The departed husband lives with his mistress. Why did the husband go to his mistress: possible reasons

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Husband went to his mistress, but does not get divorced - psychologist's tips
We have been together for almost 30 years, we have an adult son. Quarreled in Last year because he began to drink and disappear away from home. And somewhere on these parties, he met a woman 12 years younger, she has two children.

On March 8, he called her openly. Then he left and now comes home sometimes for things (he hasn't moved everything yet). It was like living at home for a whole week. Then he went back to her.

That is, the husband went to his mistress, but does not get divorced and does not talk about divorce. I don't scold him when he comes. Although I want to! How can I behave properly? How to get your husband back?

Tamara, 53

Answered by Maria Kalinina

Tamara, I am glad that you find the strength to meet your husband calmly. Few people manage to do without tantrums. Judging by the letter, this person is dear to you, and you are better off with him than without him. So?

If the husband went to his mistress, but does not get divorced, then there may be many reasons. But in your case, it is very likely that the husband himself doubts that the new relationship has a future. Most likely, in the depths of his soul, he does not rule out returning to you.

So, three facts in your favor:

- that he still has not moved his things to his mistress;

- that he does not file for divorce;

- that he returned home for a week.

What should be your actions?

First step.
Remove conflict. Recognize that the husband is free to choose his own path.

You have already done it. The only thing is that if at times you want to say nasty things to him or his mistress, then try to calm yourself down (listen to the video below, you will find a very effective setting there).

Second step.
Establish calm communication - so that you talk more often, meet - like friends or relatives. Everything is only on a positive wave, without reproaches and claims. You will soon see for yourself that this tactic is more powerful than scandals.

Then the next, more difficult stage begins: so that you, as it were, change roles with your mistresses. So that you become the woman with whom he rests in soul. And the mistress will be a “wife”, requiring attention, help, etc. At some point, it will be enough for you to say a few words to him so that he returns to you. Here it is important to act deliberately and carefully create the situation, to know what and when to say. All this is detailed in my course.

you are very wise woman, you will succeed!

You can put a lot of effort into your beauty, comprehend spiritual practices and culinary arts, love your spouse without memory and one day find that everything has collapsed - he leaves for another. Some blame their mistress for this, others blame their husband, others blame themselves. Who is really to blame?

If the husband went to his mistress, then there is a reason for that. Perhaps, after some time, he will be pulled home and the couple will be reunited again. In order not to step on the same rake twice, married couple it is worth finding the cause of the gap and trying to eliminate it. What can become one?

• Polygamy. Sometimes there is no one to blame. Polygamy is inherent in nature itself, therefore it is better to take the information for granted and just wait. In 90% of cases, men return to the family.

• Mystery. By nature, a man is a hunter. To keep him, you need to intrigue. No wonder there is an expression that a woman should be a mystery. When it is solved, the hunter rushes in search of a new victim. But then he returns to his wife again. This fact does not apply to all males. But there is a certain type for whom such a game is the essence of love relationships.
• Strong woman. There are women who do not tolerate sentimentality and are even afraid to show weakness in private. They don't shy away male work, decide family problems and earn more than the head of the family. It is not surprising that the spouse goes to his mistress after some time. After all, how he sees Perfect marriage no one asked. Perhaps he wants to take care, be the main breadwinner and decide for himself everyday problems. And at one point in the life of a man a companion appears, allowing this to be done. Although there is also back side: since initiative is not inherent in this type, the role of the head of the family will not be fulfilled for long. When the enthusiasm goes out, the husband returns to his wife again.
• Gen. It's no secret that everyday life kills feelings. A series of problems bothers and often leads to quarrels in marriage. Scandals become the only emotional outburst. The rest remains behind the scenes. It is this “rest” that the spouse finds on the side.
• Extreme. The passion between the spouses subsides over the years, the relationship is more like a friendship. She cooks, he seeks novelty and finds it on the side. Although the final of these romance novels also predictable - usually, having experienced a dose of extreme sports, the faithful return to their ex-wives.
• Wife's indifference. This is a classic situation: bathrobe, curlers, pots, children. Zhenya is too lazy to take care of herself, there is no time to listen about her husband's problems. The husband in such a situation, as in the previous one, finds solace in another.

How long will the fight between the former and the future last?

There are a lot of cases when men return to the family from a new passion. The question is, how long does it take? How long do you have to wait - a year, two, three or more? According to psychologists, serious romances on the side last about eight months. it short term, if we recall the theory that love lives for three years. At the same time, it is impossible to answer with accuracy how long a loved one will return home. Everyone has their own situation. For some representatives of the stronger sex, a relationship with mistresses can last a dozen years. These are the cases when they are in no hurry to make a choice and live in two houses. Marriage here rests only on an unspoken agreement: everyone has their own personal life.

If the husband went to his mistress immediately

No long hesitation. The situation is simplified a bit because:

• The timing of throwing, and at the same time the torment of all parties, is reduced.
• The sooner we start living together new couple, the faster their feelings will be tested by everyday life.
• A man will start comparing his ex with new passion and will quickly determine whether he is well in the new conditions.

The optimal period required for the transition from passion to everyday life is one and a half to two years. The term may be shorter, because sometimes the very fact of meetings on the sly gives sharpness. If the meaning of love was only in this, the former quickly part with their mistresses and come back. Here are a few more reasons why husbands return to their wives from mistresses:

• Mental and physical comfort, which was in the former house and was lost in another.
• Financial situation, which suited the former and does not suit the current companion - she counted on more.
• Disappeared passion. Perhaps passion was the only reason for the union. When she disappears, the situation comes to a standstill. They say about such cases: "It was a mistake."
• Epiphany. It turned out that love was far-fetched, the man just needed a pause to understand how dear his ex-wife was to him.

It is not excluded that the above will have one underlying reason - a midlife crisis. Many mistakes are made precisely because of a radical reassessment of values. In times of crisis, this is very important.

How long the midlife crisis lasts is as difficult to determine as it is to answer how long the spouse will pull home. Everyone has their own time limit.

It can be squeezed into a year, or it can stretch for a dozen years. It all depends on internal complexes and upbringing. But no matter how long the midlife crisis lasts, comfort on the side will not be a salvation from the experience. A variant is possible when a man breaks off relations with his wife, and then with a new passion, and for some time remains in the status of a bachelor.

woman's behavior,abandoned: first reaction

The departure of a loved one is stressful, so experiencing negative emotions in the first period is normal. A woman feels humiliated, offended, she is hurt and scared because no one needs her. Holding back emotions is not a woman’s business, therefore, the sooner they splash out, the sooner you can pull yourself together. The latter is very important for those who intend to return their spouse home. Yes, you won’t be forcibly sweet and no one gives guarantees that he will return, but to adequately perceive the news of leaving is already the first step towards reconciliation.

The most important thing is to keep negative emotions at the time of departure. Even if the couple will never be together again, discomfort from their actions can remain for life.

When the deed is done and he is gone, you should not seek solace in food, alcohol or promiscuity. Going to extremes doesn't make it any easier. Do not bode well and endless phone calls. Requests to return home, accusations and reproaches only humiliate. So you definitely can’t save a family from a mistress. Rather, on the contrary: for a loved one, these actions will be another confirmation that he did the right thing.

How to behave? It’s good if the spouse had long guessed about the connection on the side and had the opportunity to prepare herself for the news of leaving. Worse, if the news has become a bolt from the blue. In this situation, you can’t pick up a reaction, it will splash out intuitively. Although it is possible to stop in time. Ideally, it is better not to make a scandal, not to play out a drama, but, having swallowed an insult, calmly accept the news. And if a woman still has the courage to say that she respects the decision of her beloved, then the first winning move is automatically credited to the former. The husband will certainly appreciate the wisdom of his wife, not now, then later, when he wants to return.

Important! Under no circumstances should you have any relationship withhusband's new companion! It is always a loss and humiliation of oneself.

Another one important recommendation- Do not overdo it in discussions with friends. Do not devote them to the details of your married life and throw mud at the former. What if after a while he returns home and family life will improve again? Meeting people who are in the know family scandal are not very pleasant. Will have to change friends and company.

And yes, the more talk about cheating, the more the emotional pendulum swings. Finding peace of mind will be more difficult, and the state of resentment will last longer.

What to do when emotions have subsided: an attempt to understand yourself

When the first reaction is lived, instead of repeatedly scrolling the situation, you need to step back and think about how to proceed. It must be remembered that there are only two options: forgive and return or forget and move on. If the choice fell on the first, then you should seriously think about what exactly makes you return ex-spouse. After all, feelings tend to mix and in such a situation it is difficult to distinguish where is the truth and where is the product of anger and resentment. What can guide when deciding to return the ex:

• Desire to restore dignity. Trying to take away her own, the spouse wants to restore self-esteem and compensate for the offense. If a reunion occurs, the couple does not live together for a long time. Living together reduced to reproaches and pressure on feelings of guilt. Do husbands return to such exes forever? Hardly.
• Revenge of the lover. Perhaps the relationship in the couple collapsed a long time ago, but the spouses never talked about it. As a result of a breakup, a woman may simply be angry at the one who allegedly broke their family. But if the man returns, the feeling of victory will last a maximum of a week. Then there will be the same reproaches, guilt and disgust.
• Children. The most common reason. Parents forget that children are happy when their mom and dad are happy too. Children feel emotions very subtly, therefore, keeping a family by deceit is not the most the right way. If you talk to children at an adult level, they will understand and support any decision of their parents.

What if there is a reason true love? When can you start trying to get your loved one back? At once. The first rule is not to push, not to set conditions, not to threaten and not to push in decisions. The second is a serious but calm conversation in private. A married couple should try to remember all the difficulties and happy moments lived together. It is good if she makes it clear that the feelings have not yet faded away and that she is ready to accept the former into the family after the betrayal. The conversation will be a test for her. Suddenly, in the process of communication, it turns out that there are no feelings at all, that this is self-deception. Or it may be that the spouse himself will show doubts about the breakup and hint that not everything is lost. His departure may be only a momentary insanity.

Women's advice: If the faithful decided to return, do not be quickdisclose hugs. At first, it’s better to “think” a little about whether to take it back. After all, he is the culprit of women's tears and suffering.

What if he is not going to return?

If a man remains adamant after a conversation, then away from feelings and self-criticism. These two satellites are the worst solution to the problem. You need to focus on the future and start creating a new life. This is possible only if you forbid yourself once and for all to scroll through variations on the theme: will he ever return to me? You need to focus only on yourself: remember your attractiveness, the ability to arouse desire in men.

To begin new stage best in appearance. It is even recommended by psychologists. New hairstyle, cardinal change clothing style, getting rid of extra pounds - these worries can fill your thoughts at first. If there are any things in the house that remind you of past relationships, you need to get rid of them or put them out of sight. The same goes for the wardrobe.

You have to find the good in everything. If the husband somehow held back the former companion, for example, did not let him go to meetings with friends, now is the time to take advantage of the opportunity. It’s also worth thinking about what you always wanted to do, but didn’t have time for it: yoga, dancing, swimming pool, fitness, etc. The more active your pastime, the more chances you have to switch to a good one and push an unpleasant event into the background.

It is even better to regard the gap as an opportunity to analyze your mistakes in family life. Perhaps after some period it will be found out that the reason for the divorce was not at all what it seemed at first. If a woman finds the courage to admit and work through her mistakes, she will have a better chance of creating a new and more prosperous family.

And perhaps it will happen that after a while the man will be pulled home. They often return to their ex if they give them complete freedom. After all, the more the level of importance of the problem decreases, the faster it is solved by itself. And then it’s up to the woman to decide whether to accept the former into the family after the betrayal or continue to build new life with another person.

Seeing your husband's infatuation with another woman is very painful. It hurts even more when he leaves his family for the sake of the other. During this period, anger and anger, pain and resentment boil in a deceived wife, and so you want to quickly get a divorce and delete the traitor from your life. But, before tearing all the threads of marriage, think about whether it is possible to save your family. Think about it, if the husband left the family, but is not in a hurry to get a divorce, then something is holding him back, and you can take advantage of this.

Why do men choose to leave?

Some men may have a mistress for many years. Moreover, the other woman, however, is not dirty and mean, as you would like to think. She sincerely believes that your husband is suffering in his marriage, that only obligations like children, mortgages, or illness are holding you back from him. but also that he was going to leave you all along. Most likely, she also loves him and believes that someday he will become her husband. In the end, sooner or later, she puts a man before a choice.

The decisive factor for a man in this case is not how good his relationship with another woman is. The decisive factor is how good their relationship with their wife is. And if at this moment in family relationships there was some kind of crack, conflict, no doubt husband will leave To her. After all, for sure, he shares with her all the problems, and she can use them for her own good. But, as practice shows, leaving for a mistress does not mean a divorce. Why doesn't a man file for divorce right away? There are several reasons for this:

1. Perhaps he left in the heat of the moment, in a fit of emotion during the scandal. Now he regrets it, but pride does not allow him to return.
2. He is not yet ready to radically change his life. Men after a breakup are not ready to marry another woman so immediately. They want to stay longer in the status of a bachelor.
3. He does not file for divorce, because in this case he will have to marry his mistress, and this man does not want to. He did not leave the same family in order to immediately fall into marriage bonds.
4. Maybe remorse is preventing him from getting a divorce. He feels guilty before you, before children, before relatives.

As you can see, since the husband does not completely break off ties with his lawful wife, then there is a chance for family reunification.

How to make the right choice

Now a lot depends on the wife: what decision she will make. She can file for divorce herself or fight for her husband. Think about whether you still love him, imagine a future together. Just do not need to use children or the fear of being alone as arguments. Thousands of women are abandoned by their husbands and thousands of women start a new life, becoming successful and happy. Therefore, understand: family reunification is possible only if there are feelings between the spouses, there is a spiritual connection.

Mistakes of women who are trying to get their husband back

Communication with a person who wants to leave is different from communication with a person who has been caught and does not want to leave. The choice that a man makes is not connected with another woman, although both the wife and the mistress think so. The choice depends on what he wants for his future. Anything you do that creates resistance or shows disapproval will push him away. Although his behavior is very bad, you cannot force a man to stay by trying to make him look bad. Your accusations, attacks or pleading are of no help. These attempts will make you even more unattractive in his eyes and will not save you from divorce.

The biggest threat to your relationship is not your lover. If it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else. There is nothing magical about her. She's just an opportunity that her husband jumped at, so don't get hung up on thinking about her. The real problem is the loss soul connection with your husband, He does not care about marriage, does not remain faithful to the family. And the reasons for this lie in the fact that he is not satisfied with something in you. Perhaps you often have scandals at home. Perhaps you have begun to spend less time on your appearance. Or maybe you often refuse him sex? Understand that men are so arranged that they will not delve into problems, arrange a showdown. They will simply find a way out that is more convenient for them.

Reunification of spouses is impossible in two cases:

1. If there is no between them emotional connection and sexual attraction.
2. Another situation is when a man has already devoted himself to another woman. Evidence of affection is that he moves towards her, promising to marry her, has a child in common with her.

The rest of the cases are all changeable and subject to female wisdom and tricks.

How to behave towards your husband's mistress

Situations are different, so it is quite possible that your girlfriend or colleague has become a homemaker. If you live in a small town, it is possible that you know your husband's mistress. Therefore, you can not avoid meeting with her. It is important to develop a line of conduct in relation to her:

• behave, first of all, with dignity: do not scandal, do not insult her, do not spread dirty rumors about her;
• remember that this is not some kind of sex symbol, but ordinary woman who also worries, is jealous and feels guilty;
• you have many levers through which you can bring your husband closer to you: common Home, children, joint holidays and activities;
• do not let the mistress know about some negative situations in your life, about conflicts in the family, problems with children, she will definitely use this against you.

Remember, you have one definite advantage: you lawful spouse, you have a lot in common, and in this fight it is not known who else will lose. If a man went to her, but is in no hurry to divorce you, let this woman worry!

How to cope with the fact that the husband left the family

Of course, the initial task of a woman is to pull herself together and not allow emotions to prevail over reason. No need to suffer and consider yourself the most unfortunate woman. The sooner you stop feeling sorry for yourself and accept the truth, the sooner you will begin to heal and create a better, happy life. A few tips will help you with this:

1. If the husband left home, this does not mean that it is you who are to blame. Even the most beautiful, successful and rich wives are cheated on.
2. Forgive your husband, even if he does not ask for forgiveness. Don't let the most negative emotions take over.
3. Stop comparing yourself to another woman It is pointless and useless to compare yourself with her, trying to understand why the husband left for another. This is a waste of time and energy! Accept the fact that for some reason your husband had to leave.
4. Rest more and engage in self-development. You definitely need to distract yourself from depressive thoughts. Give time to children, it is especially important for them not to feel the pain of the situation.
5. Take care of your appearance, update your wardrobe. In this difficult time, it is very important to feel like a beautiful and desirable woman.
6. Don't refuse help. It doesn't matter if you are friends or family, spiritual mentor or a psychotherapist, but someone should be nearby. Someone who will help not to lose yourself and faith in good.

And, in the end, just bring newness into your life. This is your chance to start a new chapter in your social, professional, personal or spiritual life! Take a vacation, sign up for a new one gym, visit a new social club, change your job, move to another city. If a husband leaves the family, this may be the end of one stage of your life, but the beginning of a whole new era!

Anonymously

My husband left me and left me pregnant with my second child.

Hello girls. There will be many letters. Who will read - thanks. My husband and I had a fast-paced romance, we got married, after which we had a daughter. The birth was very difficult and very for a long time after them I could not recover physically. My daughter to.....

Read completely...

Conscience gnawed! ...

Not a situation, but an anecdote! (Filed for divorce, the first meeting was, at the end of March the second. There is a child. The husband comes to him reluctantly. cake, juice and other things to visit. , MCH left, and BM started to bonfire me! And I felt so ashamed, I feel like the last one ... But we are getting a divorce! ... And it’s still disgusting somehow ... ((P.S. when BM came in, we just stood embracing, everything is decorous)

Husbands who have gone to their mistress often ask to return. How long will the romance on the side last? Let's analyze the stages of the relationship between husband and mistress.

Unfortunately, not all men realize that cheating can destroy a family forever. Sometimes understanding comes only after the betrayal has already been discovered, the wife does not want to have anything to do with the person who cheated on her. Many women are ready to forgive the offender if he comes back and asks for forgiveness. The husband went to his mistress and I wonder when he will return? Let's look at the stages of their relationship.

Do husbands return from mistresses?

Of course, this happens very often. However, let's not get ahead of ourselves. First you need to understand that any relationship goes through several stages.

For example, the first stage is when two people notice each other. This is the stage of potential accumulation, when people look closely at each other, trying to understand whether they like them, whether there can be something between them. The most annoying thing is that the flash often does not occur in 3 seconds. For some, momentum is enough, but many men admit that their passion has been fueled for years, and sometimes even decades.

Will the husband return to the family from his mistress if he has been planning his “escape” for years? Complex issue.

The initial stage of a relationship with a mistress

How long does it take for husbands to return from their mistresses?

The stage when everything is fine, the world looks nice, and butterflies flutter in the stomach lasts about 3-4 months. During this period of time, the potential of the candy-bouquet period passes. There is still no time for everyday trifles, no time for solving some real problems. A man tries to look macho in the eyes of the opposite sex, capable of any feats.

After a few months, many feel that they have played enough. Now they understand that candy-bouquet period cannot last forever. Not too hardy men may show the first signs of a desire to return to their former lives. When the husband returns from his mistress, you can understand by this "saturation" of his novel on the side.

The next stage of the relationship between husband and mistress

This is pressure from the girl with a request to decide on a relationship.

To be honest, few people are satisfied with the role of a mistress. For many girls, this is humiliating, and therefore they put pressure on a man, trying to get a clear answer and promises for the future. Moreover, the promises must be quite specific. For example, a mistress can fish out a promise to divorce no later than a month later.

The husband went to his mistress, and you do not know when he will return? At this stage, he may already be thinking about returning to the family, because not every man will divorce his wife, and even more so promise to marry someone again. At this stage, guilt often arises. A person begins to realize that he has hurt someone and offended a loved one. Moreover, there is nostalgia for the old relationship.

How long does it take for a husband to return from his mistress? Stage "I'll pick you up myself"

When women ask how long it takes for a husband to return from his mistress, I would like to answer that after six months or a year at most, but in fact, not everything is so simple.

When your husband returns from his mistress, only your husband knows.

It all depends on what kind of relationship people are in. We can only say that often after 4-5 months of relationship (if the husband has not yet returned back) begins difficult period. If your husband does not want to rush headlong into the maelstrom of a new relationship and understands that it was a mistake, then he will not marry.

There comes a period when he tells his mistress that he will call her back. Or he says that the moment will happen when he will settle everything, and they will be happy together again. At this time, he himself is negotiating with his wife and probing the soil. If they are ready to accept him back with open arms, then he can easily give reverse and cut off all relations with his mistress.

Will the husband return to the family from his mistress,

depends largely on where there is less pressure on it.

In the final stage, when he decides to "call back later," pressure from his wife may, on the contrary, decide the case in favor of the family.

Everything is individual. And therefore it is impossible to unequivocally determine after what time the husbands return from their mistresses. We can only say unequivocally that all stages of betrayal are unpleasant and, wait, hope for a return sometime loved one to the family is humiliating. Therefore, it is better to build relationships in such a way that a man understands the full burden of responsibility for betrayal, which will fully fall on his shoulders if this happens.