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What does betrayal mean at the energy level. What does it mean to betray yourself

A little philosophical theme- thinking about your goals in life. Why can we forget about them.

People come into our lives to teach us something. They always come at the right time, and when this particular lesson is needed and important. Therefore, the theme of love for a person who is not ready for it (who has not learned to love himself) can become unhappy. So many novels, so many stories of Romeo and Juliet, Ann Korenin and just sad stories about unrequited feelings that arose from a seemingly bright feeling.

Everything is natural - and love has nothing to do with it. Love creates, but it is not the ability to love and, first of all, oneself that destroys.

For many, this is a decisive choice and it really sounds like “To be or not to be.” You learn to love yourself - you choose Life, no ... - the choice is also worthy.

For me, the bell always rings when someone says - I don’t want anything ... Why? Nothing works...
But it doesn’t work, because you don’t want to choose to be (someone).

It really is a choice. And it would seem silly, as in life you can choose to be or not. But it is so. Remember all your dreams that you buried. Think about whether you are happy from the realization of this? Do you want to keep doing this?

Remember the desire that you so wanted to achieve, and how it inspired you, led you and made you happy. And then, remember yourself when you refused the desire, gave up, dropped your hands - it was as if you went to the bottom. Doesn't it feel like a little dream death?

To love yourself is to choose life - always, to bring it to the end, not to stop, to continue on the path. To love yourself is not to replace your Spirit with someone else, even if it is a loved one. He has his own life, his destiny, you have yours.

Thus, many women betray their Spirit by devoting all the aspirations of their lives to the dreams and plans of other people.
How? “Thinking about them all the time, living their life. Even if it is falling in love or love, there are always tasks for life, no one has canceled them.

Dedicating even in your thoughts all your time to someone - you give it away in the form of your life force and precious energy. And it's good if your feelings are mutual, but if not? In any case, you make a huge sacrifice of the tasks of your Spirit, because at that time you do not think about them, while giving your vitality something else.

And even if everything is fine, you can’t live only with your loved ones (husband, children, parents). You need to remember about your life, your tasks and develop them first of all, continue to go your own way. This is what love will always tell you: - Live first for yourself ... It will always return you to your Spirit.

If this is not the case, then there is no love for yourself, and you need to return it with all your might (start to take care of your life).

I'm talking about those tragic cases when a person puts above all others. About not wanting to live, or when he refuses to fulfill his desires and does not want anything.

When this happens, it means that the time has come to understand this very lesson of self-love and start changing something for yourself.

Love is always for life. Love does not betray. You can't be happy without loving yourself.

Love yourself!

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Bitch do not read me, and those who sometimes should read me do not read, there are no readers and ardent feminists, man-haters. And thank God. I really love my audience. My girls are the best. For many reasons. But the main thing is because they still preserve the purity of the female soul.

Each of you has everything that I write about. In varying degrees of readiness and maturation. sometimes mine dear girls All you need is some incentive to change. And for someone, my articles become a "green" light in order to realize what they really wanted, but were afraid or embarrassed. For some, they help change the priorities of their lives. Someone to accept and love themselves. Someone is given to try something new and hitherto unknown. They pull someone out of the swamp of everyday life, they reach out to someone in difficult moment life.

None of my readers, at least I hope so, are those who cheat on their husbands right and left, who give their children to orphanages, have abortions every year and do various lawlessness, deceiving other people. And that means that the topic of betrayal is irrelevant for them. It seems that they do not know how to betray anyone at all. But.

There is another side of betrayal, which we touch on much less often, but this only makes it more acute again and again. I'm talking about betraying myself.

And this topic, unfortunately, is with my very best and beautiful girls occurs quite often - albeit in an implicit form.

My good and glorious, kind and sincere girls have very high ideals to which they aspire. For example, Mother Teresa, Saint Fevronia, Xenia of Petersburg, the wives of the Prophet, Radharani… And other very inspiring and very high examples of holy and pious women. But what happens when we try so hard to be like them and act like they did?

"I feel terrible. Material attachment is a sin. And I love beautiful dresses. They say that only depraved women dress beautifully. For a month now I have been wearing a black hoodie and feel ugly. I am only 25. My husband is in shock, I am depressed.”

“I have to help everyone. This is right. Service to the world is what we should be doing. As a result, I already have a bunch of different ministries. And a family with three children. Every day they try to give me some more service, but I can't. I just have no time and nowhere. My family suffers from my ministry, I cook for my husband for three days at once - and he eats the same thing. Children spend the weekend with their grandmothers. But I can't refuse, I don't have the right to live for myself."

“Divorce is bad, it will fall on my future life stain of karma. My husband is an inveterate alcoholic. He drinks and beats me. But I can’t leave him, even just go to my mother, this is not Christian.

"My mum Difficult person. Lives alone. She was not married. All the time merges me with his negativity. And I can't stop listening to her. She has no one to tell it to. Every day she tells me for two or three hours what all the bastards are (and I am a bastard too). I cry, but I listen. I can't pick up the phone. Can't hang up. I want her to feel better. And then I can’t come to my senses all day.”

“All decent women should stay at home. I'm decent. I'm sitting. The husband earns enough. But I'm bored. No kids. There is no one to make a mess at home. I cook so much that my husband does not have time to eat. My friends all work, during the day I'm all alone. I want to do something, I would go to work - I have always loved teaching. But that's wrong."

“Women should have long hair. I am growing. Only now my hair is ruined by two chemicals and repaints. They are burned out, no treatment helps them. They are ugly, I don't like them. But if I cut my hair, does that mean I will shorten my husband’s life?”

“I try very hard not to get angry. Anger is destructive and not at all feminine. And every time I explode again, I just hate myself. I'm not a woman at all."

“I have to love my husband's parents. I have a hard time with them, my husband too. But since it is my duty, I always invite them to visit, I break into a cake to please them, I am completely exhausted. And they are unhappy, the husband also gets tired of communicating with them. But if they don’t bless us, then the husband won’t have any money?”

When I read such letters, I often cry along with these amazing girls. Each of them - with a huge heart and huge soul. And each took on an unbearable burden. For example, to become a nun while staying in the family. Or make happy those who do not want it. Or save the whole world by sacrificing yourself. Each of them thus swung at becoming a saint already in this life. But there is one difference.

There are few holy people, they are special. It is difficult for us to understand them, because all these sacrifices and hardships only made them happier. That we ordinary women, drives into melancholy, depression, draws all the strength out of us - it makes them more filled, happy.

Look at the pictures of Mother Teresa. She shines everywhere. Glows from within. But was her life simple?

And we are all different. We are ordinary and earthly. This is neither bad nor good, it is just such a stage in the development of our souls. We are not yet so connected with the Creator to draw energy from there in buckets. We are not so freed from worldly attachments that we can give them up and remain happy. And trying immediately, from scratch to jump above our heads, we fail.

Instead of developing step by step and admiring the Saints as a beacon or landmark, we betray ourselves by making super-efforts. Tearing your soul and your body with excessive loads. For what?

Girls, don't betray yourself. Any knowledge is a guide. This is the direction of travel. I like the lighthouse metaphor - knowledge as the light that helps us navigate the ocean of life and keep the right course. But this is not a hard grip that requires you to do just that immediately.

Children grow in the same way - by a centimeter-two-five a year, little by little. We are not trying to put them in a stretcher and immediately make them two meters, right? Then why do we put ourselves all the time in the same stretcher for our souls? Why do we mock ourselves all the time, trying to become a holy person in one day, and then we still oppress ourselves for not succeeding?

Do not betray yourself in small things, or in something larger. Do not give up those of your hobbies that seem inappropriate to you. Don't force yourself right away. high standards chastity in clothes. Do not immediately try to squeeze yourself into someone else's tight suit, even if this suit is very beautiful and correct.

I know a wonderful and very feminine, happy girl who drives a motorcycle on the race track on weekends. It's her way of burning negative emotions, her rest, her realization male qualities. And that doesn't make her a "man".

I also know those women who spend a lot of time at their favorite job, despite having children. And that doesn't stop them from staying good mothers. Rather, it even helps, because they cannot sit at home, and with their energy they begin to annoy everyone.

I know a lot of very feminine girls who are this moment wear short haircuts. Most often because they cut off "dead" hair past life. And now they grow their own, beloved and healthy hair.

I know girls who do not communicate with their parents at the moment. Because such a stage in their relationship. They keep their distance, pray for their moms and dads, learn to love them in their hearts. How can relationships be established if there is no peace in the heart? And for this world to come, time is needed - and often distance is also needed.

I know those who are happy not having a husband, not having a single child, and not even cooking a single dinner. Yes, there are such girls, and they are also sometimes happy - if it is their conscious choice.

We always have a choice - where and how to go.

Choosing the path of femininity, we must first understand - Who am I? What am I? That I love? What I want? What exactly do I need? understand your individual characteristics, your soul. To never betray yourself.

In order not to be in such a relationship, which in itself is your betrayal of yourself. In order not to give up that part of myself that does not fit into this high ideal for one reason or another. To accept your emotions, feelings, features. Accept - and use them for good, without betraying yourself and your soul.

And at the same time, don't betray your values and ideals. There is another category of letters. I often cry over them too. They seem to me even sadder, because women know what they want, they like to be women, but for one reason or another, they refuse all this.

"I live with a man in civil marriage I can't get away from him anymore. He is not going to marry, religion is nonsense for him. He doesn't care about me, he doesn't want children. I'm already thirty. And I already, it turns out, forever connected with him. And you will have to carry this cross to the end.

“It's too late for me to change. What for? The children grew up, I lived a strange life. My husband is a stranger to me. Diseases of the sea. All that remains is regret that I did everything wrong. What kind of skirts are there, if it’s soon at the cemetery, after all, I’m 62 years old. ”

"I do not want to work. I want to be at home with my husband and children. But my mother constantly shames me and makes me work. As a result, I am back in the office, the children are in kindergarten. I earn pennies, I don't know why. The husband is angry, because at home there is always a mess and an empty refrigerator. And I really miss the time when I was at home with the children.”

“I had beautiful long hair. But my sister didn't like it for some reason. Her hair must have been worse. One night they cut off my braid. I cried for a week, but my mother was able to convince me that I goes square. It's been twenty years, I really want to grow a braid, but my mother and sister keep telling me that with long hair I'm ugly that they don't suit me, that my husband will immediately run away from me. And I still wear a bob."

“I don't like jeans. I love long skirts I like the way I feel in them. But my boyfriend says I'm like a grandma and jeans are sexy. And makes me wear them. You have to listen to him"

“I want to do women's work – sewing. But my mom is against it. She paid for my training as an economist. She pays, she feeds me, and I force myself to study where I am disgusted. And I don't even have time to cut and sew. No time, no inspiration

“I want to go to church, take children there, but my husband is categorically against it, considering all this heresy and nonsense. He doesn’t let me go anywhere on Sunday, if he notices that I was in the temple, he arranges a concert. Telling children that there is no God

Do not betray not only yourself, but also your values. Something that warms you and shows you the direction for development. What inspires you and makes you better, happier and more fulfilling.

It's never too early for that, it's never too late, it can't be at the wrong time.

Femininity is not a vise, not a standard “from and to”, not a narrow mold into which we all have to squeeze one way or another. Femininity is the direction of movement. Femininity is a certain set of your values that take into account your characteristics. Femininity is a flow in which there is no “right” and “wrong”, it has only “I feel this way”, “this inspires me” and “this makes me happy”.

Femininity is a beacon, the light of which helps us remember who we are and why we came into this world, with what tasks and features. And how we will solve these problems - there are always countless options.

Do not betray yourself for the sake of the ideal, and do not betray your ideals in the difficulties of everyday life. The most valuable thing is always inside you, because we are girls. Girls are little divine suns, remember? All the most important things are already in us. And no matter what we do, it is important for us to remain happy in order to continue to shine and warm. After all, who needs the sun, which is very correct and strict perfect shape, but which does not shine and does not heat?

And yes, I almost forgot to say. You are my best. Truth. The most-most girls in this crazy world. Thank you for having me!

Perhaps the most difficult and terrible thing that can occur in the relationship of a person with God and people with each other - betrayal. When it happened, it is too late to change something. How to live and act in order to right moment find the strength to forgive the one who betrayed us? How, without even noticing it, not to be a traitor yourself? Abbot Nektary (Morozov) reflects on this.

Weakness or intent?

Hegumen Nektary (Morozov) / pravmir.ru

Every time we experience what we perceive as betrayal, it hurts a lot. We are disappointed not only in specific person but also in people as such. It begins to seem to us that relations between people are something extremely unsteady and wrong, and we begin to close ourselves off from people, to defend ourselves, to beware of them. Of course, this greatly impoverishes our life and, in my opinion, makes it fundamentally completely different. Of course, it’s also impossible not to react to the fact that you are being betrayed, but it seems to me very important to understand what betrayal is in general and how you can treat it in a Christian way.

First, the most serious question arises: what is betrayal, and what is not? It often happens that in a particular situation there is a clash of interests - ours and another person's. And the person with whom we are friends, with whom, perhaps, we are even close people, acts based not on our interests, but on our own. We can worry about this, get upset and consider that this is the real meanness, but at the same time we will not be able to give an objective answer to the question: why should this person have preferred our interests, and not his own? Yes, probably, if he preferred ours, we would be grateful to him, but the fact that he preferred his own should not injure us. In life, everything is sometimes much more complicated, not so linear, but the principle remains the same: we cannot expect from others that they will first of all do something necessary for us, and not for themselves. Otherwise, in many cases we can consider a traitor a person who had absolutely no intention of betraying us. In this case, it is unacceptable to blame a person, it is unacceptable to demand something from him for the future. You just need to conclude: this person can only do as much as he can. If he loved us more than he loves himself, he would act differently, but in principle we have no right to expect him to love us. And probably, even resentment should not remain in our hearts - we just need to reconsider our relationships with people and not rely to such an extent on the fact that everything will certainly turn out in our favor.

"The betrayal of Judas or the denial of Peter?"

If we talk about actions in which a person not only, let's say, benefits himself, but also retreats from our relationship with him, somehow lets us down, here we must definitely remember two gospel situations - the betrayal of Judas and the denial of the Apostle Peter . In the case of the Apostle Peter, this is weakness that took possession of him as a result of a colossal shock. Before his eyes, the Lord healed the terminally ill, cast out demons, walked on water - and suddenly the guards take Him and drag him, and Peter understands that all this will end with an unrighteous judgment and murder. We know that the Apostle Peter was not a cowardly and cowardly person: he not only loved Christ - he was ready to die for Him, he attacked the guards, he understood that he could be killed right on the spot. And only when he could no longer do anything, put, at the behest of the Savior, his sword into the scabbard, weakness and despair surged over him. And the Lord did not take this renunciation as a betrayal, only Peter himself blamed himself for it until the end of his life.

But with Judas, everything is completely different: he is directly called a traitor, and we see what the background of this was, what his life was like: the Apostle John the Theologian says that Judas carried with him a box of money, that is, a kind of treasury that existed for common daily needs, and there was a thief. Perhaps he committed a betrayal because he was disappointed in Christ - he wanted, following Him, to taste glory, power, power, but he realized that none of this would happen. Perhaps, before all the other disciples, he realized the meaning of the words of the Lord about what would happen to Him in Jerusalem, and decided, before it was too late, to save himself from danger. Or maybe it was a whole complex of very different, conflicting feelings and considerations, but nevertheless, one thing is obvious: the basis of his decision was calculation. He did what he did quite deliberately and consciously - not out of weakness, not under pressure, not because there was no turning back: he could at any moment abandon all this and, in last resort, run away. And that is why the outcome of all this was so terrible.

We read from many fathers that the Lord would have forgiven Judas if he had repented, but a person who betrayed consciously, intentionally, as a rule, cannot repent. And the point is not in the very fact of the sin he committed, but in the fact that conscious, cold-blooded betrayal is a consequence of the prevailing internal dispensation, and it will manifest itself again and again. Not a single person can be judged before the Last Judgment, and absolutely amazing changes can occur in any most inveterate sinner. But there are spiritual laws that we should be aware of and that we should not turn a blind eye to. And one of them is that the traitor crosses a certain line, beyond which it will not be possible to simply slow down, just as a car, moving along the road, passes a certain speed limit, beyond which it is no longer possible to simply hit the brakes so that it has stopped. When a person builds a treacherous plan in his head, he just takes the acceleration that does not allow him to return to himself later. Therefore, with the person who betrayed us, it is necessary either, having forgiven him, to stop intimate communication, or, if we have decided to continue communication, be prepared for the fact that everything will happen again, and no longer experience this shock and try to minimize the damage in advance. And what lies at the basis of this - weakness or intent - also, of course, must be taken into account.

Don't hide from God

I am convinced that a person does not need to be afraid that someone will deliberately betray him or let him down due to weakness - you just need to always have the thought somewhere in your mind that this can happen at any moment. No one is obliged to be faithful to us, besides, a person is very changeable and easily influenced by circumstances and passions. I think that very few people in life have ever been betrayed by anyone, have not retreated at a difficult moment, which means that we have survived it and will survive it again. It is much more necessary to worry about not being in the place of a traitor yourself. And even if most of us do not commit acts similar to the betrayal of Judas, but something similar to what happened to the apostle Peter can happen to us completely. And here the most important thing is not to hide, not to hide from God - this is both the strength of a person and his faith.

It can be seen how different the behavior of the Apostle Peter and the behavior of Adam were during the apostasy from God: one, seeing his nakedness and being ashamed, hid in the bushes, and the other, seeing the nakedness of his soul and being ashamed of it, nevertheless went towards God. It hurt him, it was difficult for him, but there was no other way for him: he understood that no matter how he blamed himself, he had no one but Christ. And this, long before the renunciation took place, was embodied in wonderful words which, it seems to me, every believer needs to be constantly remembered: God! To whom shall we go? you have verbs eternal life (John 6:68). In general, this is why he finds forgiveness - even before he has time to ask for it - because, feeling unworthy to be near Christ, he nevertheless finds in himself the strength and determination to rise up and be His apostle. And the Lord responds to this inner movement, stretches out his hand to him.

Live or Survive?

One of the most common motives for betrayal that I have encountered in life, in conversations with people: “How else could I survive?”. What can be said about this? I once understood for myself: there are people who live in any circumstances, and there are people who survive in any circumstances. And this psychology of survival forms a certain worldview, which is reflected in a person's life literally in everything. Survival becomes a kind of idol for which you can overstep the bounds of conscience. And not only conscience - elementary intelligibility: sometimes you can meet people who, figuratively speaking, behave like a person dying of hunger, lost in the forest and forced to eat what normal people they do not eat: mice, tree bark, unknown mushrooms... Of course, this state is very deplorable. And in order not to reach it, you need to have a very strong foundation within yourself and the ground under your feet. I'd say it's faith and it's common sense, as well as an understanding of what a person is intended for.

What should we do if we discover this "survival drive" in someone of our fellow man? In this connection, I am reminded of the example of the Athonite elder Joseph the Hesychast. He suffered a lot of slander and accusations from some other fathers who lived at that time on Athos, and when one of his students was indignant about this situation, he invariably said: “Leave them, they just see it like that.” But at the same time, he did not live with these people, he did not unite with them, he understood that they looked at things differently than he did, and it was better not to combine these different visions. Probably, we can learn something from this experience, with the exception of situations when it comes to our loved ones, from whom we cannot escape. In such situations, there is only one thing left: to cover with love. The expression for the ear is rather wonderful, but, moreover, very true: you can really cover everything with love, if it is enough. And if it is not enough, then we will cover something, but it will be like with a blanket under which you can freeze, because it is too short.

“But I won’t become a scoundrel!”

It sometimes happens that a traitor suddenly turns out to be a person who lives so decently, so decently, that everyone around him for a very long time cannot believe that he is actually capable of such evil. How is this possible? And perhaps this happens when a person, lulled by the idea that his life is virtuous and prosperous, allows himself, for the sake of profit, a small, barely noticeable meanness. And that's all - he can wake up already when he flies into the abyss.

“When a person betrays himself, he completely loses the ground under his feet”

In this connection, I am reminded of one of my favorite books, John Steinbeck's The Winter of Our Anxiety. AT Soviet times it was thought that it was talking about social injustice in a capitalist society, but in fact it tells a very personal and tragic story a man who lived in a small American town and came from a once rich, and later impoverished family. He was respected, he was loved, he was a war hero, he had a wonderful family - a wife and two children, he had a job in a store and a good relationship with its owner. But just one thought: “You occupy too low a position in this city, you deserve a completely different one,” changed his whole life. And it all started with a seemingly everyday matter: he brought a box of whiskey to his alcoholic friend so that he would sign a deed of gift for a piece of land that he himself had no need for. A friend signed everything, drank, without restraining himself, this whole box of whiskey and died. And after some time, an Italian was arrested - the owner of the store and the head of the protagonist, because he illegally lived in the United States, and because someone reported this to migration service... As a result, the hero (and it was he who informed!) got the store, but got it in a completely unexpected way: when the Italian was expelled from the country, he, having great respect for his former employee, gave him his business. There were a number of similar circumstances, and I remember how main character I said to myself all the time: “I was in the war and killed, but I did not become a murderer. And now I am committing meanness, but I will not become a scoundrel! And he repeats this to himself, and then he goes and drowns himself, because he cannot live with all this. And the last straw is that he sees in his son the same meanness that he recognizes in himself. And if you carefully consider this plot, you can see that the hero not only passed for some a short time the path from a virtuous life to the depths of hell - he flashed through it like a shadow. This became possible because at a certain moment he betrayed himself.

As soon as a person departs from himself, he completely loses the ground under his feet - the ground not only for Christian life, but for life as such. God has put something amazing and unique in each of us, and each of us, by and large, somewhere in the depths of our soul knows what is best in him - what is in him that the Lord especially loves in him. And when a person refuses this in himself for the sake of something, this is a betrayal of himself. And the question here is not who will condemn us for this, who will forgive us or not - there is simply a risk of losing absolutely everything: losing your unique human personality, to lose those people who surround us, and to lose touch with God. Both the Lord and the people remain close, but we no longer become ourselves, but someone else, and therefore communication ceases. And the only thing that can save us then is the incomprehensible mercy of God, when the Lord in some unknown way touches what is still good in us, and this good sometimes rises, responding, and sometimes not. This is the secret of our heart, in which everything is contained.

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What is meant by self betrayal? Neglect of one's own interests, behavior aimed at pleasing others, delaying, rather than bringing closer, the realization of life goals. When you step on the throat of your own song. Every action that benefits others, that meets their expectations, and at the same time is harmful to the woman herself. Every action that does not allow the true essence to manifest, which does not allow you to show your true feelings when at the cost of one's well-being one buys an illusory opportunity to support harmonious relationship with others, to give them everything they want for the sake of peace.

Every time a woman does something that she doesn't want to do, and that she would never do, without being involved in relationships with other people - that is, without the pressure of expectations and demands, maybe even - of her own expectations from themselves, ideas about how a positive heroine should behave, "humanistic" ideas about the dominance of the public good over the personal.

Betraying yourself means always asking "what do you want", arranging your decisions in such a way that it is convenient for others - just in case, although no one would object to doing what was convenient for you. Invite others to decide for you, although there are issues that you need to decide only on your own. Look for someone who would be responsible for you, having found, say "thank you", downcast eyes.

Never fight for your opinion, never demand attention or results from others. Do not claim rights, do not express aggressive feelings. A woman who tries to go against others who expect self-betrayal from her will hear reproaches: this is not allowed, this is not accepted, you will only make things worse, you look ridiculous, you look like an evil witch, you are not a woman, but a man in a skirt, if you will not be nice, people will turn their backs on you!

There are five very common ways to act in such a way that self-betrayal becomes habitual, becomes a way of life. When the mask of obedient, compliant, patient, altruistic, ideal has already grown.

I betray myself when too much, deeply, selflessly:

- I understand (I justify the actions directed against me)

The problem of self-betrayal arises when we too often and too well understand other people's problems that cause others to treat us unfairly - and justify them. Of course, it is quite normal to understand why a person, weighed down by difficulties and problems, chooses one or another path of action, stepping on the interests of others.

However, in practice, there is not just an understanding of the reasons for someone else's choice, without justifying it, but it is the writing off of other people's sins due to adverse circumstances. Thus, in some cases, someone's behavior is tolerated solely because they do not have the courage to openly blame it when it is not liked, contemptible or harmful.

Excessive understanding is demonstrated, for example, by Elina, in relation to her cheating husband: “He can be understood: after giving birth, I got fat, and now I almost don’t want sex, I’m constantly tired, I don’t have enough time to take care of myself - of course, with Under these circumstances, the husband began to look for sex on the side, and you can’t blame him for this, he’s a man, he needs full sex!

Elina is driven by guilt towards her husband. And he, as you might guess, does not consider himself guilty at all. Or here is the situation of Sabina: for several years now she has been tearing herself away at several jobs in order to support her and her husband at the usual level. Once upon a time, Leo's financial affairs were going well, and in those days he and Sabina were used to hosting big parties every week.

However, at some point, Leo was left without a job. It seemed to be temporary, but life has shown that Leo is not going to make any further efforts to make money: he is listed as the owner of a private business, and the fact that the business does not really work and does not bring any income is just small detail.

Then Sabina took on the burden of fully providing for the family. In addition to the lack of gratitude and recognition of the importance of her work, Lev began to reproach her for coming home too late and running the farm. A tired Sabina and a fresh-faced Leo sitting on the sofa with his hands folded on his stomach is a weekly sight for all their guests.

Sabina says: "I understand his problems. He is already 55, at that age it is difficult to rebuild, it is very difficult to find a job in his field, and retraining is no longer for him, definitely, and in everything else he suits me, so I have to I have to reckon with his difficulties and endure his dissatisfaction with the fact that I spend time among people, outside the house, and he sits and waits for me in the evenings. Sabina herself is already 45, which is also far from youth, but she nevertheless finds an opportunity for more and more one-time jobs to earn some more money and maintain a sense of financial well-being at her husband.

- help (provide complete comfort)

"Helpers" are driven by the idea: if I help him, and will always help him, he will love me, become attached to me, treat me well, appreciate me. The helper acts for the feeling "I am important and irreplaceable." There are two extreme types of "helpers": "wife of a drunkard" and "wife of a genius."

"The Drunkard's Wife" - oh, she has many opportunities to feel irreplaceable. Who, if not she, will endure all this? Who, if not she, will take care of her husband, drunk to the state of real estate? Who will bring him a glass of yogurt with a hangover? Who will cover him from the authorities, inventing family problems, from the family, inventing problems at work, from the family doctor, inventing other reasons for exacerbation chronic diseases?

The only question is, is it really cool to make it your mission in life to serve some drunk? And is a woman really doing her husband a good service by covering up his drunkenness in front of everyone? Sometimes such a "cover" does not allow the drinker himself to realize the true extent of his problem and catch himself, while it is still possible to change something. "The wife of a genius" is a woman who is completely devoid of her own interests. Her whole life is centered around brilliant husband and provide him optimal conditions. The regime of the day, place of residence, ways of rest - everything will be built around the "genius".

If a woman has her own profession, she forgets about it. And about all your ambitions. And that time in general, purely theoretically, can be spent separately from her husband. His interests are her work, his happiness is an indispensable condition for her existence. Moreover, it does not matter how brilliant the "genius" really is - it is enough that his genius is recognized by both spouses. Alena worked as a cosmetics sales manager, and when she married Nikolai, she left her job.

He did not even think that she would be somewhere far away from him every day. Nicholas was the owner of a small sports club. Alena started working for him, and then he said goodbye to those workers who used to be engaged in advertising and organizational matters: now all this has become Alena's task. Alena was in charge of recruiting groups, making and placing advertisements, collecting money from club members ... in general, she had enough work.

However, her husband did not pay her salary - what kind of salary are we talking about if she is his wife? As a result, Alena, instead of a person implementing a higher economic education and managerial skills in a large company, where she shone promotion, found herself in the position of an employee "for everything about everything" of a small shop.

Things soon went lousy - there was still no need to save on the salaries of development specialists, as Alena's husband did. Alena remained something of a secretary until the club had to be closed. In all further projects, Alena was invariably assigned the role of an assistant, while objectively she was a more capable and talented person than her husband.

- I sacrifice myself (I sacrifice my interests for the good of others)

The general idea in this case is to live according to the principle: my destiny is to sacrifice myself for the sake of others. There is different degrees sacrifice, from mild, when you simply give up your desires for the pleasure of others, to severe, when happiness is determined through suffering.

Moderate levels of sacrifice: a woman works evenings and weekends to pay card debts husband; a woman always spends her vacation where her husband wants to go, and not where she herself would like to go; the wife accompanies her husband, who is going to an event that is not interesting to her. Excessive sacrifice: a woman sends her husband on an expensive cruise alone, because there is not enough money to pay for two trips: the wife brings her husband's shaving accessories to his mistress's house; grandmother gives a significant part of her pension to her children and grandchildren, and as a result, she lives without heating in winter ...

The mother of the writer Romain Gary, in the years of severe poverty, despite the hardships, fed her son a steak every day. She herself never claimed meat, saying that her health does not allow her to eat fried food. One day he suddenly went into the kitchen and found his mother hastily dipping the fat left after frying from a frying pan with a bread crust. Guess how it felt loving son, realizing that the mother is actually a sacrifice in the name of his daily full meal?

To sacrifice oneself is not always good, and almost always dishonest to those for whom the sacrifice is made. Often they are not even aware of it, sometimes Moreover: the sacrifice is not only unnecessary, but also not desirable, as, for example, in the story about the bun and marital sacrifice.

On the day of the golden wedding, the wife, making sandwiches, cut the bread, and thought: "For fifty years now I have been giving the top half with a crispy crust and seeds to my husband. But today, in honor of the holiday, I will keep this delicacy for myself!" - and gave her husband the bottom half, smearing it with oil. The husband, instead of being indignant, was delighted: “Thank you!

I always wanted a lower, softer half, but I never stuttered about it, because you love her so much, and I gave her to you! "Even if a person knows that you are giving up something for him, he cannot appreciate to the fullest extent, how hard it is for you to refuse, he may consider that you are refusing something that is not essential for you.Therefore, the bills that are subsequently presented: "I am for you this and that, and now you ..." are perceived bewildered and often left without payment, causing a feeling of black ingratitude and broken hopes in the donor.

- keep modest (push my needs into the background, believing that they belong there)

Those who learned well in childhood that "I am last letter in the alphabet", are accustomed to give in at the slightest clash of interests. They are ready to back down and with an angry look thrown at them, and with a pleading look - it is clear that everyone around needs more than they do, and they, moreover, do not use any special privileges to have some rights.

In order to do something for themselves, they certainly need self-justification. Such a woman will never sit in a transport without being pregnant, but if she, a pregnant woman, is asked to give up her seat, she will give in, justifying the request by the inattention of the one who asked, although she will be unhappy: after all, now she definitely had the right to sit!

Excessive modesty is shown by both parties, for example, in a situation where, say, a woman bought something at the request of a friend who promised to give money for the purchase - and the friend insists on giving the money, and the one who spent it refuses to accept it , taking into account the fact that both of them are in a cramped financial situation.

It would seem: they give you money (if it is you who are trying to give it back) or they return your legitimate money to you - accept it. An no. Modesty does not allow. Another couple of examples of such false modesty. Natasha long time she had never been anywhere: after work she would pick up the child from the kindergarten and sit at home with him, while Natasha's husband was freer, moving a lot according to his occupation, dining in restaurants and being in public.

Once Natasha managed to get out for the evening, to go with a friend to a concert. And exactly a week later there was a concert again, which Natasha wanted to get to as much as she did at the first one. But she didn’t even raise this issue for discussion with her husband: it seemed to her that she didn’t deserve, didn’t have the right to go out for two evenings at intervals of a week, even if she hadn’t gone anywhere a year before. Or here is Marina, who is waiting for her turn on buying a car. The fact that the first car would be bought for her husband was understood as a matter of course - of course, a man would not drive public transport when his wife is already driving.

After buying her husband's car, the family began to save for the car and for his wife. Everything went according to plan until the husband announced that he had already invited workers to rebuild part of the house, and the money set aside for the car would go to the conversion work. Marina did not need these architectural innovations at all, she finally wanted her own car. But - reconciled with her husband's decision, swallowed the insult and began to wait. Wait until the money accumulates again. Unless, of course, the husband does not find by that time another opportunity to dispose of them in favor of his own, and not Marinin's, interests.

I sympathize (I act for the sake of someone who is worse off than me) Motto: suffering must disappear, because I and my sympathy are nearby!

Sympathy, of course, is a good movement of the soul, but it cannot and should not replace others. human relations- love, respect, attraction. Self-betrayal through sympathy can be seen in some women who have become attached to a clearly insufficiently viable man. We are talking about cases when there is some problem in a man’s life that keeps this woman with him. If the problem was solved, or if it didn't exist, the woman wouldn't stay with him. In a sense, a woman realizes a superiority complex in this way: perhaps she feels so bad in all other areas of life that only against the background of a person burdened with a serious problem does she feel confident. However, this is not always the case.

Sometimes a sympathetic relationship with her dysfunctional man is built on her belief in her own strength and ability to change his life, as, for example, in the case of Christina. Christina, being a young, sunny and very energetic person, met a young man of a sad image. The young man seemed to her extremely beautiful, but very sad.

With enthusiasm characteristic of youth, Christina decided that her strength, energy, faith in a wonderful future, her good mood and love for life is enough to pull the young man she loves out of chronic depression, stop his series of suicidal attempts and instill in him a sense of well-being. Alas and ah, the calculation did not materialize. If someone is seriously determined to be unhappy, he will remain so, despite the best efforts of people who love him.

For several years of marriage, Christina lost her sparkle in her eyes and faith in the good. She herself plunged into depression and had to resort to the help of a psychiatrist to get out of it. Christina did not belong to the "sacrificers", therefore, putting her own psyche in order, she tore marital relations, which caused such a strong transformation of her state of mind... however, the divorce does not change the fact that she entered into this marriage, falling into the trap of sympathy - in order to use her strength to "save" the one who feels bad!

Another variety of "sympathizers" believes that their mission is to support those who no one wants to deal with. For example, they choose disabled people for their husbands not because they count on their cure, but because they think that a disabled person will always need them, but, on the contrary, no one needs them except them. So they marry them on the principle of "if not me, then who?"

One of my acquaintances went to bed with a young man legless from birth, not feeling the interest and love due to him, and explained her act as follows: what if no one ever gives him? Why should he die like a virgin?

Summarizing the above, the signs of actions "against oneself" are as follows:

- Fearing conflict, women move towards the goal by detours;
- the opinion of the partner and his expectations are perceived as much more valuable than their own, up to the alienation of needs - the inability to determine them;
- the highest goal is an attempt to link together the diverse interests of many parties, to make sure that the wolves are fed, the sheep are safe, and the shepherd is not eaten;
- the interests of others are clarified before others have expressed them: a woman is busy guessing other people's desires.

All methods of self-betrayal have one thing in common: women do not act in the way that would be good for them, but in the way that is good for someone. Of course, the secondary benefit of this position is always present: the woman then feels " true friend and a reliable comrade" - a worthy person and a good girl rolled into one.

They only pay for the right to consider themselves a good man expensive. How can one sum up all these stories of female submission, sacrifice, keeping their feelings under lock and key and unfulfilled hopes? I would very much like to write something like: “We advise every woman who recognizes herself in at least one of the situations described, to throw off the shackles put on by herself, declare war on subordination and tyranny, take responsibility and recognize her right to happiness, acting from now on only in accordance with their desires, in line with sound natural egoism. I would like to, but I can't.

Because a woman who has been demonstrating a pattern of behavior that we define as self-betrayal for years will not be able to instantly jump to a model of dominant egoism. It doesn’t even matter here how good or bad such a reincarnation would be, how fair or unfair, good or bad in relation to others who are accustomed to observing their benefits and satisfying their needs. It is important that a woman, having tried it, most likely will not cope the first time.

And then she will additionally suffer from a tub of aggression, which will be poured out on her by her relatives for rebellion. And, probably, he will decide that this is an unsafe business - to rebel, and therefore it is necessary to continue in the old fashioned way, not to stick out, to live as she lived. And continue to suffer from psychosomatic diseases that develop on the basis of dissatisfaction of one's own needs, insufficient self-actualization.

So let's say: start small. From tracking the moments when you reluctantly bend under others. Consider if this is necessary. Estimate how you pay for conciliation. Decide for yourself if you are ready to pay this price for the rest of your life. And remember: marriage is not saved by the fact that the wife behaves like good girl. They leave any wives - especially good ones - to those bitches. Why? Men often like spicy food more than bland ...

Morozovskaya Eva Romanovna, psychologist

I sat at the window and waited for him to finally come. We agreed to meet near my house, and the meeting place was clearly visible from my window. I was a little nervous, because he was already late, and I considered it disrespectful towards me. Especially since we had on this topic serious conversation, since each time he could afford to stay for 15-20 minutes. And every time I waited, a girl in love, who did not know her own worth even then.

But this time it was already too much. The clock hand ran inexorably forward, showing that we were supposed to meet 30 minutes ago. Just think, if I could not see the meeting place, I would stand in the cold wind and selflessly wait for it! Resentment washed over me like a wave, and I felt that I could not afford to treat myself like that. The decision came by itself - I will not go out to meet him, especially since his phone did not answer. He knew exactly why I was calling. No no and one more time no! I must know my worth. Slowly moving away from the window, I began to undress, undress beautiful curls, which twisted especially for him. And when I washed off my makeup with the last movement of my hand, I saw him in the window. He looked impatiently from side to side and called me on mobile phone. A whole storm of feelings arose in me, ranging from anger, resentment and irritation to incredible tenderness and a desire to see him. I've been dropping his calls, trying to pass the self-esteem test.

Where had my old resolve to teach him a lesson gone? Tears welled up from my conflicting feelings. I cried with anger at him for not considering me, I cried with anger at myself for the fact that, despite this, I continue to love him. The clock showed 18.40, which is 40 minutes later than we agreed. And then I, poorly aware of what I was doing, began to dress quickly. Slightly adjusting my loose hair, I ran out of the house and ran to meet him. When he saw me in tears, he began to ask what had happened. And I was unable to show my weakness, my broken core, I could not tell him the truth, to express to his face everything that I think about him. I murmured something about quarreling with my mother and why I was so late for a meeting with him. This is what it means to betray oneself - to step over one's pride, principles, values, in a word - to spit in one's soul.

It was a painful relationship in which I humiliated myself and betrayed myself more than once. But now I am truly grateful to them. No wonder they say that in order to fly up to the sky, you must first fall into the very dirt. They helped me see all my psychological problems, childhood traumas, scenarios that I unconsciously began to reproduce during adulthood. Through this experience I ,I realized my worth and brought self-respect into my life.

I want to appeal to those girls and women who betray themselves for the sake of relationships, for the sake of love and a good future. This is an illusion that allows you to believe in the impossible and makes you suffer. Until you discover the source of love and self-respect within yourself, this relationship is doomed to failure, and you are doomed to tears and constant pain in your soul. Let your painful relationship be the impetus for inner transformation, for cleansing your soul from the unnecessary husks of childhood problems, from the desire to earn love.

I hope my life experience will help you realize what it means to betray yourself and give you the right direction for a new life.