Rules for communicating with older children. Extra-situational cognitive form

Communication with an adult is of exceptional importance for a child at all stages of childhood. But it is especially important in the first seven years of his life, when all the foundations of the personality and activity of a growing person are laid. And The younger the child is, the more important communication with adults is for him.

A child is not born into the world with a ready need for communication. In the first two or three weeks, he does not see or perceive an adult. But, despite this, the parents constantly talk to him, caress him, catch his wandering gaze on themselves. It is thanks to the love of close adults, which is expressed in these seemingly useless actions, that at the end of the first month of life, babies begin to see an adult, and then communicate with him.

At first, this communication looks like a response to the influence of an adult: the mother looks at the child, smiles, talks to him, and he also smiles in response, waves his arms and legs. Then (at three or four months), already at the sight of a familiar person, the child rejoices, begins to actively move, walk, attract the attention of an adult, and if he does not pay any attention to him or goes about his business, he cries loudly and resentfully. The need for adult attention - the first and main need for communication - remains with the child for life. But later, other needs join it, which will be discussed later.

Some parents consider all these influences unnecessary and even harmful. In an effort not to spoil their child, not to accustom him to excessive attention, they dryly and formally fulfill their parental responsibilities: feed by the hour, swaddle, walk, etc., without expressing any parental feelings. Such a strict formal upbringing in infancy very bad. The fact is that in positive emotional contacts with an adult, not only the satisfaction of the already existing need of the baby for attention and goodwill occurs, but also the foundation for the future development of the child's personality is laid - his active, active attitude to the environment, interest in objects, the ability to see, hear, perceive the world, self-confidence. The germs of all these most important qualities appear in the most simple and seemingly primitive communication between a mother and her baby.

If, in the first year of life, a child, for some reason, does not receive sufficient attention and warmth from close adults (for example, isolation from the mother or the employment of parents), this one way or another makes itself felt in the future. Such children become constrained, passive, insecure or, on the contrary, very cruel and aggressive. Compensating for their unsatisfied need for attention and benevolence of adults at a later age can be very difficult. Therefore, parents need to understand how important the simple attention and goodwill of close adults is for the baby.

The baby does not yet distinguish individual qualities of an adult. He is completely indifferent to the level of knowledge and skills of an older person, his social or property status, he does not even care how he looks and what he is wearing. The kid is attracted only by the personality of the adult and his attitude towards him. Therefore, despite the primitiveness of such communication, it is motivated by personal motives, when an adult acts not as a means for something (games, knowledge, self-affirmation), but as an integral and self-valuable personality. As for the means of communication, they are this stage are purely expressive. Outwardly, such communication looks like an exchange of glances, smiles, cries and cooing of a child and an affectionate conversation of an adult, from which the baby catches only what he needs - attention and goodwill.

Situational-personal form of communication remains the main and only from birth to six months of life.

During this period, the communication of the infant with the adult takes place outside of any other activity and itself constitutes the leading activity of the child.

In the second half of life, with the normal development of the child, the attention of an adult is no longer enough. The kid begins to attract not so much the adult himself, but the objects associated with him. At this age it develops new form communication between a child and an adult situational business and the associated need for business cooperation. This form of communication differs from the previous one in that the adult is needed and interesting to the child not by himself, not by his attention and friendly attitude, but by the fact that he has different objects and he knows how to do something with them. "Business" qualities of an adult and, consequently, business motives of communication come to the fore.

The means of communication at this stage are also significantly enriched. The child can already walk independently, manipulate objects, take various poses. All this leads to the fact that object-effective means of communication are added to the expressive-mimic ones - children actively use gestures, postures, and expressive movements.

At first, children are drawn only to those objects and toys that adults show them. There may be many interesting toys in the room, but the children will not pay any attention to them and will start to get bored among this abundance. But as soon as an adult (or an older child) takes one of them and shows how you can play with it: move a car, how a dog can jump, how you can comb a doll, etc. - all children will be drawn to this particular toy, it will become the most necessary and interesting. This happens for two reasons.

Firstly, an adult remains the center of his preferences for the child, because of this, he endows the attractiveness of those objects that he touches. These objects become necessary and preferred because they are in the hands of an adult.

Secondly, an adult shows children how to play with these toys. By themselves, toys (as well as any objects in general) will never tell you how they can be played or used. Only another, older person can show that rings should be put on the pyramid, that the doll can be fed and put to bed, and a tower can be built from cubes. Without such a display, the child simply does not know what to do with these objects, and therefore does not reach out to them. In order for children to start playing with toys, an adult must first show what can be done with them and how to play. Only after this the children's play becomes meaningful and meaningful. Moreover, when showing certain actions with objects, it is important not only to perform them, but to constantly address the child, talk to him, look into his eyes, support and encourage his correct independent actions. Such joint games with objects and represent business conversation or cooperation between a child and an adult. The need for cooperation is fundamental to situational business communication.

The significance of such communication for the mental development of the child is enormous. It consists of the following.

Firstly, in such communication, the child masters objective actions, learns to use household items: a spoon, a comb, a pot, play with toys, dress, wash, etc.

Secondly, the activity and independence of the child begins to appear here. By manipulating objects, for the first time he feels independent of an adult and free in his actions. He becomes the subject of his activity and an independent partner in communication.

Thirdly, in situational business communication with an adult, the first words of the child appear. Indeed, in order to ask an adult for the desired item, the child needs to name it, that is, pronounce the word. Moreover, this task - to say this or that word - is again put before the child only by an adult. The child himself, without the encouragement and support of an adult, will never begin to speak. In situational business communication, an adult constantly sets a speech task for the baby: showing the child a new object, he invites him to name this object, that is, to pronounce a new word after it. Thus, in interaction with an adult about objects, the main specifically human means of communication, thinking and self-regulation arises and develops - speech.

The appearance and development of speech makes possible the next stage in the development of communication between a child and an adult, which differs significantly from the two previous ones. The first two forms of communication were situational, because the main content of this communication was directly present in a particular situation. AND good attitude of an adult, expressed in his smile and affectionate gestures (situational-personal communication), and objects in the hands of an adult that can be seen, touched, considered (situational-business communication), were next to the child, in front of his eyes.

The content of the following forms of communication is no longer limited to the visual situation, but goes beyond it. The subject of communication between a child and an adult can be such phenomena and events that cannot be seen in a particular situation of interaction. For example, they can talk about rain, about the fact that the sun is shining, about birds that flew to distant countries, about the structure of a car, etc. On the other hand, the content of communication can be their own experiences, goals and plans, relationships, memories, etc. All this also cannot be seen with the eyes and felt with the hands, however, through communication with an adult, all this becomes quite real, significant for the child. Obviously, the emergence of extra-situational communication significantly expands the horizons of the life world of a preschooler.

Extra-situational communication becomes possible only due to the fact that the child masters active speech. After all, speech is the only universal remedy, which allows a person to create stable images and ideas about objects that are absent in this moment before the eyes of the child, and act with these images and ideas that are not present in this situation of interaction. Such communication, the content of which goes beyond the perceived situation, is called out of situation .

There are two forms of off-situational communication - cognitive And personal.

In the normal course of development, cognitive communication develops by about four to five years. A clear evidence of the appearance of such communication in a child is his questions addressed to an adult. These questions are mainly aimed at clarifying the patterns of living and inanimate nature. Children of this age are interested in everything: why squirrels run away from people, why fish do not drown, and birds do not fall from the sky, what paper is made of, etc. Only an adult can give answers to all these questions. An adult becomes for preschoolers the main source of new knowledge about events, objects and phenomena occurring around.

It is interesting that children at this age are satisfied with any answers of an adult. They don't have to give scientific justification questions that interest them, and this is impossible to do, since the kids will not understand everything. It is enough just to connect the phenomenon of interest to them with what they already know and understand. For example: butterflies hibernate under the snow, they are warmer there; squirrels are afraid of hunters; paper is made from wood, etc. Such very superficial answers completely satisfy the children and contribute to the fact that they develop their own, albeit still primitive, picture of the world.

At the same time, children's ideas about the world remain in the memory of a person for a long time. Therefore, the answers of an adult should not distort reality and allow into the mind of the child all the explanatory magical powers. Although simple and accessible, these answers should reflect the real state of affairs. The main thing is that an adult answers the questions of children so that their interests do not go unnoticed. The point is that in preschool age develops new need- the need for respect from an adult. The child is no longer enough mere attention and cooperation with adults. He needs a serious, respectful attitude to his questions, interests and actions. The need for respect, for recognition by adults becomes the main need that encourages the child to communicate.

In the behavior of children, this is expressed in the fact that they begin to take offense when an adult evaluates their actions negatively, scolds, and often makes comments. If children under three or four years old, as a rule, do not respond to the comments of an adult, then at an older age they are already waiting for an assessment. It is important for them that an adult not only notices, but also praises their actions and answers their questions. If the child is too often reprimanded, constantly emphasized his inability or inability to do something, he loses all interest in this business and tries to avoid it.

The best way to teach something to a preschooler, to instill in him an interest in some kind of activity, is to encourage his success, to praise his actions. For example, what if a five-year-old child cannot draw at all?

Of course, you can objectively assess the child's abilities, constantly make comments to him, comparing his bad drawings with the good drawings of other children and encouraging him to learn to draw. But from this, he loses all interest in drawing, he will refuse the lesson that causes continuous comments and complaints from the educator. And of course, in this way, not only will he not learn to draw better, but he will avoid this occupation and dislike it.

Or, on the contrary, it is possible to form and maintain the child's faith in his abilities by praising his most insignificant successes. Even if the drawing is far from perfect, it is better to emphasize its minimal (even if not existing) merits, to show the child's ability to draw, than to give him a negative assessment. The encouragement of an adult not only inspires the child with self-confidence, but also makes the activity for which he was praised important and loved. The child, seeking to support and strengthen positive attitude and respect for an adult, will try to draw better and more. And this, of course, will bring more benefits than fear of the remarks of an adult and the consciousness of one's inability.

So, for the cognitive communication of a child with an adult, the following are characteristic:

1) good command of speech, which allows you to talk with an adult about things that are not in a particular situation;

2) cognitive motives of communication, the curiosity of children, the desire to explain the world, which is manifested in children's questions;

3) the need for respect for an adult, which is expressed in resentment at the remarks and negative assessments of the educator.

Over time, the attention of preschoolers is increasingly attracted by events taking place among the people around them. Human relations, norms of behavior, qualities of individuals begin to interest the child even more than the life of animals or natural phenomena. What is possible and what is not, who is kind and who is greedy, what is good and what is bad - these and other similar questions are already worrying older preschoolers. And the answers to them, again, can only be given by an adult. Of course, and earlier parents constantly told the children how to behave, what is possible and what is not, but the younger children only obeyed (or did not obey) the requirements of an adult. Now, at the age of six or seven, the rules of conduct, human relations, qualities, actions are of interest to the children themselves. It is important for them to understand the requirements of adults, to establish themselves in their rightness. Therefore, at older preschool age, children prefer to talk with an adult not in English. educational topics, but on personal, relating to people's lives. This is how the most complex and highest in preschool age arises. extra-situational-personal form of communication .

An adult is still a source of new knowledge for children, and children still need his respect and recognition. But it becomes very important for a child to evaluate certain qualities and actions (both his own and other children) and it is important that his attitude to certain events coincide with the attitude of an adult. The commonality of views and assessments is for the child an indicator of their correctness. It is very important for a child at an older preschool age to be good, to do everything right: to behave correctly, to correctly assess the actions and qualities of their peers, to build their relationships with adults and peers correctly.

This aspiration, of course, should be supported by parents. To do this, you need to talk with children more often about their actions and relationships with each other, to evaluate their actions. Older preschoolers still need adult encouragement and approval. But they are no longer concerned about the assessment of their specific skills, but the assessment of their moral qualities and personality as a whole. If a child is sure that an adult treats him well and respects his personality, he can calmly, in a businesslike way, treat his remarks regarding his individual actions or skills. Now a negative assessment of his drawing does not offend the child so much. The main thing is that he is generally good, so that an adult understands and shares his assessments.

The need for adult understanding distinguishing feature personal form of communication. But if an adult often tells a child that he is greedy, lazy, cowardly, etc., this can greatly offend and hurt the child, and by no means lead to the correction of negative character traits. Here again, in order to maintain the desire to be good, it will be much more useful to encourage him to do the right thing and positive qualities than condemning the shortcomings of the child.

At older preschool age, extra-situational-personal communication exists independently and is a "pure communication" that is not included in any other activity. It is motivated by personal motives when the other person attracts the child by itself. All this brings this form of communication closer to the primitive personal (but situational) communication that is observed in infants. However, the personality of an adult is perceived by a preschooler in a completely different way than by an infant. The older partner is no longer an abstract source of attention and benevolence for the child, but a concrete person with certain qualities (marital status, age, profession, etc.). All these qualities are very important for a child. In addition, an adult is a competent judge who knows "what is good and what is bad" and a role model.

Thus, for extra-situational-personal communication, which develops by the end of preschool age, the following are characteristic:

1) the need for mutual understanding and empathy;
2) personal motives;
3) speech means communication.

Extra-situational-personal communication has importance for the development of the child's personality. This meaning is as follows. First, the child consciously learns the norms and rules of behavior and begins to consciously follow them in his actions and deeds. Secondly, through personal communication, children learn to see themselves as if from the outside, which is necessary condition conscious control of their behavior. Thirdly, in personal communication, children learn to distinguish between the roles of different adults: educator, doctor, teacher, etc. - and, in accordance with this, build their relationships in different ways in communicating with them.

These are the main forms of communication between a child and an adult at preschool age. With the normal development of the child, each of these forms of communication develops at a certain age. So, the first, situational-personal form of communication arises in the second month of life and remains the only one up to six or seven months. In the second half of life, situational business communication with an adult is formed, in which the main thing for a child is a joint game with objects. This communication remains central until about four years of age. At the age of four or five years, when the child is already fluent in speech and can talk with an adult on abstract topics, extra-situational-cognitive communication becomes possible. And at the age of six, that is, by the end of preschool age, there is verbal communication with an adult on personal topics.

But this is only a general, average age sequence, reflecting the normal course of a child's development. Deviations from it for short periods (six months or a year) should not inspire concern. However, in real life, quite often one can observe significant deviations from the indicated dates for the emergence of certain forms of communication. It happens that children remain at the level of situational business communication until the end of preschool age. Quite often, preschoolers do not form speech communication on personal topics at all. And in some cases, in preschoolers of five years, situational-personal communication prevails, which is typical for infants in the first half of the year. Of course, the behavior of preschoolers in this case is not at all like that of an infant, but in essence, the attitude towards an adult and communication with him in a quite large child can be the same as in an infant.

For example, a preschooler seeks only physical contact with the teacher: hugs, kisses him, freezes with bliss when an adult strokes his head, etc. communication. The only thing he needs from an adult is his attention and goodwill. This type of communication is normal for a child of two to six months, but if it is the main one for a five-year-old child, it is alarm symptom, which indicates a serious lag in development.

Usually this lag is caused by the fact that children at an early age did not receive the personal, emotional communication they needed with an adult; it is usually observed in orphanages. Under normal upbringing conditions, this phenomenon is quite rare. But "stuck" at the level of situational business communication until the end of preschool age is more typical. It lies in the fact that children only want to play with an adult, they only care what toys the teacher will allow them to take today, what game he will offer them. They are happy to play with an adult, but avoid any conversation on cognitive and personal topics. This is natural for a child from one to three years old, but not for children five or six years old. If until the age of six the child's interests are limited to objective actions and games, and his statements concern only the surrounding objects and momentary desires, we can talk about a clear delay in the development of the child's communication with an adult.

At the same time, in some, enough rare cases The development of communication is ahead of the age of the child. For example, some children already at the age of three or four show interest in personal problems, human relationships, love and can talk about how to behave, strive to act according to the rule. In such cases, one can speak of extra-situational-personal communication already at a younger preschool age. However, such an advance is also far from always favorable. In those cases when extra-situational-personal communication occurs immediately after situational-business communication, the period of extra-situational-cognitive communication is missed, which means that the child does not form cognitive interests and the beginnings of a child's worldview.

The correct course of the development of communication lies in the consistent and full living of each form of communication at the appropriate age.

And each age, as was shown above, is characterized by the corresponding form of communication with an adult.

Of course, the presence of a leading form of communication does not at all mean that all other forms of interaction are excluded and that a child who has achieved, for example, an extra-situational-personal form of communication, should only do what to talk with an adult on personal topics. In real life, the most different types communication that comes into play depending on the situation. The ability to communicate (both in a child and in an adult) lies precisely in the extent to which a person’s behavior corresponds to the tasks and requirements of the situation, how widely he uses and varies business, cognitive and personal contacts with another person. But the level of development of communication is determined by the highest achievements of the child in the field of communication. An indicator of the development of communication is not the predominance of certain contacts, but the ability and ability to communicate in different topics, depending on the situation and on the partner.

How to teach a child to communicate

But what to do if the child is significantly behind his age in the development of communication? If at the age of four he does not know how to play together with another person, and at the age of five or six he cannot maintain a simple conversation? Is it possible to teach a child to communicate with an adult? Yes, you can. But this requires special classes aimed at developing communication. The nature of these activities depends on individual characteristics and opportunities for each child. However, despite the endless variety of specific individual lessons with children on the development of their communication, we can distinguish general principle organizing such activities. This is an advanced adult initiative. An adult should give the child examples of communication that he does not yet own. Therefore, in order to teach children this or that type of communication, you need to be able to communicate yourself. The main difficulty in conducting such classes is not just to demonstrate to the child more advanced and yet inaccessible forms of communication - cognitive and personal, but to lead the child along, include him in this communication.

This is possible only if the parent knows and understands the already existing interests and ideas of the preschooler and relies on the level of development he has already achieved. That's why it is better to start classes from the level of communication that the child has already reached, that is, from what he is interested in. This can be a joint game that the child especially likes and which he chooses himself: outdoor games, games with rules, etc. At the same time, an adult must play the role of an organizer and participant in the game: monitor compliance with the rules, evaluate the actions of children and at the same time time to get into the game. In such joint games, children feel the joy of joint activities with an adult, feel included in common occupation.

During such a game or after it, you can involve children in a conversation on cognitive topics: tell them about the life and habits of animals, about cars, about natural phenomena, etc. For example, after playing cat and mouse, you can ask children what A cat is different from a mouse and from a dog appearance and by character), where she lives, tell about wild cats. It is better to accompany the conversation with the display of pictures illustrating the content of the stories. A good visual material for such conversations can be different kinds children's lotto: zoological lotto, botanical lotto, etc.

But an adult does not just have to report interesting information, but try to include the child in the conversation, make him an equal participant in the conversation. To do this, you need to ask children more often about their knowledge, guide them to the correct answers, and stimulate their own questions. It is important that an adult supports and encourages any cognitive activity on the part of children, any manifestations of curiosity: praised for interesting questions and always answered them, supported all active statements concerning the main topic of the conversation. Such a conversation can last from 5 to 15 minutes, depending on the desire of the children themselves. It is important that during this time the topic of conversation remains constant. Children's picture books that contain new information (about cars, animals, etc.) can be used as a basis for conversation. However, it is important to remember here that the task of such classes is not only to communicate new knowledge to children, but, most importantly, to develop their ability to communicate on cognitive topics. Therefore, questions that are too complex and inaccessible to children should not be chosen. It is better to select topics that are interesting to the children themselves and about which they already have their own knowledge and ideas, allowing them to be equal participants in the conversation.

The peculiarity of these formative activities lies in the fact that the cognitive material becomes the center of the situation of communication, creates a community of the child and the adult. Attachment and a positive attitude towards an adult should be manifested through the participation of the child in the discussion of cognitive content. To do this, you need to gradually reduce joint games with elements of cognitive communication to special classes where only those statements and actions of children that are relevant to the topic under discussion are supported and encouraged.

A good support for cognitive communication can be not only illustrative material (books, pictures), but also past experience the child himself. The involvement of his impressions in a conversation with an adult is usually initiated by the child himself. Looking at pictures, for example, children like to remember where they saw such animals or birds, where they went with their parents, etc. Encouraging and developing such statements, an adult should ensure that the child does not deviate from the main topic of the conversation and does not reduce informative conversation to talk about the events of his life.

In a different way, the formation of personal communication occurs. Here it is important to create conditions that make the child evaluate and realize their own and other people's actions and deeds. At first, the conversation with the child may be based on his specific substantive actions. At the same time, an adult must express and justify his attitude to the results of children's activities, but without imposing it as the only one and without suppressing the initiative of children. In the future, this ability to express and justify one's opinion, to compare oneself with others, needs to be filled with personal content.

After that, you can offer the child a conversation on personal topics. It is advisable to start by reading and discussing children's books about events in the lives of children: about their conflicts, relationships, actions. Good material for such conversations, stories for children by L. N. Tolstoy, L. Panteleev or fairy tales can serve, in which the moral assessment of certain qualities and actions of the characters comes out especially clearly.

After reading such a book, you can ask the child which of the characters he liked the most and why, whom he would like to be like. If the child cannot answer such questions, the adult himself must express his opinion and justify it.

It is important that the child himself still try to comprehend and evaluate human actions and relationships. Gradually, you can translate the conversation from a particular book to any common theme concerning the life of the child and the children around him. So, you can ask which of his friends the characters in the book remind him of, how he would act in this or that situation. In other words, an adult must show the child that in the life around him, in his relations with the children, you can see the same problems as in the books he read. At the same time, an adult should not only ask the child, but also be an active participant in the conversation: express his opinion about the conflicts and events taking place in a group of children, talk about himself, about his acquaintances.

Interest in the opinion of an adult is usually clearly manifested in the child's behavior: in his look into his eyes, in his concentration on the words of an adult, in the child's answers to all the questions and statements of the educator. Based on the specific stories described in the books, you can transfer the conversation to the most common human topics. At the same time, as in the case of the formation of cognitive communication, it is important that the topic of conversation remains constant throughout the lesson. This is especially difficult for five or six year olds. If in the previous case this topic was supported by visual material (pictures, illustrations), then here there is no such visual support and cannot be. Therefore, you need to think in advance and prepare several personal topics that are necessarily related to real life child, with what he can recognize in himself and in those around him. These can be topics about the qualities of peers (about kindness, stubbornness, greed), about events in a child’s life (going to work with dad, watching a movie, etc.), about various professions adults and about those qualities and skills that require the profession of a doctor, teacher, artist.

The duration of such a personal conversation should be determined by the child himself. If you feel that the child is burdened by the conversation and cannot be interested, it is better to stop such an activity or transfer it to the game.

The formation of personal communication can be included in everyday life child, in his game, classes, communication with friends. But for this it is important to constantly draw the attention of the child to himself, to his inner life: what are you doing now, what mood are you in, why did you do (or say) what you will do later, etc. Asking such questions, an adult gives the child the opportunity to look into himself, try to understand and evaluate his actions, attitudes, intentions. The significance of these questions (and, of course, the answers) is not even in the fact that they reveal some already established attitudes and intentions, but in the fact that these questions make the preschooler think about himself, formulate, and therefore, in many respects form your own attitude, intention, action.

So, we talked about possible and proven ways to form the most difficult types of communication with adults for preschoolers. The techniques described are not the only possible ones, since each time you have to take into account the behavior specific child, his attitude to previous classes, his character traits. But I would like to emphasize once again the importance of communication between a child and an adult.

It may be objected that it is good to engage in such conversations when there are no other worries. But what if the child does not obey, does not respect adults, is outrageous, rude, etc.? That's where the real life problems! But the fact is that all these problems are somehow connected with the relationship between children and adults, and therefore with their communication. If parents understand the child well, know what interests him, know how to find simple, intelligible words and ways of influencing, many problems may not arise. At the same time, it is not at all necessary to drop everything and arrange special "sessions" of communication. After all, you can talk about something important at lunch, and on the way to kindergarten, and on a walk, and before going to bed. This does not take much time, but you need attention to the little person, respect for his interests, understanding of his experiences.

Many of our accusations and demands arise as a result of the fact that we, parents, have a poor understanding of the psychology of the baby and think that a preschooler should have the same views on life, the same opportunities and needs as adults. But this is far from true. By developing communication, an adult not only teaches the child new types of interaction with other people, not only facilitates his contacts with others, but also contributes to the formation of his spiritual life, opens up new facets of external and inner world, shapes his personality.

The development of the personality of a preschooler in communication with an adult

Speaking of a person's personality, we always mean his leading life motives, subjugating others. Each person always has something most important, for which you can sacrifice everything else. And the more clearly a person realizes what is most important for him, the more persistently he strives for this, the more his behavior is volitional. We are talking about the volitional qualities of a person in cases where a person not only knows what he wants, but stubbornly and persistently achieves his goal himself, when his behavior is not chaotic, but directed towards something.

If there is no such direction, if individual impulses are adjacent and enter into a simple interaction, a person's behavior will be determined not by himself, but by external circumstances. In this case, we have a picture of the disintegration of the personality, a return to purely situational behavior, which is normal for a child of two or three years old, but should cause anxiety at older ages. That is why the period in the development of the child is so important, when there is a transition from situational behavior, dependent on external circumstances, to volitional, which is determined by the person himself. This period falls on preschool childhood(from three to seven years).

By the age of two or three, the child has already come a long way in his mental development. He already moves freely in space, speaks well, understands the speech of others, consciously guided (or just as consciously not guided) by the requirements and instructions of adults, shows a certain initiative and independence. At the same time to the end early age he remains, as it were, at the mercy of external impressions. His experiences and his behavior depend entirely on what he perceives here and now. It is easy to attract him to something, but just as easy to distract him. If, for example, the baby wept bitterly after losing a toy, he can be easily comforted by offering a new one. This situational nature of two-three-year-old children is explained by the fact that no relationship has yet been established between the motives that induce the child's actions. All of them are equivalent, equal and adjacent. The child's motives are determined from outside, independently of him. The greater or lesser significance of an object can be determined by the biological needs of the baby.

For example, when a child wants to sleep badly, he will act up, yawn and pay no attention to anything. And if he wants to eat, he will be drawn to any edible and tasty object. Adults can also direct and organize his actions by suggesting interesting toys or lessons. But in all cases, a small child himself still does not decide what is more important for him, what, how and in what sequence he should do. The behavior of the child himself does not yet form any sustainable system. That's why up to three years, he cannot consciously sacrifice something attractive for the sake of another, more significant goal, but even his strong chagrin can be easily dispelled by some trifle: to offer new toy or pick up and spin.

After the age of three, children can already hold on to more distant goals and achieve them by performing actions that are not very attractive. They are already able to do something not just like that, but for something (or someone). And this is possible only if the child keeps the connection (or ratio) individual motives if specific actions are included in broader and more meaningful motives. Such inclusion of the goal of a particular action in some other, more attractive motive sets the meaning of this action.

So, starting from three years of age children develop a more complex internal organization of behavior. The child's activity is more and more stimulated and directed no longer by separate random impulses that alternate or come into conflict with each other, but by a certain subordination of the motives of individual actions. Now the child can strive to achieve a goal that in itself is not very attractive to him, for the sake of something else. As a result, his individual actions may acquire for him a more complex, as it were, reflected meaning, which is determined by something else. For example, an undeserved candy takes on the meaning of its own failure, and uninteresting cleaning in the room can be comprehended through the joy of receiving a doll as a gift. Such a connection between individual actions is extremely important for the formation of the child's personality. From these nodules begins to intertwine general pattern, against which the main semantic lines of human life, characterizing his personality, stand out.

Thanks to this, the ability to comprehend their actions appears. True, this ability does not arise immediately and requires the help and support of adults.

The main strategy for helping children is to keep an attractive motive and its connection with a specific, perhaps not very interesting action.

For example, you want to teach your child to do something interesting and useful, let's say weaving paper rugs from colorful stripes. He also wants to make a rug like this, but for this he needs to cut out a lot of strips of paper, and this is not so exciting. He quickly loses interest in this boring activity and forgets why they are needed. Together you can keep the meaning of his actions. Try to help him see the future beautiful rug behind these monotonous stripes.

This can be done in words, reminding him that each strip is needed for the rug, or by placing a sample in front of his eyes, or by laying out the cut strips in a certain sequence. It is important that the child does not lose the goal and that each strip cut with difficulty is a step for him to achieve what he has conceived and decided. After all, even boring and monotonous actions can become exciting if they are aimed at achieving an attractive goal.

For younger preschoolers (three or four years old), adult help is needed here. Only he will help children to keep the meaning of their actions. Older children can be helped by some subject related to the content of the actions, for example, Teddy bear, for which the rug is being prepared, or cups that will stand on our rug. These objects, even in the absence of an adult, will remind of the distant goal of his actions and make them meaningful.

The attitude of preschoolers to the proposed work and its success depend on how clear its meaning is for them. Studies have shown that the process and result of manufacturing the same item (flag or napkin) significantly depend on who this item is intended for. Flag as a gift little brother even three-year-olds did very hard work. But when the same flag was made as a gift to their grandmother, the children quickly stopped working, because it did not make sense to them. With a napkin, everything was the opposite: the children willingly cut it out as a gift to their grandmother and refused to make it for the kids.

Thus, if the connection between the action and the result of the action is clear to the child and relies on his life experience, even before the action begins, he imagines the meaning of his future product and emotionally tunes in to the process of its manufacture. In cases where this connection is not established, the action is meaningless for the child, and he either does it badly or avoids it altogether.

If you want to educate a child industriousness, perseverance and accuracy (and at preschool age it is already time to think about this), remember that your calls, moralizing and positive examples most likely will not work. Take better care that the meaning of the child's actions is completely clear to him, and the result is desirable and attractive. So that he clearly imagines for what (or for whom) he is doing something. How exactly to do this is not an easy question. Each time it is solved differently and each time it requires your ingenuity.

Take, for example, the traditional problem of cleaning up scattered toys. Most parents dream of teaching their children to clean up their toys, but few succeed in doing this. Explanations and calls for cleanliness and accuracy, as a rule, do not help. The fact is that this action (cleaning the room) remains meaningless for most preschoolers. It is difficult for them to understand why this should be done, because in next time when we play, everything will be scattered again. Adults have nothing to oppose to this iron logic, and their calls for cleanliness and order remain incomprehensible and meaningless for a preschooler: order in the house is not as unconditional a value for him as for an adult. You can explain for as long as you like that there should be order in the group and that it is time to clean up the toys yourself, but these explanations will remain an empty phrase, since they do not affect the semantic sphere of the preschooler. And in order to touch it, you need to think and find what is really important and significant for the child (and not for you).

If a girl likes to play with dolls, convince her that her daughter (doll) cannot play with scattered toys, she is very upset when the room is a mess, and rejoices if everything is in its place. You will have to portray the joy and grief of the doll with maximum persuasiveness. The same doll, with your help, can tensely and expressively observe how the cleaning is going on, and rejoice at every correct action. If the boy likes to walk, explain that the walk will only be possible if all the toys are in their places - they need to rest and sit in their houses. You can also promise that the child will get something interesting and important (a new car or a picture) if he cleans up quickly and well. Just do not need to show the reward in advance, before the task is completed - this can distract the child from the desired activity.

Options can be very different. It is only important that the child understand why he needs to do this not very attractive thing, so that he comprehends it through something more important and desirable. This technique allows preschoolers to activate emotional imagination, which contributes to the fact that children imagine and experience the long-term consequences of their actions in advance, they have an emotional anticipation (affect) of the results of their actions. At preschool age, this is already possible.

If up to three years of age, affects and experiences arise at the end of an action as an assessment of the perceived situation and the result already achieved, then at preschool age they can appear before the action is performed, in the form of an emotional anticipation of its possible consequences. Such emotional anticipation allows the child not only to imagine the results of his actions, but also to feel in advance the meaning that they will have for others and for himself. Obviously, emotional anticipation allows the child to subordinate his random, momentary desires to what is more important to him.

The game can provide invaluable assistance in this. Any game always contains rules that limit the impulsive actions of the child and require obedience to the established game laws (after all, the rule is the law of the game, without which it cannot take place). Play continuously creates situations that require the child to act not on an immediate impulse, but along the line of greatest resistance. The specific pleasure of playing is associated with overcoming immediate urges, with obedience to the rule contained in the role.

E. V. Subbotsky: "... If a child has not learned to play, if he is not attracted to toys, if he cannot create role-playing game, to attract his friends to her, such a baby will not have success in "serious" activities. The game is a special, necessary for normal development child's school."

If a girl plays "mom", she should not leave her children, even if she is tired of them and wants to run; if a boy plays hide-and-seek, he should not peep who is hiding where, even if you really want to know. For a child under three years old, this is almost impossible. After three or four years it is possible, but very difficult. However, given that the preschooler loves and wants to play and, as a rule, understands what and how he plays, he should not be forced to act correctly. He himself, voluntarily assumes the obligation to fulfill game rules, which means that he, of his own free will, limits his impulsive activity and restrains his immediate desires in order for the game to take place.

Moreover, this self-restraint in the game, that is, the observance of the rules, brings maximum pleasure to the preschooler. If someone breaks these rules, the game just falls apart and the children experience obvious frustration. Thus, in play, children freely and naturally do what is not yet available to them in a domestic or educational situation.

Numerous studies by psychologists have shown that in the game children are far ahead of their capabilities: what a preschooler is able to do in a game, he will not soon be able to do in a non-play situation. Thus, one study compared the ability of preschoolers to voluntary behavior in the game and outside the game. In particular, the child's ability to voluntarily maintain a pose of immobility, which is quite difficult for preschoolers. In one situation, children played the role of a sentry in collective game; in another, the adult simply asked the child, in the presence of the whole group, to stand motionless for as long as possible. The criterion for completing the task was the time during which the children could hold the "soldier" position. The results of the comparison eloquently showed that the duration of maintaining the immobility posture in the situation of performing the role is significantly longer than in the situation of the direct task. This advantage is especially great in children of four to six years. Moreover, in the presence of a group, the posture of the sentry was performed longer and more strictly than in a situation of loneliness.

In another study, it was shown that, playing the role of a student, four-five-year-old children are ready for quite a long time to perform a task that is not very attractive for them - copying copybooks, drawing circles, etc.

Experienced teachers actively use this feature of preschoolers. There is, for example, such a case. Returning from a long walk, the children complained of being tired, some refused to go, referring to the fact that "the legs hurt." Then the teacher suggested that they play swift-footed deer, which proudly gallop through the mountains. Forgetting about fatigue, the children rushed forward and quickly ran to the kindergarten.

What is the reason for such a "magical" effect of the role? Undoubtedly great importance here is the motivation of activity. The performance of a role is extremely attractive to the child, the role has a stimulating effect on the performance of those actions in which it finds its embodiment. Not too attractive before action become meaningful and take on a new meaning.

In addition, the model contained in the role becomes the standard with which the child compares his behavior, independently controlling it. Arbitrary behavior is characterized not only by the presence of a pattern, but also by the presence of control over the implementation of this pattern. The child in the game not only performs an attractive action, but also controls its implementation. Of course, this is not yet conscious control. The control function is still very weak and requires support from the participants in the game (adults and peers). But the meaning of the game is that this function is born here. Therefore, the game is called the "school of arbitrary behavior."

The game is the activity in which the motivational sphere is formed as intensively as possible. At the beginning of preschool age, the child does not yet know public relations adults or social roles, no sense of relationships between people. He acts in the direction of his desire (to be like an adult) and objectively puts himself in the position of an adult. At the same time, there is an emotionally effective orientation in the relationships and meanings of the activities of adults. Awareness and understanding here follow emotions and actions. Therefore, in the game there is an awareness of one's place in the system. human relations and the desire to be an adult (to be older, better, smarter, stronger, etc.). It is important to emphasize that this desire is precisely the result of the game, and not its starting point.

This is the obvious advice: play with your child as much and as often as possible. An ordinary children's game (role-playing or with a rule) cannot be replaced by a video recorder with cartoons, a computer with diggers, or the most intricate designer. Because in the game the child needs to control his behavior and understand what he is doing and why.

Of course, at preschool age, the formation of personality and the orientation of motives is far from over. During this period, the child is just beginning to independently determine his actions. But if, with your help, he can do something not too attractive for the sake of some other, more significant goal, this is already clear sign that he has volitional behavior. However, your help must be precise and subtle. Don't force him to do what he doesn't want! Your task here is not to break or overcome the desires of the child, but to help him understand (realize) his desires and keep them despite situational circumstances. But the child must do the work himself. Not under your pressure or pressure, but according to own will and decision. Only such assistance can contribute to the formation of his own personality traits.

If your child cries often, is afraid to be alone in dark room, falls asleep for a long time, emotionally experiences extraordinary situations, painfully reacts to sudden changes in plans or daily routine, most likely, he belongs to the anxious-suspectful type of children. For such a child, even the hypothetical possibility of meeting unkind person on the street can scare and make you worry in advance.

It is very important not to aggravate the situation by painting the world in black colors, but to gently explain that there are situations when you need to behave in a strictly defined way. To make it easier for the baby to imagine and - which is especially important for such children - to survive a similar situation, you can play role-playing games. Take toys (like dolls, or Stuffed Toys) and play all the options for possible communication with strangers. For example: you have a fox in your hands, which refers to the doll in the hands of your child with the words: “ Hello, what a nice weather today!"And the answer options:" Hello, I also like it when the sun is outside", and goes to mom ...

Or this option: Hello! Would you like me to show you the goldfish? They live at my house!"The answer to such a proposal should be unambiguous:" There is my mom (dad) and she forbids me to leave with strangers. If you don't move away, I will scream". This is not a reinsurance: no well-intentioned adult would make such an offer to a child.

Having lost everything with the baby possible options, you will help him understand that there is nothing wrong with adequate communication with adults, and how earlier kid learn to do it the better. For anxious children, even ordinary communication with other adults can be a test: it is difficult for them to make the usual request to a kindergarten teacher, not to mention asking something from a completely different person. stranger on the street.

In general, you should explain to the child that if, for example, he gets lost, it is best to approach a person in uniform with a question, be it a policeman, a station attendant in the subway, or even a salesman in a store. To respond to the proposal of strangers to take him home, the child should only do this: "I will stand here and wait for my mother." At attempts to take him somewhere by force, the child must respond with a loud cry.

hyperactive children

Such children, due to their temperament, are not able to sit in one place for a long time, they tend to quickly forget what they were taught, so do not be afraid to once again repeat the basic rules of behavior and communication with adults. By virtue of his superficial activity, such a child can thoughtlessly enthusiastically follow other people's adults to “see rabbits” or accept an offer to “drive a car,” or, by virtue of the same qualities, offend a benevolent adult with a rude answer. In order to teach a hyperactive baby to navigate the situation correctly, it is very desirable for him to work out in a group with a psychologist, where, with the help of specially selected and adjusted exercises, they will help to concentrate and be careful at the right time.

Refuse not to offend

At first, an indicator of character heightened attention to the baby is your own reaction. If a guy sitting opposite in the subway makes faces at your child, and, when leaving, waves his hand, saying goodbye, you should not look at him like a wolf, assuming a maniac in him. Most likely he just good mood and he just shares it with others. If you watch what is happening with a smile, the baby, having caught your reaction, will relax and participate with pleasure in the proposed game of “staring”.

It is a completely different matter if the aunt sitting next to him offers the baby a candy or a cake. In this case, seize the initiative and even if you are sure of her good intentions, try to refuse. There is a universal answer: “Thank you very much, but we can’t have a lot of sweets,” while smiling and speaking as kindly as possible so as not to offend the person: most likely, they are driven by sincere sympathy. So the baby will form a reaction of refusing such treats, and in a polite and even friendly manner.

good advice

Walking with a child on the street, for example, on a playground, it happens to listen to “good” advice from strangers- how to respond to them? If the advice is good, then everything is clear: "Thank you very much, I probably will." With this reaction, you will teach your child to listen to other people's opinions and admit their mistakes.

It happens that others begin to openly be rude or insist on certain actions. In this case, it is best to simply step aside, remembering to say firmly but calmly: “Next time we will keep this in mind. Thank you".

It happens that the parents of other children suddenly start yelling at your child, making impolite remarks to him, etc. Even if your baby is wrong, do not leave the situation without comment, stop the adult, apologize in the end. And then be sure to try to understand the situation, ask the child what happened? And if he really was wrong, discuss the situation, try to figure out together what should have been done in this situation.

It is important that the child understands that adults can be wrong too. Children acutely feel injustice and if you teach them to respond adequately (for example, with the phrase “Don’t yell at me, let’s figure it out”), this will be very useful to him in the future.

A role model has always been, is and will be the behavior of parents. If you are unfriendly, impolite, closed to communication with strangers, the child will copy your behavior to the smallest detail. Of course, this will protect him in many ways, but it will also deprive him of a lot ... If you are emotionally open, sociable, always ready to help others, your child, even if he was born with a different temperament, will perceive the world just as joyfully and openly! Let's search golden mean and strive for harmony!

Parents should understand that at each age their children are different. Over the years, their views and life priorities change. Accordingly, in order to behave correctly with children at different ages, you need to understand what they are like in certain years.

Between the ages of 18 and 29, children go through many changes. They choose and receive a profession, a place of residence. Their interests, hobbies, etc. are also determined. Such adult children have to take a lot important decisions. At this time, parents must understand and learn that it is time to let go of their child. He is ready to live his life, the time has come for this. Parents should follow a few basic principles in dealing with children of this age.
First, moms and dads need to understand that kids are old enough to make their own decisions. However, you may not agree with many of these decisions. This does not mean that the children do not love you anymore. They just have the right to make their choice and act according to their views. They must go their own way.
Secondly, you should not give such children advice if they themselves do not ask for it. If you don't like something, it's best to just shut up. If you constantly try to prompt and help in everything, then you will be perceived as a grumbler.

Parents should simply and easily perceive various shocks. Often, the behavior of children, their statements and actions shock parents, during whose youth such things were unacceptable. If something bothers you, you should not pay attention to it. Children at this age should not be told what to wear, where to go.
Even if children ask for your advice, don't expect them to follow it exactly. Most likely they need your opinion in order to consider the problem with different side. You have been asked - you say what you think, but do not force them to do as you see fit. Always leave the choice to the child.
Always try to instill optimism in your children. They must understand that no matter what, you are always ready to support them, no matter what path they choose.

Parents should understand that the children have already departed, they have their own life. So it's time to make your own.
Children who are between 30 and 39 years old usually already have their own families and their own children. So the tactics of behavior again need to be changed.

Remember that by this time your children have already developed their own life principles, which you must respect. However, they will not necessarily be the same as yours. Just accept them and understand. Coming to the children, behave like a guest who respects the owners of the house.

At this age, you can safely offer children practical help. For example, to sit with grandchildren. It will be pleasant for you, and for children and grandchildren.

Do not forget that advice should not be given if the children do not ask you for it.

Children over 40 sometimes already have their grandchildren. So you understand how absurd it is to perceive them as small and helpless children in need of advice. Although, it is at this age that children often need the advice of their parents, as they begin to realize that they have become more like their moms and dads than they themselves expected.

At this age, children do not mind if you share your experience with them. It does not need to be done in the form of moralizing. Just tell me what and how you did in similar situations. When a child wants to talk to you, don't give too much advice or comment. Just listen, most likely, this is what your child needs. Now you can safely ask your children for help. By this time, you and the children have practically switched places. They should take care of you, help and even advise you.

Hello Tatiana.

Since adults, communicating with a child, always evaluate how well he is brought up, polite and restrained children have always been considered a reason for pride among parents. Everyone, as best he can, teaches his child from childhood to be educated and show respect for adults. It is the attitude towards adults in many cultures of the world that is considered the most important indicator of a person's upbringing. A civilized person must be educated, and education begins precisely from childhood.

The child must understand what exactly is the difference between adults and his peers. Parents should not only talk about this with their children, but also demonstrate by their own example the difference in behavior with people of different ages. It is difficult for children to understand how to behave with adults in a given situation, therefore, it is necessary to lay the foundations of behavior and communication with elders in their heads so that they do not go beyond acceptable boundaries in different situations.

Basics of communication with elders

• In all situations, the child should behave with restraint with adults. A warning position does not allow the child to take the initiative in communication. It is permissible to answer questions in a polite and restrained manner. However, when communicating with family, relatives and friends, there is nothing wrong with the fact that the child will take the initiative and ask, "How are you?" from a well-known adult (grandfather, father, uncle, family friend, etc.).
• Appeal to adults should only be “you”, but again, a baby may well address close relatives to “you”, and there is nothing wrong or shameful in this. "Hello", "bye" are phrases for peers and family members, and for strangers adults - "Hello", "goodbye".
• The child should greet first, regardless of which of the elders is standing in front of him - the father or the unfamiliar oncoming one, with whom the mother stopped to talk. It is not at all necessary to enter into a dialogue after this, but the greeting should come from the youngest.
• Well-bred children never interrupt adults if there is a lively conversation going on between them. It does not matter whether the topic concerns the child himself or the subject of conversation is far from the baby, whether the baby has a comment, or he just wants to say something from himself. You can speak only after turning to the child, when he is asked a question or the elders want to hear the opinion of the little interlocutor.

In exceptional cases, when the baby needs to say something, he can insert phrases into the adult dialogue: "Sorry, I need to say something", "I'm sorry, can I interrupt you", etc. Some parents even develop a certain system of signals if the child needs to say something very urgently. For example, a baby may squeeze his mother's hand, letting her know that he has some urgent business for her.

• In a dialogue with adults, children should be extremely restrained, speak without indulging, without grimacing. In conversations with elders, educated children often use polite words.
• Children should never argue with adults, and even more so it is unacceptable to enter into any conflicts. The child must be taught that if he does not agree with something, then it is not necessary to “agree” in everything. It is necessary to listen calmly, let the elder finish the monologue, and after that it is very correct to express your opinion, albeit the opposite.
• Adult help will never cease to be relevant. Hold the door for an elderly person, give way to a seat in public transport or on a street bench, give a hand to pedestrian crossing- even the smallest can do it.

It is very important to teach the child not only the rules of communication with elders, but also the precautions. Don't forget to tell your children how to behave with strangers that there are not only "good" adults, but also "bad" ones who have malicious intent. Give examples to children, conduct experiments more often, asking him how he would behave in a given situation. Such work will not go unnoticed, and the child will not only be educated and polite, but also knowledgeable.

Sincerely, Natalia.