Fear of a serious relationship. How to overcome the fear of new relationships? How to get rid of phobias and fears on your own: advice from a psychologist

Relationships between people are at the core of human development. Love is the most intimate form interpersonal relationships. In our time, the fear of relationships is not much less common than the fear of loneliness. Two sides of the same coin, the consequences of global individualization - the trend of Western society. A family consisting of one person is becoming more and more common in megacities.

There is a term - philophobia, meaning the fear of falling in love. It is this phobia that is often the foundation of the fear of creating close relationships. Moreover, a philophobe can have various characteristics, both external and internal. He can be both good-looking and have physical defects, maybe closed introvert, an eternal merry fellow and ringleader, a virgin, and may have a lot of sexual relationships. What unites them is a pathological fear of a serious relationship.

Burnt in milk, people tend to blow on water, so folk wisdom explains the fear of opening up, trusting another person after failures, betrayal and disappointments.

Common Causes

Many phobias, disorders and problems in adult life based on some events from childhood. Philophobia is no exception. Among its reasons are the peculiarities of raising a child, and his observation of the relationship of parents, and personal complexes.

But the root cause of the fear of relationships in most cases is excessive idealization, which is also formed at an early age.

All children's fairy tales tell us about princes and princesses who are beautiful, smart, kind and combine more great amount wonderful qualities.

Children grow up, absorbing the idea of ​​a fabulous life. After a collision with reality, many resign themselves, come to accept that no matter how wonderful your “princess” is, she also has different mood, she can act stupid, look bad, and the handsome "prince" can make mistakes, stay out of work, get drunk with friends.

As for philophobes, they refuse to accept the reality that exists. They continue to believe in a fairy tale, and when they meet real person, which does not correspond to the fantasy image - instead of saying goodbye to illusions, they say goodbye to a person. Subsequently, avoiding relationships in principle, because there are no real close relationships - there will be no reason to be disappointed if reality does not correspond to dreams.

And everything in life has reverse side. For example, this idealization that we are talking about can be formed in a girl in a family where she was very good father. His image becomes an unattainable ideal and everyone normal men in her life, with her strengths and weaknesses, she simply refuses to accept because they lose in comparison with her beloved daddy. A similar situation with the idealization of a mother can play a cruel joke on a boy in a relationship with a woman.

Fear of relationships with the opposite sex

Fear of close relationships is associated not only with childhood idealization, but also with a sense of loss of independence. Long-term relationships mean

• interaction;
• joint life;
• common goals and their achievement.

In any case, in order for two individuals could make plans together, implement them, live in the same territory, have sex, have children - it will be necessary to make compromises. The key to a good relationship is not to meet a person with exactly the same interests, habits, goals, etc. as you have, but the ability to accept a partner as he is, adjust without harming himself, find common ground and be able to resolve conflicts .

Philophobes tend to perceive relationships as bondage that should be avoided. This is due to the fact that they simply do not know how to build personal boundaries and all their close ties, indeed, resembled bondage. As soon as a philophobe falls in love, he becomes dependent on this person, which means vulnerable, so the fear of relationships is just a protective measure. dependent relationships- this is bad, but in this case, you need to work on yourself in order to be able to build healthy, honest relationships, and not abandon them in principle.

Separately, it is important to talk about the complexes inherent in both male and female gender that interfere with building close relationships. A person may consider himself unworthy of a good relationship and thus unconsciously spoil them. And then a causal chain starts: unsuccessful relationships → separation, disappointment → fear of creating new ones.

Note! Self-dislike and dissatisfaction with oneself is the basis for so many problems in human life.

Fear of a serious relationship in women

In one of the previous articles, we talked about androphobia, it is a fear of men that is mainly inherent in women. There we talked in detail about the causes of its occurrence. Fear of a serious relationship in women is often caused by similar reasons. Here it can be the upbringing of a girl in a team of man-haters, and personally experienced a difficult parental divorce, and aggression from the father to her and mother.

The same may apply not to the father, but to the husband: his own divorce, betrayal, betrayal, beatings - experienced by the girl.

By the way, there is another term - intimophobia - this is the fear of the first sexual experience. If this fear is not overcome in time, this can doom a person to loneliness, due to the fact that close relationships sooner or later imply a transition to a sexual level.

Note! Fear of relationships can also develop after the first intimate experience, if it was unsuccessful, or the person considered it unsuccessful for any reason.

About the girl's fear of starting serious relationship consultant psychologist Boris Nikiforov talks to a man in his video

Fears of men in a relationship with a woman

As for intimate fears, this applies to men no less than to women. However, there are also fears characteristic of the stronger sex. This includes a total fear of responsibility and absolute infantilism inherent in many men. There are jokes among the people that the first forty years of childhood are the most difficult for men.

In every joke, there is some truth - not all men are in a hurry to grow up. For example, there is even a separate phobia - gamophobia - the fear of marriage. In fact, marriage is an official confirmation of the closest relationship. We will not discuss whether the “stamp” matters or not, but since such a phobia occurs, it means that for some people who avoid marriage, it still means something.

No one argues that relationships are, indeed, responsibility. However, in healthy relationships this responsibility is mutual and voluntary. Male psychology still very jealous of the feeling of "freedom". At the same time, many completely refuse to accept the idea that, having entered into an alliance with a woman, this feeling can not be lost. And you can be alone and not feel free. All this internal states, which are very indirectly related to external circumstances.

Fear of a new relationship after a breakup

Starting a new relationship is always scary. After all, only good things can be sincere relationship, which means to trust someone. It's hard enough to overcome unconscious fear who haunts after a recent breakup. The fear that they will hurt you, that they will not justify your hopes, provokes philophobia. I am not in love with anyone, which means I am protected, no one can offend me. This position leads to loneliness and depression. A striking character is a birdie from the beloved Christmas comedy "Home Alone 2", an exaggerated image of a lonely woman who left only pigeons in her environment after experiencing pain in a relationship with a person.

Fear of a new relationship usually comes after a few setbacks. The most interesting thing is that this is more than natural, however, people are not always ready to take responsibility for failure. For example, a girl has some characteristic attitudes and behavioral patterns (templates). Her relationship falls apart on her initiative or a partner, it doesn't matter. The important thing is that she dives into new relationships without changing anything, all with the same set of behavioral strategies. And again a break. And so again and again. What does the girl think about it?

1. All men are the same! All goats. It's better to be alone.
2. What am I doing wrong?

If the first option is closer to you, then you should not be surprised that you will continue to come across "goats", or conscious loneliness. If you begin to suspect that if both Vasya, and Petya, and Syoma left, then maybe it’s not only about them, then there is hope!

How to get rid of the fear of relationships

To overcome the fear of relationships, you can only be aware of its presence. As we said above, taking responsibility for the failures in a relationship can work with the problem. As long as a person unconsciously runs away from love, or steps on the same rake, the problem will get worse. an important step will accept the idea that if for some reason you are afraid, then you need to figure it out and get rid of the cause.

You see that there are a lot of prerequisites for the development of philophobia. In order to solve your individual problem, be sure to seek the help of a psychotherapist. The specialist will find out what exactly lies behind your fear: an inferiority complex, a fear of responsibility, or simply in your family you were not taught to love and accept love.

findings

For some people, relationships with the opposite sex are dangerous, as a result, they simply refuse to start them. The fear of losing freedom, trusting another person, taking responsibility for a partner - all this is terribly scary, especially after previous failures. To overcome philophobia, you need to be aware of your ability to influence the relationship to be warm, sincere, happy. Psychologists and psychotherapists work effectively with fear of relationships.

Fear of close relationships is the unwillingness or inability to let another person into your life. Often the concepts of a phobia of close relationships and the inability to frankly communicate mean the same thing. People who are afraid of close relationships and have difficulty communicating rarely create families. However, if they do decide to do so, then most often they are not able to maintain long-term satisfactory results. partnerships and such families often fall apart. But far from always a lonely person is afraid of close communication, sometimes for certain reasons, a person simply could not start a family.

Today, the number of people suffering from the fear of close relationships is constantly increasing. In addition, there are signs that this problem is a problem of society as a whole. There are more and more lonely people. For example, in Germany, almost half of all people live without families. In cities, about 50% of all marriages end in divorce. In the villages, there are somewhat fewer divorces - about 30%. More couples decides to have only one child. In addition, often a woman raises her children alone.

Causes

Such a phobia often arises due to the influence of certain social factors. Unfortunately, our society is not always valued good relationship between people. For example, a careerist who does not care about loved ones at all, but who has achieved great results in work, in our society is often valued higher than loving father and a good family man. In addition, it is much easier to feel your importance and get the recognition of others by making a career, rather than creating a good and strong family.

The reasons for fear of close relationships most often can be the following:

• People are afraid of losing their freedom because close communication means the need to give a piece of yourself to another person.
• Fear of close relationships, fear of being attached to another person and dependent on him are the reason why a person consciously or even unconsciously keeps his distance.
• Sometimes people are afraid that their feelings will be hurt and violated. After all, it is close person can be especially painful to offend.
• If former relationship failed with a loved one, then often a person is afraid to experience the same thing again and often even unconsciously tries to avoid rapprochement with other people.
• If the relationship of the parents was unsuccessful, some people simply cannot imagine that their own relationship with partners can be beautiful and harmonious.
• Behind the fear of intimacy in a relationship, there may be too much painful breakup with a loved one.

Values ​​are changing in today's world

In the 19th century with the start of industrialization big families have become a rarity. The number of children in families has decreased. Relationships between family members have become less close, children try to leave earlier parental home and live separately. In addition, values ​​have also changed - now they are very great importance has a career. So the fear intimacy with the opposite sex can also be assessed as a consequence of a changed social outlook.

Lack of communication

AT modern society people communicate less and less - this is also one of the manifestations of the fear of close relationships. Studies have shown that couples in Japan communicate for an average of 10 minutes during the day, and 4 minutes in the US.

Your leisure time must be organized in such a way as to leave time for communication with loved ones. Of course, there are many entertainments (for example, nightclubs) in which couples take part together, but often this is just an imitation of a relationship.

Each person in life must find his other half, with whom he will be comfortable and cozy. Unfortunately, very often the fear of relationships and the fear of being alone makes a person worry and think about how to live further, what to do. On the one hand, I want someone to always be there, and on the other hand, there are worries about the further difficulties of living together.

Fears and how to deal with them

The fear of starting a relationship in men and women may appear due to some reasons that are simply not justified or are excuses. Here are the main points, because of which many cannot decide to take a step towards happiness:

• Fear of lack of time. Many people do not want to start a relationship, because they believe that they simply do not have time for this. If relationships begin, constant meetings and dates, then things at work will suffer from this or academic success will worsen. Such an excuse cannot even be called a reason, because in reality, when a relationship begins, the outlook on everything will change, and the priorities in life will change. There will definitely be time for a loved one.
• Many people fear relationships because they are simply not happy with themselves. Almost every person can find in himself those shortcomings, because of which he does not want to start a relationship. All plans are postponed indefinitely. This reason also looks like an excuse. If a person likes you, he will accept all your shortcomings, and you, in turn, will be able to change in better side while already in a relationship.
• Problems with trust in yourself and others is the third reason why many do not start a relationship. Someone is afraid to trust a stranger. This is more often possible after an unsuccessful love story with another person. Fear of a new relationship suppresses and does not give the opportunity to decide. To solve the problem, you need to realize that not everyone can betray. There are those people who are always ready to give mutual love and stay true.

Common Causes of Relationship Fear in Women

There is a significant difference between women and men, as both sides are afraid of certain consequences of the relationship. Talking about female representatives, one cannot fail to say that the fear of relationships with men arises due to:

1. Memories from childhood. If a girl grew up in a family where she observed the consequences of male aggression, it is quite possible that she will have a fear of falling into the same trap.
2. Relationship failures. Not all love stories ends the way you want. Because of past breakups, girls and women develop a fear of being abandoned and deceived again.
3. Feelings of inferiority. Often, female representatives experience a fear of close relationships when they consider themselves not beautiful and attractive enough.

Common Causes of Relationship Fear in Men

Men, as well as women, can experience fear of a serious relationship. For example, there are four main points:

• Great responsibility. When a relationship develops, it's time to get to know your parents, start life together, in the future it is even necessary to marry. This is a very responsible step for many men, which is not so easy to do.
• The problem is intimacy. Every man will be madly worried if some problems occur during sexual relations or something does not work out. Often this strongly repels the desire to start a life together with someone.
• Financial difficulties. Not all men can fully provide a woman with everything she needs. The resulting feeling of inferiority becomes the reason for abandoning the relationship.
• Loss of freedom. One of the most common reasons men refuse long term relationship. Many want to remain independent and free as long as possible, because it seems to them that they have not tried everything and experienced everything.

New relationships: why fear arises

Fear of new relationships occurs in both men and women. The main reason for this phenomenon is the fear of the unknown. Many are very worried when they get acquainted with a stranger. Speaking of men, they do not know the interests of the female representative. Often, the representatives of the stronger sex have a feeling that they are not behaving quite correctly, sometimes too intrusively or timidly.

Fear of relationships with a man and a woman often occurs in people in the world.

If we start talking about women, then we can not say about the fear of the appearance of problems in his personal life. For example, thoughts arise about whether parents, friends and other acquaintances will like a new young man.

Both those and others always have a fear of intimacy of relationships. Many are worried and afraid to trust. For many, this phenomenon is due to an unfortunate past, where excessive trust has led to unpleasant consequences.

Causes of fear of intimate relationships and ways to overcome it

Fear intimate relationships very common among people who have just started dating a new person. The reasons for the fear that arises always lie in distrust or any complexes. For many, especially women, there is a feeling that after she is in bed, she will simply be abandoned, and no one will need her. Of the main reasons for the fear of intimate relationships can be noted:

• Kits because of appearance. Many people consider themselves not perfect, besides this, even unattractive. In fact, if a person really loves you, he will not care about such trifles. The problem is peculiar to women who constantly complement due to excess weight or other shortcomings.
• Inexperience. Many are afraid to be in bed and prove themselves as an inexperienced person who does not know how to make love at all.

To overcome fears and decide on maximum intimacy, first of all, you should raise self-esteem. Thanks to this, any fears are guaranteed to disappear, and complete confidence in actions will appear.

All people dream of building a bright, bright feeling, building illusions about this. But dreams often get in the way internal fears. The phrase: "I'm afraid of a new relationship" can often be heard from single people. There is no single reason for fears, everyone has their own. The most common: trauma from the first unsuccessful relationship, fear of dissolving in a partner “without a trace”, and losing one’s self. Some people set the bar so high for potential partners that no one can simply reach it.

Common Causes of Relationship Fears

The first love

This is perhaps the most common reason for fear of a new relationship. Youthful love often remembered with a feeling of slight sadness, as well as great nostalgia. Over the years, the illusion that everything was fine then begins to grow stronger, when people grow up, they dream of repeating that history. But this does not happen, they do not enter the same river twice. You should build "adult" relationships. But the fear of starting a new relationship because of the fear that everything will be worse does not allow you to relax internally.

Internal trauma and resentment

In this fear, as in many others, childhood traumas and resentments are also to blame. Fear of relationships with the opposite sex is often based on the inflicted offense of the parent of the opposite sex. For example: a mother could constantly tell her son that he was worthless, or a father could tell his daughter that she was not beautiful. These words haunt a person all his life and prevent him from creating families and being happy.

Too many failed attempts

With each unsuccessful attempt to build a relationship, a person closes more and more. It is difficult to trust someone again, especially after lies and betrayal. As a result complete care alone, and unwilling to even try.

Restriction of freedom

Many people are afraid of losing their freedom, especially people who live on their own for a long time. It begins to seem to them that the partner will take up too much space in their well-established life, limiting freedom.

Fears of young girls

Young girls often say the phrase: "I'm afraid of a relationship with a guy." It has to do with inexperience and the unknown. Especially often such fear arises if the girl had a negative example before her eyes. Dad hurt mom, mom often cried because of dad. Such fear must be overcome.

Serious relationship

AT last years Everybody more people afraid and do not want a serious relationship. After all, having entered them, a person loses control over himself, he needs to share his whole life with a partner. And it's scary. And people begin to be content with only the top of the relationship, sex, friendship, sympathy. The second reason is self-doubt, that he can become the same for a partner.

Male phobias in relationships

1. Fear of sex- the most important male phobia. Everyone is used to believing that men need sex every day, but in fact, many are afraid of not being as good as their partner wants. Girls should not say phrases: my ex was an ace in bed. This gives rise to a desire in a man to prove that he is better. And when every time you only have to prove, there is no time for pleasure.
2. Fear of rivals- Men are all owners. And they are very scared that there is someone better than him.
3. Fear of getting attached- a very strong male phobia, they are afraid to start a serious relationship, because they believe that a partner will be a brake in their life and because of attachment to her they will not reach certain heights and become vulnerable.
4. Fear of being alone– like all living beings, men are afraid to be alone. Because of this, they try not to let a woman near them, so as not to hurt themselves with loneliness after her departure.
5. Fear of mom is a common phobia. Especially in the sons of powerful women, men grow up who do not start a relationship, fearing that their mother will not like his passion.

Fear of relationships is a fear caused by inner feelings and attitudes. A person may not be aware of the fear of relationships, but his actions and actions may be motivated inner feeling fear. Fear is enough strong emotion, which can only be defeated consciously. But awareness and recognition of the existing fear is not enough in itself. The person may simply decide to avoid the cause of the fear. Need motivation - get rid of fear once and for all.

Fear is present in everyone's life and in itself is a manifestation of the instinct of self-preservation - we can be afraid of heights, high speed and other things - this fear in a moderate or regulated amount does not prevent us from living. Agree, a person is not born to fly and not everyone becomes a racer on the track.

While the fear of relationships blocks a person from an important channel for learning about life - through relationships with another person, finding love and feeling happy and loved. This state is opposite to the feeling of fear - the feeling complete freedom- something that a person who is in the grip of fear will never experience.

Why do people become afraid of relationships? There are several key reasons.

A person could see an unfavorable relationship pattern that had a great impact on him. As a rule, this psychological trauma received in childhood. This is a very serious reason for fear of relationships. In fact, this is a person’s block for relationships because of the fear of repeating the situation that was in the past and brought him pain, resentment, disappointment. A person can be aware of the cause of fear and consciously not fight the existing block, or not be aware and subconsciously avoid a certain kind of relationship. Removal of the block can occur and naturally, with growing up, with a meeting with a person who will help overcome this fear with his love and presence, but it may take a long period of time, since the relationship will be based on trust and the person will need time to open up in them.

Another reason for fear of relationships is the fear of responsibility. For many people, the fear of relationships is associated precisely with an exaggerated fear of responsibility. It may seem to such people that responsibility will inevitably burst into their lives against their will and they will not be able to resist it. Any changes and even the thought of them give rise to fear of the future.

Of course, love relationship associated with responsibility. Mainly, the fact that as the relationship develops, responsibility also increases. If you spent with a man alone pleasant evening and parted with a kiss on the cheek - hardly this stage we can talk about responsibility, while with the formation of a family and the birth of children, a sense of responsibility really comes into life, which is designed to motivate us to be more reasonable, conscious in relation to our actions.

People who are afraid of responsibility have a certain way of life or stereotypes, which it seems impossible for them to lose or question. As a rule, it is difficult for such people to make decisions outside their comfort zone, they can think and act according to certain algorithms that exist for them. In this case, the fear of relationships is connected precisely with the fear of losing the way of life and the existing order of things, changes and something new. Dealing with this kind of relationship fear is not easy, but it is possible by gradually expanding the boundaries and comfort zone of a person and showing that the prospects for change can be very bright. But it is necessary to act first by supporting the position of a person through integration into his way of life, and not by demonstrating a threat to his judgments and lifestyle, gradually leading him to the possibility of making decisions.

Nowadays, many people perceive life as the need to meet certain standards. Therefore, the fear of relationships for many people is associated with a fear of opening up in a relationship. This fear is present in early stages relationships, motivating a person to seem, as he thinks, better, more interesting, more beautiful, in order to interest another. But as relationships develop and deeper connections are established, people overcome this fear, trust their partner more and open up. It's normal when we just met a person and are interested in him, we want to arouse a reciprocal interest. We joke more, make up longer, choose clothes, think over words, etc. Besides, we don't know if a person can be trusted. And we don't open right away. But when we are convinced that our interest is preserved, we see a reciprocal interest and the further development of relations, it is natural that we let the person come closer and closer and gradually open up. But for some, the mere thought of opening up, getting closer seems like a nightmare. For such people, the fear of rapprochement is associated with the fear that, having revealed their true face, without maintaining the original image, they will be rejected.

Arrogant and insecure people tend to experience this type of fear of relationships. They experience any assessment, criticism in their address with great resentment and pain. Arrogance - literally "to measure high" - means that arrogant people from childhood feel the need to meet a certain standard, and if they meet it, they are loved, if not, then they are not. This is the so-called conditional love.

To open up for an arrogant person means the fear of showing himself for who he is and who may never have loved him. And the fear of pain and humiliation if he is rejected.

There is a huge need for love in such people, they dream of being loved as they are, but the practice developed over many years - to meet expectations, to seem better, smarter, to be loved - breaks their desire to be themselves, which is present in every person. Conditional love is a childhood trauma that changes a person's perception of himself and the world. A person stops believing that he can be loved just like that, and he does not need to be someone to be loved.

In a relationship, development is impossible without gradual disclosure. At arrogant people it will take more time, but the main thing for them in true love- to feel sincerity and kindness. Then they can find, in their opinion, a safe moment to begin to open up, gradually, in small steps, and the main thing in such a situation is that even if you notice it and really appreciate it, do not react violently to it, otherwise the violent reaction can be interpreted as surprise. , disappointment. React calmly, allowing the person to feel more secure, keep the process natural.

There is no place for fear and fear in a relationship. True relationships are freedom. Fear makes it impossible further development, since it makes a person close. To be free and to be happy is what every person aspires to, but does not always know exactly how to achieve this.