Bad advice. Grigory Oster
Grigory Oster
BAD ADVICE 1, 2, 3, 4
A book for naughty children and their parents
Recently, scientists discovered that there are naughty children in the world who do everything the other way around. They are given useful advice: "Wash in the morning" - they take and do not wash. They are told: "Hello to each other" - they immediately begin not to say hello. Scientists came up with the idea that such children should be given not useful, but harmful advice. They will do the opposite, and it will turn out just right.
This book is for naughty children.
lost child
Must remember that it
Take you home as soon as
He will give his address.
Gotta act smarter
Say: "I live
Near a palm tree with a monkey
On distant islands.
lost child,
If he's not stupid
Don't miss the right opportunity
AT different countries visit.
Hands never anywhere
Don't touch anything.
Don't get mixed up in anything
And don't go anywhere.
Step aside silently
Stand humble in a corner
And stand quietly, without moving,
Until your old age.
Who did not jump from the window
Together with my mother's umbrella,
That dashing skydiver
Doesn't count yet.
Don't fly like a bird
Above the excited crowd
Don't put him in the hospital
With a bandaged leg.
If the whole family swim
You went to the river
Don't interfere with mom and dad
Sunbathing on the beach.
Don't make a cry
Let adults rest.
without touching anyone,
Try to drown.
There is no more pleasant occupation
What to pick in the nose.
Everyone is terribly interested
What is hidden inside.
Who hates to look
Let him not look.
We do not climb into his nose,
Let him not come.
If your mother caught you
For what you love,
For example, for drawing
In the hallway on the wallpaper
Explain to her what it is
Your surprise for March 8th.
The painting is called:
"Dear mommy portrait."
Don't take someone else's
Strangers are looking at you.
Let them close their eyes
Or they'll go out for a while.
And why be afraid of your own!
They won't talk about their own.
Let them look. Grab someone else's
And take him to yours.
Never stupid questions
Don't ask yourself
And not even more stupid
You will find the answer to them.
If stupid questions
Appeared in my head
Ask them immediately to adults.
Let them brainstorm.
visit often
Theater buffet.
There are cream cakes
Bubble water.
Like firewood on plates
Chocolates are lying
And through the tube
Drink a milkshake.
Don't ask for tickets
To the balcony and to the stalls,
Let them give you tickets
To the theater cafeteria.
Leaving the theater
Take it with you
Under a trembling heart
In the stomach, a sandwich.
Born a girl - be patient
Footboards and kicks.
And substitute pigtails for everyone,
Who pull them is not averse.
But sometime later
Show them the cookie
And you say: "Figures, for you
I won't get married!"
If you and your friends are together
Have fun in the yard
And in the morning they put on you
Your new coat
It's not worth crawling in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb the fences
hanging on nails.
So as not to spoil and not to dirty
Your new coat
We need to make it old.
This is done like this:
Get right into the puddle
Roll on the ground
And a little on the fence
Hang on nails.
Will be old very soon
Your new coat
Now you can calmly
Have fun in the yard.
You can safely crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb the fences
hanging on nails.
If you're down the hall
Ride your bike
And towards you from the bathroom
Dad went out for a walk
Don't turn into the kitchen
The kitchen has a solid refrigerator.
Brake better in dad.
Dad is soft. He will forgive.
If you are forever rallied,
Illuminated and lead
Don't try to dodge
From movement to celebration.
All the same, it will raise to work
And inspire to a feat
you great and mighty,
And our stronghold.
The main business of your life
Can become any trifle.
You just have to firmly believe
There is nothing more important.
And then it won't hurt
You are neither cold nor hot,
Breathless with delight
Deal with bullshit.
Beat the frogs with sticks.
It is very interesting.
Tear off the wings of the flies
Let them run on foot.
Train daily
And a happy day will come -
you to some kingdom
Accepted as the chief executioner.
Girls should never
Nowhere to notice.
And don't let them pass
Nowhere and never.
They need to put their feet up
Frighten from around the corner
So that they immediately understand:
You don't care about them.
I met a girl - quickly to her
Show your tongue.
Let her not think
That you are in love with her.
Starting a fight with dad
Starting a fight with mom
Try to surrender to your mother
The Pope takes no prisoners.
By the way, ask your mom
Didn't she forget?
Prisoners beat with a belt on the pope
Banned by the Red Cross.
If you are the whole world of violence
Gonna destroy
And at the same time you dream of becoming
Everything without being anything
Feel free to follow us
On the paved road
We are this way for you
We may even give up.
Don't settle for anything
With no one and never
And those who agree with you
Call cowardly.
For this, everyone will start you
Love and respect.
And everywhere you will have
Full of friends.
If there are cockroaches in the kitchen
Marching on the table
And satisfied with the mice
On the floor training battle
So it's time for you
Stop fighting for peace
And throw all your strength
To fight for purity.
If you are going to a friend
1
If a friend's birthday
invited you to my place,
You leave a gift at home -
Useful for yourself.
Try to sit next to the cake.
Don't get into conversations.
you while talking
Eat half as much sweets.
Choose smaller pieces
To swallow faster.
Don't grab the salad with your hands
You can scoop up more with a spoon.
If they suddenly give nuts,
Rash them carefully in your pocket,
But do not hide the jam there -
It will be difficult to take out.
Starting a fight with dad
Starting a fight with mom
Try to surrender to mama
The Pope takes no prisoners.
By the way, find out from your mother:
Didn't she forget
Prisoners to beat with a belt on the pope
Banned by the Red Cross.
3
Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white coat.
Lei gently juice on the cloak -
Get a stain.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's coat
The cloak must be put entirely
In thick cherry juice.
Take mother's cherry cloak
And a mug of milk.
Pour milk gently -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's coat
The cloak must be put entirely
In a bowl of milk.
Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white coat.
Lay gently...
4
There is reliable way dad
Forever crazy.
Tell dad honestly.
What were you doing yesterday.
If he is able to
Stay on your feet
Explain what to do
Tomorrow you think.
And when with a crazy look
Dad will sing songs
Call the emergency
Her phone number is zero three.
If to dad or mom
An adult aunt came
And leads some important
And a serious conversation
Necessary behind unnoticed
sneak up on her and then
Shout loudly in your ear:
- Stop! Give up! Hands up!
And when from the chair aunt
Falls down with a fright
And spill it on your dress
Tea, compote or jelly,
It must be very loud
Mom will laugh
And being proud of your child,
Dad will shake your hand.
Papa will take you by the shoulder
And lead somewhere.
It's probably there for a very long time.
Dad will praise you.
6
If you are not firmly
Chose a path in life
And you don't know why
Start your labor path
Beat the light bulbs in the porches -
People will tell you, "Thank you."
you help the people
Save electricity.
If you are invited to dinner
Proudly hide under the sofa
And lie there quietly
Not to be found right away.
And when from under the sofa
They will drag by the legs,
Break out and bite
Don't give up without a fight.
If they do get you
And they will put you at the table,
Drop the cup
Pour the soup on the floor.
Cover your mouth with your hands
Fall down from the chair.
And throw the cutlets up,
Let them stick to the ceiling.
In a month people will say
Yours sincerely:
- He looks thin and frail,
But the character is strong.
If you walked in a hat,
And then she disappeared
Don't worry, at home mom
You can lie about something.
But try to lie beautifully
To look admiringly
Hold your breath, mom
I listened to lies for a long time.
But if you lied,
About the lost hat
That her in an unequal battle
Took your spy away
Try to mom
Didn't go to get angry
to foreign intelligence,
They don't understand her there.
Do you need an answer?
Well, keep answering.
Don't shake, don't whine, don't mumble,
Never hide your eyes.
For example, my mother asked:
- Who scattered the toys?
Tell me it's dad
He brought his friends.
Did you fight with your younger brother?
Say he's the first
Kicked you in the neck
And swore like a bandit.
If they ask: - Who is in the kitchen
Have you bitten all the meatballs?
Say that the neighbor's cat
Or maybe a neighbor.
Whatever you're guilty of
Learn to answer.
For their actions each
I must boldly answer.
10
To kick out of the apartment
Various flies and mosquitoes
Gotta pull down the curtain
And spin over your head.
Pictures will fly from the walls,
Flowers from the window sill.
Tumbling TV
The chandelier will crash into the parquet.
And escaping from the roar.
mosquitoes will scatter
And frightened flies
A flock will rush to the south.
Never allow
Put yourself a thermometer
And don't swallow pills
And don't eat powders.
Let the stomach and teeth hurt
Throat, ears, head,
Don't take medicine anyway
And don't listen to the doctor.
The heart will stop beating
But for sure
They won't stick a mustard plaster on you
And they won't inject.
If you are in the hospital
And you don't want to lie there
Wait until your room
Most chief physician will come.
Bite it - and immediately
Your cure is over
The same evening from the hospital
They'll take you home.
If you broke a window
Do not rush to confess.
Wait, won't it start
Suddenly civil war.
Artillery will strike
Glass will fly out everywhere
And no one will scold
For a broken window.
14
If you stayed at home
Alone without parents
I can offer you
An interesting game.
Called "Courageous Chef"
Or "brave chef".
The essence of the game in preparation
All kinds of delicious food.
I suggest to start
Here is such a simple recipe:
Need in daddy's shoes
Pour out mother's perfume
And then these shoes
Apply shaving cream
And pour them with fish oil
With black ink in half,
Throw in the soup that mama
Prepared in the morning.
And cook with the lid closed
Roughly seventy minutes.
What will you find out
When the adults arrive.
If your friend is the best
Slipped and fell
Point your finger at a friend
And grab your stomach...
Let him see, lying in a puddle, -
You are not upset at all.
A true friend does not love
Grieve your friends.
If you decide in the morning
To behave,
Feel free to lead yourself into the closet
And dive into the darkness.
There is no mother, no father,
Only daddy's pants.
There no one will shout loudly:
- Stop it! Do not dare! Don't touch!
It will be much easier there.
Without disturbing anyone
All day long
And lead decently.
Decided to fight - choose
The one who is weaker.
And a strong change can give,
Why do you need her?
The younger the one you hit
The more cheerful the heart
Watch how he cries, screams
And she calls her mother.
But if suddenly for the baby
Someone stepped in
Run scream and cry loud
And call your mom.
When a guest drops a cup,
Do not hit the guest in the forehead.
Give me another cup, let
He drinks tea calmly.
When this cup is a guest
Drop from the table
Pour tea into a glass for him
And let him drink in peace.
When all the dishes are a guest
Will kill in the apartment,
Have to pour sweet tea
By the collar to him.
If you didn't buy a cake
And they didn’t take me to the cinema in the evening,
You have to be angry with your parents
And leave without a hat on a cold night.
But it's not easy to walk the streets
And go to the dense dark forest.
There you will immediately meet a hungry wolf,
And, of course, he eats you quickly.
That's when mom and dad find out
They scream, cry and run.
And rush to buy a cake
And they will take you to the cinema in the evening.
Beat the frogs with sticks.
It is very interesting.
Tear off the wings of the flies
Let them run on foot.
Train daily
And a happy day will come -
you to some kingdom
Accepted as the chief executioner.
Girls should never
Nowhere to notice.
And don't let them pass
Nowhere and never.
They need to put their feet up.
Frighten from around the corner
So that they immediately understand:
You don't care about them.
Met the girl
Show her your tongue right away.
Let her not think
That you are in love with her.
If your mother caught you
For what you love,
For example, drawing
In the hallway on the wallpaper
Explain to her what it is
Your surprise for March 8th.
Called the picture
"Dear mommy portrait".
There is no more pleasant occupation
What to pick in the nose.
Everyone is terribly interested
What is hidden inside.
Who hates to look
Let him not look.
We do not climb into his nose,
Let him not come.
Beat friends without respite
Every day for half an hour
And your muscles
Becomes stronger than a brick.
And with mighty hands
You, when the enemies come
You can in difficult times
Protect your friends.
Never wash your hands
Neck, ears and face.
This is a stupid business
Doesn't lead to anything.
Hands dirty again
Neck, ears and face.
So why waste energy
Time to waste.
Shaving is also useless
There is no point.
To old age by itself
Bald head.
See what's going on
In every house at night.
Turning your nose to the wall
Silently adults lie.
They move their lips
In the impenetrable darkness
And with closed eyes
The heel is pulled in a dream.
Don't agree to anything
Go to bed at night.
Don't let anyone
Put you to bed.
Do you want
Years of childhood
Spend under the covers
On a pillow with no pants?
If you're down the hall
Ride your bike
And to meet you from the bathroom
Dad went out for a walk
Don't turn into the kitchen
There is a solid refrigerator in the kitchen.
Brake better in dad.
Dad is soft. He will forgive.
When you are your own mother.
Leads to dentists
Don't expect mercy from her
Do not cry in vain.
Be silent, like a captured partisan,
And grit your teeth like that
To not be able to unclench them
Crowd of dentists.
If your mother bought you
There is only a ball in the store
And doesn't want the rest
All that he sees, buy,
Stand up straight, heels together
Spread your arms to the sides
Open your mouth wide
And shout the letter: - A!
And when, dropping bags,
With a cry: - Citizens! Anxiety!
Buyers will rush
With a saleswoman at the head,
The store manager is here
Come and tell mom:
- Take everything for free,
Let him not scream!
If you and your friends are together
Have fun in the yard
And in the morning they put on you
Your new coat
It's not worth crawling in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb the fences
hanging on nails.
So as not to spoil and not to dirty
Your new coat
Gotta make it old
This is done like this:
Get right into the puddle
Ride on the ground
And a little on the fence
Hang on nails.
Will be old very soon
Your new coat
Now you can calmly
Have fun in the yard.
You can safely crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb the fences
hanging on nails.
If the whole family swim
You went to the river
Don't interfere with mom and dad
Sunbathing on the beach.
Don't make a cry
Let adults rest.
Not touching anyone
Try to drown.
Who did not jump from the window
Together with mother's umbrella
That dashing skydiver
Doesn't count yet.
Don't fly like a bird
Above the excited crowd
Don't put him in the hospital
With a bandaged leg.
It's better to tease from the window,
From the sixth floor.
From the tank is also good
When the armor is strong
But if you want to bring
People to bitter tears
Their safest
Tease on the radio.
Born a girl - be patient
Taunts and pushes
And substitute pigtails for everyone,
Who is not averse to pulling them,
But when you grow big
Show them the cookie
And you say: - Figushki! For you
I won't get married.
If there are cockroaches in the kitchen
Marching on the table
And satisfied with the mice
On the floor training battle
So it's time for you
Stop fighting for peace
And throw all your strength
To fight for purity.
visit often
Theater buffet
There are cream cakes
Bubble water.
Like firewood, on plates
Chocolates lie
And from the tube you can
Drink a milkshake.
Don't ask for tickets
To the balcony and to the stalls.
And ask for tickets
To the theater cafeteria.
Leaving the theater
Take it with you
Under a trembling heart
Sandwich in the stomach.
You have a wonderful house obedient child, who eats everything that is offered to him, cleans up his bed and toys, takes a shower and brushes his teeth every day and regularly goes to preventive check-ups to the dentist ... so you are sleeping and you are dreaming. There are no such children. Wake up. Take this book. And take it to your one and only bully. And all will be well.
There is no more pleasant occupation
What to pick in the nose.
Everyone is terribly interested
What is hidden inside.
Who hates to look
Let him not look.
We do not climb into his nose,
Let him not come.
If your mother caught you
For what you love,
For example, for drawing
In the hallway on the wallpaper
Explain to her what it is
Your surprise for the eighth of March,
The painting is called:
"Dear mommy portrait".
Born a girl - be patient
Footboards and kicks.
And substitute pigtails for everyone,
Who pull them is not averse.
But sometime later
Show them the cookie
And you say: "Figures, for you
I won't get married!"
If you and your friends are together
Have fun in the yard
And in the morning they put on you
Your new coat
It's not worth crawling in puddles,
And roll on the ground
And climb the fences
hanging on nails.
So as not to spoil and not to dirty
Your new coat
We need to make it old.
This is done like this:
Get right into the puddle
Ride on the ground
And a little on the fence
Hang on nails.
Will be old very soon
Your new coat.Now you can calmly
Have fun in the yard.
You can safely crawl in puddles,
And roll on the ground
And climb the fences
hanging on nails.
Girls should never
Nowhere to notice.
And don't let them pass
Nowhere and never.
They need to put their feet up
Frighten from around the corner
So that they immediately understand:
You don't care about them.I met a girl - quickly to her
Show your tongue.
Let her not think
That you are in love with her.
Starting a fight with dad
Starting a fight with mom
Try to surrender to your mother, -
The Pope takes no prisoners.
By the way, ask your mom
Didn't she forget
Prisoners beat with a belt on the pope
Banned by the Red Cross.
If you didn't buy a cake
And they didn’t take them to the cinema in the evening,
Need to be offended by parents
And leave without a hat on a cold night.
But it's not just to wander the streets,
And go to the dense dark forest.
There you will immediately meet a hungry wolf,
And, of course, he eats you quickly.
That's when mom and dad find out
They scream, cry and run,
And rush to buy a cake,
And they will take you to the cinema in the evening.
See what's going on
In every house at night.
Turning your nose to the wall
Silently adults lie.
They move their lips
In the hopeless darkness
And with closed eyes
The heel is pulled in a dream.
Don't agree to anything
Go to bed at night
Don't let anyone
Put you to bed.
Do you want
Years of childhood
Spend under the covers
On a pillow, no pants?
There is the right remedy
like adults:
In the morning, start yelling and littering,
Eavesdrop, whimper, run around the house,
Kick and beg for gifts from everyone.
Be rude, cunning, tease and lie,
And in the evening suddenly stop for an hour, -
And immediately, with a touched smile looking,
All adults will pat you on the head
And they will say that you are a wonderful boy
And there is no child nicer than you.
If you came to the Christmas tree,
Claim your gift immediately
Yes, look, no candy
Santa Claus did not heal.
And don't be careless
Bring home leftovers
How dad and mom will jump -
Half will be taken.
If you broke a window
Do not rush to confess.
Wait - won't it start
Suddenly civil war.Artillery will strike
Glass will fly out everywhere
And no one will scold
For a broken window.
Never allow
Put yourself a thermometer
And don't swallow pills
And don't eat powders.
Let the stomach and teeth hurt
Throat, ears, head,
Don't take medicine anyway
And don't listen to the doctor.
The heart will stop beating
But for sure
They won't stick a mustard plaster on you
And they won't inject.
If you are not firmly
Chose a path in life
And you don't know why
Start your labor path
Beat the light bulbs in the porches -
People will say thank you.
you help the people
Save electricity.
If you walked in a hat,
And then she disappeared
Don't worry mom is home
You can lie about something.
But try to lie beautifully
So that, looking admiringly,
Hold your breath, mom
I listened to lies for a long time.But if you lied
About the lost hat
What is her in an unequal battle
Took your spy away
Try to mom
Didn't go to get angry
to foreign intelligence,
They don't understand it there.
If, washing my son,
Mom suddenly discovers
That she washes not her son,
And someone else's daughter...
Let mom not be nervous
Well, does she care?
There are no differences
Between dirty children.
*** If you're down the hall
Ride your bike
And towards you from the bathroom
Dad went out for a walk
Don't turn into the kitchen
The kitchen has a solid refrigerator.
Brake better in dad.
Dad is soft. He will forgive.*** If you are forever rallied,
Illuminated and lead
Don't try to dodge
From movement to celebration.
Will raise to work anyway
And inspire to a feat
you great and mighty,
And our stronghold.*** The main business of your life
Can become any trifle.
You just have to firmly believe
There is nothing more important.
And then it won't hurt
You are neither cold nor hot,
Breathless with delight
Deal with bullshit.*** Beat the frogs with sticks.
It is very interesting.
Tear off the wings of the flies
Let them run on foot.
Train daily
And a happy day will come -
you to some kingdom
Accepted as the chief executioner.*** If you are the whole world of violence
Gonna destroy
And at the same time you dream of becoming
Everything without being anything
Feel free to follow us
On the paved road
We are this way for you
We may even give up.*** Don't settle for anything
With no one and never
And those who agree with you
Call cowardly.
For this, everyone will start you
Love and respect.
And everywhere you will have
Full of friends.*** If there are cockroaches in the kitchen
Marching on the table
And satisfied with the mice
On the floor training battle
So it's time for you
Stop fighting for peace
And throw all your strength
To fight for purity.*** There is a sure way to please adults:
Oster bad advice read
In the morning, start yelling and littering,
Eavesdrop, whimper, run around the house
Kick and beg for gifts from everyone.
Be rude, cunning, tease and lie,
And in the evening suddenly stop for an hour, -
And immediately, with a touched smile stroking,
All adults will pat you on the head
And they will say that you are a wonderful boy
And there is no child nicer than you.*** If you came to the Christmas tree
Claim your gift right away
Yes, look, no candy
Santa Claus did not heal.
And don't be careless
Bring home leftovers.
How dad and mom jump -
Half will be taken.*** If punishment awaits you
For bad behavior
For example, for being in the bathroom
You bathed your cat
Without asking permission
Neither the cat, nor the mother,
I can suggest you a way
How to be saved from punishment.
Bang your head on the floor
Beat your chest with your hands
And sob, and shout: "Ah, why did I torture the cat!?
I deserve a terrible punishment!
My shame can only be redeemed by death!"
It won't even take half a minute.
How, crying with you,
You will be forgiven and, to console,
Run for a sweet cake.
And then calmly cat
You lead by the tail into the bath,
After all, sneaking a cat
Will never be able to.*** Beat friends without respite
Every day for half an hour
And your muscles
Becomes stronger than a brick.
And with mighty hands
You, when the enemies come
You can in difficult times
Protect your friends.*** Never wash your hands
Neck, ears and face.
This is a stupid business
Doesn't lead to anything.
Hands get dirty again
Neck, ears and face
So why waste energy
Time to waste.
Shaving is also useless
There is no point.
To old age by itself
Bald head.*** Never allow
Put yourself a thermometer
And don't swallow pills
And don't eat powders.
Let the stomach and teeth hurt
Throat, ears, head,
Don't take medicine anyway
And don't listen to the doctor.
The heart will stop beating
But for sure
They won't stick a mustard plaster on you
And they won't inject.
If you are in the hospital
And you don't want to lie there
Wait, when to your room
The chief doctor will come.
Bite it - and immediately
Your cure is over
The same evening from the hospital
They'll take you home.(module r3)
*** If you are not firmly
Chose a path in life
And you don't know why
Start your labor path
Beat the light bulbs in the porches -
People will say thank you.
you help the people
Save electricity.*** To kick out of the apartment
Various flies and mosquitoes
Gotta pull down the curtain
And spin over your head.
Pictures will fly from the walls,
Flowers from the window sill.
Tumbling TV
The chandelier will crash into the parquet.
And, escaping from the roar,
mosquitoes will scatter
And frightened flies
A flock will rush to the south.*** If you decide in the morning
To behave,
Feel free to closet yourself
lead
And dive into the darkness.
There is no mother
no dad,
Only daddy's pants.
There's no one to scream
loudly:
"Stop! Don't you dare!
Don't touch!"
It's much easier there
will be,
Without disturbing anyone
All day myself
decently
And lead decently.*** If you walked in a hat,
And then she disappeared
Don't worry mom is home
You can lie about something.
But try to lie beautifully
To look admiringly
Hold your breath, mom
I listened to lies for a long time.
But if you lied
About the lost hat
That her in an unequal battle
Took your spy away
Try to mom
Didn't go to get angry
to foreign intelligence,
They don't understand her there.*** "It is necessary to share with the younger ones!".
"We need to help the younger ones!"
Never forget
These are the rules, folks.
Repeat very quietly
Them to someone who is older than you,
To the younger ones about it
Didn't know anything.*** If hands at dinner
you messed up with lettuce
And shy about the tablecloth
Wipe your fingers
Lower discreetly
They are under the table, and it's calm there
Wipe your hands
About the neighbor's pants.*** Matches are the best toy
For bored kids.
Dad's tie, car passport -
Here is a small fire.
If you throw slippers
Or put a broom
You can fry a whole chair,
Boil the ear in the nightstand.
If adults are somewhere
Matches are hidden from you
Explain to them that matches
For a fire you need.*** If washing the son
Mom suddenly discovers
That she washes not her son,
And someone else's daughter...
Let mom not be nervous
Well, she doesn't care.
There are no differences
Between dirty children.*** When you get old - go
On the street on foot.
Don't get on the bus anyway
You have to stay there.
And now there are few fools,
To give up a place
And to those distant times
They won't be at all.*** If you are invited to dinner
Oster bad advice read
Proudly hide under the sofa
And lie there quietly
Not to be found right away.
And when from under the sofa
They will drag by the legs,
Break out and bite
Don't give up without a fight.
If they still get
And they will put you at the table,
Drop the cup
Pour the soup on the floor.
Cover your mouth with your hands
Fall down from the chair.
And throw the cutlets up,
Let them stick to the ceiling.
In a month people will say
With respect for you: "He looks thin and dead,
But the character is strong."*** If you decide first
Become in the ranks of your fellow citizens -
Never catch up
Rushing forward.
Five minutes later, cursing,
They run back
And then, leading the crowd,
You rush ahead.*** If to dad or mom
Aunt adult came
And leads some important
And a serious conversation
Necessary behind unnoticed
sneak up on her and then
Shout loudly in your ear:
"Stop! Give up! Hands up!"
And when from the chair aunt
Falls down with a fright
And spill it on your dress
Tea, compote or jelly,
It must be very loud
Mom will laugh
And being proud of your child,
Dad will shake your hand.
Papa will take you by the shoulder
And lead somewhere.
It's probably there for a very long time.
Dad will praise you.*** Do you need an answer?
Well, keep answering.
Don't shake, don't whine, don't mumble,
Never hide your eyes.
For example, my mother asked:
"Who scattered the toys?"
Tell me it's dad
He brought his friends.
Did you fight with your younger brother?
Say he's the first
Kicked you in the neck
And swore like a bandit.
If they ask who's in the kitchen
I bitten all the cutlets,
Answer that the neighbor's cat
And, perhaps. the neighbor himself.
Whatever you're guilty of
Learn to answer.
For their actions each
I must boldly answer.*** If you are determined
A plane to hijack to the West,
But you can't think
How to scare the pilots
Read them passages
From today's newspaper -
And they are in any country
They will fly away with you.*** It's better to tease from the window,
From the eighth floor.
From the tank is also good,
When the armor is strong.
But if you want to bring
People to bitter tears
Their safest
Tease on the radio.*** If you are on the phone
Called a fool
And did not wait for an answer
Throwing the phone on the hook,
Dial quickly
From any random numbers
And whoever picks up the phone
Let me know - you're an idiot.*** The address of the school where
Lucky to study
Like a multiplication table
Remember firmly, by heart,
And when will you happen
Meet the saboteur
Not wasting a minute
Give me the address of the school.*** Don't be upset if
Call mom to school
Or dad.
Do not be shy,
Bring the whole family.
Let uncles, aunts come
And third cousins
If you have a dog
Bring her too.*** If it's chasing you
Too many people
Ask them for details
Why are they upset?
Try to comfort everyone.
Give everyone advice
But reduce the speed
Absolutely nothing.*** Don't be offended by
Who beats you with his hands,
And don't be lazy every time
to thank him
Because, sparing no effort,
He hits you with his hands
And I could take in these hands
Both stick and brick.*** If a friend's birthday
invited you to my place,
You leave a gift at home -
Useful for yourself.
Try to sit next to the cake.
Don't get into conversations.
you while talking
Eat half as much sweets.
Choose smaller pieces
To swallow faster.
Do not grab the salad with your hands -
You can scoop up more with a spoon.
If they suddenly give nuts,
Rash them carefully in your pocket,
But do not hide the jam there -
It will be difficult to take out.*** If you come to friends
Don't say hello to anyone.
Words: "please", "thank you"
Do not tell anybody.
Turn around and ask questions
Don't answer anyone.
And then no one will say
About you, that you are a talker.*** If anything happened
And no one is to blame
Don't go there otherwise
You will be guilty.
Hide somewhere on the sidelines.
And then go home.
And about seeing it
Do not tell anybody.*** If you didn't buy a cake
And they didn’t take them to the cinema in the evening,
You need to be offended by your parents
And leave without a hat on a cold night.
But not just
Wander the streets
And in the dense dark
Forest to go.
There you immediately wolf
Hungry to meet
And of course quickly
He eats you.
That's when mom and dad find out
They scream, cry and run.
And rush to buy a cake,
And to the movies with you
They will take you in the evening.*** Never stupid questions
Oster bad advice read
Don't ask yourself
And not even more stupid
You will find the answer to them.
If stupid questions
Appeared in my head
Ask them immediately to adults.
Let them brainstorm.*** visit often
Theater buffet.
There are cream cakes
Bubble water.
Like firewood on plates
Chocolates are lying
And through the tube
Drink a milkshake.
Don't ask for tickets
To the balcony and to the stalls,
Let them give you tickets
To the theater cafeteria.
Leaving the theater
Take it with you
Under a trembling heart
In the stomach, a sandwich.*** Born a girl - be patient
Footboards and kicks.
And substitute pigtails for everyone,
Who pull them is not averse.
But sometime later
Show them the cookie
And you say: "Figures, for you
I won't get married!"*** See what's going on
In every house at night.
Turning your nose to the wall
Silently adults lie.
They move their lips
In the hopeless darkness
And with closed eyes
The heel is pulled in a dream.
Don't agree to anything
Go to bed at night.
Don't let anyone
Put you to bed.
Do you want
Years of childhood
Spend under the covers
On a pillow, no pants? *** For example, in your pocket
Turned out to be a handful of sweets
And met you
Your true friends.
Don't be afraid and don't hide
Don't run away
Don't shove all the candy
Together with candy wrappers in the mouth.
Approach them calmly
Without saying too many words
Quickly taking it out of my pocket
Give them... a hand.
Shake their hands firmly
Say goodbye slowly
And turning around the first corner,
Rush home quickly.
To eat sweets at home,
Get under the bed
Because there, of course,
You won't meet anyone.*** Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white coat.
Lei gently juice on the cloak -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's coat
The cloak must be put entirely
In thick cherry juice.
Take mother's cherry cloak
And a mug of milk.
Pour milk gently -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's coat
The cloak must be put entirely
In a bowl of milk.
Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white coat.
Lay gently...*** If you stayed at home
Alone without parents
I can offer you
An interesting game
Titled "Courageous Chef"
Or The Brave Cook.
The essence of the game in preparation
All kinds of delicious food.
I suggest to start
Here is such a simple recipe:
Need in daddy's shoes
Pour out mother's perfume
And then these shoes
Apply shaving cream
And pouring them with fish oil
With black ink in half,
Throw in the soup that mama
Prepared in the morning.
And cook with the lid closedRoughly seventy minutes.
What will you find out
When the adults arrive.*** If your friend is the best
Slipped and fell
Point your finger at a friend
And grab your stomach.
Let him see, lying in a puddle, -
You are not upset at all.
A true friend does not love
Grieve your friends.
*** Decided to fight - choose
The one who is weaker.
And the strong can give back
Why do you need her?
The younger the one you hit
The more cheerful the heart
Watch how he cries, screams,
And she calls her mother.
But if suddenly for the baby
Someone stepped in
Run, scream and cry loudly
And call your mom.*** To spontaneous combustion
Oster bad advice read
Didn't happen in the house
Leaving the room
Take your iron with you.
Vacuum cleaner, electric stove,
TV and floor lamp
Better with light bulbs together
Take it to the next yard.
And even more reliable
Cut the wires
So that in all your area
The light went out immediately.
Here you can be sure
You almost certainly
What about spontaneous combustion
The house is secure.*** If you played football
On the wide pavement
And hitting the gate
Suddenly they heard a whistle
Do not shout: "Goal!", perhaps
This is a policeman
Whistled when hit
Not at the gate, but at him.*** Running away from the tram
Do not rush under the dump truck.
Wait at the traffic light
Doesn't show up yet
ambulance car -
It's full of doctors
Let them crush you.
They will heal themselves later.*** Starting a fight with dad
Starting a fight with mom
Try to surrender to your mother, -
The Pope takes no prisoners.
By the way, ask your mom
Didn't she forget
Prisoners to beat with a belt on the pope
Banned by the Red Cross.
*** If you are going to a friend
Tell your trouble
Grab a friend by the button
Useless - run away
And leave you as a keepsake
This button is a friend.
Better give him a trip
Throw on the floor, sit on top
And then in detail
Tell your trouble.*** If you broke a window
Do not rush to confess.
Wait, it won't start
Suddenly civil war.
Artillery will strike
Glass will fly out everywhere
And no one will scold
For a broken window.*** When your own mother
Leads to dentists
Don't expect mercy from her
Do not cry in vain.
Be silent, like a captured partisan,
And grit your teeth like that
To not be able to unclench them
Crowd of dentists.
*** There is a reliable way to dad
Forever crazy.
Tell dad honestly
What were you doing yesterday.
If he is able to
Stay on your feet
Explain what to do
Tomorrow you think.
And when with a crazy look
Dad will sing songs
Call an ambulance.
Her phone number is 03.
*** If you are in your pocket
Didn't find a penny
Look in your neighbor's pocket
Obviously the money is there.*** If your roommate
Became a source of infection
Hug him - and go to school
You won't come for two weeks.
*** If you want enemies
Win with one blow
You rockets and shells,
And no ammo.
Drop to them by parachute
__________________________
(Fill out this line yourself.)
An hour later, enemies, sobbing,
They come running to surrender.
If you are the last in the council
You do not want to insert a line,
Choose any
from those offered to you.*** Drop to them by parachute:
your little sister,
Dad, grandmother and mother,
Two bags of rubles and three rubles,
Headmistress of your school
The teachers' council is complete,
Engine from "Zaporozhets",
Dozens of dentists
BOY CHERNOV SASHA,
LITTLE MASHA OSTER,
Tea from the school cafeteria
The book "Bad advice" ...
An hour later, enemies, sobbing,
They come running to surrender.*** If you decided to sister
Oster bad advice read
Just a joke to scare
And she is from you on the wall
Runs away barefoot
So jokes are funny
They don't reach her
And you should not put your sister
Live mice in slippers.*** If you caught your sister
With grooms in the yard
Don't rush it soon
Give to mom and dad.
Let the parents first
She will be given in marriage
Then tell your husband
Everything you know about your sister.*** If mom is in the store
I bought you only a ball
And doesn't want the rest
Everything he sees, buy,
Stand up straight, heels together
Spread your arms to the sides
open your mouth wide
And shout the letter "A"!
And when, dropping bags,
With a cry: "Citizens! Alarm!"
Buyers will rush
With sellers at the head,
The store manager is here
Creep up and tell mom: "Take everything for free,
Let him just shut up."
*** Get yourself a notebook
And write down in detail
Who is who at recess
How many times have you sent
With whom is the physical education teacher
Drank kefir in the gym,
And that dad at night mom
Whispered softly in his ear.
*** If sharp objects
You caught the eye
Try them deeper
Stick into yourself.
This is the best way
Make sure yourself
What are dangerous items
Should be hidden from children.*** If you and your friends are together
Have fun in the yard
And in the morning they put on you
Your new coat
It's not worth crawling in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb the fences
hanging on nails.
So as not to spoil or stain your new coat,
We need to make it old.
This is done like this:
Get right into the puddle
Roll on the ground
And a little on the fence
Hang on nails.
Will be old very soon
Your new coat
Now you can calmly
Have fun in the yard.
You can safely crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb the fences
hanging on nails.
*** Girls should never
Nowhere to notice.
And don't let them pass
Nowhere and never.
They need to put their feet up
Frighten from around the corner
So that they immediately understand:
You don't care about them.
I met a girl - quickly to her
Show your tongue.
Let her not think
That you are in love with her.
*** When a guest drops a cup,
Do not hit the guest in the forehead.
Give me another cup, let
He drinks tea calmly.
When this cup is a guest
Drop from the table
Pour tea into a glass for him
And let him drink in peace.
When all the dishes are a guest
Will kill in the apartment,
Have to pour sweet tea
By the collar to him.*** lost child
Must remember that it
Take you home as soon as
He will name his address.
Gotta act smarter
Say: "I live Near a palm tree with a monkey On distant islands."
Lost child
If he's not stupid
Don't miss the right opportunity
Visit different countries.*** Hands never anywhere
Don't touch anything.
Don't get mixed up in anything
And don't go anywhere.
Step aside silently
Stand humble in a corner
And stand quietly, without moving,
Until your old age.*** Who did not jump from the window
*** If the whole family swim
Together with my mother's umbrella,
That dashing skydiver
Doesn't count yet.
Don't fly like a bird
Above the excited crowd
Don't put him in the hospital
With a bandaged leg.
You went to the river
Don't interfere with mom and dad
Sunbathing on the beach.
Don't make a cry
Let adults rest.
without touching anyone,
Try to drown.
*** There is no more pleasant occupation
What to pick in the nose.
Everyone is terribly interested
What is hidden inside.
Who hates to look
Let him not look.
We do not climb into his nose,
Let him not come.
If your mother caught you
For what you love,
For example, for drawing
In the hallway on the wallpaper
Explain to her what it is
Your surprise for March 8th.
The painting is called:
"Dear mommy portrait". Oster bad advice read
*** Don't take someone else's
Strangers are looking at you.
Let them close their eyes
Or they'll go out for a while.
And why be afraid of your own!
They won't talk about their own.
Let them look. Grab someone else's
And take him to yours.
