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Consequences of domestic violence against a woman. Is it possible to get along with a tyrant? Stage II

Domestic violence is becoming more and more common in Russian families. But not everyone understands how to behave in this situation. In most cases, victims remain as such and do not fight the abuse. The reasons for this may be different - fear for your life or for your children, complete dependence on a sadist, shame, banal ignorance of the algorithm of actions when faced with a problem. All this is not so important. After all, the fact remains that domestic violence in such cases remains unpunished. More often than not, people may have no idea what is really happening in a particular family. How to recognize a domestic tyrant? What to do if you are a victim of such an act? Which law enforcement agencies should I contact? All this and more will be discussed further.

What is domestic tyranny

Domestic violence- What is it? Not everyone can fully explain this phrase. Most often, violence is understood as either committing sexual acts against the will of the victim, or causing harm to health (for example, beating). To some extent this is true. More precisely, all this is just a small part of domestic violence.

This term is generally understood to mean any cruel treatment within the family circle. Instilling a sense of guilt, infringement of rights, constant bans on freedom of action - all this is violence. It can be moral, material, and physical. Most often there are cases of a combination of types of tyranny. The problem of domestic violence is becoming more pressing every year. Therefore, it is worth knowing what punishment is due to the perpetrator, where to turn for help and how to recognize the threat in advance.

Punishment

Let's immediately turn to the law. On this moment domestic violence can be punished under several articles of the Criminal Code. It all depends on the consequences. For example, an act can be interpreted as torture or beating, and these are different “weight” categories. However, most often the degree of punishment remains the same. Which one?

Practice shows that it is now customary to put people behind bars for domestic violence in the family. How long? It all depends on the nature of the harm caused to the victim. On average, a violator can be imprisoned for 3 years.

By the way, this is one of the reasons for keeping silent about what is happening. The punishment may be more severe if there are aggravating circumstances. But domestic violence that is punishable by imprisonment can result in huge problems for the victim in the future. It's no secret that people don't change or re-educate. And the victims have no real guarantees of safety. Everyone in the family knows each other. And subsequent revenge is possible. Yes, the law seems to protect citizens, but it does not provide 100% guarantees of security in the future. Thus, it is very difficult to eradicate domestic violence. And not everyone can count on even 3 years of rest from a tyrant and not always.

The fact is that sometimes everything works out, excuse the pun, with little bloodshed. The rowdy can be detained for a maximum of 15 days. And then only if the victim has minor injuries. It does not matter whether domestic violence was committed against women or children. If it was of a one-time nature and was not accompanied by serious consequences, then the culprit faces a maximum of short-term arrest.

Decriminalization

That's just in Lately They want to decriminalize domestic violence. Such proposals have been voiced more than once in the Russian government. This means that domestic violence against children and women (and men too, if it occurs) will be abolished.

What is proposed to replace the punishment? Administrative responsibility. Simply put, by paying the appropriate fine. It will have to be calculated based on the nature of the damage inflicted on the victim.

However, society considers such a measure incorrect. Even with the existence of criminal liability, people rarely complain about domestic violence in any form. And if you mention “criminal crime,” the problem will become even more aggravated. And violators or individuals prone to violence will begin to feel their complete impunity. In any case, the final decision has not yet been made. And for now, such actions, of course, if there is evidence, are punishable by either imprisonment for up to 3 years or arrest for 15 days.

Not a crime

You may be surprised, but many believe that domestic violence is not a crime at all, but the most common domestic conflict. Or family. Perhaps this is why it is not the first time that decriminalization of this offense has been proposed.

In reality this is not the case. According to the Russian Ministry of Internal Affairs, about 80-85% of beatings and other manifestations of violence happen in the family. That is, domestic violence is a common phenomenon, and also very dangerous. Especially when it is committed against children. By the way, in Russia and many other countries this form of violence is not considered harmful. Rather, it is a method of education. But what if you or your children are victims? How to behave? Where to contact?

Run to the police station

So, you have seen or experienced domestic violence. Where to contact? You should contact the police as soon as possible and write a corresponding statement about what is happening. Describe full picture what's happening. After that, you need to do one more thing - go to medical institution and remove the beatings.

In general, if there is physical violence, and more than once, then the beatings must be removed every time. During legal proceedings, such a technique will only confirm that you are right.

In practice, calling the police is not very common. Especially when there is domestic psychological violence. This form is perhaps the most dangerous. And the situations here require not a direct appeal to law enforcement agencies, but a clear algorithm of actions taken before writing a statement. But more on that a little later. Have you been subject to domestic violence? Help can be expected not only from the police. And from whom else?

Court

For example, from the court. Sometimes, with irrefutable evidence, a medical report and courage, victims go straight to court. This is a completely adequate solution. It will speed up the process of punishing the rapist-tyrant.

The only problem is that rarely does anyone take the time to consider such statements. Most often, violence is family circle is regarded as a domestic quarrel. And either it is not considered by the court at all, or the punishment is imposed that does not correspond to reality.

The exception is if there are serious consequences after the incident. Not of a psychological nature, as a rule. If, as a result of domestic violence, the victim has suffered serious harm, then the court mandatory will pay attention to your matter. True, most often it does not even come to trial.

Help Centers

Victims of domestic violence very often endure and silently endure everything that happens, because they do not know where to turn. Especially when it comes to children and women. It is these two categories of the population that in most cases find themselves dependent on the tyrant.

Where to “go” if you find yourself a victim of domestic violence? There are special crisis centers and centers in every city social support. This is where you can turn in this situation. Here women and children are offered shelter as well as help in solving the problem - usually under the supervision of judicial trial. In some cases, they even look for work. For example, a nanny in a children's room. There is no need to be afraid. In such organizations, women and children will be fully protected. The main thing is to find out where exactly to go, at what addresses appropriate assistance can be provided.

Not openly

Domestic psychological violence most often occurs. To be honest, this form is extremely difficult to recognize. And it is very difficult to cope with it. Despite all the current laws in Russia. Why? In court, as a rule, and in the police too, they usually deal with physical violence. And the psychological is something that can be hidden, it is not visible. Moreover, this type of bullying is very difficult to prove.

What to do in this case? By the way, domestic violence against children most often occurs psychological character, and all because of the high probability of remaining unpunished. Nevertheless, a certain algorithm of actions still takes place in such treatment.

First, we need witnesses. They often don't exist. But this is not such a problem, because it is enough to notice some changes in a person’s behavior to guess about pressure and psychological violence. It is not necessary to be a direct witness to what is happening. You can do without support, but its presence will only speed up the trial process.

Secondly, you must prove the fact of psychological abuse. How exactly? Any accessible ways- provide video and audio recordings, for example. Or by taking a recovery course with a psychologist. Medical workers may issue a health certificate. And it should indicate the fact of the presence of psychological violence in the family. This the most important document, without which it is unlikely that anyone in Russia will deal with domestic tyranny of this nature.

Third, be determined and don't be afraid. As soon as you have evidence of violence in your hands, you can contact the police or court, and also go to social support and protection centers. Fear - the main problem modern society. Because of it, most such crimes remain unattended, and the perpetrators go unpunished.

Causes

It is already clear how widespread domestic violence is. The reasons for its appearance are varied. But in most cases, all this is due to “problems in the head.” In other words, the causes of domestic violence lie in the psychological state of the tyrant.

What could be the source of such tendencies? A lot of things. Most often the cause is psychological problem childhood. Namely, the use of violence against the current tyrant.

Secondly, people who are not self-confident and have low self-esteem are prone to such acts. At the expense of others, they simply assert themselves. And they do this, as practice shows, with the help of the family - stranger inclined to defend his rights. But a close relative, wife, husband or child, on the contrary, is silent about what is happening.

Thirdly, the thirst for power. Domestic violence of any type is a kind of demonstration of power, an elevation above other people. In principle, here, too, everything can be attributed to low self-esteem. But sometimes even people without this problem, who simply love power, practice violence in families. Quite current option in relationships with children. Through domestic tyranny, parents show how influential and strong they are.

Fourthly, the reason may be character. The tendency to aggression itself is the source of the tendency to violence. It is very difficult to predict how a person will behave. He might just shout, or he might throw up his hands.

Social stress is also a cause of domestic tyranny. We are talking about intra-family conflicts. This could be anything - from disagreement on renovation issues to views on lifestyle and raising children. Any disagreement can lead to domestic violence.

As you can see, basically this behavior is purely psychological in nature. It is almost impossible to say exactly why this happens. The list of reasons can be continued for a very long time: complexes, thirst for revenge, mental disorders and much more. But the fact remains that if domestic violence has started, you need to fight it. By the way, in psychology and society there are several criteria that will help you recognize a domestic tyrant. It is enough to take a good look at people. Even the most adequate, kind and balanced person can turn out to be a kind of sadist.

How to recognize

Domestic violence in the family is preventable. To do this, you need to recognize a potential tyrant in time. And either help those who are in danger, or simply not connect your life with such a person. If we are talking about close relative(for example, a parent), it is better to break off relations with him. And warn other family members about the danger.

Domestic tyrants are prone to aggression, and very often it is without cause. And the point here is not at all in the character of the person. If someone from your environment has been showing excessive aggression lately, this is the first “bell”.

Also, pay attention to the person's overall behavior. Is he unhappy about something? Walks around gloomily, criticizes everyone all the time and doesn’t watch his language? For such an individual, most likely, “education” by domestic tyranny is practiced in the house. And he is the main participant.

By the way, if you are somehow forced to break off relations with your friends or loved ones, this is also another “bell”. For an appropriate gap, you will be rewarded to varying degrees. But all this is just preparing the ground for domestic violence. Please note: not all such cases are accompanied by the act we are considering - perhaps the person is simply a pessimist in life. But in practice, such behavior should raise suspicion.

Full control of the situation and excessive care also indicate that a person is prone to dominance and violence. Most likely, it is being implemented (or will soon be implemented) in his family. The situation speaks for itself: the thirst for power and complete control with infringement of rights is another item on the list of characteristics of a domestic tyrant.

Most often, it is very difficult to recognize such a person. Most often in public, in society, these are respected people, quite adequate, with full-fledged wealthy families. Or just exemplary parents. And this is another reason for the impunity of lawbreakers. Yes, there is an opinion that domestic violence most often occurs in asocial families. This is not true, or rather, not entirely true. Be that as it may, unfortunately, domestic violence against women and children is a fairly common phenomenon. And we can and should fight it. As you already know.

Women often endure beatings from their husbands, believing that the situation cannot be changed. In vain! A domestic sadist can be reined in.

Family violence can be divided into three types: moral, psychophysical and physical.

Moral Torment lies in the fact that a sadist constantly insults a woman, suppresses her will, trying to completely subjugate and destroy her as a person.

Psychophysical violence - this is when assault is added to insults.

Physical torture the most insidious: the husband, without reason, “without warning,” brutally beats his wife. And this happens not once, not twice, but happens systematically. Such a person is most likely mentally unstable and needs treatment.

I teach life

Men who mentally abuse their wives usually justify themselves by saying that they want what is good for them - and scold them exclusively in educational purposes. In fact, they feel a sense of satisfaction from causing pain to others.

Photobank Lori

What are sadists like? Usually these are people who are afraid of society. These are primitive, embittered, envious or arrogant individuals. Society, as a rule, rejects such people, and quite harshly. Resentment towards the whole world for this turns into hidden bitterness, which the sadist tries to take out on someone. Since such a person is a coward outside the home, his wife and children have to bear the blow.

I hang out on the weak

During the psychophysical torture of his wife, a man’s animal instincts turn on. This type of sadist takes pleasure in watching his victim suffer.

It has been noticed that in a purely male environment such a person cannot defend his interests, he quickly gives up. Perhaps his parents beat him as a child. And now such a person asserts himself against the weak.

I hit without hesitation

If a man beats his wife without words, without explanation, then he is most likely already completely degraded. They are guided by instincts alone and nothing more. It's heavy mental illness, and being around such a person is dangerous. He can easily hit his wife with a fist, a knife, or an ax. Such individuals may later pose a danger to both the family and the entire society.

A man who drinks

Alcohol abuse often makes a person a tyrant. A man who drinks regularly is not able to give an account of his actions. His culture and adequate self-esteem disappear, leaving only primitive reflexes.

Quite often you can hear from women: “ Formerly husband was a completely different person - affectionate, attentive, calm. And now he’s just a monster!” But the most interesting thing is that many wives believe that the vodka is to blame, and not the one who drinks it and then gives up. Men take advantage of this with pleasure: “I don’t remember anything, I was drunk.” As if that justifies his ugly behavior. The patience of the wives and the impunity of the sadist provokes him to new violence.

Alcohol, as a rule, destroys a man's sexual attraction. And this is a reason for jealousy: “If my wife is not with me, then she is with someone else.” And the fantasy that he and his lover can laugh at him drives him into a frenzy. It is impossible to convince a jealous person, to prove that this is not so.

Why do they endure?

Well, what about women? Why don’t they break up with the person who is mentally and physically destroying them?

Firstly, girls with certain character traits and specific family history. If in childhood a little girl saw how her father insulted her mother, and she put up with humiliation, then she draws a conclusion for herself: obedience and humility - good features. And in order to manifest them, you need a male aggressor. Such girls, as a rule, choose handsome, arrogant, cruel guys as their husbands.

Secondly, the destruction of a woman’s personality often occurs unnoticed by her. In the first years, assault may not appear. But a husband is capable of humiliating his wife in the presence of friends or among relatives. The woman still thinks that she can control the situation: inappropriate behavior his faithful justifies his failures, bad mood, stress. In fact, everything is different: the spouse knows perfectly well what he is doing. He had already acquired a taste: he began to enjoy the consciousness of his power. Now the tyrant can leave his wife without money and forbid her to see friends or relatives. Having deprived her of a “support group” and knowing that she will not complain to anyone, he begins to give up.

At this stage, the woman can still leave him.

But if she does not do this, then the irreversible destruction of her personality will begin. A sadist not only beats and insults his victim. Allegedly “coming to his senses,” he begins to ask for forgiveness and showers his wife with expensive gifts swears it was in last time. The woman forgives her husband, but a little time passes, and everything repeats itself. As periods of beatings alternate with reconciliation, she begins to think that it's all about... herself. She is the one who is so bad that she “brings” him on. The mockery is becoming more and more sophisticated every time. And, not finding a way out of the vicious circle, some victims commit suicide or... kill their spouse, and then are sent to prison by a court verdict.

Control of the tyrant

All domestic sadists are afraid of publicity and concrete interference from outside people. Remember: in public, and especially in male companies, such individuals are quieter than water, lower than the grass. Therefore, never hide your misfortune, do not isolate yourself.

Tell your husband's parents, relatives, and friends about how he behaves with you. Many of his acquaintances may not even be aware of his sadistic tendencies.

Involve your parents, sisters and brothers. Tell them frankly about your husband’s inhuman behavior, let them shame him. The brothers can talk to him like men and give him a warning.

Contact a psychological assistance center and ask for help in this situation.

Go to the local police officer, write a statement asking to sort out the current situation. The police have enough methods of influencing a domestic sadist. For example, a district police officer can exhaust him with daily calls to the department or constant visits to your apartment at 22.00 for half an hour educational conversation. If your husband threatens violence, call the police.

The most important thing is not to give the tyrant peace. Let him know what a “fun” life awaits him every time he takes a swing at you.

Or maybe he is sick?

However, all these methods only work if domestic tyrant does not have a mental illness. Therefore, go to a psychoneurological clinic, tell the doctor about your husband’s behavior, and get advice on how to behave with him. An experienced psychiatrist can even suggest a diagnosis based on individual manifestations. Some diseases are dangerous both for others and for the patient himself (he is able to turn the resulting rage against himself and commit suicide). The situation is especially aggravated under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

If the doctor suspects your husband has a mental illness, try to persuade him to undergo treatment. And if he doesn’t agree, then at the next attack of aggression, immediately call an ambulance for psychiatric help.

The question arises: is parting with such a person inevitable? If, despite treatment, doctors cannot guarantee that your spouse will not have outbursts of rage, then the best thing you can do for yourself is to leave him. No benefits can replace the greatest value - own life and well-being, as well as the health of your children.

"Beacons" of a sadist

There are many reasons why a person develops sadistic tendencies. This and genetic predisposition, and cruel upbringing in the family, and drug addiction, and alcoholism. But maybe, main factor- this is character. And it manifests itself already in the first days of acquaintance. Knowing these “beacons”, you can determine whether your new friend domestic tyrant.

He begins to control you like a child: “Don’t date your friends. Don’t you dare wear makeup and don’t talk to men, even colleagues,” “Why, when I called you, you didn’t answer?”, “I should know at any moment where you are!”, “I don’t like your friends!” , “I don’t like your parents!” He doesn’t let you express your opinion, he screams, he doesn’t leave you for a minute.
The next indicator of dysfunctional state of mind This person is his negative opinion about children, animals, and the elderly. You should be wary of the following statements: “Everyone is a bastard!”, “It’s time for old people to go to the cemetery,” “Children annoy me,” “I would shoot all the dogs!”
Notice if this person has a sense of humor. Can he just laugh at himself, at his mistakes? This is not characteristic of the primitive soul. Such a person does not know how to joke or laugh at the jokes of others.
And finally - the presence of intelligence. If a person’s vocabulary is poor, there are no hobbies, and there is only deep dissatisfaction with everyone and everything, then family union It won't be easy with him.

What to do? If you find some of these traits in your new acquaintance, run as far away from him as possible. Don't hope that yours endless Love will be able to change it. Rather, he will remake you. In a year life together such a person will break your will, and it will be difficult for you to take a decisive action - to leave him.

Thoughts that turn a woman into a victim:

“I can’t live alone, I have neither my own home nor a profession.”
“This is our female share“We must learn to be patient.”
“No one should know what is happening in our family. If my husband finds out that I told someone about his behavior, he will become completely furious.”
“Children must have a dad. Even a bad father is better than no father.”
“Of course, in many ways I myself am to blame. It was not necessary..."
“We need to find such behavior so that the husband does not have reasons for irritation.”

Domestic violence is not uncommon these days. Such a threat can be emotional, psychological, or physical. These are repeated violent acts by one person to control, intimidate, or indoctrinate their victim.

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is deliberate coercion, or the action of one person over another, the abuser does not take into account the will and interests of the victim. Such pressure results in physical injury, emotional trauma, developmental disabilities, and damage. The main difference between such pressure is that it is carried out between close people who are related.

Domestic violence can take many different forms. Boys are often subjected to sexual and physical aggression. Elderly, vulnerable family members are subject to pressure. There are cases when wives commit violent acts against their husbands. But according to the statistics given, over 70% of the victims are women and girls.

Where does domestic violence begin?

Domestic violence differs from ordinary violence in that it is systematically repeated and cyclical:

Rising tension. The rapist gets irritated with or without reason. Such tension is denied by both the injured party and the culprit, justifying what is happening with stress, troubles at work or feeling unwell. Gradually, the victim tries to relieve tension and please his partner. Even if she manages to relieve tension for a while, after some time it grows again with even greater force. This stage of pressure can last for months, or in a few days it can develop into a stage of active violence.
Active domestic violence. The rapist is looking for a way out of accumulated tension. Violent acts are committed without others and can take several minutes or several hours. Regardless of the form of pressure, it is always accompanied by insult and humiliation. It is not uncommon for a rapist to blame the victim for his actions. Neither the perpetrator nor the victim deny the fact of violence, but they downplay the seriousness of the violence.
Repentance. This period is accompanied by temporary respite, repentance, and relative calm. The offender atones for his guilt by any means and means, instilling in the victim faith in a better future. The victim is given the illusion that domestic violence in the family will disappear. Although the offender continues to blame the victim and prove the fact that it was she who provoked him to such actions.

The last stage does not last long, and soon everything repeats itself in a vicious circle. If everything is left as it is, if the victim stops resisting what is happening, the stage of repentance may disappear. Regular violence against women gradually worsens the physical condition of the victim, which causes the need to leave. But often a number of reasons arise along the way that prevent you from changing the situation and leaving the offender. This is the fear of being left without funds, losing housing, children. It happens that the relatives themselves convince the victim to stay with the rapist.

Psychological abuse

The psychological rapist experiences sudden changes in mood, inappropriate jealousy, and low self-control. He is capable of being offended by even minor criticism. In conversation he often resorts to profanity, screams, threats. Psychological abuser swears to his partner unearthly love and immediately throws accusations in his direction about his spoiled mood.

Psychological violence against a person is accompanied by a number of signs:

constant criticism;
insults and humiliation;
hidden insults in the form of caustic nicknames, ridicule, contemptuous laughs;
the desire to make the victim guilty;
open ignoring;
silence;
blackmail;
coercion to do unpleasant things.

Moral violence

Emotional pressure is the impact on the psyche and emotions of a partner through intimidation, threats of insults, criticism, and condemnation. Moral domestic violence is expressed through dominance, which manifests itself:

ban on communication;
surveillance;
constant presence;
restrictions on contact with the outside world;
assigning the role of breadwinner;
sexual abstinence.

Also emotional abuse can be expressed through a form of manipulation. The purpose of such pressure is to subordinate the feelings and actions of the victim to one’s personal beliefs. Signs of such emotional pressure are extremely difficult to recognize, since the actions of the rapist are secretive and fully conscious. But several characteristics can help identify and prevent bullying early:

bragging, when a husband extols his qualities and achievements over those of his wife;
provocation for the slightest mistake;
flattery of the wife so that she begins to praise her husband;
lying, withholding specific information in order to make the victim worry, to do something for the sake of the truth.

Physical violence

Physical violence in the family is manifested by beatings, bodily harm, torture, which negatively affects the health of the victim. Moreover, such tyranny can manifest itself in both minor beatings and murder. Physical pressure is based on dominance and aggression, therefore it has a gender orientation. Many women perceive such actions on the part of their husband as normal. If children are physically abused at home, they will become violent towards others in the future.

Why does a husband beat his wife - psychology?

There are two types of men who can raise their hands on women:

those who independently awaken rage in themselves by calling and humiliating their wives, awakening even greater anger in themselves;
those who are naturally cold-blooded and capable of beating their wife half to death without remorse.

Based on this, psychologists identify a number of reasons why a husband beats his wife:

provocation on the part of a woman;
genetic predisposition;
alcoholism;
, self-affirmation in the family;
trouble-free childhood, when all the boy’s wishes were fulfilled from the first word “I want.”

What to do if your husband hits you?

Psychologists advise analyzing the current situation and finding out the reason why the husband beats. A man's cruelty does not always arise out of nothing. Try having a calm conversation with your spouse. If conversation does not solve the problem, try contacting family psychologist. If you want to save your family, remember that love will not help you re-educate a person; only a psychologist, with the help of psychotherapeutic correction of your husband, can eradicate domestic violence.

Domestic violence - what to do?

Psychologists recommend breaking off a relationship with a person if violence is used in the family. But not every woman is ready to change her life and leave her tyrant spouse. Don’t try to justify your husband’s actions, don’t respond to requests to return, don’t believe promises of a better future. Otherwise, in a few days you will regret that you did not find the strength to change your life.

Today she didn’t add enough salt to the soup, yesterday she put on bright lipstick, and last month she was late at work for two hours... Even if you follow all orders, stop communicating with girlfriends, parents and glide around the apartment as a pale shadow, this woman cannot avoid domestic violence.
What is this - bad character husband? Unlucky fate? The cause of violence lies in internal psychological states husband and woman herself.

Concrete cubes of high-rise buildings reflect coldly with glass, protecting privacy. Each cube of apartments has its own secret. Domestic violence against women is almost taboo topic. Women try not to advertise such relationships, children are afraid to talk about it...

Violence is a reflection of the swamp of the soul

Domestic violence is as familiar to this woman as borscht for lunch, but it is always shocking and scary, just like the first time her beloved husband raised his hand to her.

Today she didn’t add salt to the soup, yesterday she put on bright lipstick, and last month she was late at work for two hours. The list of unacceptable actions increases, psychological pressure increases. Even if you follow all orders, stop communicating with girlfriends, parents and glide around the apartment as a pale shadow, this woman cannot avoid domestic violence.

What is this - a bad character of a husband? Unlucky fate? The cause of violence lies in the internal psychological states of the husband and the woman herself.

Not every woman experiences domestic violence. This tragic scenario develops only if each partner has certain properties given by nature.

Causes of domestic violence - an unsuccessful wife or a bad husband?

She married Dr. Jekyll, but is regularly abused by Mr. Hyde. The children fearfully await their father's return every day. The lessons have been learned perfectly, there is not a speck of dust in the house, the soup recipe has been double-checked with the utmost care. But then late at night a stern husband and father enters, the reason for discontent has been found, and again there is no protection and nowhere to hide from his heavy hand.

Every person is created on the principle of pleasure. He applies his properties and receives joy and satisfaction from it. But when innate properties do not find realization, voids arise, so-called frustrations, and a person feels unhappy. System-vector psychology Yuriy Burlana explains what the peculiarities of the manifestation of frustrations in each are connected with.

The article was written based on training materials “ System-vector psychology»

We continue to explain point by point what it is, what types of it exist, what are their causes and how to deal with it. Today we are talking about specifics: what to do if you find yourself in a situation of domestic violence, find out that someone you know is suffering from it, or even suspect the tendencies of an abuser.

For assistance in preparing the material and consultation, the editors thank Natalia Khodyreva, psychotherapist, candidate of psychological sciences and founder of the St. Petersburg crisis center for women "INGO", director of the independent charity center for helping survivors sexual violence“Sisters” Maria Mokhova, as well as specialists national center on violence prevention "ANNA".

Olga Strakhovskaya

How to Know What You're Exposure to
domestic violence?

This may seem strange, but violence against oneself is not always easy to detect. With physical violence, everything is more clear: if your partner has a habit of using force on you, this is it. It doesn’t have to be beatings; covering your mouth or wringing your hands also counts. With sexy and especially psychological violence everything is more complicated. The situation is aggravated by attitudes in society that prevent us from looking at things objectively. For example, sex under “unobtrusive” coercion is considered to be in the order of things, and a woman is not supposed to refuse her husband - otherwise she will consider herself bad wife. Economic and psychological manipulation, in turn, can be very sophisticated and unobvious, and the rapist tries to convince you that it’s all your fault, and often he succeeds.

Moreover, violence is not continuous, but occurs in cycles that follow a specific pattern. A long period of tension is inevitably followed by a period of detente (in fact, the violent act itself): this could be a fight, a scandal, or a humiliating scene. However, this is always followed by reconciliation, the abuser asks for forgiveness and promises never to do this again. A “peaceful” period begins, which psychologists also call “ honeymoon": the relationship seems to be normalizing or even getting better. But eventually the cycle of violence inevitably repeats itself. It is these alternations of “black” and “white” stripes that confuse victims. Many can live like this for years, not noticing that all situations develop according to the same pattern, without analyzing it, or each time hoping that now everything will improve. Unfortunately, the opposite is true: in most cases, the duration of these periods will be shortened (especially between tension and relaxation), aggressive actions will become more severe (even threatening your life), and the period of rest may disappear completely.

How to understand that your partner
prone to violence?

It is better to prevent problems than to solve them as they arise - that is why it is so important in the family. There are a number warning signs, which directly or indirectly indicate that your partner has a tendency to suppress you or is already doing so. This can be understood in general by the strict control over contacts, jealousy, and disrespect for your desires and needs. If we talk about men, they often have high level gender stereotypes and believe that women need to be “educated.”

It is worth thinking seriously if you noted that your close person(which could be your parents) constantly monitors where you are, forces you to spend all your time at home, and also forbids you to communicate with any of your friends or family members. He can control your expenses and force you to account for the slightest expenses. Bad sign if your partner reads your email or messages, listens to your conversations, prohibits you from calling and texting with someone, or even using the phone or social networks. At the same time, aggressor partners tend to shift all the blame for problems in relationships solely on you; they systematically criticize you for any little thing, blame you for all failures, periodically ridicule you or things that are important to you, especially in the presence of strangers. ‏

It's a bad sign if you can alcohol intoxication or under the influence of psychoactive substances, your partner is easily angry, has ever hit or threatened to hit your pet, or has threatened or done this to hurt you: grabbed your arms roughly, pushed you, hit you. It is especially dangerous if a man begins to threaten and there is a weapon at home. To force you to engage in sexual relations against your will or to force you to do something unpleasant to you in generally desirable areas sexual relations- This is also partner violence.

What to do,
if this is my case?

It is very important to remember that the cause of domestic violence is only the aggressor, and first you need to understand what this type of personality is. It is generally accepted that this is a person who has difficulty controlling aggression, but it is more complicated than that. U similar behavior there are different reasons, but most often it is nurtured over the years: adopted from a parent or environment. A person gets used to this type of relationship because he sees how powerful and effective tools manipulation and control are.

Running headlong at the first hint of violence, as well as staying and enduring, are equally unconstructive reactions, but sometimes it is very difficult to make an informed decision without outside help. Often the first act of physical violence causes shock in the injured party - as Natalia Khodyreva notes, this is the moment when you need to contact crisis center, and not hide the fact of violence and adapt to the situation.
First of all, you need to figure out how your partner evaluates his actions. It’s one thing if he understands that he is wrong, but for some reason is unable to control himself. It’s completely different if he is convinced that he is right and believes that violence in a relationship is acceptable (“hitting means loving”). Unfortunately, the second is more common.

In what case is it necessary
permanently break off the relationship?

If an abuser does not see a problem in his behavior, then he will never admit that he is to blame for something - in his opinion, you will always be to blame. He will never give up his manipulations, most likely because he doesn’t know any other way. He knows what he is doing and what he wants to achieve, this is not an impulsive outburst. Therefore, changing your behavior, hoping that it will stop causing aggression in your partner, is useless: no matter what you do, the rapist will still continue to beat or humiliate you. Simply because he has a need to constantly and completely control you - he does not know how to build relationships differently. You must accept the fact that no matter how hard you try, you will not cope with the situation and will not be able to help in any way. Most of the abuser's promises of change that are not backed up by action are lies that guarantee peace only until the next outbreak.

Is it possible to save such a relationship?

Correcting the situation without breaking off the relationship is only possible if the rapist wants to change. To do this, he will most likely need to see a psychotherapist or even a psychiatrist and learn to control his behavior. If your partner is violent towards you and does not want to change, but for some reason you decide not to leave him and remain in the cycle of violence, then you are putting your life in danger, and if you have children, the lives of your children. Often, women are stopped by the fact that children need a father - but in fact, if you think about it and do not look for an excuse for the situation, then children do not need a father who commits violence. As psychotherapist Olga Miloradova emphasizes, “emotional and verbal violence also harms health: people who have suffered this type of violence often suffer from diseases such as stomach ulcers or psoriasis, not to mention depressive states, suicidal tendencies, post-traumatic stress disorder and a tendency towards alcoholism or drug addiction.”

Many people think that they can try contacting a family psychologist - but the practice of joint counseling in cases of domestic violence has one big drawback. The fact is that it takes into account the opinions of both sides of the conflict. In a situation of domestic violence, this is not applicable, since part of the blame is thus shifted to the injured party. Some countries have a restorative approach aimed at preserving the family, but they also have laws that enforce compulsory medical and psychological assistance rapists and protecting victims of violence. There are also psychotherapeutic and educational programs for men who abuse their loved ones. The purpose of such groups is to teach men to realize real reasons their actions and their seriousness, as well as talk about their feelings, be able to negotiate, not be aggressive and understand that no one person has the right to control and power over another.

How to convince your partner to contact you
to qualified help?

‏If you are convinced that you need to maintain this relationship due to some extreme good reasons, you need your partner to admit that he is the culprit of the problem, agree to qualified help, begin to receive it and, most importantly, change his behavior. Change must be lasting, not just empty promises and apologies. In the case when a partner who has shown violence against you admits his guilt, but does not take any action, psychotherapist Olga Miloradova recommends acting simply but decisively: “Inform your partner that you are leaving, and until he begins to receive help, any contact between impossible for you." Moreover, we must really leave, and not just threaten to do so.

How to break out
from an abusive relationship?

You will have to gain strength, because the injured partner in such a relationship is extremely depressed and it is very difficult to break away from the rapist. There are many factors that influence the decision to break up. For example, not everyone has separate housing or the opportunity to rent it - meanwhile, to make a decision, it is very important to be safe, next to people you can trust. Material obstacles are only part of the problem. The most difficult thing is to psychologically break out of such relationships: fear for yourself or for your child, constant coercion to sex and a set of emotional humiliations simply deprive you of willpower. As Natalia Khodyreva says, according to one of her clients, “it wasn’t even a matter of rape by her ex-husband, but of complete emotional destruction, such that she wanted to ‘step out the window’.”

It is important to understand that you are not alone, this problem has been studied and ways to solve it are known. Yes, it is very scary to be left alone, especially if self-esteem and self-confidence have already been seriously undermined by the rapist. At this moment, you need to admit that you need help, and turn for help not only to friends, but also to a crisis center where people work well knowledgeable about the problem. They will support you, explain how to believe in yourself and start life anew, help you draw up applications and file for divorce.

What to do if someone
someone you know is suffering
from domestic violence?

A person in such a situation needs help, but one should not put pressure on him. Support and accept, don't blame. The victim or victim must be listened to, if necessary and possible, given shelter and advice. psychological service, helpline and so on. If the person himself does not believe that he is being abused, you should not prove that she or he is a victim: if you insist on this, you will most likely cause a reaction of rejection and they will simply stop communicating with you. You can try to ask gently suggestive questions, listen more and talk less, do not make value judgments. You can try to give examples of some situations where at first it was like this, and then this and that happened, and offer your help “if something happens.” It is important to revive self-respect and remind a person that life in safety, without beatings and humiliation is everyone’s right.

How to behave during an incident
to survive?

During a quarrel, you should try not to succumb to provocations: for example, if you are insulted, you should try to remain calm as much as possible. Remember that everything you do and say will be used against you. Unfortunately, there are no universal rules behavior if you have already been physically abused. Someone may be stopped if you start crying or showing that you are in pain, while for others it will only provoke you even more. The best way to stay alive is to leave the house or hide and call the police.

If you live in a situation of domestic violence and understand how real the threat to life is, then, firstly, you need to think through a safety plan for Emergency. Prepare documents, money, find safe place for housing, to survive stress and make decisions in safety, to come to an agreement with neighbors and relatives. Carry a phone with you to call the police or call your neighbors. Do " panic button» - hotkey with the number of a friend or relative. If you call the police, it is better to call not the duty station, but 02, since all telephone calls are recorded there. Give as many details of what is happening as possible. However, in a critical situation there may be no time at all. Run.