him to immediately come to terms with a divorce. At this stage, the situation of divorce is perceived with pronounced protection, through the rationalization mechanism, marital relations are devalued: “Nothing like this happened”, “Everything is fine”, “Finally, liberation has come”, etc.

2. The stage of anger. At this stage from heartache defended by aggression towards a partner. They often manipulate children, trying to win them over to their side.

3. Negotiation stage. This is the most difficult stage. Attempts are being made to restore the family union, many manipulations are used in relation to each other, including sexual relations, pregnancy. Sometimes they resort to pressure on a partner from others.

4. stage of depression. The depressed mood occurs when denial, pronounced aggressiveness in the form of threats and negotiations do not bring the desired result. A person feels like a failure, self-esteem drops sharply, he begins to shun other people, not to trust them. Often experienced during a divorce, the feeling of rejection and depression for quite a long time prevents starting a new intimate relationship.

5. adaptation stage. Adjusting to the life conditions that have changed after the dissolution of a marriage is associated with a range of problems - from financial to child care. In resolving these and a number of other problems of the post-divorce period, an important place is occupied by the ability to live without a spouse and overcome psychological and social loneliness. A certain break in social relations is inevitable - one (one) has to get used to going to concerts, visiting, etc.

In cases where the situation is symmetrical, that is, both marriage partners agree with the divorce and consider it a positive decision, these stages are naturally absent.

Like any other socio-psychological phenomenon, divorces are usually associated with objective and subjective reasons. Some sociologists believe that the main conditions that predetermine divorce are the urbanization of lifestyle, the migration of the population, the industrialization of the country, and the emancipation of women. All these factors reduce the level of social control, making people's lives largely anonymous, which in some circumstances creates a lack of responsibility, stable attachment, and mutual concern for each other. But these are only some conditions, only the background. Under such conditions, strong families and temporary (trial), disintegrating families can simultaneously exist and be created. marriage unions. In addition to these conditions, each divorce has its own grounds, main and concomitant causes and motives.

Under motive for divorce understands the justification for the decision that the needs of marriage cannot be satisfied in this marital union. Psychological research divorce motives give grounds to talk about their fairly stable hierarchy. According to the research data of S. V. Chuiko, under the conditions big city Reasons for divorce can be arranged in the following order:

1) drunkenness and alcoholism of one of the spouses;

2) dissimilarity of characters and lack of mutual understanding;

3) treason or suspicion of treason;

4) frequent quarrels;

5) the appearance of another family;

6) loss of feeling of love;

7) physical incompatibility;

8) jealousy;

9) interference in family relations of parents or other relatives;

10) illness of one of the spouses;

11) fictitious marriage;

12) irresponsible attitude of the spouses to the family and family responsibilities;

13) forced separation of spouses;

14) the absence of children or the unwillingness of one of the spouses to have them.

Frequently used motives give spouses the opportunity to get away from explaining the reasons (inconsistency of characters, bad living conditions). While the motives for dissolution of a marriage usually lie on the surface and are therefore easily “voiced” by marriage partners, their reasons are most often hidden in the depths of the consciousness of each of them, and even to themselves they are not always able to admit that the chosen one ceases to satisfy them in psychological plan.

Former spouses justify the decision to dissolve the marriage in different ways. As evidenced by divorce statistics, the motive for “violating adultery» nominated by 51% of men and only 28% of women. This confirms the well-known observation that men are much more categorical about the fact of female infidelity; 44.6% of women and only 10.6% of men name the spouse's drunkenness as the reason for divorce.

Psychologically, divorce represents a change in the balance of power that sustains a marriage. Supporting factors include moral and psychological and partly economic interest in each other, personal satisfaction with marriage and family relations, as well as social norms, values, sanctions. The factors that destroy marriage are the manifestation of mutual discontent and hostility, antipathy, irritation, hatred. External factors also stimulate the development and aggravation of intra-family conflicts (trouble at work, contradictions with relatives and neighbors, adulterous relations), which can serve as a pretext (motive) for breaking marriage ties.

Despite significant socio-economic changes in Russian society in recent years, little has changed in the causes and motives for divorce. For example, many modern men in most cases, they try to motivate their “flight from the family ship” with fatigue from the monotony of modern life with the same woman. At the same time, they often say that “marriage ties deprive them of personal sovereignty and the right to creative self-expression, and disgusted wives do not understand the full depth and versatility of their subtle, vulnerable nature.”

As for women, they explain their unwillingness to save the marriage:

1) unrestrained drunkenness of the husband;

2) low material security and difficult living conditions of the family;

3) "dissimilarity of characters."

The difference is obvious: a woman will never leave her husband, even if he is unloved and inferior, especially to “nowhere”, if he is not an alcoholic, not a bum and not a sadist.

motive- This is mainly a subjective, often far-fetched reason that spouses put forward when dissolving a marriage. It is determined by the personal attitude of each of them to marital relations, to their family responsibilities and to the way of living together. At the same time, this kind of motives are not unfounded: very often they are associated with objective life reasons, which for some reason a person could not or did not want to cope with, which ultimately led to family destruction, the elimination of which one or both marriage partners see in parting, that is, in divorce (divorce).

These reasons are closely related to the so-called risk factors for divorce. As such, three groups of risk factors for divorce can be distinguished.

First group- personal risk factors (individual-typological characteristics of the spouses, the experience of family life of the grandparents, the state of somatic and neuropsychic health, socio-demographic characteristics, etc.). Traditionally, the upbringing of the future spouse in an incomplete or disharmonious family is considered a risk factor. And special meaning acquire emotional disturbances in marital and child-parent relationships: coldness, rejection, detachment, hostility. A significant difference in age, as well as the distance in the educational and social status of future spouses, also act essential factors risk to family life.

Second group risk factors is determined by the history of family creation: the conditions of acquaintance, the characteristics of the premarital period, the motivation for marriage, the primary compatibility of a married couple. Marriage stability decreases if the dating period turns out to be too short (less than six months) and insufficient for getting to know each other and establishing equal relations in which partners learn mutual understanding and cooperation in solving emerging family problems.

Since the family roles of husband and wife in modern society are much less regulated than before, due to the active participation of women in social life and social production, it takes time to preliminary agree on the views of partners on family values ​​and roles.

The risk factor for the success of marriage is the premarital pregnancy of the bride, especially when the spouses are very young and financially dependent on their parents. In this case, the period of courtship is reduced, moreover, the newlyweds often find themselves psychologically, economically and personally unprepared for future family life.

When a young family without children breaks up, that is, we are talking about a newly formed married couple, the risk factors are inadequate motivation for marriage and the short duration of acquaintance, which does not allow partners to correlate the value basis of marriage.

Inadequate motives for marriage may be the desire of one or both spouses to separate from the parental family, either in order to assert their adult status, or in order to avoid conflicts, quarrels, and emotional tension in relations with their own parents. Another inadequate motive may be an exaggerated desire to find patronage and protection from a partner in order to satisfy the need for personal security. The partner in this case is perceived instrumentally - as a guarantor of security, and the decision to marry is not based on a relationship of love and emotional and psychological intimacy. Usually this situation develops in cases where a couple starts dating or gets married after a significant loss - death. loved one, a divorce that has just taken place, parting with a loved one, etc.

Third group risk factors reflects unfavorable conditions for the functioning of the family. These are unfavorable housing and material and economic conditions, low efficiency of the role behavior of marriage partners, deprivation (deprivation of the opportunity to satisfy) significant and vital needs of family members, deviant (deviating from the socially acceptable norm) behavior of spouses (alcoholism, drug addiction), high conflict, sexual disharmony.

Factors that increase the degree of family readiness for divorce are urbanization and the growth of the mobility of the working population, the change in the place of women in the structure of professional employment in society and the further individualization of the life concept, in which the goals of autonomous personal growth are given increasing attention to both sexes. The liberalization of society's attitude to divorce, the easing of the legal norms governing divorce are far from the last factors provoking the ease of making a decision to dissolve a marriage.

Along with the risk factors for divorce, we can also talk about the factors of tolerance (tolerant attitude), which reduce the likelihood of family breakup even in the face of problems in family life and conflict relations. The presence of children in the family is of the greatest importance. The child quite often acts as the “last argument” in the decision of the spouses to divorce in favor of preserving the family. Having children reduces psychological desire and the economic justification for divorce.

Another important factor holding spouses back from divorce is uncertainty about their economic situation after a divorce and the ability to feed their children, provide them with a full-fledged upbringing and education. For example, according to foreign researchers, the divorce rate in American families decreased during the Great Depression of the 1930s, which was due to a lack of jobs and housing. On the contrary, working wives, who are able to provide for themselves and their children financially after a divorce, show a greater propensity to divorce in problem families than women who do not work or are engaged in low-paid work. Low readiness for divorce is found in rural areas, unemployed women and population groups with income below the subsistence level.

It is known that in most cases it is the woman who initiates the divorce. The community of extra-family interests and goals increases the resistance of the family to destructive influences. And the main resource of tolerance is the unconditional preservation of sympathy, affection and love for a partner.

It is possible to identify the most common (typical) reasons for divorce, who in most cases are referred to as divorcing spouses themselves:

1. Loss and lack of love, mutual respect, trust and understanding. Since the basis of the modern family and marriage is love, the loss of a sense of love is considered as a fairly serious reason for divorce.

2. adultery, sexual relations outside of marriage, jealousy. True, in this case it is difficult to say whether adultery was the cause of the divorce or a natural consequence of the earlier alienation of the spouses and the actual breakup of the family. Adultery encroaches on love as the basis of marriage, destroys the integrity of the family, affecting all areas of family functioning; causes psychological damage to the individual, poses a threat to self-acceptance and self-respect, self-esteem of the deceived spouse. That is why the complex of feelings that arise as a reaction to adultery includes the experience of jealousy, resentment, loneliness, betrayal, loss of stability and a sense of security (the metaphor of a "destroyed house").

3. Alcoholism and excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages by the spouse. As a rule, such motivation is used mainly by women. IN Lately The problem of drug addiction was added to the problem of alcoholism. This, unfortunately, is becoming quite common in young families, marriageable age who do not exceed five years of marriage.

4. Claims of one of the spouses to the sole headship, violation of the norms of equal communication in the family, the authoritarian style of behavior of one of the spouses or the tendency to authoritarianism of both, which manifests itself in the unwillingness of mutual concessions when solving problems important for the family.

5. Unfair distribution of household responsibilities, role overload of women due to the difficulties of combining production and family responsibilities. This reason acquires special significance in families where both spouses work, and professional and career goals are important for wives. Quite often, conflicts in the family arise due to the lack of unity of the spouses on the issue of how much a woman should devote herself to work, career, and to what extent - to the family.

6. Intervention of grandparents in the family life of young spouses. According to researchers, approximately 8% of divorced young spouses (marriage length of up to two years) indicated interference in their lives by their parents as the reason for divorce, while among spouses with more than five years of family life, only 0.6%.

7. Inconsistency and inconsistency of views on the upbringing of children. Most often, disagreements between spouses arise in the 5-10th year of marriage, that is, from the moment the children are included in the public education system (kindergarten, school), which requires more active participation from the father.

8. Lack of common hobbies and interests of the spouses. The lack of common hobbies leads to the fact that spouses in most cases spend their leisure time separately, thereby increasing the gap in their interests. Since from the moment of the birth of a child, the wife is “tied” to the house and her leisure opportunities are significantly limited, conflicts arise and intensify over the “unfair” distribution of free time between spouses and providing them with the opportunity to have a good rest.

9. dissimilarity of character, incompatibility of views and values. Character traits of a partner that cause irritation and alienation in a married couple are pettiness, dishonesty, frivolity, impracticality, distrust, imbalance and other personality traits.

10. Inadequacy of motives for marriage, psychological unpreparedness of spouses for marriage. As a rule, in this case, the family breaks up quite early, and this breakup is often due to the idealized ideas of young people about marriage and insufficient knowledge of the partner. The adequacy of ideas about a partner allows young spouses to effectively build their communication and role-playing interaction, find a way to constructively resolve the conflict, develop joint family values, norms and rules of the "family game" and thereby avoid the destruction of the family and its disintegration.

11. Sexual disharmony of marital relations. Recognizing the unconditional need for a married couple to contact a sexologist, we emphasize that in the overwhelming majority of cases, sexual disharmony is based on psychological causes, the resolution of which necessarily requires the participation of a counseling psychologist.

12. Violence in family, aggressive behavior of the spouse, including all forms of aggression from physical violence to grouchiness and irritability.

13. The spouse's belonging to a certain profession or involvement in activities that cannot be accepted by the partner due to value, religious, political, ethical and other beliefs and principles.

14. Commitment by a spouse of a criminally punishable act, asocial and illegal behavior.

15. Unsatisfied desire to have children by one of the spouses and refusing to resolve the issue using modern methods medical reproduction or adoption of a child.

16. Material, financial and housing problems of the family, dissatisfaction with the low or simply unsatisfactory one of the marriage partners, most often the wife, standard of living.

The probability of the breakup of a family is largely determined by the stage of its development. life cycle. The minimum risk of divorce compared to other stages of the family life cycle is the first stage - “a young couple before the birth of children”. The risk factors for the breakdown of marriage at this stage are the duration of the premarital period (less than 6 months or more than 3 years); significant differences in value family attitudes; dominance of the motive of leaving the grandparental family in one or both spouses; experiencing traumatic events during courtship or immediately before or after marriage; tension in relations with the grandparent family of one or both marriage partners.

A significant risk of divorce falls at the "family with small children" stage. As a rule, this stage is characterized by a decrease in subjective satisfaction with marriage, role tension and role overload. A family with teenage children is also vulnerable to the risk of divorce, since it is at this stage that the “mid-life crisis” occurs, often causing a desire to “start life from scratch”. Divorce in this sense is for many spouses the most easy solution Let go of the past and start life anew. Families of the elderly rarely make the decision to divorce, because in old age the need for mutual assistance and mutual support increases.

The American researcher of the psychological problems of the family, K. Whitaker, sees the main reason for divorces in the fact that “often the husband and wife performed the functions of father and mother, without becoming personalities. When the religious sense of the sanctity of marriage evaporated and the desire for individuation appeared, divorce became a way to break out of the chains of such slavery, where two give up their identity, becoming nothing in order to become part of a symbiotic union called marriage.

He connects his vision of the problems of modern marriage with the inability of young people to act independently, independently of others, especially from their parents, and hence the inability to cope with their own problems. To this are added many socio-cultural aspects that do not so much hold together as destroy the family. The reasons for divorces listed below, according to K. Whitaker, are largely due to the emergence of new values ​​in culture (sexual freedom and, at the same time, freedom of marriage).

1. The penetration of the battle between the parents of husband and wife into the next generation. The wife rebels against her mother, who obeyed her mother, and does not want to surrender to anyone. Having learned to fight the hated control system of their parents, the couple continues to fight the control and restrictions that are inevitable in any marriage. No union is compatible with complete freedom, everyone loses his individuation in it, as well as his loneliness.

2. Some marriages break up because one or both spouses are afraid that this will prevent them from climbing the ladder of success in society.

3. Sometimes the cause of divorce is friction between the families of the husband and wife. Childhood experiences of mom and dad fighting also cause them to re-enact similar scenes in their marriage. This is inevitable even in cases where a person hated them and swore to himself that this would never happen in his life.

4. Some marriages were originally based on the delusional idea of ​​both spouses that, when united, they would become adults and overcome the pangs of insecurity inherent in adolescents. The modern call for sexual adventure and seeking it also makes it difficult for couples to come to terms with the responsibilities and demands that come with their partnership.

5. Many marriages take place long before young people have successfully "divorced" their parents and established their right to be separate individuals. An attempt to become a member of a new family, when a person has not yet dared to separate from the old one, gives rise to a phobia. Both spouses then expect to be adopted by the partner parent. Later, this paradoxical situation can be overcome by making a series of movements towards individuation and return to the union, but this process is painful and endless.

Naturally, this is only part of the reasons that push spouses to divorce. As shown by studies of domestic and foreign experts in the field of family psychology and family relations, the main among them is the psychological and practical unpreparedness of spouses for family life (42% of divorces). This unpreparedness is manifested in the rudeness of marriage partners, mutual insults and humiliation, inattentive attitude towards each other, unwillingness to help in household chores and raising children, inability to give in to each other. Along with this, it is accompanied by a lack of common spiritual interests, greed and acquisitiveness of one of the spouses, unpreparedness for interaction, inability to smooth out and eliminate conflicts and the desire to intensify these conflicts, as well as the inability to manage a household.

All this becomes clear when the family has already broken up. And before that, neither the spouses nor those around them have a clear understanding of what is happening. Moreover, at the time of the divorce process, neither of the spouses has time to seriously think about possible consequences disintegration of the family union both for themselves and for children.

No matter how experts in the field interpret the problem of divorce family psychology No matter how public opinion develops on this score, so far we can only state the fact that in Russia, according to the latest statistics, the number of divorces is twice the number of registered marriages. Family breakdown is not only a personal problem of people, but also a public problem. For society, this is a deterioration in the demographic situation, depreciation of the family institution, a decrease in the working capacity of people experiencing a situation of divorce, an increase in the number of single people, the emergence of single-parent families in which raising children without a father becomes flawed, etc.

Divorce, forced or voluntary, is always a source of great upheaval in the life of an adult. He reveals all those personality traits that could only implicitly manifest themselves in a calm everyday life. The separation of spouses is always stressful, and it is not possible to cope with it in a year or even two. Psychologists have found that five years, as a rule, are required for former spouses to stop looking for the guilty and understand that they are now friends, not former enemies.

Divorcing spouses, according to psychologists, in the vast majority of cases experience a feeling of despair, longing, loneliness, the bitterness of unfulfilled hopes. Sometimes a person feels the consequences of an unsuccessful family life for many years after a divorce, is afraid of remarrying because of the fear of making a similar mistake and experiencing Once again deep anguish and pain, turning his life into endless suffering.

Did the spouses manage to get out of the difficult life situation associated with the dissolution of marriage with the least “losses”; how did their relationship develop during the divorce procedure; how they divided the jointly acquired property - all this is reflected both in the future life of each of them, and in the fate of their common children.

Family breakdown is also a serious social problem. That's why consequences of divorce can be roughly divided into three groups:

1) consequences for society;

2) the consequences for the divorcees themselves;

3) consequences for children.

The social consequences of divorce were already mentioned at the beginning of this section. I would like to add that most of the divorced men and women do not have the opportunity or desire to remarry. As K. Whitaker rightly noted on this occasion, “what the spouses have invested in each other cannot be taken back, and the ability to invest oneself in a new relationship is poisoned by suspicion and paranoid feelings towards any marriage as such.” In addition, a significant proportion of divorced women who have children do not marry at all. Based on this, the childbearing opportunities of divorced women remain unrealized, which has an extremely negative effect on the processes of population reproduction. As a result of divorces, the number of single-parent families in which a child is brought up by one of the parents is increasing. An increase in the number of children brought up in a family without a father (with a living father) increases the likelihood of deviant behavior among adolescents and negatively affects their academic performance.

Divorce contributes to the growth of morbidity in society; it creates traumatic situations that can cause neuropsychiatric disorders (disorders) in both parents and children. Loneliness as a consequence of a broken marriage becomes the most difficult social and psychological problem for many people. Against this background, an increase in the proportion of children who grew up in single-parent families can be considered as a factor contributing to the destabilization of the future family. Once destroyed family, scientists believe, repeats itself in future generations. Children who grew up in incomplete families often repeat the life mistakes of their parents: they do not know how to preserve and appreciate the family.

1. Describe divorce as a socio-psychological phenomenon.

2. Describe the dynamics of divorce. Name the stages and phases of divorce, reveal the psychological characteristics of each of them.

3. List and describe the main risk factors for family divorce.

4. Name the motives for divorce in men and women, identify similarities and differences.

5. What are the main reasons for the divorce of today's married couples?

6. What is the difference between legal and psychological aspects divorce?

7. When is divorce morally justified?

8. What are the social consequences of a marital divorce?

9. What, in your opinion, can (could) lead to a decrease in the divorce rate? What advice can you offer future and married partners?

Analyze the following situations and answer the questions

Situation 1.“In the recent past, I went through a divorce and a long, painful battle to get my kids to stay with me. Recently I met an amazing man who is not at all like my ex-husband. My new chosen one- a very soft and open person, you can talk with him about anything. But he has his own pain: his wife left for his best friend. The burden of the past does not allow us to finally get closer - we are both afraid to trust new love. How can we overcome this problem?”

1. What are the psychological consequences of divorce faced by partners who want to improve relations with a new chosen one?

2. How likely is it that problems will arise in their relationship in connection with the situation of parting with their ex-spouse that has not been fully experienced?

Situation 2.“Thirteen years ago my husband left me. I was left with seven children in my arms. The youngest was six months old. Now four children already have their own families, live separately from me. It was difficult to raise children alone. Worked at several jobs, just to put them on their feet. The children grew up and were educated. Three are still minors. But my health is still undermined. And despite the fact that I have so many children, I feel very lonely. I myself grew up in an orphanage. I have not seen anything good in my life ... "

1. What are the social and psychological consequences of divorce in the described situation?

2. How can you define the problem of a woman who divorced her husband many years ago? Why, despite the fact that she has so many children, does she feel lonely?

3. What would you advise her? Does she have a chance to somehow change her life?

Situation 3.“I can’t get over my extremely bad marriage. My ex-husband did nothing but lie and cheat on me, burning my own money along the way. Inwardly, I understand that he was a scumbag from the very beginning, but it took me eight years to finally understand this. Finally, I plucked up the courage to leave him. Now I am gradually coming to my senses, but I am afraid to even think about new men, let alone go on dates or, say, fall in love. How, after all that I have experienced, can I learn to trust men and believe in love again?

1. What psychological problem did the woman face after an unsuccessful eight-year marriage?

2. What is needed for her to be able to trust men again?

3. Try to formulate psychological recommendations aimed at solving the problem of this woman?

Situation 4.“I am married for the second time and, naturally, I am afraid that one terrible day my life will turn to dust again. The reason for this fear is that my previous marriage collapsed in the most unexpected way. I did not suspect anything of the kind until one day my husband told me that he was completely unhappy with me, he was very tired and finally decided to leave. I was shocked because I loved him. I don't want history to repeat itself. Understand, I do not want to aggravate relations in vain, but even more I am afraid to find myself in the world of my illusions again, which will suddenly melt away at one moment. Is it possible to notice problems in a relationship before the situation becomes irreparable?

1. What causes the psychological problems of the author of this story?

2. Is it possible to guarantee that the situation faced by a woman in her first marriage will not happen again?

Situation 5.“I got married twice. Two children from different marriages. After leaving her second husband, she met a guy. He is three years younger than me, he is twenty-three. He is very kind, and my children were drawn to him, as they never were drawn to their own fathers. And I decided - let him come to us as long as he wants to. In the end, I waited: he told me that he liked the girl. And he emphasized: “She is 18 years old.” And I could not stand it - I got drunk. She was cheerful, sang, danced (I have a beautiful voice, and he liked the way I sing). And spent the morning...

But the essence of my letter is not my suffering. A friend says to me: “Yes, we are beautiful, but no one will marry us because of our children. We must spit on all principles and take from life everything that it gives. What if I don't want to go to bed with someone I don't like?! And I can’t be alone - I don’t want to feel like a second-class person. I still think: if they love me, then children cannot be a hindrance ...

Or maybe it’s true that we are the dregs of society and should be content with those who pay attention to you, and don’t even look at those who you yourself like? So then let them open brothels, and we will go to work there. After all, all the same, pleasures and in general something good are not supposed to be for us! So at least there will be money, and then our children will not get used to other people's uncles if they don’t see them next to their mother.

1. What social and psychological problems lie behind the frivolous behavior of a young woman? Is it possible to consider that such behavior is the result of unsuccessful marriages? Justify your answer.

2. What is the real reason that this woman is so easy to start relationships with men? Just because he's afraid of being alone? Or maybe it has something to do with her personality?

3. What are the consequences for the personal development of children can have multiple "marries and divorces" of the mother?

Situation 6.“... Now I have no family, I raised two children. And now, when the years have passed, the old resentment and pain dragged on, I realized: in many ways, what happened then was my personal fault. There was no desire to reconcile, to understand, to wait. Then it was envious that peers sew fashionable dresses, buy imported boots, have fun in companies, and I only have childcare, laundry, cooking for my husband, waiting for him to return from evening classes at the institute. The soul could not stand it then - it left. And now I understand that the way of the family, the formation of the character of the spouse, his interests depend largely on the wife, on her unobtrusive efforts ... good wife understanding, few people want to leave ... "

1. What was the main reason that prompted the woman to divorce? Is it really to blame for the fact that the family broke up, only the wife?

2. What mistakes did the woman make in her marriage behavior?

3. Can her belated remorse change anything in this situation?

Situation 7.“I want to scream with grief and shame. We had a strong, quite a happy family. Children finished school, grew up obedient, studied well. Recently, the peace in the family began to be disturbed - the husband began to drink. I got him to change his job and part with his “friends”. But one day, returning from a business trip, she saw her husband in an extremely anxious state. He was drunk, met me with abuse and threats, accused me of treason and licentiousness. As evidence, I waved a piece of paper on which a few words about my infidelity were scrawled.

Of course, I understand that it is very unpleasant to receive such an anonymous letter (albeit without a signature). But this is not the main thing: after all, my husband and I lived for 18 years, raised children, many envied us. But apparently, our family was fragile, if some slanderer destroyed it with one letter. And the most offensive thing is that the person closest to me, the father of our children, believed him, and not me. I have no doubt that this letter was written by a person who understood quite well the psychology of my husband, knew his penchant for alcohol, and therefore for jealousy. And so the family broke up, peace was disturbed, insomnia tormented at night ... "

1. What caused the breakup of a seemingly quite prosperous family?

3. Is there any hope to somehow improve the situation? What advice would you give to a woman who has been the victim of a slander?

4. How should you build "explanatory work" with your husband in order to avoid the breakup of the family? Formulate your psychological recommendations.

Situation 8.“A thousand times I asked myself: why did he leave? Am I a bad wife, an unworthy mother? No! The houses are clean, comfortable, dinner is always delicious, the children are well dressed... Yes, I do not know how to be affectionate, gentle, warm words have always been difficult for me. She did not like to take care of her husband, as others do, to monitor his mood, smile, preen for his arrival. All this was considered unnecessary. What's the point of breaking? We are not a gentleman with a young lady, we have two children! Relations in the family, I think, should be simple, honest. And he, you see, wanted something new, home holidays. He once told me so: “I’m sick of everyday life, I want a holiday.” I could not stand it, I answered sharply, there was a quarrel. Since then, he has become silent, sometimes leaving home in the evening, meeting with comrades, returning late. I had a suspicion about my husband's fidelity, especially since he began to change shirts more often, acquired a fashionable raincoat. She began to wonder which of the women worked with him, with whom he was on a break, met him after work, checked his clothes, underwear. She presented all my claims and suspicions in a harsh form, not embarrassed by the presence of children. He could not stand it - he left.

1. Who is the main culprit in the situation in the family? What made it impossible for spouses to live together?

2. How was the wife supposed to behave so that the husband would not have a desire to “look for a holiday” on the side? What is her main mistake?

Situation 9.“... I don’t see much joy from the fact that I got rid of my husband. It's hard to live alone too. Sometimes I think that I didn’t do everything to prevent a conflict, and, of course, I didn’t do anything to save my family. For this punished by loneliness.

Situation 10.“... After the divorce, there were many men with whom I would like to start a family. But nowadays men are careful, as soon as you begin to impose the simplest duties on them, they immediately leave. Yes, if I had such an experience with men before, I would never have started a divorce case. My ex-husband was better in every way."

Situation 11.“Married, of course, unsuccessfully. It was only a lot of his own fault. If he behaved differently, everything could be corrected. Now, after eight years of loneliness, I understand all this very well. Soon forty, and I'm alone as a finger. If there was a family, now my son would go mushroom picking with me in the forest, fiddling with the car. This bobyl life is not sweet.

2. What has everyone learned from their hasty divorce?

3. Is there any benefit in belated repentance? What would you recommend to those who are now in a similar situation?

Situation 12.“Not because he drank because he was addicted to the potion, but because he was confused, did not know how to behave in such a situation. Children, diapers, laundry, cooking - all this seemed not a man's business. So he freed himself from marriage, but it turned out that he freed himself from himself, from love, from everything that binds a person to life. I believe that all divorces have one common reason: the blatant unpreparedness of men and women for family life.

2. What should be the preparation of future marriage partners for family life? Who should do it and how?

1. Arnold O.R. Earn Your Happiness: A Book for Women by a Female Psychologist. M., 1994.

2. Arons K. Divorce: collapse or new life? M., 1995.

3. Glushko T. How to survive a divorce? SPb., 2002.

4. Gozman L. Ya. Psychology of emotional relations. M., 1987.

5. Dymnova T. I. Dependence of the characteristics of a married family on the parent // Questions of psychology. 1998. No. 2, pp. 14–21.

6. Kent M. Divorce strategy. SPb., 1993.

7. Kratochvil S. Psychotherapy of family and sexual disharmony: Per. from Czech. M., 1991.

8. Naritsyn N. N. Marriage, divorce and vice versa. M., 2002.

9. Nartova-Bochaver K. S., Nesmeyanova M. I., Malyarova N. V., Mukhortova E. A. Whose am I - mom or dad? M., 1995.

10. Tashcheva A. I. Divorce of parents as a psychological problem // Applied Psychology. 1998. No. 5. S. 78–84.

11. Tiit E. Risk Factors Causing Dissolution of Marriage // Psychology of the Family: A Reader / Compiled by D. Ya. Raigorodsky. Samara, 2002.

12. Tseluiko V. M. Psychology of the modern family. M., 2004 (2006).

Divorce is not a pleasant event. And the psychology of divorce, oh, what is not simple. However, bearing in mind that there are no hopeless situations, we pull ourselves together and act as coolly as possible!

Is it necessary to remain friends?

"Out of sight - out of mind" - the slogan of the radicals. Or idealists. Or optimists. It is believed that if the object former love disappears from view, it is easier to forget. Unfortunately, this rule does not always work. It’s good if you no longer feel the same attraction to him and you are not connected by common children. Then “what was, what was not”, “what is, what is not” ... And if love is glimmering (it was his initiative to leave)? What if you hate him for leaving him? After all, feelings are not going anywhere right away. And if you don’t give them a way out, they will start to corrode you from the inside ... And if there are children who need both parents, even if they don’t live together? And to communicate, if you want - if you don't want, you have to ... So, you need to be friends. And to be friends, you need to forgive. A paradox: it is necessary to prepare for a divorce even before the wedding. That is, to learn human relations, to learn to resolve difficult life situations. Soon the fairy tale tells, but not soon the deed is done ...

Everything has its time

Divorce is a commonplace phenomenon. “Divorce is as old as marriage, although, by the way, marriage is a few weeks older,” Voltaire remarked ironically. Now, untying the bonds of marriage is “even easier than shoelaces.” However, despite the banality and prevalence of the phenomenon, in terms of the degree of stress, divorce is placed next to the death of relatives. That is, divorce is a difficult test. "Divorce is a painful process when cupids try to yank their arrows back." “Divorce is like an amputation: you stay alive, but you have become smaller.” And just as there are phases of grief that we experience when one of our loved ones dies, so there are phases that characterize our state after a divorce. Of course, the reasons for divorce can be different, as well as the attitude of former spouses to this process and its consequences. However, divorce, like death, must be endured. And even the “good soldiers” and “ iron ladies”, not giving the appearance that it bothers them. Thus, it takes time for everything to settle down. And sometimes a lot. Sometimes friendships begin years after a divorce. Or not even friendship, but just a calm relationship, which is also important. Or no relationship at all ... We just let go of a person and it becomes easy. So do we need to waste our lives on the years of the Cold War? Or maybe agree "on the coast"?

"Whom to love? Whom to believe?

After a divorce, there are no guilty parties, there are victims. “To get a divorce is like being hit by a truck; if you manage to survive, you already look around more carefully. And the path to forgiveness and reconciliation is simple and difficult at the same time - this is the path to yourself. After all, our lives are in our hands. Another banal but correct saying. To be happy or unhappy is up to us. If you want to live happily, love yourself. You can shed tears for years, living in the past and hiding from new relationships (this, of course, is more characteristic of us women). And you can learn lessons and move on. The last one is more difficult. Because it takes effort. Because it is energy intensive. Because it hurts to “fall from heaven” and admit your shortcomings. But what we see - in ourselves and others - depends on the point of view. Sometimes it is enough to look at the situation from the other side and new perspectives will open. By the way, if you make a list of reasons why two people get married and a list of reasons why they get divorced, you will be amazed at the number of matches in both lists...

Who is to blame and what to do?

For a former spouse or spouse to “turn” from an enemy into an ally, you need to accept what happened and let the person go. Actually, just as they don’t wave their fists after a fight, you shouldn’t look for the guilty after a divorce. That is, if the decision is made and the i dotted, you need to draw conclusions and move on. For peace of mind, it is useful to find and feel the benefits of your new position. It is likely that it is temporary. Nevertheless, no one prevents you from enjoying new opportunities: go traveling, find a new hobby, devote your time to what you like. In addition, if you go beyond your experiences, you can see a lot of comic in the "post-divorce syndrome." Many aphorisms (the mere reading of which has a therapeutic effect) are devoted to this topic. Here, for example, is the good news that Arkady Davidovich tells us: “Thanks to divorces, there are more weddings.” By the way, did you know that a divorced woman over 30 with children is more likely to get married than her childless peer? Statistics! "Do not be afraid, my dear, divorce is nothing more than a chance to successfully marry!" Another plus "in favor" of divorce, isn't it? And how do you like the irony of Woody Allen: “We were thinking about what to do: go to the Bahamas or get a divorce. But in the end they decided that the Bahamas were only a pleasure for two weeks, and good divorce stays for life." I think it's brilliant. Please understand me correctly. I do not call for solving family problems by cutting the bonds of Hymen. It’s just that if this happened, it’s better for yourself to calm down and start a new life. “They get divorced not because it is irreparable, but because it is rewarded, for the strong in any case.”

child question

Perhaps the most negative thing in divorces is the so-called " baby question". Actually, if a childless couple diverges, then only they themselves can worry about a divorce, well, and a couple of next of kin. If there are children in the family, then the tangle of problems is much greater.

The optimal strategy is this: do not involve the child in your “showdowns”, do not try to win him over to your side, do not let him in on the intricacies of relationships that concern only two adults. No matter how old a child is, he will never be able to understand real reason disagreements between parents. But you shouldn't hide your feelings from him. You just need to let him know that there are situations when things may not go smoothly in relations between people. Talk to your child about what is happening. Especially when he asks questions. Everything that adults are silent about, children consider terrible and unbearable. Their fantasies can be much scarier than reality. And, of course, the child should never be a witness to parental "scenes". Still, the title of parents obliges "to preserve human face". And yet, you should not take action to initiate a divorce until both or one of the spouses has a strong conviction that this step is necessary. Infinitely converge and disagree with one person is permissible only as long as there are no children. If there are children in the family, then you need to have the strength to make a certain decision and follow it, since the constant throwing of parents is experienced by children very hard.

That's the psychology of divorce...

Anastasia Gareeva, psychoanalyst, psychiatrist

If you find yourself in a situation where your husband did not show himself in the best way - he cheated, deceived, framed, offended, obeys his mother a lot and does not understand you at all - but for some reason you cannot get a divorce yet, then use the so-called. psychological divorce. You do not disperse, do not change anything much, then gradually free your thoughts from this person. Psychological divorce can be a preparatory stage for real divorce, or maybe just a form of relationship in marriage.

If I am not mistaken, this term was first introduced by our psychotherapist M.E. Litvak. Here is his quote:

“If it is impossible to disperse legally and physically, disperse psychologically.Consider in your soul your spouse (y) not as a spouse (oh), but as a neighbor (coy).When you don't know how to act or respond, imagine what you would do ifyour partner was your neighbor. With a neighbor (neighbor), because you can’t have sex

forbidden.The “psychological divorce” technique was invented by me about fifteen years ago.One of my patients suffered because her husband had a mistress. I asked her to leavewith him psychologically, that is, to consider his mistress his wife, and himself his mistress.Immediately the balance was on her side. To her, "mistress", he came six times a week,paid a salary and registered a marriage. He came to his "wife" once a week, gave onlygifts and did not register the marriage. She stopped clinging to her husband, and he stopped walkingto the mistress.So: if it is impossible to disperse legally and in fact, disperse psychologically..

To be honest, I learned this term quite recently - at the same time, I have already mentioned this technique a sufficient number of times and even put it into practice. Well, it's nice that my thoughts coincide with the great ones. Hooray, me))

Psychological divorce really works - this is a great way out for those women to whom society shouts “What are you putting up with, leave him-he-he-is-unworthy of you!”, And at the same time they have “nowhere to go.” By the way, what the hell is this expression?.. And where did they come from and why didn’t they do anything for so many years so that they still had somewhere to go? However, these are lyrical digressions.

Up to the point about changing places of wife and mistress, I completely agree with Litvak. But in it - not quite. Not all women can do this, and a psychological divorce should bring relief, not unnecessary suffering.

How does this trick work? You continue to live together, are full-fledged parents for children, observe external formalities, and even can sleep together and have sex. But in your heart you stop considering your husband as a husband. He is no longer the person you count on, who you trust globally (in terms of small things, like buying milk or babysitting - you can), not the one in whom you invest morally, physically and financially. He has his life, you have yours. Although only you can have your own life, the spouse may continue to believe that everything is the same in the relationship. Moreover, it is absolutely not necessary to report a psychological divorce. Unless you enter into a certain oral contract.

Features and Pros psychological divorce:

1. You feel free - but not alone, because. you have a family, but your duties towards your husband no longer work. You can cook food because you choose to, not because you have to. If you want, you do something; if you don't want, you don't. You are no longer guided by the opinion and desires of your husband, you do not listen to his remarks, which used to hurt you. You are your own mistress.

2. You are no longer worried that your husband may misunderstand something, forbid it, limit it in some way. And you do not think about what kind of reaction from his side your actions will cause. Previously, you might be afraid to say or do something in order to avoid a quarrel. Now you don't care. And there will be no quarrel - because you don’t care what your husband answers, it doesn’t scare you anymore.

3. You keep the family "for the sake of the children" - only this is not a sacrifice on your part. And since you have let go of the situation and are internally calm, they do not observe your quarrels and scandals.

4. You finally have the opportunity to “build up” your inner content - something that you don’t have or didn’t have time to form, because marriage was for you, among other things, one of the means of escaping from loneliness and inner emptiness. Now you have a great opportunity to fill your inner world without the fear of being alone.

5. Now you have the opportunity to do what you love. You can enroll in courses that you have been thinking about for a long time, but did not go due to lack of time and money that went to the benefit of the family - now it will be your husband's concern. You can change career guidance - and again, do not think about how your husband will react to this.

6. You are open to the world and people like free woman- and, therefore, there are chances for new acquaintances. You don't owe your husband anything.

7. You can take a deep breath, you have self-confidence, sparkle in your eyes, freedom. A husband - if he still has feelings and he has not psychologically divorced you - will not be able to ignore this. As well as the fact that you elude him. Perhaps your behavior will make him fuss and focus more on your relationship. The main thing is not to set it as a goal for yourself and not to use psychological divorce as manipulation, otherwise nothing will come of it. When you leave, leave, as they say.

When a marriage breaks up, many begin to have psychological problems that are difficult to deal with on their own. Psychologists give valuable advice on how to survive a divorce with a spouse and start a new life. These tips are included in this post. Will be considered different situations and some stories of men and women about divorce.

How to behave after a divorce?

First of all, you need to perceive divorce not as the end of life, but as a new stage. You have many opportunities that were not available before. So you have to try not to screw up. bad thoughts and especially do not seek solace in alcohol or cigarettes.

Many people are afraid to start a new relationship after a divorce. Fear is understandable, but it must be dealt with. It is only important to take a break in order to recover and undergo rehabilitation. If you do not know how to survive a divorce from a husband or wife, then you should contact a specialist. He will tell you how to live on, and what exactly to do in your case.

1. Accepting a divorce. If you cannot change the situation, then you need to change your attitude towards it. That's what all the experts say, and they're right. What is better after the inevitable separation: to dry out from suffering, to live alone, or to move on and start a new family? The answer is perhaps obvious. For some people, the problem that has arisen becomes a springboard for internal growth, and others - a pit with a swamp in which they gradually drown. Tell yourself honestly where you want to be in which of these situations.

2. Marriage is not the whole life. It is very important to understand this thought in order to easily survive a divorce. Even if all your attention was concentrated around a broken family, you probably had a specific goal. A person is a unique and inimitable person who has his own desires. So you need to tell yourself that life goes on with or without marriage. This is one of the most effective tips on how to survive a divorce from a wife or husband.

3. Don't be alone. Many people make the mistake of completely immersing themselves in their experiences and closing themselves off from their loved ones and friends. They, on the contrary, will help to cope with depression and survive parting. We need to communicate as much as possible with good people who love and appreciate you. Better yet, find a circle of optimists and spend a lot of time with them. They will charge you with energy, cheerfulness and their activity. But with pessimists and whiners who show pity, it is better to limit communication.

4. Take care of yourself. Maybe this hackneyed advice however it actually works. You can take care of your appearance, exercise, go on a diet or find a new hobby. Perhaps you have long dreamed of learning to knit, play the guitar, ride a bike more often or go fishing. The post-divorce period provides time for all of this.

The best advice is to take your mind off the breakup and occupy your thoughts with something else. A hobby will just be a great solution and will greatly help in how to survive divorce and betrayal. If you have strong problems with finances, you can volunteer. In addition, helping others often helps to forget about their own pain and switch to other people's problems. Remember that a new activity, if it requires meeting people, is always unexpected acquaintances. Who knows, maybe your destiny is waiting for you there?

What not to do after a divorce

Also, the advice of a psychologist on how to survive a divorce from a wife or husband contains rules that you should never break. Otherwise, the rehabilitation period will be complicated and even delayed for an indefinite time.

1. Do not blame yourself or your ex for the current situation. Everything that happens in life is good experience for the future. Therefore, from a divorce, you need to draw conclusions for yourself, understanding the reason for the failure. But the search for the guilty and shifting responsibility for what happened will not be useful, but will only excite unpleasant memories.

2. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Phrases such as “how poor and unhappy I am” must be excluded from your thoughts, especially in such a difficult period. Pity sucks all the strength, makes weak and helpless. Therefore, it is important to stop it even from other people. To go through a parting with dignity, you need remarkable strength. You need to support yourself with phrases: “It doesn’t happen in life, I can handle it,” “It will only benefit me,” and so on. You can read stories about how a man survives a divorce from his wife or a woman from her husband. They will help to inspire and understand that not everything is so bad.

3. Don't try to bring back the past. No need to look for ways to return to a past life and impose on the former half. Did you make the decision to leave on purpose? You should accept the fact of divorce and come to terms with it. Everything is done for the best.

4. Do not start a relationship out of anger. Many men and women after breaking up try to find a new partner. By this they want to show their value to the opposite sex and inject their ex-spouse more painfully. Maybe during the marriage you were considered the best, interesting and attractive person, but during the period of the relationship, the former half suffered from dissatisfaction with their needs. Therefore, inattention will repel even more or will not make any impression at all. But such actions will have a devastating effect on new relationships.

How to start a new life?

Psychologists identify several steps on how to easily survive a divorce and start over from scratch.

• Find the good in the current situation. In some cases, divorce can be interpreted as a positive outcome of the relationship. For example, the husband was an incorrigible alcoholic or despot, he even beat his own children. Agree that it is better to part with such a person and not spoil your life? Divorce will open up new opportunities, this is a chance to do what you previously limited yourself to. In addition, you can change yourself, your disposition, appearance, or even start your own business. In everything there are only pluses.

• Get rid of the memories. After the dissolution of a marriage, life should begin with a clean slate, not returning in thoughts to happy moments with an ex-husband or wife. Therefore, if you are thinking about how to survive a divorce, start getting rid of everything that reminds you of past relationships. You can burn photos, throw away gifts from your spouse, re-paste the wallpaper in the house, and so on.

• Make plans for the future. The scariest thing is to go into an uncertain future, so it’s better to think in advance what might await you there. For example, you will make repairs, climb up career ladder, go in for fitness or make new acquaintances. Think carefully about what you want, what you dream of doing in the future. It is best if thoughts are not just in the air, but are reflected on paper. So make a graph or even calendar plan, which will show what goals need to be achieved. Keep them small, but doable for you.

Stages of divorce

To better understand how to survive a divorce, testimonials from men and women say that it is necessary to know what are the stages of going through a breakup.

1. Stage of denial. Many do not want to believe in what is happening and in every possible way convince themselves that nothing has happened. Psychologists insist that it is necessary to recognize the divorce that has occurred. This is very important, otherwise the depression will only drag on.

2. Stage of anger or aggression. When a person understands what happened, he begins to get angry at himself or the traitor. These are completely normal feelings after a breakup, so don't blame yourself for them.

3. Period of negotiation or manipulation. At this time, there is a desire to return the former half. Moreover, everything can be used: money, living space, children, a fictitious illness or pregnancy. Psychologists advise not to take such actions, but only to drive away bad thoughts from yourself.

4. The occurrence of depression. Feelings of unhappiness, longing and resentment come. I don’t want anything, the mood and trust in the opposite sex disappear. Just at this stage, many begin to look for advice on how to survive a divorce from a wife or husband. It is important to survive the depression, not make it worse.

5. Stage of adaptation. Only during this period, people who survived the dissolution of marriage begin to adapt and get used to a new life. Wounds are healed, grievances are forgotten and there is a desire to start a new family.

Only after going through all of the above stages can you survive parting. Moreover, it is important to help yourself on each of them. But how much divorce is experienced depends on the person and the specific situation. For example, the period of acute pain can last up to two months. The adaptation phase usually lasts from two to six months. The recovery phase can last from six months to a year. But you can finally come back to normal in a year or even two. As you can see, you need to be patient in order to survive this difficult period.

Features of rupture during pregnancy

As a rule, parting with the participation of a pregnant woman occurs in a very young couple. Moreover, the initiator, most often, is a man who is not ready for responsibility. If life did not work out from the very beginning, then divorce is most likely only for the better. It is important for girls not to flatter themselves with hopes that their husband will come to his senses and return. In most cases this does not happen. How used to be a woman she realizes this and begins to deal with how to survive her husband's betrayal and divorce, the faster she will be able to start an affair and find a father to the child.

During pregnancy itself, psychologists recommend brushing aside negativity and bad thoughts. It is important to focus on the upcoming birth and the health of the baby. This will not be possible if future mom will always be in tears. You need to take care of yourself, your child, try to survive and become the best parent. It must be remembered that experiences greatly harm the fetus! The help of girlfriends alone may not be enough, so you should not be shy about seeking professional advice from a doctor and a psychologist.

Experiencing divorce with children

Family conflicts are always more difficult to resolve if the spouses have a common child. In difficult situations, these are permanent courts, an aggravated division of real estate, property, and even offspring. Some even face the task of how to survive a divorce with two children.

Under such circumstances, it is important for parents to try to remain friends, because meetings with the child are inevitable. Children feel emotional condition fathers and mothers and unconsciously copy him, especially if they are small. Also, you can’t set your children against one of the spouses or limit their communication (unless, of course, this is prohibited by the court), this will only aggravate the situation. Discussing the reasons for divorce with children is also not worth it, but convincing them that they are still loved is a must.

Psychologists recommend educating and planning a child's life. If a move is unavoidable, then you need to think about new school, circles and leisure on vacation. Let the former spouse also take an active part in the upbringing. High school students and students are easier to relate to the divorce of their parents, so it will be easier with them.

How to deal with infidelity and divorce

It is always more difficult to forgive a spouse if another woman or man became the reason for the breakup. Suffering only intensifies, because betrayal is a serious betrayal. If a divorce has already occurred, then psychologists recommend only one thing - to understand and come to terms with the fact that this was not your person.

You can’t compare yourself with a rival, try to find cons in yourself and beg your ex to return. Also, many make a mistake when they start blackmailing children or property. Then how to survive betrayal and divorce? Just let the person go, forgive him, wish him happiness and move on with your life. Let him create a new family, and you will definitely be happy with another person.

Divorce after 30

In fact, 30-35 years is still quite a very young age. Therefore, you should not live in memories and grieve for a long time about a failed marriage. The situation must be viewed in a positive light. You have already gained experience in building family relationships, housekeeping and work. If there are no children yet, you can focus on a career. This age is the most attractive for employers. You can also change your profession additional education or start traveling. With the advent of children, there will no longer be such opportunities.

Divorce after 40 years

At this age, family ties break up very often. Moreover, this may be due to a new period of "growing up", with a crisis stage. In general, how to survive a divorce with a husband after 40 years or with a wife will help general recommendations. In Russia, this age is no longer young, so many people are worried about the absence of children. The solution may be adoption or in vitro fertilization.

Loneliness after 50

At this age, it is most difficult to accept the situation of divorce, because youth is already far behind. In fact, life after fifty is just beginning! Surely the family has adult children and grandchildren with their own interests. You need to try to get close to them and put all your strength into them. They will help you get through this difficult time.

You can also forget about suffering if you open an exciting business in which you need to invest your whole soul. Sadness will pass, and there will be a feeling of transition to a new, better life stage.

All of the above recommendations of psychologists really work and help, so do not neglect them. For inspiration, consider some of the testimonials and stories of people who have experienced divorce. How did they deal with the situation?

An example of a husband cheating

Sometimes it happens like this: a woman realizes that a man is cheating on her. Although there was love, a common child, field trips, going to the cinema and so on. Usually a woman asks her husband to return for a long time, even begs him, but divorce is inevitable. After a while, she decides that she has had enough of humiliation, changes her image, hairstyle, wardrobe, loses weight and stops calling her ex-spouse. After that, he himself will begin to seek meetings with his child. Many friends after a divorce are advised to sign up for fitness and courses foreign language. This is a great chance to clean up and take the first step to visit another country. Perhaps a nice man will meet on the courses, and a relationship will begin. This happens to many women, they even remarry and live very happily.

An example when the wife is to blame

In some cases, only after marriage can a man realize that his wife is too demanding. She literally “nags” him, constantly tells him that he does everything wrong, although he tries, and his wife does not even notice it. And it is not surprising that a man can get himself a mistress, not knowing how to survive a divorce. Relations with a new passion are not always successful and it is impossible to forget the old love. A man gets depressed, but only work saves him. And it’s good if you get an understanding boss who will load you with orders for a while. So there will be no time for sadness and thoughts about personal life. Several years will pass, the man will fly up the career ladder, and will not even remember his ex-wife.

Despotic husband

It happens that a husband eventually becomes a tyrant, although he was a wonderful person. At first, he forbids the use of cosmetics, having beautiful things, chatting with girlfriends, and generally having personal space. The husband will dominate everything. Later, he will begin to show aggression, insult and humiliate. When the first assault occurs, sometimes a woman realizes that this can no longer continue. She filed for divorce without regret and went to live with her parents.

After the breakup, some girls sign up for psychological training. There they hear many similar stories of women who have gone through a divorce. A professional coach who conducts classes helps to increase self-esteem and love yourself. Women transform before our eyes. After the training, they find a good job, return their girlfriends and meet a worthy man.

Alcohol is the reason for divorce

In some situations, women leave men who abuse alcohol. They make bad family men, they do not strive for a good salary, they do not help with the housework, they do not devote time to their wife and child. They prefer to spend all their free time with their drinking companions. Women can not stand it and file for divorce. For some men, this turn of life becomes a good “shake-up”. They persuade their spouse to return for a long time and begin to act. The first thing, of course, is alcohol. A man can become so desperate that he will never drink again in his life. After one find decent job and others even start their own businesses. Seeing such changes, many wives return to their former spouses.

Now you know how easy it is to get over a divorce and start a new life. You should not withdraw into yourself and constantly grieve about a failed family. You need to accept what happened, tune in to the positive and move forward. In a few years, you will not even remember the divorce, because you will find new happiness.